February 4, 2025 • 27 mins
Becky Whetstone, PhD, is a Marriage and Family Therapist and Life Coach specializing in marriage crisis counseling. Her resilient spirit has been shaped by personal crisis, and sheoffers intelligent, thoughtful decision making and action taking for people in crisis. Dr. Becky developed Managed Separation (MS), an intervention guiding separated couples with purpose and timelines. Inspired by her own marriage crisis, Dr. Becky created tools to help couples navigate turmoil. A former journalist, she has an upcoming book, I (Think) I Want Out, aiming to reduce marital chaos and foster healthy relationships.
Connect with Dr. Becky!
IG: @doctorbecky
FB: America’s Marriage Crisis Manager
LI: Becky (The Marriage Crisis Manager) Whetstone, Ph.D.
X: @doctorbecky
Medium: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. Marriage and Family Therapist
Book: I (Think) I Want Out
Connect with Dr. Becky!
IG: @doctorbecky
FB: America’s Marriage Crisis Manager
LI: Becky (The Marriage Crisis Manager) Whetstone, Ph.D.
X: @doctorbecky
Medium: Becky Whetstone, Ph.D. Marriage and Family Therapist
Book: I (Think) I Want Out
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Nito Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:43):
Doesn't Suck. I'm your host, Wendy Sloan, and my guest
today is a marriage and family therapist and life coach
specializing in marriage crisis counseling. We're going to find out
what that is inspired by her own marriage crisis. She's
been married four times. I'm going to say it, and
we're going to hear all about that, and you're going
to want to hear her stories. She's developed managed separation,
(01:07):
which we'll dive into. Also, she's a former journalist. She
has a book that's coming out today and it's called
I Think I Want Out. What to do when one
of you wants to end your marriage. I'm so thrilled
to welcome to my show, doctor Becky Whetstone.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Thanks Wendy. I'm so thrilled to be here. And it's
an exciting day for me. I've been literally waiting for
this day for decades. It's great the book is out today.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Well, congratulations, I love the title I Think I Want Out.
So tell us let's start before ever hear your personal story,
let's dive in and tell us all about the book,
what your mission is, what you want people to know,
and why you wrote the book.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Well, you know, it all goes back to my divorce
in nineteen ninety three ninety four when I went into
a marriage crisis and my husband and I went to
a marriage therapist and the marriage therapist said, since I
wasn't motivated, to work on the marriage that he couldn't
help us, and to come back if I got motivated.
(02:09):
So we went home and managed the crisis ourselves. It
was like two monkeys managing a marriage crisis. We made
a complete disaster of it. We ended up prematurely divorced.
I believe, I mean, he may have his opinion, but
I believe it also probably unnecessarily divorced. We had a
child aged six and three, and you know, and so
(02:33):
and then he got married again and had you know,
there was a step parent in the situation. So I've
had all these years to see how it's played out
since then. You know, it's helped me as an individual,
which is what your podcast is all about. I mean
it really I don't think I could have done everything
I have without leaving that marriage. So I think that
was a vital piece. But this lit a fire in
(02:58):
my belly because it just bug the heck out of
me that the marriage therapist sent us away and didn't
offer us any advice. Right, So I started researching it,
and eventually, after I finished working for a newspaper in
San Antonio, where I lived, I went to graduate school
(03:18):
and made the focus of my research marriage crisis, dying, marriages,
marriages on the brink, and the research I pulled up
literally was eye popping, and I was like, why don't
people have this information? Why don't people know what's going on?
Things could be so different if people knew this so
(03:41):
right then and there, Like when I wrote my dissertation
about it, and when I got out of grad school,
this book was already in my head that it had
to be out there. The information that was so helpful
needed to be readily available for people. So it's kind
of taken me twenty years not only to write it,
but to get a publisher interested in it. Because I
(04:04):
was told by many agents and many publishers that a
marriage about a book about marriage crisis, or you know,
how to separate, how to divorce amicably, all that kind
of stuff was too negative and if I couldn't save
the marriage in the end and tie it all up
in a bow at the end, that they weren't interested.
(04:27):
So I had a real problem finding someone interested in
putting the information out there.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
It's amazing. Well now it's not as taboo and people
talk about it. And I mean, I remember when I
first got divorced in my town. I didn't know anybody
except this one girl that was getting divorced. I'm like,
h you don't know me, but I think we have
something in comment reach out to her, because you're right, like,
we really didn't talk about this, and there wasn't podcasts,
(04:54):
there wasn't books, there wasn't people like you know, we
didn't talk about it period.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
No. And I didn't have an Internet to google around
and go to a marriage you know weekend where they
hit you over the head with a bat make you
come to your senses. You know. We were literally just
you know, stuck without information. And so again this information
was so opening to me, and then of course it
(05:22):
made me have regrets. Why didn't we do this, Why
didn't we do that? Blah blah blah. So you know,
that's what this book is all about. It it's kind
of a redemption book because of our mistakes. And you know,
my book is dedicated to my children who paid the
price for our stupid mistakes, you know, and and to
hopefully take something that was really sad and unnecessary and
(05:46):
turn it into something that helps other people.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Oh well, I think that's great. So let's start with
should I call you doctor Becky or doctor. Oh yeah,
when he done.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Becky, I'm not into all that, you know, the title
stuff it. I mean, I got my PhD and I'm
proud of it, but I don't need to be called doctor.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Bit Okay. So, so, Becky, you've helped hundreds of couples
through painful mazes of divorce and it sure is amazed
and I want to hear about your superpower and I
share your personal story. You've lived these experiences, so you're
very valuable to my audience. I mean, I always say,
you know, this show is about this is what happened
to me, this is how I got together side, and
(06:30):
this is how I'm living two point zero three point zero.
You're living four point oh, so let's let's learn about that.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Oh yeah, oh yeah. Well, you know, compassion and wisdom
comes from suffering, right, so I'm loaded up in compassion
and wisdom from my marital experiences. Yeah. So the you know,
I had been married, let's say three times and divorced
by the time I was forty two or so. And
(07:00):
I always thought of myself as a good and decent person,
you know, like you know, Becky, or you mean, well,
you have integrity? What the heck is happening. You know,
you're crazy? How are you ending up divorced? And so
that again was part of my quest in graduate school
was to kind of figure that out. I had enough
since after the third divorce to tell myself, you know,
(07:23):
wait a minute, you need to do a post mortem.
You need to analyze this situation, see what you're doing,
what your part in it is, and learn from it.
And then, of course I've been taking that information and
helping people in my practice with what I've learned. But
I took ten years off. I did date in the
ten years, but I never had a boyfriend. For ten years.
(07:46):
I got to know myself. I dealt with my demons
that were taking me down the path to dysfunctional relationships.
I learned how to choose mates that were healthy. I
knew not I learned not to ignore red flags. And then,
you know, ten years later, I met a guy who
looked like he could do this with me, you know,
(08:08):
do this, you know four point zero as you call it,
and have my first healthy marriage where I get it right.
So that's what I'm doing now. It's still difficult, but
I'm getting it right and I'm in for the long haul,
you know, I used to have more of a I'm
going to get the heck out of here attitude. So
I think I'm more mature and I'm able to deal
(08:32):
with things and keep going, you know. But I I
have the easy going partner, which makes it very you know, helpful.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
But so yeah, ten years off and even having divorces,
you still believed in love and happily ever after.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I absolutely did. But you know, I can't express to
you how much I enjoyed being single for ten years.
I really loved not having anybody in my business. I
really loved being able to do what I wanted to
do when I wanted to do it, and just adulting
on my own. And my kids would have told you
(09:13):
that was their happiest years is when I was a
single mom and it was just us guys, and I
didn't bring guys around and put them in their lives.
And that influence is my work too, because I ask
in my book people who are dating post divorced to
keep the boyfriends and girlfriends away from their kids and
not move in with somebody and inflict this on their kids.
(09:36):
You know, to really be very mindful in putting your
kids first, because they don't want divorce. Usually this is
something we want and we inflict it on them.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
And it's interesting that you said that because I chose
to raise my kids and be my kids mom. I
didn't date after I got divorced, all through my kids
until my kids got much older out of you know,
in college was the first time they ever met somebody
that I dated. But that was my choice and I'm
very you know, I have no regrets because I didn't
want to bring somebody else into their lives. So that
(10:11):
was my story. We're going to be a quick break
for what we're going to do. You can ask me
that we're going to take a quick break for one
of our sponsors. We'll be right back with Becky Wetstone,
doctor Becky Wetstone. She has her book out today. It's
called I Think I Want Out What to do when
one of you wants to end your marriage. I'm going
to ask her about more about her ten years off
(10:32):
and what she learned from being alone right after this.
Facing a divorce can be overwhelming and stressful personally and financially.
If you seek simplicity, strategy, and direction in financial matters.
Financial advisor Jennifer Lee's straightforward approach cuts to the heart
of the issues, providing clear next steps. Jennifer is both
an advisor and an author. Her book, Squeeze the Juice,
(10:53):
Live with Purpose, Then Leave a Legacy offers essential principles
and tools to tackle transition with ease. It's the perfect
reader friendly guide for those who feel like an ostrich
when managing their finances. As an advocate for women, Jennifer
helps navigate the stress and challenges of divorce, the loss
of a spouse, and other significant life transitions. With her
(11:13):
team support and strategic guidance, women can achieve financial clarity
and perspective as they embark on a new journey. Schedule
a complimentary, no cost, no obligation Squeeze the Juice call,
Grab a copy of her book, or visit Modern Hyphenwealth
dot com. Today, it's hard to find peace of mind
when you're constantly worried about your kids' safety with a
co parent who drinks. You want to feel confident your
(11:34):
children are safe, but you're stuck wondering if your co
parent is sober during their time together. Soberlink provides a
court admissible and reliable way to prioritize your child's safety.
It's an alcohol monitoring system that allows your co parent
to prove their sobriety, giving you the peace of mind
you deserve. Here's how it works. Your co parent tests
at schedule times throughout the day. Facial recognition confirms it's
really them testing, tampered detection catches any attempt to cheat.
(11:57):
Instant results are sent directly to your phone. With sober Link,
you can focus on what matters most, being the best
parent you can be. Don't live with uncertainty this year.
Visit www dot soberlink dot com forwards last dds to
learn more and save fifty dollars off your device. We're back,
Doctor Becky Whetstone her book. I think I went out
what to do when one of you wants to end
(12:18):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
It's out today.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Go get it. You can get it anywhere. So you
wanted to ask me something. I think right before the break.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Well, you were talking about how you took your time
off after your divorce and didn't bring boyfriends into your
kids' lives and all that stuff. And I'm wondering if
that was intentional or you just weren't interested. You know,
it was it intentional that have them over. Really that's
great because you're a very rare person. Most of my clients,
(12:47):
you know, I can tell them this all day, but
they're still gonna dad gum go out there and bring
boyfriends and girlfriends around. I mean, people always say people
don't listen to me, people don't take my why I
must have heard people are going to do to.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
You even though I didn't listen. You know what it was,
I I didn't need anybody in my life. I mean,
I had my kids and I was busy. I was
very involved in their life, their sports, their school, everything else.
I had a million friends. I never felt alone. I
was just happy doing life with them, and this divorce
wasn't their fault, and I just thought I didn't want
(13:22):
to bring anybody was there's three of us, There's me
and my two kids. It was the three of us
against the world, the Big three, as we called ourselves,
and I didn't feel the need.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I think that's amazing and I love it, and I
wish more people would do that. I wish I had
I remarried five years after my marriage to my kids dad,
And that's my biggest regret, is that bringing that person
into their life, and it really sent our lives in
kind of a downward direction, and that was and that
(13:55):
that marriage and divorce was so painful for all of them.
We got so depressed that that's when I said this,
I've got to figure this out. I can't ever do
this again to them or to myself, you know. And
that it entered ten years.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
There were moments where I thought, oh wow, it would
be great to meet someone who had kids, my kid's agent,
and then we could have a big breeding. But that
comes with the whole school of problems. But sometimes it
doesn't and sometimes it works out. But for me, I
have no regrets. I don't look back. I only look forward.
So ten years off, what did you learn from being alone?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I learned that I am my best, my own best entertainment,
you know. I learned that this is not a sad thing.
It's a wonderful thing, you know, to have free will
to do whatever you want, you know. And I could
watch whatever TV shows I wanted. I could not cook dinner.
I could There's so many ways that I could talk
about how much I enjoyed it. You know, I'd spend
(14:55):
the whole weekend painting a room in my house. I didn't.
I just didn't have to be accountable to anyone or anything.
And I'd had controlling people in my marriages. So having
gone from the people that were keeping an eye on
me all the time and commenting on what I was
up to and to not have that at all was
(15:16):
a huge relief, you know. And I just think that,
you know, I was able to, you know, focus on
my children and let's go do something that we want
to do. And you know, it's like the men I
had had in the house previously had brought a negative
vibe to the household, you know, so now there was
(15:37):
no negative vibe. It's sort of like it's like we
were free, like we'd been jailers, and so we just
we just appreciated the perspective of having had the negative
vibe to now the positive vibe. It just was a
beautiful thing. But learning to be alone and really enjoying
it as a positive thing is a crucial piece to this.
(16:03):
And a lot of my clients just just aren't good
at being alone. And so that's something I'm telling people
in my book too, is you have to learn to
have to date yourself. You have to learn to enjoy
your own company, to entertain yourself and to delight yourself
and I think I after that, and you know, and
(16:25):
if I was alone again, if something happened to my
husband and I was alone again, I know I'd be okay.
I know I'd probably enjoy it. So, you know, that's
a crucial piece, is enjoying being alone.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I have always said there's something to If you're happy
with yourself, then you can be happy with somebody else.
And if you don't know how to be alone with yourself, I've.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Gotten for everybody. We ourselves are responsible for our happiness, right,
It's no one else's fault. So look within yourselfself, you know,
and ask yourself, what am I going to do to
be happy? Not happy? What do I need to do
about it? Even if you're married, you know, look at
yourself instead of pointing the finger at other people and
(17:09):
making excuses. So that's a huge part of it, is
is I realized what I was responsible for it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
You became a sexy relations relationship columnist before sexist City
was ever a thing, too, So I'm wanted to throw
that in there. So I didn't so I until I
was reading about you, I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, yeah, so I wrote, I always wanted to be
like an Anne Landers or a doctor Joyce Brothers ever
since I was a teenager. You know, I used to
devour advice columns when I was a kid and all
that stuff. So I decided, and I loved Irma bamback
who was a huge back then, and so I wanted
to have a pretty robust sense of humor. So I
(17:49):
wanted to combine the humor and the relationships. And so
I got a job at the San Antonio News. There
was a features writer after my divorce from my kid's dad,
and I told the editor I want to write a
Anne Landers column. Well, he would not let me do
a question and answer thing. He said, no, you've got
(18:11):
to write stories, you know. So he's so I wrote
in some sample columns about my life as a single
mom and you know, dating and how horrible it was,
and interviewing people in town that they were prominent and
going through divorces and and and just talking about the
subject in general. And so I wrote this, wrote the
(18:32):
column and it was a huge hit, a huge hit.
It was. It was kind of a cult phenomenon, you know,
And you know that the elite San Antonio people were like,
why don't you get this trash out of our newspaper.
But that coverage Joe loved it. They loved it, and
you know, and I self revealed and and you know,
(18:55):
and then I started having parties for singles in Santa
and I would say, like jerk, losers, flakes not allowed.
You know, we were going to have only people that
were kind and had integrity through the doors. And these
we'd have six hundred people show up. There'd be like
bus loads of women and men coming coming into these parties.
(19:18):
They were all desperate to meet healthy people, you know,
and to to you know, have that goal in mind.
So you know, that was there was a real need
for that. But then, you know, after like three or
four years of doing that and it was still super popular,
I got remarriedried to my kid's stepdad, and the paper
(19:41):
would not let me continue writing the column, and they
took it away from me. Oh what a shame.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And I told him I got lasted.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
It was fun while I told him there's a lot
to be still talked about here, you know, blending families.
He had a a grown son, you know, and I said,
there's so much more to say, and they're like, nope, Andy,
they dropped it. So I left the newspaper. And that's
when I went to grad school because I wanted to
(20:13):
still be in the media and write about this. But
all the media places says, you don't have any credentials.
You're just a person that writes about relationships. We need
a therapist who writes about relationships. So I said, bye, golly,
I'm going to do that.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So that's why that's how you became a marriage and
family therapist wife coach, specializing once again in a marriage crisis,
and you developed managed separation. So what was Was there
a common theme that that ended your marriages or was it?
Was it different for each of them.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I would say it was different for each of them,
you know, like I always say that with the first one,
I married somebody for all the wrong reasons that I
didn't and I didn't love him, and you know, standing
up at the altar, like even walking down the aisle
is going get me out of here and get me
out here. So my sister in law at the time
told me, well, why don't you stay married to him
(21:11):
for a year and then get a divorced. That's a
decent and respectable amount of time. And so so that's
that one, you know, and then the second one was
really the one that had the potential to be a
great love was my kid's dad, and and you know,
he was one of those guys that, you know, wooed
me and seduced me and was so loving and and
(21:35):
I just thought, I'm the luckiest woman in the world.
And then we got married. In about six months into
our marriage, he just stopped that and started neglecting me.
Wasn't interested in connection anymore. It was like a completely
different person, you know. So he went cold on me,
and so I'm sitting there going, you know, freaking out, going,
you know, what the hell happened? And so these are
(21:57):
all things though, that have sent me on recent search
trails since then to understand this kind of personality, because
I do see it when I'm working with couples now,
the person who was very loving and seductive and then
all of a sudden they freeze up and slam the
window shut and then they don't come back out. And so,
you know, I'm married what I believe were like super ambitious,
(22:22):
successful men whose total focus was on their careers to
the point of neglect of their family. So I think
you know that theme right there is I was very
enticed by the ambitious man, the prominent man, the man
who makes things happen, you know what I mean. But
there's a high percentage of those kind of men that
(22:45):
they're not going to be relational. They're all about themselves
and their career and their purpose, and they're just not
going to be able to be balanced with the family life.
So I think that was the theme is I'm married
two at the number two and number three were very
ambitious men, totally focused on their career and becoming a
(23:06):
prominent person. So then I got.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Left after you took your ten years off, what was
the was do you remember the moment that you said,
oh I'm going to start dating again or did it
just happen or how did you start? Because I think
that's the hard thing for most people is to know
where to go, what to do, and how to do it.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Well. The thing is is I think I'm kind of
a homebody, you know, But of course I knew that
if I was going to and being a therapist, you're
not going to meet somebody. You know, you're in a
room with your client. You can't date your clients.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Right, Well, I told only in the movies exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Well, I told myself, you know that that I needed
to be out there, and so I made myself attend things,
join things, go to events, and be involved in things
that normally wouldn't be that might have to kind of
mate was looking for. So I was always interested with
My eyes were always open to finding someone. But I'll
(24:06):
tell you what, I had no tolerance for any bologne.
Like if I went out with a person and they
showed me a red flag, you know at any time,
I cut the line right then and there. I was
not going to waste my precious free time just filling
a slot so I wouldn't be alone. That's part of
why it's so important to enjoy being alone, because you
(24:30):
don't suffer fools. Then it's just like, okay, I see
your red flag, get out of here next.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Right, What do you want my listeners to know from
your story from your from from marriage one, two three
and you're happy marriage?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
For I think that you know, if you if you've
got to work on yourself as an individual to get
solid yourself number one first and foremost. And that's that's
the gift I gave myself was you know, no matter
who I'm with, what I'm I can be happy. I
know what to do. I can get myself out of situations.
(25:05):
I'm never nothing is ever hopeless, you know, I hear
a lot of stories of women feeling trapped they can't
get out. I don't you know, don't I tell people
prepare yourself so that can never happen to you. If
you're in a dependent on a man, you've got to
have a plan B, you know, to support yourself. So
that's something to keep in mind and prepare yourself and
(25:30):
and then you know, when you're out in the dating world,
just don't ignore the red flags. Keep keep your head
on your shoulders. Don't allow yourself to get in that
insane head over heels drug trance where you can't make
rational decisions, you know, like try to keep keep your
love low, lower key so you can keep your head
(25:53):
on your shoulders and make wise decisions. So there's a
lot of ridiculous people out there, So you're going to
have to date a lot of.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
People, say, kiss a lot of frogs before you meet each.
Doctor Becky Whetstone. She is a marriage and family therapist
life coach specializes in marriage crisis counseling. Her book is
out today. I think I want out what to do
when one of you wants to end your marriage. She
was married, She's married three four times, divorce three times.
(26:23):
Her story is one to be listened to. You can
learn a lot from her. Thank you so much for
sharing that and excited for your book. Congratulations, Thanks going
to be a big hit.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
You're so welcome. Nito Kuda Divorce and Family Laws attorneys
have guided Connecticut and New York families through complex divorce actions,
contested child custody, and alimony disputes for over thirty years.
Their Connecticut and New York attorneys have extensive experience in
family matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and
(26:56):
many other X factors that can complicate a divorce. Their
attorneys adeptly manage privacy and reputation concerns inherit to public
divorce proceedings and the related exposure for their ultra high
net worth clients. Find your new path forward, define your
post divorce family, and secure an enforcable agreement to protect
your future with Needle Cuda Act Now put the strength
(27:20):
of their team behind you. Visit them at Needlecuda dot
com or call two O three five five seven nine
five zero zero
Hi, I'm Wendy, and this is Divorce Doesn't Suck. I'm
talking all about the life you can live after divorce.
You'll hear regular people's stories about their divorces and how
they reinvented themselves and grew. You'll also get invaluable advice
from experts who serve in the divorce community. A little
about me. I'm a former TV producer and mom of two.
I got divorced in two thousand and eight when there
were really no outlets or platforms for me to turn to.
(00:22):
So I'm paying it forward and have created a platform
to help men and women learn that there absolutely is
a fresh, new and exciting life after divorce. Come with
me on this journey and paint your brand new blank
canvas of happily ever after divorce. This episode is brought
to in part by the Nito Kuda Law Firm Guidance
that Moves Lives Forward. Welcome to another episode of Divorce
(00:43):
Doesn't Suck. I'm your host, Wendy Sloan, and my guest
today is a marriage and family therapist and life coach
specializing in marriage crisis counseling. We're going to find out
what that is inspired by her own marriage crisis. She's
been married four times. I'm going to say it, and
we're going to hear all about that, and you're going
to want to hear her stories. She's developed managed separation,
(01:07):
which we'll dive into. Also, she's a former journalist. She
has a book that's coming out today and it's called
I Think I Want Out. What to do when one
of you wants to end your marriage. I'm so thrilled
to welcome to my show, doctor Becky Whetstone.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Thanks Wendy. I'm so thrilled to be here. And it's
an exciting day for me. I've been literally waiting for
this day for decades. It's great the book is out today.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Well, congratulations, I love the title I Think I Want Out.
So tell us let's start before ever hear your personal story,
let's dive in and tell us all about the book,
what your mission is, what you want people to know,
and why you wrote the book.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Well, you know, it all goes back to my divorce
in nineteen ninety three ninety four when I went into
a marriage crisis and my husband and I went to
a marriage therapist and the marriage therapist said, since I
wasn't motivated, to work on the marriage that he couldn't
help us, and to come back if I got motivated.
(02:09):
So we went home and managed the crisis ourselves. It
was like two monkeys managing a marriage crisis. We made
a complete disaster of it. We ended up prematurely divorced.
I believe, I mean, he may have his opinion, but
I believe it also probably unnecessarily divorced. We had a
child aged six and three, and you know, and so
(02:33):
and then he got married again and had you know,
there was a step parent in the situation. So I've
had all these years to see how it's played out
since then. You know, it's helped me as an individual,
which is what your podcast is all about. I mean
it really I don't think I could have done everything
I have without leaving that marriage. So I think that
was a vital piece. But this lit a fire in
(02:58):
my belly because it just bug the heck out of
me that the marriage therapist sent us away and didn't
offer us any advice. Right, So I started researching it,
and eventually, after I finished working for a newspaper in
San Antonio, where I lived, I went to graduate school
(03:18):
and made the focus of my research marriage crisis, dying, marriages,
marriages on the brink, and the research I pulled up
literally was eye popping, and I was like, why don't
people have this information? Why don't people know what's going on?
Things could be so different if people knew this so
(03:41):
right then and there, Like when I wrote my dissertation
about it, and when I got out of grad school,
this book was already in my head that it had
to be out there. The information that was so helpful
needed to be readily available for people. So it's kind
of taken me twenty years not only to write it,
but to get a publisher interested in it. Because I
(04:04):
was told by many agents and many publishers that a
marriage about a book about marriage crisis, or you know,
how to separate, how to divorce amicably, all that kind
of stuff was too negative and if I couldn't save
the marriage in the end and tie it all up
in a bow at the end, that they weren't interested.
(04:27):
So I had a real problem finding someone interested in
putting the information out there.
Speaker 1 (04:33):
It's amazing. Well now it's not as taboo and people
talk about it. And I mean, I remember when I
first got divorced in my town. I didn't know anybody
except this one girl that was getting divorced. I'm like,
h you don't know me, but I think we have
something in comment reach out to her, because you're right, like,
we really didn't talk about this, and there wasn't podcasts,
(04:54):
there wasn't books, there wasn't people like you know, we
didn't talk about it period.
Speaker 2 (05:01):
No. And I didn't have an Internet to google around
and go to a marriage you know weekend where they
hit you over the head with a bat make you
come to your senses. You know. We were literally just
you know, stuck without information. And so again this information
was so opening to me, and then of course it
(05:22):
made me have regrets. Why didn't we do this, Why
didn't we do that? Blah blah blah. So you know,
that's what this book is all about. It it's kind
of a redemption book because of our mistakes. And you know,
my book is dedicated to my children who paid the
price for our stupid mistakes, you know, and and to
hopefully take something that was really sad and unnecessary and
(05:46):
turn it into something that helps other people.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Oh well, I think that's great. So let's start with
should I call you doctor Becky or doctor. Oh yeah,
when he done.
Speaker 2 (06:00):
Becky, I'm not into all that, you know, the title
stuff it. I mean, I got my PhD and I'm
proud of it, but I don't need to be called doctor.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
Bit Okay. So, so, Becky, you've helped hundreds of couples
through painful mazes of divorce and it sure is amazed
and I want to hear about your superpower and I
share your personal story. You've lived these experiences, so you're
very valuable to my audience. I mean, I always say,
you know, this show is about this is what happened
to me, this is how I got together side, and
(06:30):
this is how I'm living two point zero three point zero.
You're living four point oh, so let's let's learn about that.
Speaker 2 (06:37):
Oh yeah, oh yeah. Well, you know, compassion and wisdom
comes from suffering, right, so I'm loaded up in compassion
and wisdom from my marital experiences. Yeah. So the you know,
I had been married, let's say three times and divorced
by the time I was forty two or so. And
(07:00):
I always thought of myself as a good and decent person,
you know, like you know, Becky, or you mean, well,
you have integrity? What the heck is happening. You know,
you're crazy? How are you ending up divorced? And so
that again was part of my quest in graduate school
was to kind of figure that out. I had enough
since after the third divorce to tell myself, you know,
(07:23):
wait a minute, you need to do a post mortem.
You need to analyze this situation, see what you're doing,
what your part in it is, and learn from it.
And then, of course I've been taking that information and
helping people in my practice with what I've learned. But
I took ten years off. I did date in the
ten years, but I never had a boyfriend. For ten years.
(07:46):
I got to know myself. I dealt with my demons
that were taking me down the path to dysfunctional relationships.
I learned how to choose mates that were healthy. I
knew not I learned not to ignore red flags. And then,
you know, ten years later, I met a guy who
looked like he could do this with me, you know,
(08:08):
do this, you know four point zero as you call it,
and have my first healthy marriage where I get it right.
So that's what I'm doing now. It's still difficult, but
I'm getting it right and I'm in for the long haul,
you know, I used to have more of a I'm
going to get the heck out of here attitude. So
I think I'm more mature and I'm able to deal
(08:32):
with things and keep going, you know. But I I
have the easy going partner, which makes it very you know, helpful.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
But so yeah, ten years off and even having divorces,
you still believed in love and happily ever after.
Speaker 2 (08:50):
I absolutely did. But you know, I can't express to
you how much I enjoyed being single for ten years.
I really loved not having anybody in my business. I
really loved being able to do what I wanted to
do when I wanted to do it, and just adulting
on my own. And my kids would have told you
(09:13):
that was their happiest years is when I was a
single mom and it was just us guys, and I
didn't bring guys around and put them in their lives.
And that influence is my work too, because I ask
in my book people who are dating post divorced to
keep the boyfriends and girlfriends away from their kids and
not move in with somebody and inflict this on their kids.
(09:36):
You know, to really be very mindful in putting your
kids first, because they don't want divorce. Usually this is
something we want and we inflict it on them.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
And it's interesting that you said that because I chose
to raise my kids and be my kids mom. I
didn't date after I got divorced, all through my kids
until my kids got much older out of you know,
in college was the first time they ever met somebody
that I dated. But that was my choice and I'm
very you know, I have no regrets because I didn't
want to bring somebody else into their lives. So that
(10:11):
was my story. We're going to be a quick break
for what we're going to do. You can ask me
that we're going to take a quick break for one
of our sponsors. We'll be right back with Becky Wetstone,
doctor Becky Wetstone. She has her book out today. It's
called I Think I Want Out What to do when
one of you wants to end your marriage. I'm going
to ask her about more about her ten years off
(10:32):
and what she learned from being alone right after this.
Facing a divorce can be overwhelming and stressful personally and financially.
If you seek simplicity, strategy, and direction in financial matters.
Financial advisor Jennifer Lee's straightforward approach cuts to the heart
of the issues, providing clear next steps. Jennifer is both
an advisor and an author. Her book, Squeeze the Juice,
(10:53):
Live with Purpose, Then Leave a Legacy offers essential principles
and tools to tackle transition with ease. It's the perfect
reader friendly guide for those who feel like an ostrich
when managing their finances. As an advocate for women, Jennifer
helps navigate the stress and challenges of divorce, the loss
of a spouse, and other significant life transitions. With her
(11:13):
team support and strategic guidance, women can achieve financial clarity
and perspective as they embark on a new journey. Schedule
a complimentary, no cost, no obligation Squeeze the Juice call,
Grab a copy of her book, or visit Modern Hyphenwealth
dot com. Today, it's hard to find peace of mind
when you're constantly worried about your kids' safety with a
co parent who drinks. You want to feel confident your
(11:34):
children are safe, but you're stuck wondering if your co
parent is sober during their time together. Soberlink provides a
court admissible and reliable way to prioritize your child's safety.
It's an alcohol monitoring system that allows your co parent
to prove their sobriety, giving you the peace of mind
you deserve. Here's how it works. Your co parent tests
at schedule times throughout the day. Facial recognition confirms it's
really them testing, tampered detection catches any attempt to cheat.
(11:57):
Instant results are sent directly to your phone. With sober Link,
you can focus on what matters most, being the best
parent you can be. Don't live with uncertainty this year.
Visit www dot soberlink dot com forwards last dds to
learn more and save fifty dollars off your device. We're back,
Doctor Becky Whetstone her book. I think I went out
what to do when one of you wants to end
(12:18):
your marriage.
Speaker 2 (12:18):
It's out today.
Speaker 1 (12:19):
Go get it. You can get it anywhere. So you
wanted to ask me something. I think right before the break.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
Well, you were talking about how you took your time
off after your divorce and didn't bring boyfriends into your
kids' lives and all that stuff. And I'm wondering if
that was intentional or you just weren't interested. You know,
it was it intentional that have them over. Really that's
great because you're a very rare person. Most of my clients,
(12:47):
you know, I can tell them this all day, but
they're still gonna dad gum go out there and bring
boyfriends and girlfriends around. I mean, people always say people
don't listen to me, people don't take my why I
must have heard people are going to do to.
Speaker 1 (13:01):
You even though I didn't listen. You know what it was,
I I didn't need anybody in my life. I mean,
I had my kids and I was busy. I was
very involved in their life, their sports, their school, everything else.
I had a million friends. I never felt alone. I
was just happy doing life with them, and this divorce
wasn't their fault, and I just thought I didn't want
(13:22):
to bring anybody was there's three of us, There's me
and my two kids. It was the three of us
against the world, the Big three, as we called ourselves,
and I didn't feel the need.
Speaker 2 (13:34):
I think that's amazing and I love it, and I
wish more people would do that. I wish I had
I remarried five years after my marriage to my kids dad,
And that's my biggest regret, is that bringing that person
into their life, and it really sent our lives in
kind of a downward direction, and that was and that
(13:55):
that marriage and divorce was so painful for all of them.
We got so depressed that that's when I said this,
I've got to figure this out. I can't ever do
this again to them or to myself, you know. And
that it entered ten years.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
There were moments where I thought, oh wow, it would
be great to meet someone who had kids, my kid's agent,
and then we could have a big breeding. But that
comes with the whole school of problems. But sometimes it
doesn't and sometimes it works out. But for me, I
have no regrets. I don't look back. I only look forward.
So ten years off, what did you learn from being alone?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
I learned that I am my best, my own best entertainment,
you know. I learned that this is not a sad thing.
It's a wonderful thing, you know, to have free will
to do whatever you want, you know. And I could
watch whatever TV shows I wanted. I could not cook dinner.
I could There's so many ways that I could talk
about how much I enjoyed it. You know, I'd spend
(14:55):
the whole weekend painting a room in my house. I didn't.
I just didn't have to be accountable to anyone or anything.
And I'd had controlling people in my marriages. So having
gone from the people that were keeping an eye on
me all the time and commenting on what I was
up to and to not have that at all was
(15:16):
a huge relief, you know. And I just think that,
you know, I was able to, you know, focus on
my children and let's go do something that we want
to do. And you know, it's like the men I
had had in the house previously had brought a negative
vibe to the household, you know, so now there was
(15:37):
no negative vibe. It's sort of like it's like we
were free, like we'd been jailers, and so we just
we just appreciated the perspective of having had the negative
vibe to now the positive vibe. It just was a
beautiful thing. But learning to be alone and really enjoying
it as a positive thing is a crucial piece to this.
(16:03):
And a lot of my clients just just aren't good
at being alone. And so that's something I'm telling people
in my book too, is you have to learn to
have to date yourself. You have to learn to enjoy
your own company, to entertain yourself and to delight yourself
and I think I after that, and you know, and
(16:25):
if I was alone again, if something happened to my
husband and I was alone again, I know I'd be okay.
I know I'd probably enjoy it. So, you know, that's
a crucial piece, is enjoying being alone.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
I have always said there's something to If you're happy
with yourself, then you can be happy with somebody else.
And if you don't know how to be alone with yourself, I've.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
Gotten for everybody. We ourselves are responsible for our happiness, right,
It's no one else's fault. So look within yourselfself, you know,
and ask yourself, what am I going to do to
be happy? Not happy? What do I need to do
about it? Even if you're married, you know, look at
yourself instead of pointing the finger at other people and
(17:09):
making excuses. So that's a huge part of it, is
is I realized what I was responsible for it.
Speaker 1 (17:16):
You became a sexy relations relationship columnist before sexist City
was ever a thing, too, So I'm wanted to throw
that in there. So I didn't so I until I
was reading about you, I didn't know that.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Yeah, yeah, so I wrote, I always wanted to be
like an Anne Landers or a doctor Joyce Brothers ever
since I was a teenager. You know, I used to
devour advice columns when I was a kid and all
that stuff. So I decided, and I loved Irma bamback
who was a huge back then, and so I wanted
to have a pretty robust sense of humor. So I
(17:49):
wanted to combine the humor and the relationships. And so
I got a job at the San Antonio News. There
was a features writer after my divorce from my kid's dad,
and I told the editor I want to write a
Anne Landers column. Well, he would not let me do
a question and answer thing. He said, no, you've got
(18:11):
to write stories, you know. So he's so I wrote
in some sample columns about my life as a single
mom and you know, dating and how horrible it was,
and interviewing people in town that they were prominent and
going through divorces and and and just talking about the
subject in general. And so I wrote this, wrote the
(18:32):
column and it was a huge hit, a huge hit.
It was. It was kind of a cult phenomenon, you know,
And you know that the elite San Antonio people were like,
why don't you get this trash out of our newspaper.
But that coverage Joe loved it. They loved it, and
you know, and I self revealed and and you know,
(18:55):
and then I started having parties for singles in Santa
and I would say, like jerk, losers, flakes not allowed.
You know, we were going to have only people that
were kind and had integrity through the doors. And these
we'd have six hundred people show up. There'd be like
bus loads of women and men coming coming into these parties.
(19:18):
They were all desperate to meet healthy people, you know,
and to to you know, have that goal in mind.
So you know, that was there was a real need
for that. But then, you know, after like three or
four years of doing that and it was still super popular,
I got remarriedried to my kid's stepdad, and the paper
(19:41):
would not let me continue writing the column, and they
took it away from me. Oh what a shame.
Speaker 1 (19:48):
And I told him I got lasted.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
It was fun while I told him there's a lot
to be still talked about here, you know, blending families.
He had a a grown son, you know, and I said,
there's so much more to say, and they're like, nope, Andy,
they dropped it. So I left the newspaper. And that's
when I went to grad school because I wanted to
(20:13):
still be in the media and write about this. But
all the media places says, you don't have any credentials.
You're just a person that writes about relationships. We need
a therapist who writes about relationships. So I said, bye, golly,
I'm going to do that.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
So that's why that's how you became a marriage and
family therapist wife coach, specializing once again in a marriage crisis,
and you developed managed separation. So what was Was there
a common theme that that ended your marriages or was it?
Was it different for each of them.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
I would say it was different for each of them,
you know, like I always say that with the first one,
I married somebody for all the wrong reasons that I
didn't and I didn't love him, and you know, standing
up at the altar, like even walking down the aisle
is going get me out of here and get me
out here. So my sister in law at the time
told me, well, why don't you stay married to him
(21:11):
for a year and then get a divorced. That's a
decent and respectable amount of time. And so so that's
that one, you know, and then the second one was
really the one that had the potential to be a
great love was my kid's dad, and and you know,
he was one of those guys that, you know, wooed
me and seduced me and was so loving and and
(21:35):
I just thought, I'm the luckiest woman in the world.
And then we got married. In about six months into
our marriage, he just stopped that and started neglecting me.
Wasn't interested in connection anymore. It was like a completely
different person, you know. So he went cold on me,
and so I'm sitting there going, you know, freaking out, going,
you know, what the hell happened? And so these are
(21:57):
all things though, that have sent me on recent search
trails since then to understand this kind of personality, because
I do see it when I'm working with couples now,
the person who was very loving and seductive and then
all of a sudden they freeze up and slam the
window shut and then they don't come back out. And so,
you know, I'm married what I believe were like super ambitious,
(22:22):
successful men whose total focus was on their careers to
the point of neglect of their family. So I think
you know that theme right there is I was very
enticed by the ambitious man, the prominent man, the man
who makes things happen, you know what I mean. But
there's a high percentage of those kind of men that
(22:45):
they're not going to be relational. They're all about themselves
and their career and their purpose, and they're just not
going to be able to be balanced with the family life.
So I think that was the theme is I'm married
two at the number two and number three were very
ambitious men, totally focused on their career and becoming a
(23:06):
prominent person. So then I got.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Left after you took your ten years off, what was
the was do you remember the moment that you said,
oh I'm going to start dating again or did it
just happen or how did you start? Because I think
that's the hard thing for most people is to know
where to go, what to do, and how to do it.
Speaker 2 (23:27):
Well. The thing is is I think I'm kind of
a homebody, you know, But of course I knew that
if I was going to and being a therapist, you're
not going to meet somebody. You know, you're in a
room with your client. You can't date your clients.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Right, Well, I told only in the movies exactly.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
Well, I told myself, you know that that I needed
to be out there, and so I made myself attend things,
join things, go to events, and be involved in things
that normally wouldn't be that might have to kind of
mate was looking for. So I was always interested with
My eyes were always open to finding someone. But I'll
(24:06):
tell you what, I had no tolerance for any bologne.
Like if I went out with a person and they
showed me a red flag, you know at any time,
I cut the line right then and there. I was
not going to waste my precious free time just filling
a slot so I wouldn't be alone. That's part of
why it's so important to enjoy being alone, because you
(24:30):
don't suffer fools. Then it's just like, okay, I see
your red flag, get out of here next.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
Right, What do you want my listeners to know from
your story from your from from marriage one, two three
and you're happy marriage?
Speaker 2 (24:44):
For I think that you know, if you if you've
got to work on yourself as an individual to get
solid yourself number one first and foremost. And that's that's
the gift I gave myself was you know, no matter
who I'm with, what I'm I can be happy. I
know what to do. I can get myself out of situations.
(25:05):
I'm never nothing is ever hopeless, you know, I hear
a lot of stories of women feeling trapped they can't
get out. I don't you know, don't I tell people
prepare yourself so that can never happen to you. If
you're in a dependent on a man, you've got to
have a plan B, you know, to support yourself. So
that's something to keep in mind and prepare yourself and
(25:30):
and then you know, when you're out in the dating world,
just don't ignore the red flags. Keep keep your head
on your shoulders. Don't allow yourself to get in that
insane head over heels drug trance where you can't make
rational decisions, you know, like try to keep keep your
love low, lower key so you can keep your head
(25:53):
on your shoulders and make wise decisions. So there's a
lot of ridiculous people out there, So you're going to
have to date a lot of.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
People, say, kiss a lot of frogs before you meet each.
Doctor Becky Whetstone. She is a marriage and family therapist
life coach specializes in marriage crisis counseling. Her book is
out today. I think I want out what to do
when one of you wants to end your marriage. She
was married, She's married three four times, divorce three times.
(26:23):
Her story is one to be listened to. You can
learn a lot from her. Thank you so much for
sharing that and excited for your book. Congratulations, Thanks going
to be a big hit.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I appreciate it. Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (26:36):
You're so welcome. Nito Kuda Divorce and Family Laws attorneys
have guided Connecticut and New York families through complex divorce actions,
contested child custody, and alimony disputes for over thirty years.
Their Connecticut and New York attorneys have extensive experience in
family matters involving substance abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, and
(26:56):
many other X factors that can complicate a divorce. Their
attorneys adeptly manage privacy and reputation concerns inherit to public
divorce proceedings and the related exposure for their ultra high
net worth clients. Find your new path forward, define your
post divorce family, and secure an enforcable agreement to protect
your future with Needle Cuda Act Now put the strength
(27:20):
of their team behind you. Visit them at Needlecuda dot
com or call two O three five five seven nine
five zero zero
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!