March 26, 2026 • 33 mins
A listener sent in the most beautiful counter to all the fear-based "just wait" parenting warnings and it's the kind of thing every expecting mom (like Kat!!) needs to hear. Plus a listener in a new-ish relationship asks how to support her partner as he quietly grieves the everyday moments he's missing with his daughter after divorce. Amy and Kat talk through what real support actually looks like when there's nothing to fix, just something to sit with.
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburen
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Good a right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
If you ever have feelings that you.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Just fulsome Amy and Cat gotcha, Cob and locking a brother,
Ladies and felas you just follow Anna spirit where it's
all go phone over real stuff to the chill stuff
and the m but sway. Sometimes the best thing you
can do it just stop you feel things. This is
(00:35):
Feeling Things with.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm
Kat and we have a few emails we're gonna go
over today. The first one is just for fun, just
a little, just a little findom fun. If you are
new to the podcast. Something we have talked about in
the past is findom, which is financial domination. It's just
(01:00):
a little.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Extracurricular activity some people to participate in like a career,
a romantic activity, or a side hustle or full blown.
It could be a full hustle career as Kat just said,
someone emailed us, Hey, are you interested?
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I am real and serious. Please, I would love to
pay for your luxury. Just please give me a chance.
We'd love to get you some nice designer to start with.
Please just try it once. We can move on if
it's not what you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And I'm thinking, well, this was actually somebody who would
emailed us before. This is a follow up, right.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
So it's a This is more of a now I'm begging, yeah,
to be your pay peig just they they are begging
to buy us nice designer things, yes, and we're just
like nah. I mean, obviously it's day I don't want
to get involved in because it could be dangerous. It
could be very dangerous. I'm not saying if you're listening
(01:58):
right now, I'm not implying you are dangerous emailer, but
we you cannot be too cautious.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Do you think this was a listener or do you
think they just saw our Instagram reel?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Okay, I hope they just saw the Instagram reel.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
But we all also might have listeners, maybe dissipate in
this maybe interesting.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Moving on to an email with a little more substance
to it. This is from Liz and Cat. This is
for you, she said, Kat, and then she put an
amy in parentheses. But it's definitely for you. And I
think that this email is awesome and I love it
so much. It's wisdom for you if y'all missed it.
Last week, Kat announced that she is with child. Mm hmm,
(02:44):
she's pregnant. If you know, probably every episode we're gonna
be talking about it. Talked about it last week, talked
about it t weekday.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Because it's gonna get annoying, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But no, it's like part of your No, this is
part of your life right now.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Yeah, but you know when like, I don't want that
to be my new personality, you know. Okay, so we'll
talk about it a lot. I'm not say we don't
have to talk about it, but I don't want everybody
to be like, oh, here's Kat's pregnancy update again.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Okay, Well, this is definitely advice or Cat becoming a mom.
But if that annoys you. Coming up after that, we
have we have an email about someone that is now
with someone who's been divorced and has a child, and
she's got a question navigating part of their relationship and
(03:31):
how her partner is dealing with that, and I am
a co parent. I'm a divorced mom, so maybe you're
in a divorce. Something for everybody, something for everybody. We
got finndom, we got mom advice, and we've got divorce
grieving the loss of time you may have thought you
(03:54):
had with your child, because when you get divorced, if
you're co parenting, you only have them a certain amount
of time, which for me is fifty to fifty. And
I feel well, I'll wait about yeah, wait, I'll save
my thoughts for when we get to that email. First,
let's share this sweet note we got from Liz. I
just heard Kat's news. OMG so exciting, and I wanted
(04:15):
to pass along another bit of mom advice, which I'm
sure you're already getting a ton and this is unsolicited,
so please forgive me for that. When you have kids,
there seems to be some sort of warning sent by
other parents going through it that usually starts with just wait,
followed by a barrage of terrifying or frustrating or inconvenient
(04:35):
things about being parents. Just wait till she's a teenager,
or just wait until they start teething, or just wait
until they're up all night I wanted to give you
some counter just weights, so that you can get a
sense of the joy and love you're about to experience.
Just wait until you can feel the weight of your
(04:56):
newborn on your chest. They smell so good and they're
so cuddly. Just wait until they say I love you
for the first time. Just wait until they are three
and you can go for bagels together and chit chat
like a couple of galpals. Just wait until you get
to learn all their preferences and likes and dislikes that
will be so different than yours, like blue Moon ice
(05:17):
cream is my daughter's favorite yuck. Just wait until they're
eleven and you can stay up late and eat a
bowl of cereal together and giggle and have the best
time together. Parenting little people can be hard, but every
day is full of tiny, little, mundane moments that are
so special. You will be the best mom. I am
expecting my third this fall. When you're up in the
(05:38):
middle of the night, know that moms all over are
also up rocking babies in the dark, me included. You
might feel isolated at that moment, but you're not alone.
You're part of a tiny little community connected by maternal
love and care and common experience. Just wait, it's going
to be better than you ever imagined. Liz from Wisconsin.
(05:59):
So sweet, cry Cat's emotional.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Well, and it's so true too. I've already gotten the
just wait right now. It's just about like pregnancy, Like
I'm feeling this. People are like, just wait until this happens,
or this happens, and this time is that. I'm like,
oh my gosh, it's feels so negative sometimes, But I
also get that people are probably just it's like they're
a way of expressing there. I don't know, frustrations are
(06:27):
how it was hard for them. They aren't. They aren't
meaning it to scare me. Maybe I'm trying.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I think venting a little bit. I mean, I feel
like I do that sometimes even though I didn't have
a biological experience, I am sort of thinking, oh shoot.
Sometimes with my adoption, we've experienced certain hurdles and challenges
where some people may share with me they're thinking about adopting,
and I'm like, oh, just wait, because hey, you might
(06:58):
experience this, this this, so make sure that you're ready
for it. And so I hope that I haven't been
discouraging in a way. Certainly not my intent. So I
think I get where these other parents are coming from.
Like it's just like, oh yeah, there's beautiful moments, but
also oh yeah, yeah when they're up all night or
when they're teething, or but I do appreciate this perspective,
and I thought it was a really sweet note of
(07:19):
encouragement to you. And then I was like, dang, my
mom didn't stay up late at night with me eating
cereal and giggling and having the best time. My mom did, Okay,
but I'm like I kind of want to do that. Yeah,
so this sounds like a cool mom, you.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Can do it with I almost said our baby, Well.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I can do it. Well, you sure I can eat
cereal or even Stevenson for that matter, like eat cereal.
She's just almost nineteen. Yeah, so I guess it's never
too late to do. No, that's sort of stuff at all.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I will say, I'm okay with like feedback and like
you're saying, sometimes you want to warn somebody or make
sure somebody's thought about something. I'm I appreciate that. I
think it's when it starts with somebody's like I'm pregnant
and people are like, oh, just wait, versus I'm pregnant, congratulations,
you have so much to look forward to, and then
throughout the conversation you hear those other parts. Yeah, or some.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
People will be like, oh my gosh, Like if it's
not a baby, They're like, I just got engaged, I'm
getting married.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Just wait, yeah, yes, yeah, oh I'll.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Wait till yeah he does this, or you're living with
him and then you have to do this, and so
negative it is. Yeah, what else do we just wait
to someone?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
I mean maybe like starting a new job or putting
it I mean with kids, and I think about like
putting them in daycare or stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Yeah, I mean, I think I'm definitely going to keep
this in mind when I'm opening my mouth if someone's
experiencing something like, I wonder if I just naturally go
to it.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
I'm sure I do it too in some places now
I'm thinking, like where do I do that? But I
do think because I recently did get married, that was
a big thing getting married, people are like, Jess, wait,
even through like not just being married, it was like
the wedding planning process. And I loved planning my wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Like you loved it, like you speaking of our next
emails coming above about grieving something like I think you're
grieving the fact that you don't have a wedding to
plan anymore.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Sometimes I asked Patrick, I'm like, should we break up
so we can have another wedding?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
And he's like, uh no, I gotta say though, your
wedding was a lot of fun, like y'all really like
the reception part was fun and you did what you wanted.
You were like, oh, we're not really into cake, so
we're going to do ice cream.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Yeah, Yeah, I loved planning it. I wish I had another.
I think it might be different when it's your wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Maybe you just need to do like if you want
to do a five or a ten year anniversary party
or something, not another not breakup so you can have
another wedding.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Okay, I'm kind of kidding.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I also don't think you and Patrick have hit that,
and maybe you never will, but like that just wait,
like y'all have been married two years, but you feel
very newly wettish.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
I did ask him last night, what is my most
annoying habit? And I asked him because I was thinking
about his most annoying habit.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Well, so are you gonna share?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
He said? What did he say? Oh? He said when
I like he doesn't like to be touched in his armpits.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Well, first of all, I hate the word armpit.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I forgot about that. I'm sorry, what do you call it?
Under under arms? Okay, I know, I just said.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Okay, So he doesn't like it when you tickle his underarm.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
He doesn't like it when I touch his underarm? Why
don't you tickle him sometimes? Why do you touch if
I'm like laying on him or something. Sometimes it's accidental.
Sometimes I do on purpose, just to like, But sometimes
I'm like, just get too close, and he's always like,
watch it, watch your fingers. He said, that is my
most annoying trait. And I was shocked because I have
(11:06):
so many more annoying traits than that. You know, well,
that's kind of awesome.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
If the most annoying thing about you is not really
about you, it's like something you do. It's not like, oh,
the way you swallow or the way you like when
you chew.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Well, I said, his was when you choose ice.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Do you think that's because you're pregnant and your hormones
are all.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
This has been our whole This started years ago.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well didn't he know you're not supposed to chew ice?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yes, because it's battery and it's I guess it gives
you gas. It does, Yeah, because you're swallowing a lot
of air. I did not know that. Yeah, well, okay,
that could be an urban lapon. I've been told that.
But it just is annoying because he if you get
it doesn't matter if you're at a restaurant, if you
have a fast food drink, if you're at home and
(11:55):
he has a cup, if there's ice in the cup,
he is eating all of the ice. Hell, sometimes I'll
be like, do you want mine? He'll eat my ice too.
That has But his dentist always says he has great
home care.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So I saw this girl on Instagram. Maybe it was TikTok,
don't know. But she makes these little ice chips. They're
like teeny tiny, thin, thin layers of ice. Like the
way she freezes it is almost like a picture of
potato chip, but it's ice. And she puts them in
a bowl and she eats them like potato Chips' pregnant. No,
she just loves ice.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Is she iron deficient?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
The people who are iron deficient chew ice? Yeah? Really,
why I'm iron deficient and I don't crave ice?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Well, are you taking the supplement?
Speaker 3 (12:38):
No? I just got my blood work.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
You should get you something that is a thing. I
don't know the science behind it. But okay, does she.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Have I don't know this person.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Okay, I don't know if she had like a history
with the disordered eating or no.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
It just no, she looked like she just liked to
chew ice, like it was like her thing, like her
ice chips, like she was showing people. I guess the
video was it popped up in my page of like
making the ice chips, because it's not a big thick
like cube, it's a really thin like it just made
it easy to like pop them in her mouth. And
(13:12):
that's a lot of word tomp top.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Tom Shannon found about the gas. Yes, excessive consumption of
ice can lead to gas bloating in stomach discomfort. Chewing
ice can damage tooth and animal causing chips and cracked teeth,
which he doesn't have that which you would I guess
you would think. You mean, he'll I like like sonic
ice or chick fil a ice, like the little nuggets
(13:35):
he'll chew like a big old ice cube that comes
out of your home freezer.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
See, that's what I am. That's what I'm worried.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That's not satisfying to me.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
That seems yeah, damaging. And that's why this girl's chips.
Patrick might eat. Something you could do for him is
making these ice chips. He'd probably be like, I love you,
I don't care if you touch my underarm.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Okay, I'll make you these ice chips if I can
tickle your under arms whenever I want. Yeah, but I
don't think is it even trade off.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
I don't listen. Let me give Patrick some props here,
Like he has to be annoyed by something else, Like
is he just trying to be like husband of the
year and not say something very specifically about you, or
because Patrick is so laid back and cool, maybe he's
not annoyed like he does. He get annoyed when you
(14:24):
do like the silent treatment.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Well, I haven't done that in a long time, but
shout out. I don't think he gets annoyed when that happens.
It's this is not healthy, but it's usually because he
did something and he apologizes. He doesn't get like defensive,
you know, when people get mad at you for being
upset with them. He doesn't do that. He's very good
(14:52):
at like owning his stuff. But I do think because
I do think you're right, he's so laid back. Not
a lot of stuff anything bothers him, like even stuff
that I'm annoyed for him in his life. He's just
like so easy going about it. So I don't know.
But he also, like I've asked him before questions similar
(15:13):
like what's one item of clothing in my closet that
you hate and you wish I would get rid of?
And he'll answer it, so he is not trying to
like save my feelings because that actually kind of did
hurt my feeling.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
There's some fun games that Cat likes to play, like
so far we've learned that, you know, just on a
random evening, she might be like, so, what's the most
annoying thing I do? Or what's the ugliest thing in
my closet?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Well, I I think the closet thing was like an
Instagram that had like a bunch of questions to ask
your partner. Oh, the annoying thing was like I was
thinking about things that annoy me of him and I
was like, well, I want to be self aware, but
then I felt bad because he was like nothing, I
love everything about you.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Oh yeah, you're perfect, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
That's why I'm like, tell me, I want to better myself. Yeah, so, Patrick,
if you're listening, which I know you're not, you can
tell me.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
I feel like he has listened to some or does
he just see our instagrams?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
He sees the instagram but I make him watch them.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Okay, all right, well, Patrick, you need to quit chomping
on the ice. I don't want you to seat and
gas and bloating discomfort. Oh yeah, gas, bloating and discomfort.
Oh my, what's that? Oh pee is upset? Stomach? Die? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Okay, diarrhea doesn't bother you, but armpits does.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Yeah? Yeah, okay, Well, I mean it's it's not my
favorite diary. Is not my favorite thing to say, and
I don't think we should continue saying it because other
people might stop listening. But I just think when you
have an option like underarm, why go with arm pit?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
It does? Armpit sounds kind of.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
I just think I have a thing with under arms.
I don't know what it is, like, I'm always so
shocked when people are doing Get Ready with Me videos.
I'm fine, you want to put lotion on, you want
to like do your hair, your makeup, whatever. But some
people they're doing their full routine and under their shirt
they'll be like they'll grab their donorant and put denorant
on while they're on camera, and I get so uncomfortable.
(17:16):
Maybe I have I'm uncomfortable with underarms and deodorant, And
I don't know, like does that. Have you ever watched
that and thought that's so crazy they're putting deodour on
on camera.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I don't think I've ever knowed. I'm sure I've seen it,
but I don't think it's registered because it doesn't freak
me out.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I think how brave.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Or vulnerable or bold. They're not like lifting their shirts
up and no.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
But like this this one girl, I don't follow her,
so I can't even tell you her name, but she
pops up on my feet a lot. She's a doctor
and she's very funny, very smart, and she didn't get
Ready with me the other day doing this whole spiel
I mean, and yeah, in the very beginning of the video,
she put on deodorant and I was like, oh, like.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Be a challenge for you? Is put on deodorant on camera?
Speaker 3 (18:08):
No way? Uh uh I cannot, I don't. I'm realizing
this about myself. I've never said it out loud to
anybody until now, So I guess maybe I have a thing. Yeah, like,
what's my discomfort to it? Because we all all except
for i've sort of stopped. I told you I'm doing
(18:29):
which Hazel? Didn't I tell you it was?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
It worky you can get without mm hm.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
I just wipe with which witch, Hazel, and then I clean.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Well, you weren't wearing like I use deyodorant anyway.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
You were homemade Yeah, coconut.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Oh my gosh. Okay, Well, as long as it's working
for you and you haven't got any negative feedback.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Is anybody else like this like me with this? Or
am I the only one? Like? Hit me up? If
you also are like.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh, I wonder what another thing like that would be?
Speaker 3 (19:07):
That's the only one that really.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Like what do you say for bottom? But okay, that
does you say bottom?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
No?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
I just was trying to be under armed.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Oh like, what if I said to she buttocks, booty,
gluteus maximums.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
If you said that, I'd be like this too. Okay,
so you can say but I.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Can say but okay, but I can say all the
things I can. I like being uh correct in anatomy.
Like I think with kids, it's important to say the
body parts. I won't list them out, y'all know, but
I'm not going to be like, are your det or
your top? Like. I just think that we need to
say body parts with confidence so that they don't ever
(19:56):
feel weird about their body part.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Well, what's the anatomical word for armpit? Sorry?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Underarm?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Yeah? I don't know. Okay, maybe it's armpit, but I'm
good job. I know I said it with these but
after I sort of threw up.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
In my mouth. Okay, I not like it, so I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
But that's not a private part like I'm talking about
like private parts like, but in the other parts we
say those, we say this with confidence. Boobs gets a
little weird because breasts also, I cringe.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
With that word.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
But I feel like breast is the like chicken. Breast
doesn't bother me. But if someone's like I was watching
a video, this is switching tones because I don't want
to be laughing when I say this at all. But
obviously this recent arrest of the Dugger Joshua Dugger, who
already has a charge against him in Florida and now
(20:58):
there's new charges in Arkansas. All but because of this,
a video from like twenty fifteen or sixteen popped up
online of his parents talking about a time where it
was either him or josh or one of the brothers
who had gotten in trouble for inappropriately touching somebody one
(21:21):
of a girl in the house or whatever. They were
talking about the rules in their house, how nobody is
alone in rooms like, and they were referencing sort of
what had happened, and that she had her shirt on
and he sort of touched the outside and the dad
was like, yeah, the breast and I oh.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I was like, oh, but do you want him to say?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
No? I didn't. I don't know, chess. I don't know
what I wanted to say because it was a child like.
It just didn't because I just chess. So in that
context where he was trying to be correct about body parts,
the whole thing was just uncomfortable to watch because clearly,
I don't know what's going on, yeah in that family,
but there's some a lot, a lot happening. That is
(22:02):
for another totally different conversation. But even in that context
where it's like he's trying to say it correctly, it
just came out wrong. And then go to a totally
different thing. It could be like Bethany Frankel talking about
something else and her being like, oh, I don't know
my breast, and I'm like, oh, like, I don't.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Like Frankel would say bobe.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
She probably would, but I was trying to give a
polar opposite of the Duggers.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
So what about I was thinking, like a doctor, you
don't want the doctor to say boobe. You want the
doctor to say breast right.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That, yeah, because it's a breast exam.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Breast exam. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I mean, but yeah,
I get what you're saying, where like I'd rather I
don't that word. I would never It doesn't feel natural
coming out of my mouth.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Maybe now, so now this is perfect. Now you understand
That's why I feel about armpit.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Ok yeah, Okay, thank you, But I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
It right now. I'm trying to practice saying say it
if you don't like it, But that's how I feel
about that, Okay, Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Let's get to this other ear So this comes from
s she doesn't want us to reveal her whole name.
I don't know where she's from. Okay, Hey, Amy and
Kat quick question. Would love to hear your input. I'm
in a new relationship, just about a year in. We're
both in our early forties, and he has a seven
year old daughter from a previous marriage. I've never been married,
(23:23):
no kids of my own. He's been divorced for about
five years. He has split custody of his daughter, has
her a few evenings after work in every other weekend. Lately,
he's been having a tough time being away from his daughter,
especially because she's having a little difficulty in school and
he's missing being there for the week to help her
with her learning. I'm glad he can talk to me
(23:44):
about this and I listen with empathy, validate his feelings,
and try not to problem solve or answer with the
at least you see her during the week, etc. Any
advice on how I can best support him as he's
grieving the life he thought he'd have as a dad.
I know it must be so hard for him to
not be with his daughter every day, like how he
envisioned when he became a dad, which I get along
(24:05):
so well with his daughter, and that is such a blessing,
s so well.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
I can speak to this being that I have to
grieve the way my relationship looks with my kids. I
mean I had to grieve that even early on, Like
speaking of Kat being pregnant. We've talked about this even
when she announced it, like there's plenty of people with
fertility issues like you may. I grieved not being a
mom the way I thought I was going to be
(24:32):
a mom. And then now I'm grieving not only did
we end up adopting, which was a huge blessing, I'm
no longer grieving that I didn't get pregnant, but now
that Cat's pregnant, I kind of want to be pregnant
with her, Yeah, and that'd be so fun. And then
Bobby and Caylen just had their little baby. There's all
these just little babies. It's making me like, I don't
(24:55):
know if it's in the air, but just making me
want a baby. I just want to confirm as the
things that you're doing right, which you shared, I mean
you said that you're listening with empathy perfect as you
should or he should be very thankful that you're someone
that is able to do that. You're validating his feelings.
(25:17):
And then also I think being a year into a relationship,
I love that he feels safe with you and that
he can get vulnerable and open up. That's a really
healthy sign for your relationship, and like where y'all are
as a couple, because not everybody has that openness. I
think something else that you could do is asking him
(25:40):
what he needs in the moment, like if he wants
to talk about it or he just needs company. I
think that's something we've talked about a lot with our
kids if they have something going on, or our partners.
It may not be this exact scenario, but it's like,
what do you need from me right now? Because I
can listen, or I can also maybe try to offer
up some advice. But if you just simply ask him,
then it takes makes some pressure off. And then speaking
(26:03):
to the grief specifically, I think that he may feel alone.
I don't know if he has friends that have gone
through divorce or he has friends that are co parenting,
but it can feel really lonely. I know that I
have felt that at times, and every day he may
(26:24):
be experiencing some new feelings, and so naming some of
those feelings with him out loud can be really validating
and that it's very normal what he's feeling and going through,
and then knowing this isn't your problem to solve. I
think that it's something that he's going to have and
y'all can sit through it together, and you being there
present as support is enough. Not always having the right
(26:48):
words or something to say, but just simply being there
is helpful enough. And then when he does have time
for his daughter, I think celebrating the moments with him
genuinely and soaking them up and making memories and being
intentional and like even being a part of that planning
(27:09):
process with him, like, Ooh, what's something we could do today? Like,
I know he's got his daughter this weekend, and how
can I plan something special for all of us or
both of them to go do? Like I think that
that would be really really sweet if you came up
with something like because he probably he wants you to
be a part of it with him. But I don't know.
(27:31):
I'm not gonna stereotype guys here, but I think as women,
one of our gifts is sometimes we can think of
things that were more creative guys don't sometimes or just
like yeah, I mean he has a little girl. Yeah,
it's like, what are some do you have ideas? I'm
not saying this is black and white across the board,
so maybe I am. I'm just generalizing that you might
(27:54):
come up with something that he hasn't thought of yet
that would be a really fun, special memory that would
really fill up the tank, if you will, because you know,
we all have a tank, and it's probably easier for
him to I guess it's never easy to when you
have to send your kid back to the other parent,
but like if your tank is a little more full,
(28:16):
it makes the process less because you're like, man, that
was a really good day or that was a really
good weekend. I can't wait to have it again next
weekend or whenever. The next time is that he gets
to see her, And then that can sort of be
your role, and I think that that would be greatly
appreciated by him. Or even if you're like the camera girl,
(28:37):
like sneak little pictures of them when they don't know it,
like the candid moments, and then you could even print
those out for him and frame them and put them
up in his office or at the house, or surprise
him with that. Those are things you can do that
I think will really help him during this grieving process.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I love the picture idea because I do think that's
I mean, I'm kind of bad at this and I'm
a girl, but I do think I think men struggle
more with taking pictures regularly than we do, so, especially
if they're candid and you just have some cute shots
of them and then you surprise me. You just like
put a picture on his desk at work or something
I don't know that sounds really cute.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Yeah, and then he can be like, oh, yeah, that
was special, and then you're that's your way of coming
alongside him without it always having to be like this
advice or like oh I have the right words. It's
like you can show through actions and then being near
him because you're already, like I said, doing the the
(29:34):
validating of the feelings and the listening with empathy like
check check awesome, that's great. Yeah. These are yeah, little
extra things like as the partner, I mean, I don't
I mean, obviously my kids have had like support from
you know, my boyfriend or Ben's girlfriend, like their dad
(29:55):
has a girlfriend like it. I'm speaking to you as
the person who is green, but I'm also trying to
guide you as the significant other.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Yeah, of you've seen all the sides, and I think
it's hard. I mean, I haven't gone through this, but
I've experienced this in other ways when you want to
like fix something for somebody, like she just wants to
make it better, and sometimes we have to accept that
the best thing, and like, honestly, sometimes the right thing
still leaves us wanting more. Like you, I keep read,
(30:26):
going back and reading the part where it says that
she has stopped herself from saying at least you see
her during the week, and like that itself is a
feat to not invalid because that's very invalidating, right to
be like, well, you should just be grateful, that's the Oh,
just be grateful for this. You know that that's probably
doing a lot more than you think it is. Sometimes
(30:47):
we're just uncomfortable because we can't fix it.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Right. It makes you think at the time I told
my ex husband to man up, I did not by
my tongue on that one, but I asked for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Yeah, we all make mistakes.
Speaker 3 (31:04):
I learned like it was not. I'm just I don't know,
so I feel it shame even as it comes out
of my mouth. Now, however, if I can say this
right now and you're listening and you were thinking about saying.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
That to your man tonight, now you won't do not.
If I can say one person, yes.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Do not do not say that, it will It is
not helpful at all.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Sometimes did it feel good when it came out?
Speaker 3 (31:32):
I'm sure it did, Okay, I am sure long.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Term it was a short term solution that created a
long term problem.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, I definitely, especially the way no, I one of
my and I'm not your best man. I'm my best moment,
not a proud moment and not my best moment. But
now I can share with others so that you do
not do as I did. But good luck with that, s,
you're doing great. And yay for finding a relationship in
(32:02):
your forties. It's rough out there, Okay. Well, and then
we'll close with this because Shannon found the anatomical word
for under arm slash armpit, and it is the axala.
It's the area located between your chest and your upper arm.
So we could say the.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Axala, how does that feel coming out of your mouth.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Axilla feels fine. I have no weird feelings about Axela.
It's just that if people want to apply to the
odor into their Axila on video, that.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
I'm gonna have a problem.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Like I'm gonna have a problem. All right, Well, hit
us up. We love hearing from y'all. You can email
us hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com, or
call us. We had some good voicemails this week that
we played on the Feeling Things episode on Tuesday. If
you miss that, go back and listen, but we'd love
to hear from you. Eight seven seven two oh seven
(32:56):
two oh seven seven. All of the number and emails
also in the show show notes if you didn't memorize
that just now and we uh, we hope this for you.
I don't never know how to get into the you
think I's say it. Well, okay, have the day you can.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
We hope you.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
We hope you have the day.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
You do this all the time, all of a sudden
you are awkward about it. We hope this for you.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
We hope you, We hope you have the day you
need to have.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Bye bye,
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:10):
Good a right, break it down.
Speaker 1 (00:13):
If you ever have feelings that you.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
Just fulsome Amy and Cat gotcha, Cob and locking a brother,
Ladies and felas you just follow Anna spirit where it's
all go phone over real stuff to the chill stuff
and the m but sway. Sometimes the best thing you
can do it just stop you feel things. This is
(00:35):
Feeling Things with.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
Amy and Kat.
Speaker 3 (00:38):
Happy Thursday, Welcome to Couch Talks, our Q and a
episode to the Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm
Kat and we have a few emails we're gonna go
over today. The first one is just for fun, just
a little, just a little findom fun. If you are
new to the podcast. Something we have talked about in
the past is findom, which is financial domination. It's just
(01:00):
a little.
Speaker 4 (01:01):
Extracurricular activity some people to participate in like a career,
a romantic activity, or a side hustle or full blown.
It could be a full hustle career as Kat just said,
someone emailed us, Hey, are you interested?
Speaker 3 (01:16):
I am real and serious. Please, I would love to
pay for your luxury. Just please give me a chance.
We'd love to get you some nice designer to start with.
Please just try it once. We can move on if
it's not what you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (01:31):
And I'm thinking, well, this was actually somebody who would
emailed us before. This is a follow up, right.
Speaker 3 (01:37):
So it's a This is more of a now I'm begging, yeah,
to be your pay peig just they they are begging
to buy us nice designer things, yes, and we're just
like nah. I mean, obviously it's day I don't want
to get involved in because it could be dangerous. It
could be very dangerous. I'm not saying if you're listening
(01:58):
right now, I'm not implying you are dangerous emailer, but
we you cannot be too cautious.
Speaker 1 (02:04):
Do you think this was a listener or do you
think they just saw our Instagram reel?
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Okay, I hope they just saw the Instagram reel.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
But we all also might have listeners, maybe dissipate in
this maybe interesting.
Speaker 3 (02:19):
Moving on to an email with a little more substance
to it. This is from Liz and Cat. This is
for you, she said, Kat, and then she put an
amy in parentheses. But it's definitely for you. And I
think that this email is awesome and I love it
so much. It's wisdom for you if y'all missed it.
Last week, Kat announced that she is with child. Mm hmm,
(02:44):
she's pregnant. If you know, probably every episode we're gonna
be talking about it. Talked about it last week, talked
about it t weekday.
Speaker 1 (02:50):
Because it's gonna get annoying, you know.
Speaker 3 (02:52):
But no, it's like part of your No, this is
part of your life right now.
Speaker 1 (02:56):
Yeah, but you know when like, I don't want that
to be my new personality, you know. Okay, so we'll
talk about it a lot. I'm not say we don't
have to talk about it, but I don't want everybody
to be like, oh, here's Kat's pregnancy update again.
Speaker 3 (03:09):
Okay, Well, this is definitely advice or Cat becoming a mom.
But if that annoys you. Coming up after that, we
have we have an email about someone that is now
with someone who's been divorced and has a child, and
she's got a question navigating part of their relationship and
(03:31):
how her partner is dealing with that, and I am
a co parent. I'm a divorced mom, so maybe you're
in a divorce. Something for everybody, something for everybody. We
got finndom, we got mom advice, and we've got divorce
grieving the loss of time you may have thought you
(03:54):
had with your child, because when you get divorced, if
you're co parenting, you only have them a certain amount
of time, which for me is fifty to fifty. And
I feel well, I'll wait about yeah, wait, I'll save
my thoughts for when we get to that email. First,
let's share this sweet note we got from Liz. I
just heard Kat's news. OMG so exciting, and I wanted
(04:15):
to pass along another bit of mom advice, which I'm
sure you're already getting a ton and this is unsolicited,
so please forgive me for that. When you have kids,
there seems to be some sort of warning sent by
other parents going through it that usually starts with just wait,
followed by a barrage of terrifying or frustrating or inconvenient
(04:35):
things about being parents. Just wait till she's a teenager,
or just wait until they start teething, or just wait
until they're up all night I wanted to give you
some counter just weights, so that you can get a
sense of the joy and love you're about to experience.
Just wait until you can feel the weight of your
(04:56):
newborn on your chest. They smell so good and they're
so cuddly. Just wait until they say I love you
for the first time. Just wait until they are three
and you can go for bagels together and chit chat
like a couple of galpals. Just wait until you get
to learn all their preferences and likes and dislikes that
will be so different than yours, like blue Moon ice
(05:17):
cream is my daughter's favorite yuck. Just wait until they're
eleven and you can stay up late and eat a
bowl of cereal together and giggle and have the best
time together. Parenting little people can be hard, but every
day is full of tiny, little, mundane moments that are
so special. You will be the best mom. I am
expecting my third this fall. When you're up in the
(05:38):
middle of the night, know that moms all over are
also up rocking babies in the dark, me included. You
might feel isolated at that moment, but you're not alone.
You're part of a tiny little community connected by maternal
love and care and common experience. Just wait, it's going
to be better than you ever imagined. Liz from Wisconsin.
(05:59):
So sweet, cry Cat's emotional.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Well, and it's so true too. I've already gotten the
just wait right now. It's just about like pregnancy, Like
I'm feeling this. People are like, just wait until this happens,
or this happens, and this time is that. I'm like,
oh my gosh, it's feels so negative sometimes, But I
also get that people are probably just it's like they're
a way of expressing there. I don't know, frustrations are
(06:27):
how it was hard for them. They aren't. They aren't
meaning it to scare me. Maybe I'm trying.
Speaker 3 (06:34):
I think venting a little bit. I mean, I feel
like I do that sometimes even though I didn't have
a biological experience, I am sort of thinking, oh shoot.
Sometimes with my adoption, we've experienced certain hurdles and challenges
where some people may share with me they're thinking about adopting,
and I'm like, oh, just wait, because hey, you might
(06:58):
experience this, this this, so make sure that you're ready
for it. And so I hope that I haven't been
discouraging in a way. Certainly not my intent. So I
think I get where these other parents are coming from.
Like it's just like, oh yeah, there's beautiful moments, but
also oh yeah, yeah when they're up all night or
when they're teething, or but I do appreciate this perspective,
and I thought it was a really sweet note of
(07:19):
encouragement to you. And then I was like, dang, my
mom didn't stay up late at night with me eating
cereal and giggling and having the best time. My mom did, Okay,
but I'm like I kind of want to do that. Yeah,
so this sounds like a cool mom, you.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Can do it with I almost said our baby, Well.
Speaker 3 (07:40):
I can do it. Well, you sure I can eat
cereal or even Stevenson for that matter, like eat cereal.
She's just almost nineteen. Yeah, so I guess it's never
too late to do. No, that's sort of stuff at all.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
I will say, I'm okay with like feedback and like
you're saying, sometimes you want to warn somebody or make
sure somebody's thought about something. I'm I appreciate that. I
think it's when it starts with somebody's like I'm pregnant
and people are like, oh, just wait, versus I'm pregnant, congratulations,
you have so much to look forward to, and then
throughout the conversation you hear those other parts. Yeah, or some.
Speaker 3 (08:16):
People will be like, oh my gosh, Like if it's
not a baby, They're like, I just got engaged, I'm
getting married.
Speaker 1 (08:21):
Just wait, yeah, yes, yeah, oh I'll.
Speaker 3 (08:23):
Wait till yeah he does this, or you're living with
him and then you have to do this, and so
negative it is. Yeah, what else do we just wait
to someone?
Speaker 1 (08:34):
I mean maybe like starting a new job or putting
it I mean with kids, and I think about like
putting them in daycare or stuff like that.
Speaker 3 (08:44):
Yeah, I mean, I think I'm definitely going to keep
this in mind when I'm opening my mouth if someone's
experiencing something like, I wonder if I just naturally go
to it.
Speaker 1 (08:54):
I'm sure I do it too in some places now
I'm thinking, like where do I do that? But I
do think because I recently did get married, that was
a big thing getting married, people are like, Jess, wait,
even through like not just being married, it was like
the wedding planning process. And I loved planning my wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:10):
Like you loved it, like you speaking of our next
emails coming above about grieving something like I think you're
grieving the fact that you don't have a wedding to
plan anymore.
Speaker 1 (09:18):
Sometimes I asked Patrick, I'm like, should we break up
so we can have another wedding?
Speaker 3 (09:24):
And he's like, uh no, I gotta say though, your
wedding was a lot of fun, like y'all really like
the reception part was fun and you did what you wanted.
You were like, oh, we're not really into cake, so
we're going to do ice cream.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (09:41):
I love that.
Speaker 1 (09:42):
Yeah, Yeah, I loved planning it. I wish I had another.
I think it might be different when it's your wedding.
Speaker 3 (09:49):
Maybe you just need to do like if you want
to do a five or a ten year anniversary party
or something, not another not breakup so you can have
another wedding.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Okay, I'm kind of kidding.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
I also don't think you and Patrick have hit that,
and maybe you never will, but like that just wait,
like y'all have been married two years, but you feel
very newly wettish.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
I did ask him last night, what is my most
annoying habit? And I asked him because I was thinking
about his most annoying habit.
Speaker 3 (10:24):
Well, so are you gonna share?
Speaker 1 (10:26):
He said? What did he say? Oh? He said when
I like he doesn't like to be touched in his armpits.
Speaker 3 (10:33):
Well, first of all, I hate the word armpit.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I forgot about that. I'm sorry, what do you call it?
Under under arms? Okay, I know, I just said.
Speaker 3 (10:41):
Okay, So he doesn't like it when you tickle his underarm.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
He doesn't like it when I touch his underarm? Why
don't you tickle him sometimes? Why do you touch if
I'm like laying on him or something. Sometimes it's accidental.
Sometimes I do on purpose, just to like, But sometimes
I'm like, just get too close, and he's always like,
watch it, watch your fingers. He said, that is my
most annoying trait. And I was shocked because I have
(11:06):
so many more annoying traits than that. You know, well,
that's kind of awesome.
Speaker 3 (11:11):
If the most annoying thing about you is not really
about you, it's like something you do. It's not like, oh,
the way you swallow or the way you like when
you chew.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Well, I said, his was when you choose ice.
Speaker 3 (11:26):
Do you think that's because you're pregnant and your hormones
are all.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
This has been our whole This started years ago.
Speaker 3 (11:32):
Well didn't he know you're not supposed to chew ice?
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yes, because it's battery and it's I guess it gives
you gas. It does, Yeah, because you're swallowing a lot
of air. I did not know that. Yeah, well, okay,
that could be an urban lapon. I've been told that.
But it just is annoying because he if you get
it doesn't matter if you're at a restaurant, if you
have a fast food drink, if you're at home and
(11:55):
he has a cup, if there's ice in the cup,
he is eating all of the ice. Hell, sometimes I'll
be like, do you want mine? He'll eat my ice too.
That has But his dentist always says he has great
home care.
Speaker 3 (12:07):
So I saw this girl on Instagram. Maybe it was TikTok,
don't know. But she makes these little ice chips. They're
like teeny tiny, thin, thin layers of ice. Like the
way she freezes it is almost like a picture of
potato chip, but it's ice. And she puts them in
a bowl and she eats them like potato Chips' pregnant. No,
she just loves ice.
Speaker 1 (12:28):
Is she iron deficient?
Speaker 3 (12:31):
The people who are iron deficient chew ice? Yeah? Really,
why I'm iron deficient and I don't crave ice?
Speaker 1 (12:37):
Well, are you taking the supplement?
Speaker 3 (12:38):
No? I just got my blood work.
Speaker 1 (12:41):
You should get you something that is a thing. I
don't know the science behind it. But okay, does she.
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Have I don't know this person.
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Okay, I don't know if she had like a history
with the disordered eating or no.
Speaker 3 (12:52):
It just no, she looked like she just liked to
chew ice, like it was like her thing, like her
ice chips, like she was showing people. I guess the
video was it popped up in my page of like
making the ice chips, because it's not a big thick
like cube, it's a really thin like it just made
it easy to like pop them in her mouth. And
(13:12):
that's a lot of word tomp top.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Tom Shannon found about the gas. Yes, excessive consumption of
ice can lead to gas bloating in stomach discomfort. Chewing
ice can damage tooth and animal causing chips and cracked teeth,
which he doesn't have that which you would I guess
you would think. You mean, he'll I like like sonic
ice or chick fil a ice, like the little nuggets
(13:35):
he'll chew like a big old ice cube that comes
out of your home freezer.
Speaker 2 (13:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (13:39):
See, that's what I am. That's what I'm worried.
Speaker 1 (13:41):
That's not satisfying to me.
Speaker 3 (13:42):
That seems yeah, damaging. And that's why this girl's chips.
Patrick might eat. Something you could do for him is
making these ice chips. He'd probably be like, I love you,
I don't care if you touch my underarm.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
Okay, I'll make you these ice chips if I can
tickle your under arms whenever I want. Yeah, but I
don't think is it even trade off.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
I don't listen. Let me give Patrick some props here,
Like he has to be annoyed by something else, Like
is he just trying to be like husband of the
year and not say something very specifically about you, or
because Patrick is so laid back and cool, maybe he's
not annoyed like he does. He get annoyed when you
(14:24):
do like the silent treatment.
Speaker 1 (14:28):
Well, I haven't done that in a long time, but
shout out. I don't think he gets annoyed when that happens.
It's this is not healthy, but it's usually because he
did something and he apologizes. He doesn't get like defensive,
you know, when people get mad at you for being
upset with them. He doesn't do that. He's very good
(14:52):
at like owning his stuff. But I do think because
I do think you're right, he's so laid back. Not
a lot of stuff anything bothers him, like even stuff
that I'm annoyed for him in his life. He's just
like so easy going about it. So I don't know.
But he also, like I've asked him before questions similar
(15:13):
like what's one item of clothing in my closet that
you hate and you wish I would get rid of?
And he'll answer it, so he is not trying to
like save my feelings because that actually kind of did
hurt my feeling.
Speaker 3 (15:23):
There's some fun games that Cat likes to play, like
so far we've learned that, you know, just on a
random evening, she might be like, so, what's the most
annoying thing I do? Or what's the ugliest thing in
my closet?
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Well, I I think the closet thing was like an
Instagram that had like a bunch of questions to ask
your partner. Oh, the annoying thing was like I was
thinking about things that annoy me of him and I
was like, well, I want to be self aware, but
then I felt bad because he was like nothing, I
love everything about you.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
Oh yeah, you're perfect, but I'm not.
Speaker 1 (15:57):
That's why I'm like, tell me, I want to better myself. Yeah, so, Patrick,
if you're listening, which I know you're not, you can
tell me.
Speaker 3 (16:05):
I feel like he has listened to some or does
he just see our instagrams?
Speaker 1 (16:09):
He sees the instagram but I make him watch them.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Okay, all right, well, Patrick, you need to quit chomping
on the ice. I don't want you to seat and
gas and bloating discomfort. Oh yeah, gas, bloating and discomfort.
Oh my, what's that? Oh pee is upset? Stomach? Die? Yeah?
Speaker 1 (16:29):
Okay, diarrhea doesn't bother you, but armpits does.
Speaker 3 (16:33):
Yeah? Yeah, okay, Well, I mean it's it's not my
favorite diary. Is not my favorite thing to say, and
I don't think we should continue saying it because other
people might stop listening. But I just think when you
have an option like underarm, why go with arm pit?
Speaker 1 (16:51):
It does? Armpit sounds kind of.
Speaker 3 (16:54):
I just think I have a thing with under arms.
I don't know what it is, like, I'm always so
shocked when people are doing Get Ready with Me videos.
I'm fine, you want to put lotion on, you want
to like do your hair, your makeup, whatever. But some
people they're doing their full routine and under their shirt
they'll be like they'll grab their donorant and put denorant
on while they're on camera, and I get so uncomfortable.
(17:16):
Maybe I have I'm uncomfortable with underarms and deodorant, And
I don't know, like does that. Have you ever watched
that and thought that's so crazy they're putting deodour on
on camera.
Speaker 1 (17:28):
I don't think I've ever knowed. I'm sure I've seen it,
but I don't think it's registered because it doesn't freak
me out.
Speaker 3 (17:33):
I think how brave.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
Or vulnerable or bold. They're not like lifting their shirts
up and no.
Speaker 3 (17:44):
But like this this one girl, I don't follow her,
so I can't even tell you her name, but she
pops up on my feet a lot. She's a doctor
and she's very funny, very smart, and she didn't get
Ready with me the other day doing this whole spiel
I mean, and yeah, in the very beginning of the video,
she put on deodorant and I was like, oh, like.
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Be a challenge for you? Is put on deodorant on camera?
Speaker 3 (18:08):
No way? Uh uh I cannot, I don't. I'm realizing
this about myself. I've never said it out loud to
anybody until now, So I guess maybe I have a thing. Yeah, like,
what's my discomfort to it? Because we all all except
for i've sort of stopped. I told you I'm doing
(18:29):
which Hazel? Didn't I tell you it was?
Speaker 1 (18:32):
It worky you can get without mm hm.
Speaker 3 (18:36):
I just wipe with which witch, Hazel, and then I clean.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Well, you weren't wearing like I use deyodorant anyway.
Speaker 3 (18:44):
You were homemade Yeah, coconut.
Speaker 1 (18:48):
Oh my gosh. Okay, Well, as long as it's working
for you and you haven't got any negative feedback.
Speaker 3 (18:54):
Is anybody else like this like me with this? Or
am I the only one? Like? Hit me up? If
you also are like.
Speaker 1 (19:02):
Oh, I wonder what another thing like that would be?
Speaker 3 (19:07):
That's the only one that really.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
Like what do you say for bottom? But okay, that
does you say bottom?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
No?
Speaker 1 (19:18):
I just was trying to be under armed.
Speaker 3 (19:21):
Oh like, what if I said to she buttocks, booty,
gluteus maximums.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
If you said that, I'd be like this too. Okay,
so you can say but I.
Speaker 3 (19:34):
Can say but okay, but I can say all the
things I can. I like being uh correct in anatomy.
Like I think with kids, it's important to say the
body parts. I won't list them out, y'all know, but
I'm not going to be like, are your det or
your top? Like. I just think that we need to
say body parts with confidence so that they don't ever
(19:56):
feel weird about their body part.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Well, what's the anatomical word for armpit? Sorry?
Speaker 3 (20:05):
Underarm?
Speaker 1 (20:06):
Is it?
Speaker 3 (20:07):
Yeah? I don't know. Okay, maybe it's armpit, but I'm
good job. I know I said it with these but
after I sort of threw up.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
In my mouth. Okay, I not like it, so I
don't know.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
But that's not a private part like I'm talking about
like private parts like, but in the other parts we
say those, we say this with confidence. Boobs gets a
little weird because breasts also, I cringe.
Speaker 2 (20:32):
With that word.
Speaker 3 (20:35):
But I feel like breast is the like chicken. Breast
doesn't bother me. But if someone's like I was watching
a video, this is switching tones because I don't want
to be laughing when I say this at all. But
obviously this recent arrest of the Dugger Joshua Dugger, who
already has a charge against him in Florida and now
(20:58):
there's new charges in Arkansas. All but because of this,
a video from like twenty fifteen or sixteen popped up
online of his parents talking about a time where it
was either him or josh or one of the brothers
who had gotten in trouble for inappropriately touching somebody one
(21:21):
of a girl in the house or whatever. They were
talking about the rules in their house, how nobody is
alone in rooms like, and they were referencing sort of
what had happened, and that she had her shirt on
and he sort of touched the outside and the dad
was like, yeah, the breast and I oh.
Speaker 1 (21:37):
I was like, oh, but do you want him to say?
Speaker 3 (21:40):
No? I didn't. I don't know, chess. I don't know
what I wanted to say because it was a child like.
It just didn't because I just chess. So in that
context where he was trying to be correct about body parts,
the whole thing was just uncomfortable to watch because clearly,
I don't know what's going on, yeah in that family,
but there's some a lot, a lot happening. That is
(22:02):
for another totally different conversation. But even in that context
where it's like he's trying to say it correctly, it
just came out wrong. And then go to a totally
different thing. It could be like Bethany Frankel talking about
something else and her being like, oh, I don't know
my breast, and I'm like, oh, like, I don't.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Like Frankel would say bobe.
Speaker 3 (22:22):
She probably would, but I was trying to give a
polar opposite of the Duggers.
Speaker 1 (22:27):
So what about I was thinking, like a doctor, you
don't want the doctor to say boobe. You want the
doctor to say breast right.
Speaker 3 (22:34):
That, yeah, because it's a breast exam.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
Breast exam. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, but I mean, but yeah,
I get what you're saying, where like I'd rather I
don't that word. I would never It doesn't feel natural
coming out of my mouth.
Speaker 3 (22:45):
Maybe now, so now this is perfect. Now you understand
That's why I feel about armpit.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Ok yeah, Okay, thank you, But I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (22:53):
It right now. I'm trying to practice saying say it
if you don't like it, But that's how I feel
about that, Okay, Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:59):
Let's get to this other ear So this comes from
s she doesn't want us to reveal her whole name.
I don't know where she's from. Okay, Hey, Amy and
Kat quick question. Would love to hear your input. I'm
in a new relationship, just about a year in. We're
both in our early forties, and he has a seven
year old daughter from a previous marriage. I've never been married,
(23:23):
no kids of my own. He's been divorced for about
five years. He has split custody of his daughter, has
her a few evenings after work in every other weekend. Lately,
he's been having a tough time being away from his daughter,
especially because she's having a little difficulty in school and
he's missing being there for the week to help her
with her learning. I'm glad he can talk to me
(23:44):
about this and I listen with empathy, validate his feelings,
and try not to problem solve or answer with the
at least you see her during the week, etc. Any
advice on how I can best support him as he's
grieving the life he thought he'd have as a dad.
I know it must be so hard for him to
not be with his daughter every day, like how he
envisioned when he became a dad, which I get along
(24:05):
so well with his daughter, and that is such a blessing,
s so well.
Speaker 3 (24:11):
I can speak to this being that I have to
grieve the way my relationship looks with my kids. I
mean I had to grieve that even early on, Like
speaking of Kat being pregnant. We've talked about this even
when she announced it, like there's plenty of people with
fertility issues like you may. I grieved not being a
mom the way I thought I was going to be
(24:32):
a mom. And then now I'm grieving not only did
we end up adopting, which was a huge blessing, I'm
no longer grieving that I didn't get pregnant, but now
that Cat's pregnant, I kind of want to be pregnant
with her, Yeah, and that'd be so fun. And then
Bobby and Caylen just had their little baby. There's all
these just little babies. It's making me like, I don't
(24:55):
know if it's in the air, but just making me
want a baby. I just want to confirm as the
things that you're doing right, which you shared, I mean
you said that you're listening with empathy perfect as you
should or he should be very thankful that you're someone
that is able to do that. You're validating his feelings.
(25:17):
And then also I think being a year into a relationship,
I love that he feels safe with you and that
he can get vulnerable and open up. That's a really
healthy sign for your relationship, and like where y'all are
as a couple, because not everybody has that openness. I
think something else that you could do is asking him
(25:40):
what he needs in the moment, like if he wants
to talk about it or he just needs company. I
think that's something we've talked about a lot with our
kids if they have something going on, or our partners.
It may not be this exact scenario, but it's like,
what do you need from me right now? Because I
can listen, or I can also maybe try to offer
up some advice. But if you just simply ask him,
then it takes makes some pressure off. And then speaking
(26:03):
to the grief specifically, I think that he may feel alone.
I don't know if he has friends that have gone
through divorce or he has friends that are co parenting,
but it can feel really lonely. I know that I
have felt that at times, and every day he may
(26:24):
be experiencing some new feelings, and so naming some of
those feelings with him out loud can be really validating
and that it's very normal what he's feeling and going through,
and then knowing this isn't your problem to solve. I
think that it's something that he's going to have and
y'all can sit through it together, and you being there
present as support is enough. Not always having the right
(26:48):
words or something to say, but just simply being there
is helpful enough. And then when he does have time
for his daughter, I think celebrating the moments with him
genuinely and soaking them up and making memories and being
intentional and like even being a part of that planning
(27:09):
process with him, like, Ooh, what's something we could do today? Like,
I know he's got his daughter this weekend, and how
can I plan something special for all of us or
both of them to go do? Like I think that
that would be really really sweet if you came up
with something like because he probably he wants you to
be a part of it with him. But I don't know.
(27:31):
I'm not gonna stereotype guys here, but I think as women,
one of our gifts is sometimes we can think of
things that were more creative guys don't sometimes or just
like yeah, I mean he has a little girl. Yeah,
it's like, what are some do you have ideas? I'm
not saying this is black and white across the board,
so maybe I am. I'm just generalizing that you might
(27:54):
come up with something that he hasn't thought of yet
that would be a really fun, special memory that would
really fill up the tank, if you will, because you know,
we all have a tank, and it's probably easier for
him to I guess it's never easy to when you
have to send your kid back to the other parent,
but like if your tank is a little more full,
(28:16):
it makes the process less because you're like, man, that
was a really good day or that was a really
good weekend. I can't wait to have it again next
weekend or whenever. The next time is that he gets
to see her, And then that can sort of be
your role, and I think that that would be greatly
appreciated by him. Or even if you're like the camera girl,
(28:37):
like sneak little pictures of them when they don't know it,
like the candid moments, and then you could even print
those out for him and frame them and put them
up in his office or at the house, or surprise
him with that. Those are things you can do that
I think will really help him during this grieving process.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
I love the picture idea because I do think that's
I mean, I'm kind of bad at this and I'm
a girl, but I do think I think men struggle
more with taking pictures regularly than we do, so, especially
if they're candid and you just have some cute shots
of them and then you surprise me. You just like
put a picture on his desk at work or something
I don't know that sounds really cute.
Speaker 3 (29:13):
Yeah, and then he can be like, oh, yeah, that
was special, and then you're that's your way of coming
alongside him without it always having to be like this
advice or like oh I have the right words. It's
like you can show through actions and then being near
him because you're already, like I said, doing the the
(29:34):
validating of the feelings and the listening with empathy like
check check awesome, that's great. Yeah. These are yeah, little
extra things like as the partner, I mean, I don't
I mean, obviously my kids have had like support from
you know, my boyfriend or Ben's girlfriend, like their dad
(29:55):
has a girlfriend like it. I'm speaking to you as
the person who is green, but I'm also trying to
guide you as the significant other.
Speaker 1 (30:03):
Yeah, of you've seen all the sides, and I think
it's hard. I mean, I haven't gone through this, but
I've experienced this in other ways when you want to
like fix something for somebody, like she just wants to
make it better, and sometimes we have to accept that
the best thing, and like, honestly, sometimes the right thing
still leaves us wanting more. Like you, I keep read,
(30:26):
going back and reading the part where it says that
she has stopped herself from saying at least you see
her during the week, and like that itself is a
feat to not invalid because that's very invalidating, right to
be like, well, you should just be grateful, that's the Oh,
just be grateful for this. You know that that's probably
doing a lot more than you think it is. Sometimes
(30:47):
we're just uncomfortable because we can't fix it.
Speaker 3 (30:49):
Right. It makes you think at the time I told
my ex husband to man up, I did not by
my tongue on that one, but I asked for forgiveness.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Yeah, we all make mistakes.
Speaker 3 (31:04):
I learned like it was not. I'm just I don't know,
so I feel it shame even as it comes out
of my mouth. Now, however, if I can say this
right now and you're listening and you were thinking about saying.
Speaker 1 (31:16):
That to your man tonight, now you won't do not.
If I can say one person, yes.
Speaker 3 (31:24):
Do not do not say that, it will It is
not helpful at all.
Speaker 1 (31:30):
Sometimes did it feel good when it came out?
Speaker 3 (31:32):
I'm sure it did, Okay, I am sure long.
Speaker 1 (31:35):
Term it was a short term solution that created a
long term problem.
Speaker 3 (31:38):
Yeah, I definitely, especially the way no, I one of
my and I'm not your best man. I'm my best moment,
not a proud moment and not my best moment. But
now I can share with others so that you do
not do as I did. But good luck with that, s,
you're doing great. And yay for finding a relationship in
(32:02):
your forties. It's rough out there, Okay. Well, and then
we'll close with this because Shannon found the anatomical word
for under arm slash armpit, and it is the axala.
It's the area located between your chest and your upper arm.
So we could say the.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Axala, how does that feel coming out of your mouth.
Speaker 3 (32:24):
Axilla feels fine. I have no weird feelings about Axela.
It's just that if people want to apply to the
odor into their Axila on video, that.
Speaker 1 (32:33):
I'm gonna have a problem.
Speaker 3 (32:35):
Like I'm gonna have a problem. All right, Well, hit
us up. We love hearing from y'all. You can email
us hey, they're at Feeling Things podcast dot com, or
call us. We had some good voicemails this week that
we played on the Feeling Things episode on Tuesday. If
you miss that, go back and listen, but we'd love
to hear from you. Eight seven seven two oh seven
(32:56):
two oh seven seven. All of the number and emails
also in the show show notes if you didn't memorize
that just now and we uh, we hope this for you.
I don't never know how to get into the you
think I's say it. Well, okay, have the day you can.
Speaker 1 (33:16):
We hope you.
Speaker 3 (33:18):
We hope you have the day.
Speaker 1 (33:22):
You do this all the time, all of a sudden
you are awkward about it. We hope this for you.
Speaker 3 (33:30):
We hope you, We hope you have the day you
need to have.
Speaker 1 (33:35):
Bye bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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