May 24, 2023 • 21 mins
Abbott and Costello debuted on radio on Kate Smith's program in 1938. They continued performing on the show until the summer of 1940. Their first program of their own was a summer replacement for The Fred Allen Show in 1940. After a hiatus of two years, the show returned as a regular network program in the fall of 1942 and ran through the spring of 1949.
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
The show was a variety program, with Abbott and Costello performing comedy sketches, songs, and musical numbers. The show also featured a number of recurring characters, including Bud Abbott's character, "Louie the Garbage Man," and Lou Costello's character, "Noodles."
The Abbott and Costello Show was one of the most popular radio programs of its time. It was a major influence on the development of the sitcom genre, and it helped to make Abbott and Costello one of the most popular comedy teams in history.
Here are some of the most famous sketches from The Abbott and Costello Show:
"Who's on First?"
"The Gas Man"
"The Time of Their Lives"
"The Whodunit?"
"The Mad Doctor"
Listen to our radio station Old Time Radio https://link.radioking.com/otradio
Listen to other Shows at My Classic Radio https://www.myclassicradio.net/
Remember that times have changed, and some shows might not reflect the standards of today’s politically correct society. The shows do not necessarily reflect the views, standards, or beliefs of Entertainment Radio
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Ah, stop that ragged. Wherehave you been all afternoon? Where have
you all lefternoon? I took atour of the movie starts home. I
passed Burglary Pets House and said,gee, I'd like to have his cad
like. Then I passed Clock CablesHouse and I said, gee, I'd
like to have his shot. ThenI passed Harry James House and I said,
yes, what would I do withhis trumpet? You know I shouldn't
(00:30):
be kidding at it. I mean, after all, I got a threatening
letter today. Somebody wants to killme. That's why I got it.
How many people listen to you everyweek? I stella here, let me
see all? I get about twelvemillion. That's amazing. Then I got
oh, you mean that I gotsomebody listeners? No, No, that's
when we got one threatening letter.Showman, show me where it says that
(00:53):
in the script? Show me whereit says that in the script? Mmmmmm,
well, never mind, never mind. What are you gonna do about
the letter? Well, that's yourline shooting. Never mind? What are
you gonna do about the letter?That's where I heard it? Yeah,
what are you gonna do about theletter? Loop? Well, the person
(01:14):
to send me the letter. Maybehe may be any onis. Tonight,
I'm gonna search everybody out there.I'm gonna start with that blonde in the
front row. No, no,don't be silly, Costello. A beautiful
girl like that wouldn't be carrying agun. You look for what you like,
and I'll look for what I like. You aren't so iggerant and stupid.
(01:34):
You wouldn't pay any attention to theletter stupid and n iggerant. I
was very smart in school. Whena teacher asked the question, I was
always the first one that raised myhand, you are Sometimes it was to
answer the question turn a gun?He stop that? Ye come over here?
(02:00):
What have you been doing in thattelephone? Move all afternoon? Then
I'm giving a big party to mynight New Year's Eve. You know,
I've just got to get Earl Flynnand Hetty Lamar. It's my guest of
honor. Why do you have tohave Earl Flynn and Lamar? What does
he have? But this year NewYear's Eve comes on Friday night, ride
any night, and I can't serveany meat, So I thought it would
be kind of nice to have Flynnand Hetty. I'll never mind that did
(02:27):
your brother, Pat gonna have anice New Year's this year. Oh yeah,
you know this is the first yearsince he's been out of the Navy.
Yeah, she's very happy about it. The Veterans Committee got him an
apartment for two hundred and fifty dollarsa month. Does he like it?
Yeah? It's him and his wifeand his baby, and his father in
law and his mother in law areall living there in one room. Well,
(02:51):
isn't kind of crowded? Only atnight when the landlord becks his car
in. It mean that Pat isliving in a garage and paying two hundred
and fifty dollars a month. That'strade, dick. I'll bet I could.
I could rent the same garage forfifty dollars a month. Yeah,
(03:12):
but you ain't up veteran, right. You can say that again. Why
should I stay out again? Itdidn't get it left the first time.
That's that. I don't know Ieven talk to you. Why didn't you
pack up your things and all themorons? That's tilly et? What would
I do in Washington? I'll nevermind that. I want you to remember
(03:39):
that nineteen forty nine is only acouple of days off, and I hope
that next year you'll settle down andget married. You should get married.
Don't you miss being married? Don'tyou miss having a little woman around the
house. No, I hang wetnylons in the bathroom. I scattered bobby
pins all over the floor. Ismear all my towels with stick and you'll
(04:00):
be surprised. How I don't noticethere was no woman around. Well,
if you come to my house tomorrowand I'm having quite a party and I'll
introduce some nice girl, well Ican't have it. You see, we're
having a party at my uncle Mike'shouse, and I can't wait to play
that new game he invented. Thisgame will take the place of jigsaw puzzles.
How do you play it? Well, you open up a can of
crushed pineapple and try to put thepieces together. But are you're gonna play
(04:28):
in the other game? Oh?Sure, we played the regular game we
play at our house every New Year'sEve. It's called Scotch Punch. How
do you play? How do youplay that? I punched the first guy
that touches a scotch when your unclemikeey at the party, I don't think
so, abbot, he's in jail. For reckless driving. You know the
sheriff won't let him out. Hewon't know. Well, if the sheriff
homes let him out, you knowthe mayor de vet may de Yeah,
(04:54):
why don't you call him? Maybehe could swing it. You must know
somebody they can swing it. Ithink I'll call I'm in Miranda. Huh
coming Miranda. She don't even knowthe sheriff. I know of a brother,
can she swing it? Or misterCastello? Mister Castello, You've got
(05:15):
to help me. What's the matter, young man? Well, my wife
wants to send me to a sanitarium. Why because I like French fried potatoes.
What's wrong with that? Young man? I love French fried potatoes myself.
Did you do, mister Costello?Certainly, then you must come over
to my house. I've got tongsand tongs just full of French fried for
tats. You know it. Helooks permitted to me. I think I
(05:43):
saw him at the two dollars winat the Bank of America. Wait a
minute, I've heard of a payingwinden, a receiving window and alone window.
But since when have they got atwo dollars at the Bank of America?
Assist the president without the Santa Anita. So the business are doing with
theirs? You want to go outthe race track, Abbitt? It runs
(06:05):
like a machine machine. Yeah,vacuum cleaning. The only prison in the
world where the windows cleaned the people. I hope you'll pardon the intrusion,
boys, but you remember me.I was candidate for representative from your district.
Oh here, gentleman, Yeah,same Harry Brown that problems to clean
(06:29):
up the city, close up allthe pool hall, bring back pool office,
and finished the Hollywood Freeway. MisterBrown, what are you doing now?
Nothing? I was elected, bythe way, Cassel. I want
to thank you for inviting my sister. My wife and sister made to the
(06:53):
Rose Bowl with you next New Year'sDay. But I still I still can't
understand why you invited. Very simpleof it. Both wife and your sister
babe have peroxide blonde hair. What'sthat got to do with it? Well,
they're all out of tickets and Ifigured I better bring my own bleachers.
Good evening, boy, I loveCastell. It's a secretary, the
(07:14):
olive one. Well, the oliveone. You give me the wrong place.
YE can tell you ought to beashamed of yourself. The Ola has
only been in California in a shorttime. Try to make her feel at
home. Say something nice to her. All right, your old girl has
been rightfully nice seeing you again,rightfully nice? Oh, thank you,
(07:35):
and it's been frightful seeing you again. Quiet, Castella, let me handle
it. The ala you look threetonight? Will we la? How do
you speak French? Oh? Iget around. Listen to this Chevrolet coupe
Griffith Park. Hello. That thatwouldn't get you very far in France.
(08:03):
Yeah, do pretty good with Glendalethere you no attention to him? Be
all it? How would you liketo come over to my house New Year's
Eve for a little late supper?Is going to be a buffet? Is
going to be? What buffet?Buffet? Ab it? Don't be a
(08:24):
dope, You know what buffet is. That's French for let's go to the
table and slug it all among ourselveson second podcast. I don't think I
want with my house on New Year'sEve. Your table manners are approacious,
mister abbit. Let let him comeover to our house, because Jella,
you just watch me, I haveperfect table man. Well is that so?
(08:48):
Well? That's one thing I've beenmeaning to ask you. Every time
you drink coffee, you always stickyour fingers straight out. What's that for?
That's where you hang the wet doughnutsfolder. That was very, very
funny. And all I can sayto you is what the skunk would say
to his brother? What are thesunks? Scunk? I still would like
(09:15):
to know what page you're on?What did the scum say to his brother?
Vegapon? What did the scum skits? All right, folks, we'll
all go back to page sixteen.What did the scum say to his brother?
(09:37):
Got your teeth back in here?And the question yes or no?
I'll just have it this once more. What did the scum say to his
brother? You do too? Youdo no? Please, don't get mad,
(10:07):
costellat mad. I'm happy. Thisis the end of the New year
and New Year's Eve, Old year, the end of the script? What
did you say? This is theend of the old year and New Year's
Eve. Now I'm gonna give youthe hottest, burning, sizzling at kids
(10:31):
you've ever had. You are yeHenson, New York in Chicago, Stay
tuned in. This may be justwhat you need to melt the snow off
your streets. Castella I've come tothe conclusion that you are the most unintelligent
Igland stupid. Then can poop inthe state of California. Wello, fella's
(10:52):
got to make good at something.I still like that skunker hunker line,
if you're all. I was startinga new year in a few days,
and I'd like you to stay withus as our secretary. You like the
job, don't you. Well,mister Abbott, I don't really know you.
See, I was a secretary foran insurance man. Then I worked
in a bank. But my motheris a little skeptical about my working for
(11:15):
Hollywood actors. The only has yourmother been telling you that old stuff about
how actors are all wolves, thatthey do nothing but chase girls and go
to parties, and that they're allup all night whooping and hollering, and
that no self respecting girls should associatewith him. Well, yes she has.
Well do you want to know something? What she's so? Right?
(11:43):
Come over here? Why are yourunning in that little book? Think a
fun? What are you writing inthat little book? What are you perspiring
for? I'm asking castell On here, what are you writing in that little
book? I got four New Year'sresturtions written in Here Rabbit A nineteen forty
nine. Here's what I'm gonna do. Resolution Number one, I resolve to
improve my handwriting. Oh that's good. What is number two? How they
(12:07):
like that? I can't read it? I'll step it much much. Number
three, love thy neighbor a Numberfour move next door to head of Lamar.
Why don't you make up a sensiblelist of resolutions? I'm only kiding,
(12:28):
but I got a sensible list.Listen to this. Number one,
give up going a nightclub. Numbertwo, give up going with girls.
Number three, give up resolutions numberone and number two same please? I
like the one about love thy neighbor. Yeah, but where where are you
going to spend movie? Well?I could go to a Aheava gardeness party.
(12:48):
There's only one thing that's stopping me. What's that you didn't invite me?
That shows you how popular you arewith the girls. Questionally, I
don't care about girls. You don'tjust so I'm popular with my Sam Shovel
Detective fans. The listeners love meit just for the snow I got today.
Dear Luke Costello or Sam Shovel PrivateDetective, you are wonderful. You
(13:11):
kill me if you ain't the funniestguy in the radio. I'm a monkey's
uncle. I'm coming to the studiotonight. Let's castello. Is someone here
to see you? Show the manin. It's no man, just a
monkey with his uncle. Well,never mind, name Cristel. I wanted
your Sam Shovel detective mystery about tonight. It's one of my greatest cases.
(13:33):
Have it. I call it themurder at the radio quiz show. Or
I've got a body in a balcony. Doctor that sounds like a Danny.
Let's do it right. Yes,I'm Sam Shovel, sam Shovel private detective.
I'll take any kind of a case. If you needed to take them
(13:54):
the shadow somebody. Call me.If you need evidence front the horse.
Call me. If you need adetect it with purage and fortitude. Call
me. If your life is threatenedby a mob of desperate arm colonels and
you need somebody to shoot it outwith them. There's plenty of other detective
you can call. I sit hereat my desk. I decided to read.
I pick up my newspaper. It'sthe Hurled Express. I see an
(14:24):
ass for California grape fruit. You'regonna always tell it genuine California grapefruit.
If it don't squirts juice at squirtsfog. While reading, I decided to
smoke. I reach for my oldIndian piece pipe. It's a genuine old
Indian piece pipe stead of tobaccos,filled with pieces of old Indians. I
glanced how to win at the beautifulsecretaria across the hall. She's wearing a
(14:46):
new mean coat she got for Christmas. Got that mean coat the hard way,
the hard way. He bought itherself. I hear a strange sound
coming from the this office next doorforward right face my cupboard. What he's
drilling somebody's teeth? My ceiling justtracked. He's a plaster fell on my
(15:15):
desk. There's something written on theplaster. It's as wide as a chicken
crossed the street. It's corn plaster. My ceiling is full of old tracks,
all my riders on my wall.I noticed a picture of trigger finger
Tessie. What a girl. Heshot from the hip and she could hit
(15:37):
anything. And one day she boughta gun, but she throwed away.
Found out she could hit more peoplewith a hip. Tessie was a gun
mob. Every time she started topull a job. Like cooked her goose
in Cleveland, Night cooked her goose, and Boss night cooked her goose in
(15:58):
all of An. I cooked hergoose. One day she asked me to
marry you, She said, Sam, nobody can cook a hoose like you.
I gave her a job as mysecretary, but she never could get
any work done the office. Shewas a bottleneck. Every time I opened
a bottle, she'd want her neck. Well, here I am all alone,
(16:21):
and it's New Year's Eve. Ilook out at the winner, the
crowds in the street water record.Everybody's celebrating. Half the men. Half
the men have noisemakers. You're thehalf left their wives home. In the
crowd, I see my pile.Lout Tenant Abit of the Homicide Spot.
Halbit is a shrewd cup, buthe's very tight with money. He gave
(16:45):
his wife a bottle of perfume forChristmas. Perfume was so cheap that when
she put on her fur coat blewout holding the nose. Little Tenantabit is
a drinking man, and how heloves beer, but a nineteen forty nine.
He's going on a wagon. Notbecause he wants to quit drinking,
(17:07):
but he figures if he goes ona wagon, he'll have to be that
much closer to the beer. Suddenlymy office door opened, Hello, Sam
Shovel, Happy New Year. Wherehave you been? I haven't seen you
all week. I've been helping outwith a Christmas rush at Nancy's department store.
They fired me. I made amistake. I took us sign off
a dress and put it on abathtup. What do the sign say?
(17:30):
How would you like to see yourgirl in this fo dollar ninety eight?
Never mind that, Sam? Areyou coming to my house to play poker?
Not of your wife is gonna play? What's the matter with my wife?
She's a great poker player. Mywife has a real poker face.
Every time I see her, Iwant a poker face. What a New
(17:55):
Year's Eve? Please? Departments joinnuts with a traffic problem. I wonder
how Officer McShane doing on Hollywood andmine offer some ex. Shane is now
at Sunsetting figure OA who moved themaway? Down there? Rand New Red
Hudson going ninety miles an hour?A figured about man? Are you going
(18:15):
to a nightclub to celebrate New Year'sEve? Not me? Lieutenant Abt is
too expensive? I went to aHollywood nightclub Saturday night, ringside tables for
fifty dollars. The last row wastwenty five dollars. Cost five dollars.
Way back at the bar, Ipaid fifty cents. Could you see the
show? Yes? I did,but it was very annoying all night long.
Some guy kept prushing me off witha whisper room. Why didn't you
(18:42):
come to my house tonight? Sam, There'll be a swell polly. Bring
that cute little redhead you met yesterday. I had her out last night.
We went to Griffith Park and saton the bench. Every time I kissed
her, she pulled her hair outof her head. Well, bring into
the body, Lieutenant. I wouldit looked for me to walk into your
house with a ball headed girl.I know who I'll bring, Gerty,
(19:06):
Gerty, she's us. Well ata party, she's us. Scream Does
she played Pianna? No? Doesshe sing? No? What does she
do? She screams? We wereSam shrouble for Sam Shouble is a great
detective. I gotta see Sam Shouble. Calm Down's the matter? There's something
(19:27):
something on your mind? There mustbe something on his mind. There's nothing
on his head. I'm joking,Sam, shrouble. You've gotta help me.
Please, there's something the matter withmy wife. She's asleep. I
can't wake her up. Sam,I can't wake up my wife. Have
(19:48):
you tried shaken her? Shaken her? I've been doing better than that for
the past two hours. I've beenhitting her on the head with a hammer.
Damn, it's New year'st forget you'rea detective. Let's go to my
house for a New Year's party.Well, Sam, how are you joined
(20:18):
the party? Fine? Everybody,We're going to play a game. Now.
Everybody's got to get up and dosomething to entertain heyam struggle, get
up first, friend, countryman,and other stuff that goes with it.
(20:42):
I'll do the best I can toentertain you. But remember, I'm just
a private detective. I'm not anentertainer. You can say that again.
Who's that Lieutenant President of ABC?I had to invite him. As I
said before, friends, I'll domy best to entertain you. How would
you like to see some of myfamous magic tricks? Okay, okay,
(21:07):
now, Lieutenant of ME, Iborrow your handkerchief, thank you. Now,
mister President of ABC, may Iborrow your watch? Okay, here,
but be careful with it. Mywife gave it to me for Christmas.
Good. Now watch me carefully.First, I wrapped the watch in
the handkerchief. I tie four nutsin the handkerchief. Now I place it
on the floor and jump up anddown on it like this. Hey,
(21:33):
what kind of a trick is that? You busted my watch to pieces?
Yes, but I want you tonotice there's not one wrinkle in the handkerchief.
Ah, stop that ragged. Wherehave you been all afternoon? Where have
you all lefternoon? I took atour of the movie starts home. I
passed Burglary Pets House and said,gee, I'd like to have his cad
like. Then I passed Clock CablesHouse and I said, gee, I'd
like to have his shot. ThenI passed Harry James House and I said,
yes, what would I do withhis trumpet? You know I shouldn't
(00:30):
be kidding at it. I mean, after all, I got a threatening
letter today. Somebody wants to killme. That's why I got it.
How many people listen to you everyweek? I stella here, let me
see all? I get about twelvemillion. That's amazing. Then I got
oh, you mean that I gotsomebody listeners? No, No, that's
when we got one threatening letter.Showman, show me where it says that
(00:53):
in the script? Show me whereit says that in the script? Mmmmmm,
well, never mind, never mind. What are you gonna do about
the letter? Well, that's yourline shooting. Never mind? What are
you gonna do about the letter?That's where I heard it? Yeah,
what are you gonna do about theletter? Loop? Well, the person
(01:14):
to send me the letter. Maybehe may be any onis. Tonight,
I'm gonna search everybody out there.I'm gonna start with that blonde in the
front row. No, no,don't be silly, Costello. A beautiful
girl like that wouldn't be carrying agun. You look for what you like,
and I'll look for what I like. You aren't so iggerant and stupid.
(01:34):
You wouldn't pay any attention to theletter stupid and n iggerant. I
was very smart in school. Whena teacher asked the question, I was
always the first one that raised myhand, you are Sometimes it was to
answer the question turn a gun?He stop that? Ye come over here?
(02:00):
What have you been doing in thattelephone? Move all afternoon? Then
I'm giving a big party to mynight New Year's Eve. You know,
I've just got to get Earl Flynnand Hetty Lamar. It's my guest of
honor. Why do you have tohave Earl Flynn and Lamar? What does
he have? But this year NewYear's Eve comes on Friday night, ride
any night, and I can't serveany meat, So I thought it would
be kind of nice to have Flynnand Hetty. I'll never mind that did
(02:27):
your brother, Pat gonna have anice New Year's this year. Oh yeah,
you know this is the first yearsince he's been out of the Navy.
Yeah, she's very happy about it. The Veterans Committee got him an
apartment for two hundred and fifty dollarsa month. Does he like it?
Yeah? It's him and his wifeand his baby, and his father in
law and his mother in law areall living there in one room. Well,
(02:51):
isn't kind of crowded? Only atnight when the landlord becks his car
in. It mean that Pat isliving in a garage and paying two hundred
and fifty dollars a month. That'strade, dick. I'll bet I could.
I could rent the same garage forfifty dollars a month. Yeah,
(03:12):
but you ain't up veteran, right. You can say that again. Why
should I stay out again? Itdidn't get it left the first time.
That's that. I don't know Ieven talk to you. Why didn't you
pack up your things and all themorons? That's tilly et? What would
I do in Washington? I'll nevermind that. I want you to remember
(03:39):
that nineteen forty nine is only acouple of days off, and I hope
that next year you'll settle down andget married. You should get married.
Don't you miss being married? Don'tyou miss having a little woman around the
house. No, I hang wetnylons in the bathroom. I scattered bobby
pins all over the floor. Ismear all my towels with stick and you'll
(04:00):
be surprised. How I don't noticethere was no woman around. Well,
if you come to my house tomorrowand I'm having quite a party and I'll
introduce some nice girl, well Ican't have it. You see, we're
having a party at my uncle Mike'shouse, and I can't wait to play
that new game he invented. Thisgame will take the place of jigsaw puzzles.
How do you play it? Well, you open up a can of
crushed pineapple and try to put thepieces together. But are you're gonna play
(04:28):
in the other game? Oh?Sure, we played the regular game we
play at our house every New Year'sEve. It's called Scotch Punch. How
do you play? How do youplay that? I punched the first guy
that touches a scotch when your unclemikeey at the party, I don't think
so, abbot, he's in jail. For reckless driving. You know the
sheriff won't let him out. Hewon't know. Well, if the sheriff
homes let him out, you knowthe mayor de vet may de Yeah,
(04:54):
why don't you call him? Maybehe could swing it. You must know
somebody they can swing it. Ithink I'll call I'm in Miranda. Huh
coming Miranda. She don't even knowthe sheriff. I know of a brother,
can she swing it? Or misterCastello? Mister Castello, You've got
(05:15):
to help me. What's the matter, young man? Well, my wife
wants to send me to a sanitarium. Why because I like French fried potatoes.
What's wrong with that? Young man? I love French fried potatoes myself.
Did you do, mister Costello?Certainly, then you must come over
to my house. I've got tongsand tongs just full of French fried for
tats. You know it. Helooks permitted to me. I think I
(05:43):
saw him at the two dollars winat the Bank of America. Wait a
minute, I've heard of a payingwinden, a receiving window and alone window.
But since when have they got atwo dollars at the Bank of America?
Assist the president without the Santa Anita. So the business are doing with
theirs? You want to go outthe race track, Abbitt? It runs
(06:05):
like a machine machine. Yeah,vacuum cleaning. The only prison in the
world where the windows cleaned the people. I hope you'll pardon the intrusion,
boys, but you remember me.I was candidate for representative from your district.
Oh here, gentleman, Yeah,same Harry Brown that problems to clean
(06:29):
up the city, close up allthe pool hall, bring back pool office,
and finished the Hollywood Freeway. MisterBrown, what are you doing now?
Nothing? I was elected, bythe way, Cassel. I want
to thank you for inviting my sister. My wife and sister made to the
(06:53):
Rose Bowl with you next New Year'sDay. But I still I still can't
understand why you invited. Very simpleof it. Both wife and your sister
babe have peroxide blonde hair. What'sthat got to do with it? Well,
they're all out of tickets and Ifigured I better bring my own bleachers.
Good evening, boy, I loveCastell. It's a secretary, the
(07:14):
olive one. Well, the oliveone. You give me the wrong place.
YE can tell you ought to beashamed of yourself. The Ola has
only been in California in a shorttime. Try to make her feel at
home. Say something nice to her. All right, your old girl has
been rightfully nice seeing you again,rightfully nice? Oh, thank you,
(07:35):
and it's been frightful seeing you again. Quiet, Castella, let me handle
it. The ala you look threetonight? Will we la? How do
you speak French? Oh? Iget around. Listen to this Chevrolet coupe
Griffith Park. Hello. That thatwouldn't get you very far in France.
(08:03):
Yeah, do pretty good with Glendalethere you no attention to him? Be
all it? How would you liketo come over to my house New Year's
Eve for a little late supper?Is going to be a buffet? Is
going to be? What buffet?Buffet? Ab it? Don't be a
(08:24):
dope, You know what buffet is. That's French for let's go to the
table and slug it all among ourselveson second podcast. I don't think I
want with my house on New Year'sEve. Your table manners are approacious,
mister abbit. Let let him comeover to our house, because Jella,
you just watch me, I haveperfect table man. Well is that so?
(08:48):
Well? That's one thing I've beenmeaning to ask you. Every time
you drink coffee, you always stickyour fingers straight out. What's that for?
That's where you hang the wet doughnutsfolder. That was very, very
funny. And all I can sayto you is what the skunk would say
to his brother? What are thesunks? Scunk? I still would like
(09:15):
to know what page you're on?What did the scum say to his brother?
Vegapon? What did the scum skits? All right, folks, we'll
all go back to page sixteen.What did the scum say to his brother?
(09:37):
Got your teeth back in here?And the question yes or no?
I'll just have it this once more. What did the scum say to his
brother? You do too? Youdo no? Please, don't get mad,
(10:07):
costellat mad. I'm happy. Thisis the end of the New year
and New Year's Eve, Old year, the end of the script? What
did you say? This is theend of the old year and New Year's
Eve. Now I'm gonna give youthe hottest, burning, sizzling at kids
(10:31):
you've ever had. You are yeHenson, New York in Chicago, Stay
tuned in. This may be justwhat you need to melt the snow off
your streets. Castella I've come tothe conclusion that you are the most unintelligent
Igland stupid. Then can poop inthe state of California. Wello, fella's
(10:52):
got to make good at something.I still like that skunker hunker line,
if you're all. I was startinga new year in a few days,
and I'd like you to stay withus as our secretary. You like the
job, don't you. Well,mister Abbott, I don't really know you.
See, I was a secretary foran insurance man. Then I worked
in a bank. But my motheris a little skeptical about my working for
(11:15):
Hollywood actors. The only has yourmother been telling you that old stuff about
how actors are all wolves, thatthey do nothing but chase girls and go
to parties, and that they're allup all night whooping and hollering, and
that no self respecting girls should associatewith him. Well, yes she has.
Well do you want to know something? What she's so? Right?
(11:43):
Come over here? Why are yourunning in that little book? Think a
fun? What are you writing inthat little book? What are you perspiring
for? I'm asking castell On here, what are you writing in that little
book? I got four New Year'sresturtions written in Here Rabbit A nineteen forty
nine. Here's what I'm gonna do. Resolution Number one, I resolve to
improve my handwriting. Oh that's good. What is number two? How they
(12:07):
like that? I can't read it? I'll step it much much. Number
three, love thy neighbor a Numberfour move next door to head of Lamar.
Why don't you make up a sensiblelist of resolutions? I'm only kiding,
(12:28):
but I got a sensible list.Listen to this. Number one,
give up going a nightclub. Numbertwo, give up going with girls.
Number three, give up resolutions numberone and number two same please? I
like the one about love thy neighbor. Yeah, but where where are you
going to spend movie? Well?I could go to a Aheava gardeness party.
(12:48):
There's only one thing that's stopping me. What's that you didn't invite me?
That shows you how popular you arewith the girls. Questionally, I
don't care about girls. You don'tjust so I'm popular with my Sam Shovel
Detective fans. The listeners love meit just for the snow I got today.
Dear Luke Costello or Sam Shovel PrivateDetective, you are wonderful. You
(13:11):
kill me if you ain't the funniestguy in the radio. I'm a monkey's
uncle. I'm coming to the studiotonight. Let's castello. Is someone here
to see you? Show the manin. It's no man, just a
monkey with his uncle. Well,never mind, name Cristel. I wanted
your Sam Shovel detective mystery about tonight. It's one of my greatest cases.
(13:33):
Have it. I call it themurder at the radio quiz show. Or
I've got a body in a balcony. Doctor that sounds like a Danny.
Let's do it right. Yes,I'm Sam Shovel, sam Shovel private detective.
I'll take any kind of a case. If you needed to take them
(13:54):
the shadow somebody. Call me.If you need evidence front the horse.
Call me. If you need adetect it with purage and fortitude. Call
me. If your life is threatenedby a mob of desperate arm colonels and
you need somebody to shoot it outwith them. There's plenty of other detective
you can call. I sit hereat my desk. I decided to read.
I pick up my newspaper. It'sthe Hurled Express. I see an
(14:24):
ass for California grape fruit. You'regonna always tell it genuine California grapefruit.
If it don't squirts juice at squirtsfog. While reading, I decided to
smoke. I reach for my oldIndian piece pipe. It's a genuine old
Indian piece pipe stead of tobaccos,filled with pieces of old Indians. I
glanced how to win at the beautifulsecretaria across the hall. She's wearing a
(14:46):
new mean coat she got for Christmas. Got that mean coat the hard way,
the hard way. He bought itherself. I hear a strange sound
coming from the this office next doorforward right face my cupboard. What he's
drilling somebody's teeth? My ceiling justtracked. He's a plaster fell on my
(15:15):
desk. There's something written on theplaster. It's as wide as a chicken
crossed the street. It's corn plaster. My ceiling is full of old tracks,
all my riders on my wall.I noticed a picture of trigger finger
Tessie. What a girl. Heshot from the hip and she could hit
(15:37):
anything. And one day she boughta gun, but she throwed away.
Found out she could hit more peoplewith a hip. Tessie was a gun
mob. Every time she started topull a job. Like cooked her goose
in Cleveland, Night cooked her goose, and Boss night cooked her goose in
(15:58):
all of An. I cooked hergoose. One day she asked me to
marry you, She said, Sam, nobody can cook a hoose like you.
I gave her a job as mysecretary, but she never could get
any work done the office. Shewas a bottleneck. Every time I opened
a bottle, she'd want her neck. Well, here I am all alone,
(16:21):
and it's New Year's Eve. Ilook out at the winner, the
crowds in the street water record.Everybody's celebrating. Half the men. Half
the men have noisemakers. You're thehalf left their wives home. In the
crowd, I see my pile.Lout Tenant Abit of the Homicide Spot.
Halbit is a shrewd cup, buthe's very tight with money. He gave
(16:45):
his wife a bottle of perfume forChristmas. Perfume was so cheap that when
she put on her fur coat blewout holding the nose. Little Tenantabit is
a drinking man, and how heloves beer, but a nineteen forty nine.
He's going on a wagon. Notbecause he wants to quit drinking,
(17:07):
but he figures if he goes ona wagon, he'll have to be that
much closer to the beer. Suddenlymy office door opened, Hello, Sam
Shovel, Happy New Year. Wherehave you been? I haven't seen you
all week. I've been helping outwith a Christmas rush at Nancy's department store.
They fired me. I made amistake. I took us sign off
a dress and put it on abathtup. What do the sign say?
(17:30):
How would you like to see yourgirl in this fo dollar ninety eight?
Never mind that, Sam? Areyou coming to my house to play poker?
Not of your wife is gonna play? What's the matter with my wife?
She's a great poker player. Mywife has a real poker face.
Every time I see her, Iwant a poker face. What a New
(17:55):
Year's Eve? Please? Departments joinnuts with a traffic problem. I wonder
how Officer McShane doing on Hollywood andmine offer some ex. Shane is now
at Sunsetting figure OA who moved themaway? Down there? Rand New Red
Hudson going ninety miles an hour?A figured about man? Are you going
(18:15):
to a nightclub to celebrate New Year'sEve? Not me? Lieutenant Abt is
too expensive? I went to aHollywood nightclub Saturday night, ringside tables for
fifty dollars. The last row wastwenty five dollars. Cost five dollars.
Way back at the bar, Ipaid fifty cents. Could you see the
show? Yes? I did,but it was very annoying all night long.
Some guy kept prushing me off witha whisper room. Why didn't you
(18:42):
come to my house tonight? Sam, There'll be a swell polly. Bring
that cute little redhead you met yesterday. I had her out last night.
We went to Griffith Park and saton the bench. Every time I kissed
her, she pulled her hair outof her head. Well, bring into
the body, Lieutenant. I wouldit looked for me to walk into your
house with a ball headed girl.I know who I'll bring, Gerty,
(19:06):
Gerty, she's us. Well ata party, she's us. Scream Does
she played Pianna? No? Doesshe sing? No? What does she
do? She screams? We wereSam shrouble for Sam Shouble is a great
detective. I gotta see Sam Shouble. Calm Down's the matter? There's something
(19:27):
something on your mind? There mustbe something on his mind. There's nothing
on his head. I'm joking,Sam, shrouble. You've gotta help me.
Please, there's something the matter withmy wife. She's asleep. I
can't wake her up. Sam,I can't wake up my wife. Have
(19:48):
you tried shaken her? Shaken her? I've been doing better than that for
the past two hours. I've beenhitting her on the head with a hammer.
Damn, it's New year'st forget you'rea detective. Let's go to my
house for a New Year's party.Well, Sam, how are you joined
(20:18):
the party? Fine? Everybody,We're going to play a game. Now.
Everybody's got to get up and dosomething to entertain heyam struggle, get
up first, friend, countryman,and other stuff that goes with it.
(20:42):
I'll do the best I can toentertain you. But remember, I'm just
a private detective. I'm not anentertainer. You can say that again.
Who's that Lieutenant President of ABC?I had to invite him. As I
said before, friends, I'll domy best to entertain you. How would
you like to see some of myfamous magic tricks? Okay, okay,
(21:07):
now, Lieutenant of ME, Iborrow your handkerchief, thank you. Now,
mister President of ABC, may Iborrow your watch? Okay, here,
but be careful with it. Mywife gave it to me for Christmas.
Good. Now watch me carefully.First, I wrapped the watch in
the handkerchief. I tie four nutsin the handkerchief. Now I place it
on the floor and jump up anddown on it like this. Hey,
(21:33):
what kind of a trick is that? You busted my watch to pieces?
Yes, but I want you tonotice there's not one wrinkle in the handkerchief.
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