Season 2 - Episode 6: It's Us, Hi, We're the Problem, It's Us

Taylor is right, we're the problem when it comes to what's wrong with our kids. We don't let them fail in life and we're keeping them from learning those important life lessons. Why do we let them fail in sports, but not in school or social situations? In this episode we talk about how difficult it is to watch them fail and give them the space to learn from their failures.

Episode Transcript

(00:01):
Welcome to What's Happening Here. Thisis a podcast we're finding the perfect and
balance of being a parent, apartner, and a person without losing the
things that matter most to you inthe process, like your sanity. You
might know me as doctor Sarah,the Brain Gal. I'm a pediatric nurse,
psychologist, and mom of two whotranslates brain science to everyday life.
I see all kids, really allpeople like little brains. You probably don't

(00:23):
know me. I'm Kevin, Sarah'spartner in crime, bourbon aficionado, discussor
of all things, and father oftwo. We started this podcast because we
saw a big gap between research andpractice, especially when you have a unique
family structure like ours, and wewanted to share what we've learned and hopefully
what we continue about navigating our livesthrough the lens of brain science with a
big old helping of reality mix there. We know there are lots of families

(00:47):
that look like ours, or kindof like art, or maybe look nothing
like ours, which makes finding asingle source of guidance and advice so hard.
But we're going to try to helpyou, so join us as we
try to figure out what's happening here. Hey, Love you want to see
this one up, I'm sure,baby, So I think this is a
great topic for today. As youcan see from my sunburn if you're watching,

(01:11):
I have the typical dad at thesoftball game, sunglasses on, no
other sun coverage. Yes, IrishCatholic skin. You can borrow my tinted
moisturizer because it has SPF um Soin this episode, I think we're going

(01:32):
to talk about the benefit of kidslearning life lessons within sports, how it's
kind of easier for us as adults, as parents to allow them to learn
those lessons than in sports and thecontext of sports. Then it is outside
of those sports, at least inand our experiences that for us who the

(01:56):
kids who play sports in our friendand I think look to other activities in
which kids participate, well, Ithink we are what's wrong with our children,
And I think that's really where we'reWhat we want to talk about today
is the fact that yes, weunder we have these experiences in sports and
things like that, but that whenwe don't extend those, we have kids

(02:17):
who don't understand what it's like tofail. And I know you have taught
me a lot actually about about thisin the context of sports. You know,
I was a swimmer, so weswim against ourselves most of the time.
The competition thing and really the teamthing I didn't even hit till high
school. And even then, youknow, it was fun for me,
but it was just I only hada few years of that dynamic. So

(02:39):
it's interesting, very much to meto watch our kids play sports at the
level that they currently are, andyou know, specifically with Ruby at the
high level that she is too,to watch that dynamic. So yeah,
you know, I think you've taughtme that kids, that there's a lot
to learn in sports. Yeah.I think one of the things that I
love about the participation in sports isthat failure is a huge part of it.

(03:05):
It happens to every player, ithappens every game in and you have
to learn how to deal with thatnot only on a personal context, like
when you personally fail, but alsowhen your team fails. You have to
be able to accept that, learnfrom it, and you know, move

(03:27):
on not just as an individual andtry to get better, but as a
team to try to get that andlearn from these failures. You know.
And there's so many cliches and everything, but the one that rings I think
that rings true. Is you learnmore from losing than you do from winning.
Yes, And that's such an interestingstatement to me. It's you know,
I haven't heard it before. Iprobably have, maybe, but I

(03:50):
value that a lot because you've heardme say conflict breeds change, that we
need to learn skills. But whenit comes to sports, I think that's
very very clear to you and toa lot of people. It's just when
it comes to other things that it'snot. It's yeah, I find it
easier to as a parent and someonewho tries to impart life lessons to my

(04:14):
children through the context of sports thatthey play. You know, when I
talk to them about things that theycan improve on and reasons why maybe they
failed at a particular activity or aparticular game or a particular you know,
a moment in a game. Itry to give them the perspective of how,
you know, like this is thisis something you can build on,
you can learn from this, whatwent wrong? How can you prepare so

(04:39):
that the next time you're in thatsituation you can be successful? You know
you can, so that failure Itry to turn it into something and you
know, it's a process for meto watch them fail is not easy,
you know, but I understand thebroader context, the bigger picture, that
it's part of the game. Whateverthey're playing. It happens to everybody.

(05:00):
Nobody's perfect. They're going to youknow, this is an opportunity to learn
from it because it's in the contextof the sport, right It's in the
context of the game that they're playing. It's nobody is perfect. You're gonna
strike out, you know, you'regonna miss a shot, you know you're
gonna miss an open net, You'reyou know you're gonna get beat and someone's

(05:23):
going to score on you, andthey're gonna win the game. You know,
it happens, and that's that's acceptable. It's acceptable in the context of
a game. Well, I thinkyou you really understand the development of kids
athletic skills, right, So,and this is why the parallel to me
that we're going to get to sointeresting because it's it's very apparent for me

(05:44):
now that we have kids again eleventhey're sixteen, watching the different ball hockey
levels and for the last few yearswatching the development of all of them in
their ball hockey skills and even you'll, I mean, people remember this a
T ball or softball, right,the first couple games when they're younger,
they I think I even have avideo of ball getting hit to the field
and just ten kids piling on topof each other because they know they're supposed

(06:04):
to get the ball, but theydon't know what to do with it.
And then as you get older,and it's fun to watch the kids watch
a younger game and be like,how could you have sat through this?
This is terrible, right, butyou know, like, Okay, first
they have to learn to find theball in the field. Then they have
to this is a terrible you shouldprobably pick up here. But then they
have to learn hit off the tee, then hit a live pitch, then
hit you know, like and theymove up in the development of their skills

(06:27):
as an athlete. And I thinkyou do a great job too of watching,
like, okay, with ball hockey, for example, they're thinking a
lot about where they need to be, so they're not as good with their
stick skills, or they're going tobe better or their stick skills. But
then they need to learn the gamea little bit more. So you can
watch as those pieces come together andthey become better and better athletes. That
that's what's happening. It's like,okay, these this stick skills now automatics,

(06:47):
so they don't have to think aboutthat. So now they can think
about plays and where they need tobe and moving around and the game goes
up from there. And that's becausewe understand the development of how kids develop
athletics skills and even my favorite isalways wrestling. I think I've talked about
it before about when my son starteda little kid wrestling and you realize there's
just so much adrenaline and so muchemotion that has to go into that to

(07:11):
pin somebody, and getting pins thatjust it's just a bunch of boys and
girls crying. And then they learnedto control that and they learn how to
do the physical aspects of it too. So there's a development to that,
and I love watching you help thekids understand that, and it is really
interesting watching a team sport and dealingwith failure. We just came off a

(07:31):
softball game, you know, wheremy daughter felt terrible about something that I
had no idea. I didn't eventhink it was a play she could have
made, but she felt bad likeshe had let her team down. And
watching her figure out, okay,that was something she didn't like, so
what can she do next time thatwould be different? Or what is all
this emotion too? Just the adrenaling, right, And I think that that's

(07:53):
really interesting. But then when youthink about other skills, like the skills
that I'm really big on, youknow, these communication, relationship, ship,
emotion management skills, friendship skills,all of those things, I think
that becomes a much harder lesson toallow your kids to learn outside of the
contexts you're talking about life. Yeah, hundred percent. And this, I

(08:16):
think to your point earlier what we'vesaid before, like we're the problem.
Yeah, parents in our age bracket, we're the problem because we are so
reluctant to let our children fail atwhatever it is. We're so reluctant to
let them fail, and we don'tgive them the opportunity to learn those lessons

(08:37):
from that failure. Yeah, AndI am guilty of it just as much
as I know you are, andwe both we both struggle with us.
We've tried to work through this asmuch as possible, you know, like,
because you don't you want to protectyour children from the consequences right where
the problem is those consequences are whatmake them better people. Right, better
athletes facing those consequences and having tonavigate those circumstances. Those are what make

(09:03):
them better people because they learn howthat feels, they recognize that they don't
like that feeling, and it givesthem the motivation and the drive, hopefully
with some coaching from you know,their parents, on how to avoid that
in the future so that it doesn'toccur again and so that they can grow
from that and become a better personpartner, you know, And that is

(09:28):
that is the most I think.I would say it's probably one of the
most challenging things for me as aparent is to see it, see a
situation coming, you know, likeand let them let them fail it.
Yeah, and you and we're allperfectly capable of seeing in coaching situations with
athletes, but just not with thesesocial emotional lessons. And I think,

(09:52):
you know, failure at failed atest, what do we do. We
call the teacher and we fix it, right, well, let them retake
a test, right, or failurewith the friends, like maybe someone said
something mean to you or you saidsomething mean to them, and we call
the parents, Oh, don't talkto that kid ever again. We remove
them from the situation. Doesn't teachanything. Even when our kids act in

(10:13):
a certain way that we might notlike about it, we punish it,
but we don't teach the skill.And I think we were never thought that
as a parent, you are acoach and you are a teacher, and
there are skills that you need tobuild and no matter. I have done
this for years and years and yearsacademically, right, and then having our
own kids now to kind of watchand practice on. It's really interesting too

(10:35):
because there's a different dynamic between mybiological kids versus my bonus kids too.
I have a little I can remove. My bonus children have a mother and
a father that are fully invested inthem. They don't need another mother,
right, so they Having me beable to run a support role and step
back a little bit, just likeyou're able to do with my kids,

(10:56):
has been really helpful in terms ofhelping the build skills because you get a
little respected, right. So thisis a great as I'm just thinking about
it now, there's a great analogy, right, Like the typically in hockey,
the head coach is like the hardass. He's the one who's the
task master, He's the drill sergeant, he's the one and the assistant coach

(11:18):
is typically in some cases the guywho's there to be like, yeah,
he's really off for you. ButI think if we work on this,
this is something we can you know, we can improve and help you get
better. They they're there to beempathetic, they're there to be an understanding.
They're there to be the shoulder tolean on. You're like, all
right, let's let's work on this. That is the bonus parent role,
right there would be the assistant coach, right like they have the two head

(11:41):
coaches. Right there's there's co headcoaches there and they're being a hard ass,
you know, and they're being abonus parent. Hey, let me
take your side. Let's let mehelp you on with this. Let's build
the skill a little bit more.And that's what's fun. Get back on
the rank and work on that.And just as an aside, like I
think the biggest thing is to youknow, as any good assistant coach would
you. I mean, I knowwhen I was the Mississiant coach for deck

(12:03):
hockey, I felt this way.I opened the door once at a hockey
game in the summer, but Icall yelled at you to open the door.
You made me be the assistant coach, so now I ute the day.
Right. Yes, it's a verydifficult role. But what I can
tell you is that it's important tonot undermine, right, the head coach.
So you're not saying, oh,they're oh, I know them,
they're hot heads, they're the hardass. You're saying, listen, this

(12:26):
is what they are meaning, thisis what they're talking about. You know,
we can work on this. Whatwhat planing can we get together?
How do we how do we fixsome of this stuff? And I think
that that's really important even when you'renot bonus parenting, even when you're when
you're co parenting in a you know, to biological parents or adoptorate have or
whatever it looks like lead parenting,we'll call it. I still think it's
important to never because you do kindof play a good cop, backhop or

(12:48):
supportive role sometimes, and it's reallyimportant not to undermine it because then you
lose all the skill building opportunity.Absolutely, that's that's totally but I think
that it is harder to watch.It's always this balance, you know.
I in my I call it mindfulmeddling, right, because you're gonna meddle
like you're gonna you're gonna try tofix it, but you want to do
it in a way that again buildsthat skill, and or we end up
being what's wrong with our children?Because when I taught DOT classes, I

(13:11):
can tell you I would get callsfrom parents for working professionals, or something
bad would happen, somebody you knowwould pass away, or a kid needed
something. You know, they weresick one day and that would blow the
entire term for them, or theywould just never be able to get back
on their feet again because they've nowexperienced something difficult and it makes it really

(13:31):
hard. So that's what we don'twant. We don't want entitled children.
We don't want children who've never hadexperience with bad things, because then when
the bad things happen, they don'tknow what to do and they crumble.
So again, friendships in school,you know, trying to allow them to
not maybe get a good grade hereor there, or maybe not join the
team when the team's doing an activitybecause they didn't do something they're supposed to

(13:52):
do, even though it's really hardto watch them be left out, even
just to be upset about a kidleaving them out of something, you know,
and it helped to coach them throughthat coaching was the best analogy that
you make, you know. Ithink that that is important, and it
is hard. It's like we're usedto watching them cry about a game,
but to watch them cry about afriend and you want to swoop in and

(14:15):
save them and make them feel better. But to let them sit in some
of that, right, I think, well, bloom me. There's plenty
of parents that will swoop in andtry to save them in their sport as
well, So it's not just it'snot safe. And then I'm sure there's
plenty of coaches that will tell youwatch on with our children, we are
across the board, were what's wrongwith them? Across the board? And

(14:35):
I think, you know, yeah, it's it's easy, like we're talking
about, it's easy to contextualize thatand within a sport, and it's much
more difficult to contextualize it within theirlife, right because the sports is the
arena where you can teach these lifelessons in a safe way, you know,
where the consequences for the most partare not so significant that they're going
to rumble. Now at higher levelsof sports, there's you know, differences,

(14:58):
but that's when they're yeah, thenthey're that is the balance, right,
They're kids like you can you canuse those opportunities and it is you
know, I try to, withyour help and the help of their mom,
try to we try to pick thosemoments where you know, we can
agree that this is a this isa life learner, this is a life

(15:18):
lesson here that they should learn.And thankfully, in my situation, we
have a pretty good we've always agreedon how to raise the kids and how
we want them to grow up inthe people, you know, types of
people we want them to grow upright. So thankfully that has been generally
smooth sailing. Yeah, you know, we've always seen eye to eye on

(15:39):
that, which is great because thatconsistency is really valuable for the lessons,
you know, for the kids tolearn. Now, it's still a challenge
to you know, watch them agreethat we're like, okay, this is
this is where we're going to haveto let them, you know, fall
down, right, And you knowit's like I remember, you know,
like sitting at the park, youknow, and watching them toddle around the

(16:02):
park, and you know, likewatching them fall down and you're like,
no, I have to let themfall down and pick themselves back up again.
I can't go over every time theyfall down and pick them up and
dust them off and be like,you're not going to let them fall from
the second story of the play set, right, This is that balance you're
trying to find. But you'll letthem fall from a height that you know
will teach them something, right,allow them to learn something. And I

(16:22):
think that it's easier when they're younger. It's easier in the I think it's
still easier in the sports context.Could it's kind of closed loop. But
when you have these friendships and youhave these situations at school, and you
have any of those kinds of relationship, communication, emotion, they're all subjective
and there isn't a closed loop onthat stuff a lot of times, and
so you're really trying to find thatbalance of Okay, what is that little

(16:45):
fall that they can get themselves upand what is the second story that they're
not going to be able to do? And finding that middle can be really,
really difficult, And also part ofthe challenge is removing your own emotions
from and not projecting your own emotionsabout your own shit that you have,
you know, onto seeing your kidgo through something you maybe went through as

(17:06):
a kid and didn't have the support, didn't have that somebody to help you
learn the lessons you know about howto handle those situations, and you like,
you just go right back to thatmoment when that terrible thing happened to
you and you didn't you know,you didn't have the help to figure it
out or to grow from it.And you know, I can see my
kids, like I can see thingshappening that they're going through, and I'm

(17:30):
like, I really have to watchmy reaction. I had to measure my
reaction because you want to give themthe opportunity to learn from that, like
we're talking about, and you haveto do it in a way that you
can remove yourself your emotions, becauseyou know, I will see something happening.
I know what's going to happen.I know they're gonna feel terrible about

(17:51):
it. It's gonna make them sick. It feels sick, and I'm gonna
feel sick for letting it happen.But it's still they're gonna be better for
it. On the other side,if you not only if they go through
that, they have those emotions,they have those feelings, and then you're
there to help them navigate them.Yeah, I mean, I you talk

(18:11):
about like you know what this isgoing to look like. I talk about
this all the time, like Ican see the train wreck happening. I
have realized it's way faster and wayahead of most people. Like just really,
I can see it all happen,but they're not there yet, right,
right, And so it's always abalance, especially with my kids,
when I know and I'm already emotionallythere, I know what's going to happen,
even if this is a problem forme. In relationships in general,

(18:33):
I have to learn to allow peopleto get certain places themselves, right.
True, But it's interesting that inthat context too, because it is you
have to know yourself. You haveto start to learn what's important to you,
and what are you projecting onto them, and what is important to them,
and how do they meet their owngoals? Right, trying to develop
some of those own goals, becauseI think, you know, I just
had this situation with you know,with Juliana where I she got to a

(18:59):
new friend group at one point,and there's a lot of different ways I
wasn't sure about that group. There'sthere was something I wasn't sure about.
And there's a lot of different waysI could have handled that, right,
Like, I don't want her gettinginvolved in the wrong group. I know
what's happens, I've seen this,I know what this could lead to you,
and I don't want her to haveto deal with that and let you
know all of these things. SoI could have just shut it down and
said nope, you're not allowed togo on with them. Instead, again,

(19:21):
I'm really big on independence building andhaving them learn those kinds of skills
while they're still under my roof,rather her not get to college and then
have to make those decisions when Ican't be there to support. So instead
I said, listen, you know, I kind of have this witchy feeling
often, and I have this feelingthat I'm not kind of seeing the future.
Yeah, I kind of get itsruns in our family. I don't
know what. I don't know scientificallyas I think about it, I'm sure

(19:44):
it's picking up on, you know, some kind of these things that my
brain may be aware of that I'mnot fully aware of. That I sat
together definitely energy off, not inan aura like a light sense, more
like in a picking up on theway people act or those subtleties and some
things they say or some thing likethat that I'm probably not fully conscious of,
but I get these feelings about things, and oftentimes I don't know exactly
how they're going to play out,but I get these so instead anyway,

(20:07):
what I said to her was,listen, I'm getting that weird, witchy
feeling. Totally your call, butyou know, keep a head up about
this. Um, you know,here's what I'm worried about and why.
And she said to me, youknow, okay, I hear you,
which again, if you've been listeningto our podcast, is extremely important to
me to feel herd I understood,and I said, okay, great,
and she said, but I haveto figure that out for myself a bit.
Absolutely no problem, And that's veryself aware for someone her age.

(20:33):
She happens to have that characteristic whenshe chooses to use it, especially for
good. But yeah, you know, and to have that conversation I think
was good. And then what Ibasically do is try to put boundaries that
won't allow her to get too fardeep, like you need to be held
by ten and you need to behome, yeah, so like you away
her fall. Yeah, but notall the way of the ground, right,

(20:56):
So you can go out a littlebit, but you have to have
a curview or you know, sometimesyou can go out and sometimes you can't
because we need to do a familything. And as long as she's respectful
of that, she gets more freedom. And so kind of putting these little
boundaries around that still allows her toexplore, but like you said, not
get herself too far. And Ithink a lot of that comes and independence
is very important to her. Shewas a kid that used to say I
do it myself. You know.I have a video of her even singing

(21:18):
Felice naby Dad and she's singing felicenavy nuts and I said, Jules,
it's felice nabi dad. She saidno, and she continued to sing Felice
navas. I mean, that's herto a t that video, And she's
always been that way. She wantsto do it herself. She wants to
build those skills. It's important toher. So it's a goal that I
support her in trying to meet.It comes to her home. Then she's

(21:41):
sitting at well in a sense thatI say, I'm turning your phone off
and tell your homeworks done. Youchoose independently when you want to finish that,
but your phone doesn't go back onand tell her and send me pictures
at this point. But yeah,and I think each kid, I think
that's the way to go about it. And I think that that's what's important
when we say, like we're what'swrong with our kids? If we don't
have social emotional goals in mind alongwith sports, along with just academics,

(22:06):
we're going to end up being thereason why, you know, the universe
fails, they can fail, thewhole world crumbles, because we're getting pretty
close right now. Yeah, andI think each one of our kids,
you know, I can think ifI think one, you know, building
more responsibility and being able to bemore aware of things around him and what
he you know, how to dothings himself and contribute, like that's really

(22:30):
you know him, I think goingin age order. Maybe the other would
be I think building some like asocial friendship skills outside of sports that allow
her to grow and try things outand let her decide who she wants to
be. You know, you canjump in if you if you have some
clearly independence we had now, Ithink, Yeah, I mean for the

(22:52):
oldest one, I think he needsto be pushed to be more self sufficient,
and he's fully capable of it,but given his personality, and you
know, it's been a reluctance onhis parents' part to push him to do
that because it's annoying. Yeah,because then you have to, like it
takes extra time, you have toallow it to go. And I don't.

(23:17):
I think it's just, uh,it needs to be called to his
awareness, right, Like he's awonderful kid and he it's just like,
okay, it's time now, yeah, right, push him out of the
next kind of thing, and hejust he will rise to the occasion,
but he's definitely gonna fall a coupleof times. He will, and that's
gonna be hard to watch because heis such a good, wonderful, happy,
go lucky kid, and you it'sso terrible to see him upset.

(23:41):
Right, He's really bad at beingsad. It's so sad when he's sad,
it's very So it's gonna be hard. But like, at the same
time, you know, he needsto be able to live on his own
at point, which is perfectly capable. And I think for Ruby, it's
like you're you're kind of talking aboutit's like rounding the which just a little
like softening the curve a little,because she's very sharply defined in her thinking

(24:07):
and she's determined. She's gold driven, especially when it comes specifically about sports,
and so to be able to pullher out, like you're saying in
these other areas is I think it'sreally fun to watch her. But it's
also hard to watch when there's adisagreement amongst friends to not swoop in and
fix that problem. And I knowthat's been very hard for especially with your
you know, she's a daddy's girl, so too, that's very hard for

(24:30):
you. Get a lot of abgresponse, you get a lot of emotion
when she feels sad about anything,yes, which is lovely but also difficult
to manage, right, And thenyou know, again I think independence and
trying to find the way to conferher jewels. I think she really helping
her keep the kindness aspects to herand give that that piece of her out

(24:52):
in the world. Use, Ialways say, use her talents for good
problem solving, like let's let's solvethe right problem. She's also very driven
and focused on what she wants todo and tend to lead to her kind
of running over right people sometimes andgetting her to understand, you know,
to bring people along with her asopposed to just lead, running up,

(25:15):
going pushing forward and going out thedoor. Yes yes, no idea where
a long wait and wait for bringeverybody along with you? Yes, yes,
and leaving us in the wake rightright exactly. And then I think
for Carter, you know, he'sgot he's a very he's a smart kid,
an emotional kid, but trying towrangle that emotion and make sure he's

(25:37):
think he's good at thinking about otherpeople in his world, he really really
is, but remembering to do itand remembering the things that are important to
him, and to convey that caring, Yes, to convey those emotions that
he feels and those thoughts that hefeels for others, to convey it,
because I don't think that that isin his nature. His first thing I'm
thinking is I've come to learn thathe does think about other people at he

(26:02):
cares about them very very much,but he is not great about sharing that
care. I think he's good atsharing that. I think sometimes when he's
emotional, it clouds everything else abouthim. And he's learning a lot to
express his own emotions and stand upfor himself a little bit too, because
and he is an interesting dynamic,right, He's a little one of all

(26:22):
the kids that we tend to hangout with, and so he does get
the little brother knock most of thetime. And although he's embracing that role,
it also is hard to always bethe one who's as not as fast,
not as strong, not as quick, you know. And he's been
figuring that out and doing that well. But those are the skills we want
to build in him. So youknow, sometimes we let him go at

(26:45):
the sixteen year old and get himselfknocked in the face and cry right,
which is hard for me to watch, yea, you know he's speaking about
you know, I think just havinglost male children like boys, it's harder
for me to see him. Ihave to recognize and step that back a
lot. Luckily, though, Ithink the older brother role is played by
somebody who understands the limits, yeah, and understands I think he also understands

(27:08):
the value of the lesson being taught. Yes, And he doesn't have an
older brother. He has a fatherthat has tried to teach him those lessons.
Because I grew up without an olderolder brother I had my I was
the youngest, but I was theyoungest kid on the street. So I
had boys that I played with allthe time that were two and three and

(27:30):
four years older than me. Sothey acted in a way as older brothers,
and I learned those lessons. Butyou know, I have to play
this kind of dual role of beinga dad but also finding those moments where
I can kind of act as anolder brother so that Ronan doesn't go out
into the world because he's so sweetand he's so has been. As he's
getting a little older, he's gettinghe's getting a little bit more wise,

(27:55):
but you know, you have tokind of help him understand that, like,
not everybody out out there is good, right, you know, like
they're gonna there's gonna be people thatare gonna take advantage of You have to
be able to recognize them. Andyou start to take advantage of him so
he recognizes it, you know,like, and you do it in you
know, a playful kind of way. And this is the role now I
see him kind of playing with Carteris like okay, you could okay,

(28:18):
stop, okay, stop stop bangokay, now now did you finally stop?
You know, Dan Carters. Tohis credit, he's always like,
Mom, it was my faults,and he will push it on purpose.
He likes the attention of it.And I think as a family, that's
one of our main goals for ourselvesas relationship. That's a lesson, right,
Like, that's another example of wecan see it coming, right,

(28:41):
we can see the line cross he'sgetting close to crossing the line. We
see it happening, and he's gonnaget hurt. And sometimes we you know,
we can do things to stop itand we can step in it.
And then other times we're just likewe kind of look at each other and
we're like, this is gonna thisis gonna hurt. But he's got to
learn this lesson. And we knowthat the midst of our kids too,
which I think is what makes thata little bit better. But yeah,

(29:03):
I mean it is hard to watchthem get upset, and it is hard,
and it's been very interesting to watchthem learn the lesson and how to
handle it and what it means.And I think having those goals in mind,
like you should be thinking about whatkids need to build, what your
kids want to build. They're allindividual, they're all unique, they all
have different ones no matter what,and then what our goals are in terms
of raising them, what our valuesare. Like I said, we do

(29:23):
a lot of understanding the roles ofthe people in our family and the way
we relate and working on that relationship. That's very important to me is to
really have deep, meaningful connections withthe people you love. That is a
value of mind and so that's animportant skill for me to build too.
And you have your own ones thatyou bring in. But you know,
if we keep that in mind,then we may not be what's wrong with

(29:45):
our kids and we still have ashot to fix it. Come on,
people left, go well, thanksfor joining us for this episode of What's
Happening here? Don't forget to subscribeto our YouTube page, or you can
follow me on instag Graham at DoctorSarah l Allen and Kim shows up a
lot there too. Be sure totell a friend what you liked about this
episode and share it with them.After all, we're all in this together,

(30:08):
just trying to figure out what's happeninghere.