Mom Guilt

I am currently reading Motherhood without Guilt by Debra Rosenberg. Is motherhood without guilt even possible?

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning in to Fight You Vision podcast.
I'm your host, jazz Man. This is my first episode
and the new year, so happy New Year. It don't
matter that it's small. I don't worry about that. I'm
here now, but I've actually recorded episode. I just wasn't
I just wasn't fat. I just wasn't satisfied with them,

(00:24):
just because I really got totally I got so off topic.
And y'all know I'm good for getting off track, but
I just felt like I was all over the place
because I had I have been trying to make it
a habit toil, like when I'm real upset or whatever,
just just start a record. And yeah, I just didn't
feel like it was fit to put out. But I

(00:47):
did feel better after I recorded it because it's I
kind of like got it out, but I just chose
not to share that with the world. But I'm here now,
so yeah, hey, make sure you follow in the pod.
Follow my Instagram jazz Craft twenty one, and y'all, I'm
s I'm tryna get my little YouTube channel up and
running too, so gone over there and follow my oh dug,

(01:09):
cause shit, I don't even know. Okay, it's j jazz
bland shit. I guess so yeah, type in type in
jazz Bland. I guess it's my YouTube junger shit. Whatever.
If you find it, follow it. If you don't, then
you don't go back. But I had been meaning to
do this episode on it's and it had something to

(01:31):
do with parenting. It deals with parenting and and cheerdren
and and raising kids and all that good stuff like that.
Of course, when I first became a mom, when I
was pregnant Wigitaror, I was so scared and nervous. I
didn't know the first thing about babies. I I I
was uh. I was scared that my coaching hole was
gonna spread so far. I I just had a whole

(01:53):
bunch of wild thoughts in my head when I got
pregnant with my son. Then when I got pregnant with
my daughter, well, I had concerns, but they were so different.
I worry, you know, would I be able to s
you know, be able to love on them both equally.
I kind of feared that vegetarian wouldn't well, I felt

(02:16):
like vegetarian w would feel I don't know, like people
were just telling me, like, well, don't be surprised if
if you know, he get the acting out more, you know,
because he wanted the attention, and so that was one
thing that kind of really was top of my list.
It's like, okay, am I still gonna be able to vegetarian?

(02:39):
You know, the attention he needs. And also of course
this is a baby, so she needs most of my attention.
So it was just different concerns that I had when
I got pregnant with Jazz. Now, it was a post
I saw on Facebook and it was like this girl
was like, why aren't these kids or shit? She said,

(03:00):
why these kids ain't talking until they are four? What's
going on? Now? Initially I did get offended because Jason
is three and I think she is right. Yes, okay,
cat boy, okay she she tee that was he that

(03:21):
she come in here trying to act like the Teddebell
talking so Mike, Okay. So when I read that post,
I initially got offended, right because I'm like, dang, you know,
Jazz is three and she's she's not she's talking, of course,
like she's saying words, but as far as like, you know,
actually having good dialogue with her and when we can

(03:43):
have a conversation she's not quite there yet, and so
I immediately started to feel guilty because I'm like her,
what is really going on? Like why why isn't she talking?
You know, at this point, and I got to, of
course be myself up just looking at like, Dang, I
didn't I feel like I didn't put in the time

(04:05):
with jazz Man that I put in with Vegetarian. And
although Getarian wasn't talking, he wasn't talking it too, but
he he started daycare when he was two years old,
and I think after a few months, Vegetarian was, you know,
he was talking, And I guess it's what I thought
with Jazz and Jame's been in daycare for a while now,

(04:27):
and like even when I talk to the teachers or
the people that work there, they say, Jazz is more open,
you know, she's she's opening up more, because I do
think when she first started she was a little shy,
and I still sh she's still a little shy. But
once that help forget comfortable. I told him, I said, y'all,
when she really gets comfortable with y'all, y'all gonna see

(04:49):
what I've been saying. But and Y say beat up?
He beat up? Who beat him? Up my sad much.
They beat up he beat the monster up egglastic. Oh okay.

(05:10):
They was just telling me, like, uh, I think the
cook the us. This was last week. I was talking
to the cook and she was like, oh yeah, I've
been trying to get her to talk to the little
kids more because you know, she'll just be sitting there,
or you know, she'll play by herself or and I'm like, yo,
I do think like she's shy or whatever. But as
far as like, uh, interacting and and participating and stuff

(05:32):
like that, like they said, she's been participating, but like
when it's circle time and they're reading stories or whatever.
Ja they said, Jazz mind be all over the place.
She playing with a fingers, playing with a shirt. And
that's something that I've noticed too, even at home. It's
like it's hard to get her to sit down and
actually like go through the work like I did with

(05:53):
you telling when he was a kid. You know, I
try to use some of those messas, and no, ma'am,
they don't go for her. It don't. That shit don't
apply to Jazz. Because I find in myself changing up
the whole little, uh, the whole little aspect of learning
with her because I have to get on her level
and teach her in a way that she'll understand, meaning

(06:15):
like I have to go in there and play with
the toys. Uh you know, that's that's discussed the clues
and and and with this item eels and I had
to go through her that approach. So after I really
and I sat down and I just thought about it.
Of course I got to feeling guilty. Uh uh. It
really got me feeling bad because actually, when Jazz was two,

(06:36):
I had a little concern about her being autistic. So
I did get her evaluated that came out to the
house and Jazz did very well, and the lady was
telling me. She was like, well, the only thing that
I can see is just the speech delay, you know,
But she was like, everything else she understands well. And

(06:57):
I'm like, okay, well I feel better. But now knowing
it's just you know, her being difficult, but now that
she's getting older and she's around more kids, I am
seeing improvement. But I had to realize that I can't
beat myself up about that. You get what I'm saying,

(07:18):
because I know I did the best that I could,
especially with you know, trying to teach her ABC's and
colthes and things like that, because, like I said, and
a matter of fact, j Terian just started first grade
last year in August, so I had them both at
home and trying to homeschool him and then have a

(07:41):
curriculum for jazzmin y'all. It literally drove me crazy. And
it's like, man, I can't wait to put his ass
in school. So it was definitely a relief once he
started school because then I felt like I could focus
more on her. But child, that shit was at the window.
Jazz gave me so much hell when me and her

(08:03):
was at this house, I'm talking about you. No, she
don't want to sit down. She going to do this
if I make her sit down, she hollering. So I
got to go one head and let her do whatever
she wanted to do. But I'm just here for any parent.
I'm not gonna say mothers, but just any parent that

(08:24):
it's beating themselves up or you're feeling guilty about certain things.
It's okay when you know you're doing the best that
you you know how you know what I'm saying, and
your kids know that you love them, and you know
that you've trying and you're trying to your best to

(08:44):
teach them and raise them. It's okay. I actually picked
up a book, y'all. This this, this is how bad
like my guilty is with my kids because my patience
is very short, and sometimes I can get overwhelmed. Just
have the housework to do or gotta cook, gotta clean,
uh you know, do have work on homework, my own

(09:06):
school work. It is a lot. It could be stressful
and very overwhelming. And when you're already agitated, and then
if people comes to ads and stuff. Only when I
say people, I mean my my little family. When people
comes to add no, can you do this? Can you do?
They asking me question, asking me, senla, ask questions. Did
all you had to do was just kind of like
look around. You could have found the ancer your self.

(09:27):
It kind of just kind of like let me tick,
y'all know what I mean. Hell, So this book that
I'm reading is called Motherhood Without Guilt, and I just
wanted to read this little piece here cause I was like, damn,
this this makes so much sense. Let me see. Okay.

(09:47):
It said if a mother tries to do everything right
to be this impossible ideal, that means she is a
is dancing alone in lockstep to her child, holding her
child close, or letting her child dance independently, loving her child,
and finding her child fascinating, even when the child doesn't
look or behave as she had expected, or despite the

(10:10):
child pursuing interest that bought her silly, and always in
perfect accordance with the child needs at any given moment,
regardless of her own needs. And if these goals weren't
challenging enough. At the same time, she is maintaining her
relationship with her life partner, she is trying to be
a good daughter to Asian parents, nurturing friendships, maybe holding

(10:31):
down the job, and keeping the house comfortable and food available.
While she is doing all that, she is trying to
hold on to her own identity, find her own interests,
seek entertainment, and otherwise figure out how to get alone
and be the kind of person she wants to be. Inevitably,
all these goals sometimes collide. If that ain't the truth

(10:54):
all of that, in that sense, it is so true,
And I think that it's my biggest struggle now, iron
struggle with my own identity, because I have become so
consumed with my kids and my husband, my family, the
house is that I am starting to and I think,
I think that's why I get so irritated. It's because, like, damn,
you know, get out the house, get our hobby outside

(11:17):
of this house, you know, get in the car and
go somewhere. I think I get, you know what. I
just came to that realization as I'm talking. I think
the reason I get so goddamned irritated it because I
don't get out this damn house at or I don't
uh put my foot down and ensure that I get

(11:40):
a break and sure that this house stays clean and
make sure y'all don't bother me. But how like, I
don't know how do I do that? How? How do I?
I don't know? Y'all? My friend aks me. There I go,
getting off topic, But I'm gonna say this real quick,
cause my time is running down. But me and my
friend talk and she aksed me what I think about?

(12:04):
She asked me, have I ever explored struggles with control?
The struggles with being in control? And y'all, after I
did like some research and listened to other little different
therapies of video, I I that may be that missing
piece that I couldn't somehow figure out. It's because I

(12:27):
like to be in control sh sh. I think she
explained it very well, like why I feel this way,
an a. And after she told me that, I started
to just I started to just observe my own my
own self. I started to to pay attention to right
when I got triggered, you know, or right when I

(12:49):
got irritated. Okay, stop what let's back of what happened
in between these seconds that made you just irritable? Oh?
Is it because the kids didn't do They ain't do
what you say, do you know? Or they didn't do
it how you wanna do? Like I can fuss all
day about cleaning up, and my kids are going there
and they'll clean up because now Mama just turned into
the incredible hook that's getting here and clean the dipper

(13:11):
room upe. But then I'm already on tenre right, So
I go in there and it's not clean the way
I won't it. I don't even acknowledge it being clean.
It's still dirtus to me. And now I'm even more
angry because it ain't done how I want it to
be done. It's crazy and even with terror, if I'm
cleaned up and tear it bag here laying down, baby,

(13:35):
you the thing I can blow five my mouth. I
be so mad because get up, get up and do something,
act like you, hippi. I just get mad all over
you know, I get mad all over all over again.
Get help up and clean me. But deep down, I
really don't want them to clean up, because y'all don't
clean the way I want it to be clean. I
don't know that, but see that's what I'm saying. I

(13:56):
know that's confusing. Imagine what the hell going on in
my brain? My I be so uh my brain be
so uh over stimulated, like it's crazy. But AnyWho, I
only got about I got about forty seconds left, y'all.
But I already feel better now that I've let that
and released that. Yeah. So make sure you follow my instagram,

(14:19):
j A S t R A F T twenty one,
Jazz Crap twenty one on Instagram, Jazz Bland on YouTube,
and make sure you follow me this podcast see y'a