November 27, 2025 • 31 mins
In Hour 2 of the Best of the Tim Conway Jr. Show: Thanksgiving Day Edition, the stories just keep getting better. Tim kicks things off with a wild tale about his legendary father, comedian Tim Conway, and a run-in with the Chicago Mob — yes, really. Then it’s edible chaos as Conway and The Foosh swap weed stories involving gummies, edibles, and confusion. Next up, it's classic radio gold: Mark Thompson gets pulled over but can’t understand a word the officer is saying through the distorted loudspeaker. And to top it all off, we bring in the brilliantly funny Brian Regan sharing one of the best flying stories you’ve ever heard.
It’s storytelling at its absolute finest — weird, real, and wildly entertaining.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
It's KFI AM six forty and you're listening to the
Conway Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. It's the
best of Conway Show, perfect for Thanksgiving because nothing says
family time like hiding in your room and listening to kfive.
So here's the story. My dad back in the nineteen
(00:23):
they have been late sixties, early seventies. I think I
was seven or eight years old, so it could have
been sixty nine seventies somewhere in there. And he was
asked to do a charity event in Chicago. We were
in Cleveland at the time, and he was asked to
do a charity event in Chicago, and they were going
to fly in to Chicago. He was going to do,
(00:45):
you know, a half hour, forty five minutes of jokes,
the people can ask him questions about his career, about
Michael's Navy, the whole run. And so they fly him
to Chicago from Hopkins Airport in Cleveland. Not a private jet,
you know, passenger, public transport, public airways. They fly him
(01:06):
to Chicago, they pick him up, he does his set,
does the charity and he notices that there's a lot
of guys who worked for the city. There you know,
a lot of the city employees there. And back in
the sixties and early seventies in Chicago, the mob ran
(01:26):
that town Chicago. I don't know if they still do,
but they did then. And my dad met a few
of those guys, but it wasn't filled with those guys.
There was like one or two table of those guys
and the rest of them were you know, city employees.
Probably about two thousand people there. There's a big deal.
And so they thanked my dad for doing the event.
(01:49):
And he literally went there at I don't know, he
left Cleveland at noon and he was home the next
day by noon. So it's just a one day event.
And he gets back and we pick him up at
the air you know. How was the event? Doll was
grades a lot of people are and it was a
really cool event. And they and they gave me some
Tonka toys for you kids, and I said, oh, that's
(02:10):
very nice. You know, we're young, seven, eight years old,
nine years old. So we get back to my grandparents'
house and my dad gives me this box. But it's
a Tonka truck and you could see through the cell
offhane at the truck and I opened it up and
in the bottom of it was fifty thousand dollars in cash.
(02:35):
Stuck in the bottom of that box was fifty thousand
dollars in cash. And I said to my dad and said, hey,
you know there's money in this box. And he says, well,
what do you mean money? And I showed him and
there was fifty thousand dollars in cash, and my dad
turned white as a ghost. Pretty white guy anyway, but
(02:56):
even wider. And he got on the phone and he
called the guys that did the event and he said, hey,
somebody put fifty thousand or maybe he is missing fifty
thousand dollars and they put it his Tonqua truck case.
And I don't want someone to come after me because
they're you know, they switched boxes. You know, it's a
(03:18):
mob box that should have gone to this guy. And
I was like, now I have it, and the guy said, no, no, no,
that's just us saying thank you for doing the event.
That's all yours. And my dad said, okay, I'd like
to fly back to Cleveland or to Chicago on my
own dime and give you this money back. And the
guy says, well, no, that's your appearance fee. He said, no, no,
(03:40):
I told you, I'll do the event for free. I'm
going to fly back. I'll each at the airport and
I'm going to give you this fifty thousand dollars. He
flew back to Chicago, gave him the fifty grand, and
then flew back to Cleveland.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Did he check the bag with the fifty grand?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
I don't know, but I think he. I don't know
about the details, but they know. He gave the money
back and he flew back to Cleveland and I said,
and even at a young age, I said, wow, what
happened here? Why'd you do that?
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Dead?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yeah, and there's fifty that's a lot of money. Look
in retrospect, I would have never told my dad, you know,
he'd give me the money. I should have socked it away.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And where'des twenty grand from your Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:20):
No, that's right. Your kid's new car is extraordinary and
he's only eleven.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
The biggest mistake of my life is telling my dad
that I had that cash. And he returned the money,
and I said, what had happened? And like years later
he explained it to me. He said, Look, you were
too young for me to explain it to you. But
that's how you become indebted to the mob. You do
them a favor, they pay you fifty grand. Now you
(04:45):
got to do them another one. Then they pay you
one hundred grand. Now you gotta do another one. They
pay and that's all of a sudden, you're in their
life and you're flying around doing all kinds of events
for these guys. And he goes, I don't want to
do that. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. Ultimately,
he should have gone that route.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
Oh if it sounds to me like I got a
pretty good gig going, and look what happened at Sinatra.
You know, don't look how much money, but Sinatra made
fifty grand, hun grand, one hundred and fifty grand. That's rights,
we're going the right way. I don't have the problem is.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
But I do remember this. I remember very distinctly. My
dad's doing a video late in life called Dwarfun Fishing,
and we're out at Lake cats Steak and the sun's
going down. They can't get the shot, and my dad's
cold and he's wet, and I said to him, I said,
should have kept that fifty grand. And you never really
(05:39):
hear my dad swear, but I heard him few.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
You know, that is great, that's a great story.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And I must say, eve a thousand dollars back in
nineteen sixty nine, what is that worth now? Three four
hundred thousand?
Speaker 4 (05:50):
I can imagine that amount, and I'm not sure even
with the uh in retrospect, I'm sorry. I get his
it speaks to his purity of heart and understanding things,
But I don't know, man.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I he should have gone that round.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
I might have.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, fifty grand from nineteen sixty nine would be roughly
four hundred and thirty thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
To Wow, how about that that Tonka truck.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
That's real, that's a real talk. Yeah, that's a real truney.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Yeah. I knew there was something odd about it because
it was a Tonka truck with a cellfhane wrap around it,
and then there was sort of like a big back
end of it that I thought maybe there was another
you know, attachment to the truck inside there.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Like the extension.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah right, yeah, yeah, there was there was nothing and
the like nothing going on in there. Oh that's where
the fifty grand was in that one. And thank god
that I got it because they gave you know, he
gave enough of these Tonka trucks for me and my brothers,
my sister. And if my brothers got that fifty grand,
you would mum was the word.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Man.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
They would have never said anything. My dad would have
been all mobbed up for the rest of his life.
Speaker 4 (06:56):
If that's the movie, right, the kid take the money.
You didn't take it, but your kid took it, and
now you're in debt to the mob. That's the movie.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
He's all mobbed exactly. He's nine years old smoking a cigar, right,
you know. And and the reason why he didn't want
to do it is because there was a big, huge
mob war going on between Cleveland and Chicago, and my
dad lived in Cleveland. Sure, so he didn't want the
Cleveland mob pissed at him that he's all mobbed up
with the Chicago guys, you know, because that's where you
(07:26):
really run into trouble, you know, when you live in
a town and you're mobbed up with another town. That's
when they come buy and say, hey, what's going on
with you? You know? So he knew it, My dad
knew going on.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
It sounds like it was the right move.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Actually, yeah, it turns out it probably was, But I
don't know, should have kept the doe.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
Should kept the doe and take more. Took money from
the Cleveland mob too. I see, you know, well, I
think that doesn't end well.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
A Sinatra, how it ends? You know you're worth the
eight hundred million dollars and your name's all over the place.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
About ten twelve years ago, somebody gave me some gummies.
They didn't work here. As a friend from outside of KFI,
I saw that pretty good, and they gave me no okay,
they gave me a package of ten gummies and I
(08:24):
decided to take one before the show and it did nothing.
Did three hours, went home, nothing and I called them.
I said, hey, those gummies are pretty weak, and he said, well,
how made you take I said, I took one. He said, oh, well,
you know you drink every night. It's not going to
do anything. I goh, thanks, thanks for that compliment. And
(08:46):
so the next night or two nights later, I took three.
And we were on seven to ten PM at that time,
and at seven thirty the it hit me. The gummies
hit me, and the whole building started shaking. It felt
(09:08):
like it was shaking, shaking. Yeah, it felt like the
whole building was moving. And I'm like, I have got
two and a half hours left, and now I'm panicking.
I'm sweating, and I'm watching what everyone says, because I
think that everyone is saying every time somebody opens their mouth,
I think it's something they shouldn't say on the air,
or it's not allowed by the FCC, or it's racist,
(09:30):
or it's anti religion. I'm like, keep hitting the dump button,
like oh angel, oh belly, Oh no, no, you didn't
mean that. You didn't mean that. And then the buildings,
you know, moving again. And then Aaron Bender was here
doing the news and he clicked, he hits the button,
the talkback button, and he says, are you going to
(09:51):
mention this? And I thought he meant mentioned the fact
that I'm on three gummies, and I said mention and
what he said, tim the building's moving. We just had
a five point eight earthquake. And I'm like, oh, I
thought that was me. He goes, no, it's not you, well,
cheap part of you, but it's also all of southern California.
(10:15):
And so we did two and a half hours of
talking about the earthquake where the blackouts are. All the
fire you know houses have the ambulance, the fire trucks
station outside in case the fire houses you know, collapse.
And then every break I called my wife and my
(10:36):
daughter and they were living in NoHo fourteen on the
fourteenth story of an apartment building, and the whole building
was shaking. The chandelier was moving. You could feel the
entire building. It was on rollers and the whole building
moving back and forth. And I called my wife every
break to see if she was okay, every break, and
(10:59):
I finally got home. I have not had a gummy
since that was twelve years ago, not a single gummy,
because I can't control it. You know, you can control
your buzz with beer or wine or shots. You can
control where you are, and then you can eat if
you're getting too buzzed and sort of soak up that liquor.
(11:20):
Everybody knows where you were, You know where you are.
When it comes to drinking, you know that you have
to have food in you, and you have rules. You
have to have water before you get to bed. You
can't have any anything sweet before you go to bed.
You can't drink and also have sweets at the same time.
That'll give you a headache, that'll get you hungover. You
can't have a baked potato while you drink because of
all the sugar that's in a baked potato. Everybody has
(11:42):
rules when you drink, But when you take gummies, what
are the rules? I don't know. And how do you
know when you're taken too many and flip out like
I did? Not Krozier, but steps have you ever taken
too many gummies where you flipped out?
Speaker 5 (11:59):
Yeah, my idiot ex best friend had some cookies and
she gave me a quarter one and she had the
she had the other quarter, and you know, we were
just hanging out. We went to dinner and it was
me and her and a couple of mutual friends. And
(12:20):
she couldn't finish and she was like, oh, just have
the rest. This was the first time I ever had
any kind of edible, and she gave me the other two.
I swear I was inside out of myself. No, that right,
I love. And then we went to go see I
forgot what movie was, but I had a lot of
like psychedelic movements in it, and I thought I was
(12:41):
going to throw up in the theater.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
So I had to leave. Man, it was really bad,
and I was just like wow.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
And then I told my other friends who were more experienced,
and they're like, yeah, even even the more experienced people
are like no, I'll have like a nibble.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Wow. And I had three court three of a cookie.
Oh my god. So did you ever think of taking
yourself or asking somebody to take it? In emergency room?
Oh yeah, yeah, I swore, everyone knew. I was like
messed up.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
I went to the drug store to get some water
just to like, you know, hopefully wash it out. That
didn't do anything, so I just had to sit there
and like experience the entire high, completely miserable.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Wow. And yeah, then my dad had to come pick
me up. Oh my god, I know what's what that's like, buddy.
Speaker 6 (13:28):
I know.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
You know again, I don't get especially since I've had
my daughter. I can count on maybe two fingers, you know,
since I you know, I have times I've gotten high
off of weed. But I do remember I took one hit.
I was going to go to a friend's house and
watch a boxing match, and I didn't want to smoke
there because his parents were home. I was young, I
(13:48):
was like eighteen or nineteen and his parents were home,
and his parents wouldn't have approved of that. So I
took one hit. I was living on Dickens in the valley,
one small bongload one and I wasn't even I didn't
even feel it. But I left my driveway. I turned
right on Sepulva and I'm going to turn left on
Ventura and I'm in the left hand turn lane and
(14:09):
there's a cop behind me. And I said to myself, Tim,
he doesn't know you're you just took a bong load.
Make this turn successfully. Put your turn signal on, and
just make this turn. Just make this turn. You've got it.
You've got this turn. You've made this turn thousands of times, Tim,
(14:31):
Just make it successfully. And then I hear the cops
honking at me because the green arrow turned and I
didn't see it the whole time. The whole time, I'm like,
just make this turn. You can do it. Just make
this turn. Come on, can't you see that arrow? And
(14:52):
I pulled over because I knew he was going to
pull me over, and he drove by me. I got
out of the car and I walked three miles to
that boxing match, and then my buddy's like, hey, where's
your car? Like it's on Sepulvida and Ventura, Like why
is it there? Like, well, I thought the house was closer,
and I was just gonna park on the street. I
(15:13):
have to pay for parking because you're three miles away.
What do you mean that you're closer? You know, pay
for parking. When you have to pay for parking, it's
you know, didn't see no got him, my steph.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
When you you said you had your dad come pick
you up, did you tell him what happened?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (15:27):
Yeah, because he's experienced a lot of that in his life.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He did.
Speaker 5 (15:30):
He was born, you know, he was raising the sixties,
so he did all of that stuff. So I don't
mind telling him. I didn't mind telling him, Okay, cool.
I knew he would understand. And it's and it's not
like I was always on the street, like you know,
wrepped in my life, you know, yeah exactly. It was
like the first time that's ever literally the first time
(15:50):
that's ever happened, not on the street, so you know,
and so he was like, all right, all right, I
got you. And then so he just you know, came
by and then I just had to sleep it off.
But man, that was one of the worst experiences. Like
how long between that experience and you went back. I
don't think until it became legal. Oh really so years? Yeah,
because that was like twenty I want to say, twenty thirteen,
(16:14):
twenty fourteen. Yeah, but see, you never know what's in
that stuff, you know, well, yeah, I also shouldn't have
done three. That's like someone who's never drank, and then
the drink of fifth of vodka. Yeah, like it's the
same things. Did they know you took the three? Who
my friends?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (16:29):
Uh, well they were already pretty baked, so that's why
they were like.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Yeah, yeah, have the rest of this.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
And I'm like, okay, cool, I can handle it because
I didn't, like, like Tim was saying, I didn't feel anything,
so I'm like, yeah, I'd be fine the back and
then boom it.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Has like you know, forty minutes later. It is hard.
My dad was very strict with drugs. If he caught
you with any kind of drug, whether it's a you know, coke,
pot pills, whatever, you went to rehab for thirty or
sixty days, you got your choice, pulled you out of school,
and you get either thirty your sixty days in drug rehab.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
I had a roommate in college who had been to
rehab already freshman year in college. He had already been
to rehab like two or three times. Wow, And I said,
did you learn anything? He said, yeah, man, I know
what to take for what I need. That rehab was
the greatest experience.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I had two brothers who went through rehab, both in
high school. And yeah, my dad was very strict man,
very strict he was. I remember taking going into my
dad's medicine cabinet because had a headache and I want
to take some time and all. And I when it
was cabinet, pulled a bottle out, took a couple of
tail and all, and I'm walking out. My dad said
(17:39):
what are you doing? I said, I'm I just got
some tail and all out of your medicine cabinet. And
he goes, are you sure? Yeah, I mean you have
nothing in there but Thailand. All you have Tyland all
and I don't know, like like Tweezers or something floss
and he goes, wow. He goes, I'm sorry. He goes,
you know you can't be you can ever be too sure.
I said, well, case you were, because all you have
(18:02):
is til and all. And if I'm doing drugs, I'm
not doing it in your bathroom.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
What do you think I took out of there?
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yeah? In this case, you when you say you can't
be too sure, in this case, you were definitely too sure.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
You were way too short.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
If I'm doing radical illegal drugs, I'm not doing them
in your bathroom while you're laying down in your bed.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
You were too too sure. That's right.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Can you ever be too short? You were here, you
were way too sure. You're extraordinarily too sure. You're out
of control, too sure. It sounds like you're high, too sure.
It sounds like you're high. I'm not tilt all from
your cabinet. What's going on with you? All right? What's
going on with the news.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
It's Thanksgiving? Hey, look, be grateful you're not stuck on
the four or five in traffic. Enjoy the show or
don't whatever. Now you've done something that CHP hated.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
Well, I mean they're right, they're out there, you know,
cruising looking for you know, back or doing stuff that
they shouldn't be doing. That's unsafe.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Well you know of it before you go on here? Yeah,
are you realized that the laws in California are made
for your protection?
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Of course, thank you, sir.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
So they would rather you obey them.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
Yes, and I typically do. And I don't know what
happened in this one instance. The car kind of got
away from me, I guess, and I was driving too fast.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
It's an empty for you way, it's midnight, Yes.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
It was midnight. There weren't a lot of cars in
the road.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
So and it's not like you drive a car that's
going to shake it at eighty five eighty eight.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
No, that's a really smooth ride. But I'll tell you also,
and this is because we talk a lot about the
way I used to drive. I don't really drive that,
you know, crazy like a crazy man anymore. So, but
I apparently I still have it somewhere in me because
the car, I guess got away from me or whatever
I drove for whatever I became impatient or you know.
So anyway, it's midnight, and I see that thing that
(19:53):
just makes your heartstop, which the lights, you know, come
on they you know, they're red and blue. And then yes,
thank you, And that's exactly and then wait, did you
get scared?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Are you angry?
Speaker 4 (20:02):
I was scared?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I was that means you're still young, okay, as you
get older, like my grandfather at one point flipped where
he was no longer scared. He was pissed.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Now I was scared. And they have such bright lights.
I mean, I don't know where the candle power comes
from on these lights. But it was like, God, this
is insane. I'm gonna get up like a sunburn from
this light. And so I'm frightened, and I pull over
to the you know, and the right lane, and then
I hear, oh yeah, And I'm thinking, oh no, I
(20:34):
can't hear because the windows up. So I roll the
window down and I am still driving, you know, But
now I'm in the right lane and goes hot. I
can't understand what he's saying, and so then I roll
the other window down so I could hear it again,
and and I hear I've got both windows down, and
(20:56):
I'm now I pull off the road. Okay. So now
I'm there on the shoulder of the road full stop,
and he pulls up on him and goes close. I'm like,
did he tell me like to throw the keys out?
Of the car or what is he telling him. I
don't know what he's telling me. I still can't understand him,
so I'm figuring. And then then quickly he said pause
(21:18):
exit oh and exit okay, So he wanted me to
go to the next exit and pull off. So I
did pull off and then Lansham lankershim exactly and then close,
and I just figured he wanted me to turn. It's
weird how you think that technology would have matched the
(21:39):
technology that the lights have, you know what I mean.
But it doesn't. It's not clearly they've really outpaced the
audio part of that whole thing.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
I think they do that on purpose, so you know,
they confuses the guy that he takes off and there's
a chase I.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
See, but I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't understand except for exit.
I got that and then I I turned at the bottom.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Did you not understand because you had too much to drink?
Is that was that problem?
Speaker 4 (22:08):
So I pull over to the to the right and
this dude, uh you know, comes up to and he's
this tall, good looking dude. It's like you got everybody,
all all our cops are just like they're just at
a central casting like right out of chips, you know.
And there he is and he's and he says.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
You know you'll no longer get the Barney fivees.
Speaker 4 (22:27):
And exactly, it's you know, and you also don't get
like the boss hog. You know what I mean, you're
not getting that. So this he's is your license pleasing?
And he says, uh, you know, I got you. I
got your speeding back there. I said, oh really, I
said to gush. And the first thing, I said, hey man,
I'm so sorry. I couldn't understand what you were saying.
That's why I pull over. I pull ahead. I just couldn't.
(22:48):
I was desperate to understand what you were saying. He said,
it's okay, it's okay, just need to see your license.
Dikes the license and he goes, I got you for speeding.
And I was still like racked with guilt that I
was unable to understand him before, like I couldn't follow
his instructions. I felt like that maybe that was he
thought I was messing with him. He looks the license,
he said, this is still your addresses. Yeah. I said okay.
I said how fast was I going? He said eighty five?
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Wow?
Speaker 4 (23:11):
I said what eighty five. He said, yeah, eighty five,
he said, When I was, he said, I said, well,
and man, this is pretty classic. I said, well, I
really I thought people were passing me. And he said,
when I was following you, you were the fastest guy
out there. I thought, well that's probably true.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yeah, all right, you were the fastest.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
And so I uh so he goes back, and then
right as he's leaving, this other person comes up, like,
I guess the you know, his partner. And I look
over and it's a woman and she's stunning. Okay, I'm thinking,
are you kidding me? Are you a real cop? I mean,
are you an actress? Maybe like studying for a role
(23:55):
as a cop. She was that attractive and and so
I said, aren't you late for an audition? No, no,
I did not say that. I said, I did the
same thing. I felt so bad. I said, hey, I
want to apologize. I said, I couldn't understand what you
guys were saying. That's why I pulled over. And then
I pulled the head. She said it's okay, he said,
we'll be right back. They go back to the cruiser.
(24:15):
I think that's what they call them. Cruisers. Sure, And
it was like a minute, maybe two minutes, and they
came back and they gave me the license. She came
back and she said be careful with your speed. She said,
it's that speeding tickets are expensive and it's dangerous.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
Man. Then let me go and they split. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Holy smoked.
Speaker 4 (24:34):
He did ask me if I was if I had
been drinking, and I said the answer was truthfully no,
And I think that's kind of what they were worried about.
If I'd been drinking at all, I think it might
have been a different conversation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
I never drink, and even like one beer. If we
have a beer at dinner, I have gen drive home.
Because I had a buddy of mine who had a
couple of drinks and he got rear ended at a
stop sign and he got a DUI for it. Right,
I mean, he was blamed in the collision because he
(25:03):
had like it wasn't over the limit, but he had
alcohol in his system and somebody was hurting the car
behind him. Sure, and it wasn't his fault. He was
sitting there stopped and a guy hit him. This is
how paranoid I am about about drinking and driving. If
I'm homeworking on the garage, like on a Saturday night
and I've had a couple of beers, I'll ask Jen
to bring the car in from the curb into the garage. Wow,
(25:25):
isn't that crazy?
Speaker 4 (25:26):
That's really I mean, that's but.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
See, this is this is what I envision. I go
to move the car off the curb, somebody hits me
and I've had, you know, nineteen drinks and it's done.
I'm over right.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Well, that's a level of caution. That's it.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
It's border bordering on a problem. Yeah, I mean that
I have a problem.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I'm but what's funny about this is you were surrounded
by drinkers. I remember telling a story with McClean Stevenson
driving oh yeah from a ballgame downtown and he literally
had like a hit a tonic in his hand while
he was driving.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
All right, I've never used that name on the air.
I said it was my dad's friend.
Speaker 4 (26:06):
But I'm so sorry. Maybe it was not McLean Stephenson.
Maybe it was not. I'm serious, I just picked I
picked the name. McLean Stephenson could have been anybody.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
You're listening to Tim Conway tun You're on demand from
KF I am six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Stuff your face, loosen the pants and kick back with
stuff we did over the last year or so. Brian Reagan.
Very funny comic. It's a really cool bit on flying.
You want to hear it, Okay, I'll play it for you. Okay, okay, okay,
And I flew here, I've come.
Speaker 7 (26:39):
The first class people just they can just get on
whenever they want. I've always hated that. First class people
for it your lee, take your time. First class people
wait since because ups So when you do get on
(27:02):
the first class people, they're already sitting there. They're all
sprawled out in their big thrones. Bring me the head
of a peg and a goblin of something cool and refreshing.
Who don't have a fiddle? Thank someone from Coach Fiddle
(27:25):
for the movement the fiddles and the overhead backs up there,
you're not allowed to even use their bathrooms. The bathrooms
up front are for our first class passengers. The coach
bathrooms are located at Newark Airport.
Speaker 6 (27:42):
Concourse se Concourse CE.
Speaker 7 (27:46):
Maybe should be so when you do board the first
class people, they're sitting there.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
A lot of them are working as you're boarding. They
have computers out and calculators.
Speaker 7 (27:55):
They're looking up and you're like, hey, we're making money
right now, right now, making money.
Speaker 6 (28:01):
Go get in the back, hurtain. I don't want to
see have it in my primal.
Speaker 7 (28:10):
Snap it snap it shot.
Speaker 6 (28:14):
It's a matter with us. They gotta cover us up
with a tarp. You go in the back.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Everybody has coloring books on put where where was you?
Speaker 6 (28:25):
Where was your mine?
Speaker 7 (28:27):
You're in the middle and there's nine of us, and
you're in the middle, and we have all the armrest.
Speaker 6 (28:32):
You gotta sit like this.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
You gotta figure out.
Speaker 7 (28:35):
A way to eat your snap while your arbles are touching.
You gotta learn how to twist your little plastic your tensil.
Speaker 6 (28:44):
Like to sit.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Weigh in the back, weigh in the back.
Speaker 6 (28:46):
Except for one thing. All the good meals run out.
Speaker 7 (28:48):
You know, you're poking your head out from roub onety nine.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
The flat at tennants are this big.
Speaker 6 (28:58):
You can hear the good meals and snag.
Speaker 7 (29:01):
We have a turkey sandwich, a chicken case sandia, and
a cold fishhead.
Speaker 6 (29:08):
I wonder what I'm good. So when they get to
the back of.
Speaker 7 (29:22):
The plane, they have to do that flat attendant psychology
game and pretend like the good stuff never even existed.
Speaker 6 (29:28):
It never even was.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Would you like a.
Speaker 7 (29:31):
Nice cold fish head? They're frozen, solid, frozen head of fish,
the eyeballs in there and the skeletons coming out.
Speaker 6 (29:40):
It comes with a turn up and a store.
Speaker 7 (29:44):
I was pushing.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
You'd have one of them pushing upon a star.
Speaker 7 (29:51):
But I admire flat attendants, man, I really do.
Speaker 6 (29:53):
They put up with a lot of garbage from people.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Have you ever been sitting in your.
Speaker 7 (29:56):
Seat and you see somebody trying to fit somebody overhead racked?
You know you're going in there like a million years
you have like a mattress on a lamp. They're looking
at him like what kind of perception problems this guy have?
And the flight attendants are always nice. You always run
up and act like it might maybe fit. You know,
I don't know if that's gonna get up there pick
(30:17):
a jacket for you, you moron.
Speaker 6 (30:22):
I know that's what they want to say.
Speaker 7 (30:23):
I would last about eight seconds at that job. I'll
just get up there and say, look like it's going
to fit. Now, this is much true.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
You have a dead yet, are you okay? You don't
see all these people jammed up waiting on you.
Speaker 6 (30:36):
You don't see it. It's like, you know, this is
your girl. It's all about you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
You let us know when you're all set. That guy's great, man,
Brian Reagan. If you want something clean that the kids
can listen to, you know, you got some time this
holiday season. You want to put something on, something that's
you know, not social media and the kids and the
parents can listen to. Brian Reagan is the go to guys.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
It does take a lot for a clean comedian to
get to me, and he definitely does.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Yeah, I gotta go for the dark, nexty stuff, but
Reagan knocks it out.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
Man.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, he's good man. Brian Reagan, isn't it. We're live
on KFI AM six forty Conway Show on demand on
the iHeart Radio app. Now you can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty four to seven pm
Monday through Friday, and anytime on demand on the iHeart
Radio app.
It's KFI AM six forty and you're listening to the
Conway Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. It's the
best of Conway Show, perfect for Thanksgiving because nothing says
family time like hiding in your room and listening to kfive.
So here's the story. My dad back in the nineteen
(00:23):
they have been late sixties, early seventies. I think I
was seven or eight years old, so it could have
been sixty nine seventies somewhere in there. And he was
asked to do a charity event in Chicago. We were
in Cleveland at the time, and he was asked to
do a charity event in Chicago, and they were going
to fly in to Chicago. He was going to do,
(00:45):
you know, a half hour, forty five minutes of jokes,
the people can ask him questions about his career, about
Michael's Navy, the whole run. And so they fly him
to Chicago from Hopkins Airport in Cleveland. Not a private jet,
you know, passenger, public transport, public airways. They fly him
(01:06):
to Chicago, they pick him up, he does his set,
does the charity and he notices that there's a lot
of guys who worked for the city. There you know,
a lot of the city employees there. And back in
the sixties and early seventies in Chicago, the mob ran
(01:26):
that town Chicago. I don't know if they still do,
but they did then. And my dad met a few
of those guys, but it wasn't filled with those guys.
There was like one or two table of those guys
and the rest of them were you know, city employees.
Probably about two thousand people there. There's a big deal.
And so they thanked my dad for doing the event.
(01:49):
And he literally went there at I don't know, he
left Cleveland at noon and he was home the next
day by noon. So it's just a one day event.
And he gets back and we pick him up at
the air you know. How was the event? Doll was
grades a lot of people are and it was a
really cool event. And they and they gave me some
Tonka toys for you kids, and I said, oh, that's
(02:10):
very nice. You know, we're young, seven, eight years old,
nine years old. So we get back to my grandparents'
house and my dad gives me this box. But it's
a Tonka truck and you could see through the cell
offhane at the truck and I opened it up and
in the bottom of it was fifty thousand dollars in cash.
(02:35):
Stuck in the bottom of that box was fifty thousand
dollars in cash. And I said to my dad and said, hey,
you know there's money in this box. And he says, well,
what do you mean money? And I showed him and
there was fifty thousand dollars in cash, and my dad
turned white as a ghost. Pretty white guy anyway, but
(02:56):
even wider. And he got on the phone and he
called the guys that did the event and he said, hey,
somebody put fifty thousand or maybe he is missing fifty
thousand dollars and they put it his Tonqua truck case.
And I don't want someone to come after me because
they're you know, they switched boxes. You know, it's a
(03:18):
mob box that should have gone to this guy. And
I was like, now I have it, and the guy said, no, no, no,
that's just us saying thank you for doing the event.
That's all yours. And my dad said, okay, I'd like
to fly back to Cleveland or to Chicago on my
own dime and give you this money back. And the
guy says, well, no, that's your appearance fee. He said, no, no,
(03:40):
I told you, I'll do the event for free. I'm
going to fly back. I'll each at the airport and
I'm going to give you this fifty thousand dollars. He
flew back to Chicago, gave him the fifty grand, and
then flew back to Cleveland.
Speaker 2 (03:52):
Did he check the bag with the fifty grand?
Speaker 3 (03:54):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (03:54):
I don't know, but I think he. I don't know
about the details, but they know. He gave the money
back and he flew back to Cleveland and I said,
and even at a young age, I said, wow, what
happened here? Why'd you do that?
Speaker 4 (04:07):
Dead?
Speaker 1 (04:08):
Yeah, and there's fifty that's a lot of money. Look
in retrospect, I would have never told my dad, you know,
he'd give me the money. I should have socked it away.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
And where'des twenty grand from your Yeah?
Speaker 4 (04:20):
No, that's right. Your kid's new car is extraordinary and
he's only eleven.
Speaker 1 (04:24):
The biggest mistake of my life is telling my dad
that I had that cash. And he returned the money,
and I said, what had happened? And like years later
he explained it to me. He said, Look, you were
too young for me to explain it to you. But
that's how you become indebted to the mob. You do
them a favor, they pay you fifty grand. Now you
(04:45):
got to do them another one. Then they pay you
one hundred grand. Now you gotta do another one. They
pay and that's all of a sudden, you're in their
life and you're flying around doing all kinds of events
for these guys. And he goes, I don't want to
do that. Yeah, I don't want to be that guy. Ultimately,
he should have gone that route.
Speaker 4 (05:03):
Oh if it sounds to me like I got a
pretty good gig going, and look what happened at Sinatra.
You know, don't look how much money, but Sinatra made
fifty grand, hun grand, one hundred and fifty grand. That's rights,
we're going the right way. I don't have the problem is.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
But I do remember this. I remember very distinctly. My
dad's doing a video late in life called Dwarfun Fishing,
and we're out at Lake cats Steak and the sun's
going down. They can't get the shot, and my dad's
cold and he's wet, and I said to him, I said,
should have kept that fifty grand. And you never really
(05:39):
hear my dad swear, but I heard him few.
Speaker 4 (05:42):
You know, that is great, that's a great story.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
And I must say, eve a thousand dollars back in
nineteen sixty nine, what is that worth now? Three four
hundred thousand?
Speaker 4 (05:50):
I can imagine that amount, and I'm not sure even
with the uh in retrospect, I'm sorry. I get his
it speaks to his purity of heart and understanding things,
But I don't know, man.
Speaker 1 (06:03):
I he should have gone that round.
Speaker 4 (06:06):
I might have.
Speaker 2 (06:07):
Yeah, fifty grand from nineteen sixty nine would be roughly
four hundred and thirty thousand dollars.
Speaker 1 (06:12):
To Wow, how about that that Tonka truck.
Speaker 4 (06:17):
That's real, that's a real talk. Yeah, that's a real truney.
Speaker 1 (06:20):
Yeah. I knew there was something odd about it because
it was a Tonka truck with a cellfhane wrap around it,
and then there was sort of like a big back
end of it that I thought maybe there was another
you know, attachment to the truck inside there.
Speaker 2 (06:32):
Like the extension.
Speaker 1 (06:33):
Yeah right, yeah, yeah, there was there was nothing and
the like nothing going on in there. Oh that's where
the fifty grand was in that one. And thank god
that I got it because they gave you know, he
gave enough of these Tonka trucks for me and my brothers,
my sister. And if my brothers got that fifty grand,
you would mum was the word.
Speaker 4 (06:50):
Man.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
They would have never said anything. My dad would have
been all mobbed up for the rest of his life.
Speaker 4 (06:56):
If that's the movie, right, the kid take the money.
You didn't take it, but your kid took it, and
now you're in debt to the mob. That's the movie.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
He's all mobbed exactly. He's nine years old smoking a cigar, right,
you know. And and the reason why he didn't want
to do it is because there was a big, huge
mob war going on between Cleveland and Chicago, and my
dad lived in Cleveland. Sure, so he didn't want the
Cleveland mob pissed at him that he's all mobbed up
with the Chicago guys, you know, because that's where you
(07:26):
really run into trouble, you know, when you live in
a town and you're mobbed up with another town. That's
when they come buy and say, hey, what's going on
with you? You know? So he knew it, My dad
knew going on.
Speaker 4 (07:36):
It sounds like it was the right move.
Speaker 1 (07:37):
Actually, yeah, it turns out it probably was, But I
don't know, should have kept the doe.
Speaker 4 (07:43):
Should kept the doe and take more. Took money from
the Cleveland mob too. I see, you know, well, I
think that doesn't end well.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
A Sinatra, how it ends? You know you're worth the
eight hundred million dollars and your name's all over the place.
Speaker 3 (07:57):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
About ten twelve years ago, somebody gave me some gummies.
They didn't work here. As a friend from outside of KFI,
I saw that pretty good, and they gave me no okay,
they gave me a package of ten gummies and I
(08:24):
decided to take one before the show and it did nothing.
Did three hours, went home, nothing and I called them.
I said, hey, those gummies are pretty weak, and he said, well,
how made you take I said, I took one. He said, oh, well,
you know you drink every night. It's not going to
do anything. I goh, thanks, thanks for that compliment. And
(08:46):
so the next night or two nights later, I took three.
And we were on seven to ten PM at that time,
and at seven thirty the it hit me. The gummies
hit me, and the whole building started shaking. It felt
(09:08):
like it was shaking, shaking. Yeah, it felt like the
whole building was moving. And I'm like, I have got
two and a half hours left, and now I'm panicking.
I'm sweating, and I'm watching what everyone says, because I
think that everyone is saying every time somebody opens their mouth,
I think it's something they shouldn't say on the air,
or it's not allowed by the FCC, or it's racist,
(09:30):
or it's anti religion. I'm like, keep hitting the dump button,
like oh angel, oh belly, Oh no, no, you didn't
mean that. You didn't mean that. And then the buildings,
you know, moving again. And then Aaron Bender was here
doing the news and he clicked, he hits the button,
the talkback button, and he says, are you going to
(09:51):
mention this? And I thought he meant mentioned the fact
that I'm on three gummies, and I said mention and
what he said, tim the building's moving. We just had
a five point eight earthquake. And I'm like, oh, I
thought that was me. He goes, no, it's not you, well,
cheap part of you, but it's also all of southern California.
(10:15):
And so we did two and a half hours of
talking about the earthquake where the blackouts are. All the
fire you know houses have the ambulance, the fire trucks
station outside in case the fire houses you know, collapse.
And then every break I called my wife and my
(10:36):
daughter and they were living in NoHo fourteen on the
fourteenth story of an apartment building, and the whole building
was shaking. The chandelier was moving. You could feel the
entire building. It was on rollers and the whole building
moving back and forth. And I called my wife every
break to see if she was okay, every break, and
(10:59):
I finally got home. I have not had a gummy
since that was twelve years ago, not a single gummy,
because I can't control it. You know, you can control
your buzz with beer or wine or shots. You can
control where you are, and then you can eat if
you're getting too buzzed and sort of soak up that liquor.
(11:20):
Everybody knows where you were, You know where you are.
When it comes to drinking, you know that you have
to have food in you, and you have rules. You
have to have water before you get to bed. You
can't have any anything sweet before you go to bed.
You can't drink and also have sweets at the same time.
That'll give you a headache, that'll get you hungover. You
can't have a baked potato while you drink because of
all the sugar that's in a baked potato. Everybody has
(11:42):
rules when you drink, But when you take gummies, what
are the rules? I don't know. And how do you
know when you're taken too many and flip out like
I did? Not Krozier, but steps have you ever taken
too many gummies where you flipped out?
Speaker 5 (11:59):
Yeah, my idiot ex best friend had some cookies and
she gave me a quarter one and she had the
she had the other quarter, and you know, we were
just hanging out. We went to dinner and it was
me and her and a couple of mutual friends. And
(12:20):
she couldn't finish and she was like, oh, just have
the rest. This was the first time I ever had
any kind of edible, and she gave me the other two.
I swear I was inside out of myself. No, that right,
I love. And then we went to go see I
forgot what movie was, but I had a lot of
like psychedelic movements in it, and I thought I was
(12:41):
going to throw up in the theater.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
So I had to leave. Man, it was really bad,
and I was just like wow.
Speaker 5 (12:48):
And then I told my other friends who were more experienced,
and they're like, yeah, even even the more experienced people
are like no, I'll have like a nibble.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
Wow. And I had three court three of a cookie.
Oh my god. So did you ever think of taking
yourself or asking somebody to take it? In emergency room?
Oh yeah, yeah, I swore, everyone knew. I was like
messed up.
Speaker 5 (13:10):
I went to the drug store to get some water
just to like, you know, hopefully wash it out. That
didn't do anything, so I just had to sit there
and like experience the entire high, completely miserable.
Speaker 1 (13:22):
Wow. And yeah, then my dad had to come pick
me up. Oh my god, I know what's what that's like, buddy.
Speaker 6 (13:28):
I know.
Speaker 1 (13:28):
You know again, I don't get especially since I've had
my daughter. I can count on maybe two fingers, you know,
since I you know, I have times I've gotten high
off of weed. But I do remember I took one hit.
I was going to go to a friend's house and
watch a boxing match, and I didn't want to smoke
there because his parents were home. I was young, I
(13:48):
was like eighteen or nineteen and his parents were home,
and his parents wouldn't have approved of that. So I
took one hit. I was living on Dickens in the valley,
one small bongload one and I wasn't even I didn't
even feel it. But I left my driveway. I turned
right on Sepulva and I'm going to turn left on
Ventura and I'm in the left hand turn lane and
(14:09):
there's a cop behind me. And I said to myself, Tim,
he doesn't know you're you just took a bong load.
Make this turn successfully. Put your turn signal on, and
just make this turn. Just make this turn. You've got it.
You've got this turn. You've made this turn thousands of times, Tim,
(14:31):
Just make it successfully. And then I hear the cops
honking at me because the green arrow turned and I
didn't see it the whole time. The whole time, I'm like,
just make this turn. You can do it. Just make
this turn. Come on, can't you see that arrow? And
(14:52):
I pulled over because I knew he was going to
pull me over, and he drove by me. I got
out of the car and I walked three miles to
that boxing match, and then my buddy's like, hey, where's
your car? Like it's on Sepulvida and Ventura, Like why
is it there? Like, well, I thought the house was closer,
and I was just gonna park on the street. I
(15:13):
have to pay for parking because you're three miles away.
What do you mean that you're closer? You know, pay
for parking. When you have to pay for parking, it's
you know, didn't see no got him, my steph.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
When you you said you had your dad come pick
you up, did you tell him what happened?
Speaker 4 (15:26):
Oh?
Speaker 5 (15:27):
Yeah, because he's experienced a lot of that in his life.
Speaker 1 (15:29):
He did.
Speaker 5 (15:30):
He was born, you know, he was raising the sixties,
so he did all of that stuff. So I don't
mind telling him. I didn't mind telling him, Okay, cool.
I knew he would understand. And it's and it's not
like I was always on the street, like you know,
wrepped in my life, you know, yeah exactly. It was
like the first time that's ever literally the first time
(15:50):
that's ever happened, not on the street, so you know,
and so he was like, all right, all right, I
got you. And then so he just you know, came
by and then I just had to sleep it off.
But man, that was one of the worst experiences. Like
how long between that experience and you went back. I
don't think until it became legal. Oh really so years? Yeah,
because that was like twenty I want to say, twenty thirteen,
(16:14):
twenty fourteen. Yeah, but see, you never know what's in
that stuff, you know, well, yeah, I also shouldn't have
done three. That's like someone who's never drank, and then
the drink of fifth of vodka. Yeah, like it's the
same things. Did they know you took the three? Who
my friends?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
Yeah?
Speaker 5 (16:29):
Uh, well they were already pretty baked, so that's why
they were like.
Speaker 4 (16:33):
Yeah, yeah, have the rest of this.
Speaker 5 (16:34):
And I'm like, okay, cool, I can handle it because
I didn't, like, like Tim was saying, I didn't feel anything,
so I'm like, yeah, I'd be fine the back and
then boom it.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
Has like you know, forty minutes later. It is hard.
My dad was very strict with drugs. If he caught
you with any kind of drug, whether it's a you know, coke,
pot pills, whatever, you went to rehab for thirty or
sixty days, you got your choice, pulled you out of school,
and you get either thirty your sixty days in drug rehab.
Speaker 2 (17:02):
I had a roommate in college who had been to
rehab already freshman year in college. He had already been
to rehab like two or three times. Wow, And I said,
did you learn anything? He said, yeah, man, I know
what to take for what I need. That rehab was
the greatest experience.
Speaker 1 (17:18):
I had two brothers who went through rehab, both in
high school. And yeah, my dad was very strict man,
very strict he was. I remember taking going into my
dad's medicine cabinet because had a headache and I want
to take some time and all. And I when it
was cabinet, pulled a bottle out, took a couple of
tail and all, and I'm walking out. My dad said
(17:39):
what are you doing? I said, I'm I just got
some tail and all out of your medicine cabinet. And
he goes, are you sure? Yeah, I mean you have
nothing in there but Thailand. All you have Tyland all
and I don't know, like like Tweezers or something floss
and he goes, wow. He goes, I'm sorry. He goes,
you know you can't be you can ever be too sure.
I said, well, case you were, because all you have
(18:02):
is til and all. And if I'm doing drugs, I'm
not doing it in your bathroom.
Speaker 4 (18:06):
What do you think I took out of there?
Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yeah? In this case, you when you say you can't
be too sure, in this case, you were definitely too sure.
Speaker 4 (18:12):
You were way too short.
Speaker 3 (18:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (18:13):
If I'm doing radical illegal drugs, I'm not doing them
in your bathroom while you're laying down in your bed.
Speaker 4 (18:19):
You were too too sure. That's right.
Speaker 1 (18:21):
Can you ever be too short? You were here, you
were way too sure. You're extraordinarily too sure. You're out
of control, too sure. It sounds like you're high, too sure.
It sounds like you're high. I'm not tilt all from
your cabinet. What's going on with you? All right? What's
going on with the news.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
You're listening to Tim Conway Junior on demand from KFI
AM six forty.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
It's Thanksgiving? Hey, look, be grateful you're not stuck on
the four or five in traffic. Enjoy the show or
don't whatever. Now you've done something that CHP hated.
Speaker 4 (18:56):
Well, I mean they're right, they're out there, you know,
cruising looking for you know, back or doing stuff that
they shouldn't be doing. That's unsafe.
Speaker 1 (19:04):
Well you know of it before you go on here? Yeah,
are you realized that the laws in California are made
for your protection?
Speaker 4 (19:10):
Of course, thank you, sir.
Speaker 1 (19:11):
So they would rather you obey them.
Speaker 4 (19:13):
Yes, and I typically do. And I don't know what
happened in this one instance. The car kind of got
away from me, I guess, and I was driving too fast.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
It's an empty for you way, it's midnight, Yes.
Speaker 4 (19:25):
It was midnight. There weren't a lot of cars in
the road.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
So and it's not like you drive a car that's
going to shake it at eighty five eighty eight.
Speaker 4 (19:31):
No, that's a really smooth ride. But I'll tell you also,
and this is because we talk a lot about the
way I used to drive. I don't really drive that,
you know, crazy like a crazy man anymore. So, but
I apparently I still have it somewhere in me because
the car, I guess got away from me or whatever
I drove for whatever I became impatient or you know.
So anyway, it's midnight, and I see that thing that
(19:53):
just makes your heartstop, which the lights, you know, come
on they you know, they're red and blue. And then yes,
thank you, And that's exactly and then wait, did you
get scared?
Speaker 1 (20:01):
Are you angry?
Speaker 4 (20:02):
I was scared?
Speaker 1 (20:03):
I was that means you're still young, okay, as you
get older, like my grandfather at one point flipped where
he was no longer scared. He was pissed.
Speaker 4 (20:11):
Now I was scared. And they have such bright lights.
I mean, I don't know where the candle power comes
from on these lights. But it was like, God, this
is insane. I'm gonna get up like a sunburn from
this light. And so I'm frightened, and I pull over
to the you know, and the right lane, and then
I hear, oh yeah, And I'm thinking, oh no, I
(20:34):
can't hear because the windows up. So I roll the
window down and I am still driving, you know, But
now I'm in the right lane and goes hot. I
can't understand what he's saying, and so then I roll
the other window down so I could hear it again,
and and I hear I've got both windows down, and
(20:56):
I'm now I pull off the road. Okay. So now
I'm there on the shoulder of the road full stop,
and he pulls up on him and goes close. I'm like,
did he tell me like to throw the keys out?
Of the car or what is he telling him. I
don't know what he's telling me. I still can't understand him,
so I'm figuring. And then then quickly he said pause
(21:18):
exit oh and exit okay, So he wanted me to
go to the next exit and pull off. So I
did pull off and then Lansham lankershim exactly and then close,
and I just figured he wanted me to turn. It's
weird how you think that technology would have matched the
(21:39):
technology that the lights have, you know what I mean.
But it doesn't. It's not clearly they've really outpaced the
audio part of that whole thing.
Speaker 1 (21:47):
I think they do that on purpose, so you know,
they confuses the guy that he takes off and there's
a chase I.
Speaker 4 (21:53):
See, but I'm not exaggerating. I couldn't understand except for exit.
I got that and then I I turned at the bottom.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Did you not understand because you had too much to drink?
Is that was that problem?
Speaker 4 (22:08):
So I pull over to the to the right and
this dude, uh you know, comes up to and he's
this tall, good looking dude. It's like you got everybody,
all all our cops are just like they're just at
a central casting like right out of chips, you know.
And there he is and he's and he says.
Speaker 1 (22:25):
You know you'll no longer get the Barney fivees.
Speaker 4 (22:27):
And exactly, it's you know, and you also don't get
like the boss hog. You know what I mean, you're
not getting that. So this he's is your license pleasing?
And he says, uh, you know, I got you. I
got your speeding back there. I said, oh really, I
said to gush. And the first thing, I said, hey man,
I'm so sorry. I couldn't understand what you were saying.
That's why I pull over. I pull ahead. I just couldn't.
(22:48):
I was desperate to understand what you were saying. He said,
it's okay, it's okay, just need to see your license.
Dikes the license and he goes, I got you for speeding.
And I was still like racked with guilt that I
was unable to understand him before, like I couldn't follow
his instructions. I felt like that maybe that was he
thought I was messing with him. He looks the license,
he said, this is still your addresses. Yeah. I said okay.
I said how fast was I going? He said eighty five?
Speaker 1 (23:10):
Wow?
Speaker 4 (23:11):
I said what eighty five. He said, yeah, eighty five,
he said, When I was, he said, I said, well,
and man, this is pretty classic. I said, well, I
really I thought people were passing me. And he said,
when I was following you, you were the fastest guy
out there. I thought, well that's probably true.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yeah, all right, you were the fastest.
Speaker 4 (23:33):
And so I uh so he goes back, and then
right as he's leaving, this other person comes up, like,
I guess the you know, his partner. And I look
over and it's a woman and she's stunning. Okay, I'm thinking,
are you kidding me? Are you a real cop? I mean,
are you an actress? Maybe like studying for a role
(23:55):
as a cop. She was that attractive and and so
I said, aren't you late for an audition? No, no,
I did not say that. I said, I did the
same thing. I felt so bad. I said, hey, I
want to apologize. I said, I couldn't understand what you
guys were saying. That's why I pulled over. And then
I pulled the head. She said it's okay, he said,
we'll be right back. They go back to the cruiser.
(24:15):
I think that's what they call them. Cruisers. Sure, And
it was like a minute, maybe two minutes, and they
came back and they gave me the license. She came
back and she said be careful with your speed. She said,
it's that speeding tickets are expensive and it's dangerous.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Wow.
Speaker 4 (24:30):
Man. Then let me go and they split. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:33):
Holy smoked.
Speaker 4 (24:34):
He did ask me if I was if I had
been drinking, and I said the answer was truthfully no,
And I think that's kind of what they were worried about.
If I'd been drinking at all, I think it might
have been a different conversation. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
I never drink, and even like one beer. If we
have a beer at dinner, I have gen drive home.
Because I had a buddy of mine who had a
couple of drinks and he got rear ended at a
stop sign and he got a DUI for it. Right,
I mean, he was blamed in the collision because he
(25:03):
had like it wasn't over the limit, but he had
alcohol in his system and somebody was hurting the car
behind him. Sure, and it wasn't his fault. He was
sitting there stopped and a guy hit him. This is
how paranoid I am about about drinking and driving. If
I'm homeworking on the garage, like on a Saturday night
and I've had a couple of beers, I'll ask Jen
to bring the car in from the curb into the garage. Wow,
(25:25):
isn't that crazy?
Speaker 4 (25:26):
That's really I mean, that's but.
Speaker 1 (25:28):
See, this is this is what I envision. I go
to move the car off the curb, somebody hits me
and I've had, you know, nineteen drinks and it's done.
I'm over right.
Speaker 4 (25:39):
Well, that's a level of caution. That's it.
Speaker 1 (25:43):
It's border bordering on a problem. Yeah, I mean that
I have a problem.
Speaker 4 (25:50):
I'm but what's funny about this is you were surrounded
by drinkers. I remember telling a story with McClean Stevenson
driving oh yeah from a ballgame downtown and he literally
had like a hit a tonic in his hand while
he was driving.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
All right, I've never used that name on the air.
I said it was my dad's friend.
Speaker 4 (26:06):
But I'm so sorry. Maybe it was not McLean Stephenson.
Maybe it was not. I'm serious, I just picked I
picked the name. McLean Stephenson could have been anybody.
Speaker 3 (26:15):
You're listening to Tim Conway tun You're on demand from
KF I am six forty.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Stuff your face, loosen the pants and kick back with
stuff we did over the last year or so. Brian Reagan.
Very funny comic. It's a really cool bit on flying.
You want to hear it, Okay, I'll play it for you. Okay, okay, okay,
And I flew here, I've come.
Speaker 7 (26:39):
The first class people just they can just get on
whenever they want. I've always hated that. First class people
for it your lee, take your time. First class people
wait since because ups So when you do get on
(27:02):
the first class people, they're already sitting there. They're all
sprawled out in their big thrones. Bring me the head
of a peg and a goblin of something cool and refreshing.
Who don't have a fiddle? Thank someone from Coach Fiddle
(27:25):
for the movement the fiddles and the overhead backs up there,
you're not allowed to even use their bathrooms. The bathrooms
up front are for our first class passengers. The coach
bathrooms are located at Newark Airport.
Speaker 6 (27:42):
Concourse se Concourse CE.
Speaker 7 (27:46):
Maybe should be so when you do board the first
class people, they're sitting there.
Speaker 1 (27:50):
A lot of them are working as you're boarding. They
have computers out and calculators.
Speaker 7 (27:55):
They're looking up and you're like, hey, we're making money
right now, right now, making money.
Speaker 6 (28:01):
Go get in the back, hurtain. I don't want to
see have it in my primal.
Speaker 7 (28:10):
Snap it snap it shot.
Speaker 6 (28:14):
It's a matter with us. They gotta cover us up
with a tarp. You go in the back.
Speaker 1 (28:18):
Everybody has coloring books on put where where was you?
Speaker 6 (28:25):
Where was your mine?
Speaker 7 (28:27):
You're in the middle and there's nine of us, and
you're in the middle, and we have all the armrest.
Speaker 6 (28:32):
You gotta sit like this.
Speaker 4 (28:34):
You gotta figure out.
Speaker 7 (28:35):
A way to eat your snap while your arbles are touching.
You gotta learn how to twist your little plastic your tensil.
Speaker 6 (28:44):
Like to sit.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
Weigh in the back, weigh in the back.
Speaker 6 (28:46):
Except for one thing. All the good meals run out.
Speaker 7 (28:48):
You know, you're poking your head out from roub onety nine.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
The flat at tennants are this big.
Speaker 6 (28:58):
You can hear the good meals and snag.
Speaker 7 (29:01):
We have a turkey sandwich, a chicken case sandia, and
a cold fishhead.
Speaker 6 (29:08):
I wonder what I'm good. So when they get to
the back of.
Speaker 7 (29:22):
The plane, they have to do that flat attendant psychology
game and pretend like the good stuff never even existed.
Speaker 6 (29:28):
It never even was.
Speaker 4 (29:30):
Would you like a.
Speaker 7 (29:31):
Nice cold fish head? They're frozen, solid, frozen head of fish,
the eyeballs in there and the skeletons coming out.
Speaker 6 (29:40):
It comes with a turn up and a store.
Speaker 7 (29:44):
I was pushing.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
You'd have one of them pushing upon a star.
Speaker 7 (29:51):
But I admire flat attendants, man, I really do.
Speaker 6 (29:53):
They put up with a lot of garbage from people.
Speaker 1 (29:55):
Have you ever been sitting in your.
Speaker 7 (29:56):
Seat and you see somebody trying to fit somebody overhead racked?
You know you're going in there like a million years
you have like a mattress on a lamp. They're looking
at him like what kind of perception problems this guy have?
And the flight attendants are always nice. You always run
up and act like it might maybe fit. You know,
I don't know if that's gonna get up there pick
(30:17):
a jacket for you, you moron.
Speaker 6 (30:22):
I know that's what they want to say.
Speaker 7 (30:23):
I would last about eight seconds at that job. I'll
just get up there and say, look like it's going
to fit. Now, this is much true.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
You have a dead yet, are you okay? You don't
see all these people jammed up waiting on you.
Speaker 6 (30:36):
You don't see it. It's like, you know, this is
your girl. It's all about you.
Speaker 1 (30:44):
You let us know when you're all set. That guy's great, man,
Brian Reagan. If you want something clean that the kids
can listen to, you know, you got some time this
holiday season. You want to put something on, something that's
you know, not social media and the kids and the
parents can listen to. Brian Reagan is the go to guys.
Speaker 2 (31:04):
It does take a lot for a clean comedian to
get to me, and he definitely does.
Speaker 1 (31:08):
Yeah, it really is.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
Yeah, I gotta go for the dark, nexty stuff, but
Reagan knocks it out.
Speaker 7 (31:13):
Man.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Yeah, he's good man. Brian Reagan, isn't it. We're live
on KFI AM six forty Conway Show on demand on
the iHeart Radio app. Now you can always hear us
live on KFI AM six forty four to seven pm
Monday through Friday, and anytime on demand on the iHeart
Radio app.
Tim Conway Jr. on Demand News
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