October 27, 2025 • 48 mins
www.LindaChinnMinistries.com Dr. Linda P. Chinn is a native of New London, CT who currently resides in Douglasville, GA. She fulfills her mission of uprooting and pulling down false belief systems in the lives of God's people to build them up by planting in them the incorruptible seed of the living Word through her various ministries. Dr. Chinn is an accomplished entrepreneur and the creator of Linda Chinn Ministries as well as the founder of Christian Women in Training Network.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen. This
is the podcast where real life choices new biblical truth
without the pluck. Tune in every second and fourth Monday
at two pm Eastern Standard Time as Doctor Chen shares
faith filled, practical insights to navigate everyday challenges. Get ready
(00:22):
for real talk, real life, and real answers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and welcome to another
episode of Keeping It Red with Doctor Linda Chen. I
am Audrebud Kurney, the producer of the show, got a
great one.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
For you guys today. Listen.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's called Marriage Reloaded.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Let me tell y'all something.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I've been married twenty two years, and I gotta tell
you I'm excited about this episode because I remember when
I first got married. Before I got married, we went
through about two hours of marriage counseling. Two the hours,
not years, not months, two hours, and I realized later
on in life, had we gone through more counseling, things
would have been a little bit different. I have survived
(01:06):
twenty two years, but let me tell you, it's been tough.
So I'm so excited for this episode because in the
day and time in which we live, you have the
opportunity to talk to amazing people who have a lot
of wisdom to share. Back when I got married, you
can just jump on the internet and find somebody to
share information with you about getting married and share openly.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
You know, it was behind closed doors with a pastor
for two hours.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Now here we are streaming on Facebook and TikTok and
LinkedIn and all these great places. So we got a
great show for you today. Doctor Chan always picked some
amazing people to bring on this show so she can
educate and empower you to live a better life. And
when it comes to being a couple, I'm sure this
is gonna be a good one. So without further ado,
let's bring everybody to the stage. Good afternoon, Good afternoon.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Good afternoon.
Speaker 5 (01:49):
Hello, Hello, hello hello hello Yeah, yeah, exciting good, this
is good.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
Yeah, Marryed.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I can't wait for this one.
Speaker 6 (02:00):
I'm glad people send that to me. They can't wait. Audrey,
thank you so much for that intro, because this is
keeping it real And a lot of times we look
good and we laugh and we smile and we're doing
our thing, and you know, walking in our calling and
purposes and marriage is a whole other side of life.
So thank you for being excited about what these two
(02:23):
power people about to bring forth.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
And we'll see you on the back end order, yes, ma'am, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 6 (02:30):
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Pastors James and Trafina Richardson. I'm gonna
give you a little bit of the background that they
sent me, but I'm gonna also want to tell you
who they are to me, and I know who they
are to the Body of Christ. These wonderful people. I'm
telling they've been married over thirty years. They have three
beautiful adult daughters. They've raised their family, They've been in
(02:53):
ministry for years. Pastor Richardson, our Pastor James Richardson all
absolutely has a in a Steal degree. And Pastor Trafina
walks in the prophetic. She is a prophet, and so
both of them have professional lives and she's also a coach.
And I just want to say from my own personal experience,
(03:13):
and you know, I'm just gonna throw this in there,
that the Man of God also has a business edi
as Services, and I have been using his services. He
walks in integrity, he serves in integrity. The Woman of
God is discreet when she has conversations and I just
absolutely love them. So without further ado, pastors, tell us
(03:33):
a little bit about yourself before I go off into
the deep bed. Okay, I am Trafina Richardson. I am
a hairdresser as well, a mother of three, as you
have stated, a coach, I mentor, but most of all,
I'm a servant of the Most High God and I
(03:54):
enjoy you know, this journey that God has us has
us on married to my.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
For thirty years.
Speaker 6 (04:02):
And I'll let him tell a little bit about himself.
But we'll get into the book about reloading because I
thank God for marriage. I never wanted to be married,
never wanted to have any children, and be that as
it made. God turned it around for his glory. So
we'll talk about that a little bit more. But that
is who I am, yep, and I'm Pastor James Richardson.
(04:23):
We are the pastors of Intermission Family Church.
Speaker 5 (04:26):
It's a new ministry in Douglasville, a new ministry, a
new growing ministry, and so we're just excited about the
things that God is doing in the earth. We are
Our passion is people. We love people, and we of
course we love marriage. We have a passion for marriage.
Before we even started the church, we had a marriage
min we've had a marriage ministry since twenty nineteen, and
(04:49):
so we went through so many different things in our
marriage that after we when God began to bring us out.
It's like when he said to Peter, Jesus told Peter,
he said, Satan has desired to sift you. But he said,
he said, when you are when he said, when you
are restored, strengthen your brethren. So God has restored us,
(05:09):
and so now we have a passion to strengthen other marriages.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
And so we just we're simple people. We love God.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
We're not out about titles and all these different type
of things. Were just very simple people. But we have
a passion to just serve God and to help people.
Speaker 6 (05:24):
Yes, yep, I love it. So welcome to the show.
And they what they say is true.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
You have to know them. You know, they're not religious people.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
They're relatable people, and that's what we're missing oftentimes in
the church today. But let me ask you and you
all can decide who's going to answer these questions. Before
you got married, what did marriage mean to you? You
said something very interesting, Pastor Trefina, was that you never
thought you would get married and never wanted to have children.
I know another woman like that, and I've never heard
(05:56):
anybody else say it.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Talk to a little about it.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
I had a broken family and so marriage was not
appealing to me, and then I saw so many bad relationships,
so I just decided, you know, I didn't want to
be married. If marriage looks like that, I don't want it.
And I definitely didn't want to bring children into the world.
To have to deal with the drama that I had
(06:20):
to deal with and not having a father figure that
I so desired at the time, it was very hard
for me.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So I didn't respect men.
Speaker 6 (06:30):
So that was one of the ones I was like,
I am women hear me were all type of thing,
you know, women lead the world, you know, and.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
I just didn't have a lot of respect for men.
Speaker 6 (06:39):
And so until I made a man cry or hurt them,
I didn't feel like I had their heart because the
things that I had been through, So I knew I
wouldn't be in my mind, I wouldn't be a good wife,
you know, because I just didn't feel like I had
respect for men because of what was done to me.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Yes as a young woman, you know.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
So yeah, yeah, and I want to say to see.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
And the thing is, I had a completely different perspective
I had grown up. You know, you know, I didn't
I want to say I grew up in a healthy
marriage environment.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
But I watched The Cosby Show growing up.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
That was my show. So I was like, man, I
want a family like that. I want I want that
type of family. I want that Cosby type of family
to where you know, they dealt with problems, they laughed,
they dealt with their kids, they had So in my
in my my dream mind, that's what I imagine marriage
to be. And I was always say, man, I want
a family when I get older, I want a family.
(07:36):
My grandmother and my grandfather were examples to me of
a couple that you know, worked things out, they worked,
they did what.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
They had to do.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
So and I grew up with them, and so that
was my I had this this dream of how marriage
it could be.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
And I always wanted to be married and I always
wanted a family.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
I love that. I love that. So now what does
marriage mean to you? Now?
Speaker 6 (07:59):
Not just that you've been married over thirty years, but
when you see people today and how marriages go, what
do you think?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
What does marriage mean? To you.
Speaker 6 (08:09):
For me, marriage means everything after God delivered me, Because
I want to say that when you have traumas and
triggers growing up and you bring these things into the marriage,
it affects the marriage and it affects you as a
person and your views as you can see. But when
God delivered me and showed me that marriage is a
(08:30):
beautiful thing, and then he ordained it, you know, it
means everything to me. I'm in love more with my
husband today now than I did when I first met him.
Marriage changed me in a way that it made me
closer to God.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
It made me better as a woman, as a mother.
Speaker 6 (08:47):
And I look at other marriages now when they have problems,
I see that if two are willing to work together,
if two can come together and agree, that God can
move in the midst of it, no matter how hard
it is. It depends on the dynamics also and what
the person is willing to work through. But for me,
it was hard work and it changed me. It made
(09:10):
me closer to God. It made me like Christ. I
will tell you it presents the death, the burial, and
the resurrection of Christ and go.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
And that's what it did for me.
Speaker 6 (09:20):
So when I see marriages today. I see the possibilities
of what God can do to a broken girl, through
a broken girl, broken relationships, through the trials. When you
see people now, when I see people now, I don't
look at the problem. I look at what it can
be the soul right. And so that's how I see
(09:41):
marriage now. I see marriage as a beautiful institution. I
see marriage as something that everyone if they can have
a beautiful marriage or to get married and God to
process them through the marriage, they will become what God
has called them to be.
Speaker 4 (09:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
I love that.
Speaker 5 (10:02):
Yeah, I agree with all those things she said. And
I also think that I see marriage as as a
as a as growing together, supporting one another.
Speaker 4 (10:12):
Yes, you know, she.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Has things that she wants to do in life and
that she's wanted to do, and supporting her, supporting me
us being a teen to me and and it's a
teen thing. We're in this thing together. We're growing together,
we have dreams together, we have things that we want
and we have our own individual things also.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
But I can support her, she can support.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
Me, we can be accountable to one another. It's all
those things. To me, that's what marriage is is about accountability. Hey,
you are Are you okay? Are you dealing with something?
Speaker 3 (10:40):
Yeah? You do.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
I need to be there to help you. I'm here
to you know, two are better than one. That's what
I said. This is a teen thing because you know,
the Bible says that there's no marriage given in heaven.
So you know, so while we're down here, you know,
if we can find somebody to be with and and
and go on this journey with.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
It's a one you know.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (11:02):
That's what I see it as I see it as
a as a teen thing and as as supporting one
another and helping one another as we're on this journey
in life.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
That's really interesting. It's given me questions.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
As you know, we allow the Holy Spirit to move
on this podcast no matter what questions came up. But
I want to say this right and I didn't say
it in the intro, but you two have written a
book called Marriage Reloaded, and you're adding a workbook to it.
How did that come into fruition?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Mm hmmm, Doctor Nina Bruner. Let's say that we were going.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Through we had, we had, we were at our wits end,
and we went through so much in the marriage that
it was so painful.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
And because of the pain.
Speaker 6 (11:51):
I was journaling through the pain, and the pain became
a book, and he was journaling through our stuff. And
doctor Dina when we have a part in the book
it's called the Big blow Up, and I shared with
her what was going on, and you know, I told
her that, you know, I was we were thinking about
writing a book, and she said no, She actually said,
(12:13):
you guys need to think about writing a book.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
And when we were going through.
Speaker 6 (12:16):
The pain of it, I was saying to myself, no way.
But we turned our journals into our book because she
suggested it, and in the midst of the pain she
suggested it.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
In my mind was like no.
Speaker 6 (12:28):
But as God processed us, we took our journals and
we conversed and that's how it came together.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Yeah, And we decided that when we wrote the books
that we were gonna because you know, different people look
at I might have seen things one way going through
the same situation. So we're going to write from the
husband's perspective, from what I saw and what the things
that I was experiencing, and from her perspective, so that
everybody would be able to relate to this thing, you
(12:55):
know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
So it was just like, Okay, we're gonna we're just
gonna work it.
Speaker 5 (13:00):
We're not going to try to make it come into
we're just gonna work on it organically, and when we
know that it's done, then we're going to put it out.
So as we began to look at it, we looked
at it in three stages, and these are the three
stages that most marriages go through.
Speaker 4 (13:15):
They go through it.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
They go through the first part, the honeymoon, Oh I
love you, hey with Hey, you like ice cream? I
like ice cream, you likeay, y'all likes to forget it.
It's all the honeymoon part. That's the beginning of what
happened in every marriage. But then you get to the discovery.
To the discovery, the mask comes off and you know
(13:36):
the person that did all these different things.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
That you didn't really consider.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
They start coming up and you're like, oh my god,
I didn't know that you thought like that, or I
didn't know that you had that issue going on, and
all these different things. And that's where most marriages fail
in that discovery stage, because a person finds out, oh,
I'm not gonna put up. Sometimes they'll put up with
it for a while, but then after while people just
say forget it, I'm out of here. But if you
make it from that stage then and by the grace
(14:02):
of God, Yeah, that's what it really was, the grace
of God. Then you get to the marriage reloaded, where
you begin to understand one another, where you begin to say, Okay,
what did I bring into this marriage that I needed
because we're on this journey. We're on this this boat,
and this boat is gonna sink if we're gonna throw
(14:24):
some things off, be thrown off some of my pride.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
I need to throw some lust off. I need to
throw bad attitudes and a whatever it is.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
So we had to begin to throw some things off
of the ship that we did not need if we
want to make it to the other side. That's that's
how that's how the book came about. It's just the
experiences and things that we went through. The like Paul said,
the things that I've gone through have happened for the
furtherance of the Gospel. Yes, yes, we went through in
(14:53):
our in our marriage. That's how this book was birthed.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Right.
Speaker 6 (14:57):
So, uh, it's interest how and I hope this is
helping somebody who's listening or watching now or later how
they didn't give details, but their marriage was in trouble.
They were at their wits end. And I don't know
anybody who's been married for any length of time who
hasn't really thought about packing up their stuff and leaving.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Right, And so let's keep it real.
Speaker 6 (15:21):
Let's understand, you love God, you could be saved, sanctified,
fill with the Holy ghost, right, you know the word
from Genesis through the map. But don't think that your
marriage cannot be reloaded. It can be healed. It can
be healed. And that's what she said that Pastor Trafina
said in the beginning, I see something that can go
and prosper. Now, how do you all handle disagreements? Okay,
(15:47):
I want to go back if you don't mind to
what you're saying, because we like to keep it real
because too many people are in hiding. When God delivers us,
whom the sun says free is free. Indeed, you know
we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the
word of our testimony.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
I need not loving our lives to death. So I'll
answer that.
Speaker 6 (16:02):
Let me just go back the brokenness that I brought
into and we you know, because I don't know how
much time we had, but I would just go ahead
and go there. I was an angry woman. I was hurting,
I was broken, and I took that and I brought
that into the marriage. And you know, I put it
on my husband because I remember I had daddy issues, okay,
(16:25):
and a lot of times when you have those daddy
issues and you don't have respect for men, it's you know,
I loved him, and I still love him, but it
was it was.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Me the things I had.
Speaker 6 (16:36):
And so these things come from childhood, yeah, bring from
childhood into adulthood, and so those things had whether the
reason why? And we get really raw in the book.
It's one hundred and seventeen pages or eighteen pages, but
we tell the truth. I was angry. I went to
jail for twenty four hours. I do not have a record, okay.
(16:57):
And I saw my life flash before me, and the
Bible says be angry and said not. I said, okay,
which landed me in the jail. I still don't have
a speeding ticket. I'm fifty seven years old. I worked
with children, and I was angry, and I took it out, okay.
And so God, we both had some issues. He'll tell
(17:18):
you his but he had to reload our spiritual guns
and our marriage guns. That's why it's called reloaded. We
reloaded because we ran out of ammunition. We were walking
talking biblical. We looked the part. We tried our best
to be. But when you're not delivered, it doesn't matter
(17:39):
that you speak in tongues and prophesies. You know, it
doesn't matter about all of that stuff when you are
dealing with the works of the flesh and deliver us,
because gifts are given without repentance. And so I had
to go on the journey, and this journey made me
better as a person. Jail saved my life for twenty
(18:00):
four hours. I hear you, it saved my life. I
don't know who I would be if I hadn't seen
my life flash before me.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
I go graphic in the book.
Speaker 6 (18:10):
I talk about the chains on my hand, the feet,
my hair is sitting up because we cannot become who
we are or who we want to be unless we
understand how God can deliver us. Have to go through
the process. And as my husband was saying, many people
don't make it through process.
Speaker 4 (18:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (18:28):
Yeah, I had to die to myself to bury some
old feelings and things of the past and the childhood
at and trauma.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
God was resurrected. I don't know if you want to ask.
Speaker 5 (18:42):
Us when we when we came together, it was like
dynamite in the match.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
I was the match. She was a dynamite. I had
my childhood issues. I went through childhood trauma.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
So you don't if you never deal with that childhood trauma,
things that happen to your childhood, abuse and things like that,
then you become an adult.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yes with trauma. Yes, bring that trauma into the marriage.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
The other person has no idea that you're a match dynamite,
and now you have these two things coming together and
it's like boom, it's an explosion.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And so I brought my issues into the marriage.
Speaker 5 (19:20):
I brought lust and different things from childhood, things that
I things that I growing up and as a man,
we like to keep that.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
We like we don't want.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Anybody to know about this stuff. We try to hide it.
Come on, hide and act like everything is fine.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
You singing on the.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Praise team, you epire you and us.
Speaker 5 (19:38):
Sure you are a parking lot attending or whatever it is,
or you can be even a minister.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
And you have this trauma. A deacon and you never
dealt with it.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Now you're married, and now you're hiding and stuff, and
it's like you're going these problems are in your marriage, yes,
because you never dealt with it.
Speaker 6 (20:00):
Actually, and I'm going to say this as men of color,
we as women married to black men who you never
you can be married to somebody ten, fifteen, twenty years
and never know that he may have been molested by
a family members, right or that they may have been abused.
And so this is why this is not the first
time we've had a couple on here, and it's given
me ideas and I'm going to talk to the Lord
(20:21):
about it. But marriages need to be healed. Po don't
need to be healed. So when you say I love
how you all support each other, how does that work
when you're not really when it's one of those days
where you just don't feel like talking to one another.
Doesn't nobody's marriage is perfect, but they can be perfect
for each other, and we do have our days and
(20:43):
we just don't want to talk. So how do you
support each other when you have in one of those
moments or times.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
When you're just not feeling each other?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
We were talking about that before we got on. There's
times when see that's why you know, we have to
you have to realize you have to learn your spouse. Yeah,
boundaries and all those type of things. And that's what
we were talking about there. I have to as I've
been with my wife, I could recognize, Okay, this is
not a good time when I need to have a
conversation with her.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
She recognized.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
So he's been you know, working all day, he's coming home,
he's tired.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
We both are tired. Okay, I don't need to talk
right now. It's gonna turn into World War three.
Speaker 5 (21:24):
So recognizing knowing your spouse, understanding your spouse, knowing their boundaries,
knowing what triggers are you know there there are certain triggers.
There are certain triggers that I used to have. And
then she would do certain it was a simple thing
like you know, this is something when my wife any
time when she used to get upset with me, what
she would do is when she came into the room.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
To give it, take a shower or something.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Normally she would just go in there and get in
the shower, but when she's upset with me, she closes
the door. So so so it was a time where
she came and closed the door, and I thought she
was upset.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I'm like, okay, she must be upset.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So I'm all, i'm on, gun, I'm on, I'm on,
I'm on.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Ready now, And she says, what's going on?
Speaker 5 (22:05):
And we get into this big argument right before her birthday.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
It's a trigger for me.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Understand the door is a trigger for me.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
So so recognizing little triggers looks like that. You can't
even play around with understanding your spouse. And so those
those are the kind of things that we kind of
pay attention to over the years and say, Okay, is
this a good time to talk, or do we need
to talk during we need we need to pay attention
to when we need.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
To communicate, the right time to communicate.
Speaker 6 (22:35):
And so yeah, and and I closed the door because
he was on a phone call and I didn't want
to listen. You know, it's a time I just closed
the door. But you know, it was a trigger and
it was like, I really wasn't trying to be funny,
you know, have of the things that you know we've
done over the years. And then I understood where he
(22:55):
was coming from. But at the same time, at that moment,
it wasn't that I like to give to a person.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
I'm a person that I'm very I'm an extrovert and
I'm an introvert. Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 6 (23:06):
I need my space, and you know, he might think
I'm being funny, but I'm just I need that time.
You have to be able to recognize that everyone needs
their personal time and we still have to get to business.
So I'm gonna deal with it when I know he's
more alert. But you know, if we don't agree, we're
still gonna talk about the uncomfortable thing because I know
(23:27):
I'm probably jumping ahead, but I'm the communicator in the
relationship and so is he now. But we have to
do business whether you like it or not. Whether we do,
it's uncomfortable when I say what I say and he
says what he says. Well, if we don't agree, we'll
come back and we'll deal with it, but we'll not
deal with the issue because it doesn't go away. And
when we stop dealing with the issues, we're slowly dying. Listen,
(23:52):
that is a that's key, slowly dying because when people
don't understand, I have to sing and I still say
and I said it so much to the girlfriend of
mine made me a T shirt and it says marriage
is for grown ups.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Marriage is for grown ups. Marriage.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
You can't have temper tensions because you don't get your way.
And yeah, all of this and stop going off and
doing crazy things. That doesn't solve anything. And you did
answer a question I was going to ask about how
you communicate.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
But one of the things too that I.
Speaker 6 (24:21):
Wanted to bring up was how do you keep the
romance alive? So I want to say something else before
you answer, how do you keep the romance alive? And
if you have regular date nights and you ain't really
feeling like it, do you still keep the date? Okay,
I'll answer that I keep the romance alive by doing
(24:43):
It doesn't start in the bedroom, okay. It starts on
a text message I'm thinking of you today, or I
call you, I love you, I'm just thinking about you,
your little love notes, or maybe some dinner or dessert,
or just you know, just a little surprised.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Sometimes I'll just draw bubble bad.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
You know what time are you coming home? I have
a surprise because some candles are down there. You know
he's sleeping, and I might give a foot massage or
a back massage. Yeah, doesn't start in the bedroom. It
starts way before you get into bed. And so understand that,
then we can we can learn each other's you know,
I know that book about love language, but you have
(25:21):
personal things that we have that we have to pay
attention to. And some men are more harder than others.
My husbands are pretty easy, but there's some you know,
to love he you know, he loves to be loved on.
So macho, you have to study your mate, you know
what I'm saying, and what is missing because usually when
(25:42):
they're so macho and they're so tough, they're really really
soft inside. Yes, find out what is really going on
on the inside, because the stuff that they do externally
can make you be like whatever, I'm not doing it,
But you gotta pray and you got to ask how
do I deal with this? Because they got a lot
of stuff going on. So yeah, so that's how that's
(26:05):
how we keep the romance. And did I answer.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
Yes to that? Okay?
Speaker 5 (26:10):
Because because one of the things that we did recently
is we uh and I had never done it before
even I heard a lot about it.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
Is we did how to understand what your love language is? Yeah?
Speaker 5 (26:20):
Yeah, and I had never done that, and I found
out what mine were. So it's important to understand because
you could be doing one thing thinking okay, I'm doing
this and they don't even look, they don't even.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
Respond to it.
Speaker 5 (26:32):
What if that's not their love language, right, you know,
So understanding your spouse, understanding those areas like like she said,
we give each other. The other day, she just brought
me some uh, some vegetarian egg row home. She said,
I got a surprise f And I'm like what And
she brought it home and I was like, oh, it
was delicious, but she it was a surprise.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
It was like it was like something spontaneous.
Speaker 5 (26:55):
Yes, So when you doous things, Hey we're going to
go do this today, we're going out here. We might
just wake up and say hey we're going to breakfast.
Well we are, yeah, you know, so spontaneous. The spontaneity
is very important to keep the romance alive because you
don't know what that person is gonna do.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
You don't know.
Speaker 5 (27:14):
You just they just pop up and do something special
or whatever, and it's like or something really simple. It's
like that, I really try to do a lot of
and I and she can tell you this.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
I'm always asking her, are you okay? How you doing?
I'm asking her that every day, how you feeling today?
You are right? Eat anything anything I can do today.
Speaker 5 (27:33):
I'm just constantly asking her that all the time, and
she's doing the same thing. So just being attentive to
one another, and that's that's how we just and that
just keeps the fire. It keeps the fire burning. And
just you know, we love to laugh together. Yeah, constantly
laughing all the time together daily and I love that,
(27:54):
just laughing about something in the car or laughing into
bed about something.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Just you gotta have you have you can't be so serious.
Speaker 6 (28:02):
Yes, yes, yeah, my god, that you can't be so
serious all the time. And then when your child like
that childish child like a two different thing, when your
child like you can open up to laugh about yourself
or laugh at each other, and that's offended about it,
exactly exactly. We flew like kites on you know. One
(28:23):
time he was like, what are we gonna do? I said, oh,
we get ready to get some kites. We get ready
to play in the sand. You know, you have to
go back and you have to do some things that
are childlike and have fun and release the stress of life.
Life is already going to schedule so many stressors. We
have to be able to come back to that childlike spirit.
And a lot of times when you become rigid, it's
(28:45):
a hard thing to be dealing with a person that
is rigid, you know, and you have the one that
is the more more spontaneous person can help that person.
Believe it or not, they really need a rescue rope.
They really need prayer. They really need you to overlove
them because they have a lot of hard issues on
(29:05):
the heart that have that have plagued them for so long,
and they need their bound honestly, and the person that
is free can help the bound person. I love that.
I love that. So do you have any of your
children married?
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Not yet? No, not yet.
Speaker 6 (29:25):
We have one that is about to be engaged, but no,
just just one that's about to be engaged.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
The other two are are still in waiting for the rest. Yes,
So do.
Speaker 6 (29:38):
You have what kind of conversation would you bring or
would you give your daughter as you know she's preparing
for a marriage. Naturally don't go into personal things, but
you know, as a mother, what would you tell another
mother to have to converse about as it relates to
getting married.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Yes, be careful who you married. Number one.
Speaker 6 (30:01):
Be willing to look and investigate on their life and
get to know them. Ask as many questions as you can.
Date date them, see them when they're angry, see them
when they're happy. Find out how they grew up, because
whatever they've gone through, they're going to bring that into
the marriage. How they think, how they act, how they react.
(30:23):
Be willing to forgive easily when you go through things.
Be willing to conversate about those things. Make sure that
that person knows God and love him, because that's first
and foremost. Because when you marry somebody that doesn't have
an open heart to God, they're not going to be
open to you.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
It's going to be very hard work.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
God can deliver them and set them free, but you're
going to have a ministry on your hands. Always always
always pray, keep prayer. Let God be the threefold court
in your marriage. I tell them that, and I tell
them therapy is healthy amid what anybody says.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Say again, therapy is healthy.
Speaker 6 (31:01):
It's not a hust word, I'm sorry, not a curse word.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
No, it's healthy. It's healthy.
Speaker 6 (31:10):
It's okay to go get some therapy, pray and do. Yeah,
we need both of those things because you're going to
have some situations that come up where you don't agree,
You're gonna feel like you want to leave. Sometimes you're
gonna it's a lot of things that come up and
you're gonna need God, and you're gonna need some therapy,
and you're going to need to know to find out
(31:32):
what this person is all about before you walk down
that aisle. It's some things you'll never find out everything,
but find out as much as you can see if
you love this person for real and can you deal
with them. So one of the main things that we
we hone on and marriage and with our children. Know
that somebody's gonna stick in there with you. You know,
(31:52):
if in the beginning, if they say and I'm not
taking care of my mama, I'm not taking care of
my my family, I'm not doing all that, you won't
be taking here either.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Don't let anything happen to you. Know, somebody that's.
Speaker 6 (32:03):
Gonna love you through your your small way, your big way,
help you work through your stuff, you know, and you
do the same for them. Don't abandon them if they
get sick. You want somebody that's gonna be there with you.
If something happens to you, will they abandon you or
go for someone else? Think about that and look and
see and discern. Can you We can't predict the future,
(32:26):
but does this person seem like they will be with
you through the thick and thin.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
You know, for better or worse?
Speaker 6 (32:31):
Richer abhoor, sickness, health. These are the things I talk
to my daughters about, even the ones that are not engaged.
I tell you things because it's important. I say, look
at your father and me see glean at a man
that will work, that will love you, that will cover you,
not just be a husband and be a lid, but
that's a covering that about you. It's a great treat
(32:55):
you in the dating process because the marriage is magnified.
So those what do you talk to your daughters as
a man? How do you talk to your daughter, particularly
the one who's about to enter into.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Matth holy matter?
Speaker 4 (33:08):
You know.
Speaker 5 (33:09):
One of the things that we focus on is expectations.
Like a lot of people don't talk about expectations. Now,
you may not be able to meet every expectation right away,
but talk about expected Okay, what are you expecting of
one another? A lot of times people don't talk about that.
They just get and then expectations come up. I thought
you were going to do this, well I thought you
(33:30):
were going to be this way. Now you need to
talk because then that person to let you know what
I thought you was gonna be cooking every night, Well,
I work like you all these different things. Yes, say
I thought we were gonna be having.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
Sex there every day.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
You understand these things. People do not talk.
Speaker 5 (33:46):
About expectations when they get married. So I talked to
my daughters about expectations. Of course, the number one thing
is that it's more than talk. It's them watching how
I treat my wife. Yes, how I treat her, how
I respond even sometimes when they've seen me responding the
wrong way and they say that that wasn't good. I'm okay,
(34:07):
yeah right, and your proude kind of want to hold
on and say, well, I'm the man, I can do whatever.
But no, it's how they see me treat her and
they and they notice that they pay attention to that.
So it's more so how I live and what I'm
doing on a daily basis. I was talking to one
of my friends this morning about the fact that my
decisions that I do and how I respond and how
I treat my wife. It's very very critical to how
(34:31):
my children are going to look at married and all
those things. Yes, a lot of young people are like,
I'm not getting married because so much.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
I don't want to.
Speaker 5 (34:44):
I just be whatever, and I just shack or whatever
or just you know, just kind of be in some
little relationship that I'm not getting married situation.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
One of the things I learned too and being married is.
Speaker 6 (34:57):
Is it is very important that we don't criticize each other. Right,
there are things in marriage that people gonna do that
you don't like. You can be married fifty five eleven
fifty eleven years and something that get under your skin
the wrong way.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And but do we have to pick and choose our battles?
Don't we?
Speaker 4 (35:17):
Yes and choose?
Speaker 3 (35:19):
And so I want you to say something.
Speaker 6 (35:23):
We've got about ten minutes left, and then I want
to order you to come on because she gleans from
the episodes, but I want you to say something. Each
of you, take about a minute and say something to
our listening and watching audience about marriage reloaded.
Speaker 5 (35:40):
I want you to start this son, Okay, all right,
So what I will say is is that. And this
is something that's just been on my heart as far
as marriage Reloaded is concerned, is that people have to
realize that marriage is a God ordained institution.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Come on.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
So therefore, because when we get ready to get married, well,
we need a minister, you need witnesses, we have vowels
that we have to make. We're doing this this ceremony
before God, most of the time in a in a
spiritual place like maybe in the church, sometimes on the beach,
but it is spiritual. The whole thing is spiritual. It's
(36:18):
a God ordained institution.
Speaker 4 (36:21):
But after we.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
Get married, we leave God out of it. This thing
that was ordained by God. We leave him out of it,
or we kick him out of it. And you have
something that was ordained by God. You have vowels, you
have witnesses, you have a spiritual your, your your vows
that you're making.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
You're doing all these things.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
You have a minister that is get that that is
performing this ceremony. You're doing it in the church many times.
But afterwards you say, well, God were good, we got
it from here. It's a God ordained institution. You cannot
do this marriage reloaded without God.
Speaker 4 (36:58):
And that's what I would say, yes, thank you us.
Speaker 6 (37:02):
I feel like as women sometimes we can be very emotional,
and you know, we go through all kinds of things
in life, but the anchor is God in the marriage,
and there's times that we have to know to take
time for ourselves to mold, because you can't give your
best self to a person if you're not good. And
I have to learn this as a mother and as
(37:23):
a wife. I have to start taking care.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Of me first.
Speaker 6 (37:25):
And it sounds selfish, but I can give out of
my overflow, out of my cup I over fail. And
when we start to understand that the overflow is a
blessing man, as God feels us up, then we can
help others. But if we're giving out of our empty
we're not doing. It's like a sound of brass and
a tinkling symbol.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
It is.
Speaker 6 (37:47):
You can't really be effective and empty. You must give
out of an overflow. And there's times that there's sacrificial moments, okay,
where you're at the low fuel of yourself that you
can give, but.
Speaker 4 (38:01):
That's the.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
View between you, not not the norm.
Speaker 6 (38:06):
It shouldn't be the norm, right, and so in order
to reload, we have to go back and reflect and
see where we messed up or where what can be better.
And that's what's important to be able to reload. You
can't reload or refuel in anything unless you go back
and reflect on what decisions and things have affected your
(38:28):
marriage and your life. And so that's what I have
to say about the reload.
Speaker 5 (38:31):
Yeah, I want to say, you have to forget about
trying to impress other people, you understand, trying to look
like we have We gotta as our work book says,
we have to do the work. To do the work,
that's what marriage is all about. It is time you
can we.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
Find your book? Where can where can we find your book.
Speaker 4 (38:52):
On our website?
Speaker 5 (38:54):
Uh website our workbook and our book on our website
at marriage ask you.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
To put it up as you said you would, you
come back up please.
Speaker 4 (39:04):
Marriage r L dot com. It's simple. It's the r
L stands for reload. So marriage marriage r L dot com.
Speaker 5 (39:12):
Yes, that's where you can go, and it tells you
about different resources that we have there. We coach couples,
all this type of stuff. We do all that, that's
what we all are.
Speaker 6 (39:20):
And you can also see our story on CBN Network.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
But we do a interview.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
We're an interview.
Speaker 6 (39:27):
You do a presentation where you can see the jail
situation and you can also see me throwing clothes out.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
I mean, it wasn't a better Roses.
Speaker 6 (39:35):
Listen. We went through so we out on the other side.
There is no marriage is perfect. We're not perfect, but
we can learn from the mistakes that we made. We
never knew that this was going to be a ministry.
We were just trying to survive. We will tell okay,
and we thank God for it because at birth a
(39:55):
book and a ministry, and that's the thing. We can't
quit in the in the hard part, some of us do. Yep,
I'm gonna let you finish up because the last word,
but I do want order you to be able to
ask questions, and ask you questions now before we go okay.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
So I want to say thank you guys for being
so transparent. This is the keeping the Real show with
doctor Linda Chen and this transparency has been just eye opening.
Speaker 3 (40:23):
So thank you for that.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
Because a lot of people won't share their story, they
will try to hide the whole thing, So thank you
for that. First of all, Pastor James, my my grandfather
name is James Richardson.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
You're not from all Bennie, are you?
Speaker 4 (40:34):
Oh? Which is.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
Oh no, no, uh pastor traffina. I you know, I
was that girl like you, right. I didn't think about marriage.
That wasn't something I thought about because I didn't come
from like a healthy two family parent mam right. And
when my husband met me, I was like, bro, I'm
not marriage material. I'm gonna tell you right now. I
don't like to do the laundry, I don't like I
(41:00):
hate grocery shopping. You know, because I saw my mother,
she was a great wife. And I saw my dad
who took care of us financially, but he had women
rolling like the river baby, and I was like, I'm
not doing that. So when you see women who are
broken like that, and they may be missing out on
a good thing because they are broken like that, what
do you say to them?
Speaker 6 (41:21):
When I see women that are broken and they they
may miss their good thing, I say, pay attention, because you.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
May miss your good thing.
Speaker 6 (41:30):
And a lot of times they do and they think
back and they regret that they didn't make a change,
you know. And I applaud you for go ahead and
getting married, and you.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Let him know beforehand.
Speaker 6 (41:41):
These are this is what you're getting, and that's so important.
But when a woman is when a woman is broken
and she misses her good thing, she has regrets because
we know when we missed a good thing, when you
had something bad, That's how I knew something was good
for me, my husband for me, I had something bad
and I was done with the bad, so I needed
(42:01):
something that was good for me. And so I recognized good.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
When you see good.
Speaker 6 (42:07):
So for those women they might miss out, they may
miss out. And the ones that are looking or gleaning,
sometimes women are looking at the wrong things. They're looking
at them. Oh he don't dress this way, he don't
look You're going to miss out because those little things
can be changed. Those little things can be changed if
we work together. You told your husband up front, so
I'm sure he worked with you on those issues, you know.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
And I'm better now. I'm better now after twenty two years.
But I was rough. I was rough back then.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
And one last question for you, because this is a
biggie and I hit this a lot. So I had
two women come to me. Both of them are married,
both of them in very very The managers like pretty
much bottom out. It's about to be done, and they
wanted me to create an act for them called the
Lonely Wife Wow, And I built the entire app for them,
and after I built it, they kind of backpelled. So
(42:57):
I don't know if I want to put my business
out there like that. But one of them have gone
on to just say I'm out. The other one is like,
I don't like my husband. I just really don't like him.
So when they are on the edge like that and
they have pretty much given up because it feels hopeless,
you know, what.
Speaker 3 (43:11):
Can they do?
Speaker 6 (43:12):
Can they can?
Speaker 3 (43:12):
They can they reload the marriage at that point, you know?
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And I know one of them really really did try.
I think my husband had already checked out. So she's
just like, you know what, whatever, we're gonna be roommates.
The other one is still hanging on, but she's like,
I don't like them.
Speaker 6 (43:24):
Yeah, if they're not willing to go to counseling, counseling
is part of the big thing because we try.
Speaker 3 (43:30):
To fix things.
Speaker 6 (43:31):
Every doctor needs a doctor, the lawyer needs a lawyer.
Every coach you need a coach. Yeah, we understand if
every person needs somebody, and when you're not willing to
go and get some help because that was me.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
I was ashamed. I knew I was a bad girl.
Speaker 6 (43:46):
I knew I didn't want nobody to know and get
what everybody knows now because I had to go through
so many challenges and God said, you're gonna put this
in a book. You gonna die to yourself. But you
can prevent a whole lot of things if you sit
down and just talk to somebody, get a counselor. It's
some prayer back in the marriage when respect is gone.
We had that gone out of our marriage. God reloaded us.
(44:08):
It is very difficult without a mediator, a counselor.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
To get this back.
Speaker 6 (44:14):
And so my advice to would be on the last leg,
go ahead and get some counseling, and then they have
to do the work because counseling is not enough. Now
you got to put forth the effort. The most frustrating
thing with counselors and they will dismiss you, is because
if you don't do the work, if you go in
there and you sit down. I'm a coach, but I
(44:35):
give homework and they don't do it. I don't see
them anymore because you're not going to waste my time.
It's not about the money. For me, it's about the results.
I care about your marriage and I can't care more
than you, so that would be.
Speaker 3 (44:48):
The answer for me. Yeah, that's the jen. Do you
want to give the last word before we tell?
Speaker 5 (44:54):
I mean, yeah, I think it's it's all things are
possible in this thing, but we have have to get help,
and it has to.
Speaker 4 (45:02):
Be both people willing to put the work in.
Speaker 5 (45:05):
You know. It's like God will throw the life wrap
out there for you to take a wrap or to
get on, but are you gonna do it? Are you
going to allow you? And so I think so many
times what happens is is like people are suffering in silence.
That's something we've done a whole podcast on that suffering
is so a lot of marriages are suffering in silence
(45:26):
because we don't want anybody to know what's going on.
If you're gonna save your marriage, you have to forget
about you know. Oh a lot of times I'm gonna
tell you what happened. When we go places and share
the real raw stuff that happened in our marriage, people say,
how can y'all share?
Speaker 4 (45:41):
Y'all business like that that's all the time, Like, what
are you saying?
Speaker 5 (45:46):
What are you saying. Look, God, we're over We've overcome. Yeah,
this stuff is going on in households, Yeah.
Speaker 6 (45:55):
Every day, even in people who go to church, who
lead churches.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
We are people. Well, will you come back on and
do and don't we'll talk about it. The suffering in silence.
Speaker 6 (46:06):
Sure, yes, oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
That's favor.
Speaker 6 (46:10):
And I'm sorry. I know you said he was the
last words. But the lonely wife, that's that's not uncommon.
The lonely spouse is not uncommon. So we hopefully we
can talk about that too at another time, because there
are so many dynamics that go into the loneliness.
Speaker 3 (46:26):
Of a spouse. Yeah, you just can't hit it.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Yeah, they came to me, they were all ready for it.
I did it for him, but right when it got
completely finished and it was ready to launch on the
app store, they kind.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
Of was like nah, and it was.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
And for one of them, she was a pastor, so
she didn't want people to know her business, so she
she back. The other one was like, well, we were
going to do it together, so they didn't do it.
But you know, that is a big thing, and I
see that a lot, and I talk to a lot
of women and they all say the same thing. And
I said to my husband the other day, say it,
I still like you. He started laughing. He said thank god. Yeah,
(47:06):
he said, thank god, I still like you, which was funny.
But this was great, doctor ten, and I'm glad you're
gonna bring them back because I thought this was great.
I really do love your transparency and I can't wait to.
Speaker 3 (47:16):
Buy the book.
Speaker 2 (47:17):
I don't I don't buy a lot of books that's
not business books, but I'm gonna buy that book, that
one because I feel like it can help somebody. I'm
gonna share with a couple of people too, so.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
They do that.
Speaker 6 (47:26):
Thank you, Richardson. I'm just gonna leave it there fast.
James and Traffina, thank you so much for coming on.
And I promise you or this, they're gonna come back
and talk to us about both those topics as long
as they're willing. And just remember this, they tell their
story because God gets the glory and he heals people
through that.
Speaker 3 (47:51):
Very welcome.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
If you guys enjoyed this episode, be sure to scan
the QR colde up in the upper left hand corner
and now load the app to your phone so you
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And go to doctor Ten's website Lindachandministries dot com for
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(48:14):
y'all like this, so if you don't subscribe.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
You might miss it. But don't do that. Subscribe.
Speaker 2 (48:19):
We'll be back again in two weeks, same time, same place.
Thank you guys so much. Have a wonderful day until
next time.
Speaker 6 (48:24):
Everybody, thank it a great day by now, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
You've been listening to Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen.
If you enjoyed this episode, hit the like part and
insure it with a friend. Be sure to support the
show by going to Lindachinministries dot com. Subscribe to the
show so you never missed an episode, and tune.
Speaker 3 (48:43):
In again in two weeks at two pm
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Eastern Santize until next time, Keep your faith and keep
it Real.
Welcome to Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen. This
is the podcast where real life choices new biblical truth
without the pluck. Tune in every second and fourth Monday
at two pm Eastern Standard Time as Doctor Chen shares
faith filled, practical insights to navigate everyday challenges. Get ready
(00:22):
for real talk, real life, and real answers.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Good afternoon, Good afternoon, Good afternoon, and welcome to another
episode of Keeping It Red with Doctor Linda Chen. I
am Audrebud Kurney, the producer of the show, got a
great one.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
For you guys today. Listen.
Speaker 2 (00:39):
It's called Marriage Reloaded.
Speaker 3 (00:41):
Let me tell y'all something.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
I've been married twenty two years, and I gotta tell
you I'm excited about this episode because I remember when
I first got married. Before I got married, we went
through about two hours of marriage counseling. Two the hours,
not years, not months, two hours, and I realized later
on in life, had we gone through more counseling, things
would have been a little bit different. I have survived
(01:06):
twenty two years, but let me tell you, it's been tough.
So I'm so excited for this episode because in the
day and time in which we live, you have the
opportunity to talk to amazing people who have a lot
of wisdom to share. Back when I got married, you
can just jump on the internet and find somebody to
share information with you about getting married and share openly.
Speaker 3 (01:22):
You know, it was behind closed doors with a pastor
for two hours.
Speaker 2 (01:25):
Now here we are streaming on Facebook and TikTok and
LinkedIn and all these great places. So we got a
great show for you today. Doctor Chan always picked some
amazing people to bring on this show so she can
educate and empower you to live a better life. And
when it comes to being a couple, I'm sure this
is gonna be a good one. So without further ado,
let's bring everybody to the stage. Good afternoon, Good afternoon.
Speaker 4 (01:48):
Good afternoon.
Speaker 5 (01:49):
Hello, Hello, hello hello hello Yeah, yeah, exciting good, this
is good.
Speaker 3 (01:56):
Yeah, Marryed.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
I can't wait for this one.
Speaker 6 (02:00):
I'm glad people send that to me. They can't wait. Audrey,
thank you so much for that intro, because this is
keeping it real And a lot of times we look
good and we laugh and we smile and we're doing
our thing, and you know, walking in our calling and
purposes and marriage is a whole other side of life.
So thank you for being excited about what these two
(02:23):
power people about to bring forth.
Speaker 3 (02:25):
And we'll see you on the back end order, yes, ma'am, Yes, ma'am.
Speaker 6 (02:30):
Welcome, Welcome, Welcome, Pastors James and Trafina Richardson. I'm gonna
give you a little bit of the background that they
sent me, but I'm gonna also want to tell you
who they are to me, and I know who they
are to the Body of Christ. These wonderful people. I'm
telling they've been married over thirty years. They have three
beautiful adult daughters. They've raised their family, They've been in
(02:53):
ministry for years. Pastor Richardson, our Pastor James Richardson all
absolutely has a in a Steal degree. And Pastor Trafina
walks in the prophetic. She is a prophet, and so
both of them have professional lives and she's also a coach.
And I just want to say from my own personal experience,
(03:13):
and you know, I'm just gonna throw this in there,
that the Man of God also has a business edi
as Services, and I have been using his services. He
walks in integrity, he serves in integrity. The Woman of
God is discreet when she has conversations and I just
absolutely love them. So without further ado, pastors, tell us
(03:33):
a little bit about yourself before I go off into
the deep bed. Okay, I am Trafina Richardson. I am
a hairdresser as well, a mother of three, as you
have stated, a coach, I mentor, but most of all,
I'm a servant of the Most High God and I
(03:54):
enjoy you know, this journey that God has us has
us on married to my.
Speaker 3 (04:00):
For thirty years.
Speaker 6 (04:02):
And I'll let him tell a little bit about himself.
But we'll get into the book about reloading because I
thank God for marriage. I never wanted to be married,
never wanted to have any children, and be that as
it made. God turned it around for his glory. So
we'll talk about that a little bit more. But that
is who I am, yep, and I'm Pastor James Richardson.
(04:23):
We are the pastors of Intermission Family Church.
Speaker 5 (04:26):
It's a new ministry in Douglasville, a new ministry, a
new growing ministry, and so we're just excited about the
things that God is doing in the earth. We are
Our passion is people. We love people, and we of
course we love marriage. We have a passion for marriage.
Before we even started the church, we had a marriage
min we've had a marriage ministry since twenty nineteen, and
(04:49):
so we went through so many different things in our
marriage that after we when God began to bring us out.
It's like when he said to Peter, Jesus told Peter,
he said, Satan has desired to sift you. But he said,
he said, when you are when he said, when you
are restored, strengthen your brethren. So God has restored us,
(05:09):
and so now we have a passion to strengthen other marriages.
Speaker 4 (05:13):
And so we just we're simple people. We love God.
Speaker 5 (05:17):
We're not out about titles and all these different type
of things. Were just very simple people. But we have
a passion to just serve God and to help people.
Speaker 6 (05:24):
Yes, yep, I love it. So welcome to the show.
And they what they say is true.
Speaker 3 (05:31):
You have to know them. You know, they're not religious people.
Speaker 6 (05:34):
They're relatable people, and that's what we're missing oftentimes in
the church today. But let me ask you and you
all can decide who's going to answer these questions. Before
you got married, what did marriage mean to you? You
said something very interesting, Pastor Trefina, was that you never
thought you would get married and never wanted to have children.
I know another woman like that, and I've never heard
(05:56):
anybody else say it.
Speaker 3 (05:57):
Talk to a little about it.
Speaker 6 (05:59):
I had a broken family and so marriage was not
appealing to me, and then I saw so many bad relationships,
so I just decided, you know, I didn't want to
be married. If marriage looks like that, I don't want it.
And I definitely didn't want to bring children into the world.
To have to deal with the drama that I had
(06:20):
to deal with and not having a father figure that
I so desired at the time, it was very hard
for me.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
So I didn't respect men.
Speaker 6 (06:30):
So that was one of the ones I was like,
I am women hear me were all type of thing,
you know, women lead the world, you know, and.
Speaker 3 (06:37):
I just didn't have a lot of respect for men.
Speaker 6 (06:39):
And so until I made a man cry or hurt them,
I didn't feel like I had their heart because the
things that I had been through, So I knew I
wouldn't be in my mind, I wouldn't be a good wife,
you know, because I just didn't feel like I had
respect for men because of what was done to me.
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Yes as a young woman, you know.
Speaker 4 (06:58):
So yeah, yeah, and I want to say to see.
Speaker 5 (07:01):
And the thing is, I had a completely different perspective
I had grown up. You know, you know, I didn't
I want to say I grew up in a healthy
marriage environment.
Speaker 4 (07:11):
But I watched The Cosby Show growing up.
Speaker 5 (07:15):
That was my show. So I was like, man, I
want a family like that. I want I want that
type of family. I want that Cosby type of family
to where you know, they dealt with problems, they laughed,
they dealt with their kids, they had So in my
in my my dream mind, that's what I imagine marriage
to be. And I was always say, man, I want
a family when I get older, I want a family.
(07:36):
My grandmother and my grandfather were examples to me of
a couple that you know, worked things out, they worked,
they did what.
Speaker 4 (07:44):
They had to do.
Speaker 5 (07:44):
So and I grew up with them, and so that
was my I had this this dream of how marriage
it could be.
Speaker 4 (07:50):
And I always wanted to be married and I always
wanted a family.
Speaker 3 (07:54):
I love that. I love that. So now what does
marriage mean to you? Now?
Speaker 6 (07:59):
Not just that you've been married over thirty years, but
when you see people today and how marriages go, what
do you think?
Speaker 3 (08:06):
What does marriage mean? To you.
Speaker 6 (08:09):
For me, marriage means everything after God delivered me, Because
I want to say that when you have traumas and
triggers growing up and you bring these things into the marriage,
it affects the marriage and it affects you as a
person and your views as you can see. But when
God delivered me and showed me that marriage is a
(08:30):
beautiful thing, and then he ordained it, you know, it
means everything to me. I'm in love more with my
husband today now than I did when I first met him.
Marriage changed me in a way that it made me
closer to God.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
It made me better as a woman, as a mother.
Speaker 6 (08:47):
And I look at other marriages now when they have problems,
I see that if two are willing to work together,
if two can come together and agree, that God can
move in the midst of it, no matter how hard
it is. It depends on the dynamics also and what
the person is willing to work through. But for me,
it was hard work and it changed me. It made
(09:10):
me closer to God. It made me like Christ. I
will tell you it presents the death, the burial, and
the resurrection of Christ and go.
Speaker 3 (09:19):
And that's what it did for me.
Speaker 6 (09:20):
So when I see marriages today. I see the possibilities
of what God can do to a broken girl, through
a broken girl, broken relationships, through the trials. When you
see people now, when I see people now, I don't
look at the problem. I look at what it can
be the soul right. And so that's how I see
(09:41):
marriage now. I see marriage as a beautiful institution. I
see marriage as something that everyone if they can have
a beautiful marriage or to get married and God to
process them through the marriage, they will become what God
has called them to be.
Speaker 4 (09:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:00):
I love that.
Speaker 5 (10:02):
Yeah, I agree with all those things she said. And
I also think that I see marriage as as a
as a as growing together, supporting one another.
Speaker 4 (10:12):
Yes, you know, she.
Speaker 5 (10:13):
Has things that she wants to do in life and
that she's wanted to do, and supporting her, supporting me
us being a teen to me and and it's a
teen thing. We're in this thing together. We're growing together,
we have dreams together, we have things that we want
and we have our own individual things also.
Speaker 3 (10:30):
But I can support her, she can support.
Speaker 5 (10:32):
Me, we can be accountable to one another. It's all
those things. To me, that's what marriage is is about accountability. Hey,
you are Are you okay? Are you dealing with something?
Speaker 3 (10:40):
Yeah? You do.
Speaker 5 (10:42):
I need to be there to help you. I'm here
to you know, two are better than one. That's what
I said. This is a teen thing because you know,
the Bible says that there's no marriage given in heaven.
So you know, so while we're down here, you know,
if we can find somebody to be with and and
and go on this journey with.
Speaker 4 (10:59):
It's a one you know.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
I love it.
Speaker 5 (11:02):
That's what I see it as I see it as
a as a teen thing and as as supporting one
another and helping one another as we're on this journey
in life.
Speaker 3 (11:10):
That's really interesting. It's given me questions.
Speaker 6 (11:15):
As you know, we allow the Holy Spirit to move
on this podcast no matter what questions came up. But
I want to say this right and I didn't say
it in the intro, but you two have written a
book called Marriage Reloaded, and you're adding a workbook to it.
How did that come into fruition?
Speaker 3 (11:33):
Mm hmmm, Doctor Nina Bruner. Let's say that we were going.
Speaker 6 (11:39):
Through we had, we had, we were at our wits end,
and we went through so much in the marriage that
it was so painful.
Speaker 3 (11:48):
And because of the pain.
Speaker 6 (11:51):
I was journaling through the pain, and the pain became
a book, and he was journaling through our stuff. And
doctor Dina when we have a part in the book
it's called the Big blow Up, and I shared with
her what was going on, and you know, I told
her that, you know, I was we were thinking about
writing a book, and she said no, She actually said,
(12:13):
you guys need to think about writing a book.
Speaker 3 (12:15):
And when we were going through.
Speaker 6 (12:16):
The pain of it, I was saying to myself, no way.
But we turned our journals into our book because she
suggested it, and in the midst of the pain she
suggested it.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
In my mind was like no.
Speaker 6 (12:28):
But as God processed us, we took our journals and
we conversed and that's how it came together.
Speaker 5 (12:35):
Yeah, And we decided that when we wrote the books
that we were gonna because you know, different people look
at I might have seen things one way going through
the same situation. So we're going to write from the
husband's perspective, from what I saw and what the things
that I was experiencing, and from her perspective, so that
everybody would be able to relate to this thing, you
(12:55):
know what I mean.
Speaker 4 (12:56):
So it was just like, Okay, we're gonna we're just
gonna work it.
Speaker 5 (13:00):
We're not going to try to make it come into
we're just gonna work on it organically, and when we
know that it's done, then we're going to put it out.
So as we began to look at it, we looked
at it in three stages, and these are the three
stages that most marriages go through.
Speaker 4 (13:15):
They go through it.
Speaker 5 (13:15):
They go through the first part, the honeymoon, Oh I
love you, hey with Hey, you like ice cream? I
like ice cream, you likeay, y'all likes to forget it.
It's all the honeymoon part. That's the beginning of what
happened in every marriage. But then you get to the discovery.
To the discovery, the mask comes off and you know
(13:36):
the person that did all these different things.
Speaker 4 (13:38):
That you didn't really consider.
Speaker 5 (13:39):
They start coming up and you're like, oh my god,
I didn't know that you thought like that, or I
didn't know that you had that issue going on, and
all these different things. And that's where most marriages fail
in that discovery stage, because a person finds out, oh,
I'm not gonna put up. Sometimes they'll put up with
it for a while, but then after while people just
say forget it, I'm out of here. But if you
make it from that stage then and by the grace
(14:02):
of God, Yeah, that's what it really was, the grace
of God. Then you get to the marriage reloaded, where
you begin to understand one another, where you begin to say, Okay,
what did I bring into this marriage that I needed
because we're on this journey. We're on this this boat,
and this boat is gonna sink if we're gonna throw
(14:24):
some things off, be thrown off some of my pride.
Speaker 4 (14:27):
I need to throw some lust off. I need to
throw bad attitudes and a whatever it is.
Speaker 5 (14:32):
So we had to begin to throw some things off
of the ship that we did not need if we
want to make it to the other side. That's that's
how that's how the book came about. It's just the
experiences and things that we went through. The like Paul said,
the things that I've gone through have happened for the
furtherance of the Gospel. Yes, yes, we went through in
(14:53):
our in our marriage. That's how this book was birthed.
Speaker 3 (14:57):
Right.
Speaker 6 (14:57):
So, uh, it's interest how and I hope this is
helping somebody who's listening or watching now or later how
they didn't give details, but their marriage was in trouble.
They were at their wits end. And I don't know
anybody who's been married for any length of time who
hasn't really thought about packing up their stuff and leaving.
Speaker 3 (15:19):
Right, And so let's keep it real.
Speaker 6 (15:21):
Let's understand, you love God, you could be saved, sanctified,
fill with the Holy ghost, right, you know the word
from Genesis through the map. But don't think that your
marriage cannot be reloaded. It can be healed. It can
be healed. And that's what she said that Pastor Trafina
said in the beginning, I see something that can go
and prosper. Now, how do you all handle disagreements? Okay,
(15:47):
I want to go back if you don't mind to
what you're saying, because we like to keep it real
because too many people are in hiding. When God delivers us,
whom the sun says free is free. Indeed, you know
we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the
word of our testimony.
Speaker 3 (16:00):
I need not loving our lives to death. So I'll
answer that.
Speaker 6 (16:02):
Let me just go back the brokenness that I brought
into and we you know, because I don't know how
much time we had, but I would just go ahead
and go there. I was an angry woman. I was hurting,
I was broken, and I took that and I brought
that into the marriage. And you know, I put it
on my husband because I remember I had daddy issues, okay,
(16:25):
and a lot of times when you have those daddy
issues and you don't have respect for men, it's you know,
I loved him, and I still love him, but it
was it was.
Speaker 4 (16:34):
Me the things I had.
Speaker 6 (16:36):
And so these things come from childhood, yeah, bring from
childhood into adulthood, and so those things had whether the
reason why? And we get really raw in the book.
It's one hundred and seventeen pages or eighteen pages, but
we tell the truth. I was angry. I went to
jail for twenty four hours. I do not have a record, okay.
(16:57):
And I saw my life flash before me, and the
Bible says be angry and said not. I said, okay,
which landed me in the jail. I still don't have
a speeding ticket. I'm fifty seven years old. I worked
with children, and I was angry, and I took it out, okay.
And so God, we both had some issues. He'll tell
(17:18):
you his but he had to reload our spiritual guns
and our marriage guns. That's why it's called reloaded. We
reloaded because we ran out of ammunition. We were walking
talking biblical. We looked the part. We tried our best
to be. But when you're not delivered, it doesn't matter
(17:39):
that you speak in tongues and prophesies. You know, it
doesn't matter about all of that stuff when you are
dealing with the works of the flesh and deliver us,
because gifts are given without repentance. And so I had
to go on the journey, and this journey made me
better as a person. Jail saved my life for twenty
(18:00):
four hours. I hear you, it saved my life. I
don't know who I would be if I hadn't seen
my life flash before me.
Speaker 3 (18:08):
I go graphic in the book.
Speaker 6 (18:10):
I talk about the chains on my hand, the feet,
my hair is sitting up because we cannot become who
we are or who we want to be unless we
understand how God can deliver us. Have to go through
the process. And as my husband was saying, many people
don't make it through process.
Speaker 4 (18:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 6 (18:28):
Yeah, I had to die to myself to bury some
old feelings and things of the past and the childhood
at and trauma.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
God was resurrected. I don't know if you want to ask.
Speaker 5 (18:42):
Us when we when we came together, it was like
dynamite in the match.
Speaker 4 (18:49):
I was the match. She was a dynamite. I had
my childhood issues. I went through childhood trauma.
Speaker 5 (18:55):
So you don't if you never deal with that childhood trauma,
things that happen to your childhood, abuse and things like that,
then you become an adult.
Speaker 4 (19:04):
Yes with trauma. Yes, bring that trauma into the marriage.
Speaker 5 (19:09):
The other person has no idea that you're a match dynamite,
and now you have these two things coming together and
it's like boom, it's an explosion.
Speaker 4 (19:18):
And so I brought my issues into the marriage.
Speaker 5 (19:20):
I brought lust and different things from childhood, things that
I things that I growing up and as a man,
we like to keep that.
Speaker 4 (19:28):
We like we don't want.
Speaker 5 (19:29):
Anybody to know about this stuff. We try to hide it.
Come on, hide and act like everything is fine.
Speaker 4 (19:34):
You singing on the.
Speaker 3 (19:35):
Praise team, you epire you and us.
Speaker 5 (19:38):
Sure you are a parking lot attending or whatever it is,
or you can be even a minister.
Speaker 4 (19:45):
And you have this trauma. A deacon and you never
dealt with it.
Speaker 5 (19:50):
Now you're married, and now you're hiding and stuff, and
it's like you're going these problems are in your marriage, yes,
because you never dealt with it.
Speaker 6 (20:00):
Actually, and I'm going to say this as men of color,
we as women married to black men who you never
you can be married to somebody ten, fifteen, twenty years
and never know that he may have been molested by
a family members, right or that they may have been abused.
And so this is why this is not the first
time we've had a couple on here, and it's given
me ideas and I'm going to talk to the Lord
(20:21):
about it. But marriages need to be healed. Po don't
need to be healed. So when you say I love
how you all support each other, how does that work
when you're not really when it's one of those days
where you just don't feel like talking to one another.
Doesn't nobody's marriage is perfect, but they can be perfect
for each other, and we do have our days and
(20:43):
we just don't want to talk. So how do you
support each other when you have in one of those
moments or times.
Speaker 3 (20:49):
When you're just not feeling each other?
Speaker 5 (20:51):
We were talking about that before we got on. There's
times when see that's why you know, we have to
you have to realize you have to learn your spouse. Yeah,
boundaries and all those type of things. And that's what
we were talking about there. I have to as I've
been with my wife, I could recognize, Okay, this is
not a good time when I need to have a
conversation with her.
Speaker 4 (21:12):
She recognized.
Speaker 5 (21:13):
So he's been you know, working all day, he's coming home,
he's tired.
Speaker 4 (21:17):
We both are tired. Okay, I don't need to talk
right now. It's gonna turn into World War three.
Speaker 5 (21:24):
So recognizing knowing your spouse, understanding your spouse, knowing their boundaries,
knowing what triggers are you know there there are certain triggers.
There are certain triggers that I used to have. And
then she would do certain it was a simple thing
like you know, this is something when my wife any
time when she used to get upset with me, what
she would do is when she came into the room.
Speaker 4 (21:47):
To give it, take a shower or something.
Speaker 5 (21:49):
Normally she would just go in there and get in
the shower, but when she's upset with me, she closes
the door. So so so it was a time where
she came and closed the door, and I thought she
was upset.
Speaker 4 (21:59):
I'm like, okay, she must be upset.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
So I'm all, i'm on, gun, I'm on, I'm on,
I'm on.
Speaker 4 (22:03):
Ready now, And she says, what's going on?
Speaker 5 (22:05):
And we get into this big argument right before her birthday.
Speaker 4 (22:11):
It's a trigger for me.
Speaker 3 (22:13):
Understand the door is a trigger for me.
Speaker 5 (22:15):
So so recognizing little triggers looks like that. You can't
even play around with understanding your spouse. And so those
those are the kind of things that we kind of
pay attention to over the years and say, Okay, is
this a good time to talk, or do we need
to talk during we need we need to pay attention
to when we need.
Speaker 4 (22:32):
To communicate, the right time to communicate.
Speaker 6 (22:35):
And so yeah, and and I closed the door because
he was on a phone call and I didn't want
to listen. You know, it's a time I just closed
the door. But you know, it was a trigger and
it was like, I really wasn't trying to be funny,
you know, have of the things that you know we've
done over the years. And then I understood where he
(22:55):
was coming from. But at the same time, at that moment,
it wasn't that I like to give to a person.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
I'm a person that I'm very I'm an extrovert and
I'm an introvert. Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 6 (23:06):
I need my space, and you know, he might think
I'm being funny, but I'm just I need that time.
You have to be able to recognize that everyone needs
their personal time and we still have to get to business.
So I'm gonna deal with it when I know he's
more alert. But you know, if we don't agree, we're
still gonna talk about the uncomfortable thing because I know
(23:27):
I'm probably jumping ahead, but I'm the communicator in the
relationship and so is he now. But we have to
do business whether you like it or not. Whether we do,
it's uncomfortable when I say what I say and he
says what he says. Well, if we don't agree, we'll
come back and we'll deal with it, but we'll not
deal with the issue because it doesn't go away. And
when we stop dealing with the issues, we're slowly dying. Listen,
(23:52):
that is a that's key, slowly dying because when people
don't understand, I have to sing and I still say
and I said it so much to the girlfriend of
mine made me a T shirt and it says marriage
is for grown ups.
Speaker 3 (24:05):
Marriage is for grown ups. Marriage.
Speaker 6 (24:07):
You can't have temper tensions because you don't get your way.
And yeah, all of this and stop going off and
doing crazy things. That doesn't solve anything. And you did
answer a question I was going to ask about how
you communicate.
Speaker 3 (24:19):
But one of the things too that I.
Speaker 6 (24:21):
Wanted to bring up was how do you keep the
romance alive? So I want to say something else before
you answer, how do you keep the romance alive? And
if you have regular date nights and you ain't really
feeling like it, do you still keep the date? Okay,
I'll answer that I keep the romance alive by doing
(24:43):
It doesn't start in the bedroom, okay. It starts on
a text message I'm thinking of you today, or I
call you, I love you, I'm just thinking about you,
your little love notes, or maybe some dinner or dessert,
or just you know, just a little surprised.
Speaker 3 (24:58):
Sometimes I'll just draw bubble bad.
Speaker 6 (25:00):
You know what time are you coming home? I have
a surprise because some candles are down there. You know
he's sleeping, and I might give a foot massage or
a back massage. Yeah, doesn't start in the bedroom. It
starts way before you get into bed. And so understand that,
then we can we can learn each other's you know,
I know that book about love language, but you have
(25:21):
personal things that we have that we have to pay
attention to. And some men are more harder than others.
My husbands are pretty easy, but there's some you know,
to love he you know, he loves to be loved on.
So macho, you have to study your mate, you know
what I'm saying, and what is missing because usually when
(25:42):
they're so macho and they're so tough, they're really really
soft inside. Yes, find out what is really going on
on the inside, because the stuff that they do externally
can make you be like whatever, I'm not doing it,
But you gotta pray and you got to ask how
do I deal with this? Because they got a lot
of stuff going on. So yeah, so that's how that's
(26:05):
how we keep the romance. And did I answer.
Speaker 4 (26:08):
Yes to that? Okay?
Speaker 5 (26:10):
Because because one of the things that we did recently
is we uh and I had never done it before
even I heard a lot about it.
Speaker 4 (26:17):
Is we did how to understand what your love language is? Yeah?
Speaker 5 (26:20):
Yeah, and I had never done that, and I found
out what mine were. So it's important to understand because
you could be doing one thing thinking okay, I'm doing
this and they don't even look, they don't even.
Speaker 4 (26:31):
Respond to it.
Speaker 5 (26:32):
What if that's not their love language, right, you know,
So understanding your spouse, understanding those areas like like she said,
we give each other. The other day, she just brought
me some uh, some vegetarian egg row home. She said,
I got a surprise f And I'm like what And
she brought it home and I was like, oh, it
was delicious, but she it was a surprise.
Speaker 3 (26:52):
It was like it was like something spontaneous.
Speaker 5 (26:55):
Yes, So when you doous things, Hey we're going to
go do this today, we're going out here. We might
just wake up and say hey we're going to breakfast.
Well we are, yeah, you know, so spontaneous. The spontaneity
is very important to keep the romance alive because you
don't know what that person is gonna do.
Speaker 4 (27:13):
You don't know.
Speaker 5 (27:14):
You just they just pop up and do something special
or whatever, and it's like or something really simple. It's
like that, I really try to do a lot of
and I and she can tell you this.
Speaker 4 (27:24):
I'm always asking her, are you okay? How you doing?
I'm asking her that every day, how you feeling today?
You are right? Eat anything anything I can do today.
Speaker 5 (27:33):
I'm just constantly asking her that all the time, and
she's doing the same thing. So just being attentive to
one another, and that's that's how we just and that
just keeps the fire. It keeps the fire burning. And
just you know, we love to laugh together. Yeah, constantly
laughing all the time together daily and I love that,
(27:54):
just laughing about something in the car or laughing into
bed about something.
Speaker 4 (27:58):
Just you gotta have you have you can't be so serious.
Speaker 6 (28:02):
Yes, yes, yeah, my god, that you can't be so
serious all the time. And then when your child like
that childish child like a two different thing, when your
child like you can open up to laugh about yourself
or laugh at each other, and that's offended about it,
exactly exactly. We flew like kites on you know. One
(28:23):
time he was like, what are we gonna do? I said, oh,
we get ready to get some kites. We get ready
to play in the sand. You know, you have to
go back and you have to do some things that
are childlike and have fun and release the stress of life.
Life is already going to schedule so many stressors. We
have to be able to come back to that childlike spirit.
And a lot of times when you become rigid, it's
(28:45):
a hard thing to be dealing with a person that
is rigid, you know, and you have the one that
is the more more spontaneous person can help that person.
Believe it or not, they really need a rescue rope.
They really need prayer. They really need you to overlove
them because they have a lot of hard issues on
(29:05):
the heart that have that have plagued them for so long,
and they need their bound honestly, and the person that
is free can help the bound person. I love that.
I love that. So do you have any of your
children married?
Speaker 3 (29:23):
Not yet? No, not yet.
Speaker 6 (29:25):
We have one that is about to be engaged, but no,
just just one that's about to be engaged.
Speaker 3 (29:31):
The other two are are still in waiting for the rest. Yes,
So do.
Speaker 6 (29:38):
You have what kind of conversation would you bring or
would you give your daughter as you know she's preparing
for a marriage. Naturally don't go into personal things, but
you know, as a mother, what would you tell another
mother to have to converse about as it relates to
getting married.
Speaker 3 (29:58):
Yes, be careful who you married. Number one.
Speaker 6 (30:01):
Be willing to look and investigate on their life and
get to know them. Ask as many questions as you can.
Date date them, see them when they're angry, see them
when they're happy. Find out how they grew up, because
whatever they've gone through, they're going to bring that into
the marriage. How they think, how they act, how they react.
(30:23):
Be willing to forgive easily when you go through things.
Be willing to conversate about those things. Make sure that
that person knows God and love him, because that's first
and foremost. Because when you marry somebody that doesn't have
an open heart to God, they're not going to be
open to you.
Speaker 3 (30:41):
It's going to be very hard work.
Speaker 6 (30:42):
God can deliver them and set them free, but you're
going to have a ministry on your hands. Always always
always pray, keep prayer. Let God be the threefold court
in your marriage. I tell them that, and I tell
them therapy is healthy amid what anybody says.
Speaker 3 (30:58):
Say again, therapy is healthy.
Speaker 6 (31:01):
It's not a hust word, I'm sorry, not a curse word.
Speaker 3 (31:05):
No, it's healthy. It's healthy.
Speaker 6 (31:10):
It's okay to go get some therapy, pray and do. Yeah,
we need both of those things because you're going to
have some situations that come up where you don't agree,
You're gonna feel like you want to leave. Sometimes you're
gonna it's a lot of things that come up and
you're gonna need God, and you're gonna need some therapy,
and you're going to need to know to find out
(31:32):
what this person is all about before you walk down
that aisle. It's some things you'll never find out everything,
but find out as much as you can see if
you love this person for real and can you deal
with them. So one of the main things that we
we hone on and marriage and with our children. Know
that somebody's gonna stick in there with you. You know,
(31:52):
if in the beginning, if they say and I'm not
taking care of my mama, I'm not taking care of
my my family, I'm not doing all that, you won't
be taking here either.
Speaker 3 (32:00):
Don't let anything happen to you. Know, somebody that's.
Speaker 6 (32:03):
Gonna love you through your your small way, your big way,
help you work through your stuff, you know, and you
do the same for them. Don't abandon them if they
get sick. You want somebody that's gonna be there with you.
If something happens to you, will they abandon you or
go for someone else? Think about that and look and
see and discern. Can you We can't predict the future,
(32:26):
but does this person seem like they will be with
you through the thick and thin.
Speaker 3 (32:29):
You know, for better or worse?
Speaker 6 (32:31):
Richer abhoor, sickness, health. These are the things I talk
to my daughters about, even the ones that are not engaged.
I tell you things because it's important. I say, look
at your father and me see glean at a man
that will work, that will love you, that will cover you,
not just be a husband and be a lid, but
that's a covering that about you. It's a great treat
(32:55):
you in the dating process because the marriage is magnified.
So those what do you talk to your daughters as
a man? How do you talk to your daughter, particularly
the one who's about to enter into.
Speaker 3 (33:07):
Matth holy matter?
Speaker 4 (33:08):
You know.
Speaker 5 (33:09):
One of the things that we focus on is expectations.
Like a lot of people don't talk about expectations. Now,
you may not be able to meet every expectation right away,
but talk about expected Okay, what are you expecting of
one another? A lot of times people don't talk about that.
They just get and then expectations come up. I thought
you were going to do this, well I thought you
(33:30):
were going to be this way. Now you need to
talk because then that person to let you know what
I thought you was gonna be cooking every night, Well,
I work like you all these different things. Yes, say
I thought we were gonna be having.
Speaker 3 (33:42):
Sex there every day.
Speaker 4 (33:44):
You understand these things. People do not talk.
Speaker 5 (33:46):
About expectations when they get married. So I talked to
my daughters about expectations. Of course, the number one thing
is that it's more than talk. It's them watching how
I treat my wife. Yes, how I treat her, how
I respond even sometimes when they've seen me responding the
wrong way and they say that that wasn't good. I'm okay,
(34:07):
yeah right, and your proude kind of want to hold
on and say, well, I'm the man, I can do whatever.
But no, it's how they see me treat her and
they and they notice that they pay attention to that.
So it's more so how I live and what I'm
doing on a daily basis. I was talking to one
of my friends this morning about the fact that my
decisions that I do and how I respond and how
I treat my wife. It's very very critical to how
(34:31):
my children are going to look at married and all
those things. Yes, a lot of young people are like,
I'm not getting married because so much.
Speaker 4 (34:42):
I don't want to.
Speaker 5 (34:44):
I just be whatever, and I just shack or whatever
or just you know, just kind of be in some
little relationship that I'm not getting married situation.
Speaker 3 (34:52):
One of the things I learned too and being married is.
Speaker 6 (34:57):
Is it is very important that we don't criticize each other. Right,
there are things in marriage that people gonna do that
you don't like. You can be married fifty five eleven
fifty eleven years and something that get under your skin
the wrong way.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And but do we have to pick and choose our battles?
Don't we?
Speaker 4 (35:17):
Yes and choose?
Speaker 3 (35:19):
And so I want you to say something.
Speaker 6 (35:23):
We've got about ten minutes left, and then I want
to order you to come on because she gleans from
the episodes, but I want you to say something. Each
of you, take about a minute and say something to
our listening and watching audience about marriage reloaded.
Speaker 5 (35:40):
I want you to start this son, Okay, all right,
So what I will say is is that. And this
is something that's just been on my heart as far
as marriage Reloaded is concerned, is that people have to
realize that marriage is a God ordained institution.
Speaker 3 (35:57):
Come on.
Speaker 5 (35:58):
So therefore, because when we get ready to get married, well,
we need a minister, you need witnesses, we have vowels
that we have to make. We're doing this this ceremony
before God, most of the time in a in a
spiritual place like maybe in the church, sometimes on the beach,
but it is spiritual. The whole thing is spiritual. It's
(36:18):
a God ordained institution.
Speaker 4 (36:21):
But after we.
Speaker 5 (36:23):
Get married, we leave God out of it. This thing
that was ordained by God. We leave him out of it,
or we kick him out of it. And you have
something that was ordained by God. You have vowels, you
have witnesses, you have a spiritual your, your your vows
that you're making.
Speaker 4 (36:41):
You're doing all these things.
Speaker 5 (36:42):
You have a minister that is get that that is
performing this ceremony. You're doing it in the church many times.
But afterwards you say, well, God were good, we got
it from here. It's a God ordained institution. You cannot
do this marriage reloaded without God.
Speaker 4 (36:58):
And that's what I would say, yes, thank you us.
Speaker 6 (37:02):
I feel like as women sometimes we can be very emotional,
and you know, we go through all kinds of things
in life, but the anchor is God in the marriage,
and there's times that we have to know to take
time for ourselves to mold, because you can't give your
best self to a person if you're not good. And
I have to learn this as a mother and as
(37:23):
a wife. I have to start taking care.
Speaker 3 (37:25):
Of me first.
Speaker 6 (37:25):
And it sounds selfish, but I can give out of
my overflow, out of my cup I over fail. And
when we start to understand that the overflow is a
blessing man, as God feels us up, then we can
help others. But if we're giving out of our empty
we're not doing. It's like a sound of brass and
a tinkling symbol.
Speaker 3 (37:46):
It is.
Speaker 6 (37:47):
You can't really be effective and empty. You must give
out of an overflow. And there's times that there's sacrificial moments, okay,
where you're at the low fuel of yourself that you
can give, but.
Speaker 4 (38:01):
That's the.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
View between you, not not the norm.
Speaker 6 (38:06):
It shouldn't be the norm, right, and so in order
to reload, we have to go back and reflect and
see where we messed up or where what can be better.
And that's what's important to be able to reload. You
can't reload or refuel in anything unless you go back
and reflect on what decisions and things have affected your
(38:28):
marriage and your life. And so that's what I have
to say about the reload.
Speaker 5 (38:31):
Yeah, I want to say, you have to forget about
trying to impress other people, you understand, trying to look
like we have We gotta as our work book says,
we have to do the work. To do the work,
that's what marriage is all about. It is time you
can we.
Speaker 3 (38:49):
Find your book? Where can where can we find your book.
Speaker 4 (38:52):
On our website?
Speaker 5 (38:54):
Uh website our workbook and our book on our website
at marriage ask you.
Speaker 3 (39:00):
To put it up as you said you would, you
come back up please.
Speaker 4 (39:04):
Marriage r L dot com. It's simple. It's the r
L stands for reload. So marriage marriage r L dot com.
Speaker 5 (39:12):
Yes, that's where you can go, and it tells you
about different resources that we have there. We coach couples,
all this type of stuff. We do all that, that's
what we all are.
Speaker 6 (39:20):
And you can also see our story on CBN Network.
Speaker 4 (39:23):
But we do a interview.
Speaker 3 (39:26):
We're an interview.
Speaker 6 (39:27):
You do a presentation where you can see the jail
situation and you can also see me throwing clothes out.
Speaker 3 (39:33):
I mean, it wasn't a better Roses.
Speaker 6 (39:35):
Listen. We went through so we out on the other side.
There is no marriage is perfect. We're not perfect, but
we can learn from the mistakes that we made. We
never knew that this was going to be a ministry.
We were just trying to survive. We will tell okay,
and we thank God for it because at birth a
(39:55):
book and a ministry, and that's the thing. We can't
quit in the in the hard part, some of us do. Yep,
I'm gonna let you finish up because the last word,
but I do want order you to be able to
ask questions, and ask you questions now before we go okay.
Speaker 2 (40:15):
So I want to say thank you guys for being
so transparent. This is the keeping the Real show with
doctor Linda Chen and this transparency has been just eye opening.
Speaker 3 (40:23):
So thank you for that.
Speaker 2 (40:23):
Because a lot of people won't share their story, they
will try to hide the whole thing, So thank you
for that. First of all, Pastor James, my my grandfather
name is James Richardson.
Speaker 3 (40:32):
You're not from all Bennie, are you?
Speaker 4 (40:34):
Oh? Which is.
Speaker 2 (40:38):
Oh no, no, uh pastor traffina. I you know, I
was that girl like you, right. I didn't think about marriage.
That wasn't something I thought about because I didn't come
from like a healthy two family parent mam right. And
when my husband met me, I was like, bro, I'm
not marriage material. I'm gonna tell you right now. I
don't like to do the laundry, I don't like I
(41:00):
hate grocery shopping. You know, because I saw my mother,
she was a great wife. And I saw my dad
who took care of us financially, but he had women
rolling like the river baby, and I was like, I'm
not doing that. So when you see women who are
broken like that, and they may be missing out on
a good thing because they are broken like that, what
do you say to them?
Speaker 6 (41:21):
When I see women that are broken and they they
may miss their good thing, I say, pay attention, because you.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
May miss your good thing.
Speaker 6 (41:30):
And a lot of times they do and they think
back and they regret that they didn't make a change,
you know. And I applaud you for go ahead and
getting married, and you.
Speaker 3 (41:39):
Let him know beforehand.
Speaker 6 (41:41):
These are this is what you're getting, and that's so important.
But when a woman is when a woman is broken
and she misses her good thing, she has regrets because
we know when we missed a good thing, when you
had something bad, That's how I knew something was good
for me, my husband for me, I had something bad
and I was done with the bad, so I needed
(42:01):
something that was good for me. And so I recognized good.
Speaker 3 (42:06):
When you see good.
Speaker 6 (42:07):
So for those women they might miss out, they may
miss out. And the ones that are looking or gleaning,
sometimes women are looking at the wrong things. They're looking
at them. Oh he don't dress this way, he don't
look You're going to miss out because those little things
can be changed. Those little things can be changed if
we work together. You told your husband up front, so
I'm sure he worked with you on those issues, you know.
Speaker 3 (42:30):
And I'm better now. I'm better now after twenty two years.
But I was rough. I was rough back then.
Speaker 2 (42:35):
And one last question for you, because this is a
biggie and I hit this a lot. So I had
two women come to me. Both of them are married,
both of them in very very The managers like pretty
much bottom out. It's about to be done, and they
wanted me to create an act for them called the
Lonely Wife Wow, And I built the entire app for them,
and after I built it, they kind of backpelled. So
(42:57):
I don't know if I want to put my business
out there like that. But one of them have gone
on to just say I'm out. The other one is like,
I don't like my husband. I just really don't like him.
So when they are on the edge like that and
they have pretty much given up because it feels hopeless,
you know, what.
Speaker 3 (43:11):
Can they do?
Speaker 6 (43:12):
Can they can?
Speaker 3 (43:12):
They can they reload the marriage at that point, you know?
Speaker 2 (43:15):
And I know one of them really really did try.
I think my husband had already checked out. So she's
just like, you know what, whatever, we're gonna be roommates.
The other one is still hanging on, but she's like,
I don't like them.
Speaker 6 (43:24):
Yeah, if they're not willing to go to counseling, counseling
is part of the big thing because we try.
Speaker 3 (43:30):
To fix things.
Speaker 6 (43:31):
Every doctor needs a doctor, the lawyer needs a lawyer.
Every coach you need a coach. Yeah, we understand if
every person needs somebody, and when you're not willing to
go and get some help because that was me.
Speaker 3 (43:43):
I was ashamed. I knew I was a bad girl.
Speaker 6 (43:46):
I knew I didn't want nobody to know and get
what everybody knows now because I had to go through
so many challenges and God said, you're gonna put this
in a book. You gonna die to yourself. But you
can prevent a whole lot of things if you sit
down and just talk to somebody, get a counselor. It's
some prayer back in the marriage when respect is gone.
We had that gone out of our marriage. God reloaded us.
(44:08):
It is very difficult without a mediator, a counselor.
Speaker 3 (44:12):
To get this back.
Speaker 6 (44:14):
And so my advice to would be on the last leg,
go ahead and get some counseling, and then they have
to do the work because counseling is not enough. Now
you got to put forth the effort. The most frustrating
thing with counselors and they will dismiss you, is because
if you don't do the work, if you go in
there and you sit down. I'm a coach, but I
(44:35):
give homework and they don't do it. I don't see
them anymore because you're not going to waste my time.
It's not about the money. For me, it's about the results.
I care about your marriage and I can't care more
than you, so that would be.
Speaker 3 (44:48):
The answer for me. Yeah, that's the jen. Do you
want to give the last word before we tell?
Speaker 5 (44:54):
I mean, yeah, I think it's it's all things are
possible in this thing, but we have have to get help,
and it has to.
Speaker 4 (45:02):
Be both people willing to put the work in.
Speaker 5 (45:05):
You know. It's like God will throw the life wrap
out there for you to take a wrap or to
get on, but are you gonna do it? Are you
going to allow you? And so I think so many
times what happens is is like people are suffering in silence.
That's something we've done a whole podcast on that suffering
is so a lot of marriages are suffering in silence
(45:26):
because we don't want anybody to know what's going on.
If you're gonna save your marriage, you have to forget
about you know. Oh a lot of times I'm gonna
tell you what happened. When we go places and share
the real raw stuff that happened in our marriage, people say,
how can y'all share?
Speaker 4 (45:41):
Y'all business like that that's all the time, Like, what
are you saying?
Speaker 5 (45:46):
What are you saying. Look, God, we're over We've overcome. Yeah,
this stuff is going on in households, Yeah.
Speaker 6 (45:55):
Every day, even in people who go to church, who
lead churches.
Speaker 3 (45:59):
We are people. Well, will you come back on and
do and don't we'll talk about it. The suffering in silence.
Speaker 6 (46:06):
Sure, yes, oh yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (46:08):
That's favor.
Speaker 6 (46:10):
And I'm sorry. I know you said he was the
last words. But the lonely wife, that's that's not uncommon.
The lonely spouse is not uncommon. So we hopefully we
can talk about that too at another time, because there
are so many dynamics that go into the loneliness.
Speaker 3 (46:26):
Of a spouse. Yeah, you just can't hit it.
Speaker 2 (46:31):
Yeah, they came to me, they were all ready for it.
I did it for him, but right when it got
completely finished and it was ready to launch on the
app store, they kind.
Speaker 3 (46:38):
Of was like nah, and it was.
Speaker 2 (46:40):
And for one of them, she was a pastor, so
she didn't want people to know her business, so she
she back. The other one was like, well, we were
going to do it together, so they didn't do it.
But you know, that is a big thing, and I
see that a lot, and I talk to a lot
of women and they all say the same thing. And
I said to my husband the other day, say it,
I still like you. He started laughing. He said thank god. Yeah,
(47:06):
he said, thank god, I still like you, which was funny.
But this was great, doctor ten, and I'm glad you're
gonna bring them back because I thought this was great.
I really do love your transparency and I can't wait to.
Speaker 3 (47:16):
Buy the book.
Speaker 2 (47:17):
I don't I don't buy a lot of books that's
not business books, but I'm gonna buy that book, that
one because I feel like it can help somebody. I'm
gonna share with a couple of people too, so.
Speaker 3 (47:25):
They do that.
Speaker 6 (47:26):
Thank you, Richardson. I'm just gonna leave it there fast.
James and Traffina, thank you so much for coming on.
And I promise you or this, they're gonna come back
and talk to us about both those topics as long
as they're willing. And just remember this, they tell their
story because God gets the glory and he heals people
through that.
Speaker 3 (47:51):
Very welcome.
Speaker 2 (47:52):
If you guys enjoyed this episode, be sure to scan
the QR colde up in the upper left hand corner
and now load the app to your phone so you
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And go to doctor Ten's website Lindachandministries dot com for
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(48:14):
y'all like this, so if you don't subscribe.
Speaker 3 (48:17):
You might miss it. But don't do that. Subscribe.
Speaker 2 (48:19):
We'll be back again in two weeks, same time, same place.
Thank you guys so much. Have a wonderful day until
next time.
Speaker 6 (48:24):
Everybody, thank it a great day by now, bye bye.
Speaker 1 (48:29):
You've been listening to Keeping It Real with Doctor Linda Chen.
If you enjoyed this episode, hit the like part and
insure it with a friend. Be sure to support the
show by going to Lindachinministries dot com. Subscribe to the
show so you never missed an episode, and tune.
Speaker 3 (48:43):
In again in two weeks at two pm
Speaker 1 (48:45):
Eastern Santize until next time, Keep your faith and keep
it Real.
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