Stadium Nachos, Don Mattingly & The Redemption Pitch

Rizz went to Busch Stadium expecting a Cardinals game and maybe a nice afternoon with the crew. What he got instead was Don Mattingly, surprise adoption paperwork, thousands of witnesses and a chance to finally erase 16 years of baseball-related humiliation. So yeah, pretty standard Wednesday.

The day starts with the important journalism you've come to expect from this funny podcast: stadium nachos and what they can do to the human digestive system when a grown man refuses to respect the warning signs. King Scott had to leave the show after apparently going a little too hard on the food the day before, which naturally sends Rafe down memory lane to his own infamous stadium-nacho incident. There are some memories you cherish forever. Others apparently require abandoning your underwear.

Then Rizz explains what actually happened at Busch Stadium.

He thought the crew was simply heading down for a Cardinals game and getting some field access. That's already a pretty great afternoon. Then they get onto the field, Rizz spots Don Mattingly near the Phillies dugout and suddenly everybody starts putting microphones on.

Suspicious? Sure.

Effective? Absolutely.

Because Don Mattingly isn't just another baseball player to Rizz. This is THE childhood hero. The guy whose poster was on his wall. The Yankees legend who immediately turns a professional radio host into an 11-year-old kid capable of rattling off 1980s baseball statistics like he's being held hostage by the back of a Topps card.

And somehow that's only the beginning.

The crew reveals that Don Mattingly has agreed to adopt Rizz for one day. There is paperwork. There are conditions. There is apparently more thought put into this fake adoption than we've put into several legitimate business decisions.

Why the adoption?

Because 16 years earlier, Rizz threw out a ceremonial first pitch at Busch Stadium and launched the baseball over the catcher's head and toward the color guard in front of a packed stadium. His parents were there. The crowd collectively reacted. The shame survived longer than several popular social media platforms.

Now he gets another chance.

One pitch.

From the mound.

Throw a strike and Don Mattingly recognizes Rizz as his son for the remainder of the day. Miss, and the adoption gets immediately annulled while the Rizzuto bloodline remains publicly disgraced.

This funny podcast suddenly became the final 10 minutes of a baseball movie nobody knew they were watching.

Then comes the introduction. Busch Stadium PA announcer John Hewlett reads an absolutely enormous setup explaining Rizz's original failure, his father, his 16 years of shame, Don Mattingly's temporary paternity and the consequences of another miss. Meanwhile Rizz has to stand there on the big screen waiting to throw the baseball while the introduction simply refuses to end.

Eventually, there is nowhere left to hide.

Rizz steps onto the mound.

He throws.

STRIKE.

Right down the middle.

Hunter Dobbins barely has to move his glove. Fredbird runs out. Everybody loses their minds. Rizz drops down and looks toward the sky thinking about his dad, and suddenly this ridiculous bit the crew had been planning turns into a genuinely incredible moment.

Naturally, we can't remain emotionally healthy for long.

The celebration leads directly back into jokes about Papa Don abandoning his newly adopted son, the Hubbard suite the show apparently wasn't originally invited to, and the staggering quantity of food consumed by people who knew perfectly well they eventually had to leave an air-conditioned room and walk back into St. Louis heat.

It's sentimental. It's stupid. It's baseball. It's stomach problems. It's Don Mattingly becoming somebody's temporary father. In other words, it's exactly the kind of emotional whiplash this funny podcast specializes in.

Episode 48 of The Rizzuto Show: come for the redemption story, stay because somebody has to make sure Rafe survives the buffet.

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