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June 24, 2024 149 mins
The Alan Cox Show
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Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
The Federal Communications Commission has determined thefollowing content to be emotionally harmful. Funny
things that you thinks funny aren't funny. Hear me, Cockbob the time you
want to all Coxshow kicks ash Man, welcome me. What yeah, I
can see a lot of cocks onTV. Allen Cox from the Allen COO.

I don't know what's about you,but I can't get fader. Thank
you. It would be a crazylet's take it coffee kick and you'll go
take it with a safety groove.Okay, what Bill three? Kick tick
it? Tom damn? Put youone time ticket? What Allen Cox?

Here we go, he'll add,he'll be trying. It's the Allen Cox
Show on one hundred point seven doubleU m m as Hey, what's going

on? Guys? Good afternoon andladies and everything in the queen, whoever
you are, whatever, welcome,welcome, Thanks for being here. My
name is Alan Cox. Thanks forshowing up. Say hi to Bill Squire
he's right over there. Hey,creepy hugs everybody. Comedian Mary Santora sitting

in today. Oh hello, veryexciting. I thought you were in here
tomorrow. I didn't even know youwere in here today, all kinds of
plans changed. Alan. You know, life is just a journey, and
you just got to take it onestep at a time. You go to
the flow. Baby. You andI did a lot of driving over the
weekend, not together, of course, separately always, but these highways and

byways of America were well tread yeahby mary Lynne Santora and Alan Cox this
weekend. Yes, you weren't doin until tomorrow. I thought, no,
I was gonna fly originally because tomorrow'smine in Brian's anniversary, So I
was gonna fly into Cleveland tomorrow oflove of love, Oh God, for

you, for years of love,four years. So I was gonna fly
in tomorrow morning, do the show, and then we're gonna go to dinner
tomorrow night. And then I wasgonna I'm in Chicago Wednesday and then Detroit
Thursday to Saturday. So I wasgonna fly New York to Cleveland, Cleveland
to Chicago, rent a car,drive from Chicago to Detroit, and then

have the car for a week anda half because we're off next week.
So then I was like, that'sa lot. I might as well just
drive. So I decided to driveyesterday because it's like a nine hour drive
from New York to Cleveland. SoI decided instead of missing the show today,
I would drive yesterday. And boywas it a pain in the ass.

Dude. It was like, tookme two hours to get out of
the city. And I was like, and then you're just, yes,
it's just Pennsylvania. That's the wholedrive. You're going to tip the tane
Pennsylvania. That's it. But itwas. But it's nice when you get
into Ohio and you're like, it'sonly like an hour and a half down,
yes, when you move out.But it was like thunder storms on

and off all day yesterday. SoI'd like get going for like forty five
minutes and then it would be ahalf hour of torrential downpours and everybody's just
driving forty with their blinkers or theirblinkers their hazards on. So it was
like the drive ended up taking mealmost ten hours to do and I had
to stop a couple hours in becausemy car was making a noise every time

I turned it was like grinding,and I was like, well, I
don't like this. I still haveeight and a half hours left, you
know, like this isn't And Irealized, I'm like, I don't know
the last time I drove for anextended period of time in my car,
because every time I drive in NewYork, it's all stop and go for
like a mile and that's it.You don't really get to open it up
and hear all the fun noises thatyour car's making. I got that didn't

sound good. Well, it hasn'tgotten over thirty since I've been there,
you know. And so I gotto tune up and everything. I checked
everything before I went to New Yorkin December. But I took it into
our friends at Terry's North Coast Autothis morning and I needed roators and brake
pads. Oh boy, they'll getyou for a good six seven hundred bucks
for that. Uh No, theywere under warranty. Oh because I just

had everything done in December. Welldone, so roaders and brake pads.
I had a blinker out, whichis apparently why it was flashing fast.
Did you guys know that that isa reason if you have a blinker out,
Yeah, when it flashes fast.Yeah yeah. I was like,
oh, that's a cool new trickthat my cars. I don't think I
knew that. Yeah, so ifyou put the blinker on and on your
dashboard, it's like it's going crazyfast. That means your blinker doesn't work.

I mean like, if it soundslike Leanne Summers making a machine gun
noise, I want to make surewe're all in the same page. So
they uh oil changed blinker and rotorsthat was making the grinding. Yeah.
Sure you're getting down to no padsthere. Yeah woof So uh yeah,
all safe, back on the route. Everybody's happy, everybody's good. What

do you drive again? A Kiafourte Oh right? A Kia fourte Yes,
yes, twenty seventeen and still underwarranty and still not stolen. Still
not stolen, the brakes were underwarranty. Ah, this is not the
whole car miles around it. Youdass one hundred and forty one thousand.
Wow, pretty good. Well.I was talking to Brian about it was

like, do my car's making somenoise. I don't know if there's something
stuck in a wheel well or something. And I like pulled off and was
looking at it. He goes,well, it's an older car, and
I was like, no, itisn't. I bought in twenty seventeen.
He's like, well, first ofall, that's seven years, and second
of all, you have almost onehundred and fifty thousand miles on it.
Like you gotta start checking this stuffmore regularly, you know, check your
fluids. Yeah. When I washome a couple of weeks ago, my

brother bought himself a new He's gota Kia five, and I'm like,
or K five. Yeah, I'mlike, that's a good looking car.
Boy, Like, what the hellisn't he bought it from one of the
carvan e venting machines and the wholebit, I'm like, is that did
he have to shake the machine toget back? Once? I said I
I was kind of curious, youknow, because I got to bring the
giant tilted against the glass. Yeah. I was curious because you know,

a lot of those carbon and ventingmachines of getting they're changing that a lot
because it's not as popular as itonce was. But he was like it
was the way he described it,He's like, it was very, very
not labor intensive at all. Soit sounded like he had a really good
experience with him. But even hadK five is pretty it was pretty sweet.

You were in Indiana. I wasthat we were in Bloomington, Indiana,
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.Yes, it was so long driving.
Sunday was the day that we cameback from Bloomington. In anything,
that's all it was all that itwas, that's the day that we came
back. No, because there's somuch constraction birthday, birthday, there's so
much construction. I don't know whatyou're talking about around Indianapolis. That it

takes you in these back roads andboy, if you have never seen some
of the neighborhoods there in southeast Indianapolis, you are having a great time.
Because on the way back, wewere going to stop off at the IKEA
in Columbus, so we took acompletely, as it turns out, much
better way just going due east fromBloomington to back up with the traffic and
everything, it just took forever.But two of we have five weddings this

year, and two of them areGwen's cousins are getting married, not to
each other, but and so theygot her cousins and her family and then
me, and it was this big, you know party over the weekend and
out on the lake and in Bloomington. Of course, My wife went to
college there. She went to IndianaUniversity, so it was kind of old

home week and for her. Butit was a lot of driving. It
was fine. It was a goodtime. It's fun to see everybody.
But I'm like, you know,I'm the oldest due there, so it's
like we're all, you know,we're all kind of kicking it or whatever.
But it was funny. It wasjust a lot of driving, but
it was fine, you know.But yeah, that rain where you'd be
driving through massive sheets of torrential rainand then it would stop and you'd be

like all right, yeah, theywould go like ten more miles and it
start again. I'm like, comeon, man, Yeah, but you
can see because she's yeah, becausePennsylvania is like all mountainous in that area.
So I'm like, I can seeup ahead. I see at the
top of the hill where it's rainingagain. Yeah, So those kind yeah,
I was. My cat was beingsuper super cuddly yesterday morning, so

I'm like laying with her and Icalled Brian. I was like, do
you think I should bring the catwhen you come home? I was like,
you think I should bring her?I've never brought her in a car
because she's a psycho in the car. When we go to the vet five
minutes away, she's rawl low.So he was like, you want to
drive her ten hours in a matterof two weeks twice in the car.

He's like, you can't give herenough drugs. He's like, I don't
think that's a good idea at all. This will be the longest that I've
ever Well, then what happened.She just hangs out in the house and
your roommate keeps an eye or whenshe's home. Yeah, so I mean
cats don't need a lot I wasgonna say, this is when this is
when the fact that cats don't needa lot of attention comes in handy.
Yes, is when you're gone.You could literally leave a cat for a

weekend. Yeah, three days islike that. You can also take a
dog in the car, and they'rejust like, this was the best thing
I've ever dog, right, Like, my dog loves going for a car
right, Well, some dogs don't, Like you have to know if your
dog gets car sick or some dogspuke in the car, Like, you
can't have that dog just curls upin the front seat and it's like,
let's go. Yeah, that's whatmy dog does too well. Because some
cat, I mean some dogs andcats, they'll have like travel anxiety.

I was reading a Reddit page wherethey were like, yeah, my cat
loves to travel. I put iton the harness and walk it at the
at the travel stop. I'm like, no way, and not in a
million I can't even put a collaron my cat. We tried animals different.
We tried training one of our catswhen I was married to walk in
a harness and just as soon aswe get outside, just the over yeah,

and you're like come on, andthey're like, nope, I'm good.
I'm in the grass. Yeah.You don't drag them through the grass,
kick up sparks or anything, pullthem down the sidewalk. I want
to start. That's how you trainthem. Yeah, so I want.
I didn't want to leave her fortwo weeks, but yeah, my roommate
will check on her. Probably.My roommate is actually going out of town
on Friday, so she'll check onher Tuesday just to make sure she has
food and water, and then againFriday, and then a friend of ours

is checking on them Sunday, andthen my roommate will be back next week.
God, you just got you haveto deputize people when you have pets
and you're gone, yeah, heycould you poke your head in? And
then hope that they don't, youknow, hope they remember remember to put
on somebody rotate who Because if Igo out of town and don't take Whoopsie,
people will be like, who's watchingit? Like it's between like my
girlfriend and my sister, my uhdaughters, and just like even when my

sister was around, she would belike, hey, let me know.
Yeah, but yeah, there's there'splenty of takers for Whoopsie. Well it's
just a cat's real easy where I'mlike, you don't have to like scooper
box or anything, because she's goinge roommates something going to be gone a
couple of days. So it's like, hey, just make sure she has
food and pour a cup of waterinto her fountain. That's all you gotta
do. But you don't have toscooper box. You don't have to give

her pepsmere. All right, Well, good, we're all here, the
gang's all here. Fun fact,celebrity deaths like testicles sometimes come in three
cock show on one point seven wnmassA handful of celebrity deaths. Well,

people I consider to be celebrities.Maybe not everybody, but new commentaries boy,
and your Cleveland Guardians are in Balmore, Maryland tonight played the Orioles.
That's Cal Ripkins the Balmore Orioles.Tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday. Those are
six oh five starts, So wewill roll out a couple of minutes early

make way for your Cleveland Guardians,who I think had a a good weekend.
Great weekend against the Toronto Blue Jays. Here the blue Jays, lots
of dingers. I was at thegame on Saturday, very very hot day.
But yes, say great game,pound Cake throughout the deliver the game
ball I saw someday on Friday.Yeah, they refer to him as Cleveland's

best sports talker there. Yeah,that was exciting. And how what happened
Saturday? That was well? Ohthat was shacked Diesel? Shacked Diesel.
We left before shack Diesel. Uh, it was so hot that was playing
Oh shack Diesel. I'm going tosee him and we see him. Yeah.
But when you take youngins thirteen butlike they're like, we're done being

here. Oh that's your girls,kid, and they're like we're kind of
over being here. We want togo swimming. And I was like,
all right, oh, I seethat. You didn't. I was like,
I must see Jack Diesel. Idon't, guys, you think it's
hot, now it's about to gethotter with DJ Shack Diesel. They wont
the good and that dip into thechapter she's got one kid and then she's

got a niece that came with usas well. I see, Oh,
so you're just hurting cats. Imean at the game. I mean not
really. They're thirteen and seventeen,and they know they're thirteen and seventeen,
and they refuse to hang out forShack Diesel. They were pretty crazy.
They weren't feeling it. They're like, hey, we want to go swimming.
They were That's what they wanted todo because it was so hot.
So they go back to your spotand everybody jumps in the pool. Yep,

yep, go swimming. They havesome pizza they had back home.
I get to bed nice and early, great Saturday. Nice And what's early
on a Saturday? Like ten thirtyeleven? Oh? Really? Yeah?
Oh man, it was great.We're up late drinking all weekend. It's
a good time. How do youfeel great? Really? I went to
the gym this morning, old andyou can drink like that stuff. I

can do a lot of things betterthan people younger than I. You're not
slammed, you're getting like blackout drunk. No, we got pretty lit up.
Yeah, no, we were prettylittle. You have seven, nine
twelve, probably six or seven.Yeah, it was a good time.
Played a game called Buzzed. Youplayed buzzed, one of those card games.

It was just it was a well, okay, So Gwen's cousins are
like young dudes. They're getting marriedyoung, right, they're young dudes,
and they're runners. So they hada handful of their friends at this thing
too, in addition to Gwen's family, and so a lot of these guys

were sitting there watching the track andfield Olympic trials. This is the kind
of ragor this was right, Andso Gwen and I are like, well,
let's just drink and play Buzzed.And so we sat there because you
know, we have fun. Andso we're playing this game called Buzzed and
it's just these questions, you know, hey, because they assume it's going

to be more than two people,and so you know, oh, drink
if you have done this or whatever, Yeah, kind of, I'm stupid.
One of them is a drink somethingabout the last time you quit a
job. And I'm sitting there andI'm already probably a half a dozen deep,
and I go, oh my god, I've never quit a job.

You've only been fired. I've neverquit a job, So you've only been
fired. Yeah, I've only beenfired once. I'm like, I've never
gotten to quit a job. AndI really to think about it. I
was like, because I only hada handful of square jobs before I got
into radio, and I was like, have I ever quit a job?

And I'm like, I don't thinkso. I never got to do the
I never got to do like thethe Jim Brewer half baked thing, if
you if you you're cool. I'venever done that. I've never done it.
I've never never quit that way,but I've never I don't think I
would quit that way anyway. ButI've never quit a job. I didn't

like, how can that be?I walked out it subway because there was
I was the morning Key. Youwere revealed as not being a true artist.
You lied on your resume. Yeah, very you were a sandwich fartist.
That's not true. I was veryartsy. But no, there was

this like I had all the prepwork done in the morning. I was
very good at that job. Andthis lady that I worked with, she
was like a lifetime jumping, likejumping from like different fast food job,
a different fast food job, andshe had worked there longer than me.
But I got a key to bethe opener, and it really bothered her

that she wasn't being entrusted with thekey, and I was the key to
the meats. I was waiting,you know, for customers to come,
and we're getting close to lunch rushand my buddy's there and we're just chatting
as you know, I'm a manin the front, all the preps done
and back and she comes out andshe goes, you'll have to leave,

Bill has work to do. AndI was like, the hell I do.
And I was like, screw you, I'm out. And so you
quit. Because of that, Iwas like, I mean, it wasn't
a job that I really wanted anyway. I was kind of like done with
it. But it was one ofthose things where I was like, oh,
she's because there was a bunch ofother little like petty things she would

always do, and I knew shewouldn't quit, and I knew that if
I quit, she would be screwedbecause it was just me and her.
And so I got a call fromthe manager or like the owners. They're
like, we would love for youto come back, and I was like,
I'll come back if Krin's gone,and they're like, we can't do
that. I was like, allright, I've I've quit every job I've

ever had, but not in abad way, like I've never quit a
job and not had another one linedup. I mean, I guess i've
I've I left. Yeah, whenwhen I got the job in Pittsburgh,
I was leaving my my radio stationin Kalamazoo, Michigan. But I don't
think of that as like quit,that's you quit. Yeah, but I
was. But I was at theend of my contract anyway, the timing

worked out. Still quit, theywould have brought you back. They would
have brought you back. The firstjob I ever had, I was working
under the table at a tanning slot. I got fired from that job.
That's the only job I've ever beenfired because they couldn't get you out from
under the table. Well that andor out of the tanning bed while I
was working. They were like,you can't do this. There's people here,

you got you gotta stop working here. Man, that's like hot.
But because you barely see tanning placesanymore, because most of them went out
of business because the girls were justtanning all the time. I was sixteen,
right, that's high well, andI was this is twenty years ago,
you know what I mean. SoI'm like, screw this, I'm
gonna nobody's in here. I'm ona tan. I'm gonna do my homework.
I worked at a tan. It'swhat every one of those girls does.

So I got fired from that job. And then I started working at
a country club, and then Iquit working at the country club to work
an American Eagle. And I didthat all throughout high school and then even
summers in college. And I didn'tquit that until I got the bartending gig,
and then I moved back to Cleveland. So a lot of mine revolve

around moving where It's like, hey, I don't live here anymore, so
I obviously can't work here. Iguess I've quit a couple of jobs.
I was really drunk when we wereplaying this game. So now in the
cold light a day it's coming tome that I've I guess when you just
move on to a different gig inthis business, that's quitting. When you're
like, hey, I'm not goingto work here anymore. Right, it
doesn't have to be some big show. I guess I've absolutely never gotten to
do the big show thing. Yeahyeah, or angrily quit. I guess

that's what I think of people like, you know, we'll take off their
apron and slam it to the groundand say y out of here. So
when you when you get fired ata Tanner, do do they like,
you know, hand over your bronzer, No, and your return that sunshine.
It's like I'm going to need yourbadge and your gun and it's just
bronzer and they take it all overoff, that's right. Yeah, No,

they they just stop scheduling me becauseI would call in like let's I
don't remember the exact days. Well, let's say I would call in Friday
night and they would tell me whatdays they needed me the following week.
So they'd be, Okay, weneed you next Monday, Wednesday, Saturday
from four to ten yep. Andthen that's when I would go in.
So it was like three weeks ina row that I called and like,

no, we don't need you,We don't need you. And then the
third week I was like, issomething going on? Like is something wrong?
And then the lady was like,yeah, we're gonna let you go.
Like you just you're not a verygood employee, so you're not gonna
work here anymore. So it waslike, well, you didn't quit that.
No, I said, that's theonly job I've been fired from.
Oh oh, I say, yeah, that's the only job I've been fired
from. And then I yeah,And then I moved on to different retail

jobs, and then after bartending,the last bartending job I quit was to
take this job that I quit.I was working too. I was working
at The Winking Lizard and House ofBlues, and I quit both of them
to come here and do stand up. Hmm. So Allen was Bill near
the fight at the game on Saturday. Oh, I didn't see that.

I did not see the fight Channelnineteen video. You were way up.
Sometimes the heat makes you do strangethings. A wild fight at the Guardians
game last night. Lee's fans shockedand it was as you see all on
camera, and of course it wasbuzzing on social left zero people shocked by

the way a fight at the ballgame when it's one hundred degrees. Yeah,
left this by centers shocked it didUh No, that was Bill was
there on the Saturday That was Yeah, he like hits the guy in the
top of the head like a cartoonand the guy just flops on his ass

on the step there. Yeah,there are a couple of grey goate balding
dudes in Guardians jerseys and they hadtoo much to drink and and then they
fight. That's right, So yougot fired from Blockbuster, the upscale restaurant

in the hotel. Well, see, that's what I'm saying. We were
playing this game. I was thinking, you know, I've been doing this
for so long that I'm like neverBut yeah, you're right. I guess
now that to think about it,I've quit plenty. I've quit a lot
of jobs on Saturday night. Yeah, quit this one right now. I'm

not going to do that today.No, I won't do that. I
would love to. I'd love todrive off into the sunset, but I
have too many responsibilities. Mary.I've got children, I've got a wife.
Okay, don't tell her. It'sreally going to go south. She
knows. Hi, boy, I'lltell you what. I'm sure that there's

a third celebrity somewhere who died.One of the Pirates of the Caribbean died,
some pro not one of the mainguys, but that's one of his
credits. Oh, guy from Piratesof the Caribbean died. It's like a
pro surfer who played one of thepirates. I don't know, but he
died in a shark attack. What'shis name? I don't know. Google
Pirates of the Caribbean, Shark attack. It'll come up. It's like a

Samoan name or something. But thewoman who, uh, the Latin American
margin Io Perry there you go,wouldn't even know if it was different.
Uh, the Latin American Marge Simpsonhas passed away. A woman the voice
the voice of Marge Simpson in LatinAmerica, dubbing Marge on The Simpsons to

Spanish for Latin American audiences is awoman named Nancy McKenzie. Boy, I
wouldn't have picked that one out,but she voiced Marge Simpson for many years.
She was eighty one, that's howold. Julie Kavner sounds now.
By the way over there in TheSimpsons, and listen, when you've had
a cast on on one show forthirty years, thirty plus years, people's

voices are gonna sound different. Buta lot of the voices on that show
don't sound that different. Harry ShearersBurns is different because whatever. But Julie
Cavner, Jesus Christ, Homer stillsounds pretty similar. Yeah, castling that
is still killing as sounds good.Here's a little bit of Nancy McKenzie dubbing

The Simpsons into Spanish. That's stillpretty good. March, Yeah, because
that was Homer, right, noneof that. That's when she tells Jesus.
That's when she tells Remember when shetells Lisa, Oh, somebody's getting

a little chunky. And then Lisa'shead explodes because she Marge puts her own
stuff onto her is a body showing. Episode later, Lisa hears her voice
like shrung. So the Marge Simpson, the woman who dubbed it into Spanish
for many, many years, isgone. And then a guy named Tony

Cakes is dead. And I wouldlove to think that this was planned,
because it would make for a great, great story, but I don't think
it was planned. It's just anamazing I'm gonna come out and say coincidence,
an amazing coincidence that a former mobboss in the Genovese crime family in

New York, right, one ofthe Big Five, a guy whose name
was Anthony Conigliano care. He waseighty six years old and for a long
time he was the boss. Hewas Tony Cake's a Tony the dessert man.
They called him Tony Cakes because fora long time, for a long

time he comes. I don't donothing but squats. You get, set
your drink on it away. Russiandeadlift is the exercise and the killing Tony
Cake. No, it's because hislegit business was a cake business. He

was selling Italian ices. In July. Anyway, this guy gets hit by
a New York Department of Transportation truck. He was crossing an intersection and something
happened and the truck hit him anddecapitated and set his head like yards away

from the rest of his body.And obviously they don't know he's an old
guy. And then the ida himas Tony Cakes. They said they must
have been flying if they get capitatedlike that's crazy. So the driver was
inconsolable. Anthony Canigliaro, known byTony Cakes, died in an accidental hit

by a City Department of Transportation truckpaid UD plowed into him at a Brooklyn
crosswalk. And he's the former actingcaptain for the Genoves crime family. I
wonder when he was a big dealbecause a lot of these old guys,
you know, if they lived longenough to not you know, the mafia

is not what it once was.But I mean these guys, a lot
of them, you know, diedin the hospital. If they didn't die
in prison, then he might havebeen in and out. Who knows but
Tony Cakes. But imagine if thathad been a plan to hit. I
mean, they're not going to probablygo after an eighty six year old guy
at this point, but imagine ifthey had paid they just run him over,

right, I put a scare intohim, turnt well. And does
he even have a case because hewas walking when you don't walk, that's
right, Yeah he was. Yeah, So like you know, all the
articles were like he spent us wholelife looking over his shoulder. Buddy looked
both ways before he crossed the intersection ninety second in Dahlgren Place, where

he was fatally struck. He wasa kind, gentle, soft spoken guy,
always trying to help people. It'sgot to be nice to be you
on his should, but it's it'sgotta be wild. It's got to be
wild to be like an elderly mafio. So when most people don't know you,
you know when you were ice pickingdudes in the alley and stuff where

they just know you as like theold guy from around the corner who was
a nice guy. But it's alsojust crazy anytime an eighty six year old
dies from my natural causes or likesomething, you know, just some health
reason. Like nobody expects to go, hey, I heard your crampa die.
What happened? He came on?Yeah, but that is natural causes,

I mean naturally naturally called inertia.If you got hit by a five
point fifty, naturally you're gonna die. But yes, that natural cause.
Everything is natural causes. You know, somebody dies of cancer, you can
still say they died of natural causes. You know, the truck didn't stop,

it hit him, that's natural,it's physics. Took his head clean
off. The bottom is clean.But you know, great Nick Swartz and
bit like what happened to your grandma. She flipped her vet. Yeah,
hey Woody Ellen, Yes, comeon armano loarim zone. Well done.

That's about all experience. I gotit. Oh good, okay, But
you're talking about getting fired from chops. I've only been fired once myself and
been broken up with that. It'sdid what? And it was like it
was a hot week like this,and we were tearing off Coultart pitch at

Fiberglass Roofs and I had been missinga few days and my foreman finbably said,
god damn it. Why why areyou only showing up three days a
week? And I said because Ican't afford to live on two. Yeah,
he did it like that. Imean what he did it? Take
that right? And that guy wasnever heard from again. What he hit

him with his truck and the guysaid, came clean off is like,
hey, whoa all right? Igotta break so our I p h Nancy
Mackenzie Latin American Marge, and uhwho knows where she went after that?
You know, Nancy Cart writes ascientologist, So when she dies voice of

Bart, you know she'll be takeninto the bosom of z. I have
to imagine let's not pretend any ofthis make sense. I don't understand any
of this. If the Hall acock show themms Dave Matthews Bandit Blossom Tomorrow

Night, anybody going on? ThenI haven't seen them in I'll sell them
once twenty five years ago been Foldstomorrow night. Oh Ben Folds Jacob's Pavilion.
No, Oh uh, Goodyear Theater. Oh you've got a hal ass
to ackron for Benfolds? All right, just himing a piano. Yep,
all right, paper airplanes. Soa handful of people have asked me if

I'm giving away Dave Matthews Band tickets. No, we did him a while
back. The show is tomorrow night. It will be the first time that
they are here as essentially a bandin the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
They're getting inducted in October. Theyare the only band to win the
fan vote and not get inducted.They were first nominated in twenty twenty and

they won the fan vote, Andthey were the first band since they started
doing the fan vote online to havethe fans say yes, but the Rock
and Roll Hall of Fame committee sayno. And they won the fans survey
a second time, they got almosta million votes, and so the Dave
Matthews Band will go into the Rockand Roll Hall of Fame. I think

the tickets for that, well,tickets for Dave Matthews are like seventy bucks
if you want to haul ask toBlossom tomorrow night. But the tickets for
the Rock Hall induction ceremony, nowthat it's at the Romo Fijo used to
be a public hall and now it'sat the Romo Fio. I think that
they've announced those are going to goon sale next month, pardon me.

And that's always very entertaining. Theyused to film it and chop it up
for HBO, but now they aerit live, so it's a very provided
they're still doing that. I don'tknow. Things change from year to year.
It's only here every three years.So the last time it was here
was Tina Turner got in and theGo Gos got in and who else?

Paul errold King. It was coolj but induct Yeah, talked about him
or inducted Embroy He's a surprise guest, is what it was. One of
the performances. Chappelle came out.Yeah, he inducted jay Z. There
you go. So I don't knowwho will induct the Dave Matthews Bam.

They haven't really dropped too much informationon that, but I always like to
know who's going to become in.And it is entertaining if you've never gone
to one of the rock Hall inductionceremonials. So much fun. It's a
long night. It is a longnight, but it was a very fun
night. They are shooting. They'refinally starting to roll tape on Superman a
couple of blocks over from us.I was walking around last week. I

met my wife and my daughter overthe public library and they were getting the
sets ready. They were transforming thestorefronts there on Superior in sixth to what
would be you know, background forMetropolis, so like you know, rewrapping
fire trucks and all those kinds ofprops. But now James Gunn is in

town and David korn Sweat is inthe Superman outfit, and they're over there
shooting. They're shooting down there,and they're shooting here somewhere out by NASA
or something. Right, they havelike big they have like a military barracks
set somewhere. Oh do they they'resupposed to be shooting right in front of
our suite in a couple of weekstoo. All right on Euclid, All

right, yeah, David Koran sweatis. I thought it was a British
guy because usually they get Brits toplay these American parts. Although you know
what, Superman only one he's uh, he's for everyone. Superman's only been
played by one British No, Imean in general, okay, they have.
They get a lot of British peopleto play a lot of I would

like for it to go the otherway. I would like them to cast
a guy from Nebraska to be JamesBond little tit for t I mean Robert
Downey Junior was Sherlock Holmes? Yes, did you do the voice? Yeah?
Yeah, it's okay. Yeah.I think they should be show their

authenticality and cast someone from Krypton AllenAnyWho, I think pretty well, Yeah,
you get out of here. You'rewith your lib tard ideas married because
I'm from the big city now I'mchained Metropolis, Metropolis. Yeah, I'm

changed now, I'll never go backto your backwards Ohio. Ways, all
right, two big time now veryfamous. Yeah, so the guy playing
Superman and then another actor playing misterTerrific are shooting over there on Superior.
What's mister Trifa. He's like abendy guy right stretching again. Yeah,

that's a plastic man. Oh,plastic man. What's mister trif? I
don't know. They have a blackactor playing him. I don't know if
that's what he was in the comicbooks. Yeah, okay, Michael Holt
the second character to take up themister Terrific mantle. All right, well
I don't know what his I don'tknow. You got to go really deep

into some DC comics to figure someof these things out. But they're over
there shooting, and that's got tobe very exciting for everybody involved. I
think the guy that plays the guythat plays mister Terrific in this movie shot
a movie here in Cleveland about tenyears ago. There was a Travolta movie

here that my wife worked on calledCriminal Activities. Jackie Earl Haley directed.
It was Michael Pitt was Travolta andthis other actor. So he's got you
know, he's like, oh,yeah, Cleveland, I've been here shooting
stuff before that. Criminal Activities wasa much much better movie than it should

have been or needed to be.I don't know if a lot of people
saw it. It was very welldone. All right, here's mister Terrific's
uh abilities. He is the thirdsmartest man in the world, the third.
Oh he got the smartest. Hegot the bronze for being smart.
Okay, he's a brilliant inventor,so if he was, if he was

first place, he'd be like misteroutstanding. Yes, this is just terrific.
Mister terrific he is despite having nopowers. His tea spheres, which
he's got these like poke balls thathe throws his what spheres, they're called
tea sphere tease fears make him invisibleto technology. And he is a member
of the Justice Society. Oh,come on, I thought Justice Society was

the really old one. Justice Societywas like there's like the Justice League and
then there's like the one that theyhad in the in the Golden Age.
Well like it was like but itwas a black Adam that in h of
Old James Bond played him, PierceBrosn Yeah, yeah, doctor Fate a

power man and right, that's whatthe society. That's why he's called mister
terrific because they had those super lamenames early on when they were coming up
with Yeah, you're talking like nineteenforties, right, Hawkman and Green Lantern.
That sounds like a guy that wouldlike introduce himself as that, like
a cringe finance bro Hello, misterTerrific. Yeah, I didn't give myself

that name. I understand crypto cards, you know, five dollars. This
isn't really worth five dollars, misterTerrific, the smartest man in the world.
Yeah, who are the other two? Yeah? Who cares? Mister
stupendous? Are there any women's parterthan you? Of course not? And
miss Amazing? Yeah? Who arethe girls in the jay? Actually,

I actually have an algorithm that proveswomen aren't funny solve for X. Yeah,
okay, mister Terrific, Well fantastic. And they're trying to get that,
trying to get the funding going forthat Superman's statue. You know,
all the new construction that they're doing, all these planned plausas over there on

the lakefront. They're hoping to havea Superman's statue as part of that.
Since the character was created here,that was that the Sherwin Williams building.
The new one over by Public Square. Yeah, that's like huge. I
don't know if I just didn't noticethat the last time I was in town.
They they made a big deal aboutit changing the Cleveland sky dies because

I was driving in today and itmade me notice Terminal Tower more because Terminal
talk. Again. I don't knowif I just didn't look at it when
I lived here, but I'm like, it kind of looks like a castle
on the top, like when you'redriving by. I was like, is
that a new castle building? Whatis that a new castle? I was
like, I guess I'm used toseeing it lit up at night, but
yeah, I was like, damn, that's sure when morning's building is huge.

Well, it would change your lifeto be a relatively unknown actor.
It's not like this is David cornSweat's first gig, but he was in
something that got him noticed. Idon't know if it was Bridgerton whatever,
that x Mooth No, what's thepearl Pearl? Yeah, David Corrington,
David corn Sweat, He's from Phillyand he's done a handful of things.

He looks like Superman, Yeah,he does. He looks. It's a
it's a good bit of but it'sgot to be great. When you get
a break in one of these franchisemovies, it's he another one who looks
hot and ripped and is actually little. Because that happens to me all the
time. I don't know, Okay, I don't know. Usually when they
get a Superman, they wanted tobe pretty tall. You can't have a

short Superman. It's tough to dowith short ste Every time I meet a
famous person that I'm like, ohmy god, he's hot, I'm like
five four, How did this happen? Why are you one hundred and eighteen
pounds? Like you gotta say skinnyto get the gigs. Man insane.
It can't be a chubby Superman.No, But you talk about like they

look, so they look because we'reseeing them twenty feet high, that's me.
And we're also seeing them next toninety two pounds actresses. So when
they weigh one hundred and thirty poundsand it's you know this, And the
superhero costumes have the muscles built in, not a lot of them. Well,
the Superman one does. It's paddingand stuff, and they you got

to get into shape. Yeah,they still get jack. Henry Cavell is
famously like crazy massive Uh, Davidcorn Sweat is six what fourth four?
Look at that? But it's gonnabe nice when you get on one of
these massive pictures of the huge budget. You know, you just there's pictures
of them, because Cleveland dot COM'sgot a bunch of pictures of them shooting.

And you know when they yell cut, you just walk over and somebody
just holds an umbrella over you becauseit's really hot. You need some shade,
maybe your assistant. I like howthey say uh in this headline acted
actor David corn Sweat seen in downtownCleveland on set of rumored Superman movie Rumored?

Does it still say that that's whatrumor Superman? What else? He's
just hanging out? I mean onwhat set he's wearing full Superman everywhere he's
wearing a Superman suit. But justa rumor that this movie's movement as rumors
go. Well, Cleveland dot comthey've they've got a bunch of filming begins
on side of Superman in downtown Cleveland, June twenty four. That's today.

That is today. Yeah, theygot all the sudden done last week and
they started shooting today. Because I'veseen all these different buses lined up over
on West Huron. I wonder ifthose are gonna being used for Metropolis buses.
Probably, Yeah, there's photos ofthem red decaling, some either real
or prop fire engine trucks and thingslike that. I just remember moving back

when I moved back home to workin six they were shooting The Dark Knight,
yeah in Chicago, and I rememberwalking up. I hadn't gotten an
apartment yet, so they still putme up in a hotel. And most
there were two or three streets southof the River and the Loop that were
just lined with Gotham props. Therewere a huge table I mean literally,

I was walking by prop tables.I mean we're talking like four thirty in
the morning, and they have theyhave set security, but there wasn't a
guy near me. And I'm walkingnothing, but I'm walking past these long
eight foot tables full of like propguns. And there's Gotham Police Department squad
cars there and tool belt utility belt. No, I wasn't gonna take anything.

I would. They got money,they'll replace it. It's not the
only one. There's cameras that whatam I I'm gonna take? Hey,
I lifted a movie prop on thetable that movie's huge. You didn't know
what his name was, gonna die, Heath Ledger, you would have stole
some of the pencil that he shovedthat guy's eye into. He sell for

two billion dollars. I guess I'mnot that guy. I'm not the steal
of prop off the table guy.You just don't even think about your future.
It's ridiculous. And knowing me,i'd there'd be a guy right there.
I didn't see. And what areyou doing? Nothing? Yeah?
Nothing, not that guy. Hello, I can hear you, Clem Fandango.

Yes, I can hear you.Yes, Allen, God damn it,
Clem Fandango, I can hear you. Alan, birthdays are merely symbolic
of how another year's gone by andhow little we've grown. No matter how
desperate we are that someday a betterself will emerge. With each flicker of

the candle on the cake, weknow it's just not to be inevitably,
irretably happy birthday. No such thing, no such thing as happy birthday.

So Jerry's trying not to be funny. Thank you, Matt good callback,
Alan, Lex Luthor and Bruce Wayneare smarter than mister Terrific. So you're
probably the fourth what please not evenEllen go deep into your comic book collection.
Oh that's right, you on abit. I'm getting trolled now on

my comic book collection getting stolen notoel. Yeah right. They were shooting over
by Lutheran Hospital last night. Yeah, okay, that's fine. Well,
there's a lot of people who apparentlyare hip to the Mister Terrific lore.
But I'm curious how he So isthis a Superman set? Then? Is
it set in the forties? No, it's nothing so because mister Terrific is

one of those characters that's a Goldenage character. But they can always bring
people back, especially if he's ayou know, but like they haven't been
doing that with villains. That's whyI wondered if this was like a is
he a villain prequel? Well?No, but I mean, like,
but this is because this is alsogoing to have Lex Luthor in it.
Yeah, and I think he's gonnaThere's also I feel like a good chance

that James Gunn will bring characters likethat in because he can build an emotional
attachment to them in the movie andthen kill him. Okay, that's what
he does. He just knows hedoes tell a story. Who's Luther in
this One's not Nicholas? Yeah,I think it is it Nicholas Holts and
Nicholas. I think it is NicholasHolt. Okay, he was already an

X Man and he's in a nosFeratu movie coming out. They had men
or Headline shut down all this week. That's where I was thinking, that's
where they set up the military barrackssets out there. I liked Kevin Spacey's
Lex Luthor, I'll say it.I don't know if he was deadling people
on the set, but that wasI thought. I thought Superman Returns was

an underrated movie. That dude wentout and played him. Brandon Routh played
him in a TV show. Theydidn't recast him in the movie, but
they're like, yeah, even playingon TV. Yeah, i'd be on
the c W. Yeah. Whathappened is Smallville? Is this salon a
long time ago? But that wasdifferent. That was Tom Welling. What's

his name? Tom? What thatwas? Or did he make enough money
that he doesn't have? This isnot him in Smallville? It was him.
Now, all these guys do likecomic cons and things. Tom Welling
was in a draft day. Yeah, he's done. Oh my god,
he looks so old. He isit was twenty years ago. Oh this

isn't my Superman hashtag not my Supermanall right, Oh my gosh, I
guess yeah, he was probably whatnineteen twenty How old is he when he
was doing this? Probably mid twenties. Yeah, but it was on the
c W right, I mean along time. Yeah. We didn't have
cable, so we watched Smallville likeif it was on every night or once.

We did not miss an episode ofSmallville. I watched like the first
like four or five seasons pretty religiously. I liked it. Two thousand and
one to twenty eleven, Yeah,that was pretty much the whole time that
I was living at home sixth gradeto senior year, well actually into college.

They renamed it Lex Lutheran Hospital.I got it. Thank you for
that. It's fantastic, Mister fantastic, miss mister terrific. Oh sure,
he's the four smartest man in theworld. You think he's the Fox.
He's the third smartest man in theworld. The official show of those weirdos

who ride shotgun with their bare feeton the dashboard. You're a weirdough but
let's do this on one seven willumms. There are seventeen thousand golf courses

in America. They average over onehundred and fifty acres apiece. That's three
million plus acres and twenty square miles. You could build two Rhode Islands and
a Delaware for the homeless on theland currently being wasted on this meaningless,
mindless, arrogant, elitist racist.That's another thing. The only black schoo
I'm in country clubs are carrying traysand a boring game, baring game for

boring people. Do you ever watchgolf on television? It's like watching flies.
Fuck, they had more protests thistime on the golf course. I
love this stuff. I love whenpeople. I love when they're running out
on baseball fields. I love whenthey're running out during golf events. I
love when these kids go off halfcocked, maybe fully cocked. I don't

know a girl wearing a T shirtthat says no golf on a dead planet.
Climate change protesters they're out in force, and again, I gotta change
anything. But you know, alittle too little, too late. But
it was the Travelers Championship, ScottieScheffler. Isn't this the guy who got

arrested a while ago, and likethey were all freaking out because they thought
he was gonna jail or something kindto get to the UH tournament and a
cop arrested him. But he's like, hey, that's the guy in the
tournament. He's like in the leadright now. Yeah. But was he
speeding or trying to get away orsomething or no he was. I think
he was just like driving on theburm or whatever. Oh, nothing like

crazy. Oh I thought they gotit, just like trying to get there.
Yeah. Well I thought once theygot him he put some big yeah.
Well you know, listen, whatdo they always say, Hey,
just comply? Yeah, hey comply. I think it'd be fine if you
just comply. Scotty Scheffler, whoeveryou are. I don't pay attention to

golf. I know this guy's abig deal, I think, right,
I don't know. I couldn't careless about golf. But they draw a
huge, huge crowd, and that'swhat protesters are looking for. You got
to get out in front of alot of people. Now, you're certainly
not going to change any minds ata golf event, but you gotta love
the moxie. I love it.The still shots. Look at this cops

grabbing this girl, buzzed head,no golf on a dead planet, they
got four cops. The good albumtitle King's X early work, I believe,
and just out there letting people knowwhat's up. I love it.

They ran a muck that's how theydescribed it, but it didn't really a
little stoppage in play, but itdidn't screw anything up. I think if
you're going to get out there,you should start to f some things up.
That's my point. Like you're gonnaget arrested, bring a shovel,
you know, I get a posthole digger and get out there, because

then they can't play, you knowwhat I mean? These people who just
run out there with a T shirton them, Like you need to be
doing more destruction than this. Well, that's what I'm saying. It's one
thing because you know you're gonna getpinched and you might get pull a trespassing
charge, but they aren't so committedthat they want to grab a destruction of
public property charge. And I say, listen, these are probably huh right,

destruction of private pre either way,sure private public. These are probably
kids who come from well to dofamilies, and so mom and dad can
probably take care of things, andso there's very very little real cost to
them. This was in Connecticut.Oh boy, we've got a whole group

of protesters here and they've been tackledon the ground on the green. Well,
theyst have responded quickly, but we'vegot I see four protesters. They
just came flying down the hill outof the gallery. I know golf was
created in Scotland, right, justI think they're celebrating the cops tackling.

That's a very American thing, right, yes, state power. Yeah,
So protesters ran out of the green. They had spray paint and they were
throwing flares and the crowd just wantedto see some golf. No one had
their balls disturbed. The placement didn'tchange, of course, where CBS had

to cut the crowd mics because theyall started chanting a holes see or even
that, like okay, no onehad the balls weren't moved. Then bring
four dozen balls and just ship themeverywhere. Nobody knows what's what. You're
disrupting anything. You're not going tochange anyone's mind, So have some fun
with it. Listen, you're probablygoing to jail anyway, Yeah, do

something about it. Yes, don'tmake it a hollow statement. Take any
hollow enough. All right, takea bunch of axiatives and poop on the
green everywhere. They can't continue toplay if you disrupt it, like poop
everywhere. That's what I'm saying.It looks like there's a lot of it.

Looks like some diarrhea that I've holdthere. Frank, you really wanted
to mess things up. You geta bunch of gophers. Yeah, and
then start playing Kenny Logan's music andthat them gophers are gonna be dancing,
and people would be like, wehave to return this to nature because look
how cute these gophers are. Youwant me to kill the golphers the golfers.

Excuse me, but it isn't killingthe golphers gonna cause some problems.
The golfers kill the golfers. Goteven seen caddy shack in a long time.
Yeah, So throw some diarrhea downthe ninth hole and you know,
to the pool. You gotta pullyour you gotta pull your ball out,

and it's gonna be covered in pooh. Yeah, you're already gonna get scooped
up. They're gonna throw you ina squad car. They're gonna charge you
with something and make it good.I mean, even what do they charge
you with with diarrhea on the ninthhole? I don't know neither dirt hole
on the hole. But I meanthere's to your point, there's so many

more things they could be doing,because running out there with flares and they're
pulling their punches is what they're doing. These are probably the same people that
spray the orange stuff on Stonehenge,right, at least that left the mark.
Yeah, it just hose it off. Of course, where do you
hook up a hose at Stonehenge?The sprinkler natural cornflower paint that washes off

the washing, so they just gotto wait for it. Terrain, What
do you care about enough that youwould do this protest? Like? Yeah,
like knowingly you probably get arrested,disrupt the piece. Well, what
do you care about? Oh?No? When I was in college,
people were protesting the Gulf War.For instance, I was in college when

the Gulf War broke out, andpeople were wrapping their pants because obviously anytime
you're in college and a war breaksout, which is usually the rumors start
to go around that they're going toreinstate the draft, right, and it
never comes to anything, obviously,But that's what people were protesting when I
was in college, but I didn'tsee people getting there. Seemed to be

more of the understanding that, well, there's gonna be protests on campus.
You don't have to get in thereand start breaking skulls, right, it's
baked into the cake. Now Irealized this isn't on a college campus,
but even now on college campuses,and this is the concern that a lot
of people have is that they immediatelycall the cops in or they roll in,

you know, to get these It'slike, that's what you're supposed to
be doing in college. You're likenot really well informed on whatever issue you're
protesting, but enough where you canget out. That's what you're supposed to
be doing. But that wasn't me. I'm not that guy. I was
too busy working. But I can'timagine. I can't imagine. I guess

something, but I wasn't. Whatwould fifty eight year old Alan protest?
I'm not fifty eight, Mary,Well, when was your birthday? How
old did you turn? I'm fiftythree years old. Happen I don't remember.
But I'm not fifty eight. That'sthe important part. I can't tell
you what fifty eight year old Alanwill be doing in five years. But

I don't know. I don't knowif there's anything I care about that much.
Well, but you also, italso kind of comes around to what
is the issue of your day?Right? What else where? Like how
effective is the protest going to be? Well, I mean, most protests
don't do anything, but there's nothingbut the But civil disobedience I think is

a very well, it's a fundamentalpart of American life, quite frankly,
but it's also it can be instructivein getting information out there. But if
people were just trying to call attentionto the fact that the climate is changing
rapidly, that'd be one thing.There were climate change protests when I was
in college thirty years ago. Didn'tdo anything. Then, I don't do

anything now. You were in collegewhen you were forty is a nice Yeah,
you know you could you could justas easily be doing this on camera
in New York. But there's avibe. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

I'm gonna call you on your fiftythird birthday from my hospital bed. You're
gonna be dead now outlive everybody?Are you talking about Wanly the good die
young baby. I feel like oneof my family members would have to have
been kidnapped or something for me towhat are you protesting kidnapping? Don't kidnap
people. I'd like run out andbe like, help me find them.

I mean, that's not a protestthat you on the news going, my
sister's been kidnapped, Please find her. I checked her OnlyFans and she was
nowhere to be found. She hasn'tspreader cheeks and weeks. Yeah, yep,
so yeah, I get some gophersout there or something. But I

love when those kids run out thereand they're screaming something, and you know,
you go back to like people whowere protesting the Vietnam War. And
that's why the response to these kindsof protests now seems so out of whack.
Protests by and large, on campusor otherwise are exceedingly peaceful compared to

what, oh, no, kidshave tents on the quad, you know,
compared to what was going on whenpeople were protesting the Vietnam War,
Like they were bombing like buildings andstuff, they were occupying buildings on campus,
off campus, you know, theywere bombing like police stations and stuff
or draft board offices. And I'mnot saying that's the way to go,

but I'm just saying comparatively to nowwhere you got a bunch of kids chanting
and holding signs. Uh, they'reallowed to do that, right, of
course they're allowed to do that.Well, is there rules because it's like
a private property or something like youcan only protest in public? But that's
always but it's always No, it'salways been that protest on campus, Like

that's when you're supposed to do this. I'm saying, can they catch them
on a technicality? I'm sure theycan. A lot of these universities now
they don't want anything to do withthis. I mean, again, it
all goes back to money, butthey don't have anything to do with it.
But that's what college is supposed tobe. Okay. So what if
one of your kids got swooped up? One of your kids is going out
and got a T shirt and gluingtheir hands to the floor of the basketball

game. How would you respond tothat? I give to Michigan State,
Like, how would you handle that? I deal with it? Why would
want all the information? What wouldyou congratulate them as you say, you
love stuff like this, would yoube like, good job if it was
something that they felt compelled to do. Yeah, if it was something that
they felt strongly enough about and feltcompelled to do in good faith, Yeah,

that's them. I mean, myson's going to be twenty four at
Christmas. My daughter turns twenty thisweek coming weekend. They're adults. So
yeah, they're adults. But that'swhen you're supposed to be out there doing
stuff because you are by design bythe way, people go, oh,

college kids, you're in a bubble. They don't know how the world.
Yeah, that's the point, thepoint you're supposed to be. You're supposed
to be in a bubble. Wouldit make more of an impact if it
were fifty year olds doing this?Would it make more of an impact if
it were fifty year olds? Yeah, I don't know. If people were
like Trump rallies, some of theprotesters that I've seen, like, I

think one of the guys that wasdoing the uh hate one at Stone Change,
I think he is an older guy. But I mean, you're always
gonna have old hippies or old peoplethat are part of the cause. But
I'm just saying like Trump rallies,those are just old people protesting. They
don't know about what, but that'swhat that's what that is, right.
Things aren't the same as they werewhen they were, not how they actually

remember. I guess my question ismore like, would this be effective if
all the members of a fortune fivehundred company went out and slept intents on
the ground. I can't even imaginethat hypothetically. Do you get what I'm
saying? Like, would that actuallymove the needle on Hey, what are
we doing in Palestine type of thing? No? Because no, because the
the hoy PELOI don't have any kindof sympathy for Fortune five hundred CEOs.

No more done I think than youknow, millions of people. That's what
I mean. If this whatever companyloses millions of dollars because all of their
employees are outside yelling, that wouldn'tmake someone do something instead of college kids
who don't have jobs anyway, Ifemployees of a company were outside protesting.

That happens all the time. Imean, employees going strike all the time.
Employees go we but they go onstrike for their own benefit. Yeah,
we want to unionize what they're doing? It and the company goes you're
all fired. Yeah, So I'msaying, what if they do it for
a global cause. If everyone whowere what's a fortune five hundred company,
I don't even know, if everyonewho works for Meta was like, we're
not working today, we are notdoing anything until we draw attention to this,

or Meta would be like, okay, we'll put a badge and you
can temporarily change your profile picture tolet's leave the world for two weeks and
then we'll donate. If everybody,well, you're never going to get everybody
to do it. But I'm saying, like, if all your employees and
you're just bleeding money because nobody's working. If they're not bleeding money, they

would be. If nobody was workingfor a week and people nobody domestically you
mean, yeah, yeah, wellthey go, oh, people in India
work double time. They got peopleall around the world. If you're talking
about tech companies, people all aroundthe world. I'm just talking about the
most the companies that have the mostmoney, which I would assume means they
have a bigger pull. You meanif Walmart employees stood out in the parking

lot and said, we're not working, all of them every Walmart. Yeah,
Walmart. I go, oh,we're hiring people lining up to go
work a Walmart and they'd have aninflatable rat outside and you know it's scream
scab and most people walked in.But people will still be using self checkout,
right, So there's no way tofix it. Pretty to fix what

anything more or climate change or wellthe climate change. That ship is sailed.
I mean that's you know, ifwe were going to do something,
it should have been a long timebefore now. But people are you know,
lazy and confused. Oh and it'snot just that people are lazy and
confused. People feel helpless because thereal problems aren't even getting addressed, like

we talked about last week, wherefactory farming is a huge issue and it
ain't changing, no, because corporationsfor decades now have made have put the
onus on people instead of what theyshould be doing. It's a distract,
right, it's straws, it's yourgrocery bags, it's recycling your stuff.
Right, So people are understandably callingbowl shrimp on a lot of that stuff.

When I'm a billionaire, I'll makea difference. You just you wait,
what what's the first what will beyour first. Is that a side
that you don't think I'll help,or that you don't think I'll be a
billionaire because a little of both.I don't think you'll be a billionaire,
and when you are a billionaire,you will be. If you make it

to being a billionaire, it's gonnabe because you are so greedy that you
are not going to help. That'snot true. If I make it to
be a billionaire, it's going tobecause I won a hundred what what fellow
to your lap? You mean no, No, I'm gonna win the mega
millions three? I mean it fellin. Yeah, that's how many would
take to be a billionaire. CanI call you a billionaire if that happened?

Guys, I want to be oneof a billion and so freaking bed
Have you ever been impregnated with excitement? Well, it looks like you're showing
welcome back to your new daddy,Allan Cox. I'm w mms. Your

Cleveland Guardians are set up to playto night. They're in Baltimore, Maryland,
verst of three tonight against the Orioles. That is a six oh five
start, So we'll get out acouple of minutes early tonight make way for
that pregame there tonight tomorrow night andwhen Wednesday six oh five starts. Guardians

Orioles live from where they play,Camden Yards. Yeah, this is gonna
be a tough series. The Oriolesare very good, very good team right
now, second in the East andthey're on a hot street too. Yeah
they are. They playing well now. The Guardians still have two fewer losses
than the Orioles, but otherwise prettyevenly matched teams. So it should be

a good time. Uh. ComedianMary Santora is in studio with us today.
What what's up? Oh, bythe way, since July starts next
week, we'll be out next week. But July does begin Monday, which
means there'll be a new promo codefor you to use all month long at

cle Clothing Company Fireworks. You've gotsix days remaining to use the word cardinal
at cl Clothing Company for June.It gets you twenty percent of whatever you
buy whenever you buy it. Doit in one of their stores you're walking
around. If you're a more tactileshopper, you do it that way.
If you shop online, just usecardinal at checkout twenty percent off and then

the new word will begin on Monday. It's not firework freedom. Uh,
it's not freedom stripes flag. You'regetting warmer eagle, stars bars star Yeah,
Star star Star is the way you'regonna want to You're gonna want to

use the word star for twenty percentoff at c L E. Clothing the
company. It's gonna kick a littleass, gonna kick some mess and you
wissy. You're gonna climb mountain andsow a flag of a fly on an
eagle. I'm gonna kick someone.I'm gonna try to make chuck on the
rules world. I'm gonna kick somemasks something, kick a little less flaggady

mount so they're playing the Guardians gamewhen they come back. Kick a little
ass. There's anybody. Uh,there's an Instagram account called only in Dade,
and I think that it's the DadeCounty Sheriff's Department to post these things
only in dayde or Hernandez does stufffor them for Alien daid only in Doe.

That's how I read it every singletime. You never heard of Dade
County in Florida. That's where Miamiis, right, Okay, Well,
anyway, somebody vandalized a parking lotful of Tesla's cyber trucks. Yes,
they wrote f Elon on the hoodof all these, and people were dunking

on Elon Musk. I don't knowwhy I feel bad for the place selling
the cyber truck, you know,not that Yeah, but I don't have
isn't there a place you can gothat will sell you like a used cyber
truck or something truck? But Idon't. I mean, there's definitely not

this many you cybertricks? Are thisunsold Tesla? Well, yeah, because
don't they Again, I don't knowanything about buying them, but they there
are used cyber trucks all over theinternet because once people get these and they
go, oh, this kind ofsucks. I want to get rid of
it. But my understanding is thatTesla makes it prohibitively difficult to turn around

and sell your cyber truck. Likesomehow he's it's it's in the fine print
that I don't even know how itworks. You know. The thing with
the Elon Musk is that everything hesays it rarely makes sense, and so
you don't know how this thing actuallyworks. I'm sure people who have purchased
one, there's a handful of themaround Northeast Ohio. Yeah, it's got

a no resell clause in the thing. I don't know how you can inform
if I'm buying it's your vehicle,it's my car. I can do whatever
I want with it. Auto Tradersgot them, car Gurus has got them.
They're all in Like the one fiftyrange for a used cyber truck all
wheel drive twenty twenty four cyber Beast. This lady riveral on TikTok that I

saw because they were trying to showwhy a cyber truck is the perfect family
car, and they were doing likea tour like oh the One of the
things the lady said is that thelarge trunk space closes and keeps it dry
from rain. But then the ladywas stitching it every step of the way
going through her minivan, it waslike she drives like a Honda Element,

and she's like, are you You'reout of your mind if you think that
that is better for a family thana minivan. At the very end,
the lady says something about the waythat you look like a badass trapping your
kids off, and the lady goesseat seven, You'll never look like a
badass in front of your kids everagain. Yeah, Well, anyway,
somebody somebody spray painted the the felon and I'll show you a little bit

of video if you're watching the livestream of the Yeah, there's just like
an empty parking lot where their storyand cyber trucks on the only in days
ago. But yeah, so thef elon all over the hood and the
doors and whatever. And listen,these are out in the open. So

somebody who doesn't like to cut hisjib and has got a can of crying
on, they're just gonna jump thething there. So Mary Santora and the
only in Dotte account is where you'regonna want to find that. I was
every time I said it. Isaid it like Pipole says Dolly. F

Elon Musk all over. And tobe fair, a lot of people have
f to Elon Musk. He justhad his twelfth kid. Could you imagine
letting that guy climb on top ofyou. Well, he's got a lot
of money, and that's got tobe you know, people have to have
dollar signs in their eyes, sweatyweird body, his third child with one

of the execs, with his neurlinkcompany. I guess when you own the
company, you don't have to worryabout HR or any power dynamics or anything
like that. It's the company youown. I'm sure that he I'm sure
it's no issue for them because heprobably says, well, this is a
separate company and she's not a subordinate. But if she works for your company.

Chavon zillis his third child with thiswoman, bringing the number to twelve.
I do not. This is aguy who brags about sleeping in his
office. You think he's changing diapers. I mean, he's got picks of
him with these children. And ifyou find a woman who's willing to have

more than one child with him,obviously these women are gonna know him better
than any of us would. That'swhat I mean. Is it just about
money, Well, what else isit about? I mean, the guy
to that person for eighteen years,Yes, but that's there are a lot
of poor people who are tethered togetherfor eighteen years. At least. This
guy's rich. Yeah, And I'msure they think he's a genius. And

I'm sure that there's probably some thoughtof passing that alleged genius on to these
children. Someone's gotta like him,is my point of people who like him.
Yeah, like these women probably arelike actually, I'm sure, I'm
sure that there are. I don'tthink it's against their will. No,

but there's nobody having twelve kids who'slike a great dad, you know,
because if you're a great dad,you go, well, I want to
focus on a couple kids. Iwant to have fun with them. You
know, Hillbillies have twelve kids allthe time. Dead mm is that true?
Ah well, I take you afair get your wristband right all day

baby. Well but yeah, well, first of all, I don't understand
having that many children to begin with, so you lose me from the there's
so many studies about how having morethan two children is like kids are automatically
like not getting as much attention asthey should. I'm sure for Elon Musk

it's like a football player or arapper. I'm sure it's an ego thing.
It's a full on machismo ego thing. Look at all these kids I
have, because I mean the guy, you know, he's like a melted
candle and a T shirt, soyou know, but he's got twelve kids
now, and it's your life.Do whatever you want. But these kids

are coming well, like, differentwomen are having kids of his within one
or two months of each other.So it's like the guy's never heard of
condoms or something thing. He justleaves it in here. Huh, why
would he care? He's got millionsand millions and millions of dollars to pay
out to have anybody take care ofhis kids. But who wants to.

I don't care how much money you'vegot. Why do you want to deal
with all these baby mamas? Whatdo you want to deal with all the
people? Well, he doesn't.He probably is like, listen, you're
gonna deal with your old pair.You're not gonna contact me. You're gonna
get your check every month, andI'll come by when I want to.
If you're saying he's not a gooddebt, well, listen, clearly there

are many women who have been finewith whatever the fine print says. Because
I'm sure there's paperwork involved in this. Oh yeah, you can't resall a
cyber truck. You think he's justgonna willy nilly leave it in people,
Well, people have done dumber thingsthan that. They put way more focus
on ridiculous details than the things thatactually matter. He had his twelfth kid

a couple of months ago. Thatwas one month before another woman had one
of his kids. He's had acouple with Grimes, that singer. This
is a guy, you know,Elon Musk is another one of these guys
who buys into all that collapsing birthrate nonsense. And so, yeah,

birthrates are down, but this notionthat it's collapsing around the world, and
he's going to be the guy who'sright. He's building it. Yeah,
he's building a team of children thatwill grow up and you know, try
to go to Mars or whatever.And he gives them all stupid names.
So these kids are going to growup, you know, with plenty of

money for therapy. But Grimes islike suing him over these kids. So
even if you have a decent relationshipwith the mom and the kids are also
small, I don't you know.I think his oldest daughter like completely wants
nothing to do with him. Wouldshe's trans or something like that. Well,

I mean even with somebody who iseven with somebody who's a complicated person,
if you have a bunch of kids, some of them are gonna like
yeah, love average says, halfof them are gonna dig you the other
half are not going to and youknow there's been tragedy along the way.
You know, he's lost I thinkhe lost one to SIDS about twenty years
back. But he was married.Justine Musk, his ex wife, was

like a legit normal person. Ithink, not that these other women aren't.
I don't know. I'm just sayingthat they might got married because they
were in love. Somebody looking atElon Musk and is like, that's the
guy. It can't just be thatif he was just regular, you know,
guy you met in a bar,wasn't rich, wasn't a fake genius,

you wouldn't give the guy a secondlook. But he's not that guy,
and now he's got twelve kids.So it's probably an ego thing.
It's probably you know whatever, youget a lot of photo ops when you
have a bouncing kid on your knee. You know, you could wear a
Children or the Future t shirt andput children on Mars whatever. So I

would think that, you know,if you're a young accomplished woman in whatever
field, because a lot of thesewomen I think were literally coworkers. Grimes
is a performer, you know,I would think that if you're a young
accomplished woman and you run into aguy like him, there probably is a
period of kind of being entranced byhim and enthralled by him. But that's
a far cry from letting him leaveit in And you're having his kids.

So that's where I'm cynical enough tobe like, well, that's where the
money comes in, and that's whereall the other stuff, all the you
know, the signed paperwork. You'reset for life, though, because I
guarantee what how much you think hepays a month in child support one hundred
thousand dollars for twelve kids? Youwould pay a hellle lot more than that.
What's kid though? Oh? Iknow? And frankly, if you're

a shareholder in Space or Tesla orNeuralink, you're like, bro, you
know it's gonna be cutting in hima dividend. This says, that's all
they care about. From December oftwenty twenty three, twenty thousand dollars a
month for eight of them. ToJustine, that does not seem like enough.

I don't know. Well, no, he went to Texas and they
cap it. Yeah, that's whathe wanted to pick up Tesla and move
it to Texas because it's gonna begreat for taxes and all that stuff.
And then everybody gets to Texas andthink, oh this sucks. But then
this set, Oh that's TikTok.That doesn't count. Never mind, this
is seven hundred and two million dollarsper month in child sport. There's no

way that's true. So all I'msaying is like everything trickles downhill. So
the more financial responsibilities this guy hasto his spawn, the more likely he's
gonna be like, well, let'ssee, how can I maximize my dollar.
I'll just tell everybody who works forme that they have to move to
Austin their fire that kind of stuff, right, because this guy can't either

the butterfly effect if people who believein that this guy's never heard of,
you know, this guy likes toleave it in and a result, you're
just somebody working for Tesla and nowyou've got to move to Austin. Great.
Cool, You're like in love andyou're like, I gotta move baby,
Why what happened? My boss gotanother chick pregnant? Yeah so you

have to move? Yeah yeah,Elon musk nutted and now I got to
pack my crap. You want CamraI want so it's like him and Nick
Cannon they might have some secret rivalrygoing. Yeah, it's a new bet

you can make on DraftKings, whichone of those is gonna end up with
more kids? What's the over underon Canon v? Musk kids? Right?
What is I think? Uh?He's got thirteen right now? Nick
Cannon? Right? Nick Cannon hasthirteen kids? Yeah, I think so.
Yeah, Alan, he don't dealwith baby mamas. You do because

you punch a clock. He fshot chicks and has his account and take
care of it. I don't knowif you've seen photos, sir or madam
of these women with respect, Iwould not refer to them as hot chicks.
And I don't try finding a clockin this place to punch. I
don't know what that means. Butlisten if you have. And it's not

like he has twelve baby mamas,but he's probably got five, and who
the hell wants to deal with that. But again, it's not like they're
going in. None of these womenare going in with blinders on. So
it's more a level of curiosity onmy part as to the inner workings of
this. But all I'm saying is, however it's worked out. It's probably

fair to say that, with whateveracrimony exists with him in any of these
women, the kids are going tobe the last ones considered by him.
They'll be considered by their mom mostlikely, but they'll be the last ones
considered by Elon Musk. And whenyou have twelve, you're gonna have a

couple favorites. You're supposed to lieand say no, but you're gonna have
a couple of favorites. If youhave two, or three, or even
four, you can safely tell yourchildren that you don't have a favorite.
You get up to a dozen,just as a human being, Find any
group of twelve people. You're gonnahave a couple of favorites. Now that
one sucks. Yeah, doesn't matterif you're related to them or not.

Find a dozen people and tell meyou like them all the same. I
have a twelve nieces and nephews andI definitely don't like them all the same.
Yeah, And you tell them,yeah, you get one hundred dollars
gift. You get a twelve dollargift because I like you as much to
their face I did wat to theirface. Must them off by numbers,

I go numbers one eight and twelve. You guys come with me. You
getting ice cream? Everybody else yousuck. Yeah, today it's even numbers.
Share one SpongeBob ice cream, fightover the bubble gum. Those the
eyes are already taken. Elon Muskhas a breeder kink. Somebody texted he
and his dad both intentionally sought tospread their DNA into the population. This

is what I'm saying. Elon Muskis one of these guys who thinks there's
population collapse. And because he's agenius, he's just doing the world a
favor. And again, it's hismoney and his jiz and he can do
whatever he wants to do with it. But it's pretty wild. You know,
you're a four year old kid andyour name is x v L two
three and you're trying to go toschool with Billies and Tammis and the als.

Eddie Murphy has a lot of kidstoo, That's true. Eddie Murphy
got like a dozen kids, Georgefor a named George. Yeah, so
yeah, listen, you can affordthem. It just seems like a lot
of people treat kids like props too, And there's no ego involved in a

small, manageable number and this isnone of that Jesus nonsense, you know,
where they're having nineteen children because theythink that they have to whatever.
I don't even know the thought theflock usually that they don't believe in birth
control of any king, of course, but you know, do the old
polland prey. A lot of peoplehave done that. Hey uh no boy,

hey gaylord? Hello here, helloboy, hi gaylord. Hi.
How's everybody good? H I justwanted to say that my wife and I

went to see mister Squire and wehad a wonderful, wonderful time. Where
was this in the lead here,lady six on Friday you talked about coming
right, okay, yes, andit was a fantastic time and mister Squire

kills it. He Oh my goodness, I had so much fun. Thank
you, thank you, thank you, thank you for coming. And I
want to say, oh, youtreated me so wonderful. You're such a

gracious host. You treat all ofyour fans so wonderful. Thank you Bill
for being some night to my wife. You guys are very very Oh we
love you so much and we're goingto be coming to see you soon.

There. Well, uh, mywife is about his mom's age so I
oh wow. Well, anyway,guys, I just want to say to

the fans and all the listeners,if you get a chance, please go
see Bill. He has a greatshow every time he's on stage. Well,
and if anybody was on the fencebefore that, Bill Gaylord is going

to be packing him in there.I give you his stamp of approval.
Oh it's a great time and you'lllaugh. I mean it just peered me
up so wonderfully. And Mary,I want to say, as soon as

you're in Cleveland, I want tosee you too. And first before the
end of okay, before the endof the year, gatherer, I hope
to get a big handshake from meat least. Okay, all right,

thank you Gaylord. There's a gaylord out there in Wellington. Who is
it's coming to see you. Mary, You're going to be ye, I'm
going to see wherever you're going tobe. I had a little crowd work
with him. Talked about his TBI, his traumatic brain injuries and why talks
the way he does and it's fun. Posted on my YouTube if you want
to check that out. And yeah, he was. It was a great

choke. You don't have to getto do a lot of traumatic brain injury
material, do you You really don't, not in a way where you can
kind of pick on the person.Look at this guy, traumatic brain injury.
He was he was a good sport. He was actually uh pretty funny
with the back and forth and everything. And his wife is super sweet,
good, very nice. He's anice young man who needs broadcasting awards.

I had the sound of my ownvoiceable when you've won World Sexiest and five
years in a row on one hundredboy seven w M m oh gar love

you. I think I dropped ina little squid pisser last week, didn't
I did I play some of thatfor Mary when she was Mary's in studio
today and tomorrow of course. Butyeah it's bad. Well, Brian,
go see Gwar? Is that guaron his radar at all? I don't

know I've seen. Yeah. Yeah, it was the first time I were
Crown surf. All right, doyou get all slimy and gross? Thanksgiving?
So I still had like blue guar. Yeah, I know, war
ejaculate Jaclin my hairline. Yeah,yeah, well that's the I always think

of the venues they play cleaning.They played a House of Blues, Yeah,
cleaning those things up. Your ClevelandGuardians are set to startup tonight.
World, get out of here acouple of minutes early six oh five tonight
and tomorrow and Wednesday from Baltimore toplay the Orioles. These should be some
very good ball ball game. Oriolesare good. A couple of first place

teams going at each well, Oriolesare second place, second place. They're
very good. Yea, they're verygood, very very hot team right now.
So it's gonna be tough series.But yep, Guardians Ee, nothing
sneeze at either. No, Guardiansare doing great and they're hanging on.
Man, it's not like they wereflashing the pan at the beginning of the
season. They're killing it, killingit. I've been, of course,

hoping beyond hope that my White Soxcan somehow dig themselves out of the basement.
I'm not even asking for a winningseason, just digging themselves out of
the basement as of yet, nothaving no luck. Nope, they are
the worst team in Major League Baseballand have been so, I think since

opening day. But what are yougonna do? So? Guardians Orioles Tonight
live from Camden Yards on the Buzzardand on the iHeartRadio app, leave messages
for us anytime. You like theearly thirty games back of the Guardian only

that's nothing. Yep, that's gotto make socks legend. Jim Tomy kind
of bummed out because you know he'sworking there in the front office, but
he wasn't a Guardian. He wasan Indian. Yeah, he wants to
make it because he's got to bewell, you can do that anytime,
and he hasn't. But I meanhe he's just got to be beside himself

seeing what's happening with his beloved WhiteSox. And it's got to be tough
for tanking the team on purpose sothat the Guardians don't have to deal with
them. But he works for theteam. Why would he do that because
he really loves He's an ill He'san Illinois boy. I know he came
here for a little while and pretendedto make everybody feel good, but he's

an Illinois boy. You gotta supportthe home teams, literally, don't you
do. Bill's a Chargers fan.You don't have to do anything. He
is a Chargers fan. He's aLos Angeles Chargers. He just doesn't even
cheer for things anymore. I don't. My life is so much easier.
Well, she doesn't have a dogin that fight. I do, miss

football. I have a dog inthe no sexual crimes against women fight.
But brave Mary Santora, so brave, so brave. Which dog? It's
a pimple? We win a lota pimple. You have a pimple dog,
you're high energenic? Hell, yougotta go it is, Yes,

I gotta get me one of those. Those sound great, kind of annoying,
but okay, hey, you knowwho I just can't get enough of
me? I disagree with that withyou. The Hawk to a Girl,

Oh you love. I don't evenknow if they've dropped her name. Her
name's supposed to be Haley something.And what jumped out at me was,
you know she's been she went crazyviral for the last week. The Hawk
to a Girl. But everybody,and this is what sucks about going viral
is everybody starts making money off ofwhat you did. People are making rip

off shirts and hawk to of shirtsand just meet everybody. That's the natural
order of things, now, isit. Everybody will grab what you did
and start to monetize it, sothat ironically, by the time you come
to it, you're in last place. Well, she's got her own hawk

to emerge. Finally. This girlfor people who might have been just in
a coma or you know, undera rock or something. Dude, she's
like drunk at a bachelor att party? Is that what it was? Did
you not see that there was someonereporting that she lost her job she's a
preschool teacher. Yeah, that wasn'ttrue. It wasn't. Okay uh again,

viral on TikTok. That's all thatI saw. Yeah, so she's
on Facebook now, she lives inshe lives in Tennessee or what she but
her name's Haley something, and she'scute. You know, she's out there
with her friend and just a duderandomly one of these YouTube channels. The
guy's walking around talking to people andhey, what do what do girls do

to drive their man crazy? Andthat was her response, You gotta you
gotta spit on that thang. Andthat's what her merch says, talk to
at twenty four spit on that thang? And who can't dude? Lucktool for
her and Bill, you sent mea good one. You know, everybody's

meming this out. Where is thatI've got somewhere sent her on Instagram.
Yeah, but I sent it tomyself so that I would have it.
Nope. Two hours ago from BarstoolSports, Connor McGregor wants to know if

we've located the talk to a girl. What. Yeah, of course he
wants to know. This thing justtook a crap as we were coming back.
We have ten minute goddamn commercial breaksaround here. Everything's fine, We're
coming back on the air, andeverything melts down around here. I know

you send it to me and Idon't see it. No, you send
it. This is very exciting foreverybody, very very exciting while I try
to find something. That's why I'mdoing my inbox find it music. Ladies

and gentlemen, we are experiencing technicaldifficulties. Please stand by. This literally
sounds like exactly what I was doing. We will return to our regularly scheduled
program momentarily. Please stay tuned.It was exactly the same. We expect

to resume normal broadcasting shortly. OhI think I got Nope, not that
well anyway. Ever, to keepsaying, no is email, but not
the newswork. He's so old hecan't work. Good. It's a good

one. It's built up was alot. Yesterday, I was cleaning out
my spare bedroom to try and makeit more into an actual like guest room,
and I the first box I pickedup, I'm like, areither shoes
in this or not? Not shoes? A bunch of stuff I had just

put into a shoe box. AndI find a journal from when I was
still a missionary, and then itbecame like a joke book for me.
So it's a funny transition for togo from a bunch of quotes from Mormon
people. Too, it was amissionary book that was already it was a
printed book or it's like a journal, and I like had you know,

I would take notes at different eventsand stuff that we would go to,
and then it like slowly becomes myjoke book and then like so many jokes
about how I don't do well withgirls and I can't get girls, and
wow, I'm like, man,I forgot how bad I was when I
first got back from the Philippines,and like how I just because I didn't

know what I was doing and Iwas like so lost too because I was
still living with my parents and soI still had to kind of maintain this
kind of facade that I was intochurch and stuff like that, and then
I was trying to make my way, like make everything good. But your
journal knew the truth. They alwaysdo, and it was and it wasn't

like I was journaling. I wasjust writing jokes and then like guy,
find jokes about like I never gotalong with my dad and all these different
things, like one thing about likehow I Yeah, it was just it
was very fun to go through allthose different jokes and different you know,
just to see how far I've comebecause I was so depressed and so just

lost at that time. I hatefinding old set lists you five thirty,
because it's just the joke, yeah, you know what it was. I
don't know what it was. Isee I have a bunch of the setlists
and I'm like I can see theword and I go, oh, I
remember what joked that one, Likesome of them I do. But I'm

like, oh man, I founda really old one in like a tub
or something, and I was like, oh my god, what is that,
Like I don't remember that that atall. There was one that I
actually I was like that was actuallypretty funny where I said, like my
grandma got mad at me. BecauseI drive too fast and I said,
you die too slow, my sister. I don't even remember what it was
at this point. It was acouple of months ago. She quoted something

that made us both laugh. Iwas like, what is that from?
That sounds familiar? And she goes, you wrote that. She's like,
that's one of your jokes, likeone of the first jokes you wrote us.
Like No, I was like thisfrom like a movie yourself. She
goes, no, marry That iswhen I was like, oh, no,
it's new to me. I'll bringit back. Yeah. But it
was just it's just so funny tosee the lack of confidence and the lack

of of and in just the writingstyle beings because I was still doing really
clean comedy at that time too,so there was like another bit about like
how I'm Christian and like just tryingto like you can like read the joke
and be like, I'm trying toconvince myself that I'm Christian and this is
a joke about it even like soldon it to myself. So it was

it was eye opening because sometimes youdon't realize how far you've come, You
don't realize how different things are becauseit you know all happened so slowly,
and yet in the blink of aneye when you look back, came back

a long time. They'll speak likeyou control this show at least once a
week. But yeah, I've gota good joke from a diary, the
part in the Ashley Biden diary whereshe talked about chowering with the President of
the United States. I haven't readthe Ashley Biden diary. What's it called?
I want to take a note.I don't know she she had a

diary. Somebody stole it out ofthe house and the president her father was
chowering. Who stole it out ofthe house. I don't look it up
as a New York post. You'rethe what you called me. You're not
giving me any info. I'm tryingto follow up on this. I mean,
it's not the Internet. It's onNew York the Internet, man,
I thought you were. I thoughtyou were. This was something being all

made up. If it's the Internet, what's the site. I want to
go to the site? Hold onit? Internet dot com? Hold on?
Yeah, let me know widenowers isit Internet dot com? Hold on?
Hold on, I'm googling it.Unprepared this guy come on man Border

woman has send to a month injail for selling Biden's AP Where we're gonna
we're going with a p being legit, the what press, the AP news
is a legitimate sore. Yeah,far as I know. Okay, Lorida
woman has send two months friend jailfor selling Biden's daughter's diary. Okay,
where so where do we go fromthere? ABC News has it, CNN

has it. But what's your point, mat? I'm just saying it's a
little weird that the guy running thiscountry is showering with his thirteen year old
kids. Guy running it four yearsago study wanted to bangs on daughter.
Yeah, and the guy you wantto come back was on Epstein's Island.
What are you talking about? We'regoing there and he was on a MAC.
You don't you don't care about Epstein'sIsland. Well, they always Epstein's

Island. Who all went to JoeBiden didn't? Bill Quinton did? Yeah?
He did? President dummy is He'snot all right? Thank you Mac?
He's a AP interview there, welldone. I don't remember Mac at
all. He said he used tocall Control all the time. I don't.
I don't know who that is.But Okay, Yeah, Joe Biden

is running for president again and DonaldTrump is running for president again. Hillary
Clinton is not running. Bill Clintonis not running. Trump is the one
of the only two running who wason Epstein's Island doing the white man's overbite.
I don't know a thing about theAshley Biden diary. I'll take your
word for it. Well, I'msure we'll all look into that, but

do whatever you gotta do. Also, I feel like nobody wants to vote
for either of them. Well that'swhat you get to the point where you're
like, is it the felon andthe guy who falls down? Like what
are we doing? This? Isthere's going to be something? Yeah,
but Biden is Listen, you mightnot like either of them, but for
people who are pretending that they're evenremotely the same, it'sridiculous, right,

Like in the whatever he's bringing upisn't in the AP story that I'm reading.
I can't read anything but facts,Alan I see. Cold hard truth
is all that my brink, Coldhard truth. I don't know what Mac
is digging into there, But okay, it's not every day you hear him
complain about something. Wait, yesit is one point seven w m M.

Yes, yes, Tams have anew coach. Yeah, a guy

named Kenny Atkinson who never played inthe NBA. He's only coached in the
NBA. It's a guy who's beenthe Warriors assistant coach for a minute.
There have been a lot of speculationand rumors they were going to grab the
guy who'd been coaching the Hornets,but it looks like he might go to
Detroit the Yeah, well he was, but he was an assistant with the

like he was with the Hornets fora minute, and then he was an
assistant with New Orleans. I thoughthe was coming from Charlotte. I don't
think so. Well, anyway,he's not the guy Kenny Atkinson is.
He played for a long time,but he played for a lot of teams
around the world. And he isgoing to be hired as head coach for
the Cavaliers Golden State Warriors. Sowhat's his name is? Right hand man?

Is that one of one of?Yeah? The uh four years and
he coached the Nets for four years? Oh right, during the Kyrie Kevin
Durant. Yeah, he had themfor a couple of years. But was
h I think he I think youonly had them for one season they got

blown out because they wanted to bringin somebody out and that was all just
a night. He overachieved with thatroster, yeah before Kyrie and uh because
Kyrie is hurt for part of theseason and then I don't know, it
was a mess. But he's agood coach. I think it's going to
be very good for the the Cavsme too. Thanks Mary So, Jared

Allen and Karis LeVert played for himon the Nets. Yep. So that's
the beauty, by the way,especially when you look at this Monty Williams
situation in Detroit. We've talked aboutit a million times, but I'll talk
about it a million and one.The best gig in sports is being a
coach because players can come in somethingthat's for the most part, in a

lot of situations out of your control. New players will come to the roster,
they don't want you there anymore.They want to bring their own guy
in and they've got the juice.So that happens sometimes. So you're in
there. You know, you signeda five year deal, but these guys
want their guy in, so you'reyou're gone after one. But they got
to pay Manty Williams. Dude,he signed a record in tract with the

Pistons. Well, the Pistons firedhim, ironically when they were talking about
who was going to come to theCalves. The dude from the Pelicans and
the Hornets they were talking to lookslike he's going to be the guy to
replace Matty Williams in Detroit. Butthe Pistons, they were the worst team
in the NBA. Pistons are rarelyany good. I always have a soft

spot for the Pistons because it's mywife's team. I was on in Detroit
for a long time. And Imean they have two definite, definitive eras
when they were a good team,yes with you know that, and they've
always had one or two really goodplayers along the way. And then yeah
they' but they've been asked for awhile, right, so you know,

MANI gets fired. He just couldn'tget Vinnie microwave Johnson to do anything for
him. They fire him after oneseason, but they still they still owe
him sixty five million dollars. Imean, you might recall the beginning of
the season, you know, thePistons they lost twenty eight games in a

row, like they were setting leaguerecords and not the kind you want to
set. And so they go,we got to get rid of this guy.
It's like the dude over at MichiganState where my older kids go.
They hired that dude. It wasthe dude that got fired for talking dirty
to that woman, right, andthey sign him to some massive contract and
the right football team, yeah,Mel Johnson or whatever it was. But

I think they I think they gotout of that for morals clause or something.
But Monty Williams one season in getsfired and they have to in the
And again for anybody who is whoI know, everybody realizes that professional sports
just print money. But to bringit into clearer focus is when teams are

like, we're willing to eat thismoney to move on. And so that's
what they're doing with Monty Williams.And he came in after one season.
He was he came in legit.Yeah, Yeah, he was coach of
the year. Yeah. And thenthey had like a down year the next
year when they made all those tradesand they didn't you know, they had

a lot of injuries, and theygo get him out of here, bringing
Frank Vogel. Oh. But Imean, so this dude's sitting pretty no
matter where he goes. He couldhe could pick up a team tomorrow and
then he I think the only teamwithout a head coach right now is the
Pistons. Well, and if theygrab Grego or Gego or whatever it is.

Yeah, so Monty Williams gets sixtyfive million more dollars. He signed
a seventy eight point five million dollarcontract with the Pistons. It was the
largest contract ever for an NBA coach. Six years, seventy eight and a
half million dollars. They go,man, we get you out of here.
Just isn't working. Oh my god, pay me sixty five million dollars

to go away. Oh please.It's just the greatest gig. It's the
greatest gig, hey. I meanbecause even if you're like, oh,
man, I Wilson a very goodcoach, he's just like, you know,
sixty five million dollars I don't haveto work for al right, But
why do these teams sign I mean, even a great coach might make it

two or three years into a contractand they go, it's not really working
out. I don't know why theysigned these guys to I mean six years
A long time in that spot.Of course, hr Puffin Stuff was a
coach here for a while. Yeah, yeah, maybe they have to if
it's out much money. Well,it's the like they can't say we're gonna
yeah, we're not going to sign. We want guaranteed money for this amount

of years, right, and theagents negotiate them very very good contracts.
So again, my calls and Imade many of them to the front office
there at the Romo Fijo. Mycalls to bring back David Blatt to the
Cavaliers organization fell on so many deafyears. Nobody over there listened to me.

And you're saying yourself, well,Alan, what credentials could you possibly
bring to those negotiations, And myanswer, of course is none, zero
credentials. But this is a sportsworld in which a guy who came in
with amazing credentials coached for a yearand uh, it's still going to get

sixty five million dollars. You thinkthey just cut him a check or they
give it to him every year it'spaid out. You know, there's a
schedule on it. Yeah, man, I'll coach a game that he's making.
He'll give you that Bobby Benia money. I can do it, but
this is what I'm saying, likeit's all a crap show. Yeah,

I could have also taken the Pistonsto the worst record. Yeah you could.
You could have. Guys, webrought on Bill Squire, he is
uh, we're hoping for big thingsfrom him, and I would do it.
You know, I didn't even doit. I do it for half
half the money. I do itfor two million. We got this guy.
Yeah, we got this guy forhalf the money that we got money

Williams. Has this guy ever coachedbasketball? Nope? I can't. Yeah,
he can't do worse pretty good.Yeah, Like, I was a
basketball cheerleader from grade seven through college, so I do understand the rules.
Set a screen, you don't fallbreak, do the do the uh cheer

Wait you say rules, I'll useyour word. Do the cheerleading rules change
from seventh grade to college. Therules of basketball. Well, but there
are also things that you do anddon't do in cheerleading. Not really,
you can do anything you want.The big thing is don't hurt yourself or
someone else, and don't go onthe field or court during gameplay, and

don't bang the players. That's notreally a rule. Everybody does that I
didn't do that. Everybody but youdid. But there are certain Jersey chasers
for what we would call them,of course. Yeah, but that wasn't
you. No, I was neverinterested. Ah, they're dumb. They
weren't they're dumb, They weren't fatgingers. Yeah, but in college plenty
of fat gingers on the line.But in college, you're not dating guys

because they're brainy acts. They're justhot dudes. But I've never liked someone
you can't have a conversation with becausethey're just so brave. Mary Stauris is
satio sexual over here, watch me. Good for you. You're just like
the put football on a point eightGPUs. Well, you're not marrying them.

You're in this what I'm saying.You're in college, you're not marrying
them, you're having fun. Yeah. No, I never really went for
that. All Right, you didn'tdate a single athlete in college? How
long did you go to college?Three and a half years? In the
three and a half year Why didn'tyou just finish gonna be famous? Yeah,
But I mean, had I finishedcollege, I wouldn't be on the

show, Ellen. I mean,they would go about what you're asking.
Don't talk about it all the time. I'd bet pharmacist somewhere unhappy and divorce.
I mean, my boss at mywhen I was an intern and then
I got hired as a producer.He didn't know I was still in school.
He wanted me to quit. Yeah, and I'm like, I'm almost

done. I don't need it nowanyway, I shouldn't have gone in the
first place. I don't need iteither, That's what I'm saying. But
why But because you've already put it. I know it's a sunk cost fallacy
at that point, but it's like, at that point, why not just
what? What do I need aBachelor's of Science and pharmaceutical sciences for?
But you don't. I'm sorry,bachelor's of mathematics, it's farm gatics.

Anything. Anything could have happened,and you wouldn't have been on the path
you're on. You could have beenyou could have been the highest paid person
at Target. I could have beenYEA, what a boring life. I'd
be addicted to pills. I cantell you that the ground my condolences to
all of the hard working pharmacists throughoutNortheast Ohio. Well, you can't put

it in a bottle. If itfell on the ground, you put it
in your mouth. So I thought, it's just the xanax happened to keep
falling because I can do about itfor me. Yeah, well, mare
like the Downers. Your pharmacist keepsnodding off back there. Did you give
her that little crumb thing like inthe fine dining where you put the pills
in? Yeah, you put thelittle crumb catcher in the in the pills.

Well, listen, what a boringlife, she says. Is it
as thrilling to be a pharmacist asto be in showbiz? No? Now,
if you're we we would all sayno. But if you're a pharmacist,
actually probably hear some crazy stories.Well that's what I'm saying. If
you're no, two days are alike. If you're a pharmacist, you are

in like pharmacy show biz. Right, it's an exciting life to you.
You're going to convin or the girlis most of the pharmacists I see,
or females by the way, SoI wonder what the ratio is in pharmacy
school. It was pretty even.I feel it was it because I couldn't
t I couldn't tie the last timeI saw a male pharmacist at them.
I'm sure there are. I'm justsaying, like the places that I've gone

recently, it's largely been females,So I don't know if it's I like
to So. So, if you'remaking what one hundred and fifty thousand dollars
a year, that's like starting starting, Yeah, it really start. Yes,
you'll probably be at like two hundredthousand dollars here you got a nice
house fifty yeah, fifty, youcan go on vacations. Then you'd still

be miserable. Yeah, I thinkI'd be bored. I think i'd be
like, something would have happened.I can almost guarantee you I would have
been addicted to phil. I knowI shouldn't be laughing about that, but
I I with the access to itand the addictive personality that I have.
I don't know if my sobriety journeywould have been the same to quit drinking.

But had I not quit drinking andbeen a pharmacist, your girl would
be mixing. I can oh,I can promise you wow, Yeah,
but then you're gonna lose your gigpretty fast. It ends on how sneaky
you are. Wow. I don'ttake them at work. I put them
in your mouth, I put asneak, and then I take it at
home. Yeah, but I wasgoing to say doing the inventory, No,

you don't get them, do theynot? After they see you nodding
all, I'm not gonna take themat work. I'll take it at home.
I'll take you half a one atwork. Fun. I mean,
I know a couple of pharmacies,and it seems like it's it's really difficult
to do that. Now. There'scameras everywhere, and there's listen, I
worked in bars, and I drinkon the job. You find the blind

spot different. Everybody drinks on thejob at a bar. You're not a
foot You don't need a college degreein pharmacy to work at a bar.
Find the blind spots of where thecameras can't see, and then you,
oh, whoops, drink. There'sfour little pills I can't serve, and
you come back up and you throwaway three. But while you're down there
picking them up, you put onein the pocket. And then now you

have a little treat. I mean, listen, if anybody make it,
please call and let stealing pill.Yeah, you make it sound easy.
Peasy. But I'm just saying Idoubt in twenty twenty four that it's that
easy. Well, I would havegraduated in twenty twelve. I would imagine
there's like cameras I could have had, like a little mouse like put it

away. Actually take that back,because here's why you might be in good
shape doing something like that, becauseall I have a read about trustworthy face.
No that's no, no, no, how these chains are like slashing,
like pharmacists are ready to hang themselvesbecause these companies like CBS and Walgreens,
all these companies are like, yeah, we're gonna have We're gonna have

you and like one tech working andthat's it. Yeah, and you're just
working like non stop because you mighthave noticed a lot of people are on
prescriptions. Yeah, and they justaren't staffed properly like a lot of other
places. You know, if you'reif you have staffing problems at Walmart and
you have twenty lines open and there'stwo people working, it's an inconvenience.

If you have a pharmacy staffing issue, that's a whole other situation. The
dude many a little upper so evenif but but man, you can't do
that for long. I mean,I can't imagine that for long. Even
if you take them at home,there's gonna be a cumulative effect. You're
gonna slip up, something's gonna happen. No, too good. Well,

then it circles back to the questionwhy didn't you just finish pharmacy school so
you could be living this requiem fora dream life? Because I'm saying that's
what would have happened, because Iwould have been so miserable. I would
have ended up marrying someone I didn'treally love that I probably met in pharmacy
school, and we both had goodjobs, we'd had a couple of kids.
I'd end up hooked on pills,divorced with no license by now.
So to you, the pharmacy thingembodies a whole other raft of bad decisions.

There are no good decisions no matterwhich path I take. Huh right,
I mean, I guess I'm makinggood decisions now. But it took
a lot to get there, youknow, Yeah, took a lot to
get sober from that. I feelI really don't feel like it's worth doing
in pain. I really do feellike there is a very very high probability
that there is a you know,Spider versus Mayor, who is a pill

popping pharmacist going through a divorce,who's just a train wreck, Yeah,
just sleeping with customers. She meets, what's the best case scenario? One
of like what my life is?Yeah? Is that right? A millionaire?
Yeah? No, no, no, it's like years when I hit
the mega million it's like best casescenario, Spider Verse Mayor. That's Spider

Verse Mayor at this point, thirtyfour year old Spider Verse Mayor. What's
best case scenario? I'm a billionaire? Okay? How I like? No,
no, no, I like that. In your scenario of being in
showbiz and being successful, you stillget rich by hitting the lottery. Well,
I'm not gonna get rich from this. You don't know you get rich

in showbiz. It's hard people doit. Well, of course, it's
all hard. It's all luck,and it's all I think it might be
the same odds to hit the megamillions. No, I think it might
be. You've seen how many peopleare famous people for a long time.
Well, what's a long time?Ever? Billionaire is stack cheddar? Yeah,
there's no there's you know, I'ma billionaire. I just think it's

funny that in this scenario you stillwin. You still get rich because you
win the lottery. Right, Iwin the lottery. Now I'm a billionaire
and I don't have to work.Yeah, right, so now all I
can do is focus on being hilarious, and I have butlers and maids.
If that's work, is not evengonna Are you gonna even be funny because
you're rich? Oh? But I'mlike, he'll billy rich. I still
got paper plates, you know whatI mean? Like we're having a cookout.

But why if you have that muchmoney? Even hillbillies buy nice flatware
once they get crazy rich? Whoground me? But you don't want to
be grounded? You want to lookdown on other people? No, no,
no, I want to be uhhe'll be guys. Yeah, but
you can. But you can begrounded and not be rich. I am.

You asked me about the best caseI see, I see. We're
back on that best case. No, he asked you when the best case
scenario. Yeah, I'm a billionairefrom the lottery, Brian. I just
hang out and go to comedy shows. Just hang out. And here's the
thing, it doesn't matter if I'mif I'm good, if I'm the best
if I'm famous, if I'm rich, because I don't need the money,
right, So this is my now, it's my hobby. I can do

it whenever I want. I cango to whatever places will book me,
and Brian and I just travel around. You're creatively freed because you're not financially
constrained. Correct again, I amwell, well in the camp of money
solves all your problems, and youguys are not. And that is firmly
where I stand. I think that'sbecause you don't know anybody who's crazy rich.

I know plenty of people who arecrazy rich, but not enough to
ask them if their problems are gone. Well, well they're clearly. I'm
sure that you know people that arecrazy rich and they had to stop doing
work because they were going crazy fromworking too much. Yeah. Yeah,
So that's what I'm saying. Ifyou can be that rich and you don't
have to work, you just hangout all day, that sounds awesome.

That's best case scenario. I hitthe Spider Verse. Mayor is a billionaire
from the Maga millions. Brian andI just travel around the country. I
do comedy when I want. Brianhe's there. He's constant constant. He
gets his garbage man job. Whenwhen when did you win the millions?
Last week? He found her ticketfell out of her garbage, and he

went and knocked on the door,ma'am. And that's how she finds out
that she won. And wait,so you live? That's how they meet?
What? Because he doesn't do garbagewhere you've never lived? Yeah,
you ended up lake somehow. Yeah, all right, there's a lot of
nice property over the bartender probably bartendercomedian. I don't know if I'm sober

in the scenario, because I'd liketo be drunk. If fellow a billionaire,
a drunk billionaire, I guess Idon't. I guess I'd never thought
of it that way, being adrunk billionaire bionaire. And you're like Dudley
Moore and Arthur Sure, Hello,girls, Show of America. Dirty.

We are going to bail out ofhere shortly after six. Make room for
your Cleveland Guardians pre game at sixoh five in Camden Yards tonight tomorrow Wednesday
against the Orioles. It's a sixsix thirty five first pitch. Hear all
of it here on MMS and onthe iHeartRadio app. If you've been watching

the show today at alancoxshow dot com. You can thank Chester and Western for
assisting today. Thank you so much. Hey Leslie, Hi guys, Hi,
you guys. You were talking earlierabout like pharmacy stuff. I know

that all of you all have knownthat in the past. I've worked as
a bunch of different science jobs,and I did work at a contract research
for you. I love it whenyou play that founder for me. It
makes me day. But the contractresearching drug testings that I worked at,
we did like safety testing for things, and we actually had ketamine on site.

And it's probably different out of pharmacy, but the way that it worked
at this place is there was likeone person that had the code to get
into the lock box and they wouldhave to be watched by somebody as they
punched in the code to make surethat they're not like swipe and stuff.
And then when you'd have to likemeasure out ketamine to use in like cell
culture stuff, you'd have to havelike two people watch you while you were

weighing stuff out on the scale.All three people had to sign like the
way strips and turn those in andthen they would re reway the container that
the Kenemie was in before it wentinto the safe and had another person do
it and another person watch it,and then we would actually have like the
DEA would like check our records becausewe were working with the controlled substance,

So there were multiple fail safe waysto make sure that that wasn't happening.
And a dude actually did get bustedin the mid two thousands working at that
particular drug testing site because they thisis before a lot of that stuff was
in place, and he was swipingit and was getting high on the job
and it was pour my time workingthere, but I heard all of the

debaucherous things that that person had done. So yeah, there's a lot of
stuff that goes into it, probablya little bit different than the pharmacy,
though. Are you trying to tellme that Mary's idea of just dropping pills
on the floor and then putting theminto her pocket isn't probably not gonna work.
There's no way everything she's talking aboutis happening at every target across the
country. No, no, No, she's talking about a drug testing facility.

There's no And that's what I'm talkingabout. With the staffing seven people
to watch you way out there,aren't that many. There aren't that many
redundancies at the cvs because they're slashingtheir staffing. So to your point,
leslie, like, yeah, thatmakes a lot of sense, And there
was probably a time where they mighthave done that at retail pharmacies. But

it's she doesn't feel like that anymore. Probably not, But it was just
one of those things from like,hey, I could call in at least
about one aspect of this time.Absolutely you're wrong. Yeah, all right,
thank you. Yeah, Spider Verse, Pooky Santora, somebody called you.

She's Chris Rock and New Jack Cityall. My friend's mom was a
nursing home nurse. She got caughtstealing the patient's pill. Oh, that
happens all the time in nursing homes, especially with like elderly people who have
like dimension stuff. But they're like, no, she got her pills today,
she just doesn't remember and then swipethem. I had a friend who
was a nurse who admitted to stealingpills from patients all the time. She

was any art nurse to what endto get high? No, but did
she get caught nurse? Now like, she's not my friend anymore. But
she's not my friend. Lost Mary'sfriendship retained her career. Yeah, if
Mary thinks money I'll solve all ourproblems, then why would her life suck
if she made more money being apharmacist. Well, because that's not the

same. It's why I often relyon the audience to ask some of the
questions that I'm either unwilling or unableto ask, because that is different.
That is different. Yes, inwhat way is that different? Because I
wouldn't be happy with the way thatI made the money. I'd be going

into a job I don't like everyday making money, and I'd be sad
and probably divorced and have a coupleof kids because that's probably what I thought
I should be doing. All Right, If you go into anything for the
money, you're not going to that'senjoy it. In the two scenarios where
I'm rich because of things I love, being stand up comedy and gambling,

those are ways that I earn themoney happily, which leads to no problems.
It's all on the flow chart,guys. No, I like it.
I believe it. And you guysknow Dan Soder and he's crazy rich
ask crazy rich Soda. I mean, but he comes from money. I
don't know about that, but Ino, I don't think Dan thinking he

wasn't rich. It was like hetells jokes about like his parents and grandparents
right now in his set, andit's not. By the way, was
yesterday? Huh? Didn't somebody havea birthday yesterday? I'm sure billions of
people had a birthday yesterday. Ithink that's how birthdays work. Yeah,
yeah, billions. No, I'msure somewhere between tens and billions of people

had yesterday as a birthday. Prolongedkenemene us can destroy your urethra. Some
users have to have catheters for life. Wow, that is gross. I
didn't I was going to take ketamine, just muscle relaxers xanax, not ketamine.

Just the reason that amazing. Ihope you think so, hiureth will
be intact if I've got something tosay about it, I'm gonna go to
my grave with an intact urethra fulleurype uh prolonged. So what constitutes prolonged

ketamine use? Can you stop itright before you lose the last of your
urethra? Shitting? You know?Dan Soder was on that show Billions that
I love so much. I alwayschatted well, that's the thing. Maybe
people are confusing. You know,people confuse the characters they play with real
life. You're doing well with standup, but not crazy. I wouldn't

refer to him as crazy rich Clevelandstandards. That's he doesn't live in Cleveland.
I'm saying to that person who takesit in, was he on the
Chrysier thing? He was? Yeah, he still is. Did anybody go
to that? It was here lastweek? I talked to one of my
buddies that went to it. Isit good? They said it was?
It was? Uh, it was. It was not the right venue for

it. It was a comedy show. It was a comedy show, but
that Benson Hall of Fame is nota great setup for it, is well.
I mean that's even arena. That'san outdoor football stadium. Yeah,
that's a massive What they're doing isoutdoor football stadium. Well, no,
they're usually they do like minor leagueparks, like baseball parks. If they

would have done County Captains, Ithink that's what It would have been a
better set up than what they didit because Tom Benson so many seats,
it's a massive, massive, well, it was a routing thing and there's
people that he said that, Imean, this is the guy that goes
to hundreds of comedy shows that waslike it could have been better, but

he's you know, he said,like, there's definitely people that are not
their acts aren't set up for youknow, because they're like crowd work and
stuff like that, and they're tryingto do it in a massive out there.
Where are you from? He said, it was, you know,
there's people that had a great time, but he wasn't really impressed by it.

Comedy, You guys, don't thinkabout alternate universes for your life.
We are watching a show on Applecalled Dark Matter, which is it's from
a book and it's about a guywho creates this box. He's a physicist
and he creates this box that putspeople in superposition. If you're familiar with
the rudiments of quantum mechanics, thatyou can exist in two places at one

time. And so this guy createsa box and they could do it with
adams and electrons, but he createsa thing that let people do it,
and so it becomes this metaverse thingwhere he's kidnapped by one of his own
doubles and then blah, blah blah. It's a cool show. I mean,
it's it's well cast and it's entertainingto watch, but invariably, if
you're watching it with someone, youwill start having those conversations about multiverse because

there are people who believe theoretically thatthere are infinite universes like ours. Now
I'm not a scientist, but Idon't believe that. I don't know what
the I'm sure there are some thosepeople believe that because there's probably some underlying
science to support that theory. Itis obviously just a theory that people like

Stephen Hawking and people you know,exponentially smarter than me, or like,
yeah, this is possibility. Well, I think everything's a possibility. But
to say oh, there's an infiniteanything that that can happen will happen,
one of those I don't know,And there is a universe given that example
of you, as a thrice divorcedpharmacist lost her, Yeah, you're like

the nurse Jackie of Target. Yeah, well I don't I mean, not
even to that, Like it doesn'thave to be that extreme, but like,
don't you you don't ever play outin your head where it's like if
I will married that person, orif I drive yourself crazy doing that,
not in like an A'm missing outway in like in I wonder what my
life would like? Oh I guessthis past. Yeah, but you can

only account for one variable. Sure, you start with if I had married
X, or if I had donesomething else for work. If you have
had no idea what happens after that? Is there not in your head when
you're like I wonder what my lifewould be like had I stayed Mormon.
I mean, like there are momentswhere I think about that, but it's
not like something, it's do youthink what you'd be right now if you

stayed Mormon? I think would killmyself. Yeah? Absolutely, how much
luck? How close were you?Like you would have had five more years,
ten more years, six more months. I think it probably would have
happened within my twenties. Yeah,I don't think I would have because I
was so miserable, even like theyear and a half that I still try
to like keep up appearances in theMormon Church was a like the only thing

that made me happy was going outand doing stand up and getting away from
that. And then when I waslike when I finally moved out of my
parents' house, I got my ownplace, never went back to church,
and slowly got happier and happier asI got more like further away from these
this life that just completely depressed me. I was just like, oh my
goodness, I'm all right, I'mgonna be okay. So like I don't

even think about that life that much. That's why I going through that journal
the other day was so fun,because like, oh, yeah, that
guy was real sad, and I'mreal happy now, and it's it's nice
to be in this version of myselfthat's so happy and pretty content. And
I don't really think about the pasttoo much, and I don't think about

the future too much, like Iplan on things. But I really like
living my life kind of in themoment for the most part. Like I
feel like I do a pretty goodjob of just being like what am I
doing right now? Yeah, Andthat's all like really worry about. Like
I'm excited about after work and I'mexcited about coming back to work. Like

that's like that's my life and it'snice and I make a decent living doing
it, and I make a lotof people happy and a lot of people
mad, and it's great. It'sgood to be Bill Square perfect always when
he's in the spot like, whatabout you? What about like what if
you would have killed it at yoursales position when before you when in that

time where you were off air andyou became a radio salesman, Well what
that might No, I go backfurther than that. I go back literally
about thirty years when I sat downand said, Okay, you've been doing
stand up for like five years,you've been doing radio for a couple Now
you got to pick one, becauseyou can either do both of you can
continue to do both of these halfassed, or you can pick one.

So my brain is always like,what if I had picked sand Up?
Yeah? Who knows? What doyou think? I You don't play.
That's my point, you guys Awelcome, Welcome to the Bill Squire Show.
Here's my sidekick. No, ifI had not picked, if I
had what I'm saying, does youryour mind ends at that would be different?

And then that's the end of yourbrain. You don't lay out like,
well what is there to play out? Yeah, I don't play.
It might have happened. No,would you still be living in Chicago?
Would you be you know what Imean? You don't think about, well
I would have I would have eitherlived in Chicago or I would have stayed
in l A. Yeah, oneof those. So what that's my question
is my brain goes to what doesAlan l a stand up comic Alan?

What does that life look like?Uh? I mean I like l A
a lot, like a single.Yeah, it's just your brain just stops,
just because every every variable can branchoff into a thousand other variables.
So where do you go with it? You just sit there for hours?
What's the point of that? Idon't entertainment. I'd rather be focused on

like what I'm doing next, thenext three steps in the life I am
living, sure, But you don'tlike you're on a long road trip,
you have nowhere to be, You'rein the car by yourself. Your mind
doesn't wander to that. So thaton the subway, I have forty five
minutes a day on the train whereI'm just like, man, I'm going
what do I have to do tomorrow? What's next? Tru I used to
that more because, like I remember, when I first move to New York,

I also had a ten ten hourcar, right, yeah, but
like, yeah, I used todo that more when like I remember when
I moved to New York and Ihad everything planned out. I was like,
all right, I'm moving there.I'm friends with Bobby Kelly. He's
gonna help me out within blah blahblah, it's all gonna be. I'm
gonna do this appearance because I wasdid an appearance on Opi and Anthony for
their car At Comedy Contest, andI thought that was going to like launch

me straight to the top, andI bomb so bad and it was the
worst and so like things got thrownoff on it, and so I was
like, I'm gonna stop doing that. I'm want to stop planning out how
things are gonna go and just becompared to do things when I can.
It's hard enough to plan the lifeyou're leading. Yeah, I mean we

could. We could leave work todayhitting killed by something, you know what
I mean, it's gonna be somethingfrom and we get decapated by one of
the props from the super Right.So yeah, no, I mean,
I'm sure it's fun to do that, but it's like, I got stuff

I gotta do, so it's youknow, I'm trying to trying to lay
out the next whatever. I'm alsothe person who went, I'm going to
a concert, like you think abouthow you're gonna get backstage. You're gonna
pull me on stage they see mesinging every word, So like Zach Brown
is gonna see me in the thirdrow singing every word, and he's gonna
come up here, and I don'tsing the song because I don't know the

words of this cover song. Thatwell. I don't think there's anything wrong
with daydream having a rich fantasy life. I I just ain't got time for
that. I just I just getI just get disappointed by it. So
I'd rather just live in the moment, just be like, hey, I'm
having a pretty good life. I'mnot gonna work like fantasize about stuff that

I have real, really no controlover. So I'm just gonna live in
the moment and just be like Ireally like. Learning to live in the
moment has been a very difficult thing, but it's I've been doing it so
long now that I'm like it's thebest. Because you know, the expectations,

the unrealistic expectations, they're not expectationsgonna pull on stage when he dies.
All you can do is plan right, Ain't nobody get time for Yeah,

just plan. That's how you comeup with the hypothetical arguments in your
head day long. Yeah, mybrain is so loud all day and it's
sure quiet. What do I needto do? Where am I going to
be in two hours? What doI need to do with this? And
that's happening at the exact same timethat my brain's like, Ken Chezzi's probably
gonna pull you backstage. You're gonnago see him in August. Tweet at

him and he'll definitely be there.And then this part of my brain's like,
hey, you have to get offthe subway now, and then I'm
walking to work. There's nothing wrongwith any of that. I just it
sounds like I think of the deleteriouseffects of not being focused all the time.
It's exhausting. So it's like notbe focused or to be focused,
to have to be focused all thetime. Yeah, I have pills for

that and it still doesn't work thetime. But nothing wrong with they can
you Chesney might pull me up.You've never gone to like a Steely Dan
concert, and you're like, Iknow they're gonna pull me. They sit
down on stage. They can't pullanybody up. Now, they could point
at you, hey, old manwho looks like our entire audience, get
up here. I do not looklike the seely Dan audience. That's the

one place that makes me feel young. And I also I can't think of
a scenario where i'd want to be. You know, I actually had a
dream last night that I was pulledon stage, like not even pulled on
stage, like hired to be aguitar player for Blink twenty two. And
I'm like, guys, I don'tknow these songs, and they're like,
just you got and and then likethey start playing damn it and they're like,

dude, and I was like,I don't. I haven't played this
song a long time. I knowit, but like I got to remember
it and we didn't rehearse, andthey're like, is Bill Squire, Like
Tom's here, it's his song,Let him play. He knows the riff.
Why am why are you guys evenhaving me up here? If Keith

Carlock had a heart attack on stageand seely Dan goes, is there a
drummer in the house? We wantto keep the show going? Yeah?
First off, probably fifty you know, seely Dan are largely musicians in their
own ride so, and I'm surethey have the hands would go up and
they have texts that they would belike, all right, we'll bring him

in. Like I'm sure that allof them, you guys are too logical
in your fantasy. I'm saying,I'm not even getting that logical. I'm
like, if they were, like, I'm sure you want to come up
to I don't. Yes, Ihave ever been to a concert where the
thought has not crossed my mind.Really, I can't wait for fall up
way to bring me on stage duringHum Halleluyah from the Lawn, from the

lawn, from anywhere. I'm gonnaget the upgraded seats. I'm gonna put
my name in the bucket. I'mgonna get upgraded to the pit. Pete
Wentz is gonna pull me up andsay what's your favorite song? And I'm
gonna say, Hum Hallelujah. Andthen this is what I'm doing while I'm
waiting in line at Blossom in thatforty five minute line, this is what's
going on in my head. Wow, I see I'm every time I buy
a lottery ticket. What's going onin my head? Is uh? All

right, what song am I gonnapee during? Yeah? When am I
gonna go get a drink? Ican't go pee, because then you're not
in their face, you're not inthe masses for them to pick you.
I also don't like when they whenthey waste my time by changing the song.
They do like a different intro,so you don't know what the song
is. You're like, damn it, I could have been paying five minutes
ago. The closest thing I canthink of is tomorrow I'm going to Ben

Folds, Yes, and it's thepaper airplane request tour. I know,
you get to write what your airplane, what song you want him to play.
And I have the idea that I'mgoing to write down is I want
you to play Army with all theswears, okay, just because I think
if he reads that, he willreads in that one and he'll laugh.

No, just it's got one fbird. But I and he'll sing it
for sure, but I just thinkhe would get it. He goes,
oh, that's funny, yeah,and that's about it. But in that
like, come on up here,who said that? Yeah? And then
he's like two five minutes And thennow you have thirty thousand new fans and
you're selling out tours right, Butyou know that's all civilians. They don't

want performers. They want civilians.They're already performers. That's not ben Folds.
I think it's like a fifteen andben Folds is like my guy.
And now Ben Folds is promoting you, and he has you come to opening
sets for him during meet and greet. Bill, You're not thinking big enough,
man, this is the problem.I guess my question is I guess

my question is how many times hasthis intense preparation doesn't matter? Like the
extensive mind is that he'll read myairplane and like get a little chuckle out
of it, and mine, I'mben Fold's opening act forever. Now,
ben Folds, especially Mary Laura allright, because she made me laugh so

hard with her airplane. Yeah.Now I must leave you as the Brady
bunch is on and I find fourof those children incredibly arousing. Get out
of it. Careful of what yousay, Be careful every way, Be
careful of what you do. Bigbrother is watching you. Be circumspect and

discreet, Stay light on your mentalfeet. One slip and you know you're
through. Big Brother is watching you, and all with all narratives, remember
obedience paid, and when you watchthat DV screens remember it works both ways.

You disappear in a wink. Unlessyou can double think, you'll vanish
into the blue. Big Brother iswatching you.
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