June 22, 2022 • 12 mins
Just a small rant... It's time I get back to me.! Self- care is IMPORTANT!!!!!
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Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning in. Just Iss Fight to
Rasilian podcast of.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I wanna go out here and say, excuse Jazzmins crying
in the background. I'm'a go ahead and push through anyway,
because my heart is real heavy today and I wanna.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I just wanna talk.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I don't know what our name this episode, but just
you know, I'm just speaking from the heart today. I've
been having a lot, like my mind and heart been
real heavy, and it's been for a while. And like
I said in my last episode, we're gonna have bad days,
you know.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It's just how we think about it and how we
look at it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Like I said, I know I won't feel this way always.
Like I said, my heart and mind being heavy, and
of course I go to God, you know, but it's
just me other stuff like situations I'm not sure on
how to deal with it or whatever. And so today
I had to talk with my cousin and I let
a lot out as far as benon wise or you know,
(01:12):
my anger. I kind of let it out today when
I was talking to her, but it also made me
realize some stuff. So when I got out the phone
with her, I started looking through my old pictures like
when I first moved to Memphis and y'all not gonna
even lie. I I got a little bit emotional. I
got emotional looking at the picture because I'm like, man,
(01:35):
I don't even know this person, you know, Like I
can say, like on some of those pictures in my life,
those were some of maybe my happiest moments, and depression
wasn't so heavy and so big on me back then.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
It's like I can get I wanna get back into
that space. Of course, you.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Know, I'm Mary now, I got two kids, but who
you can still be happy.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I can still get back. I mean not out here
doing and some of the stuff I was doing.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Bad then even know n not bad in a bad way,
that's sound kind of bad way, not in no bad way.
But I probably can't get that little part of my
life back. But that happiness that I felt in some
of those pictures. And I don't want some of the
temple of my people to get me wrong, like I'm
not happy with my life now.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
It's just I've put so much.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
On a back burner or I sacrifice so much, like
back then, some of the pictures gett my my nails
say done.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
My hair was done.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
I had two friends who knew how to do hair,
so it was like I kept my hair done, ken
my nail's done. It was like I really, you know,
put time and energy. I was really putting that time
and energy into myself and those things made me feel better,
Like I don't care when nobody say, I will say,
heavier hair, they're done. And and and pampering yourself, whether
(03:03):
it's you doing it at the house in the bathroom
you to block everybody out, or you got the money
to go to the shop.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
That help, That makes you feel better? It it? It does,
and you thinking like, well, ain't nobody gonna see my toes?
Like brother for.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yourself and my cousin Shae have always said that. I'm like,
why you get your toes done in the warm time?
You can't wear your toes out? Anybody gonna see 'em
and she'll be like I see 'em. And man, that
shit really hit with me now because.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
I get it. I get it.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Doing those things for yourself makes you feel better and
in the end, you can be a better person now,
Like I'm not crazy there about nails, oh whatever, but
I used to go and get the old what is
it the jail to sellect.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Polish on my natural nails. But it's like I slowly.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Just stop doing it because I'm like, you know where
that money could go somewhere else, and then you end
up not even knowing where that money where. It's twenty
dollars for the polish. Okay, what's twenty dollars for yourself
if you got it?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
If you can, if you can spare. But even if
you can't spare dollar trick got thanking their policy. You
could go paint your with nails and toes.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I mean, it ain't it ain't it probably won't look but.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
It it's just the fact you took that time out
for yourself. And then, like, as I'm looking at them pictures,
I'm like, man, I believe I was alright.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
At this point in my life.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Like I don't think my depression was, you know, so bad,
or my anxiety was so high, and I don't think
I was probably okay in that moment. And I got
to say it, like, well, damn, I can be that
happy now, if you know, hey, get your get your
hair done. I reached out to one of my good
friends up here who who used to do my hair.
(04:45):
But it's like, like I said, I've allowed so much
stuff to like just really get in my way. A
whole bunch of nothing get in my way to keep
me from like I don't even go get my hair done.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I haven't had my hair done wait, cause I'm been alive.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
I've been the same for my but my cousin did
my have for my birthday. But y'all, that was probably
the most I've got my hair done in some years.
Last year, those two times last year, and I couldn't
tell you time before them. When the last time I
got my hair done, I throw up, uh prime in
and that be it. And help some time I have
be so napping it don't even take so shit.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
May hair still be napping. And it's like what I do?
Slicken up in the pony said, who want to do?
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I don't got no clothes. I barely go anywhere. So
I feel like, okay, i'm'a take the kids to the library.
What I don't wanna get dressed up to go to
the Liberry's or I saw I throw on T shirt jeans,
but I try to make them looking halfway decent.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
But I will say, like when we get ready to
go to church.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Just the fact that I threw on some clothes or
I sh I I actually put some effort into an outfit.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I feel better. I feel a lipp bit better. But
then at the same time, my head be napping. So
I'm like, at.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Least I got some clothes on, but your hair still napping,
you know. But I know that's not important going church.
But I'm I'm talking about self esteem. I guess you know,
like I am, I'm not as confident as I was
prior as to having kids.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And why is that?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Like, why why do we as mothers, you know, put
so much on the back barone note, you know, when
we have kids.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Why we sacrifice so much when we have kids.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Speaking of kids, He'll come Jameson walking in here and cry, Now,
hold on, y'all, we sacrifice so much as mothers, you know.
But then I'd love to see I love to see
these new mothers, you know, And and they been slaying
the whole pregnant city and they had that baby and
they still be on top. They don't miss no no beat.
(06:37):
I love to see that. But I can say I
was one of those I really lost myself after I
had kids, After I vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
It was like.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Em I I think I probably still got my hair
done in little bit, but then I stopped doing the
nails because okay, I got a baby. Now I don't
want to scratch him. So I think I stopped doing
the nails and I was still getting my hair done.
Every blue moved. But then of course it's time went on.
We kind of hit like a rough sh a rough
patch when you tarry. It was the baby, which I
thank god. You know, we are in a much better
(07:06):
place now that we got two kids. But we did
went through a little hard time. And I didn't tell
my family or nothing because gains way, y'all, my NTJ
god wristle, so she was oneman. I got playing with
my son. She said like, you need to come home.
Oh you ain't come like they really wanted me to
come home. But it was my dad ex me. His
words were, then they're gonna take care of you. And
(07:29):
I told him, y'all and Daddy never said nothing on
nothing no more. His first time meeting Terry was at
the baby childhood. This hain't about that. We talking about
mother's not But I just sacrificed so much once I
became a mother and then you know, once I think
it was some about it. When we moved in this house,
I really went in full wife mode. And I wasn't
(07:51):
even we weren't even married. We wouldn't talking about Mary.
I had had a ring or nothing. But I went
in full out wife mode and you know, doing all
this stuff of a wife. And I gave you so much.
And guess what, y'all in the process of that, I
lost who I was. I think I was talking to
my friend and it was like if people ask you,
you know, who are foolish jazz man? You know, I mean,
(08:16):
I just want to get back to that happy jazz.
And what I mean by happy simple minded people who
may come across my podcast just being thses to see
what y'all go back and talk about at y'all growing
on them house, Well that's fine, you know, every download counseling.
I think y'all for listening to Flights of Resision podcasts,
(08:36):
and I hope that you're following it and following my Instagram.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
But anyway, what.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I mean by being happy is mean like with myself,
you know, with my uppearance, just you know, like these
people getting these bbls, baby go ahead, cause some of
'em they really do look nice. If you did for you,
if that's something that you always wanted and then you
came up on some money and you finally got a
chance to do it, I'm proud of you, you know,
(09:00):
if you're doing it for you. And I just following
them was trainings, which very scary that some people out there,
who's who doing a lot and so only because other
people are doing it, and that ain't even what they
really want, is they're following trains.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
They they they kind of creepy, but try This ain't
about that.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Neither those folks went out got those bbl because they
wanted to make them selves feel better. It wasn't for
nobody else. It wasn't nobody else like, but for themselves.
Cause I know a lot of 'em who really didn't
even need it, but they got it, and they look good.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Is hell with it? Look good? So I don't knock
nobody for it. And that's why I said, I can.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Who is stopping me from being that happy girl in
that picture I just saw with the braids, with the
with the bumbles and the curls.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
I love some curls and long hair and curls.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Who nobody's stopping me from getting back to that happy
place but me. I chose to sacrifice and and say, well,
not one body these fell my celcu then na, then
the no, I can do it.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
If my my kids gonna step out, they need to
step out with'em. I people be like, I may look
at maybe, but my kids an't. Maybe. I want all
of us to look good, right, And so I already
feel better.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
You I. I started off on this podcast a little sad,
but the more I talked about you know, the more
I talked about it, the bad I feel.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And that's the whole point. This is my podcast.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
This is my outlet for me to pour out my
heart when I'm feeling and just in hopes that it's
touched somebody else incurage. I don't care if you listen
to it, you don't, It don't matter to me because
this is my healing process. And even though I had
I probably hadn't seen my therapist none this year, but
I'm gonna make me an apartment today.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Like That's why I said, y'all, it's okay to not
be okay. It's strength.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
It's when you know you're not okay. Andy, and you
take the necessary steps to get better. And so because
I know I deal with depression and anxiety and all
that stuff, and and I've probably seen something that triggered me.
I'm going to make my appointment with my therapist and
we gonna cover all these and you know, and I'm
gonna start back on I'm not saying like I'm just
(11:03):
gonna go talk to her and then probably no, I'm
gonna start back start our sessions back up.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
I'm gonna start it back up.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I haven't been taking my man to sin like I shouldn't,
but I'm really tryna wean myself off of off there.
So in the process after I do that, I'm gonna
make an appointment with my doctors to try to ease
me off the meds.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, because at the end, I wanna have the final say. So,
I ain't have control. We are.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
We have control over our own happiness. We can't say
all the way I ain't happy because that person.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
We can't. I'm not gonna put it on nobody. I
can't tell you what to do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
I'm not gonna put it off on nobody but Jazzmine.
Because Jasmine made those decisions not to get her hair done,
not to get her nails done, but to you know,
pay a bill instead, or to put that toward the
kids instead, or do that instead.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Orna say it and then end up buying wings or something.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I look at some house with end up blowing it,
and then what I ain't gonna ney to show for it,
you know. So I'm in it because I know I
probably went all over the place, y'all, but you know,
I just wanted to kind of vent.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So until next time, y'all, See y'all,
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning in. Just Iss Fight to
Rasilian podcast of.
Speaker 2 (00:07):
I wanna go out here and say, excuse Jazzmins crying
in the background. I'm'a go ahead and push through anyway,
because my heart is real heavy today and I wanna.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I just wanna talk.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
I don't know what our name this episode, but just
you know, I'm just speaking from the heart today. I've
been having a lot, like my mind and heart been
real heavy, and it's been for a while. And like
I said in my last episode, we're gonna have bad days,
you know.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
It's just how we think about it and how we
look at it.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Like I said, I know I won't feel this way always.
Like I said, my heart and mind being heavy, and
of course I go to God, you know, but it's
just me other stuff like situations I'm not sure on
how to deal with it or whatever. And so today
I had to talk with my cousin and I let
a lot out as far as benon wise or you know,
(01:12):
my anger. I kind of let it out today when
I was talking to her, but it also made me
realize some stuff. So when I got out the phone
with her, I started looking through my old pictures like
when I first moved to Memphis and y'all not gonna
even lie. I I got a little bit emotional. I
got emotional looking at the picture because I'm like, man,
(01:35):
I don't even know this person, you know, Like I
can say, like on some of those pictures in my life,
those were some of maybe my happiest moments, and depression
wasn't so heavy and so big on me back then.
Speaker 1 (01:52):
It's like I can get I wanna get back into
that space. Of course, you.
Speaker 2 (01:57):
Know, I'm Mary now, I got two kids, but who
you can still be happy.
Speaker 1 (02:02):
I can still get back. I mean not out here
doing and some of the stuff I was doing.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
Bad then even know n not bad in a bad way,
that's sound kind of bad way, not in no bad way.
But I probably can't get that little part of my
life back. But that happiness that I felt in some
of those pictures. And I don't want some of the
temple of my people to get me wrong, like I'm
not happy with my life now.
Speaker 1 (02:26):
It's just I've put so much.
Speaker 2 (02:30):
On a back burner or I sacrifice so much, like
back then, some of the pictures gett my my nails
say done.
Speaker 1 (02:38):
My hair was done.
Speaker 2 (02:39):
I had two friends who knew how to do hair,
so it was like I kept my hair done, ken
my nail's done. It was like I really, you know,
put time and energy. I was really putting that time
and energy into myself and those things made me feel better,
Like I don't care when nobody say, I will say,
heavier hair, they're done. And and and pampering yourself, whether
(03:03):
it's you doing it at the house in the bathroom
you to block everybody out, or you got the money
to go to the shop.
Speaker 1 (03:09):
That help, That makes you feel better? It it? It does,
and you thinking like, well, ain't nobody gonna see my toes?
Like brother for.
Speaker 2 (03:15):
Yourself and my cousin Shae have always said that. I'm like,
why you get your toes done in the warm time?
You can't wear your toes out? Anybody gonna see 'em
and she'll be like I see 'em. And man, that
shit really hit with me now because.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
I get it. I get it.
Speaker 2 (03:31):
Doing those things for yourself makes you feel better and
in the end, you can be a better person now,
Like I'm not crazy there about nails, oh whatever, but
I used to go and get the old what is
it the jail to sellect.
Speaker 1 (03:44):
Polish on my natural nails. But it's like I slowly.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
Just stop doing it because I'm like, you know where
that money could go somewhere else, and then you end
up not even knowing where that money where. It's twenty
dollars for the polish. Okay, what's twenty dollars for yourself
if you got it?
Speaker 1 (04:00):
You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
If you can, if you can spare. But even if
you can't spare dollar trick got thanking their policy. You
could go paint your with nails and toes.
Speaker 1 (04:11):
I mean, it ain't it ain't it probably won't look but.
Speaker 2 (04:16):
It it's just the fact you took that time out
for yourself. And then, like, as I'm looking at them pictures,
I'm like, man, I believe I was alright.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
At this point in my life.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Like I don't think my depression was, you know, so bad,
or my anxiety was so high, and I don't think
I was probably okay in that moment. And I got
to say it, like, well, damn, I can be that
happy now, if you know, hey, get your get your
hair done. I reached out to one of my good
friends up here who who used to do my hair.
(04:45):
But it's like, like I said, I've allowed so much
stuff to like just really get in my way. A
whole bunch of nothing get in my way to keep
me from like I don't even go get my hair done.
Speaker 1 (04:55):
I haven't had my hair done wait, cause I'm been alive.
Speaker 2 (04:59):
I've been the same for my but my cousin did
my have for my birthday. But y'all, that was probably
the most I've got my hair done in some years.
Last year, those two times last year, and I couldn't
tell you time before them. When the last time I
got my hair done, I throw up, uh prime in
and that be it. And help some time I have
be so napping it don't even take so shit.
Speaker 1 (05:17):
May hair still be napping. And it's like what I do?
Slicken up in the pony said, who want to do?
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I don't got no clothes. I barely go anywhere. So
I feel like, okay, i'm'a take the kids to the library.
What I don't wanna get dressed up to go to
the Liberry's or I saw I throw on T shirt jeans,
but I try to make them looking halfway decent.
Speaker 1 (05:35):
But I will say, like when we get ready to
go to church.
Speaker 2 (05:37):
Just the fact that I threw on some clothes or
I sh I I actually put some effort into an outfit.
Speaker 1 (05:42):
I feel better. I feel a lipp bit better. But
then at the same time, my head be napping. So
I'm like, at.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Least I got some clothes on, but your hair still napping,
you know. But I know that's not important going church.
But I'm I'm talking about self esteem. I guess you know,
like I am, I'm not as confident as I was
prior as to having kids.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
And why is that?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
Like, why why do we as mothers, you know, put
so much on the back barone note, you know, when
we have kids.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Why we sacrifice so much when we have kids.
Speaker 2 (06:15):
Speaking of kids, He'll come Jameson walking in here and cry, Now,
hold on, y'all, we sacrifice so much as mothers, you know.
But then I'd love to see I love to see
these new mothers, you know, And and they been slaying
the whole pregnant city and they had that baby and
they still be on top. They don't miss no no beat.
(06:37):
I love to see that. But I can say I
was one of those I really lost myself after I
had kids, After I vegetarian.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
It was like.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Em I I think I probably still got my hair
done in little bit, but then I stopped doing the
nails because okay, I got a baby. Now I don't
want to scratch him. So I think I stopped doing
the nails and I was still getting my hair done.
Every blue moved. But then of course it's time went on.
We kind of hit like a rough sh a rough
patch when you tarry. It was the baby, which I
thank god. You know, we are in a much better
(07:06):
place now that we got two kids. But we did
went through a little hard time. And I didn't tell
my family or nothing because gains way, y'all, my NTJ
god wristle, so she was oneman. I got playing with
my son. She said like, you need to come home.
Oh you ain't come like they really wanted me to
come home. But it was my dad ex me. His
words were, then they're gonna take care of you. And
(07:29):
I told him, y'all and Daddy never said nothing on
nothing no more. His first time meeting Terry was at
the baby childhood. This hain't about that. We talking about
mother's not But I just sacrificed so much once I
became a mother and then you know, once I think
it was some about it. When we moved in this house,
I really went in full wife mode. And I wasn't
(07:51):
even we weren't even married. We wouldn't talking about Mary.
I had had a ring or nothing. But I went
in full out wife mode and you know, doing all
this stuff of a wife. And I gave you so much.
And guess what, y'all in the process of that, I
lost who I was. I think I was talking to
my friend and it was like if people ask you,
you know, who are foolish jazz man? You know, I mean,
(08:16):
I just want to get back to that happy jazz.
And what I mean by happy simple minded people who
may come across my podcast just being thses to see
what y'all go back and talk about at y'all growing
on them house, Well that's fine, you know, every download counseling.
I think y'all for listening to Flights of Resision podcasts,
(08:36):
and I hope that you're following it and following my Instagram.
Speaker 1 (08:38):
But anyway, what.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
I mean by being happy is mean like with myself,
you know, with my uppearance, just you know, like these
people getting these bbls, baby go ahead, cause some of
'em they really do look nice. If you did for you,
if that's something that you always wanted and then you
came up on some money and you finally got a
chance to do it, I'm proud of you, you know,
(09:00):
if you're doing it for you. And I just following
them was trainings, which very scary that some people out there,
who's who doing a lot and so only because other
people are doing it, and that ain't even what they
really want, is they're following trains.
Speaker 1 (09:13):
They they they kind of creepy, but try This ain't
about that.
Speaker 2 (09:16):
Neither those folks went out got those bbl because they
wanted to make them selves feel better. It wasn't for
nobody else. It wasn't nobody else like, but for themselves.
Cause I know a lot of 'em who really didn't
even need it, but they got it, and they look good.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Is hell with it? Look good? So I don't knock
nobody for it. And that's why I said, I can.
Speaker 2 (09:37):
Who is stopping me from being that happy girl in
that picture I just saw with the braids, with the
with the bumbles and the curls.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
I love some curls and long hair and curls.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
Who nobody's stopping me from getting back to that happy
place but me. I chose to sacrifice and and say, well,
not one body these fell my celcu then na, then
the no, I can do it.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
If my my kids gonna step out, they need to
step out with'em. I people be like, I may look
at maybe, but my kids an't. Maybe. I want all
of us to look good, right, And so I already
feel better.
Speaker 2 (10:08):
You I. I started off on this podcast a little sad,
but the more I talked about you know, the more
I talked about it, the bad I feel.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
And that's the whole point. This is my podcast.
Speaker 2 (10:17):
This is my outlet for me to pour out my
heart when I'm feeling and just in hopes that it's
touched somebody else incurage. I don't care if you listen
to it, you don't, It don't matter to me because
this is my healing process. And even though I had
I probably hadn't seen my therapist none this year, but
I'm gonna make me an apartment today.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
Like That's why I said, y'all, it's okay to not
be okay. It's strength.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
It's when you know you're not okay. Andy, and you
take the necessary steps to get better. And so because
I know I deal with depression and anxiety and all
that stuff, and and I've probably seen something that triggered me.
I'm going to make my appointment with my therapist and
we gonna cover all these and you know, and I'm
gonna start back on I'm not saying like I'm just
(11:03):
gonna go talk to her and then probably no, I'm
gonna start back start our sessions back up.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
I'm gonna start it back up.
Speaker 2 (11:10):
I haven't been taking my man to sin like I shouldn't,
but I'm really tryna wean myself off of off there.
So in the process after I do that, I'm gonna
make an appointment with my doctors to try to ease
me off the meds.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Yeah, because at the end, I wanna have the final say. So,
I ain't have control. We are.
Speaker 2 (11:30):
We have control over our own happiness. We can't say
all the way I ain't happy because that person.
Speaker 1 (11:35):
We can't. I'm not gonna put it on nobody. I
can't tell you what to do.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
I'm not gonna put it off on nobody but Jazzmine.
Because Jasmine made those decisions not to get her hair done,
not to get her nails done, but to you know,
pay a bill instead, or to put that toward the
kids instead, or do that instead.
Speaker 1 (11:52):
Orna say it and then end up buying wings or something.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
I look at some house with end up blowing it,
and then what I ain't gonna ney to show for it,
you know. So I'm in it because I know I
probably went all over the place, y'all, but you know,
I just wanted to kind of vent.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
So until next time, y'all, See y'all,
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