Joan Ulsher, CASA Advocate and Author of Misplaced Childhood

Joan Ulsher, CASA Advocate and Author of Misplaced Childhood. Ulsher suffered abuse as a child, was in and out of foster care, and, as an adult, became a CASA Advocate to help ensure other children like her have someone in their corner. https://www.joanulsher.com/

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
This week on the Art of Improvement, I'll have a conversation with Joan Ulsher.
She's a KASA advocate who has writtenthe book Misplaced Childhood. It's about
her life. She suffered abuse asa child, was in and out of
foster care, and as an adultbecame a KASA advocate to help ensure other
children like her have someone in theircorner. I can't wait to introduce you

(00:21):
to her. Joan Ulsher is myguest next on the Art of Improvement.
Thank you so much for listening tothe Art of Improvement. I'm Karen Klaus
and my guest today is Joan Ulsher. She's a KASA advocate. And Blair
Rtman, who has been my guestbefore, is here also, and you

(00:43):
represent CASA. This is special tome because I have never experienced a story
like you're about to tell. Joan. You're an author and the book you
wrote is called Misplaced Childhood, andit's about your life, and you suffered
abuse as a child in and outof foster care. And I am intrigued,

(01:04):
pained, excited. I want tohear your story. I mean,
there's no way except to start fromthe beginning. Thank you so much for
coming today. Thank you for havingme. It's such a pleasure to be
on your show. Well, okay, one, you have a book that's
incredible, But I mean, howdid this all begin? So I'm older

(01:29):
in my years, I'm fifty fivenow in a first time author. But
I had experienced abuse and neglect asa child growing up in Western New York.
So I entered the foster care systemforty years ago, and so there
was this great gap in my lifewhere I didn't know what my purpose was.
And in twenty eighteen, my husbandand I discovered CASA Child Advocate san

(01:53):
Antonio, and right away he toldme, I don't think this is going
to be the right fit for youbased on what you were experience were in
your life. And he only knewa little of my story about how traumatic
it really was, but that waslike a challenge. I was like,
all right, I've got this,and so I immediately reached out to Child
Advocate san Antonio, contacted them andfound out more about what it means to

(02:15):
be a child advocate, basically anadvocate that I never had when I was
in foster care, and I rightaway knew it was the right fit.
And so it's been five years volunteeringwith children and youth that are in foster
care in Bear County. And itwas my new CEO, Angie White,
who kind of implanted the seed forthis book. We just sharing stories one

(02:38):
day over lunch and she says,I think you're going to write a book
one day, and I'm like,I laughed. I said, that's not
possible. No, no, notmy story. It's too important of a
story to tell. When you talkabout child abuse and the cost of system.
One thing that you said just aminute ago, it still has a
big question mark above my head.So you say you enter into the pharoster

(03:00):
care system at age ten or no, I was probably closer to fifteen fifteen,
And you said, I spent along portion or a block of time
trying to figure out what is mypurpose? Is that is that I'm trying
to think back? Is that anormal question for a teenager? Is it

(03:21):
a different kind of question for afifteen year old or a teenager that has
been abused? To find out whatam I here for? Because I think
I asked myself that question what ismy purpose? Right when I was about
to walk across the stage and getmy college diplow my go ooh, what
am I going to do? Now? You know? This is this is
my life? And hmm, yeah, I don't think it's uncommon for young

(03:44):
kids or teenagers that are in thefoster care system to not have a sense
of identity. They're definitely folks thatknow what they want to do. I
always knew that I wanted to breakthe cycle of abuse. I wanted to
break the cycle of poverty. Ididn't quite know what I wanted to do
with my life as a purpose,but I served an entire twenty years in
the military and thought that was theend of my purpose. And it wasn't
until just being restless here in SanAntonio and volunteering in other capacities that my

(04:12):
husband was the first to discover childAdvocate san Antonio. And now it was
like a knock on the head.How did I not never know? How
did I not know that there wasthis need for advocates for foster children?
And so even the small amount oftime I had as a teenager in care,
it didn't give me that foresight toknow that forty years later I would

(04:32):
be doing what I needed as achild. I want to hear the whole
story. But obviously we only havelike twenty minutes here, but I also
want to hear your story, andso before we go on, I want
to ask where can people get yourbook called Misplaced Childhood? So that I
do not leave that out one hundredtimes. This is definitely important part.
So I have a website and it'sJoan Alsher dot com JOA n U L

(04:58):
s h e er dot com.And if that's difficult for folks to find,
they can always contact Child Advocate SanAntonio and they'll direct them in the
right place. So why I've writtenthis book now is important. It's not
so much just to tell my storyof abuse. It has a bigger purpose.
It's a call to action. Ireally want to inform and inspire people

(05:18):
in our community and across the stateand the nation about the urgent need and
the call to have more volunteers stepup in each community and represent these children
in court. Don't kill me.But because I don't have the experience of
child abuse, I yeah, AndI think I told you, Blair that
a friend of mine just took ina foster child and she I think she's

(05:42):
fourteen or thirteen, and I seeI look at her and I'm like,
oh my gosh, what's going tohappen? Is she going to have a
future because she's pretty, she's prettydamaged. And I keeped on thinking,
well, what happens to the restof kids? And here you are?
Is it impossible for kids that havebeen through this to make it through?

(06:06):
Are you special? How did ithappen to you? And is it going
to happen to any other kids thathave been in your situation? Is it
dumb for me to ask that?I mean, not at all, And
I know Blair are sitting here smiling, going, of course John's special,
But seriously, now, there area lot of children that make it through

(06:27):
the child welfare system on their own. Many don't farewell. The statistics are
not in their favor. But evenif somebody doesn't step up to be a
foster parent or a court appointed specialadvocate, any person who acknowledges a child
in front of them, maybe inthe grocery store, maybe it's a teenager
bagging groceries, or maybe it's amom having difficulty handling five young children in

(06:53):
the aisle where their children are throwingtantrums. Rather than just looking at that
family and judging the situation. Ohthat's a bad parent, or those are
bad kids. Consider that those childrencould be in need, they could be
being abused, they could be ina traumatic situation, or perhaps they were
just recently placed with a foster parentand they're still getting to know their boundaries.

(07:15):
So I do think that every childcan be saved, and every person
can make a difference in some way. And my book definitely highlights a number
of people who have made differences andimpacts in children's lives in a number of
ways. It doesn't just have tobe quarter pointing special advocates or guardian ed
items or foster parents or mentors,but these are all roles that people can

(07:38):
fill in our community. You saidthat you had siblings. How many siblings
did you have? I had foursiblings growing up, so there was I
was the third, my older sisterby the time we let me back up
a little bit, so there wasa lot of abuse going going on.
In my book, Misplaced Childhood,A true story of resiliency and child advocacy,

(07:59):
I kind of start off about ageeight, you know, some abuse
that I could remember, but itwasn't until I was fifteen that the authorities
really took a notice and finally removedmyself and my older brother, Joey.
He was about fifteen to seventeen monthsolder than me. Now by this time,
my sister was already over eighteen andnot really in the house. I

(08:20):
never even knew that my younger brothernever went into foster care. It was
just Joey and I that begged tobe removed when the authorities came to our
home, and so we were takenaway and placed in the backseat of sedan,
and neither one of us had anycoping skills or any understanding of how
to relate healthy. We never hugged, we didn't talk. And that was

(08:43):
the last day I saw my brotheralive. So when children enter the foster
care system, they can lose everything. A stuffed animal, a child,
a parent, a sibling, theirbed, a blanket, anything that they
knew that was precious to them islost. But you thought to yourself,
I would rather leave than stay.At that time, for me, I

(09:05):
had endured almost a decade of abuse. I needed to leave. But what
is abuse? I always say tomyself when it comes to child abuse.
There are so many different explanations ofwhat it can be. I'm not going
to get into the legal definition ofabuse, because we do have some difference
of opinions when it comes to howthe state decides on an abusive situation.

(09:28):
But abuse and neglect can be seenin many different ways. For me,
abuse was physical, it was emotional, it was sexual, and it was
neglect for basic needs, just healthcare, sometimes food, sometimes medical attention,
basic needs in that regard. Butperhaps the inciting incident for us was the

(09:52):
domestic violence. If somebody is trappedin a domestic violence situation for years and
then there's children in this situation.As the children age, eventually they become
targets as well. And that wasdefinitely true for myself and my siblings.
There's so many different angles that Iwant to ask you about, but I
know we don't have enough time.But from a child's eyes, you say,

(10:16):
this is too horrible for me tobe a part of. I got
to get out of here. ButI always think of the bigger picture,
and that is where was mom,Where was Dad? What was happening?
Where was the extended family neighbors?Do you think that that has an impact
on getting out and moving forward?Yes, So there are a variety of

(10:39):
different I would say socio and economicalor even generational type norms that exist in
different pockets and different communities. Sowhat happened in Buffalo or the way people
lived maybe different than Kansas, maybedifferent than Iowa, maybe different than San
Antonio. But one thing for sure, when there is an absence of people

(11:00):
involved in a child's life directly closeto them, the abuse goes unnoticed for
far longer. And when my parentsbasically cut us off from other extended relations,
we were alone and trapped inside thathouse. So for those folks listening,
if they're aware of children that perhapsjust look withdrawn when they see them

(11:22):
interacting at the bus stop with theirchildren and you don't see other family and
extended relatives available, it might bethe kindest thing to just reach out and
say hi to the child, becausethat's essentially what some people did for me.
Is a neighbor just started giving mecookies and then I realized, like,
wow, she's really nice, Likecan I trust her? You know?

(11:45):
So it just reaching out and acceptinga child for who they are goes
a long way for that child tostart finding their voice to reach out and
say something is wrong. Blair.You're sitting over there because you've heard you've
heard Jones Store, but I can'thelp but think that you've heard not the
same story, but similar stories.And there's got to be a need for

(12:09):
more people to join KASA right there. Absolutely is. When Joan was just
talking about the last time she sawher brother, like, one of the
major things that an advocate can dofor kids who are in this foster care
system is make sure that they stayin touch with their siblings. That's a
loss that didn't necessarily have to happen, and that we have. Part of

(12:33):
an advocate's role now is to makesure that our kids, when it's healthy
and safe to do so, thatthey're able to maintain those sibling bonds.
And we need more advocates. There'sa lot of kids in the system,
and older kids like Joan was whenshe entered the system, teenagers who really
need someone. You know, alot of us love to cuddle babies,

(12:58):
and that's wonderful, and we needfolks for the babies too, but we
really need some folks to step upand consider that some of our teens and
our older kids really are in desperateneed and want someone to trust in their
life, and so how do theyget in touch with your organization. Yeah,
they can contact COSA. We cango to our website at www dot

(13:22):
COSA, sat X dot org orgive us a call at two one zero
to two two five seventy seventy toone zero two two five seventy seventy and
we can certainly start that process.On our website. You can sign up
to attend an information session and thoseare virtual. Every happen every week.

(13:46):
Joan Blair just said something. Itmade me kind of laugh because I remember,
I mean, I don't remember exactlyat age fifteen, but I was
thinking at age fifteen, she says, you know, dor babies need to
be held and hugged, and evena fifteen year old that maybe wasn't in
the situation that you're in, kindof doesn't want to be hugged, doesn't

(14:11):
want to be helped, thinks thatthey can do everything on their own.
And that, in my mind,makes it even harder to have for you
to reach out and say I needhelp. Is that as is? That?
Could that be a situation? Youknow? The wonderful thing about Child
Advocate San Antonio and the entire CONSTAnetwork across the nation is that there is

(14:33):
a particular curriculum for the training thatwe receive, So we receive a lot
of instruction about how to deal withdifferent age groups, developmental milestones, and
how to relate to teenagers, andthen of course the special considerations about maybe
they're involved with the juvenile justice systemas well, or maybe there's some chemical

(14:54):
dependency issues. We received training onall that. The unique thing I wanted
to bring back my book is thatthis is not just a story of like,
hey, this is a traumatic lifeand here I am, you know,
hopeful and a success story at theend. It really details my experience
as an advocate in the second halfof the book, and that's the part
I think that I really loved peoplereaching out to me via my website and

(15:18):
telling me their stories and telling mehow the book has impacted them, and
friends here in San Antonio saying hey, I'm starting training at Child Advocate San
Antonio next week. I read yourbook and that was the final factor for
me. So we all have storiesin us, and I think what Blair
was saying earlier with Child Advocate SanAntonio going into their fortieth anniversary this year,

(15:43):
looking for more stories, because maybesomebody's got a story like this that
needs to be told as well.And mine is a story of hope,
of resilience, of purpose, offorgiveness and redemption, and definitely a call
to action. A friend of minerecently she said, oh, I'm talking

(16:03):
too much, and I said,no, I love your stories. Tell
me and she said, they're actuallynot stories, Karen, They're my life.
And I wonder sometimes do you feellike the stories that you tell Do
you look back and you say,was that my life is? Was that
real? How did I know?How did that all happen? For people
who know me, the book isvery transparent, and some folks have him

(16:29):
come back and hurt and cried andsaid, I'm sorry for what happened to
you. I wish I'd known backthen. And I'm like, no,
don't be sad. That's just asnapshot of what happened to me. Because
the reality is, it's not painfulfor me to say it anymore. I
have no shame with my story anymore. I am completely free of that pain
and the guilt. But what Iwant people to know is that what they

(16:52):
read about my life, as hardas it was, is the true stories
of the children. In over threehundred and ninety one thousand of them in
foster care across the name today areexperiencing similar things. Do you ever think
that some of the children that areabused pretend that nothing is wrong, pretend
that everything is fine, and puton a front, and that's why maybe

(17:14):
they don't get help. Yes,absolutely, I think a big part of
my story is the number of timesthat we recanted. I detail very vividly
descriptions of escaping from abusive situations outthe basement window and running to the police
station and that experience, and thengoing back home into the fray and hoping
the police would arrive. But thenwhen they would arrive, we would have

(17:37):
to recant because we were threatened andstill under a lot of duress, and
we knew that it was going tobe far worse if we allowed somebody in
to see what was going on.And we endured this for years before we
couldn't take it any longer. Sofor sure there are children that are hiding
and pretending that things are okay.Do you think, Well, going back

(17:57):
to what you said about your husband, and I'm not pointing fingers or saying
what do you mean by that?But when you told your husband that you
were thinking about becoming a COSSA advocate, and he was like, hmmm,
I don't think that's such a greatidea. Why do you think he said
that? Well, actually the wayhe sprung it on me, it's a
process. So my steps on wasinvolved in a divorce in a custody suit,

(18:22):
so we were in the courthouse herein Bear County almost monthly. It
was my husband who was noticing thebeautifully dressed families coming in and the CPS
caseworkers with the badged angle and hewould see the costas with their badges.
He was very aware of all thatgoing on around us. Me. I
was just nervous for my stepson andthe children in the case. But it
was my husband who just silently reachedout to child Advocate San Antonio and said,

(18:45):
hey, I'm interested in this.Wow, you know, and so
he applied. He went through allthe background checks and whatnot, and it
was a good month and a halflater probably where he's just literally walking out
the door and he's like, oh, I'm going to training. I'm like,
what training is that, honey,and he says, well, it's
KASA. But you know, youwouldn't be any good for this. What
it was he really just kind ofkept it a secret, and then he
didn't even have like enough time forme to go, hey, wait.

(19:08):
I just remember seeing his truck pullingout the driveway and I'm sitting at my
desk looking out the window, going, oh, this is a challenge accepted
and immediately googled and I was calling, and I knew that I was already
in contact with the recruitment staff inSan Antonio before he even arrived for the
first day of training. So it'sjust he was just trying to protect me.
I mean, I see that bothof us are retired military officers,

(19:30):
and our goal in life has beento serve the country and now our community,
and so this was the way hewas just filling in the gap,
and he thought I was doing finein my other jobs. So I do.
I love it. I love him. And what's wonderful about Kasa is
that if there's a spouse team thatwants to volunteer, you can volunteer together

(19:51):
and help each other and advocate togetherand really model what really good parenting is
for these children who are just kindof lost and displaced. Right now,
I know that you lived your book, but just because I'm nosy, this
way. But I mean, doyou have to do research? Do you
have to How does one just writea book? Oh? Wow, Well,
we could do an entire show onhow to write a book. Because

(20:15):
when Angie just kind of said,you know, Joan, I think you've
got a story to tell, Ididn't believe it at that time. I
never thought in my entire life Iwould write a book. But I was
back in my hometown of Buffalo acouple months after having lunch and discussing this
possible idea, and my aunt hadpassed and that was a real loss for

(20:36):
me because I had grown close toher over the years. And I found
myself at my brother's gravesite for thefirst time in over thirty years and reflecting
on the words that Angie said,you can do this. I believe in
you. Your story can make adifference. People need to hear this.
I thought, I can do this, and so I started just talking to

(20:59):
my birin they're in the cemetery,and said, I'm going to tell our
story because you never got a chance, and this is going to make a
difference because people need to know whatis still going on in this country and
not hide it behind closed doors.Amazing amazing. I cannot wait to read
it. The name of the bookis Misplaced Childhood. And if you've just

(21:19):
now joined us, you've been listeningto Joan Alsher. She is the author
U L. S H E R. She's also a KASA Advocate. We
only have about five minutes left andI have a million more questions, but
I want Blair, I want youto tell people how they can become a
COSA Advocate. Absolutely well, giveus a call Child Advocate San Antonio.

(21:42):
You can reach us at two onezero two two five seventy seventy or go
to our website at CASA dash satxdot org. Visit the Becoming the Volunteer
section of this of the website onour Becoming an Advocate and come see us,

(22:06):
come to an information session and findout more about the details. We
would love to see you there.We would love for you to learn more
about becoming an advocate and joining us. Absolutely and I asked you this before,
Joan, but where can people findyour book? It's available online everywhere,
so one of the big sources isAmazon, Barnes and Noble, a

(22:26):
couple of local bookstores here in SanAntonio, and also my website Joan Ulsure
dot com. I really implore peoplebuy the book. Something I hadn't mentioned
is that you know a lot ofauthors will say, oh, well,
donate fifteen percent of the proceeds toa charity. I give one hundred percent
of the net author royalties back toChild Advocate san Antonio. I believe so

(22:47):
strongly in their mission, and peoplelike Blair and Angie and the entire staff
at Costs are so professional. Anybodywho reaches out to become an advocate will
have tons of people, dozens ofpeople at their disposal to help support them
through this process and know that you'llbe competent in what you're doing for these
children. I can't think I feelso guilty. I told you this before,

(23:10):
Blair. I'm like, I havetwenty million things to do. When
is there going to be a chancefor me to be a CASA advocate?
But I guess it's just something thatyou have to say, this is something
that really needs to be done.Yeah. One of the best things about
being a COSA advocate is you canreally dictate your time on your own schedule.
If you're a working mom or aworking dad, or you've got children

(23:33):
at home, you can balance theduties of a COSSA advocate along with your
life. Probably the biggest constraint wouldbe those hard court dates where you would
be expected to turn into court reportand be present if possible, and if
not, if there's some work conflictor personal matter, a COSTA supervisor will
step in and make sure that thatchild's voice is heard. Incredible. Well,

(23:56):
I appreciate your time. I cannotwait to read the book. And
thank you Blair for bringing Joan JoanUlsher, COSSA advocate and author of a
book called Misplaced Childhood about her life. Thank you so much, and please
everyone go out and get the book. Thank you so much. Yes,