November 22, 2025 • 32 mins
Join the absent-minded Earl of Emsworth as he inadvertently misplaces the pride of his scarab collection! American millionaire J. Preston Peters is offering a hefty $5000 reward for its safe return, but discretion is key—especially since Peters daughter is engaged to Emsworths son. Enter Joan Valentine and Ashe Marson, each determined to claim the reward; she as Aline Peters’ ladies maid and he as Mr. Peters’ valet. Their quest leads them to the grand Blandings Castle, where the ever-watchful Efficient Baxter poses a formidable challenge. This delightful caper is, in my humble opinion, one of Wodehouse’s most hilarious works. –Debra Lynn
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Chapter eleven, Part two, and chapter twelve of Something New.
This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
visit LibriVox dot org. Something New by P. G. Woodhouse,
(00:23):
Chapter eleven, Part two. Freddie was not the only person
who had found the influx of visitors into the sick
room a source of irritation.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
The fact that the.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Invalid seemed unable to get a moment to himself had
annoyed Ash considerably. For some little time, he had hung
about the passage in which Freddy's room was situated, full
of enterprise, but unable to make a forward move owing
to the throng of sympathizers. What he had to say
to the sufferer could not be said in the presence.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Of a third party.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Freddie's sensation on perceiving him was one of relief. He
had been half afraid it was the Bishop he recognized
ashe as the valet chappie who had helped him to
bed on the occasion of his accident. It might be
that he had come in a respectful way to make inquiries,
but he was not likely to stop long. He nodded
and went on reading, and then glancing up, he perceived
(01:19):
Ash standing beside the bed, fixing him with a piercing stare.
The Honorable Freddie hated piercing stairs.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
One of the.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Reasons why he objected to being left alone with his
future father in law, mister J. Preston Peters, was that
nature had given the millionaire a penetrating pair of eyes,
and the stress of business life in New York had
developed in him a habit of boring holes in people
with them. A young man had to have a stronger
nerve and a clearer conscience than the Honorable Freddy to
(01:50):
enjoy a tte a tape with mister Peters. Though he
accepted Aileen's father as a necessary evil, and recognized that
his position in him to look at people as sharply
as he liked, whatever their feelings, he would be hanged
if he was going to extend this privilege to mister
Peter's valet. This man standing beside him was giving him
(02:12):
a look that seemed, to his sensitive imagination to have
been fired red hot from a gun, and this annoyed
and exasperated Freddy.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
What do you want?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
He said, querulously, What are you staring at me like that.
For Ash sat down, leaned his elbows on the bed,
and applied the look again from a lower elevation. Ah,
he said, whatever may have been Ash's defects, so far
as the handling of the inductive reasoning side of Gridley,
Quayle's character was concerned. There was one scene in each
(02:44):
of his stories in which he never failed. That was
the scene in the last chapter where Quayle, confronting his quarry,
unmasked him. Quayle might have floundered in the earlier part
of the story, but in his big scene he was
exactly right. He was Kurt, crisp and mercilessly compelling. Ashe
(03:05):
rehearsing this interview in the passage before his entry, had
decided that he could hardly do better than model himself
on the detective.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So he began to.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Be Curt, crisp and mercilessly compelling to Freddy. And after
the first few sentences he had that use gasping for air.
I will tell you, he said, if you can spare
me a few moments of your valuable time, I will
put the facts before you. Yes, press that bell if
you wish, and I will put them before witnesses. Lord
Emsworth will no doubt be pleased to learn that his son,
(03:35):
whom he trusted, is a fiet. Freddy's hand fell limply,
the bell remained untouched, his mouth opened to its fullest extent.
In the midst of his panic, he had a curious
feeling that he had heard or read that last sentence
somewhere before. Then he remembered those very words occurred in
Gridley Quail Investigator, The Adventure.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Of the Blue Ruby.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
What what do you mean, he stammered.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I will tell you what I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
On Saturday night, a valuable scab was stolen from Lord
Emsworth's private museum. The case was put into my hands,
Great Scott, are you a detective.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Ah said Ash.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Life, as many a worthy writer has pointed out, is
full of ironies. It seemed to Freddy that here was
a supreme example of this fact. All these years he
had wanted to meet a detective, and now that his
wish had been gratified, the detective was detecting him. The case,
continued Ash severely, was placed in my hands. I investigated it.
(04:38):
I discovered that you were in urgent and immediate need
of money. How on earth did you do that, Ah
said Ash. I further discovered that you were in communication
with an individual named Jones. Good lord, how Aske smiled quietly.
Yesterday I had a talk with this man Jones, who
(04:59):
was staying in Marke. Why is he staying in Market
Blandings because he had a reason for keeping in touch
with you, because you were about to transfer to his
care something you could get possession of, but which only
he could dispose of, the scarab. The Honorable Freddy was
beyond speech. He made no comment on this statement, Ash continued.
(05:22):
I interviewed this man Jones. I said to him, I
am in the Honorable Frederick Threepwood's confidence. I know everything.
Have you any instructions for me? He replied, what do
you know? I answered, I know that the Honorable Frederick
Threepwood has something he wishes to hand to you, but
which he has been unable to hand to you, owing
to having had an accident and being confined to his room.
(05:45):
He then told me to tell you to let him
have the scarab. By messenger Freddie pulled himself together with
an effort. He was in sore straits, but he saw
one last chance. His researches in detective fiction had given
him the knowledge that detectives occasionally relaxed their austerity when
dealing with a deserving case. Even Gridley Quail could sometimes
(06:06):
be softened by a hard luck story. Freddy could recall
half a dozen times when a detected criminal had been
spared by him. Because he had done it all from
the best motives, he determined to throw himself on Ash's mercy.
I say, you know, he said, ingratiatingly. I think it's
bally marvelous the way you've deduced everything and so on. Well,
(06:30):
but I believe you would chuck it if you heard
my side of the case. I know your side of
the case. You think you are being blackmailed by a
Miss Valentine for some letters you once wrote her.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
You are not.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Miss Valentine has destroyed the letters. She told the man Jones,
so when he went to see her in London, he
kept your five hundred pounds and is trying to get
another thousand out of you under false pretenses. What you
can't be right? I am always right. You must be mistaken.
I am never mistaken. But how do you know I
(07:06):
have my sources of information? She isn't going to sue
me for breach of promise. She never had any intention
of doing so. The Honorable Freddy sank back on the pillows.
Good egg, he said.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
With fervor.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
He beamed happily. This, he observed, is a bit of
all right. For a space, relief held him dumb. Then
another aspect of the matter struck him, and he sat
up again with a jerk. I say, you don't mean
to say that that rotter Jones was such a rotter
as to do a rotten thing like that, I do.
(07:41):
Freddy grew plaintive. I trusted that man, he said. I
jolly well trusted him absolutely. I know, said ashe there
was one born every minute.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
But the thing seemed to.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Be filtering slowly into Freddy's intelligence. What I mean to
say is I I thought he was such a good chap.
My short acquaintance with mister Jones said, ashe leads me
to think that he probably is to himself. I won't
have anything more to do with him. I shouldn't dash it.
(08:14):
I'll tell you what I'll do the very next time
I meet the blighter, I'll cut him dead. I will
the rotterer five hundred quid he's had off me for nothing,
and if it hadn't been for you, he'd have had
another thousand. I'm beginning to think that my old governor
wasn't so far wrong when he used to curse me
for going round with Jones and the rest of that crowd.
He knew a bit by gad Well, I'm through with them.
(08:36):
If the Governor ever lets me go to London again,
I won't have anything to do with them. I'll jolly
well cut the whole bunch. And to think that if
it hadn't been for you, never mind that, said ashe
give me the scaub, where is it? What are you
going to do with it? Restore it to its rightful owner?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Are you going to give me away to the Governor?
I am not.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It strikes me, said Freddy gratefully, that you are a
dashed good sort. You seem to me to have the
making of an absolute topper. It's under the mattress. I
had it on me when I fell down stairs, and
I had to shove it in there. As drew it out,
he stood looking at it absorbed. He could hardly believe
his quest was at an end, and that a small
(09:20):
fortune lay in the palm of his hand. Freddy was
eyeing him admiringly. You know, he said, I've always wanted
to meet a detective. What beats me is how you
chappies find out things. We have our methods. I believe
you you're a blooming marble. What first put you on
my track? That said, ashe would take too long to explain.
(09:42):
Of course, I had to do some tense inductive reasoning.
But I cannot trace every link in the chain for you.
It would be tedious not to me. Some other time,
I say, I wonder whether you've ever read any of
these things, these gridly Quail stories. I know them by heart.
With the scab safely in his pocket, ashe could contemplate
(10:05):
the brightly colored volume, the other extended toward him without
active repulsion. Already he was beginning to feel a sort
of sentiment for the depressing Quail as something that had
once formed part of his life.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Do you read these things?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I should say, not, I write them. There are certain
supreme moments that cannot be adequately described. Freddie's appreciation of
the fact that such a moment had occurred in his
life expressed itself in a startled cry and a convulsive
movement of all his limbs. He shot up from the
pillows and gaped at ash. You write them, You don't
(10:41):
mean write them, Yes, great Scott. He would have gone on,
doubtless to say more. But at this moment voices made
themselves heard outside the door.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
There was a movement of feet.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Then the door opened and a small procession entered. It
was headed by the Earl of an Alsworth. Following him
came mister Peters, and in the wake of the millionaire
were Colonel Horace Mant and the Efficient Baxter. They filed
into the room and stood by the bedside. Ashe seized
the opportunity to slip out, Freddy glanced at the deputation
(11:17):
without interest. His mind was occupied with other matters. He
supposed they had come to inquire after his ankle, and
he was mildly thankful that they had come in a
body instead of one by one. The deputation grouped itself
about the bed and shuffled its feet. There was an
atmosphere of awkwardness. Er Frederick said, Lord Emsworth, Freddie, my boy.
(11:41):
Mister Peters fiddled dumbly with the coverlet. Colonel Mant cleared
his throat. The Efficient Baxter scowled. Er Freddie, my dear boy,
I fear we have a painfuller task to perform. The
words struck straight home at the Honorable Freddy's guilty conscience.
Had they too tracked him down?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
And was he now to be accused.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Of having stolen that infernal scarab? A wave of relief
swept over him as he realized that he had got
rid of the thing. A decent chappy like that detective
would not give him away. All he had to do
was to keep his head and stick to stout denial.
That was the game, stout denial. I don't know what
you mean, he said, defensively. Of course you don't, dash it,
(12:24):
said Colonel Mant. Were coming to that, And I should
like to begin by saying that, though in a sense
it was my fault, I failed to see how I
could have acted horace. Oh very well, I was only
trying to explain. Lord Emsworth adjusted his poncenez and sought
inspiration from the wall paper. Freddy, my boy, he began,
we have a somewhat unpleasant, a somewhat er disturbing. We
(12:49):
are compelled to break it to you. We are almost
pained and astounded, And the efficient Baxter spoke it was
plain he was in a bad temper. Miss Peters, he said,
napt has eloped with your friend Emerson. Lord Elmsworth breathed
a sigh of relief. Exactly, Baxter, precisely, you have put
the thing in a nutshell.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Really, my dear fellow, you are invaluable.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
All eyes searched Freddy's face for signs of uncontrollable emotion.
The Deputation waited anxiously for his first grief stricken cry. Eh,
what said Freddie? It is quite true, Freddie, my dear boy.
She went to London with him on the ten fifty.
And if I had not been forcibly restrained, said Baxter, acidly,
(13:34):
casting a vindictive look at Colonel Mant, I could have
prevented it. Colonel Mant cleared his throat again and put
a hand to his mustache. I'm afraid that is true, Freddie.
It was a most unfortunate misunderstanding. I'll tell you how
it happened. I chanced to be at the station bookstall
when the train came in. Mister Baxter was also in
the station. The train pulled up and this young fellow
(13:56):
Emerson got in said good bye to us, don't you
know and got in just as the train was about
to start. Miss Peters, exclaiming George Dear, I'm going with
you dash it or some such speech, proceeded to go
hell for leather to the door of young Emerson's compartment,
on which on which interrupted Baxter. I made a spring
(14:17):
to try and catch her. Apart from any other consideration,
the train was already moving and Miss Peters ran considerable
risk of injury. I had hardly moved when I felt
a violent jerk at my ankle and fell to the ground.
After I had recovered from the shock, which was not
immediately I found the fact is Freddie, my boy.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
The colonel went on.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I acted under a misapprehension. Nobody can be sorrier for
the mistake than I. But recent events in this house
had left me with the impression that mister Baxter here
was not quite responsible for his actions over work or
something I imagined. I have seen it happen so often in India,
don't you know where fellows run a mock and kick
up the deuce's own delight. I I'm bound to admit
(15:00):
that I have been watching mister Baxter rather closely lately,
in the expectation that something of this very kind might happen.
Of course, I now realized my mistake, and I have apologized,
apologized humbly dash it. But at the moment I was
firmly under the impression that our friend here had an
attack of some kind and was about to inflict injuries
on Miss Peters. If I've seen it happen once in India,
(15:24):
I've seen it happen a dozen times. I recollect in
the hot weather of the year ninety nine, I was
at ninety three, I think ninety three, one of my
native bears. However, I sprang forward and caught the cook
of my walking stick on mister Baxter's ankle and brought
him down. And by the time explanations were made it
was too late. The train had gone with Miss Peters
(15:46):
in it, and a telegram has just arrived, said Lord Emsworth,
to say that they are being married this afternoon at
a registrars. The whole occurrence is most disturbing. Bear it
like a man, my boy, urged Colonel. To all appearances,
Freddy was bearing it magnificently. Not a single exclamation either
(16:07):
of wrath or pain had escaped his lips. One would
have said the shock had stunned him, or that he
had not heard, for his face expressed no emotion. Whatever
the fact was, the story had made very little impression
on the Honorable Freddy of any sort. His relief at
Ash's news about Joan Valentine, the stunning joy of having
(16:28):
met in the flesh, the author of the Adventures of
Gridley Quail, the general feeling that all was now right
with the world. These things deprived him of the ability
to be greatly distressed, and there was a distinct feeling
of relief, actual relief that now it would not be
necessary for him to get married. He had liked Daleen,
but whenever he really thought of it, the prospect of
(16:49):
getting married rather appalled him a chap. He looked such
an ass getting married. It appeared, however, that some verbal
comment on the state of affairs was required of him.
He searched his mind for something adequate. You mean to say,
Aileen has bolted with Emerson. The deputation nodded, pained nods.
Freddy searched in his mind again. The deputation held its breath. Well,
(17:14):
I'm blowed, said Freddy. Fancy that mister Peters walked heavily
into his room. Ash Marson was waiting for him. There.
He eyed Ash, Dully, pack, He said, pack, pack, we're
getting out of here by the afternoon train. Has anything happened?
My daughter has eloped with Emerson? What don't stand there?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Saying? What?
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Pack? Ash put his hand in his pocket. Where shall
I put this?
Speaker 2 (17:43):
He asked.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
For a moment, mister Peters looked without comprehension at what
Ash was holding out. Then his whole demeanor altered. His
eyes lit up. He uttered a howl of pure rapture.
You got it?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I got it?
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Where was it?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Who took it?
Speaker 1 (17:58):
How did you choke it out of that?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
How did you find it? Who had it?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I don't know whether I ought to say. I don't
want to start anything. You won't tell anyone, tell anyone?
What do you take me for? Do you think I'm
going about advertising this? If I can sneak out without
that fellow Baxter jumping on my back, I shall be satisfied.
You can take it from me that there won't be
any sensational.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Exposures if I can help it. Who had it?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Young Threepwood? Threepwood? Why did he want it? He needed
money and he was going to raise it on mister
Peters exploded and I have been kicking because Aileen can't
marry him and has gone off with a regular fellow
like young Emerson. He's a good boy, Young Emerson. I
knew his folks. He'll make a name for himself one
of these days. He's got get up in him and
(18:44):
I have been waiting to shoot him because he has
taken Aileen away from that goggle ey'ed chomp up in
bed there. Why if she had married Threepwood, I should
have had grandchildren who would have sneaked my watch while
I was dancing them on my knee. There is a
taint of some sort in the whole family. Father's sneaks
my cheops and Sonny sneaks it from father. What a
gang and the best blood in England? If that's England's
(19:07):
idea of good blood, give me Hoboken. This settles it.
I was a chump ever to come to a country
like this. Property isn't safe here. I'm going back to
America on the next boat. Where's my check book. I'm
going to write you that check right away.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
You've earned it.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Listen, young man, I don't know what your ideas are,
but if you aren't chained to this country. I'll make
it worth your while to stay on with me. They
say no one's indispensable, but you come mighty near it.
If I had you at my elbow for a few years,
I'd get right back into shape. I'm feeling better now
than I have felt in years, and you've only just
started in on me. How about it. You can call
(19:44):
yourself what you like, secretary or trainer, or whatever suits
you best. What you will be is the fellow who
makes me take exercise and stop smoking cigars, and generally
looks after me. How do you feel about it?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
It was a.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Proposition that appealed both to ask his commercial and to
his missionary instincts. His only regret had been that the
scaab recovered he and mister Peters would now he supposed
part company. He had not liked the idea of sending
the millionaire back to the world a half cured man.
Already he had begun to look on him in the
light of a piece of creative work to which he
(20:19):
had just set his hand, but the thought of Joan
gave him pause. If this meant separation from Joan, it
was not to be considered. Let me think it over,
he said, Well, think quick, said mister Peters. It has
been said by those who have been through fires, earthquakes
and shipwrecks, that in such times of stress, the social
(20:41):
barriers are temporarily broken down, and the spectacle may be
seen of persons of the highest social standing speaking quite
freely to persons who are not in society at all,
and of quite nice people addressing others to whom they
have never been introduced. The news of alien Peter's elope
with George Emerson, carried beyond the green Bay's door by Slingsby,
(21:04):
the chauffeur, produced very much the same state of affairs
in the servants quarters at Landings Castle. It was not
only that Slingsby was permitted to penetrate into the housekeeper's
room and tell his story to his social superiors there,
though that was an absolutely unprecedented occurrence. What was really
extraordinary was that mere menials discussed the affair with the
(21:27):
personal ladies and gentlemen of the castle guests, and were
allowed to do so uncrushed. James the footman, that pushing
individual actually shoved his way into the room and was
heard by witnesses to remark to no less a person
than mister Beach that it was a bit thick, And
it is on record that his fellow footman Alfred, meeting
(21:48):
the groom of the chambers in the passage outside, positively
prodded him in the lower ribs, winked and said, what
a day we're having. One has to go back to
the word the worst excesses of the French Revolution to
parallel these outrages. It was held by mister Beach and
Missus Twemlow afterward that the social fabric of the castle
(22:09):
never fully recovered from this upheaval.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It may be they took an extreme view.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Of the matter, but it cannot be denied that it
wrought changes. The rise of Slingsby is a case in point.
Until this affair took place, the chauffeur's standing had never
been satisfactorily settled. Mister Beach and Missus Twemlow led the
party which considered that he was merely a species of coachmen.
But there was a smaller group which, dazzled by Slingsby's personality,
(22:37):
openly declared it was not right that he should take
his meals in the servants hall with such admitted plebeians
as the odd man and the steward's room footman. The
alien George elopement settled the point once and for all.
Slingsby had carried George's bag to the train. Slingsby had
been standing a few yards from the spot where Aileen
began her dash for the carriage door. Slingsby was able
(23:00):
to exhibit the actual half sovereign with which George had
tipped him only five minutes before the great event. To
send such a public man back to the servants hall
was impossible by unspoken consent. The chauffeur dined that night
in the steward's room, from which he was never dislodged.
Mister Judson alone stood apart from the throng that clustered
(23:21):
about the chauffeur. He was suffering the bitterness of the
supplanted a brief while before, and he had been the
central figure with his story of the letter he had
found in the Honorable Freddy's coat pocket. Now the importance
of his story had been engulfed in that of this
later and greater sensation. Mister Judson was learning for the
first time on what unstable foundations popularity stands. Joan was
(23:47):
nowhere to be seen in none of the spots where
she might have been expected to be at such a time.
Was she to be found? Ash had almost given up
the search. When going to the back door and looking
out as a last chance, he perceived her walking slowly
on the gravel drive. She greeted Ash with a smile,
but something was plainly troubling her. She did not speak
(24:09):
for a moment, and they walked side by side.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
What is it? Said Ash?
Speaker 1 (24:14):
At length?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
What is the matter?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
She looked at him gravely gloom she said, despondency, mister Marson,
a sort of flat feeling. Don't you hate things happening?
I don't quite understand. Well, there's Affair of Aileen, for instance.
It's so big it makes one feel as though the
whole world had altered. I should like nothing to happen ever,
(24:37):
and life just to jog peacefully along. That's not the
gospel I preached to you in Arundel Street, is it.
I thought I was an advanced apostle of action, but
I seem to have changed. I'm afraid I shall never
be able to make clear what I do mean. I
only know I feel as though I have suddenly grown old.
These things are such milestones already I am beginning to
(24:59):
look on the time before Aileen behaved so sensationally as
terribly remote. Tomorrow it will be worse, and the day
after that worse. Still, I can see that you don't
in the least understand what I mean. Yes I do,
or I think I do. What it comes to in
a few words, is that somebody you were fond of
has going out of your life. Is that it Joan nodded, Yes,
(25:22):
at least that is partly it. I didn't really know
Aileen particularly well beyond having been.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
At school with her.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
But you're right, it's not so much what has happened
as what it represents that matters. This elopement has marked
the end of a phase of my life. I think
I have it now. My life has been such a
series of jerks. I dash along, then something happens which
stops that bit of my life with a jerk, and
then I have to start over again a new bit.
(25:50):
I think I'm getting tired of jerks. I want something
stodgy and continuous. I'm like one of the old bus
horses that could go on forever if people got off
without making them stop. It's the having to get the
bus moving again. That wears one out. This little section
of my life since we came here is over, and
it is finished for good. I've got to start the
(26:11):
bus going again, on a new road and with a
new set of passengers. I wonder whether the old horses
used to be sorry when they dropped one lot of
passengers and took on a lot of strangers. A sudden
dryness invaded Ash's throat. He tried to speak, but found
no words. Joan went on, do you ever get moods
when life seems absolutely meaningless? It's like a badly constructed
(26:35):
story with all sorts of characters moving in and out
who have nothing to do with the plot. And when
somebody comes along that you think really has something to
do with the plot, he suddenly drops out. After a while,
you begin to wonder what the story is about, and
you feel that it's about nothing, just a jumble. There
is one thing, said Ash, that knits it together.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
What is that?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
The love interest their eyes? And suddenly there descended on
Ash confidence. He felt cool and alert, sure of himself
as in the old days he had felt when he
ran races, and the nerve racking hours of waiting past.
He listened for the starter's gun. Subconsciously, he was aware
he had always been a little afraid of Joan, and
(27:19):
that now he was no longer afraid. Joan, Will you
marry me? Her eyes wandered from his face. He waited,
I wonder, she said softly, you think that.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Is the solution? Yes, how can you tell? She broke out.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
We scarcely know each other. I shan't always be in
this mood. I may get restless again. I may find
it is the jerks that I really like.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
You won't.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
You're very confident. I am absolutely confident. She travels fastest
who travels alone? Misquoted Joan. What is the good said
Ash of traveling fast? If you're going round in a circle.
I know how you feel. I felt the same myself.
You are an individualist. You think there is something tremendous
just round the corner, and that you can get it
(28:09):
if you try hard enough. There isn't, or if there is,
it isn't worth getting. Life is nothing but a mutual
aid association. I am going to help old Peters. You
are going to help me. I am going to help
you help me to do what make life coherent instead
of a jumble. Mister Marson. Don't call me mister Marson.
(28:32):
Ash You don't know what you are doing. You don't
know me. I've been knocking about the world for five
years and I'm hard, hard right through. I should make
you wretched. You are not in the least hard, and.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
You know it.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Listen to me, Joan, where's your sense of fairness? You
crash into my life, turn it upside down, dig me
out of my quiet groove, revolutionize my whole existence, and
now you propose to drop me and pay no further
attention to me.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Is it fair?
Speaker 1 (28:59):
But I don't. We shall always be the best of friends.
We shall, but we will get married first. You are determined,
I am, Joan laughed happily, how perfectly splendid. I was
terrified lest I might have made you change your mind.
I had to say all I did to preserve my
self respect after proposing to you. Yes I did. How
(29:22):
strange it is that men never seem to understand a woman,
however plainly she talks. You don't think I was really
worrying because I had lost.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
A leen, do you.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I thought I was going to lose you, and it
made me miserable. You couldn't expect me to say it
in so many words. But I thought I was hoping
you guessed, I practically said it. Asked what are you doing?
Ask paused for a moment to reply, I am kissing you,
he said, But you mustn't. There's a scullery maid of
somebody looking through the kitchen window. She will see us,
(29:53):
as drew her to him. Scullery maids have few pleasures,
he said. Theirs is a dull life. Let her see us.
End of chapter eleven. Chapter twelve, the Earl of Emsworth
sat by the sick bed and regarded the Honorable Freddy
almost tenderly. I fear Freddy, my dear boy, this has
(30:16):
been a great shock to you, eh what? Yes, rather
deuce of a shock, Governor. I have been thinking it over,
my boy, and perhaps I have been a little hard
on you. When your ankle is better, I have decided
to renew your allowance and you may return to London,
as you do not seem happy in the country, though
how any reasonable being can prefer? The Honorable Freddy started
(30:38):
popeyed to a sitting posture. My word, not really. His
father nodded. I say, Governor, you really are a topper,
You really are you know I know just how you
feel about the country and the jolly old birds and
trees and chasing the valley slugs off the young geraniums
and all that.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Sort of thing.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
But somehow it's never quite hit me the same way
it's way I'm built. I suppose I like asphalt streets
and crowds and dodging taxis and meeting chappies at the
club and popping in at the Empire for half an
hour and so forth. And there's something about having an
allowance I don't know, sort of makes you chuck your
chest out and feel you someone. I don't know how
(31:18):
to thank you, Governor. You're you're an absolute sportsman. This
is the most priceless bit of work you've ever done.
I feel like a two year old. I don't know
when I've felt so braced. I I really, you know, Governor,
I'm most awfully grateful. Exactly, said Lord Emsworth. Ah precisely.
But Freddie, my boy, he added, not without pathos. There
(31:40):
is just one thing more. Do you think that, with
an effort for my sake, you could endeavor this time
not to make a a damned.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Fool of yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
He eyed his offspring wistfully. Governor, said the Honorable Freddie firmly,
I'll have a jolly good stab at it. The end
of Chapter twelve, End of Something New by P. G.
Woodhouse
Chapter eleven, Part two, and chapter twelve of Something New.
This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in
the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please
visit LibriVox dot org. Something New by P. G. Woodhouse,
(00:23):
Chapter eleven, Part two. Freddie was not the only person
who had found the influx of visitors into the sick
room a source of irritation.
Speaker 2 (00:33):
The fact that the.
Speaker 1 (00:34):
Invalid seemed unable to get a moment to himself had
annoyed Ash considerably. For some little time, he had hung
about the passage in which Freddy's room was situated, full
of enterprise, but unable to make a forward move owing
to the throng of sympathizers. What he had to say
to the sufferer could not be said in the presence.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
Of a third party.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Freddie's sensation on perceiving him was one of relief. He
had been half afraid it was the Bishop he recognized
ashe as the valet chappie who had helped him to
bed on the occasion of his accident. It might be
that he had come in a respectful way to make inquiries,
but he was not likely to stop long. He nodded
and went on reading, and then glancing up, he perceived
(01:19):
Ash standing beside the bed, fixing him with a piercing stare.
The Honorable Freddie hated piercing stairs.
Speaker 2 (01:28):
One of the.
Speaker 1 (01:28):
Reasons why he objected to being left alone with his
future father in law, mister J. Preston Peters, was that
nature had given the millionaire a penetrating pair of eyes,
and the stress of business life in New York had
developed in him a habit of boring holes in people
with them. A young man had to have a stronger
nerve and a clearer conscience than the Honorable Freddy to
(01:50):
enjoy a tte a tape with mister Peters. Though he
accepted Aileen's father as a necessary evil, and recognized that
his position in him to look at people as sharply
as he liked, whatever their feelings, he would be hanged
if he was going to extend this privilege to mister
Peter's valet. This man standing beside him was giving him
(02:12):
a look that seemed, to his sensitive imagination to have
been fired red hot from a gun, and this annoyed
and exasperated Freddy.
Speaker 2 (02:20):
What do you want?
Speaker 1 (02:21):
He said, querulously, What are you staring at me like that.
For Ash sat down, leaned his elbows on the bed,
and applied the look again from a lower elevation. Ah,
he said, whatever may have been Ash's defects, so far
as the handling of the inductive reasoning side of Gridley,
Quayle's character was concerned. There was one scene in each
(02:44):
of his stories in which he never failed. That was
the scene in the last chapter where Quayle, confronting his quarry,
unmasked him. Quayle might have floundered in the earlier part
of the story, but in his big scene he was
exactly right. He was Kurt, crisp and mercilessly compelling. Ashe
(03:05):
rehearsing this interview in the passage before his entry, had
decided that he could hardly do better than model himself
on the detective.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
So he began to.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
Be Curt, crisp and mercilessly compelling to Freddy. And after
the first few sentences he had that use gasping for air.
I will tell you, he said, if you can spare
me a few moments of your valuable time, I will
put the facts before you. Yes, press that bell if
you wish, and I will put them before witnesses. Lord
Emsworth will no doubt be pleased to learn that his son,
(03:35):
whom he trusted, is a fiet. Freddy's hand fell limply,
the bell remained untouched, his mouth opened to its fullest extent.
In the midst of his panic, he had a curious
feeling that he had heard or read that last sentence
somewhere before. Then he remembered those very words occurred in
Gridley Quail Investigator, The Adventure.
Speaker 2 (03:57):
Of the Blue Ruby.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
What what do you mean, he stammered.
Speaker 2 (04:02):
I will tell you what I mean.
Speaker 1 (04:03):
On Saturday night, a valuable scab was stolen from Lord
Emsworth's private museum. The case was put into my hands,
Great Scott, are you a detective.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Ah said Ash.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Life, as many a worthy writer has pointed out, is
full of ironies. It seemed to Freddy that here was
a supreme example of this fact. All these years he
had wanted to meet a detective, and now that his
wish had been gratified, the detective was detecting him. The case,
continued Ash severely, was placed in my hands. I investigated it.
(04:38):
I discovered that you were in urgent and immediate need
of money. How on earth did you do that, Ah
said Ash. I further discovered that you were in communication
with an individual named Jones. Good lord, how Aske smiled quietly.
Yesterday I had a talk with this man Jones, who
(04:59):
was staying in Marke. Why is he staying in Market
Blandings because he had a reason for keeping in touch
with you, because you were about to transfer to his
care something you could get possession of, but which only
he could dispose of, the scarab. The Honorable Freddy was
beyond speech. He made no comment on this statement, Ash continued.
(05:22):
I interviewed this man Jones. I said to him, I
am in the Honorable Frederick Threepwood's confidence. I know everything.
Have you any instructions for me? He replied, what do
you know? I answered, I know that the Honorable Frederick
Threepwood has something he wishes to hand to you, but
which he has been unable to hand to you, owing
to having had an accident and being confined to his room.
(05:45):
He then told me to tell you to let him
have the scarab. By messenger Freddie pulled himself together with
an effort. He was in sore straits, but he saw
one last chance. His researches in detective fiction had given
him the knowledge that detectives occasionally relaxed their austerity when
dealing with a deserving case. Even Gridley Quail could sometimes
(06:06):
be softened by a hard luck story. Freddy could recall
half a dozen times when a detected criminal had been
spared by him. Because he had done it all from
the best motives, he determined to throw himself on Ash's mercy.
I say, you know, he said, ingratiatingly. I think it's
bally marvelous the way you've deduced everything and so on. Well,
(06:30):
but I believe you would chuck it if you heard
my side of the case. I know your side of
the case. You think you are being blackmailed by a
Miss Valentine for some letters you once wrote her.
Speaker 2 (06:40):
You are not.
Speaker 1 (06:42):
Miss Valentine has destroyed the letters. She told the man Jones,
so when he went to see her in London, he
kept your five hundred pounds and is trying to get
another thousand out of you under false pretenses. What you
can't be right? I am always right. You must be mistaken.
I am never mistaken. But how do you know I
(07:06):
have my sources of information? She isn't going to sue
me for breach of promise. She never had any intention
of doing so. The Honorable Freddy sank back on the pillows.
Good egg, he said.
Speaker 2 (07:19):
With fervor.
Speaker 1 (07:20):
He beamed happily. This, he observed, is a bit of
all right. For a space, relief held him dumb. Then
another aspect of the matter struck him, and he sat
up again with a jerk. I say, you don't mean
to say that that rotter Jones was such a rotter
as to do a rotten thing like that, I do.
(07:41):
Freddy grew plaintive. I trusted that man, he said. I
jolly well trusted him absolutely. I know, said ashe there
was one born every minute.
Speaker 2 (07:52):
But the thing seemed to.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
Be filtering slowly into Freddy's intelligence. What I mean to
say is I I thought he was such a good chap.
My short acquaintance with mister Jones said, ashe leads me
to think that he probably is to himself. I won't
have anything more to do with him. I shouldn't dash it.
(08:14):
I'll tell you what I'll do the very next time
I meet the blighter, I'll cut him dead. I will
the rotterer five hundred quid he's had off me for nothing,
and if it hadn't been for you, he'd have had
another thousand. I'm beginning to think that my old governor
wasn't so far wrong when he used to curse me
for going round with Jones and the rest of that crowd.
He knew a bit by gad Well, I'm through with them.
(08:36):
If the Governor ever lets me go to London again,
I won't have anything to do with them. I'll jolly
well cut the whole bunch. And to think that if
it hadn't been for you, never mind that, said ashe
give me the scaub, where is it? What are you
going to do with it? Restore it to its rightful owner?
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Are you going to give me away to the Governor?
I am not.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
It strikes me, said Freddy gratefully, that you are a
dashed good sort. You seem to me to have the
making of an absolute topper. It's under the mattress. I
had it on me when I fell down stairs, and
I had to shove it in there. As drew it out,
he stood looking at it absorbed. He could hardly believe
his quest was at an end, and that a small
(09:20):
fortune lay in the palm of his hand. Freddy was
eyeing him admiringly. You know, he said, I've always wanted
to meet a detective. What beats me is how you
chappies find out things. We have our methods. I believe
you you're a blooming marble. What first put you on
my track? That said, ashe would take too long to explain.
(09:42):
Of course, I had to do some tense inductive reasoning.
But I cannot trace every link in the chain for you.
It would be tedious not to me. Some other time,
I say, I wonder whether you've ever read any of
these things, these gridly Quail stories. I know them by heart.
With the scab safely in his pocket, ashe could contemplate
(10:05):
the brightly colored volume, the other extended toward him without
active repulsion. Already he was beginning to feel a sort
of sentiment for the depressing Quail as something that had
once formed part of his life.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Do you read these things?
Speaker 1 (10:19):
I should say, not, I write them. There are certain
supreme moments that cannot be adequately described. Freddie's appreciation of
the fact that such a moment had occurred in his
life expressed itself in a startled cry and a convulsive
movement of all his limbs. He shot up from the
pillows and gaped at ash. You write them, You don't
(10:41):
mean write them, Yes, great Scott. He would have gone on,
doubtless to say more. But at this moment voices made
themselves heard outside the door.
Speaker 2 (10:53):
There was a movement of feet.
Speaker 1 (10:54):
Then the door opened and a small procession entered. It
was headed by the Earl of an Alsworth. Following him
came mister Peters, and in the wake of the millionaire
were Colonel Horace Mant and the Efficient Baxter. They filed
into the room and stood by the bedside. Ashe seized
the opportunity to slip out, Freddy glanced at the deputation
(11:17):
without interest. His mind was occupied with other matters. He
supposed they had come to inquire after his ankle, and
he was mildly thankful that they had come in a
body instead of one by one. The deputation grouped itself
about the bed and shuffled its feet. There was an
atmosphere of awkwardness. Er Frederick said, Lord Emsworth, Freddie, my boy.
(11:41):
Mister Peters fiddled dumbly with the coverlet. Colonel Mant cleared
his throat. The Efficient Baxter scowled. Er Freddie, my dear boy,
I fear we have a painfuller task to perform. The
words struck straight home at the Honorable Freddy's guilty conscience.
Had they too tracked him down?
Speaker 2 (12:01):
And was he now to be accused.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Of having stolen that infernal scarab? A wave of relief
swept over him as he realized that he had got
rid of the thing. A decent chappy like that detective
would not give him away. All he had to do
was to keep his head and stick to stout denial.
That was the game, stout denial. I don't know what
you mean, he said, defensively. Of course you don't, dash it,
(12:24):
said Colonel Mant. Were coming to that, And I should
like to begin by saying that, though in a sense
it was my fault, I failed to see how I
could have acted horace. Oh very well, I was only
trying to explain. Lord Emsworth adjusted his poncenez and sought
inspiration from the wall paper. Freddy, my boy, he began,
we have a somewhat unpleasant, a somewhat er disturbing. We
(12:49):
are compelled to break it to you. We are almost
pained and astounded, And the efficient Baxter spoke it was
plain he was in a bad temper. Miss Peters, he said,
napt has eloped with your friend Emerson. Lord Elmsworth breathed
a sigh of relief. Exactly, Baxter, precisely, you have put
the thing in a nutshell.
Speaker 2 (13:09):
Really, my dear fellow, you are invaluable.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
All eyes searched Freddy's face for signs of uncontrollable emotion.
The Deputation waited anxiously for his first grief stricken cry. Eh,
what said Freddie? It is quite true, Freddie, my dear boy.
She went to London with him on the ten fifty.
And if I had not been forcibly restrained, said Baxter, acidly,
(13:34):
casting a vindictive look at Colonel Mant, I could have
prevented it. Colonel Mant cleared his throat again and put
a hand to his mustache. I'm afraid that is true, Freddie.
It was a most unfortunate misunderstanding. I'll tell you how
it happened. I chanced to be at the station bookstall
when the train came in. Mister Baxter was also in
the station. The train pulled up and this young fellow
(13:56):
Emerson got in said good bye to us, don't you
know and got in just as the train was about
to start. Miss Peters, exclaiming George Dear, I'm going with
you dash it or some such speech, proceeded to go
hell for leather to the door of young Emerson's compartment,
on which on which interrupted Baxter. I made a spring
(14:17):
to try and catch her. Apart from any other consideration,
the train was already moving and Miss Peters ran considerable
risk of injury. I had hardly moved when I felt
a violent jerk at my ankle and fell to the ground.
After I had recovered from the shock, which was not
immediately I found the fact is Freddie, my boy.
Speaker 2 (14:36):
The colonel went on.
Speaker 1 (14:38):
I acted under a misapprehension. Nobody can be sorrier for
the mistake than I. But recent events in this house
had left me with the impression that mister Baxter here
was not quite responsible for his actions over work or
something I imagined. I have seen it happen so often in India,
don't you know where fellows run a mock and kick
up the deuce's own delight. I I'm bound to admit
(15:00):
that I have been watching mister Baxter rather closely lately,
in the expectation that something of this very kind might happen.
Of course, I now realized my mistake, and I have apologized,
apologized humbly dash it. But at the moment I was
firmly under the impression that our friend here had an
attack of some kind and was about to inflict injuries
on Miss Peters. If I've seen it happen once in India,
(15:24):
I've seen it happen a dozen times. I recollect in
the hot weather of the year ninety nine, I was
at ninety three, I think ninety three, one of my
native bears. However, I sprang forward and caught the cook
of my walking stick on mister Baxter's ankle and brought
him down. And by the time explanations were made it
was too late. The train had gone with Miss Peters
(15:46):
in it, and a telegram has just arrived, said Lord Emsworth,
to say that they are being married this afternoon at
a registrars. The whole occurrence is most disturbing. Bear it
like a man, my boy, urged Colonel. To all appearances,
Freddy was bearing it magnificently. Not a single exclamation either
(16:07):
of wrath or pain had escaped his lips. One would
have said the shock had stunned him, or that he
had not heard, for his face expressed no emotion. Whatever
the fact was, the story had made very little impression
on the Honorable Freddy of any sort. His relief at
Ash's news about Joan Valentine, the stunning joy of having
(16:28):
met in the flesh, the author of the Adventures of
Gridley Quail, the general feeling that all was now right
with the world. These things deprived him of the ability
to be greatly distressed, and there was a distinct feeling
of relief, actual relief that now it would not be
necessary for him to get married. He had liked Daleen,
but whenever he really thought of it, the prospect of
(16:49):
getting married rather appalled him a chap. He looked such
an ass getting married. It appeared, however, that some verbal
comment on the state of affairs was required of him.
He searched his mind for something adequate. You mean to say,
Aileen has bolted with Emerson. The deputation nodded, pained nods.
Freddy searched in his mind again. The deputation held its breath. Well,
(17:14):
I'm blowed, said Freddy. Fancy that mister Peters walked heavily
into his room. Ash Marson was waiting for him. There.
He eyed Ash, Dully, pack, He said, pack, pack, we're
getting out of here by the afternoon train. Has anything happened?
My daughter has eloped with Emerson? What don't stand there?
Speaker 2 (17:37):
Saying? What?
Speaker 1 (17:38):
Pack? Ash put his hand in his pocket. Where shall
I put this?
Speaker 2 (17:43):
He asked.
Speaker 1 (17:44):
For a moment, mister Peters looked without comprehension at what
Ash was holding out. Then his whole demeanor altered. His
eyes lit up. He uttered a howl of pure rapture.
You got it?
Speaker 2 (17:55):
I got it?
Speaker 1 (17:57):
Where was it?
Speaker 2 (17:58):
Who took it?
Speaker 1 (17:58):
How did you choke it out of that?
Speaker 2 (18:00):
How did you find it? Who had it?
Speaker 1 (18:02):
I don't know whether I ought to say. I don't
want to start anything. You won't tell anyone, tell anyone?
What do you take me for? Do you think I'm
going about advertising this? If I can sneak out without
that fellow Baxter jumping on my back, I shall be satisfied.
You can take it from me that there won't be
any sensational.
Speaker 2 (18:19):
Exposures if I can help it. Who had it?
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Young Threepwood? Threepwood? Why did he want it? He needed
money and he was going to raise it on mister
Peters exploded and I have been kicking because Aileen can't
marry him and has gone off with a regular fellow
like young Emerson. He's a good boy, Young Emerson. I
knew his folks. He'll make a name for himself one
of these days. He's got get up in him and
(18:44):
I have been waiting to shoot him because he has
taken Aileen away from that goggle ey'ed chomp up in
bed there. Why if she had married Threepwood, I should
have had grandchildren who would have sneaked my watch while
I was dancing them on my knee. There is a
taint of some sort in the whole family. Father's sneaks
my cheops and Sonny sneaks it from father. What a
gang and the best blood in England? If that's England's
(19:07):
idea of good blood, give me Hoboken. This settles it.
I was a chump ever to come to a country
like this. Property isn't safe here. I'm going back to
America on the next boat. Where's my check book. I'm
going to write you that check right away.
Speaker 2 (19:21):
You've earned it.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
Listen, young man, I don't know what your ideas are,
but if you aren't chained to this country. I'll make
it worth your while to stay on with me. They
say no one's indispensable, but you come mighty near it.
If I had you at my elbow for a few years,
I'd get right back into shape. I'm feeling better now
than I have felt in years, and you've only just
started in on me. How about it. You can call
(19:44):
yourself what you like, secretary or trainer, or whatever suits
you best. What you will be is the fellow who
makes me take exercise and stop smoking cigars, and generally
looks after me. How do you feel about it?
Speaker 2 (19:57):
It was a.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
Proposition that appealed both to ask his commercial and to
his missionary instincts. His only regret had been that the
scaab recovered he and mister Peters would now he supposed
part company. He had not liked the idea of sending
the millionaire back to the world a half cured man.
Already he had begun to look on him in the
light of a piece of creative work to which he
(20:19):
had just set his hand, but the thought of Joan
gave him pause. If this meant separation from Joan, it
was not to be considered. Let me think it over,
he said, Well, think quick, said mister Peters. It has
been said by those who have been through fires, earthquakes
and shipwrecks, that in such times of stress, the social
(20:41):
barriers are temporarily broken down, and the spectacle may be
seen of persons of the highest social standing speaking quite
freely to persons who are not in society at all,
and of quite nice people addressing others to whom they
have never been introduced. The news of alien Peter's elope
with George Emerson, carried beyond the green Bay's door by Slingsby,
(21:04):
the chauffeur, produced very much the same state of affairs
in the servants quarters at Landings Castle. It was not
only that Slingsby was permitted to penetrate into the housekeeper's
room and tell his story to his social superiors there,
though that was an absolutely unprecedented occurrence. What was really
extraordinary was that mere menials discussed the affair with the
(21:27):
personal ladies and gentlemen of the castle guests, and were
allowed to do so uncrushed. James the footman, that pushing
individual actually shoved his way into the room and was
heard by witnesses to remark to no less a person
than mister Beach that it was a bit thick, And
it is on record that his fellow footman Alfred, meeting
(21:48):
the groom of the chambers in the passage outside, positively
prodded him in the lower ribs, winked and said, what
a day we're having. One has to go back to
the word the worst excesses of the French Revolution to
parallel these outrages. It was held by mister Beach and
Missus Twemlow afterward that the social fabric of the castle
(22:09):
never fully recovered from this upheaval.
Speaker 2 (22:12):
It may be they took an extreme view.
Speaker 1 (22:14):
Of the matter, but it cannot be denied that it
wrought changes. The rise of Slingsby is a case in point.
Until this affair took place, the chauffeur's standing had never
been satisfactorily settled. Mister Beach and Missus Twemlow led the
party which considered that he was merely a species of coachmen.
But there was a smaller group which, dazzled by Slingsby's personality,
(22:37):
openly declared it was not right that he should take
his meals in the servants hall with such admitted plebeians
as the odd man and the steward's room footman. The
alien George elopement settled the point once and for all.
Slingsby had carried George's bag to the train. Slingsby had
been standing a few yards from the spot where Aileen
began her dash for the carriage door. Slingsby was able
(23:00):
to exhibit the actual half sovereign with which George had
tipped him only five minutes before the great event. To
send such a public man back to the servants hall
was impossible by unspoken consent. The chauffeur dined that night
in the steward's room, from which he was never dislodged.
Mister Judson alone stood apart from the throng that clustered
(23:21):
about the chauffeur. He was suffering the bitterness of the
supplanted a brief while before, and he had been the
central figure with his story of the letter he had
found in the Honorable Freddy's coat pocket. Now the importance
of his story had been engulfed in that of this
later and greater sensation. Mister Judson was learning for the
first time on what unstable foundations popularity stands. Joan was
(23:47):
nowhere to be seen in none of the spots where
she might have been expected to be at such a time.
Was she to be found? Ash had almost given up
the search. When going to the back door and looking
out as a last chance, he perceived her walking slowly
on the gravel drive. She greeted Ash with a smile,
but something was plainly troubling her. She did not speak
(24:09):
for a moment, and they walked side by side.
Speaker 2 (24:13):
What is it? Said Ash?
Speaker 1 (24:14):
At length?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
What is the matter?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
She looked at him gravely gloom she said, despondency, mister Marson,
a sort of flat feeling. Don't you hate things happening?
I don't quite understand. Well, there's Affair of Aileen, for instance.
It's so big it makes one feel as though the
whole world had altered. I should like nothing to happen ever,
(24:37):
and life just to jog peacefully along. That's not the
gospel I preached to you in Arundel Street, is it.
I thought I was an advanced apostle of action, but
I seem to have changed. I'm afraid I shall never
be able to make clear what I do mean. I
only know I feel as though I have suddenly grown old.
These things are such milestones already I am beginning to
(24:59):
look on the time before Aileen behaved so sensationally as
terribly remote. Tomorrow it will be worse, and the day
after that worse. Still, I can see that you don't
in the least understand what I mean. Yes I do,
or I think I do. What it comes to in
a few words, is that somebody you were fond of
has going out of your life. Is that it Joan nodded, Yes,
(25:22):
at least that is partly it. I didn't really know
Aileen particularly well beyond having been.
Speaker 2 (25:28):
At school with her.
Speaker 1 (25:29):
But you're right, it's not so much what has happened
as what it represents that matters. This elopement has marked
the end of a phase of my life. I think
I have it now. My life has been such a
series of jerks. I dash along, then something happens which
stops that bit of my life with a jerk, and
then I have to start over again a new bit.
(25:50):
I think I'm getting tired of jerks. I want something
stodgy and continuous. I'm like one of the old bus
horses that could go on forever if people got off
without making them stop. It's the having to get the
bus moving again. That wears one out. This little section
of my life since we came here is over, and
it is finished for good. I've got to start the
(26:11):
bus going again, on a new road and with a
new set of passengers. I wonder whether the old horses
used to be sorry when they dropped one lot of
passengers and took on a lot of strangers. A sudden
dryness invaded Ash's throat. He tried to speak, but found
no words. Joan went on, do you ever get moods
when life seems absolutely meaningless? It's like a badly constructed
(26:35):
story with all sorts of characters moving in and out
who have nothing to do with the plot. And when
somebody comes along that you think really has something to
do with the plot, he suddenly drops out. After a while,
you begin to wonder what the story is about, and
you feel that it's about nothing, just a jumble. There
is one thing, said Ash, that knits it together.
Speaker 2 (26:56):
What is that?
Speaker 1 (26:57):
The love interest their eyes? And suddenly there descended on
Ash confidence. He felt cool and alert, sure of himself
as in the old days he had felt when he
ran races, and the nerve racking hours of waiting past.
He listened for the starter's gun. Subconsciously, he was aware
he had always been a little afraid of Joan, and
(27:19):
that now he was no longer afraid. Joan, Will you
marry me? Her eyes wandered from his face. He waited,
I wonder, she said softly, you think that.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
Is the solution? Yes, how can you tell? She broke out.
Speaker 1 (27:37):
We scarcely know each other. I shan't always be in
this mood. I may get restless again. I may find
it is the jerks that I really like.
Speaker 2 (27:45):
You won't.
Speaker 1 (27:47):
You're very confident. I am absolutely confident. She travels fastest
who travels alone? Misquoted Joan. What is the good said
Ash of traveling fast? If you're going round in a circle.
I know how you feel. I felt the same myself.
You are an individualist. You think there is something tremendous
just round the corner, and that you can get it
(28:09):
if you try hard enough. There isn't, or if there is,
it isn't worth getting. Life is nothing but a mutual
aid association. I am going to help old Peters. You
are going to help me. I am going to help
you help me to do what make life coherent instead
of a jumble. Mister Marson. Don't call me mister Marson.
(28:32):
Ash You don't know what you are doing. You don't
know me. I've been knocking about the world for five
years and I'm hard, hard right through. I should make
you wretched. You are not in the least hard, and.
Speaker 2 (28:43):
You know it.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Listen to me, Joan, where's your sense of fairness? You
crash into my life, turn it upside down, dig me
out of my quiet groove, revolutionize my whole existence, and
now you propose to drop me and pay no further
attention to me.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Is it fair?
Speaker 1 (28:59):
But I don't. We shall always be the best of friends.
We shall, but we will get married first. You are determined,
I am, Joan laughed happily, how perfectly splendid. I was
terrified lest I might have made you change your mind.
I had to say all I did to preserve my
self respect after proposing to you. Yes I did. How
(29:22):
strange it is that men never seem to understand a woman,
however plainly she talks. You don't think I was really
worrying because I had lost.
Speaker 2 (29:29):
A leen, do you.
Speaker 1 (29:31):
I thought I was going to lose you, and it
made me miserable. You couldn't expect me to say it
in so many words. But I thought I was hoping
you guessed, I practically said it. Asked what are you doing?
Ask paused for a moment to reply, I am kissing you,
he said, But you mustn't. There's a scullery maid of
somebody looking through the kitchen window. She will see us,
(29:53):
as drew her to him. Scullery maids have few pleasures,
he said. Theirs is a dull life. Let her see us.
End of chapter eleven. Chapter twelve, the Earl of Emsworth
sat by the sick bed and regarded the Honorable Freddy
almost tenderly. I fear Freddy, my dear boy, this has
(30:16):
been a great shock to you, eh what? Yes, rather
deuce of a shock, Governor. I have been thinking it over,
my boy, and perhaps I have been a little hard
on you. When your ankle is better, I have decided
to renew your allowance and you may return to London,
as you do not seem happy in the country, though
how any reasonable being can prefer? The Honorable Freddy started
(30:38):
popeyed to a sitting posture. My word, not really. His
father nodded. I say, Governor, you really are a topper,
You really are you know I know just how you
feel about the country and the jolly old birds and
trees and chasing the valley slugs off the young geraniums
and all that.
Speaker 2 (30:56):
Sort of thing.
Speaker 1 (30:57):
But somehow it's never quite hit me the same way
it's way I'm built. I suppose I like asphalt streets
and crowds and dodging taxis and meeting chappies at the
club and popping in at the Empire for half an
hour and so forth. And there's something about having an
allowance I don't know, sort of makes you chuck your
chest out and feel you someone. I don't know how
(31:18):
to thank you, Governor. You're you're an absolute sportsman. This
is the most priceless bit of work you've ever done.
I feel like a two year old. I don't know
when I've felt so braced. I I really, you know, Governor,
I'm most awfully grateful. Exactly, said Lord Emsworth. Ah precisely.
But Freddie, my boy, he added, not without pathos. There
(31:40):
is just one thing more. Do you think that, with
an effort for my sake, you could endeavor this time
not to make a a damned.
Speaker 2 (31:48):
Fool of yourself.
Speaker 1 (31:50):
He eyed his offspring wistfully. Governor, said the Honorable Freddie firmly,
I'll have a jolly good stab at it. The end
of Chapter twelve, End of Something New by P. G.
Woodhouse
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