November 25, 2022 • 30 mins
Draw near to God, and He wil draw near to you. Mental Health does matter. Make your mental health a priority.
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning the end. This is Fighter
Resent Podcasts and I am your host, Chaz Man. Make
sure that you're following the podcast so you'll get a
notification when I post a new episode. I hope that
y'all had a great Thanksgiving and I know those who
are missing loved ones. It was a bit rough, but
(00:23):
you made it. This time of year is always hard
on me because this is around the time that my
life changed forever a whole nineteen years later, y'all, and
I still cry like the shit had been yesterday. So
actually i'm recording this this is today as a Thanksgiving,
(00:45):
which is November twenty fifth, which also makes it nineteen
years today that my mom and grandma has been gone.
So bear with me. This episod so y'all, because I
feel like I can do it, but a child at
any moment just what she could turn on and I
(01:06):
started crying. So just bear with me because this is
my third time trying to uh record this episode. But
this time of years always hard on me because of course,
like I said, my mom and grandma was in a
car accident and it died instantly. So but I wanna
(01:33):
I guess I wanna talk about. This is like a
meltal check in because a couple of weeks ago, my
back last weekend, I experienced a metal breakdown, and I
think it came from Okay, So, as I said on
(01:56):
my last episode, I I did have a habit of smoke,
and I used to be I used to live with
y'all like I used to s s uh used to
smoke every day. And you know, it went from me
just you know, sm smoke recreational purposes, you know. And
(02:20):
it started out as just smoking for fulling, you know,
just to trip and laugh, and then it turned into
and then I started to realize I was like dependent
on it, like I couldn't be calm or uh happy
without it, and so I don't wanna be that dependent
(02:41):
on weed. And so in which I've got I have?
I think I said it in an episode like after Grandady.
After my grand Dady passed, I you know, I had
to go get started own medication for depression and anxiety
over there, and and I haven't been taking it like
I'm supposed to, especially because I had the weed to
(03:02):
keep me calm. I felt like I was in a
good place. But when I realized that the weed was
really a distraction, like the weed was making The weed
was my escape. You know, I felt like when I smoked,
I didn't really have to deal with reality. I didn't
(03:29):
really have to deal with me not being where I
wanna be in life. So Saturday, November nineteenth, that was
my first official day of Cleveland, right, So mind y'all,
because I had been smoking, I have been taking my
(03:49):
medicine like I should, and my doctor said, like, you
should not just up and stop taking the medicine because
symptoms could be worse. So this that Saturday. Oh and
minds y'all. Tell the work he worked every day, but
he goes in early on Saturdays, so you know, it's
(04:10):
just me and the kids here, and I have no weed.
And mind you that I haven't been taking my mad
it sound like I should, So it seems like I
was already irritable. And then Jazzly, y'all, she's such a
crud baby, a wine baby, Like she just whines and
(04:31):
then she drives me crazy, like that shit drives me crazy, y'all,
Like what do you want? Like I can give her everything,
and it's just be like no, Like she's such a
difficult child, like I love her to deall y'all, because
I really believe that's how I was when I was
a kid. And it's just like I became like so overwhelmed.
(04:54):
It's cause, let me tell you something now, if you know,
you know that first day, after that first first day
of trying to quit, it's always the hardest. It sh
that first day is always the hardest because every time
you turn around, you you you think by rolling up
and you be like, damn, ain't got no where you
could fight through it. But every that first day is hard.
(05:14):
So it's like, on top of me being irritated as hell,
I have n't been taking my medicine and I don't
have him none of the smoke. I am forced to
take our own life sober and y'all. I just I
just Jans just kept doing shit that day like it's
like the devil. But know when you're trying to you
(05:36):
set a golver yourself when you try and stick to it,
and he will find any and everything to throw it
throw at you, to throw you off. And so I
just started to get this what it was. I began
I began to feel so overwhelmed and it was just
like I w I I got s just just anger
in me, and I just started to get this strong
(05:58):
urge to cut my hair, y'all, Like like I wanted
to shave my hair. I just had this real strong
edge urge to cut my hair. So I text my
bed spring and I was like, I got this strong
urge to cut my hair. And she was like, you know,
you know, don't look at your hair. Try finding something
and you know, to take your mind off it. Okay,
(06:22):
what did I end up doing? I think I end
up sc scrolling on Facebook, which, let me say, only
made it worse, I believe, because after so long a
s scrolling, I was just like if it. And then
I googled, like why do I have such just such
a strong urge to cut my hair? Like what is this?
(06:42):
And and I read somewhere where it could be the anxiety,
you know, the the feeling of just being overwhelmed, y'all.
I found my selss. I got in the mirror and
and so I'm just crying, breaking down, crying, y'all. I
get to cutting, and I cut my goddamn hair off.
(07:03):
And I'm not talking about no split ends cut. I
cut the shit off to where I look like a
cheek chier pet. I sh wish I had the little
hand and play y'all know those ch chier pets when
they that have been going up and let all the time. Yeah, ad,
But I I took it back there and I'm I'm
crying and cutting and it's just like, uh, but even
(07:26):
after I did it, well, cause I know a lot
of people asking me like, how did it? How did
you feel after you cut it? I don't even know
how I feel. I just know I don't know. It
looked like I made to start crying worse after I
cut it, because it's just like, dang, I got that,
I got that overwhelmed to I cut my damn hair.
(07:49):
But I wanna take this time out to uh address
to people who who may U I guess so it was.
I hope it is in the trigger warning for anybody,
but it's it just made me think about those who
are going through and they're thinking about harming themselves, and
(08:10):
it's like in that moment when you become so overwhelmed,
it's like you take it too far and then and
I know me cutting my hair and people come in
suicide does not compare, y'all. But what I'm saying, is
that feeling of uh, that feeling that comes over you
(08:30):
before you wanna do it. Now. I have never attempted
to take my life, but uh, it was just in
that moment, I'm like, I wanna cut my hair, and
then then like once I started cutting, I knew it
was too late. You get what I'm saying. So it's
like I think about people who are dealing with those
suicide of thoughts. It's like, if you know somebody who
(08:52):
who who is dealing with those thoughts, y'all, please try
to uh be their form, but not judge them or
make them feel bad for even feeling that way. Just
offer them some type of comfort. Because in that moment
where I took it too far and cut my hair,
I realized it's too late, so I couldn't do nothing.
(09:16):
But imagine, you know, the people who take their lives
or they cut they rids or jump from a bridge
that that before they hit the ground or before they
you know, cross over, It's like, do they feel like
I took it too far? You know, and then you
can't take it back? You know, in my case, hair
(09:38):
rot back. But it was just like it scared me
that I got that upset if you get what I'm saying,
so if you're following me, and so I cut my
hair and I'm just like I went in there and
I showed my son and he couldn't even believe it.
He was like, why would you do that? And he
(10:00):
was like, well, don't let me see it, like he
was so disappointed. But it was just I just couldn't
fight the urge and I thought maybe it would bring
me some relief, but it did not. Off the back,
and I had said I wasn't gonna even tell Terry,
I think I end up telling. Well, I did end
up telling him. We actually had a whole conversation where
(10:23):
I broke down again because for as long as I
can remember, y'all, I have always been like so hard
on myself. I feel like throughout life, I've always done
the bare minimum to get back, even from high school,
like I barely passed. Hey, I I remember high school.
(10:44):
I thought I wasn't gonna graduate. MS. You had me
thinking I wasn't gonna graduate, but I got on the
body there. But it's y'all, just feel like I always
did the bare minimum, and now that I continued to
go through life, I still feel like I'm doing the
bar minimum, you know, And and I know that it's
(11:08):
me just being hard on myself. I think we are
our toughest critics. We can be so hard on ourselves, y'all.
But I'm here to tell you that you're doing good.
You're doing the best that you can and it's good enough.
And I talked to a girl that I went to
school with the night I uh cut my hair, and
(11:30):
we had a great conversation, and I was just telling her,
you know, she was actually the one that remind me, like, Jaz,
you you've always been like hard on yourself like that,
And I'm like, I know, I don't even know why
I'm even I'm hard on my kids, you know. And
so I was just telling her, it's like, I have
(11:51):
my associates, and I graduate next year in June with
my bachelor's. But it's like, I don't I don't think
of it as a big deal because it's like, what now,
what can I do with it? What good is excuse me,
y'all be doing it? You know, Like, what good is it?
(12:11):
I even wanted to quit school because what's the point. Wait,
what's the point? What's really the point? Even with my podcast,
Like I put it off and I'm like, I'm not
gonna get any listeners, No way, I'm gonna get the
same a few listeners anyway, So like, what's the point
of me, uh promoting the podcast? What's the point of
becomes of putting uh episodes out? If if people hadn't
(12:32):
even listened to the first episode? Uh, but y'all is
like that Sunday, I woke up feeling relieved. I felt like,
this is my chance to kind of like start over
and uh just try to refocus, you know. And I
(12:57):
and I told myself, like James ben dz Are the
is that you need to get done and then once
these things are accomplished, if you wanna go and grab
your little blunt, you can. But I really hope that
at the end of at the end of this gold
that I meet, I hope that I won't even wanna smoke,
you know what I'm saying. And it's only because and
(13:20):
if I do, it'll it won't be how I was,
you know, just smoking for the hill of the smoking,
wake up smoking just to start me on my day.
So I want nobody to piss me off, you know,
smoking in the middle of the day because the kids
can piss me off smoking at night, they help me
go to see I don't want it to be that
way if I'm gonna do it, and which I don't,
(13:41):
I don't even care about y'all judge me. I ain't
even being honest because I'm not saying we're gonna quit forever.
But while I'm on this little path right here, I
feel like it's a a distraction and I just wanna
I don't know, I'm all over the past. I can't
(14:02):
even think straight, y'all, I really can't. I'm trying to
push through this episode. I really feel like God has
a purpose for me. God has something. God spoke this
(14:28):
over my life. I believe. When I was young, I
just always feel like I had to be a I
(14:50):
always felt like I had to be a certain way
for God to use me. But I was listening to
somebody live and the guy was a millister and he
said something that really stuck out to me. He said, God,
(15:13):
just that call the equipped, he equips the call, and
they really like touched my spirit because when I first
lost my mama and grandma, I just remember asking, like
(15:36):
even at twelve, I remember asking God, like, what is
your what is your reasoning? And I know they said,
of course, God, I haven't read it. I'm'a be honest.
I don't feel like a singer is held against me
if I don't know or I hadn't seen it for myself,
cause I can't trust everybody. I can't trust everybody where
(15:56):
if I hadn't read it. And I ask God at
twelve years old, like what's what was the purpose are
you taking my mama and my grandma? M y'all excuse me,
(16:26):
I'm tired of pause in the episode, so I'm just
gonna try to push the I just remember asking God,
like what is your purpose? Like why why would you
do this? Like I don't, I don't get it. And
like I told y'all in one of my old episodes,
like as my mama died, I really stopped believing in
(16:46):
God because I remember when I found out about the
man in the accident, I ran outside praying like Lord,
don't let them be dead. And then I find out
the next day that they aren't dead. Then it's like,
what was the point of me even praying? Like so
you didn't hear me, It's God, not real. But even
(17:06):
during that little phase while I stopped believing God. It
wasn't long and I had to come on and make
my way on back. And it's like, as I continue
to go through life and I lost loved ones, the
more I realized, like God has a purpose for me
(17:27):
that's bigger than what I can see right now. And
I just feel like the weed was a distraction to
Like I said it, it was just my escape to
just to keep me from focusing on the big picture. Y'all.
I wanna read one of my devotions and the title
(17:53):
of it is finding Courage. It says life could be
difficult and discouraging at times. During that darkest moments, we
can depend upon our friends and family and upon God.
When we do, we find the courage to face even
in the darkest days, with hopeful hearts and willing hands.
Elinori Roosevelt advised you gain strength, courage, and confidence by
(18:15):
every great experience in which you really stop to look
fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself,
I live through this horror. I can take the next
thing that comes along. You must do the thing you
think you cannot do. So the next time you feel
courage tested to your limit, remember that you're probably stronger
(18:37):
than you think. And remember, with you, your friends, your family,
and your God all working together, you have nothing to fear.
And I do feel like I been running away from
(18:57):
my real objective here y'all, and that's to tell people
about God. I am not I'm not a preacher, uh millister,
no prophet or nothing like that. But I do feel
like God wants to use me to spread his words.
I think we've so we've been so caught up and
(19:20):
like back in the day, you know what I'm saying, Like,
I think a lot of those uh quote quote church
people have scared al uh a lot of the young
people away from religion because they have made it seem
like you got to be a hundred percent perfect to
(19:41):
be able to work for God. But that is not true.
I I honestly feel like people put uh pastors and
ministis and and and wo men and women of God
on their pedalstal like they're himing just like us. People
are so quick to shoot down the pasta and who
the pennscl was that now saying my pelt. I'm just
(20:01):
saying pastors in general, they're so quick to shoot down
the pastor the hell you ain't even living right, you
taking you a shot here and there. So it's just
like people put these pastors on such a high pedal
stal like they're God and they're not. They are not
They're human. And so for the longest I kept thinking
(20:22):
God couldn't use me because I love to cuss, y'all.
Y'all know they hey, y'all cuss in the podcast. I
try not to because I have to make put the
you know, mark it explicit when it's really not explicit.
But I am you know, I could use some bad
language sometimes. But for the longest, I felt like God
couldn't use me because I wasn't where I needed to be,
(20:45):
you know. But that is not true. That's just not true.
Form your own relationship with God and he would know
your heart. Y'all. I don't, uh, I don't go to
church like I used to, but I have my own
relationship with God. I can have church in here. I
(21:05):
feel like I'm having church now, you know. If if
if we wanna be technical, if you go to first
Chronicles twenty eight and twenty it says be strong and
courageous and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged
for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He
won't leave you or forsake you. God is right there, y'all.
(21:27):
He's been there the whole time, but he wanna see
where you're headed. He's there. Use him, y'all. So many
time we feel like, uh, we have to take on
these situations alone. God's right there, and we say we
know what he's capable of doing, and we say we
(21:50):
know how good God is in the miracles he worked with.
Do we one hundred percent stand on that? Do we
have faith that God gonna see us through our darkest time?
Like I just ran into devotion recalling moment where you
thought you wasn't gonna make it out, and it look
(22:11):
at you now. When my mom and grandma died, y'all,
I thought about killing myself. I did not wanna go
on in life because I knew seeing people with their
mama was triggering for me. I didn't wanna go through
life without my mama. You know, I really didn't. It
was so hard for the longest, but you look at
(22:35):
me now. I got through it Granddaddy. Where Granddaddy died,
that was a very dark time, and in that moment,
I felt like I wasn't gonna be able to shake
out of that depress, that depression. So it's like when
when I'm hit with situations now, y'all, I try my
best to just stop and think on how God brought
(22:59):
me out some of the darkest times in my life
and talking, like I said, I was talking to a
girl I went to school with, and she was just saying,
how you know she looking life different? Now, you know,
you gotta put faith in God, y'all. We can't say
(23:20):
we trust him and then we're acting a different way
and we still worrying about things. So I feel like
when I had that not to break down on November
the nineteen, I felt like it it came about because
I wasn't putting my my trust all the way in God.
(23:43):
You get what I'm saying. So now when I I
I think about smoking, I pick up the Bible, I
pick up my d my devotion, which is a heart
of great Uh. I picked that U. I I get
on the on the app, on the on my little
(24:07):
app and record uh. I try to make content for
social media. I got a notebook where I jot down
a little encouraging words. I go on Canva and c
create little quotes and stuff. I try to flip it
into a positive y'all. And and I'll say I won't
say that it's easy, because once the devil people what
(24:27):
you what you trying to do, he is going to
try everything in his power to get you to backtrack.
Since November nineteenth, y'all, I swear it seemed like Jasmine
has gotten worse in her behavior. But I've recognized that
the devil is going through my kids to get me
(24:48):
to start smoking, and that's gonna throw off everything that
I got going. I won't give in. And once the
devil realize that you're not giving in, he'll gone by
his damn business. So I'm just like with this podcast,
this episode, y'all. I've had to restart it several times.
I'm not even sure if I'll put this episode out,
(25:10):
but I feel better because I got it out. I
got it out, and now I am, y'all. I'm working
for God, and I just hope that this episode touches
somebody and encourage somebody. You can do it. Stop being
(25:35):
so hard on yourself. Talk to somebody. If you're feeling
like you know, you're tired of life, it's time of living.
Talk to somebody. Talk to somebody. That you trust, talk
to your your pastor uh go see a therapist. Please
don't think a therapist or a psychologist is somebody who
(25:58):
was gonna read you your rights, read you down, uh
judge you. It is not like that, y'all. If you
do not have a therapist, if you got insurance, try
to find you somebody except your insurance, y'all, it's worth it.
The therapist is not substitute praying, getting on your knees
(26:19):
talking to God. Uh, prioritizing God. On those nights you
can't sleep and you tals in time, get on. There's
God telling you to get on up and talk to me. God,
don't sh show us so many signs that he wants
us to talk to him. Talk to him. I know
(26:41):
a lot of people, uh like my steps. He was
just saying like he didn't know how to pray, y'all.
Prayer is simply just talking to God. I talk to
God like I'm seeing her talking to y'all. Now, this
is how I talk to him. And it doesn't feel
like old Father, where all thou and it's this is
not like that, y'all. Talk to him, talk to him,
(27:05):
give him his praise. Let him know that you know
that he got you. Because he does. You wouldn't you
wouldn't have made it this far. And so you're doing good.
I don't know who needs to hear it, but you're
doing good. If you even wanna start a podcast and
(27:27):
you know, just a outlet to to let it out,
do so, it's very easy. You can if you have
a laptop, you can down, uh download the spreaker. No,
what is this? What is this f coop using? I'm
thinking it's called s spreaker s p R e a
(27:48):
k e R And you go on there and set
you an account and from there you can record, and
it also sends your podcast out to different platforms. Get
your note book, write it out. But it's somebody out
there who's waiting to hear your story. I think that's it, y'all.
(28:13):
I'm gonna wrap it up because uh huh, I am
a be emotional, but I'm not sad. It's just like
I said around this time, I'm always kind of on
the fence and I'm not want to ignore my feelings.
You know, I'm not gonna tell you, you know, or
(28:35):
tell somebody like, oh well to do something to take
your mind off it. No, I want to reminisce on
the memories that I had with my mom and grandma.
I used to stay to look back on just how
far I came. There was time where like I literally
would cry the whole day of the twenty fifth. But
(28:59):
this year, I feel like, I feel like this year
is probably the best year I've done with it. Yeah,
I j I I don't cry, But that doesn't necessarily
mean I'm sad. Oh, I'm just grateful, grateful that I
didn't let my obstacles get the best me. I understand
(29:23):
what it is that I need to do, and I'm
going to do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna
keep trying to spread the word of God and just
not and and just let people know like no matter
no matter how long you straight away from God, y'all,
He's right there. He's waiting to listen to you. So, yeah,
(29:46):
make sure that your father win the podcast. It's available
on Spotify. iHeart Google podcasts. I think these are I'm
not sure how to pronounce it. It's if I'm a
lot of platforms. Y'all. Get to it, love y'all. The
next file
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning the end. This is Fighter
Resent Podcasts and I am your host, Chaz Man. Make
sure that you're following the podcast so you'll get a
notification when I post a new episode. I hope that
y'all had a great Thanksgiving and I know those who
are missing loved ones. It was a bit rough, but
(00:23):
you made it. This time of year is always hard
on me because this is around the time that my
life changed forever a whole nineteen years later, y'all, and
I still cry like the shit had been yesterday. So
actually i'm recording this this is today as a Thanksgiving,
(00:45):
which is November twenty fifth, which also makes it nineteen
years today that my mom and grandma has been gone.
So bear with me. This episod so y'all, because I
feel like I can do it, but a child at
any moment just what she could turn on and I
(01:06):
started crying. So just bear with me because this is
my third time trying to uh record this episode. But
this time of years always hard on me because of course,
like I said, my mom and grandma was in a
car accident and it died instantly. So but I wanna
(01:33):
I guess I wanna talk about. This is like a
meltal check in because a couple of weeks ago, my
back last weekend, I experienced a metal breakdown, and I
think it came from Okay, So, as I said on
(01:56):
my last episode, I I did have a habit of smoke,
and I used to be I used to live with
y'all like I used to s s uh used to
smoke every day. And you know, it went from me
just you know, sm smoke recreational purposes, you know. And
(02:20):
it started out as just smoking for fulling, you know,
just to trip and laugh, and then it turned into
and then I started to realize I was like dependent
on it, like I couldn't be calm or uh happy
without it, and so I don't wanna be that dependent
(02:41):
on weed. And so in which I've got I have?
I think I said it in an episode like after Grandady.
After my grand Dady passed, I you know, I had
to go get started own medication for depression and anxiety
over there, and and I haven't been taking it like
I'm supposed to, especially because I had the weed to
(03:02):
keep me calm. I felt like I was in a
good place. But when I realized that the weed was
really a distraction, like the weed was making The weed
was my escape. You know, I felt like when I smoked,
I didn't really have to deal with reality. I didn't
(03:29):
really have to deal with me not being where I
wanna be in life. So Saturday, November nineteenth, that was
my first official day of Cleveland, right, So mind y'all,
because I had been smoking, I have been taking my
(03:49):
medicine like I should, and my doctor said, like, you
should not just up and stop taking the medicine because
symptoms could be worse. So this that Saturday. Oh and
minds y'all. Tell the work he worked every day, but
he goes in early on Saturdays, so you know, it's
(04:10):
just me and the kids here, and I have no weed.
And mind you that I haven't been taking my mad
it sound like I should, So it seems like I
was already irritable. And then Jazzly, y'all, she's such a
crud baby, a wine baby, Like she just whines and
(04:31):
then she drives me crazy, like that shit drives me crazy, y'all,
Like what do you want? Like I can give her everything,
and it's just be like no, Like she's such a
difficult child, like I love her to deall y'all, because
I really believe that's how I was when I was
a kid. And it's just like I became like so overwhelmed.
(04:54):
It's cause, let me tell you something now, if you know,
you know that first day, after that first first day
of trying to quit, it's always the hardest. It sh
that first day is always the hardest because every time
you turn around, you you you think by rolling up
and you be like, damn, ain't got no where you
could fight through it. But every that first day is hard.
(05:14):
So it's like, on top of me being irritated as hell,
I have n't been taking my medicine and I don't
have him none of the smoke. I am forced to
take our own life sober and y'all. I just I
just Jans just kept doing shit that day like it's
like the devil. But know when you're trying to you
(05:36):
set a golver yourself when you try and stick to it,
and he will find any and everything to throw it
throw at you, to throw you off. And so I
just started to get this what it was. I began
I began to feel so overwhelmed and it was just
like I w I I got s just just anger
in me, and I just started to get this strong
(05:58):
urge to cut my hair, y'all, Like like I wanted
to shave my hair. I just had this real strong
edge urge to cut my hair. So I text my
bed spring and I was like, I got this strong
urge to cut my hair. And she was like, you know,
you know, don't look at your hair. Try finding something
and you know, to take your mind off it. Okay,
(06:22):
what did I end up doing? I think I end
up sc scrolling on Facebook, which, let me say, only
made it worse, I believe, because after so long a
s scrolling, I was just like if it. And then
I googled, like why do I have such just such
a strong urge to cut my hair? Like what is this?
(06:42):
And and I read somewhere where it could be the anxiety,
you know, the the feeling of just being overwhelmed, y'all.
I found my selss. I got in the mirror and
and so I'm just crying, breaking down, crying, y'all. I
get to cutting, and I cut my goddamn hair off.
(07:03):
And I'm not talking about no split ends cut. I
cut the shit off to where I look like a
cheek chier pet. I sh wish I had the little
hand and play y'all know those ch chier pets when
they that have been going up and let all the time. Yeah, ad,
But I I took it back there and I'm I'm
crying and cutting and it's just like, uh, but even
(07:26):
after I did it, well, cause I know a lot
of people asking me like, how did it? How did
you feel after you cut it? I don't even know
how I feel. I just know I don't know. It
looked like I made to start crying worse after I
cut it, because it's just like, dang, I got that,
I got that overwhelmed to I cut my damn hair.
(07:49):
But I wanna take this time out to uh address
to people who who may U I guess so it was.
I hope it is in the trigger warning for anybody,
but it's it just made me think about those who
are going through and they're thinking about harming themselves, and
(08:10):
it's like in that moment when you become so overwhelmed,
it's like you take it too far and then and
I know me cutting my hair and people come in
suicide does not compare, y'all. But what I'm saying, is
that feeling of uh, that feeling that comes over you
(08:30):
before you wanna do it. Now. I have never attempted
to take my life, but uh, it was just in
that moment, I'm like, I wanna cut my hair, and
then then like once I started cutting, I knew it
was too late. You get what I'm saying. So it's
like I think about people who are dealing with those
suicide of thoughts. It's like, if you know somebody who
(08:52):
who who is dealing with those thoughts, y'all, please try
to uh be their form, but not judge them or
make them feel bad for even feeling that way. Just
offer them some type of comfort. Because in that moment
where I took it too far and cut my hair,
I realized it's too late, so I couldn't do nothing.
(09:16):
But imagine, you know, the people who take their lives
or they cut they rids or jump from a bridge
that that before they hit the ground or before they
you know, cross over, It's like, do they feel like
I took it too far? You know, and then you
can't take it back? You know, in my case, hair
(09:38):
rot back. But it was just like it scared me
that I got that upset if you get what I'm saying,
so if you're following me, and so I cut my
hair and I'm just like I went in there and
I showed my son and he couldn't even believe it.
He was like, why would you do that? And he
(10:00):
was like, well, don't let me see it, like he
was so disappointed. But it was just I just couldn't
fight the urge and I thought maybe it would bring
me some relief, but it did not. Off the back,
and I had said I wasn't gonna even tell Terry,
I think I end up telling. Well, I did end
up telling him. We actually had a whole conversation where
(10:23):
I broke down again because for as long as I
can remember, y'all, I have always been like so hard
on myself. I feel like throughout life, I've always done
the bare minimum to get back, even from high school,
like I barely passed. Hey, I I remember high school.
(10:44):
I thought I wasn't gonna graduate. MS. You had me
thinking I wasn't gonna graduate, but I got on the
body there. But it's y'all, just feel like I always
did the bare minimum, and now that I continued to
go through life, I still feel like I'm doing the
bar minimum, you know, And and I know that it's
(11:08):
me just being hard on myself. I think we are
our toughest critics. We can be so hard on ourselves, y'all.
But I'm here to tell you that you're doing good.
You're doing the best that you can and it's good enough.
And I talked to a girl that I went to
school with the night I uh cut my hair, and
(11:30):
we had a great conversation, and I was just telling her,
you know, she was actually the one that remind me, like, Jaz,
you you've always been like hard on yourself like that,
And I'm like, I know, I don't even know why
I'm even I'm hard on my kids, you know. And
so I was just telling her, it's like, I have
(11:51):
my associates, and I graduate next year in June with
my bachelor's. But it's like, I don't I don't think
of it as a big deal because it's like, what now,
what can I do with it? What good is excuse me,
y'all be doing it? You know, Like, what good is it?
(12:11):
I even wanted to quit school because what's the point. Wait,
what's the point? What's really the point? Even with my podcast,
Like I put it off and I'm like, I'm not
gonna get any listeners, No way, I'm gonna get the
same a few listeners anyway, So like, what's the point
of me, uh promoting the podcast? What's the point of
becomes of putting uh episodes out? If if people hadn't
(12:32):
even listened to the first episode? Uh, but y'all is
like that Sunday, I woke up feeling relieved. I felt like,
this is my chance to kind of like start over
and uh just try to refocus, you know. And I
(12:57):
and I told myself, like James ben dz Are the
is that you need to get done and then once
these things are accomplished, if you wanna go and grab
your little blunt, you can. But I really hope that
at the end of at the end of this gold
that I meet, I hope that I won't even wanna smoke,
you know what I'm saying. And it's only because and
(13:20):
if I do, it'll it won't be how I was,
you know, just smoking for the hill of the smoking,
wake up smoking just to start me on my day.
So I want nobody to piss me off, you know,
smoking in the middle of the day because the kids
can piss me off smoking at night, they help me
go to see I don't want it to be that
way if I'm gonna do it, and which I don't,
(13:41):
I don't even care about y'all judge me. I ain't
even being honest because I'm not saying we're gonna quit forever.
But while I'm on this little path right here, I
feel like it's a a distraction and I just wanna
I don't know, I'm all over the past. I can't
(14:02):
even think straight, y'all, I really can't. I'm trying to
push through this episode. I really feel like God has
a purpose for me. God has something. God spoke this
(14:28):
over my life. I believe. When I was young, I
just always feel like I had to be a I
(14:50):
always felt like I had to be a certain way
for God to use me. But I was listening to
somebody live and the guy was a millister and he
said something that really stuck out to me. He said, God,
(15:13):
just that call the equipped, he equips the call, and
they really like touched my spirit because when I first
lost my mama and grandma, I just remember asking, like
(15:36):
even at twelve, I remember asking God, like, what is
your what is your reasoning? And I know they said,
of course, God, I haven't read it. I'm'a be honest.
I don't feel like a singer is held against me
if I don't know or I hadn't seen it for myself,
cause I can't trust everybody. I can't trust everybody where
(15:56):
if I hadn't read it. And I ask God at
twelve years old, like what's what was the purpose are
you taking my mama and my grandma? M y'all excuse me,
(16:26):
I'm tired of pause in the episode, so I'm just
gonna try to push the I just remember asking God,
like what is your purpose? Like why why would you
do this? Like I don't, I don't get it. And
like I told y'all in one of my old episodes,
like as my mama died, I really stopped believing in
(16:46):
God because I remember when I found out about the
man in the accident, I ran outside praying like Lord,
don't let them be dead. And then I find out
the next day that they aren't dead. Then it's like,
what was the point of me even praying? Like so
you didn't hear me, It's God, not real. But even
(17:06):
during that little phase while I stopped believing God. It
wasn't long and I had to come on and make
my way on back. And it's like, as I continue
to go through life and I lost loved ones, the
more I realized, like God has a purpose for me
(17:27):
that's bigger than what I can see right now. And
I just feel like the weed was a distraction to
Like I said it, it was just my escape to
just to keep me from focusing on the big picture. Y'all.
I wanna read one of my devotions and the title
(17:53):
of it is finding Courage. It says life could be
difficult and discouraging at times. During that darkest moments, we
can depend upon our friends and family and upon God.
When we do, we find the courage to face even
in the darkest days, with hopeful hearts and willing hands.
Elinori Roosevelt advised you gain strength, courage, and confidence by
(18:15):
every great experience in which you really stop to look
fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself,
I live through this horror. I can take the next
thing that comes along. You must do the thing you
think you cannot do. So the next time you feel
courage tested to your limit, remember that you're probably stronger
(18:37):
than you think. And remember, with you, your friends, your family,
and your God all working together, you have nothing to fear.
And I do feel like I been running away from
(18:57):
my real objective here y'all, and that's to tell people
about God. I am not I'm not a preacher, uh millister,
no prophet or nothing like that. But I do feel
like God wants to use me to spread his words.
I think we've so we've been so caught up and
(19:20):
like back in the day, you know what I'm saying, Like,
I think a lot of those uh quote quote church
people have scared al uh a lot of the young
people away from religion because they have made it seem
like you got to be a hundred percent perfect to
(19:41):
be able to work for God. But that is not true.
I I honestly feel like people put uh pastors and
ministis and and and wo men and women of God
on their pedalstal like they're himing just like us. People
are so quick to shoot down the pasta and who
the pennscl was that now saying my pelt. I'm just
(20:01):
saying pastors in general, they're so quick to shoot down
the pastor the hell you ain't even living right, you
taking you a shot here and there. So it's just
like people put these pastors on such a high pedal
stal like they're God and they're not. They are not
They're human. And so for the longest I kept thinking
(20:22):
God couldn't use me because I love to cuss, y'all.
Y'all know they hey, y'all cuss in the podcast. I
try not to because I have to make put the
you know, mark it explicit when it's really not explicit.
But I am you know, I could use some bad
language sometimes. But for the longest, I felt like God
couldn't use me because I wasn't where I needed to be,
(20:45):
you know. But that is not true. That's just not true.
Form your own relationship with God and he would know
your heart. Y'all. I don't, uh, I don't go to
church like I used to, but I have my own
relationship with God. I can have church in here. I
(21:05):
feel like I'm having church now, you know. If if
if we wanna be technical, if you go to first
Chronicles twenty eight and twenty it says be strong and
courageous and do the work. Don't be afraid or discouraged
for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He
won't leave you or forsake you. God is right there, y'all.
(21:27):
He's been there the whole time, but he wanna see
where you're headed. He's there. Use him, y'all. So many
time we feel like, uh, we have to take on
these situations alone. God's right there, and we say we
know what he's capable of doing, and we say we
(21:50):
know how good God is in the miracles he worked with.
Do we one hundred percent stand on that? Do we
have faith that God gonna see us through our darkest time?
Like I just ran into devotion recalling moment where you
thought you wasn't gonna make it out, and it look
(22:11):
at you now. When my mom and grandma died, y'all,
I thought about killing myself. I did not wanna go
on in life because I knew seeing people with their
mama was triggering for me. I didn't wanna go through
life without my mama. You know, I really didn't. It
was so hard for the longest, but you look at
(22:35):
me now. I got through it Granddaddy. Where Granddaddy died,
that was a very dark time, and in that moment,
I felt like I wasn't gonna be able to shake
out of that depress, that depression. So it's like when
when I'm hit with situations now, y'all, I try my
best to just stop and think on how God brought
(22:59):
me out some of the darkest times in my life
and talking, like I said, I was talking to a
girl I went to school with, and she was just saying,
how you know she looking life different? Now, you know,
you gotta put faith in God, y'all. We can't say
(23:20):
we trust him and then we're acting a different way
and we still worrying about things. So I feel like
when I had that not to break down on November
the nineteen, I felt like it it came about because
I wasn't putting my my trust all the way in God.
(23:43):
You get what I'm saying. So now when I I
I think about smoking, I pick up the Bible, I
pick up my d my devotion, which is a heart
of great Uh. I picked that U. I I get
on the on the app, on the on my little
(24:07):
app and record uh. I try to make content for
social media. I got a notebook where I jot down
a little encouraging words. I go on Canva and c
create little quotes and stuff. I try to flip it
into a positive y'all. And and I'll say I won't
say that it's easy, because once the devil people what
(24:27):
you what you trying to do, he is going to
try everything in his power to get you to backtrack.
Since November nineteenth, y'all, I swear it seemed like Jasmine
has gotten worse in her behavior. But I've recognized that
the devil is going through my kids to get me
(24:48):
to start smoking, and that's gonna throw off everything that
I got going. I won't give in. And once the
devil realize that you're not giving in, he'll gone by
his damn business. So I'm just like with this podcast,
this episode, y'all. I've had to restart it several times.
I'm not even sure if I'll put this episode out,
(25:10):
but I feel better because I got it out. I
got it out, and now I am, y'all. I'm working
for God, and I just hope that this episode touches
somebody and encourage somebody. You can do it. Stop being
(25:35):
so hard on yourself. Talk to somebody. If you're feeling
like you know, you're tired of life, it's time of living.
Talk to somebody. Talk to somebody. That you trust, talk
to your your pastor uh go see a therapist. Please
don't think a therapist or a psychologist is somebody who
(25:58):
was gonna read you your rights, read you down, uh
judge you. It is not like that, y'all. If you
do not have a therapist, if you got insurance, try
to find you somebody except your insurance, y'all, it's worth it.
The therapist is not substitute praying, getting on your knees
(26:19):
talking to God. Uh, prioritizing God. On those nights you
can't sleep and you tals in time, get on. There's
God telling you to get on up and talk to me. God,
don't sh show us so many signs that he wants
us to talk to him. Talk to him. I know
(26:41):
a lot of people, uh like my steps. He was
just saying like he didn't know how to pray, y'all.
Prayer is simply just talking to God. I talk to
God like I'm seeing her talking to y'all. Now, this
is how I talk to him. And it doesn't feel
like old Father, where all thou and it's this is
not like that, y'all. Talk to him, talk to him,
(27:05):
give him his praise. Let him know that you know
that he got you. Because he does. You wouldn't you
wouldn't have made it this far. And so you're doing good.
I don't know who needs to hear it, but you're
doing good. If you even wanna start a podcast and
(27:27):
you know, just a outlet to to let it out,
do so, it's very easy. You can if you have
a laptop, you can down, uh download the spreaker. No,
what is this? What is this f coop using? I'm
thinking it's called s spreaker s p R e a
(27:48):
k e R And you go on there and set
you an account and from there you can record, and
it also sends your podcast out to different platforms. Get
your note book, write it out. But it's somebody out
there who's waiting to hear your story. I think that's it, y'all.
(28:13):
I'm gonna wrap it up because uh huh, I am
a be emotional, but I'm not sad. It's just like
I said around this time, I'm always kind of on
the fence and I'm not want to ignore my feelings.
You know, I'm not gonna tell you, you know, or
(28:35):
tell somebody like, oh well to do something to take
your mind off it. No, I want to reminisce on
the memories that I had with my mom and grandma.
I used to stay to look back on just how
far I came. There was time where like I literally
would cry the whole day of the twenty fifth. But
(28:59):
this year, I feel like, I feel like this year
is probably the best year I've done with it. Yeah,
I j I I don't cry, But that doesn't necessarily
mean I'm sad. Oh, I'm just grateful, grateful that I
didn't let my obstacles get the best me. I understand
(29:23):
what it is that I need to do, and I'm
going to do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna
keep trying to spread the word of God and just
not and and just let people know like no matter
no matter how long you straight away from God, y'all,
He's right there. He's waiting to listen to you. So, yeah,
(29:46):
make sure that your father win the podcast. It's available
on Spotify. iHeart Google podcasts. I think these are I'm
not sure how to pronounce it. It's if I'm a
lot of platforms. Y'all. Get to it, love y'all. The
next file
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