Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:13):
Hey, y'all, Hey y'all,Hey y'all, how y'all doing you good?
You? Hey today, I hada slappy jewel for breakfast and you
welcome back to the Life of Flecksand it's your homegirl, your besty for
the resty big legs, like,how are you really doing me? Not
so lot? Like, let metell y'all, I really wanted to take
(00:34):
a hiatus from doing this podcast becauseI was feeling like it wasn't getting me
anywhere. I was just wasting mytime talking to myself because I'm not aware
that people listen. I'm not awarethat people liked the podcast. People always
telling me what I should do differentwith my podcast. I don't have any
visuals yet. Like I tried thatit wasn't really working out for me,
(00:58):
and then I'm don't have my kid. I'm anymore self conscious about the way
I look like all the things.I have a million excuses for everything.
That's just me though, But yeah, like I wanted to take a hiatus.
I just feel like it wasn't workingfor me. I was putting all
my effort into this for it tonot work out for me, and it
(01:18):
was just weighing me down right,because everything else that I was putting my
effort into wasn't working out for meeither, And so the one thing that
I reserved for myself to help myselffeel better wasn't working out for me either.
It was just like a double WHEMMISo I just wanted to take a
break, recollect figure out what Iwant to do, but I couldn't do
(01:44):
that. Like what else am Igonna do if I put all my eggs
into this basket of the life offlex I need to be getting ready to
you know, make some momlets soon, anyho. I just I've been feeling
a little down about life and aboutmyself, and it reminds me of how
(02:04):
it was last year. And lastyear, I was a miss every day.
I was crying every day. Lifewas weighed me down every day,
Like I didn't know what was goingon. Like I knew I was depressed,
but I didn't know how depressed.I knew I was anxious, but
I didn't know how anxious because Inever really left the house to you know,
(02:25):
exercise my anxiety because I was tooanxious to leave the house, too
anxious to be in the house.I was just I don't know, I
was a mess, I must admit, But it also reminded me of the
way I got through it or whatkept me pushing through some of the tough
(02:46):
like, because that was a toughtime in my life. I'm not gonna
hold you, but I had togo realize, like what was keeping me
here? What was keeping me motivated? Right? And I must admit I
was motivated because I thought that Ibelieved that God had better for me,
and I wanted to see what thatwas. I was like, let me
(03:08):
see, it's better than this,right, But God's better and my better
are two different betters, I mustsay. And so I was being on
the Lulu just wishing and hoping andpraying that opportunities fall out of the sky
for me, and that may ormay not happen, you know, But
(03:30):
it was just the fact that Iwanted something, right, I wanted something.
Then I know how I was gonnaget to it if it was gonna
work out for me, But Iwasn't gonna stop. And y'all wanna know
what I wanted. I wanted tobeat Cheese's background singer. And I'm like,
that girl don't know me. I'mpretty sure she has background singers,
(03:51):
but that didn't stop me from learningall of jeeus his songs, like I
learned her repertoire okay from I WannaSay March through through June of last year,
I listened to nothing but Cheeky's andJenny on a shuffle, like I
had them in a playlist and Ihad to play list on shuffle and that's
what I listened to. And itreally like showed me that one I like
(04:16):
their music and two I don't evenknow. I don't even know the second,
but the first one, I wasjust like, well, I like
their music, they're good artists.But as time went on and I actually
just stopped wanting to be Cheekish's backgroundsinger. I was just like, well,
maybe that's not what's you know,in my life's playing and God's playing
(04:40):
for me, so let me justtake that off the table. And I
just was thinking that, you know, maybe maybe I could be a singer,
maybe not. And I didn't reallyexercise that want or made like I
wasn't trying to be a singer.I was just singing for fun. But
when I I started back doing thepodcast thing, like, I felt a
(05:02):
little bit better about myself, realizingthat I don't have to be a singer.
But I am a podcaster, okay, and I'm gonna do this right.
And the way I have the showset up is about me talking about
myself my life because it's called theLife of Lex and I'm Lex, you
(05:24):
know. But yeah, I didn'treally change the setup. I mainly changed
how I had talked about myself andhow I saw myself. And I was
seeing improvements, right, I wasseeing results. I was able to tell
people I have a podcasts and actuallywant them to listen to it. And
(05:45):
you know, that gave me alittle bit of joy, right, And
so I was like, well,maybe podcasting is my calling. But as
I keep doing it, keep doingit, keep doing it, I'm like,
well, all these other podcasters,they're usually famous before they start podcasting,
but me, I'm not famous.I'm not even hood famous, right,
(06:08):
Like I have like two hundred followerson Instagram, and that's because my
first instagrams got hacked and I didn'tadd everybody back for my first Instagram,
so they didn't give everybody opportunity tofollow me back. But AnyWho, I'm
not somebody with a lot of followers. I'm not somebody with fans I'm just
(06:30):
a girl, like a regular person, and I'm going through regular people thinks
while also simultaneously in my head thinkingthat I meant for something bigger than what
I'm doing. Right, But it'sall about the stepping stones, right.
But when I started this podcast,I was just bored, And I remember
(06:57):
I was so nervous my first episode, like I had everything planned out,
and I think I got discourged andI just started just having a topic talking
about that topic. But who wantsto just hear me talk about things and
not even know who I am?So I started telling my own story and
realizing that that was actually helping me, and it made for great content for
(07:21):
me to just tell my story becauseI also people that know about me if
they don't know about me. Soit's just snowballed from there, me talking
about myself, me getting my feelingsout. But I just don't know what's
next for me, right because Ihave trust that you know, God is
(07:41):
gonna make a way out of noway, but I don't know what way
that's gonna be. Which way arewe going? We want to left to
the right, up, down?Like I don't know. And the more
that I try to do what's youknow deemed necessary for my podcast? Like
I've made the Instagram, the TikTokto YouTube right, the Patreon, the
(08:07):
Twitter, the Facebook, all right, I have the link well, not
the linked in, but the linktree, you know. I have the
podcast on all the platforms I postwhenever I drop an episode and promote it.
And I noticed that the days Ipromote the podcast are the days where
(08:28):
I get the least listens, Likeit's as if people just don't want to
listen to it then, which isodd to me because if I'm giving you,
you know, the keys to thestreets, why aren't you on them?
Why aren't you for the street?But I can't control anybody else.
(08:48):
All I can control is myself,and feeling as if I'm not doing enough,
or I'm not good enough, I'mnot interesting enough isn't helping me.
But it also isn't motivating me tokeep doing the podcast. So I don't
know how long I'm gonna be doingthe podcast for. Even though it's the
(09:09):
life of Lex, meaning that it'sa lifetime thing, I just don't know
if my heart's in it anymore,if like it's gonna bring me joy to
just keep talking to myself and nobodycares because people ask me all the time,
like, well, what are youup to? Listen to the podcast,
(09:30):
like it's literally me talking about myself. I'm gonna tell you what I'm
going through. Don't ask, Like, don't ask me because if you're asking
me, I've already talked about inthe podcast. I mean, now I'm
gonna give you a generic answer bythen. That's how my thought process goes,
because once I say something aloud,once I start paraphrasing, and that's
(09:52):
just how I am. Also,one thing I've noticed about myself recently is
that I grew up and lift mywhole thinking that something is wrong with me,
like I'm not smart enough, coolenough, like I'm not this or
that. And I've always saw myselfas you know, that weird kid in
(10:13):
the corner that nobody talks to,nobody likes, and for a while I
was. And I had to growout of that. I had to grow
out of thinking that people's opinions ofme matter. I had to grow out
of thinking that if somebody has topick on me, then it's because somebody's
picking on them, right, Butmentally it still affects me. I'm still
(10:35):
a human, but also I ampicking on myself, so when other people
pick on me, it's more likeconfirmation, re affirming the thoughts I had
about myself in my head. AndI know that I can control what I
think about myself, but it's justlike, if I don't feel worthy or
(10:56):
like I'm worth something, then whatam I supposed to do? And so
I don't know where I should gowith that. I don't know how that
is going to affect me going forward, because I don't want to keep feeling
like that. I like feeling likeI have value, I have worth,
like I'm going to be missed.I'm not easily replaceable. I'm actually irreplaceable,
(11:24):
but I don't feel that, likeI feel like if an opportunity was
handed to me, that somebody elsedeserves it more than me because for X,
Y and Z reasons, And Idon't know how to get out of
that. I just know that Ihave to get out of that, and
it just reminds me of like lastyear this time I kind of felt the
(11:48):
same, but me and God wehad an understanding and we were close.
I was getting close, but nowI feel like we're not as close,
and so I guess my next goalis to get that close with God and
figure out what he wants for meand what path he has for me,
or if I'm even walking on theright path instead of just standing in the
(12:09):
path looking around thinking maybe I shouldgo back, because going back is not
an answer, y'all, Like quittingthat option is, you know, I'm
gonna say it's on the table.It's very much an option, but going
back it's not an option. Sodon't want to give up and quit.
So I need to figure out howto keep going forward. So until then,
(12:33):
y'all may hear from me, y'allmay not, who knows, but
thank y'all for whoever think, whoeverdoes listen to me, like I really
appreciate you listening to me, andyou know, follow the socials, follow
the twitters and everything, because thepodcast has its own things like Life Alex
(12:54):
Podcast on Twitter and the Facebook,you name it. I'm there, Okay,
Patreon, all the blazes. Butif nobody goes there to look for
me, then it's just me wastingmy time. I just have these pages
for all of this beautiful content andnobody to watch it. So until next
time, love piece and chit' greasey'all, and don't go fucking up nobody's
(13:18):
there cause I said so, Aye,
Hey, y'all, Hey y'all,Hey y'all, how y'all doing you good?
You? Hey today, I hada slappy jewel for breakfast and you
welcome back to the Life of Flecksand it's your homegirl, your besty for
the resty big legs, like,how are you really doing me? Not
so lot? Like, let metell y'all, I really wanted to take
(00:34):
a hiatus from doing this podcast becauseI was feeling like it wasn't getting me
anywhere. I was just wasting mytime talking to myself because I'm not aware
that people listen. I'm not awarethat people liked the podcast. People always
telling me what I should do differentwith my podcast. I don't have any
visuals yet. Like I tried thatit wasn't really working out for me,
(00:58):
and then I'm don't have my kid. I'm anymore self conscious about the way
I look like all the things.I have a million excuses for everything.
That's just me though, But yeah, like I wanted to take a hiatus.
I just feel like it wasn't workingfor me. I was putting all
my effort into this for it tonot work out for me, and it
(01:18):
was just weighing me down right,because everything else that I was putting my
effort into wasn't working out for meeither, And so the one thing that
I reserved for myself to help myselffeel better wasn't working out for me either.
It was just like a double WHEMMISo I just wanted to take a
break, recollect figure out what Iwant to do, but I couldn't do
(01:44):
that. Like what else am Igonna do if I put all my eggs
into this basket of the life offlex I need to be getting ready to
you know, make some momlets soon, anyho. I just I've been feeling
a little down about life and aboutmyself, and it reminds me of how
(02:04):
it was last year. And lastyear, I was a miss every day.
I was crying every day. Lifewas weighed me down every day,
Like I didn't know what was goingon. Like I knew I was depressed,
but I didn't know how depressed.I knew I was anxious, but
I didn't know how anxious because Inever really left the house to you know,
(02:25):
exercise my anxiety because I was tooanxious to leave the house, too
anxious to be in the house.I was just I don't know, I
was a mess, I must admit, But it also reminded me of the
way I got through it or whatkept me pushing through some of the tough
(02:46):
like, because that was a toughtime in my life. I'm not gonna
hold you, but I had togo realize, like what was keeping me
here? What was keeping me motivated? Right? And I must admit I
was motivated because I thought that Ibelieved that God had better for me,
and I wanted to see what thatwas. I was like, let me
(03:08):
see, it's better than this,right, But God's better and my better
are two different betters, I mustsay. And so I was being on
the Lulu just wishing and hoping andpraying that opportunities fall out of the sky
for me, and that may ormay not happen, you know, But
(03:30):
it was just the fact that Iwanted something, right, I wanted something.
Then I know how I was gonnaget to it if it was gonna
work out for me, But Iwasn't gonna stop. And y'all wanna know
what I wanted. I wanted tobeat Cheese's background singer. And I'm like,
that girl don't know me. I'mpretty sure she has background singers,
(03:51):
but that didn't stop me from learningall of jeeus his songs, like I
learned her repertoire okay from I WannaSay March through through June of last year,
I listened to nothing but Cheeky's andJenny on a shuffle, like I
had them in a playlist and Ihad to play list on shuffle and that's
what I listened to. And itreally like showed me that one I like
(04:16):
their music and two I don't evenknow. I don't even know the second,
but the first one, I wasjust like, well, I like
their music, they're good artists.But as time went on and I actually
just stopped wanting to be Cheekish's backgroundsinger. I was just like, well,
maybe that's not what's you know,in my life's playing and God's playing
(04:40):
for me, so let me justtake that off the table. And I
just was thinking that, you know, maybe maybe I could be a singer,
maybe not. And I didn't reallyexercise that want or made like I
wasn't trying to be a singer.I was just singing for fun. But
when I I started back doing thepodcast thing, like, I felt a
(05:02):
little bit better about myself, realizingthat I don't have to be a singer.
But I am a podcaster, okay, and I'm gonna do this right.
And the way I have the showset up is about me talking about
myself my life because it's called theLife of Lex and I'm Lex, you
(05:24):
know. But yeah, I didn'treally change the setup. I mainly changed
how I had talked about myself andhow I saw myself. And I was
seeing improvements, right, I wasseeing results. I was able to tell
people I have a podcasts and actuallywant them to listen to it. And
(05:45):
you know, that gave me alittle bit of joy, right, And
so I was like, well,maybe podcasting is my calling. But as
I keep doing it, keep doingit, keep doing it, I'm like,
well, all these other podcasters,they're usually famous before they start podcasting,
but me, I'm not famous.I'm not even hood famous, right,
(06:08):
Like I have like two hundred followerson Instagram, and that's because my
first instagrams got hacked and I didn'tadd everybody back for my first Instagram,
so they didn't give everybody opportunity tofollow me back. But AnyWho, I'm
not somebody with a lot of followers. I'm not somebody with fans I'm just
(06:30):
a girl, like a regular person, and I'm going through regular people thinks
while also simultaneously in my head thinkingthat I meant for something bigger than what
I'm doing. Right, But it'sall about the stepping stones, right.
But when I started this podcast,I was just bored, And I remember
(06:57):
I was so nervous my first episode, like I had everything planned out,
and I think I got discourged andI just started just having a topic talking
about that topic. But who wantsto just hear me talk about things and
not even know who I am?So I started telling my own story and
realizing that that was actually helping me, and it made for great content for
(07:21):
me to just tell my story becauseI also people that know about me if
they don't know about me. Soit's just snowballed from there, me talking
about myself, me getting my feelingsout. But I just don't know what's
next for me, right because Ihave trust that you know, God is
(07:41):
gonna make a way out of noway, but I don't know what way
that's gonna be. Which way arewe going? We want to left to
the right, up, down?Like I don't know. And the more
that I try to do what's youknow deemed necessary for my podcast? Like
I've made the Instagram, the TikTokto YouTube right, the Patreon, the
(08:07):
Twitter, the Facebook, all right, I have the link well, not
the linked in, but the linktree, you know. I have the
podcast on all the platforms I postwhenever I drop an episode and promote it.
And I noticed that the days Ipromote the podcast are the days where
(08:28):
I get the least listens, Likeit's as if people just don't want to
listen to it then, which isodd to me because if I'm giving you,
you know, the keys to thestreets, why aren't you on them?
Why aren't you for the street?But I can't control anybody else.
(08:48):
All I can control is myself,and feeling as if I'm not doing enough,
or I'm not good enough, I'mnot interesting enough isn't helping me.
But it also isn't motivating me tokeep doing the podcast. So I don't
know how long I'm gonna be doingthe podcast for. Even though it's the
(09:09):
life of Lex, meaning that it'sa lifetime thing, I just don't know
if my heart's in it anymore,if like it's gonna bring me joy to
just keep talking to myself and nobodycares because people ask me all the time,
like, well, what are youup to? Listen to the podcast,
(09:30):
like it's literally me talking about myself. I'm gonna tell you what I'm
going through. Don't ask, Like, don't ask me because if you're asking
me, I've already talked about inthe podcast. I mean, now I'm
gonna give you a generic answer bythen. That's how my thought process goes,
because once I say something aloud,once I start paraphrasing, and that's
(09:52):
just how I am. Also,one thing I've noticed about myself recently is
that I grew up and lift mywhole thinking that something is wrong with me,
like I'm not smart enough, coolenough, like I'm not this or
that. And I've always saw myselfas you know, that weird kid in
(10:13):
the corner that nobody talks to,nobody likes, and for a while I
was. And I had to growout of that. I had to grow
out of thinking that people's opinions ofme matter. I had to grow out
of thinking that if somebody has topick on me, then it's because somebody's
picking on them, right, Butmentally it still affects me. I'm still
(10:35):
a human, but also I ampicking on myself, so when other people
pick on me, it's more likeconfirmation, re affirming the thoughts I had
about myself in my head. AndI know that I can control what I
think about myself, but it's justlike, if I don't feel worthy or
(10:56):
like I'm worth something, then whatam I supposed to do? And so
I don't know where I should gowith that. I don't know how that
is going to affect me going forward, because I don't want to keep feeling
like that. I like feeling likeI have value, I have worth,
like I'm going to be missed.I'm not easily replaceable. I'm actually irreplaceable,
(11:24):
but I don't feel that, likeI feel like if an opportunity was
handed to me, that somebody elsedeserves it more than me because for X,
Y and Z reasons, And Idon't know how to get out of
that. I just know that Ihave to get out of that, and
it just reminds me of like lastyear this time I kind of felt the
(11:48):
same, but me and God wehad an understanding and we were close.
I was getting close, but nowI feel like we're not as close,
and so I guess my next goalis to get that close with God and
figure out what he wants for meand what path he has for me,
or if I'm even walking on theright path instead of just standing in the
(12:09):
path looking around thinking maybe I shouldgo back, because going back is not
an answer, y'all, Like quittingthat option is, you know, I'm
gonna say it's on the table.It's very much an option, but going
back it's not an option. Sodon't want to give up and quit.
So I need to figure out howto keep going forward. So until then,
(12:33):
y'all may hear from me, y'allmay not, who knows, but
thank y'all for whoever think, whoeverdoes listen to me, like I really
appreciate you listening to me, andyou know, follow the socials, follow
the twitters and everything, because thepodcast has its own things like Life Alex
(12:54):
Podcast on Twitter and the Facebook,you name it. I'm there, Okay,
Patreon, all the blazes. Butif nobody goes there to look for
me, then it's just me wastingmy time. I just have these pages
for all of this beautiful content andnobody to watch it. So until next
time, love piece and chit' greasey'all, and don't go fucking up nobody's
(13:18):
there cause I said so, Aye,
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