Birthday Bash Recap: Olives, Concerts & $1 Billion Worth of Bad Decisions

Rizz officially turned 48, which means it’s time to celebrate the only way responsible middle-aged adults know how: announce that birthdays are stupid, eat olives, drink approximately nine birthday beers, stay out until 1:45 in the morning and immediately begin discussing whether birthdays should be banned altogether next year.

Welcome back to The Rizzuto Show, the funny podcast where one innocent weekend recap somehow requires an incident report.

Lern returns from Nashville after one of her favorite trips with Tim, complete with cowboy boots, Broadway people-watching and a Foo Fighters show at Nissan Stadium that was approximately three degrees cooler than walking directly into a pizza oven. She missed Queens of the Stone Age thanks to dinner running late and a forgotten phone, but made it for Foo Fighters, Shane West randomly appearing during the band's trip through its members’ musical histories, and a romantic finish listening from the pedestrian bridge while fireworks went off. Cute. Disgusting. We're happy for them.

Back in St. Louis, Guns N’ Roses had their own weather problems when storms forced the band to shorten the Busch Stadium show. Naturally, this leads to the important journalistic question: if you're Guns N’ Roses and rain is coming, HOW DO YOU NOT IMMEDIATELY PLAY “NOVEMBER RAIN”? We don't make the rules. Actually, apparently neither do they.

Rafe also reviews a nice dinner that became considerably less sophisticated when he repeatedly ate what he thought were tiny potatoes before discovering he'd housed about seven cloves of garlic. Somewhere, a vampire crossed St. Louis County off its travel plans.

Then we finally get to Rizz's Birthday Bash.

Pin-Up Bowl goes from Rizz worrying nobody will show up to being absolutely packed. The special Dangler beer flows freely. Rizz receives spaghetti-and-meatball dangler earrings, another signed Don Mattingly baseball and a massive strawberry birthday cake featuring a photo of Rizz with a truly breathtaking hair situation. There's bowling, questionable decisions and eventually a migration to Delmar Hall — except for Scott, whom everyone insists they didn't abandon collectively. They merely abandoned him individually.

At Delmar Hall, the Blink-182 tribute brings the hits, Bangs Against the Machine brings the Rage, Rizz keeps getting handed beverages, and eventually Mrs. Rizzuto performs the evening's most important public service by shutting down the birthday shots before somebody had to replace another shower curtain.

And because this funny podcast refuses to allow one story to remain normal, Rafe encounters an extremely overserved gentleman who desperately needs transportation to St. Charles — or, as his remaining functioning brain cells pronounce it, “Saint Charola's.” Rafe gets him water, security gets involved, and somehow Rafe's name becomes “Grave.” Sure. Why not.

Then comes the Quincy lottery story.

The crew discusses an unverified rumor surrounding the area's massive Powerball winner and questions about whether the winner's reported probation conditions could create problems claiming the jackpot. The show makes clear that the details are speculation, which naturally does absolutely nothing to prevent everyone from imagining lawyers descending on Quincy and the winner going full Brewster's Millions with jet skis, a mansion, Kid Rock and possibly an old-timey paddle boat.

Birthday parties, concerts, garlic, strangers, lottery drama and enough questionable judgment to power another broadcast — just another funny podcast from The Rizzuto Show.

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