Talk To Me Tuesday: How Do I Actually Heal After Divorce?

Bonus Tuesday Drop — Talk To Me Tuesday Real letters. Real life. Real healing. Welcome to Talk To Me Tuesday, the mini-series inside Ask Nyomi Bridging The Gap, where Nyomi answers “Ask Nyomi” letters from people navigating love, heartbreak, divorce, dating, boundaries, self-worth, and everything in between. Every Tuesday, we go beyond quick advice and get into the real work: emotional truth, mindset shifts, and practical steps you can actually use. Because healing isn’t “just moving on”—it’s learning how to process what happened, reclaim your power, and rebuild your life with intention. Expect:

• Raw, honest conversations (no judgment, no sugarcoating)
• Healing tools like journaling prompts, reflection questions, and weekly practices
• Topics like divorce recovery, relationship patterns, forgiveness, emotional boundaries, and self-love
• A space where you can feel seen, supported, and empowered—one Tuesday at a time

If you’ve ever asked, “Why do I keep repeating the same relationship cycles?” or “How do I heal without hardening my heart?”—this series is for you. New episodes every Tuesday. Always Keep It So Sexy (A.K.I.S.S).

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Until Thursday – stay curious, stay open, stay authentic.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Talk to me Tuesday here on Axe Naomi Virginia Gap.
Join me here every Tuesday forsome real issues, real
conversations as I answer someof those Axe Naomi letters.

(00:24):
All right, my sexy people.
Well, welcome to the very firstTalk to Me Tuesday.
I am so excited to launch thisnew series with you.
So if you are new here, welcometo the family.
This is where we get real, realdeep.
We get deep here.
And we talk about things thatmatter.
So every Tuesday, I'm going tobe answering letters from real

(00:45):
people dealing with real life.
And today we're starting withsomething that is so important.
How do you actually heal afterdivorce?
Now, not just get over it ormove on, but to truly deeply
heal, because divorce isn't justa legal process, it's an
emotional earthquake.

(01:05):
It's a spiritual awakening.
And if you don't do the work toheal, you'll carry those cracks
into every, every relationshipthat comes after, including the
one with yourself.
So grab your journal, grab yourtea, and let's talk about those
real healing.

(01:38):
All right, so today's lettercomes from Maya.
And Maya writes, Dear Naomi, mydivorce was finalized six months
ago.
And everyone keeps asking me,How are you doing?
And honestly, I don't know.
I don't know how to answer that.
Some days I feel free, relieved.
Other days I feel angry and sad.

(02:01):
I'm crying in the shower.
I feel like a failure.
My friends tell me to just moveon and focus on the positive,
but I don't think that I'veactually healed.
I don't even know what healinglooks like.
Do I need therapy?
Do I need time?
Do I need to forgive him orforgive myself?

(02:21):
I don't want to carry this paininto my next relationship, but I
also don't know how to let itgo.
How do I actually heal fromthis, Maya?
Well, first of all, I'd like tosay thank you, Maya, for just
being honest, but also forwriting into this, writing the
letter in.
Because what you just describedis real.

(02:42):
It's real, it's raw.
And that's exactly how healingbegins.
That's exactly where healingbegins.
So let's start here, Maya.
First, we need to define whathealing actually means.
Healing is not about gettingover it or forgetting what
happened.
That's not healing, that'snumbing.
Healing is about integration.

(03:05):
It's about taking what happened,the pain, the lessons, the
growth, and weaving it into whoyou are now.
That means making peace withyour past so it doesn't control
your future.
Now I want to talk aboutspiritual bypassing.
I see this all the time in thehealing space.

(03:27):
And I can tell you this, it isvery dangerous.
And I'm going to explain to youwhat spiritual bypassing is
because I want all y'all, what Iam, what is spiritual bypassing?
Spiritual bypassing is when weuse spiritual concepts to avoid
dealing with pain.
Like saying everything happensfor a reason before you've even
processed the grief.
Or jumping to, I am grateful forthe lessons before you've let

(03:53):
yourself be angry, or forcingforgiveness because you think
that's what enlightened peoplethink do.
That's not healing, that'sputting a band-aid on a bullet
wound.
You see, real healing, what itlooks like.
Real healing looks at the wound.
That's what real healing lookslike.

(04:14):
Real healing, it sits with theanger, it sits with the sadness,
it sits with the disappointment,and it says, I see you, I feel
you.
And you are allowed to be here.
And then, and then that's whenyou integrate it.

(04:35):
So recently I interviewedsomeone who said something that
stopped me writing my tracks.
This young lady, she said, youhave to be comfortable in your
chaos.
And I'm gonna repeat that.
She said, You have to becomfortable in your chaos.
And I was like, Hold on.

(04:59):
And I thought about it for amoment.
And what I said to myself, Isaid, she wasn't, she wasn't
saying stay in the chaos.
She was saying don't run fromit.
She was saying don't mask it.
What she was saying, she wassaying get in there.
She was saying get in there, shewas saying recognize it, she was

(05:20):
saying feel it, she was sayingunderstand it, she was saying
acknowledge it, because that'show you get clarity.
You can't go around the chaos,you have to go through it.
And to go through it, you haveto be willing to be in it for a
minute, and that's not stayingstuck.

(05:46):
You know what that is?
That's doing the brave work ofactually healing instead of just
putting on a mask.
Tomia, you said that some daysyou feel free, right?
And other days you're angry andyou sad.

But I'm gonna tell you this: that's not failing, baby. (06:03):
undefined
That's healing.
Because healing is not linear.
And when I tell you this, you'regonna be tripping.
It's a spiral.
Because some days you are goingto feel very, very strong.
And then other days you aregoing to be crying in that

(06:24):
shower.
But both of those parts, bothparts of those, those are
process.
That is the process of thehealing.
Your healing is not to go backto who you were.
That version doesn't existanymore.

(06:45):
Because I'm gonna tell you this,you have loved and lost.
You're healing to become thenext version of yourself,
someone stronger, someone wiser,someone more aligned.
I'm gonna share something withyou.

(07:06):
Back in 2025, that was my yearof the rebirth, and I had my
breast implants removed after 22years.
And in many ways, healing fromthat followed the same pattern
as a divorce, and I'm gonnaexplain why.
I was divorcing from anidentity, I was divorcing from

(07:27):
who I thought I had to be, ifthat makes sense.
And there were days that I feltfree from the sickness, from the
illness, from the heaviness.
And then there were days that Igrieved.
Because when I looked in themirror, I no longer saw the
woman, the person who I havebeen seeing for 22 years.

(07:50):
But both was necessary.
Because both made me who I amnow.
I am the goddess.
I am Naomi.
I am the goddess of self-loveand all of my full power.
So when people ask me, How areyou doing?
When I get those texts, how youdoing?

(08:12):
You know, I say I'm taking itday by day because I'm being
honest.
So when people ask you how youdoing, you can say, I'm healing.
Because that's what I say, I amhealing.
I'm taking it day by day, butI'm healing.
So you can say, I'm healing.
Because some days that lookslike strength, and some days
that looks like tears, but I'mdoing the work because that is

(08:34):
the truth.
But why does healing takelonger?
Let's talk about that.
Because Maya, you mentioned yourdivorce was finalized, what, six
months ago?
So here's what nobody tells you.
Six months is not enough time tofully heal from a marriage.

(08:56):
Divorce is one of the mosttraumatic experiences a person
can go through.
And here's why healing takeslonger.
First, your experience islayered loss.
I'm gonna repeat this to you.
Your experience is layered loss.

(09:16):
You're not losing, you're notjust losing a partner, you're
losing a future, an identity,routines, rituals, shared
friends, and maybe even yourhome.
So each loss requires its owngrief process.
And then, second, second, yourbrain is rewiring.

(09:40):
So when you form a deepattachment in marriage, your
brain literally rewires aroundthat bond.
So when it's severed, your brainhas to rewire again.
So those neural pathways don'tdisappear overnight.
That is why you reach for yourphone to text your ex or you set

(10:02):
two places at the table becauseyour brain is still running on
old programs or old patterns,and it needs time to what to
install new ones.
Third, you're grieving multipleversions of reality, the
relationship that was, therelationship you thought you

(10:24):
had, the person you thought thatyour ex was, the version of
yourself that believed in thatmarriage, the dreams that you
had together, that's layeredgrief.
And fourth, healing comes inwaves.

(10:46):
Yes, it doesn't come in astraight line.
You might have a good week, thenget hit with a grief wave that
feels intense, but the wavescome less frequently over time,
and you recover faster.
You have more twos.
So in the beginning, the wavesmight come daily.

(11:08):
They gonna come daily, ain'tmight, they come daily.
In six months, in weekly, a yearin, maybe monthly, but they can
still hit hard.
But that doesn't mean thatyou're not healing.
And fifth, unprocessed emotionsdon't disappear.

(11:33):
So if you shove them down, angerand sadness, because you should
be over it, those emotions gounderground and they show up as
anxiety, walls in arelationship, self-sabotage,
bitterness, physical symptoms,depression.

(11:54):
And the thing is, is the bodykeeps the score.
So, Maya, if you're still cryingin the shower six months later,
that's not weakness, baby.
That is your body processing thepain.
That is your body processing thepain.

(12:14):
Let it feel it.
Don't rush it because that's theonly way that you can get
through it.
All right, so let's get topractical.
How do we actually heal from it,right?
So, step one, I want you to feelyour feelings without judgment.

(12:36):
Stop telling yourself that youshouldn't still be sad.
Your feelings are valid, all ofthem.
Your feelings are valid, all ofthem.
So here's the practice.
We're gonna call this theemotion scan.
I want you to set your timer forfive minutes, and I want you to
close your eyes, and I want youto ask yourself, what am I

(12:58):
feeling right now?
And I want you to name it.
Where do I feel?
Where do I feel this in my body?
And I want you to notice it.
Then say, it's okay to feelthis.
This feeling is allowed to behere.

(13:20):
When you truly allow a feelingto be felt, then it starts to
shift.
Step two is to grieve the lossfully.
Because divorce is a death, andit does require grief.

So you know the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, (13:41):
undefined
depression, acceptance, but youdon't go through them in order.
You don't.
You might even experience allfive of them in one day.

So here's the practice (13:58):
the grief letter.
Write a letter to your marriage,not to your ex, to the
relationship itself, and sayeverything you didn't get to
say.
You're never sending it.
This is for you.

(14:19):
So when you're done, I want youto burn it, tear it up, or if
you want to, keep it.
But the act of writing, ofgiving voice to the grief,
that's the powerful medicine.
And then take step three.
I want you to takeresponsibility for your part

(14:40):
without self-blame.
So in every relationship, bothpeople play a role.
And I want you to ask yourself,what patterns did I bring?
What did I tolerate?
What red flags did I ignore?
What did I need that I neverasked for?
What did I do?
This is about self-awareness,not shame.

(15:04):
Blame says, this is all myfault.
Responsibility says, I stayedtoo long.
I ignore my intuition.
Now I know better.
So I want you to write downthose patterns that you notice
across the relationship.
Once you see them, you can healthem.

(15:25):
And that might mean therapy,coaching, or deep inner work.
But I'm gonna tell you that it'sworth it.
And step four, and this might bethe hardest one, is to forgive.
But I want you to understandwhat it really means.

(15:47):
Maya, what I want you to do is Iwant to add, I want you to ask
if you need to forgive him.
Forgiveness is not about lettinghim off the hook, it's about
freeing yourself.
It doesn't mean what he did wasokay or you have to be friends.
It means that you're choosing torelease resentment.

(16:11):
So it doesn't poison yourfuture.
Forgiveness is a process.
You might forgive today and beangry tomorrow, and that's okay.
Forgiveness is something thatyou choose over and over until
it sticks.
And forgive yourself too forstaying too long, for ignoring,

(16:36):
ignoring the red flags.
For whatever mistakes that youmade, you did the best that you
could with what you knew.
And here's a practice for theforgiveness meditation, all
right?
So, what I want you to do is Iwant you to sit quietly and I
want you to repeat this.

(16:58):
I forgive you for the pain and Irelease the anger.
I forgive myself, I release theshame.
I am free, I am whole, I amworthy of peace.
I keep coming back to it.

(17:24):
And step five.
I want you to build, rebuildyour identity.
When you're married, youridentity is tied to being a
partner.
We become, we, W E becomes adefault.
Now you have to rediscover whatI means for you.

(17:47):
Who are you outside of thatrelationship?
What do you like?
What do you want?
What lights you up?
So try the identity inventory.
Like, right, I am, I love, Ivalue, I dream of, I am

(18:08):
passionate about, I believe, Iwill no longer tolerate, I
deserve.
And this is you reclaiming yourpower.
And step six is to create newroutines.

(18:32):
Your old life hair routines,those are gone.
So create new ones, build a lifethat feels full and joyful as a
single person.
Saturday morning coffee ritual,weekly yoga, monthly dinner with
friends, travel somewhere thatyou've always wanted to go, fill

(18:53):
your life with things thatnourish you.
Try the reclamation ritual oncea month.
Do something just for you.
Take yourself on a solo date.
Try a new hobby.
Go to a concert, dance in yourliving room, reclaim your joy.

(19:19):
And also, Maya, you asked if youneed therapy.
My answer is yes.
If you can afford it, go.
A good therapist will help youto process the grief, the
identity patterns, it will giveyou tools.
There is no shame inprofessional help.
It's one of the smartest thingsthat you can do.

(19:43):
And if therapy isn't accessible,find support.
A divorce group, a coach, onlinecommunities.
But don't do this alone.
Don't do this alone.
All right, so this next section,we're going to talk about the

(20:05):
myths about healing.
So before we wrap, let's bustsome of these myths that people
keep stuck with.
Myth one time heals all wounds.
No, time just passes.
What heals wounds is the trulyis the intentional work that we

(20:25):
do.
Therapy, reflection, processing,grieving.
You have to activelyparticipate.
I remember my mom telling methat time heals all wounds.
Myth two, you need closure fromyour ex.
Closure is nice, but you don'tneed them to give it.

(20:46):
You don't need their apology orexplanation.
Closures come from within.
Closure comes from within.
From accepting what happened andchoosing to move forward.
Waiting for your ex to give youclosure is giving them power
over your healing.
Take that power back.

And myth three (21:07):
healing means you won't feel pain anymore.
Healing doesn't mean paindisappears.
No, it means that pain doesn'tcontrol you.
You can think about your exwithout spiraling.
The pain is integrated, it'spart of your story.

(21:28):
It's not your whole story, butit's part of.
It's a scar, but it's no longeran open wound.
In myth four, you have toforgive to heal.
Forgiveness is a part of thehealing, but not the first step.
You have to feel the angerfirst.

(21:49):
You have to process your hurtfirst.
Forgiveness comes when you'reready.
In myth five, if you're healed,you won't miss them.
That's not true.
You can be healed and still missparts of the relationship.
Healing doesn't relate when Isay this, I want to say this

(22:12):
really healing doesn't eraseyour history or the love that
was real in the relationship.
It means that you've made peacewith how it ended, and you've
chosen your happiness overstaying stock.
So, Maya, here's the bottomline.

(22:33):
You ask, how do I actually healafter divorce?
And my answer for you is one dayat a time, one feeling at a
time, and one step at a time.
Because healing is not adestination, it's a journey.
And you're on it.
The fact that you are askingthis question, that's growth,

(22:54):
that's self-awareness, that'sthe beginning of real healing.
And you do not need to have tofigure it all out right now.
Just keep doing the work, keepfeeling, keep going to therapy.
Go to therapy, keep rebuilding,keep showing up for yourself.
And one day, maybe not today,but one day you'll realize that

(23:15):
the pain doesn't hurt as much.
You're excited about your futureinstead of mourning your past.
You're laughing more, you'reloving yourself more, you're
trusting yourself more.
That's when you'll know thatyou've healed.
Not because the pain is gone,but because you've made peace
with it.

(23:36):
So give yourself grace, giveyourself time, give yourself
permission to heal at your ownpace.
Because you deserve to heal, youdeserve to be whole, and you
deserve to love and be loved,starting with yourself.

(23:58):
So welcome to your rebirth,Maya, and welcome to your
transformation.
All right, my sexy people, thatis it for our very first Talk to
Me Tuesday.
If Maya letter has resonatedwith you, hear this: you are not
broken, you are healing, andthat is beautiful.

(24:19):
I want you all to head over toaxnyomi.com for a blog post,
resources, and free guide calledthe Divorce Recovery Roadmap
that walks you through healingstep by step and download it.
Use it.
And tomorrow, tomorrow, we'rediving into Simone's story.
She just got served divorcepapers out of nowhere, and the

(24:39):
whole world is crashing down.
We're going to walk with herthrough the journey of healing
transformation.
And if you're navigating yourown divorce or breakup, you're
going to see yourself in herstory.
Check it out on the blog onaxenaomiomi.com.
Thursday, we are going live andtalk about all of this healing
identity, rebuilding yourself,and bring your questions to

(25:00):
heart.
And if you got a question for afuture talk to me Tuesday, I
want you to send it to info ataxenaomi.com.
And Naomi is spelled N-Y-O-M-Ibecause I want to hear from you
until next time.
Always keep it sexy.
And remember, this is a part ofthe reclamation series here on

(25:21):
axenaomi.com.
Again, I am Naomi Banks here.
Have an amazing, amazingTuesday.
Have a good one.
Let's talk to you Tuesday hereon X Naomi Virginia Gap Podcast.