July 1, 2022 • 9 mins
We are in control of what makes us happy. I am regaining my control and taking the steps to get back to that peaceful space....
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning the end. This is my
t resenting podcasts. If you haven't got caught up on
my episode, please take time out to do so. Make
sure that you're following the podcast and if you're on Instagram,
uh follow my Instagram and jazz cut Up twenty one.
This episode is new me who is On the last episode,
(00:25):
I was just talking about how my heart was heavy
and I felt like I had lost myself, you know,
after having kids and you know, just so many changes
in my life or whatever. I just felt like I
kind of put my s myself on the back burner
for far too long, and I feel like I don't
even know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong,
(00:48):
you know, I don't hate my life or nothing like that,
but I wanna get back to that place. Well not
not even that place, but I want that happiness back
that you know, I had before this moment. And what
I mean by that is just I had a theraposition
today and I was kind of like talking to her
(01:10):
about it, and she was saying, like, what is it
gonna take for you to feel, you know, like that happiness?
And then I'm like, you know what, when I think
about it. I'll say, back when I was you know,
I got my first apartment, you know, I was there
by myself, and I think, y'all, that was probably my
(01:32):
like my anxiety went there bad, depression went there bad,
you know when I think back, and that was probably
like at my my happ my happiest. And when I
say that is it's just like, you know, I took
pride in my parent, my appearance and you know, stuff
like that. And it's just like I said in the
other episode, it's like after I had kids, I just
(01:54):
or after I had my son, I still w you know,
trying to keep myself up a little bit, but it
was like really w at the jazz ill it was
a I think like when I got pregnant with Jazz,
I was just now was like trying to get back
into the floor a thing. Then poof, I'm pregnant again.
So that sent me into a depression. But you know,
(02:15):
we was talking about that the other time, but y'all
was reading my devotion and the the not of the devotion.
The title of that particular one was a new name
and then just speak on you know, like have you
been labeled all your life by you know, certain names
or But for me, what I took from it is, uh,
(02:38):
have I been labeling myself? You know? Have I been
putting myself down all the time? You know, I won't
say my family, you know, I'm talking about my husband, kid.
I won't say they don't show me appreciation. But have
I been feeling unworthy? You know? Like have I been
the one putting myself down? And I think that's the case,
(03:00):
Like I've been discouraging myself. I could look around and
it so easy for me to put the blame on
other people. Oh I ain't got the support or I
ain't got nobody to do this and got to do
But at the end of the day, it's me who
put myself down. And so like all of that is
at the door now, you know, after I really sat down,
I'm thinking like l once again, like I said in
(03:21):
the last episode, like who stopping me from doing this stuff?
Like if I want to go out to eat, you
hand me the drink? Like who who? No one stops
me from doing it? You know, Like I gotta get back,
and I keep saying getting back. I don't want the
old me. I wanna knew me. I wanna but you know,
like my therapist said, I can go and think back on,
(03:44):
you know, back in those moments, back when I was
living by myself, Like what were some of the key
things I can remember that made me happy? And of
course the first thing to come to mind because in
the midst of the session, Jazz got her own thing
going on. So first time was quiet, peace and quiet,
that quiet time that I had, Like I know most
(04:05):
people would think like livingbody elself, come home and just
boring or you scared who y'all enjoyed that time? Like
I would come home and I worked there the in
the uh assistant living so you know, I gotta come
home and strip out them clothes in the shower, y'all.
I didn't cook back then, so I even both see
her hot piking and it was just put me a
(04:28):
movie on, y'all. And I really did enjoy that, like
just that quiet time. And now that I'm at home
with my kids all the time, it's like you don't
get that quad time. Jazz don't take naps, not like that.
So it's like she up and on my heill the
entire day. My son, you know, he gotta do his
own thing, but he come out with y'all. Some of
(04:49):
the questions, it'd be like, huh, Wall, how do you
even think of some of these questions? I don't know.
I don't have an answer to this, but like that
was the first thing that came to mind, was like,
I n I don't have that peace and quiet no more.
And then another thing, like I said I thought about,
was it's like I just don't even care about my
appearance no more. Like you know, I don't want a
(05:09):
T shirt jeans that be it? You know, like I
don't really shock for myself. I don't know. And then
you know, I think I may said in one episode,
how I feel guilty if I do stuff for myself.
But see, that's where I got to start, Like, honey,
I deserve it, and that's why I'm saying that devotion.
It was like, have you been labeled these names for
too long? Like have you been putting yourself down for
(05:32):
too long? Yeah? You have, so now it's time to
shift and you deserve it. Think about all the stuff
you'd have been through, all the time that you came
through for people, and you were wondering, like god, no,
I you.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Know, I try to do the right thing, but stuff
just keep happening to me, you know, or I can't
excuse me, y'all, or I just can't seem to to
get on top.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
You see what I'm saying. We have to learn to
start putting our our needs from I'm saying, before we
can take care of anybody else, we gotta take care
of herself, because if I'm not taking care of myself,
then I ain't gonna be no count to take care
of the next person. My kids, and I love them
with my life, but I can't do for them if
(06:17):
I'm not doing good, meaning if I'm not putting my
mental health first, or doing the things that I like
to do, with the things that you know genuinely makes
me happy as a person, not as a wife or
a mother, but as a person, because you know, as
my own individual self and my own individual personal hobbies.
You know what I'm saying, Like tell it, go and
(06:39):
kick it with his friend. He don't go out to
the clubs and thing like that. We may go to
the casino, they'll tracks stuff like that. But you got
me on the other end, I don't do none of
that because, for one, you got my best friends stay
in Mississippi and oh, y'all, I went out for drinks
and hookah uh this past weekend with my friend quite.
She she he does my hair, but I hadn't been
(07:02):
over there. Let her comb my head and so long,
that's my time, Like I haven't had my hair done.
The last time I had my hairdunb was for my
birthday last year. My cousin did it, and then she
did it put my wed in May. But like before then, y'all,
I can't tell y'all last time, like I got my
hair done, so quai. It's the girl who first started
doing my hair when I moved to Memphis. But I
(07:22):
reached out to him, like real, let's go for drinks.
See y'all. That was a start. It was like, you
know what, finally I'm going out. I I don't care
tell your get off. I'm'a start her getting dressed. I
called her. I was like, look, hey, let's let's go
off the drink and she was like, alright, I find
the spot and then it was the cutest little spot y'all.
And I hadn't deal uh hooku and so long. It
(07:44):
was just relaxing, you know, just to get out and
and and have a dope conversation. You know, life conversation
was it it? It just felt it felt good getting
out enjoying myself. You know, I got in your little
bottle of ramming. She had her bottle of heavy stick,
and I wasn't even jok y'all, Like I feel good.
I didn't go out to get drunk. I went just
to just relax. And I want to do that more because,
(08:09):
like I was saying, how can I take care of
anybody else if I'm not taking care of myself first?
So you know, it's gonna be some changes around here
for these kids and my hood. I love them, y'all,
but it's gonna be some changes. I'm setting some boundaries.
I gotta, you know, I gotta look out for me.
(08:30):
But that's all, y'all. My throat dry, I'm thirsty or
some but and I'm kind of wishman. Maybe I hope
y'all can hear me. I know I'm talking kind of
low because Jesus is in there on the floor sleep
and honey, well, she's whatever she gos slee If I
let her stay there, I don't wanna bother her. I
don't wanna wake her up. And that's why I'm gone
(08:52):
here and wrap this episode up. Y'all, please go and
catch up on the episodes. Make sure you're following the
podcast and if y'all instagram, follow my Instagram A jazz
Crap twenty one. Y'all, Tell somebody about the podcast, send
'em the leak, screenshot it, send it, honey. If they
don't listen to it just one episode, they's fine. Look
through the list and see which one thing. Let me
(09:13):
see where one Jai probably talking about something it don't hatt.
Just check it out. If you like it, follow it
till somebody tell you. Ain't to them, ain't mam and
them Until next time, y'all See y
Hey, y'all, thanks for tuning the end. This is my
t resenting podcasts. If you haven't got caught up on
my episode, please take time out to do so. Make
sure that you're following the podcast and if you're on Instagram,
uh follow my Instagram and jazz cut Up twenty one.
This episode is new me who is On the last episode,
(00:25):
I was just talking about how my heart was heavy
and I felt like I had lost myself, you know,
after having kids and you know, just so many changes
in my life or whatever. I just felt like I
kind of put my s myself on the back burner
for far too long, and I feel like I don't
even know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong,
(00:48):
you know, I don't hate my life or nothing like that,
but I wanna get back to that place. Well not
not even that place, but I want that happiness back
that you know, I had before this moment. And what
I mean by that is just I had a theraposition
today and I was kind of like talking to her
(01:10):
about it, and she was saying, like, what is it
gonna take for you to feel, you know, like that happiness?
And then I'm like, you know what, when I think
about it. I'll say, back when I was you know,
I got my first apartment, you know, I was there
by myself, and I think, y'all, that was probably my
(01:32):
like my anxiety went there bad, depression went there bad,
you know when I think back, and that was probably
like at my my happ my happiest. And when I
say that is it's just like, you know, I took
pride in my parent, my appearance and you know, stuff
like that. And it's just like I said in the
other episode, it's like after I had kids, I just
(01:54):
or after I had my son, I still w you know,
trying to keep myself up a little bit, but it
was like really w at the jazz ill it was
a I think like when I got pregnant with Jazz,
I was just now was like trying to get back
into the floor a thing. Then poof, I'm pregnant again.
So that sent me into a depression. But you know,
(02:15):
we was talking about that the other time, but y'all
was reading my devotion and the the not of the devotion.
The title of that particular one was a new name
and then just speak on you know, like have you
been labeled all your life by you know, certain names
or But for me, what I took from it is, uh,
(02:38):
have I been labeling myself? You know? Have I been
putting myself down all the time? You know, I won't
say my family, you know, I'm talking about my husband, kid.
I won't say they don't show me appreciation. But have
I been feeling unworthy? You know? Like have I been
the one putting myself down? And I think that's the case,
(03:00):
Like I've been discouraging myself. I could look around and
it so easy for me to put the blame on
other people. Oh I ain't got the support or I
ain't got nobody to do this and got to do
But at the end of the day, it's me who
put myself down. And so like all of that is
at the door now, you know, after I really sat down,
I'm thinking like l once again, like I said in
(03:21):
the last episode, like who stopping me from doing this stuff?
Like if I want to go out to eat, you
hand me the drink? Like who who? No one stops
me from doing it? You know, Like I gotta get back,
and I keep saying getting back. I don't want the
old me. I wanna knew me. I wanna but you know,
like my therapist said, I can go and think back on,
(03:44):
you know, back in those moments, back when I was
living by myself, Like what were some of the key
things I can remember that made me happy? And of
course the first thing to come to mind because in
the midst of the session, Jazz got her own thing
going on. So first time was quiet, peace and quiet,
that quiet time that I had, Like I know most
(04:05):
people would think like livingbody elself, come home and just
boring or you scared who y'all enjoyed that time? Like
I would come home and I worked there the in
the uh assistant living so you know, I gotta come
home and strip out them clothes in the shower, y'all.
I didn't cook back then, so I even both see
her hot piking and it was just put me a
(04:28):
movie on, y'all. And I really did enjoy that, like
just that quiet time. And now that I'm at home
with my kids all the time, it's like you don't
get that quad time. Jazz don't take naps, not like that.
So it's like she up and on my heill the
entire day. My son, you know, he gotta do his
own thing, but he come out with y'all. Some of
(04:49):
the questions, it'd be like, huh, Wall, how do you
even think of some of these questions? I don't know.
I don't have an answer to this, but like that
was the first thing that came to mind, was like,
I n I don't have that peace and quiet no more.
And then another thing, like I said I thought about,
was it's like I just don't even care about my
appearance no more. Like you know, I don't want a
(05:09):
T shirt jeans that be it? You know, like I
don't really shock for myself. I don't know. And then
you know, I think I may said in one episode,
how I feel guilty if I do stuff for myself.
But see, that's where I got to start, Like, honey,
I deserve it, and that's why I'm saying that devotion.
It was like, have you been labeled these names for
too long? Like have you been putting yourself down for
(05:32):
too long? Yeah? You have, so now it's time to
shift and you deserve it. Think about all the stuff
you'd have been through, all the time that you came
through for people, and you were wondering, like god, no,
I you.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Know, I try to do the right thing, but stuff
just keep happening to me, you know, or I can't
excuse me, y'all, or I just can't seem to to
get on top.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
You see what I'm saying. We have to learn to
start putting our our needs from I'm saying, before we
can take care of anybody else, we gotta take care
of herself, because if I'm not taking care of myself,
then I ain't gonna be no count to take care
of the next person. My kids, and I love them
with my life, but I can't do for them if
(06:17):
I'm not doing good, meaning if I'm not putting my
mental health first, or doing the things that I like
to do, with the things that you know genuinely makes
me happy as a person, not as a wife or
a mother, but as a person, because you know, as
my own individual self and my own individual personal hobbies.
You know what I'm saying, Like tell it, go and
(06:39):
kick it with his friend. He don't go out to
the clubs and thing like that. We may go to
the casino, they'll tracks stuff like that. But you got
me on the other end, I don't do none of
that because, for one, you got my best friends stay
in Mississippi and oh, y'all, I went out for drinks
and hookah uh this past weekend with my friend quite.
She she he does my hair, but I hadn't been
(07:02):
over there. Let her comb my head and so long,
that's my time, Like I haven't had my hair done.
The last time I had my hairdunb was for my
birthday last year. My cousin did it, and then she
did it put my wed in May. But like before then, y'all,
I can't tell y'all last time, like I got my
hair done, so quai. It's the girl who first started
doing my hair when I moved to Memphis. But I
(07:22):
reached out to him, like real, let's go for drinks.
See y'all. That was a start. It was like, you
know what, finally I'm going out. I I don't care
tell your get off. I'm'a start her getting dressed. I
called her. I was like, look, hey, let's let's go
off the drink and she was like, alright, I find
the spot and then it was the cutest little spot y'all.
And I hadn't deal uh hooku and so long. It
(07:44):
was just relaxing, you know, just to get out and
and and have a dope conversation. You know, life conversation
was it it? It just felt it felt good getting
out enjoying myself. You know, I got in your little
bottle of ramming. She had her bottle of heavy stick,
and I wasn't even jok y'all, Like I feel good.
I didn't go out to get drunk. I went just
to just relax. And I want to do that more because,
(08:09):
like I was saying, how can I take care of
anybody else if I'm not taking care of myself first?
So you know, it's gonna be some changes around here
for these kids and my hood. I love them, y'all,
but it's gonna be some changes. I'm setting some boundaries.
I gotta, you know, I gotta look out for me.
(08:30):
But that's all, y'all. My throat dry, I'm thirsty or
some but and I'm kind of wishman. Maybe I hope
y'all can hear me. I know I'm talking kind of
low because Jesus is in there on the floor sleep
and honey, well, she's whatever she gos slee If I
let her stay there, I don't wanna bother her. I
don't wanna wake her up. And that's why I'm gone
(08:52):
here and wrap this episode up. Y'all, please go and
catch up on the episodes. Make sure you're following the
podcast and if y'all instagram, follow my Instagram A jazz
Crap twenty one. Y'all, Tell somebody about the podcast, send
'em the leak, screenshot it, send it, honey. If they
don't listen to it just one episode, they's fine. Look
through the list and see which one thing. Let me
(09:13):
see where one Jai probably talking about something it don't hatt.
Just check it out. If you like it, follow it
till somebody tell you. Ain't to them, ain't mam and
them Until next time, y'all See y
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