Thumbs Up, Stinky Dates & Relationship Backups

Rizz has a problem. For years, he thought sending someone a 👍 meant something along the lines of “sounds good,” “got it” or “cool.”

Apparently he’s been telling everyone to go screw themselves.

Welcome to another episode of The Rizzuto Show, where daily comedy begins with Rizz discovering that the thumbs-up emoji has evolved into something cold, dismissive and potentially passive-aggressive. Lern and Rafe attempt to explain that context matters and that, depending on who sends it, a simple thumbs-up can basically be the texting equivalent of “K.”

This is terrible news for Rizz, who JUST figured out emojis.

Naturally, the solution is to replace the thumbs-up with another emoji. We will allow you to discover which one the crew suggests. Human communication has had a good run.

From there, things somehow get worse when Sexy Time Fun Facts introduces us to “pheromone maxing.”

What is pheromone maxing? Imagine somebody hearing that humans may be attracted to natural scent and deciding the logical next step is to stop showering and quit using deodorant before a date. According to the trend discussed on the show, some guys are even wearing unwashed clothes in an attempt to amplify their natural musk.

And then there's the part involving drinking your own… bodily fluids.

We'd like to formally apologize to everyone currently eating breakfast.

The theory is that maximizing your natural scent will make you “biologically irresistible.” Lern has an alternative dating strategy: shower. Rafe also points out that if somebody is naturally attracted to your scent, your pheromones can probably survive a light application of deodorant.

We are not scientists, but we feel pretty comfortable siding with Team Soap.

Next up is another dating term nobody asked for: cushioning.

Cushioning is when someone in a committed relationship keeps another potential romantic partner hanging around in the background. They’re not necessarily dating the backup person, but they maintain enough flirty texts, DMs, casual communication or coffee meetups to keep that option warm just in case the current relationship explodes.

Basically, romance now apparently requires a depth chart.

The crew gets into back burners, rosters, dating multiple people and the difference between casually seeing different people while single versus keeping someone emotionally invested while you're already committed. Rafe compares the backup attention to a little dopamine hit sitting in your pocket whenever you need some validation.

Meanwhile, Rizz reaches the slightly less clinical conclusion that maybe you're just being selfish.

This daily comedy relationship seminar then moves to wedding photographers, who may know your marriage is doomed before you do.

After spending countless hours watching couples navigate one of the happiest—and most stressful—days of their lives, veteran wedding photographers say certain behaviors can become giant relationship red flags.

One is heavy drinking to cope rather than celebrate. Another is body language, including whether someone's feet consistently point away from their new spouse in photographs. Suddenly Lern is pulling up her own wedding pictures to investigate where Tim's feet were pointing.

Nothing says healthy marriage like retroactively conducting a body-language audit of your wedding photos on the radio.

Other warning signs include an underwhelming first-look reaction, dismissive comments about a partner's appearance, a lack of affection, eye-rolling during photos and someone who seems significantly happier around their friends than around the person they literally just married.

This leads to the obvious question: after photographing enough weddings, can photographers actually spot the marriages that aren't going to make it?

And while we're already destroying everybody's confidence in modern romance, Rafe brings the conversation back to social media and the illusion of unlimited options. When your phone constantly suggests that another person, another relationship and another opportunity are one swipe away, how much harder does it become to appreciate the person who's actually standing in front of you?

Look at us getting philosophical.

Don't worry. It doesn't last.

Because this episode also manages to include coconut oil deodorant experiments, back-burner spreadsheets, a collectible Tommy Wiseau wooden spoon, Lern accidentally making it sound like her wedding photographers died when they actually just moved to California, and a tease involving a robot vacuum allegedly catching a wife cheating.

Apparently the Roomba has seen some things.

So put down the dating apps, take a shower, stop analyzing every emoji you've recei