December 17, 2024 • 54 mins
Letting go is one of life’s greatest challenges—and its most powerful tools for personal freedom.
In this first part of The Art of Letting Go series, we explore the delicate balance between the art and science of releasing what no longer serves you and the emotional drivers that keep you holding on.
Sometimes we have to release something to make room for something else. Tune in to learn how letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about making space for growth, joy, and authentic connection and the steps to take to make that happen in your life.
#lettinggo #HealingJourney #emotionalfreedom #selfawareness #soulcprpodcast #personaldevelopment #MindfulnessMatters #positivepsychology #ReleaseAndRenew #transformationjourney #innerpeace #lifebalance #mentalwellness #growthmindset #authenticliving
In this first part of The Art of Letting Go series, we explore the delicate balance between the art and science of releasing what no longer serves you and the emotional drivers that keep you holding on.
Sometimes we have to release something to make room for something else. Tune in to learn how letting go isn’t about giving up; it’s about making space for growth, joy, and authentic connection and the steps to take to make that happen in your life.
#lettinggo #HealingJourney #emotionalfreedom #selfawareness #soulcprpodcast #personaldevelopment #MindfulnessMatters #positivepsychology #ReleaseAndRenew #transformationjourney #innerpeace #lifebalance #mentalwellness #growthmindset #authenticliving
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:03):
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
When you think of letting go, what do you think
of I've asked individual clients and their responses included yesterday's
news of another school shooting that saddens me and leaves
me feeling helpless. And last month's election results that worry
me and leave me feeling defeated. Next yours divorce that
(01:01):
hurt me and left me feeling afraid. Hello everyone, thank
you for tuning in. I'm Anne and this is soul
CPR on Bald Brave TV. And today we're talking about
the art and science of letting go. We've all had
to let go of people and things and experiences at
(01:22):
some point or another, whether it be a pet, a friend,
a lover or the sport we played in high school.
We're constantly ending chapters in order to start new ones
in our lives. Yet letting go is one of life's
greatest challenges, isn't it, And at the same time it's
(01:43):
the greatest tool for unlocking personal freedom. Now, time, age, experience, maturity, wisdom,
they're all part of a recipe that can make it
easier to let go and move forward with intention, completely
opening our group, if you will, to let go and
heal so that we can look to the future with
(02:05):
optimism and excitement. But that can be difficult to achieve
because we first must let it hurt out. We'll talk
more about that later, but we tend to look back
at what used to be with rose colored glasses, as
if the past held everything we ever wanted, and we
(02:29):
regret losing it or giving it up, sometimes whether it
was a person or an object.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
But why.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It's those damn attachments And what do I mean by that? Well,
attachments are the invisible bonds that tie us to specific
outcomes or possessions or relationships, and they can manifest in
various forms. So we have material attachments holding on too,
(02:58):
material possessions, everything from clothing, even to paperwork, to clothe,
to cars, anything that maybe gives us some kind of
source of identity or status. Perhaps there are relationship attachments,
(03:19):
and I'm sure many of you are familiar with the
term codependency. This is where we expect others to fill
our emotional needs, which can lead to dependency but also disappointment.
There's emotional attachments. We're going to talk about those a
lot today, clinging to certain emotions, and we've done a
(03:42):
show recently on resentment, resentment, guilt, fear, often stemming from
past six experiences. And then there's also what we would
call conceptual attachments, and this is where we may rigidly
hold on to and idea or a belief or maybe
(04:04):
even evidence evidence from something from our past, but it's
not serving us now. And these attachments may seem like
in some way a security blanket because they provide familiarity
and somehow comfort, even in their discomfort. You know, it's
(04:30):
a scratchy wool blanket, but it's mine, it's what I know.
But they hinder our ability to find happiness and true comfort,
and ultimately they block our ability to tap into our
higher knowing consciousness and intuition. Last night, I facilitated a
(04:54):
vision board workshop to conclude my false separation and divorced
support group. One of the exercises that I had them
do before the visioning of their future was to consciously
choose what they wanted to let go of that they've
been carrying in twenty twenty four and possibly before that
(05:16):
they did not want to carry into twenty twenty five.
And we did this by labeling a suitcase with travel
stickers to remind them of been there, done that, and
not going back, and the bag will be left at
uncleaned Baggage if you will, so that it will not
travel with them into the new year. They came up
(05:38):
with things like negative thinking and control and fake friends, bitterness,
bad habits, faux family, self sabotage, fear, excuses and more.
And when they consciously chose to let go of these things,
(05:59):
I implored them to not worry about the how. And
when they'd let go of even the how, they're subconscious
their intuition, their higher consciousness was now open. Blocks were
removed to allow them to vision their future in an
ideal way, and the results were really beautiful. We used
(06:19):
guided meditation to help reveal these desires, and it was
new for each one of these participants, and it was
easier for some to have things really come into flow
than others. But the willingness to take responsibility for their
lives and to take steps outside of their comfort zone
(06:40):
encouraged this openness and continued growth, and it would do
the same for you now today in this episode, we're
going to focus on those invisible emotional barriers. So letting
go means confronting those invisible barriers, and that means confronting
(07:02):
the past. And that's uncomfortable already, isn't it. So why
do we have to confront the past? Because we can't
change what we don't first acknowledge. How do we get
past our painful yesterdays? Not just the ones the rose
(07:24):
colored glasses, ones that we seem to hold on to
some kind of beautiful visidie. We'll talk more about those eventually,
but the painful ones, they certainly can keep us stuck
and block our ability to experience joy. Now, some people
will describe being trapped in the past, some with literal
(07:46):
external clutter and holding onto things, and others trapped in
the ruminating and replaying past injustices in their lives. It
is normal to revisit it hurts that have been unresolved, right,
especially those from childhood, those from which perhaps you should
(08:06):
have been protected. It's normal also to riminius about lost love,
about betrayal. This is normal and natural, but not to
the point of your detriment, not for a lifetime, but
rather for a time in your life. So let me
(08:29):
ask you, this is it time to let something go
in your life? The first step is awareness that you're
holding on to something that's no longer serving you, just
like the women in the support group who are able
to label their bags last night. So let's start letting
(08:53):
go right now. Let's fill in the blank today. I'm
aware that I I'm holding on to blank and it makes
me feel blank. So take a moment to think about
that and fill in those blanks. Remember it starts with awareness. Today,
(09:16):
I'm aware that I'm holding onto blank and it makes
me feel blank. So next, think about how do you
want to feel instead? And then ask yourself, what do
you think you need to be able? What's it going
(09:40):
to take for you to get to that feeling that
you want to feel instead? What do you need to
get there? Well, in psychology, it said that we're basically
some recombination of all of our yesterdays, and to move
forward wisely, we are encouraged to look back first. So
(10:03):
looking back matters, visiting the past matters. The reason is
so we can gain an understanding of how we've arrived
where we're at now in the present. But there's a
point at which focusing on the past can wreck our life.
Perhaps you've heard it said that there's a reason the
(10:25):
rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield, because we've
got to keep our attention in front of us, right
on where we're at and where we're going, while keeping
what's behind us in check at a glance. So getting
past the past really is less about what happened, then
(10:49):
less about what happened than putting our willingness and energy
into the tough work of healing. Now, some people are
chained to the past, and others I find are sort
of tied by a delicate thread, while still others are
(11:12):
maybe connected by some kind of pattern like a spider web.
Right complicated perhaps pattern, but regardless. To begin to untangle
and detach involves remembering what hurt you or what injured you.
If you will and then being willing to reconsider it
(11:35):
from a different, more empathetic perspective. And I'm going to
give you a specific example in a little bit. In
some cases, you may not be in a situation where
you're going to completely cut that tie with a person,
(11:58):
say a family member, but you may be loosening the
knot that might be the version of letting go. It
may be that you need to reconfigure a relationship and
redefine it so that you're say less, giving less people, pleasing,
(12:22):
more true to self, more realistic in the relationship. So
let me say this for clarification. Also, letting go is
not forgetting. It is more like a positive shift in
you about something or someone that will free you. It
(12:43):
no longer it or they no longer live rent free
in your mind space, as one of my clients would say,
it's no longer an intruder on your happiness. And per
the premise of positive psychology, you don't deny or pretend
that whatever or whomever hurt you wasn't bad or caused
(13:05):
you pain, or wasn't a negative thing or experience. But
you focus on and find the silver lining and you
choose to heal. You don't necessarily ever get over the past,
but you get past the past in a healthy and
(13:27):
genuine way. And one of the obstacles to letting go
is our innate human resistance to change. There's a there's
a great deal of psychological research that supports this theory
(13:49):
that there's resistance even to positive change. And it's really
amazing when you think about it, how much discomfort people
can tolerate before they even acknowledge the need for change.
And let's face it, all change is uncomfortable, at least
(14:11):
at first. We're really good at convincing ourselves that holding
on is the right thing to do, and sometimes even
the reasonable thing to do. Some people call it delusional,
but in my business, we're going to call it magical thinking. So,
for example, somebody may say, well, if I get a
(14:33):
better job and make more money and lose ten pounds,
he'll choose me, he'll love me, magical thinking. Or I
can't give away all this stuff I've collected, even though
I'm downsizing my home, even though my kids say they
don't want it now, they may want it some day.
(14:54):
Magical thinking. Every thought pattern, and those two examples must
be directly challenged with compassionate truths, because both of those
were arguments defensive against letting go? Did you hear them?
(15:19):
The arguments the defenses? Did you hear what the compassionate
truths would be getting a better job, making more money,
and losing weight in order for him to choose her
and to love her? Is that what love is? Is
(15:44):
that what love should be based on? My kids don't
want it now, but they might one day. Is there
reason to hold on to things that aren't going to
fit in the downsized home? The truth is the kids
don't want it. Very difficult to help people with see
(16:07):
these truths, but it's very very important at its deepest level.
The prospect of letting go forces us up against what
just may be our three strongest emotional drivers in this life,
(16:30):
and it's time for our first break. I'm sorry one
paying attention our first break. We're going to talk about
those three emotional drivers as soon as we come back,
so don't go far. We'll be back with more soul.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
CPR Mike Zurich are three time California state champion in
Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike
blind six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was
a six time national policer, including two seconds, two thirds,
and two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style
(17:03):
Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In
all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy
Zurich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to
the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
(17:26):
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network. Author, radio show host and coach John M.
(17:49):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
(18:09):
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
(18:31):
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in Radio.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Welcome back everyone, Thank you for tuning in. Today we
are talking about the art and science of letting go. Now.
In the previous segment, we talked about awareness is the
first step up to being able to let go. So
if we go back to what I asked you to
that fill in the blank today, I am aware that
(19:09):
I'm holding onto blank and it makes me feel blank.
Which one of these emotions do you believe? Right now?
Go with what you're holding onto love, fear or anger?
As I said as we close out the first segment,
(19:31):
at its deepest level, the prospect of letting go forces
us up against one of these strong emotional drivers, love,
fear and anger. So let's talk about each one a
bit and you decide which one may be related to
what you might be holding on to and struggling with
(19:52):
the change that comes with letting go. So love itself
is is a powerful counterweight to letting go. So even
if a relationship has ended it's out of your life
there's been because of death, because of divorce, or long
(20:16):
after there's been a breakup, you can steal love that
person and thoughts of them and the feelings of love
can take up a lot of time in your heart
and your head. So when it comes to letting go
in this sense, it means loosening that internal attachment. The
(20:41):
oxymoron of that is that's going to feel like losing
that love again. And man, oh man, is that painful?
And we humans are really good at avoiding pain, aren't we.
Yet with all of our avoidance behaviors, we tend to
create more pain and contribute to our suffering and avoidance
(21:05):
behaviors I've talked about in previous shows. It often involves
things that can lead to addictions, over drinking, overeating, overspending.
A lot of those things to numb us from pain
creates more pain. But here's the flip. What makes the
letting go after the loss of love worthwhile, of course,
(21:30):
is that letting go of that old attachment opens up
the real possibility of new love in your life. So
it's about releasing so that you can receive. Now does
that sound inspiring or motivating perhaps, except that uncertainty. As
(21:58):
the unscripted few fature I should say, feel those unknowns.
Guess what that brings up? Fear? Well, guess what that
other driver is. Fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure,
fear future loss, fear of additional pain. Fear makes us
(22:21):
cling to what we know, like that scratch eble security blanket,
however bad it makes us feel. Fear makes us avoid
what we perceive to be possibly more uncomfortable than what
(22:43):
we already have. And then there's the other driver. Anger. Now,
anger might be really easy to understand, right, we understand
what can make us mad or even other people mad?
You know, the bad guy wins. Sometimes life isn't always fair,
(23:04):
and to let go of a past injustice that really
won't let go of us. We have to be able
to let go of our hope that this that this
injustice will ever be righted, or that will there will
ever be exposure for our wrongdoer, that other people will
(23:25):
ever get it that we were right and they were wrong,
That our narcissistic ex will be known for whom he is,
or your cheating business partner will be reprimanded in court,
or your lying former friend will be outed to your
(23:48):
other friends for what she is. But you got to
let go of that. That's difficult, isn't it? So letting go,
oh means confronting these invisible emotional barriers. And this is
the art. The science is the structure we understand. The
(24:12):
science is the attachment, all this attachment that's happening in
our head and our bodies. Letting go the art, the choice,
the decision. The conscious part becomes the art confronting these
invisible barriers, challenging your defensive thinking, opening your heart and
(24:32):
mind to a new way of thinking and therefore feeling
means choosing change. So have you identified what you desire
to let go of and what may be an emotional
barrier for you? And if so, will you choose or
(24:53):
resist change? When we do something new, often step outside
our comfort zone, right, and that means we will experience
discomfort and discomfort, whether in a new exercise or life
experience leads to strength and growth. But discomfort is different
(25:19):
from pain. It is expansion and ultimately transformation. I have
a pillow on my guest bed that says bloom where
you're planted. It reminds me that often our plants outgrow
the pots they're in their roots, or start pushing on
(25:41):
the pots. They have to be planted into a bigger pot,
and that initial transference creates shock to the roots. But
they need the bigger pot so that they can grow.
They have to be transplanted, they have to be moved,
they need that new environment. It's the same for us
(26:02):
mentioned earlier holding onto things. I mentioned that holding on
in general can block us from our higher consciousness, our intuition,
those types of things. So what does literal clutter do.
And I'm not referring to collections for those people who
(26:23):
collect specific things, but what does clutter of invaluable, outgrown,
under used, or that just an array of objects due
to us? It really does cloud our vision. We were
talking about this with the Vision Board workshop last night.
It blocks positive change. So what are we really avoiding
(26:50):
by adding to our environment with clutter, and what are
we really trying to hold on to. So if this
is something I've struggled with this earlier in life, what
are you really trying to hold on to? What are
you fearing you're really going to lose when you hold
on to things? And what if that clutter is unopened
(27:15):
mail or bills. This is a behavior habit that creates
more loss and grief and struggle again awareness, we have
to face it to change it. So if this is
one of your struggles, please see a financial counselor make
a plan get out of this avoidance behavior habit. For
(27:40):
those of you who pay or receive alimony or child
support or pay it right, that comes along with high
emotional investment and interest if you will, it may have
you paying or collecting in anger and resentment. What do
(28:06):
you need to let go of there and get a
positive shift in your thoughts around that? Are you holding
on to something and every time it comes every month
or every time you have to send it? What's happening?
What are you holding on to? And what about these
(28:26):
holidays that we're in Like alimony and child support, holidays
can be triggers. What might need you what might you
need to change? Now we talk about this as support group.
What traditions do you want to keep because they're really
for you, Like go of attachments to someone else and memories?
(28:50):
Which ones do you want to let go of? What
do you want to start in you? These are decisions
and choices. But what do you fear you're going to
lose if you let something go? And then there's this
thing we do to ourselves and I see this often
(29:14):
in divorced groups as well. We stay in contact or
we over expose ourselves to the person or the situation
that is the source of our pain in the first place.
So what do we need to start doing or stop
(29:35):
doing to help ourselves? Start untangling, disconnecting, letting go, to
free ourselves emotionally from either the chains or the ties
or the web that keeps us connected to the sources
(29:56):
of our pain. Again, I like to say say, it's
about taking responsibility for your healing. It really is. If
you hear nothing else today, please hear this. Healing is
a process and not an event. It's not as sink
(30:16):
I set as the French say, there is no start
time and in time. It's not a happy hour. If
you will, everyone's timeline is different. Time heals all wounds
is a saying do you believe that I do? But
it requires our cooperation and it will leave scars. There's
(30:37):
a difference between a wind and a scar. When we
cooperate with time, our open wounds can close and scar over,
and the scar becomes a reminder of where we've been,
as there are some things that we are not to forget.
And if we do not cooperate, the wind will stay
open and vulnerable. But once the scar has formed, the
(30:59):
wound is closed and no longer painful and vulnerable to
being reopened. It remains simply a reminder of what we've
been through and perhaps a reminder of our strength. But
some of us keep our wounds open by what By
ruminating our thoughts those past wounds, we let our rearview
(31:22):
mirror be our windshield. Our focus is in the wrong direction.
We expose ourselves to those memory inducers, to the people, places, things.
My gosh, the music, the songs, The power of music
and memories is phenomenal, isn't it? And as we said,
everyone's timeline is different, and this includes what is known
(31:48):
being in the grief cycle. You cannot heal and you
cannot let go if you have not grieved. It is
time for our second break, and when we come back,
the second part of letting go awareness and then grieving,
don't go far. We'll be back with more soul CPR.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(32:30):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
(32:50):
on my website, Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my Caregiving library,
online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
so repporting working caregivers, help, hope and support for caregivers
is here on the Carring Generation and Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(33:33):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
(33:56):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower in
courage and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation.
You can also visit her at Soarwithkatie dot com.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Welcome back and again thank you for tuning in today
very important discussion on the art and science of letting
go and this is going to be a series. Today
is part one. I don't know if there'll be two
or three parts. We'll see where we get to and
how much there's left to talk about, but it is
a very big subject. As I said just before the break,
(34:36):
everyone's timeline is different when it comes to healing. And
I'm also saying that you cannot truly let go of
your past if you've not fully greeted your losses. So
the first step to letting go is awareness and the
next step is to greet. So the awareness is what
you're holding on to, as we said before, and how
(34:57):
it makes you feel, how you want to feel instead,
and then what's the emotional driver connected to what you're
holding on to? And we talked about the three emotional
drivers that are primary in this situation, which are love, fear,
and anger. So grieving the most familiar to us when
(35:21):
we talk about grieving and a grief cycle is the
Keepler Ross's model shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance. And it's
called a cycle because it's not linear, and I find
it to be like the spin cycle in a washing machine,
back and forth, up and down, right and left, spun
(35:43):
around one direction and then another. So let's take a
look a little closer. So when we talk about denial,
this is really a conscious or unconscious refusal, if you will,
to accept facts, information, reality, or whatever that's relating to
(36:06):
your situation. And it kind of protects us from the
intensity of loss, and it will start diminishing once we're
able to acknowledge the impact of whatever's happened. But things
that are happening when we're in denial, our thoughts are
our actions and behaviors are avoidance, right, we might avoid.
(36:30):
There's confusion, there's elation, right, there's shock, there's also fears.
It's very complicated. It's not just that this isn't happening.
It's a very complicated stage in the cycle denial. Anger.
(36:50):
Anger is when you can no longer really deny it
and whatever it is, the emotions are high. Rage maybe,
which is acting out on anger in a very prolific way.
It can result from those feelings of abandonment. It can
(37:12):
lead to guilt. Guilt can reside here for having gotten angry,
even frustration, irritation, anxiety can all show up at this point.
So another very major stage, as they all are. And
what about bargaining a lot of people struggle to understand
(37:34):
this stage. But this is when we kind of start
dwelling on what could have been or should have been,
or how we might have done something to prevent the loss,
and we struggle to find meaning. We're searching for meaning,
we're reaching out, we're telling the story, we're really it's
(37:56):
almost that a lot of people start in a place
of desperation, but we're really talking here, we're really searching
for that meaning. I think is the best way to
explain that one depression sadness, helpless, hopeless, defeated. This is
when sort of our daily routine is really impacted, sleeping, eating,
(38:20):
feeling of loneliness, unpleasant, but it is necessary to go
through this. Nobody really bypasses these stages. Some may be
shorter than others. They're not necessarily in this order. You
jump around. You may hit them certainly more than once.
(38:41):
Each depression may for you may look like overwhelm. There
may be hostility, may be more internal than external. You
may have that flight response. You just want to shut down,
get away, isolate those types of things. Acceptance and this
(39:01):
is where we hope to get to and stay eventually,
and we do, and we do eventually, this is when
we start sort of integrating the emotions into our life
experience and the healing begins as we move forward. We
started kind of exploring options of what life is going
(39:22):
to be like after the loss, and we kind of
put a new plan in place. But people who try
to bypass grief never fully healed. That wound does not
become a scar, It remains open. There's triggers are more prominent,
(39:44):
and those behaviors of numbness become more more apparent again
because healing has not really happened. So, you know, some
of these things in denial, you may hear this isn't happening.
(40:04):
Everything's okay, I don't need any help. Anger, How can
this happen to me? This isn't fair. Who did this?
Who's to blame? Looking for you know, finger pointing, bargaining
might be in the case of death. I know in
my case when my son, please take me instead God,
(40:26):
that type of thing, or I'll do anything for a
few more minutes with this person, or just you know,
allow me to see this or to do that, or
give me one more chance with this person. You know
that I lost, I'll be a better husband, wife, I'll
be a better mother, father, whatever it may be, it's
(40:49):
the bargaining stage. Depression can be what's the point? Why
even't bother? Why try? I even hope at this point,
the depression can be really low. It is the lowest,
but it can show up differently for each of us.
(41:11):
Right acceptance is when we get to a place where
we find peace and we understand that everything happens for
a reason. Even though we may not yet find the
reason and purpose in our pain, we do believe that
it will be rebuilt to us. At some point we
recognize we can't change what's happened and that it's going
(41:36):
to be okay regardless. A lot of people find their
spiritual connection here to help, and if you don't have one,
recognize that spirituality it's not the same thing as religion.
I find a lot of people let their past experience
with religion block them from having a spiritual connection. I
(41:57):
would encourage you to if that's your truth, to encourage
you to study, read, explore what a spiritual connection may
be for you that's different from religion, and or use
what you believe and hold truth from religion to help
you connect and have a spiritual connection because it does
(42:19):
become an anchor for so many in getting beyond loss.
All right, now that we've talked about grief, do you
believe you may be stuck in the grief cycle? How
might this be your truth in some way? Because awareness
(42:41):
and grief and ensuring that you have arrived at acceptance
doesn't mean you might not be triggered from time to time.
But it's how long you stay down, how long you
get you're in that washing machine. Okay, Recognize if you
(43:02):
are still in a place of grief or grieving, or
if you try to bypass it all together, if that's
the block to your ability to let go, if that
explains behaviors of clutter or unopened mail, or holding on
to things and people who no longer serve you. The
(43:26):
third step is forgiveness. And this is this is big.
I've mentioned it before on the show that forgiveness is
the effort in my business. But to move forward out
of the past requires positive action, and as we know
all too well, without effort, yesterday's gonna hang around. And
(43:50):
there's nothing more positive and affirming than forgiving. So the
third step to let go, to decide to forgive. Forgiveness
is a decision and it is the master key to
your emotional freedom. And people ask me, is it really
(44:11):
possible to be wronged and to be unjustly treated and
deeply hurt and then forgive the person who did that
to me? It is I've done it, and I've witnessed it,
and it helps to understand really what you're up against
(44:34):
within yourself, because there pays off to stay angry. Sometimes
it can, but not for long. Long term anger has
been linked to certain cancers, specifically co erectal. However, in
(44:56):
the short term, anger can be very motivating. It gives
us us courage to confront someone, to stand up, to
find our voice. It fuels us, It gives us the
energy to get through something that we need to get
through a painful trial. Perhaps forgiveness can sometimes feel like,
(45:19):
or we think it sounds like we're letting our perpetrator,
our offender, off the hook. So we have to come
to believe that there is more to be gained by
forgiving than by staying angry, and there is eventually, So
(45:49):
when you can say there's no longer something I can
do that's positive and constructive with my anger, there's nothing
I can do positive and constructive with my anger, there's
(46:11):
nothing I don't need my voice anymore. I don't need
to stand up and speak up. There's nothing good that
can come from my anger as fuel to get There's
nothing else I need to get through. The trial is over,
then the cost to me carrying the burden of my
anger is likely far exceeding the rewards of my mental
(46:37):
punishment of the offender, because they're really not the ones suffering,
are they. It's me. It's when I make that decision
that forgiveness is now possible. Now this has been shown
repeatedly by victims forgiving the perpetrator of violence against them,
(47:02):
or families forgiving the person who murdered their loved one.
They are an amazing example to me. Now, No, forgiveness
does not excuse or condone someone's choice or behavior. It
says you wronged me. I didn't deserve it. I'm just
(47:23):
done with being angry. I've carried it long enough. It's
not helping me, and it's really not hurting you. So
I'm laying it down because I don't need to carry
it anymore. Forgiveness is the gift I give myself. It's
time for our third and final break, and when we
come back. Some final thoughts on this Part one in
(47:46):
a series of the art and science of letting.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Go, author, radio show host and coach John M. Hawkins
reveal strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
(48:11):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
(48:35):
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the VBM Global
Network and tune in radio. Mike Zorich are three time
California state champion in Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred
(48:57):
and fourteen pounds. Mike Blind's its birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
He was a six time national placer, including two seconds,
two thirds, and two fourths. He also won the Veterans
Folk Style Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds.
In all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor.
(49:19):
Nancy Zorich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her
to the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
(49:42):
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern with a Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Forgiveness. It is f Ford sometimes, isn't it? Listen? Some
people find it helpful to write down their decision to
forgive and the why. Always know your why for anything
that you decide to do in your life and stay
connected to the why. Some find it helpful to share
(50:15):
their decision with someone significant in their life to make
it public. If you will with someone that's important to them.
I remember reading a blog that someone wrote a letter
to their father saying something about, like, Dad, your rages
(50:36):
were terrifying, but I'm now able to forgive you for
being an alcoholic. I know you would have never chosen
that struggle. So by having done that, she didn't have
to say that she's forgiven. That forgiving was her release right.
(50:57):
And by acknowledging that he would have been chosen that struggle,
it was acknowledging his humanness. It was showing compassion, which
says something about her and allowed her to tap into
her truth rather than carrying this heaviness and this fear
and this trauma from childhood for life and the resentment
(51:24):
and bitterness perhaps that went along with it. Now, what
about yourself and those daily inner critic or grimlin reminder
messages that my colleagues and I call them that inflict
self harm? You know, those little messages that say to you,
you know you blew that opportunity in college, or you
(51:44):
said something you didn't mean to your child, or you
like to a friend, Is it time to forgive yourself? Well?
Is there something positive you can do to remediate that
situation now? Rather than beat yourself up in your thoughts.
If so, do it. If not, the next step is
what forgive? Forgive yourself that is letting go. Remember forgiveness
(52:12):
as a decision. It is choosing to let go and
choosing to heal so loss. There's so much more to
talk about, and letting go is never easy, but it
is doable. I have a twelve week online sole CPR
(52:33):
course and I have an eight week sole CPR private
coaching program that takes you through these steps in more
of a deep dive way. And if you're interested, you
can go to my website skibewcoaching dot com for information
or schedule a complimentary discovery session so we can have
a conversation to help determine which may be best for
(52:54):
you at this time in your life. This is the
holiday period and it just so happens that my Tuesday
episodes happen to fall on Christmas Eve and New Year's
Eve the next two and the studio is going to
be closed, so we will not have any episodes these
next two weeks, but we will come back in the
(53:14):
new year and continue with the Letting Go series. And
I have some exciting guests with incredible stories that I'll
be bringing into the new year for you as well.
Please do continue to send me show ideas and topics
that you would like to hear about. I always enjoy
researching and bringing those to you on Tuesdays. So as
(53:39):
this episode of soul CPR comes to a close, remember
that healing is not a linear journey, but rather a
process of profound transformation. So today's episode resonated with you.
Please do share the podcast with those who might need
a lifeline of their own. Subscribe, rate and leave a
review to help us reach warheart's I do greatly appreciate that.
(54:00):
Connect with me on social media on Facebook, it is
at Skyview Coaching, Instagram, LinkedIn, and x It's at and Papayode.
Not easy to spell, but once you get it, it's
not so bad. So again, let me know your thoughts,
your stories, and the topics you'd like to explore in
future episodes. So until next time, now you find strengthen
your vulnerability and courage in your journey. Thank you for listening.
(54:23):
Breathe deeply, love openly, and live soulfully. I'll see you
next year.
Speaker 1 (54:31):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode, where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network.
Are you ready to untangle from your past, recover from heartbreak,
and revive your life. This is soul CPR with your
host and Papa Yode. We've all had soul crushing experiences
and lost ourselves in our pain, but there is a
way out. On this podcast, Amazon best selling author, award
winning life coach and advice columnist and Papa Yode helps
(00:27):
us navigate the path from heartbreak to healing. So now
please welcome the host of Soul CPR and Papa Yode.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
When you think of letting go, what do you think
of I've asked individual clients and their responses included yesterday's
news of another school shooting that saddens me and leaves
me feeling helpless. And last month's election results that worry
me and leave me feeling defeated. Next yours divorce that
(01:01):
hurt me and left me feeling afraid. Hello everyone, thank
you for tuning in. I'm Anne and this is soul
CPR on Bald Brave TV. And today we're talking about
the art and science of letting go. We've all had
to let go of people and things and experiences at
(01:22):
some point or another, whether it be a pet, a friend,
a lover or the sport we played in high school.
We're constantly ending chapters in order to start new ones
in our lives. Yet letting go is one of life's
greatest challenges, isn't it, And at the same time it's
(01:43):
the greatest tool for unlocking personal freedom. Now, time, age, experience, maturity, wisdom,
they're all part of a recipe that can make it
easier to let go and move forward with intention, completely
opening our group, if you will, to let go and
heal so that we can look to the future with
(02:05):
optimism and excitement. But that can be difficult to achieve
because we first must let it hurt out. We'll talk
more about that later, but we tend to look back
at what used to be with rose colored glasses, as
if the past held everything we ever wanted, and we
(02:29):
regret losing it or giving it up, sometimes whether it
was a person or an object.
Speaker 3 (02:35):
But why.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
It's those damn attachments And what do I mean by that? Well,
attachments are the invisible bonds that tie us to specific
outcomes or possessions or relationships, and they can manifest in
various forms. So we have material attachments holding on too,
(02:58):
material possessions, everything from clothing, even to paperwork, to clothe,
to cars, anything that maybe gives us some kind of
source of identity or status. Perhaps there are relationship attachments,
(03:19):
and I'm sure many of you are familiar with the
term codependency. This is where we expect others to fill
our emotional needs, which can lead to dependency but also disappointment.
There's emotional attachments. We're going to talk about those a
lot today, clinging to certain emotions, and we've done a
(03:42):
show recently on resentment, resentment, guilt, fear, often stemming from
past six experiences. And then there's also what we would
call conceptual attachments, and this is where we may rigidly
hold on to and idea or a belief or maybe
(04:04):
even evidence evidence from something from our past, but it's
not serving us now. And these attachments may seem like
in some way a security blanket because they provide familiarity
and somehow comfort, even in their discomfort. You know, it's
(04:30):
a scratchy wool blanket, but it's mine, it's what I know.
But they hinder our ability to find happiness and true comfort,
and ultimately they block our ability to tap into our
higher knowing consciousness and intuition. Last night, I facilitated a
(04:54):
vision board workshop to conclude my false separation and divorced
support group. One of the exercises that I had them
do before the visioning of their future was to consciously
choose what they wanted to let go of that they've
been carrying in twenty twenty four and possibly before that
(05:16):
they did not want to carry into twenty twenty five.
And we did this by labeling a suitcase with travel
stickers to remind them of been there, done that, and
not going back, and the bag will be left at
uncleaned Baggage if you will, so that it will not
travel with them into the new year. They came up
(05:38):
with things like negative thinking and control and fake friends, bitterness,
bad habits, faux family, self sabotage, fear, excuses and more.
And when they consciously chose to let go of these things,
(05:59):
I implored them to not worry about the how. And
when they'd let go of even the how, they're subconscious
their intuition, their higher consciousness was now open. Blocks were
removed to allow them to vision their future in an
ideal way, and the results were really beautiful. We used
(06:19):
guided meditation to help reveal these desires, and it was
new for each one of these participants, and it was
easier for some to have things really come into flow
than others. But the willingness to take responsibility for their
lives and to take steps outside of their comfort zone
(06:40):
encouraged this openness and continued growth, and it would do
the same for you now today in this episode, we're
going to focus on those invisible emotional barriers. So letting
go means confronting those invisible barriers, and that means confronting
(07:02):
the past. And that's uncomfortable already, isn't it. So why
do we have to confront the past? Because we can't
change what we don't first acknowledge. How do we get
past our painful yesterdays? Not just the ones the rose
(07:24):
colored glasses, ones that we seem to hold on to
some kind of beautiful visidie. We'll talk more about those eventually,
but the painful ones, they certainly can keep us stuck
and block our ability to experience joy. Now, some people
will describe being trapped in the past, some with literal
(07:46):
external clutter and holding onto things, and others trapped in
the ruminating and replaying past injustices in their lives. It
is normal to revisit it hurts that have been unresolved, right,
especially those from childhood, those from which perhaps you should
(08:06):
have been protected. It's normal also to riminius about lost love,
about betrayal. This is normal and natural, but not to
the point of your detriment, not for a lifetime, but
rather for a time in your life. So let me
(08:29):
ask you, this is it time to let something go
in your life? The first step is awareness that you're
holding on to something that's no longer serving you, just
like the women in the support group who are able
to label their bags last night. So let's start letting
(08:53):
go right now. Let's fill in the blank today. I'm
aware that I I'm holding on to blank and it makes
me feel blank. So take a moment to think about
that and fill in those blanks. Remember it starts with awareness. Today,
(09:16):
I'm aware that I'm holding onto blank and it makes
me feel blank. So next, think about how do you
want to feel instead? And then ask yourself, what do
you think you need to be able? What's it going
(09:40):
to take for you to get to that feeling that
you want to feel instead? What do you need to
get there? Well, in psychology, it said that we're basically
some recombination of all of our yesterdays, and to move
forward wisely, we are encouraged to look back first. So
(10:03):
looking back matters, visiting the past matters. The reason is
so we can gain an understanding of how we've arrived
where we're at now in the present. But there's a
point at which focusing on the past can wreck our life.
Perhaps you've heard it said that there's a reason the
(10:25):
rear view mirror is smaller than the windshield, because we've
got to keep our attention in front of us, right
on where we're at and where we're going, while keeping
what's behind us in check at a glance. So getting
past the past really is less about what happened, then
(10:49):
less about what happened than putting our willingness and energy
into the tough work of healing. Now, some people are
chained to the past, and others I find are sort
of tied by a delicate thread, while still others are
(11:12):
maybe connected by some kind of pattern like a spider web.
Right complicated perhaps pattern, but regardless. To begin to untangle
and detach involves remembering what hurt you or what injured you.
If you will and then being willing to reconsider it
(11:35):
from a different, more empathetic perspective. And I'm going to
give you a specific example in a little bit. In
some cases, you may not be in a situation where
you're going to completely cut that tie with a person,
(11:58):
say a family member, but you may be loosening the
knot that might be the version of letting go. It
may be that you need to reconfigure a relationship and
redefine it so that you're say less, giving less people, pleasing,
(12:22):
more true to self, more realistic in the relationship. So
let me say this for clarification. Also, letting go is
not forgetting. It is more like a positive shift in
you about something or someone that will free you. It
(12:43):
no longer it or they no longer live rent free
in your mind space, as one of my clients would say,
it's no longer an intruder on your happiness. And per
the premise of positive psychology, you don't deny or pretend
that whatever or whomever hurt you wasn't bad or caused
(13:05):
you pain, or wasn't a negative thing or experience. But
you focus on and find the silver lining and you
choose to heal. You don't necessarily ever get over the past,
but you get past the past in a healthy and
(13:27):
genuine way. And one of the obstacles to letting go
is our innate human resistance to change. There's a there's
a great deal of psychological research that supports this theory
(13:49):
that there's resistance even to positive change. And it's really
amazing when you think about it, how much discomfort people
can tolerate before they even acknowledge the need for change.
And let's face it, all change is uncomfortable, at least
(14:11):
at first. We're really good at convincing ourselves that holding
on is the right thing to do, and sometimes even
the reasonable thing to do. Some people call it delusional,
but in my business, we're going to call it magical thinking. So,
for example, somebody may say, well, if I get a
(14:33):
better job and make more money and lose ten pounds,
he'll choose me, he'll love me, magical thinking. Or I
can't give away all this stuff I've collected, even though
I'm downsizing my home, even though my kids say they
don't want it now, they may want it some day.
(14:54):
Magical thinking. Every thought pattern, and those two examples must
be directly challenged with compassionate truths, because both of those
were arguments defensive against letting go? Did you hear them?
(15:19):
The arguments the defenses? Did you hear what the compassionate
truths would be getting a better job, making more money,
and losing weight in order for him to choose her
and to love her? Is that what love is? Is
(15:44):
that what love should be based on? My kids don't
want it now, but they might one day. Is there
reason to hold on to things that aren't going to
fit in the downsized home? The truth is the kids
don't want it. Very difficult to help people with see
(16:07):
these truths, but it's very very important at its deepest level.
The prospect of letting go forces us up against what
just may be our three strongest emotional drivers in this life,
(16:30):
and it's time for our first break. I'm sorry one
paying attention our first break. We're going to talk about
those three emotional drivers as soon as we come back,
so don't go far. We'll be back with more soul.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
CPR Mike Zurich are three time California state champion in
Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred and fourteen pounds. Mike
blind six birth, was born in Hartford, Connecticut. He was
a six time national policer, including two seconds, two thirds,
and two fourths. He also won the Veteran's Folk Style
(17:03):
Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds. In
all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor. Nancy
Zurich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her to
the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
(17:26):
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern for the Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network. Author, radio show host and coach John M.
(17:49):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
(18:09):
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
(18:31):
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John Hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the BBM Global
Network and tune in Radio.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
Welcome back everyone, Thank you for tuning in. Today we
are talking about the art and science of letting go. Now.
In the previous segment, we talked about awareness is the
first step up to being able to let go. So
if we go back to what I asked you to
that fill in the blank today, I am aware that
(19:09):
I'm holding onto blank and it makes me feel blank.
Which one of these emotions do you believe? Right now?
Go with what you're holding onto love, fear or anger?
As I said as we close out the first segment,
(19:31):
at its deepest level, the prospect of letting go forces
us up against one of these strong emotional drivers, love,
fear and anger. So let's talk about each one a
bit and you decide which one may be related to
what you might be holding on to and struggling with
(19:52):
the change that comes with letting go. So love itself
is is a powerful counterweight to letting go. So even
if a relationship has ended it's out of your life
there's been because of death, because of divorce, or long
(20:16):
after there's been a breakup, you can steal love that
person and thoughts of them and the feelings of love
can take up a lot of time in your heart
and your head. So when it comes to letting go
in this sense, it means loosening that internal attachment. The
(20:41):
oxymoron of that is that's going to feel like losing
that love again. And man, oh man, is that painful?
And we humans are really good at avoiding pain, aren't we.
Yet with all of our avoidance behaviors, we tend to
create more pain and contribute to our suffering and avoidance
(21:05):
behaviors I've talked about in previous shows. It often involves
things that can lead to addictions, over drinking, overeating, overspending.
A lot of those things to numb us from pain
creates more pain. But here's the flip. What makes the
letting go after the loss of love worthwhile, of course,
(21:30):
is that letting go of that old attachment opens up
the real possibility of new love in your life. So
it's about releasing so that you can receive. Now does
that sound inspiring or motivating perhaps, except that uncertainty. As
(21:58):
the unscripted few fature I should say, feel those unknowns.
Guess what that brings up? Fear? Well, guess what that
other driver is. Fear, fear of the unknown, fear of failure,
fear future loss, fear of additional pain. Fear makes us
(22:21):
cling to what we know, like that scratch eble security blanket,
however bad it makes us feel. Fear makes us avoid
what we perceive to be possibly more uncomfortable than what
(22:43):
we already have. And then there's the other driver. Anger. Now,
anger might be really easy to understand, right, we understand
what can make us mad or even other people mad?
You know, the bad guy wins. Sometimes life isn't always fair,
(23:04):
and to let go of a past injustice that really
won't let go of us. We have to be able
to let go of our hope that this that this
injustice will ever be righted, or that will there will
ever be exposure for our wrongdoer, that other people will
(23:25):
ever get it that we were right and they were wrong,
That our narcissistic ex will be known for whom he is,
or your cheating business partner will be reprimanded in court,
or your lying former friend will be outed to your
(23:48):
other friends for what she is. But you got to
let go of that. That's difficult, isn't it? So letting go,
oh means confronting these invisible emotional barriers. And this is
the art. The science is the structure we understand. The
(24:12):
science is the attachment, all this attachment that's happening in
our head and our bodies. Letting go the art, the choice,
the decision. The conscious part becomes the art confronting these
invisible barriers, challenging your defensive thinking, opening your heart and
(24:32):
mind to a new way of thinking and therefore feeling
means choosing change. So have you identified what you desire
to let go of and what may be an emotional
barrier for you? And if so, will you choose or
(24:53):
resist change? When we do something new, often step outside
our comfort zone, right, and that means we will experience
discomfort and discomfort, whether in a new exercise or life
experience leads to strength and growth. But discomfort is different
(25:19):
from pain. It is expansion and ultimately transformation. I have
a pillow on my guest bed that says bloom where
you're planted. It reminds me that often our plants outgrow
the pots they're in their roots, or start pushing on
(25:41):
the pots. They have to be planted into a bigger pot,
and that initial transference creates shock to the roots. But
they need the bigger pot so that they can grow.
They have to be transplanted, they have to be moved,
they need that new environment. It's the same for us
(26:02):
mentioned earlier holding onto things. I mentioned that holding on
in general can block us from our higher consciousness, our intuition,
those types of things. So what does literal clutter do.
And I'm not referring to collections for those people who
(26:23):
collect specific things, but what does clutter of invaluable, outgrown,
under used, or that just an array of objects due
to us? It really does cloud our vision. We were
talking about this with the Vision Board workshop last night.
It blocks positive change. So what are we really avoiding
(26:50):
by adding to our environment with clutter, and what are
we really trying to hold on to. So if this
is something I've struggled with this earlier in life, what
are you really trying to hold on to? What are
you fearing you're really going to lose when you hold
on to things? And what if that clutter is unopened
(27:15):
mail or bills. This is a behavior habit that creates
more loss and grief and struggle again awareness, we have
to face it to change it. So if this is
one of your struggles, please see a financial counselor make
a plan get out of this avoidance behavior habit. For
(27:40):
those of you who pay or receive alimony or child
support or pay it right, that comes along with high
emotional investment and interest if you will, it may have
you paying or collecting in anger and resentment. What do
(28:06):
you need to let go of there and get a
positive shift in your thoughts around that? Are you holding
on to something and every time it comes every month
or every time you have to send it? What's happening?
What are you holding on to? And what about these
(28:26):
holidays that we're in Like alimony and child support, holidays
can be triggers. What might need you what might you
need to change? Now we talk about this as support group.
What traditions do you want to keep because they're really
for you, Like go of attachments to someone else and memories?
(28:50):
Which ones do you want to let go of? What
do you want to start in you? These are decisions
and choices. But what do you fear you're going to
lose if you let something go? And then there's this
thing we do to ourselves and I see this often
(29:14):
in divorced groups as well. We stay in contact or
we over expose ourselves to the person or the situation
that is the source of our pain in the first place.
So what do we need to start doing or stop
(29:35):
doing to help ourselves? Start untangling, disconnecting, letting go, to
free ourselves emotionally from either the chains or the ties
or the web that keeps us connected to the sources
(29:56):
of our pain. Again, I like to say say, it's
about taking responsibility for your healing. It really is. If
you hear nothing else today, please hear this. Healing is
a process and not an event. It's not as sink
(30:16):
I set as the French say, there is no start
time and in time. It's not a happy hour. If
you will, everyone's timeline is different. Time heals all wounds
is a saying do you believe that I do? But
it requires our cooperation and it will leave scars. There's
(30:37):
a difference between a wind and a scar. When we
cooperate with time, our open wounds can close and scar over,
and the scar becomes a reminder of where we've been,
as there are some things that we are not to forget.
And if we do not cooperate, the wind will stay
open and vulnerable. But once the scar has formed, the
(30:59):
wound is closed and no longer painful and vulnerable to
being reopened. It remains simply a reminder of what we've
been through and perhaps a reminder of our strength. But
some of us keep our wounds open by what By
ruminating our thoughts those past wounds, we let our rearview
(31:22):
mirror be our windshield. Our focus is in the wrong direction.
We expose ourselves to those memory inducers, to the people, places, things.
My gosh, the music, the songs, The power of music
and memories is phenomenal, isn't it? And as we said,
everyone's timeline is different, and this includes what is known
(31:48):
being in the grief cycle. You cannot heal and you
cannot let go if you have not grieved. It is
time for our second break, and when we come back,
the second part of letting go awareness and then grieving,
don't go far. We'll be back with more soul CPR.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Are you struggling to care for elderly parents or a spouse?
Do you wonder if being a caregiver is making you sick?
Are you worried about taking time off work to care
for elderly parents and balance work life and caregiving? Has
caregiving become exhausting and emotionally draining? Are you an aging
adult who wants to remain independent but you're not sure how.
(32:30):
I'm Pamela d Wilson. Join me for the Carrying Generation
radio show for caregivers and aging adults Wednesday evenings, six Pacific,
seven Mountain, eighth Central, and nine Eastern, where I answer
these questions and share tips for managing stress, family relationships, health, wellbeing,
and more. Podcasts and transcripts of The Carrying Generation are
(32:50):
on my website, Pamela Dwilson dot com, plus my Caregiving library,
online caregiver support programs and programs for corporations interested in
so repporting working caregivers, help, hope and support for caregivers
is here on the Carring Generation and Pamela Dwilson dot com.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
Doctor RC will share extraordinary resources and services that promote
educational success as well as making a difference in the
lives of all social workers as well as the lives
of children, adolescents and teens of today. She will have
open discussions addressing many of the issues that we face
about our youth and how being employed in the uniquely
skilled profession of social work for over eighteen years has
(33:33):
taught invaluable lessons through her personal experiences. She will also
provide real life facts, examples and personal stories that will
confirm that why serving as a child advocate is extremely
beneficial when addressing the needs of the whole child. Listen
Live to Dare to Soar Saturdays ten am Eastern on
the BBM Global Network and tune in radio as doctor
(33:56):
RC will provide thought provoking information that will empower in
courage and strengthen students, families and communities across our nation.
You can also visit her at Soarwithkatie dot com.
Speaker 2 (34:13):
Welcome back and again thank you for tuning in today
very important discussion on the art and science of letting
go and this is going to be a series. Today
is part one. I don't know if there'll be two
or three parts. We'll see where we get to and
how much there's left to talk about, but it is
a very big subject. As I said just before the break,
(34:36):
everyone's timeline is different when it comes to healing. And
I'm also saying that you cannot truly let go of
your past if you've not fully greeted your losses. So
the first step to letting go is awareness and the
next step is to greet. So the awareness is what
you're holding on to, as we said before, and how
(34:57):
it makes you feel, how you want to feel instead,
and then what's the emotional driver connected to what you're
holding on to? And we talked about the three emotional
drivers that are primary in this situation, which are love, fear,
and anger. So grieving the most familiar to us when
(35:21):
we talk about grieving and a grief cycle is the
Keepler Ross's model shock, denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance. And it's
called a cycle because it's not linear, and I find
it to be like the spin cycle in a washing machine,
back and forth, up and down, right and left, spun
(35:43):
around one direction and then another. So let's take a
look a little closer. So when we talk about denial,
this is really a conscious or unconscious refusal, if you will,
to accept facts, information, reality, or whatever that's relating to
(36:06):
your situation. And it kind of protects us from the
intensity of loss, and it will start diminishing once we're
able to acknowledge the impact of whatever's happened. But things
that are happening when we're in denial, our thoughts are
our actions and behaviors are avoidance, right, we might avoid.
(36:30):
There's confusion, there's elation, right, there's shock, there's also fears.
It's very complicated. It's not just that this isn't happening.
It's a very complicated stage in the cycle denial. Anger.
(36:50):
Anger is when you can no longer really deny it
and whatever it is, the emotions are high. Rage maybe,
which is acting out on anger in a very prolific way.
It can result from those feelings of abandonment. It can
(37:12):
lead to guilt. Guilt can reside here for having gotten angry,
even frustration, irritation, anxiety can all show up at this point.
So another very major stage, as they all are. And
what about bargaining a lot of people struggle to understand
(37:34):
this stage. But this is when we kind of start
dwelling on what could have been or should have been,
or how we might have done something to prevent the loss,
and we struggle to find meaning. We're searching for meaning,
we're reaching out, we're telling the story, we're really it's
(37:56):
almost that a lot of people start in a place
of desperation, but we're really talking here, we're really searching
for that meaning. I think is the best way to
explain that one depression sadness, helpless, hopeless, defeated. This is
when sort of our daily routine is really impacted, sleeping, eating,
(38:20):
feeling of loneliness, unpleasant, but it is necessary to go
through this. Nobody really bypasses these stages. Some may be
shorter than others. They're not necessarily in this order. You
jump around. You may hit them certainly more than once.
(38:41):
Each depression may for you may look like overwhelm. There
may be hostility, may be more internal than external. You
may have that flight response. You just want to shut down,
get away, isolate those types of things. Acceptance and this
(39:01):
is where we hope to get to and stay eventually,
and we do, and we do eventually, this is when
we start sort of integrating the emotions into our life
experience and the healing begins as we move forward. We
started kind of exploring options of what life is going
(39:22):
to be like after the loss, and we kind of
put a new plan in place. But people who try
to bypass grief never fully healed. That wound does not
become a scar, It remains open. There's triggers are more prominent,
(39:44):
and those behaviors of numbness become more more apparent again
because healing has not really happened. So, you know, some
of these things in denial, you may hear this isn't happening.
(40:04):
Everything's okay, I don't need any help. Anger, How can
this happen to me? This isn't fair. Who did this?
Who's to blame? Looking for you know, finger pointing, bargaining
might be in the case of death. I know in
my case when my son, please take me instead God,
(40:26):
that type of thing, or I'll do anything for a
few more minutes with this person, or just you know,
allow me to see this or to do that, or
give me one more chance with this person. You know
that I lost, I'll be a better husband, wife, I'll
be a better mother, father, whatever it may be, it's
(40:49):
the bargaining stage. Depression can be what's the point? Why
even't bother? Why try? I even hope at this point,
the depression can be really low. It is the lowest,
but it can show up differently for each of us.
(41:11):
Right acceptance is when we get to a place where
we find peace and we understand that everything happens for
a reason. Even though we may not yet find the
reason and purpose in our pain, we do believe that
it will be rebuilt to us. At some point we
recognize we can't change what's happened and that it's going
(41:36):
to be okay regardless. A lot of people find their
spiritual connection here to help, and if you don't have one,
recognize that spirituality it's not the same thing as religion.
I find a lot of people let their past experience
with religion block them from having a spiritual connection. I
(41:57):
would encourage you to if that's your truth, to encourage
you to study, read, explore what a spiritual connection may
be for you that's different from religion, and or use
what you believe and hold truth from religion to help
you connect and have a spiritual connection because it does
(42:19):
become an anchor for so many in getting beyond loss.
All right, now that we've talked about grief, do you
believe you may be stuck in the grief cycle? How
might this be your truth in some way? Because awareness
(42:41):
and grief and ensuring that you have arrived at acceptance
doesn't mean you might not be triggered from time to time.
But it's how long you stay down, how long you
get you're in that washing machine. Okay, Recognize if you
(43:02):
are still in a place of grief or grieving, or
if you try to bypass it all together, if that's
the block to your ability to let go, if that
explains behaviors of clutter or unopened mail, or holding on
to things and people who no longer serve you. The
(43:26):
third step is forgiveness. And this is this is big.
I've mentioned it before on the show that forgiveness is
the effort in my business. But to move forward out
of the past requires positive action, and as we know
all too well, without effort, yesterday's gonna hang around. And
(43:50):
there's nothing more positive and affirming than forgiving. So the
third step to let go, to decide to forgive. Forgiveness
is a decision and it is the master key to
your emotional freedom. And people ask me, is it really
(44:11):
possible to be wronged and to be unjustly treated and
deeply hurt and then forgive the person who did that
to me? It is I've done it, and I've witnessed it,
and it helps to understand really what you're up against
(44:34):
within yourself, because there pays off to stay angry. Sometimes
it can, but not for long. Long term anger has
been linked to certain cancers, specifically co erectal. However, in
(44:56):
the short term, anger can be very motivating. It gives
us us courage to confront someone, to stand up, to
find our voice. It fuels us, It gives us the
energy to get through something that we need to get
through a painful trial. Perhaps forgiveness can sometimes feel like,
(45:19):
or we think it sounds like we're letting our perpetrator,
our offender, off the hook. So we have to come
to believe that there is more to be gained by
forgiving than by staying angry, and there is eventually, So
(45:49):
when you can say there's no longer something I can
do that's positive and constructive with my anger, there's nothing
I can do positive and constructive with my anger, there's
(46:11):
nothing I don't need my voice anymore. I don't need
to stand up and speak up. There's nothing good that
can come from my anger as fuel to get There's
nothing else I need to get through. The trial is over,
then the cost to me carrying the burden of my
anger is likely far exceeding the rewards of my mental
(46:37):
punishment of the offender, because they're really not the ones suffering,
are they. It's me. It's when I make that decision
that forgiveness is now possible. Now this has been shown
repeatedly by victims forgiving the perpetrator of violence against them,
(47:02):
or families forgiving the person who murdered their loved one.
They are an amazing example to me. Now, No, forgiveness
does not excuse or condone someone's choice or behavior. It
says you wronged me. I didn't deserve it. I'm just
(47:23):
done with being angry. I've carried it long enough. It's
not helping me, and it's really not hurting you. So
I'm laying it down because I don't need to carry
it anymore. Forgiveness is the gift I give myself. It's
time for our third and final break, and when we
come back. Some final thoughts on this Part one in
(47:46):
a series of the art and science of letting.
Speaker 1 (47:49):
Go, author, radio show host and coach John M. Hawkins
reveal strategies to help gain perspective, build confidence, find clarity,
achieve goals. John M. Hawkins' new book Coached to Greatness
Unlock Your Full Potential with Limitless Growth, published by I Universe,
(48:11):
Hawkins reveals strategies to help readers accomplish more. He believes
the book can coach them to greatness. Hawkins says that
the best athletes get to the top of their sport
with the help of coaches, mentors, and others. He shares
guidance that helps readers reflect on what motivates them. We
discover and assess their core values, philosophies and competencies, find
(48:35):
settings that allow them to be the most productive, and
track their progress towards accomplishing goals. Listen to John hawkins
My Strategy Saturdays one pm Eastern on the VBM Global
Network and tune in radio. Mike Zorich are three time
California state champion in Greco Roman wrestling at one hundred
(48:57):
and fourteen pounds. Mike Blind's its birth was born in Hartford, Connecticut.
He was a six time national placer, including two seconds,
two thirds, and two fourths. He also won the Veterans
Folk Style Wrestling twice at one hundred and fifty two pounds.
In all these tournaments, he was the only blind competitor.
(49:19):
Nancy Zorich a creative spirit whose talents have taken her
to the stage and into galleries and exhibitions in several states.
Her father, a commercial artist who shared his instruments with
his daughter and helped her fine tune her natural abilities,
influenced her decision to follow in his footsteps. Miss Zurich
has enjoyed a fruitful career doing what she loves. Listen
(49:42):
Saturday mornings at twelve Eastern with a Nancy and Mike
Show for heartwarming stories and interesting talk on the BBM
Global Network.
Speaker 2 (49:53):
Forgiveness. It is f Ford sometimes, isn't it? Listen? Some
people find it helpful to write down their decision to
forgive and the why. Always know your why for anything
that you decide to do in your life and stay
connected to the why. Some find it helpful to share
(50:15):
their decision with someone significant in their life to make
it public. If you will with someone that's important to them.
I remember reading a blog that someone wrote a letter
to their father saying something about, like, Dad, your rages
(50:36):
were terrifying, but I'm now able to forgive you for
being an alcoholic. I know you would have never chosen
that struggle. So by having done that, she didn't have
to say that she's forgiven. That forgiving was her release right.
(50:57):
And by acknowledging that he would have been chosen that struggle,
it was acknowledging his humanness. It was showing compassion, which
says something about her and allowed her to tap into
her truth rather than carrying this heaviness and this fear
and this trauma from childhood for life and the resentment
(51:24):
and bitterness perhaps that went along with it. Now, what
about yourself and those daily inner critic or grimlin reminder
messages that my colleagues and I call them that inflict
self harm? You know, those little messages that say to you,
you know you blew that opportunity in college, or you
(51:44):
said something you didn't mean to your child, or you
like to a friend, Is it time to forgive yourself? Well?
Is there something positive you can do to remediate that
situation now? Rather than beat yourself up in your thoughts.
If so, do it. If not, the next step is
what forgive? Forgive yourself that is letting go. Remember forgiveness
(52:12):
as a decision. It is choosing to let go and
choosing to heal so loss. There's so much more to
talk about, and letting go is never easy, but it
is doable. I have a twelve week online sole CPR
(52:33):
course and I have an eight week sole CPR private
coaching program that takes you through these steps in more
of a deep dive way. And if you're interested, you
can go to my website skibewcoaching dot com for information
or schedule a complimentary discovery session so we can have
a conversation to help determine which may be best for
(52:54):
you at this time in your life. This is the
holiday period and it just so happens that my Tuesday
episodes happen to fall on Christmas Eve and New Year's
Eve the next two and the studio is going to
be closed, so we will not have any episodes these
next two weeks, but we will come back in the
(53:14):
new year and continue with the Letting Go series. And
I have some exciting guests with incredible stories that I'll
be bringing into the new year for you as well.
Please do continue to send me show ideas and topics
that you would like to hear about. I always enjoy
researching and bringing those to you on Tuesdays. So as
(53:39):
this episode of soul CPR comes to a close, remember
that healing is not a linear journey, but rather a
process of profound transformation. So today's episode resonated with you.
Please do share the podcast with those who might need
a lifeline of their own. Subscribe, rate and leave a
review to help us reach warheart's I do greatly appreciate that.
(54:00):
Connect with me on social media on Facebook, it is
at Skyview Coaching, Instagram, LinkedIn, and x It's at and Papayode.
Not easy to spell, but once you get it, it's
not so bad. So again, let me know your thoughts,
your stories, and the topics you'd like to explore in
future episodes. So until next time, now you find strengthen
your vulnerability and courage in your journey. Thank you for listening.
(54:23):
Breathe deeply, love openly, and live soulfully. I'll see you
next year.
Speaker 1 (54:31):
This has been soul CPR with host and Papa Yode
breathe life back into your spirit with each episode, where
she and special guests explore the relationships that hurt us
and discover that healing can only begin with you. Tuesdays
at three pm Eastern on the Bold Brave TV Network.
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