Rainbow Cookies & A Groundbreaking Science Experiment

Nothing says “responsible morning radio” quite like starting the hour buzzing on Italian rainbow cookies and ending it by debating whether Rafe Williams belongs on Raya.

Welcome to another funny show from The Rizzuto Show, where the crew begins this episode riding the aftermath of Rizz’s birthday food extravaganza. Sweet Seven Layers has everybody losing their minds over traditional Italian rainbow cookies, pistachio and blackberry creations, cherry amaretto and enough sugar to make Moon openly admit he's buzzing. Throw in the pastries from Le Bon Boucher and we're basically broadcasting from inside a carbohydrate emergency.

Before everyone slips into a frosting coma, Rizz drops some actual useful information: Rizz Show Night with the St. Louis Blues is coming to Enterprise Center, featuring the Blues against the Colorado Avalanche and an exclusive Rizz Show Blues jacket. Even better, a portion of the special ticket benefits Operation Food Search. Look at us briefly doing something respectable.

Don't worry. It doesn't last.

Sexy Time Fun Facts arrives with a legitimately groundbreaking medical story: surgeons in Vietnam successfully performed the country's first penile transplant from a brain-dead donor.

And there goes the respectability.

What starts as an unbelievable medical headline turns into a surprisingly thoughtful conversation about organ donation, brain death and transplant ethics. Rafe brings some firsthand perspective from witnessing organ harvesting during his previous surgical work, while Moon reflects on his own recent experience being with his father at the end of his life.

Naturally, the thoughtful discussion eventually becomes questions about disclosure to future romantic partners, whether transplanted anatomy could be a different color and the phrase “secret three-way with a ghost.”

We almost made it.

Then the funny show tackles another vital scientific question: Is Missouri properly representing itself in America's swinging community?

A ranking of all 50 states examines factors including clubs, online communities, hotels and other indicators of an active swinging lifestyle. Florida takes the top spot because Florida apparently looked at its existing reputation and decided to lean in. Missouri lands at number 20 overall, while ranking eighth for its number of physical swinger clubs.

Respectable?

Embarrassing?

A challenge for next year?

The crew isn't entirely sure, although Rafe refuses to accept the possibility that Cleveland might be out-performing St. Louis in the key-party department. Civic pride comes in many forms.

From swinging, we make the completely natural transition into dating apps.

Science apparently has an answer for how much you should reveal in your dating profile. Say too little and people assume you're sketchy. Overshare every trauma you've experienced since kindergarten and romantic interest drops. The sweet spot is the “Goldilocks bio”: enough personality and detail to seem interesting without making somebody feel like they've accidentally opened your therapist's case notes.

Which means there's only one reasonable next step.

Get Rafe on a dating app for the show.

Rafe isn't particularly interested. He'd rather meet somebody naturally and “let the universe do it,” which is adorable and therefore completely unacceptable to his coworkers. Tinder, Hinge, Bumble and Raya all enter the discussion, along with stories of celebrities appearing in people's inboxes and the realization that getting Rafe approved for Raya may require more references than getting a mortgage.

He apparently needs Wayne Gretzky to write two letters now: one for Canada and one for Raya.

Eventually the search deteriorates into increasingly specific dating platforms, FarmersOnly, JDate, theoretical sea-captain dating and Rafe's dream of becoming an aspiring jet-ski owner searching for love.

Romance is alive.

It's just deeply confused.

From Italian cookies and St. Louis Blues hockey to medical ethics, swinger statistics and celebrity dating apps, this episode somehow covers an enormous amount of territory without developing a single useful life skill.

Exactly what you've come to expect from your favorite funny show.

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