Focuses on defining self-esteem and self-confidence, exploring the causes and symptoms of low self-esteem which often stem from childhood experiences, bullying, and negative self-talk. The content offers numerous practical strategies and concepts for improvement, including tips on setting goals, using mindfulness and basic meditation, and the value of volunteerism. It also discusses various psychotherapy methods available for addressing deeply rooted self-esteem issues and emphasizes the reader's power to initiate positive personal change.
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Produced by:
https://www.podcaistudio.com/
You can listen and download our episodes for free on more than 10 different platforms:
https://linktr.ee/book_shelter
Get the Book now from Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/Self-Esteem-Mastering-Confidence-confidence-ebook/dp/B01BLYS8NE?&linkCode=ll1&tag=cvthunderx-20&linkId=01386c37214494545fe0ece0928fefd5&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl
Produced by:
https://www.podcaistudio.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the deep dive Today. We're really digging
into something fundamental. Self esteem.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Absolutely it touches well.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Everything we've gone through Victoria Price's guide on building confidence,
tackling doubt and our goal, our mission for you today
is to give you the whole story, a complete, detailed
summary of that journey to you know, self mastery.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
It really is laid out like a story arc. You
have to get the diagnosis before you can understand the cure, right,
But maybe first let's pin down what we actually mean
by self esteem. It gets tossed around a lot.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Good point. The simple definition, you know, Oxford Dictionary style
is confidence in one's own worth or abilities.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Pretty straightforward, sure, but social psychology gives it a bit
more nuanced. Think Smith, Mackey and Claypool. They make this
great distinction, which is okay. So self concept is what
you think about yourself, like I'm a decent cook, I'm tall, whatever, facts,
sort of the what's exactly yeah, But self esteem that's
how you feel about those things. It's the overall vibe
(01:00):
positive or negative you attached to your self concept, your
feeling of worthiness.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
And Price really pushes back on the idea that this
feeling is like totally private, right. We think we can
hide it, put.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
On a brave face. But the book argues that mask
is pretty see through. Your self esteem leaks out. It's
in your posture, how you handle pressure, the choices you make.
It's visible.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
It's the first domino, essentially.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Totally the fundamental block, she calls it. If that one's shaky,
everything else wabbles your career. Maybe you aim low because
you don't feel you deserve more, your happiness and definitely
your relationships.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Okay, let's talk about that relationship link. How does low
self esteem make someone vulnerable there? It's often overlooked.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Well, think about it. If you don't value yourself deep down,
you're more likely to put up with well with.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Bad treatment, You tolerate disrespect Exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
The research shows a really clear, unfortunate link between low
self esteem and ending up in unhealthy or even abusive relationships.
Secretly believe you're unworthy someone treating you poorly. It almost
confirms that inner belief that bottom line will talk about.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Wow, Okay, that really highlights why understanding the diagnosis the
symptoms is so critical. Where does the guide say most
people stand right now?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Statistically speaking, You're probably not alone if you struggle. The
research suggests something like eighty percent of people worldwide deal
with low self esteem to some degree.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Eighty percent. That's staggering, it.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Is, But the book makes a key point. It's not
an illness you should feel ashamed of. It's more like
a really unhelpful, detrimental state of mind, but a very common,
very normal human condition.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Sadly, okay, so it's common. Let's break down those symptoms,
the signs of this struggle, so people listening can maybe
recognize these patterns. What's the checklist look like?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Well, a big one is fear, just pervasive fear. Fear
what specifically, fear of being ridiculed is huge. This means
you end up valuing what other people think way more
than your own judgment. And really to that is the
fear of taking risks, so you play it safe. You
play it safe, aim low in jobs, avoid challenges because
the thought of failing or even just disappointing someone feels unbearable.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
When that fear must lead to emotional.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Stuff, right, Oh, definitely, anxiety and depression are major symptoms.
The guide even mentions the huge spike and antidepressant use.
I think it was something like a four hundred percent
rise in the last decade.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Wow. And the suggestion is pills might be masking something deeper.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Kind of the argument is that medication treats the symptom,
which is vital for many, of course, but things like
mindfulness can actually help restructure the underlying thought patterns address
the cause, not just the effect.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
An anxiety. How does that show up physically?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Often through breathing, erratic shallow breathing. It can spiral into
full blown panic attacks, especially in social settings. Social anxiety
is a big one.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, moving on to relationships. How does low self esteem
mess things up there?
Speaker 2 (03:56):
It can get really chaotic. If you don't value yourself,
you might have really low expectations for partners or friends.
You might let yourself be used or taken for granted
just to get any kind of connection or.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Approval, which leads right into neediness.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I imagine exactly that constant craving for validation, like always
asking your partner do you really love me? Not just
for reassurance, but because you genuinely, deep down doubt you're lovable.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And the flip side can happen too, right, like defensiveness,
where any feedback even if it's meant to be helpful,
feels like a personal attack, like mockery. It just shuts
down any chance to grow.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
All these things sound like forms of self sabotage.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
They absolutely are. Other examples saying yes to everything because
you feel you need to earn your place or be
a martyr, or the opposite, putting others down, bullying basically.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, the bully projecting their own low self worth. It's sad,
really it is.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
And don't forget just basic self neglect, letting healter, team slide,
not sleeping well, poor diet. It all fuels the negative cycle.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
And internally what's going on.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Inside comparison, always measuring yourself against others and finding yourself lacking. Yeah,
and hypervigilance, always scanning for science. People don't like you
reading into things, misinterpreting a joke as criticism. Okay, so
that's the What where does this whole story begin? The
guide points back to childhood, doesn't it very early on?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yes, And this is where it gets quite sensitive, especially
for parents. There's a big warning about unintentional harm.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
The throwaway comments.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Exactly about a kid being a bit chubby or not
getting top marks, or their appearance. Even if said lightly,
those words can lodge themselves in the subconscious.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And they pop up later.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
They surface during vulnerable times. Yeah, like proof that you're
fundamentally flawed. Those words have stain power.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And it's not just parents, is it. Cere groups are
huge too, Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Judith Richerris's work really highlights that parents shape the environment,
but once kids are in school, peers have massive.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Influence, which unfortunately can include bullying.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Right, and the guy breaks bullying down, showing how it
just decimates confidence. There's the obvious physical kind, then verbal
name calling insults, which sadly still happens in adult workplaces.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Then the less obvious.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Types emotional bullying, spreading rumors, isolating someone damaging their reputation.
It's covert, sneaky, and of course cyberbullying relentless, inescapable. The
guide mentions Amanda Toad's tragic story as an example of
just how severe the impact can be and the effects
last for decades. The source notes mentioned feelings of helplessness
(06:34):
from severe bullying lingering for fifty years. It creates deep
issues with trust. Maybe passive anger turned inward.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So that negative feeling just becomes the default state. Okay,
this feels like a turning point in this story. We've
identified the problem. Now we need to understand the mechanics
keeping people stuck.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Yes, let's call this part the inner turn. It's about
understanding the internal landscape. Mass offers a useful way to
think about self esteem levels. What are the categories he
talks about strong self esteem, realistic expectations, less fear of
messing up than vulnerable self esteem. This is interesting. It
looks like high confidence.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
On the outside take it till you make it sort of.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
But without the inner resilience. So when they do face setbacks,
they crash hard because they weren't really prepared. And the
third shattered self esteem the lowest point where someone is
just so bogged down by negativity they literally can't seem
to find happiness even when good things happen.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Why is that state so hard to climb out of?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Because of something called the bottom line cycle. This bottom
line is that core negative belief about yourself, often set
up by critical voices from the past. It's like your
internal operating system.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Okay, this sounds crucial. How does this bottom line keep
itself going.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Through two really destructive filters? First, bias perception. Your operating
system says you're no good, so your brain actively looks
for evidence to prove it right.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So like, if nine people say something nice and one
person offers mild criticism.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You latch onto the criticism. You barely even register the praise.
You filter reality to confirm your negative self view.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Wow, it's depressing, but I guess see how it happens.
What's the second filter?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Biased interpretation? This is even sneakier. When you do get
genuine praise, your brain twists it. You think, oh, they're
just being nice, or they must want something, or they
feel sorry.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
For me, so you dismiss the positive evidence completely.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It invalidates any external proof that contradicts your negative bottom line.
See how it's a closed loop. It just reinforces itself.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Okay, breaking that cycle feels like the core challenge. We
need tools, practical steps. Where does the guide start us off.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
With learning from observation, shifting your focus outward and also
making a physical change.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How does that work?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Step one is external? Go somewhere public, like a busy cafe.
Just watch people who seem happy, confident.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Not to compare yourself negative crucially, just to observe.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Notice that confident people aren't necessarily perfect. They might be
dressed casually, maybe not conventionally attractive, but they carry themselves
with a certain ease. It sets a realistic baseline.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay, establish what real confidence looks like.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Then then you turn inward with the mirror test. Literally,
stand in front of a mirror. Look at your posture.
Are you slumped trying to shrink yourself? Then consciously practice
standing tall, walking with your shoulders back, head held high.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Does changing your posture actually change how you feel?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
The book argues, yes, absolutely, it's a feedback loop. Projecting
confidence changes how others see you, which feeds back to you,
but it also directly impacts your own self perception. You
start to shed that timid mouse feeling.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Okay, physical shift first, what's next for tackling the internal
state like that? Anxiety?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Breathing and relaxation. These are your core tools for managing
the physical side of low self esteem, especially panic or
social anxiety.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Is there a specific technique?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yes, proper diaphragmatic breathing slowly inhale through your nose. The
nosehirs act like filters. Hold it for a second, then
exhale fully through your mouth. Put a hand on your
upper abdomen just below the ribs to feel it rise
and fall. Get that rhythm going, deep breaths, not shallow
chest ones.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And for general stress are trouble.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Sleeping, systematic relaxation. Lie down comfortably, keep the rhythmic breathing going.
Then you systematically tense and relax different muscle groups. Start
with your toes, tense them, hold, release, Move up to
your feet, calves, thighs, all the way up to your
face and scalp. It forces your body to let go
of stored tension.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Okay, so we've observed adjusted posture, learned to breathe. We're prepared.
Now it feels like we move into action.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
The final face exactly the ascent. This is where we
build mastery and shift focus towards self confidence, which the
book defines more specifically as belief in your ability to
do things to succeed in tasks, an offshoot of self esteem.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
What's the first action?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Stay volunteerism. It sounds simple, maybe, but it's powerful. It
builds confidence by shifting your focus from your own perceived
lax to contributing something positive outside yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
But there's a right way and a wrong way to approach.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
It isn't there absolutely key You have to go in
with humility, no strings attached. Don't do it just to
get thanged or praised, because you might not and then
you'll feel worse.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
So give without expecting anything back.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Pretty much, whether it's you know, walking dogs at a
shelter great for exercise and purpose, or helping out a
soup kitchen, finding human connection, It teaches you responsibility, adaptability.
It shows you tangibly that you have value and skills
to offer. You see your purpose through action.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Okay, volunteerism builds value. What about dealing with those nagging
internal doubts that always pop up?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Overcoming doubts? The book stresses that doubts aren't the enemy,
they're actually natural. They show your thinking ahead considering risks.
The key is not letting them define you.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
How do you manage them?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Then a few strategies for just acknowledge the doubt, then
triverbalizing it seriously, saying I'm really doubting I can handle
this presentation out loud makes it feel smaller, more manageable
than when it's just swirling in your.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Head, makes sense less overwhelming.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Then crucially, forgive yourself for past mistakes see them as
learning opportunities, not proof of failure, and finally focus on
your strengths.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Like the example of the book.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, the woman who lost her job felt awful, but
then realized her crochet hobby wasn't just a hobby. She
built an online community around it, turned it into a
business that became her source of confidence, tapping into something
she was already good at.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
What if the doubts and anxiety are really deep seated though?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
That's where the guide mentions the therapy toolkit acknowledging the
role of professional help.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Can you briefly touch on the types?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Sure? Psychodynamic therapy tends to look at the past, digging
for the roots of those feelings. Interpersonal therapy focuses on
your current relationships and how they play out.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
In CBT, that one comes up a lot right.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Cognitive behavioral therapy CBT is very present focused. It's about
identifying and actively restructuring those negative thought patterns now. And
there's also exposure therapy, often used for specific fears or phobias,
gradually facing the thing you're afraid of in a safe
way to lessen the anxiety. Over time, it shows you
the feared outcome usually doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Okay, Therapy is a tool. What's the ultimate technique the
guide points towards for managing the mind day to day.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
It really culminates in mindfulness and meditation.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
How are they defined here?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Mindfulness is about learning to observe yourself your surroundings neutrallly,
without judgment. You cut through the noise of worrying about
the future or regretting the past by anchoring yourself firmly
in the present moment using your senses. Like the coffee
example exactly, instead of just gulping it down while worrying,
you actually notice the aroma, feel the warmth of the mug,
(13:52):
taste the coffee, or seeing do on a spider web
not as messy, but noticing the way the light makes
it sparkle like diamonds. Replace the negative mental chatter with
actual sensory experience and meditation. Meditation is the more structured
practice of clearing the mind. Think of Si Dartha Gautama
seeking answers under the body tree. It's about intentionally letting
(14:12):
go of those deep beliefs of unworthiness, creating mental space
so solutions and clarity can.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Emerge, so that brings us through the whole journey, the
whole story arc. What's the final message the synthesis?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
I think the core message is self compassion, Be gentle
with yourself. Recognize that yes, external sings those childhood comments
pure dynamics. They influence your self esteem, but your reaction,
how you internalize it, that's where your power lies. You
can choose to walk away internally from negativity.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
And it's personal right. High self esteem isn't one size fits.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
All, definitely not. It's compounded by self. What makes you
feel worthy, achievement, kindness, creativity, something else entirely that's unique
to you. Your definition of a life well lived is
your own.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
So the final push from the guide.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Is don't get stuck over thinking. Don't wait until you
feel perfect to start. The only real failure, it suggests,
is doing nothing. You have to engage in your own
rescue mission. Start taking those small steps, and we'll leave.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
You with this final thought to chew on something that
really struck me from the material.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, it's powerful. The moment you genuinely commit to valuing
yourself to self love, you naturally stop needing that constant
approval from outside, And ironically, that's exactly when the real
change starts. When you stop demanding validation. That's when you
truly begin to receive it, often from yourself first, which
is where it counts most. The shift you are looking
(15:37):
for begins when you stop looking for it everywhere else.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
A really profound narrative on finding confidence and clarity. Thanks
for diving deep with us on this one today
Welcome back to the deep dive Today. We're really digging
into something fundamental. Self esteem.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Absolutely it touches well.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Everything we've gone through Victoria Price's guide on building confidence,
tackling doubt and our goal, our mission for you today
is to give you the whole story, a complete, detailed
summary of that journey to you know, self mastery.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
It really is laid out like a story arc. You
have to get the diagnosis before you can understand the cure, right,
But maybe first let's pin down what we actually mean
by self esteem. It gets tossed around a lot.
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Good point. The simple definition, you know, Oxford Dictionary style
is confidence in one's own worth or abilities.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Pretty straightforward, sure, but social psychology gives it a bit
more nuanced. Think Smith, Mackey and Claypool. They make this
great distinction, which is okay. So self concept is what
you think about yourself, like I'm a decent cook, I'm tall, whatever, facts,
sort of the what's exactly yeah, But self esteem that's
how you feel about those things. It's the overall vibe
(01:00):
positive or negative you attached to your self concept, your
feeling of worthiness.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
And Price really pushes back on the idea that this
feeling is like totally private, right. We think we can
hide it, put.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
On a brave face. But the book argues that mask
is pretty see through. Your self esteem leaks out. It's
in your posture, how you handle pressure, the choices you make.
It's visible.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
It's the first domino, essentially.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Totally the fundamental block, she calls it. If that one's shaky,
everything else wabbles your career. Maybe you aim low because
you don't feel you deserve more, your happiness and definitely
your relationships.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Okay, let's talk about that relationship link. How does low
self esteem make someone vulnerable there? It's often overlooked.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Well, think about it. If you don't value yourself deep down,
you're more likely to put up with well with.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Bad treatment, You tolerate disrespect Exactly.
Speaker 2 (01:52):
The research shows a really clear, unfortunate link between low
self esteem and ending up in unhealthy or even abusive relationships.
Secretly believe you're unworthy someone treating you poorly. It almost
confirms that inner belief that bottom line will talk about.
Speaker 1 (02:06):
Wow, Okay, that really highlights why understanding the diagnosis the
symptoms is so critical. Where does the guide say most
people stand right now?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Statistically speaking, You're probably not alone if you struggle. The
research suggests something like eighty percent of people worldwide deal
with low self esteem to some degree.
Speaker 1 (02:27):
Eighty percent. That's staggering, it.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
Is, But the book makes a key point. It's not
an illness you should feel ashamed of. It's more like
a really unhelpful, detrimental state of mind, but a very common,
very normal human condition.
Speaker 1 (02:40):
Sadly, okay, so it's common. Let's break down those symptoms,
the signs of this struggle, so people listening can maybe
recognize these patterns. What's the checklist look like?
Speaker 2 (02:49):
Well, a big one is fear, just pervasive fear. Fear
what specifically, fear of being ridiculed is huge. This means
you end up valuing what other people think way more
than your own judgment. And really to that is the
fear of taking risks, so you play it safe. You
play it safe, aim low in jobs, avoid challenges because
the thought of failing or even just disappointing someone feels unbearable.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
When that fear must lead to emotional.
Speaker 2 (03:11):
Stuff, right, Oh, definitely, anxiety and depression are major symptoms.
The guide even mentions the huge spike and antidepressant use.
I think it was something like a four hundred percent
rise in the last decade.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Wow. And the suggestion is pills might be masking something deeper.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Kind of the argument is that medication treats the symptom,
which is vital for many, of course, but things like
mindfulness can actually help restructure the underlying thought patterns address
the cause, not just the effect.
Speaker 1 (03:40):
An anxiety. How does that show up physically?
Speaker 2 (03:43):
Often through breathing, erratic shallow breathing. It can spiral into
full blown panic attacks, especially in social settings. Social anxiety
is a big one.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
Okay, moving on to relationships. How does low self esteem
mess things up there?
Speaker 2 (03:56):
It can get really chaotic. If you don't value yourself,
you might have really low expectations for partners or friends.
You might let yourself be used or taken for granted
just to get any kind of connection or.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Approval, which leads right into neediness.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
I imagine exactly that constant craving for validation, like always
asking your partner do you really love me? Not just
for reassurance, but because you genuinely, deep down doubt you're lovable.
Speaker 1 (04:20):
And the flip side can happen too, right, like defensiveness,
where any feedback even if it's meant to be helpful,
feels like a personal attack, like mockery. It just shuts
down any chance to grow.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
All these things sound like forms of self sabotage.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
They absolutely are. Other examples saying yes to everything because
you feel you need to earn your place or be
a martyr, or the opposite, putting others down, bullying basically.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, the bully projecting their own low self worth. It's sad,
really it is.
Speaker 1 (04:49):
And don't forget just basic self neglect, letting healter, team slide,
not sleeping well, poor diet. It all fuels the negative cycle.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
And internally what's going on.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Inside comparison, always measuring yourself against others and finding yourself lacking. Yeah,
and hypervigilance, always scanning for science. People don't like you
reading into things, misinterpreting a joke as criticism. Okay, so
that's the What where does this whole story begin? The
guide points back to childhood, doesn't it very early on?
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yes, And this is where it gets quite sensitive, especially
for parents. There's a big warning about unintentional harm.
Speaker 1 (05:26):
The throwaway comments.
Speaker 2 (05:27):
Exactly about a kid being a bit chubby or not
getting top marks, or their appearance. Even if said lightly,
those words can lodge themselves in the subconscious.
Speaker 1 (05:38):
And they pop up later.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
They surface during vulnerable times. Yeah, like proof that you're
fundamentally flawed. Those words have stain power.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And it's not just parents, is it. Cere groups are
huge too, Mm hmm.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
Judith Richerris's work really highlights that parents shape the environment,
but once kids are in school, peers have massive.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Influence, which unfortunately can include bullying.
Speaker 2 (05:58):
Right, and the guy breaks bullying down, showing how it
just decimates confidence. There's the obvious physical kind, then verbal
name calling insults, which sadly still happens in adult workplaces.
Speaker 1 (06:11):
Then the less obvious.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
Types emotional bullying, spreading rumors, isolating someone damaging their reputation.
It's covert, sneaky, and of course cyberbullying relentless, inescapable. The
guide mentions Amanda Toad's tragic story as an example of
just how severe the impact can be and the effects
last for decades. The source notes mentioned feelings of helplessness
(06:34):
from severe bullying lingering for fifty years. It creates deep
issues with trust. Maybe passive anger turned inward.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
So that negative feeling just becomes the default state. Okay,
this feels like a turning point in this story. We've
identified the problem. Now we need to understand the mechanics
keeping people stuck.
Speaker 2 (06:54):
Yes, let's call this part the inner turn. It's about
understanding the internal landscape. Mass offers a useful way to
think about self esteem levels. What are the categories he
talks about strong self esteem, realistic expectations, less fear of
messing up than vulnerable self esteem. This is interesting. It
looks like high confidence.
Speaker 1 (07:11):
On the outside take it till you make it sort of.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
But without the inner resilience. So when they do face setbacks,
they crash hard because they weren't really prepared. And the
third shattered self esteem the lowest point where someone is
just so bogged down by negativity they literally can't seem
to find happiness even when good things happen.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Why is that state so hard to climb out of?
Speaker 2 (07:33):
Because of something called the bottom line cycle. This bottom
line is that core negative belief about yourself, often set
up by critical voices from the past. It's like your
internal operating system.
Speaker 1 (07:44):
Okay, this sounds crucial. How does this bottom line keep
itself going.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Through two really destructive filters? First, bias perception. Your operating
system says you're no good, so your brain actively looks
for evidence to prove it right.
Speaker 1 (07:59):
So like, if nine people say something nice and one
person offers mild criticism.
Speaker 2 (08:04):
You latch onto the criticism. You barely even register the praise.
You filter reality to confirm your negative self view.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
Wow, it's depressing, but I guess see how it happens.
What's the second filter?
Speaker 2 (08:15):
Biased interpretation? This is even sneakier. When you do get
genuine praise, your brain twists it. You think, oh, they're
just being nice, or they must want something, or they
feel sorry.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
For me, so you dismiss the positive evidence completely.
Speaker 2 (08:28):
It invalidates any external proof that contradicts your negative bottom line.
See how it's a closed loop. It just reinforces itself.
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Okay, breaking that cycle feels like the core challenge. We
need tools, practical steps. Where does the guide start us off.
Speaker 2 (08:42):
With learning from observation, shifting your focus outward and also
making a physical change.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
How does that work?
Speaker 2 (08:49):
Step one is external? Go somewhere public, like a busy cafe.
Just watch people who seem happy, confident.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
Not to compare yourself negative crucially, just to observe.
Speaker 2 (09:01):
Notice that confident people aren't necessarily perfect. They might be
dressed casually, maybe not conventionally attractive, but they carry themselves
with a certain ease. It sets a realistic baseline.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
Okay, establish what real confidence looks like.
Speaker 2 (09:14):
Then then you turn inward with the mirror test. Literally,
stand in front of a mirror. Look at your posture.
Are you slumped trying to shrink yourself? Then consciously practice
standing tall, walking with your shoulders back, head held high.
Speaker 1 (09:26):
Does changing your posture actually change how you feel?
Speaker 2 (09:29):
The book argues, yes, absolutely, it's a feedback loop. Projecting
confidence changes how others see you, which feeds back to you,
but it also directly impacts your own self perception. You
start to shed that timid mouse feeling.
Speaker 1 (09:41):
Okay, physical shift first, what's next for tackling the internal
state like that? Anxiety?
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Breathing and relaxation. These are your core tools for managing
the physical side of low self esteem, especially panic or
social anxiety.
Speaker 1 (09:55):
Is there a specific technique?
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yes, proper diaphragmatic breathing slowly inhale through your nose. The
nosehirs act like filters. Hold it for a second, then
exhale fully through your mouth. Put a hand on your
upper abdomen just below the ribs to feel it rise
and fall. Get that rhythm going, deep breaths, not shallow
chest ones.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And for general stress are trouble.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Sleeping, systematic relaxation. Lie down comfortably, keep the rhythmic breathing going.
Then you systematically tense and relax different muscle groups. Start
with your toes, tense them, hold, release, Move up to
your feet, calves, thighs, all the way up to your
face and scalp. It forces your body to let go
of stored tension.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
Okay, so we've observed adjusted posture, learned to breathe. We're prepared.
Now it feels like we move into action.
Speaker 2 (10:42):
The final face exactly the ascent. This is where we
build mastery and shift focus towards self confidence, which the
book defines more specifically as belief in your ability to
do things to succeed in tasks, an offshoot of self esteem.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
What's the first action?
Speaker 2 (10:59):
Stay volunteerism. It sounds simple, maybe, but it's powerful. It
builds confidence by shifting your focus from your own perceived
lax to contributing something positive outside yourself.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
But there's a right way and a wrong way to approach.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
It isn't there absolutely key You have to go in
with humility, no strings attached. Don't do it just to
get thanged or praised, because you might not and then
you'll feel worse.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
So give without expecting anything back.
Speaker 2 (11:23):
Pretty much, whether it's you know, walking dogs at a
shelter great for exercise and purpose, or helping out a
soup kitchen, finding human connection, It teaches you responsibility, adaptability.
It shows you tangibly that you have value and skills
to offer. You see your purpose through action.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Okay, volunteerism builds value. What about dealing with those nagging
internal doubts that always pop up?
Speaker 2 (11:46):
Overcoming doubts? The book stresses that doubts aren't the enemy,
they're actually natural. They show your thinking ahead considering risks.
The key is not letting them define you.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
How do you manage them?
Speaker 2 (11:58):
Then a few strategies for just acknowledge the doubt, then
triverbalizing it seriously, saying I'm really doubting I can handle
this presentation out loud makes it feel smaller, more manageable
than when it's just swirling in your.
Speaker 1 (12:12):
Head, makes sense less overwhelming.
Speaker 2 (12:14):
Then crucially, forgive yourself for past mistakes see them as
learning opportunities, not proof of failure, and finally focus on
your strengths.
Speaker 1 (12:23):
Like the example of the book.
Speaker 2 (12:24):
Yeah, the woman who lost her job felt awful, but
then realized her crochet hobby wasn't just a hobby. She
built an online community around it, turned it into a
business that became her source of confidence, tapping into something
she was already good at.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
What if the doubts and anxiety are really deep seated though?
Speaker 2 (12:40):
That's where the guide mentions the therapy toolkit acknowledging the
role of professional help.
Speaker 1 (12:45):
Can you briefly touch on the types?
Speaker 2 (12:46):
Sure? Psychodynamic therapy tends to look at the past, digging
for the roots of those feelings. Interpersonal therapy focuses on
your current relationships and how they play out.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
In CBT, that one comes up a lot right.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
Cognitive behavioral therapy CBT is very present focused. It's about
identifying and actively restructuring those negative thought patterns now. And
there's also exposure therapy, often used for specific fears or phobias,
gradually facing the thing you're afraid of in a safe
way to lessen the anxiety. Over time, it shows you
the feared outcome usually doesn't happen.
Speaker 1 (13:19):
Okay, Therapy is a tool. What's the ultimate technique the
guide points towards for managing the mind day to day.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
It really culminates in mindfulness and meditation.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
How are they defined here?
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Mindfulness is about learning to observe yourself your surroundings neutrallly,
without judgment. You cut through the noise of worrying about
the future or regretting the past by anchoring yourself firmly
in the present moment using your senses. Like the coffee
example exactly, instead of just gulping it down while worrying,
you actually notice the aroma, feel the warmth of the mug,
(13:52):
taste the coffee, or seeing do on a spider web
not as messy, but noticing the way the light makes
it sparkle like diamonds. Replace the negative mental chatter with
actual sensory experience and meditation. Meditation is the more structured
practice of clearing the mind. Think of Si Dartha Gautama
seeking answers under the body tree. It's about intentionally letting
(14:12):
go of those deep beliefs of unworthiness, creating mental space
so solutions and clarity can.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
Emerge, so that brings us through the whole journey, the
whole story arc. What's the final message the synthesis?
Speaker 2 (14:24):
I think the core message is self compassion, Be gentle
with yourself. Recognize that yes, external sings those childhood comments
pure dynamics. They influence your self esteem, but your reaction,
how you internalize it, that's where your power lies. You
can choose to walk away internally from negativity.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
And it's personal right. High self esteem isn't one size fits.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
All, definitely not. It's compounded by self. What makes you
feel worthy, achievement, kindness, creativity, something else entirely that's unique
to you. Your definition of a life well lived is
your own.
Speaker 1 (14:56):
So the final push from the guide.
Speaker 2 (14:58):
Is don't get stuck over thinking. Don't wait until you
feel perfect to start. The only real failure, it suggests,
is doing nothing. You have to engage in your own
rescue mission. Start taking those small steps, and we'll leave.
Speaker 1 (15:12):
You with this final thought to chew on something that
really struck me from the material.
Speaker 2 (15:16):
Yeah, it's powerful. The moment you genuinely commit to valuing
yourself to self love, you naturally stop needing that constant
approval from outside, And ironically, that's exactly when the real
change starts. When you stop demanding validation. That's when you
truly begin to receive it, often from yourself first, which
is where it counts most. The shift you are looking
(15:37):
for begins when you stop looking for it everywhere else.
Speaker 1 (15:40):
A really profound narrative on finding confidence and clarity. Thanks
for diving deep with us on this one today
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