All Episodes

June 14, 2024 169 mins
The Alan Cox Show
Mark as Played
Transcript

Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
The Federal Communications Commission has determined thefollowing content to be emotionally harmful. Funny
things that she thinks funny aren't funny. Jimmy Cock, Bob Time Cox,
Allan Cox Show, kicks alash Man, Welcome, Welcome you me what you
Yeah? I can see a lotof cocks on TV. Allen Cox from

(00:21):
me, Allen Cox Show. Idon't know what's about you, but I
can thank you. It would bea great. So let's sen coffee.
You get that you've got eight witha safety group? Okay, what do
three? Kick it? Tom?God, damn it? Put you one
time? Take it? What AllenCox? Here we go, He'll add

(00:44):
he'll be trying h the Allen CoxShow on one hundred point seven double U
M m as Okay, Hey,what's going on? Gang? Good afternoon?
I there, Hello, Welcome,Welcome. My name is Alan Cox.

(01:07):
You just heard it, but I'llsay it again. Thanks for being
here. Say hi to Bill Squire. He's here too. Creephus. Mary
Santora is there sitting pretty in midtownManhattan? Sure, I am man.
Let me see. Let me takea look at you today. Where's Mary?
Hey? There? She is?Don't look great on do that pose

(01:29):
again. Second, wait, Ican just go back and screenshot. I
love the awkward all teeth smile.That's great. I do apologize for the
screenshot I used yesterday. I doalways yesterday. I just I pushed it,
but I just was like grabbing itas the show was going, and
I didn't even look at it untillater and someone commented like, why did

(01:51):
you use that face of maryam Oh? I just thought it was, yeah,
whatever, what are you gonna doit? I mean, that is
your face. Well, it's justlike it does only face that you've got
one we've got. We're doing thebest with what we're working with. People,
all right, If you'd like tojoin us, don't let us stop
you two one six five seven eightone double oh seven. If you want

(02:13):
to join us live on the phoneeight hundred and three four eight one double
oh seven three five to text me, you can watch live at Alan Coockshow
dot comments, where you're going tosee Mary's face and our f you'll see
Cam Patterson's face later on. He'sgoing to be in here, excited to
talk to him. He's doing Uhgot a bunch of sold out shows over
there at Hilarities and uh Oh.On my way to work this morning,

(02:37):
I was behind a car the heada window sticker that just said your mom's
a hoe, which I thought wasfunny. Not it's not funny in and
of itself, but I just likedworking out the entire process from purchase to
a fixing it to the window ofthe car, because there are a number

(02:59):
of decisions that need to be madein that process. Right, maybe she
made it herself. It was ashe maybe unless she was driving somebody else's
car. Maybe she made it herself, but most likely she bought it.
Right, your mom's a hoe.Hoe. Maybe it's a gardening pond.
I don't know, but probably not. You're probably it's no insult to call
somebody's mother a gardening implement. Soyour mom's a hoe. This woman had

(03:23):
to buy the sticker, wait forthe sticker, get it, and then
take it out unpeel. Then youhave to go where on my car?
I'm going to put this right.Anybody who's into bumper sticker is a loan
sticker on the car Loan sticker.Okay, that makes a huge difference,

(03:44):
because if it's a car with aplufora of stickers, it's just lost in
the shuffle. But if you haveone sticker and is your mom's a hoe,
You're trying to send a message toa specific mom. That's a good
point. That is an important detail. A single sticker on the window of
this car, not in the bumperwindow, so it's eye level. And
this person had to decide, like, I'm not a bumper sticker guy,

(04:06):
but people some people love plastering theircars a stickers. That's not what this
was. So maybe this is herinitial foray into the car sticker life or
whatever. But yeah, that onesticker, and so she would have had
to have peeled the backing off.She would have had to have decided where
on her car it should be featuredas to be most prominent clean spot.

(04:29):
Do you clean that spot? Yep? And she opted for lower left of
the back hatch window. There,your mom's a hoe. And then she's
just driving around and in front ofme this morning on my way in,
I like, I got a goodtoortal off of that total achortal. Mary.

(04:50):
You know it's hot there in NewYork today. Yes, she had
a good time before the show.I can't kind of so I went to
the nails on yesterday. There's anailon right next to the station, and
it's really nice, like inside,it's beautiful. It's probably it's called New
York Nails and spat oh they reallydug deep. Oh yeah, but it's

(05:13):
really nice. Like then. I'vebeen to probably five or six since I've
been here, and this is definitelythe nicest, biggest one, very clean.
So I went in yesterday. Igot a petticare of peticures. Great,
but I decided I didn't like thenail color. That's totally me,
nothing wrong. But I went backin today and I was like, hey,
can I just get my color change? I just want to a different
color. I don't know. Itwas like yesterday I got like an orange

(05:35):
that I wanted it to be muchbrighter than it was and ended up being
almost like a burnt orange and kindof made my tonails just look dirty.
I want a summer orange. Yeah, I wanted like a bright orange.
So I went back and the girlOrigin was like twenty dollars. I was
like, for a polished change,like get that. The pedicure. The
whole pedicure was only sixty. Iwas like, so you want to charge

(05:57):
me twenty dollars to change the coloron my nails, and then the lady
who did my nails came up tothe front remembered me, and she's like,
I'll do it for free, justtip me and I was like okay.
So she shook me the back.No ten dollars no, I mean,
it was totally chill. I gaveher ten bucks and then she's like,
are you sure? Are you sure? And I was like yeah.
So I'm sitting there. They havelike the little dryer that you put your
toes under. Right, I'm sittingat the dryer just playing a Sodoku on

(06:19):
my phone. And I don't knowif she was busy or if like,
I gave her twenty bucks yesterday andthen ten bucks today, so she's made
thirty dollars off me in the pasttwenty four hours. So the new lady
comes up. She starts rubbing myback and I was like, I was
like, oh, that's nice.I'll let her rub it back. I'm
sitting there because they oh that's nice. Am I being assaulted here? Oh?
It is? It is? Anda spa, Yes, they have

(06:40):
like a full list of massages andfacials and like entire packages that you can
spend all day, like it's areally nice place. And so I'm like,
hell, yeah, rub my shoulders, you know, well my little
toes dry. It's about I wasearly in today, so it was probably
like twelve fifteen that I'm in thecity, so I got plenty of time.
And she's like rubbing my shoulders andshe goes, oh, you're so
tight, You're so tight. Iwas like, I know. I'm like,
I can't stress in my shoulders.I'm not going to do the boy

(07:03):
and uh. And she was likeshe pointed to this thing on like the
menu that was in front of methat was an Indian head rub okay Indian
head massage, and she pointed toit and she was like, you need
that. And I was like,no, no, I don't need it.
I don't need it. And shewas like, just thirty minutes,
I'll give you a discount. AndI was like no, I'm good.
I'm good. She goes, comeon, come with me. And so

(07:24):
the next thing, I'm like ina room with this lady and she goes,
take your shirt off. This iswhere like their fingers are all over
your face. Well, she goes, this is before any of that.
She just goes take your shirt off. I was like, what I'm like
in a room with this little verydemanding and pushing Chinese lady agent. She
might not be Chinese, but itdid say like Chinese spot yeah. Well

(07:46):
it's probably a fair assumption if itsays Chinese spa yeah. So she's like,
take your shirt off. I waslike what. And I have like
a like a flowy top with anathletic bra on underneath, and so I
like took the top off and Ilaid down and then she pointed like at
my sports bra and she was like, off is happening? So I like,

(08:07):
I like pulled the massage. Now, I like pulled the covers up
over my boobs, and I liketook my sports bra off and like threw
it in the corner. And shestarts like rubbing my shoulders, and she
just kept saying bad, bad,so bad, so bad, And I
was like, what is happening rightnow? So then she's like rubbing my
shoulders and then she gets into myhead and the only way I can describe

(08:30):
this head massage is as chaotic,like I've never had an Indian head massage
before, but it was like I'mgonna see what they look like on the
YouTube. It was. It wasinsane. It was just like she was
taking her hands in like you know, like you flick water okay off your
fingertips, but the opposite like squeezingit up. And she was just doing
that all over my head for likefifteen minutes, and I was like,

(08:52):
what is going on right now?And then she starts like squeezing my ears
and then she goes back to myshoulders and she's like like, I mean,
she is so strong, and sheis going in and going in,
and then she gets to my faceand she starts like insulting me. She
was like, not funny, youwill never be funny, pushing on the

(09:16):
space between my eyes, and shejust kept going so tired, so tired,
and I was like, dude.And then she's like pushing on my
cheeks and she had she got downto like buy around my mouth and she
said something along the lines of yourmuscles are sore. You talk too much.
And I was like, you don'tknow me, like she can tell

(09:37):
though, lady, you haven't stoppedtalking since I showed up here. Oh
I was silent, like the wholetime. I was like, first of
all, you lure me into thisroom with a discount, and then you're
insulting me and telling me my shouldersare bad and my I'm too tired.
Well know, but you do talkfor a living. That's not an insult.
That's actually that's quite that's quite alook into your life. She was.

(10:01):
She was able to ascertain that througha massage to being able to feel
your face muscle and go, youtalk to me. She's a kinesiologist.
She's let impressed. That's amazing.Well, so she's doing all this stuff
where she's poking on my she's callingit reflex Oliday, poking on my face
and like yanking on my ears andlike she's I'm not easily when I was
saying, she's pulling my hair likeshe like grabbed it, were you lid

(10:22):
it in and yanked it? AndI was like, what are you doing?
This is insane. She's only takingMary for a ride, she dude,
she did, and so she andthen she gets back into my shoulders
and she's telling me how tired Iam and how much I need a full
body massage, and I was like, I don't have to. I don't
even have time. She wanted totake the rest of your clothes off,
probably but she at one point shepulled my arms above my head and was

(10:43):
like jiggling my arms around and myleft boot bopped out because she's like swinging
me around all fast, but shehad both my arms, so I like
couldn't grab the blanket. You hada wardrobe malfunction at your your head in
his room. And do you thinkshe really cares about your boobs? No?
But it was just still weird becauseshe's like she's got them all the

(11:05):
way above my head and like therang a tank no my arms and she's
like swinging my arms so they're likethey're bouncing around, man, And I'm
like, oh my god, thisis insane. Like I came in here
to get the color on my toes, case, like how did I end
up here? That's exactly what Ithink. I'm like, now my boobs
are out. This lady she's jigglingaround everywhere, and so then she's like,

(11:26):
oh, your nipples are so tired. Yeah, they probably have a
hidden camera in there and she wasjust doing all that stuff to get your
boobs to come out. And nowit's going to be on the Chinese internet
maybe, and so like afterward,I'm not refreshed, my ears are hot
because she kept yanking on them,telling me it was did something in my

(11:46):
legs that the ears are all everything'sconnected. It's trying to release those toxins,
I guess. But like, myears are hot right now, like
they hurt almost and I go upto the end, I'm like, I
know, I don't already know.This is going to be way more expensive,
and whatever would I She charged mefor the back massage she gave me
when I was sitting in the chair, and then she charged me for the
Asian head massage, and then shecharged me for hot rocks. I didn't

(12:07):
a word, So I went infor a toenail polish change and I came
out it was one hundred and fiftydollars, and I was like, dude,
what what just happened? Like itall happened so fast that I was
like, that is an amazing saleswomanby the boy, because I was like,
oh, she's probably just being nicebecause I mean ten dollars to change
the polish on my toes it tookher five minutes. I felt like that

(12:28):
was a pretty nice sized It wason one hundred. You know, it's
New York City. I'm sure shegets tipped huge. But I was like,
it all happened in a matter ofminutes, Like I went from changing
my toe color to my breasts outwiggling, and then I order I order
one hundred dollars one hundred and fiftydollars plus tap, And I was like,
what just happened? See, Igot taken, I got taken for

(12:48):
a ride. I was like,oh my god. But I'm like,
is this gonna be one of thosesituations where I'm gonna feel amazing tomorrow,
Like I'm gonna wake up and belike, Wow, I can't believe she
like loosened my shoulders so much?Or did I just get scammed? Wow?
I have audiovo. What that soundedlike? Bill La is like you

(13:09):
just got Chinese massage and spot goodday, milady. Wow, get tired
to the bone. I'm paying forit, Like I don't I don't even
know. I don't know what justI feel. I heel taken advantage of,
but a little bit relaxed but alsoinsulted like this that's how they get
you. I'm a wash and allthese different competing emotions. It was a

(13:33):
lot of emotion. I feel relaxedand yet more anxious than ever. Very
strange, very strange. Wow.But I booked an appointment for a full
body next week. So that's thesuggestive selling kidding, that's the SPA version
of would you like fries? Withthat? Yeah? Man? So that
was my day because I'm like,I'll come in early, I'll edit some
video, you know, I'll getmy toenails changed because I was done with

(13:56):
the toe polish at twelve fifteen.So I fully planned on just coming into
the studio and setting up shop andyou know, getting some work done.
And you should go back in thereand just to ask her, how did
you do that? It was cool? I never saw it coming. How
did you do they teach me that? To sell people stuff after shows?
Yeah? Like, how do Iget one hundred and fifty dollars worth of
merch into everybody's hand? She's likeaffleck and boiler room there she really went

(14:16):
in see wow, Yeah, allright, oh congratulations. Oh That's where
I'm at right now. I feelmy face feels very smooth. But that's
where we're at. And now Mary'scovering up her hot ears with headphones.
They are It's really very uncomfortable.How hot my ears a they're still hot.
Huh yeah, dude. And Imean we finished it probably like one

(14:41):
thirty, no, probably one fifteen. Gets some fiery lobes up in there.
Oh my god. Oh very strange. Oh and then she like cleaned
me up with a towel. I'mlike, this is very uncomfortable. She
like pulled out towels and was likewiping the lotion off. But she did
it like five times, and Iwas like, do you think I'm dirty
or something like, oh, yeah, she does. After that boob popped

(15:01):
out, it was confirmed. Yeah, clevelanders are damn proud their city.
Come on, you were born here, he moved here. This is a
man that has endured real torture ina foreign setting. So who's the real
hero? I would hope people wouldlisten to our heroes. Alms Guardians baseball

(15:35):
tonight. They are up in Torontoto play the Blue Jays. The seven
o seven start tonight here on theBuzzard Buzzard v Blue Jay. Blue Jays
are okay, they're a little bitsouth of five hundred, but nowhere near
your Cleveland Guardians. So that's thefirst of three before the Guards come back

(15:56):
home next week to host the Mariners, and then the blue jays come to
town for a couple of home stretchesthere. But you know why they're called
the Toronto blue jays, the Torontoblue jays. I mean, they haven't
been around that long, the bluejays, because blue jays are partial to
maple trees. I don't know,I asked you. I mean, that's

(16:18):
as good as good of an exampleas I don't know why they're called the
Toronto blue jays. I don't knowif I mentioned it. I installed a
birdhouse with a camera in it.Those are fun, and then my wife
gets notifications on her phone when there'sa bird, you know, it's a

(16:41):
thing that's full of seed, andthen there's a Wi Fi camera in the
middle of it, and it's calledI was laughing because I said, oh,
they're just slapping AI onto everything now. But I guess that what that
means is that when you get thenotification, it also identifies the bird for
you. And so I thought thatwe were going to be treated to just
this vast array of avy and wildlifearound, you know, because there's always

(17:02):
crows in our backyard and things likethat. Basically, it looks like two
birds have posted up and they're comingback and there's a couple of Cardinals.
It's like bright red cardinals that arethe most frequent visitors to this video birdhouse.
Other than that, it's pretty cool. I mean, it's a cool
thing, you know. It's,you know, something my daughter can look

(17:25):
at. But I thought it wasgonna I thought every day we were going
to be treated to some kind ofnew bird on the on the perch from
their territory. Yeah, so farnot the case. Well, they've unveiled
the team logos and the jerseys forthe first season of Utah's brand new NHL
team for our bureau chiefs out therein the Gray City of Utah. Course,

(17:47):
it used to be the Phoenix Coyotesand they moved up to Salt Lake
City and they left it to thefans up there, or the potential fans
to come up with a name.I don't think that they've got a name
yet. They're calling it the UtahHockey Club. So for the first season,
they've just got jerseys that say Utahon them. There was I think

(18:11):
we briefly went over the list abouta week or so ago. But they
like the Utah YETI some people likeI didn't. None of them really blew
up my skirt. I don't rememberwhat the but they got a lot of
submissions for the names. They shouldhave kept them in Arizona and just call
them ice, the Arizona Ice.Yeah, there's a lot of ice there,

(18:36):
sure like the Utah Jazz. No. I was thinking more like the
deportation, oh immigration situation. Yeah, well yeah, they got a lot
of submissions from people. And Idon't know what the land on, but
I'm sure there's a lot of Utahmoms who heard they could win a Stanley
Cup and got excited. But idiots, big dummy, big big dummies.

(19:03):
I like hockey club. I thinkthey should just stay hockey club. I
mean, Washington football team didn't botherme. I love Washington and like so
many soccer teams are just like CincinnatiFC. Yeah, I think that's just
fine. Yep, I got noproblem with that. Call it you Utah
Hockey club. Like if the ifthe Guardians had become Cleveland baseball team,

(19:26):
I would have been like, yeah, super yeah. Uh Hey gay Lord,
hey gang and happy Friday. What'sgoing on? Gaylord? Mister Cox?
I wanted to say that my wifemay be taking me out to party.

(19:51):
Yeah, yeah, well it's apublic place, Skylord. Didn't do
whatever you like out there. Oh, come on, I will be up.
I will be out there at Pickstomorrow afternoon in Portage Lakes, I
know. And we'll the chance tomake your hand of course. Well you

(20:14):
can fist bump me. Yes,I rarely shake hands, but I'm always
happy to fist bump Kailord. Well, it would be a pleasure mine,
you say, And I would loveto introduce my wife to you. Well,
you all are so dear to meand I want to start meeting you

(20:42):
all, uh personally. And thenext one I would love to see is
miss Santoora, So when she's backclevelandry, Yeah, I would love to

(21:03):
see you too. So well,see if that can all your your poor
wife, your poor long suffering wife, gaylord, she's just you're asking her
to drive you around to these thingsthat poor woman couldn't care less. And
well, listen, if you're outthere tomorrow, let make sure you say
hello. Okay, gaylord, sheknows I'm a big fan ta all of

(21:25):
you and I love you all dearly. I listen to you all all the
time, and I want to seemister Squire again. I'm sure you'll get
that, chick. I got plentyof shows coming, all right, Okay,
hey, thank you, gay lord. If you're I love you all.

(21:49):
Have a good day, all right, you too, Gaylord? Happy
Father's Day. The name blue Jays, by the way, they've only been
around since nineteen seventy six. Ihave got a blue pretty long time baseball
I'm saying the baseball team. Imean, I have a blue Jay shirt
and says since nineteen seventy six.And I mean that's all my brother is.

(22:11):
And they basically just took suggestions frompeople in Toronto and pulled a name.
They had to name the team contest. They got four thousand suggestions.
When they got the expansion team,one hundred and fifty four people suggested blue
Jays. I still don't know whatthe what the significance of that is.
And they pulled a name. Thegrand winner was a periodontist from a Tobaco,

(22:37):
a guy named doctor William Mills.And but I don't know why so
many people came up with Blue Jay. I don't know, but there it
is. Maybe Woody will tell me, Woody, please tell me you've got
some information on the blue Jays.Now, you know, I'm not talking
about the OJS, right, Iknow we talked music a lot. I'm

(22:57):
not talking about the OJS. Man. That is some soul music. Whoa
slow down? Yeah, I've gotyeah, I've got a entire like a
variant. Like I've got so manydifferent kinds of birds in my backyard,

(23:18):
right, but blue jays. Bluejays are like just vicious. Yeah,
I don't know, for a poundfor pounds, they're the toughest and the
biggest bullies flying around other than youknow, birds of prey. It's it's
amazing how how much of a toughguy blue Jays actually are. Well that

(23:41):
must be why they thought it wasan appropriate name for the new Canadian baseball
team back in the seventies. Butyeah, but I'll tell you a story
being me and my girls just watchedthis happen. Uh. There was a
blue jay making a nest up inone of my trees, and I had
a put the garden in and therewas a white zip tie on one of

(24:03):
the tomato cages. And we watchedthis blue jay come fly out of the
tree and try to rip this zip, this white little white zip tie off
this tomato cage for two hours,and he was not given up. He
needed that that white zip tie offthat tomato cage. He was not going
to give up. And I wentout there and took a pair of scissors

(24:26):
and I sniffed it in half,and sure, as you know, shrimp,
he came down and got it,and he was happy as a blue
jay. I thank you what Iappreciate a call for this segment. They
initially wanted to call the team theToronto Blues. People liked Toronto Blues,

(24:47):
but that had already been being usedby the University of Toronto. So they
said, well, there are alot of other We thought Blues should be
in it, and there were alot of other teams using birds. There
were the Cardinals and the Orioles,so we went with blue Jays. It's
as simple as that. Why didyou come up with that name? There
you go. We have a lotof well a lot, I don't know.

(25:08):
We have about three or four bureauchiefs in the city of Omaha,
Nebraska. And a guy got introuble there. A dude working at a
Motel six. They've been having somefinancial problems at this Motel six and they
had to do some forensic accounting andtalk to some of the other employees and

(25:29):
find out what was going on.And one of the problems was that they
had a clerk at the Motel sixwho was a word had gotten out that
he was taking ground beef as payment. Nice. How does word get out?
I mean not only that, butessensibly it's people coming from other places.

(25:51):
It's not like Omahan's. If that'swhat they're called, local people who
are staying there, you have tothink that it's people. So how would
anybody think to take beef as payment? But that's what was going on.
They were having problems with this guy. Local police and city leaders say that

(26:12):
this particular location, the Motel six, is in a kind of a crime
you know, a high crime area. It's in a crimey area, and
there were people taking ground beef aspayment. The night clerk was accepting ground
beef as payment for a room.We've been working with their corporate headquarters because

(26:34):
their corporate headquarters at last conversation wehad that location does not meet their industry
branding standards. Oh you think,just so I'm clear, he was accepting
what for payment, ground beef?Sir, I'm sorry, that doesn't meet
our industry branding standards, although it'sa good pun branding. Ah, so

(26:59):
that I there. They got ridof him and said, hey, hey,
hey, we just want to letyou guys know you can no longer
accept I wonder if they had totype out a note on the door and
stick it up there, we couldyou know, like sometimes you walk into
a place and go, ay,cash only, our machines are down,
and that's where in twenty twenty fouryou tip the f out of there and

(27:22):
walk the other way because who's walkingaround with cash? But some places do
that our machines are down cash only, or this machine only takes cards.
You can't slip cash in there thereverse these guys, I don't know if
they put a sign up and said, hey, no more ground beef as
payment, back to money only.Sorry. Sorry, Yeah, there was

(27:48):
a thing in the news that speakinto meet I think in the news this
morning. You know how they lovegreased poles in Philadelphia? Oh yeah,
and I don't mean people from Poland. Oh that's what everyone knows about Philly.
Well that anytime that they have likea huge sports celebration or whatever,
they'll grease utility poles downtown and thenit's like a game to see who can

(28:08):
get up there. And part ofthat is when they do like street festivals
or other things, they will peoplewill get up there and they'll hang meats
and cheeses up on the poles.And this is a big issue for the
city workers there in Philadelphia because thenthe city goes. You get the goddamn
meat and cheeses down with you,but then they grease the poles and then

(28:30):
it turns into a whole thing wherepeople climb the pole. This is what
constitutes fun in Philadelphia. No,it's celebration. Is that what it is?
Well, isn't Don't you want tohave a good time while they're celebrating.
So I think it's long about Itdoesn't happen just all the time.
It's just usually when they're celebrating,right, Yeah, But the trouble is

(28:51):
climbing the well. The meats andcheeses are still up there. They haven't
gotten them down. Imagine you're walkingaround in a ninety five degree Philly afternoon
and the air is wafting with slowlyrotting meats and Jesus. Now for me,
you know, meats and cheeses isone of my favorite slang for men's
junk, So I assume that's notwhat they mean. I assume they mean

(29:11):
real meats and cheeses. People justlike to be on elevated services. First
off, it's a cultural thing inthe city. That is the greatest quote
of all. People just like tobe on elevated surfaces. Right, How
do you not know this? Peoplejust like to be on elevated services.
First off, it's a cultural thingin the city. When we won the
Super Bowl a few years back,everyone was climbing poles. We just love

(29:33):
to climb poles in the city.I just feel like it's so unique.
People climbing poles for meats and cheeseslike it's a sport. It's sell your
nick mats and cheese, sell yourI might create a healthier person if you're
climbing for your meats and cheeses ratherthan just picking them off off a shelf.
Yeah. Utility poles there in Phillyare essentially like meat and cheese trees.

(29:56):
People just climbing up and m becauseyou know what you get up to
that top both the meat and cheese, it's gonna be nice and sweaty.
Sweaty meats and cheeses. Well,congratulations to a people there in Philadelphia.
We haven't heard from Joe and Phillyin a long time. No, yeah,
I brought that off a cop.Nobody's not dead. No, he's
not dead. Press the yellow buttonto begin enjoying your Alan. What is

(30:21):
an Alan show? On one pointseven w m MS? What's your finger
bag finger bag bang bang bang,finger bang bang, finger bag bang bang
bang, finger bag bang, fingerbag bang bang bang, finger bang bang,

(30:44):
finger bag bang bang, finger bangbang bang bang, binger bang bang.
Brian, He's got bang bang bang, binger bang bang, finger bang

(31:07):
bang bang bang, binger bang bang, binger bang bang bang bang binger bang.
You know, Brian calls the afterhours line a lot and just leaves
random messages, and usually it's justhim, you know, maybe playing guitar
or something like that. But boyfinger bang, Yeah. I mean,
he definitely likes to jam in alot of different ways. So good for

(31:33):
him. I hope that somebody getshim hip to what that's all about.
This is usually what he leaves forme, just him playing guitar. You
should put him in Dick in thesame room and see what they come out
with. Dick with a Mandolin.I'd love to put an Alan Cox Show

(31:56):
all star band together. It's Brian, It's Dick, it's Gaylord singing.
Oh God. We'll figure out somethingfor drunk suit to do. Should play
the cow bell or something. Tambourine, Yeah, tambourine. You get that
bruise on your thigh. Next weekon the show, what will I have

(32:16):
for you to win? Glad youasked? You want to go see ever
Clear? They're playing with Marcie Playgroundin Jimmy's Chicken Shack. It's in October
at the House of Blues. It'sgonna be another week of you getting qualified
for that Hawaii trip. Here onthe air, I'll be out in Portage
Lakes again tomorrow getting people qualified forthis trip. I'll be at Picks out

(32:39):
in Portage Lakes tomorrow from two tofour. And that's a good way for
you to get qualified. You cango to WMMS dot com to find out
everywhere I'm gonna be. But nextweek on the show, all you'll have
to do is call in and qualify. Five night trip to Hawaii will fly
you out, put you up,give you a thousand bucks on top of
everything else. Also passes for ourpenultimate Alan Cox Show night on the Cleveland

(33:05):
Funny Bus. I will be yourhost this coming Wednesday. That bus is
sold out, so your only wayon will be to win from me on
Monday or Tuesday. Sarah Silverman,she's on the road. She's coming to
play Playhouse Square in September. Anybodygoing to Sarah Silverman? You go into
that bill. I don't know whenit's what date? Saturday September twenty first,

(33:29):
Yeah, I think I might go. No, Yeah, Sarah,
I'd like to see her. I'venever seen her stand up live. I
haven't seen her in a long longtime, like like right after SNL when
she was on I think I sawher. But let's see her again in
a theater setting. Fancy and DaveMatthews band they're doing They're a Blossom in

(33:50):
a couple of weeks June twenty fifth, So if you're into Dave Matthews band,
I will have those tickets for you. Hold on, I'm seeing Ben
Folds that night. Oh I'm attwenty first. What is the twenty first
of what? Saturday September twenty first? Oh wait, no, no,
no? When is Ben ben Foldsis the same night as Dave Matthews.

(34:10):
Oh, June twenty fifth, y'all? Yeah, where's Ben Folds? Uh?
The good Year Theater in Actress.Ah, June twenty fifth is mine
and Brian's four year anniversary. It'smore important. So Ben Folds, what
time is that about? For?Yeah? And that one of my favorite
artists for so long, benout this? Yeah, Ben Folds, okay,

(34:36):
and he does the thing called thepaper Airplane Tour where Bay gets where you
write paper Airplane Request Tour, everybodywrites down what song they wanted to play,
and then you throw it on thestage and he walks around the stage
and picks things up and goes,yeah, I'll play that. Is it
just him and a piano now?Or is it him and the four other
dudes? I think this is justhim and the piano. So it's not
the ben Folds five. No.No, that hasn't been the ben Folds

(34:59):
yph for twenty five years. Oh? Really? Was that just a one
off thing? They did two albums? Oh? I didn't know that,
like the John Mayer trio. Yeah, huh. I think he did two
albums with them, maybe three.I think it was just two, and
then all solo albums from there Wow, look at that. You don't have
to pay a band or anything.Is you at a piano? Does he

(35:19):
play guitar or is it just piano. I think it's just piano. So
all his songs are him and apiano at this torio. And that's one
of your favorite artists. Yeah,I love it. Wow. I mean
John Mayer's solo tour was awesome.I saw it twice, like when.
So if it's Ben Folds and apiano, I mean John Mayer did piano
and guitar, and if you lovethat like intimate kind of setting, it's

(35:40):
so much fun. Yeah, don't. Okay, So you and Brian four
years on the twenty fifth, howwill you celebrate made plans? I'm sorry,
we're not going to go to BenFolds. He made plans already.
He told me he's got it alltaken care of. Oh not with some
somebody else. He made plans.Yeah, I'm busy that night, stupid.

(36:01):
Well it's a Tuesday, That's whyI ask. I mean, well,
I'm in Chicago the next night,so I'm coming home. I'll broadcast
with you guys Tuesday, and thenI'll whatever we're doing that night. Uh,
we're going to do that and thenI go to Chicago next day.
But I think it's probably just gonnabe like dinner, probably nothing crazy.
Well that'll be fun. Yeah,yeah, well brag yeah, no,

(36:27):
fear said. Is it a bragto be with someone for four years?
Sure? I don't know. Imean, you know, why not,
it's your relationship. Should brag aboutit. However, you see fit,
thank you and given the the youknow, it's it's had its ups and
downs, and you're in New Yorknow and he's back here and so that's
no small thing. So yeah,you know, celebrate love. I mean,

(36:52):
first time I was married, itwas I only made it six years
and we were in the same house, soh yeah, give it up.
So you're gonna be in here onthe twenty fifth. Then you drive Chicago
to do Zanies. Yes, gotchSo I got to do that. I
love. I've only ever been tothe Old Ton one one time. Yeah,

(37:13):
and I just did like a guestset for a friend of mine,
little five minute set. So thisis like a big deal. It's like
a it's a historic club. Everybodyknows it, so I it's like the
last original stand up club in Chicago. That's left. They've put up other
ones. They put up like thethey built a comedy factory or something in
effect, whatever you are, Andye, yeah, it built all those

(37:35):
but Zanies is still there. Allthe other ones from that era went away.
That's where the Zanies where I didmy my farewell show before I came
to Cleveland. It's a lot offun. Pulled out my best twenty minutes
and had some other pals up thereand loved that. I think everybody that
I knew is gone, but Idon't think Bert has is running it anymore,
and no I don't. I don'tthink Rick Geezer is the booker,

(37:57):
but I don't know who's running itnow. But it's just a great It's
everything you want in a room.It's low ceiling and it's not massive,
and yeah, it's awesome, veryexcited. Well good, Yeah, So
I'm reading this book on well,it's not a variety of things, but
one of them is choreomania. Youknow what choreomania is. No, these

(38:20):
mass hysteria events throughout history, andone of them the dance. They used
to call them dancing plagues. Thefancy schmancy word for it was coromania.
But the dancing plagues. And againthis is in like the fifteen hundreds,
where nobody knew anything about anything,right and where people developed this sudden urge

(38:44):
to dance. But anyway, butthis book is very interesting because it kind
of covers mass hysterical events and tiesthem to modern day. The Salem witch
Trials are in there because that's consideredobviously that's an event of mass hysteria that

(39:05):
obviously, looking back, you go, well, that's ridiculous. But at
the time, imagine being in themiddle of that, right where you were
in a town at a time wherepeople are like, oh, there are
witches everywhere. I mean, there'sstill people. You can't even look back
at these and go haha, ha, these dummies, because there's still people
today who believe this stuff. Sonot everything has changed. There's a story

(39:30):
about the Hammersmith Ghost in this book. But here's the one thing that jumped
out at me, and it's onlybecause I know this town well and the
nature of it. Mattoon, Illinois. It's a small town. As I've
mentioned before, on my mom's side, my extended family are largely rural people
from downstate Illinois, and Matun isa small town it's about three hours due

(39:54):
south of Chicago. And in themid forties, one of the story or
is in this book of mass hystericalevents, was about the mad gasser.
Is this farts. They weren't surewhat it was, but they were trying
to they were trying to pin iton somebody. And so this entire town

(40:19):
of Mattoon, Illinois, in themid forties was overcome by widespread panic.
Not the band. A woman,patient zero maybe had overcome She had been
overcome by this odor, and shesaid that it caused a temporary paralysis in

(40:39):
her legs. And people started toreport seeing a tall man wearing dark clothing
and a cap standing outside people's windowsand they would see them and they would
go out to chase this person andhe'd be gone, and they would They

(41:00):
were all starting to report these variousdisturbances and that people would report temporary paralysis
after smelling what they said was ahorrible odor. And they brought you know,
this is the mid forties, right, World War two times, so

(41:22):
people are anxious. They don't know, you know, the world's in turmoil.
They brought in chemical weapons experts becausethey thought, well, maybe it's
something that the friggin' Nazis are doingor whatever. But they had groups of

(41:43):
people roaming the streets of Matun tryingto find this mad Gasser, that's what
they call them, the mad Gasser. All these people started reporting a tall
man wearing dark clothing, but nobodycould ever find him. And everybody had
their theories, maybe it's an escapeda Nazi pow. But in the end,

(42:05):
they never found any evidence of thisperson. Well, and that's the
thing, I mean, that's theI mean, I think the conclusion they
eventually came to is, you know, when one person tells a story,
other people go, yeah, Isaw them too, you know. But
they never found out who the madGasser was. But Matoon, Illinois was

(42:31):
one of the mass hysteria events inthis book. Now it stands to reason
that there could be a modern daymad Gasser. You know how there's a
you'll read documentary watch documentaries or aboutcopycat criminals and what they mean a criminal
though the mad not a criminal perse, but I mean someone of interest

(42:55):
when a town is beset by somekind of weird situation, you know,
and and then some people start tosay that they see him, and sure,
you know, whether or not there'sany kind of cause and effect.
I don't know, but people certainlythought there was, and maybe there would
be a modern day mad Gasser.It'd be hard, though, to even

(43:16):
in a small town in twenty twentyfour, it'd be hard to to slip
around unnoticed, especially if you're talland you're wearing dark clothing and you're standing
outside people's windows. Somebody's gonna getyou, or they're gonna get a picture
of you. Huh, They're gonnaget you. They're gonna get you.

(43:37):
So I don't know if there areany memorials. Again, I haven't been
to mattu in Illinois since I wasa child, but I wonder if there's
any kind of marker or memorial inhonor of the mad Gasser in nineteen forty
four. But they never found him, never found him. Speaking of books,

(43:59):
you know, big win for bibliophilesin of all places, Texas.
You know, libraries now for quitesome time, they've been under fire by
all these right wing snowflakes about books, and the State of Texas, of
all places, ruled that public librariescan't remove books about butts and farts.

(44:23):
You know, you might have noticedif you have small children, you know
this or kids of you know,there has been a massive increase in books
about butts and farts, Like there'syou know, my daughter when she was
younger was reading there's a whole seriesof books about like the dinosaur who swallowed
his butts or something, you know, his butt swallowed the universe or whatever.

(44:45):
There you go. When I wasa kid, there were no books
about butts and farts. There waslike everybody poops, and that was you
know, everybody's clutching their pearls oreverybody poops. Now there's a ton of
books butts and farts because a itteaches you a little bit and b it's
funny. But in Texas they saidthat you cannot remove books about butts and

(45:10):
farts, and w LGBTQ books bannedthere. Yes, those are still banned.
Short So if you have a gaybutt that is probably or gay farts,
well talk about gay farts. Iimagine somebody else might bring that case
to the I don't know, youknow. The the what we have now
in this country is we have anAmerican Taliban, and they want to tell

(45:34):
you what you can and can't dowith your butt. But what they're at
least saying a little bit there inTexas is our farts will not be litigated
or or mitigated. You can't banthese butt and fart books in Texas.
Might recall a couple of years agoin fact Texas with the state where they

(45:58):
banned a book at a square thatwas named after the author. So that's
what you're working with in Texas.What was it George Dawson Middle School?
No, No, what was thebook? Oh, Life is So Good?
He was a black author named GeorgeDawson, and they named a school
after him. It was a middleschool. He was the grandson of a

(46:21):
slave, He learned to read atninety eight and then wrote a book about
his life when he was one hundredand three. This guy, you figure,
if you make it to ninety eight, you go one of my I've
been people have been reading things tome for ninety eight years. And so

(46:42):
there was a school that bore hisname. It was George Dawson Middle School.
And the school banned his book becauseit talked about being the grandson of
a slave, one man's extraordinary journeythrough the twentieth century, and how he
learned to read at age ninety eight. So that's usually what you're dealing with
in places like Texas and Florida.But as far as butts and farts go,

(47:10):
for now, at least they're fine. They're above board, and kids
down there can really Uh, yourniece picked the wrong time to leave Texas,
is all I'm trying to say.Bill, I don't know what the
State of Ohio's thoughts are on booksabout butts and farts. I don't know.
I hope for it me too.When people talking about twerking, no

(47:35):
buddy seems to mention the ponds thatwin. You do what lot of twirking?
Sometimes it makes you farts work,farts swork, tork work, fart
t work, farts twork, torkork, fart t work, farts work,
tark tork farts work. Fuck areyspeaking of Texas, by the wayes who

(47:58):
do win? I said? Speakingof Texas Alex Jones, today's the day
he gets to keep his house anda couple other things. But they're going
to liquidate everything else the guy owns, because oh yeah, are even gonna
come close one point five billion dollars? No? Nope, No, So

(48:22):
that's a good question. I don'tknow that they've I don't. I don't
know what they've kept lists of theinventory of his curtains remains to be seen.
But he had been fighting this fora while and saying that info Wars
was almost almost no more. Andhe'd of course been you know, bull
shrimping people for so long. It'sa difficult at this stage to tell what's

(48:42):
true and what's not. But theyhad been waiting to hear if you know,
how much of his assets were goingto be liquidated, And today was
the day that the judge decided thathe has to sell off his personal assets
a chapter seven liquidation, you know, Chapter eleven bankruptcy is I understand,
is when people just kind of reorganizetheir debts with creditors and things like that.

(49:04):
Chapter seven is like everything must go. So no, he's got he
gets to keep his house. Hehad to sell his ranch. He had
a big old ranch that was wortha couple million dollars. He had to
sell that. Gets to keep hishouse and a couple other things. But
most of the rest of his personalbelongings will be auctioned off to the public.

(49:25):
His jewelry, his gun collection.Now, over the course since this
Sandy Hook verdict came down and thatmonetary judgment. He has been funneling money
to. You know, he wasstarting to create like LLC's and Shell companies
in his dad's name. And soit's not like this guy's going to be

(49:45):
broke. That was a way forhim to go. I don't have anything,
but what they're gonna I think somebodyelse already controls Info Wars. So
again, if you're an Info Warsfan, see how much you got on
you dig deep, why not supportmonetarily the artists you really like? So

(50:07):
yeah, they gotta they gotta getrid of everything. Texas law allows him
to keep his home that's a twomillion dollar house, but other than that,
everything's going to go. But obviouslyit's not going to come anywhere near
what he owes the Sandy Hook families. But it couldn't happen to a nicer
guy. So congratulations, Alex Jones. Some things are never meant to be

(50:31):
discussed in polite society. I welcometo in polite society. Show one WMMX.

(51:07):
Did you ever get into R.E. M. Bill? Yeah,
I had some arim here. Imean growing up in the nineties listening
to so much like alternative radio.You're gonna have some Arim albums. They
had Orange Crush and Automatical People andyeah, God in the eighties and nineties,
boy it was it was almost likeyou had to like R. E.
M. I couldn't get into himat all. I liked him when

(51:29):
they rocked like this, like ifthey got a little heavier, but they
don't like the slower stuff that theynever sang stuff. Was the one with
the road sign on it. Thatwas a good one, too, Automatic
for the People that Automatically People think, So there's one more than I'm thinking.
Was that Automatic Cut was the Ihad like three albums that I would

(51:52):
listen to pretty regularly. Well theyhad There was Life's Rich Pageant, but
I think that was just like aregular cover. I thought Automatic for the
People was the one with the signon it green A T Time was the
one to sign on it well becauseit's not necessarily a sign, but it
kind of looks like a road sign, like like a yellow logo. Automatically

(52:14):
People was a little bit after thatone. Yeah, No, I never
really got into him. That's theone. Well that's what this is from.
Yeah, I like Monster, What'sthe frequency Kenneth? Which is funny
because I was watching that For peoplethat don't know the story. Dan Rather
Many, like in the the lateeighties or something, had been a costed.

(52:35):
It was a big story at thetime. Dan Rather had been just
randomly accosted mugged by some guy onthe street who kept screaming at him,
Kenneth, what's the Frequency? Andso Arim called their song What's the Frequency
Kenneth And they mentioned that briefly inthat Dan Rather documentary. But Arim fans
are probably moist in the shorts becausethese guys played for the first time in
about seventeen years. Rim broke upsome time ago and Bill Barry their drummer.

(52:59):
That was great, but he hada brain tumor, like in mid
nineties, so he split from thatband like twenty five years ago. But
the other three remaining guys went onfor a little bit longer and then they
just all hated each other's guys.One of my favorite albums of all time,
by the way, I'm a bigWarren Zevon fan, and he did
a one off record called Hindu LoveGods, and it was probably eighty nine
or ninety and it was just himwith Rim. It was him and the

(53:22):
guys that weren't Michael Stipe were hisbacking band, and it's just a it's
covers, but it's like a greatfun album. Anyway, they got inducted
into the Songwriters Hall of Fame andso they played at that for the first
time in a long long time,and so that's leading speculation that maybe these
guys will bury the hatchets. Imean, you know, they're old guys

(53:42):
now, and I think everybody's melloweda little bit. You know. I
couldn't get into Rim, but justbecause Michael Stipe, it was just so
so something Michael Stipe was just waytoo self conscious for me or something I
couldn't vibe with it. They weredefinitely good at what they did. It
just wasn't fair. Yeah, alot of songs. But if you're an

(54:07):
old school Rim fan, you know, they did this whole big thing on
CBS this morning this past weekend wherethey were talking about getting inducted into the
Songwriters Hall of Fame, and theywere like, yeah, we we We
said it would take a comet tohit the earth for us to play again,
but maybe we'll do it again.Who knows. They got into the

(54:29):
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame backin seven, but they are now in
the Songwriters Hall of Fame, sowho knows, maybe they'll do something and
all of you RIM fans get veryvery excited. But they said, until
then, they are they're not sayinganything about it. If you listen to

(54:51):
us on iHeartRadio, tell me whereyou do that. Check in with me
if you're from out of state,because I like to know. Scott listens
in New York, Maine. Sarahis in Norwalk, Connecticut, April is
in Moore Park, California, isaiahsis in Jacksonville, Florida, and Aaron
is a new listener in Nashville.You live messages there too. Catching up

(55:15):
on the last few weeks on thepodcast. And an interesting thing I've noticed,
I think I have no numbers supportthis, but I think that in
an effort to not talk about yourbirthday, you're talking about it more chew
on that. By the way,I'm not talking about it at all.
Everybody else is talking about it becausethey're trying to get me to tell them

(55:36):
when it is. You'll notice I'mnot talking about it. Bill said,
oh if you if you slip,everybody gets a thousand dollars. You said
that now you suggested, and Isaid you said it, and I said,
fine, I'm not gonna slip by. And so since then, obviously
everybody else talks about Yeah, Idon't care. I don't even remember when
it is interesting, so I willchew on that. Thank you, Sarah.

(56:01):
The other day, Yes, ourbuddy Mark sent me a very nice
package. I don't know that Ihave any direct contact to him on social
media, but he's hits us upquite frequently, and he and his wife
sent me a nice package and itwas very, very thoughtful. Alex Jones

(56:22):
should have to go work for ahomeless shelter for the rest of his life.
Somebody said, don't do that homelessright exactly, listen to that crazy
He's give him a bowl at chiliand he'll forget, forget about the whole
thing. Yeah, you know,he's going to be reduced as screaming on
street corners, which is where heshould have been the whole time. Nobody

(56:43):
of that ilk should have ever gottenfarther than screaming on street corners, which
is what people like that used tohave to do, and people would rightly
walk right by them, not standthere and go That guy's got a real
point. I should buy something fromyou. You know what, Hey,
do you sell fish oil supplements?That will make me smart like you?

(57:07):
But yeah, I don't know.Well, we'll always have those bangers,
you know, in the last fewyears. And it was immediately after that
Sandy Hook verdict where this guy wastrying to make money any way he could,
and he released that covers album.We played a handful of those,
didn't we Those Alex Jones cover songs. They were bad, they were okay,

(57:28):
but they didn't sell. I thinkhe figured, oh, these rubes
in my audience, they will buywhatever I tell them to buy. That's
how he made the bulk of hismoney was selling supplements and g Force X
factor or whatever the hell he calledthem. But the album just laid there.
It flopped hard because I don't thinkpeople could get their heads around it

(57:50):
did again, your heart, youmight be right the world down there.
Those Greeks are coding and feeding likeI can't even tell what the songs are
because he's he's so graty, he'sso gravelly, and also like it's I
mean, these sound like things thathe would say, but just doesn't it.

(58:14):
I don't know, it's not hittingfrom me. That's a great song,
not great, Verdon. You don'tlike this song, Mary, it's
turning back especially not even Wowie Sleepa hater, Mary. I know my

(58:37):
job, man, it's your job. Yes, it's my job to be
a hater. So anyway, thankyou, sir for the message. I
am not the one talking about mybirthday. You know who also doesn't want
to talk about their birthday? DonaldTrump never heard of this guy. No,
he is seventy eight years old today, and he does not want people

(58:59):
focusing on that because he doesn't wantpeople to go, oh, you and
the other guy are both really reallyold, way too old. Yeah.
I mean it's a big deal ifyou're a child and you go that person's
only three years older than me.But when you're seventy eight and the other
guy's eighty one, no one cares. You're both old. And so you

(59:20):
understand why he doesn't want people focusingon his birthday. He wants people focusing
on what a terrible city Milwaukee is. That's what ah. More important things,
more important things. Boy, theywasted no time in putting billboards.
I heard from one of our Milwaukeebureau chiefs that they wasted no time in
putting billboards up all around Milwaukee withTrump's quote on it because they're having the

(59:43):
Republican National Convention there week of Julyfifteenth, and he's like, Milwaukee's horrible.
So there's these billboards. Would likehis quote or tweet or whatever up
on the billboard, and they wastedno time doing that. We still go
to Milwaukee a lot. You know, my brother, middle brother is a
lifelong Brewers fan because he really youknow, Milwaukee's just ninety minutes up the

(01:00:06):
lake, and we went to Milwaukeea lot. We go to Brewers games
every so often, and my brotherreally took to it. Milwaukee, to
me in twenty twenty four is verysimilar to me, like a city like
Cleveland, where back in the dayyou could rightfully make fun of it up

(01:00:27):
down in sideways, you know,growing up. I mean, you know,
Milwaukee you just because a lot ofit was really really gross, but
they really had to come up.And so when you go to Milwaukee now
and you care, like, oh, yeah, there's stuff going on,
you can have a really really goodtime in Milwaukee. I've never been there,
you've never played Milwaukee, no,really really wow, I know you

(01:00:51):
would think, well, like Isaid, it's an hour and a half
north of Chicago. Just book agig there. Yeah, I worked there
a long time ago. But theywent through like County dry spells for a
lot, lot like there'd be aclub and then he closed and there'd be
a new club and who just Butnow I think they finally have They have
laughing tap up there, don't they. I don't know if that. I
don't know if that's still open.But they have an improv there or a

(01:01:13):
funny bone probably now because they changedall the names. Hmm. Well,
the Milwaukee mayor fired back guy witha fantastic name. The mayor of Milwaukee's
name is Cavalier Johnson. Hell yeah, and he's like, it's weird that
a guy would make fun of acity where they're having the convention for him

(01:01:34):
in a couple of weeks. Well, Donald Trump, let's talk about things
that he thinks are horrible. Allof us lived through his presidency, so
right back at your buddy, I'dsay, By the way, this dude
he has been studying Obama tapes fromback in the day. He's really got
that Obama cadence. All of uslived through his presidency, so right back
at your buddy, I'd say that. Look, I find it kind of

(01:01:58):
perplexing. I find it kind ofstrange that he would insult the largest city
in Wisconsin because he's run over forpresident. He obviously wants to win Wisconsin.
We'll win the election, and soto insult the state that's hosting your
convention. I think it's kind ofbizarre. Cavalier Johnson a great name.
Hey, Jeff, Hey, what'sgoing on. I'm doing pretty good.

(01:02:22):
I'm just calling because I need toknow what the big deal is about your
birthday. I don't know exactly whatit is, because a few years back,
you guys were making up a heistBill was, and I called in
because I was a cab driver.I was going to be the driver for
this heist thing. I don't rememberwhat it was for, but I remember

(01:02:43):
your exact birthday and the year youwere born. Bill. Do you remember
a heist we were trying to puttogether. I mean, it sounds it
sounds vaguely familiar. Off the air, I'll remember it, but not on
the air. That'd be evidence.That's nothing that we can talk about over
the public airway. Is of course, because the whole thing was that you
know he mentions his birthday because somea listener said that he mentions he talks

(01:03:07):
about his birthday all the time,and he's like, no, I don't
know, and we're like, yeah, you do, because it's August sixth,
nineteen seventies. Nailed it, nailedit. Good for you, boy,
he got right on it. Heeven added an ear to me,
you son of a bitch. Wellcorrect, then I'm not ah Mary trying

(01:03:28):
to get it. Nope, notgonna happen. Don't go you try and
try and try again. All right, thank you, Jeff birthday, Thanks
for nothing. It's not my birthday. A heist. Well, the reason
we can't talk about in the areais because you don't know if it ever
happened or not. How you likethem apples, got some sperm news here,

(01:03:52):
spur news. I feel like we'reall in agreement when you see a
story about a woman who didn't knowshe was pregnant, and you can't figure
out how that happens because babies aren'tcoming out the size of jelly beans,
and so when woman goes and says, oh, I I thought I had

(01:04:15):
to go to the bathroom and itwas a baby. Now this kind of
situation. This is the woman whohad gave birth to a kid in the
Taco Bell bathroom. That's a naturalthat's I'm at the Taco Bell. I'm
at the combination hospital and Taco Bell. That's a natural reaction. If you

(01:04:38):
don't know you're pregnant, you think, well, I just hate Taco Bell,
not go to the bathroom. Sothat's a situation where it's not that
crazy. But I don't understand thewomen who don't know they're pregnant. I
don't get it. Well, maybemaybe you gals can explain it to me.
People can have like really irregular periods, so if they like not necessarily

(01:05:01):
the biggest sign obviously is skipping amonth, right, But if you have
never had regular periods, then skippinga month would be normal, so you
wouldn't even think anything of it.But you're gonna get bigger. Maybe they're
already big. Yeah, this ladywas not big again, that's I guess
that's a good point. If you'resomeone who's four hundred pounds, you don't

(01:05:25):
know what the hell's going on anywherewhere. It was I didn't know I
was pregnant. It's just big fatladies. I don't know. That's not
this lady. This is like aregular size lady. A Virginia mom who
gave birth at a Taco Bell BrianniJackson. She said she's a regular she's
an in home care nurse, andso a lot of times she's a nurse

(01:05:48):
who didn't know she was pregnant.And listen, with due respect to nurses,
it's it's thankless work. It's veryhard. But I gotta tell you,
over the past maybe five ten years, I don't know if the standards
have changed. I don't know whatyou have to do other than do you
just have to go to nursing school. I don't know. I have known

(01:06:11):
some people who've done a pivot intheir life and they say, I'm just
going to become a nurse. Iwould not want these people touching me at
all. A couple of people cometo mind, female acquaintances of mind,
I would never let them come nearme. I'm like, you're a nurse
now, I mean, is thatall you have to do is go to
nursing school? Anyway, this woman'sa nurse. But I mean, you

(01:06:35):
know you've gotten whatever level you study, You've got medical training. I'm sure
there are tears of that. Butanyway, this woman is a nurse who
didn't know she was pregnant, andher she's an in home care nurse,
and her patient asked if she wouldgo get her something to eat, and

(01:06:58):
she wanted taco bell and so shesaid sure. So she wasn't even getting
it for her. Right after sheplaced the order, she started getting stomach
cramps, and so she went tothe restroom and then came back out and
immediately had to go back. Shejust kept having this terrible, terrible pain,
and she's like, I just couldn'tstand up. And then I looked

(01:07:18):
down and I realized I was bleeding, and then I panicked and called my
well, I'll let her explain alittle bit. I'm running past the Panera
bread and then I hear her justlet out this good wrenching screen. I'm
still painting, and I'm like abig say something. And there she was
like, oh my god, Ijust had a baby. And I was
like, okay, no, there'sno way. I picked her up.

(01:07:40):
I wrapped her in my shirt.She hadn't let out a cry or anything
yet. Boy or girl. Iwas like, it's a girl, Hang
up and car now one one andnext thing I know, I was here
to Dad's. I just I don'tknow how it happens. This is not
a big, big woman. Jamarsand Brianni Jackson are the parents. And
she went in and the kid cameout right into the tilet Mommy, how

(01:08:04):
was I born? Will you tellme the story of my birth? You
were born in a Taco Bell toilet, my love, That's why we named
you special. Number four was unclebaby Billy? Where was he born?
No? His wife the redhead,Oh Tiffany, Yeah, she was born
in a toilet, was she?Yeah, she's got a whole story about

(01:08:24):
how she was a toilet baby.Yeah. Well, listen everybody that I
guess the important part is everybody's fine. I guess it would get It would
immediately give me pause to see awoman who is a new mom, who
is also a nurse, who didnot know she was pregnant. But everybody's
fine. I think that's just someonethat's so dedicated to their job that they're

(01:08:45):
not paying attention to themselves. That'swhat it is herself. Ah, I
see. Well, it also meansthat that she didn't have any cramps before
this. Listen, every every bodyis different, Yeah, but it's crazy.
It's wild. But imagine that becauseyou didn't even have time to plan

(01:09:06):
for it. Right. What sucksis their son was killed in a crash
last year. So these are peoplewho spent the last twelve months like in
mourning. The killed was the ninemonths old wow, the one she was

(01:09:26):
driving and she hit a pickup truckor her hit her or something, and
so in their mind they're probably like, this is Mary would call it fate.
They got a replacement baby and theydidn't even they didn't even know it
was coming. So the cops initiallycharged her for the crash. But it's

(01:09:51):
been a bad, bad year forthem because of that, and now they
have a they talk about toilet baby. Well, good for that. Everybody.
Everybody's happy and accounted for. Didhe say the name of the baby?
They did? Yes, Belle GrandellGrande Jackson perfect. What what is

(01:10:12):
her name? Uh? Oh?Gordian chiloopa Ayana little Iana number five.
He's Burrito and Buzz Cleveland Call theAlan Cott Show your piece of crap two

(01:10:34):
one six, five seven eight onedouble O seven or one four eight one
double O seven three five one ninetwo Send me a text. Comedian Kem
Patterson's going to join us about ahalf an hour. He's got a bunch

(01:10:57):
of sold out shows over there inthe cabaret at Hilarities. Get to the
Bill Squire Friday get down later onuntil we begin the weekend around these parts,
So we'll get to that shortly aftersix o'clock. Guardian's pregame will begin
a little bit after six thirty whenwe roll out for the weekend, and
then seven to seven is game timeup in Toronto against the Blue Jays,

(01:11:19):
first of three there, and thenthe Blue Jays will be here in Cleveland
next week. Guardians also be hostingthe Mariners starting on Tuesday night. And
if you want to get yourself someappropriate gear from cl Clothing Company, I
always recommend that you use our promocode to do that. This month word

(01:11:39):
is Cardinal and it will get youtwenty percent off right off the top.
I got to order that shirt forDick, make myself a note to do
that. Might surprise you to learnthat it's not top of mind for me,
but I did tell him that Iwould send him one man of my

(01:12:00):
word, so I should take careof that. Somebody suggested that that couple
named their child bell the e lE. Some not bad. I don't
think a lot of women claim theydon't know they're pregnant, or saying that
because they were cheating. Yeah,but you're you're gonna have a kid.
I mean, she said she didn'tknow she was pregnant, you know.

(01:12:21):
And I had some women text mein the breakthrough like I didn't know I
was pregnant, Like yeah, threemonths. One of them said, three
months. I'm like, Phoenis islike the size baby Phoenus is like the
size of a plum at three months, right, Like, yeah, I
can that I could see. Andsome women listen. My middle brother,
his wife, my sister in lawis a very very thin woman and they

(01:12:45):
have two boys. And each timeshe was pregnant, it was like her
body didn't change at all, exceptfor it looked like she was walking around
with a soccer ball under her shirt. And then she had the baby,
and it was like the soccer ballcame out of her. Is like,
some people's bodies just don't change,you know. People go, I know
some people who got smaller when theywere pregnant. Okay, well that's new

(01:13:09):
to me, but you know,somebody else said my wife didn't know until
she was almost six months pregnant,and like Mary said, you know people
do not getting their periods or whateverand all that kind of weird stuff.
But again it's get but to getall the nine months and be like I'm

(01:13:30):
going to stop the taco bell andget some food and then pop into the
bathroom and a baby comes out,like I'll be that's just like you couldn't
have gone the nine forget the size. You couldn't have gone nine months without
feeling anything going on, like sickness, nothing butterflies, no, nothing.
Could I be pregnanate? How doI know if I'm pregan? What is

(01:13:54):
the best time to sex to becomepregnant? I mean, just on a
logistical level, it would be areal kick in the pants because you can't
plan for anything. You're like,oh, I've got a baby. Now
you don't have a crib a pursey. Yeah, you don't have any of
it. Somebody else sex to me, I had two hours notice. I

(01:14:17):
wonder what the notice was two hours? But what happened? This person should
tell me what happened that let youknow in two hours, because I mean,
you don't know when you're gonna startgoing into labor unless that's a very
cryptic text. I had two hoursnotice. I was reading a story.

(01:14:40):
This is very sad too. Iwas reading a story about a Vietnam Vet
who just died, and you know, it blows your mind that Vietnam vets
are eighty five years old. Nowyou know, my dad was in the
army. I kept my birth keptmy dad from going to Vietnam. He
had gotten his papers to go toVietnam. And my mom. I was

(01:15:02):
born by emergency cesarean section. Iwas a thirteen pound baby. You want
to talk about bleeding. That's howmy mom knew. My mom knew she
was pregnant obviously because she looked likea house. But she woke up and
was like hemorrhaging in the bed right, and so they were like, you
got to get here now, blahblah blah. So they had to do

(01:15:24):
an emergency sea section on my momto lift me out. And in you
know, late sixties, early seventies, that was major surgery. Now they
just go, you think, babyout. You know, it's probably I
would think you still got to cutyou open, but I would imagine it's
probably advanced to the point where somenot that big of a deal. But
my birth kept my dad from goingto Vietnam. But you know, my

(01:15:46):
dad was in his late seventies whenhe died. So these Vietnam Vets are
in their seventies and eighties now andup in Albany. One of our bureau
chiefs in Albany sent me the story. The Times Union. A guy named
Edward Ryan wrote his own obituaries VietnamVET. He was a retired firefighter.

(01:16:06):
He's eighty five years old, andyou know, a beloved brother and an
uncle, nieces and nephews and allthat. And he came out in his
obituary. I saw this. Yousee that, Yeah, like I can
finally die in peace or something likethat. I must tell you one more
thing. I was gay all mylife through grade school, through high school,

(01:16:27):
through college, through life. Andhe fought fire because he was blaming
on the inside. I'm sorry,he was flaming on the inside. See
that's why he did Okay, wasn'ta host situation experiment. Well, anyway,
he's eighty five, he's passed.He said that he's such a bummer.

(01:16:49):
He had said that he had beenin a relationship with a man named
Paul for a quarter century until Pauldied in nineteen ninety four, said he
was the love of his life andthat he would be buried next to him.
I'm sorry for not having the courageto come out as gay. I
was afraid of being ostracized my family, friends and coworkers. By the way,

(01:17:11):
he's referring to a time in whichit was much more difficult to come
out right being a young man.You're talking forties, fifties, that kind
of thing, So that's not unprecedented, but it's amazing to me on this
it's amazing to me how people canstill feel that way now, which is
sad too. It is sad well, but there's still a lot of people

(01:17:34):
that are very against it. No, I know, that's what I'm saying.
It's not that there's no reasons tobe it's sad that there are still
reasons to feel that way. Andin twenty twenty four, for Christ's sake,
and this is also when people arelike, oh, look at how
there's so many more gay people nowbecause it's socially acceptable. All these idiots
like who's that little whiney squeaky BenShapiro. Ben Shapiro with a dry,

(01:17:59):
the wife can't get his wife.Wey. Yeah, and there was just
as many gay people all along.They're just like this guy that they couldn't
come out. By the way,why is why is something inherently bad because
it's more socially acceptable, that's all. You know. Right wingers always use
that they want to say that they'renot born gay, that they're uh coerced

(01:18:21):
into it by society. Well that'sjust they've that's fully debunked, I mean,
but they don't believe. They don'tact like it's debunked, and they
push it as a narrative. It'sfine, but anyway. Yeah, So
in his own obituary, he saidI had been gay my whole life.

(01:18:42):
Firemen, right, I mean,a lot of much chismo in the among
firemen. His fire chief said thathe had known that Ryan was gay.
It didn't bother me, but Ididn't know how the old macho fire service
would have felt about back then.He said. So obviously this guy got

(01:19:03):
a lot of comments based on this, from both straight and gay people.
I'm straight, but this is whypride events are important and still needed.
Somebody else said, you know peoplewere straight Pride months, Well, a
stop b this kind of stuff becauseyou know, you show me a time

(01:19:28):
where it was potentially dangerous for youto come out as straight, and then
we'll have that conversation. But youlive your whole life, and you know,
it sounds like there were a coupleof people who knew, but you
know, he chalks it up tohis own wasn't courageous enough to do it.
And you know people who are straightcan't. I can't identify with that,

(01:19:56):
but you know, imagine not beingable to do what you wanted to
do. That's the whole point ofwhite people are complaining about things like anti
LGBTQ things. Ellen, my Christiansister thinks kids are identifying LGBTQ because it's
the end thing right now. Someof them are absolutely but so what that

(01:20:23):
you know, you hear that alot. They go, oh, well,
some kids they're still figuring it outand they figure, well, it's
really cool to be gay right now, so why not? Okay, fine,
so what because some kids, ifthey're trying it on right now,
I'm not talking about transgender that's awhole other conversation. But you know,
I have two older kids in college, and they're aware that they have friends

(01:20:46):
who are trying it on, andso what, because if it's not for
them, then they'll get back intowhatever their heteronormative situation is. But if
they find out that that's who theyare, that's what everybody's doing. By
the way, when they're young,that's exactly what you're supposed to be doing,
is finding out who the hell youare. And for a lot of

(01:21:08):
people, they're really fortunate to knowwho they are. That's a lucky thing,
you know. I didn't have tocontend with that. I wasn't like,
gee, do I like boys orgirls? I was trying to kiss
girls as soon as I got intoschool. I was trying to I knew
I liked girls. Now they didn'tlike me for a long long time,

(01:21:30):
but it didn't stop me from tryingto make them laugh or whatever. What's
the matter with that, because otherwiseyou end up being eighty five and dead
and you were never yourself, Andwho wants that? Alan, my sister's
friend didn't know she was pregnant,went in for stomach pains and had a

(01:21:54):
baby a few hours later. Mybrother in law saw this woman every day
at work and you would not haveknown she was pregnant. Well, again,
that's fine. I'm just saying thatto look at someone, they might
not look pregnant, but if youhave a baby in your body, I'm
curious how you didn't know you werepregnant. There's a lot of people you

(01:22:15):
look at. I made the mistakeof mentioning the old lady on on our
boat some years ago. I reallystepped in it with her and by yeah,
Alan, you were talking about cardinalsvisiting your Wi Fi bird house.

(01:22:41):
Cardinals are supposed to be a sign, and Mary's gonna love this. Cardinals
are supposed to be a sign thata deceased loved one is visiting you.
You knew that, yeah, oh, that they're supposed to be bright red
cardinals are male. So I guessit was your father. Listen, thank
you very much. It's a verysweet sentiment. I don't believe it,

(01:23:04):
but my dad speaks to me oneway and one way only. This is
your further speaking from new lecture.That's right. My father was a man
of the twenty first century, andso he knows how to communicate with me
is through modern technology. Course,I guess a Wi Fi birdhouse with a
camera that's modern technology. It's justpiggybacking on analog technology. Wow. So,

(01:23:29):
Mary, do you think that thatcardinal that keeps showing up is my
dad? I mean he might be. You did just go to his Uh
if you saw a cardinal, wouldyou think it was your dad? No,
I don't think my dad liked birds. When my mom and I were
at the cemetery, you know,my grandfather, my maternal grandfather, died

(01:23:51):
when my mom was twenty nine.She was very young and I was eight
seven or eight when he died,so I only knew him for those years.
But he was He worked for therailroad, and people say, how
long did he work for the railroad? Do you know? I tell him
all the live long day. Aye, But he worked for the railroad.

(01:24:12):
So brother. Anytime my mom hearsa train horn, she says, hi
dad, because she thinks that that'sher dad talking to her. No,
I don't know that she I'm notsaying she's wrong. I don't know.
When she and I were in thecemetery visiting my dad, her husband way

(01:24:34):
off in the distance because her parentsare buried there too. We went to
visit my grandparents. Off in thedistance, train horn and my mom goes,
hi dad, and she looks atme. She goes see and I'm
like, yeah, I love mymom, So I play along, but
I you know, and she knowsI'm playing along. It's fine. But
I was like, yeah, okay, I wouldn't even know what to look

(01:24:59):
for. It's not like my dad, you know. I know that my
sister in law, ex sister inlaw, she and my brother are divorced,
but she's still like they have kids, part of the family. She
had a conversation with my dad inthe hospital room the week that he was
dying. She had a conversation withhim alone in the hospital room, and
none of us knew what she said, but she told me later on that

(01:25:21):
she told him they had a word, so that if something was going on
there, you know, if there'ssomething on the other side and that whole
thing. Yeah, like Houdini's wife, right, password she did that with
him. She's not a believer.She's like me, you know, but
she but we don't know, andshe believes in something. Well maybe she's
very religious, so she's got tobelieve there's an afterlife. Well no,

(01:25:43):
no, not my ex sister inlaw. No, oh, that's who
was talking to him. She's Okay, let me know and nothing. So
is there anything you and your dadlike did together that you would I mean,
honestly, dude, it's not reallyabout like, oh I believe the
spirit of my dad is in thatbird. No, no, I don't
think that's what they're saying. Somethingthat I remember, Yeah, like a

(01:26:05):
totem of Yeah. No, Iget it. I just wouldn't associate.
But listen, maybe it is.Uh. You know, I'm not gonna
start calling a bird dad. Butyou know what if your mom was like,
this is your dad, Yeah,he's back, He's in bird for
him here he is, He's calledhim dad. My dad's been resurrected as

(01:26:25):
a drone because birds aren't real.Alan, I'm all for equal rights,
but June is men's mental health monthas well. Okay, yeah, listen,
every month is a dozen things.So it's you know, my daughter
didn't know she was pregnant until shewas seven months along. This person says,

(01:26:46):
Okay, it's more common than youthink. Man, m Let me
talk to Dave here. Hey,Dave, what's going on? Man?
Hey? I agree totally with thetrains thing that happened to me. I
had a grandfather who worked for therailroad, and it seemed like every time

(01:27:10):
something like happened to the family welost another loved one, that there was
always a train in the background,Like when I figure it out. So
yeah, I mean trains are prettypervasive. I mean there are a lot
of them and constantly carrying cargo toand fro across this country. So it's

(01:27:30):
a pretty Yeah. Listen, Ithink whatever makes people feel better, it's
fine, you're not hurting anybody.I mean, you know, oh you
know what. That's half of ittoo, you know, you hear it.
It makes you think of that personyou know, so right, all
right, thank you, David.Oh my god, listen to that hard,
Oh my god, it's beautiful.Well something to think about. Why

(01:27:58):
not? But that guy eighty fivewrites his own obituary and comes out in
it, I mean that's also aball and move to just write your own
obituary. I think everybody should dothat. Who's going to be able to
synthesize your life in print better thanyou? You're gonna leave it to somebody
else. You know, there aregonna be people who know you, but
nobody's gonna know you the way youdid. And if that was his plan.

(01:28:20):
Nobody else could have written that obituary. Well, you know, I
think friends, Yeah, like,hey, he never told Yeah, of
course he was a confirmed bachelor.He never got around to telling everybody that

(01:28:41):
he was gay, But boy washe gay? Yeah, Like, if
the listeners wrote your obituary, there'ddefinitely be something to like. And Allan
was gay the whole time, that'sright. Yep. We never found out
when his birthday was, but hewas gay the whole time. We know
what it is. You know whatit is because you talk about it so
much. I don't you used tospeaking of the army. By the way,

(01:29:01):
thirty one guns stolen from Fort Moorein Texas, I think is where
Fort Moore is. Thirty one guns, m seventeen pistols. These are brand
new, and they're trying to figureout who Fort Moore, Georgia. Sorry,
this used to be a fort that'sone of the ones they changed the

(01:29:23):
name. God, what was FortMoore? It was a big one,
like Benning or something, right,it was like anyway, they're trying to
figure out who took two dozen brandnew guns. That's got to make you
feel good when the army base ismissing handguns. Thirty one M seventeen pistols

(01:29:43):
went missing from the equipment pool thereat Fort Moore. I think the funniest
thing is these are these are likeseven hundred dollars guns a piece, so
obviously somebody wants to just flip themright, nine millimeter M seventeen's unless someone
setting up a really weird scavender hunt. They're bored on the base. Hey
good, find a little of theguns. He's got him in a garbage

(01:30:08):
bag. You only got twenty eight. No, but these are seven hundred
dollars guns and the base is offeringa five thousand dollars reward. So if
you're the guy took him and go, no, no, do I want
the twenty thousand that i'll get?I mean that's if you sold the guns
like retail, right, anybody whowants hot guns, you're gonna be able

(01:30:30):
to get way more than that.You probably try, I was gonna say,
especially if they're from a military base, right to military greed or you
know. Yeah, yeah, sothey're seven hundred pop. Somebody stole thirty
one of them and the bass isoffering a five thousand dollars reward. Good
thinking, guys, that'll work.You'll be flooded with tips now and seventeen
so of the army's newest side arms. Since about twenty seventeen, they've been

(01:30:56):
using them. But again, theseare the kind of things that make me
nervous too, because obviously the militaryin general is dealing with a lot of
weird stuff right now, and maybeit's always been there to some degree,
but it's all bubbling up now.You know, they're finding more and more
people in the military who have alot of like, you know, far

(01:31:17):
right wing sympathies and things like that. So you know, this is not
unprecedented that weapons have gone missing froma military base. So obviously it makes
people nervous in these communities. Butit's not like guns stay in the immediate
area. Happens in the MCU allthe time. Yeah, things get stolen
from the Defense Department. He usedto open up the multiverse. That's no

(01:31:42):
good at all. Uh Hey,John, Hello, Hello, what's up?
John? Is this Allen? Oh? I'm sorry I didn't hear you
guys. That's okay. Hey.You know, growing up, my dad
always shared the story about his grandmotherafter she passed away. They were leaving

(01:32:05):
the funeral there at the cemetery andthere was a white dough that presented itself
and it was just always like thisstory that he shared with me growing up.
Well, unfortunately, my dad passedaway at sixty six a couple of
years ago, and I was theonly one with him at three in the
morning in the hospice room when hedied, and it was very emotional,

(01:32:29):
and I was on the bed withhim and he basically died in my arms,
and I gathered my fuck together andwent over to the flighting door that
basically went out to this little grassyfield, and as I did so,
a deer came out of the woods. And it was almost a full moon
that night, I remember, andit just came out of the clearing and

(01:32:53):
into the moonlight, and it basicallycame almost right up to me, and
I just stared at it, andit just turned around and it shook its
tail and turned back around, giveone l last look at me, and
it walked away back and forwards,And I thought that was, I don't
know, something odd about that.I mean, it's definitely pretty intense,

(01:33:17):
John, if nothing else, Imean, that's that's pretty wild. Yeah,
yeah, I mean, you couldn'teven you couldn't put that in a
book. And you couldn't even makethat up. It was too uh.
It was just very not ironic,but just strange. And he always had
a thing for symbols and signs.I mean we'd be driving down the highway

(01:33:39):
and if there's a hawk sitting onthe you know, overhead power line or
something, he'd always point out andmake a comment, how there's a you
know what, someone's watching over you, or that's a good omen or something.
Yeah, sure, listen, betterthan bad omens, right sure?
Yeah, all right, Well,thank you John, Sorry about your dad.

(01:34:00):
Thank you. All right, there'sJohn. A big old doe came
up to him, you know,a doe Mary a female deer, like
a ray drop a golden sun.Yeah, another ringing endorsement. You're an
idiot. Your show shocks and you'veproven that many times with the Joe.
You're so stupid one seven w mMS. Man, look at this.

(01:34:29):
We're at a full house. Hey, Cam Patterson's here. How are you?
Man? And you don't have tobe here? Why is it all
the shows sold out? Oh?I mean, boy, it is sold
out. Yeah, good for you. That's great. Congratulations, Yes,
that's awesome. I just want tomeet you. I'm interested in what's going
on. You brought your mom.Mom's right, there is that to keep

(01:34:51):
you in line? Uh? Imean she wanted to see it. But
I mean she's being a good jobof keeping me alivee But no, i'd
be blacked out. So well,okay, So how old are you?
Twenty five? Okay? And whereare you from? Orlando? Okay?
So, like, what's the scenein Orlando? It's good, Okay,
it's pretty decent. It's a goodscene to grow in to get better in

(01:35:12):
for soup. But you came upthat the anecdote I saw about you was
that you were ten and you dida thing at your grandma's birthday party or
something like that. What it was? So you were a funny kid?
Yeah? Yeah, it was that. It was because I have to think
that at some point. Okay,So when does it click that there's a
lot of funny kids who don't becomecomedians. They do something else or because

(01:35:34):
it's hard. It's you know,it's one thing to make your friends laugh,
to make a room full of strangerslaugh the whole other thing. So
what was it for you that clicked? I mean, you got family,
members and everybody when you're a kidtelling you you're funny, But how old
were you where you were like maybethis could be a thing. Man,
I was super broken. I hadnothing else to do with my life.
Yeah, like my would touch overMike. Maybe I could do that.

(01:35:56):
Yeah. And then after that wasI like this feeling, Yeah is a
good? Can people laugh? Yeah? Cool? And it's because, I
mean the little bits of you thatI've seen you have just you know,
some people have funny jokes. Somepeople have that combined with what you seem
to have, which is just like, there's mannerisms about you that people find
very funny. And that's got tobe part. It's not even person that's

(01:36:19):
right, It's not even that you'replaying into it. It's just that seems
to be who you are. Yeah. So is that, you know,
because people have when when you getinto the stand up thing officially and you're
around other comedians, there had tobe all kinds of people telling you we'll
do this, do this, dothis. It's gonna be hard to figure

(01:36:39):
out what to pull from that,right. I mean a lot of people
when I first started I watch live, there's a lot of people like you
don't watch live, I won't wishline and do all that stuff. But
I just thought of myself, like, I THINKY only go on stage like
to be finished. After that,I think people just kind of left me
alone with that. He said,gonna kind of just be whatever you want.
You don't listen, I mean,can really people talk me. I
will gonna wish I will go startwith. And people started telling me to

(01:37:00):
stop wearing slide. I'm just I'ma stuff. They wearing slides on stage
right, and they said, hey, wear shoes because people in the front
row might not want to look atyour toes do And I don't like that
idea. I don't like that rightwhen I just slides yeah now, And
also like, like you said,you're funny, the audience doesn't have to
like that's like old comedian rules thisway blah blah blah. But if the

(01:37:25):
audience is laughing, job is done. Yeah. Do you have any rocks
in your pockets right now? Can'trocks? I left? I left the
hotel, Okay, okay, butI do keeping them for sure. I
know, I like, I likerocks for real, But I just like
how they you know what I'm saying, Yeah, yeah, giving me like
diamonds and like or not, butlike christals and stuff. Yeah, I
almost cuts. I almost that's allright. They be giving me like christis

(01:37:49):
and stuff. And I don't evenlike you want rocks. I like how
I just like the text. Yes, I'm a texted person. Yeah,
it's like it's like it keeps yougrounded to the planet and somewhere. Y
Yeah you would say that. Yeah, like you probably didn't think about it.
Like, I just like rocks andnot losing the stuff and I just

(01:38:09):
get some yeah more rocks. Yeah, they seem to be everywhere. I
think we live on one think.Yeah, yeah, magnetic rocks. Some
people think it's flat though, that'scrazy. Yeah, I feel it,
you know. So, so doyou tour a lot? Have you been
touring? I know you blew upfrom kill Tony, like a lot of
people saw you on kiltne Glue.Yeah, And so when I rattle off

(01:38:32):
was giving away tickets at Chrisier.Thing. I can see a very near
future where like your name is inthat kind of list. Is that what
you feel is happening? And Ijust keep focused and just keep on the
same, just keep writing and juststay grinded at what's going on. Yeah,
I think I could do some reallybig days in this Yeah, and
enjoy the process of it. Youknow, there's a lot of people that

(01:38:53):
they're so focused on where they wantto be that they're not enjoying where they
are. And that's that's Uh,it's devastating sometimes to see people that are
having a great time but not appreciatingthat they're you know, part of it
is the way up. He saidit out the time with the jar in
a bit, he said it outof time. I know you what you're
doing, right, I was crazy? Yeah, I just show I still

(01:39:15):
I still begin to says on top. I just wanted to be like better,
Yeah, going through growing pads andstuff. Sure, and so it's
like sometimes I just get on justjust be mad. You understand what you
just did on a Thursday. Yeah, right right. It's good to have
those people to keep you grounded andkind of focused, and you know,
we bring your mind with you.That's that's beautiful. I love that.
But but it's also got to bein your own mind how you want things

(01:39:39):
to go to. Ye. Imean there's all kinds of you know,
things come from the outside. Soso were there were there comedians that you
listened to when you were younger thatyou liked or was it just you You
weren't even that official about it,you know, because a lot of comedians
be like, oh I heard thisperson, and this person I thought,
oh I could do that. Youseem more like you were just like kind

(01:40:00):
of well, I'm funny, let'stry this. Well. I mean when
I was a kid, I neverhad like when I was real young,
I never thought I wanted to bea community. I never like I thought
of them on. I don't knowif anybody does when they're that young.
Yeah, but my cousin, myolder cousin, my cousin, Justin will
just I would go this house allthe time, and I like look up
to him, you know what I'msaying. So I would all be at
his house and he would he wasjust put all like comedy before we went
to sleep, and I would seeit, Man, this is this is
crazy. It's like a job.But that never really clicked to me that

(01:40:23):
I wanted to do it. ButI don't remember he put all like an
earthquake, A lot of cat whowas a lot of cat when I was
on Bruce Bruce Rice Bruce, Yeah, we'll see all that. And then
when I was a kid, Iain't. I was just like, man,
this is this is pretty dope.Have you met those guys, any
of those guys now? I meanyou're moving into that orbit right, well,
like more and more people are gonnaknow who you are and be interested

(01:40:43):
to kind of pick your brain andsee what you're about. And you know,
I mean cats doing arenas, youknow that kind of stuff. All
those guys Earthquake I opened for amillion years ago at the Cleveland Improv and
he was selling his HBO DVDs,but they weren't the one from HBO.
He made his own copies of him. It was selling him blank and he's

(01:41:04):
like, they want to charge meforty dollars a DVD for this, I'm
going to make myself. And thatwas it was. It's so much more
special too, Like at first it'slike that seems like people want the one.
It's like, no, they wantthe one they got from earthquake.
Yeah, it was awesome. Letyour old DVD is hilarious. Yeah,
it's really funny. That's a move, right. Yeah. So when did

(01:41:24):
you start going out then? Likewhen did you start how long had you
been doing it in Orlando where somebodywas like, you can go out or
you know, get certain booking,get booked elsewhere. I mean my first
time, actually, my first timedoing coming outside of Florida was a Columbus
Okay, so I did like adults, this is your first time in Cleveland,
my second time, second time tocome much ago okay, yeah,

(01:41:45):
and this so that so my firsttime doing and I think like maybe like
a year and a half, yeah, like a year and a half when
I was like, okay, letme just see what I could do outside
the city, right, yeah,and going well, I mean obviously yeah,
so how long are you out forthis run? Then maybe I'm by
a bullets to the symbol? Yeah, okay all year move. Does mom
come with you the whole time?No? Really, it used to be

(01:42:08):
my dad, my mom and dad. Okay, my dad, my mom,
she gets to see it. Thistime. They don't get along,
so they split. They split theweekend. Yeah, they don't get along,
so they can't they can't be withyou at the same time. And
yeah, okay they are they areenemies. Yeah. Do you have siblings?
I got I got full siblings.Are they the only kid? Oh?
I see Okay, yeah, Igot you, But like, are

(01:42:31):
but are they funny at all?Like were you around people that were funny
or you're just like I mean withmom and dad jeenemies, maybe it wasn't
that funny. No. Oh,my my siblings they they funny. They
got any moments, My little sisters, like my twins. She is lyrics.
Yeah, listen, she just startedeighteen. She like she funny.
Yeah, she could be a comedyshe wanted to be, but she don't
want children want to be. She'spretty smart. It's pretty wild when you

(01:42:53):
see people who are funny but theyhave no they have no desire to make
other people laugh. Yeah, becausethat's such a strange thing. But it's
also such a strange thing, likefor people like us who are desperate to
make people funny. It's weird whenyou it's almost you're like you're wasting this

(01:43:14):
thing you've got, you know,But they just don't have that thing.
Yeah, they don't need to bethe center of attention like the rest of
us, saying people like to bea comed you gotta be right. Really,
I talked about dogs sound about it, and he was like, it
was like for us to go onstage for like an hour and then be
like, listen, I'm gonna bethe one talking, y'all. Don't say
nothing, and when you do talk, I'm gonna get pretty upset. Yeah,
there's some nurcissism for sure. That'sreally insane. Well, it's like

(01:43:38):
it's like you're the pilot of theplane, like you're in charge, you're
the one on stage. But it'swe've talked about this a million times with
a bunch of different comics. It'slike social media has so many people now
do like like crowd work clips.The audiences think that's what it is now,
and that's a weird kind of changingthat whole vibe. It's very strange.

(01:43:59):
People will see me not be like, this's my first time coming to
like a comedy show, right ever, right, And so for all they
know from comedy, it's just crowdword clips maybe like little Kill This Mother
things about watch. They think it'sall back and forth or something. Yeah,
right, it's like please shut up. Right. Yeah. When they
get it and they shut up andthey laugh, they have a great time.
It makes a great show. Butif they think it the shows about
them that can get a little bitdisty. Have you experienced it because you're

(01:44:23):
not really a crowd work guy.Really, you're a writer. I go
like, I got I got segmentsbecause I know, like I know what
people want. Some times. Yeah, toward the very end, it's like,
come on, I'm doing like fortyfive fifty right now. Towards the
very end, when I get likethe thirty three, I thought something,
I got some crowdword. It's likeplaying. You know what I say.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying. But yeah, I'm not a real

(01:44:45):
CrowdWork dude. Yeah, because again, like your your personality, your uniqueness
is what people are there there tosee. Uh. Can I ask you
my own question? Yeah? Yeah, when you remember the first time he
made you that real hard well,he's always made me laugh like a specific

(01:45:05):
like a specific time. Yeah,okay, I wanted to tell this before
and he said, no Gasa.He says to me, Mom, I
think I have gasria, And I'mlike, gasria? What is gas aria?
He had a little diarrhea. Uh. I would tell him not to

(01:45:30):
be funny, send him to school, and I'd say, please do not
get in trouble. I don't sendyou to school to be the class clown.
And we have an adult yeah,making a good living now being very
funny. Yeah, gas Aria.There's an album cut Cam Patterson's gas Aria

(01:45:50):
in color. Yeah. So doyou still live when you're home? Is
that still Orlando? I'm in Texas? You're in Texas now, Austin Texas.
Okay. Oh you're doing like theMothership and all that. Yeah,
okay, that's a regular now likeyou you know, and then you go
out on the road and uh andlike like this, Tony has to call
you up and be like, hey, I need you to come in,

(01:46:12):
and like, I book everything aroundhis cousin, so he got some I
do I go through things first?Yeah, say he tell you my life.
I'm always all that rock out yea. So how did he find you
or was it just doing Yeah okayI put out that bucket yea. And
they had they were you a completeunknown to them? No? I mean
I was around the club. Theyheard the name, and yeah, I

(01:46:33):
was around the club a little bit, like I remember, Brian, since
I told me he's I remember.I was just sitting in Missus one night
before I got in the club.I got a job anything, and he
was like your name and rooms younot in your life and the change.
Yeah, And I was just like, okay, I guess and then like
a month later, every day itjust went took off. It was crazy.
How do you have any idea ofhow you'll know when you want there

(01:46:56):
to be the next thing? Becauselike early part of your career, like
you said, but for like whenyou're on the come up like that,
you kind of don't know that it'shappening. You know it's happening, but
you don't know where it's going.Since you write so much, is there
a thing in your head where you'relike, well, I know at some
point I'm gonna want to do X. You know what that is. I
don't want to get a movie andstuff to show you do. Yeah,
to start acting is something that's interestingto you. Okay, because a lot

(01:47:19):
of comics you're like, yeah,that's fine. You know back in the
day everybody would like pilot season wasa thing and that's not really a thing
anymore. But but you do wantto do that. Yeah, and you
will too, I mean, you'reyou know this, Yeah, you know
that you'll be in stuff anything cookinglike that, though I'm trying doing like
this is hearing that stuff. ButI mean, but comedy light and number

(01:47:40):
one like yes, of course,yeah, yeah, but you got a
special tape or anything, or I'mstill trying to get my first hour.
You're just trying. You want tomake sure when you put it it's real,
real good. Like even last nightit kind of showed me like,
wait, it ain't. It ain'tas tight as I want to be.
It's such a city. I goto it, I'll be like, okay,
we get somewhere. Sometimes it'd belike okay, well steal. That's
that's one thing with the stand upis it is constantly humbling because you're like,

(01:48:02):
okay, I got I gotta havesome the tickets and then you you're
like, I got this joke.You throw it out there and they're like
no, and you're like I thoughtI had it was gonna be great,
and no, we think that's stupid, the dumb. I'm trying so hard
a good time. I appreciate it. I'm excited. I'm think I'm doing

(01:48:24):
good. I'm not kissing. Iwas there yesterday. IVE been doing this
eleven years. Yeah I did it. He almost dropped one yeah yeah yeah,
an F not an S the otherone. Camp Patterson is over the
cabaret room, you know over therein the Hilarities all weekend and the shows

(01:48:45):
are sold out. Man, theygot a waiting list for you, by
the way, yes, there's awaiting list for people. If if people
bought tickets for Camp Patterson and didn'tshow up, I don't know why you
would do that, But my understandingis they got people on a waiting list,
and if somebody doesn't show up,like twenty minutes before showtime, they
go to that list. That's dope. So they're all there gonna be full

(01:49:06):
rooms either way. Yeah, sure, yeah, I'm excited. I'm excited
for you. Yeah, thank youfor coming in. Thank y'all. Yeah
yeah, missus Cam's mom. Niceto meet you, Miss Cam's mom.
Thank you. Camp Patterson. Isyou're on social media and all that kind
of stuff is just I'm on Instagramand cancel funny yeah, km s O

(01:49:28):
and then funny and then I'm onI'm on Facebook in my name Camp Patterson,
on YouTube, Camp Patterson. AndI don't be on Twitter like that.
I ain't no Twitter, dude.But you know what I'm saying.
Twitter is like yeah, of course, okay, yeah, I'm sorry.
I just it's all porn on Twitter. Okay, it's all poor so like
all my all my Twitter is justporn. So you need like some build
points and justice anything like that.I'll be on my Twitter. Yeah,

(01:49:50):
the hide the likes now too.It's okay. I don't like nothing.
I never liked that. But yougo to my but you go to my
following straight points. You don't wantto trump your top girl. Man right
now, let me see, Ohwhat's her name? Oh? Man,
he knows the face, not thename. I know that. I know

(01:50:10):
a lot of more. I know, I know everything else, but a
name where you find it on youryou go, you go down my Twitter.
You'll see a lot on a lotof beautiful huh what oh yeah,
shout out our nose do that?Sid out yeah and set out madal behind
the camera. I'm knowing everything.Yeah with Joe David, he inspired comedian
too beautiful. We grew up togetherand stuff. So it's as I always

(01:50:35):
like seeing that when someone is makingit bringing their friends along. It's like
that, you know, it's it'sjust it's it feels like family came in
and visited us. Nice to meetyou. Pell didn't just walk out there.
Thank you so much? All right, we'll take a break call the
Alan Cox Show. Pay attention tonotice the reverse of everything that is normal
becoming abnormal six five seven eight onedouble o seven or three four eight one

(01:51:00):
seven alright three five and to showme a text Alancoxshow dot com. If
you're watching live, you can thankWindy bimp Ship for assisting today in the

(01:51:26):
video department there at alancockshow dot com. And while you're there, you can
hit the contest page for people who'vebeen asking all of the details on joining
me trying to get yourself that tripto Hawaii courtesy of ConA Brewing. My
schedule is there. You can alsoregister while you're at the website. All
next week on this show you'll beable to register as well. But this
weekend tomorrow, in fact, I'mgoing to be back in Portage Lakes.

(01:51:49):
I'm gonna be at the what isit tomorrow? Picks in Portage Lakes.
You're about to picks? It's donecomedy? There? Have you? Really?
Yeah? It's fun. It's acool place. What is it a
cool place? If I'm not doingcomedy? If I stand there stone faced
and don't make anyone laugh or anything, is that okay too? We should
probably not do that. People arecoming out to see you. Okay,

(01:52:11):
you're gonna meet Gaylord tomorrow. Ohyeah, maybe Gaylord. Picks is a
good I heard it's great just ingeneral, but I've never been there.
I've really gotten the full That's whythis month has been great because all these
ConA brewing appearances are in Portage Lakes, and so I went from never having
been to Portage Lakes to now goingto half a dozen spots around there.

(01:52:32):
Why is that? Why is whatthey picked Portage Lakes to do? They're
all on the water. Oh,it's a trip to Hawaii. Got it?
Although Bridge it blew me off.She was texting me last week.
Hey, I'm on the boat.I'm gonna come and say hi. Okay,
cool, just like college blowing meoff. Uh No, it was
fine. It was a lot offun. So picks and then we do

(01:52:53):
the finals of this if you're qualified. The finals are going to be at
the Upper Deck Bar and Grill onthe two, twenty ninth. But again,
all that information is at WMMS dotcom. Guardians play baseball tonight because
that's what they do, and they'regoing to do it in Toronto. Seven
oh seven is the first of threeagainst the Blue Jays originally the Toronto Blues.

(01:53:17):
So seven oh seven will roll aroundsix thirty and then six thirty something
we'll get right into a pregame.The reason that we're leaving about that time
is because the weekend will have officiallybegun. And the way that we know
that is we look at the clock. Just kidding, it's the Bill Squire
Friday. Get down, what areyou talking about? Clock stop? So

(01:53:43):
that will happen in a little overan hour. Was the Tom Brady retirement
speech? Did that just happened?I was watching a clip of that this
morning or is that an older cliphe's been retired for. That's what I'm
saying, But I didn't know ifthey had just had some official ceremony for
him or what. I know.They're putting a twelve foot tom Brady's statue
at Gillette Stadium. They're going tounveil a twelve foot Tom Brady statue.

(01:54:09):
Now, in the minds of Patriotfans, that is half of his actual
height, but it should still bevery impressive. I guess, tom Brady,
I'm sure it'll really nail his reallynail that vapid face. Is you
know, anybody who've got to renderin bronze or whatever they do, and

(01:54:31):
they're always very concerned of really catchingthe emotion in their face. Tom Brady,
you know, he's always got thatface like, I don't know what
that face is, doesn't really registermuch, probably because he was so focused
on winning. But Bill Belichick isdating a twenty four year old, so
everything is coming up roses for people. You know, from the Patriots hey

(01:54:58):
day. He was engaged to anage appropriate woman for quite some time,
a woman named Linda Holiday. AndBill Belichick, did you know he used
to be with the Cleveland Browns.Bill, I did know. Do people
around here know that? They mentionedit from time to time. He's dating
a twenty four year old former competitivecheerleader. Mary knows this boy your competitive

(01:55:23):
cheerleading career. It's very brief.It's like being a gymnast, right,
a female gymnast. Bodies changed somuch by the time you're seventeen or eighteen,
you're washed up. No oh,I mean you're not going to do
it pass like twenty five, right, Well I was exaggerating, but you're
yeah, you're still very young whenyou're done. And Bill Belichick is dating

(01:55:48):
twenty four year old twenty four yearold Jordan Hudson, a girl named after
two rivers, and he called offhis engagement a while ago, and now
he's dating this girl. And yougo, oh my god, I mean,

(01:56:08):
how does a seventy two year oldman and a twenty four year old
girl woman? Whatever? Ah,what could they possibly have in common?
I'm glad you asked. They meton a flight from Boston that was headed
to Florida a couple of years ago, and they bonded over a philosophy project

(01:56:30):
that she was working on for school, so he instantly recognized in her stay
it with me, an old soul, Oh philosophy. She's like, you
look, I caire aroan Socrates that'saround. Can you help me with this?
Hey? Listen, good for him. I would be amazed if she's

(01:56:53):
letting him do anything to her.But whatever, you know, they stayed
in touch. God can you imaginethe conversation like that though, Bill Belichick
and this girl. You know,she's talking about her cheerleading routines and her
schoolwork, and you know, Imean, there is a ceiling for that

(01:57:13):
kind of stuff. I got noshade whatsoever for older dudes who want to
date younger girls or vice versa.But there is a ceiling for that,
and seventy two is way above it, way above it. So he's taken
this girl to events, and youknow, she was there at Gillette Stadium

(01:57:38):
the last couple of seasons he wasthere. Now they're much more public.
She posts about him on her socialmedia. So what's the end game there,
because you've got to figure that herfriends, she's trying to get into
the will you know what it is? Does he have kids? Yeah?

(01:57:58):
He does. Okay, so hewas a married guy with kids and all
that, and he got divorced andI imagine I don't know the exact story,
but he's got like one of hissons helps coach, I think,
or when when he had a job. And then like I think he's got
daughter two. Okay, well thiswould be some interest in flowers than her.
Well, of course he's seventy two. His daughter's probably twice her age.

(01:58:25):
So Bill Belichick and her, they'vebecome a little bit more public,
and they're two consenting grown adults,got three kids, Steven, Amanda,
and Bryan. There you go,guys, I'd like you to meet your
new step mom she's twenty four.He was rooting her on at a cheerleading
competition a couple of months ago.He was also with her on a work

(01:58:47):
trip to Croatia. Listen, youhave never been on a work trip until
you've been on a work trip toCroatia, Because what a beautiful country.
What's in Croatia? Is that whereBelgrad is? Who knows anything about Croatia.

(01:59:08):
Mike's wife was Serbian, so Iwasn't allowed to mention stuff like that.
So yeah, they're doing okay,But it really does, I think,
give hope to every seventy two yearold millionaire that he might meet eventually

(01:59:28):
his soulmate and invariably help her withher homework because you know what, do
they always say with age comes wisdom, and he might have a lot to
impart. You think he wears thesleeveless hoodie when he's on top or do
you think that? I mean youprobably wears it the whole time, the

(01:59:51):
whole time you think I think heseems like a shirt on. He's donald
ducking it with just the sleeveless hoodie. That's his thing. Yeah, by
her request, she's like, leavethe sleeveless hoodie. On, leave it
on, put the hood up right. He had a retirement thing in Boston
today. Okay, maybe that's whatI saw the clip from, because I'm

(02:00:13):
like, this can't be new,But he looked like he was gonna cry
the whole time, and it was. It was a great speech. I
mean, listen, uh, youknow, nobody knows what they're doing like
Tom Brady. And he's like,you don't have to be special to be
successful. You just have to bewilling to do what other people are not
willing to do. And that's notnew information, but it's definitely worth repeating.

(02:00:35):
So he's like, yeah, itsucks when your friends are all at
the pool in the summertime and you'redoing two days and blah blah blah.
But then if you're lucky, youend up like Tom Brady getting cucked by
a jiu jitsuit. You would makeit like thirty million dollars a year from

(02:00:56):
Fox, and there's plenty of womenthat would be happy to escort him around
town. He got inducted into thePatriots Hall of Fame, You idiot,
he wasn't already in the Patriots Hallof Fame. Well, they just they
don't do it. Until you're retired. Oh is that true? Yeah,
oh well then I am in it. I think that's any hall of fame.

(02:01:19):
Well, I guess rotting up therock and roll. No, it's
that's what they always say, Hey, could we get in before we die?
And if you retire, that's yourprofessional death. The old soul in
her was him? Well come on, I mean again, I would you

(02:01:40):
know how like when Hefner had thosegirls, the three girls, and they're
like, oh yeah, we're baggingall the time, and I, for
one that did not believe that oneiota. And then when he died,
all the girls are like, ohyeah, yeah, we didn't ever let
him touch us. Well, ofcourse, I don't care how famous you
want to be. You know,there are three of you. But and

(02:02:03):
so that's probably the situation here.There's nothing wrong with having some arm candy.
I'm not quite sure what's in itfor her, but money, money
again in the will or just likemaybe he's like, hey, you hang
out, I'll give you money.I'll pay for some O the girlfriend experience.

(02:02:23):
Money, go buy whatever you want. Here's your you know, ten
thousand dollars a month allowance or whateverAlan willing to do. What others want
is like Belichick's a girlfriend. Youwant to be successful, You've got to
be willing to do what other peoplewon't, like have sex with Bill Bilich.
Ah. Oh, somebody else toldme that sleeveless hoodie is what she

(02:02:46):
calls his foreskin. Well, that'sa big assumption on your part that he
has it. We don't know.Speaking of that or along those lines,
I was reading a thing. Iwas going to ask doctor Bergland about it
next time he's in here. Idon't know when that'll be, but it's
going to be soon, and soI will definitely ask him about it then

(02:03:12):
as a medical professional. But themale birth controlled gel, they are getting
ready to I think put it on. I think they're past the clinical trials.
You know, birth control for menhas been the holy grail, like
the whole weight loss pill was right, and this new gel that they have,

(02:03:35):
they said it's effective for weeks withminimal side effects. It's a horle,
it's a hormonal solution that blocks spermproduction. It's a gel that is,
for whatever reason, applied to theshoulders once a day. And they
say that it's about the consistency ofhand sanitizer and that the people that took

(02:03:59):
part in the studies said it wassuper easy. The minor side effects were
like you know, aches and pains, whatever, but that after fifteen weeks
it was eighty six percent effective.Now, obviously this is something you want
to be one hundred percent effective,or at least the ninety nine, give
me the ninety nine point nine,But eighty six, ain't it? Birth

(02:04:23):
control for guys is within reach accordingto the studies that they're doing in this,
and so given our current kind ofstate of things, I'm curious.
I mean, how much of thisis going to affect the microplastic in my
balls? That's what I want toknow. That's what I'm trying, not

(02:04:44):
one bit. Okay, you won'thave any more or any less. Well
might make a prediction, yes,that this is not going to be government
regulated at all, and that noone's going to have a problem with this
being sold at CBS, And youread my mind, right, and anybody
march I better see right wingers screamingabout male birth control and Maga roobs better

(02:05:08):
be fighting to ban it. Ibetter see nationwide protests because the sperm isn't
the problem. Oh, all theeggs I see I see, they don't
do equal work here. It's notfifty to fifty. If there were no
eggs, there'd be no babies.Right, Well, it will be interesting.

(02:05:28):
I mean, I don't think thisthing is going to be on shelves
next week, but maybe within youknow, a year, eighteen months,
something like that, and it'll beinteresting to see because I begree if you
be covered by every healthcare provider,on everybody's insurance plan, you can walk
in. It's two bucks to pickit up. You don't gotta you don't
gotta unlock a little. It's gonnabe crickets from those right wing dudes who

(02:05:54):
are trying to outlaw birth control forwomen and pills and all that stuff.
They'll be signed in a constitution withina year. Now. They're moving on
to divorce. By the way,they want to make it harder to get
a divorce, so they're really reallygot their finger on the pulse of the
country. What's going on divorce?I said, make it hard to get

(02:06:15):
married either way. Man. Well, it's funny. There was this woman
that's the microplassics. Before there wasthis woman on Facebook or something who was
selling she had made and was sellingI'm voting for the felon shirts. Right,

(02:06:36):
these magotypes are all leaning into it'sgreat that Trump is a convicted felon.
So she was making all this I'mvoting for the felon merch, and
she was doing it so that shecould save up for maternity leave because I
guess it doesn't dawn on her thatthe guy she worships is the head of

(02:07:00):
a party that is constantly slashing fundingfor things like that. So I guess
she didn't put two and two togetherthat making merch so she can make money
for maternity leave is a little strange. So, you know, the same
people who were, oh, becauseit's never been about kids consistently consistently slash

(02:07:25):
programs that will help women who dohave children, single moms, things like
that. And so I hope shesells a lot. I mean, you
know whatever. I want her tobe able to make money for maternity leave
because and I don't know what herjob is, but obviously it doesn't provide
maternity leave. And so I guessit's she hasn't seen the connection there.

(02:07:49):
Someone just wrote something just got pastedabout maternity leave. Oh man, it
was like that some one of thestates gave life two months paid maternity leave
or something like that. Somebody justI just saw this on Instagram. I'm
not gonna I'm not gonna find it. Oh I don't know. Oh you

(02:08:11):
saw it on Instagram. Yeah,Oregon that's what it was. Oh okay,
Oh yeah, it's not gonna bea red state. I mean it's
gonna be. Um where did itgo? Paid leave an Oregon? One
hundred percent wage replacement for all employees. Oh, it was like it was

(02:08:33):
like crazy. It was like sixteenweeks or something like. It was a
ton of time. Yeah. Likemy sisters. I mean, I've obviously
never been pregnant, but my sisterswe worked in bars and they would get
pregnant and then it was six weeksunpaid. So they were like, you
can take six weeks off work,keep your job, but then you have
to come back. I'm like,a six week old baby can't do anything.

(02:08:56):
No, that's when you had tocome back if you wanted to keep
your job. Yep. Yeah,bring the baby with them. Nope,
And we're not going to pay youfor We're not going to give you any
money to uh find childcare. Youfigure it out, yeah, of course,
because they love kids. Well,yeah, in families, families and

(02:09:20):
kids. I mean childbirth in theUnited States, by the way, and
we should be hanging our heads inshame. But childbirth in this country is
deadlier than any other high income countryacross the board, in the United States,
especially for like black women, Latinowomen, deadlier a country at the

(02:09:43):
level at which the United States is. You know, whatever you think of
any anything else, there's no doubtthat this country, for the most parts
firing on a lot of cylinders,if not all. But in the United
States, childbirth earth is still apotentially deadly thing because of all these things
that are slashed, because of allof these moves that are made to make

(02:10:07):
sure not that children are healthy,but that women in a lot of places
in this country are punished just forgetting pregnant, but forced to be.
Yeah, forced to be so.I don't know how you change that,
but I mean, that's that ain'ta good stat boy, you know,
when like maternal when you know childmortality or infant mortality. You know,

(02:10:33):
amongst countries of our standing, I'mnot talking about like Sub Saharan Africa things
like that, but like wealthy countries, we're dead last in them. See
Alan Cox Show. Sure you couldlisten to another show, but then how
would you find the puppies we buriedin boxes around the city one hundred point
seven wmms. Who is this?Mary? This has ben Lozy White's trash.

(02:11:31):
It's what that's why it's trash.Oh boy, wow? Is this
more old man music? Is thatwhat it is? You know who it
is? I don't really this iscool in the gang. They're an up
and coming band. Oh this isplain white Teeth. They're rolling stones?
What I was looking for? You? Rolling stones? They're a brown Stadium

(02:11:54):
tomorrow night. They're rolling stones.I don't know if it's sold out?
Are you You're not going? Areyou? Bill? Now? I'm going
to be out of town. You'regoing to You're going to stern News,
New York. Gonna make a weekendout with the girlfriend. We're going to
the Comedy Museum and then we're gonnago co cue the show and it would

(02:12:15):
be a good time. Oh boy, Well the Comedy Museum, though,
that sounds like that sounds like somethingfor you. She just wanted to go
because I told her how fun itis. You really try to steer her
into that direction. Well, shelikes Comney you're gonna really like it's a
fun place. No, I'm not. I'm just saying. I mean I
told her about it because I wentthere back in December with pants and Tommy

(02:12:39):
and she saw how fun and she'slike, I really want to go there.
I'm like, well, oh,okay, gotcha. It is for
her opportunity to take her, andI'm taking her and Mary just you know,
we're going out after my show tonightbecause you've been going out a lot
and Mary likes to sneeze. Wascoming. Now it's gone. I can't

(02:13:05):
stand that, dude. God,it's the worst my nose. Yeah,
go out, do whatever you want, man, nothing matters. What should
I sing? Sing? Miss?You sing this? Yeah? I want
to sing some of them Mary likesfor once. No you don't. I'm
okay. Sing Grundy County Auction?Who's that by John Michael Montgomery Grundy County

(02:13:28):
Auction. M it's called sold GrundyCounty Auction. Wow, let me hear
it, don't do I know thissong? No, there's no chance you
hear this. This is one ofmy favorite. I'll carry you this if
it's like a real hillbilly bar ina country song yeah, people that like
country. Montgomery sold. Yeah,you're never gonna You're never gonna bomb singing

(02:13:50):
a country song at karaoke. Notreally. I mean, if you pick
the right one, you're gonna findsomething that even if people country music are
gonna nod their heads along, itdoes Alan Jackson nine to eleven songs.
It's that's a whole other thing.I'm probably not gonna do that, all

(02:14:11):
right, because I don't know thatone. I can't do a song and
never heard before. Hey Mike,Hey, Michae, what's up. Hey?
I was just you guys were talkingabout Rolling Stones and uh, taking
my son for the first time tohis first concert. That's awesome. How
old is he? Forty fast eleven? Man? That's great. The Stones,

(02:14:39):
I'll tell you what. Get thereearly because the band that's opening for
them is awesome. They're called GhostTowns. They're like this rock blues thing
from Pittsburgh. But they're really reallygood. Yeah, they're awesome. Now.
I've seen The Stones a couple Haveyou seen them before, Mike?
Have you seen them? Yeah?You know, and I only saw them
just a couple of years ago inPittburgh. Yeah, so it's really strange.

(02:15:01):
And I was thinking about, youknow, my first concert, or
one of my first concert was.I was probably about the same age too.
My sister drugged me to see theMonkeys, uh their reunion tour.
Wow, And it kind of tripsme out because I'm taking my son to
see this eighty year old guy.And and I saw the Monkeys and on

(02:15:26):
their reunion tour, and those guyswere probably only like forty something. I
thought they were eight. Yeah.Well, it's like, you know,
back in the early eighties, peopleare like, oh, one of the
Stones, gonna hang it up rightnow. That was forty years ago.
But yeah, we'll have a goodtime. Mike. I appreciate it.
Thank you, Mike, owing tothe Stones tomorrow night. I love that
song miss You. It's the it'sthe first track on Some Girls. I

(02:15:48):
played in a cover band in Pittsburghfor a while and it was one of
my favorite songs that we played becauseit's just this there's the breakdown in the
medals, so it's great, it'sjust this this languid series jam man.
It's so great. And that albumis Some Girls, is great. It
was a number one song miss Youback in the day. It was kind
of a. That was a weirdtime for the Stones. People who've been

(02:16:11):
with The Stones for a long longtime. Late seventies were a weird time
for them because they were by thetime Some Girls comes out, They're like
fourteen albums in and punk and discowere really blowing up in the late seventies
and so this, but the songswere kind of doing their thing, I
mean, micking key for each other'sthroats. But the album it was a

(02:16:31):
big hit. I mean now it'skind of considered probably one of their best
albums, but from the Stones fans, but yeah, I like those guys,
The Rolling Stones. Tomorrow night.It's my uncle's favorite band. I
wonder if he's going. Maybe heis. Oh, Corric Hackney Diamonds.
You know, the people keep sayingthese guys need to hang it up,

(02:16:52):
and then they keep putting out thesebangers that Hackney Diamond's album is great.
And they're expect to draw fifty thousandpeople to Brown Stadium tomorrow. It's their
first concert in Cleveland in over twentyyears. They last played the gun To
Arena in two thousand and two,and they were supposed to be the COVID

(02:17:15):
killed the last time they were gonnabe here. McJagger, Keith Richards are
eighty years old. Ronnie Wood isseventy seven. The new album is their
twenty fourth and they do nineteen songsin their set, which spans sixty years
of hits. I love it.Of course, Charlie Watts passed away a

(02:17:39):
few years ago, but they hadthis amazing guy named Steve Jordan who's back
there behind the drums. They couldn'thave done better Thana after One River.
That's right, he was part ofJohn Mayor true? Was he really?
Yep? Man? Steve Jordan's goodPino Palladino, Pino Paladino on the base
Boom boom, boom boom awesome,what a great lineup. No, Steve

(02:18:00):
Jordan. I think way back inthe day he was for a cup of
coffee. He was in Letterman's band, and I think, like pre Anton
fig it was Steve Jordan. Ionly know that because during my I don't
know. It's hard to say myfavorite album of all time, but top
three probably is John Mayer's It's aLive in Los Angeles from two thousand and
seven. It's called Where the LightIs and he does like a full band

(02:18:24):
set and acoustic set and a trioset, and during the last song of
the trio set, he goes,Steve Jordan, Pino Palladino, we are
John Mayer treat And then I waslike, that's the only reason why I
remember those guys, says, yeah, I'm Pino Palladino played with everybody boy
because he's like a session guy.Yeah. So he played with nine inch
Nails and Tears for Fears and theWho and yeah everybody. So yeah,

(02:18:52):
and the Rock Hall is doing Stonestuff all weekend. They got that Stone's
exhibit and they're doing a tailgate thingtomorrow and they're doing the thing on Sunday.
And you know how bummed out CampPatterson's gonna be when he finds out
the Stones are a band and notjust stones he can put in his pocket.
He likes rocks stones, that's differentlike them. Both tickets. Oh,

(02:19:18):
tickets are still available for the Stones. They start at one hundred and
sixty dollars. That's probably pretty cheapthe Stone Show. Walk right up and
get get some tickets there. Ifyou listen to us on the iHeartRadio app,
God we ran up, you know, we run the promos ad nauseum
for the app and the one wejust ran We're coming Back from Break.

(02:19:39):
You know, they're extolling the virtuesof the content library that's on the app,
not only this program, but theylike to highlight that there are half
a million podcasts which just go fishing. You're gonna find something you like.
But if you listen out of stateto us, tell me where Jessica's are

(02:20:03):
Bureau chief in Hell's Kitchen. Sashais in Portland, Oregon, Angel is
down in the Cincinnati, Brad isin West Lafayette, Indiana, and Melanie
is in Smithville, Tennessee, andyou can leave messages there too. You
guys were talking about old man music, and every time I hear Credence,

(02:20:28):
all I can ever think about isthe Big Lebowski. You know, the
cops ask him if there was anythingof value in his trunk and he said,
oh, there's a couple of Credencealbums. And I also can't decide
if I actually hate the FN Eaglesor I just love The Big Lebowski so
much that I've taken that on aspart of my personality. Power of suggestion.

(02:20:52):
Man, Yeah, I don't knowif I really hate Eagles or if
I like them. I was.I got into the studio early this morning.
I think Mark Nolan had I don'tknow if he was on today or
what, but I got in thestudio earlier than I normally do, and

(02:21:13):
Rover was still on and they weretalking about bands. Doog was doing some
quiz, you know, does thisband have the in the name or not,
because there's a lot of bands peoplethink have the in the name,
like Eagles. Eagles doesn't have athe. And she was reading it and

(02:21:33):
they were she was asking and theywere answering, you know, misfits,
beg's whatever. And she gets toEagles and Jeffrey goes, I know for
a fact because I grew up listeningit's the, it's the And I'm sitting
here going, no, there's nothe, and she goes, you're right,
there's the. So I started Itext her from like down the hall
here I go, there's no thein Eagles. It's just Eagles. Now

(02:21:56):
I understand everybody puts the on it. I think they're The documentary about them
had the in it, but thereis no Eagles in it. No,
there's no the. I'm sorry,there's no the. Yeah, they're just
called them. There yeah, justthey're just there's no the Yeah. And
then I saw her. I waslike, I was trying to save you
in there, because then I thinkthey all started something. Yeah, well,

(02:22:20):
no they were. They didn't know, you know, oh nobody knew.
Well be on the show was like, you're wrong. Uh, I
don't know. I don't know aboutthat. I just heard that a little
bit. When I saw it later, I was like, I was trying
to save you with the Eagles thing. And Steve Martin was friends with Glenn
Frye, and he was talking aboutin the documentary how there was no the

(02:22:41):
in Eagles. Says, what doyou think about this for a name?
Eagles? I said, I likethat the Eagles. He said, no
Eagles. Yeah, the Eagles soundsgood, he said, no Eagles.
Finally I figured out, oh,Eagles, that's the name of the group.
A lot of people think it's theEagles, but it's not as eagle.
I was like, the Eagles better, frankly, the Eagles light eyes.

(02:23:09):
Brandy want here from the Eagles.No, it's hard to do,
but technically no, the brandy onefrom Eagles. It just sounds hundred points
seven double the US. The buzzardis it Fleetwood Mac or the Fleetwood Man?

(02:23:30):
Well, because one of them.When she was doing this little quizz
she was like food Fighters and Begs, and yeah, there's no Don Begs
and and there's no vun food Fighters. I forget. They're all trick questions.
But there had to be a coupleof THEUS in there. But there's
no Then Backstreet Boys, the BackstreetBoys or Number one hits Man. You

(02:23:56):
stepped right into that one. Oophere comes I don't know, not yet.
Really, they keep you waiting.There no Eagles, It Rick Springfield
or Springfield. I know. Iread a book last year called rock Me
on the Water and it's a greatit's about nineteen seventy four. It's about

(02:24:18):
one year where La became like thecultural epicenter of music and movies and television
and politics, and so there's thesechapters that are really zeroed in on a
different part of the culture then,and so there's a lot of stuff on
Eagles. And it was an amazingbook. It's named after a I think

(02:24:39):
it's a Jackson Brown song, butreally really good book. I like Eagles
a lot, and I'm the antiLebowski, but no, I like them
a lot. I also like,speaking of Steve Martin, have you watched
the Steve Martin documentary at all onApple? No, it dropped a few
months ago, and then I forgetgot that it was there. So I

(02:25:01):
went back to it and I wasonly like fifteen minutes in. It's only
two episodes, but I think they'reninety minutes apiece. It's I just love
Steve Martin so much, just likehis just his vibe on everything, man,
his vibe on the craft, andjust how kind of zen he is
about everything. And he's so sogreat. But there's a for people who

(02:25:24):
give a fat frogs ass about SteveMartin. I thought his book is called
Born Standing Up. I thought thatwas one of the best books ever about
comedy. But and it's not nearlyas big as that could have been.
His autobiography is a relatively quick read, but yeah, but a great documentary.

(02:25:46):
I'm Steve on the Steve Martin.Yeah, that's that's a piling up,
I know. And then the newseason The Boys. Yeah, yeah,
but what else are we're trying toWe're trying to get through Dark Matter.
As anybody watching Dark Matter on Apple, that's pretty good. Some things

(02:26:07):
I watch with Gwen. The factthat I can't even remember that Apple has
anything on It's that great stuff bythe way, I'm sure it does,
but I just never open that appanymore. I haven't been on it.
For you're a sci fi nerd boy. Apple is quietly building an amazing catalog
of shows over there, like OriginalShows, Foundation and for All Mankind and

(02:26:33):
Sugar was a sci fi show.And see. I am a person who,
in every aspect of my life strugglesin moderation. So I don't really
like to start a new show unlessI know I have time to finish it
interesting, Like, I'm not someonewho's going to watch a show over the
course of a year. Like that'sno, I wouldn't either. Yeah.
I mean my roommate was clicking out. She'll watch a half of an episode

(02:26:54):
of one show and then never goback to it, and I'm like,
I can't do this. She hadon the other day, Yeah, she
had on the other day. That'sstupid. It was called It's called Five
Star Chef and it's about it's acooking competition about people who are gonna take
over some like legendary hotel restaurant inLondon. And we watched one episode together,

(02:27:15):
she fell asleep during it, andthen I watched the next seven episodes
over the course of two days.So I'm like, I don't have time
to start a show not too muchgoing on, because otherwise I will sit
and watch every minute of my freetime. We'll be spent watching that show.
Right well, Plus if it getstoo like for me, like Gwen
and I will watch topical shows likeI'll watch Bill Maher, We'll watch John
Oliver. But if it gets tolike the end of the next week,

(02:27:39):
I'm not gonna go back and watchit, you know what I mean,
because it's like it's very topical,and it's and you know, we get
like an hour of television a night, so we have to be kind of
very very surgical about what we're watching. Yeah, but yeah, that's Steve
Martin documentary is I still haven't finishedit, but it's great. I was

(02:28:05):
thinking, I mean, I obviouslyknow who Steve Martin is, right,
but whenever I hear his name,I think of the scene in the office
where they're having a bad day andMichae's sitting there and he goes, did
I ever tell you about the daythat Steve Martin died? Pam's like,
Steve Martin's not dead, and hewas. I know, but I thought
the day that he died would bethe worst day of my life. And
he's like, and I'm wrong.Today's the worst day of my life.
I think of every time I hearSteve Martin. I'm like, did I

(02:28:26):
ever tell you about the day thatSteve Martin died? That was his hypothetical
situation? Like you you know,you create hypothetical arguments. Yeah, he
was looking for he was looking notlooking forward. He was that would be
the worst day was the day thatSteve Martin died? Right, Well,
because it's wild because in this documentaryit's mostly just him and the filmmaker,

(02:28:46):
but obviously they have little interstitials fromfriends. But then the second half of
it there's large segments with him andMartin short because they're writing that two man
show that they take on the road, and you know, these guys they're
pushing eighty now, and so itjust makes you if you're like a gen

(02:29:07):
x er, you know, likeme or somebody around my age, You're
watching these guys and you're like,these guys are gonna be gone, and
man, it's a bummer. SoI'm with Michael Scott on that one.
Yeah, that's gonna be It's notgonna be the worst day of my life.
It's gonna be a real it's gonnabe the worst day. You're like,
what celebrity is gonna hit you?Well, you never know how something's
gonna hit you. But like whenyou're like, wow, when that person

(02:29:28):
goes I watching this documentary, ithit me. I was like, I'm
gonna be really upset when Steve Martindies or Martin short. I love both
of those guys, just that kindof comedian, writer, artist and the
fact that this kind of going awayand they're so active and you know,

(02:29:52):
at this point, a lot ofpeople that have you know, they have
a great legacy, but they're notdoing a lot right now. Yeah.
For me, it's though, ohis it really no? Oh, I
don't know. I mean, theguy's ninety eight, he means a lot
to a lot. He thought hewas dead so many times. He looks
like a homeless guy now. Butyeah, like I like his look,
Yeah, but no, because he'syou know, Steve Martin, he's got

(02:30:13):
a young wife and a young child. You know, he's twenty two or
twenty His wife's fifty and he's likeseventy five or something, but he's got
like an eleven year old daughter.So he's like, I did my life
backwards. You know. He's likea lot of people will get married and
have kids and then you know,kind of do the career thing, and
he's like, I went the exactopposite way. I tell people that about

(02:30:33):
moving to New York, Like whenI'm meeting people and they're like, oh,
wow, like you, I'm like, yeah, I have a whole
I have an entire life in Ohio. Yeah, house and a boyfriend and
his daughter, and I've been doingstand up twelve years. Like I didn't
come here on some open mic,you know, right, Women of Hope
like ye, no, right,No, it doesn't work. I mean

(02:30:54):
people, you find your own youfind your own way. I almost like
it that way, where it's likeyou do there's no right way to do
anything, no right way, andnobody knows what they're doing. By the
way, none of us know whatwe're doing. We're just walking around bumping
into furniture. That's basically been mostof my life. Call The Alan Cox
Show Idiot Stupid under two six seveneight one double oh seven or one eight,

(02:31:16):
three four eight one double oh seven. Oh boy, you gotta put
a little pitching your gidea up.You're ready for the Bill Squire Friday Get

(02:31:41):
Down, which is on the way. It's how we start the weekend around
these parts. And then Guardian's pregame. As soon as we roll out that
I get going round six forty orso seven o seven tonight live from Toronto,
Ontario. Guardians Blue Jays first ofthree seven oh seven tonight and then

(02:32:01):
they come back home the host ofthe Mariners beginning of the week, and
then the Blue Jays will come toCleveland and that'll be next week. And
of course you'll hear all of iton MMS. You can also listen on
the iHeartRadio app. Alan, whenDolly Parton goes, the nation will need
a day off to mourn. Yeah, people were hitting me up with their
their celebrities that it's going to hitthem hard. Alan, I'm going to

(02:32:26):
be so upset when William Daniels passesaway. You know who William Daniels is.
Yeah, he has multi generational reach. Who Jack Daniels that well,
No, William and Jack would betwo different time. Jack. When I
was a kid, he was thevoice of Kit from Night Rider. But
a lot of people know as fromBoy Meets He's almost one hundred mister Feenie

(02:32:48):
from Boy Meets World. He wason a show called Saint Elsewhere that my
parents watched Hospital Drama when I wasa kid, had Howie Mandel in it,
and early Denzel war Washington Show.Willie Nelson is going to be another
one when we get that news that'sgonna be tough. Is it Alan Cox

(02:33:11):
Show or the Alan Cox Show?Well, it is the graphic Yeah,
yep, yeah, that Talking Headshave an album called The name of the
band is talking Heads. It's notthe Talking Heads. But anyway, ah

(02:33:35):
blah blah blah. You know,I'm not a big I didn't grow up
in a house that revered anyone.We grew up Catholic, of course,
and as I've mentioned before, mostof the kids I grew up with were
either Irish or Italian. And ifyou grew up Irish Catholic, you had

(02:33:56):
photos of Kennedy in your house,and if you grew up Italian Catholic,
you had pictures of the Pope andFrank Sinatra. But there were crucifixes.
Is it crucifuses. What's the pluralof crucifix You had crucifises room of your
house. Hmm. But my momwas she was big on Kennedy because of

(02:34:22):
course she was in high school whenhe was killed, and if you were
Catholic back then, that was forthe boomers, the where were you when?
And for my mom it was JohnF. Kennedy. And I never
really you know, it was beforemy time, and I never really cared
one way or the other about thelingering side effects of whatever the conspiracy theories

(02:34:45):
were and all that. But itis interesting when they get into the salacious
stuff about jfk. That to meis always more interesting than anything else,
you know, because so much ofit is it's known now that the guy
was you know, he's banging MarilynMonroe, and so was his brother,

(02:35:05):
and you know. But that's whyI could never figure out where they would
talk about how John F. Kennedyhad these debilitating back pains. I'm like,
well, then how is he puttingthe laying the pipe to Marilyn manson?
What was her name, Marilyn Monroeif his back was so bad Anyway,
there is a columnist named Maureen Callahanwho's a pretty good writer, and

(02:35:28):
she has just dropped a new JFKbook, and it's about the secrets of
Kennedy and Jackie's marriage. It's calledAsk Not and they get into a lot
of different interesting things. Maybe studentsof JFK and Camelot know all this stuff,

(02:35:48):
but like I said, I don'tdo deep dives on this stuff,
but my ears kind of perk upwhen I see it. The truth about
their sex life, from underage mistressesto sexually transmitted diseases and orgies in the
White House. You know, theseare things that the modern presidency, if
you heard about them, even withall the polarization of this country, you'd

(02:36:13):
be back on your heels if youheard this kind of stuff. But back
then, just incredible. I don'tknow what's doing down there. You know,
I doubt either of those guys canget it up, but who knows.
But you know, back when Kennedywas president, that's when the you

(02:36:33):
know, people think the media nowis like biased one way or the other,
but back then, you know,they were really kind of run and
cover for some of these people.They weren't trying to peel back the layers
in every situation. So some ofthe anecdotes from this book following the assassination,

(02:36:58):
take them with a grain of selig. Following the assassination, Jackie spent
her final moments alone with JFK's corpse. Of course, he was killed in
Dallas. This was at Parkland MemorialHospital, and they mentioned that she kissed
his entire body, woo, hismouth, his chest, bomb his feet,

(02:37:20):
his wiener ain't his leg taint andbottom of the feet. Yeah,
yep, she huffed his hole thewhole bit. Mm hmm wenus Yeah,
got all over that. Wenis.When JFK learned that she had suffered a

(02:37:41):
third trimester still birth, he wasin the South of France and refused to
return home. He told his brotherBobby on the phone, what's done is
done. The baby is lost.Now if you're getting it on with starlet's
in the south of France, youknow, you know, what are you
gonna He's not coming home for that. That doesn't seem to be the guy

(02:38:03):
he was. Doesn't seem to bethe guy he was. That's why it
was so dangerous for people to reverehim the way that they did. That's
why you shouldn't revere any mortal,any one, but Paul. Mm hmm.
Here's a little story. Jackie andJFK had sex the night before his

(02:38:28):
death. They were hoping to conceiveafter their son had died beforehead shots.
Well here's what they said. Theygo On the morning of his assassination,
she got her period both bleeding thatday. JFK almost certainly gave Jackie all

(02:38:50):
kinds of STDs, which likely causedher fertility issues. Boy, this is
the These are the lengths to whichwomen will stay with powerful men. By
the way, this wasn't really atime where I think a first lady could
have divorced the president. But still, yeah, of course, like,

(02:39:11):
there's no way they would do that. Kennedy's family agreed to pay her a
million dollars if she stayed in themarriage, and millions more if jack ever
gave her another st D. Allright, listen, we're the ones you
got already grandfather did in time served, all right, But if he gives

(02:39:35):
you one more, that's a milliondollar HERP right there, baby. Now,
you're not gonna know if it's aningrown hair or if you got the
herp, But if it's the latter, you know what that means. Yeah,
you're gonna be. You're gonna beat that point you're kind of rooting
for it. Yeah, you're gonnabe. You're gonna be begging for something

(02:39:56):
to trap the pre aids. YetNo, No, he's yet. Nope,
he's getting some syphilis. Yeah,they've probably had herpes, all that
kind of stuff. You think thatthe president might wrap it up. Yeah,

(02:40:20):
Now you're the leader of the freeworld. You don't gonna wear a
condom. He's free balling in thefree world like that. Neil Young Song
JFK sent Jackie to a mental hospitals. Catholic Yeah, right, honey,
I can't do any of that.I'm Catholic. I can't be wearing that.
The old Poland prey she was gettingelectro shock therapy, Jackie. That

(02:40:48):
made him cheat. That's what Iwant. That's the that's the one question,
right ask In this book, Jackieknew about his infamous pool parties,
which were when was this guy likedoing things? Yeah? You know,
everybody complains now when presidents play golf, and of course Trump spent most of

(02:41:11):
his presidency playing golf. He hadno interest in being president or doing the
having the responsibility associated with it.But that aside. You know, most
presidents play golf, and maybe Kennedydid too, But you know, complaining
about golf seems like nothing compared toWhite House pool parties. You know,

(02:41:33):
it's it's him and his brothers,writes Ted and Bobby and him and I
I rom yout know, Nate abathing suit. You can get in there,
and it's my amazing John F.Kennedy big sixties bushes. Because a
few years ago there was that bookfrom that in that White House intern you

(02:41:54):
remember that this woman named Mimi Beardsleycame out with it, but we talked
about it. I'm sure she cameout with a book that said that she
lost her virginity to JFK when shewas nineteen, Like she literally started in
the White House as an intern andfour days later she banged JFK. Like
he got her drunk or something partying. JFK impregnated a fifteen year old babysitter

(02:42:22):
when he was a senator. Yeah, that's that's wild. That's a lot
of stuff. Despite his quote highlibido, JFK was terrible in bed.
Jackie herself said he just goes toofast and falls asleep. Good for him,
Well, he got his right.I mean, that's probably how he

(02:42:43):
was with her. It's probably whoI like everybody. He's like JFK.
You don't need to be good inbed. No. But also by the
time he climbed into the bed inthe Lincoln bedroom with Jackie, he'd been
banging all day long, so hewouldn't be quick. Then, you know,
if even was based on your logic, I don't think he had to
be good in bed. He probablyhe probably was. He didn't have to.

(02:43:07):
He didn't have to. But it'sall us civilians out here. They
got to be pulling out all ourtricks. We got to have every club
in the bag. Come on,man, Well anyway, this is the
kind of slacious detail that, ifyou're looking for a beach read seems like,

(02:43:30):
uh, the new Kennedy book.If he was that bad in the
bedroom, he probably could have useda second shooter. Jackie, Rob,
why didn't you? Why didn't youtrim down that grassy knoll? And I
rhy, Maybe I'll get in thereon his watch from over here in the

(02:43:50):
cook chair. Uh. I calledher vagina the depository that probably probably won't
come back to haunt me. Asknot the Kennedy's and the women they destroyed
is the name of the book,The Women they destroyed. Well, and

(02:44:11):
this is the thing too, youknow, the Kennedy assassination. There were
all the theories about and they're probablytrue, you know, theories about the
mob rubbed him out or whatever becausehe had run a foul of whatever sam
Gy and Kanna wanted to do.But also if you're poking that many women,
you're poking like guys, wives andgirlfriends, it's like the mob wouldn't

(02:44:31):
have to have been involved at all, because there would have been This was
back when the president was in aconvertible, for Christ's sake, Like,
you can't believe there was ever atime where that was a thing, that
the president was in a convertible.Hey, I how I uh Dallas Man.

(02:44:54):
So anyway, Michael Parmi says,talk about the real Red Scare.
Hey, Happy Father's Day to Alanand Bill. This person says, any
plans uh actually going to my parentson Sunday and I have some dinner with
them. Dinner with your mom anddad must be nice, must be nice?

(02:45:20):
Want to come? No? Thankyou? No, I I was
I was trying to give Gwen ananswer. She's like what do you want
to do for Friday? I go, I don't. We don't need to
do anything. Let's just hang outbecause my older kids aren't coming. And
I was like, let's go tothe movies or something like a movie that
my daughter will want to watch.You know, there's a bunch of we're

(02:45:43):
gonna go to. If we're gonnago to if we haven't seen Inside Out
one, So watch it. Yougot time? Yeah, maybe tonight.
Al when the doctor asked JFK wherehis pain was, he said, my
back and to the left. Irun my back and I run to the
left. I read that FDR wasconstantly doing cocaine in the White House.

(02:46:09):
Back then it was still medicinal.Yeah, well, wasn't he in a
wheelchair? He was, but Ithink he was somewhat can't do or people
in wheelchairs can't do cocaine. ButI don't know that he was confined to
a wheelchair though. But but again, when I was talking about how the
media would kind of cover for thepresident and not the salacious stuff, but

(02:46:30):
like they used to shoot uh FDRfrom like the waist up or something,
or they would prop him up forspeeches. You know, they would give
speeches to the back of trains andstuff. So like most of the electorate
had no idea that he was ina wheelchair because they didn't let people know.
They didn't take pictures of him likethey weren't trying to get him on
something, you know, falls offbikes. Yeah, and he's eighty one.

(02:46:54):
What do you want man? Bill? Do you want to heyday Han
Kennedy be call me? What aboutyHennedy called me? Aby Amy Anna be
com me brother? Let me help? All right? You know what it
is, the Bill Squire Friday,get down and honor the late Great Murray

(02:47:15):
Saul here at w MMS is howwe start the weekend. Take it away
with him. It's right, gotdown on Friday, Get out there and

(02:47:35):
fix it up with some ladies,whether they got raisin bumps or herpes or
syphili's, whatever it is. Treatyour weekend like your j F and be
bad and bad quick shoot a quickshoot, quick shoot. It's day.

(02:48:00):
That is easily the most irresponsible Fridaygets down we've ever had. Hey,
who cares if they have bumps?Get up? There's a little, a
little pitch change in the voice atthe beginning of there that was good,
just like his vocal cards started seasonup. Mary, that's the lengths to
which he'll go to give the peoplewhat they want. I don't know what

(02:48:22):
people. The Friday get Down,a lot of people, married people,
there's a lot. Mary was likeheckling the get down. It took forever.
Why do it take so long toget there? Because it's yeah,
it's a build up. It's abuild up. Its creating tension and suspense.

(02:48:43):
And now I must leave you asthe Brady bunch is on and I
find four of those children incredibly arousing. Get out of here. Careful of
what you say, Be careful inevery way, Be careful of what you
do. Big Brother is watching you. Be circumspect and discreet, stay light

(02:49:11):
on your mental feet. One slipand you know you're through. Big Brother
is watching you. And with allnarratives, remember obedience paid. And when
you watch that davy screens, rememberit works both ways. You'll disappear in

(02:49:35):
a wink. Unless you can doublethink, you'll vanish into the blue.
Big Brother is watching you.
Advertise With Us

Popular Podcasts

Dateline NBC
Let's Be Clear with Shannen Doherty

Let's Be Clear with Shannen Doherty

Let’s Be Clear… a new podcast from Shannen Doherty. The actress will open up like never before in a live memoir. She will cover everything from her TV and film credits, to her Stage IV cancer battle, friendships, divorces and more. She will share her own personal stories, how she manages the lows all while celebrating the highs, and her hopes and dreams for the future. As Shannen says, it doesn’t matter how many times you fall, it’s about how you get back up. So, LET’S BE CLEAR… this is the truth and nothing but. Join Shannen Doherty each week. Let’s Be Clear, an iHeartRadio podcast.

The Dan Bongino Show

The Dan Bongino Show

He’s a former Secret Service Agent, former NYPD officer, and New York Times best-selling author. Join Dan Bongino each weekday as he tackles the hottest political issues, debunking both liberal and Republican establishment rhetoric.

Music, radio and podcasts, all free. Listen online or download the iHeart App.

Connect

© 2024 iHeartMedia, Inc.