January 14, 2026 • 31 mins
Ready to transform your dating life in 2026?
Join Asha Christina as she dives deep into rewiring your brain for dating; shifting from scarcity mindsets, toxic patterns, and low-effort relationships to attracting the high-value love you deserve.
In this powerful episode, Asha shares psychology-backed strategies, faith-inspired wisdom, and practical tips to reprogram your thoughts: overcome attachment issues, raise your standards, heal from past heartbreak, and embody feminine energy that magnetizes quality men.Whether you're single, healing from a breakup, or ready to level up your relationships, this is your guide to becoming a high-value woman who manifests healthy, godly partnerships.
Ditch the situationships and let's rewire for real love!
If this resonated, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify
Join Asha Christina as she dives deep into rewiring your brain for dating; shifting from scarcity mindsets, toxic patterns, and low-effort relationships to attracting the high-value love you deserve.
In this powerful episode, Asha shares psychology-backed strategies, faith-inspired wisdom, and practical tips to reprogram your thoughts: overcome attachment issues, raise your standards, heal from past heartbreak, and embody feminine energy that magnetizes quality men.Whether you're single, healing from a breakup, or ready to level up your relationships, this is your guide to becoming a high-value woman who manifests healthy, godly partnerships.
Ditch the situationships and let's rewire for real love!
If this resonated, drop a 5-star review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What does overgiving actually do? What does overthinking actually do?
Creates an attachment to that person where it's like, Man,
I've done so much for this person, there's no way
they can walk away now, there's no way that they're
going to abandon me, and it leads you into overthinking.
It's a never ending rollercoaster, It's a hamster wheel. How
much more of my value can I consistently prove to somebody?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey babe, it's Asia Christina. This is quality Queen control.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
What is happening? Hello, angels? How is everybody feeling? It's
been a long time coming, but we are rolling out
these episodes because Hello, Podcasting is my favorite thing to
do ever. Firstly, huge shout out to every single one
of you that has reached out to me, gave me
a shout out, reposted the podcast that we posted last week,
(00:54):
So it just feels really good to be in the
swing of things. I do actually plan on doing an
audio only series where it's kind of like my Diary
where we get really really intimate and talk about things
that I wouldn't normally talk.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
About in other news.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
As well, which is also really really interesting, is we
will also be adding another visual episode so basically, guys,
you guys are getting a lot more podcast content from me, okay,
because I not only want to, but also I got
to make up for the fact that I.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Was gone for a very long time.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Okay, so we're going to be doing two visual episodes
plus an audio episode a week. So I kind of
just want to, you know, slowly but surely get my
way into it. So let's roll that out and I'm
very very excited. So for those of you that have
been rocking with me all this time, thank you for
(01:51):
your patience. It does not go unnotice, and also thank
you for your support. I want to make sure that
we are coming back to YouTube because let's not forget.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes, I have been doing TikTok shop.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
And all the things, but I really want to make
sure that I am really also creating space for the
place that started it all and my first love, which
is YouTube. And luckily, now, to be transparent, I don't
need to sit in my room necessarily in film content anymore,
because I feel like, luckily podcasting has taken on that
(02:23):
you know, form of content where I'm giving you guys
advice and all the things.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
I can just do that exact thing.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
In the medium of podcast creation, so it really just
ends up working out really really well. So today's episode,
we are going to be talking about rewiring our brain
when it comes to dating. As of late, this topic
of neuroscience has really just been resurfacing in my mind
(02:51):
and as I've gone through a lot really in the
past couple years. Who knows, maybe I might talk about
it in my You Know Die series, which is the
audio only series. I'm sure I'll end up getting into it.
But I just really learned about the power of the mind,
and this has just been resurfacing, and there is a
place where both faith and science can actually coexist, and
(03:14):
that is something that I really just want to share
with all of you. So I want to start by
saying that you're probably not actually.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Bad at dating.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It's more that you just don't realize that you've actually
been wired to accept certain patterns or look for certain
patterns in your life.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
So you're not broken, you're not too much.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Okay, you're not choosing wrong because maybe something is wrong
with you. Most of us are actually dating from a
brain that was trained on survival as opposed to safety. Okay,
I think that's very fair to say. And so I
was talking about this the other night with my godsister
last night, really to be honest with you, and we
(03:56):
were talking about the butterfly feelings. I remember I was
in church one day lady said to me, you know,
you don't want to be with the guy that's going
to like give you butterflies and make you feel so
like antsy and giddy and all these different things. And
there's been all this discourse online that I've seen since
that comment was made to me many many years ago
about what butterflies actually are. So we are going to
(04:17):
get into that a little further on into the episode.
But it's just fascinating, like what do those butterflies actually mean?
And what does it look like to kind of rewire
your brain in dating? So, if you've ever wondered why
you've attracted the exact same person okay, where it's basically
been the exact same type of person, I want to reiterate,
where it's like different face, same case, all right? Why
(04:40):
does calmness feel boring to me?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
All right?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Or why do I feel addicted to people who don't
choose me? This episode is going to be for you.
So your brain's job is safety. It is not actually
love first, which is also we're going to talk about
this in a separate episode. It's kind of the same
concept with discipline. The very things that we know we
should be doing, our brains are wired to do the
(05:05):
exact opposite, because more than anything, our brains just want
us to feel safe and familiar. So neuroscience actually teaches
us that your brain is your brain's primary job is
actually not happiness, it's safety, which is why we tend
to choose what's familiar over the unknown of maybe things
being better on the other side, we would rather stick
(05:27):
with what we feel we know, all right, So your brain,
at some point or another has learned this is what
love feels like, and there are multiple factors that contribute.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
To you actually feeling that way.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
And then when you grow up, actually you say things
like why do I feel drawn to emotionally unavailable men?
Why does peace make me actually feel uncomfortable? You know,
it's not necessarily because you like dysfunction, It's because your
brain actually recognizes it. And because again we are looking
for more patterns that make us feel familiar, we tend
(06:01):
to attract that. And so with that being said, familiar
does not actually mean healthy Okay, it means known. It
doesn't mean happy, it means known. All right, now, let's
really get into the butterflies, the dopamine, and what the
trauma bonds actually are. So this is where people tend
to get confused. We've been taught that butterflies actually means chemistry.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I remember one time, you know, I was I was
talking to this yeah, okang, And I remember like when
he kissed me. I remember it very vividly to this
day that I remember it felt like the world stopped
and that there was a panoramic camera circling around me.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Like I was in a music video.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Like I was well into my twenties when this, Like
I was like, wait, what was that feeling? Like I've
never really had a sensation like that before, So it
was like whoa like And mind you, the way my
brain process that relationship was like, well one, it barely
was one, Okay, So there was that in this particular situation,
(07:07):
like that person was absolutely not the best person for me,
you know, and it was I think it was just
a matter of the intoxication of the fact that it
was just honestly so chaotic. And the thing is, there
were large parts of me that actually disliked it more
than I did like it, but I was still going
(07:27):
along with it because it did actually give me dopamine
in a lot of ways. So neuroscience actually says that
butterflies can also mean an activated nervous system. That's what
butterflies actually are so inconsistent affection, hot and cold behavior.
It actually creates dopamine spikes.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
That's why some.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
People are so used to being ignored and all these
different things that all of a sudden you think, oh,
you know, I just need to approve to him that
you know I'm there for him, that he can trust me.
And some men probably do require that. It's just will
never be a man that's for me, And that's okay.
But I'm just saying, all right, dopamine is the same
chemical that's involved in addiction. That's why it becomes addictive.
(08:13):
Do you see the parallels that I'm drawing here. Okay,
So let me say this clearly. Anxiety is not attraction.
It is information. If somebody's always making you feel like anxious,
like oh, you're waiting by your phone waiting for them
to like answer, like there's this like a feeling to you,
You're not even recognizing ding ding ding. This is a
red flag. This person is creating a level of unsafety
(08:36):
for you. But because that's all you know, based off
of maybe your environment or what have you, or your
first experience in love, you attribute that to something that's familiar.
You attribute that to let me work harder. You know
what They also say, we tend to date people that
remind us of our most difficult parent.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
That's what they say.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Why because it gives us a sense of control to
redo the dynamic. And again, this is not for everybody, however,
this is stereotypically the general rule of thumb, all right,
So when someone makes you feel on edge, they make
you feel hyper aware. They're constantly making you question where
(09:19):
you stand.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
That is not romance. That is your nervous system in
survival mode.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I gotta fix this. I gotta figure out a way
to make this work. I got to figure out a
way to create that safety for me because now I'm
in control, I'm older now, like I can create this
environment where I can fix this dynamic that feels familiar
to me. And honestly, from a faith perspective, God is
simply not the author of confusion. And you know, what
(09:47):
my rule of thumb is, if it's fragile, let it
frickin break. If it's fragile, best believe Asha is letting
it break. I am because I don't care. Because for me,
love does not equate to fighting. It does not equate
to turmoil. It does not equate to, you know, feeling
like I'm always having to like show up in the
(10:10):
capacity of proving my worth to somebody to make them
stick around.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Whatever decision you make. I'm okay with it because what
one man's trash is another one's treasure.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
That's all I'm trying to say, Like I, and I'm
not calling us that by any means, But you guys
are picking up when I'm laying down. Like certain people
also in life, they're not meant to see you. How
do I explain this? They're not meant to see and
unlock certain qualities in you, and ladies, especially for those
of you that are young or right you're in your twenties, still,
do not spend your life trying to override situations where
(10:50):
you're constantly proving your worth, because this is where that
experience begins to formulate you begin to base the rest
of your relationships off of the patterns of the one
relationship that you had that you have to prove your
worth constantly, and then it kind of just sticks with
you everywhere you go. Where you're that's your normal, and
you're attracting people that actually require you to show up
(11:12):
in that capacity.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
So to you, you don't see that it's actually you.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That's attracting that pattern because you're seeing your it's getting
validated through another person. Oh well, I do have to
show up in this capacity for them, because that's something
that they're also requiring. You know.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Let's even put it in a more extreme example.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Let's say that you know you have been in dynamics
in the past where it has been controlling. A guy
doesn't want you wearing certain things. He's getting mad at
you for posting certain things on Instagram, and to you,
I mean, you're not here in a song, bikini or
anything like that. But it feels something about it feels
so like, Okay, I'm genuinely not even doing anything, and
(11:53):
he's like misinterpreting like natural actions. He has a problem
with like natural things that are not even adding up.
It's too extra or you know, you're scared to even
interact with the opposite sex, because your man is going
to treat you like, you know, you're being disrespectful to
him because you shouldn't even have been talking to another guy.
That's that's you know, of the opposite sex. Why are
(12:16):
you even looking at them? That's a little ridiculous. And
I'm sure that these dynamics they are in all types
of relationships. At the end of the day, it's a
controlling thing that needs to be solved. If your partner
is making you feel like you shouldn't be talking to
anybody but them, we have a problem.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
It's not in Houston. It's here, Okay, that's where it is.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
So at the end of the day, if somebody is
making you feel this like hyper awareness, it's creating a
vibe of I gotta be perfect, I gotta be on
my p's and q's. If I see another guy walk by,
I better like actually shift my body language away from
that person because I don't want to give the wrong
idea to my boyfri friend, because I don't want him
(13:00):
to start an argument with me. I better make sure
that I barely, you know, wear makeup, or I want
to make sure that if I'm posting anything on the Internet.
I want to make sure that it's to his liking.
I'm filtering things through the lens of another person. Do
you understand what I'm saying? So for you, you're thinking, man,
you're dating someone else, maybe the relationship like that ended,
(13:21):
but you're attracting another guy that has that same thing.
And to you, you're thinking, well, at this point, that's
just how guys are. I guess like they don't want
you to really just have a normal conversation with another guy,
even if it means absolutely nothing, like you're not flirting
with them like that is not normal to be in relationships.
(13:41):
I don't even know why I'm bringing this up, but
I guess this is for somebody. It is not normal
to be in a relationship and someone is making you
feel like you have to explain every single interaction that
you have with somebody period. What that's actually telling me
is that there's a deep insecurity there, and that means
that everyone is a threat to your relationship and you're
(14:02):
going to spend what the entirety of your life constantly
trying to prove that. When people have deep wounds in
this nature or in any nature, it's a bottomless pit,
is what it is you will spend the entirety of
your life trying to be good enough to create the
right safety for that person, to make them feel like
(14:24):
whatever they feel is threatening is not threatening to them.
It is a bottomless pit because it is not your
cross to bear. It is not for you to try
and correct their own wound. They need to fix that
for themselves. Do you understand. Okay, Now this leads me
into attachment patterns in dating. We've all heard about this,
(14:45):
So I want to talk about attachments without labels, but
more in the sense of just patterns.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
So some people they overgive and they overthink because they're
afraid of abandonment because what does overget giving actually do?
What does overthinking actually do?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Well?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
One overgiving Now it creates an attachment to that person
where it's like, Man, I've done so much for this person,
there's no way they can walk away. Now I've proven
my value to them so much. There's no way that
they can walk away. Now, there's no way that they're
going to abandon me. And it leads you into overthinking.
It's a never ending rollercoaster, it's a hamster wheel. How
much more of my value can i consistently prove to
(15:25):
somebody there's always a link, there's always a connection. You
just have to put it together, and a lot of
people don't. The hardest person to face it really just
is yourself. Honestly, it really really is. Like I said,
some people they pull away the moments you know that
thinks things get real, right, more avoidant. Some people they're calm,
(15:47):
they're consistent, and they're emotionally available. Very rare, it seems like.
But they're out there all right. I'm just saying, But
here's the hard truth. You actually don't attract who you
want right. You attract who your nervous system feels safe with.
And that's why attachments and learning the patterns and figuring
(16:10):
out what your attachment style is, that's why it actually
does matter, babe. It does matter to figure out if
you're avoidant. It does matter to figure out if you
are an anxious attachment person, and it does also help
to figure out if you're a secure attachment person. In relationships,
things and qualities about yourself will be mirrored back to you.
(16:31):
How are you actually going to change them? What are
you going to do to fix them? All?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:36):
How can your brain actually be rewired. This is where
the hope comes in. Not all hope is lost. So
this is the good news. The brain is actually not fixed.
This is what's so fascinating to me about our brains.
So there's something called neuroplasticity, right. This means your brain
can change through repetition, awareness and also safety and awareness
(17:01):
is what's going to interrupt the pattern. So the moment
you name a pattern, it starts to lose power. Because
a lot of people are walking around in just all
you know, just wandering around aimlessly.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
They have no idea what's going on.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
They just can't seem to figure out, like why they
keep attracting the same guy, and why all men are
the same and all these different things. And they might
even feel like they are doing a lot of things
in a healthy way, but they just can't seem to
make things aligned for them. But it's important to identify, Okay,
if somebody's bringing out certain triggers in me, what exactly
(17:38):
is coming up here. I said this quote to one
of my friends the other day because we were kind
of talking about something similar to this, and I was like, yeah,
I don't want to dislike qualities in someone because I
dislike them in myself. I want to be able to
dislike qualities in someone because I don't identify with that
at all in a way where that's just not going
(17:58):
to work for me. Don't I want to secretly be
hating something because I know that that's something that exists
inside of me. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? So
if you're a very sloppy person and you're out of order,
you're annoyed that maybe your boyfriend might be the same,
but a part of you dislikes it because you wish
that you were a neat and organized person. But that's
(18:20):
actually a quality that exists within you, which means that
you hate it being reflected back to you because that's
a part of you as opposed to disliking it because
you're an organized person. So why would you want to
be with someone that's not because you are an organized person?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Do you understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
I don't know why I thought that was so powerful
and so revelatory, because I was just like, Wow, I
do not want to dislike qualities in someone because I
secretly hate that about myself, and I feel that that's
the same for all of us, Like it just causes
a lot of contention, and then at that rate.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Things just don't.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It doesn't really and now you have to see, Okay,
this is coming to the surface. I need to fix
this as opposed to this actually doesn't align because I'm
actually not like that. And in order for healthy things
to function, certain things like unanimously across the universe, being
disorganized is a quality that should be worked on by
everyone because you can't get anywhere if there's no clarity
(19:19):
and there's persistent dysfunction. Okay, so you should ask yourself
who do I feel instantly drawn to and how does
my body feel around them?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Some of you are so used to anxiety.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
It is so much your norm you don't even see
how you unlock those patterns and you actually function almost
to you better with having that anxiety. So someone else
that you actually like and that you're with creating those
same feelings is why would you think that there's anything
wrong with it?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Because it's all you've known how to function in.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Okay, your body will always tell the truth before or
your emotions. Do. Remember that it is important that we
regulate before we start to choose why, because a regulated
body makes better decisions. I saw something that Tdjake said
like a while ago, and he was saying that it's
(20:16):
important that you, to the best of your ability, heal
yourself because the version of yourself that heals is not
even going to be attracted to the person that you
were with necessarily before you actually became healed, because you
start to really want different for yourself, which is why
environments are actually everything when you think about it. Yeah,
(20:41):
let's go back to the being a disorganized person thing.
If you all of a sudden have finally curated an
environment where you want to be organized, and you're in
an environment, let's say, where you're in a relationship, and
that person is completely disorganized. At one point, you were
willing to put up with that dysfunction because it was
(21:02):
also a part of you. You were trying to sort
through it. You were used to being like that yourself.
But once you've cleaned that up completely and you're like,
all right, I got myself out of that sort of
you know, place a mentality, because dysfunction, it's a big deal.
It bleeds off into many other areas of your life.
All Right, how you do anything is how you do everything? Okay,
that's a general rule of thumb who you're going to
(21:23):
want to be with. Ideally, it's that quality is definitely
going to be something that's going to change. Oh okay,
you know what now I realize being with someone that
is capable of, you know, cleaning up after themselves is
a requirement of mind. You know, being with someone that's
teachable is a requirement of mind. I don't want someone
that's going to be locked into, you know, being a
(21:43):
very rigid person or what have you. I want someone
that's going to be able to communicate, you know, I
don't want someone that's going to be shutting down when
adversity comes and uncomfortable conversations come. I don't always want
to be the one to initiate conversation. But our desires
far outweigh what the truth is. Sometimes you tend to
justify it, and people that are not good for you, unfortunately,
(22:04):
are going to allow you to do this. So in
your mind, it's going to further validate that you are
making the right decision, but you're actually not. You're actually
not because that person is actually validating the toxic ways
about yourself that might that clearly are not that overtly obvious,
but they are still there. So if you're finding yourself
(22:26):
always having to initiate, you know, important conversations, you're always
having to help navigate you know, communication with that person,
that person is clearly unhealthy because they're allowing you to
do those things as opposed to their being a meeting
of the minds, especially when it comes to you know,
being in a relationship and you want that man to be,
(22:47):
you know, to lead. You want that man to lead, period.
But if you're the one that's having to initiate the dates,
this that all these different things, you turn around and
it's like, now, as soon as you let go, which
you know, so I can't let go. I have to
constantly stay on top of this person because if I don't,
I don't know where the situation is going to go.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
You guys understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Now, what does a regulated body that makes better decisions
do well. This means slowing down emotional intimacy. This means
not oversharing on the first few dates. Some people just think, Oh,
I'm just such a real and authentic person. I just
want to, you know, just talk about deep things, all
these different things. There are levels and there's layers to things,
all right, like, you know, you should not be oversharing
(23:31):
as a means to try and quickly bond with that person.
And that's what a lot of people that do this
tend to do. They think that oversharing and getting to
like the deepest parts, like I just want to know
every single thing about you, like their timeline is extremely
accelerated and they don't realize that. And that's a part
of that anxiousness, like you're just really on a fast
track to nowhere land, okay, and you think you're making
(23:54):
progress because you're always on speed, all right. Also watching
you know, actions over words, all right, what is this?
How is this person's behavior? But it's okay for some
people because they keep on having.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
To course correct it. Oh I fix that, I fix that,
I fix that, I fix that. I fix that. Okay,
well for how long? All right?
Speaker 1 (24:18):
And also allow consistency to reveal itself. I am a
very big believer, Like I said, if it's fragile, let
it break. I'm okay with letting people make certain decisions
because I really just want to see, especially in the beginning,
I want to see how you really are, and I
want to let you show up as that because I'm
not interested in changing anybody. Yes, there are different things
(24:38):
that can be improved on, you know, on both on
both parties. But I want to see fundamentally how you
are in situations. First, I'm not here to you know,
hold your hand as your as you're I'm basically manipulating
myself by trying to manipulate how you're showing up so
that I'm I'm hoping that this can work together the
(24:59):
way that I wanted to.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
No, I don't care.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Okay, here's a line that I want you to remember.
You don't need necessarily this like intoxicating chemistry all the
time on a first date. Obviously you need to establish
the baseline of am I attracted to this person?
Speaker 2 (25:19):
All the things I'm sure.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
You are, but that like high, you know, intoxicating feeling
that you're feeling, you actually need clarity. You need to
know where this person is going and have an idea
of logically what's going on. And this especially the older
you become, it's important to just lay that out. Yes,
people can lie, but hopefully your deserment gets better and better.
(25:43):
But at the end of the day, people don't like
labels on things because they don't want to define it,
and in that anonymity, it then gives them a reason
to have free reign to do whatever they want because
there's no accountability, there's no responsibility when no one can
define anything than here you are. It's been six months
and you've had to come up with a million different
(26:05):
ways on how to manipulate this guy now at this
point into actually being in a relationship with you.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
But you're doing all the relationship things.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
You're hanging out with this person, you're probably being intimate
with this person. You're doing all these different things, and
yet he still can't figure out where's.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
He would like to go.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
He's unsure about it, and he doesn't even want to
discuss it either. So there's no transparency. So repetition is
going to create new wiring. At first, for some people,
healthy love can probably feel boring because why you're so
used to something happening and manipulating the situation or being manipulated.
(26:48):
You're so used to that that it's like you mistake
peace genuinely for like problems. Oh man, you know, I
don't understand, like, you know, why is he not texting
me all day long?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Why?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Like little absences in conversations that are healthy like silence
and conversations that are healthy. You're mistaken for I bet
he's doing something, let me hit him up. He didn't
answer me, Oh my gosh, like and it just sends
you spiraling where it pretty much controls and dictates your
entire day.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Like no, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
But it's not because it is actually boring, right, it's
because your brain, it just isn't used to peace. But
the more that you choose safety, the more that peace
actually becomes familiar, and the less chaos will actually feel exciting.
So of course I like to tie in some faith
into this. And scripture says that we should be renewed
(27:47):
by the transforming of our mind. Okay, this is Romans twelve,
verses two. And God does not just heal hearts, he
also renews minds. And sometimes healing, you know, is actually
slow desernment.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You have to work on it.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
It's an exercise that needs to be practiced, all right.
But peace is not a lack of excitement, all right,
It is actually safety, all right. It is actually you know,
confirmation of Okay, for where we are right now, things
are going on the right track until you know, we'll
(28:23):
cross certain bridges when we get there type of thing.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So I want to leave you with this, all right,
You're not broken. You your brain.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Just learned to love in one way, all right, and
with intention, with having awareness and also God's guidance, it
can also learn a new one. So the questions that
you guys should sit with are am I choosing familiarity
or am I choosing healing?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
And I get it.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Sometimes you don't want to just have to start over,
Like once you have you hear certain things and you realize, Okay,
that's that's me. I think that's me again, that might
be me too, Like I'm already into deep, Like I
don't want to have to let this go. I've put
so much work into this, but it's food for thought.
Does this relationship bring peace or does it bring dysregulation?
(29:14):
What qualities are actually being mirrored back to me? Do
I dislike this because it's actually a quality I hate
in myself? Or is it because it's actually something that
doesn't align it's different than me? Is my body calm
or is it constantly on alert? And for those of
you that know that you are already anxious, stop blaming
yourself for things too in the sense because actually, first
of all, I'm here to confirm sometimes it really is you,
(29:36):
all right, you got to figure that out. But sometimes
you're also dating people that are the same, or you're
dating people that are that are exasperating those qualities in you,
and that's also something to take notes of, right, that
is also something to really like think about, HM, Like,
do I want to have to fix this before I
even fix it in me?
Speaker 2 (29:56):
First? All right?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
So healthy love is not going to make you feel anxious.
It's going to make you feel secure, and that is
simply what you deserve. So if this episode has spoke
to you, I want you to send it to a
friend all right that keeps on asking why do I
always choose the same person?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
All right?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And if you want more conversations like this, where we're
going to be talking about, of course dating, healing and
dating really anything that I want, Okay, business neuroscience.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Now, like you guys already know where to find me.
We are so.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Back baby, all right, So do not forget guys like
to give this what is it like rating? You guys
can rate this on Apple or wherever. Honestly, you're listening
to it all really really helps me out. And of course, yeah,
share this with a friend. We're not gatekeepers here, and
I'll see you guys in my next episode.
What does overgiving actually do? What does overthinking actually do?
Creates an attachment to that person where it's like, Man,
I've done so much for this person, there's no way
they can walk away now, there's no way that they're
going to abandon me, and it leads you into overthinking.
It's a never ending rollercoaster, It's a hamster wheel. How
much more of my value can I consistently prove to somebody?
Speaker 2 (00:20):
Hey babe, it's Asia Christina. This is quality Queen control.
Speaker 1 (00:29):
What is happening? Hello, angels? How is everybody feeling? It's
been a long time coming, but we are rolling out
these episodes because Hello, Podcasting is my favorite thing to
do ever. Firstly, huge shout out to every single one
of you that has reached out to me, gave me
a shout out, reposted the podcast that we posted last week,
(00:54):
So it just feels really good to be in the
swing of things. I do actually plan on doing an
audio only series where it's kind of like my Diary
where we get really really intimate and talk about things
that I wouldn't normally talk.
Speaker 2 (01:10):
About in other news.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
As well, which is also really really interesting, is we
will also be adding another visual episode so basically, guys,
you guys are getting a lot more podcast content from me, okay,
because I not only want to, but also I got
to make up for the fact that I.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Was gone for a very long time.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
Okay, so we're going to be doing two visual episodes
plus an audio episode a week. So I kind of
just want to, you know, slowly but surely get my
way into it. So let's roll that out and I'm
very very excited. So for those of you that have
been rocking with me all this time, thank you for
(01:51):
your patience. It does not go unnotice, and also thank
you for your support. I want to make sure that
we are coming back to YouTube because let's not forget.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
Yes, I have been doing TikTok shop.
Speaker 1 (02:01):
And all the things, but I really want to make
sure that I am really also creating space for the
place that started it all and my first love, which
is YouTube. And luckily, now, to be transparent, I don't
need to sit in my room necessarily in film content anymore,
because I feel like, luckily podcasting has taken on that
(02:23):
you know, form of content where I'm giving you guys
advice and all the things.
Speaker 2 (02:27):
I can just do that exact thing.
Speaker 1 (02:30):
In the medium of podcast creation, so it really just
ends up working out really really well. So today's episode,
we are going to be talking about rewiring our brain
when it comes to dating. As of late, this topic
of neuroscience has really just been resurfacing in my mind
(02:51):
and as I've gone through a lot really in the
past couple years. Who knows, maybe I might talk about
it in my You Know Die series, which is the
audio only series. I'm sure I'll end up getting into it.
But I just really learned about the power of the mind,
and this has just been resurfacing, and there is a
place where both faith and science can actually coexist, and
(03:14):
that is something that I really just want to share
with all of you. So I want to start by
saying that you're probably not actually.
Speaker 2 (03:22):
Bad at dating.
Speaker 1 (03:23):
It's more that you just don't realize that you've actually
been wired to accept certain patterns or look for certain
patterns in your life.
Speaker 2 (03:33):
So you're not broken, you're not too much.
Speaker 1 (03:35):
Okay, you're not choosing wrong because maybe something is wrong
with you. Most of us are actually dating from a
brain that was trained on survival as opposed to safety. Okay,
I think that's very fair to say. And so I
was talking about this the other night with my godsister
last night, really to be honest with you, and we
(03:56):
were talking about the butterfly feelings. I remember I was
in church one day lady said to me, you know,
you don't want to be with the guy that's going
to like give you butterflies and make you feel so
like antsy and giddy and all these different things. And
there's been all this discourse online that I've seen since
that comment was made to me many many years ago
about what butterflies actually are. So we are going to
(04:17):
get into that a little further on into the episode.
But it's just fascinating, like what do those butterflies actually mean?
And what does it look like to kind of rewire
your brain in dating? So, if you've ever wondered why
you've attracted the exact same person okay, where it's basically
been the exact same type of person, I want to reiterate,
where it's like different face, same case, all right? Why
(04:40):
does calmness feel boring to me?
Speaker 2 (04:43):
All right?
Speaker 1 (04:44):
Or why do I feel addicted to people who don't
choose me? This episode is going to be for you.
So your brain's job is safety. It is not actually
love first, which is also we're going to talk about
this in a separate episode. It's kind of the same
concept with discipline. The very things that we know we
should be doing, our brains are wired to do the
(05:05):
exact opposite, because more than anything, our brains just want
us to feel safe and familiar. So neuroscience actually teaches
us that your brain is your brain's primary job is
actually not happiness, it's safety, which is why we tend
to choose what's familiar over the unknown of maybe things
being better on the other side, we would rather stick
(05:27):
with what we feel we know, all right, So your brain,
at some point or another has learned this is what
love feels like, and there are multiple factors that contribute.
Speaker 2 (05:38):
To you actually feeling that way.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
And then when you grow up, actually you say things
like why do I feel drawn to emotionally unavailable men?
Why does peace make me actually feel uncomfortable? You know,
it's not necessarily because you like dysfunction, It's because your
brain actually recognizes it. And because again we are looking
for more patterns that make us feel familiar, we tend
(06:01):
to attract that. And so with that being said, familiar
does not actually mean healthy Okay, it means known. It
doesn't mean happy, it means known. All right, now, let's
really get into the butterflies, the dopamine, and what the
trauma bonds actually are. So this is where people tend
to get confused. We've been taught that butterflies actually means chemistry.
Speaker 2 (06:22):
Listen.
Speaker 1 (06:23):
I remember one time, you know, I was I was
talking to this yeah, okang, And I remember like when
he kissed me. I remember it very vividly to this
day that I remember it felt like the world stopped
and that there was a panoramic camera circling around me.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Like I was in a music video.
Speaker 1 (06:45):
Like I was well into my twenties when this, Like
I was like, wait, what was that feeling? Like I've
never really had a sensation like that before, So it
was like whoa like And mind you, the way my
brain process that relationship was like, well one, it barely
was one, Okay, So there was that in this particular situation,
(07:07):
like that person was absolutely not the best person for me,
you know, and it was I think it was just
a matter of the intoxication of the fact that it
was just honestly so chaotic. And the thing is, there
were large parts of me that actually disliked it more
than I did like it, but I was still going
(07:27):
along with it because it did actually give me dopamine
in a lot of ways. So neuroscience actually says that
butterflies can also mean an activated nervous system. That's what
butterflies actually are so inconsistent affection, hot and cold behavior.
It actually creates dopamine spikes.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
That's why some.
Speaker 1 (07:49):
People are so used to being ignored and all these
different things that all of a sudden you think, oh,
you know, I just need to approve to him that
you know I'm there for him, that he can trust me.
And some men probably do require that. It's just will
never be a man that's for me, And that's okay.
But I'm just saying, all right, dopamine is the same
chemical that's involved in addiction. That's why it becomes addictive.
(08:13):
Do you see the parallels that I'm drawing here. Okay,
So let me say this clearly. Anxiety is not attraction.
It is information. If somebody's always making you feel like anxious,
like oh, you're waiting by your phone waiting for them
to like answer, like there's this like a feeling to you,
You're not even recognizing ding ding ding. This is a
red flag. This person is creating a level of unsafety
(08:36):
for you. But because that's all you know, based off
of maybe your environment or what have you, or your
first experience in love, you attribute that to something that's familiar.
You attribute that to let me work harder. You know
what They also say, we tend to date people that
remind us of our most difficult parent.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
That's what they say.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Why because it gives us a sense of control to
redo the dynamic. And again, this is not for everybody, however,
this is stereotypically the general rule of thumb, all right,
So when someone makes you feel on edge, they make
you feel hyper aware. They're constantly making you question where
(09:19):
you stand.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
That is not romance. That is your nervous system in
survival mode.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
I gotta fix this. I gotta figure out a way
to make this work. I got to figure out a
way to create that safety for me because now I'm
in control, I'm older now, like I can create this
environment where I can fix this dynamic that feels familiar
to me. And honestly, from a faith perspective, God is
simply not the author of confusion. And you know, what
(09:47):
my rule of thumb is, if it's fragile, let it
frickin break. If it's fragile, best believe Asha is letting
it break. I am because I don't care. Because for me,
love does not equate to fighting. It does not equate
to turmoil. It does not equate to, you know, feeling
like I'm always having to like show up in the
(10:10):
capacity of proving my worth to somebody to make them
stick around.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Whatever decision you make. I'm okay with it because what
one man's trash is another one's treasure.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
That's all I'm trying to say, Like I, and I'm
not calling us that by any means, But you guys
are picking up when I'm laying down. Like certain people
also in life, they're not meant to see you. How
do I explain this? They're not meant to see and
unlock certain qualities in you, and ladies, especially for those
of you that are young or right you're in your twenties, still,
do not spend your life trying to override situations where
(10:50):
you're constantly proving your worth, because this is where that
experience begins to formulate you begin to base the rest
of your relationships off of the patterns of the one
relationship that you had that you have to prove your
worth constantly, and then it kind of just sticks with
you everywhere you go. Where you're that's your normal, and
you're attracting people that actually require you to show up
(11:12):
in that capacity.
Speaker 2 (11:13):
So to you, you don't see that it's actually you.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
That's attracting that pattern because you're seeing your it's getting
validated through another person. Oh well, I do have to
show up in this capacity for them, because that's something
that they're also requiring. You know.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
Let's even put it in a more extreme example.
Speaker 1 (11:32):
Let's say that you know you have been in dynamics
in the past where it has been controlling. A guy
doesn't want you wearing certain things. He's getting mad at
you for posting certain things on Instagram, and to you,
I mean, you're not here in a song, bikini or
anything like that. But it feels something about it feels
so like, Okay, I'm genuinely not even doing anything, and
(11:53):
he's like misinterpreting like natural actions. He has a problem
with like natural things that are not even adding up.
It's too extra or you know, you're scared to even
interact with the opposite sex, because your man is going
to treat you like, you know, you're being disrespectful to
him because you shouldn't even have been talking to another guy.
That's that's you know, of the opposite sex. Why are
(12:16):
you even looking at them? That's a little ridiculous. And
I'm sure that these dynamics they are in all types
of relationships. At the end of the day, it's a
controlling thing that needs to be solved. If your partner
is making you feel like you shouldn't be talking to
anybody but them, we have a problem.
Speaker 2 (12:36):
It's not in Houston. It's here, Okay, that's where it is.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
So at the end of the day, if somebody is
making you feel this like hyper awareness, it's creating a
vibe of I gotta be perfect, I gotta be on
my p's and q's. If I see another guy walk by,
I better like actually shift my body language away from
that person because I don't want to give the wrong
idea to my boyfri friend, because I don't want him
(13:00):
to start an argument with me. I better make sure
that I barely, you know, wear makeup, or I want
to make sure that if I'm posting anything on the Internet.
I want to make sure that it's to his liking.
I'm filtering things through the lens of another person. Do
you understand what I'm saying? So for you, you're thinking, man,
you're dating someone else, maybe the relationship like that ended,
(13:21):
but you're attracting another guy that has that same thing.
And to you, you're thinking, well, at this point, that's
just how guys are. I guess like they don't want
you to really just have a normal conversation with another guy,
even if it means absolutely nothing, like you're not flirting
with them like that is not normal to be in relationships.
(13:41):
I don't even know why I'm bringing this up, but
I guess this is for somebody. It is not normal
to be in a relationship and someone is making you
feel like you have to explain every single interaction that
you have with somebody period. What that's actually telling me
is that there's a deep insecurity there, and that means
that everyone is a threat to your relationship and you're
(14:02):
going to spend what the entirety of your life constantly
trying to prove that. When people have deep wounds in
this nature or in any nature, it's a bottomless pit,
is what it is you will spend the entirety of
your life trying to be good enough to create the
right safety for that person, to make them feel like
(14:24):
whatever they feel is threatening is not threatening to them.
It is a bottomless pit because it is not your
cross to bear. It is not for you to try
and correct their own wound. They need to fix that
for themselves. Do you understand. Okay, Now this leads me
into attachment patterns in dating. We've all heard about this,
(14:45):
So I want to talk about attachments without labels, but
more in the sense of just patterns.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (14:52):
So some people they overgive and they overthink because they're
afraid of abandonment because what does overget giving actually do?
What does overthinking actually do?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
Well?
Speaker 1 (15:03):
One overgiving Now it creates an attachment to that person
where it's like, Man, I've done so much for this person,
there's no way they can walk away. Now I've proven
my value to them so much. There's no way that
they can walk away. Now, there's no way that they're
going to abandon me. And it leads you into overthinking.
It's a never ending rollercoaster, it's a hamster wheel. How
much more of my value can i consistently prove to
(15:25):
somebody there's always a link, there's always a connection. You
just have to put it together, and a lot of
people don't. The hardest person to face it really just
is yourself. Honestly, it really really is. Like I said,
some people they pull away the moments you know that
thinks things get real, right, more avoidant. Some people they're calm,
(15:47):
they're consistent, and they're emotionally available. Very rare, it seems like.
But they're out there all right. I'm just saying, But
here's the hard truth. You actually don't attract who you
want right. You attract who your nervous system feels safe with.
And that's why attachments and learning the patterns and figuring
(16:10):
out what your attachment style is, that's why it actually
does matter, babe. It does matter to figure out if
you're avoidant. It does matter to figure out if you
are an anxious attachment person, and it does also help
to figure out if you're a secure attachment person. In relationships,
things and qualities about yourself will be mirrored back to you.
(16:31):
How are you actually going to change them? What are
you going to do to fix them? All?
Speaker 2 (16:35):
Right?
Speaker 1 (16:36):
How can your brain actually be rewired. This is where
the hope comes in. Not all hope is lost. So
this is the good news. The brain is actually not fixed.
This is what's so fascinating to me about our brains.
So there's something called neuroplasticity, right. This means your brain
can change through repetition, awareness and also safety and awareness
(17:01):
is what's going to interrupt the pattern. So the moment
you name a pattern, it starts to lose power. Because
a lot of people are walking around in just all
you know, just wandering around aimlessly.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
They have no idea what's going on.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
They just can't seem to figure out, like why they
keep attracting the same guy, and why all men are
the same and all these different things. And they might
even feel like they are doing a lot of things
in a healthy way, but they just can't seem to
make things aligned for them. But it's important to identify, Okay,
if somebody's bringing out certain triggers in me, what exactly
(17:38):
is coming up here. I said this quote to one
of my friends the other day because we were kind
of talking about something similar to this, and I was like, yeah,
I don't want to dislike qualities in someone because I
dislike them in myself. I want to be able to
dislike qualities in someone because I don't identify with that
at all in a way where that's just not going
(17:58):
to work for me. Don't I want to secretly be
hating something because I know that that's something that exists
inside of me. Does anyone understand what I'm saying? So
if you're a very sloppy person and you're out of order,
you're annoyed that maybe your boyfriend might be the same,
but a part of you dislikes it because you wish
that you were a neat and organized person. But that's
(18:20):
actually a quality that exists within you, which means that
you hate it being reflected back to you because that's
a part of you as opposed to disliking it because
you're an organized person. So why would you want to
be with someone that's not because you are an organized person?
Speaker 2 (18:35):
Do you understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
I don't know why I thought that was so powerful
and so revelatory, because I was just like, Wow, I
do not want to dislike qualities in someone because I
secretly hate that about myself, and I feel that that's
the same for all of us, Like it just causes
a lot of contention, and then at that rate.
Speaker 2 (18:56):
Things just don't.
Speaker 1 (18:57):
It doesn't really and now you have to see, Okay,
this is coming to the surface. I need to fix
this as opposed to this actually doesn't align because I'm
actually not like that. And in order for healthy things
to function, certain things like unanimously across the universe, being
disorganized is a quality that should be worked on by
everyone because you can't get anywhere if there's no clarity
(19:19):
and there's persistent dysfunction. Okay, so you should ask yourself
who do I feel instantly drawn to and how does
my body feel around them?
Speaker 2 (19:29):
Some of you are so used to anxiety.
Speaker 1 (19:32):
It is so much your norm you don't even see
how you unlock those patterns and you actually function almost
to you better with having that anxiety. So someone else
that you actually like and that you're with creating those
same feelings is why would you think that there's anything
wrong with it?
Speaker 2 (19:52):
Because it's all you've known how to function in.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Okay, your body will always tell the truth before or
your emotions. Do. Remember that it is important that we
regulate before we start to choose why, because a regulated
body makes better decisions. I saw something that Tdjake said
like a while ago, and he was saying that it's
(20:16):
important that you, to the best of your ability, heal
yourself because the version of yourself that heals is not
even going to be attracted to the person that you
were with necessarily before you actually became healed, because you
start to really want different for yourself, which is why
environments are actually everything when you think about it. Yeah,
(20:41):
let's go back to the being a disorganized person thing.
If you all of a sudden have finally curated an
environment where you want to be organized, and you're in
an environment, let's say, where you're in a relationship, and
that person is completely disorganized. At one point, you were
willing to put up with that dysfunction because it was
(21:02):
also a part of you. You were trying to sort
through it. You were used to being like that yourself.
But once you've cleaned that up completely and you're like,
all right, I got myself out of that sort of
you know, place a mentality, because dysfunction, it's a big deal.
It bleeds off into many other areas of your life.
All Right, how you do anything is how you do everything? Okay,
that's a general rule of thumb who you're going to
(21:23):
want to be with. Ideally, it's that quality is definitely
going to be something that's going to change. Oh okay,
you know what now I realize being with someone that
is capable of, you know, cleaning up after themselves is
a requirement of mind. You know, being with someone that's
teachable is a requirement of mind. I don't want someone
that's going to be locked into, you know, being a
(21:43):
very rigid person or what have you. I want someone
that's going to be able to communicate, you know, I
don't want someone that's going to be shutting down when
adversity comes and uncomfortable conversations come. I don't always want
to be the one to initiate conversation. But our desires
far outweigh what the truth is. Sometimes you tend to
justify it, and people that are not good for you, unfortunately,
(22:04):
are going to allow you to do this. So in
your mind, it's going to further validate that you are
making the right decision, but you're actually not. You're actually
not because that person is actually validating the toxic ways
about yourself that might that clearly are not that overtly obvious,
but they are still there. So if you're finding yourself
(22:26):
always having to initiate, you know, important conversations, you're always
having to help navigate you know, communication with that person,
that person is clearly unhealthy because they're allowing you to
do those things as opposed to their being a meeting
of the minds, especially when it comes to you know,
being in a relationship and you want that man to be,
(22:47):
you know, to lead. You want that man to lead, period.
But if you're the one that's having to initiate the dates,
this that all these different things, you turn around and
it's like, now, as soon as you let go, which
you know, so I can't let go. I have to
constantly stay on top of this person because if I don't,
I don't know where the situation is going to go.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
You guys understand what I'm saying.
Speaker 1 (23:08):
Now, what does a regulated body that makes better decisions
do well. This means slowing down emotional intimacy. This means
not oversharing on the first few dates. Some people just think, Oh,
I'm just such a real and authentic person. I just
want to, you know, just talk about deep things, all
these different things. There are levels and there's layers to things,
all right, like, you know, you should not be oversharing
(23:31):
as a means to try and quickly bond with that person.
And that's what a lot of people that do this
tend to do. They think that oversharing and getting to
like the deepest parts, like I just want to know
every single thing about you, like their timeline is extremely
accelerated and they don't realize that. And that's a part
of that anxiousness, like you're just really on a fast
track to nowhere land, okay, and you think you're making
(23:54):
progress because you're always on speed, all right. Also watching
you know, actions over words, all right, what is this?
How is this person's behavior? But it's okay for some
people because they keep on having.
Speaker 2 (24:11):
To course correct it. Oh I fix that, I fix that,
I fix that, I fix that. I fix that. Okay,
well for how long? All right?
Speaker 1 (24:18):
And also allow consistency to reveal itself. I am a
very big believer, Like I said, if it's fragile, let
it break. I'm okay with letting people make certain decisions
because I really just want to see, especially in the beginning,
I want to see how you really are, and I
want to let you show up as that because I'm
not interested in changing anybody. Yes, there are different things
(24:38):
that can be improved on, you know, on both on
both parties. But I want to see fundamentally how you
are in situations. First, I'm not here to you know,
hold your hand as your as you're I'm basically manipulating
myself by trying to manipulate how you're showing up so
that I'm I'm hoping that this can work together the
(24:59):
way that I wanted to.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
No, I don't care.
Speaker 1 (25:01):
Okay, here's a line that I want you to remember.
You don't need necessarily this like intoxicating chemistry all the
time on a first date. Obviously you need to establish
the baseline of am I attracted to this person?
Speaker 2 (25:19):
All the things I'm sure.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
You are, but that like high, you know, intoxicating feeling
that you're feeling, you actually need clarity. You need to
know where this person is going and have an idea
of logically what's going on. And this especially the older
you become, it's important to just lay that out. Yes,
people can lie, but hopefully your deserment gets better and better.
(25:43):
But at the end of the day, people don't like
labels on things because they don't want to define it,
and in that anonymity, it then gives them a reason
to have free reign to do whatever they want because
there's no accountability, there's no responsibility when no one can
define anything than here you are. It's been six months
and you've had to come up with a million different
(26:05):
ways on how to manipulate this guy now at this
point into actually being in a relationship with you.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
But you're doing all the relationship things.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
You're hanging out with this person, you're probably being intimate
with this person. You're doing all these different things, and
yet he still can't figure out where's.
Speaker 2 (26:25):
He would like to go.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
He's unsure about it, and he doesn't even want to
discuss it either. So there's no transparency. So repetition is
going to create new wiring. At first, for some people,
healthy love can probably feel boring because why you're so
used to something happening and manipulating the situation or being manipulated.
(26:48):
You're so used to that that it's like you mistake
peace genuinely for like problems. Oh man, you know, I
don't understand, like, you know, why is he not texting
me all day long?
Speaker 2 (27:00):
Why?
Speaker 1 (27:01):
Like little absences in conversations that are healthy like silence
and conversations that are healthy. You're mistaken for I bet
he's doing something, let me hit him up. He didn't
answer me, Oh my gosh, like and it just sends
you spiraling where it pretty much controls and dictates your
entire day.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Like no, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
But it's not because it is actually boring, right, it's
because your brain, it just isn't used to peace. But
the more that you choose safety, the more that peace
actually becomes familiar, and the less chaos will actually feel exciting.
So of course I like to tie in some faith
into this. And scripture says that we should be renewed
(27:47):
by the transforming of our mind. Okay, this is Romans twelve,
verses two. And God does not just heal hearts, he
also renews minds. And sometimes healing, you know, is actually
slow desernment.
Speaker 2 (28:02):
You have to work on it.
Speaker 1 (28:03):
It's an exercise that needs to be practiced, all right.
But peace is not a lack of excitement, all right,
It is actually safety, all right. It is actually you know,
confirmation of Okay, for where we are right now, things
are going on the right track until you know, we'll
(28:23):
cross certain bridges when we get there type of thing.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
So I want to leave you with this, all right,
You're not broken. You your brain.
Speaker 1 (28:33):
Just learned to love in one way, all right, and
with intention, with having awareness and also God's guidance, it
can also learn a new one. So the questions that
you guys should sit with are am I choosing familiarity
or am I choosing healing?
Speaker 2 (28:52):
And I get it.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
Sometimes you don't want to just have to start over,
Like once you have you hear certain things and you realize, Okay,
that's that's me. I think that's me again, that might
be me too, Like I'm already into deep, Like I
don't want to have to let this go. I've put
so much work into this, but it's food for thought.
Does this relationship bring peace or does it bring dysregulation?
(29:14):
What qualities are actually being mirrored back to me? Do
I dislike this because it's actually a quality I hate
in myself? Or is it because it's actually something that
doesn't align it's different than me? Is my body calm
or is it constantly on alert? And for those of
you that know that you are already anxious, stop blaming
yourself for things too in the sense because actually, first
of all, I'm here to confirm sometimes it really is you,
(29:36):
all right, you got to figure that out. But sometimes
you're also dating people that are the same, or you're
dating people that are that are exasperating those qualities in you,
and that's also something to take notes of, right, that
is also something to really like think about, HM, Like,
do I want to have to fix this before I
even fix it in me?
Speaker 2 (29:56):
First? All right?
Speaker 1 (29:58):
So healthy love is not going to make you feel anxious.
It's going to make you feel secure, and that is
simply what you deserve. So if this episode has spoke
to you, I want you to send it to a
friend all right that keeps on asking why do I
always choose the same person?
Speaker 2 (30:17):
All right?
Speaker 1 (30:18):
And if you want more conversations like this, where we're
going to be talking about, of course dating, healing and
dating really anything that I want, Okay, business neuroscience.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Now, like you guys already know where to find me.
We are so.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
Back baby, all right, So do not forget guys like
to give this what is it like rating? You guys
can rate this on Apple or wherever. Honestly, you're listening
to it all really really helps me out. And of course, yeah,
share this with a friend. We're not gatekeepers here, and
I'll see you guys in my next episode.
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