Fire, Fair, and Fame: A Du Quoin Disaster

Du Quoin, Illinois is having a rough week, and this one hits close to home.

Massive downtown fire in Rafe's hometown of Du Quoin. Multiple businesses were destroyed, including Home Lumber Company, BJ's Garden Inn and other properties along the downtown business district. Making an already difficult situation even worse, the fire happened during the Du Quoin State Fair, one of the biggest economic weeks of the year for the small Southern Illinois community.

Rafe talks about seeing the damage to a downtown that's already watched businesses disappear over the years, while Lern shares her own memories of growing up nearby and planning entire summers around the Du Quoin State Fair. Thankfully, the transcript reports no injuries or deaths, but the loss is still devastating for a town of roughly 6,000 people.

So the crew sends some love south and encourages everybody heading to the fair to support Du Quoin however they can.

Then, eventually, the daily comedy machine starts malfunctioning again.

The conversation turns into a full Southern Illinois State Fair nostalgia session, complete with Wiz Khalifa, Russell Dickerson, demo derbies, Night Ranger and Rafe remembering the time he watched Joe Diffie put on what felt like a full stadium concert inside a tiny Budweiser beer tent. Rafe also officially declares the Du Quoin State Fair superior to the Illinois State Fair in Springfield. Complaints may be directed to somebody who cares.

From there, September 3rd's collection of completely necessary national holidays introduces National Welsh Rarebit Day, which briefly causes confusion over whether anyone is eating a rabbit. They're not. It's cheese. That discovery leads directly to Worcestershire sauce, pork-steak marinades and the shocking revelation that Rafe doesn't own a grill.

On Labor Day weekend.

We don't make the rules, but we're pretty sure that's grounds for deportation from the Midwest.

Luckily, Lern has an even worse idea.

After talking with Tim Virgin, she introduces a potential reality-dating concept called Rock Hard Island. The premise involves eligible bachelors from St. Louis rock radio, women applying to date them and enough trash-TV energy to immediately attract hypothetical sponsors. There isn't actually an island involved, but that's apparently a minor logistical concern. Even more alarming: sales is interested.

Nothing bad has ever happened after those three words.

The crew also takes a trip through September 3rd history, covering everything from the beginning of World War II to Vince Lombardi, Iron Maiden's Powerslave, Prince's massive Warner Bros. deal, Charlie Sheen's 1995 marriage and the founding of eBay.

Then Lern takes over for Crap on Celebrities with a packed entertainment rundown. There's a documentary about late Rush drummer Neil Peart featuring Geddy Lee, Alex Lifeson and fellow drummers including Stewart Copeland, Chad Smith and Danny Carey. Rush is also headed back to St. Louis, giving Moon another chance to see a band he thought he'd never get to experience after Peart's death.

There's Beck news for local record-store fans, TV talk involving Chad Powers and The Gentlemen, a rundown of the upcoming Dancing with the Stars cast, and news involving Wheel of Fortune. The show also discusses an upcoming documentary about The Office and remembers Gloria Steinem and her enormous influence on American journalism and the women's movement.

Then we arrive at one of those debates designed specifically to waste productive adults' time: the greatest movie and television villains ever.

Darth Vader? Obviously.

Annie Wilkes? Terrifying.

Voldemort? Sure.

Hannibal Lecter? Yep.

The Joker? Somehow they almost forgot him.

The crew runs through villains ranging from Cruella de Vil and Scar to Patrick Bateman, Magneto, John Doe and Dr. Evil, proving once again that this daily comedy show can turn almost any entertainment list into an argument.

Finally, Moon breaks down which music genres are supposedly most popular in different states based on search trends, with pop leading the country, metal putting up an impressive fight and Sleep Token emerging as a heavily searched metal act.

Then it's birthday time, which means any remaining professionalism is escorted from the building.

We've got Charlie Sheen, King Scott's twin Shaun White, Kaia Gerber, Todd Lewis, Steve Jones and more before Rafe handles the final birthday honors and everybody briefly convinces themselves that Amber Lynn is dead.

She isn't.

Great work, team.

It's a show that starts with genuine concern for a Southern Illinois community, takes a detour through State Fair memories, somehow invents a trashy St. Louis dating show, argues about fictional villains and ends with an accide