TALK TO ME TUESDAY Episode 3: How Do I Co-Parent with Someone I Can't Stand

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
All right, my beautiful people.
Well, welcome to Talk To MeTuesday here on Axe Naomi
Bridget Cap.
Join me here every Tuesday forsome real issues, real
conversation as I answer thoseAxe Naomi letter.

(00:24):
Right, alright, right, allright, my sexy people.
Well, welcome back to anotherTalk to Me Tuesday here on Axe
Naomi Bridget and the GapPodcast.
And if you're new here, welcomeback.
And if you are, well, welcome,welcome, welcome.
And if you've been rocking withme, thank you for being here.
But today we are tackling one ofthe hardest parts of divorce.
And that's when you have kids.
Co-parenting when someone thatyou can't stand, oh, well, maybe

(00:47):
you're still angry, or maybethey're difficult, or maybe
every conversation turns into anargument, but you got the kids
together, so you can't just walkaway.
So, how do you do it?
How do you co-parent withsomeone who drives you crazy,
who hurt you, who you rathernever speak to again?
That's what we're diving intoday.

(01:09):
So I want you to grab yourcoffee, take a deep breath,
because let's talk about it, allright?
All right, so today we got aletter from Randy, and Randy

(01:30):
writes, Dear Naomi, I've beendivorced for almost two years
now, and I thought things wouldget easier by now.
But co-parenting with my ex is anightmare.
Every conversation turns into afight.
She questions every decision Imake with the kids.
She changes the schedule lastminute, and she expects me to
just deal with it.

(01:50):
She talks badly about me infront of our kids, and I can I
can see it affecting them.
I've tried to be the biggerperson.
I've tried to keep things civilwith the kids for the kids'
sake, but honestly, I can'tstand her.
I don't trust her.
And every time I have the tocommunicate with her, I feel my
blood pressure rises.
My kids are seven and ten, soI've got years of this ahead of

(02:13):
me.
How do I co-parent with someonethat I can barely have a
conversation with?
How do I protect my kids fromthe tension without letting her
walk over me, Randy?
Mm-hmm.
Randy, man, I feel you.
I really do.
You know, because co-parentingwith someone that you no longer

(02:33):
are in love with or someone whohurts you, someone you don't
trust, that's one of the hardestthings that you can ever have to
do.

But here's the thing (02:41):
you are asking the right question.
And that tells me that you arealready on the right path.
So let's talk about it.
Let's talk about why it is sovery hard with co-parenting.
Why is it so hard?
And I got some key points foryou right now.
So let's talk about why I got onco-parenting so damn hard right

(03:02):
now.
Because I think we need toacknowledge the first thing.
First, you are forced to stayconnected to someone that you're
trying to move on from.
You're trying to move on fromthis person.
And if you didn't have the kids,you can easily cut ties.
You can block their number.
You can never see them again,right?
But you don't, but you can't.

(03:22):
You can't do that.
You have to talk to them.
You have to see them atdrop-offs, school events,
birthdays, and all that otherthings.
You're tiffing to these personsfor the rest of your life, and
that's hard.
Let me be honest.
I'm gonna tell you this with myum and I'm gonna share this.
With my first ex, I used to saythis.
This is a running joke.

(03:43):
I used to I wish I would have,you know, off them off in in
Vietnam War, knowing that I'mI'm I'm too young to even
envision that, to say that.
But that was like a running jokethat I used to have because in
the beginning, we had a verytoxic co-parenting, you know,
situation going on with that,um, with our co-parenting.

(04:05):
And it was very hard because Ibelieve on both ends we hurt one
another and we did not know howto deal with that, you know.
And then, second, therelationship patterns that
existed in the marriage, in themarriage, and it don't just
disappear because you gotdivorced.
There's still a residual of hurtthat goes along with that.

(04:27):
So if you struggle tocommunicate within the marriage,
if they were strugglingcommunication within it, trust
and believe there is going to bestruggling in communication now.
Because the divorce does noterase any of those dynamics, it
just changes the context of it,and that's what we seem to
forget.
And the third is the emotions.

(04:50):
The emotions are high becauseyour kids are now involved.
This isn't just about you andyour ex anymore, it's about your
babies.
And when you feel like your exis undermining you and talking
barely about you or not puttingthe kids first, that triggers

(05:10):
something permanent in you.
You want to protect your kids,and that makes every conflict
feel bigger than it is.
And fourth, you're grieving.
You're grieving the familystructure that you wanted for
your kids.
You wanted them to grow up in atwo-parent home.
You wanted family dinners andvacations and holidays together.

(05:33):
And now what?
They're gone.
So every time you have toco-parent, it's a reminder of
what you lost.
And that hurts.
So, Randy, all of that is valuedof what you're feeling.
It all is valid, and all of thatis real.
And I want you to know that itis okay to feel frustrated, it

(05:54):
is okay to feel angry.
But here's the truth them babiesare watching, your kids are
watching, they are watching howyou handle the conflict, they
are watching how you treat theirmother, they are watching how
you respond.
They are watching, they arewatching how you respond when

(06:15):
things don't go your way.
And what they learn, and whatthey learn from that, you will
now shape how they handlerelationships for the rest of
their lives.
So even though it's hard,especially because it's hard for
you, you have to figure out howto do this right.

(06:39):
How to do this right.
And I'm gonna share this withyou.
That is one reason why I createdthe season of self-love, my
other podcast, is because I knewthat it's it's much deeper than
that that self-love.
I knew that self-love is onlythe foundation for not only for

(07:01):
ourselves, but also for ourfamily.
But also for our family.
Because I knew I had threequeens.
That's my daughters.
I have three daughters.
So I knew that I'm the part oftheir foundation.
I am the core.
And so I knew I needed to getmyself right to be able to help

(07:22):
them to get their self right.
So whatever comes from them thatwill be right.
So we don't be around herecreating a bunch of broken women
that will, you know, get inconnection with someone else
that could create other brokenpeople.
You understand what I'm saying?
So now this next section thatwe're gonna talk about is the

(07:43):
mindset shift that's needed tomake.
There's a mindset shift thatneeded to make.
So now you know, as I just spokereal quickly about me
understanding and knowing why Ineeded to have created the
season of self-love, right?
So now we're gonna talk aboutnow on this mindset shift that

(08:05):
you, Randy, and whoever else islistening right now need to make
so you can go on to surviveco-parenting.
With mindset shift number one,your ex is no longer your
partner.
I want you to think of her nowas your co-worker.
So now, anyone that is divorcedand now is co-parent, I want you

(08:25):
to think of that ex as yourco-worker.
And I want you to think aboutco-parenting like a business
partnership.
You and your ex are co-CEOs ofyour kids' lives.
And you don't have to like eachother, you don't even have to be

(08:46):
friends, you don't even have torespect each other personally,
but you do have to work togetherprofessionally.
So when she sends you a textthat pisses you off, don't
respond like an ex-husband,respond like a business partner.
Keep it brief, keep it factual,keep your emotions out of it.

(09:06):
And I know y'all saying Naomi,for real, that's that's your
kids.
That's your, but the thing isthat right now you don't know
how to control yourselfemotionally.
So you have to take it, so youhave to take it to where it's
the business um level of it.
You understand?
Okay, let me let's go this way.
Now I have to I have to changethe way that I think of this.

(09:29):
Because I'm not gonna f up myjob, are you?
You're not gonna f up your job,you're not gonna f up your
money.
So let me change that mindset.
And let's be real, people thinkabout they ain't gonna mess up
their money.
The messed up thing, I mess upmy kids, though.
That's fucked up.
But that's the realization ofit.
So let's switch it.

(09:52):
Now my ex-wife is now my ex, my,my, my co-worker.
She's my coworker now.
And our children, they're ourbusiness.
They're where we work at.
That's who they are.
And we're growing this businessto be a successful business.

(10:14):
I know it sounds fucked up, butwe in this fucked up world
together.
Y'all got it, y'all followingme.
I know I'm gonna get some emailsabout this, but just follow,
follow along with me.
All right.
So my chef too, my uh shift two.
So you're not just doing thisfor your ex, you're doing this
for the kids.

(10:36):
You're doing this for your kids.
So every time you want to snapback, every time you want to
argue, every time you want toprove you're right, I want you
to pause.
I want you to pause and I wantyou to ask yourself, is this
helping my kids or is this justfeeding my ego?

Because here's the thing (10:56):
your kids don't care who's right,
they don't care who started thefight, they just want their
parents to get along.
So when you choose to be thebigger person, when you choose
to stay calm, when you choosenot to engage in a drama, you're
not doing it for her, you aredoing it for them.

(11:20):
And mind shift number three, youcannot control your ex.
But you can control yourself.
So, Randy, you said that shequestions your decision, she
changes the schedules and shetalks badly about you.

(11:41):
And yeah, that's that'sfrustrating and it will piss
anyone off.
But here's what you need toaccept: you cannot control her
behavior, you cannot make her bereasonable, and you can't make
her co-parent the way that youwant her to.
You can't make her stop talkingbadly about you, but you know
what you can control?
Your response.

(12:01):
You can control whether youengage in an argument or walk
away.
You can control whether your badmouth her back or take the high
road.
You can control the energy youbring into your home when your
kids are with you.
And I want you to focus on whatyou can control and let go of

(12:23):
the rest.
And I know that it's hard anddifficult, but you can do it.

And mindset shift four (12:30):
let go of the need to win.
Co-parenting is not acompetition, it's not about
proving that you're the betterparent, it's not about making
her look bad or him look bad,it's not about winning.
The only win that matters israising healthy, happy,

(12:52):
well-adjusted kids.
And you can't do that if you'reconstantly fighting with their
mom or with the other spouse,and I'm speaking in general
right now.
So let go of the need to beright, let go of the need to
have the last word, let go ofthe need to prove anything to

(13:14):
her.
Trust and believe me when I sayyour kids will see the truth,
they'll see who shows up,they'll see who's consistent,
they'll see who puts them first.
You don't need to proveanything.
And when I say this, I'm tellingyou this.
I've done this in my own life.

(13:42):
With my own ex, I've I have notspoken bad to my child about
them at all.
They see it for themselves.
I even try to explain to themthat it's not them.

(14:04):
And it's not that they don'tlove them because they do love
them.
And people say, Why are youmaking excuses for them?
And that and it's not excuses.
Well, I don't see them asexcuses the way that I was
explaining them.

(14:25):
But I wanted to make sure thatmy girls knew that they were
loved.
I only could give them so muchlove.
But I knew that the people who Ichose, now that I know that they
were broken, we were brokenpeople choosing one another that
created other broken people.

(14:47):
But I am in my healing process,I'm in my healing journey, and
so I know what I'm doing, I knowwhat to do.
And so, whatever book of healingI'm going, or whatever therapy
that I'm going, or anything thatI'm learning, I give the and I
share with my girls.

(15:09):
So even though my girls are 30,33 in 20, 22, will be 23 and 13,
23, 30, they all 10 years apart,22.
Yeah, but two are grown.
I'm still parenting them.
Parent, it doesn't stop.

(15:30):
And I will continue to do sountil the day I'm I'm gone from
this earth.
And then I will come back in myspirit and still be doing it.
But you understand what I'msaying?
I know that I cannot controltheir fathers, I cannot control
them, but I can control the waythat I respond.
I just know that I need to be inmy and my saying and my right,

(15:54):
and for me and my truth,truthness, and show them the
best version of me, my authenticseven, my version, so they can
see the realness.
So then they know the differencewhen someone is speaking on me.
They die, no, that's not mymama.
And they know the difference,and they know when it's coming

(16:14):
from a hurt place, theyunderstand what that looks like,
and that will be the same foryou and your children.
I don't know if you have twodaughters or two sons, but they
will know the difference.
And the kids are not stupid,they're not at all.
They might see things in adifferent perspective, but trust
and believe they will see andthey will know.
And as they get older, theywould know which is which.

(16:39):
All right, and so for the nextone, we're gonna talk about
practical strategies when itcomes down to co-parenting with
the difficult X, all right?
All right, so here are somestrategies that will help you to
co-parent with the difficult X.
Strategy one, I'm gonna usewritten communication.
So, Randy, you said everyconversation turns into a fight,

(17:00):
right?
So stop having conversations.
Use text or email instead.
Written communication gives youtime to think before you
respond.
It keeps things documented andyou need that, and it removes
the emotional intensity of aphone call or a face-to-face
conversation.
So when she texts you somethingthat makes you angry, don't

(17:22):
respond immediately.
Take a breath, walk away, comeback when you're calm, then
respond with facts and notfeelings.
Strategy number two, set clearboundaries and stick to them.
If she changes the schedule lastminute, that's a boundary issue.
So set a boundary.
I need at least 48 hours' noticefor any schedule changes.

(17:45):
And if you can't give me that, Ican't accommodate that change.
And then stick to it.
Don't cave just because she getsupset.
Don't feel guilty for enforcingyour boundaries.
Boundaries aren't mean, they'renecessary.
So very necessary.
And strategy three, don't engagein the drama.

(18:07):
Use the gray rock method.
All right, so the gray rockmethod means you become as
boring and uninterested as agray rock.
So when she tries to start herargument, you don't take the
bait.
You give a short neutralresponse.
And here you go.
You never listen to me.

(18:27):
This is an example.
You never listen to me.
You always do whatever you wantwith the kids.
And you say, I hear you.
I'll keep that in mind.
That's it.
You're not defending yourself,no explaining, no arguing.
You become a gray rock.
And eventually you stop tryingto get a reaction out of you

(18:49):
because it's not working.
So you see that?
Strategy for keep conversationkid focused.
Every conversation with your exshould be about the kids only,
not about your feelings, notabout the past, not about what
she did wrong, just the kids.
What time is the pickup onFriday?

(19:10):
Did you sign a permission slipon for the field trip?
The kids need new winter coats.
Can we split the cost?
That's it.
And if she tries to veer offinto personal territory
redirected, I'm not discussingthat.
Let's focus on the kids.
Direct boundaries.
That bam, bam, bam.
Strategy five, documenteverything.

(19:33):
Document everything.
Randy, when you say she talksbarely about you in front of the
kids and she changes theschedule at last minute,
document it.
Keep a record of every text,every email, every schedule
change, every incident.
And I'm not saying that you needto take her to court, but if

(19:53):
things escalate, if you need tomodify the custody agreements,
if you have one, if you need toprove a pattern of behavior, you
have the evidence right therewith you.
And actually they got aparenting app.
So strategy six, um, they have aparenting app if necessary, and
these are some of them becausemy oldest daughter uses them.
One of them is our familywizard.

(20:16):
That's one of them.
The other one is cozy, C-O-Z-I,or talking parents.
That's specifically designed forco-parenting.
And they have shared calendarsthere, they have messaging
boards, they have expensetracking, and everything is
documented in there, and that'sa good one.
And some courts even requirethem.

(20:38):
So if communicating with your exis that toxic, I'd suggest using
that app because it keepseverything, and I mean
everything organized andneutral.
And then strategy seven.
Never bad mouth your ex in frontof the kids.

(21:01):
I never tolerated that formyself and even those around me,
I wouldn't when I allowed themto do that to their fathers.
I will never, no, not in frontof them.
Not in front of the kids.
I don't care how much she talksbadly about you.
I don't care how unfair it is,you do not want to badmouth her

(21:23):
in front of your kids.
Ever.
Your kids love their mom.
So when you talk badly abouther, they feel like you're
attacking a part of them.
It puts them in the middle.
It makes them feel like theyhave to choose sides.
And that is so damaging.
So if your kids come to you andsay, Mom said you don't care

(21:45):
about us, don't defend yourselfby attacking her.
Just say, I'm sorry you heardthat.
That must have been confusing.
I love you very much, and Ialways hear for you.
Let your actions speak louderthan her words.

(22:05):
Let your actions speak louderthan your words.
It's so funny when I thoughtabout doing this episode, I
laughed about it because I'mlike, oh my God, I I lived this.
I lived this during my firstmarriage.
Um, during during my firstdivorce, just going through
this.
And I was like, wow, um, it gotbetter.

(22:28):
You know what I'm saying?
It got better as, you know, itgot better, and then it got
rocky again.
But it was like I was just sohappy that I kind of kept um, I
just kept thinking about thegirls.
I just kept putting them first.
I kept putting the girl firstregardless of what our
relationship was.
I kept putting the girls first.

(22:49):
And I guess one thing that I didtry to do, and that I I think um
I was missing up, I was tryingto continue to be his friend.
And I'm just sharing this withyou because I wanted to make
sure that he knew that he cancontinue to be in the in their
life.

(23:09):
I wanted him to be good in theirlife, if that makes sense.
And so I was over um beingover-friendly for them to make
sure, like, you know, you good,like, you know, take care of
your business.
I got you over here on this end.
And then sometimes it will itbit me in my butt.

(23:31):
It bit me in my butt.
Um, you know, because I I I Ibelieve I I under, and I want to
say I under, I underestimatedthe hurt between our situation.
I I and even though it's been solong, I still did not understand

(23:55):
the hurt that I caused um forhim in this relationship, in our
relationship that caused himthat much pain.
And so when you don't understandthat, and even though you can
take accountability forwhatever, you you still can't
tell a person how to heal fromthat.

(24:17):
But but in still co-parenting isone of the hardest things,
especially if that other personis not willing to go through the
healing process for themselvesand look at and and and put the
kids first to heal for not onlyfor yourself, but for your
children.
It's because you, you know, youare connected for the rest of

(24:38):
your life because there areanother um generation that's um
hopefully coming after that.
You know, there's grandkids andthen great-grandkids, you know,
there's weddings, you know,that's hopefully coming out.
I mean, you want to want that tobe, you know, a part of your
legacies.
You know, you want legacy seeds,you know, a bunch of them.

(25:00):
And it's unfortunate that thatit happens like that.
You, you know what I'm saying?
Even to this day, I I pray thatall of the exes that I've been a
part of, that I've been a partin their lives is that whatever
that I've done to them to causeany pain, that they can heal
from it.
You know, um, I think we were ineach other's lives for a reason.

(25:24):
Um, whatever hurt that we'vedone to one another, my prayers
that we both have healed fromthat.
And I know that I've healed fromwhatever that's been done to me.
Um, and I've learned from those.
I learned from those, thoseissues and those pains, you
know, as well as my prayers thatthey did as well.
But then we can move on fromthat, you know, period.
But everybody is not like that.

(25:44):
Everybody's not looking for thathealing moment.
And it's unfortunate thatsometimes children come out of
those relationships.
And so it's like, what do we do?
So then it's that when what dowe do when your ex won't
co-parent?
That's another thing.
So let's talk about this.
Um, Randy, here's the hardtruth.

(26:06):
You know, sometimes no matterhow hard you try, your ex won't
co-parent.
They just won't.
They won't communicate, theywon't compromise, and they won't
put the kids first.
If that's the case, you need toshift from co-parenting to
parallel parenting.
Parallel parenting means thatyou each parent independently.

(26:28):
So when the kids are with you,you minimize the communication.
You don't try to co-parenttogether.
You just parent separately.
So when that child is with you,you do what you do with that
child there.
And when that child is with thatperson, they do it there.
You follow the custody agreementto the letter, and you do you do
not disengage from the and youjust disengage from the drama.

(26:51):
Period.
It's not ideal, but sometimesit's the only way to protect
your peace and your kids.
So when you involve a mediatoror a therapist, you know, if
communication has completelybroken down, you consider
bringing in a neutral thirdparty.
I had to do that with my firstchild, you know, with a mediator
and stuff like that.

(27:12):
Um and it's hard to to to bringin a third party.
Um for me, because I was youngerand it was hard to do that, but
then now I understand why it'sneeded at times to do that,

(27:35):
because they can uh help tocreate a parenting plan, and
they are able to help to setboundaries and facilitate
communication.
But also, what it does is isthis is what it did for me
because it it created what I'vealready had put forth with
boundaries and setting plans,but it showed, but it it allowed

(27:59):
the court to see that person forwho that person was.
So what I was seeing in court ofwhat that person wasn't doing,
it showed up and they showed outand they revealed themselves to
the court, like, oh, so he washis lion.
That's what that showed.
So for me, at first I was like,no, I didn't want that.
But then it worked in my favor,like, yes, this this needed to

(28:23):
be done so we can see, you know,this is what it is, you know.
So here and it it and it helps,you know, it helps a lot with a
lot of things.
So if your your if your ex isconstantly, um, consistently
violating the custom andagreements and putting the kids
in danger, that that wasn'tsomething you do, but we're

(28:44):
constantly putting it oralienating um them from you, it
might be a time to go back tocourt or you know, talking to
the lawyer, understand youroptions, or or even if, you
know, with the bad talking oranything like that, make them
feel uncomfortable, you know,that to do that.
But I know court can be the lastresort because it is very

(29:04):
expensive and it's verystressful, and it's this hard on
the kids.
So, you know, to exhaust all ofthat or any option first, I want
you to just focus on the controlthat you can do in your own
home, in your own home.
And at the end of the day, youcan't control what happens at
your ex house.
You can't.
I know you want to, I know y'allwant to, but you cannot control

(29:26):
who's at your ex-house.
You can't control who they date.
I know you want to.
Oh my God, I know you want to,but you can't.
You have to trust and believethat they got the best interests
in mind, ma'am.
But you can't control whathappens at yours.
So, what you can do is you cancreate a stable and loving,

(29:49):
peaceful environment for yourkids when they are with you.
Be consistent, be present, bethe parent that they can count
on, and they'll remember thatalways.
They always remember that.
So, here's the bottom line.
Here's the bottom line, Randy.
Co-parenting with someone thatyou can't stand is one of the

(30:12):
hardest things that you can everdo.
But it's also one of the mostimportant.
Your kids didn't ask for thedivorce, they didn't even ask to
be in here, they didn't ask tobe caught in the middle.
They just want to love both oftheir parents without feeling
guilty about it.
So even when it's hard,especially when it's hard, you
have to show up.

(30:34):
You have to be the biggerperson, you have to put the kids
first.
That doesn't mean you let yourex walk all over you.
It doesn't mean you don't setboundaries, it doesn't mean that
you don't protect yourself, butit does mean you choose peace
over being right.
You choose your kids' well-beingover your ego, and you choose to

(30:55):
be the parent they deserve evenwhen their mom isn't doing the
same.
And here's the beautiful part isyour kids are watching and
they're learning.
And one day when they are older,they look back and they see who
showed up and who stayed calmand who put them first, and
they'll thank you for it.

(31:15):
So you keep going, Randy.
You're doing better than youthink.
And also I want to tell you thistoo.
You know, find you a group ofpeople that you can talk to, you
know, that you can truly talkto, and that's gonna be there
for you, and it's not gonnajudge you.
You know, I know a lot of peopleyou you talk to, they want to
give you that rah-rah.
When I mean rah-rah, you need togo in.

(31:37):
No, you need somebody that youcan really talk to.
And we like, you know, just bethere to hold your hand and be
that shoulder that you needright there in that reasonable
point.
Because this is not the timethat you rah-rah.
If your kids are not in any umdangerous situation with your
ex, and it's just the pettyargument back and forth and the

(31:59):
the the he say she stuff, andit's not that, then you know,
you you you understand, but butyou you're doing you you you got
this.
You got this.
Well, all right, my sexy people,that is it for today's Talk to
Me Tuesday.
So if you are co-parent with adifficult accent, if you are
struggling to keep the peace forkids' sake, I want you to know

(32:21):
that you're not alone.
And if you are doing a crediblejob, because you are, and if you
want more support on this topic,head over to axnyomi.com.
I got a free guide called theCo-Parenting Survivor Guide with
scripts, strategies, andboundaries that you can
implement today.
Download it, use it, it'll help.
And if you have any questionsand you want me to answer them

(32:42):
on any future talk to meTuesday, send it to info at
axeni.com.
I am here for you.
All right, so until nextTuesday, always keep it so, so,
so so sexy, my beautiful people.
Until next time, have a goodone.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}TALK TO ME TUESDAY Episode 3: How Do I Co-Parent with Someone I Can't Stand

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TALK TO ME TUESDAY Episode 3: How Do I Co-Parent with Someone I Can't Stand

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