Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley burgets Hi and welcome back to the
Ashley Burgess podcast. Today. I want to discuss positivity, toxic positivity, negativity,
and realism so that you can understand better the people
(00:22):
around you, perhaps even yourself, where you're coming from, your perspective,
your emotion. I find that when people are around certain
people in their life, it brings more creativity, more happiness,
more joy I see that when we're with different types
of people, whether if they're negative or even toxically positive,
it can bring us down, hurt us, make us feel bad.
(00:45):
And so it's good to be able to look around
at the people we spend the most time with, whether
it's at work or home, and be able to understand
are these the people that we need to be surrounded by,
and how do we look at it? Because there's different
ways of looking at things. Sometimes we're not aware when
somebody is super negative, and sometimes we're not aware when
(01:06):
somebody is toxically positive because we really don't know some
of those things you're not really catching on. We give
a lot of excuses, or maybe somebody's been through a lot,
even though most of us on this planet have been
through a lot. We tend to give passes to certain people. Well,
they've had a hard life, or they've gone through this
and that, and so we allow that attitude to be
(01:27):
even though that attitude is actually continuing the issue within
their own life. The more we give out of something,
the more we receive with that something right. So the
more we're there for people and we're helping people and
we're doing what's right, the more we get that back. Now,
there's some situations where you don't where you're spending time
with people that do not provide, do not help out,
(01:52):
even to some degree, maybe taking your energy. So let's
first begin with understanding. What I would like to talk
is negativity. When I think of negativity, I think of pessimistic.
I think of somebody that's very skeptical, somebody that's very disagreeable.
They're constantly disagreeing with you with regards to absolutely everything
(02:17):
you bring up. So it's always a worst case scenario.
There's a biasness to their negative thought process, and it's
almost like they get a energy or a high off
being super negative. And I want you to think about that.
You know people that their whole life is about being negative.
(02:38):
It's about being negative. It's about presenting the negative thought process.
It's about pushing their agenda or their thoughts, and in
those factors, they create other people to have anxiety, maybe
other people to stop working as much because they're like, oh,
why should I? I mean, nothing's gonna work anyway. I
also find that the more negative somebody is, the more
(03:00):
this actually frames their entire life, so they see everything
in the negative light. Everything's a chronic complaint. There's like
constantly bad things happening on the horizon. And I also
find that there's a lot of self criticism but also
a lot of blaming others in a victimhood reality. Okay,
so it's more about, look what's happening to me. This
(03:22):
person did this to me. My life is so horrible.
This person did this to me. It's not about taking
ownership about Okay, even if something happened to you, how
do you rise above that, take control and get your
life back on track. Because the impact of negativity creates
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mental fatigue, It causes poor decision making. It causes somebody
to think in a very negative and narrowing perspective, like
there's no other options. And what I've found is that
when you're around somebody that's negative in a personal relationship,
a work relationship, or friendship, that the negativity is like
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an illness. It's like a virus, and it begins to
like get all over everybody, right, it gets all over everybody.
It's even like in a work scenario when you have
one person that is really super negative in the office
and you try to avoid this person, but they seem
to be everywhere and they're constantly talking about worst case scenario,
and it really begins to impair the relationship because many
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of you either fall into it where you begin to
adopt the negative thought process, or you begin to get
sucked in to this person and all of a sudden,
your entire concept of reality begins to shift and you
start seeing this negativity. Or you're the opposite where you
try to run from this person. And sometimes some of you,
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you know, are like me in a way where it's
almost like you're trying to help them get over this negativity,
but it's like you can't handle being around negativity, so
it just literally rubs you the wrong way. You're trying
to get out from being around them. You're trying to
move on, and anybody can overcome negativity. That's not an issue.
Anybody can overcome that. The problem though, is that a
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lot of people get off on it. It's almost like
they get a double mean high from being more and
more negative, like they actually get something from it. And
that's why it's the same when you deal with people
that want attention no matter what, even if the attention
is bad, they still get off on it. So they
might push you and push you and push you and
push you, you know, pushing all your buttons, getting very angry,
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you know, being very rude, putting you down, calling you names,
and eventually you lash out and you can see like
this chess shard grin on their face because they got
what they wanted. They wanted you to lose it. They
wanted you to get mad, and then you feel bad
about getting mad. But they got that hit, you know,
it's like they got they got that hit of cocaine.
They got that hit, and they're like, ooh, that feels
really good, and so they like that. They roll around
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in that negativity. They roll around in this kind of stuff,
and unfortunately, if you're hanging out with somebody that's rolling
around in this stuff. You're gonna get dirty too, because
you really can't keep a positive outlook when someone is
constantly negative. You can try, but it's like having the
fight of good versus evil. You are going to feel it.
It is going to be a constant anchor. It's gonna
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be something holding you down. It's like two cinder blocks, right,
It's gonna be holding you down. It's very hard to
overcome that. It's very hard to stop this type of
interaction and to try to change that person because that
person has to want to change. That person has to
want to change, you know. And so that's the thing
is that, how you know, dealing with them can be
very challenging, and I think negativity is like habitual, and
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so you know, some of the warning signs of dealing
with negative people is there's that victim reality, like we
talked about, And that's one of the biggest ones. Is
one of the biggest keys I want you to catch
on to, because most negative people are the victim in
every single situation. It's not about what they're doing, it's
what everybody else is doing to them. They criticize people,
they don't compliment. They always find a fault and everybody
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they know. Everybody they see is either fat or this
or that or ugly or whatever. There's always some problems.
They're constantly complaining about everything. Nothing's ever good. The food sucks,
this sucks, the atmosphere sucks, this movie sucks. Everybody sucks.
You know. They see the worst in people, so instead
of seeing good in people, they actually see people in
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the absolute worst light. They expect the worst in the situations.
And that's why when I have clients who are dating
or engaged or married to somebody that's super negative. They'll say,
we took this trip and it was the absolute worst trip.
Everything that could possibly go wrong went wrong. Well, that's
because you have somebody right there making it happen. You
literally have the person right there making it happen from
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your very eyes. Okay, so how are you ever going
to get away from that? They lack, you know, gratitude
for anything because they don't see anything as being good,
and they bring others down to make them feel better.
So if you're constantly with somebody that's bringing you down,
you know, to make themselves feel better, they're not gonna
stop because they're getting a high from that, right They're
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getting high off of that, and that's something I want
you to think about. Now, let's move into what positivity is.
Positivity to me is optimistic, it's being confident. It's focusing on,
you know, your goals. It's really focusing on the things
that you can actually kind of control, right, And it's
about being hopeful. It's about being forward looking. It's about
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being constructive. It's about having gratitude. It's about not dwelling
in the negative, because bad things can't happen, but if
we dwell in it, they continue. If we dwell in it,
then we fall victim into this reality. I also think
that positivity is about, you know, gratitude. It's about being positive.
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It's about overcoming that negativity, being grateful for the things
that you have, Grateful for the people in your life,
grateful for the opportunities you have. You know, you might
not live in a mansion, but you're grateful for your apartment.
You might not be driving a g wagon, but you're
grateful for your car. It's putting things into perspective and
not having this you know, kind of negative delusion that
you have around you. And so I feel like it's confidence,
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it's cheery, and it's active. Like when we're positive, we're
being active. We're actively finding a better concept. We're actively
consciously training ourselves to you know, choose differently. We're choosing
to be effective. We're choosing to be consistent. We're choosing
to get up early in the morning, get ready, take
a shower, get ready. But for the day, we're not
being a victim, you know, we're we actually have hope.
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We actually know that we can change things, we can
do things. There's a positive role, a positive experience. And
I feel like it's about having encouragement. It's about feeling encouraging.
It's about encouraging others. And it's and you're looking for
a successful outcome. Now it doesn't always happen, right, that's
you know, But it's not about that. It's about having
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that resilience. It's about being empowered. It's about having that
feeling of saying, hey, I am doing these things, having
that compassion for other people, having kindness, being kind, having
empathy for other people. These are very important aspects. But
I want to share with you there are some people
that go the extreme other way. That's what we call
(10:19):
toxic positivity, and that's something totally different, that is not
positivity at all. It's toxic positivity, and it is about
excessive it's about overly optimistic. It's about not seeing the
other side. It's about suppressing any type of negative. It's
about suppressing things to a harmful degree. It's this forced happiness,
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this force optimism. And so that's really problematic in its
own right because a lot of times when people have
a problem or there's an issue and they share it
with somebody that's toxically positive, that toxic positive person almost
shames that person and saying, why would you even feel
this way? This is crazy. You should not be feeling
this way. You should not be feeling this way. You
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should be positive about this. You know, Hey, my mother
just died and it was really painful. You should get
over that. You should be grateful, Like what's wrong with you? So,
you know, as far as positive positivity is concerned, it's okay.
Like when you're positive, you're okay to have other types
of emotions. You're just trying to be positive. You're working
on positivity for the most time. You're trying not to
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sit in negativity. You're working on that. But the toxic positivity,
to me, is almost just as bad. As a negativity
because that person is denying themselves the reality of life,
and they're also denying the people around them. Oh you
will be positive, Oh you will do this, you will
do that. And so a lot of times, instead of
practicing self compassion and compassion for others, you're almost like,
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you know, getting angry at people and putting them down
and guilding them because you know they're not positive all
the time. Right, So it's like the successive positivity. It's
like excessive. It's like everything has to be happy. Everything
is just positive good vibes. Only get over the status,
get over the hardship, move on. It's complete emotional suppression.
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It's complete force positivity, and it's an invalidation of feelings
because there's a part of life where it's not always easy,
and there's sometimes you just have to look at stuff
in a realistic way. And so what I really think
about in my life is, for the most part, I'm positive, positive, positive, positive, positive.
But I also feel like there's more of the time
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that also I'm positive, But I also sit in an
area called reality realism. Realism it's just how things are, okay.
So there's things that are happening in this world that
I do not like, I do not agree with. There's
things that are horrible and violent. I mean from everything
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from animal testing to the files to children who are
everything that's happening in our world, right, I mean, there's
some good things happening, sure, but there's some really really
bad things. And so we have I can't sit there
and be positive about all these things, like well, that's okay,
this is great. No, we have to accept the reality
of some of these things. And in that process we
don't want to get lost in any sort of negativity,
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because there is a rabbit hole, right You can be
realistic about something, but if you don't watch out, you
can crank down that rabbit hole into negativity. And so
I do feel like realism is just like focusing on
you know, just being realistic. And I know that realism
is some degree. Some people would say it was a
literary movement in the nineteenth century, and yes it is,
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but it was depicting life, society, everyday subjects in a
truthful and objective way and rejecting the concept of idolization
or idolizing any sort of romanticism. Right. That that's the
key here, That's what I'm talking about. So we look
at these situations and we realize, you know, it's okay
to be realistic, representing things in real life as they are,
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not in a dream. Not Oh this is the best situation.
And I feel like when you are realistic, you can
think critically, you can be objective, you can see different perspectives.
You know, you can make decisions in this process. A
realistic person, to me is a person who knows what
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they want. They're working to get it, and they're working
to keep it. And so I think when you're thinking
about are you a realist, you know, okay, For example,
it's a balanced perspective. You don't see the glass half full.
You don't see the glass half empty. You see how
much is in the glass to begin with. I mean,
this is how much coffee I have? Yeah, I mean, actually,
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mind's more full than not, and that's great, and that's
something to consider. So I'm not lying to myself. I'm
just being honest. You make decisions based on practical considerations,
not on your emotions. You also take things as they come,
adapting to situations rather than trying to force a perfect outcome.
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You also look at concrete evidence and think about that
so you're not. And the thing is is that a
realist is not a pessimist. They're not worst case scenario
because worst case scenario isn't true. Case scenario isn't realistic,
it's not. And so there's a very big difference between
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being realist and being negative. And so I really like
to adapt in my life a concept of positivity with realism,
a connection of the two bridge together. So I'd rather
see one area of life as far as you know
the possibilities based on evidence and a positive light, instead
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of worst case scenario, because worst case scenario, yes, sometimes
it happens, but most of time it doesn't. I also
like to look at things realistically, and I try my
best to reserve and to remove emotion out of big decisions,
because emotions do cloud our judgments sometimes based on our
own triggers and past that we haven't worked on. Right,
So the only time we get triggered is when things
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come to light or when things happen in our life
that we haven't worked on. And these are big considerations.
These are things that we have to work on in
our life to be happier and healthier, and it's very important.
And so I think sometimes realists are mistaken for pessimis
because they can be skeptical. But but I don't. Skeptical
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is different. You have to look at things from all
different you know, areas. I like to look at things
from multiple sides of things. You know, I like to
look at something from this perspective, that perspective, this perspective,
turn it around, hold it in your hand, look at it,
do your research, and then yes, I want to think
of the highest good. So I want you to think
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about how many people do you have around you right
now who you would consider negative personality where there is
the worst case scenario, it is the victim reality. And also,
out of those people, how much time do you have
to spend with them? Because this can really impact our lives.
(17:08):
And if you're dealing with negativity in your household, how
are you dealing with that? How are you processing that?
Are you having conversations with this person? Like I like
when I have to deal with negative people, which I
try not to, but when I do, you know, after
I hear them bring up like fifteen thousand things that
are negative, I'll be like, hey, do you have a posit?
Let's le's talk about something that's good going on in
your life. Let's discuss one thing that you think is positive.
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I also realize that a lot of negative people gossip.
They're constantly gossiping me about other people's business. They're constantly
talking and judging about what everybody else is doing. I mean,
that's like negative alone in its own I mean, I
don't care what other people are doing. It gets to
a point where, you know, it's interesting, you know, being
in you know, in counseling and coaching, I hear a
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lot of things and I don't have any judgment, and
I hear some wild, wild stuff. But you know, like
I'll go out, you know and do something social and
somebody will start trying to gossip with me about somebody's
wife or husband or whatever, and I'm like, I have
no interest whatsoever. I am not in that person's life.
I do not care what's going on. I mean, I
wish them the best of luck, but I don't care
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what's going on in their life. And I don't want
to talk about that because me talking about that lowers
my vibration down. Now I'm in this gossip Yeah, this
gossip soup going on here where I'm talking about somebody's
life that I don't even really know, and I feel
like a lot of negative people do that. They like
to talk about everybody else because they don't want to
look at themselves. They don't want to look at their
(18:38):
own issues because that's too much. So they'll judge everybody
in their perimeter. They'll judge even people they don't know.
They'll even judge their own family members and everybody else
and friends, and they'll talk behind their back about how
horrible they are. And that's something that is really toxic,
because I don't know if you've ever known people like that.
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I have known people in my past that I try
to be friends with that just didn't work, where it
was like you would be alone with them and they
would literally bring up every single person that you commonly
know with this person and just talk crap about them.
And I don't know about you, but you know, I
kind of saw the writing on the wall, and maybe
that was wrong, but I was like, huh, I wonder
if you talk crap about me, you know, I mean,
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you're talking crap about these fifteen people for these two
hours we're having some wine. I hate to be, you know,
on the other side of that. I wonder when that
you know, I was like, I gotta kind of move
I gotta move on, because this isn't the type of person.
If you're gonna talk all this stuff about your friends,
that's not a good sign. You don't have anybody's back,
and that's not somebody that I want to put my
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time and effort into. So when you think about positivity,
how many people in your life are positive? How many
people are genuinely positive? And you like to communicate with
how many people bring happiness and joy into your life?
And no, let me let me get this right. Though
people cannot make you happy. You have to make yourself happy.
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People cannot give you peace. You have to give yourself peace.
But people can bring in good energy and they can
be there for you. It's different. How many people do
you have in your life that's doing that right now?
And I want you to really think about this. This
is like roll call. I want you to really get
in this and think about these concepts because the more
(20:24):
you get into these concepts, the more you start evaluating
your life. And this is powerful because we need to
do life evaluations all the time to start cleaning house
or to realize where certain things are coming from. This
is important. This is important times to think about it.
How many people in your life are realistic? So and
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then how are you as a person? You know, what,
how are you as a person? Where do you stand
when you look at the positivity, the toxic positivity, the
negativity and the realistic concept? How do you stand within this?
And I feel that the higher you can vibrate, so
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it's taking away from the toxic positivity and getting away
from the negativity. If you can be within that positivity
and realistic and realism, you really are on a different
level of vibration and energy amongst the people on our planet.
You're already looking at things from a better perspective because
you're actually thinking about things logically, but you're also having
(21:26):
a tinge of seeing things in a better light. I
believe that the way that we see the world directly
relates to how the world is for us. So if
we see the world as a very safe, great place,
it's gonna be more that way than not. If we
see the world as a very scary place and we
have the news on twenty four to seven and can't
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leave our house because of fear, and we're constantly hearing
about somebody being abducted or this sort of thing. You're
gonna see the world as a very scary, evil place
that you don't necessarily want to deal with. And that's
what I'm saying here. This is the whole concept. Today's
show is just I want you to evaluate where you
are because I know there's a lot of information coming in.
I call it browbeating. This is what they do, is
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a browbeating means they throw all this stuff at you
on the news, and all these reports and all these
things come in, all these files. Okay, doesn't seem like
anything's happening, doesn't seem like anybody's getting there. You know,
they're just doue, you know, And so they keep throwing
that out there more and more and more and more.
You keep overwhelming. You're like consuming all this information, but
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where does it go? And so there's a time where
you have to shut down this information overload, refocus on
your life. What can I control? And I'm not saying
we should not be activist for things like I'm anti
animal testing. I really wish they would stop with these
horrible animal testing. I really wish they would stop with
like multiple things. And so I'm not gonna stop saying
what I say. I'm not gonna stop, you know, getting
(22:51):
behind organizations that are doing this. I'm not you know,
I'm gonna I'm gonna be there and support you know,
you know, you know, animal rights groups. I'm gonna be
there and support you know, dogs and cats, re home
organizations that are trying to help the homeless population, these
animals that are being dumped and all this stuff. It
has to be done. But there's a level of some
of this other stuff that gets really really over our
head as far as you know, how do we change it?
(23:11):
And there's some things we can change, but I need
you to only take as much bites as you can,
because I think sometimes we get overloaded, and then when
we get overloaded and we get browbeat, right, we can't
process at all. And I know that some of you,
you know, we're watching all these things on TV. We're
seeing everything that's happening. We're watching these the war and
the changes and the things that are happening in the
White House and everything else, and we're trying to figure
(23:34):
out We're looking at the economy, and we're looking at
all this everything that's happening, and these files and this
and that and everything is just piling up, and so
I need you to step back and say, Hey, what
can I what can I control? What am I willing
to deal with? And how do I refocus some of
this energy back on my life to create something in
my life that can better society, that can better the world,
that can better the people around me, that can better myself?
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How do I do that? And that's where I want
you to sit with after listening to this podcast, I
want you to think about that. What are some things
that you want to do in your life that you've
put on the back burner. What are some things that
you want to do that's important to you that you
think could be helpful. Are there parts of you, your personality,
(24:18):
your direction, your dreams that you haven't really tapped into.
What are those Let's figure that out, Start taking some notes,
start journaling. You know, are there things from your childhood
that you love to do, like photography or collecting, or
doing these various things, or playing a sport or playing
tennis or whatever it is that you need incorporate. And
I know these things sound small, but there's a whole,
(24:39):
well rounded individual that needs to be cultivated. We can't
just focus on spirituality. One. We can't just focus on relationships,
or we can't just focus on our career, or we
can't just focus on our health. We got to focus
on all these things that make us who we are.
And that's what I want you to kind of deep
dive into in a practical, realistic, positive manner that you
(24:59):
can exe on a daily basis. And this is some
very positive stuff you know that we're thinking of, and
I want you to do that. I want you to
really look around you and see the people in your life.
And I'm not talking about judgment, just being honest with
where they are in their life, the type of reality
that they bring to the table, you know, the type
of energy that they bring to you. Are they bringing
(25:19):
the right energy to you? Is this the kind of
energy that you want in your life? Is this what
you want? Is this good for you? Is this healthy
for you? And if there are people in your life
that aren't healthy, think about it. I mean some of
you might be married to people that are unhealthy. Some
of you may be, uh, you know, your mom or
dad could be very challenging and very negative or y
(25:42):
this or that you need. We've got to figure out
how to limit time around certain people. There might be
some relationships that need to be augmented, changed or stopped.
There might be some conversations and I know you might
be you know, nauseated from so many trying to conversate
with people telling them, But maybe there needs to be
some things said, Hey, you know, I love you and
care about you, but I'm not really gonna deal with
(26:04):
this negativity anymore. I mean, you need to figure out
your life and maybe look at yourself and understand the
victim reality and see what you're bringing to the table,
and have some hard, cold conversations because I do think
that sometimes you have to say how you feel. You
got to step back and recognize that some people are
going to change because they want to and others are not.
(26:25):
And as long as you know that, okay, you can
make your changes. Maybe you know it's a family member
that you need to step back from spend less time with.
Maybe there's someone at the office that you need to
spend less time with. Maybe there's someone you need to
kind of you know, make a comment, say what you
got to say, and kind of move on. You know,
maybe there's a relationship right now that's really super early
bringing you down and it's really creating havoc in your life,
(26:48):
and you need to figure out what are you going
to do to safeguard yourself? Do you have a plan?
Are you ready to change that, are you ready to
augment that relationship? What are you going to do? And
then this is something that I want you to really
focus on. I know it's a big picture concept, but
this is how we make changes in our life to
better our life. And also, when you start being aware
(27:10):
of the people that are toxically positive or the people
that are super negative in your life, you start realizing
these patterns. You also start seeing their life and how
they control or guilt people. And then you also realize
where you stand with those people and also see you know,
this isn't bringing happiness to me, this isn't bringing peace
to me. A step back, how do we step back?
And having some of these conversations with people before you
(27:32):
step back is appropriate, just so they know where you're at.
And then you can say, hey, I tried everything I could,
I did what I needed to do, I turned over
every rock. I'm feeling good about that. I didn't just
leave them hanging not knowing what's happening. But at the
same time, I had to be honest, and then I
have to safeguard myself by having some distance here. And
(27:53):
I think that would be a positive things. Right right up,
a list of the people you might have to have
a conversation with, think about how you want that conversation
to go. Oh, as many times as you can do
it in person is better. If you can't, you know,
get on a phone call, get on a FaceTime. But
remember you're the only reason you're having these conversations is
you're trying to preserve the relationship. You're trying to keep
the relationship. But you can't keep the relationship where it
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is right now because that's not healthy for you or
feasible for you, And in all honesty, it's not really
healthy for them either, because you're allowing them to do this,
which is also creating havoc in their life. You're not
saying anything about it. It's harming you, it's upsetting you.
You're allowing them to sit and stew in this negativity
or not dealing with their emotions with the toxic positivity,
(28:35):
and so it's not really being right. So if you
really care about somebody, you sometimes have to call this out.
And I think it's the right thing to do, so
think about that, marinate in that today, and I hope
that you've enjoyed this podcast, and there'll be more podcasts
every week here on Spotify and Apple Podcasts and anywhere
that you listen to podcasts. Also check out YouTube. If
(28:59):
you haven't already, please subscribe to my channel, Life Coach
Ashley Burgess. We put up at least two new videos
every week and we're getting closer. We almost have two
hundred thousand subscribers, so please subscribe, share it with your
friends and family. It helps you. It's all about everything
from self awareness to borderline personality, to narcissistic trades, to
(29:20):
finding happiness and healthy relationships, you know, working on your marriage,
dealing with the roommate situation. So definitely check it out.
Just go to YouTube and put in life Coach Ashley Burgess.
Please share this podcast with other people that need to
hear this. I appreciate you and I'll see you next
time on the Ashley Burgess Podcast