Get ready ladies, because today we are talking about getting back into the dating world as a single mom! We couldn't be more excited than to have back #ladyboss, entrepreneur, mom, and dear friend Cassandra Quick! Cassandra is a Psychotherapist and Certified Coach and founder of "Illuminate Counseling" and "Embodied Rise Institute." Krista and Cassandra have been close girlfriends for years now and they loved to meet out once and month for dinner and talk about careers, motherhood, and oh yes dating! UGH! let's be honest the struggle can be real! Just finding the confidence to get back into the game can be overwhelming, especially in a world of dating apps. Get ready to hear the good, bad, and the ugly. What's most exciting Cassandra teaches us how to show up for ourselves with confidence and learning it's ok to have boundaries! So what kind of goodies does Cassandra have in store for us?
*How do you help moms calm their nervous systems before the big date?
*How do you get through the rollercoaster of constant "bad dates"
*When is it a good time to introduce your kiddos to the one that you've finally connected with?
*Learn how you can join Cassandra and other high-performing women when it comes to coaching
The fabulous ending to Krista & Cassandra's stories is they both found the "ONE" through their dating journey's and you can too! We can't wait for you to take this path we us:)
*How do you help moms calm their nervous systems before the big date?
*How do you get through the rollercoaster of constant "bad dates"
*When is it a good time to introduce your kiddos to the one that you've finally connected with?
*Learn how you can join Cassandra and other high-performing women when it comes to coaching
The fabulous ending to Krista & Cassandra's stories is they both found the "ONE" through their dating journey's and you can too! We can't wait for you to take this path we us:)
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
This is the Mad's Own Mom Squad podcast, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hard working real mamas having real conversations. Now
sit back, relax, and get ready to talk mom life
with Christa and her Squad.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Well, am I excited about today's topic, because let's be honest, ladies,
the struggle is real when you realize, Oh my gosh,
I'm a single mom and I got to get my
butt out there into the dating world. Can we cry
right now? If you could see my ugly face, she
would understand. But of course I have one of my
dearest and bestist friends joining us in the studio because,
(00:37):
believe me, her and I have been on our single
journey for quite a while being single moms, and yes
we have done the dating apps and we want to
let you know the truth of what we've experienced. But
she is a professional when it comes to helping out
so many in our community and outward. Say hello to
my beautiful friend. She is the owner of Illuminate Counseling
(00:57):
and also she is a psychotherapist in certified coach Cassandra Quick.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Oh girl, Hello, good morning.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Looking fabulous as always, Mama.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Thank you, we're matching in our green tops. This morning
and your gorgeous green and gold, green.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
And gold, green and gold. Right, packers and go packers.
That's right.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I mean, but this is like, this is queen energy
this morning, Christa.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes, it is, Yes, it is. So it's really exciting
to have you on this particular show because, believe me,
Cassandra and I what throughout the I don't know, the
last two summers have been going back and forth meeting
each other out and about for dinner, you know, throughout
the year, and then talking about our dating experiences, right,
and the.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Lack of Yeah, well, I mean it was it was
quite a journey. And you know when we get together,
we talk about all the good and all the struggles
and all the struggles right, Yeah, yeah, I mean it's
it's real, real talk, sure, and that's the way that
it is.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Yeah, I mean, we would we would meet together, of course,
just to talk about being lady bosses in our fields, life,
just life, taking care of our kiddos, that's right. And uh,
what what is this thing called love?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Right? Yes? Yes, all the ups and downs of the
dating world.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yes, well, let's get into this because again you are
the professional of my love and you have helped me
with a lot of things. Especially, it's very important to
stay grounded in your mental health. And that's why, right,
that's why you're here today. So a lot of single
mamas say dating just feels too overwhelming. It's it's bringing
on another layer onto stress or you know, finding the
(02:42):
time to dedicate yourself. I know for myself. Gia's like, Mom,
if you don't put yourself out there, you're never going
to find someone. And I'm just like, no, no wisdom,
I know, right, So wisdom, the wisdom from.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Them are kids, right, yeah, And that's like having permission.
It's like we sometimes we need that from our kids.
But like our kids can be barometers for like, you know,
what they see us behave, like what they see us
in how we feel, you know, how we're managing our
(03:19):
nervous system. They can they can sense that. And so right,
I mean, if if you're getting that from Gia and
she's like, yeah, go for it, mom, that's like permission.
It's like oh a little bit of a softening, right,
Like that softening like okay, yeah, can.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I tell you real quick? This is now her second permission.
Her first permission was coming up to me and saying, Mom,
I know you worked really hard trying to keep your
marriage with dad, and I want you to know it's okay, Yeah,
I'm okay if you get divorced.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
And that was right.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
It was because of that, because if she didn't say
that to me, right, I would have felt the guilt. Yes, oh,
absolute handling guilt right.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It was very difficult to say goodbye to seventeen years
of a marriage, you know, and Travis, we are very
good friends right now. But it's because of my daughter's
strength I was able to do that. Sad as it is,
as you know, well, tell us a little bit about
your background because you're a single mom.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
As well, right exactly, and so my story is a
little different. I have been divorced since twenty twelve. I
had to almost think about that before I sat it.
And it's been fourteen years. Fourteen years, right and off
and on over the years, dating sometimes toxic, unhealthy experiences
(04:40):
and healing within myself. So healing my own nervous system
was part of how I got to the point of
attracting someone into my life right now that will be
in my life.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Forever and I can't wait to get into that.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Yes, yes, you know, so fe years of you know,
the ups and the downs. We talk about the ups
and the downs from the last two years fourteen years
of it, right, and I went through about five years
of intensive like off and on intensive EMDR therapy for
trauma and really sensing into my attachment wounds, understanding like
(05:24):
what was the reason why I was choosing to be
with toxic or unhealthy people? And you know, I figured
it out and I was I've been a therapist for
twenty one years, yes, twenty one years, and I myself
needed to figure that out, right, And that's where the
power lies when we focus on ourselves, when we focus
(05:47):
on Okay, now that I've even healed some deep trauma
wounds and I'm talking like big t traumas, so you know,
whether it be abuse, neglect, experiencing grief, all sorts of
medical trauma, there's all sorts of different things that we
can experience. But once you do that, then it's like, oh,
(06:10):
and then our nervous system is like, I don't know
what to do with myself. I don't know, like okay,
I think I trust myself, and then it's like okay, Well,
sensing into that sense of self trust is so incredibly powerful.
Because it helps us sense into our intuition and then
(06:33):
we take that into the dating world. Then we take
more of a regulated nervous system into that dating world,
and that is where that's where the power is.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
I think it's And this was just my experience of
power that I needed to take through years to myself.
Oh yes, right, right, so right. I was divorced in
what was it, twenty twenty one? Yeah, And that's the
choice that I did for myself is to relearn who
I who I was and too, I had a lot
of a lot of pain that I needed to end
(07:06):
in my life and to seek comfort, and I met
with you and you helped me with the d m
R during that time because I went through something traumatic
now with my ex husband, but something unfortunately that happened.
So I learned what I didn't want in a next relationship.
I learned what I wasn't going to do in my
next relationship, rings that I wanted things that you know,
(07:28):
I became a different person. I am a different person.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, I would agree I am as well. Even like
in the last couple of years, there have been some
really profound growth experiences for me and it's like next
level it's just.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I can't imagine you being more fabulous than you already are.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
Well, we're all like we're you know, but we're all
going through that, right And it doesn't mean that there
is the seeking of perfection or the ultimate version of yourself.
It's always an up and down experience and right.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Like, yeah, so how did you stay grounded?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Oh? So so many things. This is part of what
I teach women in both therapy and coaching, and so
for me, it was all about uh, tuning into the
body and understanding, Okay, what is my body telling me today?
If I feel a flutter in my chest? What do
I do? Like if I'm feeling like I like, I'm
(08:30):
just feeling jittery, or I just like need to burn
off some energy, Okay, go for a walk, do some
grounding exercises. Yoga has been incredible. I've done yoga since
I was nineteen and now I'm a yoga teacher and
I teach trauma conscious yoga right like so so, and
it doesn't have to be like this big thing. You
(08:52):
don't have to go to a studio and do an
hour class. You could do it in your living room,
just like mindful stress exercises moving our body, shaking, you know,
just sort of shaking your hands out to the side
of your body, you know, stretching your hands up over
(09:12):
your head like just you know, I'll do that. Yeah,
exactly right, and you know, exactly so, just taking a
moment to honor yourself because us as moms are putting
so much effort and energy into everyone around us constantly.
That's what we do. We do it without even understanding.
(09:34):
It's very subconscious and then so turning that back into
yourself that's scary for a lot of us. It's really
scary to do that. Even for thirty seconds. It can
be like okay, yep, okay, yep, I'm putting my hand
on my chest at the thiamus it's in the center
of the chest, and we just stay taking yeah, just
(09:55):
taking a moment. And this is part of the trauma
tapping technique. It's an acupressure point on your body and
putting pressure on that regulates the vagus nerve. It's my
favorite favorite part to help me really reset and center.
(10:16):
My body feels it immediately, that's my body. Your body
might be different. Your body might like like a different
acupressure point, so there are different acupressure points, there are
different body movements we can do. We can move we
can take a walk. If one of the best things
that you can do for yourself if you're stressed is
take a walk. And there are reasons for that because
(10:38):
when you're walking and you're processing something really stressful. I'm
going to say this very lightly, it's not doing AMDR,
but it's bilateral stimulation. And so what that does is
it helps us process and calm down something that might
be stressful or bothersome to us. And you can find
(10:59):
that you oh, it's like, oh I feel better now. Yeah,
there's a reason why because you just helped your brain
calm down. Yes, right, and so like even something like that,
like I can't tell you how many times I've done that.
I know the science behind it, right, but that's why
we feel so good when we do those things. Just
go take a five minute walk. It doesn't have to
(11:20):
be this big, it doesn't have to be a big
hike somewhere you know, you don't need anybody else with
you as long as you're in a safe space. But
you know, there's all of that, and then how about
put some music on, yes, and just dance it out,
like all the move your body wherever. It is, dancing
in the kitchen, you know, like as you're making dinner
(11:42):
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Absolutely, I was doing it. I was dancing around the pool, like, yes,
but doing that and right for me, that's like super
important because I deal with anxiety. I've talked about it
many times, and so it's hard. It's hard to overcome that, right, right,
like how do you how do you? How do I
get this out of my body?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
For me, it's listening to music, yes, very profound.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Oh my goodness, it's so good. Yeah, so so good.
And then when you pair that with body movement and
that just like you're listening to your body, that is
such a great way to ground.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
So did you did you feel like when you finally
got into the dating scene that it was very overwhelming
for you?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Well, way back fourteen years ago, it was a lot.
It was a lot, and I could look back and
I can say, oh, yeah, I could have taken some
time to myself a little bit more, right, But I
had been in a relationship for a long time, like
sixteen years, so it was almost the same, right, And
(12:53):
then fourteen years ago, you know, as far as dating goes,
there was match match existed, and you know, there are
like different ways to meet people online, and so you know,
I just went through those journeys of meeting people. But yeah,
my nervous system was really just not in a good place.
(13:15):
I would have to do some tapping before going on dates.
And you know that persisted like up until about three
years ago or so. And then my nervous system really
like after a lot of trauma work and therapy and
personal work like actually doing yoga, actually using the tapping
like EFT, actually meditating and breathing and moving my body,
(13:40):
being active, going to the gym. It's one of my
favorite things to do. Good lifting heavy right, And you know,
after all of that for a long time, I finally
put myself out there and I felt the strongest that
I have felt ever. And I was like, I am
(14:01):
putting myself out there this year. I am just gonna
like I'm going to And it wasn't like, you know,
I'm going to date fifty people, you know, fifty first
dates or whatever.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I have a girlfriend who did that, by the way, Yeah,
she did it for thirty days straight and she did
meet her husband. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Well, I dated all last year and didn't right, and
so like I think I think I went. I think
it was like twenty seven different people that I went
on dates with and and it was, you know, like
I met I went on my worst date ever. Oh Les,
(14:41):
Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness. Yeah, I mean that
was definitely it was you know, like you give people chances,
and even those little yellow flags can be indicators, like
you're into a sh and is telling you something, something
(15:01):
is off, something is just not right, and you know,
like it only it was only one date, but I
felt so in my power that I knew that this
was not it, and I like, at the end of
the experience, I was very gracious and I just said,
you know, I don't think this is going to work.
(15:23):
And yeah, I mean, it definitely was. It was a
situation where I was in public. I said goodbye to
him and I went to my car, and it was
it was in a parking lot and there were people
around and everything. But he followed me to my car
after I had ended things, and he followed me to
(15:45):
my car and I I said, you know, you're making
me feel very unsafe right now, and you need to
walk away, and he just sort of like couldn't let
it go that he didn't understand and I had explained
where I was coming from, right, And we don't owe
men anything. When we're on a date and we are
(16:09):
in a situation where something isn't working, you have every
right to get up and walk out with no explanation.
You don't need to explain whatever is within your you know,
in your value system for yourself and for me, sure,
I needed to be in that moment to say, hey,
(16:31):
you need to step away, like this is this, We're done,
like this is you know, safe travels back. I'm going
my way, you can go your way, right?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
And was he respectful of that?
Speaker 3 (16:43):
He was? He was respectful of that. And I immediately
blocked him and moved on. And I had been an
online dating last year, so that was an online connection.
But I didn't put myself in any safety risk. It
wasn't in the car with him or anything like that.
You always want to put yourself in a space of
safety on the first date so that you can take
(17:04):
you know, steps for yourself. Bring cash with you always, oh,
because if like if you need a quick exit and
you want to just leave cash for your your portion
of the bill or something. That's something I learned, and
you can get up and leave it any time there's
you do not need to stay. You can walk away.
(17:26):
And I you know, I learned my lesson several times
where it just you know, it didn't feel right and
I kind of felt like I had to, you know,
stick around just a couple more minutes. Maybe there's something
else that you know will connect on and you just
trust your intuition, right, So even in a situation like that,
(17:50):
you know, and I'm grateful, like, yeah it was. It
was definitely not an easy situation, right, But I know
I didn't know him any anything, and that was that
was the power that I had right in that moment.
And and also I would say that if you're watching
(18:12):
someone consume alcohol over and over and over, you're going
to see a different version of them as well. And
I think that's what happened in the situation.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
So this is someone that you were actually talking probably
for a little.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Bit before now, I mean it was like it was
like a week sure, yeah, right, it was just a
week's time. And you get to know someone's behavior, you know,
and how they handle stress, and you know, some conversations
that come up that just you're just not aligned, right,
And one of the things that we have to be
really strong in ourselves in the dating world is our
(18:48):
own value system. And if someone is not aligned with
our value system, they're not changed. They're not going to
change there. I mean, like we're in our we're in
our forties right, right, Like we're kind of set and
what our values are, and values can change like over time,
but you know, there can be some really stark differences
(19:08):
that create tension and challenges and I definitely don't need
that in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Well, I remember, what was it two years ago. That's
when Giah it was like, you know, my daughter, you know,
put me out on an app. It was Bumble. She
put me out on Bumble. She's like Mom, She's like, okay,
we're gonna I'm gonna help you pick out all your pictures,
help you what, right, you know, because I didn't know.
I was like, I told myself I would never go
on a dating app, right, right, and right, yeah, and
(19:37):
so I did, but you did. But I did and
I connected with someone, and uh, you know, I thought
it was a fabulous date. And then I don't know
if you remember who I'm speaking about, and this was
a long time of communicating with this person. And then
I realized, so this person asked me out once for dinner. Then,
(19:59):
trying not to get too into detail, let me just
say that I ended up feeling like I was just
another number and that after six months of communicating and
not being asked out again, I'm like, what the hell
is going on? Like am I what am I doing?
And I was in my mind, I was like thinking, oh, no,
(20:19):
this person likes me. I'm like, you know, obviously, that's
why we're talking so long. And then to figure out, Okay,
I'm not on the same page as this person. And
so I ended it because I started to feel horrible
about myself. Do you remember that I lost that. I
was like, my value of myself was really really low.
I remember how hurt I was, how angry it was.
(20:41):
I was like, I don't deserve to be treated like this.
And that's very important too. You know, when you go
you come across these like apps and they'll say looking
for a long long relationship or right exactly, be honest
about that up front that you know what that was
something that we didn't discuss. Shame on me, but this
was the first time I ever went out.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I know, but like that that's like a it's a
learning experience, and then it teaches us. Okay, right when
I start putting myself down because of someone else's behavior, right,
like pulling that power back to ourselves and reminding ourselves
of our worth because our worth isn't with it within
us and not in someone else, and it is you
(21:24):
know that that is so incredibly important and to understand
why we seek that and why that's so important to us.
It's about attachment, it's about right.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I started thinking, well, what's wrong with me? Yeah, what's
wrong with me? Right? Like we we I thought we
had like this connection, but you know, I found out
that you know, he said, I don't think I can
give you what you're looking for. I'm like, and I
was like that's fine, Like yeah, right, but I'm going
to end this like right exactly, continue on like talking.
You know.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
It's just like no, right, no, yeah, because that's not like,
that's not what It takes away from the energy of
connection with another person, to have that connection with someone
that's not aligned to us, and sometimes that I mean,
that takes a lot of courage to cut something off
(22:14):
and again pull that power back to yourself and time
and energy right exactly, and then then it opens different doors.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Different doors. But my second one was not. I didn't
finally find my love until my third date. Yeah, so
I only went out on three dates. That's how much
I did not like going on dating. It It was
not for me. Yeah, and then I ended up meeting
somebody else. Horrifying, horrifying, ladies. I cannot tell you enough.
(22:53):
Please watch out for those who try to catfish you.
I got catfish, and I cannot believe that this person
led me on for a month and a half, oh
a month and a half. I can't imagine. It's probably
lie from the beginning to the end.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And they are out there. I also got catfished.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Yeah, yes, I remember.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
It was. I mean, like a couple, like it's three times,
I think three three times, and you know, and quickly
you can get them to reveal who they are when
you say let's get on a video chat. Absolutely, that's
my little trick.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah, And I'm like, why why are you? Why are
you canceling this supposed you know, barbecue that you're going
to drive out, you know, two hours from you know,
we lived like two hours from each other. Oh, and
had to cancel three times in a row.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Yea, what is that? That's really there's something fishy about that.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeahright, Like and of course I'm the one going and
buying all the food, so I did it three times.
I spent like one hundred dollars each time. I'm all
excited that he's coming to visit. Finally we're going to
meet in person after talking for so long.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Lie, just right, it's and then, you know, I have
heard these questions like why do people do that?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Why?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
And I like, from a psychological perspective, right, there are
so many different reasons that I think people do that,
but their own insecurities. I you know, there are some
deep wounds.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Full fledged narcissists for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
And that too, right, I mean, there are just manipulators
sociopaths out there that are very good at what they do.
And it's that is not what we're trying to attract.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Now, you don't you don't want one of those. And
I would just say the red lights or the red flags,
and eventually came through and say, you know, I wait
a minute, you you were telling me you had all
this money, like you're you're you know you're you're this
kind of person and then you're asking me for money.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Now here we go, Yes, and that is that happens?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yes, three times at three times he asked me to
send him money.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
Oh, oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And then his brother ends up texting me and saying,
you know what he needs, he's not in a good
place right now and I can't I can't help him out.
Do you mind? Could you help me, like pay for
his truck? I'm like, oh, now I got the brother
by well.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
And I mean, I can't tell you how many times
I hear this from my clients. Awful, awful that they
and they truly they've been scammed out of a lot
of money. Yeah, it's yeah, So just watch yourselves, ladies,
right like there are people out there that are just
(25:36):
not for you.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
No, it's scary. And and trust your gut, yes absolutely.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Intuition.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Intuition.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Intuition is key, right, and part of that so like
regulating your nervous system, making sure that you're taking care
of yourself will help you stay more in tune to
your intuition. And then you'll know it's like, oh I
feel something, it's and my gut, like my gut is
talking to me. My stomach is like you know, in
(26:03):
nuts or butterflies. Something isn't right here. And and you
also can feel that when you're getting love bombed.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Oh what's a love bomb? I'm honest, like I've learning
about what being ghosted is. Yeah, it's because this is
not what we're used to if you were dating from back,
if you're as old as.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Us, that's how we used to right exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
So this is a whole new world.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
It's a whole new world in modern dating. Right, So,
so being love bombed is what this is. It's what
individuals who are manipulators tend to do to get you
roped in very quickly into a relationship. And it's all
(26:52):
about the nervous system. Now, when we connect with people,
there is a love hormone called oxytocin, and that we
feel this like ah this like you know, sense of
oh my gosh, this is amazing, this person is so wonderful,
like you know, on date one, and we don't know
(27:13):
people on date one, we don't know who they are.
We don't know people after three months, right sure, you know, sure,
or like even six months, like you really start to
get to know people, like nine months in you know that,
like I say, six months and after they say it
takes me typically yeah, yeah, like you could start to see,
like you could start to see like the uncoverings of
(27:36):
like what does a bad day look like for them?
What happens when we disagree? Yes, what happens when they've
had a bad day at work? Right? Like, all these
things start to be revealed. And what love bombing is
is it's this quick connection like, oh my gosh, they're
my soulmate sort of feeling. And trust me, I have
(27:57):
like I've been down that road many times.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Right, well, that this was a perponse, yes.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
And no, like logically you can feel something differently than
what it feels like in your body and so and
we have to know that, Okay, my body is telling
me this is what like, oh my gosh, like all
these things. But then logically I don't know this person.
(28:22):
I need to give this time, you know, I need
to like, you know, come back to myself. What am
I needing in this space? Instead of oh my gosh,
what can this person give me? I want? I want
this relationship all these things and yeah, I mean I
will say when I was dating last year, like most
(28:43):
people that I went out with. No person got past
three weeks, and so after three weeks something would all.
It was always something. It was either what I was
saying and needing and being very clear on wasn't working
for them and they broke it off or I I
was like, this isn't gonna work. And more times than not,
(29:03):
it was like after the first date. There weren't many
people who made it past the first date. And you know,
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Because you're a queen.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Well, but I'm not saying that because you know it's
a flex or something. It's like I knew what I wanted, yes,
and they weren't it, and that's okay, and that's okay, right,
Like you know, I met a lot of great guys.
I met a lot of great guys, and I was
always honest about who I am. I don't hide things.
(29:34):
I am who I am on the first date, and
I'm I am who I am in six nine months,
two years. It just is. It is what it is.
And of course, like yeah, like we present our best
selves and you know, but like I talk about real life.
You know, I'm not gonna just sugarcoat things.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
And I like and that's so important is to really
just be honest about it, Yes, because you know what
you want, so let around the bush.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Let's not feed around the bush, right Yeah, I mean
we're not going to trauma dump, right, we don't like
tell all of our trauma stories to someone on the
first date, right like that that isn't.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Well, that's just going to scare someone there.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Well, I mean yes, But then also like just like
the way that we need to protect ourselves, like not
everyone has that ability to hold space or do how
do I say this? Like we deserve to have people
in our lives that can hold that space for us,
(30:42):
and we just don't know people like right away right
Like it's like it's like is this person trustworthy enough?
And are they going to be able to hold space
for me to tell the story we deserve that, we
deserve to have someone that can handle that. And yeah,
(31:06):
that just takes time to grow that love and trust.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So well, and when you take that time, who are
honest with yourself? You weed out the ones that are
not supposed to be with you And that's all in
love with the one. And I'm so like so excited
for both of us because this has happened for both
of us finally and kind of not far away from
(31:32):
each other that we met finally fabulous men that are
right for us. So I want you to share with
your stories, especially because with having kids, if you are
a single mom and you had kids, that is a
very important thing. Sure you're focusing on because introducing someone
that you finally have met and found like this is
(31:54):
the one. Yes, exactly what do you recommend?
Speaker 3 (31:57):
So it really varies for so for so many reasons.
It varies per person. Right, we talk about ages of
the children, what have the children been through in their
lives with previous partners or divorce or like the timing
of that. When I went through my divorce, they taught
(32:18):
us to wait a year and like post dating someone,
wait a year before you introduce them. Like so, to
be in a relationship with someone for an entire year
as a single mom and never introduce them to your kids,
it's difficult, is really not. It might be research base,
(32:39):
but it's not practical.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
It's not reality.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
It just does not. So my recommendation is to take
some time and like you know, not in the first week,
because we've already just talked about that. We're setting some
standards for ourselves ladies. Okay, right, I know, but you know,
like you have to feel safe and grounded and know
(33:05):
that this person is right for you before you introduce
them to your kiddos.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
And so how many dates did you go on before
you met the fabulous man in your life? And you're like, okay,
this is it.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Well, I mean I want to say the first date
it was love at first sight. I wouldn't. I don't
know that either one of us would have said it
was love at first sight.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
But it was like the connection.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Was ooh yeah, Like I can remember them and I
keep to I tell him the story. I can remember
the moment he was walking down the hall when we
were at we went for tea, and when he was
walking down the hall, I was like.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Oh, okay, look at all of that.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
Oh my goodness, my heart was fluttering in the best way,
you know. So but that is that's like that's what
I'm talking about though, right, It's like I knew, okay, oh,
there's a little spark here. We had great conversation. Our
date was like it was like seven hours long. It
was wonderful, like we had such like there was never
(34:12):
like an awkward moment. It was. It was very flowy.
We had really genuine, authentic conversation about life and what
we were looking for. There was instant chemistry, right. And
so but love is like I think that takes It
(34:33):
takes time and connection and depth and and that might
mean it takes two weeks, and it might mean it
takes two months and it you know, and it just
depends on the couple and their journey, right. So you
I mean, like, so for some people to say I
(34:55):
love you after a couple of weeks, it's not like
it doesn't mean that that's love bombing. It just means
that you're maybe aligned and you know what you want. Right.
So it's the same thing for introducing kids. It's like
having those conversations, having that knowing, having that trust in
the relationship and to work together on like what does
(35:18):
that look like? Right, and to ease them into your
your child's life, like make it like just kind of
organic and fun. It doesn't have to be some like
sit down dinner and like kind of stiff energy around.
It could be it can it's for kids, like I
(35:39):
would integrate something fun in whether that looks like going
out to eat together somewhere like mini golfing, like get
them to be active and like parallel to you know,
your new partner, so you know, they can just kind
of see who this person is, right.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
And I'm sure you know with all ages are different
on yes, reduce your jes.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
All ages are different, yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I mean similar to yours. You know. I finally decided
to go back on the dating app, you know, after
months of being like ah, and then I came across
this beautiful man whose eyes just sparkled and he's just amazing,
you know.
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Yeah, he's he's your king, he's my king, and you
are his queen.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Yes, and he does call me his queen, which is
super sweet.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
It's just.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
This is a different kind of love that I've fallen for,
and it's it's I get teary eyed every time. But
but you know, my my girlfriends are like I can
totally tell, Oh, this is different, and you're so happy
with him. His name is by the way, I love
you burn highly respectful, that's right, very very supportive, funny, Yeah, sexus,
(36:53):
all of it, all of it, all of it. This
is my word. I always say. He makes me feel at.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
Peace right when oh, and this is this is something
that I have said for so long, and I have
it now as well. Find someone who calms your nervous system.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
Like the the instant you are with your person, you
are going to feel a sense of calm. If you've
had a rough day or you know whatever. It looks like,
right you're in a storm, they are there for you,
and they might have had a tough day and they
are there for you. And you can co regulate too,
(37:32):
if you both have had rough days together. Learning how
to coregulate with your partner is really important, just like
that sense of touch sometimes like holding holding a hand
or a hug or you know whatever that might look like.
So yes, oh my goodness, yes, oh boy.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
That and I'd love that you say that too, because
you know we hold hands all the time. Oh yeah,
we call each other babe. Oh yeah, like you know yes?
And might I add the man that you're happens to
be someone that I used to work with. Yeah, and
I think he's fabulous. And I'm like, this makes total
sense that you two work together, And why in the
(38:09):
heck did I never send you?
Speaker 3 (38:13):
It was just it was just meant to happen the
way that it did. And so I'm going to credit
our beautiful friend Tammy with because that that talks. Yeah, yep,
she like he was on her podcast. I had decided
to go off the dating apps January first of this
year and was on my own for a month before
(38:36):
I came across a podcast he was on with her,
and I was like, oh, who is this? Who is
this person? And I sent him a friend request. He
reciprocated and sent me a message and the rest is history.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
I know. There you go, So you know it can happen.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
It can happen, and when you and you sort of
pull back into yourself, the doors can open, right Like
I kept my heart open. I knew I was going
to meet someone in the wild and in the wild
of Facebook on you know, a friends podcast. I didn't
know that that's how it was going to be, right,
you know.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
So but yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
All the alignment can be there.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
So well, it's extremely important to just like you said,
be at one with yourself and truth right to yourself
and know what you want and you don't want, and
take the time. I mean, right, it's not a racing.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Nope, it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
It's not a race.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
So I love this too because you also run like
a coaching community. Yes, for high performing women. I do
moms who are leading, working, parenting, dating.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Doing all the things, doing it all, that's right.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
I mean, how do we even find the time to
give ourselves that?
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Right? So, this community that I'm building, it's a brand
new space. And I just launched my coaching business, Embodied
Rise Institute, and I know I'm back to coaching again. Yes,
so yeah, this community is what we need as women.
(40:18):
So one of the ways that we heal is through
community and sisterhood and supporting each other. And that is
why I built this. I provide life coaching in the space.
I provide science based strategies to help you regulate your
nervous system I say fast. Yes, we can regulate our
(40:38):
nervous systems fast, but we also know that healing takes time.
So it's integrating those tools and understanding that that healing
takes time as well. So that's why the space is there.
And I am opening up the space for ninety seven
dollars for ten founding members.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
That's an incredible price, by the way, right, affordable right,
I mean imperative to what others charge the articulously yes, So.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
And that's going to have access to a course, my
thirty day course, to live coaching sessions a month, and wow,
community of women. So you know it's not just me,
like I'm not like the guru here right, there will
be a this community space, the sanctuary for women to
come together and support each other. And that's that's what
(41:31):
we deserve.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
How do we how do we get in contact with you?
Speaker 3 (41:34):
You can go to Embodied Rise Institute dot com and
learn all about that space and all of the coaching
opportunities that are now available as well.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
So and I highly recommend, ladies that you do because
Cassandra is the best at what she does. Believe me,
this woman has been there for me through thick and thin,
through some very traumatic things in my life and has
helped me. I cannot rave more about ed m R treatment.
It's everything. And so you don't just talk the talk,
(42:06):
you you walk the walk I do. This is something
you've been through and now you've taken your journey in
life and now are empowering women today. That is what
you choose. Think you Yeah, it's incredible. Yeah, well you're incredible.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
Girl, and you as well, like we're just incredible together.
I love being in the space being in this space,
and I.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Just always loved it because when we'd go out for
go out, what was it? Bonfire? Yes, Karen Madison was right,
we get our mocktails. Yeah, we get our mocktails, that's right.
And then we were just there for each other. Women empowerment.
Is that very important?
Speaker 3 (42:40):
That more than community and collaboration over competition every single day,
that's right.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
So I'm just so thrilled for you, and uh, you know,
it happened, It happened, it it did, and everybody's journey
is different. Yeah, but take the time first. Yeah, that's
what I say for yourself, right, especially if you've ended
a relationship.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
Right, absolutely, Yeah, you deserve that, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Because you don't want what you don't want to do
is bring over what you just had into your next relationship. Goodness,
if you don't learn what you write, maybe what you
didn't do right or what was going wrong, or learning
from mistakes because we're not perfect.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
No, exactly exactly. Yeah, and then once you feel ready,
just know that you know when things come up in
your new relationship that it doesn't mean that you haven't healed.
There are parts of new relationships that can't be revealed
until you're in it.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
I like that, So of course I want to let
people know too where they can find you on your
social handles.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Yes, Cassandra and quick on Instagram, so that is that's
my main hub. You can follow me there and there's
all kinds of amazing content, tips, energy, all the good stuff.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Sending the love, honey, sending the love. Well, thank you,
my love for coming on the show today. I just
absolutely adore you and I'm so stink and proud, so
stinking proud of you, Cassandra for everything that you have
worked your butt off and you are deserving of love
and success and peace and happiness, all of it.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
Yeah, yeah, So we'll have to have you on again
because you know this is not just one and done something. Yeah,
you know, we always have to keep together help each
other along the way. So thank you, Madtown. You definitely
don't want to miss out on this beautiful woman entering
into your life. Thank you. All right, until next time,
Matt Town, we'll be talking to you.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
This is the Matton Mom Squad podcast, a production of iHeartRadio.
You're Every episode of Matton Mom Squad podcasts available on
the iHeartRadio app. Apple Music, or wherever you listen to
your favorite podcasts, assass,
This is the Mad's Own Mom Squad podcast, a production
of iHeartRadio. Hard working real mamas having real conversations. Now
sit back, relax, and get ready to talk mom life
with Christa and her Squad.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Well, am I excited about today's topic, because let's be honest, ladies,
the struggle is real when you realize, Oh my gosh,
I'm a single mom and I got to get my
butt out there into the dating world. Can we cry
right now? If you could see my ugly face, she
would understand. But of course I have one of my
dearest and bestist friends joining us in the studio because,
(00:37):
believe me, her and I have been on our single
journey for quite a while being single moms, and yes
we have done the dating apps and we want to
let you know the truth of what we've experienced. But
she is a professional when it comes to helping out
so many in our community and outward. Say hello to
my beautiful friend. She is the owner of Illuminate Counseling
(00:57):
and also she is a psychotherapist in certified coach Cassandra Quick.
Speaker 3 (01:01):
Oh girl, Hello, good morning.
Speaker 2 (01:05):
Looking fabulous as always, Mama.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
Thank you, we're matching in our green tops. This morning
and your gorgeous green and gold, green.
Speaker 2 (01:16):
And gold, green and gold. Right, packers and go packers.
That's right.
Speaker 3 (01:19):
I mean, but this is like, this is queen energy
this morning, Christa.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes, it is, Yes, it is. So it's really exciting
to have you on this particular show because, believe me,
Cassandra and I what throughout the I don't know, the
last two summers have been going back and forth meeting
each other out and about for dinner, you know, throughout
the year, and then talking about our dating experiences, right,
and the.
Speaker 3 (01:43):
Lack of Yeah, well, I mean it was it was
quite a journey. And you know when we get together,
we talk about all the good and all the struggles
and all the struggles right, Yeah, yeah, I mean it's
it's real, real talk, sure, and that's the way that
it is.
Speaker 2 (02:03):
Yeah, I mean, we would we would meet together, of course,
just to talk about being lady bosses in our fields, life,
just life, taking care of our kiddos, that's right. And uh,
what what is this thing called love?
Speaker 3 (02:15):
Right? Yes? Yes, all the ups and downs of the
dating world.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
Yes, well, let's get into this because again you are
the professional of my love and you have helped me
with a lot of things. Especially, it's very important to
stay grounded in your mental health. And that's why, right,
that's why you're here today. So a lot of single
mamas say dating just feels too overwhelming. It's it's bringing
on another layer onto stress or you know, finding the
(02:42):
time to dedicate yourself. I know for myself. Gia's like, Mom,
if you don't put yourself out there, you're never going
to find someone. And I'm just like, no, no wisdom,
I know, right, So wisdom, the wisdom from.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Them are kids, right, yeah, And that's like having permission.
It's like we sometimes we need that from our kids.
But like our kids can be barometers for like, you know,
what they see us behave, like what they see us
in how we feel, you know, how we're managing our
(03:19):
nervous system. They can they can sense that. And so right,
I mean, if if you're getting that from Gia and
she's like, yeah, go for it, mom, that's like permission.
It's like oh a little bit of a softening, right,
Like that softening like okay, yeah, can.
Speaker 2 (03:36):
I tell you real quick? This is now her second permission.
Her first permission was coming up to me and saying, Mom,
I know you worked really hard trying to keep your
marriage with dad, and I want you to know it's okay, Yeah,
I'm okay if you get divorced.
Speaker 3 (03:52):
And that was right.
Speaker 2 (03:53):
It was because of that, because if she didn't say
that to me, right, I would have felt the guilt. Yes, oh,
absolute handling guilt right.
Speaker 3 (04:02):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
It was very difficult to say goodbye to seventeen years
of a marriage, you know, and Travis, we are very
good friends right now. But it's because of my daughter's
strength I was able to do that. Sad as it is,
as you know, well, tell us a little bit about
your background because you're a single mom.
Speaker 3 (04:19):
As well, right exactly, and so my story is a
little different. I have been divorced since twenty twelve. I
had to almost think about that before I sat it.
And it's been fourteen years. Fourteen years, right and off
and on over the years, dating sometimes toxic, unhealthy experiences
(04:40):
and healing within myself. So healing my own nervous system
was part of how I got to the point of
attracting someone into my life right now that will be
in my life.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Forever and I can't wait to get into that.
Speaker 3 (04:56):
Yes, yes, you know, so fe years of you know,
the ups and the downs. We talk about the ups
and the downs from the last two years fourteen years
of it, right, and I went through about five years
of intensive like off and on intensive EMDR therapy for
trauma and really sensing into my attachment wounds, understanding like
(05:24):
what was the reason why I was choosing to be
with toxic or unhealthy people? And you know, I figured
it out and I was I've been a therapist for
twenty one years, yes, twenty one years, and I myself
needed to figure that out, right, And that's where the
power lies when we focus on ourselves, when we focus
(05:47):
on Okay, now that I've even healed some deep trauma
wounds and I'm talking like big t traumas, so you know,
whether it be abuse, neglect, experiencing grief, all sorts of
medical trauma, there's all sorts of different things that we
can experience. But once you do that, then it's like, oh,
(06:10):
and then our nervous system is like, I don't know
what to do with myself. I don't know, like okay,
I think I trust myself, and then it's like okay, Well,
sensing into that sense of self trust is so incredibly powerful.
Because it helps us sense into our intuition and then
(06:33):
we take that into the dating world. Then we take
more of a regulated nervous system into that dating world,
and that is where that's where the power is.
Speaker 2 (06:43):
I think it's And this was just my experience of
power that I needed to take through years to myself.
Oh yes, right, right, so right. I was divorced in
what was it, twenty twenty one? Yeah, And that's the
choice that I did for myself is to relearn who
I who I was and too, I had a lot
of a lot of pain that I needed to end
(07:06):
in my life and to seek comfort, and I met
with you and you helped me with the d m
R during that time because I went through something traumatic
now with my ex husband, but something unfortunately that happened.
So I learned what I didn't want in a next relationship.
I learned what I wasn't going to do in my
next relationship, rings that I wanted things that you know,
(07:28):
I became a different person. I am a different person.
Speaker 3 (07:31):
Yeah, I would agree I am as well. Even like
in the last couple of years, there have been some
really profound growth experiences for me and it's like next
level it's just.
Speaker 2 (07:46):
I can't imagine you being more fabulous than you already are.
Speaker 3 (07:50):
Well, we're all like we're you know, but we're all
going through that, right And it doesn't mean that there
is the seeking of perfection or the ultimate version of yourself.
It's always an up and down experience and right.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
Like, yeah, so how did you stay grounded?
Speaker 3 (08:08):
Oh? So so many things. This is part of what
I teach women in both therapy and coaching, and so
for me, it was all about uh, tuning into the
body and understanding, Okay, what is my body telling me today?
If I feel a flutter in my chest? What do
I do? Like if I'm feeling like I like, I'm
(08:30):
just feeling jittery, or I just like need to burn
off some energy, Okay, go for a walk, do some
grounding exercises. Yoga has been incredible. I've done yoga since
I was nineteen and now I'm a yoga teacher and
I teach trauma conscious yoga right like so so, and
it doesn't have to be like this big thing. You
(08:52):
don't have to go to a studio and do an
hour class. You could do it in your living room,
just like mindful stress exercises moving our body, shaking, you know,
just sort of shaking your hands out to the side
of your body, you know, stretching your hands up over
(09:12):
your head like just you know, I'll do that. Yeah,
exactly right, and you know, exactly so, just taking a
moment to honor yourself because us as moms are putting
so much effort and energy into everyone around us constantly.
That's what we do. We do it without even understanding.
(09:34):
It's very subconscious and then so turning that back into
yourself that's scary for a lot of us. It's really
scary to do that. Even for thirty seconds. It can
be like okay, yep, okay, yep, I'm putting my hand
on my chest at the thiamus it's in the center
of the chest, and we just stay taking yeah, just
(09:55):
taking a moment. And this is part of the trauma
tapping technique. It's an acupressure point on your body and
putting pressure on that regulates the vagus nerve. It's my
favorite favorite part to help me really reset and center.
(10:16):
My body feels it immediately, that's my body. Your body
might be different. Your body might like like a different
acupressure point, so there are different acupressure points, there are
different body movements we can do. We can move we
can take a walk. If one of the best things
that you can do for yourself if you're stressed is
take a walk. And there are reasons for that because
(10:38):
when you're walking and you're processing something really stressful. I'm
going to say this very lightly, it's not doing AMDR,
but it's bilateral stimulation. And so what that does is
it helps us process and calm down something that might
be stressful or bothersome to us. And you can find
(10:59):
that you oh, it's like, oh I feel better now. Yeah,
there's a reason why because you just helped your brain
calm down. Yes, right, and so like even something like that,
like I can't tell you how many times I've done that.
I know the science behind it, right, but that's why
we feel so good when we do those things. Just
go take a five minute walk. It doesn't have to
(11:20):
be this big, it doesn't have to be a big
hike somewhere you know, you don't need anybody else with
you as long as you're in a safe space. But
you know, there's all of that, and then how about
put some music on, yes, and just dance it out,
like all the move your body wherever. It is, dancing
in the kitchen, you know, like as you're making dinner
(11:42):
or whatever.
Speaker 2 (11:43):
Absolutely, I was doing it. I was dancing around the pool, like, yes,
but doing that and right for me, that's like super
important because I deal with anxiety. I've talked about it
many times, and so it's hard. It's hard to overcome that, right, right,
like how do you how do you? How do I
get this out of my body?
Speaker 3 (12:03):
Right?
Speaker 2 (12:03):
For me, it's listening to music, yes, very profound.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
Oh my goodness, it's so good. Yeah, so so good.
And then when you pair that with body movement and
that just like you're listening to your body, that is
such a great way to ground.
Speaker 2 (12:19):
So did you did you feel like when you finally
got into the dating scene that it was very overwhelming
for you?
Speaker 3 (12:32):
Well, way back fourteen years ago, it was a lot.
It was a lot, and I could look back and
I can say, oh, yeah, I could have taken some
time to myself a little bit more, right, But I
had been in a relationship for a long time, like
sixteen years, so it was almost the same, right, And
(12:53):
then fourteen years ago, you know, as far as dating goes,
there was match match existed, and you know, there are
like different ways to meet people online, and so you know,
I just went through those journeys of meeting people. But yeah,
my nervous system was really just not in a good place.
(13:15):
I would have to do some tapping before going on dates.
And you know that persisted like up until about three
years ago or so. And then my nervous system really
like after a lot of trauma work and therapy and
personal work like actually doing yoga, actually using the tapping
like EFT, actually meditating and breathing and moving my body,
(13:40):
being active, going to the gym. It's one of my
favorite things to do. Good lifting heavy right, And you know,
after all of that for a long time, I finally
put myself out there and I felt the strongest that
I have felt ever. And I was like, I am
(14:01):
putting myself out there this year. I am just gonna
like I'm going to And it wasn't like, you know,
I'm going to date fifty people, you know, fifty first
dates or whatever.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
I have a girlfriend who did that, by the way, Yeah,
she did it for thirty days straight and she did
meet her husband. Yes, exactly.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
Well, I dated all last year and didn't right, and
so like I think I think I went. I think
it was like twenty seven different people that I went
on dates with and and it was, you know, like
I met I went on my worst date ever. Oh Les,
(14:41):
Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness. Yeah, I mean that
was definitely it was you know, like you give people chances,
and even those little yellow flags can be indicators, like
you're into a sh and is telling you something, something
(15:01):
is off, something is just not right, and you know,
like it only it was only one date, but I
felt so in my power that I knew that this
was not it, and I like, at the end of
the experience, I was very gracious and I just said,
you know, I don't think this is going to work.
(15:23):
And yeah, I mean, it definitely was. It was a
situation where I was in public. I said goodbye to
him and I went to my car, and it was
it was in a parking lot and there were people
around and everything. But he followed me to my car
after I had ended things, and he followed me to
(15:45):
my car and I I said, you know, you're making
me feel very unsafe right now, and you need to
walk away, and he just sort of like couldn't let
it go that he didn't understand and I had explained
where I was coming from, right, And we don't owe
men anything. When we're on a date and we are
(16:09):
in a situation where something isn't working, you have every
right to get up and walk out with no explanation.
You don't need to explain whatever is within your you know,
in your value system for yourself and for me, sure,
I needed to be in that moment to say, hey,
(16:31):
you need to step away, like this is this, We're done,
like this is you know, safe travels back. I'm going
my way, you can go your way, right?
Speaker 2 (16:42):
And was he respectful of that?
Speaker 3 (16:43):
He was? He was respectful of that. And I immediately
blocked him and moved on. And I had been an
online dating last year, so that was an online connection.
But I didn't put myself in any safety risk. It
wasn't in the car with him or anything like that.
You always want to put yourself in a space of
safety on the first date so that you can take
(17:04):
you know, steps for yourself. Bring cash with you always, oh,
because if like if you need a quick exit and
you want to just leave cash for your your portion
of the bill or something. That's something I learned, and
you can get up and leave it any time there's
you do not need to stay. You can walk away.
(17:26):
And I you know, I learned my lesson several times
where it just you know, it didn't feel right and
I kind of felt like I had to, you know,
stick around just a couple more minutes. Maybe there's something
else that you know will connect on and you just
trust your intuition, right, So even in a situation like that,
(17:50):
you know, and I'm grateful, like, yeah it was. It
was definitely not an easy situation, right, But I know
I didn't know him any anything, and that was that
was the power that I had right in that moment.
And and also I would say that if you're watching
(18:12):
someone consume alcohol over and over and over, you're going
to see a different version of them as well. And
I think that's what happened in the situation.
Speaker 2 (18:21):
So this is someone that you were actually talking probably
for a little.
Speaker 3 (18:24):
Bit before now, I mean it was like it was
like a week sure, yeah, right, it was just a
week's time. And you get to know someone's behavior, you know,
and how they handle stress, and you know, some conversations
that come up that just you're just not aligned, right,
And one of the things that we have to be
really strong in ourselves in the dating world is our
(18:48):
own value system. And if someone is not aligned with
our value system, they're not changed. They're not going to
change there. I mean, like we're in our we're in
our forties right, right, Like we're kind of set and
what our values are, and values can change like over time,
but you know, there can be some really stark differences
(19:08):
that create tension and challenges and I definitely don't need
that in my life.
Speaker 2 (19:15):
Well, I remember, what was it two years ago. That's
when Giah it was like, you know, my daughter, you know,
put me out on an app. It was Bumble. She
put me out on Bumble. She's like Mom, She's like, okay,
we're gonna I'm gonna help you pick out all your pictures,
help you what, right, you know, because I didn't know.
I was like, I told myself I would never go
on a dating app, right, right, and right, yeah, and
(19:37):
so I did, but you did. But I did and
I connected with someone, and uh, you know, I thought
it was a fabulous date. And then I don't know
if you remember who I'm speaking about, and this was
a long time of communicating with this person. And then
I realized, so this person asked me out once for dinner. Then,
(19:59):
trying not to get too into detail, let me just
say that I ended up feeling like I was just
another number and that after six months of communicating and
not being asked out again, I'm like, what the hell
is going on? Like am I what am I doing?
And I was in my mind, I was like thinking, oh, no,
(20:19):
this person likes me. I'm like, you know, obviously, that's
why we're talking so long. And then to figure out, Okay,
I'm not on the same page as this person. And
so I ended it because I started to feel horrible
about myself. Do you remember that I lost that. I
was like, my value of myself was really really low.
I remember how hurt I was, how angry it was.
(20:41):
I was like, I don't deserve to be treated like this.
And that's very important too. You know, when you go
you come across these like apps and they'll say looking
for a long long relationship or right exactly, be honest
about that up front that you know what that was
something that we didn't discuss. Shame on me, but this
was the first time I ever went out.
Speaker 3 (21:00):
I know, but like that that's like a it's a
learning experience, and then it teaches us. Okay, right when
I start putting myself down because of someone else's behavior, right,
like pulling that power back to ourselves and reminding ourselves
of our worth because our worth isn't with it within
us and not in someone else, and it is you
(21:24):
know that that is so incredibly important and to understand
why we seek that and why that's so important to us.
It's about attachment, it's about right.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
I started thinking, well, what's wrong with me? Yeah, what's
wrong with me? Right? Like we we I thought we
had like this connection, but you know, I found out
that you know, he said, I don't think I can
give you what you're looking for. I'm like, and I
was like that's fine, Like yeah, right, but I'm going
to end this like right exactly, continue on like talking.
You know.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
It's just like no, right, no, yeah, because that's not like,
that's not what It takes away from the energy of
connection with another person, to have that connection with someone
that's not aligned to us, and sometimes that I mean,
that takes a lot of courage to cut something off
(22:14):
and again pull that power back to yourself and time
and energy right exactly, and then then it opens different doors.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Different doors. But my second one was not. I didn't
finally find my love until my third date. Yeah, so
I only went out on three dates. That's how much
I did not like going on dating. It It was
not for me. Yeah, and then I ended up meeting
somebody else. Horrifying, horrifying, ladies. I cannot tell you enough.
(22:53):
Please watch out for those who try to catfish you.
I got catfish, and I cannot believe that this person
led me on for a month and a half, oh
a month and a half. I can't imagine. It's probably
lie from the beginning to the end.
Speaker 3 (23:07):
And they are out there. I also got catfished.
Speaker 2 (23:10):
Yeah, yes, I remember.
Speaker 3 (23:11):
It was. I mean, like a couple, like it's three times,
I think three three times, and you know, and quickly
you can get them to reveal who they are when
you say let's get on a video chat. Absolutely, that's
my little trick.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Yeah, And I'm like, why why are you? Why are
you canceling this supposed you know, barbecue that you're going
to drive out, you know, two hours from you know,
we lived like two hours from each other. Oh, and
had to cancel three times in a row.
Speaker 3 (23:40):
Yea, what is that? That's really there's something fishy about that.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Yeahright, Like and of course I'm the one going and
buying all the food, so I did it three times.
I spent like one hundred dollars each time. I'm all
excited that he's coming to visit. Finally we're going to
meet in person after talking for so long.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Lie, just right, it's and then, you know, I have
heard these questions like why do people do that?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (24:06):
Right?
Speaker 2 (24:07):
Why?
Speaker 3 (24:07):
And I like, from a psychological perspective, right, there are
so many different reasons that I think people do that,
but their own insecurities. I you know, there are some
deep wounds.
Speaker 2 (24:22):
Full fledged narcissists for sure.
Speaker 3 (24:24):
And that too, right, I mean, there are just manipulators
sociopaths out there that are very good at what they do.
And it's that is not what we're trying to attract.
Speaker 2 (24:36):
Now, you don't you don't want one of those. And
I would just say the red lights or the red flags,
and eventually came through and say, you know, I wait
a minute, you you were telling me you had all
this money, like you're you're you know you're you're this
kind of person and then you're asking me for money.
Speaker 3 (24:51):
Now here we go, Yes, and that is that happens?
Speaker 2 (24:55):
Yes, three times at three times he asked me to
send him money.
Speaker 3 (24:59):
Oh, oh my goodness.
Speaker 2 (25:00):
And then his brother ends up texting me and saying,
you know what he needs, he's not in a good
place right now and I can't I can't help him out.
Do you mind? Could you help me, like pay for
his truck? I'm like, oh, now I got the brother
by well.
Speaker 3 (25:15):
And I mean, I can't tell you how many times
I hear this from my clients. Awful, awful that they
and they truly they've been scammed out of a lot
of money. Yeah, it's yeah, So just watch yourselves, ladies,
right like there are people out there that are just
(25:36):
not for you.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
No, it's scary. And and trust your gut, yes absolutely.
Speaker 3 (25:41):
Intuition.
Speaker 2 (25:42):
Intuition.
Speaker 3 (25:42):
Intuition is key, right, and part of that so like
regulating your nervous system, making sure that you're taking care
of yourself will help you stay more in tune to
your intuition. And then you'll know it's like, oh I
feel something, it's and my gut, like my gut is
talking to me. My stomach is like you know, in
(26:03):
nuts or butterflies. Something isn't right here. And and you
also can feel that when you're getting love bombed.
Speaker 2 (26:11):
Oh what's a love bomb? I'm honest, like I've learning
about what being ghosted is. Yeah, it's because this is
not what we're used to if you were dating from back,
if you're as old as.
Speaker 3 (26:27):
Us, that's how we used to right exactly.
Speaker 2 (26:30):
So this is a whole new world.
Speaker 3 (26:32):
It's a whole new world in modern dating. Right, So,
so being love bombed is what this is. It's what
individuals who are manipulators tend to do to get you
roped in very quickly into a relationship. And it's all
(26:52):
about the nervous system. Now, when we connect with people,
there is a love hormone called oxytocin, and that we
feel this like ah this like you know, sense of
oh my gosh, this is amazing, this person is so wonderful,
like you know, on date one, and we don't know
(27:13):
people on date one, we don't know who they are.
We don't know people after three months, right sure, you know, sure,
or like even six months, like you really start to
get to know people, like nine months in you know that,
like I say, six months and after they say it
takes me typically yeah, yeah, like you could start to see,
like you could start to see like the uncoverings of
(27:36):
like what does a bad day look like for them?
What happens when we disagree? Yes, what happens when they've
had a bad day at work? Right? Like, all these
things start to be revealed. And what love bombing is
is it's this quick connection like, oh my gosh, they're
my soulmate sort of feeling. And trust me, I have
(27:57):
like I've been down that road many times.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Right, well, that this was a perponse, yes.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
And no, like logically you can feel something differently than
what it feels like in your body and so and
we have to know that, Okay, my body is telling
me this is what like, oh my gosh, like all
these things. But then logically I don't know this person.
(28:22):
I need to give this time, you know, I need
to like, you know, come back to myself. What am
I needing in this space? Instead of oh my gosh,
what can this person give me? I want? I want
this relationship all these things and yeah, I mean I
will say when I was dating last year, like most
(28:43):
people that I went out with. No person got past
three weeks, and so after three weeks something would all.
It was always something. It was either what I was
saying and needing and being very clear on wasn't working
for them and they broke it off or I I
was like, this isn't gonna work. And more times than not,
(29:03):
it was like after the first date. There weren't many
people who made it past the first date. And you know,
I'm not saying that.
Speaker 2 (29:09):
Because you're a queen.
Speaker 3 (29:10):
Well, but I'm not saying that because you know it's
a flex or something. It's like I knew what I wanted, yes,
and they weren't it, and that's okay, and that's okay, right,
Like you know, I met a lot of great guys.
I met a lot of great guys, and I was
always honest about who I am. I don't hide things.
(29:34):
I am who I am on the first date, and
I'm I am who I am in six nine months,
two years. It just is. It is what it is.
And of course, like yeah, like we present our best
selves and you know, but like I talk about real life.
You know, I'm not gonna just sugarcoat things.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
And I like and that's so important is to really
just be honest about it, Yes, because you know what
you want, so let around the bush.
Speaker 3 (30:04):
Let's not feed around the bush, right Yeah, I mean
we're not going to trauma dump, right, we don't like
tell all of our trauma stories to someone on the
first date, right like that that isn't.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Well, that's just going to scare someone there.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
Well, I mean yes, But then also like just like
the way that we need to protect ourselves, like not
everyone has that ability to hold space or do how
do I say this? Like we deserve to have people
in our lives that can hold that space for us,
(30:42):
and we just don't know people like right away right
Like it's like it's like is this person trustworthy enough?
And are they going to be able to hold space
for me to tell the story we deserve that, we
deserve to have someone that can handle that. And yeah,
(31:06):
that just takes time to grow that love and trust.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
So well, and when you take that time, who are
honest with yourself? You weed out the ones that are
not supposed to be with you And that's all in
love with the one. And I'm so like so excited
for both of us because this has happened for both
of us finally and kind of not far away from
(31:32):
each other that we met finally fabulous men that are
right for us. So I want you to share with
your stories, especially because with having kids, if you are
a single mom and you had kids, that is a
very important thing. Sure you're focusing on because introducing someone
that you finally have met and found like this is
(31:54):
the one. Yes, exactly what do you recommend?
Speaker 3 (31:57):
So it really varies for so for so many reasons.
It varies per person. Right, we talk about ages of
the children, what have the children been through in their
lives with previous partners or divorce or like the timing
of that. When I went through my divorce, they taught
(32:18):
us to wait a year and like post dating someone,
wait a year before you introduce them. Like so, to
be in a relationship with someone for an entire year
as a single mom and never introduce them to your kids,
it's difficult, is really not. It might be research base,
(32:39):
but it's not practical.
Speaker 2 (32:40):
It's not reality.
Speaker 3 (32:41):
It just does not. So my recommendation is to take
some time and like you know, not in the first week,
because we've already just talked about that. We're setting some
standards for ourselves ladies. Okay, right, I know, but you know,
like you have to feel safe and grounded and know
(33:05):
that this person is right for you before you introduce
them to your kiddos.
Speaker 2 (33:10):
And so how many dates did you go on before
you met the fabulous man in your life? And you're like, okay,
this is it.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
Well, I mean I want to say the first date
it was love at first sight. I wouldn't. I don't
know that either one of us would have said it
was love at first sight.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
But it was like the connection.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Was ooh yeah, Like I can remember them and I
keep to I tell him the story. I can remember
the moment he was walking down the hall when we
were at we went for tea, and when he was
walking down the hall, I was like.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
Oh, okay, look at all of that.
Speaker 3 (33:50):
Oh my goodness, my heart was fluttering in the best way,
you know. So but that is that's like that's what
I'm talking about though, right, It's like I knew, okay, oh,
there's a little spark here. We had great conversation. Our
date was like it was like seven hours long. It
was wonderful, like we had such like there was never
(34:12):
like an awkward moment. It was. It was very flowy.
We had really genuine, authentic conversation about life and what
we were looking for. There was instant chemistry, right. And
so but love is like I think that takes It
(34:33):
takes time and connection and depth and and that might
mean it takes two weeks, and it might mean it
takes two months and it you know, and it just
depends on the couple and their journey, right. So you
I mean, like, so for some people to say I
(34:55):
love you after a couple of weeks, it's not like
it doesn't mean that that's love bombing. It just means
that you're maybe aligned and you know what you want. Right.
So it's the same thing for introducing kids. It's like
having those conversations, having that knowing, having that trust in
the relationship and to work together on like what does
(35:18):
that look like? Right, and to ease them into your
your child's life, like make it like just kind of
organic and fun. It doesn't have to be some like
sit down dinner and like kind of stiff energy around.
It could be it can it's for kids, like I
(35:39):
would integrate something fun in whether that looks like going
out to eat together somewhere like mini golfing, like get
them to be active and like parallel to you know,
your new partner, so you know, they can just kind
of see who this person is, right.
Speaker 2 (35:56):
And I'm sure you know with all ages are different
on yes, reduce your jes.
Speaker 3 (36:01):
All ages are different, yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I mean similar to yours. You know. I finally decided
to go back on the dating app, you know, after
months of being like ah, and then I came across
this beautiful man whose eyes just sparkled and he's just amazing,
you know.
Speaker 3 (36:17):
Yeah, he's he's your king, he's my king, and you
are his queen.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Yes, and he does call me his queen, which is
super sweet.
Speaker 3 (36:25):
It's just.
Speaker 2 (36:27):
This is a different kind of love that I've fallen for,
and it's it's I get teary eyed every time. But
but you know, my my girlfriends are like I can
totally tell, Oh, this is different, and you're so happy
with him. His name is by the way, I love
you burn highly respectful, that's right, very very supportive, funny, Yeah, sexus,
(36:53):
all of it, all of it, all of it. This
is my word. I always say. He makes me feel at.
Speaker 3 (36:58):
Peace right when oh, and this is this is something
that I have said for so long, and I have
it now as well. Find someone who calms your nervous system.
Speaker 2 (37:11):
That's it.
Speaker 3 (37:11):
Like the the instant you are with your person, you
are going to feel a sense of calm. If you've
had a rough day or you know whatever. It looks like,
right you're in a storm, they are there for you,
and they might have had a tough day and they
are there for you. And you can co regulate too,
(37:32):
if you both have had rough days together. Learning how
to coregulate with your partner is really important, just like
that sense of touch sometimes like holding holding a hand
or a hug or you know whatever that might look like.
So yes, oh my goodness, yes, oh boy.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
That and I'd love that you say that too, because
you know we hold hands all the time. Oh yeah,
we call each other babe. Oh yeah, like you know yes?
And might I add the man that you're happens to
be someone that I used to work with. Yeah, and
I think he's fabulous. And I'm like, this makes total
sense that you two work together, And why in the
(38:09):
heck did I never send you?
Speaker 3 (38:13):
It was just it was just meant to happen the
way that it did. And so I'm going to credit
our beautiful friend Tammy with because that that talks. Yeah, yep,
she like he was on her podcast. I had decided
to go off the dating apps January first of this
year and was on my own for a month before
(38:36):
I came across a podcast he was on with her,
and I was like, oh, who is this? Who is
this person? And I sent him a friend request. He
reciprocated and sent me a message and the rest is history.
Speaker 2 (38:54):
I know. There you go, So you know it can happen.
Speaker 3 (38:58):
It can happen, and when you and you sort of
pull back into yourself, the doors can open, right Like
I kept my heart open. I knew I was going
to meet someone in the wild and in the wild
of Facebook on you know, a friends podcast. I didn't
know that that's how it was going to be, right,
you know.
Speaker 2 (39:16):
So but yeah, and.
Speaker 3 (39:21):
All the alignment can be there.
Speaker 2 (39:22):
So well, it's extremely important to just like you said,
be at one with yourself and truth right to yourself
and know what you want and you don't want, and
take the time. I mean, right, it's not a racing.
Speaker 3 (39:35):
Nope, it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
It's not a race.
Speaker 3 (39:37):
It's not.
Speaker 2 (39:38):
So I love this too because you also run like
a coaching community. Yes, for high performing women. I do
moms who are leading, working, parenting, dating.
Speaker 3 (39:50):
Doing all the things, doing it all, that's right.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
I mean, how do we even find the time to
give ourselves that?
Speaker 3 (39:57):
Right? So, this community that I'm building, it's a brand
new space. And I just launched my coaching business, Embodied
Rise Institute, and I know I'm back to coaching again. Yes,
so yeah, this community is what we need as women.
(40:18):
So one of the ways that we heal is through
community and sisterhood and supporting each other. And that is
why I built this. I provide life coaching in the space.
I provide science based strategies to help you regulate your
nervous system I say fast. Yes, we can regulate our
(40:38):
nervous systems fast, but we also know that healing takes time.
So it's integrating those tools and understanding that that healing
takes time as well. So that's why the space is there.
And I am opening up the space for ninety seven
dollars for ten founding members.
Speaker 2 (40:58):
That's an incredible price, by the way, right, affordable right,
I mean imperative to what others charge the articulously yes, So.
Speaker 3 (41:07):
And that's going to have access to a course, my
thirty day course, to live coaching sessions a month, and wow,
community of women. So you know it's not just me,
like I'm not like the guru here right, there will
be a this community space, the sanctuary for women to
come together and support each other. And that's that's what
(41:31):
we deserve.
Speaker 2 (41:32):
How do we how do we get in contact with you?
Speaker 3 (41:34):
You can go to Embodied Rise Institute dot com and
learn all about that space and all of the coaching
opportunities that are now available as well.
Speaker 2 (41:45):
So and I highly recommend, ladies that you do because
Cassandra is the best at what she does. Believe me,
this woman has been there for me through thick and thin,
through some very traumatic things in my life and has
helped me. I cannot rave more about ed m R treatment.
It's everything. And so you don't just talk the talk,
(42:06):
you you walk the walk I do. This is something
you've been through and now you've taken your journey in
life and now are empowering women today. That is what
you choose. Think you Yeah, it's incredible. Yeah, well you're incredible.
Speaker 3 (42:19):
Girl, and you as well, like we're just incredible together.
I love being in the space being in this space,
and I.
Speaker 2 (42:26):
Just always loved it because when we'd go out for
go out, what was it? Bonfire? Yes, Karen Madison was right,
we get our mocktails. Yeah, we get our mocktails, that's right.
And then we were just there for each other. Women empowerment.
Is that very important?
Speaker 3 (42:40):
That more than community and collaboration over competition every single day,
that's right.
Speaker 1 (42:46):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (42:47):
So I'm just so thrilled for you, and uh, you know,
it happened, It happened, it it did, and everybody's journey
is different. Yeah, but take the time first. Yeah, that's
what I say for yourself, right, especially if you've ended
a relationship.
Speaker 3 (43:05):
Right, absolutely, Yeah, you deserve that, Yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:08):
Because you don't want what you don't want to do
is bring over what you just had into your next relationship. Goodness,
if you don't learn what you write, maybe what you
didn't do right or what was going wrong, or learning
from mistakes because we're not perfect.
Speaker 3 (43:23):
No, exactly exactly. Yeah, and then once you feel ready,
just know that you know when things come up in
your new relationship that it doesn't mean that you haven't healed.
There are parts of new relationships that can't be revealed
until you're in it.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
I like that, So of course I want to let
people know too where they can find you on your
social handles.
Speaker 3 (43:48):
Yes, Cassandra and quick on Instagram, so that is that's
my main hub. You can follow me there and there's
all kinds of amazing content, tips, energy, all the good stuff.
Speaker 2 (44:01):
Sending the love, honey, sending the love. Well, thank you,
my love for coming on the show today. I just
absolutely adore you and I'm so stink and proud, so
stinking proud of you, Cassandra for everything that you have
worked your butt off and you are deserving of love
and success and peace and happiness, all of it.
Speaker 3 (44:19):
That's right.
Speaker 2 (44:20):
Yeah, yeah, So we'll have to have you on again
because you know this is not just one and done something. Yeah,
you know, we always have to keep together help each
other along the way. So thank you, Madtown. You definitely
don't want to miss out on this beautiful woman entering
into your life. Thank you. All right, until next time,
Matt Town, we'll be talking to you.
Speaker 1 (44:39):
This is the Matton Mom Squad podcast, a production of iHeartRadio.
You're Every episode of Matton Mom Squad podcasts available on
the iHeartRadio app. Apple Music, or wherever you listen to
your favorite podcasts, assass,
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