Holy Sh*t She's Back!!

SHE'S BACK! celebrating that. 

Nicole gives us a little update about where she has been and whats been HAPPENING! 

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, and welcome to a girl willing. I am your host,
Nicole McKenna, and it is so nice to be here
with you all. I cannot believe how long it's been.
I used to have such an attachment to like taking

(00:21):
pauses and not showing up consistently somewhere, and I know
that past versions of me couldn't actually consistently show up.
And so because I am so excited and passionate, I

(00:45):
have a lot of air constitution. I'm very sanguine in
my temperament, so I'm flitting and fluttering around to everything
and the next thing and this thing, and so those components,
as well as an incredibly unresilient nervous system, I actually couldn't.

(01:06):
My capacity to do something consistently was never available to me,
and so there was a lot of hatred for that
part of me because I could tell that other people
hated that part of me, or that was my perception.
And so now it's so freeing to be like, oh,
I just trust that I put the podcast away for
a little bit and I will be back and tend

(01:27):
to her soon. And she's been calling me, so here
I am. I'm back. And there were some things that
I just didn't feel I wanted to be sharing about
at the time while it was present, and I'm here.
I'm here now, and it feels really freeing to not

(01:51):
have the attachment of oh, like yeah, I couldn't like
I'm so whatever the stories were, it's just like, oh,
I trust trust, I trust this break, this moment, this time,
this gap, this pause. So here we are. I hope

(02:12):
that we are all arriving here with that same sense
of maybe I get to look at things differently, maybe
I get to have a new viewpoint of what's present

(02:33):
for me, and although the themes or the experience or
the sensation might feel familiar, that you actually get to
reframe it or have a different perspective on it, that
you actually get to choose that that's a choice, that's
an option to view it differently. So I hope that

(02:56):
we all get to arrive here with that that we
could be viewing something differently, whether it is internal or external,
something that you're witnessing outside of yourself, that that also
gets to be viewed differently. It's so interesting, like the yeah,

(03:18):
I'm noticing this trend. Okay, this trend I've seen on
TikTok mostly is like this. They're calling it a winter arc,
and it's like, actually, don't really have the full language
of what it means. But it's like the plot, the era.
The last year, I think we were calling it the era.
It's my glow up era, it's my this era. Now
it's like the winter arc. If you're investing in yourself

(03:41):
and you're taking care of yourself, you're gonna have this arc,
this new plot, this new story, this new elevation, this
new experience. And so there's always something that we collectively
agree we want to elevate. There's always this, you know,
the new thing, the new focus, the new way of approaching,
the next step or the next chapter, the new evolved

(04:02):
state of being, or the next self, whatever it is.
So there's always focus around something. But I see that
we so often get hung up in the I'm gonna
respond to the exact same way about the exact same things,
because I've done that for the last ten years, and
so that's going to be the way I remain doing that.

(04:24):
And then we have this drive forward of like I
want to have the expansion, I want the new self.
I want the next part of me to become available.
But these parts that are really prominent throughout the day,
These like knee jerk reactions, these stories, the responses, the

(04:44):
these moments that actually are sort of like the main
part of the expression of ourselves because we're in them
so often. We're reconfirming and reconfirming and reconfirming these these
old ways of being or thinking. And so, okay, if
we want to have the Winter arc, if we're gonna
move into the next plot, the new era, we're gonna

(05:07):
have this up leveling and upgrade, we're gonna have to
really notice the way that we respond to ourselves and
to the world around us in our day to day life.
If there's no parking and you're getting frustrated, and the
first response is like, oh, it's always like this and
let's make it whatever. Okay, that needs this, that needs

(05:27):
a reframe, that needs a visitation of these those are
the moments that really hammer in a belief or an
experience or an expectation. So yeah, to visit those parts
that really hold up or uphold a belief perception, ah,

(05:52):
we might be really confirming those and really upholding those
beliefs and expectations of ourselves, whether they're pos or not
so helpful. So I love this time of year because
I feel like the invitation is to start slowing down

(06:14):
and to start noticing. I've actually talked about this on
my podcast quite a bit that season shifts were really
really challenging for me. And if I would be in
one season and I would think about a different season,

(06:36):
my nervous system would react so strongly. It was like
borderline panic attack just to think about fall when it
was the summer, or to think about spring when it
was the summer. Like any the seasons changing were really challenging.
And so when the season actually change changes, like when

(06:58):
there's a shift from oh, you know, I can really
notice that summer's ending and fall is coming, that would
really mess me up. And I didn't have a wire
or a knowing, and I still don't. We don't have to,
That's always the message. We don't have to make meaning
out of everything. If meaning is meant to be made,

(07:20):
it will be made. We don't have to make meaning
of it. But I feel that a part of it
could be I'm getting really curious about this piece of
it is that you kind of have to notice when
seasons are changing. Today, I dropped Austin off at school
and I was driving home and the Green Tree Tunnel

(07:42):
that I drive through was pretty orange today, and I
couldn't not notice that it was so different than what
I'm used to seeing. It's so dark in the mornings,
it's so cool in the house. Those things I have
to notice they're so star wor there's a shift that's

(08:03):
noticeable outside of me. So the past a version of
me was so disconnected from noticing because it was unsafe
to notice my body in the world around me. I
spent so much time in really extreme bouts of dissociation
that when the weather would change or the season would change,

(08:25):
I actually had no choice but to notice it. It
was so stark. I was out of the element of dissociation.
What was comfortable in the dissociative state of being, of like,
this is what the experience is like. When the weather
would change, WHOA, that's really different, and I can it's

(08:45):
pulling me out of my dissociation because there's something new
about this experience. And then that would be startling for
my nervous system because I'd be pulled out of dissociation,
be forced to notice panic, and I'd be shot right
back into dissociation. So I'm feeling. I'm feeling into that
as an option, and it's really interesting to notice that

(09:08):
even like to be with that of oh yeah, it
actually might not be that I hate colder weather or like,
you know, the the lack of structure with summer. It
actually just might be that I was like had to
notice and noticing was really hard for me, and noticing

(09:30):
is really hard in general. I think when I do
this work with people, it's all about noticing. Like in
my writing workshop i'm teaching right now, there's so much
about noticing. We have to notice in order to write,
or at least write well, you know, in my somatic work,

(09:50):
of course, we're noticing what's there, what's present? What are
you feeling now? How do you notice that in the body?
What's present for you? Now? These are all questions and
prompts that you've heard if you've worked with me, and
so much the feedback is like, I don't know, and
that feels hard and I can't notice that, And that

(10:11):
is an experience that most people share. So it's not
wrong if you feel that way, but that is also
a capacity that can be opened and expanded. When I
started my sematic schooling, my ability to notice was obviously

(10:34):
very very very small. My window of tolerance to notice
was really short, and so it was actually really hard
to do school because it was so much sematic work
and so much noticing and all these different ways of noticing.
And I actually I had a really challenging time, especially
in the first part of it, while my window was

(10:56):
so small to notice. The window was like three seconds
of noticing. So we would start a practice, whether it
was an art practice or a writing practice or a
somatic practice, I had about three seconds before I couldn't
do it anymore, and then I would have to get
up and walk around, and then I would sit back

(11:17):
down and again three seconds and then I'd get back.
So now it's like, depending on the day and depending
on what's present for me in the state of my being,
I can notice for a really long time, which is
so cool because that's how I know the work works,
because I've experienced it. I've experienced the extreme disconnect, the

(11:40):
extreme inability to notice, the extreme dysregulation, the extreme panic,
to experiencing the other end of that with a really
expanded space to notice that's filled with resiliency rather than panic,
And oh, I just I couldn't literally not love this work.

(12:04):
More so if you're if you're in the if you're
in the if you're a human on earth, the work
can benefit you, no doubt of Like what this year,
it's literally been almost a year since I've been on here.

(12:26):
I've had a really I've had some like really neat
experiences this year, I for some reason stopped recording when
I was like getting romantically involved with with men. It
was like they were connected to my work, like they

(12:48):
knew about my work, and and I felt really like
unsure of how to merge sharing my experiences which were
which were the truth, like they were my experiences, I'm
going to talk about them on hand while I was
in the present experience with them, like the the the
knowing that the option for them could be to listen

(13:10):
to the podcast was enough for me to be like,
I'll wait, I'll wait it out to share. And I'm
realizing that that's both a disservice to me and the
people who have been like, hey, we miss this and
we miss we miss the podcast. And I've had a
couple of people prompt me be like I'm listening to

(13:30):
old episodes. Yeah, so I'm just gonna say fuck it.
From here on out. I mean, I've been saying fuck
it for a while, but fuck it again. I'm just
going to share, even if it's hot off the press,
and I'm okay. The my thresholds have also been really

(13:56):
expanding this year. Holy dinah what I've done some really
good work this year, and a part of that is
being okay with being perceived. My noticing of how I'm
responding differently when I am being perceived and not being

(14:17):
able to control the way someone is perceiving me would
literally shut me down, like I would just go, you
know what, i'mut. I don't want any perceptions. I don't
want anyone misinterpreting me or anyone misunderstanding me. That was
such a core fear and it still really is a

(14:38):
there of course, because it's been there is a part
of me who would rather perish than be misunderstood, and
that part of me takes a blessed space for sure,
And so I think that the podcast really amplified that

(14:58):
journey of like, Okay, you're gonna share more and people
are gonna hear you more, and your stories are gonna
be out more. The you know, that potential of being
misunderstood or being perceived or judged is becomes more available,
and so I just noticed that it needed to expand,
or I needed to build a little bit more resiliency

(15:18):
in terms of like men romantically misunderstanding me or judging
me or misinterpreting me or Yeah, it just it just
didn't feel like that had expanded yet. And so throughout
this year just really claiming that space within romantic containers,

(15:49):
I guess of like, no, this is where I'm at,
this is what I need, this is what I want.
Thank you, expectations laid placed, receive it or don't receive it,
and I'm okay to be misunderstood or or perceived in
a way that that actually I don't feel I'm trying
to act from if I'm doing it from a place
that with you know, the intention, that feels good for me.

(16:14):
So that's really a ton of what this year has
offered me. And it's offered it to me in ways
that are received perfectly and brilliantly and so helping me expand.
And I've also received it in ways that are the
challenging experiences. And so I've I've had the that's the thing,

(16:34):
you guys, when we have quote unquote these lessons or
these themes, or these things that show up for us
to either integrate or to accept or to shift or
to you know, change whatever it is. Do you think
it's just going to come up in a way that's like, wow,
that was so cool. I got one angle of that.

(16:55):
I mastered it, and now I move on. It's going
to come up in every way, shape, form, expression. It's
going to come up from under the rug and crawl
up your leg and it's going to feel gross, and
then it's going to come up in the beautiful gift
on your doorstep with the bow and flowers. Like it's
gonna come up in every possible way in order to

(17:15):
see how you navigate it or manage it in those
different ways. So the way that feels really comfy, yeah,
you've probably fucking mastered it because it felt good every time.
The things that, you know, the different angles of it,
are the less desirable ways that's just as valuable for
you to show up and support. So that's kind of

(17:37):
what like my romantic realm has offered me this year.
It's offered me very expansive, It's met me in very
supportive and expansive ways. When it's receiving my expectations and
my maybe being perceived of like this is what I
fucking need and want. Either meet me or don't. And
so it's met me in very comfortable, expansive ways, and

(17:59):
it's met me in and really challenging ways, and it's
tested me. I've been tested in that this is what
you need and want. Okay, what if I send you
something that's not like that? Or you can accept it?
And so I've I've really noticed the humor almost of like,
holy shit, it really does show up in every possible

(18:21):
fucking way. I don't I don't really like to consider
it a test because that feels like there's a right
or wrong. Tests come with a yes that was right
or a no that was wrong, And I truly do
not feel that that is how humans are meant to
show up with these opportunities. Yes, there are very clear

(18:45):
yes and no right or wrongs with humans, but when
there's something to like an opportunity, I feel like there's
so many. Even if you quote unquote fail that test,
that was ex exactly how it's supposed to go, and
then the next thing's coming so that you have an
opportunity to reframe that or to shift that or to

(19:07):
whatever it might be. But for lack of better wording,
we're gonna call it a test. And I feel like
I got every not every angle, because I've still got
life to live, but I got some different angles this year.
And yeah, it's been it's been humbling. It's been really exciting,

(19:35):
just just the way that it's been reflected. And to
like really sit back on this year of what has presented, Yeah,
I don't know that there would Yeah, it's just really interesting.
So I don't even really know where to start and

(20:02):
if I'm going to get into the nitty gritties of
it today, but I just want to name for myself
and to really get clear on why I felt I
couldn't show up maybe fully in this space was because
I was afraid my capacity to be perceived in a

(20:27):
romantic way in a vulnerable way was really small. And
that's huge information for me to reflect back on. Huge,
So yeah, fun, fun, fun fun. I love being able

(20:51):
to look back and notice the way that those things
showed up and then how the lessons of that showed
up all year, and where I did show up in
that and it wasn't received well, and where I did
show up in that and it was received well. Like

(21:12):
just to build that resiliency. You know, when we talk
about exposure therapy, we actually can't have an expectation that
it's going to go well. That's not we're not exposing
ourselves to ooh ah, that was easy. That is an option.
It could feel easy, but the exposure is actually that
we're just exposing ourselves to the discomfort of not knowing

(21:35):
how it's going to go. And when we repeatedly put
ourselves in a space where we don't know where it's
going to go, we're exposing ourselves to that unknown again
and again and again. We build resiliency for it. And
so the moments where it does go well, ah, that
helps us build resiliency. In the times where it maybe
doesn't go well but that's still okay, that helps us

(21:57):
build resiliency. And so all of the experiences are a
part of building the resiliency on that So even if
they don't go quote unquote well, if we have resource
and we can use that as a resource. And this
is why the work that I do is so important
and so valuable, because it's so important to have resource

(22:23):
in the body so that even when it doesn't go well,
it still acts as a resiliency maker. It still opens
the capacity to build in the body. But we can't
do that if we don't have resource built. I'm so
passionate about what I do. You guys, like, if you're

(22:49):
in a field, like a self craft field where you
work for yourself or you have a you know, something
that you offer, it's such an interesting blend of like
knowing how helpful and powerful the work you do is,

(23:11):
and and like just I'm just like, oh, I'm so
full of like yeah, I'm so full of life for
what I do. And like I just go out in
the world and I'm like, oh, this is like this

(23:32):
I get to do this, this is the thing I
get to do. In this week, I've had so many
really incredible testimonials roll in and huh, I can just

(23:54):
like feel my whole body lighting up, Like just yeah,
it's so incredible that I get to do this work.
And just to see the experiences that people have and
the resiliency that they get to create. You know, we

(24:23):
as humans, it's not about Yeah, I truly feel that
the most the single most important thing a human can
have available in their body is resilience is a resilient

(24:46):
nervous system and a well resourced one. They go together.
So I offered a program this year called R and
R Resourced and Result, because those truly are like the
most important things I feel a human can have. And

(25:09):
if you've experienced the lack of that throughout your life,
that you did not feel resourced or did not cultivate
resiliency in a way that is supportive, those things can
be created. There's not a time, there's not a stuck.
Oh shit, you didn't develop it before you were five,
Well maybe in the next life, like you have access

(25:30):
to that. It's available. I've done it. I've done it,
and I've helped I've seen people do it. It's incredible.
I'm thirty one and I have spent really the last
year in development of resourcing my my nervous system and

(25:52):
my body and creating resiliency. I mean, just as I
want to, I want to share something. Actually, so last
year I had multiple trips planned and I had to
cancel every single one of them but one because of
the immense panic the immense literally panic attack, panic attack

(26:21):
after panic attack of around traveling, which was never my experience.
I've never been a traveler quote unquote, I love a
good weekend trip, and I've always loved a good like
I liked Vegas because you just like go for four days,
come home. I'm not like a month in Europe type gal.

(26:43):
But I like a good weekend trip, and I've always
had the experience that that was good and safe and
valuable and enjoyable. And then when COVID happened, I was
unable to travel for quite some time, and the what
surfaced for me in my cells, what was created as

(27:05):
a new fear and disregulation. I still again, I don't
have the full meaning made of what that experience really
did in my body. But travel after I was able to,
after I was able to became so severely disregulating, I

(27:31):
cannot even describe to you the panic like I for
no reason logically could not logic it out, did not understand,
and we don't have to. It doesn't have to make sense.
My body literally could not fucking travel, even sometimes driving
to Victoria. I live in cobble Hill, so a forty

(27:53):
minute drive would sometimes be enough to set panic in
my body that I couldn't get back home. That was
the fear that I wouldn't be able to get back,
that something catastrophic would happen and I couldn't get home,
And so getting off the island, you could imagine what
would spark that even more. And then to travel somewhere
on a plane, Oh my god, I'm getting even further.

(28:16):
So last year I had multiple trips somewhere just in
Canada I could not go on, and some were not
even really far. I had to cancel them. I was
experiencing like extreme disruptions to my life when I would
even consider the thought of going on these trips. So
I wasted a ton of fucking money last year. Really

(28:37):
could not believe how lack of resiliency and resource was
available with travel. And so again I've spent I've spent
really since quite a few months after that building resiliency
and resource and in school a ton and EMDR and
and all the things. It wasn't specifically around travel. I

(29:01):
had just kind of written travel off. Honestly, it was like, well,
I'm just probably not going to do that anymore. And
then I met somebody who lived who lives in the US,
and they were in Edmonton, no Calgary for work, and

(29:22):
they were like, hey, I'm going to fly you here.
I'll set you up with a hotel room. I'm going
to give you this like beautiful princess treatment if you
want to come. And I was like, yes, let's do it,
so terrified of how my nervous system was going to be.

(29:43):
By the way, the morning of my flight, Funnily enough,
my flight got canceled. Like I was a ready, hair makeup,
everything packed, I was ready. I got an email being
like west Jet canceled your flight. But this person lives
in LA. So they were like, well, how you just
come to LA. I'll fly you to LA. I'll have

(30:03):
a great time here. And so I ended up going
to La, which, in my mind Edmonton or sorry Calgary
was like not that bad, right, It was like, hey,
at least I'm so like Canada, like I'm trying to
logic myself through. I can do it. And so all
of a sudden, I'm going for I think it was
even longer. I'm going farther. I've got to go to

(30:25):
a different country. I haven't been out of the country
for like years. Actually, they commented at customs, oh that
was a whole fucking thing too. They pulled me. I
got secondary questioning for like forty five minutes. I almost
missed my connecting flight. They grilled me. I've never felt

(30:47):
like I was a bad guy until I was in
getting questioned that fucking hard. Like I was like, am
I trafficking right now? Like what is happening? Oh? You
know there's like I saw it the other day a
meme that was like do you ever get to the
airport and you're like, wait, do I have a gun
on me? Even though you never held a gun in

(31:08):
your life. That was me. I was in customs for
forty minutes or so and just getting drilled so hard.
I had to disclose the person I was going to see,
which was weird because they are It was like I

(31:28):
was name dropping. It was so it was honestly, it
was so dysregulating. But Nicole a year ago would have
collapsed in a panic attack and I would not have
gone on the trip, especially with that customs experience. And
so I truly feel like the customs experience was like

(31:51):
this this to show me how far I've come and
how I got to respond differently to it. I was
so I was certainly a little rattled, for sure. I
don't think I really felt like I was able to recover.
Like I left, I called my mom and was like,

(32:11):
oh my god, guess what has happened. I went and
got a sandwich in a smoothie. I had a couple
of minutes to hang and then I got on my
flate like that would have literally fucked me up before,
and I flew down and I had a great time.
And I didn't like I saw on that trip. And

(32:37):
that was early this year too, that holy shit, I'm
so much more resourced and my nervous system is so
much more resilient. The resiliency factor is huge, because yes,
I got really disrupted with the customs thing, but guess
what resilient came back into my window of tolerance and

(32:58):
got to experience the rest of the trip. Before my
nervous system would snap open and there's no resiliency and
it would get stuck there, or I would go into
the shutdown response and I would be just like, the
resiliency of becoming activated and coming back into the window
of tolerance was never available to me. And so in March,
when I had that experience of going on a trip,

(33:21):
also the first time meeting this person, I think we
had talked for like a couple of weeks and then
I was flying down and spending time with them. So
it was vulnerable, it was romantic. There's a whole other
level of myself that had to meet this person where

(33:43):
they are. Also, you know, my clear expectations of like
I want to be treated this way and be held
in the masculine in this the universe sent me an
extreme version of that, someone who was so capable of
that experience, but to a degree that I've never witnessed.
There there was this level of security on all levels

(34:10):
and opportunity. Just really really need experience for that. So
the way that I was delivered this, oh do you
got you want that? You want? The you want, the masculine,
you want, the the you want to be met. Okay,
we'll meet this person here in a level I've never experienced,
and down to the the car I got picked up

(34:36):
from the hotel or from the airport in and just
like every moment was like a level that I have
never experienced. And so I just love the way that
the universe delivered delivers these things of like, Okay, you
want this, how are you going to feel when it's
actually here and we're gonna up it we're gonna up

(34:57):
it and then up it and then up it and
then up it. Can you still manage it? Can you
still hold that? Can you still be resilient and resourced
with that? Can you allow this to expand you without
crippling you? And it was so fucking cool because it
got to expand me and it didn't cripple me, and

(35:17):
that was never my experience, and so it was everything
that could have crippled me in one situation, just not everything,
but you know what I mean, there was a lot
of things to cripple me there, and it just got
to expand me, and it got to expand me in
such a cool fucking way. And yeah, I just it was.

(35:44):
It was really neat, and so it just gave me
this marker of like, WHOA, I've come such a far
away and it's never and I'm still expanding my resiliency.
I'm still We're always going to be hopefully that's the goal.
Until if you're not growing, you're dying. So anyways, that's

(36:08):
my little update, my back into podcasting. I am here
and I cannot wait to continue to connect with you guys.
Thank you for being patient with me while I took
a pause, and thank you to myself for being patient
with me while I took a pause. How cool to
be held in that from myself because that is not

(36:31):
something that I'm used to, so that feels really special.
And I love you all and we'll talk soon.