SOME OF THE ALAN COX SHOW 4/7

The Alan Cox Show

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
The Federal Communications Commission has determined the following content to
be emotionally harmful.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Funny Things that you think is funny aren't funny.

Speaker 3 (00:11):
Jimmy coxbot the time, you do a lot of.

Speaker 4 (00:14):
Me, Allan Coxshow, kickslash man, Welcome.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
Welcome, show me.

Speaker 5 (00:18):
What's you go?

Speaker 2 (00:19):
I can see a lot of cocks on TV. Allen
Cox from me, Allan.

Speaker 1 (00:22):
Coxhow I don't know what's about you?

Speaker 4 (00:24):
By can? This will be a grave.

Speaker 2 (00:28):
So let's take it cos ticket and you'll just take
it with a safety group.

Speaker 5 (00:33):
Okay, what do three? Kick it?

Speaker 2 (00:37):
Tom Goddam?

Speaker 5 (00:38):
Put you one time ticket?

Speaker 4 (00:40):
What do.

Speaker 6 (00:42):
Collen Cox?

Speaker 2 (00:43):
Here we go, He'll add, he'll be fine.

Speaker 5 (00:44):
It's the Allen Cox Show on one hundred point seven.
Double you and the mask.

Speaker 4 (00:52):
I've noticed.

Speaker 2 (01:02):
There we go.

Speaker 3 (01:02):
Oh no, And I've noticed the kind of a heartbreaking
trend of Rob being down on himself and the way
his body looks. I don't want to sound like some
hippie dippy bull shrimp, but considering the assault, men and
women are constantly bombarded with what's handsome and beautiful and
hearing how Rob would quote never dream to where summer

(01:25):
hoochy Daddy shorts would rob and by chance, even you
ever consider doing a do Dwar photo shoot. Wow, I've
already been naked on camera in front of people that
I work with. Okay, I've already I've already earned my
bona fides.

Speaker 4 (01:43):
Yeah, and that's someplace we're not going to be equal.
So you'll continue to have those bona fides and I
will not.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
I was buck naked in a Alan Cachho comedy tour
promo years ago.

Speaker 2 (01:52):
I did see that. I mean jumped out of the car.

Speaker 3 (01:54):
I got out of the car buck naked. Yeah, we
were doing a hangover parody. That's how long ago. Oh
that was bare ass, bare ass baby. Leslie says she
did a Boo Doir photo shoot several years ago and
it really helped her develop and appreciation for her body
and all the things that have made her feel horrifically insecure.

(02:17):
My thing is just that the best way to get,
the only way out is through right.

Speaker 2 (02:22):
I've never met a nude beach I didn't like.

Speaker 3 (02:28):
She said, I know a man who did a Due
Dwar photo shoot is a gift to his wife, and
she absolutely loved it. How about that, Leslie's concerned about
you being so down on yourself. Well, that's really nice.

Speaker 4 (02:40):
But unfortunately she's not the first, nor will she be
the last person to be concerned about I'm down on myself.

Speaker 2 (02:45):
I am, That's just me.

Speaker 3 (02:46):
Have you ever had the conversation with your wife about
a du dwar photo?

Speaker 2 (02:51):
Absolutely not.

Speaker 3 (02:55):
George Costanza on the chaise lounge. Yeah, on the fainting couch.

Speaker 4 (03:00):
There's just certain things that I'm very I'm amazingly self aware, right,
I understand what I'm carrying here. Right, I'm not the
ugliest fellow on the planet. I'm not the most fat,
not a shape guy on the planet. But I am
just ugly and fat, not a shape enough that I
don't want to.

Speaker 2 (03:20):
Be naked around.

Speaker 4 (03:21):
But what if you got yourself in shape for the
sole purpose of doing a do dwar photo shoot for
your wife? Listen if I almost yeah, my wife, listen,
she has to live next to it. You think she
wants to see pictures of it too. Here, honey, here's
a gift of me.

Speaker 7 (03:35):
Uh and.

Speaker 3 (03:37):
A tub? Yeah, here you go, enjoy. Here's me neck
deep in rose petals.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
Yeah. Look, you're saying. I'm saying that you.

Speaker 3 (03:47):
Like got yourself into like a shape that you liked
and then you had them take it right right.

Speaker 2 (03:52):
That's the end of the line. I get a big
goal and that's but what is what is the what
is she? Why would she want that? I don't know,
I don't know your wife. Why would anybody want that?
Leslie just said a lot of people enjoy it.

Speaker 4 (04:05):
I'm saying as a woman, if that if her as
a woman, if her husband was like, hey, I got
you a gift and she hands him up, and he
hands with this booklet and she opens it up and
there he is with like laying on a bearskin rug
with his ass hanging out. Was like he a little
smile and you know he's dressed up like Cupid for February.
Nobody wants that.

Speaker 3 (04:22):
It's something that she would spere it away in a
night's stand or something that's not going to be on display,
display or not.

Speaker 2 (04:28):
But if you, if you want to see it, you're
laying next to it.

Speaker 3 (04:31):
Leslie says that the woman who got the du Doir
photo shoot from her husband said that she really liked
how it helped him feel good about himself.

Speaker 4 (04:42):
Yeah, I know what's going to happen. Off, Let's say
I go through it right now. I booked this session,
and I.

Speaker 8 (04:48):
Go, you'll go psychostic over can I see the photos?

Speaker 4 (04:52):
I will start screaming at the top of my lungs
about how terrible I look.

Speaker 2 (04:55):
Okay, look at my ass, Holy.

Speaker 9 (04:58):
God, look at all that.

Speaker 4 (04:59):
Look at my fat well, my fat Pelly, my fat ass.

Speaker 2 (05:02):
This is terrible.

Speaker 4 (05:03):
Yeah, but there's power in owning it, leaning in you
know what else, there's power in not.

Speaker 2 (05:07):
Doing that, not putting myself in that situation. All right,
avoid it completely.

Speaker 3 (05:14):
Yeah, it's not worth the chance that she might go,
this is amazing because it would be so counterintuitive, it
would be so against your personality that she go, this
is amazing.

Speaker 4 (05:25):
No, No, I'm literally seeing a side.

Speaker 2 (05:28):
Of you, Rob that I've never seen before.

Speaker 4 (05:30):
She says, that's impossible, Honey, that takes Yeah, she's seen
every side of me possible.

Speaker 2 (05:36):
The poor thing. I need to see photos of it. Wow.
This has been who I am my entire life.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
Now, when you die your beard, it will change overnight. Yeah,
who cares and people will go, oh hey. What makes
people nervous is when they do something to try it out.

Speaker 2 (05:52):
What makes them nervous.

Speaker 3 (05:55):
Is having other people think that they think it looks awesome.
That's what jams people up, rather than just going yeah,
I's trying it out. We'll see you know, people have
shaved their head and I'm just trying.

Speaker 2 (06:07):
It out because I don't know.

Speaker 4 (06:10):
Man, Like I feel, like I mentioned earlier, I'm very
self aware. I feel like if I look at people
sometimes who think that their to pay looks perfectly fine,
right or this is clearly not yours, right, and they
walk around with no concern or whatever, and I'm like

(06:31):
very judging. I'm like, oh my god, dude, you'll make
an a.

Speaker 3 (06:34):
But here's the thing, though, we are expending so much
time in that situation on somebody else and they are
expending zero.

Speaker 2 (06:42):
Right, That's what I mean. That's where I want to get.

Speaker 3 (06:45):
But because that's the joke, Oh he thinks he looks great. No, no, no,
that's what we're projecting onto them. They just don't care
how it looks. But I want to be the ultimate care.
That's the ultimate freedom. Everybody thinks that those people think, oh,
they're kid themselves. They think it looks great, because the
implication is, well, if you thought otherwise.

Speaker 2 (07:02):
You wouldn't wear it.

Speaker 4 (07:04):
With forgetting a lot of people they don't care.

Speaker 2 (07:07):
They don't care.

Speaker 3 (07:08):
To me, somebody were in it to pay is no
different than somebody walking to the store in their pajamas.
It's the same thing. They do not care, and so
why am I going to care? Why care what somebody
else thinks? Obviously it's a it's obviously ever nobody can
get away from that. Of course I care what other
people think, but not strangers. I care what people I

(07:32):
know think. That's where I got it.

Speaker 2 (07:35):
You don't spend too much time on it.

Speaker 4 (07:38):
That's that's my goal. That's what I'm working towards. That's
why I go to therapy.

Speaker 2 (07:43):
Well I do too, but a therapy didn't give me there.

Speaker 3 (07:45):
I mean, it's I don't know, sooner or later, you
just go, What am I wasting all this time for?

Speaker 2 (07:51):
Wondering?

Speaker 3 (07:52):
Because they're not thinking about me my think about them
for they're thinking about me.

Speaker 4 (07:57):
Eh, well, maybe I'll die it, We'll see. I think
you should. I think I'm just so nervous about looking
like an ahole.

Speaker 3 (08:04):
Well again, I shouldn't care. I put together a song,
Rob for your beard. Okay, It's called Rob's Midnight Beer.

Speaker 2 (08:10):
Rob Town with a smile, little man.

Speaker 10 (08:13):
This beer with this black this night, holding in Bostare
and whispered, ain't as.

Speaker 4 (08:20):
Sam but Rob just chuckle.

Speaker 2 (08:22):
Let the games begin?

Speaker 11 (08:26):
Rob?

Speaker 12 (08:27):
What did you do?

Speaker 13 (08:28):
Be shy?

Speaker 2 (08:29):
We all want a song to cold a steer. Now
he's the man with the midnight beer. You're the man
with the midnight beer. I kind of like that come out.

Speaker 4 (08:40):
I'm telling you I could be Hollywood Rob with the
midnight beer.

Speaker 3 (08:44):
Yes, sounds pretty good. I'm all in favor of that.
Maybe I'll just do it because what do you say
in the song? What did AI say that you said
in this song? Let the games begin? Yeah, yeah, it's
gonna be a whole new chapter for me.

Speaker 2 (08:56):
You should do it.

Speaker 3 (08:57):
In fact, before you do the stage announcements for ghost
how long is it that's this Thursday night?

Speaker 2 (09:03):
How long does it take? Will you do it tonight? Hmm?

Speaker 11 (09:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (09:08):
Well, something light, something closer to your actual that's the thing.

Speaker 2 (09:12):
You want to go too dark?

Speaker 14 (09:13):
Right?

Speaker 3 (09:14):
You want something better light than than too light than
too dark. Yeah, you get yourself like a box of
Fairy of forty or something so might Yeah I did,
because you have the goat. You're doing the sat announcements
Ghosts on Thursday Night right, Yeah, yeah, do it Wednesday night,
give it a day to marinate.

Speaker 4 (09:34):
If I'm gonna do it before that, I'll do it tonight.
Oh yes, if I'm gonna do it, I gotta I
gotta convince myself before the end of the data stop
on my way home to pick up some just for men.

Speaker 3 (09:46):
There you go, Yes, Alan, My mom just asked me
if you were transitioning. Yes, I am, and to someone
who would tell your mother to go herself tummy.

Speaker 5 (10:06):
Ellen Cox Show on one hundred.

Speaker 15 (10:12):
Now we come to a very important section, one that
everyone dreads, or is embarrassed.

Speaker 14 (10:18):
By or tries to avoid completely The.

Speaker 4 (10:22):
Allan Cox Show on one hundred point seven w m MS.

Speaker 3 (10:25):
And Billy Gardella is here to watch some of it again.

Speaker 2 (10:29):
How are you good?

Speaker 3 (10:32):
Long long time a few years. Yeah, in Pittsburgh. Back
in Pittsburgh. I think of you as the quintessential Pittsburgh guy.

Speaker 14 (10:39):
Well, I hope that's a good thing. It's a great thing.

Speaker 2 (10:42):
Yes, I know how.

Speaker 14 (10:43):
Well that's going to go over.

Speaker 16 (10:44):
Well, I have a great We can all agree we
hate Baltimore. This can be a nice neutral thing this weekend.
We can all agree we hate Bolton.

Speaker 4 (10:52):
They beat my bears By one plays of my home
team one point less.

Speaker 14 (10:56):
I like the quarterback do I can't beg kid to
have from there? Big Lebowski the yeah a big guy, right,
I like him.

Speaker 4 (11:04):
But you came up in Orlando, like I remember you
were considered an Orlando comedian.

Speaker 5 (11:09):
Yeah.

Speaker 16 (11:09):
Well I'm from Pittsburgh. And then my parents got divorced
because they got divorced, you know, just for their own safety,
and my mom met this douchebag who had a big
idea about opening a construction plant. And where else would
you do that but Florida, that's the do over state.
Of course, he may be the Florida man you read
about in the headlines.

Speaker 14 (11:29):
I don't have.

Speaker 2 (11:32):
Yeah it is.

Speaker 3 (11:33):
So I went down and everything in Orlando is nothing's natural.
It's all constructed everyone. Everything's plastic and this says made
in China.

Speaker 2 (11:39):
But I was.

Speaker 16 (11:40):
I was down there and I started comedy about seventeen
and my open mic group was that you were talking about.

Speaker 14 (11:45):
Brewer was coming up coming here to Cleveland pretty soon.
Great guy.

Speaker 16 (11:50):
But our open mic nights were split between three cities.
It was US, Tampa and West Palm Beach, and we
would kind of rotate you know as MC's and stuff,
and we do each other's open mic night. Open Mic
Night was Brewer me, Tom Rhodes, Tom Rose feature active.

Speaker 14 (12:06):
He wanted to be him.

Speaker 16 (12:07):
Sure at that time, Dan Whitney, who hadn't become Larry.
We had carrat Top, we had Wayne Brady, we had
Darryl Hammond. Those guys weren't all living in Florida, all
living in Florida, most of us most of us in
Orlando at the time, just sitting at Denny's trying to
figure out how we were going to make a buck.

Speaker 14 (12:24):
Doing that was like the last one of the party.

Speaker 3 (12:27):
So how come, like I mean, or even among comedy nerds.
I don't know whether Orlando ever comes up as like
a comedy town, but the people you just rattled off.

Speaker 16 (12:35):
It's like a murderer's room. Well, we have the whole
state though, right we had to. We had to really
overcome a Florida reputation. Like we when we came in.
It was more about pure stand up, but we had
to overcome a lot of the boat axe came out
of Florida, a lot of the you know, a lot
of the fire eating trombone. Those guys came out of Florida.
So when you would tour, they we're just starting to

(12:55):
go Orlando and people to go, huh as.

Speaker 2 (13:00):
Swallowing the swords or something.

Speaker 14 (13:02):
But my humor is definitely Pittsburgh.

Speaker 4 (13:04):
But you, you worked, you were successful before a lot
of people knew who you were.

Speaker 3 (13:09):
By that, I mean, you had popped up in things.
You were a working comic. Mike and Molly obviously took
you to another thing. You and Melissa McCarthy kind of
came up in the same time, like people might have
remembered her from Gilmore Girls or something.

Speaker 16 (13:22):
She was more popular than maybe because of Gilmore Girls,
because she had been Suki the chef on that show.
I had popped up on a really great executive producer,
Greg Garcia was kind enough to put me on a
lot of his shows. He put me on Yesteryear first, Yeah,
and then he put me on My Name is Earl
talking about And then I did some. I did some.

(13:42):
I did a show called Lucky, which was awesome. We
did thirteen episodes. It was met Craig Robinson and John Corbett, okay,
and we got nominated for Best New Comedy, I mean,
and they canceled us a week later, So I was fearful,
always had point forward. Yeah, but I did that, and
I did stuff like I did Desperate Housewives, did s
side the original one and.

Speaker 3 (14:01):
Didn't mean you're always popping outstice.

Speaker 14 (14:03):
Well, what Mike and Molly did.

Speaker 16 (14:04):
I went from from the guy you think I might
be or you've got guy to Mike or Billy they
knew my name after Mike and Mollie. That was like
the that was shooting up into the next level because
before that I was like, do we have we seen
you on TV? Or did you fix our toilet?

Speaker 5 (14:20):
Familiar to man?

Speaker 2 (14:22):
Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 16 (14:24):
So when Mike and Molly took off, it was like
a whole nother That was another level. By the way,
if you don't know my name, Billy Gardell, I was
on Mike and Molly. I played Molly for six successfully
six years.

Speaker 2 (14:34):
The show is on.

Speaker 14 (14:35):
Yeah, man, what to Run? And I think we could
have gone three more, you know, But was.

Speaker 4 (14:40):
It the two of you who were like okay, so
laid out because a year a year after I think
the show premiered, like the next year, she does Bridesmaids
and that's a whole other thing.

Speaker 14 (14:49):
That's not true, you're a comedy nerd. I'm gonna give
you fast, okay.

Speaker 16 (14:52):
Ulissa her friends had invited her to do bridesmaid before
Mike and Molly started. It took about a year, because
it takes about a year turn around on a movie,
you know, to get everything out, it in and reshot
where they want. So Mike, Mike and Molly started and
Bridesmaids had been in the can oh I say it came.
It hit year two and then her star just took

(15:12):
off out of the atmosphere and to her credits, she
remained such a wonderful person.

Speaker 3 (15:18):
Really, I had always heard that you guys got along to.

Speaker 16 (15:24):
Like we just have dinner in New York City, and
it was really cool because she I'm at a level
of fame where you know, I might get a free sandwich,
which I'm finally that's the perfect amount of things for me.
Some people like to ask dumb questions like don't you
wish you had seven movies? I know me, I'm really
grateful for what I have. Sure, I'm grateful for my level.

(15:45):
I keep working in TV. I really enjoy that. I'm
gonna do Young Sheldon next year. I got a little
deal with Netflix, so I like, I'll do my thing.
Melissa was built to be a movie star. I knew
at the moment I met her. But she's there's no
arrogance in her. She's super kind. We got along famously
and it was nice. We went to New York City.
She's good Chicago people. She is man and she holds

(16:07):
on to that. She really holds on to that. And
so we, uh, we had dinner and it was cool
because with her, she has to literally pull up and
there be security.

Speaker 4 (16:15):
Guards and walking in off the nine train, you know
what I mean.

Speaker 16 (16:20):
But when we when we got to the restaurant, people
started to get very excited.

Speaker 14 (16:23):
They're like, Molly, you're having dinner here. So it was
really really cool.

Speaker 3 (16:26):
I always wondered if maybe at some point you and Ben,
her husband, became kindred spirits, because you.

Speaker 16 (16:31):
Know, it's funny. Ben is a sweetheart, and he got
along famously with my wife.

Speaker 11 (16:35):
Man.

Speaker 16 (16:35):
We all, like I said, our whole cast, everybody was
over forty when we hit right, so there wasn't a
lot of that young camera time or anything like that.

Speaker 14 (16:45):
You just know, it was so weird.

Speaker 16 (16:48):
It was like we would be doing rehearsals and we
would go, you know, this line's not I can't land this,
it's not sound funny out I mean, give it to
lou or give it to Melissa. Or Melissa would go, hey,
you hit me with this, like she was out of
her mind, crazy with physicals, like she would go for it.
But it was always about making the show better. We
weren't I think because everybody was ever forty, there wasn't that.
You know, I need a felt hat with green Eminem's

(17:10):
in it. You can only ring a chime to bring
me down to the set. Many of that who played
your mom on the show, Rondi Reid, there is as
as I don't know, I'm old, So I don't know
if this is a bad word these days, but I
say it with the most love and respect. If there
was ever a dame, it is abroad. She is the
greatest man. She is just grounded from the floor up.

(17:32):
She came out of Steppenwolf in Chicago.

Speaker 3 (17:34):
Well when the show started, I thought I remembered her
from Seinfeld, Yes, and I feel that's right. Yeah, but
I felt like they were like Estelle gettying her where
she was a lot younger than she was playing.

Speaker 16 (17:45):
So yeah, right, But She was phenomenal and what lent
to our our chemistry was won Me and Melissa go
along so well. But the guy played Reno, who was
my partner. We were friends ten years before the show happened.
We got canceled on a show ten years previous. They
put us on this detective show called Heist, and they
put us on opposite American Idol. When it was at

(18:08):
its like you could just hear the death drums beating.
We've showed up for work until they finally canceled. It's
me and him state friends. So there's a chemistry there.
And then Louis Stillo and Swuzie, Kurtz and Rondie are
all Broadway Steppenwolf. So these aren't people that are during
rehearsal on their phones. They're working and they're trying to
find those moments and if you aren't at that level,

(18:30):
you're going to get it handed to you, but in
a very healthy way.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
And Katie makes it come up through stuff so fun.

Speaker 16 (18:35):
Yeah, Carnegie Mellon and Katie could read the phone book
and it's fine.

Speaker 2 (18:38):
She went to see him. Yeah, so she was in
that hell or high water for a minute.

Speaker 14 (18:43):
She's a great actress.

Speaker 16 (18:44):
Yeah, like I said, so we had this really like
everything happened the right way after twenty five years. It
was really because we stepped into Jim Burrows directed us.
You know, Jim Burrows directed Taxi and Cheers and Friends
and Will and Grace and so, and he usually only
stays about ten episodes and then he takes off to
the next thing. He stayed with us for two years,
and then we had Chuck Lourie, who's the Norman Layer

(19:06):
of this generation.

Speaker 17 (19:07):
Right.

Speaker 16 (19:07):
We were on CBS and we were produced by Warner Brothers,
So I mean, it couldn't have gone the stars aligned
more right. The only thing that got screwed up is
in that final year. And you know, the Internet loves
to make up reasons why the show was canceled. They
say she lost too much weight. And then there was
an inquirer that was great that I saved. That is
a picture of me yelling on stage and then her
crying and one of her.

Speaker 2 (19:27):
Movies each other.

Speaker 11 (19:34):
Yeah.

Speaker 16 (19:34):
The day that came out, me, her and her mom
were having lunch in Boston because I was performing there
and she was doing the Heat. So I brought that
to lunch. I said, we can't eat together. Look at this, So.

Speaker 4 (19:46):
You got to make sure they get a picture of
you guys, like holding hands or looking very nice.

Speaker 14 (19:50):
They're gonna do whatever they do me.

Speaker 16 (19:52):
And the bottom line is Warner Brothers and CBS couldn't
quite come to agreement on property ownership.

Speaker 14 (19:58):
I think one wanted more whatever. People make more money
than me.

Speaker 16 (20:01):
Are gonna never tell me that answer, but that's kind
of what happened. They decided we're in syndication, you're on.

Speaker 4 (20:07):
That's one of the things too, is like it's a
double edged sword because you have a successful show if
it lasts long enough to go into syndication, but then
you have more parties who kind of aret not you guys,
but I mean probably people Flora, but yeah, we're out
for kind of their own.

Speaker 16 (20:21):
Want to get a little more of this. Yeah, this
wasn't the agreement and I'm not giving that. And so
that happens.

Speaker 4 (20:26):
It's all the Billy Gardell merch all that, you know, the.

Speaker 16 (20:29):
Dolls as big as they It's a shame because her
star was so hot. I mean, to have a movie
star who's grounded and wants to do your show, I mean,
she wanted to stay.

Speaker 2 (20:43):
Make it work, yeahsable.

Speaker 3 (20:44):
She could have bolted right away mediately, and she stayed
with us.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
Do you want to watch me possibly vomit?

Speaker 11 (20:49):
Do you?

Speaker 14 (20:49):
I will take part one and two have reached the age.

Speaker 2 (20:53):
There is well, these aren't boosts, still reach.

Speaker 14 (20:56):
The age of reason. But I will watch you guys.

Speaker 16 (20:58):
Because I've been listening on the way.

Speaker 3 (21:04):
I know it's all disgusting stuff. So there's nothing, uh.

Speaker 14 (21:07):
That doesn't look great?

Speaker 18 (21:08):
No?

Speaker 11 (21:09):
All right?

Speaker 16 (21:09):
So shoot anything creamy it looks like you were in
a wing place and it just stayed on the table
a little too long. Anything that builds a crust over
the top, you probably shouldn't shoot.

Speaker 2 (21:23):
Alright, Bill gets to take a shot a tune. We're
just gonna count.

Speaker 17 (21:35):
As one, alright, don a number one is called the
blow chunks job.

Speaker 19 (21:45):
All right?

Speaker 14 (21:45):
Should I move?

Speaker 16 (21:46):
Should we move to the other room where he doesn't?
I mean, I feel he's behind glass?

Speaker 11 (21:52):
What do you got?

Speaker 14 (21:53):
All right? What do you got?

Speaker 4 (21:58):
She'll tell me?

Speaker 2 (21:59):
What does it smell like? The worst part? It doesn't
smell like anything.

Speaker 3 (22:04):
I can't suss anything.

Speaker 14 (22:07):
Oh, you're a brave man. You're a brave man.

Speaker 2 (22:15):
Was that that was evaporated milk?

Speaker 18 (22:18):
Oh?

Speaker 11 (22:19):
God?

Speaker 3 (22:20):
It had like a milky finish to it or something,
But I can't tell what.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
I don't know what evaporated milk is, but it comes
in a can. Didn't taste evaporated want milk powder, isn't it?

Speaker 16 (22:36):
I don't know, can't And I can't figure that idea
that sounds like a Seinfeld episode is evaporated mouth.

Speaker 2 (22:45):
I can't.

Speaker 4 (22:45):
Yeah, okay, well I got some.

Speaker 3 (22:51):
I've got some Jamaican soda back here, just as a
palate cleanser.

Speaker 4 (22:54):
And he went down.

Speaker 2 (22:59):
At least Do you want to stand why he's doing
all this?

Speaker 14 (23:01):
Because no, I just attended about an hour ago. All
I heard was gross shots.

Speaker 2 (23:05):
Yeah, I'm interested.

Speaker 20 (23:07):
So we do this thing every year called the polar
Blast Battle, and whoever wins.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
A tub race we go out to yeah.

Speaker 20 (23:15):
And whoever wins is absolved from a punishment. Everybody else
decides on a punishment. They had to do so pound
cake or phone screen over there, he had to do
a shot caller, he had to wear it the whole
day and there.

Speaker 14 (23:26):
Caller, where you have you guys have the control. I
had the control because.

Speaker 2 (23:30):
I want the winning team.

Speaker 14 (23:31):
It was uh.

Speaker 20 (23:32):
He wore the entire show and then I just shocked
him throughout the show and it's I'll send you the
the mashup.

Speaker 14 (23:38):
We cut every shot that happened for.

Speaker 2 (23:41):
Ten minutes long.

Speaker 14 (23:42):
Can you remember it.

Speaker 9 (23:44):
Was torture and like it was just they took pure
advantage of.

Speaker 2 (23:48):
It was hilarious torture.

Speaker 20 (23:51):
So then uh, Erica next week is doing a vertical
spray tand so half her body's gonna be spray tan.
It was just gonna stay regular and we have one
half and half yeah yeah, and then I have.

Speaker 2 (24:02):
To wear that to one of our biggest events of
the year.

Speaker 14 (24:05):
You're gonna look like one of the X Men just
didn't make it.

Speaker 17 (24:08):
I'm just gonna like only pose to the side the
entire day.

Speaker 2 (24:12):
Yeah, you're right, no matter what a good side.

Speaker 20 (24:15):
And then Alan is doing his right now it's the
shots way Yeah, by the way, well, I mean we
would have done it earlier, but Eric was out for
a little while with a medical issue, so now we're
probably stuff.

Speaker 2 (24:27):
Yeah yeah.

Speaker 20 (24:28):
And then mine was if I won, but I was
supposed to get a perm but then I made an
agreement and I'll.

Speaker 14 (24:33):
Show you the pictures.

Speaker 20 (24:35):
Yeah, I made an agreement that if I had an
album come out in February that if it got to
number one on iTunes, I'd get the perm anyway. So
I had a perm for like two months, and I'll
show you it ended up being much sexier than you
might imagine that. So are you able to because you're
a dad?

Speaker 5 (24:52):
I am?

Speaker 16 (24:53):
How old is your favor? My kid is not a
dirt ball. It is my I'm more proud of that
than anything on God's A fifteen fifteen fifteen. No Trouble
follows the rules. The complete opposite of me, Yeah, the
complete opposite.

Speaker 2 (25:07):
You were what you came up in the Swiss Mill?

Speaker 14 (25:09):
Where are you from? Swiss Flash?

Speaker 2 (25:11):
That's fantastic.

Speaker 14 (25:13):
You look like you're covering a Michael Bolton record cover.

Speaker 2 (25:16):
Wow, yeah, I think so.

Speaker 16 (25:18):
You know what though, you kind of got that the
guy in Deadpoole. You look a little like the guy.

Speaker 2 (25:23):
Was this the guy that just said me to Yeah
he is in trouble, Yeah, got in trouble. He got trouble.

Speaker 20 (25:28):
He called into a uh to act Yeah, so no
one knows how to act here with a little more
uh that yeah yeah song that detect to do that,
it only took about an hour, but it Uh, I
had it for about two months.

Speaker 14 (25:43):
It doesn't look terrible on you. You're not gonna lie.

Speaker 2 (25:45):
It wasn't.

Speaker 14 (25:45):
It wasn't the worst thing. The beard works with it. Yeah. Yeah,
the bear that looks like that looks like a lot
of trouble in the morning.

Speaker 20 (25:52):
It actually was really easy to maintain because it's there's
nothing you can do to it.

Speaker 14 (25:55):
It's just that I'm knowing to judge I had dreadlocks
at one point.

Speaker 2 (25:59):
Good for you, white boy drives. Those are the best, right, Yeah.

Speaker 14 (26:01):
How much? I told you? We started in Florida.

Speaker 4 (26:04):
Yeah, so your kid's fifteen and he's so far he's
buy the book.

Speaker 14 (26:09):
He's great, man, he's uh. I told my wife.

Speaker 16 (26:11):
You know, my wife always goes, don't you wish you
would have had siblings? I'm like, well, let's pull up
the numbers on that.

Speaker 14 (26:16):
Let's let's look.

Speaker 2 (26:17):
At how many sh more chances for them to be
a dick.

Speaker 16 (26:19):
We've had to borrow money too, or we've his brother
has passively aggressively broken your heart on a monthly basis.

Speaker 14 (26:26):
Now, he's fine.

Speaker 3 (26:27):
I go.

Speaker 16 (26:28):
If we had the second one, he'd be running behind
him with scissors trying to kill him.

Speaker 5 (26:31):
Right, I go.

Speaker 16 (26:31):
We did good. We want a Jean pol lottery. He
looks like me, he acts like you.

Speaker 14 (26:35):
We're gold. That's it.

Speaker 16 (26:37):
And I really like he's starting to grab his independence now,
which is good. He wants to go to his friends,
you know, he doesn't he wants to drive, which his
other three buddies do not want to do. I don't
know what the fear of driving with two years none
of them want to drive, Tuber. You don't have to,
they don't want to. It's pretty wild.

Speaker 14 (26:53):
But I'm a little bit of a gearhead.

Speaker 16 (26:54):
So I got a sixty nine cutlass in the garage,
so I think I got nice. He's ready to get
his hands on that.

Speaker 4 (26:59):
Yeah.

Speaker 14 (26:59):
So it's been good though.

Speaker 18 (27:00):
Man.

Speaker 16 (27:01):
You know the thing that's wonderful is he's grabbing for
his independence. He doesn't want to be home on the weekends.
He wants to be with his buddies, which is great.
But he's left me and my wife alone. We've been
together eighteen years. Man, We've got every argument and every conversation.
There's nothing left to.

Speaker 2 (27:18):
Say in our life.

Speaker 14 (27:19):
I don't know if we just come down and circle.

Speaker 16 (27:21):
Each other like gunfighters in Westworld at the beginning of
the morning it's going to go down, but it's got
to go down. And so we're trying to figure out
our place again. And I was talking with my father
not too long ago, and I said, what do you
do now once he starts, you know, disappearing on the
weekends because you got to take her on a date.
I'm like, all right, that's cool, and I've done that.

(27:41):
And here's some mistakes I've made. If you're at that
place with your wife, you got to start dating a
game because the kid's gone keep her mind off that.
If you're a veteran couple fifteen years or better, yeah,
don't date a rookie couple, because a rookie couples in
new love and new love to a veteran couple will
make you want to blow your brains right yeah, and

(28:03):
it'll make you look bad the.

Speaker 14 (28:04):
Whole time of dinner.

Speaker 16 (28:05):
You try not to throw up in your mind because
they're still having those conversations where everything's.

Speaker 2 (28:10):
You like cheese, I like cheese. Geez, let's be bad.

Speaker 14 (28:15):
Just God, kill me right here, hit me with lightning
right now.

Speaker 16 (28:18):
Right So we're waiting through that time in our lives
right now, which which is actually kind of fun.

Speaker 3 (28:23):
I have two teenagers and a top old. Well, my
my kids and my first wife, they are eighteen and fourteen, okay,
and I have a two year old now and my wife. Yeah,
so I'm starting all over right, But it is interesting
to be at opposite ends.

Speaker 16 (28:37):
Yeah, pretty one. Yeah, well, at least you got some.
You got some, you got some experience for the little guys.

Speaker 3 (28:42):
And I'm getting my cardio. There's an old dad, you know.

Speaker 11 (28:44):
What I mean?

Speaker 14 (28:45):
Two year old?

Speaker 5 (28:46):
Yeah?

Speaker 14 (28:46):
Oh yeah, when did you have How old are you now?

Speaker 16 (28:49):
I'm forty seven, forty seve okay, I'm forty nine, and
I had will when I was I don't know, I
think thirty thirty six thirty five. Sure, and you're in
shape at least, dude. I try to get behind him,
and it would just look like a John Candy workout.

Speaker 14 (29:06):
I was like, okay, you know what, let's just play
with the knife. It's fine, here's the right edge.

Speaker 2 (29:11):
Yeah, just point it down, wear me down.

Speaker 11 (29:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 14 (29:13):
I'm so glad that time, is it?

Speaker 21 (29:14):
Well?

Speaker 14 (29:15):
I love that time.

Speaker 4 (29:15):
That's part of it too, is it's like if I'm
an older dad, like I want to do as much
stuff as I can do. Sure, So she's like not
fifteen and going. My dad was always sitting around because
he was you know, he's ninety or whatever.

Speaker 2 (29:26):
Yeah.

Speaker 14 (29:27):
Well that's why I'm trying to finally lose this weight.

Speaker 18 (29:29):
Man.

Speaker 16 (29:29):
I don't want to be that dad who's because you
you can be fat for a long time, but after
fifty you can't be right because if you're fat in
your fifties, that means in your sixties you're going to.

Speaker 14 (29:38):
Be riding one. It does.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
I can't be It speeds everything up.

Speaker 16 (29:43):
I can't be the guy with the flag and the
zappie and the pill problem with a YB normal T shirt.

Speaker 22 (29:47):
I can't.

Speaker 2 (29:49):
Is that your dad?

Speaker 14 (29:50):
No look away dude.

Speaker 2 (29:51):
Yeah, I'm not going to be the van with the rampah.

Speaker 14 (29:54):
I don't want to.

Speaker 3 (29:55):
You don't want any of that.

Speaker 14 (29:55):
I don't want to shut on anybody, so I don't
want to do that.

Speaker 2 (29:58):
So yeah, well it's been a long time, but it's
good to see again.

Speaker 3 (30:00):
Man. Thank you for man, Thank you for coming in.
Billy Gardell, what's the hour on Netflix?

Speaker 16 (30:05):
Well, I'm working on actually on a sitcom with them
right now, kind of a crazy reboot of Father Knows
Best and we'll turn our script in at the end
of the month and then the TV guds will say
you can have six episodes, twelve episodes, or back in
the pool you.

Speaker 20 (30:17):
Go, right, is it going to be like a three
camera shoot, four camera, regular set studio audience set up,
and we're going to take with a live audience.

Speaker 16 (30:26):
Netflix wants to get into that business, and we went
in and pitched them an idea.

Speaker 14 (30:31):
And who knows, man, maybe I've got another playoff running
me good for you.

Speaker 20 (30:35):
I know a lot of places got away from that format,
but I I like it, and especially like it on
Netflix where it's it's you just.

Speaker 16 (30:42):
Watch them, you can watch them again and again. But
they do want it to be a family based show,
which is kind of what I do. And uh, you know,
Chuck Laurie once gave me some great advice. He said, look,
you know, sitcoms are not dead, They're just done badly,
so badly. And I kind of learned watching that guy.
So that's what I'm trying to do.

Speaker 2 (30:59):
Let's hope from Mike and Molly luck not heist luck.

Speaker 14 (31:02):
You know what, I'll land in the middle. I'll be
completely happy for sandwiches.

Speaker 23 (31:07):
N box show one double mm who needs Broadcasting Awards.

Speaker 4 (31:15):
I like the sounded by a voice of Ale when
you've won World Sexist and five years.

Speaker 11 (31:21):
In a row.

Speaker 5 (31:23):
One seven double mma.

Speaker 3 (31:27):
Did you see the rapper who shot? He went into
his pocket and his gun was in there. He's doing
a podcast. Did you see this? My buddy said it
to me, so good, Oh God, and nobody got hurt.
It would have been way better if someone had been shot,
by the way.

Speaker 2 (31:41):
Okay, he get hurt now, okay, just went off.

Speaker 3 (31:44):
So Mike D is a he's an og boy from Houston,
old rapper who like everyone else on the planet who
draws breath, has a podcast. And his fellow h town rapper,
Too Low, younger man, was his guest, and they're sitting
there talking one on one with Mike D.

Speaker 2 (32:05):
Miked he's a well known guy.

Speaker 3 (32:06):
There in Houston in the rap community, and Too Low
they're just in there chatting, and Too Low he's got
a gun in his pocket like you do, and uh,
he just reaches into his pocket like he's you know,
trying to separate his nutsack from the inside of his thigh,
and the gun goes off. You can see the muzzleflash

(32:28):
through his pants and everyone's surprised, but no one's hurt.

Speaker 2 (32:33):
And choices we got in life, those were your choices.

Speaker 5 (32:43):
Somebody got shot?

Speaker 3 (32:47):
Now, Dang, BROI there's like a chihuahua walking around. You know,
I just love what. I love this dumbfounded look on
his face. You have a gun in your pocket, and
you know.

Speaker 2 (33:03):
I love that. Mike d is so relaxed. He's like,
who shot who? Yes, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (33:07):
Somebody gets shut. This guy is a true og. He
doesn't hit the deck when a gun goes off.

Speaker 2 (33:13):
No, He's just like, Okay, this is Houston. Who shot who? Yeah?
Somebody gets shut? Yep, Like that old Aretha song.

Speaker 21 (33:19):
It's the best what I want with my da Bigga
shot me.

Speaker 3 (33:30):
He just goes back into the promo in the show, hey,
because in his brain he goes, oh, I just got
my clip. I got my viral clip for this podcast
that probably nobody outside of Houston knows. And now everybody
is looking at this today. Oh, now, do you wonder
if it's fake?

Speaker 2 (33:45):
Maybe? Oh?

Speaker 3 (33:46):
I don't think so. Everybody looks surprised in this. It's
just a two shot. They're sitting there talking somewhere. Dude
reaches into his pocket, because it's a miracle nobody did
get shot, right, I mean his leg. You're just sitting
in a chair, so you reach into your pocket. If
he hadn't dropped his leg so that the round went

(34:07):
into the floor, yeah, it would have gone like parallel
to the floor.

Speaker 2 (34:10):
And I don't know, hit somebody in choices we got
in life, those were your choices.

Speaker 4 (34:24):
Yeah, he's so nonchalant about it. Mike d boy, what
make gunshots? You've had to have heard to have that
be your reaction. You know what, though, living here has
made me soft. But if you live people on the
east side probably will know. There's people who live in

(34:45):
the city of Cleveland. You know, you do get used
to hearing gunfire, and it never it gets to be
like a car alarm after a while. I mean, unless
it's right outside your window. You know, if there's people
getting rounds through their living room wall or whatever, that's
a whole other thing. You're listening in an apartment complex,
they'll still wake up in the middle of the night.

(35:07):
But you know, for people who live in neighborhoods that
are used to that, it's it's just like caps going off,
but in the room this guy that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (35:19):
He just looks on, Hey who got shot? Somebody gets shot? Yeah,
who got shot?

Speaker 3 (35:24):
So I don't know how many people are listening to
one on one with Mike D there in Houston, but
a lot more people paying attention to it now, so
at least they'll get a spike, right, people go, oh,
nobody got shot this week, and maybe this is probably
going to be good for too Low's streams.

Speaker 18 (35:41):
Two.

Speaker 2 (35:41):
Low is the rapper there who reached into his pocket.
And you know, so a little.

Speaker 4 (35:51):
Listen, who among us has not who among us has
not been the victim of a little accidental discharge by
this guy another responsible gun owner.

Speaker 2 (36:04):
But yeah, nobody got hurt.

Speaker 4 (36:05):
Again. He would have been a way better story if
somebody had gotten shot fatally.

Speaker 2 (36:11):
But that would have been the icing on the cake. Grazed.
You know, Mike D got shot or hit himself.

Speaker 4 (36:19):
Well, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 3 (36:19):
Usually you got a gun in your pocket, it goes off,
you shoot yourself, right, he didn't even do that.

Speaker 2 (36:26):
Blows the tail off the chihuahua.

Speaker 3 (36:27):
That's why he's I think he's legit amazed that he's Okay,
everybody's in one piece.

Speaker 2 (36:33):
Well, look on his face for sure, said he was surprised.

Speaker 4 (36:36):
Yeah, and on the only Jimmy I need is buffet.

Speaker 8 (36:44):
Dismissed, take away his text card. Yeah, listen, do what
a lot of people do.

Speaker 4 (36:51):
Hide that gun in your butt.

Speaker 2 (36:55):
It looks a little bigger than that. But you know,
I was like the a lot of people.

Speaker 3 (37:00):
There are certain things that people enjoy at the beginning
of the year. What I always wait for is the
annual report from the previous year that comes out in
January from the US Consumer Product Safety Commission about the
things that were retrieved from people's rectums the year prior.
There is a database that the CPSC keeps of emergency

(37:22):
room visits, and you go, well, Alan, we've all been
privy to things in people's rectums for a long long time.

Speaker 2 (37:32):
I will see your nether regions and I will raise you.

Speaker 3 (37:37):
They also keep database of things stuck in people's penises
and vaginas. So if you're so cool that the rectum
stuff doesn't do it for you anymore, how do you
feel about things getting stuck all over the place? So yes,

(37:57):
while everybody else is like New Year, New me can't
wait to do this and this and this. You boy
ac over here is waiting for that Consumer Product Safety
commissioned database report of things that got stuck in people's butts,
because that's all I'm concerned with, butts in penises and vaginas.

Speaker 2 (38:17):
A memoir by Alan conn Well.

Speaker 4 (38:18):
Listen, they have the.

Speaker 3 (38:21):
This isn't something that they release as a public service.
I guess it's just more of kind of a salacious
report that comes out. And there are people who compile
these things, obviously emergency room technicians and things. So I've
got a list for each. You tell me where you
want to start. I mean, rectum is an oldie, but goody.

Speaker 2 (38:42):
Yeah, we're used to that. Let's start there.

Speaker 3 (38:44):
We'll start with rectum. Patient states Again, these are just
transcribed from the medical reports. Patient states that he and
his wife quote got carried away and a portion of
a plastic screwdriver handle is in his rectum.

Speaker 2 (39:02):
Okay, a portion. Where's the rest of it sticking out?
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (39:10):
You thought I Kia was complicated before? Wow, w here's
my Alan Ranch. Yeah, but was it a flathead or
a phillips? They're really leaving out pertinent information. A xylophone
mallet doesn't say which end. I would probably know which end.
A twelve inch ratchet extender. Patient quote doesn't know why

(39:33):
it's in there. Yeah, that's ratchet, all right, cylindrical wooden block.
You want to impress me, Go for the square cooking spray.
I assume they mean the can.

Speaker 2 (39:46):
Oh my god. Patient quote.

Speaker 3 (39:50):
Patient states that she believes she has a vibrator in
either her rectum or vagina. She wasn't sure which, right.

Speaker 4 (40:00):
I assume that would feel different. No, why does it
have to be either?

Speaker 3 (40:03):
Let's do both, Come on, ladies, and then your shampoo bottle,
lotion bottle, can of deodorant, plastic bottle.

Speaker 4 (40:13):
With the bottom cut off. You also think that cooking
spray would just kind of come out easily. It's like
a glide.

Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yeah, you'd certainly think. So just went in sprayed it
once and then yeah, what.

Speaker 4 (40:25):
Is that PAM coconut oil? Ankle.

Speaker 3 (40:30):
These are quotes from these medical reports. Ankle, abdominal and
neck pain after jumping off a second floor balcony. Foreign
body in a rectum.

Speaker 2 (40:39):
Didn't say what it? Well, like a bag at I
didn't say what it was.

Speaker 4 (40:44):
Broomstick eighteen inch dil do dildo from four days ago.

Speaker 2 (40:51):
Oh, boy, it's a long time to be holding that
thing in. Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:54):
You know that guy was just like, come on, son
of a bitch, just come out. I don't want to
go to the doctor. Days before he finally went yeah,
there's probably a lot of please please please please please
please please please please.

Speaker 3 (41:05):
Yeah, And then, of course, a variety of batteries shoved
a bag containing twenty hydroxazine pills into his rectum. For
quote Street Cred. Patient quote tried to remove poop with
a pen a few days ago, lost pen in rectum,

(41:27):
swallowed it.

Speaker 2 (41:31):
Tried to remove poop. Fix your diet.

Speaker 3 (41:34):
It's not supposed to be like concrete scrub brush has
a plastic baby bottle up there, states she and her
male partner. Quote getting kinky wire, hangar about that? From
the Joan Crawford collection.

Speaker 4 (41:52):
Patient states he tripped in the shower and fell backwards
and say it with me.

Speaker 3 (41:57):
Landed on a shampoop bottle million one shot doc. See
Lee Jerry is up there. Patient states slipped and fell
in the bathtub, landing on a shark toy. Boy, there's
so many slips and falls in the I've never once
slipped in the shower and fallen onto something because you'd

(42:21):
have to slip in the shower and fall with your
legs in front of you, straight backs, straight down. Have
you had your fill of rerectum? I can move on
to penis or vagina.

Speaker 4 (42:33):
Oh you gotta save the penis for last, I think,
because hopefully you'll run out of time and not talk
about that.

Speaker 3 (42:38):
Okay, Yeah, Patient reports, I just gotten married presence with
a sex toy stuck in rectum. Darts plastic lemon still
erect them. Yeah, motorized tire pump.

Speaker 4 (42:51):
How m M A motorized tie you know what that
And that's like those air compressors and was inflated for
a duration of approximately five minutes. That can kill you,
by the way.

Speaker 2 (43:01):
Oh yeah, yeah. Broken light bulb.

Speaker 3 (43:06):
I bet a one broken when it went in, took
vibrator out, noticed battery had fallen out.

Speaker 4 (43:13):
Yeah, that's why you put the front in, not the
back end.

Speaker 3 (43:19):
I mean, who are all you rookies doing this stuff?
If you like the ass play, I mean, there's better
ways to uh, vagina, plastic triceratops, bobby pin shot glass.
Patient reports partner was wearing an enhancement apparatus that became
stuck following intercourse. Maybe one of them vibrate and sea

(43:40):
rings or something. Spork, whoa, how about that?

Speaker 4 (43:46):
Ladies?

Speaker 2 (43:46):
If you get a spork up there.

Speaker 4 (43:48):
You know they were fishing for something too. Like that
wasn't like they didn't just say, hey, let's put this
in there. They were like, let's use this to get
something out of there. Yeah, it's like a rubber like
something had to have. That was a retrieval tool. That's
what happens when you get horny, after you've housed the
whole thing of KFC coleslaw.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
What do you got near us? Honey work?

Speaker 4 (44:07):
I just finished the mashed potatoes.

Speaker 2 (44:12):
Maybe desperate to start digging with a sport.

Speaker 3 (44:14):
Boy, curling iron, dry erase marker, bag of soil. What well,
if you've got a green thumb, you've got a green
thumb bag of soil. Was rough housing with her hot
patient was rough housing with her husband, who lifted her
up and accidentally dropped her on a hot dog cooker.

Speaker 4 (44:37):
Damn, that's what I call it, Like the spinney.

Speaker 2 (44:42):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (44:43):
As he was bleeding, I gotta look up hot dog, candle, keys,
finger puppet, microchip, pencil, comma sideways. Wow, Oh my god,
that's a lady who's had a lot of kids. You
put a pencil in sideways. Maybe it's like golf pencil though, yeah, yeah,
yeah yeah, got a tykonder Rogan number two. The og

(45:05):
lead ones unsharpened.

Speaker 2 (45:08):
Oh my god. All right, so I'll finish with penis.

Speaker 3 (45:11):
I mean again, this is just this is transcription from
the database the US Consumer Product Safety Commission. I wait
all year for this, right, this is my late Christmas
present because they dropped this January one every year for
the data from twenty twenty four, the year prior.

Speaker 2 (45:29):
I slipped and fell on a pencil with my penis.

Speaker 3 (45:32):
I was playing golf. And some of these, obviously it
just they just record the item. Some of them they
record more detail.

Speaker 4 (45:43):
Took a piece of plastic sorry, took a piece of
plastic coated paper from a milk container, Okay, rolled it tightly,
wrapped it with tape to the size of quote greater
than a crayon, and inserted it as far as he
could into his penis several hours ago, as far as

(46:06):
he could.

Speaker 2 (46:07):
Why why as far as he could? Oh my god?

Speaker 4 (46:12):
Air pod.

Speaker 2 (46:17):
Left or right? I love this song. Coffee Stirr.

Speaker 3 (46:26):
None of these are going to make you feel great. Guys,
By the way, none of these are tapered, None of
them are, you know.

Speaker 2 (46:33):
Nothing as bad as that freaking cram so far.

Speaker 3 (46:35):
But I do still love these adventurers, these people who
are in a like I want to see what the
human body can withstand at great peril to myself. I
have been so numbed by modern life, I have been
so irretrievably hurt and broken by my fellow man that

(46:56):
this is all I can do to feel something is
to put the handle of a plastic spoon into my urethroat.

Speaker 2 (47:04):
Oh my good lord, man.

Speaker 4 (47:08):
Ring from power aid bottle. Oh Domino again charging cable thermometer?
About that, well, I want to see how hot it
gut in there. Uh, when I'm with my lady, it
feels like it's you know, two twelve.

Speaker 2 (47:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (47:30):
So, I mean again, the og on these lists is
recked them. I mean, you know you're not gonna do.
Nobody's gonna top rect them.

Speaker 4 (47:40):
I thought you were gonna go with like penal injuries,
Like you know, something happened where you by accident. Somebody
was on a job site and a nail got shot
through their wiener.

Speaker 3 (47:49):
No, nothing like Guinness Book or World Records or anything
like that. It's old variety on your own insertions.

Speaker 4 (47:56):
Yeah, uncompetable.

Speaker 2 (47:58):
You got that right. Your stuff was bad, dude, That
your stuff's.

Speaker 3 (48:02):
Bad because rack, thumb, and vagina are obviously known to
be able to accommodate penis even if you don't have one.
I mean you ladies or you people in transition. You
know you're aware that is a very very minuscule aperture.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
No way around that.

Speaker 4 (48:21):
Perfume bottle okay, in the oh yeah, in the winner. Yeah,
rolled up magazine page. Now, I think the only saving
grace here is, boy, magazines just aren't as thick as
they used to be. You know, with the death of
print advertising, there's probably never been a better time to
put magazine pages in your wiener. It was the awkwadio

(48:43):
sample yell, the.

Speaker 2 (48:47):
Paper clip wax straw.

Speaker 3 (48:49):
See, this is where the transition to paper straws really
come in handy. Yeah, a lot going on there. Hey, Kurt, Hey,
there Allen hate shoe, thanks man.

Speaker 12 (49:00):
With Back in the late nineties.

Speaker 22 (49:02):
Back in the late nineties, I worked at the People's
play Nei Emurgency room and worked a lot of overnight
shifts where we had a lot of weird stuff. And
we had a guy come in one time who had
four double A batteries, one in all in the row
in his urethra.

Speaker 2 (49:19):
Didn't know how they got there.

Speaker 3 (49:23):
Did they have to open them up or were they
able to like pinch it from the base and get them.

Speaker 22 (49:26):
Out they believe it or not, it could really stretch. Oh,
they just dilated and took them out one at a time.

Speaker 3 (49:35):
You know how like when you wash your sweatpants and
the rope gets caught in the waistband and you got
and you got to you gotta inch worm.

Speaker 4 (49:43):
The not all the way to the hole again.

Speaker 22 (49:47):
Yell alta was litw man on the totem pole.

Speaker 4 (49:48):
So I was not about the help of that situation.

Speaker 3 (49:51):
I bet you were never happier to be low man
in the totem pole. He's like, I don't want to
be high man on this totem pole.

Speaker 4 (49:57):
You know it would suck to is imagine you're the
guy that actually it goes to the hospital, right, you
got the four double A batteries in your penis. You
get there and you say, I have no idea how
this happened. Hey, you're serious. Like, say you passed that
out a party and someone shoved four double A batteries
in your pecker.

Speaker 2 (50:11):
You have to go to school, to go to the hospital.

Speaker 4 (50:14):
You're being as here as ever, and people are like, oh, yeah, sure,
you don't.

Speaker 11 (50:17):
Know what happened.

Speaker 22 (50:19):
Maybe he was trying to do a magic trick and
you'll see him light bulb, light.

Speaker 2 (50:22):
Up, you know, yeah, I don't know. Well you lived
to literally tell the tale.

Speaker 3 (50:26):
Man.

Speaker 4 (50:28):
All right, thank you, Kurt. Everyone all right, I have
no idea how that got there. Most common ants are.

Speaker 3 (50:35):
Given million to one shot.

Speaker 9 (50:39):
Doc.

Speaker 2 (50:39):
It was a million to one.

Speaker 4 (50:42):
I fell forward onto a pen.

Speaker 3 (50:45):
It just happened to line up standing up on the ground. Yeah,
all right, well good well, it's a fun little cautionary tale.
I think you ladies are in a whole other thing,
because I mean, if you can do kids, you can
all stuff.

Speaker 2 (51:01):
You know what, you can accommodate. Now.

Speaker 3 (51:06):
And I had one of those one in a million
shots happened to me. I was at my computer and
my cat went to jump on my lap. All right,
strike one, but I scooped my chair back at the
same time. Somehow her back claw went through my pants

(51:27):
and into the tip.

Speaker 2 (51:30):
Of my penis. Oh my god.

Speaker 3 (51:34):
Again reason number four and seventy two that cats don't
belong cohabiting with humans. My dog has never jumped up
on my lap and accidentally.

Speaker 2 (51:50):
Lacerated my urethra.

Speaker 3 (51:52):
Not yet.

Speaker 4 (51:54):
No, the worst you're gonna get with the dogs, they
just get hitting the nuts. Look, that happens all the time, right.

Speaker 3 (51:59):
Or she tries to lick me when I got out
of the shower yep, and after five minutes I go
stop that.

Speaker 4 (52:04):
Well, that is a.

Speaker 5 (52:05):
One in a million. The nail The ellen Cock Show
on one hundred The ellen Cock Show.

Speaker 21 (52:18):
Podcast anytime on our Eye Guard Radio app.

Speaker 4 (52:22):
What's a podcast like a TV show?

Speaker 2 (52:23):
Looks at the pictures.

Speaker 9 (52:24):
Maybe that's called radio, but you're describing as radio and.

Speaker 24 (52:28):
Live on the radio week day afternoons one hundred points.

Speaker 11 (52:32):
Said.

Speaker 3 (52:34):
Texas Allen, I don't care if you have to beat
Donnie with a chair, make him spill it them on
the edge of my seat. Here, Look at all these
people interested in your weekend goings on, Donnie.

Speaker 2 (52:44):
So we we we've been taking bets on what it is.

Speaker 4 (52:48):
I think the consensus is that you've got a body
in your trunk and you don't know what to do
with it?

Speaker 2 (52:52):
Is that true?

Speaker 3 (52:53):
That's not I don't have a dead body in my trunk.
I didn't say. We didn't say dead, We said you
have a in your trunk. That was oddly specific. M
So what happened this weekend that you're so reluctant to discuss?
It was just that got in the way of your
Allen Cox Show duties.

Speaker 4 (53:15):
All right, Well.

Speaker 2 (53:18):
That's another word for poop.

Speaker 3 (53:20):
It really is, and a good one too. Okay, what happened, Donnie?
I don't even know where to start?

Speaker 4 (53:27):
Start at the beginning, very beginning, went to My whole
intention was to go to liquids or liquid liquid.

Speaker 2 (53:36):
Yes, please call it liquids.

Speaker 4 (53:40):
Well they technically they sell a lot of them, so yeah,
you can call it liquids.

Speaker 21 (53:45):
Well.

Speaker 2 (53:46):
I had the.

Speaker 3 (53:46):
Whole intention to just go there with two friends, to
just do West six Street drunk chicks. It was like
cool rovers release party, going to be a lot of
drunk people went there, right made over. Chris took, Chris Tyler,
our boss, our program director, yep, went there, and I
took one year that the shot you showed me, what
do you call it?

Speaker 2 (54:04):
The Dublin with the Jamison and the pickle juice.

Speaker 3 (54:06):
Yeah, yep, did that and then me, Miles and Deshaun
and Chris took another shot and then uh, I ended
up helping out with the event. Chris has put me
right next to calendar girls and like help you know,
push people through.

Speaker 2 (54:20):
Oh you got kind of uh deputized.

Speaker 3 (54:23):
I got with the events. So I interviews.

Speaker 2 (54:26):
Why didn't you tell him I'm down here to do
something for Allan?

Speaker 3 (54:28):
I did and Chris said, what, Oh nice, you know,
he was like, oh that's cool, and then we just
started hanging out. Was like, hey, I need you up front.
Caitlyn actually came and got me from promotion. But why
didn't you tell him?

Speaker 2 (54:38):
I can't.

Speaker 3 (54:39):
I'm I'm gonna be talking to drunk girls for Alan.
That had actually didn't cross my mind. I was like,
oh cool, Yeah, he.

Speaker 2 (54:46):
Was like, I get to help with the calendar girl?

Speaker 4 (54:48):
Sure for real?

Speaker 2 (54:50):
The story about that, Oh my gosh. All right, okay,
so you're there, so you've agreed to help.

Speaker 4 (54:56):
It's all about priorities in life, Donnie name My priorities
are all that's to.

Speaker 3 (55:01):
So then what happened? So you got dragged into help
out with the calendar girls? Yeah, which is pretty cool.
Kicking and screaming. I'm sure Chris really had to twist
your arm to give it a couple of drinks. Yeah,
I need you to butt wax, Miss July. I would
have done it. So then what happened? Well, no, it's
funny brought up Miss July. That was the that's that's
a story. But just hanging out and heild it.

Speaker 4 (55:23):
Have you those you know, just what time of night
is this early in the evening, probably like nine, because
the thing that happens to those calendar signings is everybody
comes to get the calendar signed and then they bolt.

Speaker 2 (55:33):
Nobody bolted, okay, but.

Speaker 3 (55:36):
We were there, you know, hanging out and then uh
started talking to some of the calendar girls. Burnt one
of those bridges. What do you mean burnt the bridge? Well,
Miss July was the one that I really liked. I
was talking with her. What did she look like? I
haven't seen this year's calendar? Redhead tattoos? Okay, good? But
uh like doing that and uh that was before we

(55:59):
got on the bus to go to where stripper Scott's
talking about the strip club, right, yeah, and we were
did that. So you're putting the moves on the red head. Yeah,
but that failed? How come? I don't know, it's just
probably you know, every guy knows. What was the misstep?
What did you say that her face changed? You know,

(56:22):
we we were sharing a cigarette.

Speaker 14 (56:25):
Were you lip banging her?

Speaker 21 (56:26):
No?

Speaker 3 (56:26):
I would okay, well we were sharing a cigarette.

Speaker 10 (56:30):
Uh and uh.

Speaker 3 (56:31):
I told her. I was like, before we go, can
I think this might have creeped her out a little bit?
I was like, before we go, can you kiss me
on the lips? And then after that she threw the
cigarette away and got in the bush. Yeah, hey, can
you kiss me on the lips? Why did you say that?

Speaker 2 (56:48):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (56:49):
Is that a line that has worked for you in
the past? No, dude, I am on like such a
big dry spell. Like my last I was telling Erica
this last week. My last real girlfriend was from like
twenty ten.

Speaker 2 (56:59):
We're not talking about real girlfriends.

Speaker 3 (57:01):
We're talking about getting the girl to go home with
you or getting anything. And you could taking her in
the alley and you know, lip banged her for five
minutes for all you know, I haven't done that.

Speaker 2 (57:10):
You said you want to kiss me on the lips?
And she went what she said?

Speaker 18 (57:13):
What?

Speaker 3 (57:14):
Nothing? She had a half a cigarette threw it down
and my first immediate was like, did you just throw
the cigarettes?

Speaker 2 (57:19):
She flicked the.

Speaker 3 (57:20):
Cherry in his eye and walked back inside. You can
say goodbye to the south end of Miss July. Okay,
So then you got on the bus. Yeah, but before that,
I hadn't missed December's number. I guess I got it
from and I woke up Saturday. I was like, oh,
this is the redhead.

Speaker 4 (57:33):
Cool.

Speaker 2 (57:34):
I want to text her.

Speaker 3 (57:34):
So, just so I'm clear, you went down to do
drunk West six girls. You go into the Rover thing,
which is fine. You don't tell Chris Tyler, hey, I'm
down here to do something for Alan's show.

Speaker 18 (57:46):
No.

Speaker 2 (57:46):
I did tell him and he said I don't care.

Speaker 4 (57:48):
No.

Speaker 3 (57:49):
He was just nonchalant about it, just like, oh, cool,
you're doing that. Awesome. And then I want to go
stood by Mountain Drew hanging out calendars. Right before I
was going to go, you know, start interviewing, was still
and then you went outside. When did you start interviewing
people after? After the whole thing was almost like done,

(58:09):
So you waited for everybody to be gone and then
decide you'd start interviewing oka it was still people were
still coming. It was just at eight thirty and nine.
Nobody was drunk yet, so it was like, all right,
I'm just going to help out early. I got you, understood,
And then what.

Speaker 20 (58:21):
Time did you do the Philip Seymour Hoffman and Boogie
Knight's move.

Speaker 3 (58:27):
Ten thirty eleven twelve?

Speaker 2 (58:31):
You mean where he tries to kiss it?

Speaker 17 (58:32):
Dude?

Speaker 2 (58:32):
Do you want to kiss me on the lips?

Speaker 4 (58:34):
Can I kiss you on the limp like that?

Speaker 7 (58:38):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (58:39):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (58:39):
So yeah, I got you.

Speaker 2 (58:40):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (58:40):
So you're waiting for people to get drunk, gotcha? Yeah okay.
And so then you get on the bus, yeah to
the strip club.

Speaker 2 (58:46):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (58:47):
This is the bus with Dieter and stripper Scott, Yeah,
and Deshaun and some No, Deshaun drove separate okay because
I it was the reason why.

Speaker 17 (58:54):
This is one of the like strip club buses that
like roll through or is this okay?

Speaker 3 (58:58):
By the way, I'm being told here that miss July
is married with a kid, So you probably ducked a
bullet there. If that's true, I don't know. I mean,
he's hot enough to where that wouldn't bother me.

Speaker 4 (59:06):
That wouldn't bother you how hot does somebody have to
be before you don't care that they have a kid.

Speaker 20 (59:13):
The married thing is also another red flag there, buddy.

Speaker 3 (59:17):
Yeah that is. I hope to god that guy doesn't
even now. I'm just again, I'm reading a text and
don't necessarily mean it's true. You know, it could be
somebody trying to throw her into the bus. So Donnie
strikes me as a kind of guy. Or if he's like,
you know, blipbanging some curl and she goes, you know,
I'm married, he go, he in here, right.

Speaker 4 (59:37):
Yeah he is.

Speaker 3 (59:37):
Why do you let you go out by yourself? I've
done that before. I actually ruined somebody's engagement. No, they
ruined their engagement, Donnie, you didn't ruin their engagement. You're
not married.

Speaker 2 (59:48):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (59:48):
So you got on the bus YEP and.

Speaker 3 (59:52):
And then we went to the uh to the strip
club and it was pretty cool. You know what I'm saying.
Got a this is oh man, it's getting was I
getting blood from a rock?

Speaker 21 (01:00:08):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (01:00:08):
I love this, Donnie, Come on. I ended up not
being able to use my debit card. Oh I thought
you're gonna go with your penis, yeah, whiskey. Instead that
that yeah, but it's just embarrassing.

Speaker 18 (01:00:28):
Alan.

Speaker 4 (01:00:28):
Somebody texted me, Alan, didn't you say last week that
you didn't want Donnie to go unpunched and look, somebody
punched him. I did say that. Oh I feel bad
now a bigger phecy. Yeah right, I don't want any
actual harm to come.

Speaker 2 (01:00:42):
So is the strip club? After you asked the questions.

Speaker 3 (01:00:46):
To be honest? Friday night? The only interview I actually
had was with Charlie. That was the only that's the
only person. So Charlie did all the questions on Friday. No,
he asked like two questions then he left, and I
asked something that I actually lost your tape recorder. Awesome,

(01:01:08):
glad to hear, drive back up to Acron to go
get it from a friend's house on Sunday.

Speaker 2 (01:01:12):
Good to hear. Well, that's only two hundred dollars tape recording.

Speaker 4 (01:01:16):
So why uh so where did you take these girls
where it sounded like you were conducting a focus group outside.

Speaker 3 (01:01:24):
That wasn't outside. They were in a room. It's it
was like a small echo there. Well, it was like
a smoke scheck outside, a smoke shock. Okay, gotcha. So
Friday night, your your debit card grows screwy. Yep, that's
a whole that's a whole nother story, because that's embarrassing.

Speaker 2 (01:01:40):
Tell us, he said, what do you not want to
talk about it?

Speaker 3 (01:01:43):
I'll talk about it.

Speaker 20 (01:01:44):
Yes, it's just you realize this happens to everyone. Like
my debit card has been hacked and stolen like three
or four times.

Speaker 2 (01:01:51):
Mind never, I've never had a problem with it.

Speaker 3 (01:01:53):
Well, I had some ridiculous charges on my account which
made absolutely.

Speaker 2 (01:01:58):
Well that's how they find out.

Speaker 20 (01:02:00):
Yeah, but that's how they find out that that stold
because someone tries to buy something for like five or
six hundred dollars in a different part of the country
and they go, well, he just made a purchase here today,
I don't know how to make it buy this?

Speaker 3 (01:02:12):
Uh flat screen TV? You did you use your card
of like Micula? No, Uh, Chris was getting everything, big spender.
He's a baller over there, single dude, New City.

Speaker 2 (01:02:25):
So why did you get kicked out of this truck club?

Speaker 4 (01:02:27):
So did you?

Speaker 2 (01:02:27):
And uh? He got kicked out? You did? You said
you would talk about it.

Speaker 3 (01:02:32):
Why'd you get kicked out because my debit card didn't
go through? They're like they were told on my friends.
You just probably get your friend out of here. I'm like, what,
it's not my fault because your debit card didn't go through.

Speaker 2 (01:02:44):
What were we trying to pay for? Drinks?

Speaker 3 (01:02:46):
Are a dance or what champagne room? What was he
trying to pay for a dance? Okay, to dance?

Speaker 2 (01:02:54):
How is he all worried? Okay? Fine? And what are
those are?

Speaker 18 (01:02:56):
Pop? Uh?

Speaker 3 (01:02:57):
The first one I don't remember, but I was trying
to get like one of those private dances or something. Yeah,
that was like one hundred and fifty. It was like, oh, yeah,
I'll pay that, you know, just Johnny going hard. I was,
I'll pay just because I mean I need a girlfriend.
I was like, cool, I mean kind of turn into
stripper Scott first.

Speaker 2 (01:03:15):
You know, that's not how you get a girlfriend.

Speaker 20 (01:03:17):
That's but they hear, not your girlfriend if you pay
one hundred and fifty dollars and grind on you and ride.

Speaker 4 (01:03:23):
When you realize that you will the one step ahead
of stripper Scott by the way, Okay, so then your
debit card doesn't go so you got the dance and
then your card wasn't working, so they're pissed.

Speaker 17 (01:03:33):
So when you already got the dance and then went
to go pay for it.

Speaker 3 (01:03:37):
Well, like the stupid mediocre dance, you know what I'm saying, Like.

Speaker 4 (01:03:40):
The no, I don't, I don't he got the kind
of car, he got the kind of dance from a
girl who probably figures your card's not.

Speaker 2 (01:03:49):
Going to swife.

Speaker 3 (01:03:49):
Yeah, so she gave you.

Speaker 4 (01:03:51):
Like she's dancing like she's got stomach cramps, you know,
not like she's really trying to give.

Speaker 20 (01:03:56):
You a one complete rookie move to go to the
strip club without having cash and have cash who.

Speaker 2 (01:04:03):
Runs their card at the strip?

Speaker 3 (01:04:04):
Thing is is when I was at Liquid, my card worked, right,
it works?

Speaker 18 (01:04:10):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:04:11):
Oh cool, you know everything's going great. My card's working.
All of a sudden doesn't work. Okay, it's just okay.

Speaker 4 (01:04:21):
Did you and Chris Tyler Eiffel Tower, one of the
calendar girls.

Speaker 2 (01:04:24):
No, but I did. Uh.

Speaker 3 (01:04:27):
I don't know if I told you. When I texted
Miss December on Saturday, I was like, oh, you're the redhead, right,
she says, no, I'm blonde, So that's completely yes.

Speaker 2 (01:04:38):
Yeah, yeah, I want to do that. You're the redhead yep.
Gotta keep your lady straight there. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:04:46):
No, there's just so much, so you should have grabbed
the calendar so you could have visually referred to who
the girl was.

Speaker 2 (01:04:51):
Hey, I really like have her sign her number on
the calendar on her picture. I really like this.

Speaker 3 (01:04:56):
M Okay, So you and Chris Tyler were not trying
to pick up on calendar girls, no, he assume is
that true? That is true? That is very true. All right,
but you were getting digits, So you were trying to
pick up on calendar girls.

Speaker 2 (01:05:12):
I was.

Speaker 3 (01:05:12):
I was trying my hardest. Man, I struck out every
single time.

Speaker 17 (01:05:16):
He's long forgotten about Drunk West six Chicks. Right, you
made a conscious decision to forget about that.

Speaker 2 (01:05:22):
But at this point I don't even care, because this
is better than when you got right. You forget about.

Speaker 3 (01:05:27):
This, your awesome lot lucked out.

Speaker 17 (01:05:32):
Okay, wait, but my question is, so you went back
out on Saturday night to get more questions?

Speaker 4 (01:05:38):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:05:39):
Because I tried to make it right.

Speaker 3 (01:05:40):
I tried. I tried, like, man, I really can't you.

Speaker 2 (01:05:42):
Found the voice recorder?

Speaker 3 (01:05:45):
Yeah? I woke up Saturday is like my stuff, where's
it at? And then I had to drive up to
Akron to go get it. Okay, So so everything ended
up how you got your bank account hacked? Yep, you
didn't get any poon nope. Uh, you couldn't pay for
your dance, yep, you had to hang out with stripper Scott.

Speaker 2 (01:06:05):
Yep. How did Saturday night end?

Speaker 20 (01:06:08):
I can definitely see why you didn't want to tell
anybody here.

Speaker 3 (01:06:13):
That's just almost like the tip of the iceberg. There's
just like what else happened?

Speaker 2 (01:06:17):
Well, then that's what we want to We want to
know about the iceberg. We don't give a crap about
the tip. I don't want your tip, Donnie. We don't
just want the tent. It was to put it all the.

Speaker 3 (01:06:26):
Way in, all right, Well, Saturday night ended with me
basically getting hit in the face by one of the
drunk girl's boyfriends. Yeah, okay, yep. And then did he
glance you or really get you?

Speaker 18 (01:06:38):
Oh?

Speaker 3 (01:06:38):
He clipped my jaw.

Speaker 2 (01:06:39):
Good, he got you.

Speaker 3 (01:06:40):
Okay, go to the bar and then I got it
this was inside, Yeah okay. Then they got it all
broken up.

Speaker 2 (01:06:45):
I left.

Speaker 3 (01:06:46):
Then after that, me and my one friend, Asian eight,
went to uh a bar. We just called him Asian Eate.
That's his name. I love it, Asian Nate. What would
be even better if it wasn't Asian, so Saturday ended?

Speaker 4 (01:07:00):
How then, Uh, you're an Asian nate.

Speaker 3 (01:07:04):
Trying to slay some tail. No, actually, I struck out
again Saturday night. Why do you think you strike out,
Tony dude? I don't know. I think you're not. I
don't think you're confident. I don't think that you're coming correct.
I don't think you're confident. I think you come at
these girls like a wounded bird, and they look at
you and they're probably like, please, please, just hang out.

(01:07:25):
I think they can smell desperation. You know how animals
can sense fear. Hot girls can smell desperation. I think
they don't want desperation. They want a guy that goes
you're gonna be You better get a couple of drinks
now because we're leaving in about an hour.

Speaker 20 (01:07:42):
Yeah, just be there, be quiet and let the girl.
The girls will want to You know, you want to
stay mysterious. Once you start talking, you're gonna you're gonna
blow it.

Speaker 3 (01:07:51):
You do you want to see my serious faces? Start
trying to stay calm. This is why I can't do that.
I's ready, you hear your serious face?

Speaker 4 (01:08:00):
Okay, Now I'm waiting for you to say, put the
lotion in the basket. That's not you look high and psychotic,
that's not.

Speaker 3 (01:08:09):
I don't know what's going on here. Okay, yeah, he's
got resting bitch face. Girls see that. It's just like
looking in the mirror.

Speaker 20 (01:08:17):
But again, that's still something that girls will respond to.
If you don't say anything.

Speaker 17 (01:08:22):
Yeah, you can talk yourself out of getting laid very easily.

Speaker 2 (01:08:26):
And just the way you approached the asking.

Speaker 17 (01:08:28):
Of the questions for drunk West six girls tells me
you're not confident because you're like, Oh, Charlie, can.

Speaker 2 (01:08:32):
You be my buddy and help me?

Speaker 15 (01:08:34):
Oh?

Speaker 2 (01:08:34):
Can you ass the girl first?

Speaker 3 (01:08:36):
Let me ask you this though, because this was kind
of hanging from last week. Did you end up winning
the hookup Hotty? I still don't know, Charlie said, I
might have. I think, I mean, I listened at the playback,
But to be honest, I almost don't even want to
go on that date anymore.

Speaker 2 (01:08:51):
Why a date that's paid? Why?

Speaker 3 (01:08:53):
Because it's not going to work out anyways. Well not
with that attitude. You're a defeatist. You are defeat How
much defeated broke man might work.

Speaker 2 (01:09:01):
Out to get you laid?

Speaker 4 (01:09:02):
Nothing else, Let's get Donnie laid. Let's do that. I
just yes, let's just get him laid. We'll all scrounge up.

Speaker 3 (01:09:09):
You know how they did that go fund me site
for Rob's little boy, Right, Let's do a go fund
me site for Donnie's go f me right for Donnie
to get laid. How long has it been, Donnie? No?

Speaker 11 (01:09:25):
What?

Speaker 3 (01:09:27):
How long has it been or second since you dipped
your wick? How long has it been since you've gotten laid?
Like full on laid? Laid?

Speaker 2 (01:09:38):
Yeah? Consensual probably, I'm not.

Speaker 4 (01:09:42):
Yeah, both consensual the last consensual time right?

Speaker 2 (01:09:48):
Probably last August?

Speaker 4 (01:09:50):
Last August, so a few months, No, no, last last
year thirteen.

Speaker 2 (01:09:57):
No, wonder why he's a wounded bird. But you've been
the girls, well yeah, but not full on.

Speaker 3 (01:10:02):
You know, I'm saying, like doing second base here? Oh that,
but I am a pathetic man.

Speaker 2 (01:10:09):
No, God, we.

Speaker 3 (01:10:13):
Just gotta we we just gotta get that whole thing
figured out.

Speaker 17 (01:10:16):
Man, you and Scott must have made quite the team
on Friday night.

Speaker 2 (01:10:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:10:20):
He probably made Scott look like Conan the Barbaria.

Speaker 2 (01:10:23):
And I'm surprised you.

Speaker 20 (01:10:24):
Guys even saw any boobs at the strip club the
way you guys, carry yourself.

Speaker 2 (01:10:28):
You're looking right at the ground, kicking your feet. Oh,
I don't even know if I should be here.

Speaker 3 (01:10:32):
Come on, man, Wow, Actually I just want to say thanks.
I just got a message on Facebook from somebody telling
me because I was interviewing this one girl. Right, She's like, oh,
you can ask me some questions if you buy me
a drink. I don't think so, always buy the drink.
But she just said, I'm sorry for having you asking
you to buy me a drink, since you had your
walls stolen, got punched in the face, can't get laid.

(01:10:55):
I hope your week gets better.

Speaker 5 (01:10:56):
How do you?

Speaker 2 (01:10:57):
How did you find you on Facebook?

Speaker 3 (01:10:59):
You should you should be able to convert this story
into getting late. It's not going to happen, dude, he
keeps saying out loud, it's not gonna happen.

Speaker 2 (01:11:08):
About that shake.

Speaker 3 (01:11:10):
Oh, she's a I know we're from a high school.
She's married or engaged to one of my friends. Oh okay,
well I got a break. Well, you had a hell
of a weekend, Donnie. I don't even care about drunk
West six girls anymore. You had a hell of a weekend.
There's too much.

Speaker 25 (01:11:23):
More to even talk about you say that that bothers
me so much, so much, I can't move on until
I hear the rest of what his story.

Speaker 17 (01:11:34):
The arm pits are sweating, that's how on the edge
of my seat I.

Speaker 4 (01:11:36):
Am about this whole situation. All right, I want you
to tell us more, Donnie, I will this guy?

Speaker 5 (01:11:42):
All right?

Speaker 2 (01:11:42):
Good?

Speaker 3 (01:11:43):
So far, just a quick recap. He tried to do
drunk West six girls. He got punched by one of
the girl's boyfriends. Someone hacked his bank account, he got
kicked out of a strip cloth. This really is like
an eighties coming of age adventure movie, you know, like
a one crazy summer, one wacky weekend.

Speaker 2 (01:12:03):
All this stuff happened one day. The Ferris Bueller's a soundtrack.

Speaker 3 (01:12:08):
Now, usually at the end of one of those movies,
they'll get the girl that they've been trying to get
the entire time. But so far, that's the only thing
that's lacking from Donnie's story.

Speaker 4 (01:12:21):
So what happened? What else happened? What was the next
to indignity that came across your path?

Speaker 3 (01:12:27):
Oh man, I'll just jump Well, there's this the bartender.
After I did after I got punched in the face
on Saturday, I went to this local bar in Orville
and having a good time, right to stop it in there,
got a Christmas ale with the cinnamon around the edge.
Tasted pretty good.

Speaker 2 (01:12:43):
Do you know what it's supposed to be? Drunk West
six Chicks? Not drunk West six Donnie.

Speaker 3 (01:12:47):
Right, Hey, if that would loosen him up, I'm fine
with that. You know it's something neat Donnie needs to
be loosened up. So basically, you were drunk all weekend,
made a bunch of bad decisions. I really wasn't drunk
all weekend. How did you break your xbox? I dropped
the I dropped the case of the reds on it.

Speaker 4 (01:13:07):
Oh god, you dropped the case of reds Apple.

Speaker 2 (01:13:11):
On the xbox.

Speaker 3 (01:13:12):
So everything that could have gone wrong this weekend went
wrong basically.

Speaker 11 (01:13:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:13:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:13:18):
The Allen Carr Show on one.

Speaker 11 (01:13:22):
MS President Radio.

Speaker 4 (01:13:25):
Is double MMS Cleveland.

Speaker 5 (01:13:28):
And iHeartRadio station.

Speaker 2 (01:13:31):
I want to stay to you.

Speaker 4 (01:13:32):
If you're not completely satisfied with today's show, I will
only be checking someone satisfied on our comment card.

Speaker 5 (01:13:38):
You're not alone.

Speaker 2 (01:13:39):
This is the Car Show on one.

Speaker 5 (01:13:42):
Hundred point seven double MMS.

Speaker 4 (01:13:48):
Jesus, Yeah, it was a mere few days ago rob
that I will celebrate to my thirtieth anniversary full time
in radio hit A handful of years before that part time.

Speaker 3 (01:14:07):
Of course, my first full time gig was in Kalamazoo, Michigan.
So I'm always keeping my ears open for what's going
on in that town. It is first and foremost a
college town. It's our Western Michigan University is k college
for the really smart kids. And so when I saw
the headline sewage overflows out of Kalamazoo man hole, I
was intrigued. I wanted to know, right, five hundred gallons

(01:14:33):
of sewage at an intersection, by the way, and we
have bureau chiefs there in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Five hundred gallons
of sewage spilled from a man hole the other night.
And this is an affluent part of town, by the way,

(01:14:54):
the aptly named White's Road and.

Speaker 2 (01:14:59):
Parkview Avenue.

Speaker 3 (01:15:00):
Right now, if you're listening right now and you've never
been the Kalamazoo, Michigan, you go, who cares about this?
But I lived there for a I lived there for
three years. I felt like ten I will say that.
But it's a fine, fine town. It's a it's a
perfect place to start your broadcasting career.

Speaker 2 (01:15:16):
Right. I moved there in the fall of nineteen ninety five.

Speaker 4 (01:15:20):
But this is a you know, they got this cleaned
up fast because this is in a an affluent part
of town, right The Kalamazoo Country Club is across the street,
the D and W fresh Market, which is like the
Heinens of southwest Michigan. That's right there as well.

Speaker 2 (01:15:39):
Sewage.

Speaker 3 (01:15:40):
It's the kind of place that Rob would shop to
get his high end caviare if in fact he was
living in Kalamazoo, Michigan. And so, yeah, five hundred gallons
of sewage right now. Of course around these parts it
would be like, oh, I don't know, hanging out at
Edgewater Beach code brown, Yeah, coming up through the man

(01:16:03):
hole and they had to get the city works people
out there to clean it up and to restore normal flow.
But boy, you had to think that the people who
live in that immediate area were going nuts, because you know,
it's a low crime, high tax area. It's a tony

(01:16:23):
part of Kalamazoo, Michigan, southwest part of the city there
almost to Portage, Michigan, which is where it gets really stately.
But I loved the headline sewage overflows out of Kalamazoo manhole. Now,
for those of you who are well versed in a
certain kind of lifestyle, the Kalamazoo manhole is especially tough

(01:16:45):
to perform if you've ever tried it. I tried it
in college. I tried it again a few years ago.
It involves two motorcycle helmets, an entire like baronas in
Maple Heights or something, right, and precisely seven lego minifigures.

Speaker 2 (01:17:09):
That's your Kalamazoo manhole.

Speaker 3 (01:17:11):
Now beyond that, I can't tell you anymore per FCC regulations,
but it's an especially heroic move to perform. But that's
what it made me think of, Robin. I was reading
that story, and was it five hundred gallons? Is that
what you said?

Speaker 2 (01:17:27):
It was five hundred gallons of sewage?

Speaker 4 (01:17:29):
I mean, any sewage is a lot, but five hundred
gallons isn't a lot when you think about like the
smallest pool you can think of holds like three thousand
gallons of water. And if that's spread out over a neighborhood,
it probably wasn't as bad as it sounds, right. I
guess you're taking the man hole half full to take

(01:17:51):
on this. No, I just if it's look any like
I said, any is gross. Yeah, but there has to
be some sort of grade, says how dumb I am?
Because five hundred gallons sounded like a lot to me.
The first thing I thought was like, if it was
in a pool like that, wouldn't that wouldn't fill the
bottom of a pool.

Speaker 2 (01:18:09):
Okay, it's gross.

Speaker 3 (01:18:11):
Well, I guess you have to wonder in the five
hundred gallons the solid to liquid ratio. That's always the thing,
that's the thing that's your X factor right there. I
have to assume the well, if you're an if you're
ankle deep in brown water, that's one thing, right, But
if you're standing there in the street and you know
it looks like your legs are being beset by a

(01:18:32):
rivulet of river otters.

Speaker 2 (01:18:33):
Yeah, that's no good. No, no, no, yeah, you're right,
it does.

Speaker 4 (01:18:37):
I would assume the majority of it was probably water though,
right like liquid I think so you'd assumed that the
turds would get stuck or broken down or something along
those lines. But I've gotten stuck on the on the
manhole cover. On the manhole cover.

Speaker 3 (01:18:54):
Emily is one of our Buera A chiefs there in Kalamazoo, Michigan.

Speaker 2 (01:18:57):
I don't know if that was anywhere near her.

Speaker 3 (01:19:00):
That's way south of where Western Michigan University is. But
the the Kalamazoo manhole.

Speaker 2 (01:19:08):
Is, you know, look into it. The weekend's coming up.

Speaker 4 (01:19:11):
Do you think that would have been a story if
it happened like in downtown Kalamazoo.

Speaker 2 (01:19:16):
Oh yeah, it would have. Oh yeah. I didn't know
if it was a thing because.

Speaker 4 (01:19:20):
It was an affluent town town, you know, like it
made press because.

Speaker 3 (01:19:24):
Well is not an affluent town. It's a very much
not affluent town. But that part of town is a
little bit more tony okay than some other parts of town.
Somebody texted, or an effluent part of town.

Speaker 2 (01:19:37):
You get the word nerd in me.

Speaker 3 (01:19:41):
My heart just grew nine in size is like the
goddamn grinch. You are my hero today. Everybody else is
throwing me kalama poo. You know, I get it. An
effluent part of town, you, sir or madam?

Speaker 2 (01:19:58):
I salute you. I salute you. Did I pronounce it?

Speaker 25 (01:20:03):
Well?

Speaker 4 (01:20:04):
No, no, no, no, Alan, Rob's right, five hundred gallons is
the size of a hot tub.

Speaker 2 (01:20:12):
It's still gross.

Speaker 3 (01:20:13):
Yeah, want to sit in a hot tub of poop. No,
there a teogora on Saturday night, by the way, hot
tub of poop, But you think about how deep that is,
and that's in a confined space, right, So five hundred
gallons coming up in a neighborhood gross not terrible because
my first thought was, oh my god, that neighborhood, Like,
how do they even clean that up?

Speaker 4 (01:20:34):
Like when you have all this stuff, like they probably
just had to turn on a garden hose just shoot
it down to the next dream.

Speaker 2 (01:20:41):
They spray a little lesol.

Speaker 3 (01:20:43):
Alan, you were talking about the most common birthday being today,
the least common birthday being December the twenty fifth. You
mean Jimmy Buffett's birthday?

Speaker 2 (01:20:55):
Is that his birthday? Is he a Christmas baby? Well,
that's what this person says.

Speaker 3 (01:20:58):
I have no it seems like a thing to make
up when you could immediately determine whether or it was true.
He was born on December the twenty fifth, nineteen forty six,
in Pascagoula, Mississippi. So yes, it will be not only
a Christmas without a Santa, but a Christmas without a
Jimmy Buffett. And he's been dead for a few years
now well too, it'll be the third Christmas without a one.

Speaker 2 (01:21:24):
James William Buffett, Rob.

Speaker 4 (01:21:31):
Allen.

Speaker 3 (01:21:31):
I'm a Christmas Eve birthday and it sucked growing up.
I was always forgotten. It's not so bad now because
I always have the day off work.

Speaker 26 (01:21:39):
Hey boys, it's Becky from Wayne County. You were talking
yesterday about feeling old at a concert, and I've never
felt older than when I went to Rexorge County. I
took my sixteen year old at the time to Rexord
County and I counted maybe twenty people over the age
of thirty thirty five there. I stayed in the stands
for a couple of songs, then bailed and joined about

(01:22:02):
ten other parents just waiting.

Speaker 2 (01:22:04):
In purgatory for their kids right by.

Speaker 17 (01:22:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:22:07):
I took my older daughter to rex Orange County a
long time ago, and it was like, but that's the
kind of act where you know, I mean, it's a
lot of parents. We weren't so much talking about feeling
old at a concert. I was talking about feeling being
in a room full of my peers in feeling like
they look older or I don't know what it is.
It was at the Jerry Cantrell show on Friday Night

(01:22:29):
at the House of Blues, which is a straight ahead
gen X show, right, guy from Allison Chains Sparta is
the opening band for God's Sake, a little more recent
obviously than Alison Chains. But those guys are you know,
they're not Spring chickens. And so everybody in that room.
I mean, obviously there were some younger people there. Maybe
they had come to enjoy Jerry Cantrell, or maybe their

(01:22:49):
parents got him into Alison Chains back in the day,
whatever it is. But you know, that is an act
that's going to draw gen xers. And I don't know,
There's a lot of people come up to me high
very nice, but they just looked old, you know what
I think it is, And I'm like, well, we're the
same age. I mean, maybe that's what I look like

(01:23:10):
to people. I know, people say I look like a
Gramma because my hair's gray and I'm growing it out whatever,
I'm not talking about that.

Speaker 4 (01:23:14):
I mean, like, I'm still in pretty good shape. I
don't know what is it. I think it's the fact
that we never truly grew up and look at us
like I wear a hoodie and a hat to work
every single day.

Speaker 3 (01:23:27):
Yeah, but that's what all these people were wearing. That
was because they were out you know what I mean.
But that's what they're going, that's they're going out where.

Speaker 4 (01:23:33):
I'm just saying. People carry themselves way different like people.
I see people my age all the time that feel
way older than I do.

Speaker 2 (01:23:41):
I think it's because of what we do. I really do.

Speaker 4 (01:23:43):
I think like this job sort of keeps us young
well in a sense that the way we act well.

Speaker 3 (01:23:47):
And that's kind of what I was alluding to, is
like we we do live in kind of a stunted maturity.
But I don't know what these people do for a living.
Yeah you know, Yeah, the guy might be out there
selling buildos.

Speaker 4 (01:23:59):
I don't know, maybe, but he's probably still I just
I think people let their hair down in different ways,
and we just sort of always look like we're chill.
I mean, if you put this thing on, man, you're
never going to see either one of us in a tux.

Speaker 2 (01:24:13):
I don't dolt.

Speaker 3 (01:24:14):
Well you'll see me in a tux, right, Well, I
have a wedding to attend on Saturday and it's cocktail attire,
so yes, of course you're going to see me in
a tux. So actually, after six PM, What am I
a farmer? Well you do you man, I won't be
in a tux. No, but what again, I don't even
know what it is. It's nothing that could really put
my finger on.

Speaker 2 (01:24:34):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (01:24:36):
I did see an inordinate number of T shirts tucked
into cargo shorts and that just bummed me out.

Speaker 4 (01:24:41):
That that's something you would never do. Now again, it's
their fault either. I mean, you made a decision to
do that. Yeah, but you made a decision to pull
your socks up so high that you have a three
inch gap between your shorts and your socks. And at
that point, why bother just put on pants. Yeah, you
made a decision to buy those those white Nike sneakers

(01:25:06):
that every dad has, those air Monarchs.

Speaker 2 (01:25:08):
My father in law wears them orthopedic shoes out.

Speaker 4 (01:25:11):
They're just the Nike. Look up, the air Monarch. It's
every single dad wears. It's just it's the sneaker wear
a new Balance has. Oh yeah, yeah, I see these,
yeah Air Monarch. Yeah, they look very comfortable. And I
guarantee you those same dudes that had their aliceon Chains
T shirt tucked in with their pants pulled up to
their teets were wearing those sneakers guaranteed.

Speaker 3 (01:25:32):
Nike shoes are known for their dad shoe status due
to their broad appeal to older men and popularity among
dads for everyday use. How did the air monarch become
the dad shoe? I mean they're bending over backwards over
there at Sketchers Incorporated to try to make those shoes
look cool?

Speaker 2 (01:25:51):
How did the air Monarch get in there?

Speaker 4 (01:25:53):
Because they ain't cheap? It's seventy You think dads would
be looking for a deal. What's seventy bucks? I mean,
look at like, that's the same dad that's like, I
can't believe it. I just spent one hundred and fifty
hours on Jordan's from my goddamn kid.

Speaker 3 (01:26:05):
Well, right, but if you're that guy, you don't want
to spend forty bucks a shoe either.

Speaker 2 (01:26:09):
Yeah, but if the comfort shoe.

Speaker 4 (01:26:12):
And then they know they have two identical pairs of
them and one in the closet that they don't wear
and the worn out ones that they'll wear in the yard,
and they'll put on the good ones when they go out.
Maybe they know something we don't. No, they don't, I mean,
think about it. What do you like you're in Vans
or Chucks every day.

Speaker 3 (01:26:28):
I'm wearing either Palladium boots or Chucks every single day.

Speaker 4 (01:26:31):
Yeah, and I was a Van's guy until forever. I
wear Jordan's a lot, Like I just maybe these are
guys with back problems. Maybe they need a rob maybe
they need a foam mid sole.

Speaker 3 (01:26:43):
Maybe right, maybe anytime I wear a shoe like that,
I feel like I'm bouncing around. I can't walk around.
I need my feet closer to the ground just for
my gait. You know, I have a couple of pairs
of tennis shoes. I don't wear them very often. Sneakers
where you're calm, but I don't wear very often because
I feel like when I'm walking, I feel like I'm

(01:27:04):
bouncing around. Yeah, And I'm like, I know, these are
supposed to be super comfortable, and maybe they are, like
standing at a show. Maybe they're great, but anyway, I
don't know. It just it felt weird. Cotton Ball says Rob,
you bastard, I just bought my first pair of Monarchs.

Speaker 2 (01:27:22):
Well, hey, oh God for you, who is that? Cotton Balls?
He calls us all the time, Oh, cotton balls, not
too late to return them, Homie, Now.

Speaker 3 (01:27:31):
I don't know how old cotton Balls is, but he
certainly sounds younger than us. And listen, I think it's
better to look good than to feel good. But I'm
in the minority on that. And so some people are
like function over fashion. I get it right, they want
to feel comfortable. There's some people where their main goal
in life is comfort. I don't know how goddamn comfortable

(01:27:53):
people need to be all the time, people going to
the store in SpongeBob pajamas. But for some people, for
better or worse, the most important thing in their life
is that they are never ever uncomfortable.

Speaker 4 (01:28:06):
I broke a rule. I went over the weekend. I uh,
the kids, Caitlyn's obviously at school.

Speaker 2 (01:28:13):
This wasn't the rule against murder, was it? No? No,
that one I still keep.

Speaker 3 (01:28:18):
I haven't broken that since two thousand and two.

Speaker 2 (01:28:21):
Right, yeah, I'm not going to admit it here.

Speaker 4 (01:28:24):
Caitlin obviously up at school, Kelli was it asleepover and
I needed something I don't rember what it was. And
I went to meyern sweatpants okay, And I felt so
weird that I was wearing sweatpants.

Speaker 2 (01:28:36):
Out with these gray sweatpants they were.

Speaker 3 (01:28:39):
Yeah, I was.

Speaker 2 (01:28:41):
All right, trying to let that thing show. There you go.
I saw the clip rattler there in the Meyer Deli
and his friend.

Speaker 4 (01:28:51):
Yeah, yeah, all right, but I never ever do that,
you know what I mean. I threw on a pair
of shoes, but like, I don't wear flip flops out
either that often.

Speaker 2 (01:29:01):
But yeah, I wore sweatpants out. I felt like such
a jerk.

Speaker 3 (01:29:04):
Now are they like champines or were you wearing like joggers.
I see a lot of dudes, a lot of guys
kind of trying to cheat the corners there they were joggers.
They go, well, these are more cut. There's sweatpants, pro gay.
I wore gray Nike sweatpants. Okay, charcoal heather a light
gray okay, yep. I don't know what heather is, but

(01:29:25):
it was a light gray that would be a heather gray.
It was a heather gray, That's what I was wearing.
I think she was in Boogie Nights. Alan, I'm sixty five.
I agree, I don't look my age. We're going to
see Pa Firm. I'm crazier and more fun than anybody
my age. See, Yeah, you know, they always go well

(01:29:47):
as long as you know, the the most fun loving
old people you'll see are the people in pharmaceutical commercials.
They're riding horses, they're surfing, they're going to jazz festivals,
whatever it is, and not a monarch among.

Speaker 4 (01:30:05):
Them and doing that all with a leaky bum from
whatever medications they're taking.

Speaker 3 (01:30:11):
Let your doctor know if you have suicidal ideations. My
nine year old laughs at that stuff, right, because you
can recall a time where pharmaceutical commercials were few and
far between, but with the advent of streaming, they're in
everything now forever, you know, and not even they used
to be kind of confined to television shows that were

(01:30:34):
geared to an older demographic. Right, you'd see a lot
of pharmaceutical ads during like mathlock or Murder she wrote,
or whatever it was, right Fox News, it's all catheters
and all that crap.

Speaker 2 (01:30:44):
But they really are everywhere now.

Speaker 3 (01:30:47):
Yeah, so you can't get away from them.

Speaker 4 (01:30:51):
My youngest, you know, back in the day medication, the
only thing she ever knew you'd take it for was
a headache, you know. Yeah, And we were watching television
and one of those came on and it was like
a thirty seconds of what could happen if you take
this medication and Kylie looks at me and she goes, dad,
I think I'd rather have a headache.

Speaker 3 (01:31:08):
It was like, yes, of course, yeah, I'm done, kid. Yeah, No,
I have person and I have a lot of pairs
of shoes. I hate to admit it because I wear
the same goddamn two pair all the time. But I
do have quite a few pairs of shoes. I have
precisely one pair of white shoes. I have a pair
of white Steve Maddens with like a saw tooth sole
on them. I couldn't tell you the last time I
wore them, because I'm like, where the hell am I

(01:31:28):
gonna wear these, you know, white shoes that they're immediately
scuffed and they look terrible whatever.

Speaker 4 (01:31:36):
But I bought like the Forest Gump Nikes a while
back too. Okay, those are white with red. Yeah, but
they do they get They get filthy so fast. That's
why I only wear my Jordan's like once in a
blue moon. That's like my dress shoe. Now, I don't
wear dress shoes or any of that crap.

Speaker 2 (01:31:52):
Went to the marble room. I wore those sneakers.

Speaker 3 (01:31:54):
Dah, you didn't wear your gray sweatpants of the marble room. Da, No,
check out my marbles. I'll take the check right here. No, sir,
dinner is on us. Don't you worry at all?

Speaker 2 (01:32:06):
Dinner? That's right, table for two? No, I'm alone, thank you?
Oh so still for two? Alan?

Speaker 3 (01:32:15):
What's wrong with wearing sweatpants out in public? I wear
them all the time to the strip club. Well there
you go right again. There's if there's nothing wrong with it.
It's just something I feel like I shouldn't do.

Speaker 2 (01:32:29):
If you do it. God bless you boy.

Speaker 4 (01:32:31):
Cotton Balls did not care for your assessment of those
air monarchs.

Speaker 2 (01:32:35):
He did not like that at all.

Speaker 4 (01:32:37):
Alan, I got a problem with your loud mouth buddy
over there, Rob, what's wrong with air monarchs?

Speaker 2 (01:32:42):
I just got done getting harassed by my friends about him?
Now you got to kick me in the.

Speaker 4 (01:32:46):
Balls or comfy ang, go golfing, hang, mow the grass,
whatever I want them?

Speaker 2 (01:32:53):
Where'd you get your shoes? The toilet store, cotton Balls,
westward is the toilet that? Yeah?

Speaker 3 (01:33:02):
Well listen, I'll tell you what he gave himself away.

Speaker 2 (01:33:06):
I can go golfing golf, Come on.

Speaker 4 (01:33:10):
That's why all those people are walking around with their
T shirt tucked into their shorts.

Speaker 2 (01:33:14):
They're golfers, they're used to that. MM. Where'd you get
your shoes? The toilet store?

Speaker 4 (01:33:23):
And I love the best part of that whole call
was I just got finished getting my balls busted.

Speaker 2 (01:33:29):
On my friends. So clearly I'm not alone in my
beliefs here, pal.

Speaker 3 (01:33:33):
No, but you know what, you gotta do what you love.

Speaker 2 (01:33:37):
Yeah, I agree.

Speaker 3 (01:33:38):
You can't let anybody yuck here yum.

Speaker 2 (01:33:41):
I am absolutely someone who does not care.

Speaker 4 (01:33:43):
If I want to do something, I'm going to do something,
There's no question about it.

Speaker 2 (01:33:47):
You gotta take the good at the bag. You're gonna
catch the lumps for that.

Speaker 11 (01:33:50):
Car show on.

Speaker 14 (01:33:56):
All I know this violates every canon of respect the book.

Speaker 5 (01:34:03):
On one point seven double mms.

Speaker 3 (01:34:08):
Speaking of the iHeartRadio out, there's that talkback button there.

Speaker 2 (01:34:10):
You can always leave us messages if you like.

Speaker 23 (01:34:12):
What listening to yesterday's show and when let me time,
Perez Builton comes on the intro song. I know it's
pre recorded, but it all it always sounds like Mary
or pound Cake, But I think Mary. It sounds like
she's singing like along with it on the high note.

Speaker 2 (01:34:31):
Like her libity.

Speaker 14 (01:34:33):
Gus it's like she's harmonizing with it. It just sounds
like that to me, all right, by.

Speaker 2 (01:34:40):
She is not I would like to hear.

Speaker 3 (01:34:43):
Simply because it is one of her favorite bits of
the entire week. And so go ahead, singer, Sorry, Mary,
that was your cue to come in again.

Speaker 12 (01:34:55):
That was me.

Speaker 6 (01:34:55):
I was singing that whole by myself harmonized.

Speaker 3 (01:34:58):
I was in the way that you're so prone to
to do, getting the sense that she is not taking
it serious.

Speaker 6 (01:35:12):
That's my singing voice. It's not as red. Listen, yes
it is. You don't know me.

Speaker 2 (01:35:37):
Maybe it is.

Speaker 11 (01:35:38):
Maybe.

Speaker 4 (01:35:39):
Oh boy, hmm, all right, Alan, you keep lying and
not admitting you're wrong like the rest of your liberal friends. Yeah,
everything about Biden and Fauci apparently lying all the time
because that Alex Jones club is black.

Speaker 2 (01:35:58):
I'm not Fauci. I don't lie, boy.

Speaker 3 (01:36:01):
Anthony Fauci was the greatest thing to ever happen to
these dopes, somebody to hang their hat on. But also
he's not even in like in the government anymore, and
they're like Fauci.

Speaker 20 (01:36:13):
This is how things when you get more information, things change,
And that's not for some people.

Speaker 2 (01:36:20):
I know. It's ridiculous. By the way, what happened?

Speaker 4 (01:36:23):
And I've had a couple of people ask me, Mary Lynn,
what what happened to that tick that you had on
your arm before we went to break You had.

Speaker 3 (01:36:30):
Some big old puss filled. Didn't you have a fluid
filled pustewel in your body or something?

Speaker 6 (01:36:38):
It's so cold in here, no fluid filled.

Speaker 5 (01:36:41):
Turn it up.

Speaker 6 (01:36:42):
It's almost god.

Speaker 3 (01:36:43):
Oh yeah, right, you had ringworm underneath your opening for
a chimera.

Speaker 2 (01:36:47):
By the way, on May thirteenth, ringworm.

Speaker 6 (01:36:49):
My circle is opening for chimera, in case you didn't know. Yeah,
so it's just like faint. I started putting a loutremin
ultra on it. It started to go away.

Speaker 2 (01:36:59):
Turn that up a little bit.

Speaker 4 (01:37:00):
I'm gonna yeah, it's okay, because I.

Speaker 3 (01:37:02):
Came in after having a whizz and I was like,
what's chili in here? It was so so hot during
the meeting. Yeah, because all that body heat. There's rarely
that many people here.

Speaker 4 (01:37:11):
What'd you turn up to seventy two?

Speaker 6 (01:37:14):
Not even gonna get to that by the time the
show's open.

Speaker 2 (01:37:16):
It will moves, baby pulp can move.

Speaker 6 (01:37:19):
Yeah, you can't really tell it anymore. I mean you can
see like a barely an outline of it. But I
see because I bought the lotriman specifically for ringworm, and
I wasn't doing anything, so I switched to trust.

Speaker 2 (01:37:30):
They make low Triman specifically for work.

Speaker 6 (01:37:33):
They may get specifically for ringworm for athletes for like, Wait,
but that's in the description or is the name on
the bottle loa Triman ringworm.

Speaker 2 (01:37:43):
It's called low trim ringworm. Is it coming to tube?

Speaker 6 (01:37:45):
Yes, just like regular lutrimen. And so that wasn't working.

Speaker 3 (01:37:49):
I don't know anything about low Triman. I've heard of it,
but anti cream, I hope I never have to know
anything low triman ring worms.

Speaker 6 (01:37:57):
I switched from loutriman ringworm to lutriman. There is trim
aff Yeah, that's what I have.

Speaker 2 (01:38:05):
Wow, I got ringworm af Son.

Speaker 6 (01:38:08):
Yeah, it's it's clear enough.

Speaker 2 (01:38:10):
So you don't know what you had.

Speaker 6 (01:38:12):
No, but whatever, this lotman's working because you've had thrush
that was in my mouth.

Speaker 3 (01:38:17):
I understand. It's just something that people don't normally get sure.
So we were rightly concerned that your ringworm might have
been a bigger deal.

Speaker 2 (01:38:27):
And thank god it's not.

Speaker 6 (01:38:29):
Well Cream Action curring it up lo.

Speaker 3 (01:38:31):
Triman, af athletes, foot ringworm, jock itch.

Speaker 2 (01:38:38):
I gotta say.

Speaker 3 (01:38:39):
I was a wrestler for many years, high school, part
of college. You can get sweaty, yes, of course, athletes.
I never understood jock itch.

Speaker 6 (01:38:50):
And you know that it's just an use infection of
the skin.

Speaker 4 (01:38:53):
Yeah, yes, it seems to me. Maybe you've got too
many folds. If that's happened, I don't have ye Oh, no, guys,
you have a jock jock itch.

Speaker 3 (01:39:03):
It's a nice way of saying, hey, clean yourself or
I don't know. I mean, people get sweaty, and I
understand bodies are different, but that's why you and fungle
infection on your.

Speaker 6 (01:39:15):
Junk is not on your junk, Actually, get it's.

Speaker 4 (01:39:18):
On your junk or you're inner thigh or your.

Speaker 6 (01:39:20):
Ass or you know, in a kitchen. So in the
jock area, he'd work like fourteen hour days in a
hot kitchen and he'd get.

Speaker 2 (01:39:28):
That, homie. I worked in restaurants for many years.

Speaker 6 (01:39:31):
You're never in the kitchen though.

Speaker 2 (01:39:32):
In and out of the kitchen all night long.

Speaker 6 (01:39:34):
Not the same as being in front of a fryer
or a hot grill for fourteen straight hours.

Speaker 3 (01:39:39):
Yeah, how do you get jocketch from being in front
of the hot grill the whole day sixteen Yeah, but
then you go home in your shower, right.

Speaker 4 (01:39:47):
But if you're but sixteen hours in front of yeah,
it happens. Well, clearly it does.

Speaker 3 (01:39:55):
I'm just saying like, after a long day of working
the grill, I mean, going home in showering every night.

Speaker 4 (01:40:01):
Doesn't fix it. Not if you were sound.

Speaker 20 (01:40:04):
Thing it might be if you're very sweaty in front
of the group, because it would happen, uh when I
would work and work for my dad, because you're outside
working all day and you're sweaty and stuff like that,
so you have to gold.

Speaker 2 (01:40:17):
Bound up the old boys down there.

Speaker 4 (01:40:20):
You stayed dry in the crotchela area.

Speaker 6 (01:40:23):
Croutchel the sun word.

Speaker 2 (01:40:25):
Can we ask Mary about her long lost brother? I
don't know what that means.

Speaker 6 (01:40:29):
Oh, I knew this was gonna come up after I
did Crystal Quantico. I've never talked about this on air.

Speaker 2 (01:40:36):
Oh this is from Chris mcwonzica.

Speaker 6 (01:40:38):
Yeah, I've never talked about it on air before, but
I did do a bit. I have a bit about
how after my dad died, we found out that he
might have another kid.

Speaker 2 (01:40:46):
Oh, a secret family.

Speaker 6 (01:40:47):
See, not a secret family. So it's another kid is
a secret family?

Speaker 18 (01:40:51):
Right.

Speaker 6 (01:40:51):
It's uh, it's not as flashy as I make it
sound in the joke. Obviously it's embellished for the joke,
but essentially what happened was.

Speaker 2 (01:40:58):
Have they ever embellished any my jokes?

Speaker 6 (01:40:59):
By the way, You're right?

Speaker 2 (01:41:03):
Essentially?

Speaker 6 (01:41:03):
So, the day that I wrote my dad's obituary, I
came over to my sister's house and everybody was there
and I was like reading it to them, and I
was like, how does this sound? My mom and my
one brother were super quiet and weird, and I was
like what. And my mom was like, well, you might
have to add someone to that obituary. And I was like,
who did I leave out? And she like her my
brother kept being weird, and I was like what, Like,
tell me what's going on?

Speaker 2 (01:41:24):
Oh, this was known to.

Speaker 6 (01:41:26):
My mom and my oldest brother and.

Speaker 2 (01:41:29):
You were in the dark, but not everybody.

Speaker 6 (01:41:30):
So everybody else was just my mom and my oldest
brother apparently knew about this. And I was like, we're
you talking about and she goes, your dad might have
another kid out there. I was like, what do you mean?
He might have another kid. I guess when my mom
and my dad first started dating, he was also hooking
up with a married lady, and he got the married

(01:41:52):
lady pregnant, but she never she had a husband, so
she never told her husband I was sleeping with somebody
else not pregnant. So she and my dad just called
things off, and then he started seeing my mom. So
this married lady never told her husband that their kid
might not be there.

Speaker 3 (01:42:11):
Lying.

Speaker 6 (01:42:13):
I was like, Mom, so what you want us to
do is call this dude that no one in our
family has ever had any type of interaction with him,
Say and say the dad that you grew up knowing
is not your real dad, and your real dad is dead.
And also none of this might be true. Can't you
take a DNA test?

Speaker 18 (01:42:30):
Kid?

Speaker 6 (01:42:31):
Doesn't mean she was hel bent on the phone gones,
she was hell bent on the fact, like that is
your father's son, and you need to tell him he
has a.

Speaker 2 (01:42:41):
Right to know.

Speaker 6 (01:42:41):
I'm like, we're not blown up this guy's life right now,
that's ridiculous.

Speaker 2 (01:42:45):
He's not ten, he's forty, right, Yeah, he.

Speaker 6 (01:42:47):
Was the same age as my older brother. So my
mom got pregnant shortly after this lady got pregnant. So
that's why my older brother knew about it. Wow, but yeah,
so that's I have a joke about it where I
talk about finding out my dad had another kid.

Speaker 2 (01:42:59):
And how did it? Is his real name the name
in the joke?

Speaker 6 (01:43:02):
No, his real name is. I say the name Carl
in the joke because it's a funny name.

Speaker 2 (01:43:05):
What's the joke?

Speaker 6 (01:43:07):
It's like a three minutes.

Speaker 2 (01:43:08):
Oh, how did it turn out?

Speaker 11 (01:43:10):
Though?

Speaker 2 (01:43:10):
Did he end up coming or no? We didn't even content?

Speaker 6 (01:43:13):
No, there's no way to do it on a d
L Yeah, yeah, there's no point. And can you even
do a DNA test if the person's dead, Like, would
they be able to compare it to my dad's DNA?

Speaker 3 (01:43:22):
They would be able to. They would probably be able to, guys,
compare it to you. Guys, they need four we.

Speaker 6 (01:43:27):
Have different moms.

Speaker 2 (01:43:28):
Yeah, but you can.

Speaker 3 (01:43:29):
But your dad's DNA is still if there was any
kind of match, they would go, yeah, this is your brother.

Speaker 6 (01:43:34):
Fifty matched with this person.

Speaker 9 (01:43:35):
I was like, haven't you ever heard of like twenty
three meters that's what they do?

Speaker 6 (01:43:38):
Yeah, I guess, but yeah, my mom My mom brought
it up because her thought process was although you think
wish she could include him in the obituary. I'm like, Mom, No,
nobody's ever met this guy.

Speaker 3 (01:43:48):
I get these people who are insistent on I say
this what I call this throwing tacks in the road.

Speaker 6 (01:43:52):
There's no points.

Speaker 3 (01:43:53):
I accuse Gwen of this all the time. We'll be
doing something with our daughter or something, and the situation
will be set.

Speaker 4 (01:43:58):
Yeah, this is what's going to happen, and Gwen will go, well,
maybe you like to do I go, there's mom throwing.

Speaker 6 (01:44:03):
Tax in the road again, already had it all.

Speaker 3 (01:44:05):
That's right, your you know and women, right, she's trying
to be cool. But I mean, uh, that's what your
mom's doing, throwing tax in the road. Yes, this is
a set situation. This isn't going to improve anyone's life.

Speaker 6 (01:44:18):
That's exactly what we were saying when we were like, Mom,
there's zero benefit.

Speaker 3 (01:44:21):
It's a guy he didn't know, right, would you care
if a stranger died?

Speaker 11 (01:44:25):
No?

Speaker 2 (01:44:25):
Exactly.

Speaker 6 (01:44:26):
And now what now you're gonna if his parents are
still married, We're going to blow up their marriage.

Speaker 2 (01:44:30):
Right, Maybe he cares that he's got a celebrity sister.
The Mary Santa.

Speaker 6 (01:44:36):
Headlining Hilarity is juniorary fifteen.

Speaker 2 (01:44:38):
Did you immediately look him up on Facebook and see
what he looks like?

Speaker 6 (01:44:40):
So, I guess my brother went.

Speaker 2 (01:44:42):
To trouble Land.

Speaker 3 (01:44:42):
Is you also want to make sure that this dude's
not hot, so that none of you Okay.

Speaker 6 (01:44:47):
My brother, older brother went to school with him, so
he's showing us pictures and everyone, and then everyone's like, oh,
he definitely looks like dead. I was like, we all
look so generic. We're all just blonde haired, green eyed kids,
Like we all look like other white person.

Speaker 2 (01:45:00):
So, but you know, if somebody looks like you, I mean, not.

Speaker 9 (01:45:04):
Really Okay, but how can you how can you play
that cool when you have a half brother?

Speaker 6 (01:45:10):
Maybe but it's not even we don't even know if
it's for sure him.

Speaker 3 (01:45:14):
But I don't know a lot of eggs in that basket,
but in a maybe basket. I don't know if I
could do that, like going to school seeing this dude
every day a half brother.

Speaker 6 (01:45:24):
I don't know that my brother knew about it at
the time.

Speaker 2 (01:45:27):
At the time, okay, they.

Speaker 6 (01:45:28):
Were friends on Facebook because they went to school together.
So I think my mom or dad might have told
him down the road. I don't think that my brother
knew that growing up.

Speaker 20 (01:45:38):
If you are the half brother and you know Colin
right now two on.

Speaker 6 (01:45:41):
Six seven eight one was no one contacted him, no
one reached out or anything unless his mom opened up
about this story. Some reason.

Speaker 4 (01:45:52):
I can't imagine she would because think.

Speaker 9 (01:45:54):
About all the child like maybe not child board, but
if they got divorced, and like kids come into play
once they it's the divorce like custody. This guy had
to uproot his life to take care of this kid,
and when it could possibly not be his kid, I'll
have trust issues. I'm not even straight, and I got
trust issues. That's ridiculous.

Speaker 3 (01:46:13):
This twenty I have a twenty three in me in
process as we speak, because I don't, you know, I'm
always like I don't really know what I am. I
did like an ancestry dot Com thing, but that's not
a DNA thing. That's like tracing your family through whatever.
So I finally did a twenty three in me and
they give you a timeline and they said, we're genotyping
your whatever, and so it's going to be done in

(01:46:35):
a few weeks.

Speaker 2 (01:46:36):
But what comes out of these I.

Speaker 3 (01:46:38):
Want to know if I'm well, sure, Irish or whatever,
I know I'm white, but I want to know more
specifically than that.

Speaker 2 (01:46:44):
On my dad's side. We know what we are on
my mom's side.

Speaker 3 (01:46:47):
But what comes out of these a lot more and
more is people finding out that they have siblings. I'm
not concerned about that, but a lot of people, and
these companies are starting to tell people, hey, FYI, when
you do these twenty three and me, if there's anything
hinky in your family, you might find out some things
you don't. It's like in the disclaimer now, when I

(01:47:09):
took the thing out, they go, hey, f yi. Oh yeah,
just so you know, I don't remember how legaliese. They
put it in diplomatically in corporate speak, but you know,
results may differ from the familial, you know whatever.

Speaker 6 (01:47:24):
So actually, the night that my mom told us all
about that was the same night my Brian.

Speaker 4 (01:47:30):
Why can't I talk about.

Speaker 2 (01:47:31):
Him, right?

Speaker 6 (01:47:31):
Brian said, Honey, No, it's the first night that he
met my family. So everyone was in town obviously because
my dad passed away, and the night that he came
over for the first time to meet all my brothers
and sisters is when this bomb was dressed on everybody
and we kind of walked outside because we were leaving.
Not shortly after that, we had to get his daughter home,

(01:47:52):
and I was like kind of messed up, and I
was like angry and aggravated and all this kind of stuff.
And I like, as soon as we stepped outside of
my so's house, Brian looks at me and he just
goes Jerry jy. I was like, I don't even know, Like,
this is not the way I thought you were going
to meet my family. To be honest with you, yeah,
what if.

Speaker 3 (01:48:11):
You found out that this dude had purchased a bunch
of footpicks from you?

Speaker 6 (01:48:14):
That would be weird if he ended up being my
half brother. Oh no, gross, I.

Speaker 4 (01:48:21):
Mean only fan he was on my sisters. I recognize
those feet.

Speaker 6 (01:48:29):
Yeah, like if we had the same feet, Like he
bought the pictures of mine and he's like, wait a minute,
those are just like mine, our dad's feet.

Speaker 3 (01:48:38):
I could just be taking pictures of my own feet
mm hmm. And my jaw dropped when Mary did that
joke on stage.

Speaker 6 (01:48:46):
Yeah, I well, because I've never talked about it on
air before, but I do it in my stand up routine.
I have a whole you know, section about my dad
passing away. And that's one part of it. And uh,
I'm actually surprised that it's taken this long for somebody
to say something about it, because I was like, I'm
not going to be it up if it comes up
after someone sees the show, and I've been I mean,
I've been doing that joke since my dad died. I've
been doing that joke almost two years. So there you go.

Speaker 3 (01:49:09):
No one has come for no one's blown up the spot.

Speaker 6 (01:49:11):
No one said it.

Speaker 3 (01:49:12):
They're two, you know, they're too they want to keep
it professional, keep the peace, that's right. They're too embarrassed.

Speaker 2 (01:49:21):
They're like, they.

Speaker 6 (01:49:22):
Don't want to ask. I don't want to, but they
don't want to be the guy who asks for him.

Speaker 4 (01:49:26):
I would.

Speaker 3 (01:49:27):
I'm sure there would be a part of your brain
that would want information you didn't have, But by the
time you're forty and you have your own family or
your own kids, like, who cares. I didn't know this
guy when he was alive. Who cares if I find out?

Speaker 18 (01:49:40):
Right?

Speaker 6 (01:49:41):
Only downside there's it's there was no positives to the situation.
And that's what we were all trying to tell My
mom and she's like, I don't.

Speaker 2 (01:49:46):
Know why That's why I'm so surprised, you guys.

Speaker 18 (01:49:49):
Po.

Speaker 6 (01:49:50):
She loves it. She loves drama more than any person,
my mom, more than any person ever wanted.

Speaker 2 (01:49:54):
So unnecessary.

Speaker 6 (01:49:55):
She just likes trauma.

Speaker 2 (01:49:56):
Man, She likes blowing up other people's lives.

Speaker 6 (01:49:59):
Oh yeah, actual, well, that.

Speaker 2 (01:50:00):
Goes beyond drama. I mean drama's like did you hear what?

Speaker 3 (01:50:03):
Jane?

Speaker 2 (01:50:04):
Did it work? That's drama.

Speaker 6 (01:50:05):
She would be like, did you Jane did?

Speaker 4 (01:50:07):
I'm gonna call her o kah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:50:09):
Make sure he knows.

Speaker 3 (01:50:10):
If you remember Afro Man, remember Afroman?

Speaker 2 (01:50:13):
He had one big hit.

Speaker 3 (01:50:14):
He had because I got high. And he lives in Ohio.
He lives in suburban Cincinnati. I think we talked about
this a while ago, that the sheriff's deputies rolled into
this guy's joint, knocking down doors and because they were
looking for all they said, they were looking for h

(01:50:34):
drug trafficking and somebody had accused him of human trafficking
all kinds of They were bound and determined to find
some kind of trafficking. And they took some pot, took
about five grand in cash, but they didn't file any charges.
But they came in hot because all these local municipalities.
Now you know they have tanks and all kinds of stuff,

(01:50:57):
so you know they're going to serve a bench warrant
and through the whole place anyway. Afro Man, always ready
to polish a turd, always ready to find the silver lining,
has already created two new songs on the subject.

Speaker 2 (01:51:15):
One of them is called Lemon pound.

Speaker 13 (01:51:17):
Cake the Adams County Sheer kick down my Door.

Speaker 11 (01:51:27):
Then I heard the glass.

Speaker 5 (01:51:29):
Pray, very literal songround.

Speaker 21 (01:51:33):
No kidnapping victims, just some pound.

Speaker 2 (01:51:43):
By the boardwalk, right, yeah.

Speaker 13 (01:51:49):
It made the share off one and put it down
his gun. They cut him.

Speaker 2 (01:51:56):
Right, so you know he's got lemon pound cake. Still
got it?

Speaker 16 (01:51:58):
Man?

Speaker 4 (01:51:59):
You got it?

Speaker 14 (01:51:59):
Have you are?

Speaker 18 (01:52:02):
Oh? Yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:52:02):
Look at me?

Speaker 3 (01:52:03):
I look like a ghost now because the sun is
beating right on my face.

Speaker 6 (01:52:07):
Do you want my sunglasses?

Speaker 13 (01:52:08):
No?

Speaker 2 (01:52:08):
Thank you, tortoise shell.

Speaker 3 (01:52:11):
And then the other song is called will you help
Me repair My Door? Because obviously he incurred some costs
from them just rolling in and tearing through the place.
You can stream these. He'll get a cut. He's just
trying to make his way in the world. Show you

(01:52:32):
the video him.

Speaker 11 (01:52:36):
Will you help me repair my gay? Will you help
me repair my door. If you're fine what you're looking for,
will you help me repair.

Speaker 2 (01:52:57):
My game or yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:53:00):
So listen, he's he's trying to make diamonds from rust stuff.

Speaker 2 (01:53:07):
But God bless Afroman.

Speaker 3 (01:53:09):
Now, I don't know in fact that he's not trafficking
drugs or people. They just didn't find any evidence to
support that. I think he had to sue them to
get his money back, because that's that's the sneaky thing too.
They'll just come in take stuff and then you've got
to fight tooth and nail to get it back.

Speaker 14 (01:53:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 20 (01:53:28):
The seizures that they do are pretty dirty at times. Yeah,
pretty egregious.

Speaker 3 (01:53:36):
I mean he had to really fight tooth and nail
to get his five grand back, and they gave him
forty six hundred back because, of course minus what a
four hundred dollars convenience feems.

Speaker 2 (01:53:49):
Processing is processing.

Speaker 4 (01:53:50):
Well, you know, all that stuff we took from you,
we had to process it. So that's what the four
hundred dollars like, the same thing with your comic books,
Like we're going to charge you a fee since these
comic books hot track, but.

Speaker 2 (01:54:00):
They're performing a service.

Speaker 3 (01:54:02):
When the cops come in and roll through Afroman's gait
in his door and start taking his lemon pound cake
and then charge him four hundred dollars.

Speaker 2 (01:54:12):
They're not providing a service man. I like that a
car show on one hundred seven.

Speaker 4 (01:54:23):
When you realize things could always be worse, he'll be
here to I'll prove you right. Correct.

Speaker 8 (01:54:30):
Allan cocks a rod one ten thousand dollars for a
student he made a half court shot and one money
for a kid.

Speaker 3 (01:54:43):
You see that at the Army Buckno game. They get
a rod out there for the half court shot.

Speaker 4 (01:54:51):
And he gets it. He bounces it off the backboard
a little bit. It goes in.

Speaker 3 (01:54:55):
Won ten thousand dollars for a student who is from
philadel Ay. Rod said, we've converted him from a Phillies
fan to a Yankee fan. Not so fast, i'd say,
but nevertheless, he's ten thousand dollars richer.

Speaker 2 (01:55:12):
So congratulations to that person.

Speaker 4 (01:55:15):
I wonder if he slid into j Lo's DMS since
she got single again.

Speaker 3 (01:55:19):
Absolutely didn't he break up with his fiance? I think
so yeah?

Speaker 2 (01:55:25):
I mean, why not? Right? Kid Rock dumped his for
Lauren Bobert. He's such a boy. I hope he's snipped.

Speaker 3 (01:55:33):
Kid Rock and Lauren Bobert. Well, listen, there's a lid
for every pot.

Speaker 2 (01:55:40):
Right.

Speaker 3 (01:55:44):
The Yankees saw Alex Verdugo without a beard for one
season and decided to change that rule. Now, there was
a dude on the Yankees who they said was kind
of instrumental, a guy who who plays for them now,
who they said was.

Speaker 2 (01:56:02):
Instrumental in getting the rule change. That's probably who they're
talking about. Alex Radugo. He had a huge beard in
Boston and they made him shave it with the Yankees.
Is that what it is?

Speaker 3 (01:56:10):
Yeah, So Devin Williams is who I'm reading about. Okay,
Devin Williams, who was traded to the Yankees from the Brewers,
caused a minor stern when facial hair was visible in
his new team photo. I mean literally, the guy had
like a I'll show it to He had like a
stubble goateee.

Speaker 2 (01:56:31):
And this was the height of scandal there in New York.

Speaker 4 (01:56:36):
In New York, by the way, where you should be
able to do whatever the frigging hell you want.

Speaker 2 (01:56:45):
But okay, I want to wear those pinstripes. Rules is rules, baby, Hey.

Speaker 12 (01:56:50):
Alan, it's Laura Colin from Madison Florida, checking in saying hello.
Last time I was in Switzerland. This time, I'm justin Florida.

Speaker 27 (01:56:59):
But love on the show, love the chemistry between you
and Rob, and welcome to Kat.

Speaker 12 (01:57:04):
I think she's a great addition. But I wanted to
tell you I was listening to the show on Friday
and you were complaining about your stomach feeling off, a
little queasy, little weird. I just wanted to help you out.
I think those are hunger pains.

Speaker 27 (01:57:19):
What you're doing right, Not a quarter bagel, a whole
half a bagel, and then you will feel better. See,
I'm a nurse, so I know these things.

Speaker 12 (01:57:27):
I can help you out. But anyway, you guys are
doing great. You're making me laugh a lot as i'm
working out. Hate the show.

Speaker 2 (01:57:35):
Bye. Yeah, you're not making me laugh, Laura, I see
what you're doing.

Speaker 4 (01:57:37):
I get it. Hey, I will have you know.

Speaker 3 (01:57:42):
Joke's on you, right, everyone knows after I tell them,
everybody's everybody's going to know. Listen this weekend, by the way,
I had three pieces of pizza.

Speaker 2 (01:57:55):
Hell yeah, all weekend or in one sitting all weekend.
Oh god, you had.

Speaker 4 (01:58:04):
One piece and then like later one piece and the
next day one piece.

Speaker 3 (01:58:07):
No, I had two pieces when it was fresh. And
the next I leave my pizzas out right and I'll
refrigerate him, leave it on the stove in the box,
box closed. And then the next morning I had a
piece for breakfast.

Speaker 2 (01:58:25):
Get me any points, no, and get the runs.

Speaker 4 (01:58:27):
Well, I'm just saying that sounds like way too much
pizza for you. Oh no, huh nope. So I had
three pieces of pizza. So take that, Laura with your
half bagel. Nonsense. I didn't eat any and we had
it at the house. I'm being a good boy man.
I'm staying I did drink a lot yesterday, but I'm

(01:58:48):
being good about Oh good for you.

Speaker 3 (01:58:51):
Yeah, oh yeah, Wait, you drank a lot, but you
didn't eat. I mean that doesn't sound like a recipe.

Speaker 2 (01:58:56):
For any No. I just I ate. I just ate
things I didn't like.

Speaker 4 (01:59:01):
I came home and there was a pizza sitting there,
and I was like, oh, I want to eat a pizza,
but I didn't.

Speaker 2 (01:59:06):
All right, you see, I drank my calories yesterday a lot.
It's aggressive.

Speaker 21 (01:59:14):
A lot.

Speaker 4 (01:59:15):
Yeah, and different things too.

Speaker 2 (01:59:24):
I love that one, h.

Speaker 4 (01:59:30):
Okay, drank a lot eight good things all weekend, all
week A.

Speaker 2 (01:59:37):
Way to head your bets. I mean, it's good, always, good.

Speaker 4 (01:59:40):
Job, It's pretty some of this fat Get that Stefanski
look going there you go, I'm telling you, dude, that
one's bad.

Speaker 2 (01:59:56):
I don't know.

Speaker 4 (01:59:56):
Just going on to the show, I was still moist. Okay, buddy, Yeah, okay,
the jo hand gesture every time I say that I
just got out of a shower.

Speaker 3 (02:00:07):
Maybe he did. He did a shower afterwards. I just
got out.

Speaker 4 (02:00:12):
I didn't realize I would need another one shortly thereafter.

Speaker 2 (02:00:16):
Forcing farts in an elevator.

Speaker 3 (02:00:17):
I don't know what kind of life he's leading. I
take him at his word. Why would he make.

Speaker 4 (02:00:21):
That up because he doesn't want to admit that he
crept himself forcing a fart for you.

Speaker 3 (02:00:26):
I don't think that anybody who's sending me their farts
is shy about copping to leave it a skid.

Speaker 2 (02:00:33):
Oh, I think so?

Speaker 3 (02:00:35):
Oh boy, Ellen, airline pilots have to shave every day. Okay,
but I'm sure I've seen airline pilots with facial hair, right,
I mean I would assume.

Speaker 4 (02:00:46):
I would assume too.

Speaker 2 (02:00:48):
But you're also assuming he's talking about facial hair.

Speaker 4 (02:00:51):
D you know what you might be right there?

Speaker 2 (02:00:54):
Those pants look kind of tight. No room for a
big old bush.

Speaker 4 (02:00:58):
Frank, did you just shave that the ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 3 (02:01:01):
The pilot, Yeah, that's right. I'm assuming, I'm assuming. No,
Maybe he was shaving the controls the joystick.

Speaker 2 (02:01:14):
They call it? What do they call that?

Speaker 3 (02:01:15):
The plane? There you go? Probably steering wheel? Yes, a
yoke and with eggs being so expensive, yes, the control
wheel or control column a yoke device used for piloting.
Some fixed wing aircrew.

Speaker 4 (02:01:36):
We have to shave the yolk before work every day.

Speaker 2 (02:01:40):
Hey, I shaved my yoke. Well we can add that
one to the list. Yeah, shaving the yoke. What are
you doing?

Speaker 4 (02:01:48):
I'm just in here shaving the yoke. Bro, I don't
know what you're.

Speaker 21 (02:01:55):
Now.

Speaker 2 (02:01:55):
I'm so behind on the show.

Speaker 4 (02:01:57):
I haven't been able to watch in a hot minute.

Speaker 2 (02:01:59):
And that ketching up today and O m G.

Speaker 4 (02:02:02):
You finally got inked.

Speaker 3 (02:02:05):
I did. I'm the first tattoo over the weekend, A
great grant tailor out there at Matrix Tattoo in menor
did my he did a great job.

Speaker 4 (02:02:15):
Man the top. That's I got a Chicago flag arm
band on my forearm.

Speaker 2 (02:02:21):
That blue color is just so brilliant. I really really
like it.

Speaker 4 (02:02:24):
I love it like I saw it like I said,
the pictures and then seeing it in person, like it
looks good on the on the live stream, but it's
not like seeing it in person is completely different.

Speaker 2 (02:02:32):
It came out really good.

Speaker 4 (02:02:34):
Yeah, my third grade is obsessed with it.

Speaker 2 (02:02:36):
I think my kids are just so used to me.

Speaker 4 (02:02:38):
They don't know me never, you know, I've always had them, yes,
so I don't even think that they care that. Like
their names are tattooed on me and their writing right,
it's okay, yeah, cool, whatever, Alan.

Speaker 3 (02:02:52):
I got my name on the tequila Wall of Fame
at the bar you're going to this weekend, and they
spelled my name wrong in the engraved tag. Well, I'm
not sure which I'm gonna do West Park Station on
Friday night and then Saturday night I'm at the porch
in Willoughby. I assume maybe you're talking about the latter.
The only time I've ever had one of those lockers
was that the old Morton's. Was it Morton's, the old

(02:03:15):
Morton's in Pittsburgh, many many years ago? You know you
had the lockers or you bring you put your own
booze in there. Yeah, and you get your name on
the little brass plaque and then you tell them which
one you've got and then they open it up.

Speaker 4 (02:03:28):
It's very ostentatious. Did they spell cocks wrong?

Speaker 2 (02:03:31):
They did not? Okayod no, no.

Speaker 4 (02:03:35):
Coccyx was how I used to spell my name, and
they nailed it.

Speaker 3 (02:03:40):
So uh alm. The chance of that asteroid hitting the
Earth dropped to four one hundredths of a percent. I'm
over this. I'm not saying it's seven years away. They
went from three percent to one point five back up
then now it's for one thousands of a percent or whatever.

Speaker 4 (02:03:59):
I'm not paying attention to this.

Speaker 3 (02:04:03):
Because I don't know why they're even mentioning it this
far out. Nothing they can do. They don't know if
it's gonna hit, they don't know where it's gonna hit.
This is all, you know. It's interesting, I think to
astronomers and people who study these things and track these things,
it's very interesting to them. But for the rest of

(02:04:25):
us dummies, all we get are like the condensed information.

Speaker 2 (02:04:30):
It's blow one percent.

Speaker 3 (02:04:32):
We don't know what that means, so we'll act accordingly.
Where you know, they say well, if it's gonna hit,
it'll be in late twenty thirty two. I'll start paying
attention in summer of twenty thirty two. How about that,
I'll be sixty one. I can't even say it out loud. Yeah,

(02:04:54):
let's not I'll be sixty one years old. How do
you know twenty thirty two? Yeah, you did that math?
Did the math rob quickly? I did it quickly. I
did it seven years. Yes, I think that I did
it properly.

Speaker 2 (02:05:11):
Forty.

Speaker 4 (02:05:11):
I'll be fifty four this June, which means in seven years.

Speaker 3 (02:05:20):
No, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. I'll be eighty
five in thirty Yeah, way off. Why I was way off?

Speaker 4 (02:05:27):
I don't know how, but I'm somehow going to be
older than you in twenty thirty. Time is a flat circle.

Speaker 3 (02:05:34):
Yeah, it's all very very strange. I copped earlier in
the show. Today, I copped too, lest anyone think I'm
not clued in and paying attention, I copped to the
fact that, over the past couple of weeks, purely by coincidence,
the show has been very fart heavy, and it's largely

(02:05:57):
due to the fact that I am incapable of ignoring
customer submissions unsolicited, but they send them, and as a
steward of the public airwaves, I feel it's incumbent upon
me to at least present them to you. There's no
prize for these, but I figure the extent to which

(02:06:21):
people have put effort into these, cataloging them, recording them.
You could go through my voice notes. There isn't one
single recording of flatulence now, no better or worse, just different.
Rich in Jacksonville, Florida, he checks in a lot, leaves

(02:06:44):
a lot of what do we call them, the talk
talk back messages. I'm stuck on voice notes in my brain.

Speaker 2 (02:06:54):
Button.

Speaker 3 (02:06:55):
He checks in a lot, and Rich down there in
Jacksonville wrote me an email, and he attached to it.
He goes, Recently, I've been having issues with my gastro
intestinal health, and I have doctor's appointments to help pinpoint

(02:07:20):
the probable causes of all this. I think that having
these instances recorded may help the health practitioners in understanding
my wife's complaints. So I kept my voice memo app open,
he said, Unfortunately, so pardon me. Fortunately, I just got

(02:07:42):
a couple of quick toots and I wasn't able to
record one that I feel truly encapsulates the severity of
my symptoms. I will continue to try to get one
that I think deserves recognition. My wife, however, was curious
as to why my phone screen was open throughout the night,
and I explained to her with this much dignity as possible,

(02:08:02):
what I was doing recording in the dark. And I
could see her mentally going over the list of local
divorce attorneys. You might be ruining a marriage, And I
just want to share this excerpt from my life. Here's
one middle of the night from rich down in Jacksonville, Florida.

(02:08:23):
All right, so it's a quick one and nothing of note.
So really the yin and yang there if you will,
And again to his point, nothing extreme there, nothing that's
really going to help the doctors.

Speaker 2 (02:08:38):
Was that second one his second one?

Speaker 3 (02:08:40):
They were both his, both his two separate occasions. I
think he was hoping for like a real killer in there,
but he only got a couple of small ones.

Speaker 2 (02:08:52):
That's a that's not a small part. And his wife.

Speaker 3 (02:08:57):
Looking at him, cock eyed, look at him, probably with
a raised eyebrow.

Speaker 2 (02:09:03):
Yeah, what are you doing. I'm recording my farts for
the Alan Cox Show.

Speaker 4 (02:09:07):
Well, no, no, Hector right. Yeah, like this guy's trying,
not not trying to become Alan Cox Show famous, and
well he already.

Speaker 3 (02:09:17):
You know, I play a lot of Rich's messages. A
lot of times he'll kind of come in hot, right,
He's a lot of times he has he's taken issue
with something I've said, and that's completely fine. Uh So
some of those are that, some of them are this,
But either way.

Speaker 4 (02:09:34):
I have to send these to my doctor. He's a
doctor and wants to hear your farts.

Speaker 3 (02:09:39):
Now again, I'm no gastro inerrologist, so I don't know
how they do things.

Speaker 4 (02:09:43):
I can call my one of my good buddies back
in Rhode Island is a gastro into relative. I ask
him right now if anybody is supposed to record their farts?

Speaker 2 (02:09:50):
Oh, good for you.

Speaker 4 (02:09:52):
And then have.

Speaker 2 (02:09:53):
Anybody ever I'll get him on right now, has.

Speaker 3 (02:09:56):
Anybody ever recorded their farts for you? And that's helped out?
Watch see if he answers? Ready now, mo, doctor, Moe,
call mo mo.

Speaker 2 (02:10:20):
All right.

Speaker 4 (02:10:21):
I am don't curse. I just I just I just
put you live on the air. Don't curse. Uh, I
have to ask you. I have to ask you a
medical question. We have a We have a caller who
said he's now recording all of his thoughts at night
when he's sleeping because his his doctor told him to
do so. Is that Is that anything you would ever do?

Speaker 5 (02:10:46):
No, I've never asked my patience to do that.

Speaker 4 (02:10:49):
No, of course not, because this guy is lying. There's
not Looe is a gastro enterologist. He is not rich
and Jacksonville has misled me as to the reason behind
his recorded I now want a doctor's note from rich
in Jacksonville. If his doctor in fact says to record
his farts. Nobody does that, see, thank you.

Speaker 5 (02:11:09):
Never, I've never done that.

Speaker 9 (02:11:11):
It's not part of protocol when it comes to gas
production problem.

Speaker 2 (02:11:15):
Thank you, Moe. I will call you see gas production.
I love it. It's good to know.

Speaker 4 (02:11:23):
It's good to know medical professionals.

Speaker 2 (02:11:25):
All right about it? Hi?

Speaker 25 (02:11:26):
Uh?

Speaker 4 (02:11:27):
Do you ever have a gas production oil and gas
production of the same place.

Speaker 2 (02:11:35):
I want to see.

Speaker 4 (02:11:35):
I want to see where I actually I want to
talk to his doctor and be like, all right, you
told this guy to record his farts.

Speaker 3 (02:11:42):
Let me make sure I'm not reading it wrong. I
don't want to blow up rich I just did he said, Okay,
I haven't been instructed to do so as of yet. Okay,
but I believe that having the recorded may help the
health practitioners.

Speaker 4 (02:12:03):
Yeah, yeah, oh okay, that's what the doctor wants. Hey, doc,
I have eighty seven farts recorded on my phone. Can
you take the next half an hour and listen to
these and tell me what's wrong with Hey?

Speaker 3 (02:12:12):
Yeah, I don't know if that finger is gonna do
half the work that all of my fart voice memos
is going to do.

Speaker 2 (02:12:18):
Yeah, let's not.

Speaker 4 (02:12:21):
Let's not do anything medically to take care of the situation.
I have a whole catalog of farts on my phone for.

Speaker 2 (02:12:26):
You, Doc, God Almighty, listen, listen.

Speaker 4 (02:12:32):
If I'm somebody in richest condition, I would think, I go.

Speaker 2 (02:12:36):
I'm not a doctor. I don't know what they do.

Speaker 11 (02:12:38):
Now.

Speaker 3 (02:12:38):
Obviously we've spoken to your friend and he says, no,
so you can. You can sleep the sleep of angels. No,
I'm that rich, But I'm just saying, in most circumstances,
I think most people are thinking, well, the more I
can document, because invariably a doctor will ask you a
question you don't have an answer for, and if he goes, well,
what have you been eating? You can answer that what
are they sound and or smell like? And you go, well,

(02:13:03):
as luck would have it, Doc, I've got a whole
catalog of them, in fact, a whole flatchalogue right here.

Speaker 4 (02:13:09):
I've also jarred them for you, so I have the
scent of the last twelve.

Speaker 2 (02:13:13):
Parts i've blown. So you can check these out too. Now.

Speaker 3 (02:13:17):
My wife is selling them on eBay. We get a
lot more for them if people think they're hers. Oh yeah,
I love.

Speaker 2 (02:13:30):
That he picked up he saw you were calling. I
know it's been a while, and I'll talk to him.
He's like, Rob must need me. That's what you did here.
It's something of the utmost important. He was hollow.

Speaker 4 (02:13:42):
He was one of my best buddies back in Rhode Island,
but he was also my doctor, which was weird. So
he's probably one of a very select few people on
this planet that have actually seen my butthole.

Speaker 3 (02:13:52):
Right, it's like doctor Ryan Bergland. He and I have
known each other for a long time now. And you know,
even before he did my vasectomy, he had my meats
and cheeses in his hand checking some things. I had
a couple of examinations before that. I don't know what
most of them weren't even for recreational purposes.

Speaker 2 (02:14:13):
He's just such a professional that.

Speaker 4 (02:14:14):
I don't even know exactly what you see, you know,
because I mean, I know he had to put the
scope in the hole, but I don't know, Like if
you said, do you see like the fruit vegetable package
as well from behind.

Speaker 2 (02:14:26):
I don't know. I guess I was on my side.
Probably not.

Speaker 4 (02:14:29):
You can take me, but you cannot take my boholeh yeah,
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (02:14:35):
Meats and cheeses.

Speaker 4 (02:14:36):
Meats and cheeses is what he saw back there.

Speaker 5 (02:14:39):
Then Cox Show on.

Speaker 20 (02:14:45):
This is that new kind of low key FM radio sound,
kind of subdued, relaxed radio.

Speaker 2 (02:14:53):
Cox Show ONEMMS Audio, New Bill Audio.

Speaker 17 (02:15:03):
What do you mean he's instagramming from the hospital, Oh
he is, Yeah, let me see if I can get it.

Speaker 2 (02:15:11):
I got a couple of cats cans now, and those
are weird.

Speaker 28 (02:15:15):
That one's ID so they can see all the blood
vessels and stuff like that.

Speaker 4 (02:15:20):
The stuff.

Speaker 2 (02:15:22):
Uh, I'm fine. I don't feel bad.

Speaker 28 (02:15:25):
It's just we're just being pre cautious and I've taken
a lot of I've done a lot of tests today,
and uh, we'll see.

Speaker 2 (02:15:33):
What I have big feet. Grandma's impressed by my extra
extra Grandma's there too.

Speaker 4 (02:15:39):
There you go, he's getting visitors.

Speaker 2 (02:15:46):
Oh God, love him.

Speaker 3 (02:15:48):
Here's a Texan good feel feel better soon build. There's
no goddamn way I'll be able to stick with the
show if it's just you three congratulations.

Speaker 2 (02:15:58):
So there's a lot of estrogen and iteration of the.

Speaker 6 (02:16:00):
Show, commentry of Bill.

Speaker 3 (02:16:03):
Well, sure, you know, like we've said, there are listeners
who individually hate each one of us yep, and in
different permutations and can be more or less exciting for someone.

Speaker 2 (02:16:13):
You're to rub my eyes?

Speaker 17 (02:16:14):
Now, you had that where you like, rub your eyes
so hard that it like it goes blind for like
a second.

Speaker 3 (02:16:21):
Well, if you get little floaters or whatever, like yeah, sure,
but I mean it does make my eye go blind.

Speaker 17 (02:16:26):
I mean you know, well it does for me sometimes,
so I try not to rub them's.

Speaker 2 (02:16:32):
Yeah, try not to rub, but it feels good.

Speaker 6 (02:16:34):
You ever just rub your eye for like a while.

Speaker 3 (02:16:37):
Yes, I am a human being, contrary to popular opinion,
and I have done all those things. Yes, aren't you.
When I have an itch, I scratch it and that
feels real good. I do They no shame in my
scratch game. This woman gets a DUI and tells the
cop that she shouldn't be arrested because she's a thoroughbred

(02:16:57):
white girl. What does that mean? Some dashcam video now, again,
this isn't a girl who's twenty or twenty one years old.

Speaker 2 (02:17:05):
She's thirty two.

Speaker 3 (02:17:07):
She ran a four way stop sign doing sixty miles
per hour. They pulled her over and she's hammered, gets
a duy speeding disregarding a stop sign, and possession of marijuana.
She was living it up, but she told officers she
couldn't believe this is how it was going down because
she was quote a very clean, thoroughbred white girl. When

(02:17:31):
an officer asked what she meant, she said, you're a cop,
you know what I mean? Oh damn, hey, guess what.
We all know what you mean, dear. But still a
little too old, so she's I'm.

Speaker 2 (02:17:42):
In trouble, but I'm white.

Speaker 3 (02:17:44):
There's some cringe inducing dashcam audio starts again she's thirty two,
which is important because she starts crying about her high
school grade point average and what a great life she
I don't know what you know.

Speaker 2 (02:18:00):
I was I was a student. I wasn't see that
my American high school student. I was all a good cheerleader,
I mean be the whole life, a whole life. She
was an honor guard cheerleader. Is that a thing?

Speaker 3 (02:18:17):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (02:18:18):
I don't even know what that is. No, I think
you said all American.

Speaker 3 (02:18:20):
Oh, you pulled me over from.

Speaker 2 (02:18:27):
Driving too fast, and my.

Speaker 21 (02:18:29):
Whole career.

Speaker 3 (02:18:33):
Ruin doing what I like. How it's always the other
person's fault. You've ruined my career by pulling me over
for driving drunk.

Speaker 2 (02:18:41):
Resident, I'm moving in jail.

Speaker 12 (02:18:44):
I don't want to know what in life.

Speaker 16 (02:18:45):
I don't want to know in life.

Speaker 23 (02:18:47):
I'm a pretty girl.

Speaker 2 (02:18:48):
Please don't let me go in there. I'm a pretty girl.

Speaker 3 (02:18:52):
Yeah, the clear the thoroughbred white girl thing. That's not
on the dash cam, but you know. Still, she thought
she'd get a why. She couldn't process why they were
booking her for this. She said her partner was a
police officer.

Speaker 2 (02:19:08):
I don't know what that.

Speaker 4 (02:19:08):
I guess that's the white girl version of I have
a black friend.

Speaker 2 (02:19:13):
Yeah, I don't know.

Speaker 17 (02:19:15):
I think if it were me and I was being
arrested for the first time, I would probably cry.

Speaker 2 (02:19:21):
I'd probably be very upset.

Speaker 17 (02:19:22):
Obviously or upset with myself, mostly if it was something
that I did wrong, whatever.

Speaker 2 (02:19:27):
But I think I would just take it, take it
and let.

Speaker 17 (02:19:30):
The process happen, and be respectful when I get to
the jail when they're booking, Just be as polite as possible.
Just be as you know, forthcoming and respectful as I
possibly could, because how.

Speaker 6 (02:19:44):
Is it going to be any better for you doing.

Speaker 9 (02:19:46):
All of that or any move you make will cost
you your job if they're arresting do yeah.

Speaker 17 (02:19:50):
Like, at least if there's an article about me in
the paper, I want the officer on TT to be like, well,
you know, she she got arrested for, you know, punching
a dog, but she was very polite to the police officer.

Speaker 6 (02:20:01):
And not that I'd punch a dog.

Speaker 3 (02:20:03):
I certainly don't think dog punchers are going to be
polite and respectful to law enforcement.

Speaker 2 (02:20:07):
Boy, she really was. She was the exception that proved
the rule.

Speaker 17 (02:20:11):
I just couldn't think of a crime I'd be arrested for,
so just insert crime here, you know, But she cooperated
with the police officers, and she was very respectful.

Speaker 2 (02:20:18):
I would like them to put that, you know, selling
a scooter from my mouth. SHOT's terrible, and I'm like,
you know, well.

Speaker 3 (02:20:24):
We found her holding a decapitated head, but she was
so respectful, you know, she set the head down on
the lawn, didn't want to tell us whose it was,
and it was so matted with blood and bugs that
we really couldn't id on site. But she was so
nice the whole way through that. Boy, we just you know,

(02:20:45):
it was a pleasure to book her for murder. I
gotta tell you, wow, I wouldn't commit a murder. You're
wasting it. You're wasting a valuable chance to be.

Speaker 9 (02:20:54):
A voluble chance. Yeah, a valuable chance to be you
can say it right. You just don't let them do
it to be uh disorderly, because you can do that.
I can't do that. I gotta put my hands up.
I gotta have my hood off, my hands up.

Speaker 17 (02:21:06):
Officer footnote of the article to say, Erica was very
polite to the police, very cooperative.

Speaker 9 (02:21:13):
You got to be ratchet in my place because I
can't do that.

Speaker 2 (02:21:15):
I don't have that luck, Tram and pound Cake.

Speaker 3 (02:21:17):
What you're not taking into account is there's going to
be there are probably a lot of police officers who
want to prove that they treat everyone the same way.

Speaker 9 (02:21:25):
Nope, well okay, I'm just taking my hands up. I'm like, officer,
I'm reaching for the glove compartment. Just reach, just get
the insurance out. I'm reaching for the glove compartment. And
now would take me two point five seconds.

Speaker 13 (02:21:43):
I tug.

Speaker 9 (02:21:48):
That was in the butt?

Speaker 2 (02:21:50):
How nice was I to that police officer? And we
got pulled over on the way to Cedar.

Speaker 9 (02:21:54):
Point of course, you're a hot white girl like I
don't blame that, girlfris saying that because she's right. I
didn't say I got damn word. I was saying.

Speaker 2 (02:22:03):
Poundcake's like, please don't shoot me.

Speaker 3 (02:22:06):
Just a passenger one for good measure.

Speaker 2 (02:22:09):
Pundcake, that's the kill shot right up the court hoole man.

Speaker 4 (02:22:15):
So yeah, they asked her how much you had to drink,
and of course, what's the classic answer when you get
pulled over.

Speaker 3 (02:22:21):
None, she said, I only had two glasses of wine.

Speaker 4 (02:22:24):
Oh Jesus, she said, I was celebrating my birthday.

Speaker 2 (02:22:27):
Annie, you say zero, none, but that's all.

Speaker 17 (02:22:32):
Once you admit that you've been drinking, then they will
for sure test you.

Speaker 3 (02:22:36):
But it's patently ridiculous to say none if you've been
pulled over way above the legal limit. But they always say, guys,
we go to the girls.

Speaker 2 (02:22:46):
That's the wine.

Speaker 3 (02:22:47):
Yeah, all right, Well if you're that by your own logic, ma'am,
if you were that much of a lightweight, maybe don't
drink good.

Speaker 29 (02:22:53):
On you, just don't drive pound Cake. I only had
two tall cups of juice. It's some one fifty one
in them. That's right, that's all I had.

Speaker 9 (02:23:04):
Nope, don't have the lectury, don't. I don't do stupid
stuff like that. If I drank a.

Speaker 6 (02:23:08):
Deuce of scissor and got straight folded.

Speaker 9 (02:23:10):
That's what I'm saying. Friend offered me. He was like, hey, dude,
you should come over and we'll we'll just hang out. Like, well,
we'll blow, Like we'll smoke some weed. I said, we'll blow. Yeah,
He'll say we'll blow. He was like, we'll smoke some weed.
I said, Nope, you want to be very particular. Were
using that phrase if you're inviting pound ca come Yeah.
Well that's what he said through text message, and I'm like, Nope,
can't do that. He's like, why was cause I have

(02:23:31):
to work in the morning. I can't stay at your
house and I have to drive home, and I don't
want to drive home. Like Hi, He's like, you're such
a good kid. He was like, he's like, your mother
would be really proud. I'm like, yep, I'm not gonna
die today. Nope, today, satan.

Speaker 3 (02:23:44):
Some people are suggesting that you would get arrested for
scooter jousting. That wouldn't be a very thrilling joust though,
if you're going at each other at two miles per
hour scooter jousting.

Speaker 17 (02:23:55):
Yeah, she was very polite to the police officer, to
the arresting officer.

Speaker 9 (02:24:01):
It's not a matter of if I'll get pulled over.
It's a matter of when I get pulled over.

Speaker 2 (02:24:05):
When have you been pulled over?

Speaker 9 (02:24:06):
No? I haven't yet. But okay, I'm not saying. I'm
not saying if I get pulled over a venture. I've
been pulled over more than you, I know. So what
does that say?

Speaker 2 (02:24:15):
I don't know.

Speaker 1 (02:24:15):
You're just terrible driver, I guess in your car. No, yes,
I have when a long time ago? Right, I drove
you a long time ago.

Speaker 9 (02:24:30):
I drive like there's a I was a white knuckling
it the whole way home.

Speaker 2 (02:24:34):
But I don't think I'm that bad speed do speed?
You speed and I don't know, no, stop and opposite.
Just kidding officers listening.

Speaker 3 (02:24:44):
It's not the it's not the speeding. I have a
lead foot. It's like people drive and cutting people off.
But it's a jerky drive and you, oh god me,
I'm like, stop it.

Speaker 9 (02:24:56):
You want to ride like a grandma and get home
in one piece. You'll ride with me because I always travel.
There's a cut behind me, even if I don't think it,
because I because.

Speaker 2 (02:25:03):
Your car is breaking down every time you drive it.
You're worried. You're worried.

Speaker 17 (02:25:07):
Hitting the gas over sixty miles an hour is going
to cause harm.

Speaker 9 (02:25:10):
Okay, I remember that next time you have an appointment, bitch,
take a little two mile an hour scooter.

Speaker 2 (02:25:15):
Then take it.

Speaker 3 (02:25:16):
Remember that next year? Have you next time you have
an appointment, bitch? Is his response to that.

Speaker 9 (02:25:21):
She went on playing it when I was taking her.

Speaker 2 (02:25:22):
I'm joking.

Speaker 4 (02:25:25):
I do need to I tune up, though, sir. I'm
gonna need to see your driver's license, all right.

Speaker 6 (02:25:36):
It's like he's being tased all over here.

Speaker 9 (02:25:38):
Yeah, don't change me, bro, I'm going to open up
my wallet. I'm not reaching for a gun.

Speaker 2 (02:25:43):
Ice work.

Speaker 3 (02:25:47):
I can do this all day. I was all right,
I'm sorry, my hand slipped.

Speaker 9 (02:25:53):
Well, officer, how do you exact to give you my credentials?

Speaker 2 (02:25:55):
All right, that's fine. Reach into your glove box slowly.

Speaker 9 (02:25:59):
I'm reaching right now. Take it one hand, close handfbo coop.

Speaker 2 (02:26:08):
Blow the guy's handlef Oh no, I'm gonna need.

Speaker 4 (02:26:12):
To check your trunk, sir, I gotta I gotta hit button. Though,
I gotta hit button. He's got a hit button too, Sir.
Get out of the car.

Speaker 2 (02:26:23):
Place. What's the reason? Please just get out of the car, sir.

Speaker 9 (02:26:28):
Okay, Well I have to.

Speaker 3 (02:26:31):
Machine gun.

Speaker 2 (02:26:35):
That's right. Oh my god, pound Cake gets pulled over.

Speaker 3 (02:26:40):
Ellen, we need thatsh buddy.

Speaker 4 (02:26:45):
Tear you elhen. I got a d U.

Speaker 3 (02:26:47):
I blew a point eight nine. I was given the
breathalyzer because I admitted to having a couple of drinks.
My lawyer said, if you're drinking and driving, never admit
drinking to anything is improbable.

Speaker 2 (02:27:00):
Cause that's my lawyer. I understand that.

Speaker 3 (02:27:03):
I'm just saying, I get why you wouldn't want to
incriminate yourself.

Speaker 2 (02:27:07):
But they already have that.

Speaker 4 (02:27:09):
I'm saying, yes, they only have her speeding you blew
a point eight nine right, No.

Speaker 2 (02:27:15):
This is after he admitted to drinking.

Speaker 17 (02:27:21):
Right.

Speaker 3 (02:27:21):
But but don't we all know that there's no way
out of the breathalyzer, Like I've never had to take one.

Speaker 2 (02:27:25):
You can refuse it, right, and they take you in, right,
But then you can't just before you get there.

Speaker 3 (02:27:31):
I feel like it doesn't work if.

Speaker 6 (02:27:33):
You're I feel like the people it drinks it might work.

Speaker 2 (02:27:35):
I feel like they don't.

Speaker 3 (02:27:36):
I don't know how people get out of DUIs, but
I don't feel like there's one way to do that.
I feel like it's the luck of the draw because
if you refuse, then they take you in because you refuse.
If you blow, then they gotcha. I get why legally,
you shouldn't ever incriminate.

Speaker 2 (02:27:52):
Yourself, shouldn't drink and drive like period, of course, again
I can't. It wighs around it, but like, really, there isn't.

Speaker 3 (02:27:59):
That's why I don't understand why there's people driving around
with eight duy's under their belts. I'm like, not only
should you be dead, you should be riding a huffey
to work every day.

Speaker 9 (02:28:09):
Yeah, that's expensive, I think I heard from friends.

Speaker 3 (02:28:14):
I think alan I find it funny that pound Cake's
mom would be proud of him that he didn't smoke,
not because it's illegal, but because he didn't want to
get caught.

Speaker 9 (02:28:22):
At least if I'm gonna smoke, I'm gonna do it
in the comfort of someone's own home.

Speaker 2 (02:28:26):
That's like how I was in high school.

Speaker 9 (02:28:28):
Like when people would, well, not high school, college, we
would have like college parties. I'm like, are we walking
to the party. I'm that person. I'm planning out the evening.
I'm like, how are we getting here? How are we
getting here? I'm okay to drink, but I'm underage. So
are we going to stay inside the houses? Is going
to be a house party or is there going to
be like cops coming in? So I was that dude
because I was afraid of getting caught. I had a
future radio career. I did want to ruin.

Speaker 3 (02:28:49):
Yeah, radio careers have never been ruined by Duiy's. Well,
but me, Alan, I'm a white guy, had an officer
come at me, gun drawn and put me in cuffs
while they ran my info.

Speaker 2 (02:29:02):
That's scary.

Speaker 3 (02:29:03):
Well, again, we don't know the fact exactly.

Speaker 2 (02:29:06):
I don't know.

Speaker 3 (02:29:06):
I'll take you at your word, but I mean you
know you could have had swastikas in your back window too.
I don't know, Alan, Please trust me. We can smell
when someone's drinking. We already know the answers to me. Yeah,
of course, that's what I'm saying. That's why you just
don't I understand why a lawyer would tell you to
clam up, but they already know the answers to the
questions they're asking you, and if you refuse to blow layers,

(02:29:27):
they suspend your license.

Speaker 17 (02:29:29):
The lawyer's just doing that to poke holes, you know,
to try to mount some kind of defense.

Speaker 3 (02:29:36):
I got an underage DUI blowing a point one one
two and got off because my lawyer found that the
officer wasn't certified to give a breathalyzer test on that day,
so the results got See that's what I'm saying. That's
the luck of the draw, where people are right or
draw a little.

Speaker 2 (02:29:55):
Delayed, but you know he wasn't ready. The delay is funny.

Speaker 9 (02:30:03):
Yeah, that's abuse, it is.

Speaker 3 (02:30:08):
I'm sorry, sir. Did I see you leaving me club?
Have you been drinking?

Speaker 2 (02:30:13):
Tweeze?

Speaker 4 (02:30:14):
Yes, tweez is your uber coming saying twist that way?

Speaker 2 (02:30:18):
It all right? Well, listen.

Speaker 3 (02:30:20):
I appreciate you not drinking and driving, sir, clearly or intoxicated.

Speaker 2 (02:30:24):
Will your uber be here in a moment.

Speaker 9 (02:30:26):
I'm actually walking, all right. It's from walking home from
the game club. This ain't some gay bass.

Speaker 17 (02:30:44):
He gets shot by the cop, but somehow is able
to walk away and then get shot by a neighborhood
street tough.

Speaker 2 (02:30:49):
Yeah, streak tough, Hey, get on here.

Speaker 9 (02:30:52):
He would be the most dramatic person getting shot ever.

Speaker 17 (02:30:56):
No, you know, like in the Mask where he's like,
tell yell er, I'm not coming home for Christmas.

Speaker 2 (02:31:04):
I don't remember that movie the way that you don't tell.

Speaker 3 (02:31:08):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (02:31:08):
I do not remember.

Speaker 6 (02:31:10):
Oh, it's so funny.

Speaker 4 (02:31:10):
He's like.

Speaker 3 (02:31:14):
In Ohio, if you don't blow you get us a
one year suspension. You automatically suspended your license. I don't know.

Speaker 4 (02:31:24):
These aren't things I have to concern myself with because
I'm a grown ass adult and I know how to
handle things.

Speaker 3 (02:31:30):
But a lot of people can't seem to figure that out. Hey, Tim, Hey.

Speaker 30 (02:31:34):
Alan, how you doing it? How are you hate the show?

Speaker 2 (02:31:37):
Thank you? Sir.

Speaker 30 (02:31:38):
Hey, I've had I've had three DUI's in my lifetime. Luckily,
they've only counted as first offenses, but the cops like
to wait to give you your breath alive or because
your blood alcohol content goes up before it goes down.

Speaker 3 (02:31:52):
How have your three DUI's each been considered first offenses?

Speaker 30 (02:31:57):
They were so far apart.

Speaker 2 (02:31:59):
You get to do over button on DUIs apparently.

Speaker 30 (02:32:02):
No, No, well it's got my first one when I
was eighteen, and then I got the next one, like
it was like twelve years later.

Speaker 3 (02:32:08):
Right, But you get a do over, They go, oh,
you had one, you've this is your second duy.

Speaker 30 (02:32:12):
No, yeah, apparently you know it was off. It wasn't
off my record, but yeah, they all counted the first sentence.

Speaker 5 (02:32:19):
Huh.

Speaker 3 (02:32:19):
I didn't know there was a statute of limitations on dui.

Speaker 2 (02:32:23):
So when did you get the second one? When'd you
get the third one?

Speaker 30 (02:32:28):
I think it was like eleven twelve years ago?

Speaker 5 (02:32:30):
Huh?

Speaker 18 (02:32:30):
I know?

Speaker 30 (02:32:31):
So yeah, that three and thirty years.

Speaker 3 (02:32:33):
Three in thirty years jesus wow. So every decade he
treats himself.

Speaker 2 (02:32:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 30 (02:32:41):
Yeah, And if you refuse a breathalyzer, that's an automatic
year suspension on your life.

Speaker 3 (02:32:46):
So you've had your license suspended for three years total.

Speaker 30 (02:32:50):
No, uh, more than that of thirty years. I probably
only had a license for fifteen.

Speaker 4 (02:32:58):
Well how'd you get well?

Speaker 3 (02:32:59):
Get together? How'd you get around? You're like riding a
bike around or what?

Speaker 11 (02:33:02):
No?

Speaker 30 (02:33:03):
No, I just drive it and look over my shoulder.

Speaker 2 (02:33:05):
Really so you.

Speaker 3 (02:33:07):
Just, oh, I see, So you just drive on a
suspended license?

Speaker 30 (02:33:10):
Yep, pretty much.

Speaker 5 (02:33:12):
Man.

Speaker 2 (02:33:12):
You better hope you better hope you don't have a
tail light out. That's scary. I wouldn't do that. They're
looking for revenue streams.

Speaker 22 (02:33:18):
Boy, Oh that's for sure, that's for sure.

Speaker 30 (02:33:19):
Yeah, wear my feet bolt have insurance on my car?
You know, even though I don't have a.

Speaker 2 (02:33:23):
License and I got how do you have the insurance?

Speaker 27 (02:33:26):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (02:33:26):
How do you have insurance? With no license?

Speaker 30 (02:33:29):
You can get a non non uh non driver insurance.

Speaker 29 (02:33:34):
Wow, I'm learning all these new things work if you're
caught driving?

Speaker 3 (02:33:37):
So what that means that you're legally listed as a
passenger in someone else's car?

Speaker 6 (02:33:44):
I don't a passenger in your own car.

Speaker 30 (02:33:46):
I'm not quite sure.

Speaker 3 (02:33:50):
He doesn't tell us that he drives from the passenger seat.

Speaker 2 (02:33:53):
He just leans over. All right, thank you, Tim?

Speaker 3 (02:33:58):
Trying to please stay off my roads near my home?

Speaker 4 (02:34:01):
All right.

Speaker 2 (02:34:01):
Thank you.

Speaker 3 (02:34:02):
If you could right in Bay Village and wherever Poundcake, Lakewood.
If so, if you could not, I don't know where
you lived him, but if you could not drive in
Bay Village, Lakewood or Fairview, thank you very much.

Speaker 2 (02:34:15):
I appreciate that. Hey, James, how are you?

Speaker 18 (02:34:21):
Hey?

Speaker 31 (02:34:22):
I'm doing great, buddy, doing awesome and joined us fresh
free air beautiful.

Speaker 3 (02:34:27):
Yeah we were you paying for air before? I know
conrads will let you inflate for nothing.

Speaker 31 (02:34:33):
I wasn't paying for it, but the free kid. It
was kind of hard for me to get a hold of.
I just came home from a four year bit.

Speaker 2 (02:34:39):
Oh he just did almost a niggle here?

Speaker 3 (02:34:42):
What were you?

Speaker 2 (02:34:42):
Where were you.

Speaker 31 (02:34:44):
For the last part of it? I was in Toledo.
I started off and grabbed and got my security raised
there for too much trouble?

Speaker 2 (02:34:53):
What are you doing? Are you fighting? Did you ever?
Did you ever send us prison mail?

Speaker 21 (02:34:57):
No?

Speaker 31 (02:34:58):
I did not, all right, but yeah, I was a
faithful listener man. The last one I got in trouble
and they transferred me to Toledo. The last part of
my stint, the last twenty two months, was twenty three
hours a day lockdown.

Speaker 4 (02:35:11):
So you know, Oh my.

Speaker 31 (02:35:12):
God, what to lose your mind in the film?

Speaker 2 (02:35:15):
Are you shank somebody? Wow? He's like, guys, I need
the I hurtady yet the Ellen.

Speaker 5 (02:35:20):
Cox Show.

Speaker 2 (02:35:22):
WMMS.

Speaker 27 (02:35:25):
So you're trying to make us how uncomfortable crowds.

Speaker 30 (02:35:29):
It's weird, it's not right, it's not cool.

Speaker 5 (02:35:31):
And there's plenty more where that came from.

Speaker 4 (02:35:33):
Back to the Allen Cox Show on one hundred point seven, WMMS.

Speaker 3 (02:35:46):
I want to put everybody's mind at ease, because I've
referred to it a couple of times over the past
few days. Brian is fine, oh, thank god, and back
to his old tricks. By the way, maybe he was
just taking a bree sabbatical from inundating me with messages,
but I got twenty four voicemails from him this morning
between four and seven am.

Speaker 2 (02:36:05):
Yes, So.

Speaker 4 (02:36:08):
When you say old tricks, do you mean he went
back to the guitar Do you mean like or did
he just go back to calling a.

Speaker 2 (02:36:13):
Little from column A and a little you know what?

Speaker 3 (02:36:16):
No, there has been a serious and a complete dearth
of guitar playing from him recently. Uh, that has dropped
completely off a cliff. But he will call with random
songs that he's singing. You don't like the baby boys.
You didn't care for that at all. There's not as
much of that. It's mostly the singing. It's mostly the

(02:36:38):
non sequiturs. I don't even think I kept his baby voice.
I know you didn't like we need more sluts, right,
we got we need more sluts.

Speaker 2 (02:36:47):
That's one of his.

Speaker 4 (02:36:48):
That's probably one of my favorites. That one in the
finger Bang song are my two favorite. Brian Bang's good too.
The doors are good, right rip.

Speaker 3 (02:37:04):
Jim Morrison not a huge doors fan, but Brian's bringing
me around.

Speaker 19 (02:37:13):
Break all through the other side, Break all through, right right,
break all through the other side anyway.

Speaker 2 (02:37:27):
So I'm glad he's fine.

Speaker 3 (02:37:28):
I'm very very happy that he's that he's okay, you know,
because that's where my brain goes, you know, every time
I mentioned somebody that we haven't talked to for a while,
because I have to point out that along the way.
Over the course of my tenure here and in other cities,
I've always lost listeners to death.

Speaker 2 (02:37:44):
You know.

Speaker 3 (02:37:44):
Losing listeners is a function of the job, but I
mean permanently losing listeners. I lost a guy named Dave
the wave Beck in Pittsburgh lost a handful of people,
and when I was on in Chicago, and over the
years here we've lost Rick and who else, drunk Mike
Junior and drunk Mike Senior and you know, so then

(02:38:04):
people go, oh, have you heard from Darnell? Have you
heard from and uh, you know Donnie, our old intern
he used to call occasionally, but I think that's due
more to the fact that he really seemed to turn
his life around too, which is great. So if that's
the case, it doesn't matter to me if he's checking in,
because when he used to check in, he was really
on the edge, which made for a funny call. But

(02:38:24):
I always want to make sure that he was that
he was okay, and we hear from drunks sue, you know,
things like that. But anyway, the Brian thing, he's fine, Well,
he's alive. Hello, who's this?

Speaker 12 (02:38:38):
Hey?

Speaker 2 (02:38:38):
What's about Allen?

Speaker 10 (02:38:39):
This is the Surge.

Speaker 2 (02:38:40):
How's it going, Surge? Would you like a lemon twist?

Speaker 10 (02:38:44):
I do not, sir, You know I have in in
my professional opinion. I just have some takeaways i'd like
to give to you about the show. I think it's
better than ever. I really do. I love the old regime,
don't get me wrong, but this guy Rob seems to
be funny. I don't know where you found him, but
he seems to be cool.

Speaker 3 (02:39:00):
I found rob out on I found rob out on
Euclid Avenue. You know, they say that you'll find talented
people in places where you least expect.

Speaker 2 (02:39:08):
And I was out there and I was at.

Speaker 4 (02:39:13):
Yeah, I'm sure you have probably way probably way farther
east of us.

Speaker 10 (02:39:18):
Serge, a little further east. Yeah, yeah, but I love
the show. It seems a little edgier. You seem like
you are. I don't know, you're doing something different, and
I just really like it.

Speaker 2 (02:39:29):
I grew my show.

Speaker 4 (02:39:30):
Okay, listen, Surge. Thank you, Paal. I appreciate it absolutely,
thank you.

Speaker 2 (02:39:35):
There you go. There's Surge.

Speaker 4 (02:39:36):
Rob.

Speaker 2 (02:39:36):
That was nice.

Speaker 4 (02:39:37):
Named after the nineties soda, I assume, and Salsh would
you like a lemon twist?

Speaker 3 (02:39:44):
Don't be stupid you think he got that reference? Probably not,
but they got the old Beverly Hills copp reference.

Speaker 4 (02:39:50):
As soon as you said it, I was like, yes,
would you like a lemon twist?

Speaker 2 (02:39:53):
Sald?

Speaker 3 (02:39:54):
That was Bronze and pin Showalk BALKI, that's all right,
gossin Latti, Yeah, Belki Bartakamus, and then he was also
Serge in Beverly Hills Cop.

Speaker 2 (02:40:07):
He's in true Romance.

Speaker 3 (02:40:09):
He's the guy with the girl in the car and
he's got coke all over his nose when he gets
pulled over. And every so often you'll see Bronze and
Pin show show up in something. But you know, I
was a guy with a name like that should have
been much higher profile than I think he's been recently.

Speaker 4 (02:40:25):
I don't know what he does now. I love doing thing.
Loved Perfect Strangers. I watched every episode of that show.
Now I can tell you exactly what the last scene
of that show was, and I cannot tell you what
I had for dinner last night the last scene.

Speaker 3 (02:40:40):
Now, I never watched Perfect Strangers. All my friends did
because it was set in Chicago. But I was like, yeah,
but they're just showing it's just b roll of like
buildings down town.

Speaker 2 (02:40:50):
They're not filming it here or anything.

Speaker 3 (02:40:52):
And so I've probably watched ten minutes of one episode
of Perfect Strangers.

Speaker 2 (02:40:57):
It just did not scratch me where I is. I
guarantee it didn't hold up.

Speaker 4 (02:41:00):
But they, uh, it's it's the Quintessential ending they move
out of the apartment. I don't want to put up
I'll put spoiler alert. I just want to get that
out there. They leave the apartment, they turn back around
to the door open. Yeah, they reach in. Yeah, they

(02:41:22):
shut off the lights. Yeah, Babe to black.

Speaker 2 (02:41:24):
Yeah, that's how Three's Company ended. Yep.

Speaker 3 (02:41:27):
I loved Three's Company. I wanted to be Jack Tripper
more than anybody else in the world. When I was
seven or eight years old, I wanted to be Jack Tripper.
I'm like, this guy is living with two babes, and
all he's got to do, because it was the seventies,
all he's going to do is pretend to be gay
so his landlord doesn't kick him out. Do you imagine
if they try that today? All these shows are like,
we're gonna reboot this and this and this, We're going

(02:41:49):
to reboot Three's Company. Now you've got to pretend you're gay.
That's the only way that a landlord to let you
live with two women.

Speaker 2 (02:41:56):
Oh boy, Yeah, I don't know if I could do that.

Speaker 4 (02:42:00):
No, if that's really going to I don't know, or
if they redid Bosom Buddies.

Speaker 2 (02:42:06):
Yeah, guaranteed that one didn't hold up either.

Speaker 3 (02:42:09):
Yeah, I'll pull the curtain bag a little bit. Rob
and I pitched the show not too long ago when
he first joined the show, So it was literally not
that long ago. We pitched a show about two guys
who dressed up as women who went to a lot
of outdoor concerts. It was called Blossom Buddies. Now I
think we should do it.

Speaker 2 (02:42:28):
Anyway.

Speaker 3 (02:42:28):
Nobody bit at that show. Nobody gave a flat crap
about our pitch. Do you want to hear one of
Brian's calls from this morning? This is him singing, and
I'm sure that you'll understand what the song is immediately.

Speaker 2 (02:42:41):
This one goes way back.

Speaker 3 (02:42:42):
This shows you the depth and the breath of his
musical knowledge because he is really all over the place.

Speaker 24 (02:42:47):
We're in the money, We're in the money that.

Speaker 3 (02:42:57):
Yeah. So you know, sometimes he'll call and he'll be
Michael Bolton right. Other times he'll call and he'll be
singing something a little bit more contemporary. And then other
times he'll call and be singing Ginger Rogers from the
nineteen thirties.

Speaker 2 (02:43:12):
He's all over the place.

Speaker 21 (02:43:13):
See.

Speaker 4 (02:43:13):
I like to think maybe that's why we didn't hear
from him for a couple of days, he got his
tax returns back, made a ton of money, and went
on just this ridiculous like two day bender.

Speaker 3 (02:43:25):
Oh, I don't know that he is even employed in
any way, shape or form, but okay, benefit of the doubt.

Speaker 2 (02:43:31):
I thought you were leading. I thought you were going
to say he's a time traveler. Wo.

Speaker 3 (02:43:35):
I would be just as willing to bet that as
that this guy's gainfully employed somewhere.

Speaker 4 (02:43:41):
I just wanted I was just thinking to him on
like a two day bender or just blow.

Speaker 3 (02:43:44):
And wearing the money, and just then well I watchn't it.
I want the best for him, certainly want the best
for him.

Speaker 24 (02:43:52):
We're in the money. We're in the money that that.

Speaker 4 (02:43:57):
That we've got a lot of what it takes to
get it all.

Speaker 2 (02:44:05):
We're bands are the skyes.

Speaker 4 (02:44:08):
On the.

Speaker 5 (02:44:10):
Passion.

Speaker 19 (02:44:10):
You are through.

Speaker 2 (02:44:11):
You don't what's wrong on We.

Speaker 4 (02:44:13):
Have seen headlines on redline.

Speaker 31 (02:44:17):
When we see the landlow, we can look that garm.

Speaker 5 (02:44:19):
One in the eye.

Speaker 11 (02:44:21):
You know.

Speaker 3 (02:44:21):
I was watching some of the to pull that audio.
I was watching a little bit of the clip of that.
That's the opening song of a movie called I Forget.
The movie's called but it's one of those old, you know,
golden age of Hollywood big musicals. Buzzby Berkeley was a
guy who put these onion of course of Ginger Rogers,
Freda Stairs counterpart the whole bit, nineteen thirty three, and
so it's her and it's a line of these young

(02:44:43):
angree news and they've got the big you know, it's
big musical numbers, so they've got the feathers and all that.
I'm watching, I'm like, oh, my god, these women are
all dead. By the way, they're all dead. I mean,
nineteen thirty three. These girls were probably in their early twenties.
My grandmother was born in nineteen thirteen, so these women,
I'm like, oh, they were probably the age that my

(02:45:04):
grandmother would have been. So they're all super cute in
you know, nineteen thirty three, but rather also all super dead.
And it really does so again I'm going with Brian's
a time traveler. It sounds weird, it seems highly unlikely,
but I'm going that's the one that, believe it or not,
makes most sense to me that he is a time traveler.

(02:45:25):
And when he checks in, the reason that it's so
frenetic is that he doesn't know what time he's in. No, Oni,
does he not know what time it is. He doesn't
know what time frame he's in. He doesn't know when
he is. He knows where he is, know when he is.

Speaker 4 (02:45:44):
Imagine if you just started speaking in like that nineteen
thirties voice too, Hi, everybody, Yeah, can say that Gams
on Ginger Gams.

Speaker 24 (02:45:53):
We're in the money, We're in the money.

Speaker 2 (02:46:04):
Ah.

Speaker 3 (02:46:05):
But I was checking in with my older daughter. She's
down in Cocoa Beach this week for spring break. I
was like, how's it going down there? And she's like,
it's cold and rainy. That sucks. That suits hard when
you've only got a few days to enjoy spring break,
and you go, let's go down to Florida and that's

(02:46:25):
what happens down there.

Speaker 2 (02:46:27):
Did she call my mom? No, your mom's in Cocoa Beach? Yes,
no she did not.

Speaker 3 (02:46:32):
Had I known, I would have said, hey, you should
have Rob's mom, and my daughter would say, who's Rob,
And then I would have had to have explained to
her some things that have taken place on the show
over the past a couple of months, and then we
would have would have gone from there.

Speaker 4 (02:46:48):
Then you would have had to explain why she would
go to my mom's you know, like, why she would
even entertain that idea.

Speaker 2 (02:46:54):
Well, my daughter is a very a lovely woman.

Speaker 3 (02:46:57):
She's a very affable quite maybe you know, I could
have pitched it in such a way that I would
have gotten her to go to your mom's house.

Speaker 2 (02:47:08):
The hell of a cook, I can tell you.

Speaker 3 (02:47:09):
I was gonna say, now, your mom would have to
bring something to the table, and I have no reason
to think she wouldn't. But yeah, because your mom's she's
an Italian.

Speaker 4 (02:47:19):
Cook, right, Italian and Portuguese? Oh really fifty?

Speaker 2 (02:47:24):
Oh man?

Speaker 3 (02:47:25):
Okay, so you're getting all kinds of amazing food.

Speaker 4 (02:47:28):
Then, yeah, oh yeah, all right, did not suck in
my house, man, like my grandmother started it.

Speaker 3 (02:47:35):
She makes sardines edi uh no, well't sardines big in Portugal?

Speaker 2 (02:47:40):
Oh yeah, well with the Italians too.

Speaker 18 (02:47:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (02:47:42):
Mom actually will order, well, anchovies, but she'll order like
pizza with anchovies on it. Okay, that's her, that's her thing. Yeah,
I heard my grandfather loved pasta that way. They'd make
a like a garlic pasta and they'd put anchovies in it.

Speaker 2 (02:47:55):
My goodness, it's not necessarily my favorite thing.

Speaker 4 (02:47:58):
Yeah, I like it in like a putin esca sauce,
Like I make that and I'll put anchovies in that.

Speaker 3 (02:48:03):
Gotcha. But you're making turkey steaks. Did you mind make
turkey steaks?

Speaker 2 (02:48:07):
No, I don't think so.

Speaker 3 (02:48:07):
Oh that's like a big Portuguese thing too. I think
turkey steaks, right, huh okay, poor cat. She's over there
rolling dumplings and mashed potatoes Serbian food, you know, and
not much going on there.

Speaker 2 (02:48:21):
I'm sure there. What is like the big Serbian food cat?

Speaker 18 (02:48:25):
I mean, there's all kinds of things, A lot of
grilled meats, a lot of kind of a Mediterranean style auxen,
a lot of fresh fresh salads with grilled meat. And
there's like stuffed peppers, for example.

Speaker 4 (02:48:40):
Goats, kebabs, stuffed cabbage.

Speaker 2 (02:48:43):
You know.

Speaker 3 (02:48:43):
She's not saying no, she's like, oh that's l a
kebabs are great kebabs. Yeah, all right, Well, no, I
always think of I don't envy people in those in
like Eastern Europe as far as food goes, I never
envy Eastern European vegetarians because the best thing you got
going for in some of these cultures is the meat.

(02:49:06):
And if you remove that you're like, Okay, I guess
I'll have more potatoes.

Speaker 4 (02:49:13):
But yeah, it's like Dennis Leary said, the shortest book
ever written was the Irish Cookbook. Just take everything you got,
put in a pot and boil the hell out of here.
Yeah something like that.

Speaker 2 (02:49:22):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:49:23):
My ex wife was Serbian and Irish. So it's like, boy,
you had nowhere to go when it came to cooking.
You were borrowing wholesale from other cultures just to get
you know, salt was your best friend.

Speaker 2 (02:49:35):
Turkey Tetrazini. Tonight, hmm yeh.

Speaker 3 (02:49:39):
Hey, tonight we're gonna be at the parm of Tavern.
This is the next appearance of mine. We're doing the
bud Light March Mini Hoops tournament. Rob and Kat have
both been so kind as to say that they'll pop
in as well, so we'd be the Parma Tavern tonight
starting at seven o'clock. Tomorrow night, I'm gonna be out
in Solon at Burger's to beer. And then Saturday night
I'm gonna be out at the Basement in Sagamore Hills

(02:50:03):
or Northfield that area. And then next Thursday, Friday, Saturday,
I'll be out two These are all opportunities for you
to play Papa Shot, hopefully get to Vegas, maybe win
the ten thousand dollars grand prize.

Speaker 2 (02:50:12):
That's what everybody's going for.

Speaker 3 (02:50:14):
So if you want to come out and hang, whether
it's to try to get in a miss or just
to see our shining faces in real life under artificial lighting,
then you should come out and say hello. So tonight,
as soon as we get out of here, haul and
ask right to the Parma tavern.

Speaker 2 (02:50:29):
And I can not wait? Did you send over my rider?
I did? Okay, yes, I did? Right, good, I think
I have it.

Speaker 3 (02:50:39):
Send to Wendy, who's working behind the bar tonight, Rob's writer.
I send it in PDF form.

Speaker 2 (02:50:45):
Good.

Speaker 3 (02:50:45):
Unfortunately the file was so large I had to send
it in a couple of email.

Speaker 2 (02:50:50):
Hey, listen, if I'm going to go someplace, I know
I need my comfort.

Speaker 3 (02:50:53):
She had a question, is it sixteen full bottles of
ranch dressing?

Speaker 20 (02:50:58):
No?

Speaker 4 (02:50:59):
Oh, nope, you got that one wrong. Yeah, I'm sorry. Well,
I'm glad you had to use odd numbers on my rider.

Speaker 3 (02:51:04):
Odd numbers, yes, okay, seventeen bottles of ranch dressing?

Speaker 2 (02:51:09):
Okay? Did you did you remember the line about the temperature.

Speaker 4 (02:51:13):
I did, it's got to be no warmer than sixty
seven degrees.

Speaker 3 (02:51:20):
You're you're making miss I might be reading Cat's writer.
I'm sorry, Cat's I can't the astroglide was yours. Oh god,
totally no warmer than sixty nine degrees. Nice, okay, sixty
nine degrees. Well, fortunately, parme tavern.

Speaker 4 (02:51:37):
I think they've always got it set to a company
sixty nine.

Speaker 18 (02:51:42):
It was like the other day when we went out
the thermostat said sixty nine.

Speaker 4 (02:51:47):
Yeah, and I took a photo and I posted it
and it was yeah, okay, listen, so I got your rider.

Speaker 3 (02:51:54):
I got Cat's Cat's rider mercifully very very short. You know,
she's way less prone than you or I to make
demands of people, at least at this point I can
see down the road she'll probably learn.

Speaker 2 (02:52:08):
Just a long time man. Yeah, yeah, you're gonna get
me to go somewhere.

Speaker 3 (02:52:11):
Okay, So the seventeen bottles of ranch dressing sixty nine
degrees sixty nine degrees?

Speaker 4 (02:52:16):
Did you remember the uh the burger bun thing, the
burger bun thing, the inverse hamburgers.

Speaker 3 (02:52:22):
I think is what I read, which is instead where
the bun should be. You want meat, and where the
meat should be.

Speaker 4 (02:52:27):
You want bun yep, too much bun ruins a burger,
But I like thin burger patties with a piece of
meat in there.

Speaker 2 (02:52:34):
I don't want to completely lose the image.

Speaker 4 (02:52:35):
Oh I understand.

Speaker 5 (02:52:36):
Okay.

Speaker 3 (02:52:37):
So Rob's inverse burgers, yep, yep, I got that one day.

Speaker 4 (02:52:40):
And the bun has no seeds. Cannot have seeds on
the bun in the middle, not even are not even
caraway none? Oh no seeds, no seeds. Okay, Lee boy.

Speaker 3 (02:52:49):
I'm so glad you asked, because I already sent this
over to them and they sent it back and they said,
none of this will be any problem whatsoever. Oh my god,
I feel really stupid because I don't have a rider.

Speaker 2 (02:52:59):
Oh so I didn't send them anything. I mean I didn't.

Speaker 18 (02:53:04):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (02:53:04):
Do I have egg on my face? And that's so
expensive these days?

Speaker 2 (02:53:08):
Yeah?

Speaker 3 (02:53:08):
Okay, well I if there's any last minute additions to that, okay,
So ranch sixty nine degrees inverse burgers.

Speaker 2 (02:53:16):
And then the cheese. I remember the cheese peas all right,
the cheese.

Speaker 3 (02:53:22):
You want it, but you want them to put it
on the burger, but then remove it from the burger
and throw it.

Speaker 4 (02:53:27):
Away, that's correct. I just want the flavor of it. It
has to be bree. Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:53:32):
Rob just wants a wisp a hint of cheese bree
cheese flavor on his inverse birds.

Speaker 2 (02:53:39):
Yeah.

Speaker 3 (02:53:41):
Yeah, because and then there was another question they had
for me about the the I know it's a full bar,
the obviously a bar restaurant, but that you only wanted
Maltese beers, correct, okay, because they misunderstood that as malt
liquor and I said, no, Maltese lick, Maltese liquor.

Speaker 4 (02:54:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, big big difference, right, Okay, got liquor beer?

Speaker 3 (02:54:05):
Oh, Maltese beer, yes? Oh okay, yes, no, I'm sorry.
The Maltese liquor is what we call the dog you
wanted them to have. Didn't you ask for a live
dog that shows?

Speaker 14 (02:54:17):
Right?

Speaker 2 (02:54:17):
Okay, so we're out at concerts. This one's just for
a bargain, right.

Speaker 4 (02:54:21):
I know Roblake's live animals at our other appearances, and
so that's okay. Listen, I'm really glad that the pre
warm toilet seat. Did you get that.

Speaker 2 (02:54:29):
They are not able to do that? Oh that's gonna
that might be a deal breaker.

Speaker 3 (02:54:34):
Now, I took the liberty, and I hope you don't mind.
I took the liberty of having them destroy any juke
boxes that might have Jimmy.

Speaker 4 (02:54:42):
But you know what, with that in mind, I will
forgive the chili toilets.

Speaker 2 (02:54:49):
I have to have it too, right, okay.

Speaker 3 (02:54:51):
Oh, and you're gonna have to between all that Maltese
beer and the hint of cheese.

Speaker 2 (02:54:57):
And the uh the seedless bun and all that.

Speaker 3 (02:55:00):
Yeah, okay, well good, then I'm glad. I will send
this revised rider over to them. I certainly hope that
they can fix this in the next four hours, because
that's when the appearance at times starts.

Speaker 4 (02:55:14):
Sure, yes, okay, and I removed the candy stuff because
I'm eating healthy, So that's gone.

Speaker 24 (02:55:20):
M M.

Speaker 2 (02:55:20):
You don't have to worry about only dark chocolate niblets. Okay,
dark chocolate niblets.

Speaker 4 (02:55:28):
Yeah, I like them. I like a big bar of
dark chocolate pre bit for me. Oh, pre bit, dark
chocolate niblets. Let me write this down if I called
my ex's nipples. Okay, let me dark chocolate niblets. Yeah,
you bite it down for me.

Speaker 2 (02:55:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (02:55:43):
So they're tiny, little itty bit pieces, so I don't
really have to chew all that.

Speaker 2 (02:55:46):
Yeah, I'll tell you what.

Speaker 3 (02:55:47):
And this is I think very instructive for the people
who listen to the show, is that Rob really does.
He doesn't like to be public about how persnickety he
is when we have personal appearances.

Speaker 2 (02:55:58):
You know, he's here every day like.

Speaker 3 (02:56:00):
Hey, I'm just this guy and I'm a cool dude,
you know, and then we go out. Man, he wants
pre chewed nibblets and he's it's a whole thing.

Speaker 4 (02:56:08):
Dark chocolate niblets, dark milk crep right, well, milk chocolate
is for children, Okay, Alan, I heard that the Parma
Tavern had Cleveland's premiere Jimmy Buffett cover band schedule tonight.

Speaker 3 (02:56:21):
I don't think I think you're trolling. I don't think
that's true. But uh, if you've never heard them, they're
called peerburger and cheesea dice and jim might really really
enjoy what they do. But no, I think you're this
person's inverted.

Speaker 4 (02:56:37):
Burger at the Parma taverns and chocolate nibbles when Mountain beer.

Speaker 2 (02:56:46):
Just a hint, Debrie on my inverted burger.

Speaker 4 (02:56:49):
I could see opening the door and hearing that and
just instantly closing the door and turning around and walking
back to her. Yeah, change Berger in Parma, Dice.

Speaker 2 (02:56:59):
And you know what going to happen now too. There's
gonna be some a hole there.

Speaker 4 (02:57:02):
It's just gonna play eighteen Jimmy Buffetts songs in a
row because I'm there, Yeah, and that, And now I.

Speaker 8 (02:57:09):
Must leave you as the Brady bunch is on and
I find four of those children incredibly arousing.

Speaker 3 (02:57:16):
Get at it.

Speaker 15 (02:57:17):
Be careful of what you say, Be careful in every way,
Be careful of what you do. Big Brother is watching you.
Be circumspect and discreet, stay light on your mental feet.

(02:57:38):
One slip and you know who you're through. Big Brother
is watching you.

Speaker 7 (02:57:44):
And with all narratives, remember Obedience page. And when you
watch that DV screens, remember it works both ways.

Speaker 15 (02:57:59):
You disc appear.

Speaker 11 (02:58:00):
In a wink.

Speaker 15 (02:58:02):
Unless you can double think, you'll vanish into the blue.
Big Brother is watching you.