May 24, 2023 • 21 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:08):
All right, all right, Castelhere, I am so excited about Oh
I just played. I just finishedplaying my first game of football with the
California Girls team. You play footballwith girls on the girls team? Boom?
I bet that's exciting. Oh wellthe play ain't so exciting. But
all those huddles. I never heardof girls playing football. Where do they
(00:30):
get their players? Oh? Theypicked the girls according to the shape.
You know, quarterbacks, calf backs. You want to shoot those fullbacks.
I'm gonna study with the center.Is she pretty well? She's the next
thing to Lauren Bacall. Yeah,she looks like Humphrey Boga. But she
loves to play games. Last nightwe played part Cheesy Cheesy. Yes,
(00:52):
first I would kiss her, shewould kiss me, and then I would
kiss her. I wait, waita minute, who told her that was
party? I did? Hey,banisters, instead of setting home and playing
(01:14):
silly games. Why don't you takeit to the movie? Oh? I
tried to. I bought fourteen tickets, but we can get in? Why
not? Every time I bought aticket from the cash yer, sometime even
from at the door with arm up. Well, I don't know why a
girl would bother you with you inthe first play, You're ruggly, fat,
dumping, ignorant. Be for yougo any foot? I want to
say one thing. What's that?Don't go any foot? When it comes
(01:36):
to idiots, Castell, you cango to the head of the class.
Thank you, mister rabbit. AmI sure work hot enough they get there.
That's what I've a Hey, waita minute, where have you been?
Where have you been? Old?I don't know what I'm doing tonight?
(02:00):
Where have you been all the week? Monday, my girlfriend gave me
a fancy pink all tream with lace. I wore a Tuesday and got hit
by a car. They took meto the hospital. I'll never where that
you ensued a game or nine.It took me three days and took myself
out of them. Trinity Ward Threetynice in the hospital. Nice sure did.
(02:22):
Every day. For dessert, Ihad a California Sunday. It's two
scoops of twoty three ice cream withpineapple, strawberry appcats, prunes, peek
and shuice, handnuts, whipped cream, and six Marischino cherries. And they
serve it all in the hospitals.Now, we'll wait a minute. Why
would any hospital want to serve concoctionslike that. Can you think of a
better place to get sick? Well, anyway, you had a good resclue.
Oh no, I didn't. Ididn't sleep a winking that hospital.
(02:44):
Well, how did you sleep onyour right side of your left side?
I sleep flat on my back.That's your trouble. People who sleep on
their back all the time get theirback out of shape and all crooked.
You must sleep on your face.But while you're in the hospital, you
(03:05):
should have consulted a psychiatrist. Louany guy who would go to a psychiacter
sort to have his head examined?Costella, how did you ever become such
a complete idiot? I got friendsin Washington, you know, everything loved
me in that hospital. One ofthe doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurses.
(03:29):
He invited me to a party.That's very nice, I thought,
Knowledg, you're out of the hospital. You should reciprocate, definitely, hud
that again, Sure, I said, reciprocate. Don't you always reciprocate after
you've been invited to a party.It all depends on what they should.
(03:49):
No, No, don't Costeller.Reciprocate means to return the favor. For
instance, and a friend of minegot me a date with a beautiful blood,
I reciprocate if he gets me adate with a guardeous redhead, I
reciprocate. Now, when somebody getsyou a date with a beautiful girl,
what do you do? I dothe same thing you do, only I
don't lie about it. Never mindthat what was it that big package of
(04:17):
the rid you of this afternoon?It's a new television, said I bought
for Uncle Mike. Oh, Igotta go ride back home and hook.
Oh what does your uncle Mike wantwith a television? Step he wants to
see what doctor IQ does with thatwoman in the balcony. Yea, Uncle
Mike, all he does is listento the radio. And now with a
(04:40):
television, said, he'll never getout of the house. Oh, Uncle
Mike dos an't like he enters allthe radio contest. Last week he was
in a contest for a beer company. He had a sin in twenty five
beer bottle caps and a slogan,Well did he ride a good slogan?
After twenty five bots a beer?He couldn't even see the paper. Well,
anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Castell. I just think it
(05:02):
fills the air with voices and personalitiesof all the gorgeous Hollywood stars. What
are you doing filling my lungs?Would read a Haywards were the Hayward Us?
All right? But she's just likeany other girl. What do you
(05:24):
mean? Well, take away herbeautiful hair and her lovely complexion and one
of you. Guy. I don'tknow, but you can send it over
to my house in the morning.You certainly love the California girls, don't
you. Oh? Yeah. WhenI was back home to Pattison, New
Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, Mom, take me
out west, where men are menand the women are women are what that's
(05:47):
all? Take me out with wherewomen are What makes you think the women
in Hollywood go for you? Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a
pretty popular guy. Have it today? We moved to Los Angeles. I
want a city, white contest,city, white guns. What far being
the whitest guy in the city andin the beautiful chicken A surprise, I
Rhode Island purple. She lays thirtyeggs a day. Wait a minute,
(06:08):
way minute, let's straighten this out. Do you mean a Rhode Island red
abbat? When a chicken lays thirtyeggs a day. She's purple. Cassella,
I've come I have come to theconclusions you're the most stupid man in
the world. Even as a child, you were stupid. Oh no,
I wasn't. Back in Patterson,when I was only one year old,
I proved that I was the smartestbaby in town. How'd you do it?
(06:28):
One day I was playing around thestove. I picked up a red
hot coal. Nobody had to tellme to put it down. Hey,
Uncle Lowie, Uncle Lowie, pitcha couple to me. Will you have
sabbats? Nephew? Folks, Norman, what are you doing dressed up in
the baseball uniform? The baseball seenis nova? Oh? Let him alone,
Gassella. Norman likes baseball. Yeah, yeah, I'm nuts about baseball.
(06:49):
I played baseball all the time.I live baseball, I eat baseball,
and when I go to sleep atnight, I even dream of baseball.
Do you ever dream about girls?What? Miss my? Turn it
back? Get out of here.Okay, But before I go, I'd
like to tell you if you're likethat moron tie you're wearing, you mean
(07:11):
maroon time. Moron is an idiot? Yeah, only an idiot would wear
that five. I don't like thatguy Abbott r hol day long. Jen's
about baseball. He ain't got noromance, and so what you don't know
anything about romance? Hither, youshould have been with me last night in
the cozy living room, sitting room, sitting on a love sheet. Pull
(07:31):
the lights out and it was pitchdark. Wait a minute, wait did
you did you have a girl withyou? Well before, I'm not afraid
of the dark. Hello boy,hey, look hello, it's our lovely
new secretary, the oliv On ChiefLa. You look lovely tonight. That's
(07:56):
a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, well, thank you. Do you
think it brings out my curve doesn't. Yes, it curves here and it
curves there, and some of itdon't even stay on the road. I'll
talk. How do you like Californiacompared to New York? Well, it's
wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only
(08:18):
state that still has daylight saving time. You know that daylight saving time is
kind of silly to me too.You really don't save anything with daylight saving
time, You don't, Nah,it's just like shutting down. What you're
losing the front, your gain inthe back. That never mind him,
viola. What do you hear fromthat uncle of yours in London? Oh?
I received a postcard from my unclethis morning. He's having a fine
(08:39):
time. He spent the weekend votingon the English Channel voting. My cousin
Vincent swam across the English Channel underwater. That's preposterous. Any man who
did that would drown. The funeralis Wednesday, achieve, Yola. I'm
(09:03):
glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little Oh you
Hollywood men are so impetuous. Thefirst night you meet a girl you want
to kiss, well, I meana guy like me has to. They
don't show up the second night.Oh, I've noticed you've been rather cool
towards Castello. You never put yourarms around him or not. Well,
(09:26):
I was sort of waiting until tillyou know me a little longer. No,
till my arms get a little longer. By the way, isn't today
your birthday? Yes? It is. I'm eighteen. Think of it.
You're a sweet eighteen and I'm sweettwenty four. What about me? But
you're a sour sixty five? Nevermind that you're a chief skate cut Stello.
(09:50):
It's the olas birthday and you didn'tget her a present. Oh that's
all right, Castello, even ifyou don't express your felicitations on my natal
day with a tangible token of remembrance. I want you to know that I
understand. Good Now that you understandit, explain it to me. Bella
Costello is very forgetful about birthdays.Last week was my wife's birthday, and
(10:13):
he didn't send her a present.Night. No, I didn't get your
wife a present, But don't forgetI wrote her a poem. You wrote
Abbit's wife a Paul, how doesit go for miss Betty Abbitt? Your
clothes are really awfully cheap? Andspeaking of your sweater, give back the
world to those poor sheep on them. It looks much better. That's a
(10:43):
terrible poem. Costello got a terribleway. He's ignoranten he's uneducated. Just
a minute, because I went toschool and I studied science. For instance,
I know that the Sun is fivebillion miles from the Earth and the
light from the Sun comes down tothe Earth in exactly thirty second. Isn't
(11:05):
that wonderful? What's wonderful? Aboutit. It's downhill all the way.
All right, castella, come outhere. What's that you have in your
hand? Pictured my grandfather, GeneralStonewall Custole. What a hero of it.
(11:26):
He fought in the Spanish American War. Every time he went off the
battle, all the girls and Pattersonwould line up to kiss him goodbye.
Every time he went to battle,all the girls and Patterson kissed him goodbye.
Yes, the war ended in eighteenninety eight, but they couldn't get
Grandpatter stopped fighting from nineteen thirty five. He must have been some fighter.
Yes, she taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I
remember my first fight. In thethird round, my manager through the towel
(11:48):
and then I won. For waita minute, how could you win if
you're a manager threw in the towel, He threw it over my opponent's side.
Dummy, you're no fighter. You'renot an athlete. Out of an
athlete in your whole family. Ohyes, there is my brother Patters,
a famous athlete. Just last weekhe pitched a no hit game. Oh,
lots of guys that pitched no hitgames in football, Cassella, You
(12:13):
and your brother Patter the dopiest guysin the world. Yes, there nobody
a dope than him and me.That's incorrect you to say there's nobody dopia
then he and I. Okay,there's nobody a dopeia than him and you.
Well, never mind that. Howis Pat getting along with it?
That new girl? Oh well,for a while he had pretty tough.
Every time Pat went over to seeher, brother would threw him out of
the house. Last week, Ibrother went away to college and things are
(12:35):
different. What do you mean nowher father throws him out of the house?
Pad working? Oh, yes,he's got a job of a milk
company and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls
one of the wagons. Hello,what do you want? Norman? Are
you gonna do another one of themSam shovel misery programs tonight? Norman?
(13:00):
Look at the script. That's missI listened to the show. Brother,
it's misery. But if you don'tkeep them, Neph you out here,
I'm gonna flaten him. I'll hithim in the head so hard that the
shoes we'll have free tongue. Leavealone. Maybe it doesn't like your sam
shovel program, Well everyone else does. Now Here's a letter I got from
one of my fans this morning.Listen to this do you look costello?
(13:22):
I listen to the Sam Shovel Detectiveprogram last week you were so funny I
left my head off. I'm comingto the studio to see you to night.
There's a man out here to seeyou. What do you look like?
How can I tell his head usoff? Well? Enough of this,
nonsensetell. What does your same ChevelDetective story about tonight? It's one
(13:43):
of my greatest cases. Have it? I call it the case of the
Russian diplomat who took the six pmvote back to Russia? Or Red Tales
in the Sunset? Well, itsounds addressing. Let's get on with the
case. Fair enough. Now,the makers of Swanny River Cold Cream bring
(14:05):
you the adventures of Sam Shuttle,Private Detective. But there's a word about
our cuttuct. Swanny River Cold Creamis the only cold cream that contains peanut
butter. A What a time savingdevice this is, ladies. Now you
can cream your face and have yourlunch at the same time. And friends,
(14:26):
remember, we can sell Swanny RiverCold Cream cheaper than any other brand
because we've done away with costic containers. We use no tubes, no boxes,
no jar Just walk into your drugstore, ask for Swanny River cold
cream and hold out your hand.Now. But the Adventures of Sam Shuttle,
(14:48):
Private Detective. Yeah, I'm SamShovel, Sam Shall, a private
detective. The detective business has beenlousy lately. I ain't got a nickel
to my name. I guess it'sjust as well. I would a sound
(15:09):
of people call me Sam Shovel Nickel. Last night somebody ransacked my office.
They went over it with a finetoothcomb. I know they went over with
a fine toothcomb because this morning,when I came in, the horsehairs sofa
had a partner. I'm so mad. I can see Red Hi read in
(15:31):
the office. Across the court,I see the beautiful scenographer combing her hair.
He just combed out her bangs.I'm a little thirsty. I think
I'll have some orange uice. Isqueeze my arms, used the hard way,
the hard way. I placed theorange in my mouth, stick my
head in the doorway, and slowlyclosed the door. On my way to
(15:58):
the office, I found a wi'shandbag. I wonder what's in it.
I decide to empty the contents onmy desk. That takes care of the
change perth. I wonder what's inthe bag. I look at my appointment
book. I see that tonight Ihave a date with a gorgeous peach.
(16:22):
I think I'll break it and makea date with a girl. I look
out the window and the garage acrossthe street. The mechanic is working on
a car go. No matter whatcar comes in, he always races the
motor coming up the street. Isee my Piloteutenant Abitt of the homicide squad,
(16:51):
what a cup whenever the police departmentmakes a read. Lieutenant Abitt is
a spearhead. Not that he's sobrave, but he's the only cup in
the department with a head like aspear. Abbott is a quiet cop.
Every Sunday he sits home and listensto the radio. He's trying to win
the jack pot on stoff the music. He's trying to win it the hard
way, the hard way. Hehas no telephone. It's it's a chili
(17:21):
d and I've got a fire goingin the kitchenette of my little office.
There's a kettle boiling on the stove. Hello, Sam Shovel, what's that
smell coming from your kitchenette. It'smy washing. I thought it smelled too
good to be your cooking. I'mmighty tired, Sam, so are your
(17:44):
jokes. I'm really tired of I'vejust been out on a wild goose chase.
What were you chasing? A wildgoose? Lieutenant Abbott used to be
a comedian trying to make a living. He tried to make a living with
his monkey shines. He had togive it up. There's no money in
(18:06):
shining monkeys. Lieutenant Embot, I'vegot bad news for you. Your cook
was picked up this morning for passinga bad check. Who check wasn't yours?
That's not funny, Sam Shovel,you wanted a friend of mine,
i'd punch you in a nose.I knew. Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing.
He couldn't punch his way out ofa paper bag, but that don't
(18:27):
worry him. After all, howoften do you get stuck in a paper
bag? Oh? Cut the smalltown talk, Sam, Lefty lump head
is in town and he's gunning foryou. I know that, Lieutenant.
I've already notified the police. They'vethrown a net over the city. I'll
call headquarters and see how they're makingout. Hello, chief, Yes,
(18:48):
it's a sam shovel. Have yougot that net out for Lefty lump Head?
Yes? How's the networking? Didyou catch Lefty yet? No,
that's working fine already. We've caughtthree butterflies. Damn, this is really
serious. Lefty lump Head is akiller. He's out to get you.
He may be on his way herenow, and I know you're afraid of
(19:11):
him. Me afraid of Lefty lumpHead his tush. I'd like to see
the day i'd be afraid of him. Oh damn, this is the day
before me stood the toughest killer onthe coast. When he was eight years
(19:33):
old, he shot his father mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy
on the grounds that he was anorphan. What a tough mug. He's
got cauliflower heres never was a Fighter'sjust that his ears was made out of
cauliflower. I know the sup killer. Abbitts hand reached for his holster Abbott's
gun, barked, Oh, TerryCoppers, I got your covered, damn
(19:59):
trouble. I got one bullet inthis gun. It's for you. I'm
gonna give you a break, Sam, I'll put that bullet. Whatever you
say, it's all the same toyou. Put it in. Lieutenant Abbot,
you're pretty clever, Lefty, lumphead, you're one of the smartest
burglars in the business. But there'ssomething I want to ask, oh,
is that you you've never been caughtrobbing a It's cheasy, it's easy.
(20:23):
I only rob houses on Thursday night. Why did you pick Thursday nights?
Because Abercant Costillo round the air ofThursday nights and brother, when they're on
the air, nobody stays home.Lefty, that's a lie, Abtan cost
All arm Right now, I'll proveit's a lie by checking with a police
department. Hello, police department,can you tell me? We ain't got
(20:49):
time to talk to now why everyhouse in town is being robbed? I
had taken all I could stand fromthat pillar. Quick as a flash,
I pulled my gun. Sam,Lefty is seriously wounded. Your boat went
(21:11):
through a shoulder. Called the hospital. What have you done? What have
you done? Sam? Shuttle?You shot my boyfriend. Lefty's girl the
most gorgeous molony on the world.She's beautiful. Look he's bleeding. Call
the hospital. He's the only boyfriendI've got, and he's liable to die.
Call the hospital if he dies.Who's gonna love me? And queazed
(21:33):
me and kissed me all the more
All right, all right, Castelhere, I am so excited about Oh
I just played. I just finishedplaying my first game of football with the
California Girls team. You play footballwith girls on the girls team? Boom?
I bet that's exciting. Oh wellthe play ain't so exciting. But
all those huddles. I never heardof girls playing football. Where do they
(00:30):
get their players? Oh? Theypicked the girls according to the shape.
You know, quarterbacks, calf backs. You want to shoot those fullbacks.
I'm gonna study with the center.Is she pretty well? She's the next
thing to Lauren Bacall. Yeah,she looks like Humphrey Boga. But she
loves to play games. Last nightwe played part Cheesy Cheesy. Yes,
(00:52):
first I would kiss her, shewould kiss me, and then I would
kiss her. I wait, waita minute, who told her that was
party? I did? Hey,banisters, instead of setting home and playing
(01:14):
silly games. Why don't you takeit to the movie? Oh? I
tried to. I bought fourteen tickets, but we can get in? Why
not? Every time I bought aticket from the cash yer, sometime even
from at the door with arm up. Well, I don't know why a
girl would bother you with you inthe first play, You're ruggly, fat,
dumping, ignorant. Be for yougo any foot? I want to
say one thing. What's that?Don't go any foot? When it comes
(01:36):
to idiots, Castell, you cango to the head of the class.
Thank you, mister rabbit. AmI sure work hot enough they get there.
That's what I've a Hey, waita minute, where have you been?
Where have you been? Old?I don't know what I'm doing tonight?
(02:00):
Where have you been all the week? Monday, my girlfriend gave me
a fancy pink all tream with lace. I wore a Tuesday and got hit
by a car. They took meto the hospital. I'll never where that
you ensued a game or nine.It took me three days and took myself
out of them. Trinity Ward Threetynice in the hospital. Nice sure did.
(02:22):
Every day. For dessert, Ihad a California Sunday. It's two
scoops of twoty three ice cream withpineapple, strawberry appcats, prunes, peek
and shuice, handnuts, whipped cream, and six Marischino cherries. And they
serve it all in the hospitals.Now, we'll wait a minute. Why
would any hospital want to serve concoctionslike that. Can you think of a
better place to get sick? Well, anyway, you had a good resclue.
Oh no, I didn't. Ididn't sleep a winking that hospital.
(02:44):
Well, how did you sleep onyour right side of your left side?
I sleep flat on my back.That's your trouble. People who sleep on
their back all the time get theirback out of shape and all crooked.
You must sleep on your face.But while you're in the hospital, you
(03:05):
should have consulted a psychiatrist. Louany guy who would go to a psychiacter
sort to have his head examined?Costella, how did you ever become such
a complete idiot? I got friendsin Washington, you know, everything loved
me in that hospital. One ofthe doctors introduced me to a beautiful nurses.
(03:29):
He invited me to a party.That's very nice, I thought,
Knowledg, you're out of the hospital. You should reciprocate, definitely, hud
that again, Sure, I said, reciprocate. Don't you always reciprocate after
you've been invited to a party.It all depends on what they should.
(03:49):
No, No, don't Costeller.Reciprocate means to return the favor. For
instance, and a friend of minegot me a date with a beautiful blood,
I reciprocate if he gets me adate with a guardeous redhead, I
reciprocate. Now, when somebody getsyou a date with a beautiful girl,
what do you do? I dothe same thing you do, only I
don't lie about it. Never mindthat what was it that big package of
(04:17):
the rid you of this afternoon?It's a new television, said I bought
for Uncle Mike. Oh, Igotta go ride back home and hook.
Oh what does your uncle Mike wantwith a television? Step he wants to
see what doctor IQ does with thatwoman in the balcony. Yea, Uncle
Mike, all he does is listento the radio. And now with a
(04:40):
television, said, he'll never getout of the house. Oh, Uncle
Mike dos an't like he enters allthe radio contest. Last week he was
in a contest for a beer company. He had a sin in twenty five
beer bottle caps and a slogan,Well did he ride a good slogan?
After twenty five bots a beer?He couldn't even see the paper. Well,
anyway, radio is a wonderful thing, Castell. I just think it
(05:02):
fills the air with voices and personalitiesof all the gorgeous Hollywood stars. What
are you doing filling my lungs?Would read a Haywards were the Hayward Us?
All right? But she's just likeany other girl. What do you
(05:24):
mean? Well, take away herbeautiful hair and her lovely complexion and one
of you. Guy. I don'tknow, but you can send it over
to my house in the morning.You certainly love the California girls, don't
you. Oh? Yeah. WhenI was back home to Pattison, New
Jersey, I said to my mother, I said, Mom, take me
out west, where men are menand the women are women are what that's
(05:47):
all? Take me out with wherewomen are What makes you think the women
in Hollywood go for you? Well, I'm a pretty regular guy and a
pretty popular guy. Have it today? We moved to Los Angeles. I
want a city, white contest,city, white guns. What far being
the whitest guy in the city andin the beautiful chicken A surprise, I
Rhode Island purple. She lays thirtyeggs a day. Wait a minute,
(06:08):
way minute, let's straighten this out. Do you mean a Rhode Island red
abbat? When a chicken lays thirtyeggs a day. She's purple. Cassella,
I've come I have come to theconclusions you're the most stupid man in
the world. Even as a child, you were stupid. Oh no,
I wasn't. Back in Patterson,when I was only one year old,
I proved that I was the smartestbaby in town. How'd you do it?
(06:28):
One day I was playing around thestove. I picked up a red
hot coal. Nobody had to tellme to put it down. Hey,
Uncle Lowie, Uncle Lowie, pitcha couple to me. Will you have
sabbats? Nephew? Folks, Norman, what are you doing dressed up in
the baseball uniform? The baseball seenis nova? Oh? Let him alone,
Gassella. Norman likes baseball. Yeah, yeah, I'm nuts about baseball.
(06:49):
I played baseball all the time.I live baseball, I eat baseball,
and when I go to sleep atnight, I even dream of baseball.
Do you ever dream about girls?What? Miss my? Turn it
back? Get out of here.Okay, But before I go, I'd
like to tell you if you're likethat moron tie you're wearing, you mean
(07:11):
maroon time. Moron is an idiot? Yeah, only an idiot would wear
that five. I don't like thatguy Abbott r hol day long. Jen's
about baseball. He ain't got noromance, and so what you don't know
anything about romance? Hither, youshould have been with me last night in
the cozy living room, sitting room, sitting on a love sheet. Pull
(07:31):
the lights out and it was pitchdark. Wait a minute, wait did
you did you have a girl withyou? Well before, I'm not afraid
of the dark. Hello boy,hey, look hello, it's our lovely
new secretary, the oliv On ChiefLa. You look lovely tonight. That's
(07:56):
a gorgeous dress you're wearing. Oh, well, thank you. Do you
think it brings out my curve doesn't. Yes, it curves here and it
curves there, and some of itdon't even stay on the road. I'll
talk. How do you like Californiacompared to New York? Well, it's
wonderful, but the time confuses me. You know, California is the only
(08:18):
state that still has daylight saving time. You know that daylight saving time is
kind of silly to me too.You really don't save anything with daylight saving
time, You don't, Nah,it's just like shutting down. What you're
losing the front, your gain inthe back. That never mind him,
viola. What do you hear fromthat uncle of yours in London? Oh?
I received a postcard from my unclethis morning. He's having a fine
(08:39):
time. He spent the weekend votingon the English Channel voting. My cousin
Vincent swam across the English Channel underwater. That's preposterous. Any man who
did that would drown. The funeralis Wednesday, achieve, Yola. I'm
(09:03):
glad you came to work for us. How about giving a little Oh you
Hollywood men are so impetuous. Thefirst night you meet a girl you want
to kiss, well, I meana guy like me has to. They
don't show up the second night.Oh, I've noticed you've been rather cool
towards Castello. You never put yourarms around him or not. Well,
(09:26):
I was sort of waiting until tillyou know me a little longer. No,
till my arms get a little longer. By the way, isn't today
your birthday? Yes? It is. I'm eighteen. Think of it.
You're a sweet eighteen and I'm sweettwenty four. What about me? But
you're a sour sixty five? Nevermind that you're a chief skate cut Stello.
(09:50):
It's the olas birthday and you didn'tget her a present. Oh that's
all right, Castello, even ifyou don't express your felicitations on my natal
day with a tangible token of remembrance. I want you to know that I
understand. Good Now that you understandit, explain it to me. Bella
Costello is very forgetful about birthdays.Last week was my wife's birthday, and
(10:13):
he didn't send her a present.Night. No, I didn't get your
wife a present, But don't forgetI wrote her a poem. You wrote
Abbit's wife a Paul, how doesit go for miss Betty Abbitt? Your
clothes are really awfully cheap? Andspeaking of your sweater, give back the
world to those poor sheep on them. It looks much better. That's a
(10:43):
terrible poem. Costello got a terribleway. He's ignoranten he's uneducated. Just
a minute, because I went toschool and I studied science. For instance,
I know that the Sun is fivebillion miles from the Earth and the
light from the Sun comes down tothe Earth in exactly thirty second. Isn't
(11:05):
that wonderful? What's wonderful? Aboutit. It's downhill all the way.
All right, castella, come outhere. What's that you have in your
hand? Pictured my grandfather, GeneralStonewall Custole. What a hero of it.
(11:26):
He fought in the Spanish American War. Every time he went off the
battle, all the girls and Pattersonwould line up to kiss him goodbye.
Every time he went to battle,all the girls and Patterson kissed him goodbye.
Yes, the war ended in eighteenninety eight, but they couldn't get
Grandpatter stopped fighting from nineteen thirty five. He must have been some fighter.
Yes, she taught me to fight. I became quite a boxer. I
remember my first fight. In thethird round, my manager through the towel
(11:48):
and then I won. For waita minute, how could you win if
you're a manager threw in the towel, He threw it over my opponent's side.
Dummy, you're no fighter. You'renot an athlete. Out of an
athlete in your whole family. Ohyes, there is my brother Patters,
a famous athlete. Just last weekhe pitched a no hit game. Oh,
lots of guys that pitched no hitgames in football, Cassella, You
(12:13):
and your brother Patter the dopiest guysin the world. Yes, there nobody
a dope than him and me.That's incorrect you to say there's nobody dopia
then he and I. Okay,there's nobody a dopeia than him and you.
Well, never mind that. Howis Pat getting along with it?
That new girl? Oh well,for a while he had pretty tough.
Every time Pat went over to seeher, brother would threw him out of
the house. Last week, Ibrother went away to college and things are
(12:35):
different. What do you mean nowher father throws him out of the house?
Pad working? Oh, yes,he's got a job of a milk
company and he works like a horse. What does he do? He pulls
one of the wagons. Hello,what do you want? Norman? Are
you gonna do another one of themSam shovel misery programs tonight? Norman?
(13:00):
Look at the script. That's missI listened to the show. Brother,
it's misery. But if you don'tkeep them, Neph you out here,
I'm gonna flaten him. I'll hithim in the head so hard that the
shoes we'll have free tongue. Leavealone. Maybe it doesn't like your sam
shovel program, Well everyone else does. Now Here's a letter I got from
one of my fans this morning.Listen to this do you look costello?
(13:22):
I listen to the Sam Shovel Detectiveprogram last week you were so funny I
left my head off. I'm comingto the studio to see you to night.
There's a man out here to seeyou. What do you look like?
How can I tell his head usoff? Well? Enough of this,
nonsensetell. What does your same ChevelDetective story about tonight? It's one
(13:43):
of my greatest cases. Have it? I call it the case of the
Russian diplomat who took the six pmvote back to Russia? Or Red Tales
in the Sunset? Well, itsounds addressing. Let's get on with the
case. Fair enough. Now,the makers of Swanny River Cold Cream bring
(14:05):
you the adventures of Sam Shuttle,Private Detective. But there's a word about
our cuttuct. Swanny River Cold Creamis the only cold cream that contains peanut
butter. A What a time savingdevice this is, ladies. Now you
can cream your face and have yourlunch at the same time. And friends,
(14:26):
remember, we can sell Swanny RiverCold Cream cheaper than any other brand
because we've done away with costic containers. We use no tubes, no boxes,
no jar Just walk into your drugstore, ask for Swanny River cold
cream and hold out your hand.Now. But the Adventures of Sam Shuttle,
(14:48):
Private Detective. Yeah, I'm SamShovel, Sam Shall, a private
detective. The detective business has beenlousy lately. I ain't got a nickel
to my name. I guess it'sjust as well. I would a sound
(15:09):
of people call me Sam Shovel Nickel. Last night somebody ransacked my office.
They went over it with a finetoothcomb. I know they went over with
a fine toothcomb because this morning,when I came in, the horsehairs sofa
had a partner. I'm so mad. I can see Red Hi read in
(15:31):
the office. Across the court,I see the beautiful scenographer combing her hair.
He just combed out her bangs.I'm a little thirsty. I think
I'll have some orange uice. Isqueeze my arms, used the hard way,
the hard way. I placed theorange in my mouth, stick my
head in the doorway, and slowlyclosed the door. On my way to
(15:58):
the office, I found a wi'shandbag. I wonder what's in it.
I decide to empty the contents onmy desk. That takes care of the
change perth. I wonder what's inthe bag. I look at my appointment
book. I see that tonight Ihave a date with a gorgeous peach.
(16:22):
I think I'll break it and makea date with a girl. I look
out the window and the garage acrossthe street. The mechanic is working on
a car go. No matter whatcar comes in, he always races the
motor coming up the street. Isee my Piloteutenant Abitt of the homicide squad,
(16:51):
what a cup whenever the police departmentmakes a read. Lieutenant Abitt is
a spearhead. Not that he's sobrave, but he's the only cup in
the department with a head like aspear. Abbott is a quiet cop.
Every Sunday he sits home and listensto the radio. He's trying to win
the jack pot on stoff the music. He's trying to win it the hard
way, the hard way. Hehas no telephone. It's it's a chili
(17:21):
d and I've got a fire goingin the kitchenette of my little office.
There's a kettle boiling on the stove. Hello, Sam Shovel, what's that
smell coming from your kitchenette. It'smy washing. I thought it smelled too
good to be your cooking. I'mmighty tired, Sam, so are your
(17:44):
jokes. I'm really tired of I'vejust been out on a wild goose chase.
What were you chasing? A wildgoose? Lieutenant Abbott used to be
a comedian trying to make a living. He tried to make a living with
his monkey shines. He had togive it up. There's no money in
(18:06):
shining monkeys. Lieutenant Embot, I'vegot bad news for you. Your cook
was picked up this morning for passinga bad check. Who check wasn't yours?
That's not funny, Sam Shovel,you wanted a friend of mine,
i'd punch you in a nose.I knew. Lieutenant Abbott was only bluffing.
He couldn't punch his way out ofa paper bag, but that don't
(18:27):
worry him. After all, howoften do you get stuck in a paper
bag? Oh? Cut the smalltown talk, Sam, Lefty lump head
is in town and he's gunning foryou. I know that, Lieutenant.
I've already notified the police. They'vethrown a net over the city. I'll
call headquarters and see how they're makingout. Hello, chief, Yes,
(18:48):
it's a sam shovel. Have yougot that net out for Lefty lump Head?
Yes? How's the networking? Didyou catch Lefty yet? No,
that's working fine already. We've caughtthree butterflies. Damn, this is really
serious. Lefty lump Head is akiller. He's out to get you.
He may be on his way herenow, and I know you're afraid of
(19:11):
him. Me afraid of Lefty lumpHead his tush. I'd like to see
the day i'd be afraid of him. Oh damn, this is the day
before me stood the toughest killer onthe coast. When he was eight years
(19:33):
old, he shot his father mother. Then he asked the judge for mercy
on the grounds that he was anorphan. What a tough mug. He's
got cauliflower heres never was a Fighter'sjust that his ears was made out of
cauliflower. I know the sup killer. Abbitts hand reached for his holster Abbott's
gun, barked, Oh, TerryCoppers, I got your covered, damn
(19:59):
trouble. I got one bullet inthis gun. It's for you. I'm
gonna give you a break, Sam, I'll put that bullet. Whatever you
say, it's all the same toyou. Put it in. Lieutenant Abbot,
you're pretty clever, Lefty, lumphead, you're one of the smartest
burglars in the business. But there'ssomething I want to ask, oh,
is that you you've never been caughtrobbing a It's cheasy, it's easy.
(20:23):
I only rob houses on Thursday night. Why did you pick Thursday nights?
Because Abercant Costillo round the air ofThursday nights and brother, when they're on
the air, nobody stays home.Lefty, that's a lie, Abtan cost
All arm Right now, I'll proveit's a lie by checking with a police
department. Hello, police department,can you tell me? We ain't got
(20:49):
time to talk to now why everyhouse in town is being robbed? I
had taken all I could stand fromthat pillar. Quick as a flash,
I pulled my gun. Sam,Lefty is seriously wounded. Your boat went
(21:11):
through a shoulder. Called the hospital. What have you done? What have
you done? Sam? Shuttle?You shot my boyfriend. Lefty's girl the
most gorgeous molony on the world.She's beautiful. Look he's bleeding. Call
the hospital. He's the only boyfriendI've got, and he's liable to die.
Call the hospital if he dies.Who's gonna love me? And queazed
(21:33):
me and kissed me all the more
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