Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:12):
Hey, y'all, Hey, y'all, Hey, y'all, how y'all doing,
y'all? Good? Y'all ate today? Good? Ain't God good?
Like every time I think i'm'a behungry, he provides. But yeah,
welcome back to the life of Flixand this shit home girl, your besty
forel Risty right, it's big Licks, y'all. I'm thinking about changing my
(00:34):
name because whenever I tell people,you know, big Licks, they're like
my big Licks. But you know, Lis is my name, like that's
what my family calls me. Butanyhow, how y'all been, I have
been good. I have been reallygood. So y'all, I wanted to
talk to y'all cause I had aconversation with my therapist yesterday and it was
(00:59):
really good conversation. And so whatI had to tell her was that,
you know, I had to dosome deep soul searching and go back to
a point in my life where Ifeel like I lost myself, Like everything
changed for me, and I justas much as I wanted to go back,
I couldn't go back and I didn'tknow how to go forward, right,
(01:23):
And so the part of me thatI remembered when I first started this
podcast, right, is different fromwho I am now. So when I
had the miscarriage, right, like, I was going through things before that
that I didn't know how to dealwith, and I just made choices that
(01:47):
were the best. So I saythe least my therapist that it was wild
and brave. But yeah, likeI was already in a pretty toxic relationship
and so for me to plan ababy and then it worked out kind of
successful, kind of successful, kindof not you know, it threw me
(02:08):
off my rocker a little bit.I ain't gonna hold you. I didn't
know what to do. I waslike, well, that blew up in
my face, right, and Iwanted to pretend like it didn't happen,
you know, hide that part ofmyself. And that's something that it was
so minute and a very intimate partof my life that I hid it from,
(02:30):
you know, even my parents fora while, like it was just
between me and my partner at thetime, and then it just kept hurting
and hurting. So I had totell, you know, more people because
you're like, what's wrong with you? And like I don't like to talk
about it, and I feel likethat's something I should have moved on from
(02:51):
but that's kind of not how thatworks. It's very much so not how
that works. You know, likeI can't forget about it. I can't
just pick up move on with mylife. I just have to get to
know myself better to move forward,you know, like address where I'm at
and do better from that. Andso, you know, talking about that
(03:13):
with her really helped, because that'swhen I started seeing her because it was
just too much for me, andI was like, I need help with
whatever I got going on. AndI remember my college experience with therapy,
so I kept seeing all these adsabout better help, and I found out
that they had financial aid and soit was cheaper for me to get on
(03:36):
it, and it kind of workedout for me. And so then after
we were talking about that, shewas like, well, there's also this
part of you that had you madecan you know, not so great decisions
such as that, because like wesaid, that was wild and brave.
So there's a part of me beforethat me so I have to go back
(04:00):
deeper into why, like what createdthis pattern of making not so great decisions
in my life? And so nowI'm at a point in my life where
I'm not looking at things with anger, right, Like I can't be angry
about something you did then we're backin the day because it's not serving me
(04:21):
today. Or like if you pushme today, then we have a problem
today. Right, We're either gonnasquash you right here or don't bother me
about it tomorrow. It's not gonnado you any good. But what happened
in the past is in the past. Like I know better now, I
(04:41):
know how to make better decisions,but I was also at this place where,
you know, the things people didhurt, Like it's never fun to
need love and you're thinking you're gonnareceive it from your family and then you
receive the opposite, Like that doessomething to you, right, because I
(05:03):
remember, So my mom went tojail when I was sixteen, and I
went to go stay with for acousin. And while I was staying with
his cousin, you know, meand her daughter were getting in the fights.
So me and my cousin were gettingin the fights. Like there were
times where I didn't eat and peopleare having to send me money to buy
(05:25):
food, and I was getting foodstamps. My mom was getting food stamps
from me, and so they hadthe car, but they would buy food
and you know, not cook mefood. And I had to walk to
school because they told me that thebus wouldn't come pick me up because we
lived so close to the school.But my cousin's daughter didn't want to go
(05:47):
to school, so she didn't wantto get up to take me to school,
and so I wouldn't really want tokeep waking people up every day to
take me to school, so Iwould walk. And I guess along the
lines of in that time, Ijust gave up on what I wanted out
of life because at that point Ididn't know what to expect. Like I
(06:12):
just needed love, to be quitehonest. And now I'm old enough to
give myself that love. Like,you know, if nothing was my fault
in what happened with my mom,like I couldn't change that. And I
mean I was a child, andso I kind of never got over it,
(06:32):
kind of just pushed it to theside. I don't tell too many
people about that time in my lifebecause I don't know. It was just
sad, like very very sad.But now I can talk about it and
say, you know, I'm herenow, I'm not gonna let you do
the same things to me. I'mnot gonna you know, we're not gonna
(06:55):
keep repeating history, right, Ican leave a city situation that I don't
feel welcoming I hate, Like Ihave to just own up to the decisions
I make, like show up formyself. Because I told my therapists that
I have this coin flipping app,and I don't know she thought it I
was serious, But I've had thiscoin flipping app on my phone since like
(07:18):
high school, since around that timein my life because I didn't trust myself
making decisions after that. So Iwas just like, I'm gonna just let
a coin decide my fate. AndI let that happen for a large part
of my life, Like it's stillon my phone because I didn't think I
could actually flip a coin or ithad access to a coin at an't given
(07:39):
time, but I was just gonnahave my phone AnyWho. I just didn't
know how to trust myself making decisions, and so I gave up on like
my childhood dreams, Like when peopleasked me what I wanted to be when
I was a kid. That changed. And so at sixteen seventeen, people
are asking you, like, whatare you going to do if your life
(08:01):
after you graduate high school. AndI was like, well, go to
college, Like I'm guessing that's whatpeople do. And then the next question
is, well, what are yougoing to study? And at first I
wanted to do music education because Iwent to be a choir teacher and I
told my choir teacher that and shewas like, Oh, that's funny because
you don't know how to play thepiano. And so I did my senior
(08:22):
project that year on how to playthe piano. But other than that project,
I didn't really play the piano otherthan the show that I could play
like five notes. But I wasn'treally serious about music singing. But you
know, I wanted to go toschool. So when I went to one
of the schools that was like onmy list, and I went to like
(08:46):
their preview day and I went throughall the majors that they offered and how
long it's going to take, andI found that math education secondary math education
to be specific, was a degreethat they offered him four years instead of
six, so you could be ahigh school math teacher in four years.
And then I was like, wellif I do that, and then like
(09:09):
I can get the government to payfor me to go to school, and
so it worked out for me financially. But as I'm going to school to
be a high school math teacher,and I keep failing calcs too, over
and over and over again. Likeusually I'm pretty good at math math,
but it was just so difficult atthat time because I wasn't focused on school.
(09:31):
I didn't love math. I didn'thave a passion for math. I
could just pass class, like that'show I saw it. But at that
time, I could not pass theclass, and I was more focused on
you know, being young, dumb, you know the resk like I was
in college, living my best life. I had a car. I want
(09:54):
to say I was twenty one atthe time, or had just yeap had
just turned twenty one the last timeI took KALKSU and after I was over
it because all my roommates turned twentyone before I did. So we were
partying from Christmas to my birthday inFebruary. So after we just kept on
(10:18):
partying. The party just kept ongoing. But I don't know, I
just didn't know what to do withmy life. And like I said,
I didn't trust myself on making decisions. So when I made the decision,
to change my major, and Iget into it and I'm like, this
isn't what I really want to dowhen I could have just done what I
really wanted to do in that moment. Does that make sense? So now,
(10:41):
moving forward, I just have tolearn from my mistakes, not be
vengeful and hateful and hold resentment towardsother people for mistakes that they may have
made. Right because we're all owedthe opportunity to learn from our mistakes,
(11:01):
and I have to grant them thatgrace to learn from their mistakes because I
would hope that they do the samefor me. I'd hope that all the
people that I've wronged in life,because I'm not perfect. You're not perfect.
Nobody's perfect, okay, So I'dhope that they give me that same
grace, that same respect to learnfrom my mistakes and show that I've been
(11:22):
a changed person. And that's whereI'm at. I don't know where life
is gonna go, but I'm justthankful for all of the lessons because they're
great lessons and it gives me theopportunity to grow at my own unique pace,
my own unique speed, and bemore authentic to me because I can't
(11:46):
run away from me, I'm gonnago with me, And strangely, like
that time in my life my momwas going to jail, like I wanted
to run away from my life,from my problems and not understand you know
what could have could have shot thewaters. I just wanted to run away.
(12:09):
And then I just repeated that patternup until now. But I might
just run away and join the circus. Who knows. Anyhow, I'm gonna
get out y'alls here. I justwanted to come tell y'all that love y'all,
we're gonna give people. We're gonnagive people grace, okay, but
whatever you do, don't go fuckingout. Nobody's say okay, thanks love
(12:31):
piece and chicken grease bye,
Hey, y'all, Hey, y'all, Hey, y'all, how y'all doing,
y'all? Good? Y'all ate today? Good? Ain't God good?
Like every time I think i'm'a behungry, he provides. But yeah,
welcome back to the life of Flixand this shit home girl, your besty
forel Risty right, it's big Licks, y'all. I'm thinking about changing my
(00:34):
name because whenever I tell people,you know, big Licks, they're like
my big Licks. But you know, Lis is my name, like that's
what my family calls me. Butanyhow, how y'all been, I have
been good. I have been reallygood. So y'all, I wanted to
talk to y'all cause I had aconversation with my therapist yesterday and it was
(00:59):
really good conversation. And so whatI had to tell her was that,
you know, I had to dosome deep soul searching and go back to
a point in my life where Ifeel like I lost myself, Like everything
changed for me, and I justas much as I wanted to go back,
I couldn't go back and I didn'tknow how to go forward, right,
(01:23):
And so the part of me thatI remembered when I first started this
podcast, right, is different fromwho I am now. So when I
had the miscarriage, right, like, I was going through things before that
that I didn't know how to dealwith, and I just made choices that
(01:47):
were the best. So I saythe least my therapist that it was wild
and brave. But yeah, likeI was already in a pretty toxic relationship
and so for me to plan ababy and then it worked out kind of
successful, kind of successful, kindof not you know, it threw me
(02:08):
off my rocker a little bit.I ain't gonna hold you. I didn't
know what to do. I waslike, well, that blew up in
my face, right, and Iwanted to pretend like it didn't happen,
you know, hide that part ofmyself. And that's something that it was
so minute and a very intimate partof my life that I hid it from,
(02:30):
you know, even my parents fora while, like it was just
between me and my partner at thetime, and then it just kept hurting
and hurting. So I had totell, you know, more people because
you're like, what's wrong with you? And like I don't like to talk
about it, and I feel likethat's something I should have moved on from
(02:51):
but that's kind of not how thatworks. It's very much so not how
that works. You know, likeI can't forget about it. I can't
just pick up move on with mylife. I just have to get to
know myself better to move forward,you know, like address where I'm at
and do better from that. Andso, you know, talking about that
(03:13):
with her really helped, because that'swhen I started seeing her because it was
just too much for me, andI was like, I need help with
whatever I got going on. AndI remember my college experience with therapy,
so I kept seeing all these adsabout better help, and I found out
that they had financial aid and soit was cheaper for me to get on
(03:36):
it, and it kind of workedout for me. And so then after
we were talking about that, shewas like, well, there's also this
part of you that had you madecan you know, not so great decisions
such as that, because like wesaid, that was wild and brave.
So there's a part of me beforethat me so I have to go back
(04:00):
deeper into why, like what createdthis pattern of making not so great decisions
in my life? And so nowI'm at a point in my life where
I'm not looking at things with anger, right, Like I can't be angry
about something you did then we're backin the day because it's not serving me
(04:21):
today. Or like if you pushme today, then we have a problem
today. Right, We're either gonnasquash you right here or don't bother me
about it tomorrow. It's not gonnado you any good. But what happened
in the past is in the past. Like I know better now, I
(04:41):
know how to make better decisions,but I was also at this place where,
you know, the things people didhurt, Like it's never fun to
need love and you're thinking you're gonnareceive it from your family and then you
receive the opposite, Like that doessomething to you, right, because I
(05:03):
remember, So my mom went tojail when I was sixteen, and I
went to go stay with for acousin. And while I was staying with
his cousin, you know, meand her daughter were getting in the fights.
So me and my cousin were gettingin the fights. Like there were
times where I didn't eat and peopleare having to send me money to buy
(05:25):
food, and I was getting foodstamps. My mom was getting food stamps
from me, and so they hadthe car, but they would buy food
and you know, not cook mefood. And I had to walk to
school because they told me that thebus wouldn't come pick me up because we
lived so close to the school.But my cousin's daughter didn't want to go
(05:47):
to school, so she didn't wantto get up to take me to school,
and so I wouldn't really want tokeep waking people up every day to
take me to school, so Iwould walk. And I guess along the
lines of in that time, Ijust gave up on what I wanted out
of life because at that point Ididn't know what to expect. Like I
(06:12):
just needed love, to be quitehonest. And now I'm old enough to
give myself that love. Like,you know, if nothing was my fault
in what happened with my mom,like I couldn't change that. And I
mean I was a child, andso I kind of never got over it,
(06:32):
kind of just pushed it to theside. I don't tell too many
people about that time in my lifebecause I don't know. It was just
sad, like very very sad.But now I can talk about it and
say, you know, I'm herenow, I'm not gonna let you do
the same things to me. I'mnot gonna you know, we're not gonna
(06:55):
keep repeating history, right, Ican leave a city situation that I don't
feel welcoming I hate, Like Ihave to just own up to the decisions
I make, like show up formyself. Because I told my therapists that
I have this coin flipping app,and I don't know she thought it I
was serious, But I've had thiscoin flipping app on my phone since like
(07:18):
high school, since around that timein my life because I didn't trust myself
making decisions after that. So Iwas just like, I'm gonna just let
a coin decide my fate. AndI let that happen for a large part
of my life, Like it's stillon my phone because I didn't think I
could actually flip a coin or ithad access to a coin at an't given
(07:39):
time, but I was just gonnahave my phone AnyWho. I just didn't
know how to trust myself making decisions, and so I gave up on like
my childhood dreams, Like when peopleasked me what I wanted to be when
I was a kid. That changed. And so at sixteen seventeen, people
are asking you, like, whatare you going to do if your life
(08:01):
after you graduate high school. AndI was like, well, go to
college, Like I'm guessing that's whatpeople do. And then the next question
is, well, what are yougoing to study? And at first I
wanted to do music education because Iwent to be a choir teacher and I
told my choir teacher that and shewas like, Oh, that's funny because
you don't know how to play thepiano. And so I did my senior
(08:22):
project that year on how to playthe piano. But other than that project,
I didn't really play the piano otherthan the show that I could play
like five notes. But I wasn'treally serious about music singing. But you
know, I wanted to go toschool. So when I went to one
of the schools that was like onmy list, and I went to like
(08:46):
their preview day and I went throughall the majors that they offered and how
long it's going to take, andI found that math education secondary math education
to be specific, was a degreethat they offered him four years instead of
six, so you could be ahigh school math teacher in four years.
And then I was like, wellif I do that, and then like
(09:09):
I can get the government to payfor me to go to school, and
so it worked out for me financially. But as I'm going to school to
be a high school math teacher,and I keep failing calcs too, over
and over and over again. Likeusually I'm pretty good at math math,
but it was just so difficult atthat time because I wasn't focused on school.
(09:31):
I didn't love math. I didn'thave a passion for math. I
could just pass class, like that'show I saw it. But at that
time, I could not pass theclass, and I was more focused on
you know, being young, dumb, you know the resk like I was
in college, living my best life. I had a car. I want
(09:54):
to say I was twenty one atthe time, or had just yeap had
just turned twenty one the last timeI took KALKSU and after I was over
it because all my roommates turned twentyone before I did. So we were
partying from Christmas to my birthday inFebruary. So after we just kept on
(10:18):
partying. The party just kept ongoing. But I don't know, I
just didn't know what to do withmy life. And like I said,
I didn't trust myself on making decisions. So when I made the decision,
to change my major, and Iget into it and I'm like, this
isn't what I really want to dowhen I could have just done what I
really wanted to do in that moment. Does that make sense? So now,
(10:41):
moving forward, I just have tolearn from my mistakes, not be
vengeful and hateful and hold resentment towardsother people for mistakes that they may have
made. Right because we're all owedthe opportunity to learn from our mistakes,
(11:01):
and I have to grant them thatgrace to learn from their mistakes because I
would hope that they do the samefor me. I'd hope that all the
people that I've wronged in life,because I'm not perfect. You're not perfect.
Nobody's perfect, okay, So I'dhope that they give me that same
grace, that same respect to learnfrom my mistakes and show that I've been
(11:22):
a changed person. And that's whereI'm at. I don't know where life
is gonna go, but I'm justthankful for all of the lessons because they're
great lessons and it gives me theopportunity to grow at my own unique pace,
my own unique speed, and bemore authentic to me because I can't
(11:46):
run away from me, I'm gonnago with me, And strangely, like
that time in my life my momwas going to jail, like I wanted
to run away from my life,from my problems and not understand you know
what could have could have shot thewaters. I just wanted to run away.
(12:09):
And then I just repeated that patternup until now. But I might
just run away and join the circus. Who knows. Anyhow, I'm gonna
get out y'alls here. I justwanted to come tell y'all that love y'all,
we're gonna give people. We're gonnagive people grace, okay, but
whatever you do, don't go fuckingout. Nobody's say okay, thanks love
(12:31):
piece and chicken grease bye,
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