April 7, 2026 • 22 mins
K-Hustle was in the chat the night of the live show — talking, commenting, keeping the energy going. And then they sat down and wrote Nyomi a letter.
K is 42 years old, from Daytona Beach, Florida. Their breakup was a year ago. And it still feels like yesterday. The sore is still open and fresh. And they still believe in love — they still want to find it again — but they don't know how to get from here to there.
In this episode, Nyomi answers that letter with everything she has.
She talks about why time passing is not the same as healing, what keeps a wound open even when you think you are moving on, and what it actually looks like to close the door on what was — and claim the space on the other side.
This one is raw, real, and personal. And if you have ever loved someone and lost them and wondered why it still hurts so much — this episode is for you.
What we cover: — Why a year can still feel like yesterday (and what it really means) — The habits that reset your healing clock without you realizing it — Four real steps to actually claim the space that relationship left behind — Why still believing in love after heartbreak is one of the most powerful things you can say — Why healing comes before dating — and what changes when you get that right
Plus — a natural tie-in to this month's Season of Self-Love theme: Unashamed Growth. Because the space that relationship left behind? It belongs to you now. The question is what you are going to grow in it.
New episodes every Tuesday. Submit your letter at info@asknyomi.com — that's Nyomi with a Y. Always Keep It So Sexy. — Nyomi, Da Goddess of Self Love | AskNyomi.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/ask-nyomi-bridging-the-gap-podcast--5343726/support.
"Thank you for joining me on Ask Nyomi: Bridging The Gap. Remember, your sexuality is sacred, your desires are valid, and honest conversations create deeper connections.
If today's episode helped you see things differently, share it with someone who needs this conversation. And please rate and review the show.
Follow me on Instagram @TheRealNyomiBanks and @AskNyomi send your questions – this show exists because of YOU. Visit us at AskNyomi.Com
Until Thursday – stay curious, stay open, stay authentic.
This is your girl Nyomi Banks. Keep bridging that gap." Always keep it Simply Sexy"
K is 42 years old, from Daytona Beach, Florida. Their breakup was a year ago. And it still feels like yesterday. The sore is still open and fresh. And they still believe in love — they still want to find it again — but they don't know how to get from here to there.
In this episode, Nyomi answers that letter with everything she has.
She talks about why time passing is not the same as healing, what keeps a wound open even when you think you are moving on, and what it actually looks like to close the door on what was — and claim the space on the other side.
This one is raw, real, and personal. And if you have ever loved someone and lost them and wondered why it still hurts so much — this episode is for you.
What we cover: — Why a year can still feel like yesterday (and what it really means) — The habits that reset your healing clock without you realizing it — Four real steps to actually claim the space that relationship left behind — Why still believing in love after heartbreak is one of the most powerful things you can say — Why healing comes before dating — and what changes when you get that right
Plus — a natural tie-in to this month's Season of Self-Love theme: Unashamed Growth. Because the space that relationship left behind? It belongs to you now. The question is what you are going to grow in it.
New episodes every Tuesday. Submit your letter at info@asknyomi.com — that's Nyomi with a Y. Always Keep It So Sexy. — Nyomi, Da Goddess of Self Love | AskNyomi.com
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/ask-nyomi-bridging-the-gap-podcast--5343726/support.
"Thank you for joining me on Ask Nyomi: Bridging The Gap. Remember, your sexuality is sacred, your desires are valid, and honest conversations create deeper connections.
If today's episode helped you see things differently, share it with someone who needs this conversation. And please rate and review the show.
Follow me on Instagram @TheRealNyomiBanks and @AskNyomi send your questions – this show exists because of YOU. Visit us at AskNyomi.Com
Until Thursday – stay curious, stay open, stay authentic.
This is your girl Nyomi Banks. Keep bridging that gap." Always keep it Simply Sexy"
ASK NYOMI: BRIDGING THE GAP
Host: Nyomi Banks (Da Goddess of Self Love)
Co-Host: Dog Pound Mike Mike
Thank you for tuning in! We appreciate you being part of the BTG community
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Email: info@asknyomi.com
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Talk To Me Tuesday: Listener Letters Podcast (Returns Fall 2026)
The Season of Self Love: Monday Mindset & Wednesday Action (YouTube, Spotify, all platforms)
2026 THEME: "Reclaimed & Unashamed
Be good to one another and yourselves.
Always keep it sexy.
— Nyomi Banks, Da Goddess of Self Love
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Talk to me Tuesday here on Axe Naomi Britannica.
Join me here every Tuesday forsome real issues, real
conversations as I answer someof those Axe Naomi letters.
(00:24):
Hey my sexy people, but welcomeback to another Talk to Me
Tuesday here on Axe NaomiBridging the Gap Podcast.
And if you are new here, welcometo the family.
And if you have been rockingwith me, I want to thank you for
showing up.
I see you and I truly, trulyappreciate you.
Now, before we get into today'sletter, I have to give a little
love to somebody.
(00:45):
Um, because today's letteractually came from somebody who
I actually met on a live show.
Um, this person was in the chatthe other night.
They were one of the ones whowere doing all the talking, all
the commenting, all the input.
And if you watch um Axe Naomi umum bridging the gap live show
last week, you know exactly whoI'm talking about.
They're one of the ones who keptthe whole energy going
(01:07):
throughout the chat.
So, um, Kay, we're gonna call itKay Hustle.
Uh, I see you.
I want to thank you for justtrusting me with this, and I
want to thank you for justwriting it in because I know
that this one took courage.
So today we are talking aboutsomething that every single one
of us has been through (01:24):
a broken heart.
How do you actually get overone?
How do you heal when the woundis still open a full year later?
How?
And how do you find your wayback to love when love is the
very thing that hurt you?
(01:44):
All right, y'all.
Let's get into it.
All right, today's letter comesfrom Kay.
Um, they're 42 years old fromDayton Beach, Florida, and they
(02:06):
write, Hello, Miss Naomi.
My name is Kay.
I'm 42 years old from DaytonBeach, Florida.
And the other night I tuned intoyour show about long-distance
love, bedroom toys, and whenhe's intimidated.
I was one doing all of thetalking and commenting on the
chat, and I am, let's say, KayHustle.
(02:26):
Anyway, girl, the way I loveyour channel, especially the
piece you did about um whatyou've learned from all your
exes, that really hit home.
Miss Naomi, my reason forwriting is I'm going through a
painful breakup.
My ex and I broke up a year ago,but it feels like it happened
yesterday.
I'm trying to get over the hurt,the pain, in order to move on.
(02:49):
But that sore um is still open.
The sore is still open andfresh, and I want the hurt and
the pain to go away.
I still believe in love, and Ido want to find love again.
I want to give love anotherchance and date again, but what
should I do, Miss Naomi?
Any input will be appreciated,Kay.
(03:12):
Well, Kay, first of all, I wantto say thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
First, thank you for watching.
Thank you for showing up in thechat the way that you did, and
thank you for just beingvulnerable enough to write this
because I know that it wasn'teasy.
And I want you to hear me when Isay this.
I truly want you to hear me whenI say this.
What you are feeling iscompletely real.
(03:35):
A year might sound like a longtime to people on the outside,
but pain does not run on acalendar.
Pain does not run on a calendar.
And the fact that it still hurtsis this much tells me something
important.
And we're going to get into itright now.
(03:55):
You know, one of the bigquestions is why a year can
still feel like yesterday,right?
So the first thing I want toaddress this is Kay, is that
you've been broken up for ayear, and it still feels like it
happened yesterday.
And you might be askingyourself, what is wrong with me?
Why am I not over this yet?
(04:16):
And again, I need you to hear meclearly.
There's absolutely nothing wrongwith you.
Nothing.
Here's the truth aboutheartbreaker that nobody tells
you.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
(04:38):
Let me say that again becausesomebody today needs to hear
that.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
You can be a year out fromsomething and still be bleeding
if you never actually treatedthat wound.
I want you to think about itthis way.
(04:58):
If you cut your hand and youjust cover it up and you kept
moving, that wound does not healjust because time passes.
It festers, it stays raw, andyou have to actually tend to it.
You have to treat it.
And most of us after a breakup,we we do not do that.
We don't do nothing.
We stay busy, we keep moving, wetell people we are fine.
(05:22):
We cry in a car or in the showerwhere nobody can see us.
But we do not actually sit withthe pain and do the work of
healing it.
It's okay.
I'm not worried that you arestill hurting a year later.
(05:42):
I'm more interested in askingyou what you've been doing with
your year.
And I mean that with love, notjudgment, because most of us do
the same thing.
We survive the breakup, we donot heal it.
And I also want to say this thedepth of the pain usually
(06:03):
matches the depth of theinvestment.
You love that person, you areall the way in this, and that
matters.
A broken heart is not the signthat love is wrong, it's the
sign that love's real.
So you give yourself credit forthat.
You are not weak.
(06:24):
Because this is hurt, and ithurt you because you are human,
baby.
Now, here's where I want toshift this conversation because
this week on the Season ofSelf-Love podcast, I've been
(06:46):
talking about something that Ibelieve speaks directly to where
you are right now, Kay.
We have been talking aboutunashamed growth, right?
About claiming the space thatyour boundaries created.
And here is what I realized whenI read your letter.
When that relationship ended,when that breakup happened, it
created space, real space.
(07:11):
Time that you used to be withthem, with your ex, energy that
you use to go toward thatrelationship, emotional
bandwidth that was wrapped up inloving that person, that
exactly.
That space is yours now.
(07:32):
That space is yours now.
But from the sound of yourletter, you have not claimed it
yet.
So it's like you're stillstanding at the door of what
was, and the womb stays openbecause you have not stepped
into what is.
Does that make sense?
(07:55):
So the relationship is gone, butthe space is left behind, and
that belongs to you.
So the question is, what are yougoing to grow in it?
So yesterday I shared a story onDe Season of Self Love about I
(08:17):
was redesigning my bathroom, andI was redesigning it, and I had
been sitting on uh some swatchesfor a few months, and I knew
what I wanted to do with it.
I knew the color, I knew thevision, but I kept pulling back.
I kept kept thinking that I wasdoing too much with it until my
husband had stopped me and said,No, you be you.
You filled that space with yourtruth, right?
(08:39):
So, okay, you're standing in astripped room.
I want you to envision you havealready torn down the old
wallpaper down because yourrelationship is done.
You're no longer in thatrelationship with your ex,
right?
But you've been standing in thisblank room for a year, looking
(09:00):
at the bare walls, afraid topick up that paintbrush.
And here's what you need to knowis that that empty room is not a
punishment.
If you look at it, that is yourcanvas.
That is your canvas.
(09:22):
Now, here's what's keeping thatwomb open actually looks like.
I want you to answer thesequestions honestly, and not for
me.
Not for me.
I want you to answer thesequestions for yourself.
Are you still checking theirsocial media?
Even if it's just peaking, andare you still replaying
(09:44):
conversations in your head like,what should I have said, or what
could you have done differently?
And are you still holding on tothings, their text, their
pictures, something that theygave you that that you look at
on a hard night?
(10:06):
Every single one of those thingsis in a way of keeping that door
cracked open.
And what I have learned is that,and y'all know that I've been
through it myself, I shared it,but it's every time you go back
there, you reset that clock.
(10:28):
You are not a year out from thatfrom the breakup.
You are not starting over fromwhatever day you last let
yourself go back.
So the healing doesn't startwhen he leaves, the healing
starts when you decide to stopgoing back.
(10:56):
Alright, so now you want to knowhow do I actually do it?
How do I actually claim thatspace?
How do I do it, Naomi?
That's what my letter asks.
How do I do this?
(11:17):
Well, here's some real steps.
No, no, not no motivationalspeech.
These are real things.
Step one, you gotta grieve itfully.
For real this time.
Don't perform the griefs,actually.
Grieve it.
Write the letter you are nevergoing to send.
(11:38):
Say out loud what you have onlysaid in your head.
Use that language, be bold withthat language, make it big as it
actually is, because a lot of usminimize that pain.
We say it was only arelationship, it was not even a
marriage.
(12:01):
But it was big to you, and ithurt you.
So you give it the full weightthat it deserves so you can
actually move through it and outthe other side.
And in step two, create distancedeliberately, unfollow, not
(12:27):
block, not drama, just removethat person from your daily
scroll.
And I'm gonna say, go a stepfurther.
Even the friends, anybody incommon that that they might show
up on your feed for right now,create the friction between
(12:55):
yourself and the habit of goingback because you don't want to
go back.
The goal is not to hate him thatyou you don't want to hate that
person.
The goal is to stop giving themreal estate in your present
life.
Step three, I want you to namewhat you want to grow in that
(13:16):
space.
This is what we're doing allthis month on the season of
self-love, and it appliesdirectly to UK.
The time, the energy, theemotional bandwidth that's used
to go to that relationship.
It is yours now, and what do youwant to fill it with?
(13:39):
Not the next person.
No, not not that, not yet, butyou.
What did you stop when you werein that relationship?
What version of yourself gotquiet?
I want you to go find thatperson, redirect all of the love
that you gave that person, yourex.
(14:02):
Give that back to yourselffirst.
Give that back to yourselffirst.
This is where we talk aboutself-love.
And step four, take one boldvisible action this week.
Not tomorrow, not when you feelready, because here is the
truth (14:24):
you will never feel ready.
Growth does not wait for thefear to go away.
Growth happens when you act inspite of.
So that means book the class,call the friend that you have
been missing, book a life coach.
Start the thing that you put onhold, buy that green paint.
(14:48):
Do one thing this week that isyours, that has nothing to do
with that ex and everything todo with you.
Healing is not a failing, it isa decision that you make over
and over again until one day,one day you realize the wound is
(15:10):
finally closed.
It was one thing that I lovethat you said that you still
believe in love.
And that's everything.
That's everything, Kay.
So I want to camp out right herefor a moment in this section.
(15:32):
Because in that letter, when yousaid that, when you said that,
when you made that statementthat you still believe in love.
I still want to find love again.
I want to give love anotherchance.
Let me tell you something.
Do you know how powerful thatis?
(15:53):
After a painful breakup, after ayear of carrying this, after the
open womb and all of it, thatyou still believe?
That is not weakness.
That is one of the strongestthings that a person can say
after a heartbreak.
Because a lot of people get tothe other side of that close up
(16:14):
and they decide that love is notworth it.
I know I've counseled peoplethat have become so bitter and
be like, nah, it ain't for me.
I can do bad by my damn side.
I'm so serious when I say this.
So when I say that there is noweakness in you, love, so I want
(16:40):
to spend time right here withthis.
Because as I said, a lot ofpeople that get to the other
side, they close up.
They close completely up, andthey decide that love is not
worth it.
(17:01):
They put the wall up so highthat nobody can get in.
And I understand that thatinstinct, and I really do, but
what that wall actually does iskeep out the very thing that you
are saying that you still want.
Your heart is bruised and notbroken.
(17:24):
And a bruised heart that stillbelieves in love.
That is a heart that is ready toheal.
Now I say this with love, and Ido not think.
I do not think, I'm gonna saythis one more.
I'm gonna say before I even saymy next few words, I'm gonna say
this again.
(17:45):
I'm gonna put your hand out, solet me hold your hand, baby.
I say this with love.
I do not think that dating isthe move right now.
Not because that you are notworthy of dating, but because
the goal right now is not tofind the next person.
(18:06):
That's not the goal.
The goal is to find yourselfagain first, Kay.
It's to claim that space, is tobecome so full within yourself
that you are choosing love fromwholeness, from a whole person,
(18:27):
from a whole K hustle, and notfrom loneliness.
Because here is what I know fromall of my own relationships.
The partners that we attractwhen we are healed are
completely different from theones that we attract when we are
hurting, when we are lonely.
(18:47):
When we are hurting, we attractwhat feels familiar.
And familiar is not always safe.
Do the work first, claim yourspace first, heal first, and
then go find love.
Because you deserve someone whogets the heal version of you,
(19:11):
not the one who is stillcarrying somebody else's damage.
And if you want to go evendeeper on the healing side of
this, you can go back and listento my Talk to Me Tuesday episode
one on how do I actually healfrom you know after divorce, and
also tap into my season ofself-love and all of those um
(19:32):
episodes that I have right thereto really tap into self-love.
And I, you know, and Kay, Iunderstand that your breakup is
not a divorce of marriage, butit's it, but it is a sense of
(19:52):
divorce, it's a sense of deathbecause it's the death of a
relationship.
So it still has that that thatum that emotional um grief that
needs to be identified peaks toit.
It's about figuring out who youare on the other side of it.
So um let that episode work onyou too, you know.
(20:17):
All right, Kay.
Well, here is what I want toleave you with, and anyone else
that's watching.
Um, you, my love, is 42 yearsold and you've been through
something real.
But you're still standing,you're still showing up.
You're in the chat for the veryfirst time.
(20:37):
Found me in the chat, bold.
You are in your life and now inthis letter.
So you are not stuck, you are inthe process, and and that's a
difference.
If you are doing, I want you tostop measuring your healing by
how much time has passed.
(20:59):
Stop start measuring it by howoften you choose yourself over
going back.
Every time you choose you, thatis healing that's happening in
real time.
The love you want is coming.
But it's coming for the personwho you are becoming, not the
(21:21):
one who is still standing at thedoor waiting for someone who has
already left.
Does that make sense?
So I want you to close thatdoor, baby, and I want you to
lock it.
And I want you to pick up thatpaintbrush or that wallpaper or
whatever it is, and I want youto fill that space with
something beautiful that isentirely yours.
(21:46):
Because you still believe inlove, and that means that means
love is not done with you.
Love is not done with you.
All right, my sexy people, thatis it for today's Talk to Me
Tuesday.
Um, if this episode has touchedyou, share it with somebody who
needs it.
And if you have a question andyou want me to answer on future
(22:08):
episodes, send you a send aletter to info at xnaomi.com.
And that's Naomi Spell with aY-N-Y-O-MI.com.
I I read um almost every singleone.
This one just really touched me.
And I know we just had aninteraction um a few days ago,
so I knew I needed to read this.
So until next Tuesday, alwayskeep it, keep it so so sexy.
(22:31):
Take care of yourself, mybeautiful people.
Have an amazing, amazingTuesday.
Talk to me Tuesday here on Axe Naomi Britannica.
Join me here every Tuesday forsome real issues, real
conversations as I answer someof those Axe Naomi letters.
(00:24):
Hey my sexy people, but welcomeback to another Talk to Me
Tuesday here on Axe NaomiBridging the Gap Podcast.
And if you are new here, welcometo the family.
And if you have been rockingwith me, I want to thank you for
showing up.
I see you and I truly, trulyappreciate you.
Now, before we get into today'sletter, I have to give a little
love to somebody.
(00:45):
Um, because today's letteractually came from somebody who
I actually met on a live show.
Um, this person was in the chatthe other night.
They were one of the ones whowere doing all the talking, all
the commenting, all the input.
And if you watch um Axe Naomi umum bridging the gap live show
last week, you know exactly whoI'm talking about.
They're one of the ones who keptthe whole energy going
(01:07):
throughout the chat.
So, um, Kay, we're gonna call itKay Hustle.
Uh, I see you.
I want to thank you for justtrusting me with this, and I
want to thank you for justwriting it in because I know
that this one took courage.
So today we are talking aboutsomething that every single one
of us has been through (01:24):
a broken heart.
How do you actually get overone?
How do you heal when the woundis still open a full year later?
How?
And how do you find your wayback to love when love is the
very thing that hurt you?
(01:44):
All right, y'all.
Let's get into it.
All right, today's letter comesfrom Kay.
Um, they're 42 years old fromDayton Beach, Florida, and they
(02:06):
write, Hello, Miss Naomi.
My name is Kay.
I'm 42 years old from DaytonBeach, Florida.
And the other night I tuned intoyour show about long-distance
love, bedroom toys, and whenhe's intimidated.
I was one doing all of thetalking and commenting on the
chat, and I am, let's say, KayHustle.
(02:26):
Anyway, girl, the way I loveyour channel, especially the
piece you did about um whatyou've learned from all your
exes, that really hit home.
Miss Naomi, my reason forwriting is I'm going through a
painful breakup.
My ex and I broke up a year ago,but it feels like it happened
yesterday.
I'm trying to get over the hurt,the pain, in order to move on.
(02:49):
But that sore um is still open.
The sore is still open andfresh, and I want the hurt and
the pain to go away.
I still believe in love, and Ido want to find love again.
I want to give love anotherchance and date again, but what
should I do, Miss Naomi?
Any input will be appreciated,Kay.
(03:12):
Well, Kay, first of all, I wantto say thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
First, thank you for watching.
Thank you for showing up in thechat the way that you did, and
thank you for just beingvulnerable enough to write this
because I know that it wasn'teasy.
And I want you to hear me when Isay this.
I truly want you to hear me whenI say this.
What you are feeling iscompletely real.
(03:35):
A year might sound like a longtime to people on the outside,
but pain does not run on acalendar.
Pain does not run on a calendar.
And the fact that it still hurtsis this much tells me something
important.
And we're going to get into itright now.
(03:55):
You know, one of the bigquestions is why a year can
still feel like yesterday,right?
So the first thing I want toaddress this is Kay, is that
you've been broken up for ayear, and it still feels like it
happened yesterday.
And you might be askingyourself, what is wrong with me?
Why am I not over this yet?
(04:16):
And again, I need you to hear meclearly.
There's absolutely nothing wrongwith you.
Nothing.
Here's the truth aboutheartbreaker that nobody tells
you.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
(04:38):
Let me say that again becausesomebody today needs to hear
that.
Time passing does not equalhealing.
You can be a year out fromsomething and still be bleeding
if you never actually treatedthat wound.
I want you to think about itthis way.
(04:58):
If you cut your hand and youjust cover it up and you kept
moving, that wound does not healjust because time passes.
It festers, it stays raw, andyou have to actually tend to it.
You have to treat it.
And most of us after a breakup,we we do not do that.
We don't do nothing.
We stay busy, we keep moving, wetell people we are fine.
(05:22):
We cry in a car or in the showerwhere nobody can see us.
But we do not actually sit withthe pain and do the work of
healing it.
It's okay.
I'm not worried that you arestill hurting a year later.
(05:42):
I'm more interested in askingyou what you've been doing with
your year.
And I mean that with love, notjudgment, because most of us do
the same thing.
We survive the breakup, we donot heal it.
And I also want to say this thedepth of the pain usually
(06:03):
matches the depth of theinvestment.
You love that person, you areall the way in this, and that
matters.
A broken heart is not the signthat love is wrong, it's the
sign that love's real.
So you give yourself credit forthat.
You are not weak.
(06:24):
Because this is hurt, and ithurt you because you are human,
baby.
Now, here's where I want toshift this conversation because
this week on the Season ofSelf-Love podcast, I've been
(06:46):
talking about something that Ibelieve speaks directly to where
you are right now, Kay.
We have been talking aboutunashamed growth, right?
About claiming the space thatyour boundaries created.
And here is what I realized whenI read your letter.
When that relationship ended,when that breakup happened, it
created space, real space.
(07:11):
Time that you used to be withthem, with your ex, energy that
you use to go toward thatrelationship, emotional
bandwidth that was wrapped up inloving that person, that
exactly.
That space is yours now.
(07:32):
That space is yours now.
But from the sound of yourletter, you have not claimed it
yet.
So it's like you're stillstanding at the door of what
was, and the womb stays openbecause you have not stepped
into what is.
Does that make sense?
(07:55):
So the relationship is gone, butthe space is left behind, and
that belongs to you.
So the question is, what are yougoing to grow in it?
So yesterday I shared a story onDe Season of Self Love about I
(08:17):
was redesigning my bathroom, andI was redesigning it, and I had
been sitting on uh some swatchesfor a few months, and I knew
what I wanted to do with it.
I knew the color, I knew thevision, but I kept pulling back.
I kept kept thinking that I wasdoing too much with it until my
husband had stopped me and said,No, you be you.
You filled that space with yourtruth, right?
(08:39):
So, okay, you're standing in astripped room.
I want you to envision you havealready torn down the old
wallpaper down because yourrelationship is done.
You're no longer in thatrelationship with your ex,
right?
But you've been standing in thisblank room for a year, looking
(09:00):
at the bare walls, afraid topick up that paintbrush.
And here's what you need to knowis that that empty room is not a
punishment.
If you look at it, that is yourcanvas.
That is your canvas.
(09:22):
Now, here's what's keeping thatwomb open actually looks like.
I want you to answer thesequestions honestly, and not for
me.
Not for me.
I want you to answer thesequestions for yourself.
Are you still checking theirsocial media?
Even if it's just peaking, andare you still replaying
(09:44):
conversations in your head like,what should I have said, or what
could you have done differently?
And are you still holding on tothings, their text, their
pictures, something that theygave you that that you look at
on a hard night?
(10:06):
Every single one of those thingsis in a way of keeping that door
cracked open.
And what I have learned is that,and y'all know that I've been
through it myself, I shared it,but it's every time you go back
there, you reset that clock.
(10:28):
You are not a year out from thatfrom the breakup.
You are not starting over fromwhatever day you last let
yourself go back.
So the healing doesn't startwhen he leaves, the healing
starts when you decide to stopgoing back.
(10:56):
Alright, so now you want to knowhow do I actually do it?
How do I actually claim thatspace?
How do I do it, Naomi?
That's what my letter asks.
How do I do this?
(11:17):
Well, here's some real steps.
No, no, not no motivationalspeech.
These are real things.
Step one, you gotta grieve itfully.
For real this time.
Don't perform the griefs,actually.
Grieve it.
Write the letter you are nevergoing to send.
(11:38):
Say out loud what you have onlysaid in your head.
Use that language, be bold withthat language, make it big as it
actually is, because a lot of usminimize that pain.
We say it was only arelationship, it was not even a
marriage.
(12:01):
But it was big to you, and ithurt you.
So you give it the full weightthat it deserves so you can
actually move through it and outthe other side.
And in step two, create distancedeliberately, unfollow, not
(12:27):
block, not drama, just removethat person from your daily
scroll.
And I'm gonna say, go a stepfurther.
Even the friends, anybody incommon that that they might show
up on your feed for right now,create the friction between
(12:55):
yourself and the habit of goingback because you don't want to
go back.
The goal is not to hate him thatyou you don't want to hate that
person.
The goal is to stop giving themreal estate in your present
life.
Step three, I want you to namewhat you want to grow in that
(13:16):
space.
This is what we're doing allthis month on the season of
self-love, and it appliesdirectly to UK.
The time, the energy, theemotional bandwidth that's used
to go to that relationship.
It is yours now, and what do youwant to fill it with?
(13:39):
Not the next person.
No, not not that, not yet, butyou.
What did you stop when you werein that relationship?
What version of yourself gotquiet?
I want you to go find thatperson, redirect all of the love
that you gave that person, yourex.
(14:02):
Give that back to yourselffirst.
Give that back to yourselffirst.
This is where we talk aboutself-love.
And step four, take one boldvisible action this week.
Not tomorrow, not when you feelready, because here is the
truth (14:24):
you will never feel ready.
Growth does not wait for thefear to go away.
Growth happens when you act inspite of.
So that means book the class,call the friend that you have
been missing, book a life coach.
Start the thing that you put onhold, buy that green paint.
(14:48):
Do one thing this week that isyours, that has nothing to do
with that ex and everything todo with you.
Healing is not a failing, it isa decision that you make over
and over again until one day,one day you realize the wound is
(15:10):
finally closed.
It was one thing that I lovethat you said that you still
believe in love.
And that's everything.
That's everything, Kay.
So I want to camp out right herefor a moment in this section.
(15:32):
Because in that letter, when yousaid that, when you said that,
when you made that statementthat you still believe in love.
I still want to find love again.
I want to give love anotherchance.
Let me tell you something.
Do you know how powerful thatis?
(15:53):
After a painful breakup, after ayear of carrying this, after the
open womb and all of it, thatyou still believe?
That is not weakness.
That is one of the strongestthings that a person can say
after a heartbreak.
Because a lot of people get tothe other side of that close up
(16:14):
and they decide that love is notworth it.
I know I've counseled peoplethat have become so bitter and
be like, nah, it ain't for me.
I can do bad by my damn side.
I'm so serious when I say this.
So when I say that there is noweakness in you, love, so I want
(16:40):
to spend time right here withthis.
Because as I said, a lot ofpeople that get to the other
side, they close up.
They close completely up, andthey decide that love is not
worth it.
(17:01):
They put the wall up so highthat nobody can get in.
And I understand that thatinstinct, and I really do, but
what that wall actually does iskeep out the very thing that you
are saying that you still want.
Your heart is bruised and notbroken.
(17:24):
And a bruised heart that stillbelieves in love.
That is a heart that is ready toheal.
Now I say this with love, and Ido not think.
I do not think, I'm gonna saythis one more.
I'm gonna say before I even saymy next few words, I'm gonna say
this again.
(17:45):
I'm gonna put your hand out, solet me hold your hand, baby.
I say this with love.
I do not think that dating isthe move right now.
Not because that you are notworthy of dating, but because
the goal right now is not tofind the next person.
(18:06):
That's not the goal.
The goal is to find yourselfagain first, Kay.
It's to claim that space, is tobecome so full within yourself
that you are choosing love fromwholeness, from a whole person,
(18:27):
from a whole K hustle, and notfrom loneliness.
Because here is what I know fromall of my own relationships.
The partners that we attractwhen we are healed are
completely different from theones that we attract when we are
hurting, when we are lonely.
(18:47):
When we are hurting, we attractwhat feels familiar.
And familiar is not always safe.
Do the work first, claim yourspace first, heal first, and
then go find love.
Because you deserve someone whogets the heal version of you,
(19:11):
not the one who is stillcarrying somebody else's damage.
And if you want to go evendeeper on the healing side of
this, you can go back and listento my Talk to Me Tuesday episode
one on how do I actually healfrom you know after divorce, and
also tap into my season ofself-love and all of those um
(19:32):
episodes that I have right thereto really tap into self-love.
And I, you know, and Kay, Iunderstand that your breakup is
not a divorce of marriage, butit's it, but it is a sense of
(19:52):
divorce, it's a sense of deathbecause it's the death of a
relationship.
So it still has that that thatum that emotional um grief that
needs to be identified peaks toit.
It's about figuring out who youare on the other side of it.
So um let that episode work onyou too, you know.
(20:17):
All right, Kay.
Well, here is what I want toleave you with, and anyone else
that's watching.
Um, you, my love, is 42 yearsold and you've been through
something real.
But you're still standing,you're still showing up.
You're in the chat for the veryfirst time.
(20:37):
Found me in the chat, bold.
You are in your life and now inthis letter.
So you are not stuck, you are inthe process, and and that's a
difference.
If you are doing, I want you tostop measuring your healing by
how much time has passed.
(20:59):
Stop start measuring it by howoften you choose yourself over
going back.
Every time you choose you, thatis healing that's happening in
real time.
The love you want is coming.
But it's coming for the personwho you are becoming, not the
(21:21):
one who is still standing at thedoor waiting for someone who has
already left.
Does that make sense?
So I want you to close thatdoor, baby, and I want you to
lock it.
And I want you to pick up thatpaintbrush or that wallpaper or
whatever it is, and I want youto fill that space with
something beautiful that isentirely yours.
(21:46):
Because you still believe inlove, and that means that means
love is not done with you.
Love is not done with you.
All right, my sexy people, thatis it for today's Talk to Me
Tuesday.
Um, if this episode has touchedyou, share it with somebody who
needs it.
And if you have a question andyou want me to answer on future
(22:08):
episodes, send you a send aletter to info at xnaomi.com.
And that's Naomi Spell with aY-N-Y-O-MI.com.
I I read um almost every singleone.
This one just really touched me.
And I know we just had aninteraction um a few days ago,
so I knew I needed to read this.
So until next Tuesday, alwayskeep it, keep it so so sexy.
(22:31):
Take care of yourself, mybeautiful people.
Have an amazing, amazingTuesday.
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