May 24, 2023 • 23 mins
In our last episode we talked about grumpy monkeys and how it’s OK to be grumpy, to sit in those feelings. In this episode, we talk about the impact of this on those around the grumpy monkey and share some advice on how to avoid getting hit in the kisser by bananas!
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(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't
(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families
(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Hey baby, so I think this
is, uh, the first timethat we're gonna start off an episode with
(01:11):
a viewer comment. Ah. Yeah, you know, we had a first
time long time join a good reference, joined join our comment section where she
actually regularly heads out. She does. She's not she's not a new commenter.
She's a fangirl. Yeah, butI mean, hey, I mean
(01:33):
she has our personal phone number.Now, yes, she texted us today,
she did. But she she raiseda really interesting point that I think
carries on the heels of our lastepisode about you know, grumpy monkey and
that it's okay to sometimes be agrumpy monkey, you know, and that
um, you just need to findsomebody to join you up on that branch
(01:57):
and you know, let you kindof have those motions and feelings and you
know, with the understanding that itwill it'll go away and everything will be
okay. Does too shell pass exactly? And she raised the question of you
know, what happens if your grumpymonkey is living with an EmPATH? Yes,
(02:19):
someone who feels everybody's emotions and maybeinternalizes those or you know, thinks
that maybe they're the cause or concern, worried that they are the concern.
I guess Yeah, okay's this questionbecause I feel like we talked about perspective
in another episode and just how differentyou can come You can come from two
(02:39):
from one idea in two different ways, right, right, And so it
was very interesting to me that thequestion was about because here we're saying,
yes, it's okay to be grumpysometimes sit out on the branch and you
know it'll pass and you can justhang out together. And I just loved
her perspective of, well, whatif that's hard for me, you know,
if somebody else is is feeling thatway, and why should they like
(03:02):
what they would share their grumpiness withme? Right? And I think that's
a little bit of I think she'sprojecting a little bit there in her own
personal situation. Yeah, but agreat question, right, absolutely so.
And I think I think, youknow, kind of what we're talking about
the last episode is this you know, consideration, right, And I kind
(03:24):
of think about it in terms ofthat, you know, with being considerate
or trying to be you have tohave some self awareness, yes, in
order to be considerate of others.Well, I think from a perspective of
the science, you have to haveyour right perspective, insight but you also
(03:45):
have to have an awareness of anotherperson. It's called theory of mind,
right, this idea that other people, I don't know what you're thinking.
Where you're going from limon? Youknow, I you have to understand that
you have thoughts and feelings, butthen you also have to understand that somebody
else has thoughts and feelings and theymay differ from your own. That would
be the next step, right right, Yeah, And I think consideration requires
(04:09):
a lot of theory in mind requiresanother set to say, not only do
I understand that somebody has thoughts andfeelings that are different than mine, but
I care about that too. Iwant to make sure that I'm thinking about
their feelings. Yeah. I justdon't think that you can be considerate without
being self aware. Can you beconsiderate without being self aware? You're probably
(04:30):
right because I think that. AndI don't mean like consider it in a
transactional way people that you run intoin the store, like holding a door
or right, I'm talking about considerthe people that you have relationships with.
Well, I think in the sensethat you need to recognize that your feelings
could be different from there, soyou know, to be considerate. It's
not just about doing the things thatwould make you happy, right, it
(04:51):
would be about doing things that wouldmake them happy. So yeah, so
I think and kind of golong tothe the topic that we're talking about is,
you know what happens when you knowyou're you're in a relationship with a
grumpy monkey and you're the person thatfeels all of those things, feels all
of their emotions, right, andyou know, it's one thing to say,
(05:14):
oh, well, you know,just let the grumpy monkey be,
and the what if that grumpy monkeyisn't internalizing their their emotions, their grumpiness
and um, it's being exposed tothe people around them projected outward. Yeah,
like they're slinging their bananas. Youknow, monkey reference. I got
it, okay, it was goingto sling study evolutionary psychology, So I
(05:39):
get every one know that I censoredmyself with the slinging um because you know,
monkeys are known slinging. Good thing, Bob Segue, Yeah, I
hear you so well. Interest weI was thinking a lot about this after
(06:00):
we got that comment from our fan, and I really I think what we
are talking about, being grumpy isan internal state, you know, grumpy
that kind of grumpiness is I justsuthings up like I'm just in a bad
mood, don't really know why,or maybe I do, manus a lot
of contributing to it, but it'sjust this mood. And I think what
she's referring to about feeling all theemotions is when somebody doesn't have the insight
(06:27):
of recognizing their grumpy and communicating that, hey, I'm just kind of not
doing well today or whatever, andinstead has no insight on their emotions to
the point where they're acting from theiramygdala, from their amyg instead of from
their fannie. So here, youknow, these are the people that are
running around the house with big nonverbalhues, slamming things down, as you
said, slinging bananas and and youknow, you say, you know,
(06:49):
are you okay? Yeah, I'mfine? Why? And then there's immediately
a picking of fight, right,because we want to get rid of emotion
a lot, especially in negative emotion. And so if you don't do the
work to become insightful about how you'refeeling and understand that, hey, I'm
acting really snippy today. Something mustbe bugging me. Let me go inside
and figure that out. So I'mnot externalizing that to everybody, there's a
(07:13):
problem, and I think that that'swhat it is. I think an EmPATH
is great. I think there's alsoa component of if you're that empathic,
you have to start to learn howto put a boundary down between your emotion
and somebody else's. You know,we always talk at our family about being
witches or about really like kind ofpicking up on lots of things, lots
of emotion that we don't really knowwhy. You know, I can walk
into a room and know that something'shappening without anybody telling me, and I
(07:38):
learned over lots and lots of yearsthat that wasn't directed at me. You
know. I used to walk intoa room and they go, I must
something, I must have done something, someone must be mad at me.
And now I walk in room andthey go, something happen here, you
know, and I can start topiece out this isn't about me, this
is about somebody else's feelings. AndI think if you were living with a
grumpy monkey's important they start to figurethat. I know, yeah, And
(08:01):
you know, as frequent rumpy monkey. As I've gotten older, I've realized
that it is much more beneficial tobe able to say I am in a
bad mood, like walking in thedoor I've walked into or here A plenty
of times I've just been like,Hi, I'm in a bad mood.
Actually, you say hi, andI say I'm in a bad mood,
right, And we'll sometimes we'll talkit out, and then other times it'll
(08:24):
just be I just need Yeah,we'll be all right, I'm gonna go
get ready, I'll be I'll seein a minute. Yeah. And I
like what you what you're kind ofbringing us to, which is this idea
Once you gain that insight, beingable to say what kind of what you
need? Right? Yeah? AndI you know, it's it's very helpful
for the people around you, youknow, and to hear your acknowledgement of
(08:52):
your mood and to clarify that itmakes you know, may not what it's
what the reason is. It's notbecause you're here in my space. It's
not because I'm in your space,or I feel like I have to be
here, I don't want to behere, or you know, or it's
these annoying kids that are piling outof my car that I brought with me
(09:13):
and they're annoying, like cold,just like stating it, acknowledging it,
recognizing it, stating it. Andeven if it's something you don't know the
exact reason, if you can eliminatethe possibilities, that will help the people
around you to be like, Okay, it's not me, Well it's probably
her, but I mean you knowthat you can they can identify. Okay,
(09:37):
I'm not the cause, Like we'regood. I don't have to walk
on eggshells. I just can,you know, let them be or if
they are interested, then we cantry to work on figuring it out together.
Well. And I think that comeswith we talked last week about me
not being scared of the grunt beingmood, and I think that is because
there is this dynamic of you know, you having inside it into something's up.
(10:01):
I don't even if you don't knowwhat it is, it isn't you.
I'm just not in a good spaceright now. And it's like,
Okay, we've been through that,we know this, we know the drill,
right, we know, we knowthat happens. We know Okay,
We're just going to kind of movearound. You know, I'm here if
you want to talk. You know, we don't have to all the time,
depending on what's happening in our world. We can even move through what
we need to do and deal withit later. And I you know,
(10:22):
I think also, you know,the acknowledgement of it and the speaking of
it out loud, honestly, Ican speak from experience, It eliminates the
um a little bit of the shame, yeah, that you feel for being
in a bad spot, you know, like and if you can talk about
(10:43):
it. And I can't tell youhow many times we've been in the group
setting with our good friends, youknow, who have experience with their own
grumpy monkey, especially if he doesn'tneed it, doesn't have as bananas bananas
have if Steve his bananas, I'msorry that. Yeah, no one knew.
(11:05):
But you know, like we've beenin times where you know, I'm
annoyed with some external you know,outside factor and or you are or we
are to collectively and we're getting readyto go with them, and uh,
the acknowledgement of it, the acceptanceof it and the awareness that it's not
them that are making me upset oryou know, or or us, it
(11:30):
gives you the freedom to let itgo if you feel through it. Yeah,
because you're bringing up to Frannie,right you're becoming more aware of it
to process it. And and forthe you know, for the group that
will that will very likely include acouple of jokes at you know, the
monkey's expense. And the way we'reable to do that is because you've acknowledged
(11:52):
it. You know, they knowit's not them. So we're all on
good standing here. You know.They don't feel responsible for changing your mood
either, right, They're like,okay, cool, you're totally fine.
Come on in, come on inbad mood, and no big deal.
It doesn't require them to fix you, doesn't require everyone to come and be
like, Okay, what do weneed to do here to get you in
a bad You're not asking, You'rejust like, hey, I'm here and
(12:13):
I'm kind of grumpy and I willget back on track when I can.
Ye well, And just like thedynamic in that group, it's like,
okay, so we've all been there, right, we've all been in that,
We've all been the grumpy monkey atone time or another, and it's
okay, and hey, we're herewhen you're ready, yeah, you know,
and if you want to sit inhere for a few minutes, we'll
(12:35):
be out on the porch having acouple of cocktails. Yeah, and you
can. We would love for youto join the stands floor or where.
Yeah. Yeah, and I thinkthat, and they may eventually just drag
you out and you know, likethe company that you want to keep with
them, the person you want tobe rises to the top and you get
rid of it, or you atleast can put it aside enough to join
(12:56):
join your crew. Well, Ilove what you just said about putting it
aside, because sometimes that monkey hangsfor a little while and we're not saying,
you know, go all of asudden feel better. We're saying,
yeah, it's okay to hang itin. It's okay to go and then
have a good time, but thengo home and still feel it a little
bit, and then you know,you kind of learn over time that it
does pass. But back to thecomment about being an EmPATH, I think
that that's the line there that youhave to put is like, hey,
(13:18):
I don't need to fix this.I'm not responsible. It's okay that he's
grumpy. I don't need to gotry to fix this, And that that's
where that line is, you know, knowing that having that when you're when
you have the grumpy monkey having thatinternal insight into this is just grumpy,
then that tells you what it isand frees you up to be able to
You're not requiring anybody else to haveany kind of time other than what they
(13:41):
are. There's no pressure. Ithink the mpath in the way that she's
referring to it, you know,likes to fix wants it all to be
better, and so on her sideshe can learn to, you know,
recognize that this is an estate abouther, this is something else going on
with them, and and that's okay. And you're not required to follow the
(14:01):
grumpy you're not required to listen toit. You can just kind of allow
it to be. And is thatfeeling? Do you think that that need
to fix it? That's that's likean internal satisfaction, that's like a like
I am uncomfortable, so I needto solve this, yeah, so that
I feel comfortable again. Yeah.I think it's a little that I think
maybe it's not necessarily just the EmPATHLike I said, I'm very empathic.
(14:22):
I can feel those things. Butit's the fixer part too. It needing
to fix it. That's the line. Sometimes what we're saying is it doesn't
necessarily need to be fixed. It'sjust a thing, right. But on
the other hand, if you're not, if you're not insightful about it,
and you do emote all over everybodyelse, you know, then that's not
fair either. So I think it'sthis balance. If you're in a relationship
(14:45):
with a grumpy monkey, that theygrumpy is an internal state. You have
to gain insight into that. Ifyou are running around with your nonverbal behaviors
and you know, emoting all overeverybody else, you know, and then
pretending like you don't feel something,then that's not gain insight. That's the
part you can do. And ifyou're this EmPATH and you need to trying
(15:05):
to figure out where that line is. Something else happened, This wasn't about
you, and there's something going on. You just got to wait it out
sometimes, you know. I thinkthis goes speaks back to you know,
why it's so important to teach ourkids these mental health foundations. You know,
I was in a preschool the otherday and this struck me so strongly.
I cannot get rid of this thoughtin my head. And they said,
(15:26):
you know, we don't hit,we use our words. It's such
a standard line we give to Toddler'sright. In preschool, we don't hit,
we use our words. And Ijust kept thinking, I just came
from a high school or middle school, and we could use that same thing
for them. We don't hit,we use our words. So why are
we still saying it? Why isit still happening? And I think the
piece that we've been missing is whydid you hit? You know, you
(15:48):
hit because you weren't toddler. Youhit because you're angry and you didn't want
to share your toy. So justsaying use your words doesn't connect the feeling
that you have. This behavior happensbecause you were feeling something, right,
So you were angry. I hear, you're right here, You're it's okay
to be angry. You know,it's not okay to hit our friends,
but it's okay to be angry.So you were angry and you hit.
(16:10):
You can be angry and then youcan do these things that that kind of
get rid of it. You cansay I don't want to share, I
don't like sharing my toys, ifyou know what it is. But if
you're just angry, maybe you needto calm down first, figure out what
bothered you. You didn't like toshare and then do this. And I
think at the middle school age,that's where the gap is. It's not
just we you can't hit, weuse our words. It's you hit because
(16:34):
you know that chick stole your boyfriendand you're not very happy about it.
Right, it's really hard to makeyou know. Middle schoolers don't hurt anybody
with their words. Right, Insteadof hitting her, tell her what a
bit, Tell her and everything willbe fine because nobody gets in trouble for
the words that they use in middleschool. Yes, this is the like
a metaphor one of those things youuh, But you know what I'm saying's
(16:57):
no connection between behavior. You're anemotion and we do too. We behave.
Like I noticed times I snap atthe kids more or something, and
then I realized, why am Isnapping at them at times that you know
I would normally be fine. Well, it's because I'm doing something else is
bugging me and it's bleeding into years. So once I see that behavior,
(17:18):
I can catch it and say,okay, hold on, I'm sorry,
guys, Like I think I'm I'vegot a lot going on about I'm trying
to work something out in my head, and you know, I snapped at
you because you interrupted my thoughts,but you had no idea I was thinking
about these. Yeah. I willoccasionally, a very very rarely, have
an issue with one of my childrenwho comes home maybe later than they were
supposed to, and I find myselfbeing stern or less flexible with the other
(17:45):
child who has no idea why allof a sudden they're getting lectured about,
you know, whatever you chose lecturedat that moment. And they're old enough
now that I can see it intheir expressions and their body language, and
I it's helpful to me because Itry not to do it, but I
(18:06):
will. Okay, it still happens, and I will try to fix it.
And sometimes, you know, now, as with a middle schooler in
my house, if she's not theA person in this scenario and she's the
B one unintended, she will belike, why are you yelling at B?
(18:26):
And I'm like, all right,first of all, I wasn't yelling.
I can This is my favorite line. I'll show you what my father
used to say that yeah, exactly, because it's just a dumb thing to
say when somebody's actually not yelling.Yeah, because you had no idea what
you meant, what do you thinkI got that line from parents? You
(18:49):
know? Like, so anyway,she is much more apt to call me
out on it, right because she'sthe minieu. Some have said she's he's
a passionate for some rumors going aroundthat is like me, yes, and
my son will be like and justkind of like shrug his shoulders and just
(19:11):
do whatever. I think this isabout me, I'm gonna like internalize it,
and you know, most often thenour next interaction is me being like,
I'm sorry, yeah, I'm justan at your sister or blah blah
blah or well. And the morethat happens, the more you recognize than
you can say it sooner. Likewe've talked before about how Carter is a
(19:32):
little concrete when it comes to someof those things, and I find myself
having to explain that kind of thingto him, and when I do it,
he's now started to say, letme guess you and Jewels how to
fight. You're like, you're yellingat jewels and that's why you're upset?
Yes, oh okay. And thenwhat's interesting is he's so able to take
me maybe getting on him a littlebit more. I need you to move
(19:53):
and stuff. Now, you knowin a way that I would have been
like, Carter, can you please? And he's like you and Jewels are
fighting, okay, and then he'lljust pick the stuff up and move it.
And but that's the relationship quality,right, You're not always perfect,
and you're going to take that wayfor them to do the thing that you
want them to do. Right,this is a whole other other like,
oh my god, why does ittake me flipping my ever loving shit for
(20:18):
them to do something? I actuallydon't think it takes that. I think
it takes a flip in the differentresponse. So if you get real quiet
and you were like I'm just disappointedand I would like you to please move
your things, they will get soI guarantee you they'll get so nervous that
they won't know what to do withthemselves. You'll have a clean house and
no time. I know, Idon't know if I have the ability to
(20:40):
do that. Well, that's theparenting. The Tippin trick I would give
is to go the opposite whatever youdo normally, you go the opposite.
You just take a different trick andyou put it in there and they don't
know what to do. With themselves. It's it's whatever consistently you have,
don't tell you that's like a whole. That's a culture shock, like wholesale.
(21:02):
That's like being a whole, Adifferent person I know, I know
well, and I mean it's aperson I've always wanted to be. This
non emoti man. No, you'remy ammo. I can't well good because
I can't actually not feeling, Iknow. But back to I think emoting
is one thing. Emoting all oversomeone like just that's messy. That's it's
very messy, and it is nota good thing. To stop looking.
(21:29):
It's a good thing. This isan audio. Let's just say that right
now. But that's, you know, when you aren't in control or at
least attempting to understand your own emotions. I think that's when it gets in
trouble, being grumpy and just beingable to be there and being an EmPATH
in a relationship with that. There'sthat's a two way street too. You
have to be able to say thisisn't about me, and I don't need
to fix it, and I needto allow it to go. But if
(21:51):
you are the grumpy one and yougo from grumpy that internal state to externally
being an asshole. Let's just sayit, right, then, that's being
an ass one. You need topull that back a little bit too.
I mean, it's really it's tome, it's just very two very different
things. One's external, one's internal. And and then you need to work
towards what you're saying, using thatinsight that you're trying to gain to communicate
(22:11):
it so that you know your partner, knowing your partner's strength and weakness,
of understanding those thoughts and feelings thatyou can support that. I think it's
both ways, right, I agree. Okay, here's two ropping monkeys now
becoming assholes being I don't know,I don't know how to wrap that up.
Here's two ruppy monkeys not slinging theirbananas always. Well, thanks for
(22:40):
joining us for this episode of What'sHappening here? Don't forget to subscribe to
our YouTube page or you can followme on Instagram at doctor Sarah l Allen
and Kim shows up a lot theretoo. Be sure to tell a friend
what you liked about this episode andshare it with them. After all,
we're all in this together, justtrying to figure out what's happening here.
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't
(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families
(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Hey baby, so I think this
is, uh, the first timethat we're gonna start off an episode with
(01:11):
a viewer comment. Ah. Yeah, you know, we had a first
time long time join a good reference, joined join our comment section where she
actually regularly heads out. She does. She's not she's not a new commenter.
She's a fangirl. Yeah, butI mean, hey, I mean
(01:33):
she has our personal phone number.Now, yes, she texted us today,
she did. But she she raiseda really interesting point that I think
carries on the heels of our lastepisode about you know, grumpy monkey and
that it's okay to sometimes be agrumpy monkey, you know, and that
um, you just need to findsomebody to join you up on that branch
(01:57):
and you know, let you kindof have those motions and feelings and you
know, with the understanding that itwill it'll go away and everything will be
okay. Does too shell pass exactly? And she raised the question of you
know, what happens if your grumpymonkey is living with an EmPATH? Yes,
(02:19):
someone who feels everybody's emotions and maybeinternalizes those or you know, thinks
that maybe they're the cause or concern, worried that they are the concern.
I guess Yeah, okay's this questionbecause I feel like we talked about perspective
in another episode and just how differentyou can come You can come from two
(02:39):
from one idea in two different ways, right, right, And so it
was very interesting to me that thequestion was about because here we're saying,
yes, it's okay to be grumpysometimes sit out on the branch and you
know it'll pass and you can justhang out together. And I just loved
her perspective of, well, whatif that's hard for me, you know,
if somebody else is is feeling thatway, and why should they like
(03:02):
what they would share their grumpiness withme? Right? And I think that's
a little bit of I think she'sprojecting a little bit there in her own
personal situation. Yeah, but agreat question, right, absolutely so.
And I think I think, youknow, kind of what we're talking about
the last episode is this you know, consideration, right, And I kind
(03:24):
of think about it in terms ofthat, you know, with being considerate
or trying to be you have tohave some self awareness, yes, in
order to be considerate of others.Well, I think from a perspective of
the science, you have to haveyour right perspective, insight but you also
(03:45):
have to have an awareness of anotherperson. It's called theory of mind,
right, this idea that other people, I don't know what you're thinking.
Where you're going from limon? Youknow, I you have to understand that
you have thoughts and feelings, butthen you also have to understand that somebody
else has thoughts and feelings and theymay differ from your own. That would
be the next step, right right, Yeah, And I think consideration requires
(04:09):
a lot of theory in mind requiresanother set to say, not only do
I understand that somebody has thoughts andfeelings that are different than mine, but
I care about that too. Iwant to make sure that I'm thinking about
their feelings. Yeah. I justdon't think that you can be considerate without
being self aware. Can you beconsiderate without being self aware? You're probably
(04:30):
right because I think that. AndI don't mean like consider it in a
transactional way people that you run intoin the store, like holding a door
or right, I'm talking about considerthe people that you have relationships with.
Well, I think in the sensethat you need to recognize that your feelings
could be different from there, soyou know, to be considerate. It's
not just about doing the things thatwould make you happy, right, it
(04:51):
would be about doing things that wouldmake them happy. So yeah, so
I think and kind of golong tothe the topic that we're talking about is,
you know what happens when you knowyou're you're in a relationship with a
grumpy monkey and you're the person thatfeels all of those things, feels all
of their emotions, right, andyou know, it's one thing to say,
(05:14):
oh, well, you know,just let the grumpy monkey be,
and the what if that grumpy monkeyisn't internalizing their their emotions, their grumpiness
and um, it's being exposed tothe people around them projected outward. Yeah,
like they're slinging their bananas. Youknow, monkey reference. I got
it, okay, it was goingto sling study evolutionary psychology, So I
(05:39):
get every one know that I censoredmyself with the slinging um because you know,
monkeys are known slinging. Good thing, Bob Segue, Yeah, I
hear you so well. Interest weI was thinking a lot about this after
(06:00):
we got that comment from our fan, and I really I think what we
are talking about, being grumpy isan internal state, you know, grumpy
that kind of grumpiness is I justsuthings up like I'm just in a bad
mood, don't really know why,or maybe I do, manus a lot
of contributing to it, but it'sjust this mood. And I think what
she's referring to about feeling all theemotions is when somebody doesn't have the insight
(06:27):
of recognizing their grumpy and communicating that, hey, I'm just kind of not
doing well today or whatever, andinstead has no insight on their emotions to
the point where they're acting from theiramygdala, from their amyg instead of from
their fannie. So here, youknow, these are the people that are
running around the house with big nonverbalhues, slamming things down, as you
said, slinging bananas and and youknow, you say, you know,
(06:49):
are you okay? Yeah, I'mfine? Why? And then there's immediately
a picking of fight, right,because we want to get rid of emotion
a lot, especially in negative emotion. And so if you don't do the
work to become insightful about how you'refeeling and understand that, hey, I'm
acting really snippy today. Something mustbe bugging me. Let me go inside
and figure that out. So I'mnot externalizing that to everybody, there's a
(07:13):
problem, and I think that that'swhat it is. I think an EmPATH
is great. I think there's alsoa component of if you're that empathic,
you have to start to learn howto put a boundary down between your emotion
and somebody else's. You know,we always talk at our family about being
witches or about really like kind ofpicking up on lots of things, lots
of emotion that we don't really knowwhy. You know, I can walk
into a room and know that something'shappening without anybody telling me, and I
(07:38):
learned over lots and lots of yearsthat that wasn't directed at me. You
know. I used to walk intoa room and they go, I must
something, I must have done something, someone must be mad at me.
And now I walk in room andthey go, something happen here, you
know, and I can start topiece out this isn't about me, this
is about somebody else's feelings. AndI think if you were living with a
grumpy monkey's important they start to figurethat. I know, yeah, And
(08:01):
you know, as frequent rumpy monkey. As I've gotten older, I've realized
that it is much more beneficial tobe able to say I am in a
bad mood, like walking in thedoor I've walked into or here A plenty
of times I've just been like,Hi, I'm in a bad mood.
Actually, you say hi, andI say I'm in a bad mood,
right, And we'll sometimes we'll talkit out, and then other times it'll
(08:24):
just be I just need Yeah,we'll be all right, I'm gonna go
get ready, I'll be I'll seein a minute. Yeah. And I
like what you what you're kind ofbringing us to, which is this idea
Once you gain that insight, beingable to say what kind of what you
need? Right? Yeah? AndI you know, it's it's very helpful
for the people around you, youknow, and to hear your acknowledgement of
(08:52):
your mood and to clarify that itmakes you know, may not what it's
what the reason is. It's notbecause you're here in my space. It's
not because I'm in your space,or I feel like I have to be
here, I don't want to behere, or you know, or it's
these annoying kids that are piling outof my car that I brought with me
(09:13):
and they're annoying, like cold,just like stating it, acknowledging it,
recognizing it, stating it. Andeven if it's something you don't know the
exact reason, if you can eliminatethe possibilities, that will help the people
around you to be like, Okay, it's not me, Well it's probably
her, but I mean you knowthat you can they can identify. Okay,
(09:37):
I'm not the cause, Like we'regood. I don't have to walk
on eggshells. I just can,you know, let them be or if
they are interested, then we cantry to work on figuring it out together.
Well. And I think that comeswith we talked last week about me
not being scared of the grunt beingmood, and I think that is because
there is this dynamic of you know, you having inside it into something's up.
(10:01):
I don't even if you don't knowwhat it is, it isn't you.
I'm just not in a good spaceright now. And it's like,
Okay, we've been through that,we know this, we know the drill,
right, we know, we knowthat happens. We know Okay,
We're just going to kind of movearound. You know, I'm here if
you want to talk. You know, we don't have to all the time,
depending on what's happening in our world. We can even move through what
we need to do and deal withit later. And I you know,
(10:22):
I think also, you know,the acknowledgement of it and the speaking of
it out loud, honestly, Ican speak from experience, It eliminates the
um a little bit of the shame, yeah, that you feel for being
in a bad spot, you know, like and if you can talk about
(10:43):
it. And I can't tell youhow many times we've been in the group
setting with our good friends, youknow, who have experience with their own
grumpy monkey, especially if he doesn'tneed it, doesn't have as bananas bananas
have if Steve his bananas, I'msorry that. Yeah, no one knew.
(11:05):
But you know, like we've beenin times where you know, I'm
annoyed with some external you know,outside factor and or you are or we
are to collectively and we're getting readyto go with them, and uh,
the acknowledgement of it, the acceptanceof it and the awareness that it's not
them that are making me upset oryou know, or or us, it
(11:30):
gives you the freedom to let itgo if you feel through it. Yeah,
because you're bringing up to Frannie,right you're becoming more aware of it
to process it. And and forthe you know, for the group that
will that will very likely include acouple of jokes at you know, the
monkey's expense. And the way we'reable to do that is because you've acknowledged
(11:52):
it. You know, they knowit's not them. So we're all on
good standing here. You know.They don't feel responsible for changing your mood
either, right, They're like,okay, cool, you're totally fine.
Come on in, come on inbad mood, and no big deal.
It doesn't require them to fix you, doesn't require everyone to come and be
like, Okay, what do weneed to do here to get you in
a bad You're not asking, You'rejust like, hey, I'm here and
(12:13):
I'm kind of grumpy and I willget back on track when I can.
Ye well, And just like thedynamic in that group, it's like,
okay, so we've all been there, right, we've all been in that,
We've all been the grumpy monkey atone time or another, and it's
okay, and hey, we're herewhen you're ready, yeah, you know,
and if you want to sit inhere for a few minutes, we'll
(12:35):
be out on the porch having acouple of cocktails. Yeah, and you
can. We would love for youto join the stands floor or where.
Yeah. Yeah, and I thinkthat, and they may eventually just drag
you out and you know, likethe company that you want to keep with
them, the person you want tobe rises to the top and you get
rid of it, or you atleast can put it aside enough to join
(12:56):
join your crew. Well, Ilove what you just said about putting it
aside, because sometimes that monkey hangsfor a little while and we're not saying,
you know, go all of asudden feel better. We're saying,
yeah, it's okay to hang itin. It's okay to go and then
have a good time, but thengo home and still feel it a little
bit, and then you know,you kind of learn over time that it
does pass. But back to thecomment about being an EmPATH, I think
that that's the line there that youhave to put is like, hey,
(13:18):
I don't need to fix this.I'm not responsible. It's okay that he's
grumpy. I don't need to gotry to fix this, And that that's
where that line is, you know, knowing that having that when you're when
you have the grumpy monkey having thatinternal insight into this is just grumpy,
then that tells you what it isand frees you up to be able to
You're not requiring anybody else to haveany kind of time other than what they
(13:41):
are. There's no pressure. Ithink the mpath in the way that she's
referring to it, you know,likes to fix wants it all to be
better, and so on her sideshe can learn to, you know,
recognize that this is an estate abouther, this is something else going on
with them, and and that's okay. And you're not required to follow the
(14:01):
grumpy you're not required to listen toit. You can just kind of allow
it to be. And is thatfeeling? Do you think that that need
to fix it? That's that's likean internal satisfaction, that's like a like
I am uncomfortable, so I needto solve this, yeah, so that
I feel comfortable again. Yeah.I think it's a little that I think
maybe it's not necessarily just the EmPATHLike I said, I'm very empathic.
(14:22):
I can feel those things. Butit's the fixer part too. It needing
to fix it. That's the line. Sometimes what we're saying is it doesn't
necessarily need to be fixed. It'sjust a thing, right. But on
the other hand, if you're not, if you're not insightful about it,
and you do emote all over everybodyelse, you know, then that's not
fair either. So I think it'sthis balance. If you're in a relationship
(14:45):
with a grumpy monkey, that theygrumpy is an internal state. You have
to gain insight into that. Ifyou are running around with your nonverbal behaviors
and you know, emoting all overeverybody else, you know, and then
pretending like you don't feel something,then that's not gain insight. That's the
part you can do. And ifyou're this EmPATH and you need to trying
(15:05):
to figure out where that line is. Something else happened, This wasn't about
you, and there's something going on. You just got to wait it out
sometimes, you know. I thinkthis goes speaks back to you know,
why it's so important to teach ourkids these mental health foundations. You know,
I was in a preschool the otherday and this struck me so strongly.
I cannot get rid of this thoughtin my head. And they said,
(15:26):
you know, we don't hit,we use our words. It's such
a standard line we give to Toddler'sright. In preschool, we don't hit,
we use our words. And Ijust kept thinking, I just came
from a high school or middle school, and we could use that same thing
for them. We don't hit,we use our words. So why are
we still saying it? Why isit still happening? And I think the
piece that we've been missing is whydid you hit? You know, you
(15:48):
hit because you weren't toddler. Youhit because you're angry and you didn't want
to share your toy. So justsaying use your words doesn't connect the feeling
that you have. This behavior happensbecause you were feeling something, right,
So you were angry. I hear, you're right here, You're it's okay
to be angry. You know,it's not okay to hit our friends,
but it's okay to be angry.So you were angry and you hit.
(16:10):
You can be angry and then youcan do these things that that kind of
get rid of it. You cansay I don't want to share, I
don't like sharing my toys, ifyou know what it is. But if
you're just angry, maybe you needto calm down first, figure out what
bothered you. You didn't like toshare and then do this. And I
think at the middle school age,that's where the gap is. It's not
just we you can't hit, weuse our words. It's you hit because
(16:34):
you know that chick stole your boyfriendand you're not very happy about it.
Right, it's really hard to makeyou know. Middle schoolers don't hurt anybody
with their words. Right, Insteadof hitting her, tell her what a
bit, Tell her and everything willbe fine because nobody gets in trouble for
the words that they use in middleschool. Yes, this is the like
a metaphor one of those things youuh, But you know what I'm saying's
(16:57):
no connection between behavior. You're anemotion and we do too. We behave.
Like I noticed times I snap atthe kids more or something, and
then I realized, why am Isnapping at them at times that you know
I would normally be fine. Well, it's because I'm doing something else is
bugging me and it's bleeding into years. So once I see that behavior,
(17:18):
I can catch it and say,okay, hold on, I'm sorry,
guys, Like I think I'm I'vegot a lot going on about I'm trying
to work something out in my head, and you know, I snapped at
you because you interrupted my thoughts,but you had no idea I was thinking
about these. Yeah. I willoccasionally, a very very rarely, have
an issue with one of my childrenwho comes home maybe later than they were
supposed to, and I find myselfbeing stern or less flexible with the other
(17:45):
child who has no idea why allof a sudden they're getting lectured about,
you know, whatever you chose lecturedat that moment. And they're old enough
now that I can see it intheir expressions and their body language, and
I it's helpful to me because Itry not to do it, but I
(18:06):
will. Okay, it still happens, and I will try to fix it.
And sometimes, you know, now, as with a middle schooler in
my house, if she's not theA person in this scenario and she's the
B one unintended, she will belike, why are you yelling at B?
(18:26):
And I'm like, all right,first of all, I wasn't yelling.
I can This is my favorite line. I'll show you what my father
used to say that yeah, exactly, because it's just a dumb thing to
say when somebody's actually not yelling.Yeah, because you had no idea what
you meant, what do you thinkI got that line from parents? You
(18:49):
know? Like, so anyway,she is much more apt to call me
out on it, right because she'sthe minieu. Some have said she's he's
a passionate for some rumors going aroundthat is like me, yes, and
my son will be like and justkind of like shrug his shoulders and just
(19:11):
do whatever. I think this isabout me, I'm gonna like internalize it,
and you know, most often thenour next interaction is me being like,
I'm sorry, yeah, I'm justan at your sister or blah blah
blah or well. And the morethat happens, the more you recognize than
you can say it sooner. Likewe've talked before about how Carter is a
(19:32):
little concrete when it comes to someof those things, and I find myself
having to explain that kind of thingto him, and when I do it,
he's now started to say, letme guess you and Jewels how to
fight. You're like, you're yellingat jewels and that's why you're upset?
Yes, oh okay. And thenwhat's interesting is he's so able to take
me maybe getting on him a littlebit more. I need you to move
(19:53):
and stuff. Now, you knowin a way that I would have been
like, Carter, can you please? And he's like you and Jewels are
fighting, okay, and then he'lljust pick the stuff up and move it.
And but that's the relationship quality,right, You're not always perfect,
and you're going to take that wayfor them to do the thing that you
want them to do. Right,this is a whole other other like,
oh my god, why does ittake me flipping my ever loving shit for
(20:18):
them to do something? I actuallydon't think it takes that. I think
it takes a flip in the differentresponse. So if you get real quiet
and you were like I'm just disappointedand I would like you to please move
your things, they will get soI guarantee you they'll get so nervous that
they won't know what to do withthemselves. You'll have a clean house and
no time. I know, Idon't know if I have the ability to
(20:40):
do that. Well, that's theparenting. The Tippin trick I would give
is to go the opposite whatever youdo normally, you go the opposite.
You just take a different trick andyou put it in there and they don't
know what to do. With themselves. It's it's whatever consistently you have,
don't tell you that's like a whole. That's a culture shock, like wholesale.
(21:02):
That's like being a whole, Adifferent person I know, I know
well, and I mean it's aperson I've always wanted to be. This
non emoti man. No, you'remy ammo. I can't well good because
I can't actually not feeling, Iknow. But back to I think emoting
is one thing. Emoting all oversomeone like just that's messy. That's it's
very messy, and it is nota good thing. To stop looking.
(21:29):
It's a good thing. This isan audio. Let's just say that right
now. But that's, you know, when you aren't in control or at
least attempting to understand your own emotions. I think that's when it gets in
trouble, being grumpy and just beingable to be there and being an EmPATH
in a relationship with that. There'sthat's a two way street too. You
have to be able to say thisisn't about me, and I don't need
to fix it, and I needto allow it to go. But if
(21:51):
you are the grumpy one and yougo from grumpy that internal state to externally
being an asshole. Let's just sayit, right, then, that's being
an ass one. You need topull that back a little bit too.
I mean, it's really it's tome, it's just very two very different
things. One's external, one's internal. And and then you need to work
towards what you're saying, using thatinsight that you're trying to gain to communicate
(22:11):
it so that you know your partner, knowing your partner's strength and weakness,
of understanding those thoughts and feelings thatyou can support that. I think it's
both ways, right, I agree. Okay, here's two ropping monkeys now
becoming assholes being I don't know,I don't know how to wrap that up.
Here's two ruppy monkeys not slinging theirbananas always. Well, thanks for
(22:40):
joining us for this episode of What'sHappening here? Don't forget to subscribe to
our YouTube page or you can followme on Instagram at doctor Sarah l Allen
and Kim shows up a lot theretoo. Be sure to tell a friend
what you liked about this episode andshare it with them. After all,
we're all in this together, justtrying to figure out what's happening here.
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