Supporting a Partner with Mental Health Challenges

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:13):
Welcome to a podcast like No Other.
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(00:37):
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SPEAKER_06 (01:23):
All right.
This is where we talk aboutlove, sex, relationship,
cultural differences, and somuch more by bridging the gap
between them all and teachingthe world on sex language,
attitude, and some spiritualuplifting.
But this month, this month,we're doing something special.
We're doing something special.

(01:44):
And if I didn't say, you knowwho I am.
I am the host, Naomi Banks, andwe are in week two.
We are in week two of our loveand mental health series for
mental health awareness month.
But tonight we are diving intoone of the most important
questions that many of us facein silence is how do you support

(02:04):
a partner with mental healthchallenges without losing
yourself in the process?
Now, before we jump in, I wantto remind you all why this
series inspired me.
It was inspired by a letter fromone of our listeners.
Um, he's a 42-year-old disabledveteran who wrote about this and
he said, I change and I try toappease my exes and lost myself

(02:30):
in the process.
I'm a 42-year-old disabledveteran.
Should I just accept the factthat I'm going to be single
forever?
And he has PTSD.
The letter reminded us of whythe work matters.
And each week we are honoringthe stories that rarely get
told.
Tonight we're adding anotherletter to this conversation.

(02:50):
And this one is from a spouseand a parent carrying love,
confusion, and a whole lot ofcourage.
And here's what they wrote Theysaid, I am married to my spouse
who has who was diagnosed withbipolar disorder just a few
years ago.
I understand more now about themoose swings to anger and the
emotional shifts.

(03:11):
But we have two small children,ages three and seven.
How do I even begin to explainone parent's mental illness to
them?
You know, that's deep.
And that's some real stuff.
And if that's your reality too,tonight's episode is for you.

(03:32):
So before we bring our amazingguest to the stage, I'm gonna
take a quick break, all right?
It's your girdy goddess LemmyBanks here on Axe Lang on We
Bridget Gap Podcast, and we willbe right back.

SPEAKER_01 (03:44):
Join us this May for a groundbreaking series that
bridges the gap between love andmental wellness.
Love and mental health, apowerful four-part journey
exploring the intricateconnection between relationships
and mental well-being.
Every Thursday at 6 p.m.
Pacific Standard Time, join hostMaomi Banks alongside our
resident therapist, Dr.
Will Washington, healthpsychologist and owner of

(04:07):
Washington Wellness Institute,who brings his expertise to all
four powerful episodes.
Each week, they're joined byremarkable specialists.
Week 1, May 1st, author of God'sDivine Plans for Marriage and
ordained Christian minister,Kristina Cole, tackles dating
while managing mental health.
Week 2, May 8th, marriage andfamily therapist Aquila

(04:29):
Wheatley, owner and founder ofSupport Advice, discusses
supporting a partner with mentalhealth challenges.
Week 3, May 15, celebrityrelationship coach and intuitive
energy healer Terry Christie, TVpersonality and author of The
Secret Power of You, explorescouples therapy and mental
health.
Week 4, May 22nd, London-basedclinical psychologist and

(04:52):
sex-slash intimacy coach Dr.
Lori Beth Bispay delves intogenerational mental health and
relationships.
This powerhouse lineup combinesDr.
Washington's ongoing expertisewith specialized insights from
our weekly guests, offering youa comprehensive approach to
mental health and relationships.
Whether you're single, dating,or in a committed relationship,

(05:13):
this series delivers the toolsand understanding you need.
Don't miss this life-changingseries.
Follow Ask Naomi Bridging theGap on your favorite podcast
platform and visit AskNayomi.comto be part of the conversation.
Because when it comes to loveand mental health, knowledge is
power.
Always keep it so sexy.

SPEAKER_03 (05:34):
Washington Wells Institute focuses on healing
always.
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(05:54):
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SPEAKER_06 (06:08):
All right, my beautiful people.
Well, welcome back to Axe NaomiBridging the Gap Podcast.
We are live.
We are doing a special four-partseries this month called Love
and Mental Health in honor ofMental Health Awareness Month.
Well, I can't do this by myself.
I didn't say it before I get.
What's going on, Dr.
McMike?
It's all good, all good.

(06:29):
All right, and I see BTG crew.
I see all y'all with y'allcomments and your likes.
Make sure y'all hit those likebuttons, those like buttons.
All right, but joining me, Ihave some phenomenal people that
is coming to the stage.
First, I want to introduce MissAquila Viffley.
She is a licensed marriage andfamily therapist with advanced
degrees in psychology andphilosophy.

(06:51):
She's the founder of SupportAdvice, and she helps couples
and families navigate love,caregiving, and healing with
compassion and clarity.
And of course, we're joined byagain our resident therapist,
Dr.
Will Washington.
He's a licensed professionalclinical counselor, supervisor,
clinical hypotherapist, adistinguished psychedelic

(07:11):
assistant therapist.
I can keep going on and on andon.
He has a PhD and healthpsychotic.
You know all that stuff that hegot going on.
Right.

SPEAKER_08 (07:21):
Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_06 (07:23):
This brother is blazing rails and trauma
recovery and his moyal distress.
Um, you know what?
I'm so honored to always haveyou with me as my my my
co-pilot.
But we're gonna welcome Aquilato the stage.
Hey, hey.
Hey, how are you?
I am I am blessed and I am readyfor this conversation.

(07:44):
Dr.
Will has talked about, he saidwe're gonna we're gonna do it
today.
We will.

SPEAKER_03 (07:51):
She don't play.
She don't play.

SPEAKER_06 (07:54):
I know that's right.
So what I want to do, I want tostart off with our first
segment.
Is it about understanding mentalhealth and the relationship?
So I want to ask you, mylisteners out there that's
listening all over the place.
Have you ever loved someonethrough a storm that you
couldn't fully understand?
I want you to drop it, drop yourcomments in the chat.

(08:17):
Drop your child comments in thechat.
And we want to hear, we want tohear your truth.
All right, so Aquila, what aresome common signs that your
partner may be struggling withtheir mental health?
And what does that look likeinside of a relationship where
love gets tested by anxiety,depression, or even bipolar

(08:37):
episodes?

SPEAKER_05 (08:40):
So I want to start by saying one of the first
things that you'll see is anunhealthy attachment, right?
And so when we look atattachment patterns, you have
anxious attachments, you haveanxious avoidance attachment
styles, right?
And so when you see someone thatis attaching anxiously, there's

(09:03):
also a red flag there thatthey're probably struggling with
anxiety, fears of abandonment,um, different types of trauma,
because that is a traumaresponse and a trauma attachment
pattern.

SPEAKER_06 (09:19):
Did you want to add on to that, Dr.
Wheel?

SPEAKER_03 (09:21):
No, that's that's that's it, that's the foundation
of it.

SPEAKER_06 (09:25):
Okay, beautiful.
All right, so let's talk aboutsupport.
We to let's talk about supportstrategies with the partners.
Um, you know, it's not just asurface kind of thing, but it's
the kind that requiresboundaries, um, strength, and
sometimes stepping back toprotect your peace.
So I got another question for mylisteners out there.
Have you ever felt like you wereslowly losing yourself by trying

(09:49):
to save someone that you love?
And what boundaries help or didyou?
So, Aquila, I got anotherquestion for you.
What advice do you give someonewho wants to be there for their
partner, but feels like they'rebecoming the therapist, the
fixer, and the only source ofstability?

SPEAKER_05 (10:08):
So I want to say that is typically the role that
is filled in that becausethere's a lot of codependency
going on, right?
And so the person feels likeit's their job to save this
individual and they find purposein that.
That is how being in thatrelationship serves them.

(10:29):
And so I definitely let themknow that it's important that
they step back, that they createemotional boundaries, not just
physical boundaries, right?
But emotional boundaries.
Because in mental health,there's also natural
manipulation, right?
From dealing with someone thathas depression.

(10:51):
There's been plenty of timesthat I've had clients tell me,
would the person say they'reabout to kill themselves, right?
And just to keep them on thephone, just to keep them on the
line, right?
And to assure them that there'sresources for that, okay?
That is not your job.
That is not your role, right?

(11:12):
You are a partner, you are not atrained therapist, right?
Right.

SPEAKER_06 (11:17):
So let me ask you this.
So the letter that was justwritten in about the parent, um,
and how you know um their spousewas just diagnosed with um
bipolar a few years ago, andthey have two small children.
How do you have thatconversation with a three and a
seven-year-old on what's goingon in their home or what's
happening with that otherparent?

SPEAKER_05 (11:40):
Are you asking me or Dr.
Will?
Either.

SPEAKER_03 (11:46):
Yeah, of course.
Um, but I love I love thatquestion because a lot of times
as adults, we overstand tounderfeel, and we explain so
much about what's happening,what's not happening, with all
these all this stuff.
And I tell my clients, if I wasa third grader, how would you
explain to me what you're goingthrough?
And they have to get to the rootof what's happening, the actual

(12:09):
emotions, right?
We talk about symptoms all thetime, we always use the big
words all the time, but we neverjust talk about how we feel.
And children actually have thehighest capacity to take on
harder things in life.
So we have to first take awaythe stigma that kids can't
handle difficult situations,they can, and they can recover a
lot faster than you too, by theway.

(12:30):
Right?
Then we let them know that thereis a lifestyle change.
Kids can adjust to lifestyles alot faster because they're
relying on you to be the parent.
So, first, secondly, trustyourself as a parent that you
can help your child learn.
Because a lot of us use our ownshame and guilt and think that
we don't have the skill or theability to raise a child.

(12:52):
But that child only knows you,right?
So actually embrace theinherited responsibility.
And then lastly, just make surethat when you talk about a
difficulty, you can call it whatit is, but don't treat them like
children.
Help them explain what it means.
Because if you can't explain itto them, well then can you deal
with it?

SPEAKER_09 (13:14):
Right?

SPEAKER_03 (13:15):
If you can't explain it for yourself to other people,
I don't expect you to explain itto a child.
So also make sure that youunderstand your own knowledge
and frame of reference and knowwhat the boundaries are and what
the behaviors are because thetruth is that once again, the
mental illness isn't theproblem, it's how we go through
it and how we integrate it intoour lives as a family.
So it takes that awareness andit takes that understanding.

SPEAKER_06 (13:37):
Wow, thank you for that beautiful set.
Uh Aquila, do you want to add onto that?

SPEAKER_05 (13:42):
Um, I do, and Will, that that was absolutely
amazing.
And I think that it's alsoimportant because kids tend to
internalize, right?
That they also understand thatit is not their fault, right?
That the parent is going throughwhat they're going through,
right?
And also, like Will said,express and talk about the big

(14:06):
emotions.
However, I also want to say thatsometimes, especially with
bipolar disorder, it can bedangerous, right?
And so, you know, that's part ofa conversation as well, because
there is a responsibility aroundmental and emotional health
where we're not saying, okay,well, you know, dad is today,

(14:30):
right?
But then he's running aroundpunching holes in the wall.
Because now that's traumatic.
That's a problem.
So there's a there's so there'sa bigger responsibility on on
the adults there as well, as faras protective capacity.

SPEAKER_06 (14:45):
Yeah.
So so let's go just a little, alittle further, a little deeper.
Um, we we're watching somethingin real time.
I think you and I, Dr.
Will, we talked a little bitabout this um last week when we
talked about social media.
And we see that's a celebrityright now that he is going
through um a manic on socialmedia.

(15:07):
Um, so social media being such abig thing, and he's been
diagnosed with bipolar, um, butthe attacks that he's given, you
know, to certain people and tothe world, and he has children
that actually are on socialmedia emotionally.
How can a parent emotionally tryto protect or guide their child
through something like that?

(15:28):
Um with better helping thememotionally.
If y'all can understand myquestion.

SPEAKER_05 (15:36):
No, I I do understand the question.
Well, did you mind if I I saidsomething?
Because I'm more than happy.
Oh, okay.
So when I when I hear whatyou're asking, I I hear, so if
your um mom was a heroin addict,or if your dad was a serious
alcoholic, well, you know, howwould you make that okay, or how

(16:01):
would you deal with it?
How could you talk to them in away that is supportive?
Yes, you can support, right?
But when it comes down to thesetypes of things, there are
boundaries, okay?
Because there's a responsibilityfor the individual that is
having the mental and emotionalbreakdown to seek help and be

(16:21):
med compliant.
If they're not doing that, yourprotective capacity then is to
protect the kids and get themout of the way.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 (16:33):
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that environment is soimportant.
And I think that's what causesso much childhood abuse is
simply the fact that kids arejust in the wrong environment.
It it really is.
And I I tell children all thetime, it's not about who you
are, it's about where you were.
You know, and and I don't thinkthat we know, and unfortunately,

(16:54):
there is a call to parents thatyou have all these words that
mean what you go through, butthe responsibility is still the
same.

SPEAKER_06 (17:03):
Right.

SPEAKER_03 (17:04):
Responsibility is still the same.
And are you parent enough toremove yourself too?

SPEAKER_06 (17:09):
Mmm, mmm.
Yeah.
Um, Dr.
Mike, did you have something tosay?

SPEAKER_04 (17:16):
You know, some and and I hear what everybody's
saying and all that, you know,but sometimes in a relationship,
and I want to know your opinionon this, is if if the person
that's going through that, um,going through that issue, going
through that mental issue, youlove that person.
And as most men I know, womentoo, we try to protect everyone.

(17:37):
You know, how do we how do webreak away from that bounty
like, okay, I of course I want Iwant to help my kids, but I want
to help my spouse or my lovedone as well.
And sometimes we just go into awhole protective mode of
protecting everybody, you know.
But I understand aboutprotecting the kids, but
sometimes we get caught up inthat.

SPEAKER_03 (18:00):
I'll be brief with this.
So I love that you said that.
So this is where whererelational transparency matters
so much.
Um, this is that moment where Ihave to go to the parent and
say, Hey, what I want from youis to come home to a space where
my kids aren't worried about ifyou're gonna hurt them or not.

(18:23):
And right now, I don't know ifthat's gonna be possible.
I need to know what it's gonnatake for you to feel like you
can come home safe.
Not how we can make you safe,but what do you need to make
sure you can feel safe beforeyou walk into this door?
And do we have to have a safetycheck before you come in?

(18:44):
And if not, what's plan B?
You gotta stay at your auntie'shouse, or you gotta stay at your
cousin's house, or I have abudget where you have to you're
gonna have to stay at the motelfor the night.
But that level six six behavior,six out of ten behavior, that
means that means that you gotyou can't be in the house.
So before you come in, let's doa number check.

(19:04):
Once you get to number six, no.
Number five, we can talk aboutit.
Number four, you need to talk tosomebody.
Number three, you can come home.
Level two, you can come home,level one, you can come home.
But there can be a scale inthis, but we don't ever take
that time out to have thatconversation of transparency.

SPEAKER_06 (19:22):
I love that answer.
Akuda, did you want to add on tothat?

SPEAKER_05 (19:26):
Um, yes, um, transparency is is very
important.
I completely agree with Dr.
Will.
It's also important tounderstand that someone with
mental health issues, um they'renot always lucid, right?
They're not always in a frame ofmind where they can articulate

(19:47):
or even recognize themselvesthat they're a danger, right?
So if I think I'm at a three andI come to the door and you see
me and I'm completely manic, andI'm trying to barge in, I'm not
aware that I'm a threat.
And that's the issue there.

(20:09):
I'm not doing this because Iwant to hurt everybody.
I'm doing this because I'm notaware that I'm even coming off
as someone dangerous or anythinglike that.
And so when it comes to love,right, because I do want to talk
about um what Mike said, right?
When it comes to love, yes, thatis important.

(20:32):
And it is important to let themknow it is because you love them
that you that you need them todo what they need to do for them
to get the help so that they canbe in the relationship.
Because from an externalizationperspective, you're not in a
relationship with them anymore,you're in a relationship with
the mental health disease.

SPEAKER_06 (20:54):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 (20:55):
And you want them back, and that's what you have
to let them know.

SPEAKER_06 (21:00):
Yeah, I love that answer.
I love that answer, Aquila.
So let's do this.
Let's take a quick break, andthen when we come back, we're
gonna get more deep into this,all right?
Um, all right, my beautifulpeople.
Thank you all for listening.
We will be back right back.
It's your girldy guy, it's notremaining here on Axe Naomi
Bridge of the Gap Podcast.
We will be right back.

SPEAKER_01 (21:17):
Join us this May for a groundbreaking series that
bridges the gap between love andmental wellness.
Love and mental health, apowerful four-part journey
exploring the intricateconnection between relationships
and mental well-being.
Every Thursday at 6 p.m.
Pacific Standard Time, join hostMayomi Banks alongside our
resident therapist, Dr.
Will Washington, healthpsychologist and owner of

(21:40):
Washington Wellness Institute,who brings his expertise to all
four powerful episodes.
Each week, they're joined byremarkable specialists.
Week 1, May 1st, author of God'sDivine Plans for Marriage and
ordained Christian minister,Kristin Akol, tackles dating
while managing mental health.
Week 2 May 8th, marriage andfamily therapist Aquila

(22:02):
Wheatley, owner and founder ofSupport Advice, discusses
supporting a partner with mentalhealth challenges.
Week 3, May 15th, celebrityrelationship coach and intuitive
energy healer Terry Christie, TVpersonality and author of The
Secret Power of You, explorescouples therapy and mental
health.
Week 4, May 22nd, London-basedclinical psychologist and

(22:25):
sex-intimacy coach Dr.
Lori Baptist Bay delves intogenerational mental health and
relationships.
This powerhouse lineup combinesDr.
Washington's ongoing expertisewith specialized insights from
our weekly guests, offering youa comprehensive approach to
mental health and relationships.
Whether you're single, dating,or in a committed relationship,

(22:46):
this series delivers the toolsand understanding you need.
Don't miss this life-changingseries.
Follow Ask Naomi Bridging theGap on your favorite podcast
platform and visit AskMeomi.comto be part of the conversation.
Because when it comes to loveand mental health, knowledge is
power.
Always keep it so sexy.

SPEAKER_06 (23:06):
Alright, well, welcome back to Ask Naomi Ridge
Gap Podcast.
Alright, happy TGQ.
I see I over there commentingsome.
Actually, I'm going to drop thephone number right now.
If you have any questions for uhQueela or DoctorWill or
myself.com.
Mike might give us a call at765-275-1527.

(23:27):
That's 765-271527.
Again, this month is all aboutmental health awareness.
We're doing a very specialseries, a four-part series
called Love and Health.
Today is all about supportingrelationships while being with
someone that has mental health.
We've been going deep intoconversations right now.

(23:49):
All right, Dr.
Will, so I got some questionsfrom you that was submitted from
some of our listeners.
Um, are you you ready to answersome of them?

SPEAKER_03 (23:58):
Let's do it.

SPEAKER_06 (23:58):
All right, let's go.
So, what the first question ishow do I know if I'm being
supportive or if I'm beingenabling?

SPEAKER_03 (24:07):
Oh, okay.
I would love to answer this, butthe fact that Aquila's company
is called supportive advice, Ifeel like Aquila should answer
this or ask the question againfor Aquila, and then I'll I'll
come back.

SPEAKER_06 (24:19):
Okay, I know that's right.
Past the baton.

SPEAKER_03 (24:21):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 (24:23):
Go ahead, Aquila.
So when I hear someone ask, howdo I know that I am being
supportive or if I am enabling?
I would first ask them, how areyou feeling after the
experience?
Are you completely exhausted?

(24:44):
Right?
And are you creating anenvironment that embodies the
issue, right?
Or are you creating healthyboundaries to help the person
rise to where you need them tobe?
So that that lets you know a lotof times when you are in a in a
space where you are enabling,right?

(25:06):
There is a part of what you'redoing that's serving you.
And a lot of people don't tendto see that or understand that.
But it doesn't have to be agreat situation or a pleasant
situation to serve you.
So you really have to look deepinto yourself and understand the
motives behind what you're doingand also how what you're doing

(25:28):
is affecting you from a mentaland emotional standpoint.

SPEAKER_06 (25:32):
Beautiful.
I love that.
I love that answer.
Thank you.
Dr.
Wood, did you want to saysomething?

SPEAKER_03 (25:37):
Yes, I think I think to keep it simple is
understanding that yourinvolvement, your investment,
and your relationship areusually really tied together.
And it's understanding that whatyou want for them and what you
have to offer them are twodifferent worlds.

(25:59):
And so we have to becomeemotionally sober in that
moment, and that's a really hardplace to be because you might go
through those emotional,emotional withdrawals feeling
like you're being supportive,and it's really important to not
get so caught up in the in thein the I guess the drunkenness
of feeling helpful becausesometimes you become helpless by

(26:21):
being too helpful.

SPEAKER_06 (26:23):
I love that.
That's good.
Yeah, I love that one.
All right, so here's anotherone.
Um they say, I love them, buttheir depression is draining me.
I'm starting to feel resentful.
What do I do?

SPEAKER_03 (26:39):
You know, I love the word with self-awareness comes
emotional responsibility.
So why are you making yourselfexhausted?
How much of yourself are youputting out?
Why do you feel like you'reresponsible for that?
What is this resentment?
Usually when resentment, right?
You point one finger, there'sfour back at you.

(26:59):
There's probably three or fourother reasons why you're not
taking care of yourself.
So my thing is if we're in thesession, I would say, well, tell
me your routine.
How do you wake up?
How do you eat breakfast?
How do you work out?
How do you read the book?
How do you have friends?
How do you hang out?
How do you how what happened inyour life to make your life less
relevant and their issues morepresent to you?

(27:23):
Right?
So I want to make sure that youhave your life before you have
other people's.
And then we once once they getthat together, then you ask
them, well, how important istheir depression to you?
You know, and unfortunately,it's it's this moment where
compatibility is a genuineconversation as well.

(27:43):
And for me, I don't I mightmight be different to other
people, but I don't mind if youare together or if you break up.
That's I don't really care aboutwhether or not you're together
or not.
That's not my problem.
My thing is I need two activepeople actively working on being
healthy, right?
Two individual people activelyworking on being healthy and
deciding to share an experiencetogether.

(28:06):
If you're not actively beinghealthy, you're going to grow
apart.
And so it's it's it's naturalfor lives to to to move apart
from each other, just as much asit is to get closer.
So, but I hope we wanted to getto that conversation.
Hopefully, your life will be soinvested that you can have space
to have things.

SPEAKER_06 (28:26):
Right.
Thank you.
Beautiful.
You know, right now, over thereat the Season of Self Love
Podcast, that's something thatwe're talking about this month,
about um nurturingrelationships.
And that's one of the things wetalked about, about the
foundation of our relationship.
But today I shared about havingrelational um with one another,
but understanding what thatlooks like in between and

(28:47):
understanding aboutoverextending yourself and you
know, not understanding whatyour boundaries are.
A lot of times, and it'ssomething that I share, a lot of
times we don't even know whatboundaries are because that's
something that we were nevertaught.
You know, I come from an era towhere both of my grandmothers,
their homes were revolving doorswhere they would help any and
everybody that comes in becausethere was no boundary set up.

(29:11):
You know, we always want to helpthose that are less fortunate or
whatever that goes through, butdon't know is that through all
of that, we have we built, youknow, toxic, you know, um habits
and traits and you know sendingthat through generational, you
know, things.
I found myself doing the samething with my home, you know,

(29:32):
making it to where it was arevolving door to help
different, you know, people.
But once I started going throughmy healing journey and then my
self-love journey, I kind ofunderstood on where to, you
know, bring my boundaries, youknow, and be bold with them.
And what I mean bold with themis telling what my my boundaries
are, and they that not always anegative thing.

(29:53):
And that's one thing is that wehave to understand that when you
do put those boundaries up, thatit is not a negative thing, it's
not a selfish thing, you know.
Yeah, you what you we got acaller?
We do, we have a caller.
All right, we got a caller,y'all.
All right, caller.

(30:14):
Hello.

SPEAKER_04 (30:16):
Hello, you there?
Yep, we hear you.
Hello, caller.

SPEAKER_06 (30:28):
Hello, hello.
I'm doing well, how about yousay how can we help you, Love?

SPEAKER_07 (30:50):
Very good.
And text messages I've beengetting a message.

SPEAKER_06 (31:12):
You be getting what you be getting text text
messages from who somebodyclaiming to be you.
Oh no, baby, that's not me.
No, that's not me, baby.
I'm so sorry.
No, that's not me.
No, baby.

SPEAKER_07 (31:33):
How would I expose the face verb?

SPEAKER_06 (31:35):
You know what?
I you know, honestly, I do notknow because that is a uh a
problem that has been going onwith myself and other people
that you know, of notary ofcelebrity-wise that has that.
The only thing that I can tellyou is that I know that is not
me.
I do not talk to people on chator anything like that.
If you haven't booked me for aone-on-one um transformational

(31:57):
life coaching thing, then youwon't be talking to me, baby.

SPEAKER_07 (32:01):
Or on here.

SPEAKER_06 (32:03):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 (32:04):
I'm glad I'm finding out the truth about this person
because I'm ready to expose thefake person.

SPEAKER_06 (32:10):
Well, exposed.
I hope you didn't send them nomoney.
Did you send them any money?

SPEAKER_07 (32:15):
No, they didn't ask for money yet, but it was a lot
about wanting to get together,us having sex and uh and other
things, and I explained the fakeperson that you said I would go
on a podcast that you were amarried woman.
Yes, amen.

SPEAKER_06 (32:39):
Yes, so you know, no, that's no cybersecurity.

SPEAKER_03 (32:45):
Yeah, blocking security, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (32:47):
Block them out, you know.
First of all, I appreciate you.
I appreciate you coming on andjust sharing that with me.
Um, a lot of people will fall,you know, subject to that, and
and and it's just unfortunatethat people are out here just
being an ass and doing thingslike that.

SPEAKER_03 (33:04):
But that's also a real topic, though.

SPEAKER_07 (33:07):
I've been getting some caps from other people.
Another one was a lot ofsomebody closing us a lot of

(33:28):
brown.

SPEAKER_06 (33:29):
Oh Lord.
No, no, love, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry that you have to gothrough that.

SPEAKER_07 (33:39):
But what I needed to do is just take this person off
of block this person trying tosend me messages.

SPEAKER_06 (33:48):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, block them.

SPEAKER_07 (33:54):
Yeah, okay.
Thank you for for taking thistime with an album.

SPEAKER_06 (34:00):
All right, no problem, love.
Thank you for calling in.
Thank you for sharing that withme, too.
Thank you for letting me know.

SPEAKER_07 (34:04):
Okay, you too.
Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_06 (34:06):
You have a good one.
So, what would you say, Dr.
Will?

SPEAKER_03 (34:12):
So, I would love to talk about that though, because
it's actually important.
That's so there's five differenttypes of abuse, right?
You got physical abuse, verbalabuse, sexual abuse, but then
you also have um uh digitalabuse as well.
And we don't talk about howpeople, this in this new age,
digital abuse is at an all-timehigh, and a lot of us don't even

(34:34):
realize consider it even abuse.
So tracking people, sayingunsolicited pictures, right?
Um, tagging people, sharinglocations, forced passwords,
codes, you know, making multipleburner accounts, right?
Like those are forms of abuse.
Yeah, and and this is and I I Ispeak with people um about
cybersecurity, and there's somany people that are even

(34:56):
extorted, right?
Sexual extortion, and it'sthat's all forms of digital
abuse.
And we don't even realize thatwe're being groomed in a way
that it normalizes it.
And so I just appreciated thatconversation.
It felt like it was like, well,where is this going?
But the truth is that that ishappening every day and in in in
a saturated amount.

(35:17):
Um, and so I just appreciate hercalling and actually bringing it
to you because that rises abigger problem.

SPEAKER_06 (35:24):
Yeah, yeah.
Thank you for saying that, Dr.
Will.
Um, you know, because we it's somany.
Um, I I was joking with Dog PalmMike Mike just about catfishing,
and a lot of people are takingit a lot much further than that.
Um, I know, you know, my mom forone instance, she always, you
know, come to me with theselittle things and people, these
good get rich things or you wantsomething or whatever.

(35:44):
And they they kind of targetcertain indifferent people, you
know.
When you on certain things andthey know what you're looking
for, they're gonna pretend to bewho you want them to be, you
know, and that's where you haveto be very cautious of how you
do and when you you know fallinto those traps, and it's
unfortunate that they do that.

(36:05):
I uh yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I I I don't like that.
But let's let's move on to thelast question.
This is the last question.
Um, the question says, theyrefuse to help, but keep telling
me they love me.
Am I supposed to stay?

(36:25):
Dr.
Will?

SPEAKER_05 (36:26):
Aquila?

SPEAKER_03 (36:27):
Oh, Aquila, please take that one.

SPEAKER_05 (36:29):
Okay, so I just want to clarify, they're refusing
help or they're refusing tohelp.
They're refusing help, butthey're saying, yeah.
Okay.
If they are refusing help, thenthey they don't want you to
stay.
You know what I'm saying?
Like your actions have to becongruent with your words.

(36:51):
And if you have said, look, thisis unsafe, like if you have
determined this is unsafe forme, right?
This is not how I feel love,this is what needs to happen for
us to be able to continue withinthis relationship.
And they're telling you, no, Iwant to continue in the

(37:12):
relationship without giving youanything that you need.
That's a problem.
Yeah, that's a problem.
Even if they do have mentalhealth issues, there's there's
gonna be times where they'relucid, right?
And if they're doing that,that's not just mental health,
that is emotional abuse as well.

(37:33):
That is a a different type ofmanipulation as well, yeah.

SPEAKER_06 (37:39):
Yeah, thank you for that.
Thank you for that.
Um, did you want to uh add on tothat, Dr.
Will?

SPEAKER_03 (37:44):
Yes, and and I and I'm I really think it's
important to understand that youare not in a relationship to be
an emotional punching bag.
I had to really make sure I hadto check myself a lot because I
have friends that will reallyjust go in on me and I'm like,
Whoa, are you doing this becauseyou know how just because I know

(38:05):
how to hold space for youdoesn't mean you need to take it
all up, right?
And so I always say turn thatspace into a container because
when I hold space, I'm activelywith you, right?
When I hold a container, thatmeans that there are rules and
regulations, right?
And so when someone sayssomething like that, you have to
give a deadline.

SPEAKER_09 (38:26):
Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03 (38:28):
I give my friends deadlines.
If I ever give anybody adeadline about how I need
things, that's how I know I'mbecause I need you to respect my
intentions with you.
So, hey, if I if you do thisthree times in a week, just know
that I'm planning my way out,and I don't have to even tell
you I'm planning my way out.
Once you do the three things,I'm already calculating my way
out.
I don't have to make it a bigdeal, grandiose deal.

(38:50):
I'm out, and it's reminding you.
So, so my thing is createdeadlines um because you have to
honor your capacity at all timesin those type of relationships.

SPEAKER_06 (39:02):
I love that.
Thank you.
I love that.
All right, and so for everyonelistening right now, I got a
question for you.
What's something that you wishthat someone told you about
loving someone with mentalillness?
Let us know in the chat.
Uh, give us a text right therein the chat things.
All right.
All right, so um, before weclose, I want to lift up um two

(39:24):
deeply personal stories that wasshared with um that I want to
share with the audience.
Um and that some of thelisteners had wrote in these
this past week after watchinglast week's show.
Um, one of them, we're gonnacall this um silent strength.
She said, I've been dating myfiance for five years now, and
he just recently proposed to me.

(39:44):
I have to be honest, I've nevershared my diagnosis of clinical
depression with him.
I've been able to manage it withmedication, and I've never had
an episode during ourrelationship.
But now that we're talking aboutbuilding a family together, I
feel this weight.
What if it shows up later?
What if it changes how he seesme?

SPEAKER_03 (40:14):
Normalize, normalize your love.
Um if you have the capacity tolove, the fact that you have the
capacity to be worried aboutthis, it means you have the
capacity to care beyond theproblem itself.
Right.
Um, I always like to work withinthe concern, right?
It's always about people thatare are unsure about having

(40:34):
kids, usually make greatparents, yeah, right, because
they're so worried about whattype of parent they would be.
Right.
Um, we have to understand thatyour mental illness is not going
to stop you from being theparent you think you should be,
because a lot of times you needto be the parent that the child
needs.
And that is the one a stapleissue in just parenting in

(40:55):
general, is that we have so manyparents that are trying to be
this parent that they didn'thave rather than being the
parent that the child actuallyneeds.
And that is something about whenyou expand families, there's
gonna be adjustments, there'sgonna be growth, there's gonna
be challenges, there's gonna bechanges, and yet you are still
the same person that was chosento be there in the beginning.
So it's understanding theconfidence and the self-esteem

(41:18):
that's needed to be present andto reinforce that.
And so you may have to ask yourpartner for some reassurance,
you know.
Yeah, and that reassurance mightbe able to do more check-ins,
you know, and to do familytherapy before the family even
grows.
Right?
You there's a lot ofpreventative measures to be put
in place.

SPEAKER_06 (41:36):
Yeah, thank you for that, Dr.
Will.
Uh Akula, do you have anythingto add to it?
Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_05 (41:43):
I want to say that when I hear someone say, Well, I
haven't told anyone this, right?
I hear shame, I hear guilt,right?
You are more than a stigma, youare a human being, and you have

(42:03):
a right to exist and to feel andto understand that there's value
in your experience, in yourpresence, right?
And so you don't have to hideyour depression, you don't have
to hide that, right?
We all feel sadness, we all gothrough various emotions, and

(42:27):
for some reasons, at some pointin this person's life, they feel
as though they were less than,and that they had to feel guilty
for not being with whomever elseneeded them to be.
But if you're getting married tosomeone and you're not telling
them who you are or a part ofwho you are, they're not

(42:50):
marrying you, they're notmarrying the truth, and you
don't know if they'll have thecapacity for you if you don't
let them in.
Don't be ashamed of who you are,don't be ashamed of yourself,
don't be ashamed of how you feelbecause that lets me know you
haven't done self-work,self-love work, exactly, and no

(43:15):
one can love you more than youlove yourself.

SPEAKER_06 (43:19):
Beautiful, beautiful said, beautiful said.
You know what?
And I want to just say this tothe listeners.
I want to I want to thank you.
I want to thank you for thecourage just to even write in
and just share this.
I want you to know that you aretruly built love.
Well, just carrying your truth,but also know that just being
brave enough to share it with usright now, to share with us
right now.
All right, so we got one more.

(43:40):
Um, and this one right here, itum it touched me, can you roll
it up so I can see it, please?
Thank you.
Um, and this one is um he says,I'm a care, I'm a caregiver to
my 85 year old father who hassuffered with PTSD for decades
and was recently diagnosed withAlzheimer's.

(44:00):
My mother passed away a fewyears ago, so the responsibility
is on me.
I've been dating someone new fornine months and it's getting
serious.
I told her about theAlzheimer's, but not the PTSD.
Um, he has blowups at sometimes, and I promised my mother
I wouldn't put him in a home.
How do I navigate all thiswithout losing this relationship

(44:22):
or breaking that promise?
First of all, to the listener, Iwant to just say this.
Um, thank you.
Thank you for honoring yourparents and just still making
space for love is not easy.
Um, for me, and I'm just gonnasay this I remember when my
father passed away, and it Ifelt that it was my

(44:42):
responsibility as the oldestchild to make sure that my mom
was taken care of.
And right now I am her caregiveras she is now being diagnosed
herself with um dementia.
Um, and so it's I'm just blessedthat you know, my husband is
very understanding in thatsituation.
So when I read this letter, Isaid, wow, you know, I I never

(45:05):
thought about that being inwithin a new relationship coming
into something like that thatcould be unfamiliar to that
person.
So for you, Dr.
Will and Aquila, what would yousay to this person?

SPEAKER_03 (45:20):
Yeah, do you want me to start first or oh yes,
please, please?
Um, we have to understand thatthere's three phases in this
that I see.
The first phase is understandingwhat am I coming in with, what
am I working on with you, andwhat am I hoping for us to be,

(45:41):
and really laying that out.
If this really is your person,if this really is the person
that you really want to weatherthat storm with through, if you
really want that, give them thechance to be successful with all
of you, not some of you.
And a lot of us get missed outon that part in the beginning of
marriages because we always wantto give our best foot forward,

(46:01):
but not our most authentic self.
Yeah, you know, and so you know,it's beautiful that you have
this awareness right now, youhave this concern right now, and
also lets you see what type ofperson you're gonna be with.
Because if this is the hardestit is coming into this, and they
say yes, what do you need?
How do you need this?

(46:22):
They're asking you to lead,they're asking you to be a good
follower, they're asking you tobe a good partner, they're
asking you to be a goodcommunicator, they're asking you
to be a good lover and anunderstanding person, and
they're also reflecting thatback to you at the same time.
And that foundation of cominginto it, working on with you,
and what you're hoping to seetogether, giving that pathway is

(46:44):
a very sexy thing.
So that someone's thinking aboutme that much to think of the
before, during, and afterbecause they're that serious
about me.
Give them the chance to see youfor who you truly are so they
can be who they truly are foryou.
So I'm I'm excited for you, andI hope to really hear what
happens for you.

SPEAKER_06 (47:00):
Beautiful.
Thank you for that.
Thank you for that.
Aquila, did you want to add onto it?

SPEAKER_05 (47:06):
Um, I just wanted to say that it's okay for you to
feel overwhelmed, right?
And it's also okay for you tofeel some resentment if you are
feeling those things aroundwanting to fulfill this promise,

(47:26):
but also wanting to pursue alife for yourself, right?
And understand that these twothings don't have to be
different, but in combiningthem, it is not always going to
be a smooth situation, right?
There is going to be chaos inthat, and it's okay because we

(47:48):
can grow in chaos.
So I just encourage you to giveyourself grace as well as your
partner as you guys moveforward.

SPEAKER_06 (47:57):
Yeah, beautiful, beautiful.
Did you have anything to add onto that, Dr.
Will?
I like that grow in chaos.
We're gonna have to talk aboutthat one, that's gonna have to
be a whole whole subject rightthere.

SPEAKER_02 (48:09):
Let me get these episodes in.
Let's get these episodes in.
Come on.

SPEAKER_06 (48:15):
If this conversation has touchedyou, I want y'all to do
something with it.
I want y'all to support mentalhealth care by donating to
Mental Health America.
Right now, we are doing uh anice little pledge.
It's called giveclassy.org loveand mental health.
Um, and also grab our exclusivemind and heart merch um

(48:38):
collection created just for thisseries.
100% of all our proceeds thatsupport this is going directly
to that.
So we get no cuts at all.
You can go to axnyomi uh.com tofor that, or also go to um
allnaomi.creator dot umspring.com as well.

(48:58):
So first we are at the end ofour show.
This was good, it went past fastand it was moving.
So, what I want to do is I wantto go to some questions if if in
the comments.
Do you got do y'all mind?
No, you good, but y'all goodwith it?
Okay, let's go to some commentsbecause we I I saw some over

(49:20):
here on this screen over here.
So, can you read them?

SPEAKER_04 (49:24):
Actually, uh, it was one that uh over on Instagram
that someone said that um andlet me, I can't go back to it
won't let me, but they said howcan they uh love someone and put
boundaries on on the situation?
You know, I guess that's that'sthe thing where when you say
bring everything to the tableand then put everything out

(49:45):
there, but then you still putboundaries on some things, I
guess they won't know how to gethow to get between how to
navigate between that.

SPEAKER_02 (50:00):
You know what is because we all are right, right?

SPEAKER_05 (50:06):
I was like, okay, you know, all I was gonna say
was um boundaries is not thesame as omission or withholding.
Okay, so if we're puttingeverything out on the table,
we're also putting out ourboundaries, which is where we
feel comfortable.

(50:26):
It's it's basically telling ourpartner, the people that we
love, this is my capacity, andthis is how I need you to
respect it.
So it's not about holdinginformation, it's not about not
being truthful, it's about beingvery truthful with your capacity
around those that love you.

SPEAKER_03 (50:49):
Yeah, I was gonna say it was my my focus was on
boundaries as well.
It's I think sometimes we thinkof boundaries as like a
offensive move.
And it's like, no, it's it'smore about learning who you are
becoming and teaching who areyou you're who you are becoming,
and then learning that.
Like if I decide to change myname, I'm William, but you call

(51:10):
me Will, it's not the integrity,is still there, right?
I'm still the person, it's justthis is another part of me, and
I'm still just as present as Ican be.
So we gotta take that that thatshame around adjusting our
identities for people.
It's a lot of shame to that.

SPEAKER_06 (51:26):
Yeah, I love that.
You know, I'll just want to justadd on to that is when we talk
about boundaries, especiallyover there at the Self-Love
Podcast, is more trulyunderstanding who you are and
what it is best for you.
Um, sometimes when we start off,things are no longer aligned
with us, and we have toacknowledge that and pay honor
to our own being.

(51:47):
So if you are in theserelationships and it becomes
draining at times, and itbecomes it gives you all of
these red flags that Akulatalked about earlier today, uh
earlier in our uh Dennis,sometimes it is best to you know
step back.
And what I mean step back islike, okay, let me realize what
it is that I will tolerate, whatit is that is best for me in

(52:09):
this relationship for me, andit's not a selfish thing.
It's something I said thismorning about me being um me
putting my boundaries up, myself-respect for me should not
be disrespectful to you.

SPEAKER_03 (52:26):
And if you are just and if you feel disrespected, it
means that you went beyond yourboundaries and you did not yeah.
What does that really mean ifyou don't like my boundaries?
Yeah, what does that really meanabout you?
Yeah, right?
How much do you did you like meor did you like your access?

SPEAKER_06 (52:43):
Exactly.
There we go.
There we go.
So I hope that that that helpsanswer your question uh for
that, and thank you, you know,for that.
Um, do you guys have any lastwords to share with our
audience?
Aquila, no, we'll please, pleasego ahead.

SPEAKER_03 (53:03):
I saw a question in the chat and it was and it was a
really big question, but I guesswe'll talk about it later.
I I won't I won't read it outloud.
I'll just it was it was a hardquestion.
I was hoping Aquila would answerthat, but do we got time or not?

SPEAKER_06 (53:18):
Yeah, we got time, we got time, we got time.

SPEAKER_03 (53:20):
So it the question was best advice for dealing with
a breakup while she's pregnant.

SPEAKER_05 (53:28):
That's a hard one.
I mean, it it really is.
It is um, but with the the twominutes, right?
What I'm gonna say is rememberthat the the breakup does not
mean that you cannot cohesivelyco-parent, right?
It is going to be important thatboth the father and the mother

(53:50):
deal with their emotions, dealwith their resentment, right?
Allowing still for the otherperson to be a parent, right?
And so remember, you you youbroke up with your significant
other, you didn't break up withyour child.
Those those two things are notsynonymous.

SPEAKER_06 (54:13):
I love that.
Yeah, Dr.
Will, did you want to saysomething?

SPEAKER_03 (54:17):
Yes, I think understanding that the mental
obligation and the emotionalattachment can sometimes get
cloudy, but we have tounderstand that once again, who
I am as a father and who I am toyou needs to be very clear and
needs to be very transparent,and to know that we can still

(54:40):
raise this child because wewill, yeah, right?
Yeah, and so we have tonormalize that.
Your your your relationshipdidn't fail, you didn't even
start yet, but it starts nowthat you understand.
So, you know, it's easier whenthe baby is not present, so then
you can actually create whatit's like to live together,
what's the routine, what's thelifestyle, what's you know,

(55:03):
let's create that now.
Let's create the village now.
So I think it's so important tounderstand what type of village
you're gonna create, even whenyou may not be in the same home.

SPEAKER_06 (55:13):
I love that.
Beautiful.
I love that.
All right, my beautiful P.
I thank y'all so much.
This was good, it went very,very smooth again.
Aquila, I want to thank you forjust coming on and just sharing
your insights and yourexpertise.
Uh, it was just flowing likeboom, boom, boom.
Do you have any last words forour listeners and where they can

(55:34):
find you at?
Um, if they want any of yourservices, please share.

SPEAKER_05 (55:39):
Absolutely.
I am founder ofsupportiveadvice.com or
supportive advice.
And so you can find me onsupportiveadvice.com.
I also have a radio show calledDamage Control that airs on um
Thursdays at one o'clock.
So you can definitely check usout.
I also have a podcast and somany other things.

(56:00):
So definitely make sure you findme on social media, aweekly mft.
And I look forward to meetingwith you.

SPEAKER_06 (56:09):
Beautiful.
I'm gonna have to have you backon here so we can have a
one-on-one conversation.
Oh, yes, yes, I would love that.
Thank you so much for having meon.
All right, Dr.
Will, I know you'll be back herenext week, but what you got to
say on this week?

SPEAKER_03 (56:23):
Yeah, of course.
Be kind to yourself and healalways.

SPEAKER_06 (56:30):
I love it, I love it.
He knows I'm just messing withhim because this is I'm not
gonna say nothing up.

SPEAKER_03 (56:35):
You're not pulling it.
Like, you're not pulling me out.
You're not pulling me out.

SPEAKER_06 (56:39):
Again, again, look, um, I knowwe talk, but let's do the walk,
let's support by doing donating.
When I say 100%, we getsnothing.
We get we gets nothing.
And so all of those stories thatyou hear today, trust and

(57:01):
believe there are stories thatare probably more challenging
than that than that, and thatneed help.
And we need the the funds to beable to help that.
It goes, everything goes tomental health america.
Again, you can go toaxeniomi.com, you could um push
the donate button right there,go over there and hit it.
But first of all, let me saythis because I didn't say this.

(57:22):
I want to thank everyone thathas um donated thus far.
Thank you so much for comingthrough and donating thus far.
But show them what Axe Naomi cando, show them what BTG crew can
do.
This is something that I want todo every year.
I want to show our support.
This is one of the one of thefirst of many, you know, um

(57:44):
causes that we want to do.
So come on, let's show up, let'sput our best foot forward in
this, in doing this, you know.
Um, I also want to say, youknow, just supporting others, it
don't mean sacrificing yourpeace.
It doesn't.
It does not.
You are so worthy of love,safety and care.

(58:06):
Safety and care.
When I say that, just lookingback in my childhood and just
seeing so many relationshipsthat were caused by mental
health and people didn't know ordidn't have no place to go.
Now they're due.
Now it's somewhere to help.
We're removing the stigma.

(58:27):
We're getting educated.
Programs like this is happening.
We have people like Aquila andDr.
Will that are out there doingthe work.
So don't be ashamed.
If you guys have any questions,if you want to share your story
with us, you can email me ataxnyomi at gmail.com and I will
spell Naomi for you N-Y-O-M-I.

(58:50):
So that's A-S-K-N-Y-O-M-I.
And join us next week for weekthree of love and mental health,
where we are diving into couplestherapy and mental health with
special guest Terry Christie.
And it's going to be anotherpowerful, powerful.
You want to say something, Dr.
Pal Mike, before we go?
We all good.

SPEAKER_04 (59:10):
We all good.

SPEAKER_06 (59:11):
All right, so it's great show.
So until then, keep loving, keephealing, and always protect your
mind and your heart.
Remember, be good to one anotherin yourself.
And always keep this.
All right, my beautiful peopleto God is name.
Banks.
And if you enjoyed today'sepisode, I want to make sure to
follow us on all major podcastsat Podcast, at Apple Podcasts,

(59:32):
Apple Podcasts, and iHeartRadio.
And join our live shows everyweek to be a part of our
interactive community and steeryour stuff.
But also, if you want to takeyour journey to the next level,
well, visit our website forexclusive content, relationship
workbooks, and upcoming books.
As well as follow me on socialmedia at Naomi for data

(59:54):
inspiration.
At that moment, and I've got tospell Naomi for you that in
Young.
Yes, again, this is your wholetime.
Oh, okay.

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