Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Okay, I had to go to sleep away camp every
year since I was six six years old, and it
was terrible for me because I was a chronic bedwetter
till I was like fifteen, so it was a nightmare.
I learned a lot of skills, like complete disassociation, making
(00:23):
a cot over soaking wet sheets while I stink like piss,
and pretending like that's not the case. What kind of
parents would send a chronic bedwetter to sleep away camp?
They must be monsters. No, they're not monsters. Here's the thing.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Okay, Like my dad, his dad beat the shit.
Speaker 1 (00:48):
Out of him every day, and then during the school
year he was sent away to Guam to boarding school,
sorry to boarding school, and then at boarding school he
got the shit kicked out of him every day, called
a dirty juice hike because it was back when, like
(01:10):
America was great, and then in the other ride it was.
And then in the summertime he went to camp and
blossomed and was a star and was like everything he
(01:33):
wanted to be. And so parents they just think, you know,
he just thought, no, camp is great. It will define her,
it will be her joy, because that's what it was
for me. You know, so I had to go to camp,
and as a compromise he would give me joke books
because I loved jokes, and then also maybe I'd make
(01:54):
friends that way. So I remember this summer I was
eight because I had just learned read when I was seven.
Someone in the audience when I was in Vermont was like,
it was four fucking good for you. I was seven.
I learned to read when I was seven, so I
was eight. I was excited. I had books I was
gonna read. And my dad has no boundaries. I don't
(02:16):
know if he flipped through these at all or didn't,
but it was truly tasteless jokes Book one and two.
And I remember the first joke on the first page.
It was like a paragraph long, but I can tell
to you in two seconds. It was little Red Riding
Hood blah blah blah. And then the big bad Wolf
is like, I'm gonna eat you. And then Little Red
(02:38):
Riding Hood's like eat eat eat. Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?
And I'm like, what does this mean? Then when I
was thirty, I was like, oh Jesus Christ, that's so inappropriate.
He was, Uh, my dad, isn't he he has no boundaries.
(03:01):
He's not appropriate. I don't really he treated us like bros.
Like I remember one time when I was really young,
he and my mom went on a double date and
when he came home, he like plopped down on the
front hall. There was like a bench in the front hall,
and I was sitting there and I asked him how
it went, and he was like, oh, it's the fucking worst. Uh.
(03:22):
We're supposed to go out with the Sterlings, and then
only mister Sterling showed up because he said missus Sterling
had a period and when she gets a period it
comes out like live a And I'm like, I don't
need to know that. I was like dead, I get it,
like I'm five and I don't even need to know that.
(03:46):
But my dad, camp was where he thrived, and like
they're still his best friends to this day. His best
friends are his friends from camp and he's about to
be eighty and they're having a reunion even and he
has a picture of all of them when they became
counselors and it's amazing. It's from nineteen fifty three and
(04:07):
I said, Dad, you have to send me this, and
he sent it to me with like a glossary of
who everybody is and what they're doing now, and it's like,
this is Phil Holman, he's a judge. Now. This is
Arnie Goldstein. You know he owns Martin's House of Cloth.
This is Danny gold Danny gold once gave Punchy Kramer
(04:27):
a beij and we all watched. This is Cy Schwartz.
He works at the clam King. This is Babba ba
he da da Dad. This is Morris Simon. This is
Punchy Kramer. This is you know, blah blah blah. I'm
like dad, open with it or close with it. He
has no sense. So he went to camp all the
(04:50):
way up until he became a counselor. And you know,
we think of counselors like as grown ups, but you
know they're sixteen year old kids. So for each camper,
he had to fill out a form every week for
each camper, and it would say like is he behaving?
Is he sleeping? Did he brush his teeth? Did he
(05:11):
go to the bathroom? And under that it said L
slash H. And my dad didn't know what that meant,
but he was too embarrassed to ask anybody, so he
just used his logic and he's like, Okay, it comes
after bathroom, so it must mean loose or heart.
Speaker 2 (05:36):
So for a summer, my dad had his campers come
get him after they took shits.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
So that he could go look at them and make
a rough guesstimate if it was indeed looser heart. I
love that so much. It just means there's like a
generation of old men in therapy who are like, well,
(06:16):
I did have a camp counselor that was like, obsessed
with my shit. You were sexually abused. Oh it meant
letter home. But thank god he didn't ask. That would
have been so embarrassing.