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September 20, 2024 162 mins
The Alan Cox Show
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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 1 (00:01):
The Federal Communications Commission has determined the following content to
be emotionally harmful.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Funny.

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Things that you think is funny aren't funny.

Speaker 3 (00:11):
Jimmy Cox all the Time, coxther Me, Allen Coxshow kicks,
ash Man, welcome you me.

Speaker 4 (00:18):
What's yea?

Speaker 1 (00:19):
I'm gonna see a lot of cocks on TV. Allen
Cox from the Alan COO.

Speaker 5 (00:23):
I don't know what it's about you by can thank you?

Speaker 1 (00:27):
It would be a crazy let's get coffee, kick and
you'll get eight with a safety group. Okay, one, two, three,
kick it, come damn put you one time?

Speaker 4 (00:39):
Take it?

Speaker 1 (00:40):
What Allen come.

Speaker 4 (00:43):
Here we go, He'll add he'll.

Speaker 6 (00:44):
Be trying h Allen Cox Show on one hundred point
seven double U m m.

Speaker 1 (00:49):
As Hey, what's going on? Gang?

Speaker 7 (01:05):
Good afternoon, Hi, greetings, Welcome, brothers and sisters, comrades and friends.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
Whatever.

Speaker 7 (01:18):
My name's Allan Cox. Thanks for being here. Say hi
to Bill Squire. He's right over there.

Speaker 1 (01:23):
Hey be hood.

Speaker 7 (01:25):
Mary Santore is out, but we got some friends coming
by today.

Speaker 8 (01:29):
We do.

Speaker 1 (01:29):
I'm excited. Comedian Derek Cahill is going to join us shortly.

Speaker 7 (01:33):
He's doing a very early show tomorrow at the Funny
Bone and then the Great Robert Kelly will come by
later on as well. He's doing the weekend with Young
Bill Squire over at Hilarities right around here on East
fourth That's where it is, right East fourth Street, East.

Speaker 1 (01:51):
Fourth Street in downtown Cleveland, Downtown Cleland, and it's a
whole complex.

Speaker 9 (01:56):
It's Pickwick and frolic yep at the restaurant upstairs, and
then Hilarity the comedy club downstairs. And Pickwick and frolic
is quite an underrated restaurant, if I do say so myself, it.

Speaker 1 (02:09):
Is very good.

Speaker 7 (02:09):
Every time I go to a show at Hilarities and
you walk through the restaurant, I always kind of kick
myself for not getting a table there before the show,
because I'm like, to your point, I'm like, I should really,
we should.

Speaker 9 (02:20):
Really have dinner. I mean you can eat more often
at Hilarities too. Yeah, but they have a more truncated menu.
If you really want the full experience, you want to
sit upstairs, take your time, enjoy the fine dining.

Speaker 5 (02:33):
You know how I hate truncation.

Speaker 7 (02:35):
Yeah, I know, I know, And you know in the
time that we've known Nick Costas, of course, the Grand
Pooba over there, and maybe you know this. I've never
taken the time to ask him what a Pickwick is.
I'm pretty clear on the frolicking part. That's more of
a verb. What is a Pickwick? Has that ever been explained?
It's a reference to a novel, I believe reference. The

(02:58):
term Pickwick end frolic is from a novel. It's for
the word pickwick.

Speaker 9 (03:02):
Is uh, Pickwick and frolic is a reference to a
novel by who wrote the.

Speaker 7 (03:08):
John Updyke, Ernest Hemingway, Jack London, Christmas Carol and stuff
like that.

Speaker 1 (03:15):
Oh, Dickens, Chuck Dickens.

Speaker 7 (03:17):
I think it's okay, Pickwick and frolic Chuck Dickens, all right,
he has a line of ciders, I believe, doesn't he.
I think I heard a commercial from Charles Dickens won
his first literary fame with the postumus papers of the
Pickwick Club.

Speaker 5 (03:33):
There you go, all right?

Speaker 7 (03:34):
Well, so, in addition to essentially being Cleveland's home for
the finest in comedy, it's also literary in nature, and
who can hate that?

Speaker 5 (03:47):
So Bobby Kelly will be in here a little bit
later on.

Speaker 7 (03:49):
Of course, I am all thrown off today because all
day yesterday, I thought it was Friday, So I don't
know what the hell today is.

Speaker 5 (03:56):
I'm told, I'm told it's a Friday.

Speaker 7 (03:58):
There's nobody here today, But that's how Friday is done
around here.

Speaker 5 (04:02):
I feel like a lot of places are like that
these days. I think you're probably right.

Speaker 7 (04:06):
I was talking to somebody who used to go to
an office job and now and their job, as I
understand it is something where I assumed even post COVID,
they were still going in and they were like, no, no, no,
I'm mostly a little bit traveling, but I'm mostly working
from home. Like wow, So yeah, other than the here
at iHeart Cleveland. Other than the couple of days a

(04:28):
week where they ask people to come in, you know,
we're in every day. They ask people to come in,
salespeople and administrative staff and things like that. I think
that's the case with most places like that. Now, if
they have that hybrid system is if people don't have
to be in, they won't go in.

Speaker 1 (04:46):
And I need a place to go. The people need
a place to go.

Speaker 7 (04:51):
And so you know, even during the heat of COVID,
we went into the studio every single day and.

Speaker 1 (04:57):
It was nice.

Speaker 7 (04:58):
Honestly, it was nice for the first few months. I've
talked about this. It was nice for the first few months.
But by the time we got to like month eight
and nine and ten, and we were the only ones there,
it got real weird. It was like a ghost ship
towards the end of and then we moved down here.

Speaker 1 (05:15):
I didn't mind.

Speaker 7 (05:15):
I mean, listen, backed against the wall, I didn't mind it.
But it had gotten to a point where it was
just very, very strange. There was no walking around anymore
and going hey, what's up? You know that was long gone.

Speaker 9 (05:29):
No, it was basically well because they and then they
pulled everything out of there, and it was yeah, they
kind of stripped out.

Speaker 1 (05:35):
Was just gone. Yeah.

Speaker 9 (05:37):
It was like we were the last because we were
the last ones to move down here because all the
salespeople and stuff were down here months before us.

Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yes, and then another radio company moved in there. Yeah.

Speaker 7 (05:49):
So I hope that they're enjoying all of the little
treats that I left for them around our old studios.
And please don't press me on what those I don't know.
I'm wearing my T shirt today that says Chicago Ain't
no sissy town, and I haven't worn it in a
long time.

Speaker 1 (06:05):
You know.

Speaker 7 (06:05):
I have a chest of drawers that's just all T
shirts and I just grab whichever one is next on
the stack, and today it happened to be this one.
And I popped into Giant Eagle before I came into
work this morning. I'm at the checkout and this woman
walks up to me. I can see her in my
periphery and she starts, She's like, I love the shirt,
chatting me up about you know, and she goes.

Speaker 5 (06:25):
You see those that God what did she say?

Speaker 1 (06:29):
You see that apartment complex on the north side where
that gang try to take it over?

Speaker 7 (06:33):
And people started kicking ass. And I go, well, are
you talking about Colorado? And she's like, no, no, this
happened in Chicago. And I said, well, yeah, okay, you know,
and I said are you from there? And she's like,
uh no, I'm friends there, but they told me I
want to I go, okay, well, you know, yeah, it's
uh it's it's definitely not Colorado and U and she

(06:57):
kind of stood there like we were going to have
more of a conversation, but again, and I only had
a couple of items, so I was going to be
in and out, but she was. She was really taken
with the shirt, and I didn't get her name, but
she was very, very nice, But I was I.

Speaker 5 (07:14):
Didn't have anything more to say to her about it.

Speaker 7 (07:16):
I didn't know specifically what she was talking about, and
so I feel a little stupid that my parting comment
to her was Chicago is not Colorado. You're right, because
that's one of those things that's, you know, it's self evident.
But I was just trying to kind of understand where
she was coming from. And then as I walked away,

(07:37):
she yelled out a goodbye to me, and it was
unless she was some lady walker, you know, like sometimes
you'll go into these places and you have to play
a little roulette game in your head. You go, Okay,
who is this random person? Are they a person who
A works here, B is shopping here, or c someone
completely off the street who's just wandering around talking to people.

Speaker 5 (07:59):
Those are basically her three choices.

Speaker 7 (08:01):
And back in the day, you used to know specifically
if somebody was working somewhere because they'd have some kind
of uniform on.

Speaker 5 (08:06):
Now it's all out the window. You don't know what's
going on.

Speaker 7 (08:09):
People are wearing street clothes, and if you don't see
a name tag, you have no clue what's up. So
I assumed, just by process of elimination, that she was
somebody who was shopping, because she didn't look disheveled enough
to have come off the street, wasn't wearing a name tag,
but also didn't have any items when she walked up
to me. So again, was an intrusive, very nice lady,

(08:32):
but I was I don't know what to do in
a situation like that.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
What do I say? Go?

Speaker 5 (08:37):
Hey, thank you?

Speaker 1 (08:40):
But you know, and I wasn't going to run away.

Speaker 7 (08:46):
But she was very, very nice. But I wish that
I had had more of an anecdote for her, but
I really didn't. And so whoever that lady is, thanks,
study show that.

Speaker 8 (08:58):
Listening to classical music temporarily raise your IQ two.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
I feel pretty smart.

Speaker 4 (09:04):
If you're looking for the opposite effect.

Speaker 6 (09:06):
Just day tuned Talks show on one hundred point seven
WMMS two one.

Speaker 1 (09:19):
Six five seven eight one double oh seven.

Speaker 7 (09:21):
If you want to join us live eight hundred three
four eight one double oh seven, send me a text
three five two.

Speaker 1 (09:29):
I want to do that. Guardians in Saint Louis tonight.

Speaker 7 (09:33):
That is an eight to fifteen, first pitch their final
road series of the regular season, Guardians against the Cardinals Tonight,
Tomorrow and Sunday, before they wrap up with a couple
of homestands against Cincinnati Reds. They'll play three against the
Astros and so the regular season will culminate next Sunday,
twenty ninth.

Speaker 5 (09:52):
Then we go into the postseason.

Speaker 7 (09:55):
And they have already put out all the information on
most postseason tickets. The wild card and or divisional round
tickets will be available to the general public on Tuesday,
the twenty fourth at ten am Eastern cl guardians dot com.

Speaker 1 (10:14):
Slash tickets for the details.

Speaker 7 (10:16):
If you listen to us on iHeartRadio and you do
it from out of state, I like to know where
you are, so check in if you're one of our
bureau chiefs. Joe listens in Dallas, Texas. Justin is one
of our bureau chiefs in Phoenix. Sarah listens in Norwalk, Connecticut,
Kayla is in Duxbury, Vermont, and Shelby is a new

(10:39):
listener in Butte, Montana. I don't know if we're still
being beset with technical problems over there on the app.
You know you got to laugh, so you don't cry.
And we were constantly getting our segments. We're constantly being
interrupted by advertisements, and so a lot of times people
will send me they'll say, hey, this interrupted you guys talking.

(11:01):
Where when I listen back to it, I know that
it is a normal end of a segment. You know,
you can usually tell, obviously, because if it's in the
middle of me saying something like, you know, mid sentence
or mid syllable and it cuts in, that's one thing.
But barring that, when that doesn't happen, it certainly seems

(11:21):
like a lot of the advertisements we've talked about this
certainly seems like a lot of the advertisements are not random.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
They can't be coincidental, like they're playing off the topics.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 (11:34):
It's really weird.

Speaker 7 (11:35):
Matt sent me a clip he said, this is the
perfect transition into a podcast. This is from a few
days ago. It was a show with just me and Mary.
This would have been while you were gone.

Speaker 1 (11:46):
The timing is too.

Speaker 5 (11:46):
Close for him to say I hate Taylor Swift and
then for there to.

Speaker 1 (11:49):
Be a gun threat.

Speaker 7 (11:50):
Can you imagine if there'd been like a fourteen year
old girls wanting out like a Taylor Swift shirt on.

Speaker 1 (11:55):
And stealing her dad's gun and going to the school.
She went to the golf course. It's not a crazy thought.
You kinda let kids be kids as long as the play.

Speaker 7 (12:10):
Yeah, you gotta let kids be kids, whether they're bringing
guns to school or whatever.

Speaker 5 (12:15):
So it's so strange to me.

Speaker 1 (12:16):
I mean, I know that there's I know that there's
make threats. I know that there is. Uh.

Speaker 7 (12:26):
There are so many different advertisements that are run not
only here on the on the air.

Speaker 1 (12:33):
But on the app.

Speaker 7 (12:34):
And I'm not privy to all of them, but uh, boy,
that certainly seems dead on connected at least somewhat to
what we're talking about there. So maybe there are legitimate technical,
uh you know, technological forces at play that I'm not
hipped to. I got my own problems. I'm not back
there figuring things out with the sales department. Shotani big

(12:59):
night last night. I think they were in Florida, the
Dodgers playing the Marlins, and he killed it. Not only
did the Dodgers win twenty to four, Oh hey hear that?

Speaker 1 (13:13):
All right?

Speaker 7 (13:13):
Hey, we got a smoke alarm going off here at
six six eight. Youlet we go check and see what's
going on. Yeah, let's see what's up now that all
the lights are popping off and we can hear.

Speaker 1 (13:23):
The ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing technical difficulties.

Speaker 7 (13:29):
You know, normally these are the kind of anywhere you
are in the office, right, I think we've all kind
of been conditioned to ignore these kinds of things.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
If you hear the alarm, the lights flicker, you know
that little flashing.

Speaker 10 (13:42):
Lights, we'll see the program momentarily.

Speaker 1 (13:45):
Please stay too.

Speaker 7 (13:46):
Again, there's no one here today except us, So the test.

Speaker 1 (13:52):
Just a test.

Speaker 7 (13:52):
We probably got an email on it too, and I
probably saw that email and halfway unders and okay, good, well,
there you go, just a test shoe. Otani last night
joins what they call the fifty to fifty club. That is,
of course, for people uninitiated to baseball. That is, somebody

(14:13):
who is really, really a huge fan of this delicious
grapefruit lime soda started making this in Milwaukee a long
time ago.

Speaker 1 (14:22):
It's a little harder to find these days.

Speaker 7 (14:24):
Some people will opt for the squirt or something else
if you're making a paloma. I know I've used a
lot of fifty to fifty, but it is getting harder
to find, and so I'm sorry. And so Shoeotani, despite
not being from this country, has still clearly I don't
know whether they make it such a big deal about it,
but he's clearly made enough of a dent. He grapefruit

(14:48):
lime soda and it's not you'd think he just loved
the grapefruit lime soda itself, but it's that he loves
all the other natural flavors that are in it.

Speaker 5 (14:58):
I have to think that's not what that's how it is.

Speaker 9 (15:01):
No, he hit fifty home runs and has fifty stolen
basis and he's the first player in the history of
Major League Baseball to do that, which is insane because
baseball has been around for all a long time, and
he is the sole member of the fifty to fifty club.
My buddy atm Levine actually threw out the first pitch
of that game, so he was there and got to

(15:21):
witness this, which is just incredible.

Speaker 1 (15:24):
Huh T says over the air.

Speaker 7 (15:28):
I don't want the music. I want the clip. It's
not the clip in the music. Yeah, I got the
clips somewhere. Oh there it is.

Speaker 1 (15:37):
On a one two oh.

Speaker 4 (15:38):
Tony says on the air the other.

Speaker 1 (15:41):
Way kick cause.

Speaker 3 (15:47):
One of a kind player, one of a kind season.
So hey, Toney starts the fifty fifty club.

Speaker 7 (16:02):
Now they did, and this kind of goes back to
what I was saying. When he got to home plate,
they did spray him with fifty to fifty soda because
he is a huge fan of that one of a
kind grapefruit lime. Did you guys get fifty to fifteen?
Does anybody know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 1 (16:17):
Uh? Do you have?

Speaker 9 (16:19):
I vaguely remember, Okay, fifty, but I don't think it. Yeah,
because they made it. It started Milwaukee, so we got
in Chicago. I mean, you get fifty to fifty. There
was another one called Bubble Up.

Speaker 7 (16:29):
There was like a golden age back in the day
of I know they still do it, but it seemed
like there were a lot more back then of sodas
and pops trying to cut in on Sprite's dominance of
the whole lemon lime thing. I don't know why everybody
thought they had a new take on lemon lime, but
there was fifty to fifty. And I'm a squirt man

(16:50):
from way back.

Speaker 1 (16:51):
I'm a big, big fan of squirt Yep.

Speaker 7 (16:53):
Squirt is great in any possible combination or permutation.

Speaker 1 (16:59):
Squirt is great. So showy Otani, I'll just do this.
Oh you're still gross. You're just still gross.

Speaker 7 (17:06):
Just because Mary's not here doesn't mean that we have
to adopt. We don't have to co opt her pain.
He's the first person ever to do this. Yeah, well,
then how is it that he joins the fifty to
fifty club.

Speaker 1 (17:17):
He created the fifty fifty club. I thought they said
he joined the fifty fifty say that, but he joined
the fifty fifty club as the inaugural member. Wow, fifty
home runs and steal fifty bases in a single season.
So Ricky Henderson didn't do that back in the day.
He was still fifty bases. He's still fifty bases, but
he never hit fifty home runs. Ah, they're just in
the fifty club. Yeah, all right. I mean Ricky Henderson

(17:40):
might still a hundred bases in a season or something
like that.

Speaker 3 (17:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 9 (17:42):
Yeah, Rickey Henderson stole a lot of a lot of bases.

Speaker 7 (17:46):
My brother sold a Ricky Henderson rookie card many years ago,
got himself a good chunk of.

Speaker 5 (17:51):
Cash for that.

Speaker 7 (17:52):
Speaking of controversy, By the way, the Showyo Tani ball
went out into the club seats and an eighteen year
old kid is pissed off because no one's shocked by this.
Is a giant scrum of grown ass men trying to
pull this ball from everyone else's hands because it's going
to be worth a lot of money. One of the

(18:13):
guys who auctions off this kind of athletic memorabilia said
that this ball would probably go for about two hundred
and fifty thousand dollars. This guy who sold Aaron Judge's
sixty second home run ball for one and a half
million dollars said that the Shoeo Tani ball and the
bat would probably get about two hundred and fifty grand apiece.

Speaker 1 (18:36):
Rickey Henderson still one hundred and thirty bases in one season.
There you go.

Speaker 7 (18:39):
That is a hell of a lot of bases. And
there was a kid at the ballpark yesterday celebrating his
eighteenth birthday.

Speaker 5 (18:47):
Is a kid named.

Speaker 1 (18:49):
Uh now whatever.

Speaker 5 (18:52):
Some kid is there and.

Speaker 7 (18:55):
He was upset because they were just inside the door
of the club seats or whatever, and the ball comes.

Speaker 5 (19:00):
Will share the video here.

Speaker 7 (19:01):
The guy filming it is yelling and screaming and everybody
is down there on the ground trying to get the ball,
and the very end of the guy who emerges victorious,
the kid is claiming that he the guy ripped it
from his hands, and he had his hands on.

Speaker 8 (19:18):
It.

Speaker 5 (19:18):
It's coming right to them right there.

Speaker 7 (19:20):
It's a dome stadium, Oh my god. And so it's
a bunch of dudes knocking chairs around and diving and
they're going under tables and they're moving things.

Speaker 1 (19:33):
And this kid in the blue hat seems to have
his hand on the ball and.

Speaker 7 (19:36):
This other guy, who's considerably older than him, he was
fighting for it and he goes and the kid. Yeah,
the kid throws his arms up and he's like, what
the hell just happened? Yeah, I mean we've seen grown
men do that to children, right, this is an eighteen
year old kid, and okay, there's he's having his birthday whatever.

(19:59):
But the guy is like, look, I'm gonna sell this thing.

Speaker 1 (20:03):
Whatever.

Speaker 9 (20:03):
Yeah, that's what the eighteen year old kid would have
like to have done that too, of course, But you
ripped it out of his hands, dirt bag.

Speaker 7 (20:09):
The other guy had my hand between his legs, holding
my arm, and he took the ball from my hand,
is what he said, Uh, the stadium security ushered the
guy to a private location and they were trying to
think negotiate with him, you know, because the stadium always
wants to do something with the ball or the team.

Speaker 1 (20:30):
Yeah, well go hey, well he wants it right, will
give you you know, well you you go free drinks,
top drinks.

Speaker 5 (20:39):
The rest of the season. Yep, so domestic well drinks.

Speaker 7 (20:43):
And so the guy decided that he was going to
leave the stadium with the ball. Obviously, Ken Golden of
Golden Auctions says that the ball is probably worth two
hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Again, anything is just worth
what somebody else will pay for it. But I imagine
you could probably get that guy who do a lot
of this on places like eBay and auction sites say
that that's probably a very reasonable love assessment of that ball.

(21:09):
So the kid is he's not out anything because he
didn't according to the other guy, didn't have anything. But
I always love to see I mean, this is a
different situation in that obviously that ball is worth a
lot of money. It's when the regular home run balls
get hit and you see again grown ass men diving

(21:30):
over seats and knocking shouldern out of the way to
try to get these balls. So I'd say beware anyone
who takes all of that that seriously, but the Dodgers, and.

Speaker 9 (21:45):
I'm gonna be on the ground trying to get it
to like I mean, yeah, I don't know if I'd
rip it on somebody else's hand, but you know, I'm
gonna I'll be in that scrum.

Speaker 7 (21:54):
Elbow, a guy in the nuts, knocking over tables and
trying to get my mouth.

Speaker 11 (22:00):
Hey, everybody, Alan Trucker John King of By seventy one
listening to podcasts from a couple of days ago. Bill,
you're gonna do pumpkin patch stuff. Check out white House
Fruit Farm. You and your girlfriend and her daughter don't
really enjoy it out there.

Speaker 7 (22:23):
Oh that's it, okay, white House Farm, That's what Trucker
John says. Okay, Well he would know, yeah, because you
said you're gonna be doing like fall kind of stuff.

Speaker 5 (22:32):
Yeah, pumpkin patch stuff. Well, that'll be fun.

Speaker 1 (22:36):
Let's see where that one is.

Speaker 9 (22:37):
The one that I'm gonna go to is out near
her and uh, it's like Regal something pumpkin patch or whatever,
okay or something like that. And do they have a
corn maize they do. They have two corn mazes. They
have like the smaller one and they have like a
real big one. And then they also have, like I said,
a bunch of stuff. They got the petting zoo aspect

(22:59):
of it.

Speaker 1 (23:00):
They got.

Speaker 9 (23:01):
You can shoot crab apples at target, crabopples, crabopples, yes,
these crabopples at Now you shoot crab apples at targets
with these basically potato guns, but they're crab apple guns.

Speaker 1 (23:14):
It's really fun. It's a good spot.

Speaker 5 (23:17):
I was reading about a.

Speaker 7 (23:20):
There was a bunch of people injured at one of
these wagon rides.

Speaker 5 (23:24):
You know they do the.

Speaker 7 (23:27):
When you go to punkin patches and things like that.
In Wisconsin, they had one of these apple orchard wagon rides.
You know, you're sitting on bales of hay, and it's
always a lot of families. So if anything is going
to go south, you know there's going to be kids
that get hurt or whatever. But Lafayette, Wisconsin, and I
don't know where that is, but one of our Wisconsin

(23:49):
Bureau chiefs forwarded me the story about a big old
wagon ride accident where eighteen people were hospitalized. This is
Western Wisconsin, middle of the day, and just a bunch
of people on one of these rickety wagon rides and
it was going down an embankment and whoever was driving

(24:09):
it lost control and the whole thing like overturned, and
they said three people suffered life threatening injuries and all
eighteen people are still trying to recover from this wagon
overturning during a school field trip. So this is the

(24:30):
middle of the day, it's mostly kids. Bushel and a
peck apple orchard in Chippewa Falls. I understand that, you know,
that's one of those things you're going to do when
you're a kid, you know, did you guys have school
trips to apple orchards and there like that?

Speaker 1 (24:44):
Stuff like that, right, and then we would do it disappointing,
by the way, always disappointing. So there was.

Speaker 9 (24:52):
The church I grew up in, Mormon Church just across
the line site. They had a what they called like
a wealth fair farm where they would grow produce and
then can it or freeze it or give it to
people that were in need. And so we'd go to
this one farm and they'd do apples and strawberries. And

(25:14):
in the fall we've got there and pick apples, and
it was so annoying.

Speaker 7 (25:21):
Well you have like a lot of the apples are
they're on the ground, or they're they're rotten, or they
have whatever.

Speaker 8 (25:28):
You know.

Speaker 9 (25:29):
It was just one of those things where it was
my Saturday morning. And so when people will do that like, oh,
it's a date, We're going to go pick apples on
a day, I'm like, that's a dumb date.

Speaker 5 (25:40):
To go pick apples.

Speaker 1 (25:42):
Pick apples.

Speaker 9 (25:43):
Like I don't mind going to an apple orchard buying
some apples, but it's not one of those things where
I want to be the one picking them. Yeah, I
don't think like pick your own berries.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
No.

Speaker 7 (25:56):
Yeah, Hey, here's a little basket. You want to go
pick up raspberrries or blueberries. You're like no, I don't
don't don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
No bags right here? That costs one dollar more, Like
you can just I don't need this.

Speaker 7 (26:09):
Well that's why you know now that they have you know,
if you're over twenty one, they have like Cornfield you know,
amazing but with wine. Because they're like grown people don't
want to go anymore and and go apple picking.

Speaker 5 (26:22):
I don't think.

Speaker 9 (26:24):
They're probably still some people again, when you go there
for other events or other You know, I love a
hay ride, I love a corn maze, things like that,
But I don't want to be out there picking produce.

Speaker 7 (26:35):
No, these aren't jobs that Americans want to do.

Speaker 5 (26:40):
All right, we know this picking produce.

Speaker 7 (26:44):
We don't you know, another person's job is somehow our
leisure activity. We're doing it for free. Here's the sheriff
talking about the Ensig trip.

Speaker 12 (26:56):
In the town of Lafayette. Several children, along with parents
and chaperon were on a wagon ride through an apple orchard.
During the time, one of the wagons began to lose
control as it was descending on a hill. They attempted
to stop the wagon from descending down the hill sideways, and.

Speaker 1 (27:12):
An abruptly overturned.

Speaker 12 (27:14):
When the wagon overturned, there were multiple injuries to both
children and adults.

Speaker 7 (27:20):
What a good line reading too from that guy is
a natural. Yeah, they tried to break the tractor, obviously,
and then the hitch and the wagon kind of jackknifed
and then it went rolling down the hill. But boy,
what a story. How did Nana pass away? It was
an apple orchard wagon incident. They're in Chippewa Falls, we

(27:43):
don't really like to talk about it, and as a result,
at a family get togethers, no apple pies, no nothing
with apples in it.

Speaker 1 (27:52):
It's a triggering fruit the wagon wreck of twenty four.
That's right. We don't much talk about it anymore. When
I was younger, I went ash over a tin cup.
As my pep Pep used to say the Aljosh Show,
you guys are a bunch of morons and I love it.

Speaker 10 (28:10):
On w MMS, Hey, comedian Derek Cahill is here.

Speaker 1 (28:25):
We haven't met.

Speaker 7 (28:26):
We've talked on Instagram a few times, and I don't
know that I've ever had a comedian slash chocolate tear.
I'm in the guy dude comedian slash chocolate tear.

Speaker 5 (28:37):
If you put them in that order, I don't.

Speaker 1 (28:38):
You might not.

Speaker 7 (28:39):
You might be chocolate tear slash comedian two of them.

Speaker 5 (28:42):
So your story is interesting to me.

Speaker 7 (28:44):
You got about a million people watching you over there
on on TikTok And how did you You're from Boston?

Speaker 5 (28:52):
Is that where you're from? Okay?

Speaker 1 (28:53):
And where do you live now? Dallas?

Speaker 7 (28:55):
You live in Dallas, Okay? And how do you find that?
Was that a family thing? Was at a work well,
you know, I've lived a bunch of different lives.

Speaker 13 (29:02):
In one of my lives, I was a VP of
sales in Corporate America.

Speaker 8 (29:05):
Right.

Speaker 13 (29:06):
They moved me out to Dallas and that's where I settled.
So you were transferred to Dais. I moved to Dallas
work sales. I worked for a tech company that sold information.

Speaker 5 (29:17):
Yeah, I really we worked together.

Speaker 7 (29:23):
Derek is doing a show tomorrow at the Funny Bone
here in Cleveland. It's tomorrow afternoon. This is a show. Yeah,
this is a three point thirty show. And I don't
know that there are many tickets still remaining because a
lot of people I think are very excited to see
you do this. Explain to people, kind of give me
the trajectory here of going from that. And I don't

(29:45):
know where the chocolate thing comes in, but the comedian thing.
Explain it to me. Yeah, because the material itself is
very funny. That's kind of what caught my eye. I
think you randomly popped up. Yeah, we kind of started chatting,
but I mean it's it's funny. It's very funny to me.

Speaker 1 (30:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 13 (30:00):
So I started doing comedy like sixteen years ago, you know,
open mics, and so I lived in Southwest Florida for
a while, so it was, you know, with MIC's down there,
just the grind of comedy down there. And uh, I
met my wife. We had a baby, and I was like, man,
I gotta go get a big boy job. Now she's
a Floridian, she's you met her in.

Speaker 1 (30:18):
I met her in Florida.

Speaker 13 (30:19):
We've come together now eleven years and uh, you know,
I just gave up call back then. I didn't think
I could do multiple things. I didn't think I could
still have a hobby. I pursued while making money in
corporate America.

Speaker 1 (30:29):
So I'd been in sales for a while.

Speaker 13 (30:31):
Ended up joining up with a corporate company, joined as
just an individual contributor, and for the next five years,
I completely quit comedy I did. I didn't make videos,
I wasn't writing, wasn't performing nothing, and I had everything
I wanted. I always thought, you know, money, money, money,
that's the key to happiness, and then you finally.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
Get how everything I didn't help.

Speaker 13 (30:50):
I wasn't always unhappy, yea, but uh, you know, I
hated my life, dude, Like everything felt like it was
just unwinding. I wasn't happy going to work, and I
just quit. And about a year prior to that moment,
my wife and I just randomly started a little side
hustle chocolate company.

Speaker 1 (31:05):
Yeah that you know, kept growing and growing and grow
it blew up.

Speaker 7 (31:08):
So was the unhappiness kind of in the It was
a combination of just that grind that you describe and
feeling like you left the creative stuff behind, yeah, to
stand up behind and all that.

Speaker 13 (31:17):
I think what I found was when I started doing
creative stuff again, I realized what I was missing, right,
But it was also just this realization like how much
of my soul am I willing to sell for money?

Speaker 1 (31:27):
And doing corporate America? Dude, it was selling like ninety
nine percent of it.

Speaker 9 (31:29):
Isn't it crazy that some people like they will get
into that selling their soul for money and then be
like this is it dude?

Speaker 1 (31:36):
I know I'm here baby.

Speaker 13 (31:39):
Well, you know, as I kept climbing the ladder when
I was when I was entry level, which was still
making all right money, I was enamored by the money,
Like that's what kept me pushing. I was like, oh, dude,
if I get a promotion, it's fifty k more, one
hundred k more. Then I get to the highest level
I've ever gotten to in sales, right, and I'm surrounded
by idiots. It's surrounded by people I have no intent
of becoming.

Speaker 9 (31:58):
Whereas in comedy exactly yeah, the.

Speaker 7 (32:03):
Rocket scientists and yeah no, but there's a lot of people, well,
a lot of people in every area failing upward in
corporate America. Comedy is a little bit more democratic than that,
Like you're either funny or you're not, you know. But
also like that story of corporate America. You know, if
you know, remember who Wayne Cotter was, you know, it
was a long time ago, but like Gaffigan was a
guy who kind of came up corporate America. And now

(32:25):
it seems like we're kind of in a golden age
of corporations who really need creative people because of TikTok
and social media and all that kind of stuff, whereas
before you had to pick one or the others. Yeah,
and and so that probably does some degree informed where
you are now.

Speaker 13 (32:41):
Yeah, I'm a little too edgy to go back to
corporate America now. I think if I was thinking about
at the end of the day, it's like, oh man, I
hope I don't ever have to go get a book.
Are you this guy from here? He canceled immediately. Yeah,
shave your beard, you'd be like every guy. But a
lot of your stuff is about.

Speaker 7 (32:57):
Being a dad and being a husband and that kind
of stuff, which is obviously it's not universal, but a
lot of people, man, feel that in the gut.

Speaker 1 (33:07):
Yeah, it just resonates, you know.

Speaker 13 (33:08):
Yeah, that's all I do, man, even my social media stuff,
like I don't there's a lot of people that will
try to, you know, gain the algorithm, and we post
at eight pm in this I've never paid any attention
to that. Just like, if I have a story to tell,
I get on, I tell the story, I bare minimum
edit it, and I clicked post.

Speaker 7 (33:23):
Well, I was gonna say, because social media now is
a new kind of grind for people who are like,
oh my god, that pressure to, like you said, gain
the algorithm or figure out the best way to do it,
and then right when you figure that out, the platform.

Speaker 1 (33:37):
Goes, hey, we're not going to do it like that anymore.

Speaker 7 (33:39):
So, you know, so I never envy people who are
only making money on social media.

Speaker 13 (33:45):
It's really hard to make money on social media, man.
I think that's why you see a lot of people
like now you a lot of creators that weren't comedians
are now comedians like trying to monetize their following to
go out and do comedy, and it's not easy.

Speaker 1 (33:58):
Like it's not easy.

Speaker 9 (33:58):
I mean even we've kind of we we kind of
had a bubble burst on that where there was a
lot of people coming out of the pandemic that we're
selling a ton of tickets.

Speaker 1 (34:09):
People go out to see them one time.

Speaker 9 (34:11):
Like yeah, and then and then they don't go up
back to see him the second time, and then all
of a sudden they're like, oh, I thought I was
doing theaters and now I'm you know, back to doing
Wednesdays at a club days at Yeah, hey.

Speaker 1 (34:26):
You're start your way up, so you're doing good.

Speaker 9 (34:30):
But there's definitely people that have like they had that
bubble burst and now yeah, it's kind of evening out again.

Speaker 7 (34:36):
Was the chocolate thing you and your wife, you guys
saying let's try I mean, how was that born?

Speaker 13 (34:41):
The company's called Wicked Chocolate, Wicked Bold. It's actually on
its way out now as well. That's that sunsetting probably.

Speaker 1 (34:47):
This is really oh yeah, oh okay, but I thought
it like really blew up here we were crushing it.

Speaker 13 (34:51):
But the thing is, I'm a real big like shoot
first asked questions last kind of So I mean we
literally started Wicked Bold. I don't believe in like roadblocks.
It's like, I'm going to just go make it happen.
I really think I could do whatever I want if
I just dedicate my time to it.

Speaker 1 (35:06):
So we started chocolate company.

Speaker 13 (35:08):
We started making it in our kitchen, started doing it
at farmer's markets, and I wanted it to be affordable,
so made it three nine out of a bag. And
then next thing you know, we're in I'm corporate sales,
Like my life has been sales. The best thing I
was for Wicked Bold was growing it, so I got
us into whole Foods Walmart sprout around two thousand stores
at one point. But what I'm not good at is
putting on a tie and raising money and selling myself

(35:31):
as like the next best thing in food financing is
I could never go raise money.

Speaker 1 (35:35):
And we were doing all right.

Speaker 13 (35:36):
We our best year, we did almost a million in
revenue as no employees.

Speaker 1 (35:41):
It was always just me and my wife. Yeah, and I.

Speaker 13 (35:44):
Being two thousand stores are making yeah, preting that much. Yeah,
we'll getting it was the big one for us. We
launched like twelve hundred Walmart stores and I told Walmart.
I was like, listen, dude, I'll take this, but we
will be one mistake away from going out of business.
And they didn't care. They were like, all right, cool,
so you're going to sell it to us. Yeah, And
we had that. We had one mistake cap.

Speaker 1 (36:02):
Yeah, we had the one mistake cap. And then it
just was like and so what was that?

Speaker 12 (36:06):
Uh?

Speaker 13 (36:06):
It kind of pisses me up because it wasn't my fault.
It was was it white chocolate? Yeah, created a rift
in our inner system. We had to go out from
making it ourselves to make that much chocolate. So we
used a co packer in San Diego. It's like they helped.
They were a chocolate company that had more capabilities than us,
and they went out of business on us, like overnight.

(36:28):
They kept asking me for more and more money deposited
and they hadn't made the chocolate yet for like our
third run, and I like.

Speaker 5 (36:34):
A Ponzi scheme.

Speaker 13 (36:35):
Yeah, it kind of was because they were cool people
as a mother and a son company.

Speaker 1 (36:39):
And I went out, I flew out. I met them twice.

Speaker 13 (36:41):
Everything seemed above board, and then they asked me for
extra money once and I was like, dude, I've already
given you as like an extra twenty five grand I
can't do anymore.

Speaker 1 (36:48):
The next day they shut down their business.

Speaker 13 (36:50):
Wo. So it ended up costing us like one hundred
and fifty thousand dollars when it was all said and
done to like move truck all of our stuff to.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
A panicitectus here. All right.

Speaker 13 (37:00):
I'll tell you man, I actually recorded a few like
just self. I've never shown anyone them, just self recorded
videos of me just going like what am I going
to do?

Speaker 1 (37:07):
And I ended up getting through it.

Speaker 13 (37:09):
We lived, yeah, but the we never we didn't have
enough money to go.

Speaker 1 (37:14):
Catastrophically grow out of it.

Speaker 13 (37:16):
You know, for us to overcome one hundred and fifty
thousand dollars of a deficit, we would have had to go.

Speaker 5 (37:19):
Do two million in sales when it's just the two
of you still.

Speaker 1 (37:23):
Yeah. Yeah, So it just it just killed us.

Speaker 13 (37:25):
We still have a little bit of inventory left, and
the internet's doing a really good job buying it up
from us.

Speaker 7 (37:29):
And I was gonna say, there's it's not like you're
gonna be sitting on it for that long, but it's
it's not it's not where it was before.

Speaker 1 (37:35):
I guess.

Speaker 7 (37:35):
So does that to some degree? Does that end your
entrepreneurial spirit?

Speaker 13 (37:39):
I mean no, I've always been a side hustler. I've
always started little things here and there. But now what
I'm seeing is this journey. I used to think that
I just loved starting businesses, like you give it to me.
I love starting it. But what I've learned after starting,
you know six or seven things. I do love business,
but I want to do something that I love, which
is me now, like my comedy and my merch. It's

(37:59):
like I can't. I kind of feel like I'm entrepreneuring
me now. Yeah, what's your merch? I can't say it
on the air, but it's f this house. That is
what I do on TikTok and Instagram. That's like the
big merciver.

Speaker 4 (38:13):
Yeah.

Speaker 13 (38:13):
Yeah, I just did carpenter pencils and T shirts and stuff.

Speaker 1 (38:17):
Yeah, that's that's fun. That's different too, carpenter pencils.

Speaker 13 (38:20):
Like yeah, it was just because I mean I do
a lot of just I hate it person I hate
working on my house, but the also loves it.

Speaker 9 (38:26):
Yeah, and if you make it entertainment turn into content. Uh,
makes it enjoyable for a little bit, and then you
hate it.

Speaker 1 (38:33):
Yeah, you know it's crazy.

Speaker 13 (38:34):
You know, the internet works in really crazy ways with
like the algorithm and what they're going to feed to people.

Speaker 1 (38:38):
It's really up and down. You know.

Speaker 13 (38:40):
For the longest time, my content about kids was like
if anyone walked up to me on the street, it
was like, oh, dude, you're the TikTok dad. And now
the last several months it's like, oh, you're the you're
the house guy. But this this one's really interesting.

Speaker 8 (38:51):
Uh.

Speaker 13 (38:51):
I've had like fifteen production companies hit me up. Wanted
to make a TV show out of the stuff that
I do on TikTok.

Speaker 7 (38:58):
Right, Like I got like a guy who's having a
hard time with his house and that like a like
this old house for people that barely know what they're doing.

Speaker 13 (39:05):
Real life, yeah, home construction stuff, right, Yeah, hitting.

Speaker 7 (39:09):
Your thumb with a hammer and that kind of stuff.
You're ruining your house, right.

Speaker 1 (39:12):
I just wanted to save the money, and it was like, yeah,
you want to do a show about you ruining your house.
Derek Cahill is doing one show tomorrow afternoon at the
Cleveland Funny Bone.

Speaker 5 (39:22):
It's a three thirty show.

Speaker 7 (39:24):
You can find him on the Cleveland Funny Bone website
there and buy tickets if you want. This is your
first headlining run, you know it is. It's the Toxic
Papa Tours.

Speaker 8 (39:33):
Yeah.

Speaker 13 (39:33):
Yeah, I talk quite a bit about raising kids this one.
How many kids three and they're little?

Speaker 11 (39:38):
Now.

Speaker 1 (39:38):
I have a fifteen year old, Oh you really, an
eight year old and a three year old. Yeah.

Speaker 7 (39:43):
I have one that just left college. I have another
one who is a junior in college. And I have
a third grader. Oh wow, So I'm like brand, Yeah,
have both ends of the spectrum still running around the
chasing little ones. But the but the themes are going
to be the same, right, I mean, irrespective of how
old some of these kids are, if you have children,
these are things that people understand.

Speaker 13 (40:04):
Oh even if they're older, you can remember them. If
they're not quite there.

Speaker 1 (40:07):
It's something to look forward to, right yeah.

Speaker 7 (40:10):
Now, But since you're going out, is it a shift
in the dynamic of how things normally work because you're
gone and there at home? I mean that's takes some
that's a transition that kids aren't always either down with that.
They don't get it, or yeah, my three year old,
So a long time you were just around, I assume.

Speaker 1 (40:26):
Yeah. No, for i quit my last.

Speaker 13 (40:29):
Job in twenty twenty two, and I've been doing just
my own stuff for the last couple of years, so
I've been home a lot, which has been super cool. Yeah,
my three year old knows, he's like, you're gonna go
do Comby show.

Speaker 1 (40:39):
I don't know if he knows what that is. He
just I'm gonna not be around.

Speaker 13 (40:44):
Yeah, it's it's ebbs and flows like this, this stint
that I'm on right now. Tomorrow's my last show of
like a ten day run, and I was home for
like seventeen hours in the middle. That's tough to be
done that long because yeah, like my wife is handling
school and jiu jitsu and math football and she does
roller derby, so it's a lot for her to take on.

Speaker 7 (41:03):
More So, where were you just in as we talk
about the trajectory of all the things that you've done,
I'm curious where you were in that when the pandemic hit.

Speaker 5 (41:12):
Were you in a spot where you're like, I will
be all right or whatever.

Speaker 7 (41:15):
Financially well just creatively, and were you still doing the
corporate thing or were you transitioning into something else when
the when the pandemic hit, I was in like the
midst of quitting, Like I think I'd already acknowledged like
I had my own one and only panic attack.

Speaker 1 (41:31):
Ever. I was in the bathtub of all play, the
most serene place you could be. I couldn't breathe, and
I just took.

Speaker 13 (41:36):
That as a cue of like, something's going to change, right,
And that was I think right before the pandemic hit.

Speaker 1 (41:41):
Then the pandemic hit.

Speaker 13 (41:42):
I ended up working there for another like five or
six months, and then I left and content I started
randomly posting I think right before the pandemic hit, just
random funny whatever I thought was funny videos would post up.

Speaker 1 (41:53):
In the last couple of years has just kept growing.

Speaker 7 (41:54):
And so it really was just kind of you kind
of obviously there's a lot of effort put into it,
but content wise and what resonated with people. If it
sounds like you kind of did fall ass backwards into
people really liking just what.

Speaker 13 (42:07):
You were, naturally you can say ass here people back
the whole time. Yeah, give me, give me work. If
you're talking about a specific one, no, yeah, I did, man,
and I think that's part of I don't think I
could ever like tell it, like replicate this for anyone, uh,
because it's it's just been by accident.

Speaker 1 (42:27):
Like people, it's cool they just like me.

Speaker 13 (42:30):
Which is this journey I've been on the last few
years of like I don't want to do things for
other people anymore, like be a different person, so you
and you and you like me.

Speaker 1 (42:38):
It's like, I just want to be me. And it's
been cool to see people show up.

Speaker 7 (42:42):
For that, especially now it's impossible to do what you
think people will like. It's like I always think of
whether it's this or social media whatever, I always think
of like that your audience will find you and if
they dig what you're doing. I mean, because if you try,
it's the human version of trying to gain the algorithm.
If you're trying to do stuff that you think people
will like, you might get some people, but the rest of.

Speaker 5 (43:03):
Them go, I don't know what this is.

Speaker 13 (43:04):
And it's hard as a creator and especially as a comedian,
because when you do these things, you want the attention,
like it's an outcome of what you do. If you
get on stage, of course, a byproduct of success. Is
a room full of people that paid to come see you.

Speaker 1 (43:15):
Yeah. On social media, it's views and comments and likes.

Speaker 13 (43:18):
And one of the first videos I posted that when
viral was in early twenty twenty one. I was just
randomly returning a car to enterprise, uh, and no one
was answering their phones. So I and I had you know,
a thousand followers on TikTok at the time. I answer
the phone and I'm helping the customer, and I just
I thought it was funny. I started recording it, chopped
it up, posted it on TikTok, and I got like
twenty five million views that I was.

Speaker 1 (43:40):
Gonna ask, what's the one that blew up?

Speaker 13 (43:42):
But it's funny when you think about blowing up, Like
it's not like, you know, we see the hawk to
a girl right now, like ooh, she's like all over
the place. I've had a bunch of videos pop up,
but it's always it's just like normal.

Speaker 1 (43:53):
It's just all right, let's get right back to normal though,
right everyone says.

Speaker 5 (43:56):
Still has had that.

Speaker 7 (43:57):
Mary who's also on her show, has had that where
you'll get one that's like three million views and the
next week is like a couple of thousands back to normal, right,
But I.

Speaker 9 (44:04):
Think find that consistency is and like finding the people
that will engage with the regular post, not just the
ones that get big.

Speaker 1 (44:13):
Yeah that's and I have that now.

Speaker 13 (44:15):
You know, I've built enough of a following and a
good fan base where I do have a lot of
good consistency with the stuff I post on Instagram and TikTok.
But I'm also really fortunate that I found this later
in life because it messes with your head like quite
a bit, dude.

Speaker 5 (44:28):
Like, so that video that popped off.

Speaker 13 (44:30):
The next two weeks you have you know your your
you know your follow up videos.

Speaker 1 (44:34):
Everyone asked, quote, well what happened next?

Speaker 8 (44:36):
Say?

Speaker 13 (44:37):
And I had to really come to terms because like,
I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want
to be the guy that then goes to Walmart ANSWER's phone.
I bet you're bit Yeah, you know, like that's the shtick,
because that's what people do on the Internet. They find
something that works and they never stop doing it.

Speaker 1 (44:49):
Yeah, like a micro niches or what. Yeah, you know,
And if I was twenty four, I may I may
have would I may.

Speaker 13 (44:55):
Have done that. I'm like, oh, well, this is what
the people want, but I'm sitting there. I was thirty
thirty at the time. I had two kids at the time.
I was like, I'm not freaking no one in stores
answering phones to people and I had to literally ignore
something that could get views to just keep.

Speaker 1 (45:10):
Doing the stuff I liked. And I said that to myself.

Speaker 13 (45:11):
I was like, dude, listen, if they like you, they'll
find another video that you do.

Speaker 1 (45:16):
Like what I do next. Well. That's like with stuff
that I've had that's done well.

Speaker 9 (45:19):
Is I'm a step parent, I'm ex Mormon, and one
of my kids is trans, and like those a lot,
But I also don't want that to just be Like
I don't want to just have every bit that I
do be about my son being trans, like not even
really my story to tell.

Speaker 1 (45:37):
It's more for him.

Speaker 9 (45:38):
So like I like that people hear that story and
it is helpful, but I don't want to jug. I
also don't want to like sell merch. That's like ex
Mormon comedian guys like the reason I left the church
because I don't want to be part of it, Like
I don't want to talk about it.

Speaker 7 (45:54):
It's like when you have your dinosaur phase when you're
three your grandmother gets you dinosaurs until you.

Speaker 1 (45:59):
Yourself dinos and mail. I know how much you love
your toadnosaurs. Yeah, there are too many arms. You love it.

Speaker 7 (46:05):
Derek Cahill find him on YouTube and Instagram and TikTok
and you will be one of many, many, many people
watching his stuff. He is doing one show tomorrow afternoon.
I think it's very close to being sold out, if
it's not already.

Speaker 5 (46:19):
Derek K.

Speaker 7 (46:20):
Hill is at the Cleveland Funny Bone tomorrow afternoon. That
is a three thirty show doors an hour prior. And
it's good to meet you man. Good luck out there,
and thanks for coming in.

Speaker 1 (46:29):
Thanks so much for having me. Guys.

Speaker 6 (46:30):
Absolutely authors say to write what you know, which is
why he remains unpubbly.

Speaker 1 (46:38):
How can you know nothing about anything, Alan Cox?

Speaker 5 (46:42):
It was absolutely nothing on one hundred point seven w mms.

Speaker 1 (46:50):
Bonel.

Speaker 7 (46:53):
This is when I played to lord the old women
into my lay. I have a layer, you have least something.
You are a good.

Speaker 1 (47:05):
Look at you. I'm say no, look at you.

Speaker 5 (47:07):
No, look at you, look at you, Look at you.
I'm gonna look at you.

Speaker 1 (47:09):
You look at me, look at there is you are dude?
You are you go? I mean, so many people could
fall in love with you. I go hard, don't I buddy?

Speaker 3 (47:22):
You?

Speaker 1 (47:22):
I you you you? You? I am hello. That's why
he starts talking, starts losing them.

Speaker 7 (47:29):
I know when Robert Kelly walks into a room, you
can see him, you can smell him. You smell like
a million dollars and look at you?

Speaker 1 (47:40):
Is that what it is? That Johnny Depp cologne? Is
the Johnny Depp vehicle into cologne? Is it door? What
is savage? Is it?

Speaker 7 (47:47):
I don't know, but I say the ads and I
always go, I would love to know what that smells like.

Speaker 5 (47:52):
And unless you're kidding, now, I know. I went to
the lady.

Speaker 1 (47:54):
I go, I want something that will make a young
girl say I want to let you. And it worked. No,
she gave me a gym membership, said why don't you
get gastric sleeve surgery?

Speaker 7 (48:06):
So I did, and that I got. Is that what
you did to get skinny? Did you have the sleeve?

Speaker 1 (48:11):
I did?

Speaker 7 (48:12):
Man, I got because I know you lost it like
this was PreO zempic, so.

Speaker 5 (48:16):
I knew it wasn't better.

Speaker 1 (48:17):
That came out like three months later, you were like, great,
you couldn't give me a heads up. Yeah, I mean, yeah,
it really pissed me off. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (48:26):
I got it like two years ago.

Speaker 1 (48:27):
I got it two years ago, and I didn't tell
anybody either, because I was in the closet with it.
I just you know what I mean, because I you know,
I'm watching videos of Rogan and Marky Mark. Dude, five
in the morning, Kevin Hart, you got to get at it.

Speaker 5 (48:41):
Yeah, And I tried, and I just couldn't get at it.

Speaker 1 (48:44):
Dude.

Speaker 7 (48:44):
That's why I always think that that, Okay, maybe Mark Wahlberg,
but these guys are like two in the morning, No
you don't.

Speaker 1 (48:51):
They do, but they have seventeen people waking them up.
Yeah that's true. I have no friends, right, I have
a wife that barely like snores and his menopause.

Speaker 9 (49:00):
Yeah yeah, I mean I have no friends that are
gonna be up that early, like yeah, Like I wouldn't
be like, come on body, ket it and be like
are you sleeping in I'm sleeping.

Speaker 1 (49:09):
Yeah, but we go get breakfast.

Speaker 4 (49:10):
Ye.

Speaker 1 (49:11):
Yeah. The only friends that I have up that late
are coming back in from dirty stuff. Yeah. Yeah, dude,
it's it's I had to do it. I did it.
I was walking around with this secret. For a long time,
I felt like I was I felt like I was gay.
I was guys are like, what are you doing, dude,
I'm like, you know whatever, calories in calories. Yeah. It's
so funny though. One of my friends I have all
these dude the cigar lounges, and they were like, dude,

(49:33):
what are you doing? You know, because I was losing
weight dramaticalness, and I was just I was lying, just
you know, hey man, I'm just trying, you know, keto
and blah blah blah. But then I finally had to
tell them, so what what? What precipitated you saying okay, fine,
it was this. I don't know what that precipitated means,
but I'm thinking it was raining in your house before

(49:55):
I started raining in your house and raining information on people.
That was a real move on part. I know it.
You're in that chair, I'm in this chair. I'm leaving
in twenty minutes. Yes, weather puns welcome. No, yeah, it
was I was gonna die. Man. They actually tried to
get me on ozembic years ago when it first came

(50:15):
out for diabetes. I was pre Lidy was like, you're
pre diabetic. I was like, listen, I can't. I do
not want to shoot a needle in my stomach. I
just don't want to do it. I don't know what
it is. So I tried, and I tried gain. I
lose twenty, gain thirty, lose thirty, gain forty. It was
past the point of I needed my stomach to go.
I went to rehab thirty eight years ago. Right, I

(50:37):
went away for fourteen months for drugs and alcohol. I
was away. But you can't do that with food like
that addiction. You have to live life have I got
a family, I gotta pay bills, I gotta go on
the road. So I was like, my stomach can go
to rehab, go away, and I can go live my life.
So my stomach's on rehab for two years and I
can learn to like I did it with alcohol, I

(50:58):
can learn how to live life and not be, you know,
such a savage with food.

Speaker 7 (51:03):
So I but you had to be forced to learn.
Some people eat their way past that sleeve.

Speaker 1 (51:08):
Yeah. Well that's the problem is that after two years
you can eat again.

Speaker 7 (51:13):
After a year and a half, you can start eating
more because in the beginning it's like you're counting your
grains of rice, aren't you. Oh buddy, you don't want
them blowing up in your tummy.

Speaker 1 (51:20):
Oh you dump. It's called dumping. Oh dude. I used
to dump intentionally just to embarrass my wife. Because if
you eat much too fast, like a like a cat,
I'm like, I'm gonna talk. She's like, don't eat here
and just grab a coffee cup. Just a little ball
of something, just a ball of like dried chicken would
come out of my mouth, and I'm like, sorry, everybody,

(51:41):
I was terrible. I just embarrassed all the time. So yeah,
you couldn't. But now I can eat what I can
eat more. But because I I just stop. You know,
f food, man, I don't I'm I don't care. I
don't care where we going for dinner. I don't care.
Everybody gives me a hard time because of how I eat.

Speaker 5 (51:58):
How do you eat? He's over food on his own though.
I drink my thro this.

Speaker 9 (52:02):
Yeah, he drinks salads. What he's Yeah, he doesn't like butter,
he doesn't like. Oh you know who I talk to
who also drinks my salads? Reggie Watts. He were on
the Squeezy Salad train. By the way, it is this
company that makes basically like little kiddy pouches, but it's vegetables, right, Okay,
And I go listen, if I my wife and I
are if we go have dinner somewhere, I'm gonna eat.

(52:23):
But day to day, when I'm in here and I'm
doing my thing, I will squeeze a salad into my
mouth and I'll be done with.

Speaker 11 (52:29):
It like that.

Speaker 1 (52:39):
I dude, I get it, like I try. I don't
care my whole thing. I mean, I used to come
to Cleveland. I used to like, where are we going?
I am my own food show, food show in Cleveland
last time I was here. Yeah, it's just like I
don't care. But I could go and have a half
a sandwich. I'm done. I just I throw out the
other half. Yeah, I don't care about it. I used

(53:00):
to beat so guilty pushing my food away and be
like you want to take that? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't, especially since portions are so big in places.
It's ridiculous, weird. I split food my wife a lot. Well,
we split I'm that guy. We'll split something, so we'll
get us sees a salad and then we'll split a
fil a six sounds not eight? Who needs that. I'm

(53:21):
so silly with that stuff. But I don't get my kid.
He's eleven. He gets the big steak. I get the
little piece of steak, and I'm out. I eat and
I try to be aware of my food, and then
I'm done. I push it away and I walk away.
Every once in a while, though, dude, butter is my thing. Though.
I just moved to a new town. They have one
of those those bakeries, you know, those you know, the

(53:42):
lesbian bakeries, which I think should be in every town.
By the way, Yeah, dude, when you show up, if
there's a bad town and the lesbian bakery opens up,
it's gonna be good soon by real estate gets because
it's coming back. Oh my god. And there's one in
my dude, that's my achilles. But I found lesbians or
lesbians both. But they have to be together. Yeah right,

(54:05):
just I love a hairy shin. They can't. They can't
just be friends. I like butter on an elbow. They
can bite and not hurt anybody. Yeah, they like I'll
go there the bag at, I said, bag Att. Yeah,
it's uh, be careful here. The Yeah, I love I
love breads, but like enriched flour I don't eat. I

(54:29):
eat real flour. I went to Europe for a month.
I lost five pounds.

Speaker 7 (54:32):
I was gonna say, when you travel overseas, you're like
nobody heres walking around fast because eating amazing food.

Speaker 1 (54:38):
No preservatives, no, the butter is real. Everything is all
the tomatoes out of the garden. And yeah, yeah they eat,
they get stuff for two to their fridges. They're real
small because they're eating and they're going to get more stuff.
So I just kind of took that and I don't
hit like if I have rice, it's non enriched, it's jasmine.
I'll have a little bit. I just figured out the
food in our country is poisoned because they want a

(55:01):
super stopping shop and they wanted to last for six months.
So I figured out what foods to eat, the ones
that I like that I can have without uh, and
I just eat a little bit of it.

Speaker 7 (55:11):
Where they always say shop the perimeter of the grocery store. Yeah,
I mean that's easier said than done, but yeah, so yeah,
it's dude.

Speaker 1 (55:18):
I love it now because you know I was gonna
I was. I was literally a death store. A lot
of nights. My feet felt wet like I was I
would a lot of other knights. Other people's feet felt wet,
and I didn't understand that. Now I'm thinking my feet
felt I was. I still have that, Yeah, I still

(55:40):
have that. You're still a man, yeah, and it's I mean,
I love being able to like I just we just
showed him like two years ago, I wanted one of
those spinny rides at the carnival.

Speaker 5 (55:49):
Yeah, uh, you know, just the thing.

Speaker 1 (55:52):
I sat on the wrong side, and I almost murdered
my son, like legitimately, I just heard him going, Dad, please,
and I was like, I hit.

Speaker 5 (56:02):
I couldn't pull myself.

Speaker 1 (56:05):
I was three sixty about to smush Wow a nine
year old like crush his ribs in a carnival, right,
And last night we went on and I sat on
the big side.

Speaker 5 (56:16):
He said, he's he almost crushed me. Had hold you down.

Speaker 1 (56:19):
He's he's eleven, and he's got the same foot size
as me. He's uh, same pants, his hands are bigger
than mine. Where his feet went his no, his feet
nor right. He's going to be a big kid. And
I mean he's he's a man. Yeah. Like, let's put
it this way. We were changing at the we went
to a water park and we had to go on

(56:40):
the thing and change and were both you know, both
yeah right, And he's like, Dad, why is why is
you are so small? And I was like shut up.
I was like I film, I swear to god. I
was like kids, the kids bigger. I was like, watch
pan him. It's a not aw Yeah, that's right. The

(57:02):
legendary case of grower v. Shower. You have a kid,
You have kids?

Speaker 5 (57:05):
I have three.

Speaker 7 (57:05):
I have a twenty four year old, I have a
twenty year old, and I have an eight year old.
Oh my god, So you spanned it.

Speaker 1 (57:11):
I did you did wives, you would have been done.

Speaker 5 (57:15):
I was almost out, you out.

Speaker 11 (57:17):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (57:17):
My youngest brother was a grandfather at thirty nine.

Speaker 1 (57:21):
I didn't do that, but yeah, I was.

Speaker 7 (57:22):
So I have a I have a My son just
graduated college or he's about to.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
He's already working.

Speaker 11 (57:26):
Wow.

Speaker 5 (57:27):
My daughter is a junior, and my other daughter is
a third grader.

Speaker 11 (57:31):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (57:31):
So you're you're going with an old dad. You're a lifer,
You're a you're a lifer parent. I mean, he keeps
your running around. All the cliches are kind of true.
They're like, keeps your running around. It all, all of
them are. Yeah, it's it's a I mean he's starting
to be a man now, Like he came home from
school there starting to stink. Hey he smells, Yeah, he stinks.
He doesn't know he stinks. He goes out. He left.

(57:52):
We left him in the house buyers by himself. Yeah,
that was a beautiful feeling, Like to leave a kid
alone by himself.

Speaker 7 (57:59):
And not worry that he was going to burn the
place down. We'll not he was gonna hurt himself.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
Or well I did. It wasn't worried, I didn't care.
I think it was more of that.

Speaker 5 (58:06):
It wasn't concerned.

Speaker 7 (58:07):
It was complete and utter apathy about his well being.

Speaker 1 (58:10):
I've known for eleven years. I think that's a long time.
We had a good run. That's a nice Yeah, we
had some nice time. Yeah, it's pretty much downhill from
near until he's like twenty eight, right, yeah, until I
need him again.

Speaker 7 (58:21):
If we need a part company. Now, i'd walk away
feeling okay.

Speaker 1 (58:24):
I think we have better memories, more better memories than
not right, right, Yes.

Speaker 7 (58:29):
You kind of have to ride out those middle years
until they're an adult and they start to look at
you and go, oh, now I get what you were saying.

Speaker 1 (58:35):
With all that life sucks stuff. And now I understand
everybody says that. The next from like thirteen until twenty something. Yeah,
he's not gonna like me.

Speaker 7 (58:45):
No, It's just a gauntlet you got to run through.
And that's part Like my older kids. My my my
ex wife and I got divorced when they were real little, right,
So I saw them all the time, but I was
like I was either on the air in Cleveland or
I was living in Chicago or Pittsburgh or whatever, and
so it was like I they didn't see me every day,
they didn't grow up with me, but I saw them
all the time. So ironically, there's things I'm doing with

(59:07):
my eight year old that I never did before. Yeah,
because I wasn't the day to day guy, right, So
now it's it's it's strange. I mean, I'm fifty three,
so I'm an old dad by any measure, but I'm
doing all these things. You know, I taught my daugh
or how to ride a bike. I had never done
that before, and I got two older kids. That's kind
of weird. I'm fifty three too.

Speaker 1 (59:27):
Yeah, and I'm I'm spending as much time as I
can with him. First of all, because I have comedian
friends and they suck. Comic friends are the worst. They're
just terrible because all they want to do is can
I go do a spot? How about we just you
mean ones with no kids? No?

Speaker 4 (59:44):
One?

Speaker 1 (59:44):
Yeah? Well most a lot of them don't have kids. Yeah,
a lot of them don't have kids. But you're not
about like Gaffigan.

Speaker 7 (59:48):
You're talking about like, you know, who's that Frank Thomas
Gaffigan writer, Yes, on a Lake.

Speaker 1 (01:00:00):
In the Woods. Yes, yeah, well he's a different story, dude.
But he's got nineteen kids. That's like a fault, ye know,
allion dollars. So that's what I say too. If you
have a night nanny, you're not a parent, right yeah,
if you I'm not gonna say who. Somebody came into
the cellar one night, was like home so tired. I'm like,

(01:00:21):
why yup all night?

Speaker 14 (01:00:22):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (01:00:23):
I mean thank all, we got the night nanny to
come in. I was like, what, Yeah, it's an it's
a woman. She comes in and I'll get it. I
get to sleep and she takes care of the baby.
If anything happened, no, no, but there is a I
would admit that may Yeah, I don't like you have

(01:00:44):
a living nanny or a night nanny. If it's not
you and your wife or you yourself banging it out with
that kid, you ain't a full parent. You're rich. If
you got someone that comes in and does something every day,
well you can go and take a little nappy poo.
Because that's the blew me away. When when I first

(01:01:05):
had the kid, my life was like, I'm going to
go to the store. Can you watch the baby? I
was like, yeah, I got no problem. She came back.
I I wanted to quit, Like see if we could
give it up for adoptuments, right, I was. I was
going to fall asleep, and you can't fall asleepleep. If
they don't go to sleep, you don't go to sleep.
So yeah, because they'll die. Yeah, they'll just go lights
uping on fire, or fall just falling a knife. My

(01:01:28):
eyes were shutting, like when they say, oh you get
when you're getting a baby, get some sleep. No, no, no, no,
don't get sleep. Hang out with navy seals. Learn how
to stay up for thirty seven hours, right, seventy two
hours you're not going to get That's how she learn
how to do.

Speaker 7 (01:01:43):
Learn to sleep in two inches of water. The Navy
Seals boy basic training.

Speaker 1 (01:01:48):
I remember the first time when we first got the baby.
This is all the stuff they don't tell you either.

Speaker 5 (01:01:52):
When you first bought it from China.

Speaker 1 (01:01:53):
When I first bought it from China, I was just
throwing instruments in his hand, hoping it was a prodigy.

Speaker 7 (01:01:59):
I kept falling over on the piano bench and I
couldn't figure it out.

Speaker 1 (01:02:02):
Isn't it funny though, when you because I don't know
how women feel, but for me, and I talked to
a couple of guy friends, when you first have the baby,
you're like, is it is it? Does it have it?
Does it have the that thing? You know what I
mean where it's just nose math, you those like every
state automatically.

Speaker 11 (01:02:19):
You know what?

Speaker 1 (01:02:20):
Am I gonna be able to make money off this
little soukkah? And I literally was giving him like harmonicas
and stuff. I put a piano. I bought him a
piano like one and just put it in his lap
and just maybe he played Beethoven or something, right, I
get him chess at like two, but I just damn it. Yeah,
I got I just got a bad book of I.

Speaker 7 (01:02:40):
Got one of those you record voice notes of yourself
talking and then play it while they sleep.

Speaker 1 (01:02:45):
Dude, I had heard like guitar, I put headphones. I
made this belt with headphones on it and played classical
music in my wife's belly while he was in the belly.
Thinking I could create a prodigy. Yeah, yeah, I didn't know. Yeah,
because you're the one probably or you want a regular kid.
You don't want the in the middle prodigy, like the
kid that can stack cups quick. You know that's a loser, you.

Speaker 5 (01:03:06):
Know exactly, you know what.

Speaker 1 (01:03:12):
But I remember when we first had the kid, we
used to play poop roulette because I hate poop. I
hate it. I'll throw a dirty pedal up puke. And
when he put that formula poop and we would play
poop roulette where you know, it was my turn. Then
her turned to change the baby. I got pee four
times in a row. So we go down, open up

(01:03:33):
the thing. Whoo pee. I remember we brought brought the
be down, open it up. It was pee. I'm like yeah,
And right then projectile vomited on my chest. All that
formula diarrhea shot out of his butt, hit all my
clone bottles on a shelf, and I went oh, And

(01:03:53):
then he peed in my mouth. Yeah, it's like you
had a sprinkler going and my wife laughed so hard
she peed. You know those things are after you on birth. Yeah, nothing,
it's gone. Yes, it's god. It's like you're renovating a
fireplace and you find stuffs up there like a safe.

Speaker 7 (01:04:12):
Hey, that's my grandfather's World War One watch up in there. No, listen,
I'll not see the youth knife in there. This is
an SS helmet. Where did that come from? I think
the Cougards. Last time you were on the show, it
was like a while ago, but my wife was sitting
in and the two of you were kiddittzing over the
giant turds that will come out of toddlers. Listen to
me due our baby when she was constipated, like we

(01:04:34):
had her on her back and it was like a
Campbell's soup can came out of this kid, Like.

Speaker 1 (01:04:37):
Oh my god. They don't have tiktoks. No, they have
tiktoks about EIGHTYHD and if your kid thinks it's you
know this or that or whatever, they have all these
tiktoks on everything else except giant turds. Yeah, Mike, come
out of eighteen month olds. Still still still. We have
to anytime we get a metal coat hanger somewhere, we

(01:04:59):
have to to steal it and bring it home. We
have to make poop knives. Yeah, I've literally perfected the
poof knut poop knife you got out of them. I
bend it and use the hook. The hook top is
the knife part. You bend that and then the handle
and you cut it like uh, like a Brazilian steakhouse.
And we just we just moved. I had to get

(01:05:20):
special toilets in to flush. Buddy. The last one he
did came out. It was in the hole and came
out like an anaconda.

Speaker 14 (01:05:31):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:05:31):
Right, I'd have a talk with you had a sewer
rat coming out or something.

Speaker 1 (01:05:35):
It came out. It was a little tip of it
was hanging on the seat. And now he's proud of them,
your dad, dad. I'm like, buddy, you I've been making
him do it himself. It's it's it's so satisfying.

Speaker 7 (01:05:48):
These kinds of acrobatics are not going to get you
a girlfriend down the line.

Speaker 1 (01:05:51):
By the way. The kid's got to know that his guy.
That's the thing. It's like, dude, you can't do this
over a girl's house. No, you couldn't be hilarious. Yeah,
it'd be great if you look at this.

Speaker 5 (01:06:00):
This is amazing.

Speaker 6 (01:06:02):
Clevelanders are damn proud of their city.

Speaker 1 (01:06:06):
Come on, you were born here, he moved here. This
is a man that has endured real torture in a
foreign setting. So who's the real hero? I would hope
people would listen to our heroes. Alix on seven.

Speaker 7 (01:06:21):
WMMS Black Crows by the way, part of the that
iHeartRadio Music Festival. That is tonight and tomorrow night. I
don't know when they're going to be on. It's on
Hulu starting at ten thirty, but I know that they
will be on tonight. They're not playing tomorrow night. Bobby
Kelly is here. How about those Patriots? Wows about them?

Speaker 5 (01:06:44):
Pat's baby? Wow? Wow wow, whoo picked up?

Speaker 1 (01:06:48):
Wow? Uh huh oh my god. Must feel good though,
because you couldn't do that for like twenty years. Well,
that's the thing. It's funny.

Speaker 7 (01:06:55):
Everybody I know who were like Patriots fans, turns out
they were Tom Brady fans. Wow, and they ain't flying
the flag so hard anymore. It's like, well you kind
of have the I mean, if you're I understand it.

Speaker 1 (01:07:06):
I get it. I'm a Bears fan. And then matter
who we have, we got to be like yeah, I mean, look,
I'm from Boston. You gotta love everything. Yeah, no matter what,
we had a good run, dude, yeah we had.

Speaker 9 (01:07:16):
We had almost The Celtics won the championship three months.

Speaker 1 (01:07:20):
Ago, more than just about anybody ever gets. I don't
you know, I missed the days of just being the
losers too. I mean before well you're back to them. Okay, thanks,
that's nice. Take us second the days are here again?
Maybe all right, thanks. I mean it's steaks. It really,
it's just terrible watching them, but you gotta watch them.

(01:07:40):
Jets last night. Red Sox are good. Though Red are great.
There are Rice, you know, I mean, you know, do
there go? I do remember?

Speaker 9 (01:07:49):
Uh So when we met, it was like two thousand
and seven, and like that fall, it was the Indians
versus the Red Sox, and I was like like we
were up three to one on you guys, and I
was like enjoy, you know, I was talking crap. And
then I remember I was driving home from a gig

(01:08:09):
and I was like I had just talked crap because
we just won, and You're like, shut up, you're stupid.
I hate you, you know the way we talk. Yeah,
and then I swerved to miss a deer and like
crashed my car.

Speaker 1 (01:08:25):
Sorry.

Speaker 9 (01:08:26):
And then and then I was like, well, at least
the Indians won. And then the Red Sox ran out
three games, knocked usute of the playoffs, went to the
World Series one again.

Speaker 1 (01:08:36):
Yeah, and you had to take the bush. You're like,
how's your car? Stupid. It's funny because after the two
thousand and four greatest comeback in history. Yeah, I mean
that to me, I'm out right, I'm out in my
in my life. The fact that they beat the it
was all about the Yankees for sure. Red Sox fan Boston,

(01:08:58):
we didn't care about any win the World Series. Great,
we needed to beat the Yankees to get to the
World Series the year before that, Darren Boone blah blah blah.
That's where my life was with the Red Sox. That
that two thousand and four. We're done, it's over. It's great.
We don't need anything else as far as Zach goes.

(01:09:19):
But then the Patriots, though, I mean, that was that
was too much. It's too much. It's too many. I mean,
if you look at the Seahawks gang. If you look
at the Atlanta game, it's it's too much for one.

Speaker 9 (01:09:33):
Town to hack right where you guys are just like,
oh okay, the Falcons game, that one still.

Speaker 1 (01:09:42):
Doesn't make sense, Like you would go back and watch
that and it's all one border and it doesn't make sense.
It's like they made a deal in the back or something.
And the fact, my favorite thing about the Falcons game
is the next day watching Falcon fans who it's just
the aggression of yeah, well, what the messy and close,

(01:10:04):
what the hell's going on? Well, I don't love enough
money to pay this bag. Just smashing a TV was
the greatest videos. I would watch those videos all over
and over. That's one of my favorite things.

Speaker 9 (01:10:15):
When people will celebrate a team like the Cowboys being bad.
I'm like, I know, I wanted to be just good enough.
Yeah that they get to the place, and then I
like them smashing the TV.

Speaker 1 (01:10:25):
I like that.

Speaker 9 (01:10:26):
I like those videos, and it's not as satisfying if
they're doing it in Round one. I want to see,
like I want to see them smash a TV in
the Super Bowl.

Speaker 1 (01:10:34):
It's not as fun seeing people smash TVs anymore because
they're I mean, you get a fire TV for eighty
four months.

Speaker 7 (01:10:40):
They're so it's like when you used to get a
walk man at that end cap at Walgreens, you know
what I mean?

Speaker 9 (01:10:45):
Yeah, I was at Walmart, Like a fifty five inch
TV is two hundred and eight.

Speaker 1 (01:10:49):
Yeah, yeah, we could do that for a bit bag
back when they were smashing the TVs because that was
like a three thousand. That was new technology.

Speaker 7 (01:10:59):
Yeah, that was you got a stack of him in
the garage.

Speaker 9 (01:11:03):
Have to like water your TV, like the refill the
plasma every like when they first came out.

Speaker 1 (01:11:08):
Yeah, you had to hold it a certain way and
have Best Buy put it on the wall for you.
I started a guy walking down the street with a
seventy five inch uh Toshiba. You know It's like, how
light is that? It's like it's like an iPhone now. Yeah,
STIGs like a pad of paper. Yeah. The Patriots are great, though,
I mean, I'm still with him. What are you gonna
do a new quarterback? You never know? You never know.
But that was Belichick and Brady and Crafty together yep.

(01:11:32):
Created trying to win games. And that's what was special
about that. Brady didn't get he was the fifteenth highest
played paid quarterback in the league. Yeah, or twelve. That's crazy.
He had how many championships and he wasn't the highest
paid quarterback in the bit.

Speaker 9 (01:11:50):
That's because he said, I want you to be able
to pay other talent to come in here and so
and then he he you know, he's got his money
since then, so he's happy about that. Yeah, but there's
a lot of people that you know, we have a
quarterback here that has lawsuits and issues.

Speaker 1 (01:12:06):
Yeah, he's got a few issues.

Speaker 9 (01:12:07):
He's got the most you know, he's got the most
guaranteed money until just recently. But you know, he's not
out there winning games. But he also doesn't seem like
he's all that worried about it because he's got guaranteed
money forever.

Speaker 7 (01:12:19):
You know, they say, MO guaranteed money, MO guaranteed problems.
You know they say that, I think I have that shirt.
I do think I have that shirt from the Achies.

Speaker 1 (01:12:29):
Yeah, what about the Bruins. Hockey is starting soon. I
like hockey. You care about hockey. I love hockey. I'm
actually friends with cam Neelly. Everybody is in Boston. Yeahs
I do that show every year with him. And uh yeah,
I mean listen, man, I but I like hockey back
in the day. Yes, when I used to go see
Ray Bork and Neely and you know they would fight, Yes,

(01:12:50):
I mean they don't.

Speaker 5 (01:12:51):
They don't use an age of goons.

Speaker 1 (01:12:52):
It was just dude to watch what a sport? Yeah,
where the refs let you fight, beat the piss out
of the other guy, go coolf for a few minutes. Yeah,
I mean that was the fun days of hockey for me,
when just guys would flip the gloves off. I just
wish I could do that in real life. We walked
around with gloves, just flip them off them all.

Speaker 11 (01:13:15):
There.

Speaker 1 (01:13:16):
Oh yeah, I still do that. Yeah, I love that.
But well, you know, you go back further than that,
and they were doing that. They were they were throwing
limp white gloves on the ground and demanding duels. So
it just, you know, it evolves into that. I still
do that. Yeah, that's why I fight. I demand satisfaction.
I actually almost got killed in New York this year.

(01:13:37):
I got a attacked. A guy pulled a knife for
me randomly off. No, I I kind of bumped in,
not bumped in, I kind of almost bumped on no guy,
and he said just flipped out, well, you're going got
to call me all these names. Yeah, yeah, And I
walked away, but then we kind of met back up again.
He was he thought I was following him or something,
and I was just you know, there was just they

(01:13:59):
were doing construction, so I had to go his way.

Speaker 5 (01:14:01):
He came out, well, your binoculars probably didn't help either.

Speaker 1 (01:14:03):
Staring at him and my nipple tassels that bothered him
and he has his name on it. Yes, was weird.
Keep an open mind. Yeah, that was a coincidence, and
said Ricconnor was so much better, was so hacked.

Speaker 7 (01:14:22):
You're Hector bam bam Jmenez to me. You'll always be
Hector Bam bam Jimenez to me.

Speaker 1 (01:14:27):
Yeah. He came me with the knife. He flicked it
out and uh, and just started trying to slice me
up in the subway. And you always think that when
somebody does that, I'm gonna take my jacket off, wrap
itund my wrist and I'm with him. Yeah, I actually
I didn't. I I tailor swift him and ran away,

(01:14:48):
holding my Starbucks snack bag up as he was slicing it.
He sliced my my my peanut butter little thing right
out of my bag.

Speaker 7 (01:14:56):
Then he kicked my my lemon loaf fell right to
the platform.

Speaker 1 (01:14:59):
His that's my nickname in high school, Lemona. He kicked
my phone out of my hand onto the tracks. Really,
it saved my life because he was trying to stab
me slice it away, and then my phone was in
my hand on the other hand and he kicked it and
it flew onto the tracks and.

Speaker 7 (01:15:18):
I was like, my phone's on the track. This guy
was so you didn't have your phone up. It was
like at waste level. I'm like this guy. I'm picturing
this guy doing like high kicks and David Lee Roth
and he he.

Speaker 1 (01:15:27):
Was I had my little snack bag with my cheese platter,
with my peanut butter and my lemon loaf. Yeah, and
I had my phone on my other hand. As I'm
running away from it, me's slicing and he's I had
my phone and he saw it and he just kicked
it and it flew out of my hands onto the tracks,
and I was like, my phone's on the tracks, man,

(01:15:48):
and he's like, I'm going to murder you. I was like,
I know, I get it, but my phone how I
if I don't, how am I going to get that?
Like it's on the tracks. And he's like, I'm going
to kill you. Man, Like my phone, dude, I know,
I don't know how to get that, And he thought
I was so crazy that I just kept talking about
my phone because I was. I was like, all my

(01:16:08):
stuff is on there. My wallet's on the back of
my phone. I was just panicking about my iPhone. And
he was like, everything we have now is on our phones.
It's on my phone. I'm like, dude, everything, Like, if
you don't kill me, that's I got. I got stuff
on there. My wife can't see.

Speaker 7 (01:16:23):
You have essentially killed me, sir, my life is on
the tracks, and he was He just called me a
bunch of names and walked away.

Speaker 1 (01:16:30):
He's like, you stupid, and he walked away. And then
my phone was on the tracks and I didn't know
how to get it.

Speaker 7 (01:16:37):
And you'd have your handy little alligator grabber with you
always that.

Speaker 1 (01:16:41):
I usually do, but I didn't have it today. It
was at the house because my wife had to get
some beans off a top shelf, and all those beans. Yeah,
really screwed me.

Speaker 7 (01:16:51):
Funny, if only you hadn't wanted those pinto beans. I
would have been able to call you. I actually what happened.
It was a guy with the vest that worked there,
and I walked. I was like, yo, man, the guy
just tried to kill me. He goes, yeah, I know.

Speaker 1 (01:17:02):
It was crazy transit. He's like, yeah, it was crazy man.
I saw the whole thing.

Speaker 4 (01:17:07):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:17:07):
Thanks. So then I had to go you're on TikTok
right now. I actually ran into a comic Shredded. He's
like a jiu jitsu comic and I was like, yo, man,
some guy just tried to kill me. He's like, oh,
that's messed up. And I was like, my phone is
on the tracks. I don't know where it is. Can
you call it? And he called it and we would listen.

(01:17:28):
We were like, could hear it ringing? So we went
and found where it was. We could hear it, but
it was on the other side of the third rail,
and I was like damn. He's like yeah man. I
was like, I got a I got a bad knee
and he's like what, I go, I got a manisc
it like I tore him miniscu. Yeah, and he's like, come.

Speaker 7 (01:17:47):
On, you're trying to get him to get down there
and get your phone.

Speaker 1 (01:17:51):
Yeah. He was like, I go, dude, there's no lights
like this. I think he got a couple of minutes.
This kid jumped down and got my phone and was
coming back. I was like, yo, yo, yo, My wallet
was attached to the back of it. Yeah, still there.
He had to go get the wall. Yeah, and he
grabbed and jump back up. But here's the thing, Hey,
could you get the other half of my lemon loaf?

(01:18:13):
It's still good. I saved the lemon loaf. I wouldn't
let that.

Speaker 5 (01:18:16):
Gout the important things.

Speaker 1 (01:18:17):
But he jump back up and gave me my phone.
Thank god. But here's the deal. If I had to
jump I was not making it back up, right, I would.
I would. I would jump down get my wallet, and
then they would have to like pull me up like
a whale, you know, on the beach, and that would suck.
If I survived all this, then I get cut in
half by a train and they have to call my

(01:18:37):
wife come down because we're going to back this train up,
and his guts are gonna fall out. Yeah. Yeah, it
was a nightmare.

Speaker 7 (01:18:44):
It was a nightmare, or at the very least, everybody
all the other commics are going to tell the story
about hauling your ass out of the tracks after.

Speaker 9 (01:18:52):
You got Transactually he's like, he's like, I'll get your stuff,
but like, you got to have me on the bonfire.

Speaker 1 (01:18:57):
I did have I did have him on the fire,
but I was supposed to buy a mistake and I
haven't yet. Okay, well, I gotta really I got to
have a steak mistake. I knowhim a lot more than that. Yeah,
because I have some bad stuff on that phone.

Speaker 9 (01:19:09):
He did so much for you that you stop saying
that on the radio.

Speaker 5 (01:19:14):
Yeah, if you know we're.

Speaker 1 (01:19:14):
On the radio, you guys are really comfortable to talk
to me.

Speaker 5 (01:19:17):
I don't I going to tell you anything. I'm bisexual.

Speaker 7 (01:19:20):
You owe him a twelve ounce steak, not just a
six sounds. You owe him a twelve A twelve ounce. Yeah,
you'll take a six. He'll have the twelve a right well,
because he's black. Because the forty eight ounce Porterhouse is
sold out. Okay, YU down with some dramboos.

Speaker 1 (01:19:34):
I do need to get him, so I forgot all
about that till right now. I promised him a damn steak.

Speaker 5 (01:19:38):
And you're welcome. We've reminded you.

Speaker 1 (01:19:40):
I will get him a steak. Damn.

Speaker 9 (01:19:42):
Yeah, you bring that up and he's like, Bobby told
me a step. Wait long enough, he might become vegan.
Though that happens, really, he'll be like, oh, I don't
need meet anymore. So then he'll just have to buy
him a cauliflower steak, vegan steak. Oh maybe he'll get
stabbed in the subway. How weird would that be? I
have to say, you got to kill me? Killed him
pushed tin like it was nice. You guys don't have

(01:20:05):
trains here, right, we have trains. You have a subway.

Speaker 1 (01:20:08):
Yeah, it's a series of buses and trains that I'm
not sure where they go, but people take them. And yes,
is it around? It is some of it is.

Speaker 11 (01:20:17):
Is it?

Speaker 5 (01:20:18):
Is it safe? No, I've written it.

Speaker 7 (01:20:21):
Yeah, I mean I think people overplay the safety of
it or the lack of safety.

Speaker 5 (01:20:26):
But it depends on it goes to come downtown.

Speaker 9 (01:20:29):
Yeah, it's like anything where it's like depending on time
of day, how busy it is. But you know it's
not something you want to probably be on late at
night by yourself. Right, so it's dangerous. Yeah, I love
the way people do that.

Speaker 1 (01:20:41):
No, it depends on time of day where it is
after a Guardians game or something like that. There's a
lot of people you find. Okay, but I don't think
it's twenty four hours though either. I don't think it
runs out all night.

Speaker 9 (01:20:51):
I mean, but it does like those last two trips,
like and it's you know, you don't want to be
drunk taking it back to the Strongsville or whatever.

Speaker 1 (01:21:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:21:00):
Yeah, Bobby Kelly and Bill Squire are at hilarities this weekend.

Speaker 5 (01:21:07):
If there are tickets remaining.

Speaker 7 (01:21:09):
You're talking seven and nine forty five tonight and seven
and nine forty five tomorrow night. Yes, And I'll tell
you what if you've never seen a Robert Kelly show,
Let's say that you've seen him some years ago, and
then you go see him tonight or tomorrow night, and
you'll see him and not only will he cut a
completely different figure for you, casting very different shadow than

(01:21:32):
you used to. You'll be looking and listening at a
man who is face death, face death, save the lemon
loaf from an unfortunate incident. Professional pook cutter, Professional pook cutter.

Speaker 1 (01:21:45):
You know they literally make poop knives now right.

Speaker 7 (01:21:48):
You don't have to bend the wire hangers like Joan
Crawford anymore, you can just go by the poop Knight.

Speaker 1 (01:21:53):
Here's a problem with that. Yeah you're not strong enough. No, yes,
but no you have to clean that and then keep
it my coat hangers. I don't what if What if
I accidentally have my mother over and I go up,
I may toast. You know how much I love butter.

(01:22:14):
This knife is awesome. This butter is terrible. It spreads
the butter in one swoof.

Speaker 11 (01:22:19):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:22:20):
Yeah, I don't want to. I don't want to have to.
You also don't want to be cleaning it off like
your blade, like to them like dead bole, licking the
blood off, and yeah, make some quips. Yeah yeah, I
don't want the professional pooh knife. I think that's too much.
So the coat hangers are good for me.

Speaker 7 (01:22:38):
Okay, Well, I didn't want to get into this, and
I certainly don't want to call anybody out, But as
an avowed environmentalist myself, I have been on a crusade
for a long time, and I must take you to
task here. Yes, I have been on a personal crusade
try to get people to cut down on single use
poophangers for many many years. Listen, and I'm personally offended

(01:22:59):
by this. You're one and done with these poophangers. I
don't use straws. They're choking turtles noses to compensate for
my footprint. All right, yeah, your metal hangar poop footprint.

Speaker 1 (01:23:13):
First of all, metal hangers are better for the environment, probably, yes,
because people make boats of them. Yes, And they come
here from other countries. With my coat hangers that float
over to the country. They're stripping Bobby Kelly's house for
scrap metal. Hey, you want any of this stinky metal?
What is this? It's a pile of silver and brown wires.

(01:23:36):
I don't know what these are, but tell you what
I wish I could poop like my kid man. Yeah, Oh,
mine's like ribbon candy.

Speaker 7 (01:23:45):
Isn't it amazing the things as you get older that
you're wistful for. You're like, oh, I used to be
it was like a fire hose, and now it's like,
I just wait until it's done, and then you.

Speaker 1 (01:23:53):
Know what, what am I dying? Because that dude, I
have to like maneuver things down there to pee in
the morning. Now, like my my first pee takes forever.

Speaker 7 (01:24:08):
But you're not getting up in the middle of the night.
That's when you're like starting to worry about that. I say,
I'm very regular with everything. I pooped thrice daily.

Speaker 1 (01:24:15):
Thrice three times I do.

Speaker 7 (01:24:17):
I'm so glad in the morning, first thing in the morning,
a pre show, and then at night I do once.

Speaker 5 (01:24:27):
Good for you.

Speaker 1 (01:24:28):
Some people let some people go once a week, so
that's good. Mine's once a day. And it's just atomic, yeah,
atomic like when and like yesterday I had to I
had to like find a place. Yeah. I actually was
in a dunkin Donuts. Listen to me. Yeah, I walked in.
I had to run it. I was like, can I

(01:24:49):
here's your bathroom, He goes, if you want to. I
was like showing up, was like is that okay? Like
it was a I was like, America runs on duncan
that's what he's talking. I walked into this. I walked
into this. I had to become a cleaning lady. Like
I had to like figure out how to make soap. Yeah,

(01:25:10):
to clean and like I had to spend and I
was like, it's happening. There was no they got so
many horse fat back in the dungsters, so I can
make some soap. There was no lock on the door. Yeah,
so the door is just kind of open, and I'm washing.

Speaker 5 (01:25:29):
Your foot against it while away.

Speaker 1 (01:25:33):
I had to be on my tippy toes like I'm
on a you know, like a defensive line. I just
hunted the ball. So I'm sitting and doing my thing
and people were coming up. No, no, no, no, no no.

Speaker 9 (01:25:42):
Somebody said, you intentionally being you know, you want to
be kind of quiet in a publicushroom. This time you're
being intentionally allowed to let people know, like I'm in here. Yeah, yeah,
like your toes pilots had due. Dude, it was that's
exactly what it sounds like. Yeah right, yeah, it sounds

(01:26:03):
like a sounds like.

Speaker 1 (01:26:04):
A drunk girl puke it. But it was. It was
so bad, But I got it when I gotta go, dude, yeah,
I gotta go. But it's once a day. My wife
holds it in once the lawn sequence has started. You
got to find a receptacle. My wife is once a week.

Speaker 5 (01:26:20):
Wow, that's not good.

Speaker 1 (01:26:22):
It's not good.

Speaker 7 (01:26:23):
Yeah, I don't even know if thrice daily is good.
That could not be good, but once a week it's
definitely not. Christ daily is pretty much like when you're
drinking salads. It's gonna I can set my watch by it.

Speaker 1 (01:26:33):
That's all I really. I mean, I think that's good.
You're clean, you cleaned out. There's nothing better than cleaning
yourself out. I mean they're probably rapid pellets too, are they. No?

Speaker 5 (01:26:43):
No, No, they're fluffy coils.

Speaker 1 (01:26:45):
Fluffy coil, yeah, fluffy coil. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:26:48):
I would be worried if they were like deer pellets
or something.

Speaker 1 (01:26:50):
Oh god, I want a fluffy coil. Yeah. And it
floats too, doesn't it float like a muffin top.

Speaker 5 (01:26:56):
That's why they call me lemon lower you for that
in high school. But now I'm there.

Speaker 1 (01:27:03):
The title the things you desire later in life is
a nice fifth function and to be able to pee
in a respectable amount of time.

Speaker 7 (01:27:13):
I'm waiting for the pee problems to start, but so
far it's all good.

Speaker 1 (01:27:17):
Yeah. Mine is like a song that's never ending. Yeah.
It's like you're like a dog on a walk.

Speaker 7 (01:27:27):
It stops every thirty seconds. You're not marking any territors,
You're marking the same territory.

Speaker 1 (01:27:32):
And then there's a couple little dribbles at the end
that I have to just take the hit on, and
you're standing the whole time.

Speaker 7 (01:27:39):
I'm standing because a lot of guys when they get
to that point, they'll sit, they'll start to sit.

Speaker 1 (01:27:44):
I can't sit because as I got older, my hang
has left. Okay, I have no hang. Yeah, but my
can I say testicles, Yes, your balls, my twig and berries,
your meats and cheeses. That's all I got me addicted. Yes,

(01:28:08):
my brijutto hangs big. Yeah. And one morning I sat
to pee and it was facing down, hit my bowls
and it was like a little pocket. It kind of
swooped and came back up. It was crazy. Yeah, it
was crazy. It came back like a fountain. Yeah, Like

(01:28:28):
I made my own little fountain and it shot back
up and shot on the shower glass and then I
had a clean And then you yelled to your son,
who's tiny.

Speaker 6 (01:28:36):
Now, if you ever get the feeling that he doesn't love.

Speaker 1 (01:28:44):
You, don't you love me too?

Speaker 4 (01:28:47):
Feel again?

Speaker 8 (01:28:48):
Alan Cox on one hundred point seven double mm.

Speaker 7 (01:28:58):
Guardians play tonight so the Verse and three tonight tomorrow
Sunday in the Saint Louis last road series of the
season against the Cardinals. They can clinch the division tomorrow.
This is the way this baseball math works out. If
they win today and tomorrow against the Cardinals, and if
the Royals lose again San Francisco or blah blah blah,

(01:29:24):
we're going to find out by Monday whether or not
the Guardians grabbed the al Central. But tonight that first
pitch live from Saint Louis.

Speaker 1 (01:29:32):
Eight point fifteen at your FM home for Cleveland Guardields Baseball.
What hundred points of it? Bubble?

Speaker 5 (01:29:39):
You have a buzzard?

Speaker 7 (01:29:41):
Hey, Robert Kelly is here, And not to put too
fine a point on it, but he's a singer, he's
a dancer, he's a racon tour and well, frankly he's
a singer again because he's just that good. And if
you ever see him climbing out of a subway platform
or something trying to get up off the tracks, you'll
know that he's had a pretty good day because it

(01:30:02):
hasn't happened yet you've had to be hoisted from the
third rail. But he's doing four shows at Hilarities this
weekend with young Bill Squire, who's.

Speaker 5 (01:30:12):
Hosting these shows.

Speaker 7 (01:30:13):
I don't all right, then focus on Bobby Kelly and
Bill Squire.

Speaker 5 (01:30:18):
We can find out. I'm sure it's fine, and who cares?

Speaker 7 (01:30:21):
Seven thirty and nine, sorry, seven and nine forty five
tonight and tomorrow night, and then Sunday he leaves town
and goes.

Speaker 1 (01:30:31):
Where I go home. Home, I go.

Speaker 7 (01:30:35):
He'll just jet out for the weekends now and go
home in between Fridays and Saturday nights.

Speaker 1 (01:30:38):
I gotta go home because I gotta do the bonfire. Right,
serious ExM faction talk. Are you doing that from home?
Or you going to midtown going to the studio? Yeah, okay, yeah,
I drive in from I just moved to into a really,
oh my god, nice town. I moved where Ryan Reynold lives.
Are you running into them at the Farmer's market. I'm trying, yeah,

(01:31:00):
trying to get a schedule, Okay, I really do want
to if you're reaching for the same A bunch of
Swiss chart or something at Chico's, a little meat cute. Oh,
I'm so dude, he's over they jam. Everybody lives up there, dude,
Martha Stewart, jazz paumcdery Right, I mean everybody.

Speaker 5 (01:31:18):
Edie Falco lives up there the Hudson Valley.

Speaker 1 (01:31:21):
Where are you? It's up it's up in Katona bedroom.
I mean, my neighborhood is not that we're a little
further away than them. I live on a cul de sac,
you're less central to the doing real good though. I
love a culed a sack is my I've always wanted
to live on a cul de sack. I've always wanted

(01:31:42):
to come down. I want no through traffic, No through traffic,
little cul de sac, little circle. Kids can go play
baseball in the circles. Yes, we're gonna We're going to
actually have a block party. That's exciting. Treating is gonna
be fun. Trick or treating is big.

Speaker 8 (01:32:01):
Now.

Speaker 7 (01:32:01):
I bet everybody else in your situation, yes, they could
rest their laurels on being a prominent guy. But I
betting your cul de Sac community. Just a regular dude.
You're one of the other dads. You're hanging out with Frank,
You're smoking a cigar with Jerry.

Speaker 1 (01:32:17):
Jerry. It right, You're just Bobby from the cul de Sac.
How did you do my neighbor's names? What's going on?

Speaker 7 (01:32:24):
I own binoculars too, thank you very much. All right,
drones can do amazing thing.

Speaker 1 (01:32:28):
Well, here's the thing is that the people that own
my house before they didn't really care. But my neighbors
to the left and my neighbors to the right. Like
when you move up into the suburbs, grass is a
big thing. Oh yeah, grass is a big thing out there.
With a tape measure in the property line, buddy, they
have you can tell where the property line is because

(01:32:49):
of their grass. Their grass is like a golf course,
and my grass is like a park in the ghetto.
Is like not like a golf course. It's not the
guy that was there before me. I didn't care about
any of this grass stuff. And now I gotta step
my grass game up. I became a lawn guy, dude, because.

Speaker 7 (01:33:08):
And I would have been the last person to ever
think this. The first few years we lived in our
house that we're in now, I had a couple of
neighborhood kids cutting the grass.

Speaker 1 (01:33:16):
I didn't care.

Speaker 7 (01:33:17):
And I go, you know what, I don't like the
job they're doing. I'll do it myself, right, So I
get myself one of these EV mowers or whatever. And
I've got a pretty sizable front lawn, but the back
lawn is even bigger, not big enough where i'd need
a rider. But I'm doing it myself, but in my
garage now because we're getting into fall here and I

(01:33:37):
have to airrate, I have to reseed, I have to
overseed to prepare for spring.

Speaker 1 (01:33:41):
So I got to lay down some pete moss.

Speaker 7 (01:33:43):
I got two twenty five pound bags of Kentucky bluegrass
and some fescue. If this is what I'm talking about,
I'm getting excited. I'm on like lawn care subreddits. I'm like,
what is happening to me? Because in my heart of hearts,
I really don't care that much about it. But then
I'm like, well, if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna

(01:34:04):
do it.

Speaker 1 (01:34:04):
Buddy. Let me tell you something. Grass in your fifties
is like double penetration porn in your twenties. It's exciting.

Speaker 7 (01:34:13):
Yeah, how do you think I errate my lawn? It's
still double penetration, buddy.

Speaker 1 (01:34:21):
I'm telling you, I am on the same boat you're
talking about. You're talking about Kentucky bluegrass? Yeah you Oh
my gods, I'm gonna jump over this table.

Speaker 15 (01:34:30):
Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:34:32):
Do you know what zone you're in? Do you know
what zone you're in?

Speaker 4 (01:34:35):
No?

Speaker 1 (01:34:35):
What do you mean zones? Do you have a cool you?

Speaker 5 (01:34:37):
See? You and I have cool season grasses?

Speaker 1 (01:34:39):
Oh my god.

Speaker 7 (01:34:40):
Farther south, you got warm season grasses, and those are
very different. Right, your bermudas which you can cut way
down like a golf course.

Speaker 5 (01:34:48):
See I cut mine.

Speaker 7 (01:34:49):
My decks said it a four usually right, So cool
season grasses. It's a whole thing there, say fisk you again,
rescue not the guy that played Daniel Boone one hundred
years ago. Fescue seasonal grasses. This is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:35:03):
Grass is a thing to me right now, I'm so
into it. I want one of those machines that puck
puts the holes. What's the thing that you it? It
goes over It doesn't mow it, It just puts holes.
The aerator this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 7 (01:35:18):
You errate it because it gets the plugs and then
you overseed. There's something called do you have to defch
which as you get you know when you brush you
have a dog.

Speaker 1 (01:35:27):
I do have a dog.

Speaker 7 (01:35:28):
Okay, when you brush the dog and you get that undercoat,
you're supposed to do that with your lawn. I didn't
consuming you air rate, you de thatch. You get that
underneath so that you can overseed for the spring.

Speaker 1 (01:35:39):
Oh my god, you're turning me on right now.

Speaker 5 (01:35:41):
This is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 (01:35:42):
I want to. I want to turn myself on and
I only want to hear about it. I want you
to de thatch my lawn. You come over.

Speaker 5 (01:35:47):
No, I certainly will.

Speaker 7 (01:35:49):
Yes, we'll compare lip bombs and we'll talk about lawns.

Speaker 1 (01:35:52):
Or I'm just gonna hire somebody to do this.

Speaker 7 (01:35:54):
You should do it. Yeah, because a buddy of mine
was like, oh.

Speaker 1 (01:35:57):
You should.

Speaker 7 (01:35:58):
You can rent an errator from home depot. I'm like,
I don't have a pickup truck. I'm not going to
put some piece of machinery. I do have a pickup truck.

Speaker 4 (01:36:03):
There you go.

Speaker 1 (01:36:04):
I do have a pickup You get a pick up
truck just for my life. I have a pickup truck.
I have a little house up in the Hampshire. I
got a tiny house in Hampshire that we go to,
uh in the summer and uh you summer in Nashua,
don't you know, because that's kind of the ghetto. Well,
it's the first New Hampshire town that comes to mind. Yeah,

(01:36:24):
that I go to woods ghettos. Yes, I like to.
I like the vacation with meth heads and racist. Nobody
will ever find me there. No, we're up in the
White Mountains. We're up in the white man who's a racist?
The White Mountains. We're up in the Lake region, Lake
winnipesauke Squam Lake. What about Bobina. That's exactly where I

(01:36:47):
have a little house up there. We have a little
little piece of that. We have some acreage. Good for you,
you know, the lake. So we go up there for
July and August. We go up there and we we we.

Speaker 7 (01:36:59):
And I'm making it any more land, right, that's what
they tell you. They're not making any more land. So
if you can get yourself a piece or two or three?

Speaker 1 (01:37:06):
Are we doing sayings right now?

Speaker 8 (01:37:08):
Yes?

Speaker 11 (01:37:08):
See?

Speaker 1 (01:37:08):
Oh no, wheel squeaks the loudis. I don't know if
you heard that. That broken clock is right twice a day.
I want you dance well brought you. Yes, if you're
looking through yesterday and looking to tomorrow, you peeing all
over today, that's what I say. We'll get a pen.
I didn't. I still say.

Speaker 7 (01:37:29):
You got to dance with a girl who brung you,
like at least once a week, completely context free. That's
all right. Well the guy, Yeah, I didn't think. I
didn't think I'd be a lawn guy. But here I am.

Speaker 1 (01:37:40):
I don't know what happens to you, man. But all
the cliches, all the stuff that I say this, everything
old people tell you as a young person is true.
Listen to them. Everything old people used to tell me
is true. Don't get a credit card, uh you know,
don't you know, don't get a data girl with a headshot,
all that stuff.

Speaker 11 (01:37:59):
Yeah you know.

Speaker 7 (01:38:00):
I mean, well, you can't go too far back because
you know, the things that your grandparents told you might
not necessary. You can't trust a Filipino, you know what.
I'm going to cast that one off to the side,
Pap Pap. I wouldn't just yet. Joe cooy in here,
but yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:38:14):
Right, next time he gets here, I'll tell him to
put that one in his back pocket. Yeah that's true.
You really can't. But there's a certain limit. Maybe this
the eighties. Yeah, old people are right.

Speaker 5 (01:38:26):
The folksy stuff you can trust.

Speaker 1 (01:38:27):
Yeah, the twenties maybe not. No, I wouldn't know that
far back you can go.

Speaker 9 (01:38:32):
You can trust a boomer, you can't trust the like
the greatest generation.

Speaker 1 (01:38:38):
We used to cut their ears off. I have a
belt in the closet. I miss that. I miss men
like that. We're not making those guys anymore those men men,
you know, because now like back in the day, like
if you looked at a guy's face, you could tell
what type of duty was. Yeah, you know, like you
see guys in the crowd. Now it's like dude, navy seal. No,

(01:39:00):
I make my own soap. Yeah, well whatever.

Speaker 7 (01:39:05):
I don't know if you've heard, but there's something called
toxic masculinity, and we're trying to avoid it, thank you
very much.

Speaker 1 (01:39:11):
I'm trying to lean into it, right yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:39:12):
Yeah, right, yes, you see, you're getting in on the
ground floor because there's always that full circle backlash thing have.
So many people are trying to avoid it. You're going
to be first in when the return of toxic masculinity.

Speaker 1 (01:39:23):
Well, we used to see a guy with the tattoo
back of the day. He killed people. Now I have tattoos.
Yeah you know what I mean. I see I don't
have any. You have nothing.

Speaker 7 (01:39:33):
I said, if I wait long enough, I will be
more unique than everyone else.

Speaker 5 (01:39:38):
You'll be clean who has tattoos? You'll be clean because
I'm raw, baby, I don't have.

Speaker 1 (01:39:42):
Now.

Speaker 7 (01:39:42):
Here's the other thing though, over the past year or so,
and my thought was always I could never conceive of
anything that I cared about so deeply that was going
to put it on my body.

Speaker 1 (01:39:52):
It was as simple as that. Had nothing to do
with time, money, pain, anything like that. I was like,
what the hell am I going to put it?

Speaker 7 (01:39:57):
All of the past year and a half though, I've
been obsessed with thinking about getting tattoos. But I also
don't want to be that guy we're all at once. Yeah,
I'm like the Illustrated Man or something like that, like
the freaking Yakuza.

Speaker 5 (01:40:12):
You know, I don't want to be that Kentucky.

Speaker 1 (01:40:13):
Bluegrass tattoo that's yeah.

Speaker 3 (01:40:15):
There you go.

Speaker 1 (01:40:15):
You used to get tattoos of grass stuff.

Speaker 7 (01:40:18):
But yeah, the UPC code for a bag of fescue,
I'll get that.

Speaker 1 (01:40:22):
Just get fescue written down your arm. And people like,
what's that is that you go tattoos Kentucky bluegrass? Is
that your favorite kind of music? It's my favorite kind
of grass, seeded grass.

Speaker 7 (01:40:35):
Because I thought, well, kid's birthdays, i'd get the flag
of Chicago or something like that.

Speaker 5 (01:40:39):
So that's mostly white.

Speaker 1 (01:40:40):
So that's not going to read I mean, but if
you if you're not, I have an addicted personality. Yeah,
so as I get older, I have to find addictions that.
Don't take me back to prison. Uh, don't make me
do drugs. Don't take away all the stuff that I
love now And you know, and food was wan and
sex and all that, so I can't do all the
the fun ones.

Speaker 7 (01:41:00):
You have any food tattoos you got, like a little
t bone or something.

Speaker 1 (01:41:03):
I was thinking of getting six fat because I had
that was how many fats I had in my left
had How many fats? I had six fats? You mean
phases of being fat? I was fat six times? Am
I When was the first time you got thin? When
was the end of your friend?

Speaker 7 (01:41:17):
Because you don't know you had You don't know that
you had a fat until you have a second fat.

Speaker 1 (01:41:22):
I know exactly when that was. That was my first
fat was in fifth grade. Yeah, my mom just got divorced.
We moved into a two bedroom. We had no money,
she was never home. I had no friends, and I
would literally take my mom made me the same lunch
every day, peanut but and jelly, too much jelly, white
bread and apple, and then she would write a note

(01:41:42):
on it, mommy loves you, which you think would sound sweet,
but it was passive aggressive. She was she wanted she
wanted other kids to read it and you know, make
fun of me. You know what I mean? Is that true?
Knowing my mother, it wasn't about love. It was about
busting my ball. She is okay, much to your chagrin, No,
I love my mom, But Irish Catholic from Boston saying

(01:42:04):
mothers are very Yeah, you don't leave a note in
the napkin. I couldn't even remember. I tell I traded
lunches one day and I forgot about the stupid napkin.
And then they're like yeah, And then I cried, and
I remember I got fat. I would take that lunch outside,
go to the basement, and I had a little corner
of the basement that I made that I would just

(01:42:28):
I would just stay there all day. I won't go
to school because I was so sad, and I bought snacks.
I would buy like Susie cues and Devil dogs and
all kinds of chips, and I would stay down there
and just eat all day. And I blew up like
a little Fatso I remember like the I skipped school
for two weeks. I was so scared of going. I
had no friends and I was so depressed. And then
back then you didn't know you were in a depression.

(01:42:49):
You didn't know what it was. You just wanted to
I just wanted to sleep all day, trying to fill
it with food too, trying to fill the food. I
remember I was running to get more snacks. My mom
got out early. I bumped into her cause I was
running head down. But she goes Bobby. I was like,
oh no, She's like, why are you out of school
so earlyer? I'm like half a day. She's like oh,
She's like, that's awesome. I got a half a day
work a nurse or she worked at a home depot.

(01:43:12):
She works and h She goes, you want to get
a steak and cheese and split it and go to
the store and we'll have I was like, yeah, I
was just going to get a double dog. She gave
me the money. I went and got a steak, cheese,
got chips. I came home and it between the time
that I left uh to get the steak and cheese
and I got home, my teacher had called. And you

(01:43:34):
know when you walk into the house and there's a
different vibe, Yeah, yeah, you hear. I got a crow
and the clouds came over and church and I just
remember her silhouette just pulled out into the hallway and
she was looking under her eyelids at me, and I
was like, oh no, and she started swearing and calling

(01:43:56):
me all kinds of you. You haven't been let's go
have you? I mean you, you son of a bit,
screaming yelling at me because I have an older sister,
and I just remember the whole time she's screaming at me,
I was thinking, like, this steak and cheese is getting cold, right,
and we don't have we don't microwaves back. I'm not

(01:44:16):
gonna eat this in the basement. You're gonna have to
put this in the oven and toasting. It's gonna suck.
The whole time I was like this, can you hurry
up with whatever you're yelling at because I want to
eat this man. But my my, my sixth grade teacher,
mister d mister DePersio, took me under his wing, and
he was a runner. He used to run marathons and
he got me in I remember in the we had

(01:44:37):
the sixth grade Olympics and he came up to me.
I was a little fatso and he came up to me.
He goes, Kelly, we had the four forty. Once around
the track, he goes, I want you to win, you
want to I want you to win this for me.
I want you to beat these other schools. Win. And
I was like, okay, and let me tell you some
little fat Bobby. I remember running and I was running
and this other kid fast, thin dude smoking, and I

(01:45:01):
was nose and nose, and I just remember, like a
Rocky movie, my little I felt my little boobs bouncing
and I, that's hot wind. And I ran and I won,
and I remember I threw up. I got to the
end that I threw my arms up, and then I
found cramps and he came out. You did it, Kelly,

(01:45:23):
you won. I got a little metal. And then I started.
I started running marathons with him. He dangled a cheese
stick at the finish line. Didn't but I started losing weight.
I started running marathons. I ran a marathon, ran a
five k or what a five whatever? I started running marathons. Dude.
I got into shape. It was amazing. And then and

(01:45:46):
then he left me. I went to seventh grade. I
never saw him again. Wow, I got fat again. Mister
de Percio, wherever you are, mister d And as soon
as he was in my teacher, I got sat again
and I again. You needed that inspiration I need never
got that runners high. I needed a father. I needed

(01:46:07):
just to figure a man, figured to just to tell
me I was okay and I wasn't a fat stupid idiot.

Speaker 7 (01:46:12):
Well, Bobby Kelly's last most recent fat is way behind him.

Speaker 5 (01:46:16):
It is, and he's he's thin.

Speaker 1 (01:46:19):
Well, okay, let's not. Let's not.

Speaker 5 (01:46:22):
That's not over selling. What was Alan talking about?

Speaker 11 (01:46:26):
He was?

Speaker 1 (01:46:28):
That's the name of my therapist, by the way. Oh well, hello,
I'm doing better. Yeah, yeah, I'm not. How about this.
I'm not as fast as fat as last time? Right?
Well maybe I was. It's they're all victories. Yes, they're
all victories, you've maintained. I am the last I had,
the last fat. I think it's over. I'm pretty sure

(01:46:49):
it's over. I've got to take a break, take a break.
Let's get a pizza. There's pizza in the kitchen. No,
what's wrong with you? Are you hearing me? Don't worry,
It's like us smoke.

Speaker 9 (01:47:01):
It's been here for a wild a bill shaped hole
in the door where I'm going to get pizza.

Speaker 7 (01:47:08):
Bobby Kelly and Bill Squire are at Hilarities this weekend
seven and nine forty five, Tonight seven and nine forty five,
Tomorrow night was it? Bobby Kelly Live, Just a Sad
Robert Robert Kelly Live, Robert Kelly Graham, A punch Up
Dot Live Slash, Robert Kelly's My Thing, my website, go there,
check me out.

Speaker 1 (01:47:26):
All right? I have nudes of all stages of my Fat,
Beautiful and all the skinnies, Yes, all variations. That'd be
a great calendar.

Speaker 7 (01:47:34):
Really would have you seen him in November? It's right
before thanksgivings.

Speaker 1 (01:47:38):
Call the Alan Cox Show. Thanks for turning behind and
then allowing me to spend this time with you. I
hope I can turn.

Speaker 8 (01:47:47):
You one two one six seven eight one double oh
seven or one three four eight one double o seven?

Speaker 5 (01:48:07):
Who do you listen to? What are your thoughts on?

Speaker 1 (01:48:08):
Sely Dan? I listened to anything. You know what I mean.
I'm not a I'm not a music like you know.

Speaker 7 (01:48:16):
One of those people is not into music. I love music.
I love it so much. Gregorian Chance sixteen, I'll listen
to it. I actually one summer my favorite thing was
the soundtrack to Conan O'Brien or the Barbarian, the Barbarian.
Oh yeah, okay, I rip James Earl Jones. I had
that tape and I listened to that tape. I think
it's classical music. I listened to it all summer. I

(01:48:37):
love it right now, war music.

Speaker 1 (01:48:39):
The song I'm listening to all the time when I
get into the car. Is this this song that I
don't know if you've ever heard moon Moonshine by Here
Moonshine by Young Guns, Silver Fox, Young Guns, Silver Fox Moonshine? Yep?

Speaker 7 (01:48:56):
Is it full of expltives? Nope, nope. It is close
to yacht rock. Oh I know, Young Guns Silver Fox. Yeah,
of course, dude.

Speaker 1 (01:49:07):
I when the sun's going down on the sawmill, Yeah,
River Parkway, head into the city. The one guy looks
like Edgar Winter in this vand me and my son
this is our favorite song. We listen to this, put
it on the windows down and I love it. Oh,

(01:49:29):
I love it. This is driving in the city. See
these guys driving in the city. The sun's going down,
traffic's going that way. I'm going that way, yes, yeah, right,
Maybe see a sail boat on the West Side Highway.
It's like Pablo Cruise, remember them. I don't know what
it is, but it makes me get tested.

Speaker 7 (01:49:47):
Sid It's gonna be Robert Kelly's walkout music Hilarity.

Speaker 1 (01:49:54):
Oh my walkout music is uh as a Metallica turned
the page a minute two in.

Speaker 5 (01:50:00):
Hey, there you go.

Speaker 1 (01:50:02):
That makes me you know, that's that thing where you
know I'm on the road. I'm on the road again. Yeah,
in Cleveland for two nights. I'm not bob seekers good,
I'm going home. I'm in a luxury hotel, right, but still,
you know, in an hour's worth of work, the family
is at home and you're out here, and yeah, I'm
out here having a blast.

Speaker 7 (01:50:18):
Robert Kelly and Bill Squire tonight and tomorrow night two
shows A piece seven and nine forty five. You go
to hilarities dot com for all the information and of course,
how could I possibly encapsulate the Robert Kelly empire. There's
the shows, there's the podcasts, there's the nude modeling.

Speaker 1 (01:50:36):
What what then in the pause? Uh? That is gone?

Speaker 4 (01:50:42):
Oh gone?

Speaker 7 (01:50:44):
Well what did I What was my monthly subscription for now?

Speaker 1 (01:50:47):
It was for that time of my life, but I
had to cancel that because when I lost the weight.
Now I look like a melted candle. It's a different
fetish community, isn't it. I still kept my fat, though,
which is disgusting. Good for you? Yeah, I mean that
little pocket's hard to get off me. Yeah.

Speaker 5 (01:51:06):
Listen, that's the last thing to go. Is always it's.

Speaker 1 (01:51:11):
The last fat to get, No last fat to go.
Let me take something. Man, it's stubborn. I've thought, I've
I've literally pinched it to where I was going to
pull it off.

Speaker 4 (01:51:20):
Yeah.

Speaker 7 (01:51:20):
Yeah, it's like a big old skin tag. Oh I like,
get out of here. Oh I've done that.

Speaker 9 (01:51:25):
Have you see the trailer for the new the Donald
Trump movie where where he's played by the Apprentice? No, okay,
so in the in the trailer they show like him
getting liposuction, and like, as soon as you said, I
was like, oh maybe that's where I get my liposuction.

Speaker 1 (01:51:39):
Is just a little prick. I just can't wait till
they you know, Like technology is so fast, Like the
phone is nuts. The fact that you can go to
like a CVS and buy a drone for forty dollars,
I mean, think of that's crazy. I just can't wait
to go to CVS and buy a home LiPo kite
where I can just go home, stick it in my

(01:52:01):
bush fat and throw it in the trash, feed it
to ducks.

Speaker 7 (01:52:06):
Use it to make soap. The next time you're at
the dunkin Donut you'll have it with you. Or I
can make art that'd be good, bush fat art, bush
fat art.

Speaker 1 (01:52:14):
I just throw it on a campus. See what happened.

Speaker 7 (01:52:16):
It sounds like an old blues singer bush fat art.
So when you had you we talked about this earlier.
When you know the gastric sleeve, Yes, are you left
with skin you got to contend with I was lucky
you weren't like eight hundred pounds obviously, No, those three
sixty three sixty Is that big enough to have to

(01:52:37):
contend with that?

Speaker 1 (01:52:38):
When you have well, what you got to do? And
I was lucky. Some of it's genetics. I really don't
have any really saggy skin. That's I joke. I do
have the bush fat, ok, but it's plump two pairs. Yeah,
you want to keep that?

Speaker 5 (01:52:53):
Really?

Speaker 1 (01:52:54):
I mean I could I pinch it when I get nervous,
when I fly, I pinch it and I say this
serenity prayer. I was lucky. But what you have to do.
When you're gonna lose weight, you have to lift weights.
When you're after forty five, you have to lift weights.
I'm not talking you know, clanging bang like the rock.
You gotta lift weight. It's the only thing that burns

(01:53:16):
fat and builds muscle is lifting.

Speaker 5 (01:53:20):
And it can be ten times.

Speaker 1 (01:53:22):
That's it. I lift weights four times a week. And
as soon as I could pick up a dumbell, I
picked up a dumbbell and I started lifting, which you know,
I didn't have any of the I didn't want the
saggy arms, the old I didn't want the saggy boobs
and all that stuff. And so I just started lifting weights.
And that was the key to not to like replacing.

(01:53:43):
What happens, though, is that you're losing weight, but you're
gaining muscle, so you kind of really go down. But
you are looking slimmer, You're looking you look a little slimmer,
but your weight you look you can't look at the scale.
I don't get on a scale anymore. I don't care.
As long as i'm healthy, I'm good. I'm not trying
to be you know Brad Pitt and fight well.

Speaker 7 (01:54:00):
The interesting thing thing, though, is too is that when
you get into a I've at least found for myself.

Speaker 1 (01:54:04):
When you get into a regimen like that.

Speaker 7 (01:54:06):
If you're you notice little changes, any variations, you immediately
feel it or know it or something, whether it's a
diet or your exercise routine. If you're off like a
day or two, at least for me, I'm like, I
know something's weird. I know I haven't.

Speaker 1 (01:54:21):
You know. It's like you're constantly recalibrating in your head.
You feel it. If I don't work off for a
couple of days, yeah, I get, I get angry, I
get I start to you know, as soon as I
work out, it all goes. I feel fantastic. I got
a sauna too. I got a saw a big nice
part of my life. I saw it because I was
going to sauna's, like you know, the Russian bathhouse and I.

Speaker 5 (01:54:44):
That was for a different reason. I mean, meet nice gentlemen.

Speaker 7 (01:54:49):
I'm not trying to hide my bush fed under a
bushel basket, all right. I want to show that. I
want to show these two pairs off.

Speaker 1 (01:54:55):
I to stop going dude, because I have a hard
time saying no, really do Like, I don't how to
say no.

Speaker 5 (01:55:03):
I don't want to do that.

Speaker 1 (01:55:04):
Last time I was at a sauna my friend. I
was a couple of guys. They left to go in
the whatever, the pool, the ice bath. They came back
and there was just this just this Asian guy just
sitting there. I was bent over and he was fanning
me with a towel. He was teaching me how to

(01:55:25):
do the sauna right. He was like, you pick your
feet up, and I was like, huh, picked feet up?
So I just picked my I just whatever he told
me to do, I just did. I don't know how
to say no, so I don't want to be impolite,
so I was. Then he goes bend over and I
was like, okay, so I'm bent over and this guy's
just fanning me with a towel. And my friends came

(01:55:46):
in like yo, bro, what are you doing to our friend?
And I was like, this is the way you do
a sauna. I had no ill intent. He was trying
to help out. He had no ill tent. But then
another guy came anyways.

Speaker 5 (01:55:58):
Showed him your wet feet.

Speaker 1 (01:55:59):
It was all well. I went out to get a
massage and the guy was like, take the Russian guy,
take the first of all this Russian guy that gave
him the sage. I saw him fixing the pipes early.
He was in the back. Now he's like, take take
towel it off, and I'm like, we're in the open room.
There's other men, and I have a grower, not a shower,
you know what I mean. So he's like, take it off,

(01:56:21):
and I was like, I just I don't know how
to say no, And I just took my towel off,
and then he threw me the smallest face face cloth
to put over my stamenk. So I'm just lying there
with his little baby facecloth and he starts hit me
with leaves and it kept falling off, and I'm just
like rearranging like a little napkin on my little little

(01:56:42):
tiny bush. I'm just holding it there as he's and
people are walking by, and I'm just like so embarrassed.
I just should have said no, I'm not doing that.

Speaker 7 (01:56:53):
But wasn't that part of the I think of it
less as trying to not be impolite and more than
like that's part of the whole his ritual, his routine. Yes,
and you were trying to get the best that he's
like to go. Yeah, putting up over the bush.

Speaker 1 (01:57:06):
Yeah. But the end part when he made me have
sex with him, Oh, well that's extra you. I had
to help him fix the pipes. That part I call
the value added value. But I actually got a sauna
from my house and now I sauna. Oh very nice.
I love I work out. I sauna. No Russian sonomy,
no Russian, no extra labor. But yeah, it's uh. But

(01:57:29):
here's the thing is that I'm doing all this, all
of it. So I got my life together at fifty
and I'm in shape, I'm working out, I'm snoring. I
feel great. And then right then my wife hit menopause,
so her vagina died. Yeah, so it's uh, her hormones
are just we should go on all over the place.

(01:57:49):
She doesn't know what's happening. She's you know, you can
I can see her get hot. Yeah. Like I was
in the room and I saw her chest turn red
and it went up her neck, and I was like,
is it happening. She's like, it's happening, And I was like,
what does it feel like? She goes, it comes up
through my spine and goes into my chest and then

(01:58:11):
into my head, and then I want to rip your
trick her out with my bare hands. Yeah, slowly back
out of the road. So you're like, all right, this
is not the time to bring up amory. I know, honey,
let's spice it up. Well, they have these places, these
parks where all these old guys go to like play
with each other. And I never understood that until now.

(01:58:34):
Just sit there playing chess if you want to say,
playing chess, playing with each other. Well, you have one
of these things near my house, the parks, they're called
their cruising spots, Like oh oh yeah, and I forget.
I went up with the dog last week and the
new neighborhood we just moved and we got this brand
new neighborhood, brand new house, and I'm walking the dog
and I'm in this I found these trails and it's like,

(01:58:56):
you know, six thirty in the morning, I'm walking these
trails and it's just a bunch of old guys walking out.
But I'm like, mister, hey, how you doing. I'm bob,
I just moved here. Didn't know is auditioning. I was
gonna say, they're sizing you up, like you're back in
the brambles or something. And there's a guy coming out
with a hat, mirrorglasses, and a punisher shirt. I'm pretty
sure he's not. Pretty sure he's not in the woods

(01:59:16):
because he loves nature. Maybe he's a birder. He's out there.
Is that what they call it? Yeah? That binoculars? Small?
Is that if something was hiding in the bush he
heard I'm a birder and that's a worm.

Speaker 7 (01:59:31):
But I mean, this is the way you ingratiate yourself
to your new community.

Speaker 1 (01:59:34):
I just understand it now. Like it's like these guys
are like they get nothing at home. Yeah, they work
their whole lives. Yeah, I just go meet Frank, right, Frank,
I'll see at five thirty. That's how they develop hobbies
and things like that. Yeah, so postmenopausal, I'm just trying
to find where's the cruising spots in Cleveland? Not far.
I mean, I don't know, I don't know. I don't know.

(01:59:59):
I don't know. Oh, that's so great. Men have spots
that they had to go. It's like, dude, we're going
to take out this park at eight thirty every night.

Speaker 9 (02:00:08):
Well, yeah, if you had like no people that talk
about like how it's they liked that dangerous aspect of
being gay in the like eighties where you you'd go
there and you meet someone and you bang in a
rest stop and it was like the best and it
was hot and dirty. And then they're like, it's just

(02:00:28):
so easy.

Speaker 1 (02:00:31):
It's not there's not excitement to it. Grinder, there's a
guy is not having the fear of being beaten up
by cops or a biker gang or you know a
couple of guys going what are you two doing?

Speaker 5 (02:00:43):
You know, and people are just like, oh, good for you.

Speaker 7 (02:00:46):
Or like when you open the door in an uber
and you're like, Frank, you know, same thing with Grinder.
You're like looking at the guy's picture, You're sticking your.

Speaker 1 (02:00:52):
Head under the stall. Jimmy, is that you?

Speaker 5 (02:00:57):
I'm here one o'clock.

Speaker 1 (02:00:58):
They took all the fun out of middle aged gay sex.
The danger was part of it. I remember me and
Patrice one side. We were in front of my house.
We lived on forty seventh between ninth and tenth, and
across the street was a gay club, yeah, which I loved.
Were living in Times Square, yeah, right outside of Time Yeah.

(02:01:18):
It was a gay club right across the street, which
I loved. I loved the if that was a regular nightclub.
It would have been noisy and loud, and you know,
chicks screaming and puke and Frankie and screw your Gina
and all that stuff.

Speaker 5 (02:01:33):
Gay club quiet.

Speaker 1 (02:01:35):
The door opened once in a while, you're hearing you
spin me right around right then it shut and it
was over.

Speaker 5 (02:01:41):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:01:42):
But one night we pulled up with Talk and he
drove me home and in the there was a car
in front of us and the windows were all steamed
up and it was rocking, and I was like, oh man,
all of a sudden, this old guy just kind of shirtless,
looked up and looked around, and this other beautiful little
Dutch boy came out up after him and like and

(02:02:04):
then we called the cops, and we felt so you
called the cops on the two dudes were trying to
be funny and it sucked. We felt so bad the
cops came up. We just wanted to see the cops
pull up. We wanted to see some knock on the window,
some New York Italian cop pull up, knock on the window.
And it was exactly what we wanted. He came up,
knocked in the window. Anyway, he just did an above

(02:02:26):
face and just went back to I guess.

Speaker 5 (02:02:31):
He didn't even say move along. It was like whoa,
he didn't want to get involved.

Speaker 1 (02:02:35):
But then the little kid got not the kid, the
young guy got out and he was like and I
saw the sad look on the this this old guy
finally got a real hot piece of butt, and we
ruined it. And we almost we were gonna say sorry
to him. Should we? Maybe we should go out of
the hand drop or kids out there just tricking and

(02:02:55):
you guys ruined for we sucked. I still feel bad
about that. That can't pay rent now. I still feel
bad about it. Patrice is dead. Maybe that's why God
took him. Cast dispersions on the Dutch like that. I know,
I mean being being Yeah, being gay now is not

(02:03:18):
as exciting as it was back in the day. I mean,
I'll take your word for it is.

Speaker 7 (02:03:24):
You know, I got a text from a listener who
said that they are your neighbor.

Speaker 1 (02:03:27):
They live in Alton Bay, so near you. Alton Bay.
Oh yes, it is in New Hampshire. You're talking about
my second home. So you have so many sorry having
three pieces of land. I'm a landowner. Yeah, Alton Bay.
Alton Bay is down on. I'm on squam Lake, which
is a little better. Squamla is a little you know. Yeah,

(02:03:50):
Alton almost bought a house on Alton Bay. Alton Bay
is the nice part of Winnipesaukee, really nice. That's Matt.
I have him on He's on our map there. He's
living in Alton Bay. Yeahlton Bay is neighbor nice, nice
little little part of lake went up asak.

Speaker 7 (02:04:06):
So I have a listener in soon Apee. Do you
know where soon Ape is? Soon Ape It's near the
bush fat listener in Dover, New Hampshire.

Speaker 1 (02:04:15):
That's what I that's what my nickname is in the morning,
Soon to pe. How gonna be back in a half
an hour. I'm gonna go have a pish all right soon? Yes?
What is the other one? Somebody in Dover, New hampsh
that's a little down a little bit. Yeah. New Hampshire
is the best, dude, it's the best. I love this.

Speaker 7 (02:04:35):
I think I've ever been to New Sarah's from there,
right so wait, Sarah Subverermon was on the other end.

Speaker 1 (02:04:39):
Yeah, she's from How long is that? That's how long
does it take you to get up there?

Speaker 13 (02:04:42):
From?

Speaker 1 (02:04:42):
Four and a half hours? No, it's great, I mean
but when you get there, dude, it's just the people
say hi. Everybody waves, people hold the door. And then
you go back to New York and it's show you.
If you wave at somebody in New York, you're gonna
get killed. Like if somebody waves like hi, it's like
what do you want? But you wave up there, it's
so nice. I lived two different lives. Your lemon loaf, Dude,

(02:05:05):
I go up there. I turned into a redneck quick. Oh,
I got jelly roll on. I'm driving my truck. I'm
fishing every day. I gotta, I gotta. I got an
American flag hat. Everything has a fish hook on it. Dude,
I fish. I'm a fly. I'm a I'm a fly fish.
You a fly fish for a while, though, Dude, I'm

(02:05:25):
a I'm a angler shooting guns.

Speaker 8 (02:05:27):
Now.

Speaker 7 (02:05:28):
You got that decal of Biden tied up in your flat, I've.

Speaker 1 (02:05:32):
Seen that though. Me and my son play the Trump
game up there where. Every time you see a Trump sign,
you go Trump. It's twelve thousand to nine thousand.

Speaker 7 (02:05:42):
It's gonna say, don't make that a drinking game. You've
got hammered behind the wheel.

Speaker 1 (02:05:46):
But it's funny because when you go into the little towns. Uh,
you know on the lake, it's a lot of it
was Biden's. Yeah, they have the money. But as soon
as you go out just a little.

Speaker 7 (02:05:57):
Bit, Trump concentric circles get redder and.

Speaker 1 (02:05:59):
Red, and the Trump Trump people they want a big sign,
ye Biden, little sign, little thing on the lawn. Trump.
It's like, you know, it's the size of a billboard.
They watched it five Yeah, it's like seventy.

Speaker 7 (02:06:14):
I got people near me who didn't even update their signs,
so they're still rocking the Trump Pence signs. And I'm like, wow,
you so you liked the guy, but you didn't want
to spring for the extra fifteen bucks. I'm like, the
new guy's name is only a couple of letters away
at least.

Speaker 1 (02:06:29):
To see people put the just a va over it
over the pe.

Speaker 5 (02:06:33):
Yeah, it went from Pence to Vance.

Speaker 7 (02:06:36):
Squam Lake is where they filmed the movie on Golden Pond,
remember that one.

Speaker 1 (02:06:41):
And that they people don't know this is an island
in the show you they could drive to it, but
it's actually an island with a house on it, and
you can drive people. The people that bought the house
hate that movie. Oh, I'm sure everybody drives by and
waves and looked. It was so long ago. Does that

(02:07:02):
still happen? Wow? People know the movie? Yeah all?

Speaker 7 (02:07:06):
And I was born in Nashvilla. Most people forget it's
even a state, New Hampshire. That's what you want, you want, dude,
you don't want to tell people. No, you don't want
to you. I don't want people to know they still
have lived fore or dieing like die. But here's what sucks.
They used to have a thing called the Old Man
on the Mountain was on their license plate. And when
you drive up through the White mountains, on the left

(02:07:26):
was a mountain and it looked like an old man,
just naturally. And then it fell off. So all these
people have this license plate with an old man that
used to be on this Yeah, to go, But like
you're surrounded by national forest up there right, you're I
have five hundred acres behind my house.

Speaker 1 (02:07:46):
Well this this summer, we hiked behind my house and
we actually hurt music. So he's just hiked. I want
to find it with us. It was like a band,
like a live band, and we actually it wasn't like
a log cabin of the way cooking up kids or anything.
They had a couple they have a couple of hunting
cabins from back in the day up there, which you're creepy.

(02:08:06):
Oh yeah. And we actually came up on this farm
and there was a Christian gathering.

Speaker 5 (02:08:13):
Like a worship music festival or something.

Speaker 1 (02:08:15):
This is me, my wife, my son, and a Berna
doodle and we came up and they just looked at
us and they're like hello. And this beautiful girl with
these these crazy blue eyes and hay hair walked up
welcome And I was like, hey, uh you know what
poky Pine Road is Porcupine Road. My son, my wife

(02:08:35):
was in the woods. She goes, they have vampires. I'm
not coming out of the woods. I'm like, it's not true,
bloody idiot, they have Christians. It's the if you ever
wanted to come out into a place, it's these people. Yeah.

Speaker 7 (02:08:49):
Well there is blood drinking in the lore ye at
night after the sun, yeah right, not during the day.

Speaker 1 (02:08:56):
That Yeah, it was pretty wild. I don't know, flower
crowns and stuff. No, no, no, no, it wasn't. It was Christians.
But it was like yeah, it was like I don't know,
it was good country Christians, you know, which which you know,
they were nice. They were really nice. They let us
walk through. They didn't try to keep us right, which

(02:09:17):
the summer religions would. They didn't try to you.

Speaker 5 (02:09:20):
Know, they didn't mind the trespassing as it were.

Speaker 1 (02:09:23):
No, they didn't mind the trespassing through their land.

Speaker 5 (02:09:28):
Welcome to our land.

Speaker 1 (02:09:29):
Yeah, so I love I love it. I love it
up there. They have you know, my little town has
the you know, like I told you the there's a
couple of gay bakeries. Yeah up, there's just awesome, Yeah awesome.
New Hampshire is the best. It's the Granite State. I
love it. And then I got to go back to
New York and be you know, Disco Bobby, City Bob,

(02:09:49):
which is two lives.

Speaker 5 (02:09:50):
It is a city Bob and country Bob.

Speaker 1 (02:09:52):
I have City Bob. I got a knife on me,
I got mace, I got a stun gun. Yep, I
got an attitude. And then you trade it all for
lesbian coupcakes. I'm the worst too. I assimilate quick too.
I am that's good though. That's smart. It's not being phony,
it's being you're bobbing and weaving. I don't know. We
went to the Saint San Gennaro's feast yesterday, and uh,
my wife is so annoyed. I'm half Italian. Is your

(02:10:15):
wife Italian? No, she's Polock, yeah, some type of English.
And then she's got an American Indian.

Speaker 7 (02:10:20):
My wife's like one hundred and ten percent Polish, so
it's all parogi's. Yeah, yeah, she's she's a mix of everything.
I wanted to Puerto Rican, but I got a Pollock
American Indian.

Speaker 1 (02:10:28):
Yeah, I got the chick on the butter and the
dumb one.

Speaker 7 (02:10:31):
It started with a P and then the continent's got
all real weird.

Speaker 1 (02:10:34):
And you but uh what I went there yesterday. She's
she got so mad at me because I just I assimilate. Dude,
I just turned into a full you know Italian. Yeah,
I was like, where's the sausage and peppers? He I
think that's autism.

Speaker 9 (02:10:50):
I think that's actually like you're just masking, like you
just did what they did.

Speaker 5 (02:10:55):
The worst time was you're hearing what they're doing.

Speaker 1 (02:10:59):
I didn't have a dad.

Speaker 5 (02:11:00):
That's how you ingratiate yourself with That's.

Speaker 1 (02:11:01):
Why I won the full forty. Yeah, I became an
athlete in the day. I Uh, well, we got married
in Maui right. And the second after we got married.
The day after we got married, we were going she
wanted to find the breakfast place from fifty first fifty
fift first Dates. Yeah, it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.
So we're driving around trying to find a breakfast place

(02:11:23):
that was in this movie that doesn't exist. So we're
at a gas station. It's the worst assimilating I ever did.
So I'm talking to this Hawaiian dude and she's in
the car. This is the day after we got married.
She was divorced me. I was like, all right, thanks, Brad, dude,
I did the hang loose side. So I'm sitting in

(02:11:44):
the car and we're driving away. She's just staring ragefully
out the window. I go what she goes, did you
just give the hang loose sign? And say, Brada, I
know what did I wanted him to hang loose? Honey,
I didn't even know I did it. Yeah, I'm such
a piece of garbage. Oh I'm a piece of garbage.
Maybe they appreciated it. No he didn't. No, he did

(02:12:07):
disgusting too.

Speaker 7 (02:12:08):
He and your wife were exchanging furtive glances.

Speaker 1 (02:12:11):
It's not it's not the fifties. Hey, brab Rada. Hello, Yeah,
like I'm Dog the Bounty Hunter Rada. Thanks Brada, I suck.

Speaker 6 (02:12:22):
Yellen Cardio podcast anytime on our guard radio app.

Speaker 1 (02:12:28):
What's a podcast like a TV show? Let's have the pictures.
Maybe that's called radio, but you're describing as radio and.

Speaker 6 (02:12:34):
Live on the radio weekday afternoons.

Speaker 7 (02:12:43):
You know, tomorrow night we will return with our metal show.
It's called two Hours to Midnight, airing immediately after the
Guardians game. They're in Saint Louis for the weekend to
play the Cardinals Versus, which is tonight eight fifteen is
your first pitch on the buzzard. And then tomorrow night
ten to midnight, nothing but two hours of metal with

(02:13:05):
me and Corey Roddick and Pat Butler.

Speaker 1 (02:13:07):
It's called two Hours to Midnight. And if you like metal,
you will love it. If you like yacht rock, you
might not so much. But I love yacht rock too.
Of course it's not true. I like Lamb of God
and Steely Dan.

Speaker 7 (02:13:21):
Yes, Robert Kelly is here, Christopher Kross and we couldn't
be more pleased.

Speaker 1 (02:13:25):
Christopher Cross.

Speaker 7 (02:13:27):
He had the Curse of the Best New Artist Grammy
was that nineteen if you see the list of people
who it's like the curse of the Sports Illustrated not Sports.

Speaker 5 (02:13:36):
Illustrated Madden cover.

Speaker 7 (02:13:39):
The back in the day they said, whoever won the
Grammy for Best New Artist? They peaked there like you
never heard him again. Christopher Cross won and I think
in nineteen seventy nine, P Diddy p.

Speaker 1 (02:13:53):
Y. I love the P.

Speaker 7 (02:13:54):
Diddy memes where people are slipping on the floor and
they're like party of P Ditty's house.

Speaker 1 (02:13:58):
And boy, that's wild stuff. Well somebody, I forget what
comic came out with it. Today. It's like, when did
being a piece of crap become a bad thing?

Speaker 7 (02:14:09):
Well, when people were like you know when if you
read any of that indictment for Sean culture, it was like,
oh he he had like women that were getting trucked in.
That's where it gets freaky, not just like led Zeppelin
mud shark type stuff, you know with you know, with
teenage runaways, but you know they're laser focused on the

(02:14:32):
girls that are because they come back fifteen years later.

Speaker 5 (02:14:36):
That's where people have an.

Speaker 1 (02:14:37):
Issue with this and they're sixteen years old. Yeah yeah,
well yeah, I know, I mean, listen, hitting the woman
go away that's all gross. Yeah, put what you'll see
me after the show. It I didn't say wanting you know,
that's I mean, I mean, he definitely, But like you know,

(02:15:00):
the parties, the baby oil, yeah, you know, all that stuff.
It's like it's a victimless crime until there's victims. Yeah,
I guess, yeah. I mean, shouldn't all rock stars have
some stuff in the closet.

Speaker 7 (02:15:12):
Though, Yeah, But it all comes back to bite them
in the ass. And this is the issue that people
have and I cannot. It's like you, I take umbrage
with people who try to put what happened then into
the prism of today.

Speaker 1 (02:15:25):
However, the good word umbrage s rich you're a Linquist.

Speaker 14 (02:15:30):
You know.

Speaker 7 (02:15:31):
I work it out is Steven Tyler puts out a
book and they're like, oh my god, he was partying
fourteen year old girls. These are not new stories. All right,
it was nineteen seventy eight, whatever it was. These are
not new stories. The diddy thing. A lot of people
are like, these are not new stories. The problem people
have is when these girls come back fifteen years later

(02:15:52):
and they're trying to make a case where they were
trafficked or whatever. Except these girls at the time were
very clearly escorts or they were working in the business
or something. It's when the girls start going and then
I've passed out and I woke up. Yes, you know,
it's all very murky, it's all very gross. It's all
but again, you've been in show business for a long time.

(02:16:17):
I don't know that we've ever heard about your lubrication purchases.
So that's just hanging out there. Wow, all your baby
oil wants in me. It's just hanging out there ready
to somehow come back.

Speaker 1 (02:16:29):
I'm just saying, hang on, Jesus is our Lord, and say.

Speaker 5 (02:16:34):
It indeed and he will return.

Speaker 1 (02:16:37):
Well, it's like we I mean, look at it. We
heard about these parties, all the Diddy White parties. All
these people were there. Every famous person. Will you got
to go to one of Diddy's parties, they were all there.
Everybody saw this stuff. They knew what was going on.

Speaker 7 (02:16:52):
And it's like all the famous people have pictures of
Jeffrey Epstein.

Speaker 1 (02:16:55):
You know, it's like rich people hang out together.

Speaker 7 (02:16:59):
Yes of them wanted to bang fourteen year old girls
on his weirdo island, but rich people all hang out together.
And this guy had money, so yeah, Bill Gates is
going to be there, and you know, Trump and Clinton
they wanted to be on the island. But there's a
lot of people that had pictures. Same thing with Diddy.
If you're going to have these parties where you pride
yourself on everyone being there, there's going to be a

(02:17:22):
lot of people when one when the main dude goes down,
every there's a lot of people going, oh my god,
calling their pr team. There's probably pictures of me with
this guy.

Speaker 1 (02:17:31):
Yep. I mean there's a lot of pictures a lot
of people with that guy at these parties too, and
it's like, I mean the stuff, you know, I don't know.

Speaker 7 (02:17:40):
At the time, people were probably mad they weren't invited,
and now they go, who do.

Speaker 1 (02:17:44):
Buy the whole thing with? Uh?

Speaker 9 (02:17:48):
The guy from that seventies show and Danny Masters. Hey,
they'd all make fun of Tofa Grace because he didn't
want to go hang out with them after the you know,
and go party, and there's a lot of stories about,
you know, all what they did.

Speaker 1 (02:18:01):
He ended up in.

Speaker 9 (02:18:02):
Jail, and Tofah Grace looks pretty good like, Hey, I
wasn't I wasn't there, I wasn't doing that stuff.

Speaker 7 (02:18:08):
Yeah, I mean, I mean, we're still laughing because a
guy named Christopher calls himself Tofer. But at least we're
not laughing at you anymore for skipping to Danny Masters
and parties. Yeah, he was drugging girls, right, Danny Masterson
was Yeah, was he drugging him something like that? Yes,
he got thirty years, thirty years, thirty years. I met
that guy one time at Lollapalooza and I just got

(02:18:29):
to general douche vibe often. You know, I can't retcon
this guy's life or whatever, but there were people at
the time that would not have been shocked that something
like this was happening.

Speaker 11 (02:18:39):
You know.

Speaker 1 (02:18:39):
It's funny though, because rock and roll and all that
music thing. Part of it was the parties and the
sex and you know, you remember the show, the movie
rock Star, you know what I mean, It's like that's
part of the culture. Almost famous and yeah, almost famous.
Like that girl was how old, right, you know what
I mean? And they made a moved, you know. And

(02:19:00):
now that we're where we are, it's like, my kid,
you know, his whole world is so different now.

Speaker 7 (02:19:08):
Well, the wild thing, too, is when those women come
back publicly to say. I didn't have a problem with that.
I was fifteen and I banged ted nugent. I knew
what I was doing. Like in the through the prism
of modern whatever, people go, oh my god, but these
women go, I.

Speaker 1 (02:19:24):
Knew what I was doing. My mother somebody ruined my life,
you know, so all that Louis stuff. Afterword, my mother
called me up immediately, was like, you'd tell Louis it's okay.
I was like, what she goes? You know how many
penises I saw that I didn't want to see in
my life? Yeah, you know what I mean. It was
a different Yeah. You guys all had to contend with
Louis in one way or another, didn't you. Yeah, I
mean of course. But the thing that you know I

(02:19:47):
did was I talked to him about it. Yeah, and
I knew did show his penis to your mom? Eventually
my mom was trying to get That's what I figured
she was going to.

Speaker 5 (02:19:59):
I mean, look he got he wrapped it in a
napkin and she wrote I Love you on it.

Speaker 1 (02:20:02):
There's there's there's levels of it, though, you know what
I mean, where it's like okay, when you when you're
when you're drugging somebody and taking advantage of somebody. You're
raping somebody, hitting somebody, trafficking people, you know, saying hey
can I do this crime is like a you know,
it's more of a you know, a perversion or a thing,

(02:20:24):
a kink. And at that time you were getting taken
down for all that stuff. I think he got swept
up a little bit in that. Well.

Speaker 7 (02:20:31):
It's like when Me Too was huge, huge, like when
it went super nova, you know, like a z's I'm
sorry told the story about like he had a bad
date and this woman did a whole hit piece on whatever.
It was getting weird. There were people getting scooped up
Louis Aside. There were people getting scooped uphere. You were like,
what the tide came up and took a lot of it,
and that doesn't help the whatever they're trying to accomplish.

(02:20:52):
That doesn't help. WinCE like everybody piles onto somebody. Yeah,
me and Keith were talking. We were bummed out that
we didn't get me too. We were like, we're not
even famous enough.

Speaker 1 (02:21:00):
Get me too. We steak if we have.

Speaker 9 (02:21:04):
All that baby oil. It's like, also, his thighs don't
run together. He's fine, that is true. It should not
be underrated. Baby oil.

Speaker 1 (02:21:13):
I forgot that, and not until recently that I forget it.
I forgot all about baby Johnson's baby oil is still
on the shelves.

Speaker 9 (02:21:19):
I had, like, I feel like coconut oil really usurped
baby oil.

Speaker 1 (02:21:23):
Coconut oil is the thing. And I learned that two
summers ago in my tiny house. Yeah, when my wife,
who's when I first learned about pre menopause, when we
were having sex. The guy the kid had an overnight
and we were having sex, and uh, it wasn't working.
And she was like, I need lube. And I was like, well,
we're in the woods of New Hampshire. You want to

(02:21:45):
kill a moose and.

Speaker 5 (02:21:45):
Get some sap?

Speaker 1 (02:21:47):
Yeah? Yeah, we'll go to a pine tree and.

Speaker 7 (02:21:51):
These aren't maples, all right, I can't And I was like,
I don't know where to get lube.

Speaker 1 (02:21:56):
I don't know what to do. And she's like, I'm like,
what's wrong? Are you not tragedy because I'm pre menopause
and it just happens. And I didn't understand that vaginas die.

Speaker 7 (02:22:06):
Let me get a sour ball, baby, and I'll work
up some spin we'll go from there.

Speaker 1 (02:22:10):
I offered a spin on it. She's like, no, we
have a dead tooth. I was like, well that feels yeah,
and money. I'm only worried about cross contamination, all right.
And then she's like, you joy, Yeah, I don't want
to just smell like old petties and mustard. She uh we.
I had gone to the store. I was making a

(02:22:31):
sturf fry that night, and she was like, you got
coconut oil and I was like, yeah, for the sturfry
I when I make. And she was like, that's a
natural lubricant. And I was like, huh. I was like,
I don't want to I don't want to use that.
Sounds like an unnatural lubricant to me, honey. She went
over and got it, and I remember her putting it. Yeah,
she put it on. It looked like she was just

(02:22:51):
trying to get an old Chevy engine to work again.

Speaker 5 (02:22:54):
Turtle wax and it was.

Speaker 1 (02:22:56):
Like eleven thirty in the morning, yeah, and it was
just her and I was she was just putting it on.
I was like a little bit, but yeah, it worked, buddy.
Let me tell you some coconut oil is the jam
and it smells so good. It smells.

Speaker 9 (02:23:17):
I don't know if you and you're so soft afterwards,
it's so good, it feels great.

Speaker 7 (02:23:23):
You can you got cans of it as a pan spray.
You can use that too.

Speaker 1 (02:23:27):
Next That's what I do. I spray her like I'm
gonna make pancakes, seasoning a cast iron pant. I just
I don't like that she three fingers scooped it out
of a mason jar. Was discussed like an old Crisco
commercial or something you could have done a little sexier. Yeah,
I didn't heard that.

Speaker 7 (02:23:48):
I heard it a couple of times, first when it
was in the can, and then, uh, this is the
first recorded case of.

Speaker 1 (02:23:53):
Ginga vagina we've ever seen. The doctor told her later on,
the girls don't like sex in the shower. I didn't
know that.

Speaker 7 (02:24:00):
Well, hot tubs showers, I mean there's like a fake.
There can be a height and differential. Yeah, it's the
wrong amount of wet just plugging mosquitos in there.

Speaker 1 (02:24:10):
Yeah, wet spiders, very very strange. Sex and water not
a good thing.

Speaker 7 (02:24:16):
No, sounds great, and we've all seen movies or it
seems like it's going to be awesome, but it's the
difference between the theoretical and the practical good I believe
Stephen Hawking talked about how difficult in the shower, short chair.

Speaker 1 (02:24:37):
And gall in front of just dunk him in a pool.
Yeah what if he was at he did He's party,
just in the background, just lying there taking it. I
don't like this is that.

Speaker 5 (02:24:49):
They got like the jewelers glass?

Speaker 1 (02:24:51):
Is that Stephen Hawking? I actually caught my son, oh boy,
using the coconut oil. No, no, that's your mother's and mine,
that's your own. Well he he you know he is eleven, yes,
of course. And when I started, did you really yeah, yeah,

(02:25:11):
he started. I came out one morning when I was
I deal with that, and I'm like what And I
looked over and he was holding his iPhone up with
it watching YouTube videos, and I was like, that's genius.
All I never thought of that. Good for him, and uh,
he actually talked to me about it. And I checked
his iPhone one day and one of his friends showed
him you porn a porn hub, and I checked his

(02:25:34):
thing and it was pretty bad and I was like, Maxicks,
and you can't do this. You know, when you're eighteen,
if you want to do this stuff, it's fine, but
right now you're too young for this and it's too
they too much. They're treating women too brutal. And this
is how you shouldn't you shouldn't learn about sexist way.
It's bad to treat women like this, you know, because
whatever rabbit hole he went down, whatever his genre he

(02:25:57):
clicked on first, took him down another one.

Speaker 7 (02:25:59):
It goes zeroed to one hundred immediate. I remember why
Son was ten and he googled boobs and I mean
pretty innocent, right, I mean we used to do it
on the calculators.

Speaker 1 (02:26:10):
But it was like it was just him. It was
just Burt Reynolds and Don de Luiz slapping each.

Speaker 7 (02:26:13):
Other, dressed up as Captain America, and it was Yeah,
it goes zero to one hundred real fast.

Speaker 5 (02:26:19):
I got to take another break here. Uh you hang out.

Speaker 1 (02:26:22):
Yeah, I'll hang up for a little bit.

Speaker 7 (02:26:24):
Okay because the but we're almost done in the Bill
Squire Friday get Down is coming up. And I'll tell
you what, Yes, you're not privy to this. It's gonna
blow your frigging mind. I do have some coconut oil.
I have to get two back at the hotel before
the show.

Speaker 12 (02:26:37):
Call the Alan Cox show your piece of crack?

Speaker 8 (02:26:40):
You want six five seven A one double O seven?
Call the Alan.

Speaker 5 (02:26:44):
Cox show that your piece of crack?

Speaker 8 (02:26:47):
Do you want six five seven A one double O
seven or one three four eight one double O seven?

Speaker 5 (02:27:05):
Oh we got the uh.

Speaker 7 (02:27:07):
Bill Squire Friday get down on the way in honor
of a late great Murray Saul here at w m MS.
It's been a minute since Robert Kelly has been here,
so I don't think that he's ever been exposed to
a live Bill Squire Friday get down.

Speaker 1 (02:27:23):
I've been exposed to Bill Squire so many things about him.

Speaker 7 (02:27:27):
He's exposed himself to me. This is another arrow in
his quiver that he has yet to pull out for you.
And boy, are you gonna be turgid with excitement. I'll
tell you that you might hate it. Honestly, I think
you hate it. You see, it's very visual, but it
doesn't last long. Bill Squire tell Bobby his wife is

(02:27:47):
being nice to him. This Textter says, my girl went
through menopause. Is it a dang waterfall down there? It's
a waterfall. Everybody's different, he says. He says, maybe it's
the rod he's fishing with get it.

Speaker 1 (02:27:59):
Yeah, I do, and I don't disagree that my rod
isn't a full rod. But I blame her too. Yes,
every woman's beautiful in her own way. Yeah, I think,
you know, what are you gonna do? You know we're
not into each other that much anymore. What are you
gonna do? How long have you guys been married? We've

(02:28:20):
been married for seventeen years. I've known her for thirty.

Speaker 7 (02:28:23):
I was gonna say, I didn't realize you had been
married that long. I was thinking I knew how old
your son was. I was thinking that you guys had
been married like a little bit longer than that. But
you've known her for a long time.

Speaker 1 (02:28:34):
It's like Patrise O'Neill's greatest joke ever when he said,
my girls, my girl's been with me for six years.
I've been with her for three months. Yeah, it's like, Ye,
it sucks because when I first met her, I was
I was so not into her, yeah you know what
I mean, And she was so into me.

Speaker 5 (02:28:56):
But you hadn't been married.

Speaker 7 (02:28:57):
This is your first first marriage for her too.

Speaker 1 (02:29:01):
I hope. Yeah, But you know it does it switches,
like you know, like I'm so into her now like
I'm in love with my wife. Yeah, and she's just
over it now.

Speaker 11 (02:29:09):
She was not.

Speaker 1 (02:29:11):
Yeah thing she wants a kitchen in a bathroom, you
know what I mean.

Speaker 7 (02:29:14):
But that's probably largely hormonal too, right, And she'll come back.

Speaker 1 (02:29:17):
Around, yeah, I know. Yeah, she's not gonna be able
to walk, she's gonna have a bad hip, and her
boob job is gonna be like.

Speaker 5 (02:29:23):
I'm really getting you back in your prime.

Speaker 1 (02:29:25):
But she's at the point like we got our boob job,
like I think twelve years ago, maybe longer. Yeah, And
that was probably the greatest acting I've ever done, is
when she was like, I'm thinking in a boob job
and I was like, no, I was, honey, you're perfect,
right did you have to say that? Why would you?
I love that you have one big nipple and the
other one looks like a Filipino boy nipple. Why would you?

Speaker 7 (02:29:46):
Why would you think that? Which reminds me today is
National Pepperoni Pizza Day.

Speaker 1 (02:29:50):
Oh here you go. Yeah, she really did have like
pep like the Domino's pepperoni, and then the other one
was like from that really good pepperoni that curls up
the cold world pepperoni I believe the original, right, that's
the bumpy part. Yeah, but now she's got she wants
to get rid of them.

Speaker 7 (02:30:09):
A lot of women are doing that because they say
it makes them sick.

Speaker 1 (02:30:12):
She wants to get rid of them. Yeah, So then
I guess I'm I got to go back to the
You had a good run.

Speaker 7 (02:30:18):
They were great while they last were great. But what
I what would she get? Like a thirty six sees
she's going to go back to nothing.

Speaker 1 (02:30:26):
No, but she had what she had a b cup
you've been working with thirty thirty, thirty sixty, yeah, thirty
six c And the guy that did her breast in
New York was the number one breast guy in New
York did all the porn stars and the penthouse pets.
And he got arrested because he had a fetish for
making them too big. So he tried to always get

(02:30:48):
these girls go bigger and bigger, and he made them
so big on these girls that their nipples were falling off.
Oh oh really yeah, and he wound up going to jail.
There was a whole thing, and so the implants were
squeezing through the holes. What like when the alien gets
sucked out of the air lock. I guess the nipple
couldn't stay attached to stretch. And he tried to get
her to go to a bigger one, and she was like, no,

(02:31:10):
I just wanted thirty six.

Speaker 7 (02:31:11):
And how many men had eyes put out from those
nipples checking off of those brand new breaths. No, but
I'll tell you what what you described there was acting. Yes,
it's a gamble because they're judging your response, and what
you don't want is for them to go, Okay, you're right,
I don't need that.

Speaker 1 (02:31:30):
You're like a damn it. I gambled and I lost
right there.

Speaker 9 (02:31:35):
You also can't fight like like as soon as she
says that, you can't just like send a link.

Speaker 1 (02:31:40):
Here's the guy. You can't high five her. We'll make
you an appointment right now. You just slowly walk over
to a check book. What do you need? What like
three four per Yeah, I can take care of that.
So now we have to get him taken out. And
she's going to go back to regular. But I'm saying,
why go back? Maybe go go to a you know,
maybe get new ones.

Speaker 7 (02:32:00):
Maybe there's new technologies, but she's not taking them out
because happened. Yeah, she's not taking them out because they're
too big, taking them out because again, a lot of
women say that they believe their implants are making them sick,
and doctors don't believe them because A doctors don't believe
a lot of women in general, and B there's I
don't know that there's proof of that, right, but women
swear it's like a big thing now that there's a

(02:32:22):
lot of them are taking them out, and there's some
convalescence that goes with that too. It's not like you're
back to work. They're sitting around with like, you know,
a thing for a while, just like they were the
first time around.

Speaker 1 (02:32:32):
Well her is one is bigger than the other. Now, yeah,
that's kind of around. It's just we go on public
and she's not wearing a bra. She looks like, you know,
she looks weird. We got to get that chicken cutlet
and one of them, she's one that just juicy and
hags and the other ones just like perky, which is weird.

Speaker 7 (02:32:47):
That's the You remind me of the acting job I
had to do when I many many years ago, when
I was dating this girl and it was the first
time we were going to be intimate and she goes,
I just want to warn you because it's not it's
not uncommon.

Speaker 5 (02:33:01):
She goes, I just want to warn you. One of
my breast is bigger than.

Speaker 1 (02:33:03):
The other one.

Speaker 7 (02:33:03):
I got, that's fine, it's not that it's you know what,
a little lopside or whatever.

Speaker 1 (02:33:07):
No, boy, she wasn't kidding. Wow.

Speaker 7 (02:33:09):
I had to maintain stone face, like I'm holding the flush.
I don't want anybody right I'm at the end of
the table. And I was like wow, and I played through.
It didn't last long. I had a relationship. I hate
to admit it. I had a girl do that to me.
And I'm an ass man, I'm not a boo guy.
I had a girl do this to me. And I

(02:33:30):
was in love with this girl and we were about
to get intimate, and she said, I gotta warn you,
which is always scary. And she said, I have very
long nipples.

Speaker 1 (02:33:42):
I do whatever. I don't even know who cares. And
she took her shirt off. They unfolded, and I screamed, wow.

Speaker 7 (02:33:51):
Yeah, I mean I thought she was smuggling an ant
eater into the country.

Speaker 1 (02:33:55):
They were like light switches, they were. They unfolded, and
I think I heard a boying. I'm pretty sure I
heard you would.

Speaker 7 (02:34:04):
Nuts, but you like the awnings would flip up in
the Tom and Jerry cartoons.

Speaker 1 (02:34:09):
I've had that a couple of times. I had one
girl that I was in love. I was really in
love with this girl, and we I courted her like
a month. I took her on dates and you were
a gentleman, call her gentleman. And then we finally were
about to kiss in her vestibule and she goes, I
gotta warn you.

Speaker 7 (02:34:24):
Of her building. I assume you mean that not a
euphemism of her building. I was in her vestibule. She goes,
I just want to warn you. No, she we made
out and then she goes. She goes, she goes, I
want to warn you.

Speaker 1 (02:34:37):
I want to let you know that I I have
a tooth and I go what She goes, chips, did
did you feel it? And the roof she had a
fang tooth coming down, and then she went, ha, right
here do you see it? And I went I almost
threw up. Do you see what are my heart is seeing?
But I could I had.

Speaker 7 (02:34:58):
To end it because I well, you also can't have
your tongue punctured every time, you know, literally like that
would be that's a tough one about other things. Well,
this was during the kiss. That's the preamble. You weren't
even gonna get to the rest, right.

Speaker 1 (02:35:13):
I didn't want her to plow a field. Imagine a
piece of Poppa getting stuck in that too. Imagine if
it dies, smell it. Hey, Stripper Scott, Hello, everybody, what's
going on? Hey, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 (02:35:29):
I was on hold and I had to drop off
and then I came back.

Speaker 1 (02:35:31):
I apologize.

Speaker 14 (02:35:32):
There you are real quick cost airtails before the break. Also, Hi,
Hi Bobby. I don't know if you remember me. I
always see you when you're in town. I can't see
it tonight. It's I got some stuff going on. I
can't make it.

Speaker 1 (02:35:42):
Okay, God, Yeah, story in my life. If I was
Matt Rife, you'd be here.

Speaker 2 (02:35:48):
It's just it's it's it's important stuff. But crosshairtail, cocon oil.
I just see a girl who would give these amazing massages.

Speaker 1 (02:35:57):
With cocon oil. It was great, and it smelled.

Speaker 11 (02:36:00):
Nice, and it was a good lube.

Speaker 2 (02:36:02):
And then when we get to the next part, she
used coconut oil and she didn't realize that latex degrades
in any kind of oil and that was the only
time I ever had a condom break. Only time in
my life was using the coconut oil for loop.

Speaker 7 (02:36:16):
That's why they say don't use these Diddy parties are like,
you can't use baby oil on that kind of stuff
or internally or it's because it does it degrades.

Speaker 2 (02:36:26):
Yeah, it's fine if you're not, like you're married and
everything and no worried. But if like for people that
may not know if they have, they're using the old prophylaxis.

Speaker 5 (02:36:35):
All right, thank you, Scott, Scott.

Speaker 1 (02:36:41):
All right, thank you, Scott. I appreciate him because now
and I cheat on my wife. I'm not going to
use the coconue oil.

Speaker 8 (02:36:47):
You know.

Speaker 5 (02:36:48):
There you go, yep.

Speaker 4 (02:36:51):
Or whatever.

Speaker 7 (02:36:52):
Inadvertently raw dogged after I scooped out the coconut.

Speaker 1 (02:36:56):
I don't use trojans. I actually wrap it in saran
matt rap. That's still a thing.

Speaker 5 (02:37:00):
I use a corn husk. I feel like it's naturally ribbed.

Speaker 1 (02:37:04):
Like an American Indian. Yeah.

Speaker 7 (02:37:06):
I got snipped a couple of years ago, and I
can't believe it took me so long. I was always
a condom guy. I wasn't one of those guys who
really cared I was. I was very, very diligent with
my condoms. So it's a big deal. But I finally
got snipped because I'm like, I'm not having more kids.
And my brother, who is you know, like a year
younger than me, but he's been married a long time.

Speaker 1 (02:37:25):
He got snipped twenty five years ago. It's like, well,
toky so long.

Speaker 5 (02:37:29):
I don't know.

Speaker 7 (02:37:30):
I think it was nervous because I heard so many stories.
People are like, oh, it blew up, and then it were.

Speaker 1 (02:37:36):
Yeah, I'm not getting snipped. You should get snipped. Nah, mine,
mine's not making it up the canal. Okay, well it's not.
It's not. I mean, she's done. She's like jello. It's
like yellow yellow jell.

Speaker 5 (02:37:47):
Crawling on the beaches at Normandy.

Speaker 1 (02:37:49):
It's not if my if God blessed, Yeah, it's not
like any aircraft fire anymore. And stroke victims. I'm lucky.

Speaker 5 (02:38:00):
If I get it on my knuckles, it runs down
the other side.

Speaker 1 (02:38:04):
When I finished. Yeah, I remember when I got the surgery.
They didn't tell you that that. The week after I
got the surgery, I was in just for laps in
Montreal and I was by myself, let's say, and I
had a little fun. It came out black. Oh, come on,
I have photos. Yeah, it came out black.

Speaker 7 (02:38:24):
Yeah, like a like a movie where like the devil
is in a kid and they cried.

Speaker 1 (02:38:30):
Dude, I was paying. They didn't tell you that, and
tell me that. I call my doctor and you know
doctors anytime they set me wrong and send me a picture.

Speaker 11 (02:38:40):
And I had.

Speaker 1 (02:38:41):
I had to take a picture of it. I sent
it to him and he went, I don't know what
that is. And I'm like, and then you look up.
Of course it's cancer. Can't cancer? Cancer?

Speaker 5 (02:38:51):
Like, well, if you don't know, I don't know, go
to medical school.

Speaker 11 (02:38:54):
I did.

Speaker 1 (02:38:54):
It's it was the protein. I was drinking so much
protein that it turned Is it black? Yeah? After the
surgery black. And now you have a fun prank for
your wife at Halloween. You know your venom? Now, honey? Look, Bill,
are you ready to start a week doing? All?

Speaker 11 (02:39:15):
Right?

Speaker 1 (02:39:16):
Here we go about heaven? Me called me a.

Speaker 4 (02:39:25):
Brother?

Speaker 1 (02:39:26):
All right hit the honor of the late Great Murray Saul.

Speaker 7 (02:39:28):
Here at w m MS The Bill Squire Friday, Get
down as how we officially begin the weekend.

Speaker 1 (02:39:34):
Take it away, William, It's right, get.

Speaker 14 (02:39:44):
Down, one down.

Speaker 3 (02:39:45):
That big wagon from unfurl your nimbers about it, Kelly, slap.

Speaker 14 (02:39:51):
Down things are around, nap slip NAP's.

Speaker 1 (02:40:02):
How about that? Why this guy?

Speaker 4 (02:40:05):
Some people don't like it?

Speaker 1 (02:40:07):
Why wouldn't I like that? I don't know. Some people
don't like it? Why would I not like you? Trying
to give yourself an air.

Speaker 3 (02:40:14):
Radio?

Speaker 1 (02:40:15):
And that and that's almost said nipple pops. Yeah, I
love that you feel that one in my calf. I
want to bring me up tonight. Mary hates it. Mary
hates it. She hates she hates it, which gives me

(02:40:36):
like I like making her hate it. Of course you do.

Speaker 7 (02:40:39):
Well, we've got to I have to break one last time.
We've got to say goodbye.

Speaker 1 (02:40:43):
Robert.

Speaker 5 (02:40:43):
Kelly is so good, beautiful to see you.

Speaker 1 (02:40:45):
Thanks, Thanks, you look so good.

Speaker 5 (02:40:47):
You're a gentleman and a scholar.

Speaker 1 (02:40:49):
You're a vampire. I whole fingers crossed, gorgeous man. I'm
seventy two years old wearing it.

Speaker 11 (02:40:54):
Well.

Speaker 1 (02:40:54):
I can't wait to find you in a park around
at eight o'clock at night. Yeah, and to punish your
T shirt. And now I must leave you as the
Brady bunches on and I find four of those children,
incredibly arousing. Get at it.

Speaker 15 (02:41:09):
Be careful of what you say, Be careful in every way,
Be careful of what you do.

Speaker 4 (02:41:19):
Big Brother is watching you.

Speaker 15 (02:41:23):
Be circumspect and discreet, Stay light on your mental feet.
One slip and you know who you're through. Big Brother
is watching you.

Speaker 3 (02:41:36):
And with all narratives, remember obedience paid. And when you
watch that davy screens, remember.

Speaker 4 (02:41:47):
It works both ways.

Speaker 15 (02:41:50):
You disappear in a wink unless you can double think,
you'll vanish into the blue.

Speaker 4 (02:42:01):
Big Brother is watching you.
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