June 30, 2025 • 32 mins
7:00 - Why Pride Matters
7:15 - Habits that keep you single
7:30 - Staying Single
7:45 - Social Media Questions
7:15 - Habits that keep you single
7:30 - Staying Single
7:45 - Social Media Questions
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
The iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
I cannot believe it is the end of Pride Month.
Tomorrow's last day the month of June. You've seen the
rainbow flags everywhere. Hopefully you've been waving your flag and
wearing your flag as much as possible. It's interesting that
Pride month is the month of June in the United States,
Canada and the UK. But remember when I was on
(00:38):
my honeymoon with Julio. We run our honeymoon back in
February in Australia. Down in the Southern Hemisphere. They tend
to do it in February, so I got to do
it twice. I got to celebrate pride, gay pride everywhere.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I remember one time I didn't know what pride meant.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I was at a cocktail party and this woman had
told me she went to Harvard and she recently went
back for a pride event for her school, And I said,
what's school? She said Harvard, And I'm like, I think
you guys are proud enough, right, you need to go
and have a pride event to be proud of Harvard.
Want no no LGBTQ plus. I was like, oh my gosh,
(01:14):
I'm so embarrassed. Some people say, I hear it. Why
do we still need pride? Why isn't there straight pride?
Or I hate that one? You know what, Let's talk
about what's really at stake for lesbian, gay, by transsexual
and queer and anybody else in that category youth, and
what the research says and why our support, our public support,
(01:38):
and our visibility can literally save lives.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Right, I've heard people.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Say this kind of stuff. Why do we need pride
parades anymore? Look, isn't same sex marriage legal? Isn't it
all equal? Now? Isn't our work done? Or the one
I hate? Why isn't there a straight Pride month? Because
that's the majority of people. Okay, I just want to
pause to say it has been years since Alfred Kinsey
(02:07):
came up with the Kinsey Scale. The Kinsey Scale on
sexual orientation basically is a number from one to six.
But the reason why he was so unique in his
research is he asked people two things.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
He asked them first of all, about their.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Sexual behavior and put them on a scale of heterosexual
versus homosexual or anything in between. But he also asked
them what do they sometimes fantasize about? Because when he
did this work in the nineteen forties, fifties, and sixties,
there were so many people forced to be in the
closet culturally that the only way they could have a
(02:42):
healthy sexual experience was to fantasize a same sex relationship.
And he came up with the Kinsey scale, and what
he found is that it's actually a small minority of
people who are on one extreme end one hundred percent
gay in both behavior and fantasy, or one hundred percent
straight in both behavior and fantasy. The truth is, we
(03:03):
all lie in that gray area in between. Human beings
have the widest range of sexual behavior of any primate species.
I do want to say. According to a recent just
twenty twenty one national survey, they found that sixty percent
of LGBTQ students are still verbally harassed at school. Nearly
(03:28):
a third are often physically harassed. When you zoom in
and just talk about transgender or non binary youth, the
numbers are even worse. Eighty four percent of transgender students
report feeling unsafe at school. That's just at school. I
want you to imagine being fourteen years old, wondering where
(03:50):
you fit in, feeling like there's nobody around you who
sees you, or protects you, or even knows who you
really are. But I want to say something positive here.
The research shows that there are some things that really
do work to help all these young people. And the
(04:13):
biggest thing is that schools offer LGBTQ inclusive curriculum. That
means when kids are reading books that there are queer
characters or lessons that acknowledge their queer history. I personally
was very sad this week to learn that Harvey Milk,
one of the first gay activists.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Who was murdered.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
His name was taken off a naval vessel ship made
me very sad. When there is curriculum that is inclusive
in schools, forty four students in those schools are forty
four percent less likely to hear homophobic remarks, eleven percent
less likely to feel unsafe because of their identity, and
(04:57):
thirteen percent less likely to skip school because they felt unsafe.
And here's the kicker. Students who say they have eleven
or more supportive adults in their lives actually have higher
GPAs they have better grades, they feel safer, they're more
likely to go to college.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So won't you be one of those eleven adults?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Right? Not every child has those eleven adults, And that's
why we need to be this And sometimes it takes
a pride parade. Maybe that's the only place a young
person can see happy, thriving LGBTQ adults. Right, it's a
mirror showing them that their life can be full of
(05:40):
joy and fulfilling. And I got to remind you we
don't need a straight parade, right characters. Straight characters are
not banned from books, they're not targeted by laws, they're
not told they're being inappropriate at school.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Straight kids see themselves everywhere in movies, in classos and
history books. Visibility is power. You know, before the Black
Lives Matter movement, before George Floyd was murdered, As you
may know, I have biracial children, African American and Irish Canadian,
and I didn't realize how few depictions there were of
(06:20):
black characters in my kid's books in advertising until I
had children of color, and I looked around them like
they need to see themselves. They need to see themselves right.
So if you're a parent, a teacher, an auntie, a coach,
just know this. You might be one of those eleven
(06:41):
adults in a young person's life and you might not
always have the right words. You just have to give
them a safe space to be real and authentic. If
you're curious about some of the research I just mentioned,
you can look up doctor Elizabeth Mayer mayor me eye
ers knew book Queer Justice at school. And I just
(07:04):
want to say this to every LGBTQ plus teenager out there.
You're not alone, you're not broken, you're perfect, and you
are deeply loved, at least by me. Let me be
one of your eleven Please, I want to support you.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Hey, when we come back.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
I want to talk specifically to single people. If you're
single and dating, did you know that there are some
tricks your brain might be playing on you, And there
are some hacks that you can do a work around,
and these tricks that your brain is playing on you
might actually be keeping you single. I'll explain when we
come back. You're listening to the dr Wendy Wall Show
on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Welcome back to the Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
don't know if I told you, but I'm writing a
new book. It is so much fun. The working tie,
which may be the end title, of course, is the
title of my most watched video on social media, which
(08:08):
is men Don't.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Fall in love through sex.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I want to use that as the title because it
says everything that needs to be said to single women
looking to have a long term relationship with a guy.
Men don't fall in love with sex. If you're stuck
in hookups and situationships and side pieces and sneaky lakes
and all that, it's not that it's your fault. It's
that you're using different strategies than certain women years when
(08:36):
they're trying to get a commitment. And I was writing
this chapter about some of the cognitive biases. Cognitive biases,
this is like tricks that our brain plays on us.
So here's the thing. Our brains are lazy, pretty lazy.
(08:57):
We have an unconscious and a conscious and unconscious The
stuff we're not aware of.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Are a lot of things like automatic functions.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Like you don't have to tell your heart to beat,
you don't have to tell your lungs to breathe right.
Those are all automatic functions. After you learned how to
ride a bike, you just always know how to do
it right because it's now in your unconscious as an
automatic function. So the other thing the brain does is
it doesn't want to bother your awareness, your consciousness, which
(09:25):
is supposedly we're only aware about ten percent of what's
going on in our brain. The thoughts that you're aware
of are only about ten percent of what's actually happening
in your brain activity, unless you're somebody like me who's
been to years and years of therapy and naturally has
a lot of insight. But anyway, so maybe I know
(09:46):
twenty percent of what's going on in my brain. So
we evolve to have these cognitive biases.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
They're shortcuts.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
It means that the brain doesn't want you to waste
your time having to think through stuff, just makes quick choices.
So I want to talk about some of these cognitive
biases that I believe keep single people single, especially single women. Okay,
but this first one actually applies to everybody of all genders.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
So the first one is.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Called I talk about this a lot, actually the paradox
of choice. So our brain has a really hard time
making choices, and when we have too many options, it
makes it very difficult to choose. I think the psychologists
who did this was from either Berkeley or you see Davis.
I think you see Davis. And she went to a
(10:39):
local gourmet grocery store and said, can I try something?
Can we put out some different taste tests of jams
and we'll have a person at the desk and they'll
have three jams and they can taste and we'll see
if they buy any. And then on another day she
had like fourteen different kinds of jams. And what they
found out is that way more people came up to
(11:00):
the table to test and taste the jams if there
were fourteen, but they bought more when there were only three.
That's why you drive down Rodale Drive and you look
at some of those stores and I'm like, they are
paying all that rent to hang three dresses. That's it, right,
You're more likely to buy something if there's less choice.
So now I want you to think about a dating app.
(11:22):
Oh my goodness, swiping endlessly on apps makes you feel
like there's always a better choice out there, right if
there's this, So the paradox of choice says, not only
is it hard for your brain to make a choice,
but if they do make a choice, if you do
make a choice, you don't value it that much because
(11:42):
you're thinking about the bigger, better deal. So, if you
are single, if you are on those apps, here's how
you get around. Here's the get around, the workaround of
paradox of choice. Number one, Identify your non negotiables, literally,
your must have three traits in somebody, kind, emotional availability, whatever.
Don't let it be just height and body weight and
(12:04):
all that. Just choose three things and only choose people
that have those three things.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Okay, So that starts to limit your choice.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I always suggest, and this is what I did when
I found the love of my life, Julio. Match with
two people at once, just too. Don't let the algorithm
provide you twenty people in your message box to talk to,
and then get on the phone with each of them
and eliminate one. That's all you do. And also, I
want you to get out of your head this idea
(12:35):
that there's a perfect person. I want you to think
about a good enough person and focus on being emotionally
available to them. Okay, so that's cognitive bias number one
that could be keeping you single. The paradox of choice
number two is the anchoring bias. So the human brain
has a tendency to believe the very first piece of
(12:55):
information it gets. We call this the anchor. Then it
over looks all the other pieces when they're making decisions.
So if somebody looks really great in their profile picture,
you know, maybe they put filters on it, whatever, we
tend to overlook the red flags later. Or maybe you're
on a first date with somebody and they do something
(13:16):
really kind like you're like, wow, that's really nice of them.
Then we assume that's their whole global personality, that's their
general personality.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
This creates blind spots, especially early on, and it makes
people cling to their first impression rather than looking for
those red flags.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So the big solution to get around the anchoring bias
wait for a pattern, don't make decisions, don't get emotionally invested,
don't have sex until you've seen consistent positive behaviors like
at least three to five times. Consistent positive behaviors also
stop your brain and make it conscious. Ask questions like, Huh,
(13:58):
what new information have I learned since that first date?
Does this support or contradict my very first impression? And
I have always said, if you want to get over
the anchoring bias, use other people's brains to help you
make decisions. In the early stages of dating a new person,
try to organize like group dates or introduce them to
(14:20):
your friends or family, and then ask the people who
love you to give you the brutal truth of what
they think. I remember dating this guy once and I
thought he was great, and I invited them for dinner
and my kids were there. They were young adult kids.
And then you know, my a girlfriend of mine from
the neighborhood came for dinner, and after he left.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I said, what you think? What you think? And she goes.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
First of all, that dude never looked at me once
during the entire dinner. He had his body turned. He
only cared about you. He has no social skills, And
I was like, oh, that's not going to be my husband.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
All right when we come back.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Some more co native biases that might be keeping you single.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I said by AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. We're talking about tricks that your brain plays
on you when you're a single person trying to find
a mate. And these evolve, these cognitive biases to make
us more efficient, to save us.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Time, but they can also cause problems. All right.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
The next bias is called the bandwagon effect, just like
it sounds. Sometimes it's called herd mentality. It's a phenomenon
where we adopt beliefs or behaviors just because everybody else
is doing it. You know, every teenager has said to
their parent, but everybody's going to the party, but everybody
smoke spot mom. Just because everybody's doing it doesn't mean
(16:05):
we do it in this family, right, That's what all
the moms say.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Back.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Now, in the dating world, we might assume that someone
with lots of followers or getting lots of attention mice,
they must then be a high value mate, right, We're
not looking for the misaligned traits. We're like, oh, they
must be a good person.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Everybody like.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
You know, there's a little interesting gender difference here. Men
generally worry if a woman gets too much attention, either
because they have too much male competition, or they worry
that she's you know, shares her egg with the eggs
with the tribe and she's had too much sexual experience.
In the sexual double standard, the many guys believe women.
On the other hand, we like a player that has
(16:49):
been woman approved. So if he has dated more women
or high status women, we're.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Like, oh, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
That's actually the bandwagon effect, right, And it can hurt
us because we might ignore our true needs and we
might get drawn to people who are just giving us
a performance, or people who are just popular, but not
people who are emotionally available.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
So what do you do?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
What's your work around for this one? So I want
you to tune into how you feel when you're with them,
not how they're perceived online. You know, one time I
had a date with a guy who just his Instagram
was off the charts. He obviously had a lot of
good photographers around him and knew how to use the
filters and knew how to put those pictures of him
(17:34):
on private jets and all this stuff you know they do,
they bag, they bag, they brag, it's not real. And
then I met him and he really didn't have great
social skills at all. And how did I feel around him?
I didn't feel great. I didn't feel like he was warm,
I didn't feel like we were connected. So it didn't
matter how great everyone thought he was and how many
(17:55):
followers he had on his Instagram didn't matter. And the
other question is, oh, that's the other thing. He wants
to take pictures of me all the time to post, Right,
Are they showing up for you consistently in private or
are they just curating a great image of you in public?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Ooh, that's important, right, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Another cognitive bias that might be keeping you single the
confirmation bias. Oh this is a big one. I used
to suffer from it so much so. The confirmation bias
is when the brain seeks out information that supports something
we already.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Believe and ignores all the red flags, all the bad news.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Right, So, in the dating world, you might overlook somebody's
bad behavior. You rationalize that you find excuses for it
because you're hoping that they are the one. But the
confirmation bias, I gotta say it has kept me in
more bad relationships than anything else. I found ways to
(18:55):
rationalize mistreatment. There was a guy I datd for a
bunch of years, and I was in a situationship and
I didn't know it. I made this giant assumption that
we were exclusive without having the conversation. Ladies don't assume anything.
And so, meanwhile, he would disappear, sometimes for days or
a week, and then.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
He called back. I'm so, I've been so busy working.
It's just been so crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
You knew those Academy Award winning performances of apology, and
yet I would have these girlfriends going, hey, I just
saw him out with so and so. I just saw
him in a club with so and so. I just saw,
you know, And I ignored everything they said because I
was only looking for information to confirm that he was great.
So I think you need to pay attention for that.
(19:40):
Great work around here is listen to your people, talk
to your friends who you trust, and also inside your head,
play Devil's advocate. Say, Okay, if I was warning a
girlfriend about this guy. You could switch the gender. If
I was warning a guy friend about this girl, what
would I say? So you can at least put different
(20:00):
thoughts in your head, all right, the in group bias,
it's a little bit like the bandwagon effect, but slightly different.
We prefer human beings, do we trust and prefer people
who have a similar background to us, values or identity.
So if you are only dating within your cultural or
(20:21):
social group because it feels safer, you are limiting your
dating pool. You are shrinking your dating pool. There's some
people who don't like to date outside of their religion,
their race, their political views.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That's a big one, all right.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I want you the solution here is to focus on
someone's core values, their kindness, whether they can grow and
you know, say they're wrong, whether you have shared goals
and expand your dating circle.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
I want you to think about going out there with
a curious mind, not a fearful mind. So instead of
saying I will never date a liberal, I will never
date a Republican, I want you to say, what can
I learn from somebody on the other side of the aisle,
especially if they're good looking and attractive?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
What can I learn?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I think we have time for one more.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
This is a big one that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Keeps people in bad relationships. And I've done it myself,
and I know you have to. The sunk cost bias. Now,
the sunk cost bias says, the more you invest in something,
the harder it is to walk away, even if it's
not working. So the sunk cost bias is the thing
that keeps people addicted to gambling. For instance, they're like,
(21:39):
I just spent one thousand dollars at this blackjack table.
I better put more in because it's got to pay
off at some time.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
No, it may never pay off and you may lose
ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Right. It's the sunk cost bias. Now, in a relationship,
some people stay in really bad relationships for years, either
because they've spent money on it or time or emotional investment, right,
And it causes people to waste so much time in
the wrong relationship because they're afraid of losing what they're in,
(22:17):
what they've invested. And you know what, I say, cut
your losses, cut your losses. The big question, the big
work around here is ask yourself, huh, so if I
met this person today, would I still choose them. M hm.
Think about it, and remember, just because you've invested time,
that's not the same as time well spent. I'm here
(22:39):
to tell you that your future happiness is more important.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
All right.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
When we come back, I'm heading to my social media,
specifically Instagram. If you would like to send me a question,
send me a DM. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's the account at doctor Wendy Walsh. I think I
have a black turtleneck in the picture. I think I
took that picture when I was in New York a
few weeks ago. Nope, must be if you months ago,
because I was cold and I had black turnal nick on. Anyway,
(23:03):
so go to my Instagram, send me a DM. Producer
Kayla will go in and look for the reminder everybody.
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've
written three books on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on
attachment theory. I've been in therapy myself for years. I
have lots of life experience and wisdom, So let me
weigh in on your love life. You're listening to the
(23:25):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on k I AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Okay, this is the.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Segment me well this time and the next segment after
this where I am answering your special relationship questions. You
can send me a DM. Kyla's check and Instagram today,
So just go on to Instagram. My handle is at
Dr Wendy Walsh. That's at doctor Wendy Walsh. Send me
a DM. If we don't get to your question this week,
(24:00):
We'll get to it next week, don't you worry. But
I love to go to social because sometimes people are
way more honest than they are on the phone.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
So let's get to a reminder. I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships,
wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and well I solved
a lot of my own relationship problems working with a
licensed therapist, so I've got plenty of wisdom for you.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Okay, let's get to it. Opening up my dms on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Dear doctor Wendy, we've been talking. She puts that in quotations,
because you know, talking nowadays doesn't mean talking, it means texting. Okay,
we've been talking for three months. He only texts me
at night, never makes plans, and always has an excuse
when I suggest hanging out. I know what this is,
(24:51):
but why do I keep entertaining it? Well, my dear,
I will tell you I used to be exactly like you.
If somebody in my mind was a high value mate
and he was giving me even a morsel of attention,
I would hold on to that text or that late
night voicemail like it was.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
A bar of gold.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
It was so important to my emotional health. It was
only later, when I got into therapy with a very
good therapist that she explained to me that in my case,
he was just a convenient object. He was a convenient
object for my longing and indeed losses that I experienced
early in life. Now your story may be different from mine,
(25:37):
and I want you to go see a therapist because
this is a great opportunity to ask this question and
delve into your childhood and find out where the losses
are and find out why you're longing. I say that
there are many women myself included, or the old me,
not the new me, who are more in love with
(25:59):
longing than they are with the feeling of love, because
the feeling of love feels like peace and security. It
doesn't feel like confusion. You're not asking like why why
is he texting me? Why isn't he getting together.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
For a date? Why?
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Aman?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
That's the confusion, and that means it's not healthy. And
you're sticking with it because that's a feeling that probably
belongs somewhere in your childhood and you're and a therapist
can figure out where that is. And I'm so sorry.
I know it's painful. I don't mean to, you know,
make light of it, but that's probably what's going on,
all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I've been with my girlfriend
(26:37):
for over a year. She has a guy best friend. Oh,
here we go, and even though nothing sketchy's ever happened,
I still feel jealous.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Is that normal?
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Or am I being insecure? That is one hundred percent normal.
And I will tell you this, just like from that
movie when Harry met Sally. Generally, hetero sexual men do
not have close heterosexual women friends unless they're hovering there.
I call them my hoverman. Hovering around as a backup mate.
(27:11):
Not only is your jealousy normal, but also I'm a
little concerned about this best guy friend. Now I'm hearing
the people's screaming at me.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Right now I have a friend. Yeah, it doesn't mean again.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
The women always say that. The women are always like
I can be friends with a guy. Sure I can't. Yeah,
you can, but he's probably not hanging around investing his
time unless he's hoping to get something something down the road.
He's just waiting there for your heart to break and
then you can fall into his arms. So, dude, here's
what you need to do. If you complain about this,
it's going to be a big problem, right because she
(27:44):
now you're so insecure. See, she can say that to you.
I believe what William Shakespeare said, keep your friends close
and your enemy's closer. This dude should be invited to everything,
and you need to be right beside him all the time.
He needs to think twice about having her fall into
his arms should you ever break up. He needs to
(28:06):
think about his bro you and what the bro code
is there. See, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Da da da da. Good luck to you. It's real.
I'm just gonna say it's real.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The feelings you have totally normal, totally authentic, and she
doesn't see what's going on.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
And hey, maybe.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Our guy best friend is gay. If it's a gay
best friend, that's different. But if he's heterosexual, they're having
an emotionally intimate relationship. That's a slippery slope. It's a
slippery slope, all right, to move it along into my DMS.
If you want to send me a relationship question on Instagram,
it's at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Okay, Dear doctor.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Wendy, this is a person a few words, married seven years,
two kids. We barely even kiss anymore unless I initiate.
It's a one, by the way, saying this at this
clipped pace as she's typing, I love my husband, but
I miss feeling desired. How do I bring up wanting
more sex without sounding like I'm complaining? Okay, let's go
(29:14):
back to doctor Wendy's communication sandwich. Remember, starts out with
a layer of love, followed by a layer of something
that's a little hard to chew on, backed up with
another layer of love. So it starts off with a
compliment and then a slight ask and then backed up
quickly with another compliment, because that keeps the defenses down. Secondly,
(29:35):
you should never ever talk about sex in bed. It
should happen while you're driving a car, you're both looking ahead.
It should happen in the vegetable aisle. Maybe when you're
holding a cucumber. No, I don't know, but that's when
that conversation should happen. And it's going to start with
exactly what you told me, Honey. I love you so
(29:56):
so much and I really miss feeling desired. How can
we solve this? Can you tell me how we can
get physically close again? Ask the question, don't demand, just
ask the question. Good luck to you, but it is important.
I mean half of sex is communication, right, all right?
(30:18):
I think I have time for one more before we
go to break. Dear doctor Wendy, we've been dating for
a year and a half. He admits he's quote bad
at communication, but doesn't really do anything to improve it.
I've tried being patient, but how long do I wait
before deciding he's just not trying? You know what this
question really is. This question isn't about him, his behavior,
whether he'll change, how long it'll take this question. Is
(30:41):
you saying to me, what is my boundary? I'm searching
inside myself to figure out how much I can take.
You know, when I first got into therapy and I
was in a really really bad relationship that turned intomestic
violence later and blah blah blah, my therapist used to
say to me, you are very very tolerant, and I
would take it as a compliment. I go, yes, I
(31:03):
am I. And you know, I was having a conversation
with another friend recently and I use that line on her.
I go, you're very tolerant. She goes, no, I'm not.
I'm forgiving, and I'm very proud of how forgiving I am.
And I'm like, oh my goodness. No boundaries, no boundaries,
no boundaries. Okay, So this is for you to search
inside yourself and figure out where that line is, because
you don't know where the line is. Is he crossing,
(31:24):
Like you're doing the cost benefit analysis as well. He's nice,
or he's good in bed, or he pays for things
or whatever, but then he doesn't communicate, right, So you
need to figure out what you can take three years
from now, five years from now, ten years now, and
also what you'd be teaching your children if you had
children together.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
That's all I'm saying. All Right, when we.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Come back, I will continue to answer your questions if
you send them to me on social media. My handle
everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
A M six forty
This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI
AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on.
Speaker 2 (00:15):
The iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 1 (00:17):
I cannot believe it is the end of Pride Month.
Tomorrow's last day the month of June. You've seen the
rainbow flags everywhere. Hopefully you've been waving your flag and
wearing your flag as much as possible. It's interesting that
Pride month is the month of June in the United States,
Canada and the UK. But remember when I was on
(00:38):
my honeymoon with Julio. We run our honeymoon back in
February in Australia. Down in the Southern Hemisphere. They tend
to do it in February, so I got to do
it twice. I got to celebrate pride, gay pride everywhere.
Speaker 2 (00:50):
I remember one time I didn't know what pride meant.
Speaker 1 (00:53):
I was at a cocktail party and this woman had
told me she went to Harvard and she recently went
back for a pride event for her school, And I said,
what's school? She said Harvard, And I'm like, I think
you guys are proud enough, right, you need to go
and have a pride event to be proud of Harvard.
Want no no LGBTQ plus. I was like, oh my gosh,
(01:14):
I'm so embarrassed. Some people say, I hear it. Why
do we still need pride? Why isn't there straight pride?
Or I hate that one? You know what, Let's talk
about what's really at stake for lesbian, gay, by transsexual
and queer and anybody else in that category youth, and
what the research says and why our support, our public support,
(01:38):
and our visibility can literally save lives.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
Right, I've heard people.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Say this kind of stuff. Why do we need pride
parades anymore? Look, isn't same sex marriage legal? Isn't it
all equal? Now? Isn't our work done? Or the one
I hate? Why isn't there a straight Pride month? Because
that's the majority of people. Okay, I just want to
pause to say it has been years since Alfred Kinsey
(02:07):
came up with the Kinsey Scale. The Kinsey Scale on
sexual orientation basically is a number from one to six.
But the reason why he was so unique in his
research is he asked people two things.
Speaker 2 (02:19):
He asked them first of all, about their.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
Sexual behavior and put them on a scale of heterosexual
versus homosexual or anything in between. But he also asked
them what do they sometimes fantasize about? Because when he
did this work in the nineteen forties, fifties, and sixties,
there were so many people forced to be in the
closet culturally that the only way they could have a
(02:42):
healthy sexual experience was to fantasize a same sex relationship.
And he came up with the Kinsey scale, and what
he found is that it's actually a small minority of
people who are on one extreme end one hundred percent
gay in both behavior and fantasy, or one hundred percent
straight in both behavior and fantasy. The truth is, we
(03:03):
all lie in that gray area in between. Human beings
have the widest range of sexual behavior of any primate species.
I do want to say. According to a recent just
twenty twenty one national survey, they found that sixty percent
of LGBTQ students are still verbally harassed at school. Nearly
(03:28):
a third are often physically harassed. When you zoom in
and just talk about transgender or non binary youth, the
numbers are even worse. Eighty four percent of transgender students
report feeling unsafe at school. That's just at school. I
want you to imagine being fourteen years old, wondering where
(03:50):
you fit in, feeling like there's nobody around you who
sees you, or protects you, or even knows who you
really are. But I want to say something positive here.
The research shows that there are some things that really
do work to help all these young people. And the
(04:13):
biggest thing is that schools offer LGBTQ inclusive curriculum. That
means when kids are reading books that there are queer
characters or lessons that acknowledge their queer history. I personally
was very sad this week to learn that Harvey Milk,
one of the first gay activists.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
Who was murdered.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
His name was taken off a naval vessel ship made
me very sad. When there is curriculum that is inclusive
in schools, forty four students in those schools are forty
four percent less likely to hear homophobic remarks, eleven percent
less likely to feel unsafe because of their identity, and
(04:57):
thirteen percent less likely to skip school because they felt unsafe.
And here's the kicker. Students who say they have eleven
or more supportive adults in their lives actually have higher
GPAs they have better grades, they feel safer, they're more
likely to go to college.
Speaker 2 (05:14):
So won't you be one of those eleven adults?
Speaker 1 (05:17):
Right? Not every child has those eleven adults, And that's
why we need to be this And sometimes it takes
a pride parade. Maybe that's the only place a young
person can see happy, thriving LGBTQ adults. Right, it's a
mirror showing them that their life can be full of
(05:40):
joy and fulfilling. And I got to remind you we
don't need a straight parade, right characters. Straight characters are
not banned from books, they're not targeted by laws, they're
not told they're being inappropriate at school.
Speaker 2 (05:56):
Right.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Straight kids see themselves everywhere in movies, in classos and
history books. Visibility is power. You know, before the Black
Lives Matter movement, before George Floyd was murdered, As you
may know, I have biracial children, African American and Irish Canadian,
and I didn't realize how few depictions there were of
(06:20):
black characters in my kid's books in advertising until I
had children of color, and I looked around them like
they need to see themselves. They need to see themselves right.
So if you're a parent, a teacher, an auntie, a coach,
just know this. You might be one of those eleven
(06:41):
adults in a young person's life and you might not
always have the right words. You just have to give
them a safe space to be real and authentic. If
you're curious about some of the research I just mentioned,
you can look up doctor Elizabeth Mayer mayor me eye
ers knew book Queer Justice at school. And I just
(07:04):
want to say this to every LGBTQ plus teenager out there.
You're not alone, you're not broken, you're perfect, and you
are deeply loved, at least by me. Let me be
one of your eleven Please, I want to support you.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Hey, when we come back.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
I want to talk specifically to single people. If you're
single and dating, did you know that there are some
tricks your brain might be playing on you, And there
are some hacks that you can do a work around,
and these tricks that your brain is playing on you
might actually be keeping you single. I'll explain when we
come back. You're listening to the dr Wendy Wall Show
on KFI AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (07:43):
We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 1 (07:46):
Welcome back to the Doctor, Wendy Wall Show and KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I
don't know if I told you, but I'm writing a
new book. It is so much fun. The working tie,
which may be the end title, of course, is the
title of my most watched video on social media, which
(08:08):
is men Don't.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
Fall in love through sex.
Speaker 1 (08:11):
I want to use that as the title because it
says everything that needs to be said to single women
looking to have a long term relationship with a guy.
Men don't fall in love with sex. If you're stuck
in hookups and situationships and side pieces and sneaky lakes
and all that, it's not that it's your fault. It's
that you're using different strategies than certain women years when
(08:36):
they're trying to get a commitment. And I was writing
this chapter about some of the cognitive biases. Cognitive biases,
this is like tricks that our brain plays on us.
So here's the thing. Our brains are lazy, pretty lazy.
(08:57):
We have an unconscious and a conscious and unconscious The
stuff we're not aware of.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
Are a lot of things like automatic functions.
Speaker 1 (09:04):
Like you don't have to tell your heart to beat,
you don't have to tell your lungs to breathe right.
Those are all automatic functions. After you learned how to
ride a bike, you just always know how to do
it right because it's now in your unconscious as an
automatic function. So the other thing the brain does is
it doesn't want to bother your awareness, your consciousness, which
(09:25):
is supposedly we're only aware about ten percent of what's
going on in our brain. The thoughts that you're aware
of are only about ten percent of what's actually happening
in your brain activity, unless you're somebody like me who's
been to years and years of therapy and naturally has
a lot of insight. But anyway, so maybe I know
(09:46):
twenty percent of what's going on in my brain. So
we evolve to have these cognitive biases.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
They're shortcuts.
Speaker 1 (09:54):
It means that the brain doesn't want you to waste
your time having to think through stuff, just makes quick choices.
So I want to talk about some of these cognitive
biases that I believe keep single people single, especially single women. Okay,
but this first one actually applies to everybody of all genders.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
So the first one is.
Speaker 1 (10:17):
Called I talk about this a lot, actually the paradox
of choice. So our brain has a really hard time
making choices, and when we have too many options, it
makes it very difficult to choose. I think the psychologists
who did this was from either Berkeley or you see Davis.
I think you see Davis. And she went to a
(10:39):
local gourmet grocery store and said, can I try something?
Can we put out some different taste tests of jams
and we'll have a person at the desk and they'll
have three jams and they can taste and we'll see
if they buy any. And then on another day she
had like fourteen different kinds of jams. And what they
found out is that way more people came up to
(11:00):
the table to test and taste the jams if there
were fourteen, but they bought more when there were only three.
That's why you drive down Rodale Drive and you look
at some of those stores and I'm like, they are
paying all that rent to hang three dresses. That's it, right,
You're more likely to buy something if there's less choice.
So now I want you to think about a dating app.
(11:22):
Oh my goodness, swiping endlessly on apps makes you feel
like there's always a better choice out there, right if
there's this, So the paradox of choice says, not only
is it hard for your brain to make a choice,
but if they do make a choice, if you do
make a choice, you don't value it that much because
(11:42):
you're thinking about the bigger, better deal. So, if you
are single, if you are on those apps, here's how
you get around. Here's the get around, the workaround of
paradox of choice. Number one, Identify your non negotiables, literally,
your must have three traits in somebody, kind, emotional availability, whatever.
Don't let it be just height and body weight and
(12:04):
all that. Just choose three things and only choose people
that have those three things.
Speaker 2 (12:11):
Okay, So that starts to limit your choice.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I always suggest, and this is what I did when
I found the love of my life, Julio. Match with
two people at once, just too. Don't let the algorithm
provide you twenty people in your message box to talk to,
and then get on the phone with each of them
and eliminate one. That's all you do. And also, I
want you to get out of your head this idea
(12:35):
that there's a perfect person. I want you to think
about a good enough person and focus on being emotionally
available to them. Okay, so that's cognitive bias number one
that could be keeping you single. The paradox of choice
number two is the anchoring bias. So the human brain
has a tendency to believe the very first piece of
(12:55):
information it gets. We call this the anchor. Then it
over looks all the other pieces when they're making decisions.
So if somebody looks really great in their profile picture,
you know, maybe they put filters on it, whatever, we
tend to overlook the red flags later. Or maybe you're
on a first date with somebody and they do something
(13:16):
really kind like you're like, wow, that's really nice of them.
Then we assume that's their whole global personality, that's their
general personality.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (13:27):
This creates blind spots, especially early on, and it makes
people cling to their first impression rather than looking for
those red flags.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
Right.
Speaker 1 (13:37):
So the big solution to get around the anchoring bias
wait for a pattern, don't make decisions, don't get emotionally invested,
don't have sex until you've seen consistent positive behaviors like
at least three to five times. Consistent positive behaviors also
stop your brain and make it conscious. Ask questions like, Huh,
(13:58):
what new information have I learned since that first date?
Does this support or contradict my very first impression? And
I have always said, if you want to get over
the anchoring bias, use other people's brains to help you
make decisions. In the early stages of dating a new person,
try to organize like group dates or introduce them to
(14:20):
your friends or family, and then ask the people who
love you to give you the brutal truth of what
they think. I remember dating this guy once and I
thought he was great, and I invited them for dinner
and my kids were there. They were young adult kids.
And then you know, my a girlfriend of mine from
the neighborhood came for dinner, and after he left.
Speaker 2 (14:40):
I said, what you think? What you think? And she goes.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
First of all, that dude never looked at me once
during the entire dinner. He had his body turned. He
only cared about you. He has no social skills, And
I was like, oh, that's not going to be my husband.
Speaker 2 (14:57):
All right when we come back.
Speaker 1 (14:58):
Some more co native biases that might be keeping you single.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (15:13):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 2 (15:20):
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
I said by AM six forty Live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. We're talking about tricks that your brain plays
on you when you're a single person trying to find
a mate. And these evolve, these cognitive biases to make
us more efficient, to save us.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Time, but they can also cause problems. All right.
Speaker 1 (15:41):
The next bias is called the bandwagon effect, just like
it sounds. Sometimes it's called herd mentality. It's a phenomenon
where we adopt beliefs or behaviors just because everybody else
is doing it. You know, every teenager has said to
their parent, but everybody's going to the party, but everybody
smoke spot mom. Just because everybody's doing it doesn't mean
(16:05):
we do it in this family, right, That's what all
the moms say.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Back.
Speaker 1 (16:09):
Now, in the dating world, we might assume that someone
with lots of followers or getting lots of attention mice,
they must then be a high value mate, right, We're
not looking for the misaligned traits. We're like, oh, they
must be a good person.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
Everybody like.
Speaker 1 (16:27):
You know, there's a little interesting gender difference here. Men
generally worry if a woman gets too much attention, either
because they have too much male competition, or they worry
that she's you know, shares her egg with the eggs
with the tribe and she's had too much sexual experience.
In the sexual double standard, the many guys believe women.
On the other hand, we like a player that has
(16:49):
been woman approved. So if he has dated more women
or high status women, we're.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
Like, oh, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (16:55):
That's actually the bandwagon effect, right, And it can hurt
us because we might ignore our true needs and we
might get drawn to people who are just giving us
a performance, or people who are just popular, but not
people who are emotionally available.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
So what do you do?
Speaker 1 (17:13):
What's your work around for this one? So I want
you to tune into how you feel when you're with them,
not how they're perceived online. You know, one time I
had a date with a guy who just his Instagram
was off the charts. He obviously had a lot of
good photographers around him and knew how to use the
filters and knew how to put those pictures of him
(17:34):
on private jets and all this stuff you know they do,
they bag, they bag, they brag, it's not real. And
then I met him and he really didn't have great
social skills at all. And how did I feel around him?
I didn't feel great. I didn't feel like he was warm,
I didn't feel like we were connected. So it didn't
matter how great everyone thought he was and how many
(17:55):
followers he had on his Instagram didn't matter. And the
other question is, oh, that's the other thing. He wants
to take pictures of me all the time to post, Right,
Are they showing up for you consistently in private or
are they just curating a great image of you in public?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
Ooh, that's important, right, all right.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Another cognitive bias that might be keeping you single the
confirmation bias. Oh this is a big one. I used
to suffer from it so much so. The confirmation bias
is when the brain seeks out information that supports something
we already.
Speaker 2 (18:29):
Believe and ignores all the red flags, all the bad news.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
Right, So, in the dating world, you might overlook somebody's
bad behavior. You rationalize that you find excuses for it
because you're hoping that they are the one. But the
confirmation bias, I gotta say it has kept me in
more bad relationships than anything else. I found ways to
(18:55):
rationalize mistreatment. There was a guy I datd for a
bunch of years, and I was in a situationship and
I didn't know it. I made this giant assumption that
we were exclusive without having the conversation. Ladies don't assume anything.
And so, meanwhile, he would disappear, sometimes for days or
a week, and then.
Speaker 2 (19:14):
He called back. I'm so, I've been so busy working.
It's just been so crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:17):
You knew those Academy Award winning performances of apology, and
yet I would have these girlfriends going, hey, I just
saw him out with so and so. I just saw
him in a club with so and so. I just saw,
you know, And I ignored everything they said because I
was only looking for information to confirm that he was great.
So I think you need to pay attention for that.
(19:40):
Great work around here is listen to your people, talk
to your friends who you trust, and also inside your head,
play Devil's advocate. Say, Okay, if I was warning a
girlfriend about this guy. You could switch the gender. If
I was warning a guy friend about this girl, what
would I say? So you can at least put different
(20:00):
thoughts in your head, all right, the in group bias,
it's a little bit like the bandwagon effect, but slightly different.
We prefer human beings, do we trust and prefer people
who have a similar background to us, values or identity.
So if you are only dating within your cultural or
(20:21):
social group because it feels safer, you are limiting your
dating pool. You are shrinking your dating pool. There's some
people who don't like to date outside of their religion,
their race, their political views.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
That's a big one, all right.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I want you the solution here is to focus on
someone's core values, their kindness, whether they can grow and
you know, say they're wrong, whether you have shared goals
and expand your dating circle.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Right.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
I want you to think about going out there with
a curious mind, not a fearful mind. So instead of
saying I will never date a liberal, I will never
date a Republican, I want you to say, what can
I learn from somebody on the other side of the aisle,
especially if they're good looking and attractive?
Speaker 2 (21:15):
What can I learn?
Speaker 1 (21:17):
Right?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
I think we have time for one more.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (21:18):
This is a big one that.
Speaker 1 (21:19):
Keeps people in bad relationships. And I've done it myself,
and I know you have to. The sunk cost bias. Now,
the sunk cost bias says, the more you invest in something,
the harder it is to walk away, even if it's
not working. So the sunk cost bias is the thing
that keeps people addicted to gambling. For instance, they're like,
(21:39):
I just spent one thousand dollars at this blackjack table.
I better put more in because it's got to pay
off at some time.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
Right.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
No, it may never pay off and you may lose
ten thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
Right. It's the sunk cost bias. Now, in a relationship,
some people stay in really bad relationships for years, either
because they've spent money on it or time or emotional investment, right,
And it causes people to waste so much time in
the wrong relationship because they're afraid of losing what they're in,
(22:17):
what they've invested. And you know what, I say, cut
your losses, cut your losses. The big question, the big
work around here is ask yourself, huh, so if I
met this person today, would I still choose them. M hm.
Think about it, and remember, just because you've invested time,
that's not the same as time well spent. I'm here
(22:39):
to tell you that your future happiness is more important.
Speaker 3 (22:42):
All right.
Speaker 1 (22:43):
When we come back, I'm heading to my social media,
specifically Instagram. If you would like to send me a question,
send me a DM. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's the account at doctor Wendy Walsh. I think I
have a black turtleneck in the picture. I think I
took that picture when I was in New York a
few weeks ago. Nope, must be if you months ago,
because I was cold and I had black turnal nick on. Anyway,
(23:03):
so go to my Instagram, send me a DM. Producer
Kayla will go in and look for the reminder everybody.
I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've
written three books on relationships. I wrote a dissertation on
attachment theory. I've been in therapy myself for years. I
have lots of life experience and wisdom, So let me
weigh in on your love life. You're listening to the
(23:25):
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on k I AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
Speaker 2 (23:36):
Okay, this is the.
Speaker 1 (23:38):
Segment me well this time and the next segment after
this where I am answering your special relationship questions. You
can send me a DM. Kyla's check and Instagram today,
So just go on to Instagram. My handle is at
Dr Wendy Walsh. That's at doctor Wendy Walsh. Send me
a DM. If we don't get to your question this week,
(24:00):
We'll get to it next week, don't you worry. But
I love to go to social because sometimes people are
way more honest than they are on the phone.
Speaker 2 (24:08):
So let's get to a reminder. I'm not a therapist.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships,
wrote a dissertation on attachment theory, and well I solved
a lot of my own relationship problems working with a
licensed therapist, so I've got plenty of wisdom for you.
Speaker 2 (24:23):
Okay, let's get to it. Opening up my dms on Instagram.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Here we go.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
Dear doctor Wendy, we've been talking. She puts that in quotations,
because you know, talking nowadays doesn't mean talking, it means texting. Okay,
we've been talking for three months. He only texts me
at night, never makes plans, and always has an excuse
when I suggest hanging out. I know what this is,
(24:51):
but why do I keep entertaining it? Well, my dear,
I will tell you I used to be exactly like you.
If somebody in my mind was a high value mate
and he was giving me even a morsel of attention,
I would hold on to that text or that late
night voicemail like it was.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
A bar of gold.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
It was so important to my emotional health. It was
only later, when I got into therapy with a very
good therapist that she explained to me that in my case,
he was just a convenient object. He was a convenient
object for my longing and indeed losses that I experienced
early in life. Now your story may be different from mine,
(25:37):
and I want you to go see a therapist because
this is a great opportunity to ask this question and
delve into your childhood and find out where the losses
are and find out why you're longing. I say that
there are many women myself included, or the old me,
not the new me, who are more in love with
(25:59):
longing than they are with the feeling of love, because
the feeling of love feels like peace and security. It
doesn't feel like confusion. You're not asking like why why
is he texting me? Why isn't he getting together.
Speaker 2 (26:13):
For a date? Why?
Speaker 3 (26:13):
Aman?
Speaker 1 (26:14):
That's the confusion, and that means it's not healthy. And
you're sticking with it because that's a feeling that probably
belongs somewhere in your childhood and you're and a therapist
can figure out where that is. And I'm so sorry.
I know it's painful. I don't mean to, you know,
make light of it, but that's probably what's going on,
all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I've been with my girlfriend
(26:37):
for over a year. She has a guy best friend. Oh,
here we go, and even though nothing sketchy's ever happened,
I still feel jealous.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Is that normal?
Speaker 1 (26:48):
Or am I being insecure? That is one hundred percent normal.
And I will tell you this, just like from that
movie when Harry met Sally. Generally, hetero sexual men do
not have close heterosexual women friends unless they're hovering there.
I call them my hoverman. Hovering around as a backup mate.
(27:11):
Not only is your jealousy normal, but also I'm a
little concerned about this best guy friend. Now I'm hearing
the people's screaming at me.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Right now I have a friend. Yeah, it doesn't mean again.
Speaker 1 (27:23):
The women always say that. The women are always like
I can be friends with a guy. Sure I can't. Yeah,
you can, but he's probably not hanging around investing his
time unless he's hoping to get something something down the road.
He's just waiting there for your heart to break and
then you can fall into his arms. So, dude, here's
what you need to do. If you complain about this,
it's going to be a big problem, right because she
(27:44):
now you're so insecure. See, she can say that to you.
I believe what William Shakespeare said, keep your friends close
and your enemy's closer. This dude should be invited to everything,
and you need to be right beside him all the time.
He needs to think twice about having her fall into
his arms should you ever break up. He needs to
(28:06):
think about his bro you and what the bro code
is there. See, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Speaker 2 (28:16):
Da da da da. Good luck to you. It's real.
I'm just gonna say it's real.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
The feelings you have totally normal, totally authentic, and she
doesn't see what's going on.
Speaker 2 (28:26):
And hey, maybe.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
Our guy best friend is gay. If it's a gay
best friend, that's different. But if he's heterosexual, they're having
an emotionally intimate relationship. That's a slippery slope. It's a
slippery slope, all right, to move it along into my DMS.
If you want to send me a relationship question on Instagram,
it's at doctor Wendy Walsh.
Speaker 2 (28:48):
Okay, Dear doctor.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
Wendy, this is a person a few words, married seven years,
two kids. We barely even kiss anymore unless I initiate.
It's a one, by the way, saying this at this
clipped pace as she's typing, I love my husband, but
I miss feeling desired. How do I bring up wanting
more sex without sounding like I'm complaining? Okay, let's go
(29:14):
back to doctor Wendy's communication sandwich. Remember, starts out with
a layer of love, followed by a layer of something
that's a little hard to chew on, backed up with
another layer of love. So it starts off with a
compliment and then a slight ask and then backed up
quickly with another compliment, because that keeps the defenses down. Secondly,
(29:35):
you should never ever talk about sex in bed. It
should happen while you're driving a car, you're both looking ahead.
It should happen in the vegetable aisle. Maybe when you're
holding a cucumber. No, I don't know, but that's when
that conversation should happen. And it's going to start with
exactly what you told me, Honey. I love you so
(29:56):
so much and I really miss feeling desired. How can
we solve this? Can you tell me how we can
get physically close again? Ask the question, don't demand, just
ask the question. Good luck to you, but it is important.
I mean half of sex is communication, right, all right?
(30:18):
I think I have time for one more before we
go to break. Dear doctor Wendy, we've been dating for
a year and a half. He admits he's quote bad
at communication, but doesn't really do anything to improve it.
I've tried being patient, but how long do I wait
before deciding he's just not trying? You know what this
question really is. This question isn't about him, his behavior,
whether he'll change, how long it'll take this question. Is
(30:41):
you saying to me, what is my boundary? I'm searching
inside myself to figure out how much I can take.
You know, when I first got into therapy and I
was in a really really bad relationship that turned intomestic
violence later and blah blah blah, my therapist used to
say to me, you are very very tolerant, and I
would take it as a compliment. I go, yes, I
(31:03):
am I. And you know, I was having a conversation
with another friend recently and I use that line on her.
I go, you're very tolerant. She goes, no, I'm not.
I'm forgiving, and I'm very proud of how forgiving I am.
And I'm like, oh my goodness. No boundaries, no boundaries,
no boundaries. Okay, So this is for you to search
inside yourself and figure out where that line is, because
you don't know where the line is. Is he crossing,
(31:24):
Like you're doing the cost benefit analysis as well. He's nice,
or he's good in bed, or he pays for things
or whatever, but then he doesn't communicate, right, So you
need to figure out what you can take three years
from now, five years from now, ten years now, and
also what you'd be teaching your children if you had
children together.
Speaker 2 (31:42):
That's all I'm saying. All Right, when we.
Speaker 1 (31:44):
Come back, I will continue to answer your questions if
you send them to me on social media. My handle
everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
A M six forty
Dr. Wendy Walsh on Demand News
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