A listener named Hanna emailed about being the person everyone in her family calls to vent and how completely draining it has become. Amy and Kat talk through what it actually looks like to set boundaries with the people you love most without the guilt spiral that follows. It is okay to let someone down. They will survive. Plus Grace from Alaska calls in with the perfect "yes and" solution to the no shoe household debate. And a random fact we learn: some airports have UV light systems on escalator handrails that kill over 99% of bacteria and viruses.
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HOSTS:
Amy Brown // RadioAmy.com // @RadioAmy
Kat Van Buren // threecordstherapy.com // @KatVanburen
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Break it down. If you ever have feelings that you
just falls home, Amy and Cat gotcha covin locking, no
brother ladies and felons, do you just follow an the
spirit where it's all front and real stuff to the
chill stuff and the m but Swayne, Sometimes the best
thing you can do it jes stop you feel things.
(00:35):
This is Feeling Things.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
With Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
Welcome to Couch Talks, the Q and a episode to
our Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat, and
we're going to start out of the gate with a
voicemail about no shoe households because we talked about that recently.
And I love that she got all therapeutic.
Speaker 5 (00:57):
She gave us a taste of our I was gonna
say she gave us a taste of our own medicine.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
We have to remind ourselves often to yes and life,
and she gave us a yes and to being a
no shoe household. I guess I have approached not wearing
shoes in the house as very very black and white,
which makes.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
It very very difficult to do it.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
Yeah, ever since we talked about it too, By the way,
more stuff pops up on my algorithm, Like this video
pops up on my phone just yesterday, and it was like,
do you like to bring public restroom grime into your home?
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Because, like me, that's what you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It's like a foot like with toilet paper hanging from it,
like walking through the bathroom. But then suddenly you're in
your living room walking on a rug or the carpet,
and it's the same.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Shoe that was also stepping in dog you know what.
Speaker 5 (01:50):
I get that, and in my head when I walk
into my house, my shoes are clean.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
When I address that, the video addressed that, He's like, oh,
you think oftentimes your shoes look clean, but the type
of bacteria that is on here can live for up
to three weeks.
Speaker 5 (02:08):
I don't even I'm not even saying my shoes look clean.
I'm saying like I have magical thinking that when I
walk inside, it's like I've never walked into a public
restroom before.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
You know, I did.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Look online for these wands that I saw someone using
online where you wand your shoes. So you said magical thinking,
and it made me think of this magical wand and
it's like a blue light that you wave across your
shoe and it kills any bacteria. But I could not,
for the life of me figure out if it was
safe or not. Like they sell these lights, but I don't.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Want I don't know anything safe.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Are thinking?
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Like?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Is that a scam?
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Oh? Like does it really?
Speaker 5 (02:51):
Well?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I think you can test.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
You know, they sell things you can put your toothbrush in,
or your retainer in, or your cell phone in little
cases that will bacteria.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Yeah, wait to your point, are they real? Do they
really work? I haven't bought them, but.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Well, should we play this voicemail?
Speaker 5 (03:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Yeah, yeah, Sorry I got a little sidetracked, but I'm
thinking of what's popping up in my algorithm now. His
voice was very scary, yeah, fearful, like it was meant
to ignite fear with the way he was dramatically speaking
about the bacteria on the bottom of our shoes. So anyway,
if you're considering becoming a no shoe household, we're going
to take advice here from Grace who grew up in
(03:33):
a no shoe household. So here's the voicemail.
Speaker 6 (03:36):
Hey, Amy and Kat, this is Grace in Alaska and
I just listened to your Couch Talks episode and you
guys were talking about having a no shoes household, and
I just wanted to pop on the hotline and share
that I live in a no shoes household. And you guys,
especially Amy, were saying it's a struggle because you always
(03:57):
forget something when you get to the car. But I
think this is a good opportunity to use your guys's
mantra of yes and and I would say, you can
have a no shoes household where most of the time
you don't wear shoes, and then if you forget something,
you can wear your shoes to go get the thing.
So yes, it can be a no shoes household. And
(04:19):
if you forget something, not to worry about it. Yeah.
I just thought i'd leave that note, love listening and
have the day you need to have.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Oh well, she says she lives in a no shoe household.
I was thinking she grew up in one, but honestly,
we don't know how old Grace.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Is so much. She could be twelve years old.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
She's not twelve. I think we should be able to
tell from her voice, but.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
She could be eighteen nineteen.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Maybe we start making that a thing like tell us.
You know, people say their name where they're from, they say.
Speaker 5 (04:47):
Have the day.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
You need to have your friend da da dah who
we want their age? Throw it in if you want,
Throw it in if you want. I like to know.
We have a range.
Speaker 4 (04:56):
I know we have some younger kids that listen I
don't know how young, maybe twelve, and then we have.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
They're listening because their mom's listening exactly.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
And then we have eighty year olds yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
And we have everything in between. So that just might
be a fun thing. If you feel comfortable, just throw
it in.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
Okay, can I ask one question about this before we
move on to it or move on to another email?
If you're going to do this, So let's say you're
going to take her advice and you're gonna be like, Okay,
I've always wanted to have a no shoe household. I'm
going to adopt the yes stand. What happens? What will
you do?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
This is not like there's not a right wroung I'm.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Just curious, if you host a party here, like a
dinner party, where people have like cute outfits on, are
you asking them to take their shoes off, like people
that have like heels or boots or like the shoes
part of their outfit.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
I figure, if I make a decision to host a party,
then I have to.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Typically I'm a no shoe household, and if I'm throwing
a party, people are going to leave their shoes on,
and then I have to do a deep clean of
sorts after the party and get back to my baseline.
With hardwoods, that's really easy to do. Now, carpets, I
don't know. I mean, maybe there's some special spray you
can get because.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
You have your carpet's cleaned.
Speaker 5 (06:15):
Sure, that's quite the They do really fast, I will
say that, but it's so expensive. Or you can rent
one at like grocery stores and stuff. You can rent
a carpet cleans.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Oh true, I have one of those little green machines.
But to do my carpet, I have rugs. I figured
people would be standing on the rugs, so I would
need to It would just take me a long time
to do it with my little handheld green thingy to
do the entire rug. But to answer your question in
a nutshell, absolutely, people will keep their shoes on. I
(06:47):
actually watched that episode of Sex in the City this
weekend where Carrie's character, no, that is her name, Carrie
Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker's character. Carrie was going to a
party and at their apartment they were in no shoe
household and she wore her Manola blonnox or something like that,
and she took them off and at the end of
the night, when the party was over, she went to
(07:09):
go put her Manola blonnics back on and they were missing.
So then she didn't know how to handle it because
her friend said, well, well, I don't know what happened
to them, and she's like, but these shoes are four
hundred and twenty five dollars, And then her friend shamed her, like, well,
you shouldn't be spending that much on shoes and offered
her maybe two hundred dollars.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Wait, would you expect your friend to pay for the shoes?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
No, I wouldn't, okay, because I would assume somebody stole
them from the party.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
But that's not my friend's fault.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I might feel bad and feel like I want to
pay for the shoes, but I would if that was
the person that lost the shoes, I would be like,
please do not do that.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
But I am mad at whoever solem stole them.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Yeah, well, Carrie wanted her shoes back and she wanted
or she wanted to be compensated for the shoes. So
then how she handled the situation was kind of the
theme of the movie too, was that she was single
and other people were married with kids. So she decided
to send an invitation to her to that friend, like
a wedding invite, because she's like when she got married
(08:09):
or when she had kids, like, I've given her these
nice gifts. So she sent her an invitation saying she
was getting married to herself and she was registered at
Manola Blannock. So then the episode ends with that friend
going to Manola Blanik, getting the pair of shoes, and
the shoes saying to the sales clerk, so this is
all she registered for and they're like, yep, this is
all she registered for and that's how she got her back.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
That is funny.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Uh huh.
Speaker 5 (08:32):
I have some really important information. Yeah, Shannon found some
airports have UV lights for escalator railings to clean them.
So that means that the wand might work, says UVC
sterilization systems installed to continuously disc I didn't know this,
continuously disinfect handrails, killing over ninet nine percent of bacteria
and viruses. You guys, we can put our hand on
(08:52):
the handrails at the escalators. Again, this is it's huge
some airports, So I need a list of airports. Oh, okay,
there's a sign if it has that. I need to
know if BNA has this, because I've been scared of handrails.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, lots are pretty scary to touch.
Speaker 5 (09:10):
Apparently they're like the most what is it called germ
riddles things in the world.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Okay, wal wal, that's hot work. We'll get that list.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
And now, come to think of it, you could order
some wands off Amazon. And if you're having a party,
you have to wand your guests before they lock.
Speaker 5 (09:29):
In, just like instead of checking in with like the bouncer,
you're checking in with the shoe wander.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Yeah, and Shannon says that yes, she googled it and
BNA does have the uv handrails. Oh.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
I cannot wait to go to BNA and hold the
escalator handrail as I go up and down.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
All Okay, I have a question about our email or
her name because it's h n na and I'm used
to Hannah being spelled a little bit differently. So do
you think that's Hannah or Hannah?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (10:02):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
I think it's Hannah. I think some people don't have
the H in the end. Okay, like Sarah. Some people
have the H in the engine.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Some people don't got it?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Oh yeah, how.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Would you spell Sarah if you just were going to
spell it?
Speaker 4 (10:13):
I spell it both ways because I know people that
spell it both ways.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
I was spelt with H naturally cool.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
Hello, ladies. And we can't use Hannah Hannah's name because if.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
She emails us and she's like, actually it's Hannah, idiot.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
Like, well, Kat was very confident that you were Hannah,
So we'll just call.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Her h because she's our friend.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yeah, and we go by nicknames here, so h said
we could use her name. Hello, ladies, I'm in need
of some advice. Before I start, I want to say
I love you too, and what you do. This podcast
(10:57):
has taught me so.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Much, Like the handrails that's there for You're welcome, no prov.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
I'm struggling with family and being the person everyone calls
to vent. I'm a very sensitive person. I carry people's
burdens and I'm a problem solver. That is a bad
combination and has led to many breakdowns. I have noticed
I dread answering my phone when anyone calls, and almost
(11:25):
to the point where I'm in tears because I know
what's about to happen. I'm about to be stuck on
the phone for who knows how long listening to people's problems.
It's so draining, and I feel like my family doesn't
realize what they're doing and how this affects me. I'm
afraid to lay down boundaries for fear of feeling guilty
for not answering their phone calls and being there to listen.
(11:46):
I also had things I'm dealing with, such as infertility
struggles and bad anxiety that has developed the last couple
of years. I want to be there for my family,
but how can I do this in a way where
I'm setting boundaries that aren't going to offend them? What
would you recommend I do? I hope this reaches you guys.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Fix h PS.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
You can use my name, smiley face. I think we've
both set boundaries, but you're the expert, so you go first.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Well, I wasn't even going to give like a how
do you set boundaries with The first thing I was
going to say is because what stuck out to me
was she was afraid. I'm afraid to lay down boundaries
for fear of feeling guilty. And a lot of times
when we change our behavior because this is a learned behavior,
I'm assuming, I mean, I don't know, but I imagine
(12:37):
she's been this way in her family for a long time.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
It's now the expectation of her.
Speaker 5 (12:41):
It's the role that she has played, and it's the
role that people have put her in, and so it's
almost like an implicit family rule that she does this,
and so in her family system, that's how the system operates.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
So there's a lot of messaging.
Speaker 5 (12:53):
You learn about yourself and the world through the environments
you live in. There's a lot of messaging she's learned that.
I mean, and I say this, I could be all
wrong because she's not here sitting with me, but I
imagine there's a lot of like worth and what I
should do and what I shouldn't do tied into all
of this. So she's if she's changing her behavior, that
(13:15):
is going to probably come with some guilt, because it's
going to take longer for her to, like her brain
to catch up with like I'm changing the rules, like
these rules no longer serve me, and they actually don't
agree with them anymore. Like I think there's a part
of her that I'm hearing that is saying, I know
I don't have to do this. I know this isn't
where all my worth comes from. I know that I'm
allowed to take time for myself. But there's another part
(13:37):
that hasn't caught up there. And so she's probably going
to feel guilt, one because she's shifting just a narrative
she has, and also because her family and I don't
know how they would respond, but her family, what's the word.
Her family functions off of the dysfunction in this, So
her family functions well of her not having boundaries, so
(14:00):
not even in a malicious way. But if she changes
her boundaries, I imagine that some of the people that
are used to her picking up the phone at any
moment would be like what the heck, Like how could
you do this to me? Or what do you mean
you don't have time for me or might think she's
selfish or something like that, not because they really think
that about her. But but this is this is shifting
(14:21):
a dynamic.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
So I say all that to say, if you're afraid
of feeling guilty, that probably will. I would expect that
to happen in the beginning, but it doesn't mean it's
going to stay there forever. The more you repeat that
type of behavior, the better it will feel. So it's
like you have to kind of like hold on knowing
that eventually this kind of too shall pass, These feelings
(14:44):
will pass, And if I want that freedom, I might
have to sit with this guilt that I actually can
rationalize is an actual guilt. It might be more misplaced
shame too.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Like you said, it's a pattern for her. So when
I think of my patterns and how I operate, I
sometimes we'll picture my brain and the neuropathways that have
been built, and like, that's how my brain's been operating.
So I need to create a new path and start
driving down that.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
Like that the river metaphor with you, Yes, so you
have metaphor, Yeah, so you build that or that waterway.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
However, you want to look at it where the more
you do that, the more familiar you are with that
path and it will become second nature. So I think
it's just important sometimes to share that reminder of that
our brains can change. Yeah, and it takes neuroplasticity at
its finest. It takes time. But the more you do it,
(15:44):
the more you're headed down that pathway and it will
become second nature and.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
It will feel differently.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Yes, there's heavy amount like the shame or the guilt
that was attached to that other pathway will dissipate.
Speaker 5 (15:58):
Yeah, So I think I mean to answer your question too,
is how do I do this? As you just communicate
like I am at full capacity and maybe you ask
for support because it doesn't I mean, she's like, yeah,
so what would it be like for you to kind
of part of shifting the narrative is you taking up space?
So what if you call somebody and asked for help.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
And there's reciprocity there, because right now it just feels
one sided.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Yeah, So then if you feel.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Heard and like you can vent, then you might have
more space for them to vent.
Speaker 5 (16:30):
And it's also okay to say like I have a
lot going on. I don't have the capacity for this
right now, but I want to be there for you.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Capacity is such a good word.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
My therapist used it in my last session with her,
and it really resonated with me. Of I'm sure it
sounds pretty basic, but the way she put it, I
was like, oh, capacity when with tolerance, Yeah, that's private, Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
You have bauntaries.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
Oh my god, look you're practicing right now. You don't
have the capacity to share the sentence of that with me.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
I probably have the capacity.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I have the capacity.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
I wish I could say, I just can't because it's
not just about me. Yeah, but it's my capacity versus
somebody else's capacity capacity excuse me. And it helped me
have compassion for the other person that I wasn't having
because I wasn't thinking about their capacity.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Is that enough info?
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I was just thinking that what if it was you?
Speaker 5 (17:26):
Then?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Well?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
God, because I was talking to my therapist.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
About yeah, I was just saying, you just got the
word is flustered about from me not sharing when I
was frustrated with you earlier?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Well, I wasn't flustered. I was like, oh, dang, you
never shared that with me. And that was months ago,
so I thought.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I thought I did share with you.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Maybe I didn't that you were what's the word you used,
like ten minutes ago or before we started recording, you
said annoyed.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
At first I said the word that you don't like
what pissed. You're pissed. See, that's that's But then I
was like, that's not that's not right. I wasn't that.
It wasn't that big of a deal. I think I
was annoyed.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
And then I said, oh, well, I get that. I
would have been annoyed too, Yeah, and I apologized. We
can let people in, we can tell them, go ahead,
tell them. So the time I was a big old jerk, I.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Wouldn't even call you a jerk. You were being like hard,
you were being difficulty.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
And I think this is also something that we're very
different in is you're very particular and I'm like everything looks.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Fine and I don't pay attention to details and you do.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
So I'm like, oh dang that font.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I'm like, I don't know, what's the first time I
saw I don't care who cares, which I don't.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
What's so funny is like I don't consider myself to care,
Like if if if you're saying I care, I put
myself like in the middle, so you must be way
out at the bottom, because I've worked with people before
that care way more than I do. Wow, Like I
feel like I'm kind of in the middle, so you're
way low or what you know what I really didn't
like about myself in that moment, And then you should
(19:08):
share the story because I hope what I'm gonna say
is even gonna make sense because you haven't shared the
story yet.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
But it's like I used.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
To be told that a lot at my job, and
I didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Yeah, and then I turned around and did it to you. Yeah, Which,
what's that?
Speaker 5 (19:24):
Like?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
What disorder is that?
Speaker 5 (19:26):
I think you're just you're used to that, like it's
maybe a little projection, but like you're also used to
somebody being particular. But you also, I'm gonna tell a story.
But what you do that's very good is I usually
don't have to say anything when you do something like this,
because within an hour or two you'll be like, oh
my gosh, who cares, Sorry, I'm being dumb.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Ignore me. You've done that multiple times.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yeah yeah, yeah, Well, and I'll say too whenever it's
not the same topic.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
But if you ever are annoying.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
I've never been annoying. What are you talking about?
Speaker 4 (20:03):
You recognize it really quickly too, So ya self awareness
and yay for a safe friendship and business relationship where
we can share our feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I just was shocked at this.
Speaker 4 (20:19):
Many months later, you said with such passion how annoyed
you were, and I was like, a dang, but it
was annoying, so you're okay.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
So what happened is I had this idea to put
memes up on our Instagram if we didn't have a
video or something, or it just could be like a
fun thing to do on the weekend or something. I
(20:50):
had this idea to put memes up on our Instagram
if we didn't have a video or something, or it
just could be like a fun thing to do on
the weekend or something. I thought it was going to
be more of a regular thing, but you know how
I was roll here.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
I've been multiple since then.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
They're one of my favorite things now, which is the
funny part.
Speaker 5 (21:08):
So it's the meme carousels, where like I'll screenshot memes
throughout like the weeks, and then I'll collect some that
are like funny or applied to us or whatever, and
then I'll post them and a carousel on the page.
The first time I did this, I thought you knew
what I was doing, Like I thought you had seen
them before, because a lot of people do this.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
It's definitely a trend that was new to me, and
I now know that I was just in the dark.
Speaker 5 (21:34):
I was so proud of it, posted it whatever, and
you sent me a bunch of texts, like multiple that
were like, what is this?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Nobody's liking this? We need to take this down. I
can't read it. The font's too small. I can't even
read it.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
I you're exaggerating.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I go back and read the text. I probably could
find them, but ily could.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
I don't think it was like that, like what is this,
Nobody's liking it? Shake it down, like we're going to
retell it. Let's like, we don't have to exaggerate. You
did say I'm sure nobody's.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Liking this, and I was like, well, we can take
it down. And then literally a couple hours later.
Speaker 5 (22:13):
It had like a hundred shares and I was like, oh,
nobody's like you now, and I was like, my bad.
But whenever I do something on Instagram, w and you like,
notice sometimes I like make a mistake or something or
there's some type but whatever, I'm like, okay, we can
take it down.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I don't care, like I usually don't care.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
So that's why a lot of times I don't know
if you catch on to this, but I'm like, I'll
delete it if you want. I'm not being passive aggressive.
I'm just really saying like, we can delete this if
you want, if it's that big of a deal to you,
because I have no feelings towards this, but anyway.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
So can we clarify real quick? Yeah that like, this
isn't a regular.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
Every week when you say something to me. It's happened
like three times.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
Yeah, doing feeling things for a year now, so I
feel like, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yeah, sorry, sorry, it's really not that big of a deal.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Well I'm just you know, we're letting people into some
inside baseball and they're like, wow, are they.
Speaker 3 (23:16):
Really really difficult to work with?
Speaker 5 (23:20):
However, you very quickly actually, and this I don't know
how quickly this one was, but it had to have
been quickly. We're like, I'm sorry, you were right, but
you were also right. I did make the font too
small on that first round, and I learned.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
From that, so now they're bigger.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Yes, now they're big.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
I couldn't see.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
And then you put fun songs and I was like, wait,
it's to a song. I don't get it. I just
didn't get it. And I owned that and my bad.
And now I love when.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
You do them.
Speaker 4 (23:50):
Thanks, and we even this week if it's gone up,
maybe by the time people are hearing this. I even
provide to do with a picture of my bush to
use the backdrop.
Speaker 5 (24:03):
I left her house last week and I was like,
wait a second, I voiced them with you. I was like, hey,
so I just had this thought, I really want to
take a picture of the bush with the purple leaves.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
I think that make a good background for some memes.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
And then I went outside and I tried, and then
of course I overthink.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
See here's the problem. So many pictures, and I was like,
it's you got the shot. It's fine, it's.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
The same photo of the same bush. There's only one.
And I sent her multiple options, and I'm sure she
was like one would suffice. My brain just overthinks, and
that's what I'm doing. I overthink font, I overthink the
angle of the purple bush, I overthink, like the order
of things, I overthink if it's three seconds longer than
(24:46):
it should be, and I want to build a new neuropathway, Yeah,
I have to just practice not like you know what,
next time you asked me for a picture, I go out,
I take one picture, I walk away, I send you
a picture, and then it will become easier because I can't.
We can't tell h to build new neuropathways if I'm
not willing to build new neuropathways. Fair and back to
(25:09):
her email, I was just thinking about boundaries even in
our relationship, in our working relationship, I think we have
some like unspoken boundaries at times, or if you ever
needed to bring a boundary to me, I feel like
we have a relationship to where you could I think
based on how we're talking right now.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like if you spoken boundary, well, I think we.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Try to protect each other's time. Like sometimes if I
know how you're you're not feeling great and it's like
something doesn't happen, like, well, we can say what I
forgot to do.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Go ahead, see Cat's not perfect.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And she amy didn't say anything about it.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
No, because that's a boundary I respect.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
Yeah, Well, I didn't even mean to. I wasn't having
a boundary. I just forgot.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Well, but what I mean is a.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I guess it's just more of an understanding. Maybe it's
not a boundary, it's an understanding.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Of capacity capacity. Yes, there's my favorite word right now.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Yes, like having a mutual respect for each other's capacity
and other things we have going on. So I guess, yeah,
it's different than a boundary, but it feels in the
same like there's like a Venn diagram and might fall
like into the same thing of like we're trying to
get things done, but at the same time, if something
(26:30):
doesn't get done, it's not the end of the world.
Speaker 5 (26:31):
Yeah, well, I forgot to do the last newsletter. So
if you're like, I didn't get the newsletter, it's because
I didn't send it out because that week I actually
was feeling really horrible. But I literally just I did
not do it because I was sick. I didn't do
it because I think I was just trying to sleep
and I was, yeah, got it you texting me anything.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
Like, well you sent me you know, like, oh, I'm
gonna do it, work on it later. And then it didn't,
And I guess That's where I don't know why boundary
keeps coming to my with that, but if to me
it feels like some sort of all I get it
and do it, Like my boundary would be I'm not
going to text you and say I really think that
that needs to go out, or if it's past a
(27:14):
certain time or on the weekend, like trying, you know,
like some people don't have org boundaries. Now we have
a friend and working relationship, so our texts are pretty fluid,
but I think we would have that level of respect
for each other to have those boundaries. But back to
h is email when I'm thinking about our relationship, and
(27:35):
I hope one day she has what we have with her,
that she can have that with her family where they
can feel comfortable talking about anything and everything what they
have the capacity for, and it can be sort.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Of like, oh my bad.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Because I feel like we've even said to each other
at times if we need to vent or say something
like you'll you'll say do you do you have time
for this right now?
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Or do you have the capacity?
Speaker 4 (27:59):
Because I know you have a lot going on. So
that's a that's a boundary of sorts where we check
in before we unload. Yeah, And sometimes we'll start to
unload and then back up and say like, oh wait,
do you have time for this? Or I'll be saying
something and then you'll have advice for me, and you'll
start to give it, and then you'll back up and say,
oh wait, do you want my input right now? Or
(28:19):
do you just want me to listen? And that's a
it feels a boundary ish.
Speaker 5 (28:23):
So maybe h can start that and model it and
hopefully some people will pick up.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
On it too.
Speaker 5 (28:30):
It's like you're modeling a new way. You're modeling the
new pathways for your family to pick up on.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
Yes, because that's what I feel like we have and
I want that for her And a lot of times
when it's new, which you touched on this a little
bit like the change, But I just want to say
it again like if they most people, when you start
to set the boundary, they are going to be uncomfortable
with it because you are not the same person in
(28:55):
that moment that they are used to dealing with.
Speaker 5 (28:58):
But it's not personal, isn't that No, So when somebody
says I don't have the capacity, they're not saying you're
too much for me. They're saying I don't have it
in me, like I right, this is me right now. Yeah,
And it's really easy for us to take things personally,
and I think that is for age. That's not you
can't do that for other people. Like you can say
(29:18):
like this isn't this isn't about you, this is about me,
But like, we can't manage how other people take in
what we say. We can just say what we want
to say the best we can, but like, this is
about your stuff, not somebody else being too much.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
The freedom of not managing other people's feelings.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Is so great.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Yeah, but it's hard to get there, very but possible.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
And it's possible, is that, okay? Say and there and stuff?
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Okay, well, h good luck with that.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
You know. We were talking about diet coke on Tuesday's
Feeling Things episode, and I googled why the McDonald's die
coke is so good?
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Can I guess.
Speaker 5 (30:03):
Do they have like extra carbonation in their machine or
is it something specially about their machine.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Yeah, there's a combination of reasons one, two, three, four,
there's four reasons why the McDonald dyke coke is so good.
We share stainless steel syrup tanks. Versus plastic bags, keep
it fresher, a slightly higher syrup to water ratio to
counteract icemelt superior water filtration. And furthermore, they pre chill
(30:35):
both the water and the syrup to near freezing and
use a wider straw to ensure maximum flavor delivery to
the palate. Wow, So that is why the McDonalds dyke
coke slabs.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I like us interesting.
Speaker 4 (30:55):
And then while I was doing that research, I came
across the top five diet coke like ranking amongst people.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
McDonald's is number one.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Who is this from? Is this from this personer?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
The Dailymeal dot com?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Cool eal like?
Speaker 3 (31:09):
I trust them, not the Daily Mail.
Speaker 4 (31:11):
Not to be confused, but McDonald's is number one, Wendy's
is number two, Chick fil A three, Raising Canes four,
and Chipotle five.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Why is Sonic not on there?
Speaker 4 (31:24):
It was it was I just did the top five.
Sonic was like eight or nine?
Speaker 1 (31:28):
What? Yeah? What did Chipotle? Nobody talks about Chipotle's diet coke.
Speaker 4 (31:33):
Let me tell you that, I guess I haven't really
thought about it. It's good when every time I go,
I think you just like Sonic's ice.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
I feel like I'm defensive of Sonic because I feel
like a lot of people don't like it and it's
very nostalgic to me, and it's actually been my one
of my biggest pregnancy cravings.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I love Sonic. I love a cherry limemaid. I love
a jalapeno popper with cheese dipped in ranch.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I don't know that they still have those, do they what?
Speaker 3 (31:59):
I don't know, it's been a long time, but.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
That that was a big nostalgia.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
Yeah, that's what I would get if I are you sure?
Speaker 1 (32:09):
No, I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
What's your pregnancy craving from there?
Speaker 5 (32:12):
They're burgers And Patrick took me out to eat on
He took me. We went out to eat on Saturday,
and I just wanted a burger, so I said, you can,
we can go wherever you want.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
I just want to get a burger.
Speaker 5 (32:23):
And we went to like a sit down restaurant, and
I was like, I would rather be a Sonic right now.
Like they're burgers for some reason taste elite to me
right now. I don't know, And it might be part
of the nostalgia because I grew up eating Sonic all
the time. But I also love a lemon slush, not
a lemonade slush, not a lemon lime slush, a lemon slush.
(32:43):
It's just like the slush stuff and they squeeze fresh
lemon in it, so it's a little Italian icy. It's
faint flavor, but it's still good and it's still sweet.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
It's so refreshing.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
So it's water with some lemon squeezed in.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
I mean the slush stuff has sugar in it.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
Oh it doesn't, Yeah, just clear slush stuff.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
Yeah, so it looks it looks just like ice sugar slush.
It's sugar slush with lemon sweets it. But you can't
order it. This is just a tip for everybody. You
cannot order that on the app. It's not on the menu.
They only have like a lemonade slush, and that is
very If you like it, that's great. It's just very
sweet and it's very different than the lemon slush. And
one of the times I went, I had to send
(33:23):
it back twice because they first gave me a lemonade slush,
then they gave me a lemon lime slush. And then
I looked at Patrick and I said, with almost tears
in my eyes, and I said let's just get out
of here.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
And we left because I didn't want to send it
back a third time.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Let's just get out of here.
Speaker 5 (33:42):
So it's not the same, but you have to say
like the lemon fruit slush because they'll think you mean lemonade,
or then they'll give you a lemon lime.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
And you want a lemon fruit.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
So it's sort of like the sugar slush had a
brief encounter with a limon.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Yes, that's what they say about the Lacroix.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Yes, they're like these these sparkling waters are like the
sparkling water truck drove past a lemon tree.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
Literally that's what it is, but I can't tell you.
And I will say a sonic slush. I get a
large and they're like larger as are like those big
like record for yeah, and so I don't usually finish
it at first.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
You put it in the freezer and then the next day.
Speaker 5 (34:25):
You remember, why do I have like you have that
of that memory that you're like, something good is happening
in my life, but I don't remember what it was.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
And then you remember, do you ever do that? Okay,
I do that, and I'm like.
Speaker 5 (34:35):
It's eleventh slush and the freezer and then it's like
brightens my day.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
I don't have to go out and get it.
Speaker 5 (34:40):
And then what you do is you sit on the
counter for like twenty minutes and let the slush get
slushy again, and then you eat it like Italian ice.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Damn. Yeah, I think all fake.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
You kinda go get one after this now.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Well, I hope they get it right.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I've worked on my ordering delivery. But the bad thing
about it is you can't order it on the app.
App you can get half price all day, so you
have to pay full.
Speaker 1 (35:04):
Price because you can't order on that.
Speaker 5 (35:07):
Okay price you pay for a real fruit lemon slash right, Okay,
I'm done.
Speaker 4 (35:13):
Okay, Well, thank you for the voicemail and thank you
for the email. We love hearing from y'all. Hey, they're
at Feelingthings podcast. Dot com is where you can email
us and eight seven seven two o seven two oh
seven seven is where you can leave us a voicemail,
which I'm pretty sure she said. Grace said when she
left that message that she wanted to call our hotline.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
It is like our hotline. Yeah, that's our.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
Hot line, So hit up our hotline and we can't
wait to hear from you, and wherever you are, whatever
you're doing, we hope you have the day you need
to have.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Bye. Bye,
While we hope couch Talks can be a tool that
helps and supports wherever you are in life, Couch Talks
does not serve as a replacement or substitute for therapy
or any mental health services.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
Break it down. If you ever have feelings that you
just falls home, Amy and Cat gotcha covin locking, no
brother ladies and felons, do you just follow an the
spirit where it's all front and real stuff to the
chill stuff and the m but Swayne, Sometimes the best
thing you can do it jes stop you feel things.
(00:35):
This is Feeling Things.
Speaker 3 (00:36):
With Amy and Kat. Happy Thursday.
Speaker 4 (00:38):
Welcome to Couch Talks, the Q and a episode to
our Feeling Things podcast. I'm Amy and I'm Kat, and
we're going to start out of the gate with a
voicemail about no shoe households because we talked about that recently.
And I love that she got all therapeutic.
Speaker 5 (00:57):
She gave us a taste of our I was gonna
say she gave us a taste of our own medicine.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (01:02):
We have to remind ourselves often to yes and life,
and she gave us a yes and to being a
no shoe household. I guess I have approached not wearing
shoes in the house as very very black and white,
which makes.
Speaker 3 (01:15):
It very very difficult to do it.
Speaker 4 (01:18):
Yeah, ever since we talked about it too, By the way,
more stuff pops up on my algorithm, Like this video
pops up on my phone just yesterday, and it was like,
do you like to bring public restroom grime into your home?
Speaker 3 (01:31):
Because, like me, that's what you're doing.
Speaker 4 (01:34):
It's like a foot like with toilet paper hanging from it,
like walking through the bathroom. But then suddenly you're in
your living room walking on a rug or the carpet,
and it's the same.
Speaker 3 (01:44):
Shoe that was also stepping in dog you know what.
Speaker 5 (01:50):
I get that, and in my head when I walk
into my house, my shoes are clean.
Speaker 4 (01:57):
When I address that, the video addressed that, He's like, oh,
you think oftentimes your shoes look clean, but the type
of bacteria that is on here can live for up
to three weeks.
Speaker 5 (02:08):
I don't even I'm not even saying my shoes look clean.
I'm saying like I have magical thinking that when I
walk inside, it's like I've never walked into a public
restroom before.
Speaker 3 (02:18):
You know, I did.
Speaker 4 (02:20):
Look online for these wands that I saw someone using
online where you wand your shoes. So you said magical thinking,
and it made me think of this magical wand and
it's like a blue light that you wave across your
shoe and it kills any bacteria. But I could not,
for the life of me figure out if it was
safe or not. Like they sell these lights, but I don't.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Want I don't know anything safe.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
Are thinking?
Speaker 4 (02:48):
Like?
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Is that a scam?
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Oh? Like does it really?
Speaker 5 (02:51):
Well?
Speaker 3 (02:52):
I think you can test.
Speaker 4 (02:53):
You know, they sell things you can put your toothbrush in,
or your retainer in, or your cell phone in little
cases that will bacteria.
Speaker 1 (03:01):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 3 (03:02):
Yeah, wait to your point, are they real? Do they
really work? I haven't bought them, but.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Well, should we play this voicemail?
Speaker 5 (03:09):
Yeah?
Speaker 4 (03:09):
Yeah, yeah, Sorry I got a little sidetracked, but I'm
thinking of what's popping up in my algorithm now. His
voice was very scary, yeah, fearful, like it was meant
to ignite fear with the way he was dramatically speaking
about the bacteria on the bottom of our shoes. So anyway,
if you're considering becoming a no shoe household, we're going
to take advice here from Grace who grew up in
(03:33):
a no shoe household. So here's the voicemail.
Speaker 6 (03:36):
Hey, Amy and Kat, this is Grace in Alaska and
I just listened to your Couch Talks episode and you
guys were talking about having a no shoes household, and
I just wanted to pop on the hotline and share
that I live in a no shoes household. And you guys,
especially Amy, were saying it's a struggle because you always
(03:57):
forget something when you get to the car. But I
think this is a good opportunity to use your guys's
mantra of yes and and I would say, you can
have a no shoes household where most of the time
you don't wear shoes, and then if you forget something,
you can wear your shoes to go get the thing.
So yes, it can be a no shoes household. And
(04:19):
if you forget something, not to worry about it. Yeah.
I just thought i'd leave that note, love listening and
have the day you need to have.
Speaker 4 (04:25):
Oh well, she says she lives in a no shoe household.
I was thinking she grew up in one, but honestly,
we don't know how old Grace.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
Is so much. She could be twelve years old.
Speaker 4 (04:35):
She's not twelve. I think we should be able to
tell from her voice, but.
Speaker 3 (04:39):
She could be eighteen nineteen.
Speaker 4 (04:41):
Maybe we start making that a thing like tell us.
You know, people say their name where they're from, they say.
Speaker 5 (04:47):
Have the day.
Speaker 3 (04:48):
You need to have your friend da da dah who
we want their age? Throw it in if you want,
Throw it in if you want. I like to know.
We have a range.
Speaker 4 (04:56):
I know we have some younger kids that listen I
don't know how young, maybe twelve, and then we have.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
They're listening because their mom's listening exactly.
Speaker 3 (05:06):
And then we have eighty year olds yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 4 (05:10):
And we have everything in between. So that just might
be a fun thing. If you feel comfortable, just throw
it in.
Speaker 5 (05:15):
Okay, can I ask one question about this before we
move on to it or move on to another email?
If you're going to do this, So let's say you're
going to take her advice and you're gonna be like, Okay,
I've always wanted to have a no shoe household. I'm
going to adopt the yes stand. What happens? What will
you do?
Speaker 1 (05:31):
This is not like there's not a right wroung I'm.
Speaker 5 (05:32):
Just curious, if you host a party here, like a
dinner party, where people have like cute outfits on, are
you asking them to take their shoes off, like people
that have like heels or boots or like the shoes
part of their outfit.
Speaker 4 (05:47):
I figure, if I make a decision to host a party,
then I have to.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yes.
Speaker 4 (05:53):
Typically I'm a no shoe household, and if I'm throwing
a party, people are going to leave their shoes on,
and then I have to do a deep clean of
sorts after the party and get back to my baseline.
With hardwoods, that's really easy to do. Now, carpets, I
don't know. I mean, maybe there's some special spray you
can get because.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
You have your carpet's cleaned.
Speaker 5 (06:15):
Sure, that's quite the They do really fast, I will
say that, but it's so expensive. Or you can rent
one at like grocery stores and stuff. You can rent
a carpet cleans.
Speaker 4 (06:25):
Oh true, I have one of those little green machines.
But to do my carpet, I have rugs. I figured
people would be standing on the rugs, so I would
need to It would just take me a long time
to do it with my little handheld green thingy to
do the entire rug. But to answer your question in
a nutshell, absolutely, people will keep their shoes on. I
(06:47):
actually watched that episode of Sex in the City this
weekend where Carrie's character, no, that is her name, Carrie
Bradshaw Sarah Jessica Parker's character. Carrie was going to a
party and at their apartment they were in no shoe
household and she wore her Manola blonnox or something like that,
and she took them off and at the end of
the night, when the party was over, she went to
(07:09):
go put her Manola blonnics back on and they were missing.
So then she didn't know how to handle it because
her friend said, well, well, I don't know what happened
to them, and she's like, but these shoes are four
hundred and twenty five dollars, And then her friend shamed her, like, well,
you shouldn't be spending that much on shoes and offered
her maybe two hundred dollars.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Wait, would you expect your friend to pay for the shoes?
Speaker 4 (07:33):
No, I wouldn't, okay, because I would assume somebody stole
them from the party.
Speaker 3 (07:37):
But that's not my friend's fault.
Speaker 5 (07:39):
I might feel bad and feel like I want to
pay for the shoes, but I would if that was
the person that lost the shoes, I would be like,
please do not do that.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
But I am mad at whoever solem stole them.
Speaker 4 (07:47):
Yeah, well, Carrie wanted her shoes back and she wanted
or she wanted to be compensated for the shoes. So
then how she handled the situation was kind of the
theme of the movie too, was that she was single
and other people were married with kids. So she decided
to send an invitation to her to that friend, like
a wedding invite, because she's like when she got married
(08:09):
or when she had kids, like, I've given her these
nice gifts. So she sent her an invitation saying she
was getting married to herself and she was registered at
Manola Blannock. So then the episode ends with that friend
going to Manola Blanik, getting the pair of shoes, and
the shoes saying to the sales clerk, so this is
all she registered for and they're like, yep, this is
all she registered for and that's how she got her back.
Speaker 1 (08:30):
That is funny.
Speaker 3 (08:31):
Uh huh.
Speaker 5 (08:32):
I have some really important information. Yeah, Shannon found some
airports have UV lights for escalator railings to clean them.
So that means that the wand might work, says UVC
sterilization systems installed to continuously disc I didn't know this,
continuously disinfect handrails, killing over ninet nine percent of bacteria
and viruses. You guys, we can put our hand on
(08:52):
the handrails at the escalators. Again, this is it's huge
some airports, So I need a list of airports. Oh, okay,
there's a sign if it has that. I need to
know if BNA has this, because I've been scared of handrails.
Speaker 3 (09:08):
Yeah, lots are pretty scary to touch.
Speaker 5 (09:10):
Apparently they're like the most what is it called germ
riddles things in the world.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
Okay, wal wal, that's hot work. We'll get that list.
Speaker 4 (09:21):
And now, come to think of it, you could order
some wands off Amazon. And if you're having a party,
you have to wand your guests before they lock.
Speaker 5 (09:29):
In, just like instead of checking in with like the bouncer,
you're checking in with the shoe wander.
Speaker 4 (09:36):
Yeah, and Shannon says that yes, she googled it and
BNA does have the uv handrails. Oh.
Speaker 5 (09:41):
I cannot wait to go to BNA and hold the
escalator handrail as I go up and down.
Speaker 4 (09:48):
All Okay, I have a question about our email or
her name because it's h n na and I'm used
to Hannah being spelled a little bit differently. So do
you think that's Hannah or Hannah?
Speaker 1 (10:01):
What do you think?
Speaker 4 (10:02):
I don't know.
Speaker 5 (10:03):
I think it's Hannah. I think some people don't have
the H in the end. Okay, like Sarah. Some people
have the H in the engine.
Speaker 1 (10:08):
Some people don't got it?
Speaker 3 (10:09):
Oh yeah, how.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
Would you spell Sarah if you just were going to
spell it?
Speaker 4 (10:13):
I spell it both ways because I know people that
spell it both ways.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
I was spelt with H naturally cool.
Speaker 4 (10:21):
Hello, ladies. And we can't use Hannah Hannah's name because if.
Speaker 5 (10:25):
She emails us and she's like, actually it's Hannah, idiot.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
Like, well, Kat was very confident that you were Hannah,
So we'll just call.
Speaker 3 (10:34):
Her h because she's our friend.
Speaker 4 (10:36):
Yeah, and we go by nicknames here, so h said
we could use her name. Hello, ladies, I'm in need
of some advice. Before I start, I want to say
I love you too, and what you do. This podcast
(10:57):
has taught me so.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Much, Like the handrails that's there for You're welcome, no prov.
Speaker 4 (11:05):
I'm struggling with family and being the person everyone calls
to vent. I'm a very sensitive person. I carry people's
burdens and I'm a problem solver. That is a bad
combination and has led to many breakdowns. I have noticed
I dread answering my phone when anyone calls, and almost
(11:25):
to the point where I'm in tears because I know
what's about to happen. I'm about to be stuck on
the phone for who knows how long listening to people's problems.
It's so draining, and I feel like my family doesn't
realize what they're doing and how this affects me. I'm
afraid to lay down boundaries for fear of feeling guilty
for not answering their phone calls and being there to listen.
(11:46):
I also had things I'm dealing with, such as infertility
struggles and bad anxiety that has developed the last couple
of years. I want to be there for my family,
but how can I do this in a way where
I'm setting boundaries that aren't going to offend them? What
would you recommend I do? I hope this reaches you guys.
Speaker 3 (12:04):
Fix h PS.
Speaker 4 (12:08):
You can use my name, smiley face. I think we've
both set boundaries, but you're the expert, so you go first.
Speaker 5 (12:16):
Well, I wasn't even going to give like a how
do you set boundaries with The first thing I was
going to say is because what stuck out to me
was she was afraid. I'm afraid to lay down boundaries
for fear of feeling guilty. And a lot of times
when we change our behavior because this is a learned behavior,
I'm assuming, I mean, I don't know, but I imagine
(12:37):
she's been this way in her family for a long time.
Speaker 1 (12:39):
It's now the expectation of her.
Speaker 5 (12:41):
It's the role that she has played, and it's the
role that people have put her in, and so it's
almost like an implicit family rule that she does this,
and so in her family system, that's how the system operates.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
So there's a lot of messaging.
Speaker 5 (12:53):
You learn about yourself and the world through the environments
you live in. There's a lot of messaging she's learned that.
I mean, and I say this, I could be all
wrong because she's not here sitting with me, but I
imagine there's a lot of like worth and what I
should do and what I shouldn't do tied into all
of this. So she's if she's changing her behavior, that
(13:15):
is going to probably come with some guilt, because it's
going to take longer for her to, like her brain
to catch up with like I'm changing the rules, like
these rules no longer serve me, and they actually don't
agree with them anymore. Like I think there's a part
of her that I'm hearing that is saying, I know
I don't have to do this. I know this isn't
where all my worth comes from. I know that I'm
allowed to take time for myself. But there's another part
(13:37):
that hasn't caught up there. And so she's probably going
to feel guilt, one because she's shifting just a narrative
she has, and also because her family and I don't
know how they would respond, but her family, what's the word.
Her family functions off of the dysfunction in this, So
her family functions well of her not having boundaries, so
(14:00):
not even in a malicious way. But if she changes
her boundaries, I imagine that some of the people that
are used to her picking up the phone at any
moment would be like what the heck, Like how could
you do this to me? Or what do you mean
you don't have time for me or might think she's
selfish or something like that, not because they really think
that about her. But but this is this is shifting
(14:21):
a dynamic.
Speaker 3 (14:23):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (14:24):
So I say all that to say, if you're afraid
of feeling guilty, that probably will. I would expect that
to happen in the beginning, but it doesn't mean it's
going to stay there forever. The more you repeat that
type of behavior, the better it will feel. So it's
like you have to kind of like hold on knowing
that eventually this kind of too shall pass, These feelings
(14:44):
will pass, And if I want that freedom, I might
have to sit with this guilt that I actually can
rationalize is an actual guilt. It might be more misplaced
shame too.
Speaker 4 (14:55):
Like you said, it's a pattern for her. So when
I think of my patterns and how I operate, I
sometimes we'll picture my brain and the neuropathways that have
been built, and like, that's how my brain's been operating.
So I need to create a new path and start
driving down that.
Speaker 5 (15:14):
Like that the river metaphor with you, Yes, so you
have metaphor, Yeah, so you build that or that waterway.
Speaker 4 (15:22):
However, you want to look at it where the more
you do that, the more familiar you are with that
path and it will become second nature. So I think
it's just important sometimes to share that reminder of that
our brains can change. Yeah, and it takes neuroplasticity at
its finest. It takes time. But the more you do it,
(15:44):
the more you're headed down that pathway and it will
become second nature and.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
It will feel differently.
Speaker 4 (15:51):
Yes, there's heavy amount like the shame or the guilt
that was attached to that other pathway will dissipate.
Speaker 5 (15:58):
Yeah, So I think I mean to answer your question too,
is how do I do this? As you just communicate
like I am at full capacity and maybe you ask
for support because it doesn't I mean, she's like, yeah,
so what would it be like for you to kind
of part of shifting the narrative is you taking up space?
So what if you call somebody and asked for help.
Speaker 4 (16:19):
And there's reciprocity there, because right now it just feels
one sided.
Speaker 3 (16:23):
Yeah, So then if you feel.
Speaker 4 (16:25):
Heard and like you can vent, then you might have
more space for them to vent.
Speaker 5 (16:30):
And it's also okay to say like I have a
lot going on. I don't have the capacity for this
right now, but I want to be there for you.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Capacity is such a good word.
Speaker 4 (16:37):
My therapist used it in my last session with her,
and it really resonated with me. Of I'm sure it
sounds pretty basic, but the way she put it, I
was like, oh, capacity when with tolerance, Yeah, that's private, Okay.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
You have bauntaries.
Speaker 5 (16:56):
Oh my god, look you're practicing right now. You don't
have the capacity to share the sentence of that with me.
Speaker 3 (17:00):
I probably have the capacity.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
I have the capacity.
Speaker 4 (17:04):
I wish I could say, I just can't because it's
not just about me. Yeah, but it's my capacity versus
somebody else's capacity capacity excuse me. And it helped me
have compassion for the other person that I wasn't having
because I wasn't thinking about their capacity.
Speaker 3 (17:22):
Is that enough info?
Speaker 1 (17:23):
I was just thinking that what if it was you?
Speaker 5 (17:26):
Then?
Speaker 4 (17:28):
Well?
Speaker 3 (17:28):
God, because I was talking to my therapist.
Speaker 5 (17:30):
About yeah, I was just saying, you just got the
word is flustered about from me not sharing when I
was frustrated with you earlier?
Speaker 4 (17:40):
Well, I wasn't flustered. I was like, oh, dang, you
never shared that with me. And that was months ago,
so I thought.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
I thought I did share with you.
Speaker 4 (17:50):
Maybe I didn't that you were what's the word you used,
like ten minutes ago or before we started recording, you
said annoyed.
Speaker 1 (17:57):
At first I said the word that you don't like
what pissed. You're pissed. See, that's that's But then I
was like, that's not that's not right. I wasn't that.
It wasn't that big of a deal. I think I
was annoyed.
Speaker 4 (18:09):
And then I said, oh, well, I get that. I
would have been annoyed too, Yeah, and I apologized. We
can let people in, we can tell them, go ahead,
tell them. So the time I was a big old jerk, I.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Wouldn't even call you a jerk. You were being like hard,
you were being difficulty.
Speaker 5 (18:28):
And I think this is also something that we're very
different in is you're very particular and I'm like everything looks.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Fine and I don't pay attention to details and you do.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
So I'm like, oh dang that font.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
I'm like, I don't know, what's the first time I
saw I don't care who cares, which I don't.
Speaker 4 (18:46):
What's so funny is like I don't consider myself to care,
Like if if if you're saying I care, I put
myself like in the middle, so you must be way
out at the bottom, because I've worked with people before
that care way more than I do. Wow, Like I
feel like I'm kind of in the middle, so you're
way low or what you know what I really didn't
like about myself in that moment, And then you should
(19:08):
share the story because I hope what I'm gonna say
is even gonna make sense because you haven't shared the
story yet.
Speaker 3 (19:12):
But it's like I used.
Speaker 4 (19:14):
To be told that a lot at my job, and
I didn't like it.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Yeah, and then I turned around and did it to you. Yeah, Which,
what's that?
Speaker 5 (19:24):
Like?
Speaker 3 (19:24):
What disorder is that?
Speaker 5 (19:26):
I think you're just you're used to that, like it's
maybe a little projection, but like you're also used to
somebody being particular. But you also, I'm gonna tell a story.
But what you do that's very good is I usually
don't have to say anything when you do something like this,
because within an hour or two you'll be like, oh
my gosh, who cares, Sorry, I'm being dumb.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Ignore me. You've done that multiple times.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Yeah yeah, yeah, Well, and I'll say too whenever it's
not the same topic.
Speaker 3 (19:55):
But if you ever are annoying.
Speaker 1 (20:00):
I've never been annoying. What are you talking about?
Speaker 4 (20:03):
You recognize it really quickly too, So ya self awareness
and yay for a safe friendship and business relationship where
we can share our feelings.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
I just was shocked at this.
Speaker 4 (20:19):
Many months later, you said with such passion how annoyed
you were, and I was like, a dang, but it
was annoying, so you're okay.
Speaker 5 (20:28):
So what happened is I had this idea to put
memes up on our Instagram if we didn't have a
video or something, or it just could be like a
fun thing to do on the weekend or something. I
(20:50):
had this idea to put memes up on our Instagram
if we didn't have a video or something, or it
just could be like a fun thing to do on
the weekend or something. I thought it was going to
be more of a regular thing, but you know how
I was roll here.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
I've been multiple since then.
Speaker 4 (21:05):
They're one of my favorite things now, which is the
funny part.
Speaker 5 (21:08):
So it's the meme carousels, where like I'll screenshot memes
throughout like the weeks, and then I'll collect some that
are like funny or applied to us or whatever, and
then I'll post them and a carousel on the page.
The first time I did this, I thought you knew
what I was doing, Like I thought you had seen
them before, because a lot of people do this.
Speaker 4 (21:27):
It's definitely a trend that was new to me, and
I now know that I was just in the dark.
Speaker 5 (21:34):
I was so proud of it, posted it whatever, and
you sent me a bunch of texts, like multiple that
were like, what is this?
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Nobody's liking this? We need to take this down. I
can't read it. The font's too small. I can't even
read it.
Speaker 3 (21:49):
I you're exaggerating.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
I go back and read the text. I probably could
find them, but ily could.
Speaker 4 (21:55):
I don't think it was like that, like what is this,
Nobody's liking it? Shake it down, like we're going to
retell it. Let's like, we don't have to exaggerate. You
did say I'm sure nobody's.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
Liking this, and I was like, well, we can take
it down. And then literally a couple hours later.
Speaker 5 (22:13):
It had like a hundred shares and I was like, oh,
nobody's like you now, and I was like, my bad.
But whenever I do something on Instagram, w and you like,
notice sometimes I like make a mistake or something or
there's some type but whatever, I'm like, okay, we can
take it down.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
I don't care, like I usually don't care.
Speaker 5 (22:32):
So that's why a lot of times I don't know
if you catch on to this, but I'm like, I'll
delete it if you want. I'm not being passive aggressive.
I'm just really saying like, we can delete this if
you want, if it's that big of a deal to you,
because I have no feelings towards this, but anyway.
Speaker 4 (22:46):
So can we clarify real quick? Yeah that like, this
isn't a regular.
Speaker 5 (22:53):
Every week when you say something to me. It's happened
like three times.
Speaker 4 (22:58):
Yeah, doing feeling things for a year now, so I
feel like, you know.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yeah, sorry, sorry, it's really not that big of a deal.
Speaker 4 (23:10):
Well I'm just you know, we're letting people into some
inside baseball and they're like, wow, are they.
Speaker 3 (23:16):
Really really difficult to work with?
Speaker 5 (23:20):
However, you very quickly actually, and this I don't know
how quickly this one was, but it had to have
been quickly. We're like, I'm sorry, you were right, but
you were also right. I did make the font too
small on that first round, and I learned.
Speaker 3 (23:35):
From that, so now they're bigger.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
Yes, now they're big.
Speaker 3 (23:38):
I couldn't see.
Speaker 4 (23:40):
And then you put fun songs and I was like, wait,
it's to a song. I don't get it. I just
didn't get it. And I owned that and my bad.
And now I love when.
Speaker 3 (23:49):
You do them.
Speaker 4 (23:50):
Thanks, and we even this week if it's gone up,
maybe by the time people are hearing this. I even
provide to do with a picture of my bush to
use the backdrop.
Speaker 5 (24:03):
I left her house last week and I was like,
wait a second, I voiced them with you. I was like, hey,
so I just had this thought, I really want to
take a picture of the bush with the purple leaves.
Speaker 1 (24:12):
I think that make a good background for some memes.
Speaker 4 (24:16):
And then I went outside and I tried, and then
of course I overthink.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
See here's the problem. So many pictures, and I was like,
it's you got the shot. It's fine, it's.
Speaker 4 (24:25):
The same photo of the same bush. There's only one.
And I sent her multiple options, and I'm sure she
was like one would suffice. My brain just overthinks, and
that's what I'm doing. I overthink font, I overthink the
angle of the purple bush, I overthink, like the order
of things, I overthink if it's three seconds longer than
(24:46):
it should be, and I want to build a new neuropathway, Yeah,
I have to just practice not like you know what,
next time you asked me for a picture, I go out,
I take one picture, I walk away, I send you
a picture, and then it will become easier because I can't.
We can't tell h to build new neuropathways if I'm
not willing to build new neuropathways. Fair and back to
(25:09):
her email, I was just thinking about boundaries even in
our relationship, in our working relationship, I think we have
some like unspoken boundaries at times, or if you ever
needed to bring a boundary to me, I feel like
we have a relationship to where you could I think
based on how we're talking right now.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like if you spoken boundary, well, I think we.
Speaker 4 (25:29):
Try to protect each other's time. Like sometimes if I
know how you're you're not feeling great and it's like
something doesn't happen, like, well, we can say what I
forgot to do.
Speaker 3 (25:39):
Go ahead, see Cat's not perfect.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And she amy didn't say anything about it.
Speaker 3 (25:44):
No, because that's a boundary I respect.
Speaker 5 (25:46):
Yeah, Well, I didn't even mean to. I wasn't having
a boundary. I just forgot.
Speaker 3 (25:51):
Well, but what I mean is a.
Speaker 4 (25:57):
I guess it's just more of an understanding. Maybe it's
not a boundary, it's an understanding.
Speaker 3 (26:02):
Of capacity capacity. Yes, there's my favorite word right now.
Speaker 4 (26:09):
Yes, like having a mutual respect for each other's capacity
and other things we have going on. So I guess, yeah,
it's different than a boundary, but it feels in the
same like there's like a Venn diagram and might fall
like into the same thing of like we're trying to
get things done, but at the same time, if something
(26:30):
doesn't get done, it's not the end of the world.
Speaker 5 (26:31):
Yeah, well, I forgot to do the last newsletter. So
if you're like, I didn't get the newsletter, it's because
I didn't send it out because that week I actually
was feeling really horrible. But I literally just I did
not do it because I was sick. I didn't do
it because I think I was just trying to sleep
and I was, yeah, got it you texting me anything.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
Like, well you sent me you know, like, oh, I'm
gonna do it, work on it later. And then it didn't,
And I guess That's where I don't know why boundary
keeps coming to my with that, but if to me
it feels like some sort of all I get it
and do it, Like my boundary would be I'm not
going to text you and say I really think that
that needs to go out, or if it's past a
(27:14):
certain time or on the weekend, like trying, you know,
like some people don't have org boundaries. Now we have
a friend and working relationship, so our texts are pretty fluid,
but I think we would have that level of respect
for each other to have those boundaries. But back to
h is email when I'm thinking about our relationship, and
(27:35):
I hope one day she has what we have with her,
that she can have that with her family where they
can feel comfortable talking about anything and everything what they
have the capacity for, and it can be sort.
Speaker 3 (27:47):
Of like, oh my bad.
Speaker 4 (27:48):
Because I feel like we've even said to each other
at times if we need to vent or say something
like you'll you'll say do you do you have time
for this right now?
Speaker 3 (27:58):
Or do you have the capacity?
Speaker 4 (27:59):
Because I know you have a lot going on. So
that's a that's a boundary of sorts where we check
in before we unload. Yeah, And sometimes we'll start to
unload and then back up and say like, oh wait,
do you have time for this? Or I'll be saying
something and then you'll have advice for me, and you'll
start to give it, and then you'll back up and say,
oh wait, do you want my input right now? Or
(28:19):
do you just want me to listen? And that's a
it feels a boundary ish.
Speaker 5 (28:23):
So maybe h can start that and model it and
hopefully some people will pick up.
Speaker 1 (28:29):
On it too.
Speaker 5 (28:30):
It's like you're modeling a new way. You're modeling the
new pathways for your family to pick up on.
Speaker 4 (28:35):
Yes, because that's what I feel like we have and
I want that for her And a lot of times
when it's new, which you touched on this a little
bit like the change, But I just want to say
it again like if they most people, when you start
to set the boundary, they are going to be uncomfortable
with it because you are not the same person in
(28:55):
that moment that they are used to dealing with.
Speaker 5 (28:58):
But it's not personal, isn't that No, So when somebody
says I don't have the capacity, they're not saying you're
too much for me. They're saying I don't have it
in me, like I right, this is me right now. Yeah,
And it's really easy for us to take things personally,
and I think that is for age. That's not you
can't do that for other people. Like you can say
(29:18):
like this isn't this isn't about you, this is about me,
But like, we can't manage how other people take in
what we say. We can just say what we want
to say the best we can, but like, this is
about your stuff, not somebody else being too much.
Speaker 4 (29:32):
The freedom of not managing other people's feelings.
Speaker 3 (29:36):
Is so great.
Speaker 4 (29:37):
Yeah, but it's hard to get there, very but possible.
Speaker 3 (29:42):
And it's possible, is that, okay? Say and there and stuff?
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (29:48):
Okay, well, h good luck with that.
Speaker 4 (29:51):
You know. We were talking about diet coke on Tuesday's
Feeling Things episode, and I googled why the McDonald's die
coke is so good?
Speaker 1 (30:01):
Can I guess.
Speaker 5 (30:03):
Do they have like extra carbonation in their machine or
is it something specially about their machine.
Speaker 4 (30:10):
Yeah, there's a combination of reasons one, two, three, four,
there's four reasons why the McDonald dyke coke is so good.
We share stainless steel syrup tanks. Versus plastic bags, keep
it fresher, a slightly higher syrup to water ratio to
counteract icemelt superior water filtration. And furthermore, they pre chill
(30:35):
both the water and the syrup to near freezing and
use a wider straw to ensure maximum flavor delivery to
the palate. Wow, So that is why the McDonalds dyke
coke slabs.
Speaker 3 (30:52):
I like us interesting.
Speaker 4 (30:55):
And then while I was doing that research, I came
across the top five diet coke like ranking amongst people.
Speaker 3 (31:01):
McDonald's is number one.
Speaker 1 (31:03):
Who is this from? Is this from this personer?
Speaker 3 (31:05):
The Dailymeal dot com?
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Cool eal like?
Speaker 3 (31:09):
I trust them, not the Daily Mail.
Speaker 4 (31:11):
Not to be confused, but McDonald's is number one, Wendy's
is number two, Chick fil A three, Raising Canes four,
and Chipotle five.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Why is Sonic not on there?
Speaker 4 (31:24):
It was it was I just did the top five.
Sonic was like eight or nine?
Speaker 1 (31:28):
What? Yeah? What did Chipotle? Nobody talks about Chipotle's diet coke.
Speaker 4 (31:33):
Let me tell you that, I guess I haven't really
thought about it. It's good when every time I go,
I think you just like Sonic's ice.
Speaker 5 (31:40):
I feel like I'm defensive of Sonic because I feel
like a lot of people don't like it and it's
very nostalgic to me, and it's actually been my one
of my biggest pregnancy cravings.
Speaker 4 (31:48):
I love Sonic. I love a cherry limemaid. I love
a jalapeno popper with cheese dipped in ranch.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
I don't know that they still have those, do they what?
Speaker 3 (31:59):
I don't know, it's been a long time, but.
Speaker 1 (32:01):
That that was a big nostalgia.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
Yeah, that's what I would get if I are you sure?
Speaker 1 (32:09):
No, I'm not sure.
Speaker 3 (32:10):
What's your pregnancy craving from there?
Speaker 5 (32:12):
They're burgers And Patrick took me out to eat on
He took me. We went out to eat on Saturday,
and I just wanted a burger, so I said, you can,
we can go wherever you want.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
I just want to get a burger.
Speaker 5 (32:23):
And we went to like a sit down restaurant, and
I was like, I would rather be a Sonic right now.
Like they're burgers for some reason taste elite to me
right now. I don't know, And it might be part
of the nostalgia because I grew up eating Sonic all
the time. But I also love a lemon slush, not
a lemonade slush, not a lemon lime slush, a lemon slush.
(32:43):
It's just like the slush stuff and they squeeze fresh
lemon in it, so it's a little Italian icy. It's
faint flavor, but it's still good and it's still sweet.
Speaker 1 (32:51):
It's so refreshing.
Speaker 3 (32:52):
So it's water with some lemon squeezed in.
Speaker 1 (32:55):
I mean the slush stuff has sugar in it.
Speaker 3 (32:58):
Oh it doesn't, Yeah, just clear slush stuff.
Speaker 5 (33:01):
Yeah, so it looks it looks just like ice sugar slush.
It's sugar slush with lemon sweets it. But you can't
order it. This is just a tip for everybody. You
cannot order that on the app. It's not on the menu.
They only have like a lemonade slush, and that is
very If you like it, that's great. It's just very
sweet and it's very different than the lemon slush. And
one of the times I went, I had to send
(33:23):
it back twice because they first gave me a lemonade slush,
then they gave me a lemon lime slush. And then
I looked at Patrick and I said, with almost tears
in my eyes, and I said let's just get out
of here.
Speaker 1 (33:34):
And we left because I didn't want to send it
back a third time.
Speaker 3 (33:41):
Let's just get out of here.
Speaker 5 (33:42):
So it's not the same, but you have to say
like the lemon fruit slush because they'll think you mean lemonade,
or then they'll give you a lemon lime.
Speaker 3 (33:52):
And you want a lemon fruit.
Speaker 4 (33:54):
So it's sort of like the sugar slush had a
brief encounter with a limon.
Speaker 3 (33:58):
Yes, that's what they say about the Lacroix.
Speaker 4 (34:00):
Yes, they're like these these sparkling waters are like the
sparkling water truck drove past a lemon tree.
Speaker 5 (34:09):
Literally that's what it is, but I can't tell you.
And I will say a sonic slush. I get a
large and they're like larger as are like those big
like record for yeah, and so I don't usually finish
it at first.
Speaker 1 (34:22):
You put it in the freezer and then the next day.
Speaker 5 (34:25):
You remember, why do I have like you have that
of that memory that you're like, something good is happening
in my life, but I don't remember what it was.
Speaker 1 (34:31):
And then you remember, do you ever do that? Okay,
I do that, and I'm like.
Speaker 5 (34:35):
It's eleventh slush and the freezer and then it's like
brightens my day.
Speaker 1 (34:39):
I don't have to go out and get it.
Speaker 5 (34:40):
And then what you do is you sit on the
counter for like twenty minutes and let the slush get
slushy again, and then you eat it like Italian ice.
Speaker 3 (34:47):
Damn. Yeah, I think all fake.
Speaker 1 (34:50):
You kinda go get one after this now.
Speaker 3 (34:51):
Well, I hope they get it right.
Speaker 5 (34:54):
I've worked on my ordering delivery. But the bad thing
about it is you can't order it on the app.
App you can get half price all day, so you
have to pay full.
Speaker 1 (35:04):
Price because you can't order on that.
Speaker 5 (35:07):
Okay price you pay for a real fruit lemon slash right, Okay,
I'm done.
Speaker 4 (35:13):
Okay, Well, thank you for the voicemail and thank you
for the email. We love hearing from y'all. Hey, they're
at Feelingthings podcast. Dot com is where you can email
us and eight seven seven two o seven two oh
seven seven is where you can leave us a voicemail,
which I'm pretty sure she said. Grace said when she
left that message that she wanted to call our hotline.
Speaker 1 (35:36):
It is like our hotline. Yeah, that's our.
Speaker 4 (35:37):
Hot line, So hit up our hotline and we can't
wait to hear from you, and wherever you are, whatever
you're doing, we hope you have the day you need
to have.
Speaker 1 (35:48):
Bye. Bye,
Feeling Things with Amy & Kat News
Host
Amy Brown
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