June 20, 2023 • 48 mins
Episode 45 dropped this morning! In this episode, I talk with Tonia Cordi a life-alignment coach and professional organizer. about letting go of the past with mindfulness. We discuss anxiety, OCD, hoarding, and coping mechanisms that we create over time.
Listen to understand the ‘why’ behind our clutter and the ‘why’ behind the opposite of clutter.
And most importantly they discuss HEALING from past trauma and connecting to their purpose.
If you can’t control the unknown, your nervous system has been hard-wired from trauma. It lives in the past.
We can grow and change our thoughts and point of view to create our reality. It’s all connected.
And then we talk about perfectionism! And how detrimental that is to our health and well-being. “If I am perfect, then no one can judge me.”
>> LISTEN HERE! https://lnkd.in/gyQCafDQ <<
You can find Tonia Cordi online:
WEBSITE:
https://toniacordi.com/
MEMBERSHIPS (coming June 30th!):
https://lnkd.in/gpDJ8ATj
YOUTUBE:
https://lnkd.in/ghxnVdx6
INSTA:
https://lnkd.in/gMNUvV6s
LINKEDIN:
https://lnkd.in/gg_rxnRT
FACEBOOK:
https://lnkd.in/gUyfaHfW
Listen to understand the ‘why’ behind our clutter and the ‘why’ behind the opposite of clutter.
And most importantly they discuss HEALING from past trauma and connecting to their purpose.
If you can’t control the unknown, your nervous system has been hard-wired from trauma. It lives in the past.
We can grow and change our thoughts and point of view to create our reality. It’s all connected.
And then we talk about perfectionism! And how detrimental that is to our health and well-being. “If I am perfect, then no one can judge me.”
>> LISTEN HERE! https://lnkd.in/gyQCafDQ <<
You can find Tonia Cordi online:
WEBSITE:
https://toniacordi.com/
MEMBERSHIPS (coming June 30th!):
https://lnkd.in/gpDJ8ATj
YOUTUBE:
https://lnkd.in/ghxnVdx6
INSTA:
https://lnkd.in/gMNUvV6s
LINKEDIN:
https://lnkd.in/gg_rxnRT
FACEBOOK:
https://lnkd.in/gUyfaHfW
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:03):
This is Your Pain Game podcast wherewe talk about the game of living in
and with chronic pain and trauma,getting to the heart of how to heal.
I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic painpatients, ballistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in havingtheir voice heard in the chronic pain and
(00:27):
trauma world that we live in.So Ever, since I was a little
girl of nine years old, Iwould say I was an insomniac riddled with
a debilitating anxiety. And those whohave listened to the show know that that
(00:49):
is the case. That I ama massive anxiety ball all of the time,
and starting at such a young age, dealing with anxiety, not really
understanding exactly why I had anxiety atsuch a young age. I know now,
I didn't at the time, butI created all of these like cute
little coping mechanisms to maintain my sanityall night long while I was not sleeping.
(01:12):
And some might say that the wordsanity and Lindsay in one sentence probably
should not be combined because I'm alittle insane, and you're probably right.
I don't want to be sane.I like being a little crazy, because
how boring to not be a littleinsane, right, But anyway, so
I started developing these coping mechanisms thatI created that turned into this intense amount
(01:37):
of OCD, and it's something thatI struggle with on a daily as does
my loved one. My Sweetie's likemy God, and he witnesses this insanity
from time to time. And I'mnot saying OCD equals insane. I am
speaking of me only. And mytendency has really got into As a kid,
when I was trying to keep myselfoccupied all night long was organization and
(01:59):
color code and label spacing out andknow all that awesome stuff. My parents
would come in in the middle ofthe night and I would be like dragging
my bed from one side of theroom to another. I'd be pulling my
desk apart. I would be completelyorganizing my closet again because I just didn't
have anything to do. What Ihave found through doing this show, and
(02:22):
after almost forty five years of mebeing who I am that I've had to
look back at the reasons why Iput in these coping mechanisms, the reasons
why I am still that person.The reason why if everything isn't just so,
I can't keep going on with myday until something is fixed, and
(02:43):
it's really obnoxious and annoying and timeconsuming to the point that's like I wake
up in the morning and until X, Y, and Z is done and
straight and perfect, I cannot focuson my job. I cannot focus on
my show. I cannot do thesethings because in and of itself, that
cleanliness and that OCD and that organizationpart of me, which was a coping
(03:04):
mechanism, has now continued to followme into adulthood. And now I'm still
stuck in that space and I'm tryingto figure out the reasons why. And
like I said, through doing theshow, the number one reason is trauma,
at least for me. And sonow while doing the show, I'm
finding out more about myself. I'mfinding out more about myself from my guests,
(03:24):
teaching me some of the errors ofmy ways, teaching me things that
I did not really know before.And these are things that we need to
work on as adults, as welook back at things that have happened to
us and why we do the thingsthat we do. And I've put into
place a couple of little things,and one of them is like, on
Sunday mornings, I won't make ourbed anymore. And it is fucking torture.
(03:50):
I hate it. I walk bythe bed all day I'll go and
I am like losing my freaking mindbecause it is not made. And yes,
we circle back to the Sammy.Please. I'm a little bit crazy
when it comes to it, butI'm not alone in it. So without
further ado, I am going tobring on my guests today. Her name
(04:12):
is Tanya Cardi. Hi, Henny, thank you for having me. Oh
my gosh, I'm so excited totalk to you today. Tanya is a
life alignment coach and professional organizer whostarted her business in twenty fourteen. She's
worked over the years to help peoplelike myself understand the why behind their life
(04:32):
clutter or people like myself the declutterers, and organizing for good and healing from
past trauma. So thanks for beinghere with me today, girl. I'm
excited. I was hearing you talkand I'm like, yep, yep,
that's what I do. That's whatI do, yep, yep, me
me me me, Well, I'mrolling out the red carpet for you.
(04:53):
And I'd like to start with whyyou ended up leaving your elementary teaching position
because she was an elementary school teacher, and why you moved into being a
life alignment coach and professional organizer.Then let's take it from there. Yes,
many different reasons. One, thework environment was just too much,
too intense all the time, andyou couldn't teach anymore. So after twelve
(05:16):
years, I had tried everything.I tried different positions, and I was
just like undone undone, So itwas it was hard because I loved working
with kids, but I didn't feellike I could do what I was meant
to do, and that was reallyhelping people connect to their passion, helping
people connect to their purpose. AndI was always motivating kids and so that
(05:40):
plus just a life you said nineyears old. They started laughing. I'm
like, yep. That's when Istarted realizing how crazy things were at home
and I was like, this doesn'tmake sense. And I was literally reorganizing
things in my bedroom. I wouldget rid of stuff, reorganize. I
was the one who had the cleanbedroom. Sister was the one who had
(06:00):
a disaster. And then I washoping people and then someone you know,
who knew me at the time,I was like, why don't you just
do this as a business and forgetteaching, And I was like, yeah,
you know what I've done, Andso I started with more of a
professional organizer lens. But I wouldsay because my background was in psychology and
education, I would go into people'shomes ready to help them change, and
(06:23):
they were like, no, Ijust want you to put things in boxes.
So it took a while to shifteverything to get people to understand No,
I'm coming in your house to helpyou understand why, and organizing is
just one small fraction of what I'mhere for. Yeah, And I find
that very interesting because I would lovefor you to come into my living space
(06:45):
and be like, Okay, she'ssaid she's OCD because I'm like looking around
my studio and I'm like, everythingfeels want to do and here, but
I know that there is a reasonfor why it's where it is. It
might not. It's like my beautifuldisaster, you know, and it's really
hard to take that out of me. And it comes to a point where
like I'll have friends that will stayhere and watch the house and the dogs
(07:05):
while we're traveling or what have youand the entire time, I'm like chucking
my webcam, like I need tomake sure like things are in order.
I'm like, lindsay, this isfreaking ridiculous. Don't buy on your dog
and house that are but literally allthey want. All I'm looking at is
like did they put the dog bawlsin the right place in front of the
(07:27):
microwave two feet across from each other? Like that's all I'm looking for.
It's just nuts and it makes youfeel a little crazy. So when you
go into these people's homes and youassess their their clutter, their horde,
if you will in some cases,what is your process like for people?
Because I know everyone's a little bitdifferent, but can you give us like
an example of what you do?And I'd love to hear a story of
(07:50):
like one of your craziest experiences insomebody's home too, So pull that one
out of your hat so I know. And I didn't trap before it,
which is by because that's how Ilove doing the show. Anyway, I
would say, first things, sidenote, everybody's a hoarder because everyone holds
onto things for the wrong reason.And I don't usually say right or wrong.
(08:11):
I take that out of my vocabulary. But they're holding onto it for
reasons that don't make sense anymore.Let's put it that way. And the
other piece is I just if Ican comment on what you were sharing.
A lot of this need to havethings a certain way, whether it's clutter
mess or clutter organization, or it'sholding on and holding on its familiar and
(08:33):
it's safety. Yeah, anxiety isactually about it's a label that's been swapped
on because here you go. Youcan have a pill for it. That
doesn't fix the anxiety. It's aboutthe nervous system not feeling safe. It's
about not being able to control asituation and knowing the outcome. Because if
you can't have things the same everysingle day, that's unexpected, that's unknown.
(08:56):
That that's the nervous system going alert. Fire alarm, fire alarm,
because the brain, the body,the spirit has been hard wired from these
past experiences to be afraid. You'renot living in the past anymore, but
your nervous system and your body andyour mind spirit are living in the past.
Yeah, we talk about that withtrauma. I mean, my gosh,
(09:18):
exactly. So it's when I gointo someone's home, I've seen everything
and it's it's people like everyone willhave a different way to fold, Everyone's
going to have a different way towash dishes, and everyone's gonna be like,
no, no, this is theway you do it. A thought
creates your reality. Your point ofview creates your reality. So once you're
aware of that, then you realizethat there is no right or wrong way.
(09:39):
It's just how do you feel likedoing it. The way you're saying
is that my way is not right. I don't care for this. It
was nice knowing you there. It'sgoing a pleasure side. It was lovely
meeting you, and it's it's beeninteresting, like living with someone now and
making that shift that I do thingsa certain way. We get into habit
because it's easy. It's fact student, I don't have to change like you're
(10:01):
just in this rhythm. Change meansmore time, more energy, more effort.
It means challenging yourself taking a risk, and people don't want to do
that, especially if they've experienced alot of trauma, because that's much stress
on the nervous system. So theway I work is three phases. The
first phase is, well, let'sassess what your core values are and look
(10:22):
at what you want to create inyour life, because if you're holding onto
the past, whether it's in yourphysical belongings, how you do things,
your reactions, your responses, behaviors, habits, points of view. The
list goes on because it's not justthe physical spaces. We identify that and
then we look like, okay,well, what do we need to release
that's not allowing you to create that. If you want more time to do
(10:45):
meditation, but you don't have itbecause you're spending a significant amount of time
setting up your space in the morningto be a specific way, then how
are you going to do that meditation? You can't, So what are we
going to let go of? Andit's not just the physical belonging is a
great way to get it started becausethen we ever covered the clinging on and
why there's that attachment, and oncewe uncover the attachment and the belief and
(11:07):
everything, we don't have to diginto the trauma to do this. Then
you release it and you go oh, and then it just shifts your point
of view, and then it hasa ripple effect on your behaviors, your
habits, how you engage in things. So it's all connected. It's not
just about letting go to belongings.It's all the questions that I ask during
the process. And then the secondphase is getting into your natural rhythm,
(11:30):
and that's about what are we goingto do to support your nervous system so
that your window tolerance gets bigger soyou feel safe again. And how are
you going to spend your time becausenow you know that what you want to
create, you're reconnecting with yourself.You're reconnecting with your power and purpose.
How are we going to organize yourlife to match that because now your space
has been addressed, and all thebeliefs and everything that we're holding you back
(11:54):
from making the time to do this. And then the third phase is I
love alliteration, so passion, powerand purpose. And it's like think of
people when their children. Before maybethings got hard, there was a playfulness
of curiosity, freedom, joy,creativity, ease, just being present that
(12:18):
central vegel. That's being your power. So once you have your spaces and
your natural rhythm and you've released achunk of what's been holding you back,
you can now put your energy intoyour life purpose and it doesn't have to
be a business. I do dothe business side of coaching it's what would
you want to cultivate in your life, that's your life purpose. It could
(12:39):
be, oh, I want tohave very loving, meaningful relationships, or
oh, I want to help people, you know, create beautiful works of
art because they're talented, they justdon't know that they can do it or
whatever whatever it may be, right, and they might be hiding behind things
that happened to them that they're notnecessarily sure that they're hiding that they are
(13:00):
hiding behind that, And I findthat so incredibly interesting. I have somebody
that's in my world who is alegitimate hoarder, not as bad as like
the TV show Hoarders, where there'slike dead cats and dead rats and dead
animals that are there. But you'retalking about a nine thousand square foot pard
(13:20):
from every cupboard, every drawer,The entire garage is three car garage from
the floor to the ceiling of tothe roof line, which is a huge
roofline. It's not like a smallgarage goes all the way up to the
roof of a nine thousand square footand the entire garage is a horde on
top of the rust of the home. And she keeps things like her daughters,
(13:41):
like all of their stuffed animals hasall of them. They're twenty seven,
it has all of them, andshe's holding onto so much stuff and
it's to a point where it's justout of control and they won't let go
of anything. An envelope from mail, Like it's getting stacked and stacked and
(14:01):
stacked, and it's gotten to thepoint that it's really really sad. And
then dementia has kind of started toplay into that because she's fairly old,
older and in our late seventies,and you know, it's a challenge in
that regard, because what do youdo when you have smaller cases per se
versus bigger cases, Like obviously yougo into a home like that one that's
(14:22):
that's a bigger elephant. And that'slike, I don't work with individuals who
there's different like here in Canada havedifferent levels of identifying it like level one,
two, three, and four.That sounds like it's a level four
for me. I work with peoplewho are more like level one two.
It's people who are living their life. But then there's these big gaps like
(14:43):
they just can't seem to get thetime management or they can't seem to keep
their space organized, or there's justholes because with trauma comes gaps in learning
and gaps in brain development that youknow, there's this whole thing of ADHD
or I did a video, thisand a and a blog. ADHD is
really just the brain on trauma.So certainly, if you look at the
(15:07):
list of things that happen to thebrain, if you've experienced a lot of
trauma, especially childhood, and youlook at ADHD, it's the same thing.
Interesting, it's pretty much the samething. And so it's executive functioning.
It wasn't developed. And so whenI work with people, it's teaching
them because you can learn that stuff. So I work with people who are
functioning, but they're just they're notfunctioning at the level that they could be
(15:31):
because they have these gaps. Andeverybody has different little like different puzzle like
different pieces that are missing. Nobodyhas the exact same pieces that are missing.
Yeah, I always like to usepuzzles in relation to me specifically because
I always even in my business aswell, I love putting together puzzle pieces
(15:52):
to things Like it's always like Iget a new client and I've got to
like figure out like where all thepieces are, like Okay, there's like
twenty and account pushions underneath here.We got to find those the whole process
that I go through to kind ofput together their puzzle. It feels like
that's kind of similar, even thoughmine's very different on the people that I
deal with. But the gaps andthe holes in our understanding and our learning
and our ways of developing is sointeresting. Because I'm sitting here, of
(16:15):
course my brain's like, okay,so nine thirteen, seventeen, twenty,
twenty one, twenty three, likehow many of these? Can I line
up and go, Okay, wheredid all of these gaps happen? And
now I'm kind of freaking out.No, don't freak out, because it's
(16:37):
I'm like, oh my god,because and I'm a pretty high functioning person
even in the midst of my shit, you know, like I am,
and I've always been that way.But I'm like, man, I could
be so much stronger and so muchbetter if I could plug some of these
holes or at least release some ofthe like gross gas that needs to come
out of whatever that trauma was orwhatever it is. So when you come
(16:59):
in, how long do you workwith people? Typically? So you come
in and you start working with them. I mean, obviously there's probably some
ongoing part, but can you talka little bit about hopping in and getting
in When somebody wants to work withsomebody like you, what is their experience
like? And how long do youtypically work with people that are like at
A one two obviously not level four? Yeah, level four. It really
(17:21):
depends. It's kind of like aPandor's box because once you open it on,
you can open it up, youcan go on forever, And it
depends on how deep someone wants togo, generally for a physical space,
depending on can a person do stuffoutside of sessions. So if I'm going
in person, I'll go in personfirst, and it could be a couple
(17:41):
of months doing weekly sessions and thenshifting to online to weekly sessions. And
I would say, if a personwants that true change, because it's not
going to happen overnight, I wouldsay once two years. And when I
say two years, it's like we'redoing check ins every two weeks every month,
just to like, I don't wantto say fine tune, but just
(18:02):
to make sure that you're on track. Because there's that accountability piece, because
I don't believe in inner work.I believe in discovery and transformation and being
curious and having fun with this andbeing able to laugh, like how you're
making fun of yourself, and that'swhat we need to do. Why do
we need to make this like thescary thing that we have to face?
Why not have fun with it?Look, I agree with that approach because
(18:25):
that's why that's one of the reasonswhy I did this. I do the
show the way that I do itis because if I can't laugh through the
crap that's been dished, then I'vegot no hope, and neither do you.
If you're gonna sit there and I'mnot talking to you, Tony,
I'm talking to you my listeners willmaybe you too, love No, But
it's like, if you are notgoing to be able to laugh through some
(18:45):
of the painful things in life,then you've got some bigger problems to address.
Because that's the only way that Iget through it's been a little depraved
using the effort. I know youlove it as well, but like we
we have to give ourselves some graceand laugh a little bit about our life
and enjoy the experience even though it'shard, Yes, and it's not to
(19:07):
say, you know, don't cryor you know, be positive, feel
the emotions, and just approach thesituation with a little bit of lightness so
that more you know, focused timeof like really being consistent and doing a
lot would be about six months.Yeah, okay, and it depends on
the individual, but I would sayat least six months to be like quite
(19:29):
consistent. And with that, it'sit's about kind of just dipping in and
dipping out, right. We don'thave to sit in it all the time.
It's being able to flow in andout and not be so like obsessed
and focused about this inner work allthe time because then it takes over.
We want to be present just lifeand then dip in when we can and
(19:52):
be like, oh look I'm doingthis differently now, and then just close
my master bedroom doors on Sundays anddon't think about it for the entire day.
How can you see the like whatelse is possible in that situation to
have fun? Because when you weredescribing it, I'm like, okay,
you know what you can do.You can like go jump in your bed
and be like, oh look,I can take a nap and like play
with the covers and like just likeit all snuggs like a dogwood and like
(20:17):
play. Wait what would a kiddo? So I just have a pillow
fight and my panties with one ofmy girlfriends, or just sit in your
bed and have a team Like allright, man, all right, simmer
down, guys, simmer down.I know that's what you think we all
do when we hang out. ButI can tell you it's not what we
do. We bet about you,We bet about you, and then we
(20:38):
want to have a pillow fight withyou. Nobody's just one of those things
that's like it is, it's retrainingmy brain. Do not see things the
way I see them. Like,for example, I think I've told this
story before on the show, butI'm gonna tell it again just in case.
I'm in the supermarket not that longago. I'm always probably a couple
(21:00):
of months ago, and my sweetieis with me, and we're walking down
the aisle dot to Dote to doand there are like the tuna cans on
the right hand side, and theyare not facing labels facing front. They're
not and I walk by it andthen I'm like, hey, honey,
like, weligo, grab you knowwhatever the heck you needed a gub tell
them what to grab. I wentback to the aisle and I fix every
(21:22):
damned tuna can in the aisle,and I'm like, what kind of monster
does this? Like it is insanesometimes that I cannot help myself. Even
like in our refrigerator, he andI will be standing there will be like,
wanted to grab something, and I'lljust like, who, like,
turn something from the left to theright, because now it is the way
that it is. But it's notlike that in every single facet of my
(21:44):
life, Like there are places whereI do tend to not be quite as
crazy as that, where everything cannotbe it perfectly in order, and I've
just had to accept some of that. But part of it is gives me
such anxiety when I see something likestack that isn't the way that it should
be, or there's something that Iforgot to do, and I'm not somebody
that forgets things. And with mybrain pain bologna that I have, I
(22:08):
know that I deal with a lotmore brain fog than I'm used to.
So I'm struggling with that because someof the things that I used to spend
a lot of time on in myOCD and in my organization, I can't
do because of my pain level orbecause I have to focus on something a
little bit more important. And I'mstarting to see, yeah, that as
I'm releasing some of the trapped emotion. Okay, now I have the hiccups.
(22:32):
Good for you, guys. Thisis great. This is be fun.
That trapped emotions that I've kept andthat I've held in my bod for
so long are starting to slowly kindof release, and I'm starting to see
these changes. But they're slow andgradual, and all of a sudden like
snake up on me, even thoughit was slow, all of a sudden,
that's slow. Is like, wellthat was six months ago I started
(22:55):
approaching a topic or an issue,and now I'm starting to get out of
the weeds from it. So itis a process and it's not going to
go it's not going to get fixedovernight. Like you said, we do
have to give ourselves the grace andthe time to do some work within ourselves,
of course, but also to notlive in perfectionism and dysfunction and where
(23:15):
that all leads. Because we allhave our ship, we all do,
you know, and we're hiding behinda lot of it. Oh big time.
Yeah, And I would just saythat on t what you shared is
that when people have these habits,like you're talking about yourself and you know,
having to adjust labels and whatnot,that is just there was a need
that wasn't met, and then youdeveloped a coping mechanism, so we can
(23:38):
trace back to what need wasn't met, and then the coping mechanism and the
belief in the story around it,then it just dissolves. Huh, because
I had I had a klan,yes for an example, giving an example.
It's not a crazy lamb, butoh I only want crazy here,
just crazy on this show, Thankyou very much. She was forced to
(24:03):
do tutoring and was punished for notbeing able to clean her room. As
a child, she struggled with ADHDand what happened was as an adult,
what do you think happened? Asan adult she would procrastinate with work and
she would procrastinate with cleaning her room. Why because she was still rebelling.
But as soon as we figured outthat connection, she's like, oh my
(24:26):
goodness, I never realized that thatconnection. As soon as we saw that,
we did something I do like differentmindfulness practices and like somatic work.
We do phrases. I do avariety of things to help release it and
shift it in the subconscious. Oncewe did that exercise that need to do
that, it dissipated. You wereable to find the anchor of what caused
(24:51):
that pattern. And so that's thepieces of the puzzle that I do.
That's why when people are letting goof stuff, they're like, oh,
no, I need it, Wellwhy do you need it? And then
I just keep on asking questions andsometimes people think I'm judging. I'm like,
no, I'm just asking questions sothat I understand. And then what
I understand, you start going,oh. And then we figured out Mande,
I have pirate ships this like anchoredall over the place all right,
(25:12):
Like we've got a lot of workto do. Maybe we're gonna find some
treasure on those ships. I don'tknow, but I mean, it's it's
nuts. It's the psyche is soincredible. When you think about the things
that we've been through at such ayoung age, we don't think anything of
it. We just don't. Andwe always are like, oh, you
(25:33):
know when we're a teenagers in college, you know, we have nothing can
kill us. We can do whateverwe want to everything's gonna be fine,
And then you look back at someof the things that were absolutely horrible things
that happened to me. I alsodid stupid shit, like absolutely like I
caused problems for myself. I causedmy own traumas. I know those places
those I've addressed. I have notaddressed the places where trauma was caused to
(25:57):
me that I had no ConTroll over. Okay, and those are the places
that I think are like I'm I'mlooking at my studio desk right now,
I'm like, Okay, this littlebit of an organization is stuff. I've
addressed that all my labels facing outup and I did it this morning.
I literally cleaned out the entire refrigeratorthis morning because I had an Instacart order
(26:18):
being delivered and I needed to makesure that everything was going to be just
right and just so and all ofthat. So this morning, instead of
prepping more to talk with you,I didn't need much because you're so wonderful,
I decided that cleaning my refrigerator wasa much better use of my time.
Complete bullshit. I was so pissedoff at myself because I could not
(26:38):
stop. I couldn't stop. Icanceled something else. I canceled another something
else to make sure that I wasgoing to get that done. So dumb,
like, no, stop eating yourselfup? No no, no,
okay, okay, it's not dumb. It's absolutely wonderful behavior. Lindsay,
well, it's what is I taughtyou that you're so doing this? And
(27:00):
it's about why what is it thatyou need? What is it that you
need that's causing you to do that? What happened before that developed this?
Right? Because you were talking aboutsleeping and we don't have to do this
here, but do you know whatI mean? Like it's going to that
anchors, like what is this allabout? What does this need to do?
That? And control and controlling environmentsand situations and things need to be
(27:23):
a certain way? Is safety?And two things come up for me.
I don't know if it's for you, but just in general when I work
with people, perfectionism I see alot with people because that means no criticism.
A lot of people grew up indysfunctional families. Criticism, criticism,
cristicism. But if I'm perfect,nobody can say anything, right. So
that's one, Daniel. The otherone is just the general safety so if
(27:49):
I can control the environment, Ican predict what's going to happen, which
keeps me safe because the trauma wasnot predictable. Right, So it's looking
at how can we take that experienceof where that connection was made and doing
some subconscious work and embodiment to letyour nervous system know you are safe now.
(28:14):
Safety is an unfortunate topic that isbrought up in my life almost every
day. Oh yeah, it's inmy relationship with my sweetie. Not because
I feel but not because it's likean unsafe thing between he and I.
But it's safety as a whole inmy life that he and I struggle with,
And there are elements where he justdoesn't get it, and I don't
(28:36):
even know how to explain it withoutlike rehashing old trauma and taking wounds that
have since been healed at least wethought they were at least, you know,
and going Okay, now I'm rippingout all of those stitches. I'm
ripping out all of that stuff,and I've got to readjust that stuff.
So can you approach that? Becauseshe's shaking out head, No at me,
That's what I knew. You weregoing to shake your head no,
(28:57):
I want you to talk about thatfor a sect because that is I know
that that is where fear lies andpeople that have safety issues, and people
that have OCD tendencies or our ordersor what have you, who are holding
on. If you can approach thattopic, I think that's a biggie yeah,
and thank you for sharing that becauseI can relate a lot. Right
(29:18):
My nervous system is on high alert. It's gotten better because I've really focused
on strengthening my nervous system. Andthere's three areas that we need as children
when we're developing, the need forsafety, the need for unconditional love,
and the need for boundaries. SoI won't go into those too much.
I have a YouTube video you canwatch on it. And with those needs
not being met, we then developcoping mechanisms to compensate. And when we're
(29:45):
in that place where we're not feelingsafe, it could be like a micro
moment, like a split second ofa facial expression, of a gesture,
it could be anything that sets offthe nervous system to that memory, and
then you're in a flash back.So there's a difference between a trigger and
a flashback of triggers like pressing thebutton and then something happens. So the
(30:07):
trigger is the media of like,oh this reminds me of and then the
body's having its response. That's theflashback. You could be in a flashback
for five minutes, five days,five weeks, five months, right,
because you could keep on getting trappedin it and keep on getting flashback for
forty's the world's longest flash threat.So the key is you don't have to
(30:30):
tell your sweetie what happened. Youjust say, sweetie, I'm having a
flashback, and you work I'm comingback to ventral vegel and whatever is in
your toolbox to do that. Sowhen I work with people, we have
a toolbox to strengthen, so dailypractices to strengthen your nervous system, and
then we have a toolbox of Okay, when you're way out and you know
(30:52):
your f type, if your flightfreeze fawn or fight fight freeze or fawn
and one of those, you knowwhat to do for each of them,
and you know the red flags ofwhich state you're in. What do I
need to do to get back intoventral bagel and that becomes the focus and
by doing that, you're just strengtheningyour nervous system. You're coming back to
ventral bagel, and then you're tellingyour brain, oh, guess what,
(31:14):
I'm safe, so you don't haveto relift things like that's old, that's
not talk therapy. Talk therapy hardwires the trauma because then you keep on
reliving it. Woman, enough,she's putting table out of business over right,
here, left and right as aday. I'm going to take this
a step further. In America,we live in a quick, fixed society.
(31:34):
Pop a pill, go shopping,watch this. You're you being out
of ventral vegel creates gives money toconsumerism. But if you're in ventral vegelt
the time, then you can't makemoney. So it's about And then you
said I'm going to put people outof business, Well yeah, because then
if you're always in ventral bagel,you don't need to go to that therapist.
You're not going to need to seeme forever. That's not the point.
(31:56):
The point is to get to aplace where you can stand in your
two feet and be solid and goover into the world alone because you've gained
the skills you've need to gain,and you've let go what was holding you
back. And then you're on yourown and you've created the social network and
the community and the support that youneed. Because trauma equals isolation and shame
big time. Yeah, big time, especially the isolation. While I get
(32:22):
both isolation and shame. I mean, I've worked from home forever twenty four
years. So I'm used to myspace, and I'm used to everything being
just so, and I'm used tomy timelines, and I'm used to the
discipline that I have placed in mylife since I was well twenty three years
ago, you know. And it'shard when people come into my space and
(32:42):
are even there, even if theycome over for dinner. Yeah, there's
a couple of them, my girlfriendsthat are awesome. They like always clamp
the kitchen or they you know,they're picking up, they're helping me out.
Like one of them will do mysisters fill basically my sister still grab
the vacuum and just like start randomway vacuum or whatever. And then there's
a couple that like they just havedinner and they put their dishes in the
sink and they don't care and theydon't think think, and they're ungrateful and
(33:05):
what have you. But I'm likenow, you've like gotten in my space
and you've changed every single thing abouthow I wanted this night to go.
And I let dishes in the sinkderail me because I find disrespect when it
comes to that that, like somebodydidn't do it on my timeline when I
wanted it done at the time Iwanted it the way I wanted it,
And if they had done it anyways, I would have rewashed their dishes and
(33:27):
put them in the right way andthe damn dishwasher. It's like, oh
my god, Lindsay, it's insane, Like I cannot have those two I'm
so Gemini. They that two sideof me where it's like I want everything
done the way that I want itdone, because this is the way that
it should be done, because thisis the this is these are the rules
that have been in place in mylife forever. And then there's a side
of me that's really trying to breakfree from it to a certain extent by
(33:52):
letting people come in and help mewith some things, and then I end
up just redoing them and it's justreally frustrating. Yeah, it's that I'm
hearing like that black and white again, and that's very, very common with
most people. Right, And whenyou're in that black and white thinking,
then it creates separation. Yeah,and divide and judgment, judge. Yes,
(34:16):
you're judging yourself, you're judging otherpeople. You're resenting others, you're
resenting yourself. You're beating yourself up, you're beating them up. Yes.
It just being an experience and justobserving and being like, oh, they
put They're the type of people thatwhen they come over, they put in
the dishes. Oh that's interesting,Okay, cool, Okay. They're the
type of people that come over anddon't do anything because they were raised that
(34:37):
when you go to someone's house,the other person's hosting, everyone has a
different point of view. So there'sno I don't like that vey though,
so then you ask say, hey, I love having over. It's a
lot for me because of X,Y and Z or it means a lot
for me when it's like a cocreation, you know, what are you
really good at? And being ableto let that go because no one wants
(34:58):
to be boster Man when they're goingsometimes I am dead. I am dead.
I'm probably the person that would havelike stickers instead of my name is.
It's like you're in charge of Idon't know if you're a Seinfeld fan,
but there's there's a Seinfeld episode withwhy I don't remember what party they
(35:19):
were at. I think it was. It wasn't Tim Watley, it was
the other guy. That guy likedid the snaps all the time. He's
like, you're in charge of makingsure nobody taps on the fish Stamer that
all right? And there's that you'rein charge of music. You're in charge
of coats, right un that's whenElaine goes in and there's two of the
same coats. Anyways, but that'swhat I feel like. That like,
if people come over, I'm like, I don't want them to feel that
(35:40):
way, but I also want peopleto understand if they know me as well
as they do. It's one thingif you're having a big party and you're
entertainment, you're talking about your bestfriends that come over. They know who
I am, they know what I'mlike. If the situation was reversed,
I would be cognitive of their particularliving environment and the way that they live.
But that's also who I am.Like, I'm always considering what other
(36:02):
people are doing and what she isnot happy with me right now Guys,
if you saw her day's taking herfinger at me and I don't care for
it. That is not you.Those are habits. What do you mean?
What do you mean? Would yousay like, that's who I am,
That's not who you are. Thoseare coping strategies, those are preferences.
(36:25):
That's not who you are as that'snot your spirit, that's not who
you are inside someone who wants everythingto be a certain way. So by
cleaning to those labels and asking otherpeople, and I'm going to call you
out on this because it's gonna gocall me out. Everybody call me out.
I don't. I don't one thatdoes not not like to be called
out, call me out. It'senabling, right because then when you expect
(36:46):
people to accommodate, it's n enabled. So yes, you want people to
support when you're slowly shifting out ofthose safety mechanisms, right because you don't
want to put too much stress andhaving those conversations friends like, hey,
this is how I normally do it. Today, I want to try this.
Let's see what happens and play agame. Let's see what happens if
(37:06):
I don't put the dishes in thedishwasher and you guys do, and then
we have to turn the dishwasher onand I'm not allowed to turn it off.
Let's see what happens. The questionis, did they rent the cheese
off of the plate first? Becauseif you, if anybody in this world
is any any bit of a human, please just wash the cheese off the
dishes before you put them in thedishwasher. Just do it. Don't anticipate
(37:30):
that this hot water is going tomake it work, because it doesn't.
You'll have to put some elbow greasein. Okay, that's it. Have
faith and trust. Have faith andtrust when I've done that, When I've
done that and I have it isa disaster, okay, And that is
me Like I just like I saidin the beginning about my bed not being
made of torture. Okay, maybeit's not a disaster. Maybe it's not
(37:53):
torture. It feels that way thoughat the time, because I don't understand
how it is possible that somebody wouldcome over and have dinner and not assist
in helping or at least ask orI don't understand, like how did you
not see like the mountain of crumbcake that you have on the counter.
(38:15):
Why did you not like take thesponge and wash it down? It right?
And it's it's little things like thatthat add up over times within every
one of my relationships. And Iam the first person to say that this
is who I am. And Iknow that it has caused harm in some
of my friendships. Yeah, Iknow that it has because I've gotten resentful,
I've gotten pissed off. I'm like, come on, dude, like
(38:37):
help me out. I need alittle help. And when I ask for
it, which is hard for meto do, I still get let down.
So then I end up not askingfor help again, and then the
vicious cycle begins. Exactly exactly.I definitely struggle with that when my sweetheart
moved in, because I was like, what are you doing? What are
(38:57):
you doing? What is happening here? I know exactly And then I was
like, Oh, I'm just gonnatrain him right. Nope, So what
has happened? Now? Give mea comment the other day and I laughed
because he was like, what's goingon here? He goes, you send
me one of the house cleaned this, but the other that's not that the
(39:20):
house was messy, Like, it'snot that our place was gross. Or
anything. But I had let itgo because I stopped micromanaging. I stopped
keeping tally. I was keeping tally. Oh he did this, I have
to do this. Like so Iwas stopping the micromanaging and like focusing on
all that and taking a step back. I think with trauma, what happens
is we focus on the micro wetry to do the prevention, and then
(39:44):
we get lost from the big picture, loving sweet man who's very giving and
does a lot in the relationship.And it's the more I could see that
and trust that, I let goand now we're in this beautiful rhythm and
it's not like oh I cooked today, you have cook tomorrow, or I
did the dishes, you have todo this, Like it's not this check
(40:04):
mark. And that's that's indicative ofdysfunctional families too, like blaming each other
saying oh you did this, andlike what's the term for it, like
keeping tabs? Yeah, I likethe tallying, the keeping tabs, and
you owe me. There's this ideaof you owe me, right, that's
so when we when we dissolve that, then there isn't this need and there'sn't
this judgment of things having to bedone a certain way and making assumptions that
(40:30):
everyone has to do it your way, and like all those different belief systems
and points of view, they justkind of dissolve the more you can see
the big picture and focus on what'smost important. Well, what's most important
is that we have a nice dinnertogether and that we eat healthy, and
that the dishes get done at sowhenever they get it done, they get
(40:51):
goin in a very recent time.But you know what I mean, like,
just yeah, it doesn't have tobe perfect. I love talking to
you about this though, because itis something that is loud and clear in
my ears. Because I know thatobviously everybody that's listening this episode knows.
Yeah, I'm circling back to thebeginning, guys, where I was talking
about Lindsay and sanity in the samesentence. Now you understand what I'm talking
(41:15):
about. But I know that thisis an element of my life that I
need to work on. I mean, it's not even an element. It
is a huge part of my lifeand a huge part of who I am.
Some of it is wonderful, thefact that I'm organizing color coded and
all of that, all of thathas been applied to my business. All
that's been applied to the show,all of that's been applied in other really
(41:37):
good places, but it also creepsus wearing gross head up in places that
are super unhealthy, and that holdsme in this like unhealthy rhythm where now
I'm just annoyed instead of like it'sjust a fucking crumb, it's like not
that big of a See now Ihave the hiccups again, right, things
(41:58):
coming up? Interesting? Great?So if you have the hiccups, guys,
stuff that you need to deal withis happening. Is this what your
is? This what you your informationis? Your body's talking to you right?
Oh my gosh. There are somany things that I want to continue
to talk to you about. AndI know that that every listener and now's
gonna be like gotta call you.So my question is do you work virtually?
(42:22):
Because I know that you talked aboutdoing virtual stuff after you've already been
into somebody's home. Can you workwith people virtually? Yeah, I've done
right from stuff one online. There'ssome ways that it can be approached.
I don't necessarily have to be thereto physically help you let go of things.
It's just that it's a bit differentof a process. Hey, if
(42:43):
you want to find me down inCalifornia, I'm happy to come down.
Come on down, girlfriend, comeon down. I might send you a
couple of places. Actually, actuallyI would never send you to the nine
thousand spread foot the hoard. I'mnot a monster, yes, Jordan,
Yes, I do work online.Okay, we can address quite a bit
online because it's really both the beliefsystems. It's well, I think we've
(43:07):
all gotten so used to doing thingsonline and on Zoom now that it's like
back in the day that the PCpre COVID, you know, people would
be like what now you know nowit's like what, I don't want to
do it if it's not on.I don't want to leave my house to
be talking. I don't want toleave my house. I'm I'm great here.
Oh not good comfort, I know. I know. Well, I'm
(43:28):
the queen of that. And someof that is I can't thrive very much
because of my legs, and sothere's an element of that that's gotten in
the way. But you know,I'm still out and about doing my thing.
I take my wheelchair and I goout and you know, I go
do my thing. But it's stillless available for me to do the things
that I would want to do.But I also am a little bit of
a homebody, and even though I'msuper outgoing and all that, I'm actually
(43:51):
very very introverted, and I likemy personal space. I don't like people.
Do not ring my doorbell. Don'tdo it, don't do it,
don't ring it. I have signson the door that says, don't do
it. Don't even leave me avoicemail. My voicemail says, don't leave
me before your kid. You're sofunny because I don't listen to him.
So I mean, it's like itis what it is. Just call me
and I see him as call callyou back. But anyways, is there
(44:13):
anything left that you'd like to leaveour listeners with. You've given me my
mind's exploding a little bit. Ididn't I knew I needed you before this,
and now I'm a little bit traumatizedby this call. So thank you.
We're gonna have to unpack that.I'm ready. I'm not traumatized at
all. It just has given mea lot to think about stuff that I
(44:34):
know that's kind of been creeping upthat I've needed to address, and I
didn't realize that this was as bad, big of an issue as it was
till a couple months ago when Ireally started to do that don't make my
bed thing on Sundays, like literallyand and it's not easy. And my
sweetie is like, don't do it. And I just like pull the covers
up, like kind of make itlook like a man. He's like,
no, or we're just gonna sendthe dogs in and they're gonna mess up
(44:57):
the bed, that's what we're gonnahave them do. And I'm just like,
oh, man, but is thereanything that you'd like to leave our
listeners with outside of all this wonderfulness? Oh, that's a big question.
I would say, let go tolabels. That's the big thing. Let
go of all the labels, becausethat keeps you trapped in the past,
It keeps you trapped in victimhood.And it's really about looking at what can
(45:17):
you let go of, what canyou release, and then what needs need
to be cultivated and what do youwant to create, Like what is your
sole purpose? Because the main thingI do is get people back into alignments
you can live your soul purpose.So let's start with letting go the labels
and letting go of the stories,which is not talking about ten official labels.
(45:39):
Guys. Nope, Now, wellmaybe for you, maybe you're awesome
experiences because then it helps people kindof understand the ways that they can approach
it. So thank you for sharingthem. You got it. I mean,
I'm always here to be vulnerable andoutspoken because you know, it's I
(46:00):
don't know if it's a good thingor a bad thing, but I have
more stories to share that are aroundevery single episode and the people that I
talk to that I have some kindof a story that I can throw in
and I don't know if that's agood thing or a bad thing, but
I tend to be able to havesome kind of something that I need to
still work on, and it alwaysshows itself and it makes me stronger as
(46:24):
a woman and as a business ownerand as a friend and as a partner
to work on these things and tobe vulnerable with you guys, and to
talk to you about the things thathave happened in my world. And you
guys come on the show and youtalk about your vulnerabilities and the things that
you've been through, and both healersand people that have gone through their traumas
and I really appreciate your time withus today, Tony. It's been really
(46:45):
fun, awesome. Thank you,you got it, and I know you've
got a bunch of stuff coming downthe pike. All of her information is
going to be in show notes,She's got some freebies, she's got a
new website that's launching really really soon, so I will have all of that
show notes for you guys. Thankyou again for spending time with us here
today. I really appreciate it,and I clearly need you. Thank you
(47:08):
anytime, anytime you got it.You are exclusively invited to share this trauma
clearing, organizing, decluttering a VIPpain journey together. Let's get to the
heart of how to heal with youby my side. Do you know somebody
who is living in and with chronicpain or needs massive OCD fixes like myself.
(47:30):
If you do, please send themour way here to the Pain Game
Podcast. I'd love to connect withthem and hear their heartfelt stories of strength,
wisdom, and awesomeness. Please followthe Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest
your podcast content, we will bethere. Visit us at the Pain Game
podcast dot com and follow us onall the socials. Thanks for listening my
little VIPs. Catch you on theother side.
This is Your Pain Game podcast wherewe talk about the game of living in
and with chronic pain and trauma,getting to the heart of how to heal.
I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan
on discussing with doctors, chronic painpatients, ballistic practitioners, loved ones,
and anybody that is interested in havingtheir voice heard in the chronic pain and
(00:27):
trauma world that we live in.So Ever, since I was a little
girl of nine years old, Iwould say I was an insomniac riddled with
a debilitating anxiety. And those whohave listened to the show know that that
(00:49):
is the case. That I ama massive anxiety ball all of the time,
and starting at such a young age, dealing with anxiety, not really
understanding exactly why I had anxiety atsuch a young age. I know now,
I didn't at the time, butI created all of these like cute
little coping mechanisms to maintain my sanityall night long while I was not sleeping.
(01:12):
And some might say that the wordsanity and Lindsay in one sentence probably
should not be combined because I'm alittle insane, and you're probably right.
I don't want to be sane.I like being a little crazy, because
how boring to not be a littleinsane, right, But anyway, so
I started developing these coping mechanisms thatI created that turned into this intense amount
(01:37):
of OCD, and it's something thatI struggle with on a daily as does
my loved one. My Sweetie's likemy God, and he witnesses this insanity
from time to time. And I'mnot saying OCD equals insane. I am
speaking of me only. And mytendency has really got into As a kid,
when I was trying to keep myselfoccupied all night long was organization and
(01:59):
color code and label spacing out andknow all that awesome stuff. My parents
would come in in the middle ofthe night and I would be like dragging
my bed from one side of theroom to another. I'd be pulling my
desk apart. I would be completelyorganizing my closet again because I just didn't
have anything to do. What Ihave found through doing this show, and
(02:22):
after almost forty five years of mebeing who I am that I've had to
look back at the reasons why Iput in these coping mechanisms, the reasons
why I am still that person.The reason why if everything isn't just so,
I can't keep going on with myday until something is fixed, and
(02:43):
it's really obnoxious and annoying and timeconsuming to the point that's like I wake
up in the morning and until X, Y, and Z is done and
straight and perfect, I cannot focuson my job. I cannot focus on
my show. I cannot do thesethings because in and of itself, that
cleanliness and that OCD and that organizationpart of me, which was a coping
(03:04):
mechanism, has now continued to followme into adulthood. And now I'm still
stuck in that space and I'm tryingto figure out the reasons why. And
like I said, through doing theshow, the number one reason is trauma,
at least for me. And sonow while doing the show, I'm
finding out more about myself. I'mfinding out more about myself from my guests,
(03:24):
teaching me some of the errors ofmy ways, teaching me things that
I did not really know before.And these are things that we need to
work on as adults, as welook back at things that have happened to
us and why we do the thingsthat we do. And I've put into
place a couple of little things,and one of them is like, on
Sunday mornings, I won't make ourbed anymore. And it is fucking torture.
(03:50):
I hate it. I walk bythe bed all day I'll go and
I am like losing my freaking mindbecause it is not made. And yes,
we circle back to the Sammy.Please. I'm a little bit crazy
when it comes to it, butI'm not alone in it. So without
further ado, I am going tobring on my guests today. Her name
(04:12):
is Tanya Cardi. Hi, Henny, thank you for having me. Oh
my gosh, I'm so excited totalk to you today. Tanya is a
life alignment coach and professional organizer whostarted her business in twenty fourteen. She's
worked over the years to help peoplelike myself understand the why behind their life
(04:32):
clutter or people like myself the declutterers, and organizing for good and healing from
past trauma. So thanks for beinghere with me today, girl. I'm
excited. I was hearing you talkand I'm like, yep, yep,
that's what I do. That's whatI do, yep, yep, me
me me me, Well, I'mrolling out the red carpet for you.
(04:53):
And I'd like to start with whyyou ended up leaving your elementary teaching position
because she was an elementary school teacher, and why you moved into being a
life alignment coach and professional organizer.Then let's take it from there. Yes,
many different reasons. One, thework environment was just too much,
too intense all the time, andyou couldn't teach anymore. So after twelve
(05:16):
years, I had tried everything.I tried different positions, and I was
just like undone undone, So itwas it was hard because I loved working
with kids, but I didn't feellike I could do what I was meant
to do, and that was reallyhelping people connect to their passion, helping
people connect to their purpose. AndI was always motivating kids and so that
(05:40):
plus just a life you said nineyears old. They started laughing. I'm
like, yep. That's when Istarted realizing how crazy things were at home
and I was like, this doesn'tmake sense. And I was literally reorganizing
things in my bedroom. I wouldget rid of stuff, reorganize. I
was the one who had the cleanbedroom. Sister was the one who had
(06:00):
a disaster. And then I washoping people and then someone you know,
who knew me at the time,I was like, why don't you just
do this as a business and forgetteaching, And I was like, yeah,
you know what I've done, Andso I started with more of a
professional organizer lens. But I wouldsay because my background was in psychology and
education, I would go into people'shomes ready to help them change, and
(06:23):
they were like, no, Ijust want you to put things in boxes.
So it took a while to shifteverything to get people to understand No,
I'm coming in your house to helpyou understand why, and organizing is
just one small fraction of what I'mhere for. Yeah, And I find
that very interesting because I would lovefor you to come into my living space
(06:45):
and be like, Okay, she'ssaid she's OCD because I'm like looking around
my studio and I'm like, everythingfeels want to do and here, but
I know that there is a reasonfor why it's where it is. It
might not. It's like my beautifuldisaster, you know, and it's really
hard to take that out of me. And it comes to a point where
like I'll have friends that will stayhere and watch the house and the dogs
(07:05):
while we're traveling or what have youand the entire time, I'm like chucking
my webcam, like I need tomake sure like things are in order.
I'm like, lindsay, this isfreaking ridiculous. Don't buy on your dog
and house that are but literally allthey want. All I'm looking at is
like did they put the dog bawlsin the right place in front of the
(07:27):
microwave two feet across from each other? Like that's all I'm looking for.
It's just nuts and it makes youfeel a little crazy. So when you
go into these people's homes and youassess their their clutter, their horde,
if you will in some cases,what is your process like for people?
Because I know everyone's a little bitdifferent, but can you give us like
an example of what you do?And I'd love to hear a story of
(07:50):
like one of your craziest experiences insomebody's home too, So pull that one
out of your hat so I know. And I didn't trap before it,
which is by because that's how Ilove doing the show. Anyway, I
would say, first things, sidenote, everybody's a hoarder because everyone holds
onto things for the wrong reason.And I don't usually say right or wrong.
(08:11):
I take that out of my vocabulary. But they're holding onto it for
reasons that don't make sense anymore.Let's put it that way. And the
other piece is I just if Ican comment on what you were sharing.
A lot of this need to havethings a certain way, whether it's clutter
mess or clutter organization, or it'sholding on and holding on its familiar and
(08:33):
it's safety. Yeah, anxiety isactually about it's a label that's been swapped
on because here you go. Youcan have a pill for it. That
doesn't fix the anxiety. It's aboutthe nervous system not feeling safe. It's
about not being able to control asituation and knowing the outcome. Because if
you can't have things the same everysingle day, that's unexpected, that's unknown.
(08:56):
That that's the nervous system going alert. Fire alarm, fire alarm,
because the brain, the body,the spirit has been hard wired from these
past experiences to be afraid. You'renot living in the past anymore, but
your nervous system and your body andyour mind spirit are living in the past.
Yeah, we talk about that withtrauma. I mean, my gosh,
(09:18):
exactly. So it's when I gointo someone's home, I've seen everything
and it's it's people like everyone willhave a different way to fold, Everyone's
going to have a different way towash dishes, and everyone's gonna be like,
no, no, this is theway you do it. A thought
creates your reality. Your point ofview creates your reality. So once you're
aware of that, then you realizethat there is no right or wrong way.
(09:39):
It's just how do you feel likedoing it. The way you're saying
is that my way is not right. I don't care for this. It
was nice knowing you there. It'sgoing a pleasure side. It was lovely
meeting you, and it's it's beeninteresting, like living with someone now and
making that shift that I do thingsa certain way. We get into habit
because it's easy. It's fact student, I don't have to change like you're
(10:01):
just in this rhythm. Change meansmore time, more energy, more effort.
It means challenging yourself taking a risk, and people don't want to do
that, especially if they've experienced alot of trauma, because that's much stress
on the nervous system. So theway I work is three phases. The
first phase is, well, let'sassess what your core values are and look
(10:22):
at what you want to create inyour life, because if you're holding onto
the past, whether it's in yourphysical belongings, how you do things,
your reactions, your responses, behaviors, habits, points of view. The
list goes on because it's not justthe physical spaces. We identify that and
then we look like, okay,well, what do we need to release
that's not allowing you to create that. If you want more time to do
(10:45):
meditation, but you don't have itbecause you're spending a significant amount of time
setting up your space in the morningto be a specific way, then how
are you going to do that meditation? You can't, So what are we
going to let go of? Andit's not just the physical belonging is a
great way to get it started becausethen we ever covered the clinging on and
why there's that attachment, and oncewe uncover the attachment and the belief and
(11:07):
everything, we don't have to diginto the trauma to do this. Then
you release it and you go oh, and then it just shifts your point
of view, and then it hasa ripple effect on your behaviors, your
habits, how you engage in things. So it's all connected. It's not
just about letting go to belongings.It's all the questions that I ask during
the process. And then the secondphase is getting into your natural rhythm,
(11:30):
and that's about what are we goingto do to support your nervous system so
that your window tolerance gets bigger soyou feel safe again. And how are
you going to spend your time becausenow you know that what you want to
create, you're reconnecting with yourself.You're reconnecting with your power and purpose.
How are we going to organize yourlife to match that because now your space
has been addressed, and all thebeliefs and everything that we're holding you back
(11:54):
from making the time to do this. And then the third phase is I
love alliteration, so passion, powerand purpose. And it's like think of
people when their children. Before maybethings got hard, there was a playfulness
of curiosity, freedom, joy,creativity, ease, just being present that
(12:18):
central vegel. That's being your power. So once you have your spaces and
your natural rhythm and you've released achunk of what's been holding you back,
you can now put your energy intoyour life purpose and it doesn't have to
be a business. I do dothe business side of coaching it's what would
you want to cultivate in your life, that's your life purpose. It could
(12:39):
be, oh, I want tohave very loving, meaningful relationships, or
oh, I want to help people, you know, create beautiful works of
art because they're talented, they justdon't know that they can do it or
whatever whatever it may be, right, and they might be hiding behind things
that happened to them that they're notnecessarily sure that they're hiding that they are
(13:00):
hiding behind that, And I findthat so incredibly interesting. I have somebody
that's in my world who is alegitimate hoarder, not as bad as like
the TV show Hoarders, where there'slike dead cats and dead rats and dead
animals that are there. But you'retalking about a nine thousand square foot pard
(13:20):
from every cupboard, every drawer,The entire garage is three car garage from
the floor to the ceiling of tothe roof line, which is a huge
roofline. It's not like a smallgarage goes all the way up to the
roof of a nine thousand square footand the entire garage is a horde on
top of the rust of the home. And she keeps things like her daughters,
(13:41):
like all of their stuffed animals hasall of them. They're twenty seven,
it has all of them, andshe's holding onto so much stuff and
it's to a point where it's justout of control and they won't let go
of anything. An envelope from mail, Like it's getting stacked and stacked and
(14:01):
stacked, and it's gotten to thepoint that it's really really sad. And
then dementia has kind of started toplay into that because she's fairly old,
older and in our late seventies,and you know, it's a challenge in
that regard, because what do youdo when you have smaller cases per se
versus bigger cases, Like obviously yougo into a home like that one that's
(14:22):
that's a bigger elephant. And that'slike, I don't work with individuals who
there's different like here in Canada havedifferent levels of identifying it like level one,
two, three, and four.That sounds like it's a level four
for me. I work with peoplewho are more like level one two.
It's people who are living their life. But then there's these big gaps like
(14:43):
they just can't seem to get thetime management or they can't seem to keep
their space organized, or there's justholes because with trauma comes gaps in learning
and gaps in brain development that youknow, there's this whole thing of ADHD
or I did a video, thisand a and a blog. ADHD is
really just the brain on trauma.So certainly, if you look at the
(15:07):
list of things that happen to thebrain, if you've experienced a lot of
trauma, especially childhood, and youlook at ADHD, it's the same thing.
Interesting, it's pretty much the samething. And so it's executive functioning.
It wasn't developed. And so whenI work with people, it's teaching
them because you can learn that stuff. So I work with people who are
functioning, but they're just they're notfunctioning at the level that they could be
(15:31):
because they have these gaps. Andeverybody has different little like different puzzle like
different pieces that are missing. Nobodyhas the exact same pieces that are missing.
Yeah, I always like to usepuzzles in relation to me specifically because
I always even in my business aswell, I love putting together puzzle pieces
(15:52):
to things Like it's always like Iget a new client and I've got to
like figure out like where all thepieces are, like Okay, there's like
twenty and account pushions underneath here.We got to find those the whole process
that I go through to kind ofput together their puzzle. It feels like
that's kind of similar, even thoughmine's very different on the people that I
deal with. But the gaps andthe holes in our understanding and our learning
and our ways of developing is sointeresting. Because I'm sitting here, of
(16:15):
course my brain's like, okay,so nine thirteen, seventeen, twenty,
twenty one, twenty three, likehow many of these? Can I line
up and go, Okay, wheredid all of these gaps happen? And
now I'm kind of freaking out.No, don't freak out, because it's
(16:37):
I'm like, oh my god,because and I'm a pretty high functioning person
even in the midst of my shit, you know, like I am,
and I've always been that way.But I'm like, man, I could
be so much stronger and so muchbetter if I could plug some of these
holes or at least release some ofthe like gross gas that needs to come
out of whatever that trauma was orwhatever it is. So when you come
(16:59):
in, how long do you workwith people? Typically? So you come
in and you start working with them. I mean, obviously there's probably some
ongoing part, but can you talka little bit about hopping in and getting
in When somebody wants to work withsomebody like you, what is their experience
like? And how long do youtypically work with people that are like at
A one two obviously not level four? Yeah, level four. It really
(17:21):
depends. It's kind of like aPandor's box because once you open it on,
you can open it up, youcan go on forever, And it
depends on how deep someone wants togo, generally for a physical space,
depending on can a person do stuffoutside of sessions. So if I'm going
in person, I'll go in personfirst, and it could be a couple
(17:41):
of months doing weekly sessions and thenshifting to online to weekly sessions. And
I would say, if a personwants that true change, because it's not
going to happen overnight, I wouldsay once two years. And when I
say two years, it's like we'redoing check ins every two weeks every month,
just to like, I don't wantto say fine tune, but just
(18:02):
to make sure that you're on track. Because there's that accountability piece, because
I don't believe in inner work.I believe in discovery and transformation and being
curious and having fun with this andbeing able to laugh, like how you're
making fun of yourself, and that'swhat we need to do. Why do
we need to make this like thescary thing that we have to face?
Why not have fun with it?Look, I agree with that approach because
(18:25):
that's why that's one of the reasonswhy I did this. I do the
show the way that I do itis because if I can't laugh through the
crap that's been dished, then I'vegot no hope, and neither do you.
If you're gonna sit there and I'mnot talking to you, Tony,
I'm talking to you my listeners willmaybe you too, love No, But
it's like, if you are notgoing to be able to laugh through some
(18:45):
of the painful things in life,then you've got some bigger problems to address.
Because that's the only way that Iget through it's been a little depraved
using the effort. I know youlove it as well, but like we
we have to give ourselves some graceand laugh a little bit about our life
and enjoy the experience even though it'shard, Yes, and it's not to
(19:07):
say, you know, don't cryor you know, be positive, feel
the emotions, and just approach thesituation with a little bit of lightness so
that more you know, focused timeof like really being consistent and doing a
lot would be about six months.Yeah, okay, and it depends on
the individual, but I would sayat least six months to be like quite
(19:29):
consistent. And with that, it'sit's about kind of just dipping in and
dipping out, right. We don'thave to sit in it all the time.
It's being able to flow in andout and not be so like obsessed
and focused about this inner work allthe time because then it takes over.
We want to be present just lifeand then dip in when we can and
(19:52):
be like, oh look I'm doingthis differently now, and then just close
my master bedroom doors on Sundays anddon't think about it for the entire day.
How can you see the like whatelse is possible in that situation to
have fun? Because when you weredescribing it, I'm like, okay,
you know what you can do.You can like go jump in your bed
and be like, oh look,I can take a nap and like play
with the covers and like just likeit all snuggs like a dogwood and like
(20:17):
play. Wait what would a kiddo? So I just have a pillow
fight and my panties with one ofmy girlfriends, or just sit in your
bed and have a team Like allright, man, all right, simmer
down, guys, simmer down.I know that's what you think we all
do when we hang out. ButI can tell you it's not what we
do. We bet about you,We bet about you, and then we
(20:38):
want to have a pillow fight withyou. Nobody's just one of those things
that's like it is, it's retrainingmy brain. Do not see things the
way I see them. Like,for example, I think I've told this
story before on the show, butI'm gonna tell it again just in case.
I'm in the supermarket not that longago. I'm always probably a couple
(21:00):
of months ago, and my sweetieis with me, and we're walking down
the aisle dot to Dote to doand there are like the tuna cans on
the right hand side, and theyare not facing labels facing front. They're
not and I walk by it andthen I'm like, hey, honey,
like, weligo, grab you knowwhatever the heck you needed a gub tell
them what to grab. I wentback to the aisle and I fix every
(21:22):
damned tuna can in the aisle,and I'm like, what kind of monster
does this? Like it is insanesometimes that I cannot help myself. Even
like in our refrigerator, he andI will be standing there will be like,
wanted to grab something, and I'lljust like, who, like,
turn something from the left to theright, because now it is the way
that it is. But it's notlike that in every single facet of my
(21:44):
life, Like there are places whereI do tend to not be quite as
crazy as that, where everything cannotbe it perfectly in order, and I've
just had to accept some of that. But part of it is gives me
such anxiety when I see something likestack that isn't the way that it should
be, or there's something that Iforgot to do, and I'm not somebody
that forgets things. And with mybrain pain bologna that I have, I
(22:08):
know that I deal with a lotmore brain fog than I'm used to.
So I'm struggling with that because someof the things that I used to spend
a lot of time on in myOCD and in my organization, I can't
do because of my pain level orbecause I have to focus on something a
little bit more important. And I'mstarting to see, yeah, that as
I'm releasing some of the trapped emotion. Okay, now I have the hiccups.
(22:32):
Good for you, guys. Thisis great. This is be fun.
That trapped emotions that I've kept andthat I've held in my bod for
so long are starting to slowly kindof release, and I'm starting to see
these changes. But they're slow andgradual, and all of a sudden like
snake up on me, even thoughit was slow, all of a sudden,
that's slow. Is like, wellthat was six months ago I started
(22:55):
approaching a topic or an issue,and now I'm starting to get out of
the weeds from it. So itis a process and it's not going to
go it's not going to get fixedovernight. Like you said, we do
have to give ourselves the grace andthe time to do some work within ourselves,
of course, but also to notlive in perfectionism and dysfunction and where
(23:15):
that all leads. Because we allhave our ship, we all do,
you know, and we're hiding behinda lot of it. Oh big time.
Yeah, And I would just saythat on t what you shared is
that when people have these habits,like you're talking about yourself and you know,
having to adjust labels and whatnot,that is just there was a need
that wasn't met, and then youdeveloped a coping mechanism, so we can
(23:38):
trace back to what need wasn't met, and then the coping mechanism and the
belief in the story around it,then it just dissolves. Huh, because
I had I had a klan,yes for an example, giving an example.
It's not a crazy lamb, butoh I only want crazy here,
just crazy on this show, Thankyou very much. She was forced to
(24:03):
do tutoring and was punished for notbeing able to clean her room. As
a child, she struggled with ADHDand what happened was as an adult,
what do you think happened? Asan adult she would procrastinate with work and
she would procrastinate with cleaning her room. Why because she was still rebelling.
But as soon as we figured outthat connection, she's like, oh my
(24:26):
goodness, I never realized that thatconnection. As soon as we saw that,
we did something I do like differentmindfulness practices and like somatic work.
We do phrases. I do avariety of things to help release it and
shift it in the subconscious. Oncewe did that exercise that need to do
that, it dissipated. You wereable to find the anchor of what caused
(24:51):
that pattern. And so that's thepieces of the puzzle that I do.
That's why when people are letting goof stuff, they're like, oh,
no, I need it, Wellwhy do you need it? And then
I just keep on asking questions andsometimes people think I'm judging. I'm like,
no, I'm just asking questions sothat I understand. And then what
I understand, you start going,oh. And then we figured out Mande,
I have pirate ships this like anchoredall over the place all right,
(25:12):
Like we've got a lot of workto do. Maybe we're gonna find some
treasure on those ships. I don'tknow, but I mean, it's it's
nuts. It's the psyche is soincredible. When you think about the things
that we've been through at such ayoung age, we don't think anything of
it. We just don't. Andwe always are like, oh, you
(25:33):
know when we're a teenagers in college, you know, we have nothing can
kill us. We can do whateverwe want to everything's gonna be fine,
And then you look back at someof the things that were absolutely horrible things
that happened to me. I alsodid stupid shit, like absolutely like I
caused problems for myself. I causedmy own traumas. I know those places
those I've addressed. I have notaddressed the places where trauma was caused to
(25:57):
me that I had no ConTroll over. Okay, and those are the places
that I think are like I'm I'mlooking at my studio desk right now,
I'm like, Okay, this littlebit of an organization is stuff. I've
addressed that all my labels facing outup and I did it this morning.
I literally cleaned out the entire refrigeratorthis morning because I had an Instacart order
(26:18):
being delivered and I needed to makesure that everything was going to be just
right and just so and all ofthat. So this morning, instead of
prepping more to talk with you,I didn't need much because you're so wonderful,
I decided that cleaning my refrigerator wasa much better use of my time.
Complete bullshit. I was so pissedoff at myself because I could not
(26:38):
stop. I couldn't stop. Icanceled something else. I canceled another something
else to make sure that I wasgoing to get that done. So dumb,
like, no, stop eating yourselfup? No no, no,
okay, okay, it's not dumb. It's absolutely wonderful behavior. Lindsay,
well, it's what is I taughtyou that you're so doing this? And
(27:00):
it's about why what is it thatyou need? What is it that you
need that's causing you to do that? What happened before that developed this?
Right? Because you were talking aboutsleeping and we don't have to do this
here, but do you know whatI mean? Like it's going to that
anchors, like what is this allabout? What does this need to do?
That? And control and controlling environmentsand situations and things need to be
(27:23):
a certain way? Is safety?And two things come up for me.
I don't know if it's for you, but just in general when I work
with people, perfectionism I see alot with people because that means no criticism.
A lot of people grew up indysfunctional families. Criticism, criticism,
cristicism. But if I'm perfect,nobody can say anything, right. So
that's one, Daniel. The otherone is just the general safety so if
(27:49):
I can control the environment, Ican predict what's going to happen, which
keeps me safe because the trauma wasnot predictable. Right, So it's looking
at how can we take that experienceof where that connection was made and doing
some subconscious work and embodiment to letyour nervous system know you are safe now.
(28:14):
Safety is an unfortunate topic that isbrought up in my life almost every
day. Oh yeah, it's inmy relationship with my sweetie. Not because
I feel but not because it's likean unsafe thing between he and I.
But it's safety as a whole inmy life that he and I struggle with,
And there are elements where he justdoesn't get it, and I don't
(28:36):
even know how to explain it withoutlike rehashing old trauma and taking wounds that
have since been healed at least wethought they were at least, you know,
and going Okay, now I'm rippingout all of those stitches. I'm
ripping out all of that stuff,and I've got to readjust that stuff.
So can you approach that? Becauseshe's shaking out head, No at me,
That's what I knew. You weregoing to shake your head no,
(28:57):
I want you to talk about thatfor a sect because that is I know
that that is where fear lies andpeople that have safety issues, and people
that have OCD tendencies or our ordersor what have you, who are holding
on. If you can approach thattopic, I think that's a biggie yeah,
and thank you for sharing that becauseI can relate a lot. Right
(29:18):
My nervous system is on high alert. It's gotten better because I've really focused
on strengthening my nervous system. Andthere's three areas that we need as children
when we're developing, the need forsafety, the need for unconditional love,
and the need for boundaries. SoI won't go into those too much.
I have a YouTube video you canwatch on it. And with those needs
not being met, we then developcoping mechanisms to compensate. And when we're
(29:45):
in that place where we're not feelingsafe, it could be like a micro
moment, like a split second ofa facial expression, of a gesture,
it could be anything that sets offthe nervous system to that memory, and
then you're in a flash back.So there's a difference between a trigger and
a flashback of triggers like pressing thebutton and then something happens. So the
(30:07):
trigger is the media of like,oh this reminds me of and then the
body's having its response. That's theflashback. You could be in a flashback
for five minutes, five days,five weeks, five months, right,
because you could keep on getting trappedin it and keep on getting flashback for
forty's the world's longest flash threat.So the key is you don't have to
(30:30):
tell your sweetie what happened. Youjust say, sweetie, I'm having a
flashback, and you work I'm comingback to ventral vegel and whatever is in
your toolbox to do that. Sowhen I work with people, we have
a toolbox to strengthen, so dailypractices to strengthen your nervous system, and
then we have a toolbox of Okay, when you're way out and you know
(30:52):
your f type, if your flightfreeze fawn or fight fight freeze or fawn
and one of those, you knowwhat to do for each of them,
and you know the red flags ofwhich state you're in. What do I
need to do to get back intoventral bagel and that becomes the focus and
by doing that, you're just strengtheningyour nervous system. You're coming back to
ventral bagel, and then you're tellingyour brain, oh, guess what,
(31:14):
I'm safe, so you don't haveto relift things like that's old, that's
not talk therapy. Talk therapy hardwires the trauma because then you keep on
reliving it. Woman, enough,she's putting table out of business over right,
here, left and right as aday. I'm going to take this
a step further. In America,we live in a quick, fixed society.
(31:34):
Pop a pill, go shopping,watch this. You're you being out
of ventral vegel creates gives money toconsumerism. But if you're in ventral vegelt
the time, then you can't makemoney. So it's about And then you
said I'm going to put people outof business, Well yeah, because then
if you're always in ventral bagel,you don't need to go to that therapist.
You're not going to need to seeme forever. That's not the point.
(31:56):
The point is to get to aplace where you can stand in your
two feet and be solid and goover into the world alone because you've gained
the skills you've need to gain,and you've let go what was holding you
back. And then you're on yourown and you've created the social network and
the community and the support that youneed. Because trauma equals isolation and shame
big time. Yeah, big time, especially the isolation. While I get
(32:22):
both isolation and shame. I mean, I've worked from home forever twenty four
years. So I'm used to myspace, and I'm used to everything being
just so, and I'm used tomy timelines, and I'm used to the
discipline that I have placed in mylife since I was well twenty three years
ago, you know. And it'shard when people come into my space and
(32:42):
are even there, even if theycome over for dinner. Yeah, there's
a couple of them, my girlfriendsthat are awesome. They like always clamp
the kitchen or they you know,they're picking up, they're helping me out.
Like one of them will do mysisters fill basically my sister still grab
the vacuum and just like start randomway vacuum or whatever. And then there's
a couple that like they just havedinner and they put their dishes in the
sink and they don't care and theydon't think think, and they're ungrateful and
(33:05):
what have you. But I'm likenow, you've like gotten in my space
and you've changed every single thing abouthow I wanted this night to go.
And I let dishes in the sinkderail me because I find disrespect when it
comes to that that, like somebodydidn't do it on my timeline when I
wanted it done at the time Iwanted it the way I wanted it,
And if they had done it anyways, I would have rewashed their dishes and
(33:27):
put them in the right way andthe damn dishwasher. It's like, oh
my god, Lindsay, it's insane, Like I cannot have those two I'm
so Gemini. They that two sideof me where it's like I want everything
done the way that I want itdone, because this is the way that
it should be done, because thisis the this is these are the rules
that have been in place in mylife forever. And then there's a side
of me that's really trying to breakfree from it to a certain extent by
(33:52):
letting people come in and help mewith some things, and then I end
up just redoing them and it's justreally frustrating. Yeah, it's that I'm
hearing like that black and white again, and that's very, very common with
most people. Right, And whenyou're in that black and white thinking,
then it creates separation. Yeah,and divide and judgment, judge. Yes,
(34:16):
you're judging yourself, you're judging otherpeople. You're resenting others, you're
resenting yourself. You're beating yourself up, you're beating them up. Yes.
It just being an experience and justobserving and being like, oh, they
put They're the type of people thatwhen they come over, they put in
the dishes. Oh that's interesting,Okay, cool, Okay. They're the
type of people that come over anddon't do anything because they were raised that
(34:37):
when you go to someone's house,the other person's hosting, everyone has a
different point of view. So there'sno I don't like that vey though,
so then you ask say, hey, I love having over. It's a
lot for me because of X,Y and Z or it means a lot
for me when it's like a cocreation, you know, what are you
really good at? And being ableto let that go because no one wants
(34:58):
to be boster Man when they're goingsometimes I am dead. I am dead.
I'm probably the person that would havelike stickers instead of my name is.
It's like you're in charge of Idon't know if you're a Seinfeld fan,
but there's there's a Seinfeld episode withwhy I don't remember what party they
(35:19):
were at. I think it was. It wasn't Tim Watley, it was
the other guy. That guy likedid the snaps all the time. He's
like, you're in charge of makingsure nobody taps on the fish Stamer that
all right? And there's that you'rein charge of music. You're in charge
of coats, right un that's whenElaine goes in and there's two of the
same coats. Anyways, but that'swhat I feel like. That like,
if people come over, I'm like, I don't want them to feel that
(35:40):
way, but I also want peopleto understand if they know me as well
as they do. It's one thingif you're having a big party and you're
entertainment, you're talking about your bestfriends that come over. They know who
I am, they know what I'mlike. If the situation was reversed,
I would be cognitive of their particularliving environment and the way that they live.
But that's also who I am.Like, I'm always considering what other
(36:02):
people are doing and what she isnot happy with me right now Guys,
if you saw her day's taking herfinger at me and I don't care for
it. That is not you.Those are habits. What do you mean?
What do you mean? Would yousay like, that's who I am,
That's not who you are. Thoseare coping strategies, those are preferences.
(36:25):
That's not who you are as that'snot your spirit, that's not who
you are inside someone who wants everythingto be a certain way. So by
cleaning to those labels and asking otherpeople, and I'm going to call you
out on this because it's gonna gocall me out. Everybody call me out.
I don't. I don't one thatdoes not not like to be called
out, call me out. It'senabling, right because then when you expect
(36:46):
people to accommodate, it's n enabled. So yes, you want people to
support when you're slowly shifting out ofthose safety mechanisms, right because you don't
want to put too much stress andhaving those conversations friends like, hey,
this is how I normally do it. Today, I want to try this.
Let's see what happens and play agame. Let's see what happens if
(37:06):
I don't put the dishes in thedishwasher and you guys do, and then
we have to turn the dishwasher onand I'm not allowed to turn it off.
Let's see what happens. The questionis, did they rent the cheese
off of the plate first? Becauseif you, if anybody in this world
is any any bit of a human, please just wash the cheese off the
dishes before you put them in thedishwasher. Just do it. Don't anticipate
(37:30):
that this hot water is going tomake it work, because it doesn't.
You'll have to put some elbow greasein. Okay, that's it. Have
faith and trust. Have faith andtrust when I've done that, When I've
done that and I have it isa disaster, okay, And that is
me Like I just like I saidin the beginning about my bed not being
made of torture. Okay, maybeit's not a disaster. Maybe it's not
(37:53):
torture. It feels that way thoughat the time, because I don't understand
how it is possible that somebody wouldcome over and have dinner and not assist
in helping or at least ask orI don't understand, like how did you
not see like the mountain of crumbcake that you have on the counter.
(38:15):
Why did you not like take thesponge and wash it down? It right?
And it's it's little things like thatthat add up over times within every
one of my relationships. And Iam the first person to say that this
is who I am. And Iknow that it has caused harm in some
of my friendships. Yeah, Iknow that it has because I've gotten resentful,
I've gotten pissed off. I'm like, come on, dude, like
(38:37):
help me out. I need alittle help. And when I ask for
it, which is hard for meto do, I still get let down.
So then I end up not askingfor help again, and then the
vicious cycle begins. Exactly exactly.I definitely struggle with that when my sweetheart
moved in, because I was like, what are you doing? What are
(38:57):
you doing? What is happening here? I know exactly And then I was
like, Oh, I'm just gonnatrain him right. Nope, So what
has happened? Now? Give mea comment the other day and I laughed
because he was like, what's goingon here? He goes, you send
me one of the house cleaned this, but the other that's not that the
(39:20):
house was messy, Like, it'snot that our place was gross. Or
anything. But I had let itgo because I stopped micromanaging. I stopped
keeping tally. I was keeping tally. Oh he did this, I have
to do this. Like so Iwas stopping the micromanaging and like focusing on
all that and taking a step back. I think with trauma, what happens
is we focus on the micro wetry to do the prevention, and then
(39:44):
we get lost from the big picture, loving sweet man who's very giving and
does a lot in the relationship.And it's the more I could see that
and trust that, I let goand now we're in this beautiful rhythm and
it's not like oh I cooked today, you have cook tomorrow, or I
did the dishes, you have todo this, Like it's not this check
(40:04):
mark. And that's that's indicative ofdysfunctional families too, like blaming each other
saying oh you did this, andlike what's the term for it, like
keeping tabs? Yeah, I likethe tallying, the keeping tabs, and
you owe me. There's this ideaof you owe me, right, that's
so when we when we dissolve that, then there isn't this need and there'sn't
this judgment of things having to bedone a certain way and making assumptions that
(40:30):
everyone has to do it your way, and like all those different belief systems
and points of view, they justkind of dissolve the more you can see
the big picture and focus on what'smost important. Well, what's most important
is that we have a nice dinnertogether and that we eat healthy, and
that the dishes get done at sowhenever they get it done, they get
(40:51):
goin in a very recent time.But you know what I mean, like,
just yeah, it doesn't have tobe perfect. I love talking to
you about this though, because itis something that is loud and clear in
my ears. Because I know thatobviously everybody that's listening this episode knows.
Yeah, I'm circling back to thebeginning, guys, where I was talking
about Lindsay and sanity in the samesentence. Now you understand what I'm talking
(41:15):
about. But I know that thisis an element of my life that I
need to work on. I mean, it's not even an element. It
is a huge part of my lifeand a huge part of who I am.
Some of it is wonderful, thefact that I'm organizing color coded and
all of that, all of thathas been applied to my business. All
that's been applied to the show,all of that's been applied in other really
(41:37):
good places, but it also creepsus wearing gross head up in places that
are super unhealthy, and that holdsme in this like unhealthy rhythm where now
I'm just annoyed instead of like it'sjust a fucking crumb, it's like not
that big of a See now Ihave the hiccups again, right, things
(41:58):
coming up? Interesting? Great?So if you have the hiccups, guys,
stuff that you need to deal withis happening. Is this what your
is? This what you your informationis? Your body's talking to you right?
Oh my gosh. There are somany things that I want to continue
to talk to you about. AndI know that that every listener and now's
gonna be like gotta call you.So my question is do you work virtually?
(42:22):
Because I know that you talked aboutdoing virtual stuff after you've already been
into somebody's home. Can you workwith people virtually? Yeah, I've done
right from stuff one online. There'ssome ways that it can be approached.
I don't necessarily have to be thereto physically help you let go of things.
It's just that it's a bit differentof a process. Hey, if
(42:43):
you want to find me down inCalifornia, I'm happy to come down.
Come on down, girlfriend, comeon down. I might send you a
couple of places. Actually, actuallyI would never send you to the nine
thousand spread foot the hoard. I'mnot a monster, yes, Jordan,
Yes, I do work online.Okay, we can address quite a bit
online because it's really both the beliefsystems. It's well, I think we've
(43:07):
all gotten so used to doing thingsonline and on Zoom now that it's like
back in the day that the PCpre COVID, you know, people would
be like what now you know nowit's like what, I don't want to
do it if it's not on.I don't want to leave my house to
be talking. I don't want toleave my house. I'm I'm great here.
Oh not good comfort, I know. I know. Well, I'm
(43:28):
the queen of that. And someof that is I can't thrive very much
because of my legs, and sothere's an element of that that's gotten in
the way. But you know,I'm still out and about doing my thing.
I take my wheelchair and I goout and you know, I go
do my thing. But it's stillless available for me to do the things
that I would want to do.But I also am a little bit of
a homebody, and even though I'msuper outgoing and all that, I'm actually
(43:51):
very very introverted, and I likemy personal space. I don't like people.
Do not ring my doorbell. Don'tdo it, don't do it,
don't ring it. I have signson the door that says, don't do
it. Don't even leave me avoicemail. My voicemail says, don't leave
me before your kid. You're sofunny because I don't listen to him.
So I mean, it's like itis what it is. Just call me
and I see him as call callyou back. But anyways, is there
(44:13):
anything left that you'd like to leaveour listeners with. You've given me my
mind's exploding a little bit. Ididn't I knew I needed you before this,
and now I'm a little bit traumatizedby this call. So thank you.
We're gonna have to unpack that.I'm ready. I'm not traumatized at
all. It just has given mea lot to think about stuff that I
(44:34):
know that's kind of been creeping upthat I've needed to address, and I
didn't realize that this was as bad, big of an issue as it was
till a couple months ago when Ireally started to do that don't make my
bed thing on Sundays, like literallyand and it's not easy. And my
sweetie is like, don't do it. And I just like pull the covers
up, like kind of make itlook like a man. He's like,
no, or we're just gonna sendthe dogs in and they're gonna mess up
(44:57):
the bed, that's what we're gonnahave them do. And I'm just like,
oh, man, but is thereanything that you'd like to leave our
listeners with outside of all this wonderfulness? Oh, that's a big question.
I would say, let go tolabels. That's the big thing. Let
go of all the labels, becausethat keeps you trapped in the past,
It keeps you trapped in victimhood.And it's really about looking at what can
(45:17):
you let go of, what canyou release, and then what needs need
to be cultivated and what do youwant to create, Like what is your
sole purpose? Because the main thingI do is get people back into alignments
you can live your soul purpose.So let's start with letting go the labels
and letting go of the stories,which is not talking about ten official labels.
(45:39):
Guys. Nope, Now, wellmaybe for you, maybe you're awesome
experiences because then it helps people kindof understand the ways that they can approach
it. So thank you for sharingthem. You got it. I mean,
I'm always here to be vulnerable andoutspoken because you know, it's I
(46:00):
don't know if it's a good thingor a bad thing, but I have
more stories to share that are aroundevery single episode and the people that I
talk to that I have some kindof a story that I can throw in
and I don't know if that's agood thing or a bad thing, but
I tend to be able to havesome kind of something that I need to
still work on, and it alwaysshows itself and it makes me stronger as
(46:24):
a woman and as a business ownerand as a friend and as a partner
to work on these things and tobe vulnerable with you guys, and to
talk to you about the things thathave happened in my world. And you
guys come on the show and youtalk about your vulnerabilities and the things that
you've been through, and both healersand people that have gone through their traumas
and I really appreciate your time withus today, Tony. It's been really
(46:45):
fun, awesome. Thank you,you got it, and I know you've
got a bunch of stuff coming downthe pike. All of her information is
going to be in show notes,She's got some freebies, she's got a
new website that's launching really really soon, so I will have all of that
show notes for you guys. Thankyou again for spending time with us here
today. I really appreciate it,and I clearly need you. Thank you
(47:08):
anytime, anytime you got it.You are exclusively invited to share this trauma
clearing, organizing, decluttering a VIPpain journey together. Let's get to the
heart of how to heal with youby my side. Do you know somebody
who is living in and with chronicpain or needs massive OCD fixes like myself.
(47:30):
If you do, please send themour way here to the Pain Game
Podcast. I'd love to connect withthem and hear their heartfelt stories of strength,
wisdom, and awesomeness. Please followthe Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest
your podcast content, we will bethere. Visit us at the Pain Game
podcast dot com and follow us onall the socials. Thanks for listening my
little VIPs. Catch you on theother side.
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