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June 20, 2024 157 mins
The Alan Cox Show
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Episode Transcript

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See Allen Talk Show. Sure youcould listen to another show. Then how
would you find the puppies we buriedin boxes around the city point seven?
Wmms? Hey Eric? Yeah,hello Alan? What's going on? Hate
the show? Thank you, sir. So I got to do a little
bit of a dilemma the other day, and as a tastemaker of Cleveland,

I was wondering if I could possiblyget your your opinion on this situation.
Wait, you're calling me a tastemaker of Cleveland? Who heard him?
Wow? So I guess the firsttime I heard that? All right,
what's the problem? So I wentto the bar around noon to go watch
a little basketball game on my lunchbreak the other week and had to go

to the bathroom, ended up cloggingthe toilet. And I mean, I
consider the bartender a friend of mine, and so when we locked eyes and
I told him what had happened,we didn't know what to do because I
don't want him, you know,serving drinks all day after having done something

like that. But I also couldn'tdo it because that was on the clock.
So I see you you were takinga break from work, so you
had to get back to work,and you had left a real stump in
there and it was horrible. Hedidn't want to go back to your boy

behind the bar and go, heyman, sorry, but there's he was
the only one on duty, ifyou will, there was only one there
because I was the only customer.Gotcha, Then you weren't think I should
have done. Then you weren't takingwhat happened. Then you weren't taking him
away from other people. I mean, I don't know know, but I
don't want I don't want to knowthat. Like I have his phone number,

so I don't want to go throughmy life knowing he had to do
something like that on his workday.Yeah, you throwing fifty bucks from the
trouble, and what what did youdo? Well? I went in there
myself, and I was in thereforty minutes, and that toilet would not
budget and then these little pieces ofplastic started coming up, and I'm like,

that's not for me. Turned outa hooligan had stuck a bar of
soap in a plastic bag and shovedit in that right, all right,
So you did get it. Youfound the soap and unclogged the commode.
Oh no, the toilet is gone. They had to remove it. Oh

because it got ways stuck in there. Yeah, there's no toilet there.
Well, then the silver lining is, Eric, you're the last person to
poop in that bar's toilet. Ididn't even think of that. It's exciting
that it's my silver lining. Youwanted my take, that's my take.
You were the last guy to dropa deuce in that toilet. That's like

the opposite of a marriage. It'slike the end is open. Ok,
all right, good well listen aslong as you can live with it,
Eric, I can too. Thankyou. All right, there you go.
There's Eric out in Summit County,who I didn't know what I was
going to tell him, but listen. It hadn't even occurred to him from

these parts. One of our favoriteshows is I Think you should leave on
Netflix? Tim Robinson, of courseTim Robinson, who was kind of a
non issue at Saturday Night Live.He was there for one season, didn't
get much to do. Might havebeen there for a couple He was only
there one season as a performer.I think they might have hired him as

a writer and then he got oncamera. But between Detroitter's which is one
of my very favorite show. Buthe was only on for a couple of
seasons it was him and Sam Robertson, Robertson and Richardson, sorry, Richardson
and Robinson. And he's shown upa lot in I Think you Should Leave
because they're pals and for whatever reason, I Think you should leave. Is

such a weird show that it's reallystruck a chord with people who are just
into that weird, ridiculous kind of. It's not always funny can it can
be very hot and cold, butthere's enough stuff that makes it good.
There's a weekend sportscaster WGN in Chicago, a guy named Josh Friedman, and

you see this a lot where weatherguys will pepper their reports with pop culture
references. There's a lot of BabaBooi's and things like that. But this
is popular with Sports Center back inthe day too, where that's references when
they're doing sports highlights. That's whereboom Goes. The Dynamite came from.
But this guy pepper his sports castwith I Think you should I'm not gonna

play the whole thing. I grabbedthis this morning, but here's some of
it here preseason football sort of.Once again, it doesn't mean anything to
people who don't know the show,but to us, if you get the
references, it's fun preseason football,sort of like a cosmic gumbo. Some
plays almost moved to the beat ofjazz, others more suitable for corn Cob
TV than NFL films. The Bearsthink this season is going to be a

hit and not a coffin flop.Let's take out the soldier Field or baby
of their bar Harley Jarvis watching JustinI Hope you die Barley Jarvis again.
These are all references that if youdon't know the show, bar Harley Jervis
was like a handsome baby of theYear contest. He was the bad boy
in that year's content, a babycontest, and he had a very flat

back of the head. And uhwatching Justin Fields put on a show against
Tennessee. Who tells the Titans defenseyou're not part of the turboat team.
You don't run with us, zippingaround like a metaloyd maniac fighting for the
zone. He finishes fifty six yardsscore Fields three for three, one hundred
and twenty nine yards, fifty fiveburgers, fifty five prizes as you touchdown,

and two touchdowns by Burger's. It'sthat stat line for justin fields.
He had three completed passes. Ithink he was three for three and one
hundred and twenty nine yards, butthe air yards like for how far he
threw the ball was like two yardsbecause they're both He had two screen passes.
Yeah, they got taken for likefifty yards. Yeah, so it's

very very funny moments for him.You know who I met this morning.
There's that Bernie Kozar. Oh,yeah, Bernie's Bernie's a great guy.
Well, he and I both docommercials for QC Kinetics, and the QC
Kinetics people were in this morning,and so we were going to meet them
or whatever, and I got theword that they were down the hall in

one of the other studios, soI stuck my head in. I didn't
know Bernie was going to be inthere. I didn't know what was happening,
just that I was going to pokemy head and then say hi,
and Bernie goes Alan Cox, hegoes, man, I'm a big fan
of yours. And I'm like,really, he just could not have been
nicer. Oh, I don't knowhow. I've never met Bernie Kozar before

I met him in a dining roomwith doing a show with Polk a few
years ago. He just sat andtalked and just got to know each other
a little bit. Really nice guyand just like really personable guy, very
nice dude. So that was partof my morning. I love Bernie.
We have bureau chieves out on LongIsland. If you listen to the show

on iHeartRadio and you do it fromout of state, tell me where you
are. I'll make sure that youwere back on our bureau chief map here
but way out on Long Island.Do you think Bernie's gonna vote for pound
Cake for best sports Talker? Bernie? If you're listening Cleveland Scene, go
to the website, Bernie. Ifyou are as big a fan of this
show as you told me you werescreen shore on it clevescene dot com,

vote for Cody Brown best sports Talker. We get the impromater of one Bernard
Cozar. Uh, what can bebetter than that? Punk? What did
Bernie Cozar do? What you mean? What did he do? Like?
Who is he? He's a formerfootball player? Right? Yeah? One
position I'm guessing if he has notoriety, I'm uh quarter back? Yeah?

What's the team if you stuck aroundhere? Probably the Browns? And why
you should vote for him. Probablythe Browns knew who you were. He
was probably on the Browns. Ican't imagine. So it was like,
oh, no, I played forthe Seattle the l A Rams and the

Mariners. What's the Seattle football team? Oh? Wait, Russell Russell he's
married to Sierra. That's how youknow Sierra Seattle. You know he's not
with Seattle anymore. Right, Well, that's how I no. He was
on that team though, white whiteHaws. Tell me white Hawks, Seattle

white Hawks. Be you're close?Hawks? Is in the name Seahawks?
Hey, sports top Seahawks. Whatteam is Russell Wilson with? Now helif
I know that's right? It's apick of Halifinos, Yeah and logos wild
part elephant, part of rhino.You nailed it out there on Long Island,

though. We got some bureau chiefslaughing at me. I know the
fact that it's a yeah, butlaughing at you, stupid down a funny
joke. I'm laughing at that.Uh. The Little League Softball World Series
was won by the girls out inmassa Pequa, York, Long Island.

They beat North Carolina five to do, five to two. This was on
ABC Massapequa, Long Island. Thegirls there little League Softball World Series,
North Carolina. They're down to theirfinal out up in the air. Kids
from the Empire State making history forthe very first time New York a little

League sound serious, hippions. Oh, excitement everywhere, excitement. Think about
that. You know, there's alot of famous people that came out of
Massapequa, Long Island. Two cometo mind. There's one Jerome Seinfeld and
one Alec Baldwin. They're both,of course from Massapequa, Long Island.

I had many years ago in anothercity. I had an intern from Massapequa.
And it's out there on Long Island. And congratulations, by the way,
right next to Amityville, massa Peaquaon Long Island, right next to
Amityville. You know what Amityville wasfamous for pound cake. Ryan Reynolds shirtless
in their movie Horse. He remembersthe terrible, terrible Ryan Reynolds remake,

but the original shredding. Oh god, this theme just I would piss myself
when I heard this. As akid, I watched the original Amityville horror
when I was a kid. Iwas probably eight years old or whatever,
and it was on Network television,so they probably chopped a bunch out.
But Holy Christ, between the Exorcistsand the Amityville Horror. And of course
Amityville Horror was adapted from a bookthat everybody swore was true. Right,

And the guy comes out years laterand says it was all made up.
But the hook with the Amityville Horrorwas that it was a true story of
a family who purchased a house outon Amityville, Long Island, and it
was haunted by the ghosts of thiskid who had killed his family. And
this was a story, and theybuilt this There was like a local tourism

thing just built on this Amityville house. Yeah, but nowadays it's be haunted
by the interest rate. Right andBill Squire in Cincinnati next month at the
Go Bananas Comedy Club in Columbus Augustthirty first. But that Amityville Horror theme
with those kids singing. Lalo Schiffrin, who if you know your film composers,

He's the guy that did the originalMission Impossible theme. He did a
bunch he cool and Luke, hedid like a rush Hour. Hey,
he did the rush Hour music filmLove rush Hour. That's a good one.
You could understand the words that werecoming out of his mouth because it
was all music. But yeah,the Amityville Horror. Of course, for

anybody paying attention would have immediately knownthat that was all made up, But
a lot of people bought into it, and so it really made that movie
a big deal. When I wasa kid nine or ten years old,
I just paid my pants watching thatmovie. There's like blood come out of
the walls and it was gooping thetoilet, just like Eric out there in

Summit County, right, they hadto replace the whole commode out of the
out of the family's house. Whatwas a family name in The amivil Horror?
It was the no I remember everybody, the Lutzes l u t Z.
The Lutzes were the family who thede Lao or Dufayo family. Like
what they say when you call somestupid you're a LUTs? Oh you're Putts?

Sure, Putts is fine too.Do you call some more LUTs?
No? I think if you're notthirty rock or if you're not a figure
skater, isn't that a movie atriple lutz? I think? So,
how hundred of a house would youbuy me? Never? Like, it's
just like cabinet slam. Nope,that's all it does. Like I'm not

it. I don't care. Itold you guys, you could not pay
me to live in a murder house. We say murder haunted. How else
is it going to be haunted?A lot of things? Somebody died there.
No, they're trying to They wantto use you as a vessel to
solve their murder. They're actually tryingto hurt. If you believe in a
haunting, it's just a ghost thatcan't move on. There's nothing that's saying

they were murdered. They might havedied in their sleep and they're haunting the
house. This scenario they a ghostrapists. No, you don't have to do
any they're just you don't have todo anything. They're not they're not taking
over your by they're not trying tomake you do any murders. They're hanging
around in my cabinets, moving myforks. They're peckish. I don't like

that. But in the afterlife they'relooking for set. They're feeling little snacky.
Look Lorna Dune. This house haseverything I ever want on my checklist.
Yes, and ghosts and how muchdoes it cost? Five thousand dollars
in your price range, So fivethousand dollars, alan's even overshooting one.

It will throw in a brown loadchest Frazer. But here's the thing.
Then every day you got to dealwith that, not every day, but
whatever they feel like it. Yes, there's uncertain spectral activities. You couldn't
get zero sleep, and then yourperformance at work starts to slip, and
then you lose your job, andthen now you can't pay your bills,
and then you go crazy because you'reat a bottom, and then you end

up feeling yourself. It turns youinto a bottom. Yes, okay,
look into this. I'm halfway there. See no. Conversely, it is
a friendly ghost and helps you withthings. Why does it happen to be
terrible? Why does everybody assume it'sgoing to be banging on cabinets and stuff?

Yeah, some cabinets. I'm notliving in a ghost house. I'm
not living in a murder house.I don't care how cheap it is.
I'm not. My wife's favorite movieis The Shining and so years ago,
when we were visiting some friends inDenver, we spend a night at that
Shining hotel out in in Estes Colorado, right where it was. We stayed
in the haunted room and all thisstuff. What's that we did stay there?

That is a true story. Andso we stayed here and they love
to tell you these stories about thehauntings in the hotel. It's the Stanley
Hotel and we stayed there and whatever. And I was like, Oh,
tell me a story because I'm playingalong. And the guy goes one of
the ghosts is a ghost of oneof the maids. And we had some
guests come back and all of theirclothes were unpacked and put in the closet.

I'm like, that's helpful, that'snot that's you will go. You
should charge more for that. That'snot scary. All of my clothes were
hung up, like you don't knowwho you're dealing with, homie, that's
my dream. Put that in thepackage. There's like the romance package.
There's a ghostly made package package.Nothing highest bag, I mean. And

I just shut up an what Yeah, I hadn't man talking about dad was
right? What if I showed upand pretend to be your dad, you
could be my daddy? Nah,you know what I'm talking about. You're
gonna so ghost Bag is gonna moveinto my dream home, but pretend to
be my father's right, I'm runaround mean Kampoops, that's your best Tony

Santour impression. I'm Tony. What'sup? I don't have any money and
it's all because Kompoops, I'm funnyT shirt. You're nailing it. Okay,
But what about the good stuff?What about the loving stuff? Like
are you good with kids? Yeah? I miss you so much? Yeah

yeah so I and all my grandbaby. He loved his grandbabies. I love
my grandbaby. Could you be aslong as I'm hanging out with nancompoops,
I love my granddadies could you be? Could you be like Joe Vial and
play Santa Claus for the for thechildren? Absolutely give me your best sond
oh oh, come sit on thesea. Yes, I have a shut

up? Shut up? Yeah,I don't have a lap as. I
mean, you'll fall through, butthat's okay. Would you still be able
to do the fatherly things he didfor me, like hold me when I
cry? No, because I'm immaterial, I can't hold you, but I
could. I could give you ahard time for devoting your life to being

a performer. That might make yousee at home right. That would definitely,
yeah, that would strike a nerve. I should hear you do leave
in cariage you think, Kenny,guys, I'm gonna cry. I'm doing
it. Yeah, you're making mefeel right at home? All right?
Could you maybe keep a pancake?You know what this works out with?

Mary? It's cyanur a sucker.Oh no, please don't go. No,
I'm just kidding. I'm say I'llwatch you whack off. It's been
busy lately. I go back andforth. He'll be like that, are
you going to pretend to be mydad while you're watching Cody as well?
No? No, no, Ican't. I haven't learned how to be

in two places at once. Ican't, So I have to be in
the spot, got it? Ican't just know. But it gives me
like a nice little vacation anything,you know. When I get second being
your dad, I go see poumcakewacket. And when I get sick of
that, which I never do,go back. It's good. Let's not

get it anyway. I come backand pretend to be near his dad.
I go way on birth. Where'sall the new kome Booksman? What am
I disability check? I love I'dhave to learn. Okay, what's your

disability as a ghost. I'm toohonest, that's what it is. That
does sound like your dad too.Yeah, that was That was one of
his big quotes, was I'm notI'm not not racist. What was the
other word that I'm not No,no, no, no, no,
the other I'm not saying on thebig bone, my god, the other

word for like profiling people, prejudice. I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone
equally. That's what my dad wouldsay. Yeah, but he didn't hate
it correct. Okay, all right, people that I'm with him on that,
I like Jemmy's my pancake y cacan you be home to know that

I am after the show? Likeit's thirty when are you kinda well when
you Oh, No'm gonna eat alittle something and then yeah, maybe like
nine o'clock in my bed, I'mlocome. I'm gonna hide behind that chair

and cushion marchand come see yeah,come see. Dumb in the world just
seems too crazy. Gaze into theeyes of a child, because you'll probably
find a booger and man, isthat a hoof? Allen Cock show on
one hundred point seven double mms.Anytime you recommend a movie, I almost

always hate it. So now Ifeel like that's anything any of us recommend.
No, just when Alan recommends horrormovies. What else have you accept
that dumb magician thing. No,I did recommend that, and that Jim
no. No. I told youabout a horror movie that was admittedly really
stupid. I wanted you to watchit, the one where the Solomon Yeah

song as Solomon what is he?A possessed priest has sex with the devil
for four minutes and it's it's likethe longest sex scene in all the screetic
hiss You can't rush sex with thedevil. I was like, I heard
it from the back room and Icame out and Brian was losing his mind.
He was laughing so hard. AndI was like staring at the screen

and I'm like, what are youwatching? And Brian's like literally can barely
breathe, He's laughing so hard.He's like, I think that guy's having
sex with the devil. He's goingon And I was like, what is
this devil? What's your problem?Man? All I'm saying is do you
need a four minute sex scene?I need a fourteen minute sex scene.

Man, Well, you think I'mjust gonna pop off right away? What
if I having sex with a priest? No, come on, man,
listen. If I'm not saying anythingto your stamina, I'm saying that that's
a very long and uncomfortable scene fora viewer. Well, I like it
long and uncomfortable. But I'm outhere having sex, man, and somebody's
in a film that's that's on thatand not on me. That documentary by

the way. Oh really? Ohyeah, you entice that man in with
what you called your flower. Youknow how I take two entice people with
my flower, my devil flower.That's right. So did up all in
this? Yeah? Well I getoff my back. Man. Listen,
man, I just thought it wasa little excessive. Well that's my thing.

Excess. Nothing exceeds like excess,right, debauchery, excess. Apparently
a four minutes sex scene is toomuch for you. Poor what's your boyfriend's
name, Brian, Poor Bryant,Oh my god, four minutes is too
long for this trip? Bill?Is it? Bill? Hell? What's
going on over here? A longtime? I think it's a long time.

Four minutes is too long to watch? A priest. I think,
wait till your guys get down herebecause four minutes is just the pre album.
Oh no, ty has no meaningthough here, so you won't know
how that works, right, Okay, I gotta go h I gotta go
back. I'm done. Sorry,too long, five and a half eternities,

I who knows? Well, it'sall right, listen, all right,
Well, then don't take my recommendationon. Uh, I haven't seen
Hellhole. I'm saying I can't waitto see Hellhole. I have seen Evil
Dead Rise. I watch it onGoku, and uh, it was okay.
I think that I thought that itwas going to because that reboot when

they you know, and that wasthe first one in a long long time
when they rebooted it. So itwas and they were rebooting the original story
and the cast was good and itwas super super bloody. Where'd you watch
hell or? What is it onshutter? Hellhole is on Netflix. I
haven't seen it yet though it's polishsubtitled It's freaking people out now. I
did watch, well, I amwatching. I haven't finished it yet,

so it might end up sucking onShutter called from Black. He just was
about to start that last, themom who goes crazy after her son gets
killed or something like that, orher son gets uh, her is abducted,
yeah, kidnapped that one and aguy comes to her and says,

there's a way you can get himback. Yeah, and it involves this
ritual that he supposedly has done sofar. I dig it. That's on
Shutter. He was between that andsome other movie, and he picked the
other one. Uh, slic Uslipper Slasher Slasher? Is that a new
one? That's a series that's ashutter. He ended up doing it,
I think because they were shorter.It's like third season of Slash. Yeah,

he watched one of those instead ofthat Black movie. Yeah, because
he made me watch the trailers forboth of them, and that from Black.
I was like, this looks likethe saddest movie of all time.
This poor deranged mother whose child wasstolen just wants to see him again,
and the demons can't even let herhave that. Why would anybody want to
watch such sad Saturday? It's atreatise on grief, Mary, It's terrible.

That's fundamental to a good horror movie, grief sadness. This is like
horror movies a happy horror movie.He's not a single one has a good
ending. That's stupid. Smile Ithought had a good ending. Smile then
sucked. For as popular as thatmovie was, Smile sucks. That's okay,
I liked it. See, that'swhat I'm saying. We're on opposite
ends of movie taste. Me andyou. That was an amazing premise.

Here's the problem, too, isthere's a lot of these movies that are
fleshed out of short films. Youknow, they'll take something as a short
film that is awesome in eleven minutesbecause there ain't that much to do.
You could do all three acts ineleven minutes, and they go, we
should make this into a feature,throw a bunch of money at it.
Because the premise is great. Theygo, let's just fill out some stuff
and beginning, middle, and end. Smile should have been awesome. And

I'm probably the minority on that becausepeople loved Smile. I thought it was
all right. I mean, Iagain, that's not my type. I
don't. I'm not a big fanof horror movies, although I've seen two
hundred of them. It's also realhard to do a satisfying ending to a
horror movie. That's what Brian saidtoo, He's hard to wrap one up
when you see an amazing ending.A whole Blair Witch Project is an amazing

ending to a horror film. Thatoriginal Blair Wo I've never seen that.
Goonies I feel like an amazing endingto a horror film. I feel like
horror movies and comedies are the onesthat are the hardest to have a good
ending, because with comedies, whatusually happens is the first two acts are
funny, and then the third actis all like resolution and stuff like that.

So it's like it's just like becomessomething else. A lot of times.
Yeah, it's hard to wrap astory up. It's hard to wrap
any story up because you figure thefirst part is setting up the premise and
then the middle is carrying it throughsomewhat to its completion. In the end,
they got to wrap everything up,and that's hard to do. It's
not easy. I'm gonna give yousome money here. It's one thousand dollars.

It's a chance for you to pulllocation in your pocket courtesy of the
Buzzard Bookie last week to do it. So make sure you're at your ears
peeled for all of these this week. Good look oop, hold on.
This is your chance, though,bat with a buzzard bookie. I'll win
one thousand dollars. Interduce nation ykeyword at doublemms dot com. Cash that's

cash. Hitter it now at doublemmsdot com. I'm curious how they arrive
at their lists over at Cleveland Scenemagazine, but I always like when they
do them. Cleveland Scene dropped thelist this morning called Unpopular Cleveland Opinions.
I don't know if they crowdsource someof the editors or the writers or whatever

they do. It's not like theytook some wide ranging survey and ask people,
but some of them are funny tome. MMS gets name dropped in
this list. Did you see thislist? Yeah? I saw right now.
Christmas ale isn't good. In fact, they put this in here twice,
and I doubt they meant to dothat, but well, again,

a list like this reminds me ofwhat people accuse me of not being a
native, where I come in andstart pissing on everything everybody loves because A
I'm just a contrarian and B it'snot as awesome as everybody thinks it is.
Christmas Ale is very very popular,but this is a list of unpopular

Cleveland opinions. Christmas Ale isn't good. Pogis are Blando pockets. I mean,
listen, but the whole they don'thave to be Blando pockets. If
you're putting plane mashed potatoes inside ofa noodle, then yeah. But they're
like the later at the Westside Marketright with all kinds of craps. But
the point is is that you haveto judge them up so much that at

some point they become very little perogiand more every other thing spaghetti is branded
anything on it, like I'm sorry, Bill, I ate my spaghetti plane
and uncooked, thank you very much. Yes, traffic at Blossom isn't that
bad. I fundamentally reject that.I don't know who that is. It
depends on who you're seeing. Likeif you go see like when I go

see the Cleveland Orchestra, I'm inand out. There's no problem because I'm
faster than every old person that's there. But when you go to you know,
when we saw Ozzie that was insane, and I saw Incubus there we
were there. You see any soldout show, every country show I've been
to. It takes four hours toget Even when I saw Tamatious DA,
they didn't even do a op like, they didn't have the lawn open,

and it still was a lot oftraffic kayaking down the Cuyahoga. Is not
a particularly pretty experience. Actually,an industrial wasteland sign that one yeah,
Bill fell in and I stopped working. Nables isn't the best barbecue in Cleveland.
I know, I've said it was. I've never heard one person's say
that MGK is the best missible actto come out of Cleveland. Really,

this is a list of unpopular Clevelandopinions on Cleveland Scene, name someone better.
Stadium Mustard is overrated. That's onehundred percent true. Where we check
in is it says WMMS is justas good now as it was in the
seventies and eighties. That's the unpopularopinion. It is you guys, you

know, like, Okay, wellI wasn't here then, so I get
it. Like, I agree,I knew about WMMS before I came here.
I mean, it's legendary, andthe legend comes from those old timers
you know, who were making thingshappen back in the seventies and the eighties,
and but that is an unpopular opinion. Yes, but there's some interesting

ones on this list. Tito Franconahas had a Hall of Fame career,
but it's time to move on.M I'm not sure how they arrived at
that. I'm not with that one. Cleveland is not a walkable city.
I don't think anybody people are annoying. Well, these are unpopular entire opinions.

I got one. What I don'tget why people make fun of Parma,
Like why Like I don't because it'sthe seventh largest city in the state.
People live there rare bigger numbers.I have trash and I'm in a
village. For listen, I'm thefirst to tell you there's sobillies everywhere.

Okay, my kind we spread fora couple of years. It was very
regular place to live. I thinkit's just, you know it, it
became a stereotype to make fun ofit, and it just stuck. But
I don't think it's I have noproblem with it. Unpopular Cleveland opinion.

I don't know. My girlfriend's was. She thinks the Cleveland signs are stupid.
I'm entirely indifferent, Like she justthinks it's done, Like if you're
from Cleveland to take a picture infront of them, She's like, I
get it if you're a tourist,but if you're from Cleveland, like what
are you doing? Yeah? Butpeople from Cleveland love stuff about Cleveland.
I mean the T shirts and everythingbecause we're insecure. The Cleveland food pales

in comparison to Detroit, Cincinnati,and Pittsburgh. Is one of the unpopular
opinions. Eat a Butt says,I hadn't changed true words in that sentence
to what I wanted to say.People came all over me. I got
it. Anyway, whoever did thatlast? Thanks for the name drop there.

Here's another unpopular opinion. Uh,Cleveland's sports fans not the best.
They're terrible people. They're pretty meanpeople. We're not great. But I'm
talking about being like a fan inthe stadium, Like I feel like I
fan saying the same thing. We'remean to the other teams. That's a

thing. No, it isn't.You don't need to be rude to people,
not always. You don't have tobe rude to people. Oh,
Philly, Cleveland fans will seem likeit's it's a utopia. I'm talking about
staying in the game like like,oh, they're not invested, they're not
drunk and I but I think that'sthe thing is when you you know,

I feel like I've been at Cavsgames with the hardcore fans when they were
a bad team that were just asloud, if not louder, than when
we're they are playing the Warriors inthe finals. Here's my unpopular opinion.
It's okay to be a fair weatherfan. Well, that's not Is that
avelanding or yes, general Cleveland's wellin that Cleveland is no different than any

other city that screams and winds aboutfair weather fans. It's okay to be
a fair weather fan. I wasa fair weather. Well, I wasn't
fair with it. I was abandwagon. Is that You're not who I'm
talking about? Okay? Oh mygod. By the way, I have
to tell you this. So Brianwas being very sweet and he was like,
uh, because last year I wasupset he didn't get me anything for

Mother's Day. Right, So thisyear he was like, I want to
do something for you and Blake.Oh wait, listen, he was like,
I want to do something for youand Blake. So you guys can
spend some time together, So that'sgreat. What are you thinking? He
goes, well, I know youguys both like being pampered, So what
if we got like you went andgot your nails done And I was like,
oh, my nail place is anuh open on Sundays. And he
goes, well, what if youtwo went and got like a couple's massage

And he's like, not like acouple romantic thing. I said, Brian,
what establishment do you think is massagingseven year old and they're all romantic
massages? He was like, whatdo you mean if I like sign for
her to be able to go there? I said, no adult human is
going to willingly massage a seven yearold body. You have to be eighteen
years old probably, if not officiallythen unofficially idea. He was like embarrassing,

He was like caught off guard.He was like, I don't know,
I'm just trying, and I'm like, I appreciate the sentiment, but
please do not send me into amassage part with your daughter. This is
my this is my seven year oldbonus child. Like they will arrest me
immediately. And he's tried to sendme in with a child to have an

adult person massage that we're coming infor a couple's massage. Is this your
daughter? My boyfriend's daughter? Yeah, I described it to I was like,
legally, she's not mine. Ican't technically probably shouldn't even have her.
You know. Well, And thereason we're here is last year I
cried on Mother's Day and so theywanted to do special and this is how
he thought we could bond. Iwas laughing. I forgot about the Yes,

I forgot. You got flipped outover Mother's list. You were perturbed.
I cried over mother not even recognizedon Mother's Day because my feelings were
hurt because if I recall correctly,and I think I do. Your thought
was, I'm doing all of themotherly things. Why am I not being
feted for that? Correct? Right, I'm taking on a motherly role.

Why am I not being recognized forsuch? Uh whatever? Right? But
he was he was laughing that becauseI asked him, I said, have
you ever had to get anyone anythingfrom Mother's Day other than your own mom?
And he was like no, becausehim and his ex wife divorced right
after the kid was born, sohe didn't have to do anything for her
for Mother's Day and was born.I think they actually might have separated while

she was pregnant. Wow, that'sa baller move, dude. They from
the way he describes a timeline,I don't even want you in the room
when I squeezed this cabbage out.Yeah. Yeah, from the day that
they met, dated, moved in, pregnant, married, divorce less than
two years. God, you gottalove Buria. Yeah. Well no,

no, they're from Chesterland. They'refrom god you oh even Chesterlin. Yeah,
you're on the sticks. You're like, no, it's as good as
it's gonna get. Right. SoI asked him. I was like,
have you ever and he's like no, because go Kelly and I were divorced
and then my ex girlfriend, hesaid she never wanted kids. They dated
anyway, He got her flowers.There was somebody between you and the acx
Wyes, there was a he datedsomeone in between us, and he said

the kind of a similar situation.They weren't living together yet, but she
was, you know, heavily involvedin Blake's life, and he got her
flowers on mother Day and she freakedout and was like absolutely not. I've
told you I don't want to bea mom, Uh, this is ridiculous.
I'm not her mother. I can'tbelieve you would do this, Like,
she was really really mad at howdid he misread that? I don't
know. He said he was justtrying to do something nice and she lost

her mind. I said how,I said, how was that not a
hey, we should probably break upmoment? You know, it's also but
it's also not nice if you knowthis person adamantly doesn't want to be a
parent. But that was my wholequestion to him, was like, if
she's going to act that way,why would you even have her in your
life knowing your kid's not going togo anywhere? You get what I'm saying.

Yeah, but he didn't He probablydidn't want to have a kid with
her, Yes, but if she'sthat adamant against don't even recognize me as
a mother figure? Yes, Sowhat how are you going to live your
life with someone like that? Youhave a kid, they're going to have
life. He was dating her life. Just because he married the first person
he banged in Chesterland doesn't mean thatyou're gonna like, well, you know
what I mean, It's like whateverfirst person he knocked up. Yeah,

sure, but not every person notevery person you date is a potential spouse.
Okay, well, then that's wherewe differ. I would assume if
you have a kid, you're probablydating someone more seriously than not, if
you're introducing them to your kid tothe point we're going to recognize them on
Mother's Day if they're involved enough inyour child's life, and you're like,

hey, this is going to bea serious thing, right, I guess.
I mean the person I dated betweenmy ex wife and Gwen, she
didn't mean seven kids. We datelike four years. Like, did you
introduce her to your kids? No, that's my point. He did.
This woman was in his daughter's life, but she don't want me. Yeah,

and I'm saying that was a redflag. They didn't even break up
on Mother's Day. They dated afterthat. I was like that that should
have been like a hey, he'svery clearly don't want to be in this.
You know, if I could tryto read his mind, see he's
smart. What he wanted to dois date her another full year, so
the next Mother's Day he could donothing for her and she'd be really happy,
right, say, Well, that'swhy I'm not a baby's zilch.

That's why he was all messed up. He goes, you know my ex.
I got screamed at for recognizing her, and then two years later you're
crying because I didn't recognize you.Now I'm trying to schedule a massage for
my underage child. He's like,I can't win. You're twisting his mind
into a pretzel's can't do anything great. I got this blister on my hand.
I don't know what the hell's goingon. Just let me guard it,

leave me alone, find me asidethis his bedroom and yep, I
live left love pillow. I'll beout waiting if you need me. Yeah,
but I left. So I waslike, I had tears. What
a roller coaster? Yeah? Don'tyou don't want to do that? I
said, Brian, you cannot takea seven year old to a massage parlor.
Well, I'll tell you what though, And I don't know the legalities

of it, but that clearly isan opportunity for some entrepreneurial type here in
Northeast. You can't how do youmarket that because it's just no little massagers
or or is it other children?I mean they have to be yes,
they have to be licensed. Youcannot you cannot market a business, or

adults massage children? I can't whatabout little people? What about dwarves?
What about people who are the sizeof children but legally adults? It's kind
of about socks, kind of allright, never stopped before good touch child,
massage hands children, it's got blocksthe sign right, oh God?

Or like it's just massage envy,but envy spelled in like the kid font.
Yeah, yeah, a little massage. It's just too bad Allan Cox
show something like this comes along.It's never too late to ruin your day
totally. Rely, As I alwaysforget how old Sammy Hagar is. I

always associate him with younger artists.He still looks pretty good. He is
seventy three today. Yeah, he'sgot of like a good ten years on
almost Hale. Yeah, Eddie vanHalen Alex. Yeah it was Eddie's older
brother, so he's in between.But yeah, he just died. He
was sixty five. Sammy's seventy threetoday. I also didn't realize how many

solo albums he had before van Halen. I thought that he had a few,
like he came out of Montrose.For those of you who go way
back to rock, candy and badmotor scooter. But Sammy started putting out
solo albums in like seventy six,So it's got to be weird to have
a birthday right after a buddy ofyears dies. That would be strange.

I mean extenuating circumstances with Eddie.It's not like he just fell asleep in
his bed. And Sammy is justone of these guys who's never listen.
He was supposed to come to doa show at the rock Holl this summer.
He was out in front, going, man, we can figure this
out. He was supposed to dosome benefits. It's sick. It's not
my fault, right, Well,he didn't go that far, but he

was kind of like, there's away to do this, and I want
to be the guy to do it. And so they were going to try
to figure out. Over at therock Holl, he was going to do
some outdoor charity show and they endedup canceling it. But Samy's been out
there in front going hey, man. Because the guy's got like four friggin
bands, and so anytime this guywants to go out and on the road,

he can play his own stuff,play Van Halen stuff. But I
didn't even know it was Sammy's birthdayuntil a couple of people texted me.
And I didn't know that he wasthat old, seventy three years old,
because he's kind of still got thethen had the long, long hair anymore.
But I mean he's got a lotof it. Good for him.

It's what we all aspire to.If you're a guy of a certain ilk,
you want to think that when you'reseventy three, a full head of
hair, That's what I'm going for. What would you rather have his money
or his hair? His hair atthat age? Yeah, you're that age,
And I mean he's got a lotof money. Eh, what's money?

He always making more money, can'tmake more hair. You cod buy
hair with money, but it lookslike looks like purchased hair. Yeah,
they've got If you've got that kindof money, you can get some pretty
good hair. There's some good hairout there now. I don't know why
lebron hasn't invested in it yet,but there's some people out there. I
mean, Jeremy Piven, he looksgood and that it was bald, right,

But Jeremy Piven also swears on hismother's eyes that he doesn't have plugs,
So you don't want to go thatway either. I'm like, dude,
we've got photos of you. Youplayed you were going to play the
fictional version of version of George Costanzaon Seinfeld. We've got the photos.
But even if that, you're justbald. But you have what's Sammy Hagar's

worth like one hundred mil, twohundred mili. Because he don't know he's
got there a lot. He soldthe Cabo tequila. Yeah, I mean
he's got a lot of money.He'll say two mil, two hundred mil.
He's worth at least two hundred he'sworth two million dollars. I'll say
yeah, But we'll say, wellfor this conversation, say you're worth two
hundred million and you're bald, oryou have the money that you have now

and all the hair and all thehair, or you have two mills and
you have to operate, and where'sall my grist? Sammy's networth is one
hundred and fifty million dollars. Thereyou go one hundred and fifty million dollars
for hair. The guy who saidhe had HJ is what's his name with

the with the disease, Yeah,Harvey Weintenstein. You said you would do
that for twenty million, and you'reready to trade a hair. I'm not
trading one hundred and fifty million.It's not my money. You can't have
them both. Oh I thought Ihad to murder Sammy Hagar for his money.
I don't have to stab him repeatedlyabout ten neecond chest. You'll have
one hundred and fifty million dollars orhair or hair one hundred and fifty million

and completely bald or should it besinning? I gotta tell you, I
mean, obviously I can't. Icannot fathom being bald or having that much
money. So to me, theyalmost it sounds ridiculous to even give this
a second thought because most people aregoing alan you moron, You're lying.
Of course you would take the money. I'm simply saying that both of them

exist in such a weird state forme. All right, now imagine,
because what good is I mean,listen, you can buy hair, fine,
but but but if I'm in thissituation, you don't even get to
buy hair. You just have tobe bald. No, like Daddy Warbucks
is what you're talking. Well,you'll have the male pattern baldness. No,
Now you can look the exact wayyou look right now, because you're

wearing a hat built and have onehundred and fifty million. Do you hear
the man years ago, mow money, mow problems. I don't want MO
problems because I have enough problems now. I don't need MO. But they're
what's money problems? I mean,I have a pretty good life. What
am I gonna do with one hundredand fifty million dollars? Whatever you want?

Sam Agar is sitting at home.He still wants to go out and
play music because he has a passion, but he has enough money to do
whatever he wants. And you canstill have that passion and you can still
do all that stuff. You canlive where you're right now, right,
Well, of course you will.You're a woman. You don't You don't
even have to contend with baldness.No, well, some women do.
Guys in my family, you know, jinks, But guys in my family

haven't had to contend with that.Baldness is not a thing in my family.
With my luck, i'd be thefirst. What do I know,
right, I'm forty nine. Mydad is seventy five, and he's got
a little thin bit on the verytop that you can't even see unless you
were doing an aerial view of them. Right, So that is a legitimate

question for me to ponder. WhatI want one hundred and fifty million dollars
or my hair? Your vanity stretchesone hundred and fifty million dollars. My
hair is all I have? Notif you have one hundred and fifty million
dollars, I don't want generational wealth? Yeah, okay, No one just
has one hundred and fifty million dollarsin their bank account. But like their
net worth is one hundred Is thatlike I might? Okay, let's say

he has Let's say he has fortymillion in the bank. That's a lot
of money. But you also gethis I'm not nitpicking on it. His
bed assets you get daf is worthhalf fat? Hey, I get his
what all his assets? His coffeetable is bed, his curtains. Do
I get a Do I get?Will I get two bottles of Cabo Waba

tequila? Just too though they're big, but just too? Okay? Will
I get a lot? Here's thetiebreaker? Will I get a lifetime gift
card to the Cabo Wabo canteena atHopkins International Airport? Oh no, because
that I mean eaten two meals therecost of almost one hundred and fifty million
dollars. So I've never eaten theirprices. Every thing of the airport's expensive

burrito it's fifteen dollars. Hmmm.Listen. Of course i'd have to take
the money, but I wouldn't behappy about it. See, Bill got
me a generational wealth. It's notjust about a bunch of kids. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, oh yes,Okay, fine, I'd be bald,
but i'd have to do a goatee. You're kidding, there's stupid bald
rich. Yeah, they'd be reallyembarrassed. They were driving beamers to school.

They don't really embarrassed. So youcan't pay for plugs like you have
to be. I was like,because there's two pays, Like, there's
your hats if you want, butyou don't be a hat guy, A
bald hat guy. You're gonna hatfish somebody. Hey Nick, Hello,

Hey, how's it going a Howare you? Nick? I am doing
good? How are you guys?Yeah? So I was wondering. You
know, I'm a truck driver myself. You guys have your bureau cheet.
Uh, how come we don't haveany like traveling? We do? Oh
you do? Sure? Alright,say I promote you guys. I believe

I've gotten a few guys to listento you. You know, but yeah,
you know, well I appreciate that. Oh yeah, just the bureau
chief is where I put the pointof bureau chiefs. I can put a
pin on a map. Somebody's onthe road. Yeah, I'm located out
of Cleveland, but I'm never inCleveland. Right. Well, may you

will have to come up with anew term for the travelers, right like
Irish gypsies. Yeah, the Alancoxigypsy Irish gypsies. There you go.
Where are you now? Nick?Gypsies? I am actually about to be
passing Columbus. I'm coming back fromAtlanta. Okay, Yeah it was hot

down there. It was hot.Sure, all right, Well I'll mark
you down as a as a asa road dog. Nick appreciate it.
Also, Americ congratulations. Sobriety,thank you. Yeah, you're welcome.
I got about Yeah, I wason. I was on my hair on.

I was gonna drunk, but shewas on that hair on. Were
you a fun heroin addict? Ithink pound Cake's trying to ask can be
fun? I guess, oh no, you wake him up first. Well
congratslate, okay, thank you Nick. Four years of prison, four years
of prison. Wow, man cameright out. Got that CDL in a
row. Yeah, yes, oneright after the other. I mean,

I hear about these guys who getto pick when they go to prison for
their du I want to do everyevery other Sunday. I thought maybe they'd
give that to you for the heroin. Unfortunately, how long have you been
out? I got out in sixteen. Oh you just got out all right?

Yeah, well congratulations keeping between theditches, Nick, did you get
sober in prison? Yeah? Rapedis the way you're looking for three years
before. That's that's tough to dobecause I know a lot of people that
end up going to prison and theiraddiction gets worse. He's been sober for
seven years, it's only been outfor four. Yeah, it's it's not

a it's not a very good environmentin there. I mean there's honestly,
there's more drugs in prison. Ofcourse, it would be really easy to
relapse in there. Yeah yeah,yeah. I just want to give you
credit for that because I know peoplethat have, Like they went in there
with one addiction and then they youknow, it goes from heroin to met
because that was what was available.And then you know they get out and

they're just a mess. I knewone guy who went in for heroin Bill
and he got hooked on Commissary Rahmen. Oh this poor guy, My goodness.
Oh he just could not kick assoon as he came out. Oh,
shrimp beef, all of it.I have a question for you.
Thought it up? Yeah, noodles. Do they still call it oriental flavor?

I think they do, yes,but it's an oral brands. I
don't even think they know about ityet. Okay, thank you, Nick.
It's my favorite. All right.There's Nick the trucker who's on his
way back from Atlanta and he isa boy. That was a story.
There was a lot going in tothat story, right, Alan. Jene
Simmons is filthy rich and look atthe dead muskrat on the top of his

head. Yeah, Gene Simmons isdoing this thing where he just has he
just has like a welcome matt onhis head that's dyed jet black. And
you're like, dude, you coulddo just take a photo of yourself from
nineteen eighty seven and say make meone of these, like I always think
of, the one that immediately comesto mind, at least in rock and

roll is the late Kevin Dubrow,who I've talked about him before. He
was a front man for Quiet Riot, and when that band broke huge,
this guy had the worst thinning,curly frow you'd ever seen on a guy,
and somebody was like, bro,you gotta get it together if we're
going to be like this platinum,you know. But then he went for
the Louis fourteenth, you know,like the fake that Stearn had on private

parts. Yeah, you know,like the he went from this thinning whatever
to this long, flowing No.I don't think he was thought he was
fooling anybody. I'm sure he was. Maybe he had a chuckle over it
himself. But it looked really weird, but in a weird way. Looked
a hell of a lot better too. Now. And if there was one
hundred percent save vaccine, the onlyside effect was that you go bald.

Would you take it? No,of course you'd risk it. Yeah.
Also about the prison thing, wouldyou rather like have your sentence spaced out
every weekend for like ten years orget it done in like three years?
But you got to stay there.Yeah, spy space it out. You
would space it out. You wereevery week. There might be a prison

riot. Place might burn down inthe meantime, But just do that a
service. You'll just serve somewhere else. And it's still like ah, And
as I understand the criminal justice system, I'm pretty sure that if your prison
burns down, you don't have togo anywhere else. Everyone oops, Sorry,
you want to give up whoever weekendfor a decade, Why would I
want to be in I could getkilled in three years three years, you

go do it for me. I'mnot doing I didn't do the crime.
This is so you would do thethree years in a row. Rather than
being able to have a life youget you get five days of having a
life and then two days in prison. But two days, that's only one
hundred days. You gotta do threeyears, one thousand days. Well,
he probably did not do the mathon it. I didn't do that.

I didn't do that matter reason tenyears, every weekend for ten years,
every weekend for ten years. Yeah, but you're appealing the whole time too.
Anywhere in there they could go No, no, no, no,
there's not any of that it's eitherall right, lawyers aren't real that.
They're just like the weekend you dothree years straight or every weekend for ten
years. Ye oh my god,that's awful. Just do three years.

I would just get it over with. You still have your felony, no
matter what. Like you have yourfelony. You're just spacing it out.
I feel like I would just wantto get it over with, you know
what, to move on with mylife. Five days a week where you're
not in there is a big thing. Though. You can't go into a
routine though. We're like, allright, Friday Saturday and go to prison.
It's like something you do, likegoing to work. Right, you

get out of so many dumb birthdayparties and stuff like that bridle shower.
Oh my god, that would beamazing. Why can't you make it prison
prison? Yeah? I have todo forty eight hours of prison in the
mail. It's like October twenty seventh, we're getting married, Like, oh
I'm incarcerated that Oh my god.Sorry. I would have ordered the fish,

but I'm a new fish. OnSaturdays and Sundays just cam out in
Lorraine. Now here's the difference,though, would the other people treat you
worse because they know that you getto be free five. Yeah, so
is it getting shanked, That's whatI'm saying. I don't know. Well,
no, you might be in asituation where everybody in there is doing
the weekend run. Everybody just thisis my everybody, stay out of my

cell. You know I'm here.You know, Sundays the weekend, I'm
going to OL thirteen. That's mine. And you come back and there's a
huge turret on your bed waiting foryou when you get there. Listen,
if there's a turd on my pillow, if that's the worst that happens,
I'll be a happy camper. Youdo a whole piece. I didn't even
know until I talk to one ofour listeners at a bar crawl that doing

your duy on the weekend was evenI'm that is some white people stuff right
there. Yeah, I never evenheard of that. They was before And
he's like, yeah, next nextfew months, every weekend I got to
go in for my d y.I'm like, you get to pick when
you what. It depends on yoursituation. Because like mom, I had
a friend who had kids and shewas like the soul cussy, the dad

wasn't in the picture, so she'slike, I have no one else to
help me, So they kind ofare flexible with that. But then I
also had a buddy who had wasa single dude with no kids who got
his third duy, and they're like, you have forty eight hours to get
your stuff in order and you're goingaway for three weeks. So I think,
depending on the person's situation is whenthey're a little bit more flexible.
Right, Usually a three year sentencethey're not letting you do, right.

But in this scenario, you know, ten years is a long time to
give up all your weekends, butthree years a long time to give up
your entire life. Alan, ifyou have a fellon that puts you behind
bars for three years, you're notgoing to be done with parole probation for
a lot longer. So weekends,for sure, Yeah, you could die,
just do it. But here's thething, though, you are giving

up your weekends for ten years,you're sixty. When you get your weekends
back, yeah, well when I'msixty, what the hell am I going
to be doing anyway? I's whatI'm saying, is your the last of
your weekends all in the case oflife replicating our davidly Roth currently has nobody
and is sad and lonely. Sadand lonely. Oh, I hate to

hear that. I hope DLR is. I hope he's doing okay, I
hope David Lee Roth is having somefun somewhere. Doing weekends is less time,
No, it's still the same time. Differently, Yeah, Oriental ramen
is now called soy sauce flavor.Okay, right, salt, there you

go, but they salt, butthey do hit a gong when you buy
it, so they really want tounderscore what's going on there. Okay,
So one hundred and fifty million dollarsand I'm bald or I have my hair,
and no, one hundred and fiftymillion dollars live exactly the same,
like exactly how you are right now, or bald and rich or richer.

Okay, those are your options becausethey have a bad leve. He's already
a millionaire. That's what I'm saying. This isn't easier. This is it's
not from a great light. Idon't have one hundred and fifty million dollars.
I mean that's a lot of money. By one hundred more, that's
a lot of money by just aboutanyone's estimation. Boy, I really don't

want to be bald for the amountof trap that you gave me and Cody
for saying we would not touch HarveyWeinstein for twenty million dollars. I cannot
believe that you're even thinking about it. Harvey Weinstein's penis is not the same
as my hair so much it isliterally not the same as my hair.

But that's what's making me laugh onthe inside is that you, I understand,
would rather that mess in your body. Oh, in your body.
I'm very hypocritical. I don't knowif you're just learning this about me.
I'm very hypocritical, vein, Iam publicly vain, that's right. But
about my hair, because from theforehead down is nothing. So yeah,

could I cut my hair off andput it on my bald I couldn't do
that. Well, yes, butNora gets to put it on with a
glue stick, and then, howeverit stays, you don't ever get to
reapply ever ever. Okay, clickAlex Caruso on the Lakers. Every weekend
for ten years is fifty five dayslesson. I don't lose my job.

Somebody says well, I was justwe were just ballparking it. How was
it less time? I didn't dothe exact math? Well, fifty five
days less that? I mean whatI'm just saying, if you have to
do a certain number of days,then they spread them out, right,
That's what I'm saying. I wasI just ballparked ten years. If it
was ends up being a less somepeople doing the real math, I'm sorry
ten years and fifty five days,Alan, My dad did weekends for a

massive amount of pot. See forpot. You should get to pick your
time, right to make the mostcrime non violent? Non violent? Alan,
you toddler was most likely preferred ifyou were there five days a week.
While she turns into a real person, she's already a real person,
right, three years, three yearsversus a decade, Right, But three

years is a long time to begone, and I year is a long
time to be gone from a childthat's from any almost five to eight.
That's a lot to miss. Thoseare like the formative years. You don't
want to miss all that you're gonnamiss. And on weekends, I don't
have to worry about me like youknow, because I wouldn't want my kid
coming to patch. But I wouldn'twant my kid coming to see me.
If I was doing a three yearstretch to the weekends. You can just

go all right, I'm going tobe gone for two days Monday. See
how Monday? Do you want tosee you commuted? Do that anyway?
That's their life style anywhere going ontour life. You mean to tell me
you were on the road all thattime, Well, now I was in
prison, honey, for a massiveamount of pot, taking a lot of
pot. You can make her akeychain from a different state and say you
were traveling there. Get it.That's your weekend project. A trucker,

right, yeah, Bring dead entertainmentthroughout history, the Cup and Ball,
the Yo Yo Bomb, Lee AllenCox Show one, seven w MMS.
This is what I was worried aboutwith my friend who died last week.
When we went to the visitation onThursday, I was really really nervous and

upset because I assumed that it wouldbe an open casket and it wasn't.
And then I was you know,when you go to a visitation, there's
like, you know, easel standswith photos. They had a television with
kind of a video that someone hadmade and you know, obviously a big

long line to say hi to,like family and friends and things like that.
So I was really worried because asI was walking in, I saw
a bunch of in the main halland this funeral homeboy, they were chugging
on all cylinders. Because we walkedin, we had to give them the
name, and they go second dooron the right. So every one of
these side rooms had a different funeralin it. So we walked down and
before I even go in, andI'm trying to keep it together, and

so before we go in, Irun into some people from my station in
Chicago that I used to work with. Maybe you should have ran through some
of the other funerals first, justto kind of warm out, get in
funeral mode. I should have donethat, right, you know, stood
in line, Hey, how's itgoing? So sorry, yeah, and
then gone into that one. ButI was worried that it was going to
be an open casket, and thenI went in there and then I was
Then when it wasn't, then Ifelt kind of ambivalent about that because I

really would have liked to have seenhim one last time, but they were
probably smart to have it closed.And it's not like he was in a
car wreck or anything like that.But yeah, that's surprising to me.
Usually unless you are in a carWRECKT mean, it's an open casket.
But here's why I think that thatthe family probably didn't want everyone's last image
to be of him, because younever look quite the same, quite real,

Because even if you're not in anaccident, you're still dead, and
they do the makeup, you neverlook I will never get the makeup quite
right, never quite right. Youlook like a dead person. You look
like pee wee herman or you know, because I will never So in retrospect,
I'm like, that was probably areal good move because I was I
was already beside myself, so I'mlike, if I looked, and because

I'll never forget my friend who died, I mean I was twenty five,
so fifteen years ago, longer almosttwenty years ago. He died in Californi
And we had the funeral at homein Chicago, and he had been in
a car wreck. I know,I've told the story before, and they
had to reconstruct him. And itwas an open casket. That's one that

should have been closed his mom forwhatever reason. Because there's the photo next
to the casket of them, andthen you look in the cask you're like,
oh, man, Like it justlooked like a paper mache. So
that is my last image of thatfriend of mine. Yeah, it's like
imprinted on your brain. So thisis a roundabout way of saying that.

My the biggest memory I have ofFarley was when he hosted SNL for the
last time, when he was bloatedand red and clear. I mean for
Farley, he was overweight. Sothat's what I think of the photo.
That was crazy too. I don'teven know if I've ever seen that.
It's terrible. Yeah, I don'tthink I've seen it. In the Philippines,
they do open casket no matter what. And I've told this story before.

I went to a Filipino Marines funeraland he was fighting just different,
like I don't know, terrorists inSouthern Philippines where they have a lot of
problems with people from the Taliban andthere's a lot of activity like that down
there. And he was beheaded.They did not recover his head, but
they still have an open casket nomatter what. So they made him a

fake head of tradition to have anopen casket. Yes, they have an
open casket, no matter what,no matter what, no matter what.
If someone have a head and theyhad an open casket with a fake head,
because if they're missing the lower half, that's no problem because it's closed
anyway, A blanket over it.Blanket what they made a wax head?
They made a wax head? What? Why would there be no contingent,

like, why would there be noconditions under which they go, we're going
to keep it closed. I don'tknow, I understandad but looked like a
wax head. It was the mostterrifying thing I've ever seen in my entire
life. Like him, I hadnever met him before, Like I was
just there as part of like thechurch, so I'm just there, so
you didn't know what he looked like. They had pictures of him, so

I could see that the head wasa good interpretation of what his head would
look like. But it wasn't perfect. It wasn't like they had rendered the
services of a master skull. Yeah, they didn't go to Madame tuss Oh
my god, because they never foundthe head. Nothing they can do.
So it looked like mister Bill withhis body. Yeah, I mean it
looked it was creepy. And youknow, like there's eyelashes and like hairs

like like but it's like where youcan see the hairs put in there.
It was really unsettling, disturbing,and like they have like a they always
they have an open casket, butthey have a piece of glass over it
still so that you don't reach inthere and try and take the head touch
them or I always want to people. Yeah, I always want to touch

a dead body. If I goto a funeral it's an open casket,
you better believe I'm gonna sneak inthere and touch. I'm afraid to touch
the person. That's why I doit, because I'm afraid. I gotta
go. It's not anything to beafraid of, just a dead body.
I'm scared I'm gonna touch it,and they're gonna go, They're gonna go.
I also kind of hope that itwent I do sneak my touch,
that the whole casket falls over andthen I, oh no, the funeral.

Yeah, like in Bad Grandpa YouYeah, the worst steel the touch
that sounds like one of the BoogieNights songs. I think I think I've
told this before, but the worstfuneral I've ever been to any military funeral
you go to, you know,it's never gonna be a good situation,
especially the guys that are oversee inAfghanistan Iraq, because it takes weeks to

get the body shipped here. Andthey had an open casket for my friend
Jake's funeral. Do they put himin a refrigerator cargo planes or how do
they must? I mean, theypreserved the body as best they could,
but I mean he was okay.Granted, they do all the makeup and
they do all the things that theydo, and he was green. I
mean, well yeah, and Iwill never get that image out of my

head as long as I live.It didn't look like him. He was
like this Joe veal uh you know, you know, puffy cheeks, you
know, red, red face,kind of guy beard. And this was
just like I can't even explain it, like it was a green skeleton or

something. That's why I want tobe cremated, Like I don't want any
of that nonsense. I don't wantanyone to last. Now, I probably
would have. I would have liked, I think ultimately, for the thing
to be open. You think so, yeah, I think I think I
would have. But because you know, here's my question though, if if
you don't, if it's a closecasket, do they do the makeup and

everything or do they just throw themin there and shut the casket. I
do not know that. They probablydo it because they want to get the
you know, they want to chargeyou for it. Yeah, but why
would they do it? You couldsave money if you're not ever going to
show anyone. I don't know.I don't know how that goes. I
just know that I don't want thecremation. I want to be one of
the tree people it gets turned intoa tree because I feel like I have

a strong enough will that I'll beable to make that treat come to life.
Alan viewings are awful. I justrecently lost my mom and she looked
creepy in the casket, and Icannot get that image out of my head.
That's the thing. That's the lastway that you see them, and
you see them in a way you'venever seen them before. So it's not
like you know, when they're alive, you're like, oh my mom looks
weird in that dress or her hair'sdifferent. When you see them dead,

it's a way you've never ever seenthem before. Because it's impossible, and
then that's the lasting image that you'vegot, and it's like, oh god,
I don't like talking about this.I'm like, why she's gonna cry?
Death makes her uncomfortable. Hey,I cried last week. It's your
turn. Yeah, my grandma didnot look the same at all. My
mom's like, no, she kindof looks like her. I'm like,

uh, okay, I'll let youbelieve that if you need to, but
if your mom could kind of getaround it. I mean, I think
it was because I hadn't seen mygrandmother in six or seven months or something,
so she'd really did tear over thelast six or seven months, and
I didn't see any of that.Oh that's the tough part because then when
you see her, she's like superfrail and done up in the casket.

Yeah, So it was like,I'm like, I didn't even know I
was in the right room. IfI didn't see my family there, I
would not have even known that washer. So it was it was just
hard. Yeah, Hey, Jessica, how's it going. Tell me you
have a funny funeral story. Iknow I don't. I don't move to

trying to thank the mood a littlebit no, please do levity, levity
please levity, okay, or elseI'm gonna have to start playing fart noises.
Right. I called in a whileago talking about my grandma at the
zoo, how the lions got eaten. Yep, and so this spent my
family's crazy. So a little backstory. My grandma, her husband had another

family on the west side, andso like he had two families. Did
she know this? Later on,yeah she knew, but for a long
time she he had a secret otherfamily. Yes, in the same city.
Well, no, this is whathe would do. He would wake
up and on the east side andsay, okay, guys, gotta go

to work. And then instead ofgoing to work, he'd just go to
the west side to his other familyand be like, oh, just got
home from my night job, andthen like go back and forth. Right,
But this isn't you know, likewhen guys do this usually they're traveling
salesman. They've got a family inSchenectady and another one in Omaha. This
dude was such a baller. He'djust split him up by west side and

east side of Cleveland. He suredid. Wow, this guy wasn't worried
at all about anybody running into anybodyelse or figuring anything out. I would
look around in Summit County, seeif he's got a third family down there.
This is the thing though, Soone of their family members had died.
So my grandma was at the funeraland everyone at this funeral, and

all of a sudden, the otherfamily walked in and they had already known
at this time. So they gotin this huge fight in front of the
coffin, pun literally punching each other. My mom falls into the coffin,
it falls on the ground. Everyone'slike crying and freaking out. Oh God,
it was just crazy. Jesus,I wish this would have happened in

the YouTube era. All right,yeah, all right, thank you,
Jessica. You remember, I don'tknow if you guys remember Charles oz Goood.
This was the guy. He wasthis kind of jovial reporter for CBS.
He did Charles oz Goood Across Americaor something bow tie right. This
guy had a show on CBS forthirty years, like Sunday Morning with Charles

oz Good. This guy dies,his wife finds out at his funeral that
he had a whole other family.Like meets the other wife at the or
a mistress or something other family forlike forty years. Imagine that guy's dead.
Can't kick his ad and that's whatyou're left me. It's why I

mean, he was the most unlikelycandidate for any kind of shenanigans like that
doesn't say that he's dead. CharlesOsgod Noo, I'm sorry, Charles Carralt
not osgood k you are alt Osgoodsstill alive? Hey, Matt, Hey,
what's up dude? What's up?Hey? So, when I was
about eight years old, I thinkI was at my uncle's funeral and he

died in a pretty horrific car accident. And I was standing by the casket
and one of my relatives was like, it's okay, it's okay, you
can touch him, and he mademe touch his arm, and as soon
as I touched his arm, Ijust felt something snap and it freaked me
out. And I still can't getthat image out of my head. Oh.
I got people texting me about liketheir mom had an IV in when

she was in the hospital. Sothen the at the casket like that iv
holes, leaco and embalming fluid andit's just all these things, just what
was it The cracked. I musthave been something they used to reconstruct his
arm, and I just touched hisforearm and all of a sudden, I
just heard his crack and like it'slike it's like paper mache or something.

Yeah, I don't know what theyused, but oh it freaked me out.
And I still think that image outof my head right, all right,
thank you? Not even just animage, it's a feeling. You
can't Yeah, that's not just animage, man. You you felt that
right. You broke him. Youcan never again eat potato chips, yeah,
or pretzels, nothing crunchy. Oh, he's not a liquid diet the

rest of his life. Pretzels aremaking me thirsty and terrified. Hey,
Todd, Yeah, I just wasmy my freaking funeral story. When I
was eleven, we were at mygrandfather's hero and my cousin, who is
the same age as me, we'reup here. That was our first funeral,
and we were been to and we'relooking at my grandfather and touched his

arm and while we're doing that,all of a sudden, his mouth just
craggically opens a little bit. Ohgod, that's that why freaked us out
to no end. We went runningaway from the casket and it's like parents
wentever looked and then they had tohave the funeral director over and makes him

justment. But yeah, what atraumatic experience for your very first funeral,
like a marionette or something. It'sthe bart really high though. Yeah,
Pinocchio always wanted to be a realboy. I think it's strange how we
do funerals with all like it.There. I understand, like you you're
you're trying to get some closure,but they're so sad, and it's it

doesn't ever seem like a real celebrationof the life. It just seems like
you're focused way more on the desk. Well, it's almost like an airlock
though, because when you go inthe visitation room, it's all obviously very
sad, because there's this line thepoor family that's gonna stand there and is
like the family, but you're rightnext to the casket. You go out
in the hall and we're all tellingstories and laughing, and right when you're

right there, close to it,and then you know when the you know,
my grandmother had a Catholic Mass,so it's an hour long of just
crying constantly. They asked me tospeak at the mass. How'd that go?
Did you kill? I killed?I did Type five? It went
fine, it went great. Imean I had jotted down some notes the

night before. But obviously I canspeak to a group of people. I
don't need to, you know.So they had a couple of relatives they
had me. His brother came tome and was like, hey, can
you speak at the could you saysomething? I'm like, if you want
me to, because he's like,I'll never be able to do it.
Yeah, just the whole I mean, Catholic Catholic funerals the worst because it's

so long and so drawn out.It's like, can we get to the
uh the uh what you call it? The response oorial song? Which part
no, the part where you eatcommunion nous, the lunchin Well, they
didn't have a reception, okay,yeah, so it was you know,
but there was the mass, andthere were people there that hadn't gone to

the visitations, so there was alot of that. And it was like,
when I was up there, it'snot even the speaking to a group
of people, a church full ofpeople things. I don't care about that
at all. But I was soupset. I was like trying to keep
it together. There was a paperclip on the podium and I shredded it
by the time I was done talkingbecause I needed to focus. You know,

if they didn't have a reception,maybe they should switch to at and
T Hue. Not that kind.You're trying to lead me into possible spots
that I'm doing. No, nothinglike that. Okay, been a good
one. That's hard. I don'tI don't think I would ever be able
to speak at anyone's funeral, evenif it was someone I didn't know.
Well, you know, because Ihad a few good lines in there.

Get people kind of chuckle in alittle bit, and you know, you
want to you want to build themup a little bit. Then you want
to some singers. I had somesingers. You tell some funny stories and
then you gotta leave them all intears. I did, Yeah, I
did. I mean, did youdid your job? You had a nice
flow. It was a few minutes, not too long. Now you short

got the points across, Hey,Mike. To answer Erica's question, they
do in a close cast, couldstill make them up and dress them up?
And why do they do that justfor posterity or what? Well,
the family still has private visitation whereeven if it's a close cast is you
could still look at them on yourown. I see, you would see

them in a proper state. Usuallythat's done before you know, the public
viewing, so the family has timewith them by themselves. Are you a
funeral director, Mike, no experience? Okay, thank you? Hey Michelle,
Hi, everybody, I just wantto tell you a quick fuddy one.

They got the grandkids through the wakeof their grandma. When we walk
in to see her. I don'tknow what the funeral director did when he
dressed her, but she had boobsthe size of mouth, and everybody was
like, where the hell did thosecome from? Yeah? I want to
make her look good, right,give me boobs when I die? Yeah,
give me boobs or give me death. She got both right, Okay,

thank you? Hey Ryan? Hi, Yeah, I just wanted to
say my wife from Haiti and sheand the cool thing is a Haitian funeral
is completely different than anything you're usedto it because it's basically one big party
and you go see if you're watcha video line, you'll see them with
the casket walking down the street,people dancing, people singing. We got

trumpets playing like that. It's acelebration. Yeah, and all the relatives
are drunk off their ass. Surecan you be deputized as Haitian? I
call my CELTATIONI virilation Haitian by relation. Good for you. You can go
that way too, Chris, what'sup? What's Chris? One of my
buddies got killed the car accident aboutten years ago, and he was Greek

Orthodox, and I was raised Catholic, so Eric and I know what you
mean. Catholic is very long anddrawn out, and it's like a stage
performance that we all become actors thatwe know when we're supposed to stand and
sit and kneel. But my buddygot in a car wreck and he didn't
have a seatbelt on. He gotthrown out of the car. The car
rolled over his head, and Iguess in Greek Orthodox they have to do

open casket and he was thrown fromthe windshield and yeah, yeah, the
car rolled over him, but theyhad to do an open casket. And
his face, I mean, helooked like a smashed pancake. I mean,
he did not look like himself atall. And then for the actual
funeral, it's about a two hourmass where they kicked the casket up to

the front of the church and openit up again. And the entire thing
is in Latin. So you said, there for two hours, you have
no clue what they're talking about.It just goes on and on, and
the entire time I just could stoplooking over at this open tasket at him
because it was quite creepy looking.I dated a girl in college who was
Greek Orthodox and her family was loadedbecause like they invented the shrink wrap machine

or something, so she had theyhad tons of money. And again I
was raised Catholic too, and thisis I think when I was still God.
I think I was still going toMass in college because I felt guilty
if I didn't go, and she'slike, well, I want you to
me and my family come out andgo to Mass with me. And Greek
Orthodox masses were basically an excuse tojust party afterwards, Like you'd be in
this three hour mass and I didn'tunderstand anything. It was all Greek rip.

But then at the end of it, everybody would go downstairs. They
were like grilling a goat and everybody'sdrinking and like for the next six hours
it's hunt. Well whatever, Idon't know, you know, did you
have the grilled goats? This isall goats goat? Oh so good,
you know, once you peel thehair off, it's delightful. It might

have been just a voiceman. He'sa man of a thousand voices. We're
this voiceman that ever live, noneof which will make you laugh. But
he never took a performance for granted. Alan Cox on seven w m MS.
Be honest. Outside is overrated.It is the best. The bugs

we're bugspreads. The bugs are theworst inside. I'm always swing flies in
this cock to place. There's alot more bugs. Anytime I go swimming
by the pool. There's all thesehorse flies that fly around my ankles and
it makes me nuts. Bugs.Come on, I'm an outside You prefer
outside over inside? Yeah, ohmy god. In the summertime, people

want to be in the sun.I want to be out at a park
or hanging out doing do an outdooractivity. It's a nice place to visit,
but I can't exactly. We areinside all year. We're inside.
Intended to be outdoors, then wenever would have invented houses. We're intended
to be inside. People need tobe outdoors. They build houses because they

want to get eaten by a tigerin the middle of it. Exactly,
we don't have outdoors. We don'thave to worry about that. You're lame.
Outdoors is the best everywhere, everyactivity is done like inside, What
activity is done inside? What activity? What activity? If inside that is
better than an activity? Like ifyou were to go on a boat,

of the best boats are like yeats, and you still on a boat to
bring it to you. That's outside, smart guy inside the boat. In
the in the actual boat, you'dbe down in the galley instead of on
the deck. How would anyone seeyou on the boat? Okay? Are
taking their pictures out of the boatand then they go back inside. They're

like, okay. Where so ifyou were on a bed, well,
then why go out on the boatif you're going to be down below because
it's the sights you want to see. You can't see anything down there.
Got windows, you're gonna look throughthe portholes and that's your time on the
on the yap, they're a littlehot. Same, so slame. I
don't care. I'm like I likeinside. Inside sucks. I like inside

a lock. Inside's fine, butit's not better than outside. Like outside
in Ohio, or maybe maybe youget a week of second. My whole
point is that it is beautiful everysingle day outside, but I for inside
beautiful. I don't need to beoutside ninety percent of the time. I
mean, it's like a little bitout of a little bit outside goes a
long way for me. I wastalking to my middle brother, like,

pound Cake, where if I'm ona boat, I'm and be like,
I'll be below deck. I wantto be outside every day. If I
could be outside every day for acouple hours a day, I would absolutely
I was talking to my middle brotherat my son's graduation party a couple of
weeks ago. My whole family cameout for it, so I hadn't gotten
to see them for a while.I'm talking to my middle brother, and
he and his wife and their boys. They've traveled. Its wicked, right

that your little brother wickeed wicked.Isn't that his name? Wicket? Yeah?
No, I'm pretty sure it ismy brother wicked. You know,
let's call him wicked. Well,I just think that's what we should call
your brother. Let's call him wicked. David is my middle brother, fine,
right, wicked? So I'm talkingto him and I'm like, you
know, he and his wife.For the longest time, I've talked about

when the kids are out of college, the boys are both in you know
whatever, that they're going to retire, they're going to go to Phoenix.
That's where that you know, theyalways go out there, but you know,
they've just been going there for along time. Love Phoenix and I
go Phoenix is cool. You know, it's fine. But I was like,
other than living in la for alittle bit, most of my adult

life, all of my adult lifehas been primarily in the Midwest, Chicago,
Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Michigan. Right, And I'm like, I'm over
it. I'm over it. I'mover it. I'm only thirty and I'm
over it. Like when you livein California or yeah, there's fires and
floods or whatever, and everybody willprobably die. But in the meantime,
so beautiful people are like, I'mat the season. Nobody misses the seasons.

Nobody cares. You can spray snowon your tree. I love summer.
I just like being in the sunand no, but here's my thing.
I really like the fall too,like like seventy degrees or like sixty
eight degrees and a good sun,like that's perfect to just be outside in
that. And that's what California hasall the time. Well, California is
a cheap sun. I will giveit that, because you do have it
all the time. You get Junegloom and then you know whatever. But

I'm just talking about like Ohio thathas it's seven months of winter. It's
the least off It's I don't evenmean winter, it's the least days of
sun anywhere in the country. Seattlehas more sun than Ohio. Right,
so if you're living here, youcan be And I'm coming up on a
decade and you know, I'm justI'm getting over it. I'm just like,

even in the summertime, it wouldbe nice, because when you're an
adult, it doesn't matter. Right, you're not a kid in school.
You don't get summer off your workand you're in unless you're outside working.
Most people are inside working. Wedon't even get the blinds open, you
know, you don't get the blindsopen. That's right, she's slouching the
blinds. A the hell's going onover here? Normal, you know,
So it would be nice to nothave to worry about Oh well, the

day's going to start or the night'sgoing to start at four pm. Now,
yeah, you know, just yougo outside any time of the year.
It's eighty five and nice would benice to Bill about this last week.
I I'm not used and I knowit's been months, but still getting
used to this being in the middleof the day, like the show in
the very middle of the day.Because it's like with bartending, I was

done at three o'clock. Done.The rest of the day, I could
go be outside, I could godo whatever I wanted until I had a
show or on a day off,you have all day and nights to do
everything, whereas here are days offerSaturday and Sunday when there's usually a show
where I'm out of town. Sogetting used to not being outside in the
summer has been very difficult for meearly and go outside, I understand,
but I'm saying to just go relaxin the sun. That's what I mean

by being outside. I want tobe by a pool, I want to
be on a beach, I wantto be in a park. And it's
good for you. And you sita fluorescent lights the rest of your life
when you fill up your house.So I'm saying I'm not going to wake
up at five in the morning towork out, make breakfast, get my
lunch together, and then do gosit in this park and then come to
work and then go to a showand then not get home till midnight.

That's ridiculous. I just would loveto be outside if it wasn't for the
elements. Like if I didn't haveelements, that would be perfectly mostly for
me at the bugs. What doyou have against the sun cake? I
don't have a problem with the sunSoun's fine. Well that's one of the
elements, so one of the other. What do you got pro the other
three? Like dirt and stepping onlike a rusty nail, So he don't
does that happen? Nail? You'drather be inside in case you step on

a rusty nail? Correct? Correct? So guy walks like his whole body's
rusting and he's worried about stepping ona nail. Like at my own apartment,
we had a pool that was rightoutside our patio door. It was
perfect. No bugs came through there. It was concrete. So you know,
I'm not stepping in grass or likeon an ant hill or something like
grass. Why don't you wears aswell, kept as nice and it's soft.

You could sit in there or wearflip flops. Where flip flops.
You know, modern humans have figuredout a way not to step on fire
ant hills. They figured out howto not like right outside my hot concrete
and that was perfectly fine. Welaid out. It was a good day.
One of my best friends, hestill lives in la and we went
to out there for the Fourth ofJuly a couple of years ago, and

we were gonna go out to SantaMonica. We're gonna just kick it on
the beach, hang out at thepier whatever. He's pissing the whole time
that we're going to the beach,and I go, I hate the beach.
I go, then just sit there, man, sit there with the
old lady hat on and and myson I didn't realize when we were at
uh doing his freshman orientation or whatever, were just chatting it up and he's
like, oh, I hate sand, walking on sand. I'm like,

who doesn't like walking on? Putyour flip flops on and then take them
off. You've never you've never traveledoutside the country. Ice, does I
have it? What did Jamaica withyou, I mean beyond that aunt Toronto,
And you didn't like walking in thesand in Jamaica when it's like nice
soft sand. I did, Butlike I would around here, people think

of walking in sand, They're gonnastep on a syringe. I understand that.
I'm not talking about that was fun. It's just really messy. It's
just messy. That's all I getin my okay, But you got to
think you prepare yourself for that.It's like if you're going to a dance
club, you know, I'm goingto get probably get sweaty, I'm gonna
gt bumped into. There's gonna bedrinks around. That's something. When you
go to the beach, you're gonnaget sand in your feet, it's gonna
get in your hair, it's gonnabe in your butt. That's what's the

problem with that. You go takea shower. You mean to tell me
that your preference would be if you'rein a nice restaurant, They're like,
okay, we have a seating indoorlike inside in the air conditioning, or
we have seating patio seating patty.Yeah, I'm like, put me in
so I don't want bugs flying aroundmy food. How hot it is.
I'm not saying if it's ninety fivewith one hundred percent humidity, I want
to be out on the today.It's like seventy five and sunny. I

want to beat. I want tobeat. Okay, you also know that
the bugs can go right into therestaurant, right, But chances are no
they can go right into the restaurant. It's not like they go whoop.
Guys, Hold up, they can'tcross the threshold. Yeah, these are
just al fresco flies that are outhere the sun in my eyes. I
don't even know. I had noidea that you were. So you sound
like you sound like what people thinkI sound like. Okay, people think

I'm some curmudge and I'm not.Do you like outside in the fall or
the spring, or any time ofyear or not at all? Not at
all? You feel like this constantly. I hate the sun, I hate
the snow, I hate the right. I never said I hate it.
I just have. If I hada preference, I would prefer to party
indoors. That's just me. AllI'm saying is we're all living in Ohio

where man desperate for every sunny dayweekend. It's I'm like, you know,
what dude, it's going to be. We're going to be a foot
deep in snow comes September. Matterof fact, our hot tub is getting
delivered today, so and that's underneathour patio. So I'll enjoy that.
That's upsetting to me. You know, somebody his preference understand it's like sound

okay, it's what he likes.It's not what he likes his what you
like is a bummer to him.But he's not getting all sad about it.
I'm just reflecting. Am I notto feel my feelings? Bill?
No, I'm just saying it's Ican't sit here and be like, well,
that sucks. I'm glad. Idon't think that way. It's just
say that that's that's a bummer.I don't think I feel bad for yourself.
Okay, am I going to fixhim? Fix like that? That's

what you're putting out there. Ifeel like you're projecting a little bit by
the way puns. You know,indoor floors and patios are going to be
the most common places to step ona nail, So you know, if
you're walking around the beach, probablynot going to be any rusty nails sticking
up out of the beach, thebest way for me to enjoy the outdoors
would be like through a jeep centerroof. But ask you this, though

that's fun, that it's a beautiful, but you had you had fun in
Jamaica. You weren't complaining the wholetime that we were outside in Jamaica.
I was happy to be in anew place. But it was all outside.
There's an island, a new place. If you I had a choice
for summertime to this Saturday, youhave one friend that's having a barbecue at

like a pavilion at the park,or you have one friend who's like,
hey, come hang out in myair conditioned basement. You would rather go
to the basement. Both parties arelit and both parties, both both parties
have food, both parties lit.It's all friends. He's in a party,
You're going to the basement. Thebasement party is going to be more
lit because it's darker down there,so they have to They just need more
light and to see what's going goingto the basement party. That blows my

mind, really mine too, Butthat's his thing. If he wants to
go to a basement party may bein a basement. The rest of the
year. You're missing September until March. You have to be in basements,
so you're in a closet for likenineteen years. But you were in a
literal closet at the point. Hewould have been happy to be in a
literal closet, is what you say. So you're like a moleman man.
The further down into the earth youcan go, the happier you are.

Switch apartments because I want to bein a basement. I want to be
down below on a boat. Sohe just wants to be comfortable and away
from the elements. There's a lot, and I think it comes down to
what you can and can't control andwhat when you're in that environment where you're
outside, there's a lot that youcan't control. That's the fun of it.
But that's but not for pound Cake. No, but not for me.

I've got I have I have incrediblybad allergies. So in the springtime
going outside, yeah, okay forme that I now I take medicine so
I don't so I can go outsidebecause I'm not quite as bad as pound
Cake. But I get it.I mean it used to be you like,
is it gonna rain? I don'tknow. I'm going a weather app
that tells me like the minute therain's gonna start, it's gonna rain in
eleven minutes, gets stung by abee or then I get stung. I'm

not alert. Well, it getsno fun, but it's baked into the
cake. It's you know, I'mnot allergic to them. And she wraps
his cake in the dirt. Imean, my boyfriend has bought a house
and he's like, you, like, come over, help me do yard
work. I was like, Idon't even help my mom with yard work.
Why am I gonna help you?And I love doing stuff in the
yard boy in the summertime. WhenI if I don't have I usually have

post show things to do here.But if I don't, on the rare
occasion, I don't straight home home. I grabbed the kid and we go
in the backyard. I start doingstuff. Well, my niece, my
sister has a blood pressure, shoesand anxiety and stuff, so being in
the sun affects her in a thousanddifferent ways. She can't handle it.
So when I don't have shows orstuff, I'll try to take my niece
and even like a couple of weeksago, maybe two weeks ago. We

just went and played in the sprinkler. Just put the sprinkler in the front
yard, running through it, playingwith the ball. Just anything to be
out affect your health. I understandit. Right. There are plenty of
people who you know, like mentalhealth gives me anxiety. Enough with the
anxiety and beat you big, Simi'sjust gonna come like respect. I'm sure

there's a new story somewhere in theworld where someone was just frolicking on a
beach, just trying to take aninsacram selfie, and a truck just came
in, just steam road right overthem. All right, you know what,
live your anxious, lame life,then my anxiety. You can't just
credit my anxiety, of course Ican. You know, I'm like,
I want to. I've never heardof that. Are you a gambler at

all? No? No, Wow, that's pretty good. You should be,
though, because the odds of asemi drug hitting you on a beach
are practically nil. Yeah, playthe numbers, okay. See, I'm
like, put me in the sun, I'll bake. I'll lay in the
sun for hours and just be like, I mean, I don't want I
don't want it to be the onlytime I relax. I want it to
know another time where I'm relaxing.I don't want it to be oppressive.

But I mean a seventy five degreeday where it's nice with a breeze.
I'm laying there for five hours.I'm not going anywhere. You can run,
you can be out, you canI can't do the laying out.
I understand that. I get thattoo boring. And that's for actually a
small group of people like lay andbe. I just want to feel the
sun on my body. Do youlike to run through the metro parks?
You know you can feel it withoutjust laying there? No, but I

can. Like that's when I enjoyit the most. That's when I sit
and I relax. And that doesn'tbother me at all. Why do you
get so upset about it? I'mnot upset. I'm saying you're if that's
how you get upset when I getupset about things. When I said it's
a bummer, the punk pund cakewants to be inside, you jumped to
it at me, like, lethim be inside? The inside? Were

the inside guys? The outside outsiders? Bills on bills on team inside,
Yeah, there the insiders, theoutsiders. And by the way, congratulations
to pound Cake for being such asupportive boyfriend just from the jump you outside.
I told him that, but Idid help him. So what did
you do? Did it feel niceto be out in fresh air and helping

you? No, I just wantto I can't wake these leaves. One
of the semi truck comes up.I was doing that's most ridiculous. I
was doing the edging, the edgingof his lawns that outside that you should
be doing inside basement activity ed Hehad one of those like actual lawnmars where

it's like the blades that he's justpushing it. I'm like, come on,
man, you can you get amower. He's like no, this
is way is a lot better.I'm like, ah god, he's getting
his cardio. It's just no,it's a it's a band to have one
of those I'm over here edge andstuff. And he's like like just living
his best life and it's a goodworkout. Due like, why do you

enjoy this because it's like you're atthe gym, but you're in your yard
doing stuff. It was fun.I was I don't miss it, patting
myself. I'm like this ain't gonnawork about to break up. I can't
do this and now on the truckon the beach is as ridiculous as somebody
looking in his car while he's napping. I have anxiety. It's all looking
at his car while he's napping isway more likely hitting him on the beach.

A runaway, you guys, that'sfunny because it is funny because it's
ridiculous. Like an eggewater that's rightthere, right off the shore away.
My truck is just come just ifyou're If you are, if you are
so anxious that you're worried a semitruck is going to hit you on the
beach, You're never going to doanything in your life. Never. My
point is is that that like mostbeaches are down like you have to take

steps or a hill or something,maybe have a troll car. There's they
sometimes put trucks on the beach.We're making the mistake of trying to apply
logic to this. That's no fun. That's fine. I'm not trying to
be the fun killing right to driveon a highway where there are actual threat
of semi trucks. The beach peopleare a huge factor, and what what
I'm going to enjoy inside or out. Yeah, you know, how many

people? What? How many people? What? People like? That's a
huge factor. Yeah, if thissouthaid, I'm like, is there a
lot of walking? Do I haveto do a lot of walking? I
don't want to do this for sure. There are a lot of walking.
Oh man, you are two handsfull of my friend. Kudos to your
boyfriend. All right, listen,no you do you Mary and I will
be the outsiders. You guys bethe inside We go. It's all good.

I do have some poopy. Wecover this kind of briefly, but
the moon, there is a lotof poop on the moon. So you
know, for people who are themoon landings because of the anniversary of Apollo
eleven and all that, you know, it's back in the news. India
finally got around to shooting some shuttleup there are there. India is trying

to land in the moon. Butthere is a lot of poop on the
moon because you know, they hadto be worried about making sure that these
capsules were were light enough to getthem back and all that stuff. So
they would unload cargo and uh andpoop. They would leave bags of when
Apollo eleven was up there. Theyhad to unload twelve cameras, twelve pairs

of boots, a telescope, twogolf balls. We've basically turned the moon
into like a junk heap, youknow, certain parts of it. You
think they like stacked up and tryingto make it look nice at least or
help, I hope. So there'sa little bit enough to keep it.
Yeah, I think keep it.Argument it doesn't float away, well,

yeah, it's fat away. Idon't know. Never been to the moon.
You seeing people on the moon.They're not floating away, but they
are floating. No, they ifyou put something on it, it stays
on the Moon. I don't know. You know how the moon has gravity?
Okay, like these guys, theydon't fly away if they jump up,
they were bouncing because the GRAVI youknow, the lass. Yeah,

but they also left ninety six bagsof poop. Of the bags filled with
poop, pee and vomit. Oh, vomit. I didn't even think about
getting sick up there. Yeah,you're doing all that celebrating. You can
get drunken hungover on the moon.Oh no, hungover on the moon.
Moon Moon hangovers. The worst Moonhangover playing the cord. Yeah, I'd

hang it outside on the moon.I do that, no bugs, you'd
hang out outside on the moon.Yeah, space man, Okay, very
few people almost. What if youget hit by a meteor though, worse
right, what if like the lunarcapsule falls over onto you and it was
fate, But it's getting hit onthe beach. Truck boy, you want

to talk about fate, I wouldthink getting hit by a semi truck on
a beach was fate. That's somereal final destination type shrimp you think.
I'm sure it happens more than whatyou a semi truck. I would like
you to know what you're saying.I would like you to google it and
find me in If you can findme one, I will shut up about
what you said, because at leastI'll know it's happened. Possibility is one

thing, Probability is quite another.Anything is possible. I'm sure it happened.
Most things are not probable. Butafter fifty years, all that poop
and p and puke, you know, they say it's probably just bags of
dust right now up there on themoon. Would you know that most semi
truck accidents happen on highways. Wow, who could have figured that out?
Yeah, he's not saying it happenswith regularity. He if I understand you

correctly, and I think I do. He's saying that, boy, wouldn't
it just be his luck that arunaway semi truck would kill him on a
beach? Right, some things aretoo good to be true. This thing
is too true to be good.Ye true that one hundred point seven to

believe you, mass By still ana feel of their plastic. I'm gonna
drop the ham off theat to himbosses and the boding y'all to slam off.
If poo the east Coat didn't movewest downtown to grandbas I'm don't bring
it back to New York photos plusthey throw the hands off. That's been
a couple of pose the pop andthe bucket pins out. You''mna sly with
a DoD for about it head myfan household, I'm not trying to take

your sof puk your heart ache andjas open twenty four were dropping for he
go will S love this song.Thanks you see this Josh Woltz, He's

a giant of comedy. I alwaysshould play this for him. He's back
at hilarities this weekend. You reallyare a renaissance man, aren't you.
You do everything, You do everythingeverything. You're a New York Times best
selling author. True you. Ican't count how many shows you've hosted,

couple? Is the CMT Show stillreally bad? Accounting? Yeah? Yeah,
I'm really bad accounting and reading?And is the CMT Show still on?
Not on? You never got enoughcredit for being a late night guy.
Get I get CMT? Yeah yeah, but you did the show,
well did it for a while,right, But people go, oh,

all the giants of late night Conanhe's been on since ninety three. Yeah,
it's fallent never Josh Woolf unfair fakenews? Why not? Right?
I consider that to be real news. Yeah, you know, the network
didn't get a lot of numbers.But you know what I'm doing right now.
But they don't expect to That's whatthey mean. They're not trying to

get a night show. You know. I will tell you. You know
what I'm I'm doing right now,which is maybe my favorite thing I've ever
done. I'm doing something on myFacebook fan page. I do it Facebook
Live every Tuesday night, and Ido it. It's like a combo talk
show podcast called Controlled Chaos, andit's just you know me guests. So

let me think this past week wasa guy named Brent Morin tone Bell and
a woman named Amory lead all comics. They sit on the couch, we
do weird stuff. This is ona sound stage in Hollywood, and you
know, we guet so there's someproduction value into it. Zero stage.
You know, it's very very cableaccess Peewee's playhouse fields. It's the couch

from Seinfeld and then the rest ofit's super super loose. And my producers
know that I like surprises, soat least once a week something has to
happen that I don't know what's gonnahappen. You do like surprise. I
hate surprises. They surprised me withguests. So last week or two weeks
ago, there was a guy whocame on, walked on the stage.

We're all shooting, you know,I'm talking to the panel, and a
guy walked on the stage in greentights, shirtless with wings who thinks he's
half dinosaur half man and ends upeating out of my hand. It was
so bizarre, dude, but Ilove that stuff, and so they surprised
me with that stuff every week,because then you had to roll with it
and make it into something. Igotta roll with it and make it happen.

That wouldn't be bad. I thought. They were like, oh,
Henry Kissinger. No no, no, no, no, Like, hey,
Josh, your mom died. Wehad a killer for the surprise,
but we wanted to this week.We had a guy who he said,
because what we did is we putan ad on Craigslist. And I told

my producer, I said, andthe producer's guy, I did Chelsea with
again Nam Jeff, Yeah, okay, okay, And so we took out
a Craigslist list and the ad wasdo you need fifty dollars and have a
weird skill? That was it right? And he was like, but if
you you know, he said,if you one thousand email responses later,
well, here's the best part.He said, you should do two hundred
dollars. I go, know,the skills will be too good. I

want somebody who thinks their skill isworth fifty bus fifty bucks. Yeah,
I don't want guys who actually cancome on and do something. So some
guy came on and he was like, hey, if you pick any song
that's been in the top forty inthe last twenty five years. This was
what he said with skill was namethe song. I can name the artist
in the season of the year.It came out, Wow, the season
season Yeah the sea, which waslike, yeah, it was a little

that never people will say the dateor the year right the season. So
he was giving himself a three monthwhite birth Yeah. And also you're in
California where it's basically two seasons.Yeah. So I asked him four songs.
He didn't know any of that wasin Sprummer of eighty five. He
didn't know the band. He didn'tknow, and so he said, well,

I'm not I actually deep were thecuts though they were pretty it's top
forty, That's what he said.Not so your easy songs, those that
people know. He didn't know shine. So and so I said to him,
I go so you He goes,well, I don't know everything.
I said. So you're telling meyou're an expert, but you are over
four and he goes, yeah.I go, well, then I'm an
expert a lot of things. Ireally like, I wonder what constitutes expert

anymore. I don't know what thatmeans anymore. Because he said, say
Barbie Girl I'm like, what,let me give you a couple of warmonts,
say, Barbie Girl. That doesn'tmake you an expert dude, he
would a memorize or off armpit fartingthis song for you. And by the
way, the person who canceled toldus that he makes a perfect fart noise

out of his mouth and does perfectrenditions of songs. That's who was supposed
to come on. That's what myfifty dollars was really right, and he
had to cancel. I don't know, maybe well a guy like that's he's
like, I'm sorry, I gota seventy five dollars paying bay gig over
here, so I can't even wastethis on Facebook Live stage. What would
have been great if this dude hadfarted songs and the other guy tried to

guess what they were heights that wouldhave taken you from Facebook Live to an
actual TV. But we're getting alot of great views. Last week's This
particular week show was more chaos thancontrol. It was really bananas because all

three of my guests worse because youcould smoke, weed or drink on the
show. So all three of myguests they finished a Facebook you can smoke
weed and there's no nothing. Wejust can't smoke weed on the stage,
but we vape and we eat edible. Yeah. But what's your Facebook page?
It's my Facebook fan page. Butwhat just Josh Wolf, Yeah,
I'm assuming okay, comedian Josh,I don't Yeah, I just want to

make sure I'm throwing it up onthe Yeah. But it is so much
fun. It's it's it's because ittruly is. And then we had these
kids, a local hip hop groupwho makes sandwiches at Jersey Mike's with my
son and my son was like,can they come in and uh do a
set? I'm like yeah, andthey were amazing. The record company called

me the next day and was like, what's the info on those guys?
It was great, So it couldgo either way. That's one of those
things. That's the big part.It's the best part. I saw the
Broadway show Jersey Mike's Boys. Yeah, it was unbelievable. Well that's too
much to do for me. Harderrhyme with protrudo? Yeah, how old
your kid? Now? Which onedid what Jersey Mike's Oh he's twenty one

man one. Yeah, he's myco host on the show. But you've
got three kids. Yeah, he'syou know, the last time he was
here with me, Did I tellyou? He says, someone get shot?
No, oh, dude, Ican tell you. In Cleveland.
So we're down at that hotel thatlooks like the Titanic, right down on

the Pickwick Allley there, like atthe end of the alley, there's that
huge, beautiful hotel, the GalleryI might be. Yeah. And so
we're starcade. Yeah, we're stayingthere. And right below our window,
you know, next to the bowlingAlley there, there's a place where you
can get some tacos in case ofe is. And so we're in the
room and I said, I wantsome case of das and he said I'm

gonna go down and get some.I said great. And so I'm laying
in bent and uh, maybe threefour minutes later, I here that's one.
Yeah, And I was like,oh, no, was that a
cash register? Ak, yeah,you need to monetize them. Gunshot Jewish.

I was like a great cash registerright there, having a good day,
a lot of sails. What Ilike to hear he goes down,
I hear the gunshots because you youhurt. It sounded closer to you than
you were comfortable. If it hadbeen way off in the distance, you
wouldn't have been worried. I knewI was on the fifth floor, and
I knew I could see where rightbeneath the window, that's where the gunshots

are coming from. Oh, rightthere, I can hear the gunshots are
right beneath the window, which iswhere he's getting the food. Gotcha.
And so I'm freaking out. ObviouslyI told you not to go to the
gun shot. Yeah. And Igo to the window and I pull back
the blinds and I see a bodyin the alley. Yeah, and uh,
it's not really yep, and it'snot my son. And I call

she'd been shot in the leg orsomething. Okay. Uh. And I
call my son and go hey,and he goes hey. I go,
well, you gotta come. What'sgoing on? He goes, I saw
someone get shot. I go,I know, man, I said,
you got to come back up here. And he goes, well, I'm
waiting for the food, right,I said, I go, Jacob,
someone gets shot. He goes,yeah, but I don't think they're going

to come back and shoot her again. Hanging around, He said, they
ran off. They're not coming backand he said he said, plus everybody
else left to the owner of theplace that I could have everyone's food.
So he came up in the room. He had like ten bags of Mexican
food. I was a little high, so I was like, good choice.
Yeah yeah, but it was ashotgun bfet good for you. It
was craze yea. I was looking, did you see this? You know

what? This one's breaking too.I think they're all breaking ake and yes,
this this but like so this isthat's not the first time that's happened,
because there's one that we moved outof here. We don't have some
reason. We don't have a budgetfor this show. So that's what passes
this parting gifts to take that away. We'll sign it whatever. I have
a question about the African American listenersBlacklist. Yeah, the Blacklist, Yeah,

I was once says African American.One says blacklist. Well we call
it the blacklist, Okay. Questionfor the Blacklist? Are the people who's
these are people who've been guests orhow do you know? They listen all
voluntary people who call in. WhenI first got here, I was like,
it's a rock station. You know, there's a lot of white people
listening to radio station, I said, but clearly there are black people who
listen to And I said, weshould celebrate those people because they are a

literal minority of this audience just startedpeople calling in said, hey, I'm
black writing down. If they're biracial, they're a point five, you know.
And we got some celebrits on there, got came Ol Bell, got
uh Paul Mooney and Dwayne Perkins.Yeah, I got a lot of people.
And so do they call because theyknow about the Blacklist? We call
and they say, we want tobe part of the Blacklist. I think

we've hit peak Blacklist because we haven'thad anybody like we have one like a
month ago. But for a whileI was boom, boom boom. But
I mean we haven't we get themlike maybe a few times a year now.
Yeah, So I think we've literallychronicled every black person who listens to
the show. But we wanted tocelebrate people who don't normally get celebrated in
this audience. Yeah, man,I really like some fantastic celebrities along the

way, Shack and who else ison? Yeah, I see Shack and
and I see uh Paul Mooney andI see uh Love is on there.
Yeah, money loves Money loves onthe Love. I see Kenny lofton yep.
C J. Miles. That's right. Yeah, that's a Yeah,
that's pretty impressive. Man, it'san exhaustive list. Yeah, you definitely

lack listeners. You've really gone out, you really know, are you going
to make a list for? Areyou gonna make an age list? If
I ever have an Asian person,well, we joined about number one.
Man. We've never gone that routethough, Yeah, I mean you do
you think? Okay? Okay,So say if you made an Asian list,

Yeah, would the Asian list beatthe Blacklist? No? Cleveland with
the with the the east Side oncampus. What about the Mexican list?
Does that beat the Blacklist? No? No, no, because I mean
that's in Mexico. We got someLatino listeners have a whole call in.
But and there's there's parts of Clevelandthat are very like Hispanic, Like there's
there's uh Puerto Ricans, and there'sMexicans in there in like Ohio City and

Lorraine. But as far as like, there's not a ton of diversity as
far as other races go in Clevelandand it's very segregated too, literally hyper
segregated. Who's who's Lorraine and Iactually have so many Mexicans in it,
But I will I think you shouldchallenge your Latino can be to see if

they can beat the three pages ofyour blacklists. All right, if four
hundred and seventy eight of you,you want to email me? Right,
So four families, I just likethey're in the park a loon. Now
they're ready to come in to cleanthe building. When you have your kid,
bring a whole bunch of cas.It'll all work out. No,
I'm telling you, I chat.I'm telling you the Latino community, you

gotta be stunned. Okay. Iwant them to come out in force.
Yeah, I want this to bea broad tent for people, big tent.
How many How long are you givingthem to beat the blacklist? How
how long do they need? Like, what's your window? Well, I've
been here eight years? Oh soI mean they can have I won't be
here another eight years, but Imean you know they can however they want

to do. Yeah, so forthe next three weeks, there you go,
three weeks something like that. JoshWolf is at Hilarities. I mentioned
the book and we talk about yourkids and all that. But Josh's book
is called It Takes Balls, DatingSingle Moms and other confessions from an unprepared
dad. A friend of mine whoI shall not mention, very well known
author, Pulitzer Prize winner, hehad early in his career, an older,

even more well known author tell him, don't ever have kids. He
said, every kid is a bookyou'll never write. I know that the
kids have been And then he hadto wrestle with that he's had. He's
had a very successful career with kids, you know, but I was kind
of thinking about that because your kidsare a big part of your act.
Obviously, this book and all thatwas there, uh and a lot of

these things kind of fell in yourlap as it were. Has that have
you? Do you feel like themicrophone destroyed up with the arms that he
broke off? Do you think thatobviously that the dad thing has been has

been helpful of comedically, But havethere been times where like, man,
I could do this fighting in thesekids? I think every parent problem thinks
that. Yeah, right, ofcourse, you know there are times,
especially when you're first starting as acomic, when you need to be out
on stage, right at night atnight. Yeah, and you obviously don't
have any money. You know,you guys know Joey Dida is. Yeah,

so Joey was my babysitter. Yeah, and you know when I would
go out and perform what Yeah,I know, yeah, but it just
it never Yeah, and they kidshocked me. Yeah. Yeah. Did
I ever tell you my favorite joeDida's babysitting story. You might have a
telled again for people who missed it. Okay, So, uh, Joey
doesn't wear underwear or he didn't.And I went out to do my set

and they came back and uh,my daughter was probably five at the time,
maybe, and Joey's been over topick up some toys and she ripped
some hair out of his ass crackand she goes, how many? And
he goes, oh, it feltlike five that time. I go that
time? What do you mean thattime? And he she loves that game.
I go, yeah, but Ihate it, dude. I don't
want you playing that game ever again. Yeah, they had been playing.

Yeah that time means that happened morethan once. But they loved him.
And I will tell you absolutely,My career is different, but there are
positives and negative. Here's a negative. The negative. I didn't get to
do as much stage time I did. Really, I didn't get to travel
as much early on and cut mychops there because you were this is not

like you were an established guy andthen you had some kids. You were
coming up and trying to get thingsgone. I was living in one room
with three kids, and I don'tknow what a thousand dollars a month gets
you in Cleveland, but in LAgets you nothing. So I was living
in one room. And you know, my son, my oldest son,
when he was about seven, hewas like, hey, I really want
my own room. I was like, this is the room, dude,

So I don't know what and hesaid, no, I know that story.
Yeah, but he said I knowthat. But I was thinking,
you know those you know in thoseapartments, the sliding glass mirrored closet doors.
Yes, he had cleared up myshoes and he'd laid his blankets down
in there, and he said,I was thinking I could sleep in here.
And I was like, you're gonnasleep in the closet and he said

yeah. And I said, allright, listen, you can't talk about
this at school because CPS is coming. But you know, don't tell your
friends I sleep with the closet becausethat is going to get back to your
teacher. No, I like it. It's fun. Yeah. Yeah,
it was my idea. By theway, that's just like you know,
I didn't have any money for rollercoasters amusement parks, so my kid's roller

coaster was I would find an emptyparking lot, uh later at night,
and I would put my kids inmy trunk on my car and I would
just drive around, run over,stop, speed bumps and stuff. And
they loved it. They loved it. To make your own fun. Yeah.
So one time we're walking over withthe put them to sleep. That's
the best part. They're tired,they sleep, so what smiles on their

faces. We were walking out tothe car after and we were in the
parking lot at a grocery store andwe're walking out and we're walking past these
two police officers who were walking inand we happened to be walking up to
my car at the time, andmy daughter was like, put me in
the trunk. Daddy, put mein the trunk. And I was like,
Aha, she's kidding. I gottastop letting her drive with my brother.

I don't know what that is.But Siner calls you, your son
was telling you about coming out ofthe closet. No, No, he
literally is in the closet. Heslept there. My daughter ended up sleeping
under the bed because she wanted herspace to It was like, you know
what I mean, man, Youknow, you do what you have to
do at certain point times in yourlife. So when when you got to

the point where you could get atwo room place, yeah, they thought
it was never land ranch, likethis is unbelievable. I went from one
room and then I did a oneman's show and I got a TV deal
out of it. So we wentfrom one room to a house. Yeah,
and you know, everybody had aroom and they were like, what
it is going there's food in therefrigerator, right, you know, my

son, that's an amazing thing tobe able to do too. My son
actually said to me because the grocerystore in la Is called Ralph's and more
a Vonds man but okay, okay, yeah, as long as you're not
a Johns guy. But he actuallybecause he cut on. We didn't used
to steal food from rawse yeah,but we would go to the warm food
place. You'd forget to pay forever. I we'd go to the warm food.

We'd go up and down the aisles, they would eat all their food
and then we'd leave. Yeah,And I remember my oldest son asked me
once this is stealing. I go, you anything in your pocket? He
said, no, I go on. They were sealing. Yeah. Yeah.
I was like, we're not stealinganything. Yeah. So I don't
remember what we were talking about.We're talking about moving from one room to
an So when there was food andthe refrigerator, we need the happy ending
of the story. When there wasfood and the refrigerator, you know,

I remember. So it was likethe first week we're there and my son
comes in and he wakes up beforeme, and he comes in and he's
eating cereal. He's sitting on me, sits on my bed and he's eating
cereal out of the box with hishand and he just drops a low on
the floor, like what do youdo? When he was we can waste
a little food now, huh.But have they grown up though? Knowing?

I mean literally, they've grown upknowing like what you do have or
when you don't have? Yes,and you know what else happened? And
I hate to not make this superfunny, but what it did for me
also if it did something for thetwo of us at the same time.
You know, my dad had avery serious conversation with me one at one
point in time, a couple monthsbefore I did the One Man Show,
and he said, look, Iunderstand it's your dream, and I respect

that you're going after your dream,but at what point does your dream become
selfish to your kids. You're notalone anymore, you have three kids,
so what point do you consider thisto be selfish when you need to get
a job and provide for them.Because there were some days we didn't do
three meals or I for sure didn't, you know. And he was like,
I'm not telling you what to do, but you know you're over thirty
now, and so the longer youwait to go actually try to get a

skill and get a job, theharder it's going to be for you when
you get older to try to providefor these kids. Upside the time,
authors say to write what you know, which is why he remains unpublished.
How can you know nothing about anything, Alan Cox? It was absolutely nothing.

On one seven w MMS. Billis out, Chris tie is in
good afternoon for the Day TV tYe if you want to follow him on
social media or just you know,peek in and say hi, just stop
in by over his summer sabbatical.That Crafted fest that you just did the
spot for, Yeah, I justlooked up their website. That looks really
cool. And I'll tell you wewere just talking the break about Asheville,

North Carolina. Yeah, this areais beloved by beer brewers like you go
and travel East Ohio. Yeah,It's like when I look at this list
of who's going to be at thisfestival, it's like I would put up
our beer scene against almost any point, isn't Cleveland just taught that list of
breweries in the country, like themost four or something. Is that what

it was? Yeah, because Ashevilleis way into that too. I felt
that, I mean I kind ofwas into beer and then I kind of
left beer, and then we wenton this trip to Asheville, which is
a big brewery area, and I'mkind of back into beer again. And
it also reminds me that when Itravel like you, even you go to
Chicago, go you know, goto Nashville, go to Chicago, go
to Indianapolis, go to Pittsburgh.Food wise, we are as good,

or maybe not as good as NewYork obviously, but like, I'll go
out to dinner a nice restaurant ina town like Nashville or something like,
I have better meals back at homeall the time. The time last time
we were in La we went tothis place called Bestia, which was this
hot. This was probably a yearor so ago, and it was this
new restaurant. It was in thewarehouse. Did you know they're trying to

get people to live in downtown La. Yeah. And so we went to
this place called Bessie. We gotthis, got lucky, got this table,
and it was just everybody's talking aboutthis place, and it's like you
want to be seen there, andblah blah blah, and we all want.
We were a couple of friends ofours and we walked out going I've
literally had better food in Cleveland,you know, which is no shock.

But you figure someplace. It wassome some chef that I had never heard
of before, But that doesn't meananything. He'd come from some other big
restaurant, sure, And I waslike, boy, did not live up
to now. You can't necessarily judgefrom one meal might have been might have
been off that night whatever, butwe were like, for as expensive as
it was and as highly regarded,I was like, Nope, that was

not anything I'd ever go back to. There was a time not that long
ago, maybe five years ago,or I always felt like if I wanted
to get a really there was There'sbeen you know, the RockA Whalens of
the world, and the Michael Simon'sof the world, and the Jonathan Sawyers
who like you know, the Marqueepeople. The Mount Rushmore of Cleveland has
been around a while, but usedto be had to kind of leave town
to go get a really special meal, a really nice, good service,

good food together, which is sometimesnot always always findable. But it's just
like I have the best dieting experiencesanywhere in the country right here. It's
amazing. It's just you have tosometimes you got to look at it from
thirty thousand freet feet and really reappreciatewhat we have. Sure, you know,
whenever people are visiting, because Iused to work, I used to
bart in downtown and You're like,oh, what should we do here?

And I'd always find myself listing offreally like it was all food and beverage,
Like, hey, if you reallywant to kill her cocktail, go
to a B and C if youwant this type of food, And like
is there anything? I'm like,oh, there's museums and stuff. But
it's right. Hey, Tom,Yeah it's going on, Tom, not
too much, buddy, how areyou? I like to say hello to

Christy and Mary also right, Hey, I was just calling a tell Mary.
I love Whitney. I absolutely loveher. I do. Man.
When Bill was laughing so hard ather, I had to pull my truck
over. I would laughing so hard. Well, I don't want you to

question your call, and I thinkso, Please be safe when you're driving
and always always buckle up, alwaysdo But I was laughing so hard.
My wife loves or hates the show, I should say, and she's never
heard you do it, and sheshould be on away home. And if
you could just bring out a littlebit of Brittany tonight before you guys sign

off, Brittany really makes it movefor a lot of these guys. Listen,
you better be careful. I thinkthat it's I don't know, if
it calls back something in their past, maybe like their first crush. Maybe
Britney's woman you kissedings you didn't evenknow you had. Yeah, you gotta
be careful. They might like Brittanymore than they like you. I've had

people like text me or Jammy onInstagram and Twitter like do a full show
as Brittany, and I'm like thatthat would be exhausted. It was a
long way. Yeah, it wouldbe exhausting for you. Yeah. When
Bill said that he thought that Britney'svoice was sexy, I laughed so hard
because I think it is because ofher. Britney's anisuit. And people attach

their own stuff to Brittany. Thisis what they do. They really put
their own things. That's right.She is an empty vessel which will take
the shape of whatever you pour intoher. What I well, stay safe
out there, Tom, keep itbetween the ditches, all right, take
your time. All right, thankyou. There's Tom, first time caller

and what motivated him to call forthe very first time when he took his
call Virginity. Yeah, that's whathappened this show call Virginity. It is
now. Yeah, I like firsttime. I remember we did a show
with nothing but first time callers.That was a while ago. Yeah,

we did a first time caller show. Those are good times. Oh boy,
Alan, My family is all inthe car with me right now.
We're heading to the airport to begina long trip. Let's say I'm inappropriate,
like what I don't know, butstuff. No, they said we
were. I'm going to make along trip to Perth, Australia. That's

a long trip plus is well thistime? That's right? What's in Perth
Australians A kangaroos? I'm aware?Uh huh. I just want to know,
like what makes them go to Perthinstead of like Sydney. I don't
know. Maybe it was a maybethey've got family and it was a cheaper
flight. I don't know, Brisbane, Brisbane. They certainly got the right

side of the plane. You'll seethe Grand King and I on our long
trip to Perth, Australia. Likeyour mind, everybody that you have a
lot of choices in the choice ofairlines, like to thank you for flying,
not Sydney Airlines. So can Iget another Lacroix? Shut up,
sir, Please talk to your fartoo old and far too underpaid flight attendant

that information, wouldn't you? Canyou imagine that you talked to me like
that? He's supposed to be thepilot. You've got nineteen hours in front
of us until we touchdown in Perth. As always would like to thank you
for not for crashing. Yeah,sorry, I it got away from me
there, you know what. Iwas more excited to do it, and

then when I did it, Irealized I had nothing. I had nothing.
I had nothing. No, thisis something, this is nothing.
You can go back to the cockpit. We could figure this. Yeah,
I know called the cockspit when you'rein there. Uh So anyway, it's
uh no it isn't but nice.I appreciate the Hey listen, hey r

Peter. Grumpy Cat. Yes,if you know your memes and uh you
know, I am as hip asthey come, so I absolutely do.
Uh. Grumpy Cat was, asI understand it, a cat with a
bit of a negative disposition. Hedied at seven years old. That seems

young for a cat. Yeah,my cat's like five. It seems really
young. So if you're familiar withthe grumpy cat meme, this is a
British woman who had a cat.The cat was actually named Tartar Sauce but
became a grumpy Cat meme. Seememes are amazing to me. In that

they're hard to monetize, like youknow you. This is the this is
the crux of any argument about intellectualproperty on the Internet is it's a photo
you've taken that becomes something, butyou don't really anything for it. You
know, you've got to prove thatit's yours, and other people are as
soon as something comes out, otherpeople are making shirts and you've got no
claim to that. What. Idon't know if this woman made money.

I remember when another animal that died. I think is that Pomeranian the world's
cutest dog? Palm or books andshirts and key chains. I think that
lady made money that was like her. Her income was that dog. That's
going to suck too when you domonetize it and that is your primary source
of income, is your stupid internetanimal. And then that animal dies and

you got the legend lives on alanYeah, but the paychecks don't really Yeah,
I think so, Yeah, I'mpretty sure does baby Ruth saying the
sandlot? Some Babe Ruth was inthe sandlot some some some legends ever die.
I'm so disappointed in myself that Idon't know, like pound cakes phrase
that excuses are always there, butopportunities aren't like that. I'm sure it

is. What's your phrase, poundcake, the one you invented that's all
over the internet. I didn't sayI invented it you. You asked where
did I get it from? Isaid, I don't know. I just
said it, like you said,you came up with it in come.
I said, I didn't get itfrom like a quote or anything, like
from some philosopher or something. Buthe said he said it to his college

class or whatever. Yeah, Isaid, excuses will always be their opportunities
won't. And I had to thinkabout like the past speakers that I've said
and advice, and that's what Icame up with. But I didn't say
that. The thinking is, heroesget remembered, but legends never die.
Heroes get remembered legends. It doessound like a movie trailer, you know,

okay, after who plays baby inthe world, right, was small
the guy that killed everybody in thatmovie? Yes, okay, that's why
the phrase you're killing me Smalls wasso so people had the wherewithal to scream
at him as he was killing Yes, you're killing me, and they all
said the same thing to him,and he would toast the mallow over their

burning body. Really, we reallydid that. That movie was honestly a
vision of my childhood. I lovethat movie because I never saw it.
You never seen the sand I rememberhe was It was on the shelf when
I was managing the Blockbuster at Clarkand Wellington there. I I never saw
the Sandlot. You're robbing yourself up? Pure? Did you have the feeling?

I'm not? Did you you should? It's a classic. Did Blockbuster
give you the latitude to have yourown shelf of Allen's picks? We had
picks? Yeah, we would havestaff picks. Would you take it too
seriously? Or was it kind oflike I just got to throw three movies
up here? No? No,no, we each got five, okay,
and if people were interested, becauseit always seemed the concept of that

always seems silly to me, becauseit's like that's predicated on you knowing the
person, trusting their opinion and going, oh, like the Seinfeld episode where
Eline thinks that the guy is recommendingVincent's picks. You know, No,
so I would I would do.They would have like manager's picks. But
then there are other staff and no, I forget the movies that were out

at that time, and then we'retalking nineteen ninety three, nine King maybe
JFK maybe yeah, maybe. Imean Sandlot was came out ninety three,
so we would have had it brandnew on VHS. Good one. I
couldn't even walk yet, you fairlywalk out. What are you talking about?

I missed going to have never sawthe like just going and walking around
like, oh, let's go runa movie. We don't know what we're
gonna picking and walk around you like, look at all of them. Oh,
there's so family video, family videoseverywhere. It's that maybe I'll do
that. So go Sala was theone with the dog in the Yes,
okay, I see like cups hereand there. You should watch it.
I know the small I deserve towatch it. It's cute. It's not

about deserve. It's that I don'twant to see kids play baseball. It's
more more. Yes, there's moreof a storyline than kids playing baby.
You saw it when you were ten, probably I probably watched it last summer.
Okay, when it came out,I was twenty two. So it
didn't have any sway for me,then, sure as hell did any sway
for me? Now right? Careabout the Samlong America. You know,

it's amazing. I'm looking at itbecause I don't know about it. And
the cast. Usually when you havea cast of kids making up a baseball
team for a movie twenty five yearsago, Oh so and so was in
it, now that they bring outnobody, there's no name. Person in
that movie is famous to stand byme, it's like they all got famous.
The River Phoenix who died, andthen Jerry O'Connell's, you know,

big name, and what's his nameis on Star trek Uh, the kid
who's the lead, and stand byme, did you ever see that movie?
I did. I can't remember hisname now, not River Phoenix,
he's dead. Jerry O'Connell. Ialways thought Jerry O'Connell was gay. No,
he's married, to know, buthe just has such a flamboyant about

him. I always thought he wasgay. But he's in something that we're
watching now, Billions or something likeand he Will Wheaton, Will Wheaton.
That was it. Corey Feldman,Yeah, I mean that was like four
for four. Yeah, you knowCorey Feldman asterisk but four for fours.
Oh he did that weird song,didn't he? Corey On the Today show

yea, yeah, you gotta gofor it. And he's the one that's
trying to He's screaming to every MilthaelJackson and Michael Jackson touched me. And
he's trying to do a documentary andamazingly nobody wants to fund it. He
looks like a knockoff Charlie Sheen.Well, but the fat kid in the
sandlot is like a lawyer now inLa he grew up to he's not in
the business anymore. The kid redheadwith the freckles or whatever. But Dennis
Leary and Karen Allen were the parentsin that movie. Really do you remember

that guy's uncomfortable to look at.Oh, James Earld Jones. But yeah,
these are people who were not thekids though, right right, he
was just the other cute little kidbecame governor of Alabama. Yeah, it
didn't begin. Yeah, went ontoa huge career behind Yeah Will Wheaton,
who would pop up on Big BangTheory. I believe really self from time
to time. He was in aStar Trek remake too. I think he
was Wesley Crusher. He was inthe Next Generation YEP, which I enjoyed.

That was the Jean Luke picard iterationof that, and I think that
they're bringing that back. But WillWheaton's very funny on social media too,
He's very self relicating. And yeah, Alan, I'm a forty six year
old woman. You should watch theSandlot, right, But again, a
forty six year old woman, Imean you whatever, Do you trust her

shelf? Is the question. Idon't know who she is, and I'm
not even saying you should trust myshelf. I gotta tell you the movies
on Allen's Picks, they were veryrarely brought up to me to check out.
So I should tell you something,right, I was up there with
the you know, twenty two moviesabout Glenn Gould or whatever. I just
put the stuff that I liked upthere. That's the whole idea. Yeah,

so I'm a vim vendor's nerd.What do you want from me to
your hrides? And yeah, that'sall mom. What's behind those saloon doors?
Oh we didn't have that. Wevery famously didn't have that. Yeah,
Blockbuster was very and a lot ofpeople said that in the waning days
of Blockbuster that that's what hurt themis that they wouldn't do porn Because I

think Family Video has some adult selections. I don't know. If I don't
know, well, it is calledfamily video. I think they might have
some like Cinemax type stuff. Yeah, yeah, I don't think that they
have. They don't have a backwardThere were some chains that would have a
back room that you would go intoand there'd be movies about chains and witness
and yeah, all of that.Yeah. Uh, but no, we

didn't. We didn't cott into thepornography. Well, you know, the
famous story is that Netflix was offeredthemselves to be bought by Blockbuster and they
go, no, yeah, no, no, no, brick and mortar
is where it's at. Oh,I don't remember that. They could have
bought it for like forty or fiftymillion dollars? Did it? Blockbuster try

to do their own like service rightbefore they were red box issue. They
did because I remember my my auntgot like a new TV. It had
a Blockbuster button. I was like, Wow, where'd you get this?
How often do you use it?She's like, I've never touched it.
I was like, what does itdo? So I'm hitting it, I'm

tapping it. Nothing's popping up,Like is it broke in? She's like,
I've never touched. So if it'sbroken. It came like that,
but it's called something now. Itused to be Blockbuster on Demand and then
like Dish TV bought it, soit's called something if you hit that button.
You guys were Blockbuster fans, notHollywood Video. Yeah, they didn't
have Hollywood Video. Where I wasat, they had a big Hollywood Video.
Oh. I was like, no, okay, that was I think

it's just because that one was closerto our house that we always went to
Hollywood Video instead of Blockbuster. Andthe only reason why it sticks out in
my brain is wh I would playcrash Bandicoot and he would get hit.
The little guy would go oh,and we would I say, oh,
Hollywood Video. But I don't knowwhat's wow. That is an embedded memory
in someone's brain. When I livedcity, there's very famously eight, an

old, empty, decrepit Hollywood videoat like Lorraine and something, Yeah,
like twenty eight that they have tried. It's gonna be. It's empty.
I'd bite by it all the time. But he's still say they want to
put a McDonald's there. Right fora brief shining moment, they said they
were going to put a McDonald's.They said it'll bring jobs, and all
the hipsters in Ohio City flipped theirwigs and said, way, you don't

want McDonald's. Record, there's aWindy's right there. Well not just that,
but it's like, if they're goingto bring jobs, put a friggin
McDonald donald's there, right, Otherwiseyou'd rather have what a blighted corner than
a McDonald's. No, I'm sayinglike with their argument is no fast food,
no, no, no. Theirargument was we don't want some chain
in Ohio City. It's like,oh, go down twenty fifth, bro,

you know, I mean, comeon, there's a Wendy's right there.
So that argument is when I movedto Tremont in like two thousand and
five, I would go to thatHollywood video and rent movies. And I
was biking by it not that longago, and I was thinking to myself,
man, that's like a rotary dialphone technology. Look back. Oh
yeah, it's like I haven't steppedfoot in a video store, right.

I mean I can't even tell you, like, because I think for a
while those became like game games orsomething. Game yeah, game stop,
that's what it was. But Ithink that might have closed, like right
before we moved to Ohio City.Yeah, but it's been closed ever since.
Oh yeah, I wonder now thatall the video stores are closed,
Like do people still buy whips oflicorice that are two feet long or like

those tubs with the pop already embeddedin the bottom that you put in the
popcorn, like the things you'd buyin the in the checkout impulse line.
Yeah. But I think video stores, the existing ones have become retail wise
like movie theaters in that they havetons of food and other things there.
It's like you could go grocery shoppingand a family video. We like the

bags of cotton candy, sure,the little like do you know what I'm
talking about? And then there werejust little puffs and they're like bite sized
cotton can and you own need alittle debbie. You know. In a
lot of parts of the country,those things have become marijuana dispensaries because it's
like, hey, someone is completelyvanquished, and now look what we need
to be put on street corners.Yeah, it's kind of one of those

things that Ohio has tiptoed its wayinto it. But when it becomes fully
commercial, which is going to bejust a matter of time for recreational I
would think, you know, years, Yeah, that will be the sort
of thing that maybe those folks whoown that family video or that Hollywood video,
well, hey, let's hold we'llhold on it. And not only
that, but if those video storesclose down they become dispensaries or whatever,
they can just keep the concession racksin there and let's just move the product

back there, but all the snackswill be up here in the front.
I posted that on my Instagram storya couple of weeks ago whenever or last
week when I was in Michigan,a family video said, like CBD products
sold here. So it's like they'realready doing it. This is that new
kind of low key FM radio sound, kind of subdued, relaxed radio shows.

I don't know that I've I've activelynoticed the mood swings more so than
this time especially. I don't knowwhy. It's not like that time of
the month or anything showing say anything. Right now, I got syphilis and

herpes and I'm on my purious Soinstead of like occasionally bitchy Erica, uh,
we're going to get constantly bitchy Erica. I think you should just eat
your goddamn food. I'm trying,not right. Just get a bigger wedding
dress. Is that a big deal. We'll photoshop it down to make you
look skinny. It's not a problem. I want to saraha, not bitchy.
Eric. Do you ever have aconversation with someone though, and it
turns it goes south and you're justlike, whoa, that's not yes,

every day from three to seven,I do. No. I just mean
when you're talking to someone about somethingand then you you just get an attitude
and you're like, when did thistake a turn? Why? Why are
we almost arguing? No? Okay, just me all right? Not right?
No, I've anybody, I'm rightthere with you. Well that's how

all your conversations go. Yeah,all my conversations go that way. Why
you're getting why are we arguing?I'm not arguing. I'm pointing something out
because I disagree with you. Mywife tells me that I don't know how
to argue. I go no,Just nobody argues at my level. That's
different, and that makes it realhappy. It makes it real happy when
I say that, I go,no, we just argue differently, and

I don't know why I'm supposed toargue the way you do, rather than
you arguing the way I do.Why am I the one who is supposed
to adjust how I argue? Well, yeah, there's a way to figure
it, to work around it.But I know the buttons to push for
ian, and I know to notpush those anymore. So I just don't,
you know, I just I knowexactly what I could say at every

argument we have. Yeah, butI'm get on your skin. I just
don't see I'm I'm I'm not likea button pusher though in that sense,
because my wife is generally awesome.She's sweet, and she's smart, and
she doesn't she's not a bitch topeople, whereas I have a whole many,
many years of being awful. Soit's really easy to grab something from

my life and throw it in myface. Yeah, and I don't have
that with her. I can't go, well, what about when you right
right? Yeah, Well that doesn'tmake you a better Well that's not what
I'm not illustrating that. But you'reas much ammo as she does. Well,
but don't I don't want ammo.I'm just saying people need to People
have a hard time restricting the argumentto what you're arguing about. True,

that's all I want to do.Right, So if we're arguing about something,
you bringing up something from a longtime ago has no bearing on this
unless it's in context. Right,Well, that we're not arguing, we're
not talking about that. You're followingthe rules of actual arguments or debate logic.
Yes, yes, that's not howwomen argue, but when I find

debate that is. But that ismy point. You're exactly right, But
that is my point. Why amI supposed to adjust the rules of logic
because that's how they win arguments.There's no logic involved. Yeah, because
it's an emotional response. That's nota win. Respect that's not a win.

It's a loss either, and that'swhat they know. They know it's
going to either end in a tieor someone you're going to forfeit and they
win by default because we're not screamers, we don't yell at each other.
Yeah. And they always tell youif you're in a long term relationship ship,
learning how to argue is a reallyimportant thing. Like, we don't
really don't argue that often. Whenwe do, it usually ends with her
going, I don't want to talkto you. Anymore, don't talk to
me. I don't want to talkto you, Yeah, because I'll get

her all worked up or whatever.I'm like, that's how I end the
show every day for me. Ineed Yeah. I think once Ian and
I figured out that we just ifwe cool off before we talk, then
we're fine. Then it's like,oh, it doesn't even matter what we're
arguing about anymore. See she's email, you know, She's like, I
don't maybe I don't feel like sinkingto your level. Except that's fine,

But I know it's not sinking.I'm not down there. But see,
but if you say you're up there, I think that sinks you down to
the bottom. It doesn't know ifyou go and if you're in an argument
you're like, oh, I'm abovethis. I you know, I'm sorry
you're not arguing at my level.That's actually putting you back down because that's
not what I'm saying. Though,that's not what I'm saying. I don't

ever go into an argument like that. What I'm saying is all I want
is to restrict it to what theactual facts of the current argument are.
That's not you know what I mean. That should actually make it easier for
both people involved. They go,rather than this giant vat of things we
could randomly pull at, let's keepit to what we're talking about. Girl

are going to do For whatever reason, women get really mad when you consistently
tell them to try and focus.But it's not. It's not or when
you go sh yes, when youlaugh at them, I don't get it.
What am I doing right now?Fire burning inside me? Just hearing
that when you get shushed? Yeah, oh boy, yeah. But that's

the thing is like, sometimes youget into an argument and it's not necessarily
about what triggered the argument. It'sabout all these different issues that are backlogged,
and then they want to get itat. That's fine, but let's
take each one I got all night. Let's take each one. Let's write
them down, and then we cango through them point by point. But
don't because then you don't know whatyour arguing about. You don't know where

you went. That's my favorite kindof arguing, because then you just,
you know, you just give upand then have the makeup sex, and
that's when it gets good. Iguess I'd rather like if I like the
random, angry, nonsensical arguing justto get to the nonsensical banging. I
mean, my thing is if I'mgoing to expend the energy to argue,
and if the other and if she'sgoing to I don't even have enough energy

to argue. And you got oneof those bits that uh attracts your energy.
I need an arguing fitbit. Now, the energy that any person expends
to argue with another person. We'regonna do that. Let's solve some things.
Not just I don't need to argueto have sex with my wife.
No I don't either, But Imean I just like it when it happens,

I'd say, skip the argument,just go right to the bank.
That's usually what I'm trying to do, right. So, yeah, sneak
attacker today and get derailed by someunfortunate news. No, no, get
into it. But it was justlike one of those things where you,
yeah, I had a plan.I was going to enact this plan.
You know, some girls like tobe brought flowers. I was gonna bring

her an orgasm. Uh and uhget there and she's she's on the phone
with someone else, and like she'slike, give me the the just a
minute, fingers. I'm like,like, you know, approaching you were
gonna give her the just a minutefinger but with both my hands, and
she gave it to you. Andyeah, she was just on the phone
with a friend then and they likehorrible, horrible news, and after she

got off them and she's like,yeah, I was just talking to something
and so this terrible thing happened.I was like, well, that ruins
my whole plan because I have sadsex or something. You know. No,
no, there's no sad sex withwith this news. Like this level
of sad news couldn't justify sad sex, brief sex or frustration sex. There

was like, nope, sex isoff the table based on everything that just
happened. Just a boner killing thescenario because I would imagine that guys will
try to rationalize any type of sex. Yes, it was a real cheft
softener. I've never been like amakeup sex guy, and I kind of
I'm bummed about that. I justdon't know that I'm wired that way.

Like when people go all right,fine, then you know, clothes on.
I'm not a makeup sex dude.Sometimes I don't clean the house just
so she gets mad at me sowe can have sex. Yeah I don't.
Yeah, No, I'm not becauseI'm like, if we're arguing and
I'm still and we haven't resolved anything, don't you think she's sad when she's
angry though, Like doesn't that shealways is right? But it'sn't like an

added like she's fiery, Like no, because we don't yell, we don't
throw things. I mean that's likemy ex wife used to throw things at
me and with her either. Mywife is an angry funny so I like
that. Like she'll say something like, well, we're arguing, she'll say
something that makes me laugh and thenI'm like, oh, yeah, I
like this and that's that. Yeah, but everybody's got throw laughing at me

when I'm argue with them, thatis that's the worst. Well, if
you're trying to make them laugh oryou're being so ridiculous that they know it's
funny, it's it's yeah, Imean, there's so many different fist fighting
or anything. We're we're we're prettyridiculous when we argue because I'm a crazy
person and she knows that, andI'm making her into a crazy person because

she has to deal with me,and we just do what we do.
It's working good. Listen, everybody'sgot their own everyone everyone has their own
mechanism that makes that work. Yeah, I'm still irritated, Like I need
that, I need the time tojust like still be over it. That's
what I'm saying, Like I thinki'm that's the way I am, Like,

I'm not feeling horny when I'm whenI'm arguing about something. Yeah,
I'm kind of like one of ushas to emerge triumphant from this. Does
they not be in the middle ofit? And I'll go, put seriously,
you can do that. Yeah,that's what you should be, like,
I'm right, I'm right, I'mright, I'm right. And he's
like, yeah, you're right,you're right. Region don't sound Yeah,

he would definitely agree with me onwhatever point I brought up in the middle
of that. Yeah, he makesa good point too. That's the class
break. I didn't jumping out thewindow the things. I had a lot
of things thrown at my head duringmy first marriage, so I did a
lot of ducking. Man, whatare you gonna do? My wife will

kind of push the I was gonnasay, I don't really have too many
buttons, but she'll do the don'ttalk to me like one of your listeners
like, oh do hang up onher? Oh, good for you.
I had the little box with me. Take that. Now I must leave
you as the Brady Bunch is onand I find four of those children incredibly

arousing. Get out of here.Careful of what you say, careful in
every way, Be careful of whatyou do. Big Brother is watching you.
Be circumspect and discreet. Stay lighton your mental feet. One slip

and you know you're through. BigBrother is watching you, and all with
our narratives. Remember, oh,it is paid. And when you watch
that davy screens, remember it worksboth ways. You disappear in a wink.

Unless you can double think, you'llvanish into the blue. Big Brother
is watching you.
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