TOM ARNOLD 2025

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Tom, You're on with Queen and Arnold?

Speaker 2 (00:03):
Everybody, Tom Arnold, how are you happen?

Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's happening? Guys?

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Hey, jesus your tour? You are really bringing it on
this tour?

Speaker 1 (00:12):
Tom? Yeah.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Man, it's called my crazy ex wife Tour? Is it?
Which is it one particular crazy ex wife or is
it all four?

Speaker 1 (00:19):
That's funny. Uh. First of all, if you could have
three ex wives and still kind of go women, right buddy,
But if you have four ex wives, if you have
four x wives, you go, holy hell, it's me, and
it is me. It's me a hundred percent. But people
assume it's my first ex wife Rose, like it's about
you talk about Roseanne. I go, not even close. Rose.

(00:42):
We didn't have kids together, so the worst thing she
did was go on Saturday Night Live. Is say, Tom
Arnold has a three inch penis, which is you know,
confidential information. You know you're supposed to take that to
the grave.

Speaker 2 (00:54):
But I saw and I questioned it when I heard it.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
Yeah, well, even a se forty seven look small when
a fly's over the great kids. So I'm just saying,
I'm just saying, who knows, who knows? But my fourth
next wife I had kids with and uh, you know,
usually people with kids get divorced or like, I hate you,
I hate you, but wait a minute, I love the
kids more so, but that doesn't always happen. And uh,

(01:21):
you know, I talk a lot of stuff in the
public record. I do love being like my kids are
twelve and nine, just got to headed towards school. It's
the best life. But their mom has swatted us. You know,
you can look it up for the news, but it's
swatting is it's when you're home asleep and she calls
the cops. She's like, his name is Tom Arnold, which

(01:42):
makes him mad right there. He's very violent. He has
a lot of guns. I'm worried about the kids. So
the cops commit hot and I meet him outside of like,
slow down, boys, Uh, you call your supervisor because you've
been a here a lot. But it's a school night.
I'm not wigging the kids up. You're gotta take my word.
They're doing five and I got no guns. And then

(02:03):
the cops leave and I'm like, wake up, kids, we
got the freaking guns now everything.

Speaker 2 (02:09):
You're like, do you think you're pulling back a layer here?
And we're seeing some we're seeing some raw stuff and
I'm enjoying that.

Speaker 1 (02:15):
Well, thank you, thank you very much. Well it is.
It took me three years of going out two or
three times a week to the improv of the comedy
Store to figure out a way, not only to because
I wanted to tell people what my life is really
like as a sixty six year old single dad, but
some of this stuff is he is and people probably

(02:35):
read about some of them. It's hard, you know. People
don't want to hear oh mom swatted or kids or whatever.
So you have to figure out a way to make
that tolerable. And I definitely going to talk about it.

Speaker 2 (02:47):
Hey, Tom, we only have a couple of minutes. Tell
our audience how you couldn't how you couldn't lose twenty
pounds for twenty million Jesus.

Speaker 1 (02:55):
Okay, here we go. I've tried every day, every day
in the world, always looking for a miracle pill. Rosette
and I were like that. We got a call from
Jenny Craig. Jenny Craig is a legitimate diet person. Okay,
she offered US twenty million dollars to lose twenty pounds.
You can look it up. It's true. And who could

(03:15):
not lose twenty pounds for twenty million dollars And I know,
I know it to a couple of fat people that
could die and it already pass lose weight. But that
much money makes you really hungry. It's a lot of pressure.
You should just be You should just be able to
say I lost twenty pounds. You should be able to
do a commercial I lost twenty pounds of Jenny Craig.

(03:37):
But in America, because of a game show scandal in
the fifties, you cannot just say something like that. You
have to They send a doctor to your house with
a scale. You have to stand on it, and it's
it's humbling, And I'd always say, Rosette, you go first,
get up there. Tippy shows. Yeah, but we were losing.

(03:59):
We weren't any weight on Jenny Craig.

Speaker 2 (04:01):
So I'm twenty million.

Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah I don't so, I said Liz Mercy, we could
build a school with twenty million dollars. People think we're
crazy anyway, and we get a boarded this twenty pounds.
So husband and white diet twenty four to seven. I'm
your sponsor, You're my sponsor. Will tough love each other?
The next day, I came into the studio, walk in
the kitchen. There's a big guy and let in our kitchen.
She said, wear them back to me, finish you off

(04:26):
a giant bag of Jenny Greg chocolate chip cooks. And
I'm like, I iber sponsor, so I gotta do it.
So I get up there, grab the bag of Jady
Greg chok chip cuase throw it up. Gets the wall
towards the trashity. Now that scared her. And there was
a block of wood with nine knives you know those, Yeah,
different knives on it. And she pulls out what and

(04:46):
whips her out to me and I'm like, you're not
gonna stab me, Okay, you are going to stab me?
So she stabbed me. So and I want to say, uh,
if you call nine one one, think about what you're
gonna say because they will play it on the news. Yes,
I called that, but I go I don't know. I
don't know how to handle this. Guys. Uh, Rosie and

(05:08):
I are on a diet upper sponsors. She's Jay, great
job too, cookies. I come up behind her, take your cookies.
Is scared her. She's staffy. So where do we go
from here? That the cops are like you got to
handle a house man. But it's a funny story.

Speaker 2 (05:23):
Was it the big knife or the small knife?

Speaker 1 (05:26):
Well it was a big ky yeah, but it's fine.
It's it's other part of your chest where it's not
your heart area. It's the other side, which is great.
But Jenny Greig did not think it was a funny
story and fired us, and you can look it up.
She did not. She's like, that is not the branding
I was going for.

Speaker 2 (05:42):
Tom Martol, how he lost twenty million. See Tom at
the carl Comedy at Carlson in Rochester. Tickets available Tom
Arnold Comedy dot com. Good luck with the tour man
we're reading for.

Speaker 1 (05:52):
Thank you guys, thank you for taking the time with me.

Speaker 2 (05:55):
To pleasure Tom Marvel picks one on six