March 18, 2025 • 33 mins
Rachel Sobel is an award-winning writer, author, speaker, do-over wife, mom to two girls, short-order cook, laundress, lunch packer, boo-boo kisser and chauffeur. She was awarded Romper's 2020 People's Choice Award at Mom 2.0 and is a two-time finalist for Parenting Blogger of the Year in the South Florida Blogger Awards. She’s the creator and cohost of the lifestyle podcast, Friends Without Benefits, with co-host Dale McLean, the in-arena host of the Miami Heat and host of their 2023 All Star Game. She has work published in two anthologies, including Jen Mann’s New York Times Best Seller, I Just Want to Hang Out with You. Rachel has written for HuffPost, Romper, Today Show Parents, PopSugar, ScaryMommy, Filter Free Parents, MommyNearest, Insider, She’s Got Issues and more. She has appeared on NPR, The Doctors, The Tamron Hall Show and The Kelly Clarkson Show.
Connect with Rachel:
Web: whineandcheezits.com
IG: @whineandcheezits
FB: @whineandcheezits
YT: @rachelsobel1882
Connect with Rachel:
Web: whineandcheezits.com
IG: @whineandcheezits
FB: @whineandcheezits
YT: @rachelsobel1882
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Needle Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:43):
Doesn't Suck. I'm Wendy Sloan and I'm so excited for
my guests today. We can just stop here on her
Instagram handle at Wine and Cheese Its and then we
can be done. But she's the Award winning writer, author, speaker,
do over wife, mom to two Girls, Booboo Kisser Show,
for and more. I had to say, I have to
say all of this. She was awarded Rompers twenty twenty
(01:04):
People's Choice Award at Mom two point zero two time
Finals for Parenting Blogger of the Year in South Florida
Blogger Awards. She is also creator and co host of
the lifestyle podcast Friends Without Benefits, The Inn Arena, host
of the Miami Heat, and hosts of the twenty twenty
three All Star Games. Okay, so we have to stop
there for one quick second because I'm from Miami. So
(01:26):
when I read that, I was like, what I had
to tell my son? We're big basketball fans. She has
been on everything from The Today Show, Parents, Pop Sugar,
Scary Mommy and Moore, appeared on The Doctor's tammeron Hall
so much more. To top it off, she lives in
my hometown of South Florida with her two kids, with
her two kids and her final husband And how did
(01:48):
we never meet? I guess I've been gone a long time.
Welcome to my show, Rachel Sobel. I had to say
all that. It's a lot, but you're like amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to
be here, to have you here. So I don't dreams.
I don't want to crush your dreams. But no, not
the inn Aerita host that of the Heat. That is
my co host Stale McLean, who is Florida famous and
involved in all the sports teams. But if it makes
you feel better, I did growing up when the Heat
(02:16):
first started here, we had season tickets. So maybe you
can just you know, sit on that connection and feel
better about it.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Listen, I just read the Miami Heat in Arena and
I didn't get past any of that because I was like,
I'm a huge fan. Although I'm a big Knicks fan,
I have to stay the biggest because if my son
was listening, which you will never listen to the show,
but anyway, I'm a big basketball fan and regardless, like
cool that you had season tickets. Anyway, Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It was very cool.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
We'll just pretend like you are it, but we'll leave
it aside. But anyway, fine, I'll take it so much.
So wait, so my hometown is South Florida.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
That's crazy where well in Miami Okay, but I've been
gone a long time.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I mean I left right after college. I went to
or To State left right after that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
And then you're my rival. Then I'm a Gator. Yeah geez,
we started off so well and the call now, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
We're done. Let's don't even do the interview, forget it.
Oh but it's it's there's still rivals all this time.
I mean, I'm older than you, but imagine that. But
when I was growing up, though, literally my only choices
were Florida State and Florida.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
I didn't a very Florida thing. That's a very like
all parents because everyone you know, Florida prepaid and all
that kind of stuff. But I had my heart set
on going to Tulane, which I had never been to
New Orleans in my life ever. I just decided. I
decided I was going to Tulane based on no logic whatsoever.
And my parents were like, you have to visit the
Florida schools first. And I went to University of Florida
(03:49):
on a football weekend, and once I saw the streets
like literally orange and blue with people, I was like,
I'm going here and I didn't even I think. I
visited FSU and UCF and I I ever looked back
and I completely just fell in love with the University
of Florida the best four years of my life.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Oh my god, the two bad they're two bet great schools.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
They really are they really.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I mean, you couldn't go wrong. Even though we're rivals,
you still couldn't go wrong. I mean, and I thought
of it, I go, why didn't I ever go? See
the Why didn't I ever go to the University of Florida.
I don't understand. University of Miami was never happening because
that was like fifteen minutes from my house.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
And it's crazy expensive. It's like, I mean, it's agate
school nuts. Yeah, yeah that too, so oh wow, so
much in common. And I know you're you were a
journalism major. Yeah, and I was a journalism minor. So
we have all that and so much worth. Okay, so
where to start.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We're going to dive deep into your passion, finding peace therapy,
moving on to a better, healthy, better and healthier relationships.
But first, can we hear your personal story? Because you
have two kids, you're on your second and final marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
That's it, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Take us back, Take us back to your personal story.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So I got divorced after just a very tumultuous and
toxic relationship in my mid thirties, and honestly, I wasn't
even thinking past that. I was very broken. I was
I felt like I failed. I felt like I, you know,
my daughter was going to be in a divorced situation
(05:20):
with shared parenting, and I felt tremendous guilt over that.
I literally laid on my closet floor of the first,
like my post divorce, you know, townhouse, first time I
ever lived by myself, because I went straight from my
parents' house to living with my ex husband, and I
was just a mess. I just didn't even know where
to start. And I know a lot of people kind
(05:42):
of dive into dating to get their feet wet, and
I think that's great. I was not in any condition
to talk to anyone, like I didn't want to be
around half my friends. I was so just devastated. And
so after I think like a full year of just
really focusing on myself and going to the gym and
doing yoga classes and trying new things and really just
spending time with my daughter and focusing all my energy
(06:06):
on her, I got much more comfortable in my own skin.
My friends forced me to go on match dot com.
I had never you know, I wasn't in relationships in
the era of online dating. I got married right after
shortly after college, you know, a few years after college,
so I really I didn't have any experience with that,
and it was harrowing and crazy, and I felt like
(06:26):
I was on like the Prices right when all the
lights are flashing and my fresh meat on the site,
and it's not you know, people think it's fun. Maybe
it is for me. I don't do well in those situations.
I'm a serial monogamist. I like to be in one
relationship that is, you know, I don't like to date around.
I've never been like that. It's just I don't know,
it's out of my wheelhouse. And I just got very
(06:46):
lucky that I met my now husband on Match within
forty eight hours of being on Match. And once I
started talking to him, you know, there were a couple
other guys. My friends were like, just talk to people
and get your moji back. You don't have to go
on dates with them. And I think that was some
of the best advice I got, because you really there's
no obligation to date anyone, right, so, like you can
(07:08):
test your flirting skills and your stuff over whatever, and
there's no you don't lose anything, you don't have to
see these people ever again. And so I do think
that was really helpful in kind of like putting myself
out there again and feeling comfortable, learning how to flirt
and be you know, playful. But my husband and I
connected really quickly and within you know, five minutes of
playing the game of oh we both live in South Florida.
(07:30):
Who do you know? We had a million connections and
actually realized that we were at University of Florida the
same exact time, been in his apartment many times. I
know his roommates a journey brothers. We never laid eyes
on each other ever. We have been at weddings together
when we were both single, never met, And it's crazy
because we have mutual friends, one in particular, who I've
(07:52):
known since I'm a teenager and was his best friend
in college, who never even thought to introduce us. So
it's really interesting and I think also kind of like
a testament to timing and the universe and all that stuff.
And I would have been fine being single. I the
way I looked at it was I'm in my mid thirties.
I think it was thirty five, thirty six. I'm in
my mid thirties. I have a great kid, I have
(08:13):
a great family, have amazing girlfriends, and if I am
single for the rest of my life, I'm okay with it.
And you know, then I met Jason and it all
changed and we just we knew very quickly. I mean
we talked within months that we wanted to spend our
lives together and be together. He had divorced, no kids,
so but we just it was just comfortable, and it
(08:33):
was everything I'd never experienced and all the things that
I didn't know that I needed, if that makes sense. Like,
you know, there were some growing pains, sure, because I
was a mother and it's hard because you don't want
to relinquish any control with your kid, but you're bringing
another person into life. So there were a lot of
learning curves and experiences. But yeah, he's the best thing
(08:54):
that ever happened to me.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I'm amazed. So you guys literally were intertwined in each
other's lives didn't even know it. And you're right. See
that's the divine of the universe, right, It's just are
meant to be, They're meant to be.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
One hundred percent, and he's a New Yorker. He's a
Knicks fan, by the way, he's not. He doesn't like
to tell a lot of people that because I know
they're not yeah right now, but he's a major Knicks fan.
He does not support any Florida teams. He gets really
annoyed at my family because they're all, like, you know,
University of Miami fans Florida and the only Florida team
he supports is UF because he's an alumni. But he yeah,
(09:32):
we just think about it. We're like, I wonder if
there's pictures out there, you know, you hear those weird stories,
like you know when you see a picture from the
eighties or nineties and someone is in it that you
didn't realize, And I'm waiting for that to happen. But
we have so many connection points that we should have met.
And I know his fraternity brothers, like I know all
of them and they were all together, but I never
(09:52):
met him. So also, I mean I was like a
sorority girl with a bow in my hair and having
that whole fun and he had like a pierced eyebrow
and all those things. We probably we played hockey sack outside.
We lived in the same dorm too. We lived in
the same dorm. That's crazy. I said to him, like
it's crazy. I'm like, where did you hang out? He's like, Oh,
I played hockey sack. I'm like, that's why we never met.
I would have never dated a loser who played hackey
(10:13):
sack in the front, you know. So it was a
different time I met.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Wow, the universe it works in magical ways when it's
meant to happen, and it was meant to happen for you,
and now you're happily ever after, which is what I
say all the time, like, this is what happened to me,
this is how I got here, this is how I
got to the other side. I'm living my best life,
whether it's I mean, I just interviewed someone recently who
was on her fourth husband. She's divorced three times, but
she's the happiest person in the whole world. So it
(10:41):
is what it is. So let's start with your story
as a writer, your background in pr he majored in journalism.
We talked about that a little bit. How did all
the writings start? But before we get into that, Rachel
is just going to take a quick break for a
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(12:33):
How did all the writing and all your social media?
I know it was started off as a hobby, right, yeah.
I mean because my background is in PR.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Writing has always been a part of my job because
that's such a big part of any kind of marketing job,
but especially public relations and I've always loved creative writing too.
Like my mom and I were laughing the other day
thinking about I think I was probably eight in elementary
school and I was on TV because I wrote a
creative essay about why my mom was my hero or
something like that. So even when I was little, I
(13:01):
was always dabbling with writing stories, and my friends always
called me the storyteller because the way I would tell
a story, the way I write is the way I speak,
so it may not always be grammatically correct, but it's me.
It's very on brand for me, and I kind of
leaned into that. And when I was working a full
time job and a software company because my background was
in tech, I just was miserable. I was in my
(13:26):
late thirties at that time. Everyone else around me was
in their twenties and maybe thirties, and they were all,
you know, very cool, with burning the midnight oil and
going to happy hours, and I had a kid at
home and I was a little bit older, and I
was done with that part of my life. And I
also didn't like I felt like there's a lot of
parts of corporate America, especially in female heavy companies, where
there was a lot of mean girl stuff going on,
(13:47):
and I don't play that game like I do. There's
a couple of hard boundaries for me. If I am
talking to a woman, I am a girl's girl through
and through. But if you're a mean girl, I'm out.
And if I hear you gossiping about your friends, I'm out.
Are like my two hard stocks. And so I noticed
a lot of that in this particular company, and at
that time I was I think Jason and I were engaged.
(14:10):
I didn't even think we were married yet, and I
was like, I can't get married and have a baby
potentially and be at this job. I can't. And so
we just kind of hatched a whole plan together of
what it would look like if I left and started freelancing.
And I think the best thing I ever did for
myself was that because I'm Type A, but also I
learned I actually have ADHD and that's probably really what
it is. I never stopped freelancing, So even when I
(14:33):
was working full time, if old clients came to me
or you know, people were like, hey, I need web
copy for this company, I never said no. So totally inadvertently,
I built a whole funnel of freelance clients so that
when I was ready to leave, I already had that
in place, and I was able to match my salary
pretty easily, and it made it easy to leave that
job and go off on my own. And I just, yeah,
(14:55):
I started. Instead of writing for other people, I started
writing about my life and my family, and it really
was a hobby. And then it took off in ways
I never expected and became a full time thing, and
I'm grateful for it every day.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Oh my gosh, so was it. It must have been
scary to lead the corporate world. God.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I have never not had a pay check. I've been
working since fourteen or fifteen, you know, starting from summer
camps to working in a local bakery. I've always had
money in my pocket. And the idea of not for
someone who is type A and very plan oriented, the
idea of not knowing what my income would look like
every month was harrowing. But I had the support of
a man who was very happy being the breadwinner while
(15:35):
we figured it out and has been like that throughout
our you know, twelve years together and has never wavered
and is very supportive. Is my biggest cheerleader. And when
I felt like giving up and still when I question myself. Now,
he's the one who's like, no, you don't even see
what you have. You are going to do this, and
you are going to write a book, and you were
going to He's like just such a good supporter, and
(15:56):
so I would not be able to, you know, have
done anything without his guidance, honestly, And.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
You are you are one amazing writer. I mean no,
I mean it like, so you write about life, you
write about family, you write about motherhood, and I just
want to read this little little bit. It's one of
the things you wrote. And this resonated I married the
wrong person, like holding to a life preserver that is
keeping you alive but also floating through impossibly what impossible
(16:23):
waters and angry waves crashing all around. Almost a decade
of this debilitating dance, we finally divorced. I mean, I
can't tell you probably and you know this, how many
women feel like that or have been situation And just
you're writing it just like it sends waves all over
Like everything that you write, it's just because you're writing
(16:44):
about real life, writing about all the things that most
people at some point or another are feeling.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yeah, and that's I think what I love about it
most is the connection that I form with complete strangers,
because without fail when I write something like that, you
know not that the funny stuff is. And I love
being funny. There is no bigger compliment when someone says
you are so funny. That's better than being called pretty,
you know what I mean, because you can't. You can't.
You don't just become funny. It's something that is in you.
(17:10):
And I want my kids to be funny, like I
just think it's an incredible attribute to have. And it's
a good coping skill too. And things get messy, but
I value when I hear from women who are going
through divorce and they'll reach out and say, hey, I
saw this article you wrote and it gives me hope
and all that stuff. And I love that because I don't.
It hurts my heart to think of women being stuck
(17:33):
in a situation. And the reality is is that it
is very expensive to get divorced. And I get mad
about that because I think our legal system is so
incredibly broken, because there are women who desperately need to
be away from abusive partners or just they're in a
very bad situation that is not mentally or physically healthy.
For them and their children. And they can't leave, and
(17:56):
it's not for lack of wanting to. They physically can't
pay a lawyer. They can't tell their husband they want
to get divorced because he controls the money. There are
just so many messed up things about it, and so
I just hope that when people read my words and
read my stories, they kind of, you know, start to
lean into that it's okay to leave. It's not waving
a white flag. It's actually takes tremendous strength to walk away.
(18:19):
It's much easier to stay in a bad situation. Honestly,
it really is. It's much easier.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And even if it's not a bad situation, but you're
just unhappy and you're living that unhappy life, and then
your kids are watching you live that life, so then
they're going to go probably live that same life. But
there's so many people like you said, that cannot afford
to get out, so they stay, and they stay in
abusive relationships, they say, and unhappy relationships. And yes, the
(18:44):
court system is so broken. And I talk to attorneys
from all from San Diego, from Miami, all over, and
they all say the same thing. And it's not getting
any better.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
No, it's terrible. It really needs like a complete overhaul,
and it's it's just a very we're in a very
sad time where people don't have agency to fix things
in there, Like even with the part you mentioned about
the kids. I feel so passionate when people talk about
staying for the kids. And I would never tell anyone
to get divorced, because that is not my job. You
have to. I mean, that's probably one of the most
(19:16):
common messages I get. How did you know it was time?
But da, da, da da, When do I get divorced?
It's so it's such a subjective and personal experience for everyone,
and only you know if it's something that you are
ready to do, and it's okay if you're not ready,
if it takes you five years to be ready, you
do it when you're ready. But I want people to know,
as someone who's been divorced, but also someone who's a
(19:37):
child of divorce, do not stay for the kids. Because
I walked into relationships after being in a house where
my parents had a very volatile and argumentative relationship and
then never resolved anything. They would just fight until they
were so tired that then they would move on. To
the next day. So I never saw active resolution to conflict.
(20:00):
I never saw I just saw the fighting, and I
would be on edge waiting for that you know, period
to be over, and then it was over, and it
was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well,
guess what, I walked into relationships just like that. So
if you're paying for your kids, even if you think
that you're doing everything right, kids pick up on feelings
and tone and all that stuff, even if you don't
speak a single word about it. And I'm just begging
(20:23):
women all the time to say, list please listen to
me as someone who lived it, it's not a better situation.
You're not doing your kid any favors. You're not right.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And you hear all the time, I'm staying till the
kids go to college. I'm staying till the kids get older.
But why are you doing that? Because you're not helping
your children.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Oh and I understand like they and I think it's
a very generational thing too, right, Like my parents are boomers. Okay,
so like that generation, no one got divorced. You did
wait until your kids left, and sometimes you didn't even
get divorced after that. You just existed in a loveless,
sexless marriage and just went through the motions just to
stay married. I think from Gen X on, you know,
(21:02):
my generation, people got a lot braver and they were like,
screw this, I'm not staying in this. I'm not going
to like wither away and stay in a marriage like
my parents did. And I went through years of introspection.
You know, I this didn't just happen. This didn't. It
wasn't I didn't wake up one day and say, oh,
we need to get divorced. This was something that was
for years on my mind, and it took me so
(21:25):
much time to build up the strength and courage to
figure out how I was going to navigate my life
from every aspect, from being a single mother, to being
single among all my married friends, to having a child,
be you know, friends with everyone's parents who are married.
I mean, it's very uncomfortable, it's not it's a messy situation,
but that's not a reason not to do it, because
(21:46):
once you come out on the other side of it, it's.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
A whole new world. It is a whole new world.
And I'm someone who's been divorced a very long time
and chose to stay single and raise my kids until
they were I said, when they go to college. But
then of course happened during their college, and so I
still stayed single. And I'm I'm living my best, happiest life.
Whether I date or I don't date, it's it's all good.
(22:10):
So it's and and that's why that's why this podcast
is so important. So because when I got divorced, there
was nobody for me to talk to, nobody for me
to listen to. There was no Rachel Soulbls out there
for me to you know, read the stories. And it's
so this is such a great thing that you're doing
so on a daily basis, do you. I know you
talk a lot about mental health and motherhood, which is
(22:31):
very important. Yeah, And also most of what you talk
about is real life stories from from your You draw
from your personal experience as well. And it's important for
people to know that they're not alone. Right, So going
through something, you're not alone, no matter how horrible, how
terrible it is. So even reading these things and hearing
these things like our talk today is so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yeah, I agree, and I think that you know, I've
said this so many times. Social media gets a bad
rep for good reason, because there's a lot of really
ugly things that go on in social media right There
are kids who are weaponizing it to bully others. There
are adults who are doing the same thing. You go
to any news story about abnormal person or a celebrity,
and the comments are filled with hate, and it's a
really ugly place sometimes. But what I've found is that
(23:13):
if you can carve out the right algorithm for yourself
and really find the right people, it can be healing
and therapizing. And you know, when you find commonality with someone,
especially with those messier parts of life, you feel seen
and you feel validated, and you know, some of these
conversations are really hard to have. And I know what
(23:34):
I notice the most is that there's a lot of
women who DM me or when I do Confessions on Wednesdays,
they confess deeply personal things, and it just proves to me.
What my takeaway from it is that a lot of
these people don't have circles they feel comfortable sharing a
lot of this stuff with because they're afraid of being
judged and they're afraid that people will look in the
different look at them differently, or you know, have really
(23:57):
strong opinions, and so there's this really interesting safety strangers,
like safety in confiding in strangers, and I get that
some people think it's weird, but I totally understand. I
don't want to tell someone the intimate details of what's
going on in a failing marriage and then see them
in the target parking lot. It's just a very comforting
thing to have a space to be able to share
(24:18):
some things that you're having a hard time with and
then find people who are going through the same thing.
And even if you never talk to them, you just know,
like you said, there's someone out there, you know, having
the same struggles. And I think that's why I shifted
so many times in my social media and what I
talked about, because I shifted away from doing funny memes
and all these things that most motherhood based writers start with,
(24:39):
because I didn't want to just be like a page
for jokes. I wanted to be a page that offered
support and camaraderie and a sisterhood and resources for people
who just want to, like be able to live the
best life they can. And I love that you stayed single,
and I love that people the people who when they
come out of a you know there's two kinds of people.
(25:01):
Some people like to jump right into something because you
know it distracts them, and I get it. The greatest
thing I did for myself was staying single for that year.
People really know myself, and I don't think I would
have found a healthy relationship if I jumped right into
something for me, because I would have not dealt with
any of that baggage or the hurt or the healing.
(25:22):
And guess what, I'm thirteen years out of a divorce
and married to another man, and I'm still healing. I'm
still realizing things that really messed with me from my
past that I never really gave airtime to. And I
think that's part of the whole journey of being a
mother and a woman and an adult is like having
that self awareness and introspection to think about the things
(25:42):
that you need to heal in yourself before you open
your heart to someone else.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
That's why I love what you do and what you write,
because it's so raw and it's real, and it's from
the heart, and it's from the gut, and it's from
the wounds, and it's from all of that, all of
your experiences and the experience the people that come and
ask you questions and are you know, are your followers?
Speaker 2 (26:05):
And I love I do. I feel like it's this.
I mean, it's you know, it's it's one hundred something
thousand people, but I feel like I have this community
who is so ride or die. And when I post
things from other women and it's like, you know, really
hard things they're going through. The messages I get, please
connect them with me, Please send them this resource, And
(26:26):
I'm like, you know, these people aren't just here to like,
you know, comment on stuff and make smart remarks, like
they see things in other people that they've experienced and
they genuinely want to help in some way. And that
makes me feel like I am doing something meaningful instead
of just having this you know, cookie cutter page where
I'm posting about moighorhood really trying to just meet people
(26:48):
where they are. And that's why I feel like my
writing constantly shifts too, is because as I go through
stuff and navigate it, after I process it, I write
about it because I want other people to know that
they're not alone and all those things. And so yeah,
it's like a cycle. It's like this wonderful cycle that
keeps going and as much as they're getting something from it.
I am too. It's very beneficial for me. It's very being,
(27:11):
it really really is, and it's like such a good
accompaniment to real therapy.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I mean, your heart must be so full when you're
getting these feedbacks from thank you think I'm sure. Thank
you so much for saying that. Thank you so much
for making me feel that I'm not alone. So your
inspiration just you keep drawing from so many different parts
of you and from other people. It's amazing advice for
struggling moms. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Hanging in there. It's not there's no silver bullet. Like
life is hard. Marriage is hard, even good marriages are hard.
Motherhood is impossible. And then every time you get your bearings,
you get knocked on your ass because something else happens,
whether it's with a toddler or a teenager, and you
never get a reprieve. People keep thinking like, once she's
(28:00):
in elementary school or once she's in middle school, And
I have news for you. My older one is in
high school, my younger ones in elementary school. It doesn't
matter their ages. They all they have problems no matter
what that you have to help them navigate and I
think if a mother is struggling, it means you're doing
it right. Because if you're not struggling, you either have
your head in his hand, honestly, or you're not picking
(28:21):
up on things. There's no child in this world that
is perfect and not going through stuff. There's not, so
either they're not telling you and they're not sharing with you.
I think that no matter how much you're struggling, you
have to keep an open line of communication with your kids,
and you have to make them feel safe to tell
you anything, no matter how uncomfortable it is. And that's
not easy because as a mother, when a kid comes
(28:43):
and tells you something, sometimes you want to shake them
and be like, what is wrong with you? But if
you make them feel judged the same way we talked
about earlier, with you know, talking to other women, they
will not come to you. And so I think that
you kind of solve some of your own struggles in
motherhood when you cement that trust with your kids, because
it becomes a much more doable process. Not easy, but doable.
(29:06):
But there's no there's no you're going to struggle. You're
going to it's going to suck. Sometimes there are times
I've been in the fetal position and cried because teenagers
are really hard. But you got to just remember that
every day is a new day. And if you have
a shitty on ologe curse. But if you have a
shitty day, you wake up the next day and it's
a new day to start over. And I tell my
kids that all the time. We can't carry every day
(29:29):
with us that next day. We have to learn from
it and figure out a way to do better. And
sometimes we nail it and sometimes we mess up, and
that's just life.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And that is just life, You're right. I mean I
remember going through my divorce and I had, you know,
very young six and seven when it started, and all
the way through, I mean, it just was like a
never ending cycle. And I just had to pick myself
up every day look at their little smiling faces, and
as long as I was happy, I know they were
going to be happy. So I just kept chugging along,
chug it along, and you know, and what I needed
(29:59):
to cry, I cry my own and my own sleep,
in my own time when the kids were at school
or whatever. It was just we'll all get through this together,
and us women are stronger together. And I'm with you.
I don't like mean girls. I don't. I'm the first
one to say, you're so beautiful, Like you got to
support we got to hold each other up and support
each other.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
It's you know, our world is so crazy with the
hate that I had an experience. I think it was
last week or the week before. There was a guy
helping me at a restaurant with takeout and he was like, oh,
I'm so sorry, it's not ready. I'm like, it's okay,
don't worry. And I was on my phone and he
came over and I said, thank you so much. I
hope your day gets easier. And he looked at me
and he goes, thank you so much. Like I didn't
(30:40):
do anything. I just made a nice comment. But like
that just shows you the void in our world of
people being kind to each other. And so I try,
and I don't sounds cheesy, but every day I try
and remember that, Like we're having these little micro interactions
with people at the grocery store at Target. I like
to make people feel good. I do so if it's
like you said, COMPLI menting you're so pretty, you're this.
(31:01):
You know how it feels when someone stranger says something
like that to you. So I try and put as
much of that into the world as I can, because
I do think that it's contagious, and I think that
when you're feeling low, if you lift someone else up,
it just it does something to your soul. So you know,
I try and do that as much as I can,
and you and you do it. I'm sure you do
it because you do it through your writing writing.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Her instagram is wine and Cheese It's where How did
that come up? By the way, how did that name come?
Speaker 2 (31:29):
It was very just serendipitous. I think I was just
thinking of I like a pun and I like things
that kind of roll off the tongue. I am a
cheese It's super fan. I love them. And when my
kids were little, I would always joke that you are
more likely to find like cheese it or goldfish crumbs
in my purse than cash, because that's true. I would
literally dust bust my purse because there would be cheese.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Its a lot.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
And the wine is because you know number one, it's
I like that innuendo of w I n e versus
w any and I'm a girl mom girls whine, They're
born whining. So there were just a lot of different
plays on it and it worked and I stuck with
it and yes it's done me good so far.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
It's amazing. Mama do over, wife, truth teller, writer, author,
her podcast Friends Without Benefits, so much more to talk about.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Please.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
I enjoyed this so much. And your keep writing, keep
doing what you're doing, keep helping, keep helping us be
strong and hold us together. Thank you for I really
appreciate this. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Thank you so much for spreading awareness about this and
helping women so we have to we have to help
each other.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Absolutely, Thanks so much. Rachel Nito Kuda Divorce and family
laws attorneys have guided Connecticut and New York families through
complex divorce actions, contested child custody, and alimony disputes for
over thirty years. Their Connecticut and New York attorneys have
extensive experience in family matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence,
mental illness, and many other X factors that can complicate
(33:00):
a divorce. Their attorneys adeptly manage privacy and reputation concerns
inherit to public divorce proceedings and the related exposure for
their ultra high net worth clients find your new path forward,
define your post divorce family, and secure an enforceable agreement
to protect your future with Needle Cuda ACT now put
the strength of their team behind you. Visit them at
(33:23):
needlecuda dot com or call two O three five five
seven nine five zero zero
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Needle Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:43):
Doesn't Suck. I'm Wendy Sloan and I'm so excited for
my guests today. We can just stop here on her
Instagram handle at Wine and Cheese Its and then we
can be done. But she's the Award winning writer, author, speaker,
do over wife, mom to two Girls, Booboo Kisser Show,
for and more. I had to say, I have to
say all of this. She was awarded Rompers twenty twenty
(01:04):
People's Choice Award at Mom two point zero two time
Finals for Parenting Blogger of the Year in South Florida
Blogger Awards. She is also creator and co host of
the lifestyle podcast Friends Without Benefits, The Inn Arena, host
of the Miami Heat, and hosts of the twenty twenty
three All Star Games. Okay, so we have to stop
there for one quick second because I'm from Miami. So
(01:26):
when I read that, I was like, what I had
to tell my son? We're big basketball fans. She has
been on everything from The Today Show, Parents, Pop Sugar,
Scary Mommy and Moore, appeared on The Doctor's tammeron Hall
so much more. To top it off, she lives in
my hometown of South Florida with her two kids, with
her two kids and her final husband And how did
(01:48):
we never meet? I guess I've been gone a long time.
Welcome to my show, Rachel Sobel. I had to say
all that. It's a lot, but you're like amazing.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to
be here, to have you here. So I don't dreams.
I don't want to crush your dreams. But no, not
the inn Aerita host that of the Heat. That is
my co host Stale McLean, who is Florida famous and
involved in all the sports teams. But if it makes
you feel better, I did growing up when the Heat
(02:16):
first started here, we had season tickets. So maybe you
can just you know, sit on that connection and feel
better about it.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
Listen, I just read the Miami Heat in Arena and
I didn't get past any of that because I was like,
I'm a huge fan. Although I'm a big Knicks fan,
I have to stay the biggest because if my son
was listening, which you will never listen to the show,
but anyway, I'm a big basketball fan and regardless, like
cool that you had season tickets. Anyway, Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 2 (02:42):
It was very cool.
Speaker 1 (02:43):
We'll just pretend like you are it, but we'll leave
it aside. But anyway, fine, I'll take it so much.
So wait, so my hometown is South Florida.
Speaker 2 (02:52):
That's crazy where well in Miami Okay, but I've been
gone a long time.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I mean I left right after college. I went to
or To State left right after that.
Speaker 2 (03:01):
And then you're my rival. Then I'm a Gator. Yeah geez,
we started off so well and the call now, yeah.
Speaker 1 (03:11):
We're done. Let's don't even do the interview, forget it.
Oh but it's it's there's still rivals all this time.
I mean, I'm older than you, but imagine that. But
when I was growing up, though, literally my only choices
were Florida State and Florida.
Speaker 2 (03:27):
I didn't a very Florida thing. That's a very like
all parents because everyone you know, Florida prepaid and all
that kind of stuff. But I had my heart set
on going to Tulane, which I had never been to
New Orleans in my life ever. I just decided. I
decided I was going to Tulane based on no logic whatsoever.
And my parents were like, you have to visit the
Florida schools first. And I went to University of Florida
(03:49):
on a football weekend, and once I saw the streets
like literally orange and blue with people, I was like,
I'm going here and I didn't even I think. I
visited FSU and UCF and I I ever looked back
and I completely just fell in love with the University
of Florida the best four years of my life.
Speaker 1 (04:06):
Oh my god, the two bad they're two bet great schools.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
They really are they really.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
I mean, you couldn't go wrong. Even though we're rivals,
you still couldn't go wrong. I mean, and I thought
of it, I go, why didn't I ever go? See
the Why didn't I ever go to the University of Florida.
I don't understand. University of Miami was never happening because
that was like fifteen minutes from my house.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
And it's crazy expensive. It's like, I mean, it's agate
school nuts. Yeah, yeah that too, so oh wow, so
much in common. And I know you're you were a
journalism major. Yeah, and I was a journalism minor. So
we have all that and so much worth. Okay, so
where to start.
Speaker 1 (04:39):
We're going to dive deep into your passion, finding peace therapy,
moving on to a better, healthy, better and healthier relationships.
But first, can we hear your personal story? Because you
have two kids, you're on your second and final marriage.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
That's it, I'm done.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Take us back, Take us back to your personal story.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
So I got divorced after just a very tumultuous and
toxic relationship in my mid thirties, and honestly, I wasn't
even thinking past that. I was very broken. I was
I felt like I failed. I felt like I, you know,
my daughter was going to be in a divorced situation
(05:20):
with shared parenting, and I felt tremendous guilt over that.
I literally laid on my closet floor of the first,
like my post divorce, you know, townhouse, first time I
ever lived by myself, because I went straight from my
parents' house to living with my ex husband, and I
was just a mess. I just didn't even know where
to start. And I know a lot of people kind
(05:42):
of dive into dating to get their feet wet, and
I think that's great. I was not in any condition
to talk to anyone, like I didn't want to be
around half my friends. I was so just devastated. And
so after I think like a full year of just
really focusing on myself and going to the gym and
doing yoga classes and trying new things and really just
spending time with my daughter and focusing all my energy
(06:06):
on her, I got much more comfortable in my own skin.
My friends forced me to go on match dot com.
I had never you know, I wasn't in relationships in
the era of online dating. I got married right after
shortly after college, you know, a few years after college,
so I really I didn't have any experience with that,
and it was harrowing and crazy, and I felt like
(06:26):
I was on like the Prices right when all the
lights are flashing and my fresh meat on the site,
and it's not you know, people think it's fun. Maybe
it is for me. I don't do well in those situations.
I'm a serial monogamist. I like to be in one
relationship that is, you know, I don't like to date around.
I've never been like that. It's just I don't know,
it's out of my wheelhouse. And I just got very
(06:46):
lucky that I met my now husband on Match within
forty eight hours of being on Match. And once I
started talking to him, you know, there were a couple
other guys. My friends were like, just talk to people
and get your moji back. You don't have to go
on dates with them. And I think that was some
of the best advice I got, because you really there's
no obligation to date anyone, right, so, like you can
(07:08):
test your flirting skills and your stuff over whatever, and
there's no you don't lose anything, you don't have to
see these people ever again. And so I do think
that was really helpful in kind of like putting myself
out there again and feeling comfortable, learning how to flirt
and be you know, playful. But my husband and I
connected really quickly and within you know, five minutes of
playing the game of oh we both live in South Florida.
(07:30):
Who do you know? We had a million connections and
actually realized that we were at University of Florida the
same exact time, been in his apartment many times. I
know his roommates a journey brothers. We never laid eyes
on each other ever. We have been at weddings together
when we were both single, never met, And it's crazy
because we have mutual friends, one in particular, who I've
(07:52):
known since I'm a teenager and was his best friend
in college, who never even thought to introduce us. So
it's really interesting and I think also kind of like
a testament to timing and the universe and all that stuff.
And I would have been fine being single. I the
way I looked at it was I'm in my mid thirties.
I think it was thirty five, thirty six. I'm in
my mid thirties. I have a great kid, I have
(08:13):
a great family, have amazing girlfriends, and if I am
single for the rest of my life, I'm okay with it.
And you know, then I met Jason and it all
changed and we just we knew very quickly. I mean
we talked within months that we wanted to spend our
lives together and be together. He had divorced, no kids,
so but we just it was just comfortable, and it
(08:33):
was everything I'd never experienced and all the things that
I didn't know that I needed, if that makes sense. Like,
you know, there were some growing pains, sure, because I
was a mother and it's hard because you don't want
to relinquish any control with your kid, but you're bringing
another person into life. So there were a lot of
learning curves and experiences. But yeah, he's the best thing
(08:54):
that ever happened to me.
Speaker 1 (08:56):
I'm amazed. So you guys literally were intertwined in each
other's lives didn't even know it. And you're right. See
that's the divine of the universe, right, It's just are
meant to be, They're meant to be.
Speaker 2 (09:08):
One hundred percent, and he's a New Yorker. He's a
Knicks fan, by the way, he's not. He doesn't like
to tell a lot of people that because I know
they're not yeah right now, but he's a major Knicks fan.
He does not support any Florida teams. He gets really
annoyed at my family because they're all, like, you know,
University of Miami fans Florida and the only Florida team
he supports is UF because he's an alumni. But he yeah,
(09:32):
we just think about it. We're like, I wonder if
there's pictures out there, you know, you hear those weird stories,
like you know when you see a picture from the
eighties or nineties and someone is in it that you
didn't realize, And I'm waiting for that to happen. But
we have so many connection points that we should have met.
And I know his fraternity brothers, like I know all
of them and they were all together, but I never
(09:52):
met him. So also, I mean I was like a
sorority girl with a bow in my hair and having
that whole fun and he had like a pierced eyebrow
and all those things. We probably we played hockey sack outside.
We lived in the same dorm too. We lived in
the same dorm. That's crazy. I said to him, like
it's crazy. I'm like, where did you hang out? He's like, Oh,
I played hockey sack. I'm like, that's why we never met.
I would have never dated a loser who played hackey
(10:13):
sack in the front, you know. So it was a
different time I met.
Speaker 1 (10:19):
Wow, the universe it works in magical ways when it's
meant to happen, and it was meant to happen for you,
and now you're happily ever after, which is what I
say all the time, like, this is what happened to me,
this is how I got here, this is how I
got to the other side. I'm living my best life,
whether it's I mean, I just interviewed someone recently who
was on her fourth husband. She's divorced three times, but
she's the happiest person in the whole world. So it
(10:41):
is what it is. So let's start with your story
as a writer, your background in pr he majored in journalism.
We talked about that a little bit. How did all
the writings start? But before we get into that, Rachel
is just going to take a quick break for a
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(12:33):
How did all the writing and all your social media?
I know it was started off as a hobby, right, yeah.
I mean because my background is in PR.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Writing has always been a part of my job because
that's such a big part of any kind of marketing job,
but especially public relations and I've always loved creative writing too.
Like my mom and I were laughing the other day
thinking about I think I was probably eight in elementary
school and I was on TV because I wrote a
creative essay about why my mom was my hero or
something like that. So even when I was little, I
(13:01):
was always dabbling with writing stories, and my friends always
called me the storyteller because the way I would tell
a story, the way I write is the way I speak,
so it may not always be grammatically correct, but it's me.
It's very on brand for me, and I kind of
leaned into that. And when I was working a full
time job and a software company because my background was
in tech, I just was miserable. I was in my
(13:26):
late thirties at that time. Everyone else around me was
in their twenties and maybe thirties, and they were all,
you know, very cool, with burning the midnight oil and
going to happy hours, and I had a kid at
home and I was a little bit older, and I
was done with that part of my life. And I
also didn't like I felt like there's a lot of
parts of corporate America, especially in female heavy companies, where
there was a lot of mean girl stuff going on,
(13:47):
and I don't play that game like I do. There's
a couple of hard boundaries for me. If I am
talking to a woman, I am a girl's girl through
and through. But if you're a mean girl, I'm out.
And if I hear you gossiping about your friends, I'm out.
Are like my two hard stocks. And so I noticed
a lot of that in this particular company, and at
that time I was I think Jason and I were engaged.
(14:10):
I didn't even think we were married yet, and I
was like, I can't get married and have a baby
potentially and be at this job. I can't. And so
we just kind of hatched a whole plan together of
what it would look like if I left and started freelancing.
And I think the best thing I ever did for
myself was that because I'm Type A, but also I
learned I actually have ADHD and that's probably really what
it is. I never stopped freelancing, So even when I
(14:33):
was working full time, if old clients came to me
or you know, people were like, hey, I need web
copy for this company, I never said no. So totally inadvertently,
I built a whole funnel of freelance clients so that
when I was ready to leave, I already had that
in place, and I was able to match my salary
pretty easily, and it made it easy to leave that
job and go off on my own. And I just, yeah,
(14:55):
I started. Instead of writing for other people, I started
writing about my life and my family, and it really
was a hobby. And then it took off in ways
I never expected and became a full time thing, and
I'm grateful for it every day.
Speaker 1 (15:08):
Oh my gosh, so was it. It must have been
scary to lead the corporate world. God.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
I have never not had a pay check. I've been
working since fourteen or fifteen, you know, starting from summer
camps to working in a local bakery. I've always had
money in my pocket. And the idea of not for
someone who is type A and very plan oriented, the
idea of not knowing what my income would look like
every month was harrowing. But I had the support of
a man who was very happy being the breadwinner while
(15:35):
we figured it out and has been like that throughout
our you know, twelve years together and has never wavered
and is very supportive. Is my biggest cheerleader. And when
I felt like giving up and still when I question myself. Now,
he's the one who's like, no, you don't even see
what you have. You are going to do this, and
you are going to write a book, and you were
going to He's like just such a good supporter, and
(15:56):
so I would not be able to, you know, have
done anything without his guidance, honestly, And.
Speaker 1 (16:02):
You are you are one amazing writer. I mean no,
I mean it like, so you write about life, you
write about family, you write about motherhood, and I just
want to read this little little bit. It's one of
the things you wrote. And this resonated I married the
wrong person, like holding to a life preserver that is
keeping you alive but also floating through impossibly what impossible
(16:23):
waters and angry waves crashing all around. Almost a decade
of this debilitating dance, we finally divorced. I mean, I
can't tell you probably and you know this, how many
women feel like that or have been situation And just
you're writing it just like it sends waves all over
Like everything that you write, it's just because you're writing
(16:44):
about real life, writing about all the things that most
people at some point or another are feeling.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yeah, and that's I think what I love about it
most is the connection that I form with complete strangers,
because without fail when I write something like that, you
know not that the funny stuff is. And I love
being funny. There is no bigger compliment when someone says
you are so funny. That's better than being called pretty,
you know what I mean, because you can't. You can't.
You don't just become funny. It's something that is in you.
(17:10):
And I want my kids to be funny, like I
just think it's an incredible attribute to have. And it's
a good coping skill too. And things get messy, but
I value when I hear from women who are going
through divorce and they'll reach out and say, hey, I
saw this article you wrote and it gives me hope
and all that stuff. And I love that because I don't.
It hurts my heart to think of women being stuck
(17:33):
in a situation. And the reality is is that it
is very expensive to get divorced. And I get mad
about that because I think our legal system is so
incredibly broken, because there are women who desperately need to
be away from abusive partners or just they're in a
very bad situation that is not mentally or physically healthy.
For them and their children. And they can't leave, and
(17:56):
it's not for lack of wanting to. They physically can't
pay a lawyer. They can't tell their husband they want
to get divorced because he controls the money. There are
just so many messed up things about it, and so
I just hope that when people read my words and
read my stories, they kind of, you know, start to
lean into that it's okay to leave. It's not waving
a white flag. It's actually takes tremendous strength to walk away.
(18:19):
It's much easier to stay in a bad situation. Honestly,
it really is. It's much easier.
Speaker 1 (18:23):
And even if it's not a bad situation, but you're
just unhappy and you're living that unhappy life, and then
your kids are watching you live that life, so then
they're going to go probably live that same life. But
there's so many people like you said, that cannot afford
to get out, so they stay, and they stay in
abusive relationships, they say, and unhappy relationships. And yes, the
(18:44):
court system is so broken. And I talk to attorneys
from all from San Diego, from Miami, all over, and
they all say the same thing. And it's not getting
any better.
Speaker 2 (18:54):
No, it's terrible. It really needs like a complete overhaul,
and it's it's just a very we're in a very
sad time where people don't have agency to fix things
in there, Like even with the part you mentioned about
the kids. I feel so passionate when people talk about
staying for the kids. And I would never tell anyone
to get divorced, because that is not my job. You
have to. I mean, that's probably one of the most
(19:16):
common messages I get. How did you know it was time?
But da, da, da da, When do I get divorced?
It's so it's such a subjective and personal experience for everyone,
and only you know if it's something that you are
ready to do, and it's okay if you're not ready,
if it takes you five years to be ready, you
do it when you're ready. But I want people to know,
as someone who's been divorced, but also someone who's a
(19:37):
child of divorce, do not stay for the kids. Because
I walked into relationships after being in a house where
my parents had a very volatile and argumentative relationship and
then never resolved anything. They would just fight until they
were so tired that then they would move on. To
the next day. So I never saw active resolution to conflict.
(20:00):
I never saw I just saw the fighting, and I
would be on edge waiting for that you know, period
to be over, and then it was over, and it
was like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Well,
guess what, I walked into relationships just like that. So
if you're paying for your kids, even if you think
that you're doing everything right, kids pick up on feelings
and tone and all that stuff, even if you don't
speak a single word about it. And I'm just begging
(20:23):
women all the time to say, list please listen to
me as someone who lived it, it's not a better situation.
You're not doing your kid any favors. You're not right.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
And you hear all the time, I'm staying till the
kids go to college. I'm staying till the kids get older.
But why are you doing that? Because you're not helping
your children.
Speaker 2 (20:39):
Oh and I understand like they and I think it's
a very generational thing too, right, Like my parents are boomers. Okay,
so like that generation, no one got divorced. You did
wait until your kids left, and sometimes you didn't even
get divorced after that. You just existed in a loveless,
sexless marriage and just went through the motions just to
stay married. I think from Gen X on, you know,
(21:02):
my generation, people got a lot braver and they were like,
screw this, I'm not staying in this. I'm not going
to like wither away and stay in a marriage like
my parents did. And I went through years of introspection.
You know, I this didn't just happen. This didn't. It
wasn't I didn't wake up one day and say, oh,
we need to get divorced. This was something that was
for years on my mind, and it took me so
(21:25):
much time to build up the strength and courage to
figure out how I was going to navigate my life
from every aspect, from being a single mother, to being
single among all my married friends, to having a child,
be you know, friends with everyone's parents who are married.
I mean, it's very uncomfortable, it's not it's a messy situation,
but that's not a reason not to do it, because
(21:46):
once you come out on the other side of it, it's.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
A whole new world. It is a whole new world.
And I'm someone who's been divorced a very long time
and chose to stay single and raise my kids until
they were I said, when they go to college. But
then of course happened during their college, and so I
still stayed single. And I'm I'm living my best, happiest life.
Whether I date or I don't date, it's it's all good.
(22:10):
So it's and and that's why that's why this podcast
is so important. So because when I got divorced, there
was nobody for me to talk to, nobody for me
to listen to. There was no Rachel Soulbls out there
for me to you know, read the stories. And it's
so this is such a great thing that you're doing
so on a daily basis, do you. I know you
talk a lot about mental health and motherhood, which is
(22:31):
very important. Yeah, And also most of what you talk
about is real life stories from from your You draw
from your personal experience as well. And it's important for
people to know that they're not alone. Right, So going
through something, you're not alone, no matter how horrible, how
terrible it is. So even reading these things and hearing
these things like our talk today is so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Yeah, I agree, and I think that you know, I've
said this so many times. Social media gets a bad
rep for good reason, because there's a lot of really
ugly things that go on in social media right There
are kids who are weaponizing it to bully others. There
are adults who are doing the same thing. You go
to any news story about abnormal person or a celebrity,
and the comments are filled with hate, and it's a
really ugly place sometimes. But what I've found is that
(23:13):
if you can carve out the right algorithm for yourself
and really find the right people, it can be healing
and therapizing. And you know, when you find commonality with someone,
especially with those messier parts of life, you feel seen
and you feel validated, and you know, some of these
conversations are really hard to have. And I know what
(23:34):
I notice the most is that there's a lot of
women who DM me or when I do Confessions on Wednesdays,
they confess deeply personal things, and it just proves to me.
What my takeaway from it is that a lot of
these people don't have circles they feel comfortable sharing a
lot of this stuff with because they're afraid of being
judged and they're afraid that people will look in the
different look at them differently, or you know, have really
(23:57):
strong opinions, and so there's this really interesting safety strangers,
like safety in confiding in strangers, and I get that
some people think it's weird, but I totally understand. I
don't want to tell someone the intimate details of what's
going on in a failing marriage and then see them
in the target parking lot. It's just a very comforting
thing to have a space to be able to share
(24:18):
some things that you're having a hard time with and
then find people who are going through the same thing.
And even if you never talk to them, you just know,
like you said, there's someone out there, you know, having
the same struggles. And I think that's why I shifted
so many times in my social media and what I
talked about, because I shifted away from doing funny memes
and all these things that most motherhood based writers start with,
(24:39):
because I didn't want to just be like a page
for jokes. I wanted to be a page that offered
support and camaraderie and a sisterhood and resources for people
who just want to, like be able to live the
best life they can. And I love that you stayed single,
and I love that people the people who when they
come out of a you know there's two kinds of people.
(25:01):
Some people like to jump right into something because you
know it distracts them, and I get it. The greatest
thing I did for myself was staying single for that year.
People really know myself, and I don't think I would
have found a healthy relationship if I jumped right into
something for me, because I would have not dealt with
any of that baggage or the hurt or the healing.
(25:22):
And guess what, I'm thirteen years out of a divorce
and married to another man, and I'm still healing. I'm
still realizing things that really messed with me from my
past that I never really gave airtime to. And I
think that's part of the whole journey of being a
mother and a woman and an adult is like having
that self awareness and introspection to think about the things
(25:42):
that you need to heal in yourself before you open
your heart to someone else.
Speaker 1 (25:46):
That's why I love what you do and what you write,
because it's so raw and it's real, and it's from
the heart, and it's from the gut, and it's from
the wounds, and it's from all of that, all of
your experiences and the experience the people that come and
ask you questions and are you know, are your followers?
Speaker 2 (26:05):
And I love I do. I feel like it's this.
I mean, it's you know, it's it's one hundred something
thousand people, but I feel like I have this community
who is so ride or die. And when I post
things from other women and it's like, you know, really
hard things they're going through. The messages I get, please
connect them with me, Please send them this resource, And
(26:26):
I'm like, you know, these people aren't just here to like,
you know, comment on stuff and make smart remarks, like
they see things in other people that they've experienced and
they genuinely want to help in some way. And that
makes me feel like I am doing something meaningful instead
of just having this you know, cookie cutter page where
I'm posting about moighorhood really trying to just meet people
(26:48):
where they are. And that's why I feel like my
writing constantly shifts too, is because as I go through
stuff and navigate it, after I process it, I write
about it because I want other people to know that
they're not alone and all those things. And so yeah,
it's like a cycle. It's like this wonderful cycle that
keeps going and as much as they're getting something from it.
I am too. It's very beneficial for me. It's very being,
(27:11):
it really really is, and it's like such a good
accompaniment to real therapy.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
I mean, your heart must be so full when you're
getting these feedbacks from thank you think I'm sure. Thank
you so much for saying that. Thank you so much
for making me feel that I'm not alone. So your
inspiration just you keep drawing from so many different parts
of you and from other people. It's amazing advice for
struggling moms. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (27:38):
Hanging in there. It's not there's no silver bullet. Like
life is hard. Marriage is hard, even good marriages are hard.
Motherhood is impossible. And then every time you get your bearings,
you get knocked on your ass because something else happens,
whether it's with a toddler or a teenager, and you
never get a reprieve. People keep thinking like, once she's
(28:00):
in elementary school or once she's in middle school, And
I have news for you. My older one is in
high school, my younger ones in elementary school. It doesn't
matter their ages. They all they have problems no matter
what that you have to help them navigate and I
think if a mother is struggling, it means you're doing
it right. Because if you're not struggling, you either have
your head in his hand, honestly, or you're not picking
(28:21):
up on things. There's no child in this world that
is perfect and not going through stuff. There's not, so
either they're not telling you and they're not sharing with you.
I think that no matter how much you're struggling, you
have to keep an open line of communication with your kids,
and you have to make them feel safe to tell
you anything, no matter how uncomfortable it is. And that's
not easy because as a mother, when a kid comes
(28:43):
and tells you something, sometimes you want to shake them
and be like, what is wrong with you? But if
you make them feel judged the same way we talked
about earlier, with you know, talking to other women, they
will not come to you. And so I think that
you kind of solve some of your own struggles in
motherhood when you cement that trust with your kids, because
it becomes a much more doable process. Not easy, but doable.
(29:06):
But there's no there's no you're going to struggle. You're
going to it's going to suck. Sometimes there are times
I've been in the fetal position and cried because teenagers
are really hard. But you got to just remember that
every day is a new day. And if you have
a shitty on ologe curse. But if you have a
shitty day, you wake up the next day and it's
a new day to start over. And I tell my
kids that all the time. We can't carry every day
(29:29):
with us that next day. We have to learn from
it and figure out a way to do better. And
sometimes we nail it and sometimes we mess up, and
that's just life.
Speaker 1 (29:36):
And that is just life, You're right. I mean I
remember going through my divorce and I had, you know,
very young six and seven when it started, and all
the way through, I mean, it just was like a
never ending cycle. And I just had to pick myself
up every day look at their little smiling faces, and
as long as I was happy, I know they were
going to be happy. So I just kept chugging along,
chug it along, and you know, and what I needed
(29:59):
to cry, I cry my own and my own sleep,
in my own time when the kids were at school
or whatever. It was just we'll all get through this together,
and us women are stronger together. And I'm with you.
I don't like mean girls. I don't. I'm the first
one to say, you're so beautiful, Like you got to
support we got to hold each other up and support
each other.
Speaker 2 (30:18):
It's you know, our world is so crazy with the
hate that I had an experience. I think it was
last week or the week before. There was a guy
helping me at a restaurant with takeout and he was like, oh,
I'm so sorry, it's not ready. I'm like, it's okay,
don't worry. And I was on my phone and he
came over and I said, thank you so much. I
hope your day gets easier. And he looked at me
and he goes, thank you so much. Like I didn't
(30:40):
do anything. I just made a nice comment. But like
that just shows you the void in our world of
people being kind to each other. And so I try,
and I don't sounds cheesy, but every day I try
and remember that, Like we're having these little micro interactions
with people at the grocery store at Target. I like
to make people feel good. I do so if it's
like you said, COMPLI menting you're so pretty, you're this.
(31:01):
You know how it feels when someone stranger says something
like that to you. So I try and put as
much of that into the world as I can, because
I do think that it's contagious, and I think that
when you're feeling low, if you lift someone else up,
it just it does something to your soul. So you know,
I try and do that as much as I can,
and you and you do it. I'm sure you do
it because you do it through your writing writing.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
Her instagram is wine and Cheese It's where How did
that come up? By the way, how did that name come?
Speaker 2 (31:29):
It was very just serendipitous. I think I was just
thinking of I like a pun and I like things
that kind of roll off the tongue. I am a
cheese It's super fan. I love them. And when my
kids were little, I would always joke that you are
more likely to find like cheese it or goldfish crumbs
in my purse than cash, because that's true. I would
literally dust bust my purse because there would be cheese.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Its a lot.
Speaker 2 (31:53):
And the wine is because you know number one, it's
I like that innuendo of w I n e versus
w any and I'm a girl mom girls whine, They're
born whining. So there were just a lot of different
plays on it and it worked and I stuck with
it and yes it's done me good so far.
Speaker 1 (32:10):
It's amazing. Mama do over, wife, truth teller, writer, author,
her podcast Friends Without Benefits, so much more to talk about.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Please.
Speaker 1 (32:18):
I enjoyed this so much. And your keep writing, keep
doing what you're doing, keep helping, keep helping us be
strong and hold us together. Thank you for I really
appreciate this. Thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (32:31):
Thank you so much for spreading awareness about this and
helping women so we have to we have to help
each other.
Speaker 1 (32:37):
Absolutely, Thanks so much. Rachel Nito Kuda Divorce and family
laws attorneys have guided Connecticut and New York families through
complex divorce actions, contested child custody, and alimony disputes for
over thirty years. Their Connecticut and New York attorneys have
extensive experience in family matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence,
mental illness, and many other X factors that can complicate
(33:00):
a divorce. Their attorneys adeptly manage privacy and reputation concerns
inherit to public divorce proceedings and the related exposure for
their ultra high net worth clients find your new path forward,
define your post divorce family, and secure an enforceable agreement
to protect your future with Needle Cuda ACT now put
the strength of their team behind you. Visit them at
(33:23):
needlecuda dot com or call two O three five five
seven nine five zero zero
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