Breaking Generational Barriers: Navigating Mental Health & Relationships

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:13):
Welcome to a podcast like no other.
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This is Ask Naomi, Bridget theGap Podcast.
Join your host, the dynamicNaomi Bank, as she delves into
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(00:40):
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(01:03):
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SPEAKER_04 (01:23):
All right.
My beautiful people, well,welcome to XM Bridging the Gap
Podcast Live where we talk aboutlove, sex, relationship,
cultural differences, and somuch more by bridging the gap
between them all and teachingthe world on love language, sex
language attitude, and a littlebit of spiritual uplifting,
lifting, lifting, lifting.
Well, I am your host, NaomiBanks, and tonight marks our

(01:44):
final theme episode for our loveand mental health series for our
mental health awareness month.
You know, every Thursday thisMay, we have been peeling back
the layers on love, emotionalwellness, and healing.
And tonight we go deeper thanever.
Tonight's theme, BreakingGenerational Barriers.
This is where we are diving intohow inherited trauma, silence,

(02:09):
stigma, and survival patternsthat they affect the way that we
love and we live today.
Well, if you're just new here tothis series, I want to tell you
how this whole series turnedabout.
It began with a letter from alistener a few months ago that
kind of shipped to my core.
He's a 42-year-old disabledveteran.

(02:30):
And he had wrote about justhaving problems.
He has PDSD.
He was diagnosed with PDSD andjust having problems while
holding on to the relationships.
Once he tells the relationshipsthat he was in that he had that.

(02:56):
This is the letter that trulybecame the heartbeat of this
series.
And I remember giving Dr.
Will a call and said, this issomething that we need to do.
We need to do a show on it.
And I remember just moving fastforward.
I was like, okay, Dr.
Will, we're going to do it forum a week.
Then I came back and I said, No,we got to do it for a full
month.
I said, we're going to do itearlier this year.

(03:17):
I said, we're going to do it inMay.
We're going to do it in May.
He said, I got you.
I got you.
And so I went to a couple of myfriends that are publicists.
And I said, look, this is a showthat I want to do.
I want to do a great show forthe whole month.
And I really want to tap intorelationship, love, family.
It all has to deal with mentalhealth because I believe this is

(03:37):
a conversation that is nottalked about, that is not talked
about at all.
And I think it's so much stigmathat comes with mental health
that people want to, you know,kind of sweep it under the rug.
And so one thing that I want todo, and I don't know if any of
our past guests are listeningright now, I want to thank them
that have come on and has sharedtheir wisdom with us as well as

(03:58):
their knowledge and aprofessional.
But also, you know, we arebringing some more amazing
guests on today.
But just last week, remember Ishared with you all about the
Nebraska family, the Bailey Cockfamily.
They had publicly, she waspublicly sharing her husband's
journey, Jeremy, that he hadsevere, um severe mental health

(04:21):
struggles, right?
And she had created a GoFundMeto help with his TMS therapy
after four uh attempts tounalive himself.
Well, once he got out of the umprogram this one particular day,
um he had got home.
It was a few hours before, a fewhours before his oldest son was

(04:42):
to graduate out of high school,and he had unalived himself as
well as his family.
And so when right now we aredoing a fundraiser, we are
teamed up with Mental HealthAmerica, and um we are asking
for help.
We are asking for the donationto help families like that so we
can help them to get intoprograms like TMS, uh TMS

(05:03):
therapy and other things likethat that don't have the funding
for it.
And if you guys have beenwatching, you know, I'm not a
political person at all, but youguys just watch what just
happened.
Um, there's a bill that was justpassed and that it possibly can
um interrupt some Medicaid.
Am I right?
Yeah and that sources so youknow um foundations and things

(05:23):
like this are why we need todonate, why we truly, whether
it's$5,$10, or whatever we needto do.
And this is just to help toraise awareness for the mental
health awareness, all right?
So before we bring our guests tothe stage, we're going to take a

(05:44):
quick break, all right?
It's your girl, the goddess NamiBrings here on Axe Naomi
Virginia Gat Podcast, and we'llbe right back.

SPEAKER_01 (05:52):
Washington Wells Institute focuses on healing
always.
For me, if I look good, then Ifeel good.
If I feel good, then I share thegood.
If I share the good, then Icelebrate the good.
If I celebrate the good, then Ilive the good.
So I can be paid to be mygreatest.
But I have to learn the good tobe the good.

(06:13):
So, what does it take to be thegreatest?
It's as simple as a free15-minute consultation.
Be kind to yourself and feel allright.

SPEAKER_04 (06:27):
What are some common barriers that prevent people
from expressing?
Hey, it's your goodie guide,it's Nami Banks here from the
Season to Self Love Podcast.

SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Yeah, I would say remorse.
So shame and guilt is a verydivided emotional.

SPEAKER_04 (06:43):
And these are one of the many amazing conversations
that we have every day, Mondaythrough Friday, right here on
the Season of Self Love Podcastwith myself, Naomi Banks, as
well as our resident therapist,Dr.
Will Washington of WashingtonWellness Institute.

SPEAKER_01 (07:00):
Come by the reality of our relationship with people.

SPEAKER_04 (07:02):
Come by.

SPEAKER_01 (07:03):
A lot of times we're afraid of how people will look
at us.
And so that compassion can'tenter us.

SPEAKER_04 (07:08):
You can hit us on the well.com.
Is it the all right, mybeautiful people?
Well, welcome back to Axe NaomiBridging the Gap Podcast.
I am your host, Naomi Banks.
I'm here with Dog From MikeMike.
What's going on?

SPEAKER_02 (07:24):
What's happening?
What's happening?

SPEAKER_04 (07:26):
All right, are you ready for this conversation?

SPEAKER_02 (07:28):
Yes, we're gonna hit a wonderful month with all the
guests and all the informationthat was shared and and and
everything we have learned.
So this this show this weekshould be just like the rest.
I'm ready, ready to get startedwith it.

SPEAKER_04 (07:38):
Right.
And before the break, I hadmentioned about um, you know,
making a donation, make adonation to axnyomi.com.
100% of our proceeds go to theum mental health American
wellness.

SPEAKER_05 (07:51):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (07:52):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Goes to that.
Yes, go to a hundred percent.
So I know you guys see mewearing these t-shirts right
here.
This is a part of our mind andheart um program that we
actually were going throughTeespring.
Um, and I got a couple ofemails, and I just want to be
very honest with you all.
We got a couple of uh emailsfrom people who had actually

(08:13):
purchased their t-shirts buthave not received their t-shirts
as of yet.
As I was doing deep dive umresearch yesterday, I found out
that there was a big hole formonths that's on t-shirts.
So right now, we're gonna put ahold on those t-shirts.
So I'm I'm actually trying toget in touch with my um with my

(08:34):
webmaster now.
She's over there in actually,she's over there in England.
So I'm ready for her to respondto me back so she can take that
information down.
Um, and we can just go fromthere.
So I'm working on where we canhave them here and we can be
able to do them ourselves, likeI did right here.
Um, and then all those proceedswe will take and just donated
directly to them as well.
But if you have gone to our umall Naomi thing, stop.

(08:58):
Don't do it anymore.
Just stop right now becauseright now there is supposed to
be a hold on there for months,and that's just not right.
That's just not right.
I can't, you know, do it likethat.
All right, so we are back.
We have some amazing gueststoday, and I am so excited for
this first one.
For this first one's just comingup.
An amazing woman that she don'tknow, but I've been following

(09:21):
her for quite some time now, andI'm just honored that she is
here.
But let me tell you, listeners,my BTG crew, is that this is
definitely special.
You know why?
Because she is coming fresh offof major surgery, and she is in
London, and it is 2 a.m.
in the morning.
Um, she thought thisconversation was that important,

(09:44):
that that important to share herinsights and her knowledge here
from her recovery bed.
We have the amazing, beautifulDr.
Lori Beth Bisbee.
She is a psychologist, a trauma,an intimacy educator, author, a
relationship diversity advocate,and her work has helped people
reclaim their identities anddesire after trauma.

(10:06):
Well, hello, Dr.
Bisbee.

SPEAKER_03 (10:09):
Hey, how are you?
I'm alright.
I'm alright.
Um I'm getting used to doingstuff from the bed.
Not really my best look.

SPEAKER_04 (10:19):
Well, truly, we are honored to have you here with
me, and I feel special.
I'm not gonna lie.

SPEAKER_03 (10:25):
I'm happy to be here.
Um, I'm in Scotland now, by theway.
I'm not in London anymore.
Yeah, I'm in Scotland up here inEdinburgh.
Well, I really feel special now.

SPEAKER_04 (10:38):
And you all know, you all know my other man, uh,
Dr.
Will Watson, our residenttherapist.
He's a licensed counselor, aclinical hypotherapist, a
psychedelic, a sister therapyleader, an advocate of trauma
recovery and emotionalterrorists.
What is going on, Dr.
Will?
Hey, hey.

SPEAKER_01 (10:54):
Good to see you.
Go see you, Dr.
Bisby.

SPEAKER_04 (10:56):
Good to see you.
All right, I see we twin.
Hey, twin.

SPEAKER_01 (11:00):
Right, I told you I found my shirt.
I'm gonna get the shirt.
I'm gonna get this shirt.
Not taking this away from me.

SPEAKER_04 (11:08):
All right, my beautiful people.
And I see my BTG crew, and Iwant to thank you all for just
continue to support us here now.
But don't forget to go hit thatbutton on donate at axnaomi.com.
Like I told you, if it's$2,$5,$10,$25, whatever it is, let's
do, let's help, let's push that,okay?
All right.

(11:29):
So I got a question for mylisteners here.
All right, let's talk about howfamily legacy shapes our
emotional life.
My first question to ourlisteners is Did your family
openly talk about mental healthwhen you were growing up?
Yes, somewhat, no, or only aftercrisis.

(11:50):
That is our question.
All right, so Dr.
Um Dr.
Biz, how is generationalsilence, how does that affect
mental wellness?

SPEAKER_03 (12:03):
It it really deeply affects mental wellness because
we learn from the environmentthat we're in.
And if people aren't speakingopen and on openly and honestly,
the children just absorb andthey don't know how to process
what they're absorbing,especially when you look at
relationship patterns.
I mean, you just watch peoplerepeat the same patterns of the

(12:26):
generations before, even whenthey are determined not to do
so.
Talking about it makes it mucheasier to make choices and to do
things differently.
So it's a really big impact.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (12:41):
Why do you feel, and this is a question for both of
you, why do you feel that theydon't talk about it?

SPEAKER_03 (12:46):
Is it because they don't know how to?
I mean, yeah, I think that's onething.
Uh and I think depending on yourcultural background, there are
there's lots of taboos.
So I've been living in the inthe UK for 34 years now.
Um, and um people here don'ttalk about feelings as a rule.

(13:09):
I mean, it's changing, but as arule, you keep those things to
yourself and you keep quiet.
Um, and so you see, I've seen alot of people with generational
trauma pass down from World WarII parents who had fought with
parents who had lived throughthe blitz, grandparents who had
lived through the blitz, and thegrandparents who had fought, and

(13:30):
nobody talked about the mentalhealth issues that came up as a
result of living through all ofthat.

SPEAKER_04 (13:40):
Dr.
Wood, did you want to add on tothat?

SPEAKER_01 (13:42):
Yeah, I would say I I focus on legacy burdens.
Um, we talk about that a lot inIFS, but um, you know, you think
about the rules that you havelearned that were never yours,
never passed down to you.
And so there's so much um umrules that you have to break in
order to find yourself again.

(14:03):
And we even talk about theepigenetic approach as well
about there are just some traitsthat we have learned that were a
part of our survival, right?
And it wasn't seen as a negativething, it was just seen as a
part of this is how we have tolive.
This isn't you know, we don'thave time for that.

SPEAKER_03 (14:18):
And particularly now, with everything going on in
the world, so I'm seeing aresurgence of that.
Um, I'm feeling it.
Other people that I know,anybody who's who's part of um a
marginalized group at themoment, yeah, is feeling that.
And so all of that kind ofsurvival stuff comes out to the

(14:40):
fore.

SPEAKER_01 (14:41):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (14:42):
And if we're not careful, that takes over in a
way that doesn't actually helpus.

SPEAKER_01 (14:49):
Yeah, and and and I honestly to go further with
that, you know, there used to belike racial collective trauma,
like there's a collective blacktrauma, collective white trauma,
collective iris trauma, there'scollective, but now this is a
collective world trauma thatthere is no more, there's no
more, there's a black way,there's a white way, there's
like like this is actually we'reall experiencing this collective

(15:11):
trauma generationally as apeople, and it's crossing over
all our generations, generationX, the millennials, the baby
boomers, and and we're all beingaffected by it all right now,
and so this is a new experiencethat all of us are going
through.

SPEAKER_04 (15:26):
Yeah, let me ask you all this.
Um, I had a conversation um witha guest from my other um
podcast, and we were talkingabout how COVID, how COVID was
more of kind of triggered a lotof, I mean, everything was going
on with mental health, but it'skind of triggered to where it
became so broad and so universalbecause the whole world was

(15:48):
locked down for almost over ayear, something that we thought
would never happen.
Do you think that um couldpossibly be the why everything
is so full and so intertwinednow versus where you said Dr.
Will, everything was moreseparate?

SPEAKER_03 (16:07):
I think that's part of it, but I actually think
social media is is really thereason that everything and and
and I hate to say this, so I'molder, so people like, well,
you're older, you know.
Social media has done more illsthan good, in my view.
Um and I think that part ofwhat's going on now is is down

(16:28):
to the fact that people live inecho chambers.
Um, that they get they don'tknow how to think critically and
check sources, so they get news,and even mainstream news is not
dependable anymore either.
So they're getting theirinformation in all these odd
places, and then you add thegenerational trauma in, which is
where we started this, the stuffthat's been passed down from our

(16:49):
families.
You know, generational traumaincludes its own set of biases
and all of that, so you get allof that coming down.
Um, and I think that's whythings have spread so much.
Uh I don't think COVID helped.
I mean, I think being lockeddown for many people was
unhelpful, but there actually alot of people who have mental
health issues found COVID andbeing locked down to be a

(17:11):
relief.
Right?
People with serious anxiety werelike, oh my god, I don't have to
people, thank you so much.
And re-entry's been hard forthem.

SPEAKER_01 (17:23):
I I agree.
And honestly, my whole researchwas based upon pen the
physicians during the pandemic.
So my dissertation was on moraldistress during the pandemic on
physicians, and it and that'show I found out the cycle that
we were all experiencing, but itwasn't just physicians, we were
culturally, socially, and andunfortunately, I I agree with

(17:44):
you.
I believe that social mediacreated this type of like not
like not even a container, itwas a it was like a cage, right?
Where we were window shoppingtrauma and not even realizing
what was happening, you know,and and this and I think now
that this is open, we'rerealizing like well, what do we
do now with it?
People still think we're we'redone from COVID.

(18:06):
We're we're we're actually nowexiting, right?
We're exiting the pandemic rightnow.
I'm not even talking aboutresolving.
Yeah, we're still we're stillliving hours and times and
expectations that were still apart of the pandemic.
And so we don't have we don'tknow what to do with it.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (18:23):
I mean, it's it's interesting for me.
I've got autoimmune disease, soI was I was one of those people
who was very locked down umduring um the initial you know
the first year.
Um and when I started venturingout, I still mask in public
always.
Um and I get every booster thatI can get because and I've had
COVID twice.

(18:45):
Right.
And I got because I well,because I go out and speak in
large groups of people, that'sthe only time I do all of my um
client work via video, and thetimes that I'm with people aside
from some social stuff, which isvastly reduced since this the
pandemic, is when I'm when I'mgiving speeches and talks.

(19:06):
Um and um I got really, reallyill.
So I I'm really careful to tryto minimize that.
And people are stilltraumatized, they don't know how
to go out and socialize, theydon't know how to move amongst
groups of people anymore.
It's it's it's actually it'sactually pretty intense.

(19:26):
And I don't know that anybody, Imean, I'm I'm really that uh
your research sounds reallycool.
I want to read that by the way.

SPEAKER_01 (19:32):
Please I got you, I'll send it to you.
I got you.

SPEAKER_03 (19:35):
Yeah, please.
Um, but I I don't think thatpeople are talking about this
enough.

SPEAKER_01 (19:38):
Yeah.
No, they're not at all.

SPEAKER_03 (19:41):
They're not talking about the skills that people
need in order to adjust to a newworld.

SPEAKER_01 (19:46):
The amount of skills that have declined and
deteriorated, right?
Like, like, like there are thereare no more assistants, there
are no more workers and laborersin office fields.
It's to get is to get somebodyto do secretarial work is not
it's it's a it's a it's a skillthat's not there.
Even service industry, that is adying skill.

(20:07):
It was it was always assumedbecause we're so socialized.
Right now, this is an actualskill that people are not
actually creating anymore.
It's it's so it's wild.

SPEAKER_04 (20:16):
Wow, wow.
Mike, did you have something tosay?

SPEAKER_02 (20:19):
You know, um, you guys kind of answered.
I mean, I hear the question.
It was about the social mediaside of it too.
But don't you guys think thatwith social media as well, that
it gives everybody outlet to saysomething, it gets everybody
outlet to put their comment onany issue, and some people look
at some of these social mediapeople who got a lot, they look
at them as experts, you know,and they just can say anything

(20:42):
that they want to do.
I think that adds more morestress to to the whole situation
with people.

SPEAKER_03 (20:49):
I would I so agree.
I I cannot tell you howfrustrating it is for somebody.
I've been, you know, I've beendoing what I do for 38 years.
I cannot tell you howfrustrating it is for me to see
somebody who's got no trainingand no experience spouting off
to their five million followersstuff that I know is not only
utter rubbish, but is dangerousrubbish.

SPEAKER_01 (21:12):
Completely.
It's it's so it's sofrustrating.
It's so frustrating.

SPEAKER_03 (21:16):
But there's no way to interact with that.
You know, you just keep speakingthe truth and you keep speaking
the truth, and you hope thatpeople hear you.
Um so I mean, on the one hand, Ithink it it's a relief for
people to feel like they'reheard so that anybody can say
what they want to say.
But on the other hand, you get alot, a lot of misinformation.

(21:36):
And people, you know, people areare keyboard warriors.
They forget that there'shumanity of the people that
they're whose posts they'recommenting on.
Yeah.
And the horrible things thatpeople say, I mean, it just it's
wild that people feelemboldened.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (21:57):
That's the wild part.

SPEAKER_03 (21:59):
Yeah.
TikTok is notorious.
You know, you you you you reportI report, you know, I report for
violations.
I stopped doing it because theynever find a violation.
People can say the mosthorrible, hateful, disgusting
things, and it comes back, oh noviolation.
It's just like Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (22:19):
Hmm.
And can I just say that it's notonly is it hard to to see that,
but now we're getting into anera where the algorithm is more
important than anything.
So there's this algorithm, thiscloud of resource that tells you
what you're going to see, howyou're gonna see, how well
you're gonna be able to be seen.
I have no control over thealgorithm other than pouring

(22:41):
into it, no different than anytype of capitalistic society,
right?
Right.
And I'm hoping that's gonna giveme something back.
And so now I'm putting all myinvestment, time, my energy, my
mental health into thisalgorithm that's gonna determine
if I'm going to be financiallysustainable or seen or heard.
And I have to live by analgorithm made by whom?
By what?

(23:02):
What's and so the and so therelationship is mute, right?
That there's there's no there'sno real functional relationship
in this.
But my life is dependent upon analgorithm now.

SPEAKER_03 (23:13):
That and also then then and the communities that
are created can be beneficial.
I mean, one of the things that'snice is to be it for people to
be able to see, particularlypeople suffering with
particularly with with morefringe mental health issues, or
or more fringe sexualities, ormore fringe desires.

(23:36):
To see that they're not alone,that there are other people like
them is a positive, but it canalso be a big negative.

SPEAKER_05 (23:42):
Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (23:43):
And it's just so hard, it's so hard to see that
and to know that when youcombine that with the algorithm,
then it's even less control.

SPEAKER_04 (23:51):
Yeah, I agree.
Yeah, you know that that'ssomething very hard, you know,
because I'm I'm I'm gonna do iton two sides.
On one side, you see, especiallywhen you're talking about mental
health and and sexual abuse andstuff like this, you do see a
lot more people that's able tospeak on social media about it
because they're speaking to umpeople that don't know them.

(24:13):
You you understand what I'msaying?
And as with the algorithm, itgoes out to people that don't
know them or whatever, and kindof um come together and kind of
give them that um support thatthey might need that they can't
be able to speak to their familymembers about it, you know, or
better yet, some people wouldsay would shame their family
members of coming in and doingsomething or taking

(24:35):
accountability for what hashappened within their family,
what caused the mental distressor the sexual abuse or anything
like that.
And so I hear you when you say,um, Dr.
Bisbee, about it could be a plusand you know, a minus of it,
because that's how that's howthe world is.
But one thing is that I do lovewith social media because it

(24:57):
does give the voiceless a voiceto be able to speak, you know.
Um, I just wish that people weremore responsible when doing it
when they have those platformsof five million people that they
really do get do their research,or better yet, go get people
like you two to come on in andspeak and talk, you know,

(25:17):
because you guys know languagethat I do not know, and I ain't
even gonna try.

SPEAKER_01 (25:22):
You know what I'm saying?
And but but the the frustratingpart about it is that mental
health specifically is becomingso socialized that they're
abusing clinical terminology.
I use the word anxiety to Dr.
Laurie because when I say, Oh,they might be suffering from
anxiety, what I'm really sayingis they're experiencing
behaviors and traits ofnervousness, worry, exact

(25:44):
thoughts, concerns, uncertainty,self-esteem, self-a list of all
these things, but it's justhelping us to just move forward
with the language so we canunderstand the gravity of the
actual psychosis or the or thepathology that might be
occurring.
But now people are like, Oh,yeah, I got so much anxiety day.
It's like you don't haveanxiety, you didn't prepare for
your day, you're lazy, and youneed to wake up earlier on time,

(26:06):
right?
No, you're not you don't haveanxiety.
Oh, um, oh, I have impostersyndrome.
No, you're suffering from whitewhite white oppression, and you
feel like you have to you livein a capitalistic society and
you're outperforming yourability and you're not
organized.
You needed more organizationalskills.
Get a life coach, don't get atherapist, and so and people are
not like clients are being moreenabled to being more bullies

(26:27):
towards therapists now.
It's it's wild.

SPEAKER_03 (26:29):
There's it is, but also, and also we've got the
problem with identity politicsnow as well.
So now things that you don'twant a mental health label as
your identity.
I mean, for a million years I'vesaid to people ADHD's my
superpower, right?
You know, I mean, I'm like for amillion years I've said to

(26:49):
people, excuse me, you are notdepressed, you have depression.
You want to say you aredepressed because then you're
being that right?
You don't want it to be part ofyou because when it's part of
you, it's very hard to change.
People don't shift things thatthey see as part of themselves.
Now I've got people walkingaround with 35 different labels.

(27:11):
Um I'm neurodivergent, you know,flying a flag, and I'm like,
this isn't a badge of honor.
This is something that gives youissues in society.

SPEAKER_05 (27:22):
Right.

SPEAKER_03 (27:22):
You can you can actually pick up some skills so
that you can lessen the impactof that, and you can have the
special perspective it givesyou, which is the positive part.
But when you make it an identityand and then you demand that the
world changes to suit you,that's a that's a failure game.
You're going to fail with that.

SPEAKER_01 (27:40):
It's such a failure game.
And and and I thinkunfortunately, if they don't use
that with the medical model,right?
Like you'll see me walkingaround being like, Oh, I feel so
osteoporosis today.
Oh, I'm feeling stage fourcancer today.
Oh my goodness.
Like we would that no one saysthat out loud, nobody speaks
that way.
No one speaks these things.
So why would you do that withmental health symptoms and

(28:01):
expressions and diagnosis,right?
It and it and it's just we'rewe're abusing these terms beyond
our own knowing, and we'rebecoming these things that are
not real.
And that's so hard.

SPEAKER_03 (28:12):
I love listening to people, and this is tongue in
cheek.
I do not, this is sarcasm.
Watching the millionrelationship.
Um now there are some reallygood coaches out there, but I'm
gonna put coaches in in airquote quotes, or how about
relationship influencers asopposed to coaches, right?
Okay, I can go with that one.

(28:34):
The million relationshipinfluencers who are talking
about narcissistic people, andthey're a narcissist, and that
one's a narcissist, and thisone's a narcissist.
I'm like, you don't even knowwhat the term because they're
talking about it not in thevernacular, like you can say,
hey, I'm being a I I know I'mbeing selfish, I'm being a bit

(28:55):
narcissistic.
That's an appropriate use,right?
But they're doing it like in adiagnostic way.
You oh, he was a narcissisticpartner and whatever.
They don't even know what itmeans, they don't know what it
looks like, they don't know whatactual narcissistic personality
looks like.
It's like, no, that's nothelpful.
It's not helpful to have ahundred million people in your

(29:16):
following calling their parentsnarcissistic and saying they're
survivors of narcissistic abuse.

SPEAKER_01 (29:22):
And what does that make you?
I always when people say they'rea narcissist, my like my
boyfriend was a narcissist.
I go, well, then what were you?
And they don't know, and theydon't know because they've never
understood, like for you toallow yourself to be a victim of
a narcissist, you also are apart of that codependent cycle.
So what if you what what areyour behaviors and traits?

(29:45):
What were you conforming to atthe same time?
We don't want to talk aboutemotional accountability, right?

SPEAKER_03 (29:52):
Right.
I'm not sure I'm often not surethat people have those skills,
which takes you back to theoriginal topic.
And I think that's one of thereal the real problems is that
we don't teach, we don't teachkids how what their emotions
are.
We don't give them feelingwords, like real feeling words.
Yeah, we don't teach them how toto to manage their emotions, we

(30:16):
don't teach them self-soothingskills a lot of the time in any
kind of a formal way.
So it's luck of the draw.
It depends on your family.

unknown (30:25):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (30:26):
And there's loads of disordered families out there,
and so the the negative copingskills get passed down
generation to generation togeneration.
Um, which is it actuallywouldn't be that difficult to
change that.
That's one of the reasons why itfrustrates me.
I stand on a soapbox on this allthe time, you know.

(30:47):
I wrote um a book, a self-helpbook for people who are
survivors of gaslighting and andtrauma, which is essential life
skills, right?
And it's just a little shortbook, just trying to teach
things like reality testing andself-soothing and you know, just
basic skills that you need ifyou're going to manage your own

(31:10):
emotions.

SPEAKER_05 (31:11):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (31:12):
Yeah.
And people who have beentraumatized over generations
either shut down emotionally andthey they don't express, or they
look to the rest of the world tomanage their emotions.

SPEAKER_04 (31:26):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (31:26):
They express without like they don't think they have
the control to be able to calmthemselves or to be able to
manage things or to be able tochange those.
Well, I feel this way, ithappened to me, and so that's
what it is.
It can't change.

SPEAKER_05 (31:43):
It can't change.

SPEAKER_03 (31:44):
Well, that happens, so that can't change, which is
actually a true statement,right?
You can't change the past, butyou can actually process it so
that it's not in the presentanymore.
You don't have to carry it intothe present with you and on into
the future.
But it's these kinds of things,it's similar to the identity
stuff.
It's these things that shut downthe ability to work through

(32:07):
things and then isolate peoplein these really horrible,
unpleasant mental states.

SPEAKER_04 (32:16):
I see dog pal Mike might be on the boards doing his
hand and the way you havesomething to say?

SPEAKER_02 (32:21):
You know, something I want to ask all three, all
three of you a question becauseall three have much more
experience than me.
I'm a little older and I comefrom back in the day where you
were just crazy.
Now, mental health is a is anissue because a lot of
celebrities came out, you know.
I know tenants say they'rehaving mental health issues.
And what do you feel likethrough social media and through

(32:44):
society?
They don't almost like they madeit popular.
I mean, the number one song outhere is anxiety.
And it's now it's like it'spopular now.
So you think a lot of people arejust taking, you know, I got
anxiety, I got this, I got that,and look at it as like like
they're giving themselves aself-a self-diagnosis, like it's
like what Dr.

SPEAKER_04 (33:04):
Um Brisby said.
She was like, like they was likeit's a flag of honor to have,
you know, those certain things.
If you really knew what anxietyis, you wouldn't say that.
Like when you literally are yourbody shut down and you can hear
everything around you, andeverything is dark, and you feel
like you're having a heartattack, these are the signs of

(33:24):
anxiety, you know, when you hadto pull over on the side of the
road because everything has shutdown, you know?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (33:32):
I mean, I do think that um that the tendency, you
know, Google has a lot to answerfor.
I mean, I think on the on theone hand, it's wonderful, and
particularly um if you've gotany kind of a chronic illness,
and particularly if you're in afemale body, um, and you're
you're having to deal withmedical professionals, if Google

(33:53):
didn't exist, if you couldn't govia Google and go to things like
PubMed and read actual research,you'd never get anything done
and you wouldn't get anytreatment, right?
I'm just saying.
Um, so there's great thingsabout being able to look things
up and and being able to getinformation, but the amount of
self-diagnosis that goes on bypeople who refuse to see a

(34:16):
therapist and people who refuseto see a coach.
And that's where the problem is.
You know, they do theself-diagnosis and they say, I
mean, I I I see this a lot herewith waiting lists because we
have socialized medicine here,but waiting lists are
ridiculous.
So you get people who are doingum, let's say ADHD, because it's

(34:36):
a common one, they die they theydiagnose themselves with ADHD.
Um and then they don't want togo to the doctor.
Like they're like, I don't needto go to the doctor, I know what
I have, and I can get the drugsin another way, and they
self-medicate as well.
Um so I I do think that um thatit's be become because it's

(35:01):
become more visible, people domore self-diagnosis.
But there, I mean, I I know whatyou mean by saying in the old
days people were just crazybecause I'm older as well.
Um but there were always peopleand there were always diagnoses
that you know it just wasn't asknown or talked about.

unknown (35:19):
Right.

SPEAKER_03 (35:23):
Because you didn't have access to the information
so much, you didn't have theopportunity to self-diagnose.

SPEAKER_04 (35:29):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, so let's get deepdown into this um interview now.
You know, um, we're gonnaexplore the intersection of
inherited beliefs, trauma, andrelationship dynamics.
So I do have a question.
How do unspoken family traumasshape love and vulnerability?

SPEAKER_03 (35:51):
I'm gonna say it depends on the trauma.
Um, I mean, I think they alwayswill shape the way that we
relate.
But particularly when they'refamily traumas that do have to
do with sex and relationships,then they really intensely can
shape um the ability to trustand to be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_04 (36:19):
Dr.
Will.

SPEAKER_01 (36:24):
Just do a like a brief exercise, right?
So like close your eyes and Iwant you to think about this
word I'm about to say.
Family.
Who shows up?
Are they good, are they bad?
Are they yours?

(36:44):
Are they blood?
That moment alone is what'shappening in our society today.
We understood who our familywere back in the day.
We understood family was verysimple.
We are so fragmented in so manyways now.
So when you said that, you know,it depends on the trauma, yeah.

(37:08):
And and and I say family healthis one of the eight healing
modalities that I create in myhealing modality.
It's not just about who yourfamily is, about how your family
got to this point.

SPEAKER_05 (37:17):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (37:17):
If you don't understand this narrative of the
how your family got to thispoint, you are just along the
river of that, right?
Yeah, it's no longer abloodstream, it's a river now.

SPEAKER_03 (37:29):
I I mean, I I always say to people, you you can't
break patterns until you canreally see what the pattern is.
And it's often not the obviousthing.
Yeah, it's not the little packedstory that you were given that
was three sentences, right?
You know, or that this, youknow, oh, they've been telling
this story in the family foryears and years and years.

(37:49):
There's usually a whole bunch ofstuff that you know you don't
know and you're not being told.
And so you think the pattern isone thing, and it's not, and you
will just keep repeating ituntil you understand exactly
what got you there, and you canunpack that.
But also, and it it's I thinkwhat also what you were saying,

(38:09):
correct me if I'm wrong, familysupport, however you define
family, is also really importantin healing.
Yeah, and we're fragmented now,so we don't people don't have
the support networks that theyparticularly men don't have the
support networks that they usedto have.

SPEAKER_01 (38:27):
Yeah, yeah.
It's Facebook now, right?
People have Facebook for family,right?
And sometimes communities,right?
You you if you want to know whatyour uncles and all them are
doing, they they go on Facebookto check on your life.
You don't you don't call themanymore on Sundays.
Yeah, you just make sure, okay,oh, they graduated.
Okay, we like that.

(38:48):
Okay.
Oh, someone posted someone inthe casket.
Oh man, they oh that was a wildthing.
I used to tell people, pleasestop posting dead people in on
Facebook.
Please stop.
That's a lot.
Yeah, we gotta stop doing that.
Like, I don't want to know mycousin, like you need to call me
for that.
And so there's so and so there'sno there's not even an etiquette

(39:09):
anymore.
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah.
That's there's no moreetiquette, there's no online
etiquette for even family andrelations.
So that's why that's a that's ahard question because family's
so fragmented now.

SPEAKER_04 (39:20):
Yeah.
Okay, so this will go to my nextquestion, and you kind of said a
little bit on Dr.
Um Bisby about how can breakingsilence transform future
generations, breaking thesilence.
How can we do that?
And I know you said sometimespeople don't even know the full
story of it.
How can we break that?

SPEAKER_03 (39:40):
We need to learn to communicate.
We need to learn to talk openlyand honestly.
And the only way you can do thatis if you look at you first.
Part of the reason that peopleare silent is that they don't
even know themselves, they don'thave the words, they don't have
the language.
I can't tell you the number ofpeople, grown people in therapy

(40:02):
that I've ended up having toteach feeling words to.
I remember one client who juststays with me and will stay with
me till the day I leave thisearth, who looked at me and
said, I said, you know, whoa,and I notice you don't use any
words for feelings.
What what kind of feelings doyou think you experience?

(40:24):
And she said, Anger, laughter.
That's all she had in her in herwords.
It was either funny or it wassomething that enraged her.
That's all she had.

(40:45):
You know, and there was afeeling wheel that we used to do
with kids because I did someteaching for a while.
We used to do with kids with alldifferent grades of feelings,
all the different types offeelings.
Oh, the colors, and you wouldteach kids about what this might
be, what does this feel like toyou?
And you would give them loads ofexamples to try to get them
emotionally literate.
And I'm doing this with adultssometimes because the language

(41:07):
isn't there.
So it's first, I think first youneed to know what you're
feeling, and you need to makeconnections in order to break a
silence, in order to have aconversation, and then people
need to be willing to bevulnerable.

SPEAKER_04 (41:22):
Yeah.
You know, I'm glad that you saythat.
That's why that's a one of thereasons why I talk about
self-love so much.
Because I don't think peoplereally understand the true
meaning of what self-love is.
It's an intimate relationshipwith yourself, it's knowing who
you are, not what people say whoyou are, but really going deep

(41:43):
down and knowing who you are,what are your values?
What is that mark on your arm?
You know, how did you get that?
The scars that you have, how areyou using those experiences as
tools for your life right now inthis moment and further on?
Um, that's something that I knowI talk deeply about.
And Dr.
Wheel jumps right on with meover there on our podcast, The

(42:03):
Season of Self-Love, because Ithink once we start to make it
known like self-love is a partof our foundation.
That is where the core ofeverything happens.
So we got to give them, like yousaid, the emotional words, the
emotional intelligence ofteaching them.
We I do this every day, Mondaythrough Friday, to we take

(42:24):
different series and break themdown like we're pilling an
onion.
And we sometimes we repeat anddo things over and over and over
again because we're teaching onwe're teaching them to unlearn
the emotions that you've beentaught or the things that you've
been taught.
So you can deep down and findout what's really you.
Who are you?

(42:44):
Who am I?
What's the definition of Naomi?
What's the definition of Dr.
Will Washington?
What's the definition of LoriBiz?
You know, what is yourdefinition?
What are your values?
What are your adjectives?
What are your emotions?
And so I think a lot of peopledon't see it that way.
I love how you said the womanhas said just anger and
laughter.

(43:05):
That's it.
Only two words.
What else?
What what what is what is holdyour spirit your soul?

SPEAKER_03 (43:11):
Yeah.
I I you know, anger has youknow, I can think of off the top
of my head 15, 20 words fordifferent types of anger that
have different feelings that gowith them.

SPEAKER_05 (43:21):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (43:21):
Um, and you know, in her family, nobody talked
feelings, but when they wereangry, they shouted.
Sometimes they threw things,sometimes people got hit.
And when they were feeling good,they used to laugh.
And that was that was all thatshe had she felt handed down to

(43:42):
her.

SPEAKER_01 (43:44):
I wanna I want to add something though.
I I think when it comes tobreaking the silence there's
three things that should beconsidered.
I've one is um normalizing theconversation.
Two Holding the space forforgiveness.

(44:06):
And then also reconnecting.
Um a lot of times we don'tdefeat the stigma or the or we
don't want to break the silencebecause we're afraid of
dismantling families.
Right?
We're just scared of what'sgoing to happen to our family,
what's going to happen to thepeople, what's going to happen
on Thanksgiving now, or whetherthey're not going to be able to

(44:28):
show anymore, or how to be nottrusted.
You know, and it's a lot of feararound how to live after the
noise comes.
Yeah.
Right.
And there's and who's going toprotect me when the noise comes?
Because they've seen that theirmother or their father has also
lived in the silence and and andand grew up in the silence.
So the usually the parentsaren't even ready for that.

SPEAKER_03 (44:49):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, and that's one of the hardbits.
I think, you know, is is thatyou know it's all well and good
for me to be talking to theperson sitting in front of me,
telling them to talk with theirparent parents, but their
parents may may not be ready totalk.
But I would encourage people,um, and this is from a personal
place.
I lost my mom this year, and Ilost my dad in 2013.

(45:14):
And I had the privilege ofhaving six months before she
died, of knowing that she wasterminal, and we had a very
complicated relationship.
So I purposefully made the timeand effort to get as as much as
she was willing to share and toreally repair things where we

(45:35):
could, but also to hear more ofher story and the things that
she kept shut down and to giveher a safe space to express that
because I knew I only had thattime.
And I think thinking about thosethings, like if it feels too
scary to do it, there areprofessionals that will help

(45:56):
hold the space for you.
They'll hold the space exactly.
They'll just facilitate theconversation.
It's not like long-term therapy.
I'm not saying, oh, you have togo into long-term therapy.
Um I've I'm I do this withcouples a lot more than
families.
You know, a couple of sessionsfor difficult conversations.
And literally, that's all I'mdoing is I'm gonna hold the

(46:17):
space and help make sure thateach of you are able to express
yourself in the space and thenhelp you reconnect.
Yeah.
When the difficult part is done,you don't have to commit to
anything other than that.
And there are lots ofprofessionals who are really
willing and able to do that.
But I think that most of thetime when people think about

(46:38):
therapists and coaches, theythink about longer-term things.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (46:42):
Yeah.
And and I and I want to say thateven break when it comes to
breaking the silence, even myeven my mother, right?
Like I mean her, me and her arelike two pieces in a pie.
We're so close.
And she opened up about all thetrauma that she went through,
right?
During a marriage with my dad,and you know, before he passed
away, and and before that, andhearing her trauma, hearing her

(47:04):
tell her story, it helped meunderstand why she had so much
anxiety and worry.
Right?
It made me end up becoming veryhyper-vigilant.
I didn't know why I was, right?
And so I didn't get my heranxiety, but I got the
hyper-vigilance.

SPEAKER_03 (47:18):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (47:19):
Right.
Right?
And so it's amazing how whatgets passed down to may not be
the same thing, but it'll belike the result of what it of
what it of what that does,right?
And so it it seeing her tell hertruth allowed me to live my own.
Yes.
And and and and then she brokeher silence, which forced me to
have and like we call thatsecondary healing in my healing

(47:40):
modality.
And so it was like her watchingher heal allowed me to see the
capacity and capability of myown.
And so I think that was like atrue unlocking in my life.

SPEAKER_04 (47:49):
Yeah, you you know, I love that.
That's something that I rememberone of my old girlfriends.
I remember having thisconversation with her about her
children and her talking withher children because she asked
me, she said, Did your girlsknow you you did a porn?
I said, Yes, they do.
I have to tell them who I am,because who I am is a part of
them.
You understand what I'm saying?
So I have to tell them what myjourney is so they can

(48:12):
understand some of my ticks.
Because some of my ticks isgonna be some of their ticks
because just from experience andseeing me do.
So I want to make sure they knowwho I am and they know who they
are through my experience, youknow, with that, and why I chose
to do that because I didn't knowmy mom fully.
I didn't know my mom fully untilmy father passed away and she

(48:33):
retired and she moved with me.
Now I'm her caregiver as she'sgoing through dementia.
And but I like Dr.
Will said, now I understand whyall of that what it is.
And not only does it give mecompassion, but also empathy for
her, but then also I see some ofmy shit and her shit, you know.
So I now I understand more ofthe definition of who I am.

(48:57):
So when we talk about you livingin your authentic self and being
that, that is a um a true partof breaking that generational
silence when you can be standingyour truth.
Because one thing is that I I doand I know is that a lot of
times we don't know.
My parents didn't know, myparents' parents didn't know,

(49:18):
then none of them know.
But now that we know better,okay, now we can do better.
Now we can, as you say, holdspace and have it open to where,
okay, my elder, let's talk aboutit.

SPEAKER_03 (49:28):
Why why we like this?
It's so funny because like Ihave a 23-year-old son, and uh,
well, not quite 23 next month.
And um, I remember my mom wasrather upset when she realized
that he knew about um my firsthusband, right?
Like it was a topic we talkedabout, and he knew about the

(49:51):
trauma I went through in school,and he knew and she was like,
you know, you didn't need toteach him that, you didn't need
to give him that.
And I was like, no, he needs tobe, he needs to know who I am.
He this is open, this is an openhouse, so he knows where I came
through.
I think and part of that also isis that how much you're telling,

(50:13):
right?
And that's what people worryabout.
You know, how much do you share?
When you when you open up, howmuch do you share?
I mean, of course there arethings I did not share with him
because they're not for him.
Yeah, but he knows my historyand how I became who I am, yeah
and what I've handed to him.
Yeah.

(50:34):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (50:36):
Yeah.
Um, did you have something tosay, Dr.
Mike Matt?
All right.
So we're gonna go to the nextquestion.
Um, I think we kind of stayed alittle bit on a what do what do
we need to understand aboutemotional safety in self-trust?

SPEAKER_01 (50:56):
That's wild.
That's a wild question.
Because I I think you emotionemotions are meant to be
expressed, not and and safety issomething that is is either a
force contained or it's a orit's a it's it's a it's a
promise or it's a goal or it's aboundary or it's a type of

(51:17):
crafted thing.
So they have this expression ofemotion and it's a emotional
safety.
It's like you know, I I tellpeople all the time, like, I'm
not gonna promise you a safespace.
But I what I can say is I'mgonna be I'm gonna do my best to
be concerned about your wellnessand make sure that you don't
harm yourself or somebody else.

(51:37):
But safety, um it's already hardenough for people to express
emotion itself.
Um and I've been I've workedwith serial murderers and
killers, and I've I've been withsome of the in the truth is that
the safety was never the issue.

SPEAKER_04 (51:57):
Right.

SPEAKER_01 (51:58):
And I think that's the part that that Dr.
Lisby, I know you probably havesomething to say about that, but
I just never seen the twoconnected.
I mean I should unlock that.

SPEAKER_03 (52:09):
I mean, I think I think for me it's more it's make
it not so locked, safety isn'tso locked down.
It's understanding that that I'mgonna give you the space to
express what you need and that Ican manage whatever you whatever
you need to express.
Because I think that's the placewhere a lot of times people
don't feel safe.

(52:30):
They are very much afraid oftheir feelings.
Well, if you're talking aboutself self-expression, then it's
that it's you know, how manytimes do you hear, I'm sure you
hear this, how many times youhear somebody say, Well, if I
talk about it, if I look at it,I'm never gonna come back.
I'm never coming back from thatplace.
And I, and you know, where I'msaying you need to trust that

(52:50):
you will.
I can help lead you through thatplace.
You know, I'll never be thesame.
You're right, you will never bethe same.
That I'm not, I'm not gonnapromise you you'll be the same,
right?
But you will make it out of thatdark place that you're talking
about.
Um, and there's a lot of that, alot of that anxiety that um and
that worry that you know, if Iopen the box, I'm gonna get

(53:14):
stuck, I'm gonna end up in theabyss, and that's it.
So there's that from aself-perspective.
But also when when you'retalking about talking to another
human being, it's really justabout for me creating a space
that allows them the time toexpress and to understand that I

(53:36):
am not um going to um judge themin that in that space.
I'm not gonna judge them.

SPEAKER_01 (53:48):
There's not a cost to your emotional expression
because in in in our societythere is a cost to your
emotional expression.
Right.
If you say how you feel, youknow, like I like we see on
TikTok, they they say someinappropriate words and then
it's inappropriate, and thenthey go on the next video
saying, I want to apologize formy actions.
I was just really just live inthe moment.

(54:08):
And I hope you can like like youout of all the words in the
dictionary, you could havechosen, you chose the most
offensive ones for culture forcertain cultures specifically.
You're mad that you got caught,right?
But in a therapeutic situation,if you're saying these words,
I'm allowed that I'm allowedthings to happen, and then I'm

(54:30):
gonna be like, well, let'sprocess it.
Why did you need that word?
Yes, right?
Why did you need that word?
Tell me why.
I'm curious.

SPEAKER_03 (54:36):
Yeah, I don't I don't absolutely I don't want to
shut them down because if I ifthey're thinking about what they
have to say to me, you know, forme, it's like I want you to say
whatever comes to mind.
Some of the stuff, some of thetrauma work I do, the tech, some
of the techniques I use, I needyou to say whatever comes to
mind.
It's gotta come out.
It's gotta come out and it helpsme know where you are, even if

(54:56):
what you're saying to me is,Jesus, girl, why are you wearing
that shit today?
Or you look awful, or whateverit is.
I don't care because if you'vegot it in your head and you're
not expressing it, right?
You're thinking about that andyou're not doing the work.
So in that space, but I willlater on I might circle around
and say, Yeah, that was a reallyinteresting word choice.

(55:20):
Tell me what you think went intothat.
Where did where did that comefrom?

SPEAKER_01 (55:23):
Where have you I've had them?
I I've had clients where theythey've said the N-word to me.
Oh yeah, and and I was like, andI'm like, I'm like, I'm curious,
why did you of all the words,you know, and me being your
therapist, and you know, and youbeing white, I'm curious why did
you choose that word with me?
You know, and they're like, andthey're like, I just I trusted

(55:43):
you, and I was just it justslipped out.
I don't know why.
I'm like, let's slow down, let'sdo a breathing technique, let's
learn this.
And also let me educate you onwhat this word means because a
lot of times they say thesewords and they don't understand
the gravity of it because theyjust because they've actually
socialized it themselves, butthey don't understand the actual
gravity of what it meant.
And by the end of it, it changedtheir whole entire perspective

(56:06):
of their language of that, andand it made them actually the
the work was never even aboutthe word, it was the fact that
they were afraid of being seenfor their real trauma, and they
used that as a front to see howmuch I could really handle.

SPEAKER_03 (56:19):
Yep.
Am I gonna shock you?
Am I gonna shock you and makeyou and make you come out of
that space where you're holdingfor me?
Exactly.
And and and means you can't hearit.
I have people that try,particularly because I deal with
a lot of sexual violence, is oneof the areas I deal with an
awful lot.
People will say things to to seeif I'm gonna look disgusted, if

(56:42):
it's gonna be too overwhelmingfor me, you know, and you know,
just they test.
Are you are you gonna be okaywith this?

SPEAKER_01 (56:50):
Right.
They have they have to knowbecause how else would you how
else will they know unless youthey have to test you?
Yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_04 (56:58):
Right.
You know, thank you both forthat, for the um going down the
deep question.
But now I want to share with youall.
I have uh a listener that wrotein a letter.
Um, you guys ready for thisletter?
Then I want you guys to commenton the letter once I finish with
it.
All right, she writes, um, dearNaomi, she said I was sexually
abused as a child by a familymember.
He was known for this behavior,and I'm not the only one.

(57:20):
She said, I've lived with thefear of ever have I live for the
fear of ever having childrenbecause what if it happens to
them?
She said, My husband hasn't beenabused, but he has family
members who were.
So for them, so some of them arestill around and active in our
lives.
We both want children, but howdo we protect our future child

(57:43):
from a generational curse weboth carry?

SPEAKER_03 (57:47):
Wow.
Unfortunately, far too common.
Um, and this is where bringingit out in the open has to
happen.
Um you you know, it may it maynot be possible to confront the
the the the abusers.
It may not be possible.
If it's possible, it's a goodthing, but it may not be

(58:10):
possible, or it may not be agood thing.
Sometimes depending on thefamily situation, it actually is
going to cause more harm thangood.
But it needs to be talked aboutin the open and need their they
need to work on their traumaenough in order to know that
they're going to be able tolearn protection skills because
they won't have them inherently.

(58:31):
Yeah, there will be missingprotection skills as a result of
the way they were raised.
So they need to learn protectionskills.
Yeah.
And that might include thingslike this this person is never
allowed alone with my children.
And if the family sayssomething, to be able to say,
no, no, I'm sorry, this is anon-negotiable.

(58:53):
It's a non negotiable.
We all know about this familypattern, so it's a
non-negotiable.
And there can be a lot ofpressure, a ton of pressure,
even when the when even when thewhole family knows.
That's heavy, that's difficult.
Did you want to say something,Dr.

SPEAKER_04 (59:09):
Will?

SPEAKER_01 (59:10):
Yeah, I'll I'll keep it very simple.
Um three two things.
So the first thing is is is isnormalizing the conversation
about why.
Hey, we don't mind them beingaround our family, but we don't
want him to be aroundindividually because this is
what happened.
We're okay, we're fine.
We move right, and then thesecond thing is also checking

(59:31):
yourself as a parent because youmight actually end up giving
what your child, what youbelieve your child needs versus
what the child actually reallywants, right?
So, like a lot of times parentswill overstep how their children
need to be safe so much wherethey actually don't give them
the the actual reality, like thekid doesn't know anything, the
kid is completely innocent, butthen now they just see you being

(59:54):
harsh about every single thing.
You're like, like, what is goingon?
And so sometimes instead ofactually having to be so
helicopter, it's actually justputting them in the environment
that they can thrive in ratherthan the container that you're
trying to protect them from, youknow.
And sometimes we we sometimes asparents will put so much of a
protection that we actuallydisable or enable beh other

(01:00:17):
behaviors and traits that couldhave been actually promising for
the child itself.
Um but once again, normalize it.

SPEAKER_03 (01:00:23):
Yeah, I mean, I think, yeah, you normalize it by
talking in part in part bytalking about it, but also you
know, sometimes you don't bearound certain people, so you
can allow the child to thrive soyou're not having to be
protective over them.
So you know, while this is arisk, we're not gonna be around
you.
And here's why.

SPEAKER_01 (01:00:40):
Because the truth is it's not just about that family
member, that could be anybody.
That could be the babysitter,that could be the teacher, that
could be another student, andit's typically students, your
students or student kids yourage, yep, typically, right?
So, you know, so my thing is islike are you educating about
proper body technique?
Are you are you creating thelanguage?
Because the truth is that it'snot gonna be, I'm I bet you it's

(01:01:01):
not gonna be him again, is orthem again.
It's it's gonna be to be someoneyounger, or to be someone easier
access, or someone in theschool, or you know, it's it's
too common, like you said, it'sjust too common.

SPEAKER_03 (01:01:11):
You know, and and and and you're right, like are
you giving them the languagethey need?
Um, are you giving them the theself-love and respect for their
own bodies so that they learnhow to say no?
Yeah, and they and they feelcomfortable going up to somebody
for help, and they they know howto assess who they can go to for
help, so then you can allow themto be kids.

(01:01:33):
Because a lot of the time, uhunlike when when I was a kid,
where we kind of were left toour own devices a lot, um a lot
of the time kids are reallymanaged, and that act and as you
were saying, that doesn't reallyhelp.
Yeah, and it also doesn'tprevent them, it doesn't prevent
them having the experienceeither.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:54):
Right, exactly.
They they they always find youyou will never be too good of a
parent, right?
You'll you'll you'll neveryou'll never be enough, right?
They're going to have to live anexperience on their own.
You're not gonna protect themfrom everything, you know, and
that's the hard part to accept.

SPEAKER_04 (01:02:12):
Yeah.
Well, thank you both foranswering that.
And if the young lady that wrotein, if you are listening right
now, first of all, I want tothank you just being courageous
just to write us in and justsharing that that part of the
story with us.
But also, I think maybe you andyour um your husband probably
need to just go um tocounseling, if either a life
coach or a therapist to actuallyhelp give you the skills to the

(01:02:32):
very thing that um Dr.
Bisbee was talking about to kindof help you along the way so you
can make that bright choice umfor that.
Because one thing we don't wantto do, we don't want to bring a
child into where we are feelingof anxiety, excuse my language,
because I'm saying anxiety andstress and pressure that we
bring to the child, because Iknow for me, as um I've been had

(01:02:55):
three pregnancies, and each oneof my pregnancies, I my baby's
like festered in my fear and myanxiety.
So that's a very importantthing.
Um, that's one thing that, um,and I'm gonna talk to you later
about that, Dr.
Will, that I think that'ssomething that parents do need
to have, especially first-timeum people that are expecting
that it needs to be a course orseminar or something so they can

(01:03:18):
help nourish that child whileit's in the womb, where they can
understand what all of thatmeans and what all of that is.
So by the time that baby isborn, that is something just
new.
We have a whole new language ofwhat our you know dynamic as a
family is.
So that means you yourself as amother or as a father, you go in
and you get that help foryourself as well.

(01:03:40):
So you can find out what yourfoundation is or what it is, and
you come together and you havethis beautiful individual that
now you have brand brought intothe world that's ready for
whatever.

SPEAKER_03 (01:03:51):
It's also particularly important because
chemically, biochemically, ifyou're stressed the whole time,
that that that's what the thebaby is is is getting.
Yeah, and there's a goodresearch about what that sets
people up for.
Yeah, you know, so it it's ifyou can lower the stress, if

(01:04:12):
there's ways of doing that andtaking care of that, you set the
baby up for a better umphysiological situation.

SPEAKER_04 (01:04:22):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, my beautiful people, well,we have come um to the close of
our show today.
I want to tell you, mylisteners, first of all, I don't
want to thank you listeners forI see you guys in the comments
right here and over there.
And I thank you so much for justbeing a part of this series.
Um, myself, Dr.
Will and Dog How Mike, my wewill be back next week, just

(01:04:43):
doing a nice little recap of allthe four weeks.
And Dr.
Laurie, thank you so much forcoming in and just sharing your
wisdom with us and everything.
Um, you just put the the what Isay, the cherry on the top, the
cherry on the top for everythingthat we have been just talking
about this um this past month.

(01:05:05):
It's been an amazing month.
This is the first one that we'redoing, and we're doing it again
next year, right, Dr.
Will?

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:11):
Oh, yeah.
We are.
I'm already getting about thenext shirt I'm trying to get.

SPEAKER_04 (01:05:16):
So um, Dr.
Laura, is there any last minutewords that you have for our
listeners?

SPEAKER_03 (01:05:21):
Uh it's been absolutely my pleasure.
And I, you know, we're all worksin progress.
That's those are my last-minutewords.
Every single one of us is a workin progress.
Yeah.
So that gives us all the scopeto change and become who we want
to become.
Yes, beautiful.
Thank you.
And Dr.
Will.

SPEAKER_01 (01:05:38):
Be kind to yourself and heal always.

SPEAKER_04 (01:05:42):
All right.
All right, my beautiful people.
Well, as I said, next week,myself, Dr.
Will and Dr.
Pop My Boy, we're back withrecap.
But also, we are gonna have thelines open.
I know we didn't do the linestoday open for right now, but
next week we will have the linesopen for any questions that you
have um for us with this.
We closing it out.
We closing out the topic, but Ialso want you guys to remember

(01:06:04):
that we have teamed up with umMental Health America.
You can go to axenyomi.com anddonate.
As I said, it can be$5,$10,$20,$25.
Let them know that the DTG crewover here at Axe Naomi that we
do care.
That we do care.

(01:06:25):
All right.
Um, let's get y'all questionstogether for next week.
Get y'all questions together fornext week.
Oh, until then, I want you toprotect your teeth.
Break the cycle in love withintention.
You all have an amazing, amazingweek with hey Dr.
Mike Mike.
Okay, last word.

(01:06:45):
Y'all next week for the lastlast week.
All right, there we go.
All right, you guys have anamazing, amazing weekend.
Have a good one.
All right, my people being apart of another amazing live
episode on your enjoy today.
So I want you to click that likebutton.
Or share with someone who needsto like.

(01:07:07):
And don't forget to clicksubscribe and ring that note the
button bell.
So you would never miss a third.
You want to work on my Dartcollection in a more expensive
part.
The link is in the descriptionbelow.
But I want you to remember on anew level of the new level of

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