February 18, 2026 • 18 mins
You think you’re being supportive. You think you’re being loving. But what if you’re actually regulating everyone else’s emotions? In this podcast, I’m breaking down the difference between healthy emotional support and over-functioning. If you walk into a room and immediately scan for someone’s mood… if you soften your opinions to avoid conflict… if you feel responsible when someone else is upset… this podcast is for you. I'm addressing where this pattern originates, how it connects to codependent programming and trauma bonds, and why enabling can feel like love, even when it keeps you stuck. Most importantly, I’ll explain how to stop carrying emotional weight that was never yours to carry.
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Speaker 1 (00:04):
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burg's welcome back, lying to the Ashley
Burgess Podcast. And today we're talking about something that most
people don't even realize they're doing. You think you're being supportive,
you think you're being loving, you think that you're just
(00:24):
in good relationships. But what you're actually doing is regulating
everyone else's emotions. Let me ask you something. Do you
walk into a room and immediately scan someone's face to
see what mood they're in? Do you change your tone
depending on how they're feeling? Do you soften your opinions
or edit your words or over explain yourself so they
don't get upset? If somebody loves anxious, angry and sad
(00:48):
or spiraling, do you feel it in your body like
it's your own emergency. If you feel that way, you
might not just be caring, You actually may be overfunctioning.
And today we're I want to break this down what
emotional regulation actually is the difference between carrying and enabling,
where the pattern comes from, and how to stop carrying
(01:10):
emotional weight that was never yours to carry. Because here's
the truth, you're not meant to be someone else's nervous system.
So we're going to talk about healthy emotional regulation and
what that means. What is emotional regulation versus what is overfunctioning.
Healthy emotional regulation means each adult actually manages their own
(01:30):
inner and internal state. If I'm upset, I regulate myself.
If you're upset, you regulate yourself. We can support each other,
but we don't carry each other. That's a partnership. Overfunctioning
looks very different. Overfunctioning means if they're upset, then I
need to fix it. If they're angry, I need to
calm them down. If they're spiraling out of control, I
(01:52):
need to stabilize them. And when one person overfunctions, the
other person actually under functions. And this is where it
gets interesting. This is relationship physics. The more you regulate
for them, the less they learn to regulate for themselves.
And over time this dynamic becomes well, it becomes invisible.
You don't even realize that you're actually doing it. You
(02:14):
just know that you're tired, you're worn out, you're beat.
You seem to not be able to sleep well. You
seem to be processing a lot of emotion, and some
of it really has nothing to do with you. So
let's talk about the signs that you're actually regulating another
person's emotions and feelings. Let's dive deep right here. First.
(02:36):
It's interesting because there's the concept of hypervigilance, and when
you're hyper vigilant when it comes into relationships, it means
that you read these micro expressions of people. You notice
tone shifts practically immediately, you feel emotional temperature changes from
another person like a thermostat, and your nervousness and learned
(03:00):
to scan this actually at a very early age. Another
indication that you're regulating other people is the guilt reflex.
They're upset and somehow you feel responsible. You apologize quickly,
You explain yourself too much, You try to clear it
(03:21):
up before conflict escalates, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
The third that we need to look at is identity suppression.
You hold back your opinions, you avoid specific topics, you
shrink your reactions. And that's interesting. You don't say this
bothered me, or I didn't really like this, or I
(03:44):
wasn't really happy about that. Instead you say, hey, everything's fine.
You know I'm fine. I'm fine because somewhere inside your
brain says, if I say this, they may spiral out
of control. They may lose it, they may get angry,
they may get upset said. And a fourth indication is
that emotional exhaustion. After interacting with them, you may feel drained.
(04:09):
You replay conversations over and over again, looking for maybe
what you said wrong or you did wrong. You wonder
if you handle the situation correctly, and you worry about
it and pontificate on it, you also think about how
to prevent future issues, and that's emotional labor. And over time,
as this happens over and over again, it begins to
(04:32):
add up. So where does this pattern come from? It
doesn't happen randomly. It's usually conditioning. If you grew up
around let's say a voll little parent, an emotionally unstable caregiver.
Maybe you grew up around addiction one of your family members, mom, dad.
Maybe it was an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. You
(04:56):
grew up around narcissistic traits or even borderline traits, and
we've talked about that a lot on the podcast here
as well as on the YouTube channel. If you haven't subscribed,
already subscribed to my YouTube channel, go to life coach
Ashley Burgess and hit that subscribe button. We put out
two videos new each week, and some of it are
very easy, breezy one minute sorts as well as we
(05:17):
have a lot of long form videos as well to
really go into deep explanation of situations. Besides the narcissistic,
the addictive, the borderline, the emotionally unstable caregiver and the
voll little parent, you also have chronic anxiety, a depression.
You might have been dealing with somebody with chronic anxiety
constantly calming them down, assuring them and probably learn this
(05:41):
is if I manage the emotional environment in the family dynamic,
I stay safe. So you inherently become the peacemaker, the
mature one, the emotional stabilizer, and the skill set that
actually works very well. The skill set actually helps you
survive and thrive as much as you possibly can in
(06:02):
that environment. But now that same skill set is running
your adult relationships. Your nervous system actually equates love with management.
It's the same thing, and that's why a lot of
times in relationships, you become like a parental figure to
the person that you're supposed to be in a romantic relationship,
which creates really messed up boundaries, and it creates kind
(06:26):
of a messed up relationship. If I calm them, I'm loved.
If I soothe them, I am secure, And if I
prevent conflict, I'm safe. But remember that's not intimacy, that's
actually survival. And many of you listening have also dated
emotionally dysregulated partners as well. Emotional dysregulation is definitely rampant,
(06:49):
and when someone struggles with emotional regulation themselves, especially with
traits of BPD, narcissism, emotional maturity, the dynamic actually intensifies
because now you're overfunctioning meets their underfunctioning, and this begins
to lock in and it becomes a constant pattern, it
becomes a constant way of life. And that's something that
(07:12):
we have to be aware of in our relationship dynamics,
which can actually become a problematic obviously. So then we
have to ask ourselves, and I think many of you
are asking yourself right now, well, what's the difference between
carrying versus enabling, Because it seems kind of like they're
pretty close together. And this is where people get really confused,
(07:33):
is because you think I'm just supportive and support sounds
like I hear you, that sounds hard, you know, I
wish I could help. I'm here, But enabling sounds very different.
Instead of I hear you or that sounds difficult, enabling
is I'll fix it. I'll take the responsibility, I'll absorb
the consequences. All smooth this one over, I'll clean this up.
(07:55):
And so the interesting thing is that support actually allows discomfort,
while enabling prevents that discomfort and that reality for the
person that should be going through it. If someone explodes
and you immediately apologize to calm them down, that's what
we call enabling. If someone avoids accountability and you step in,
(08:17):
that's also enabling. And if someone blames you and you
internalize it just to restore the peace, that's also enabling
as well. And here's really the hard truth about it
is enabling feels like love when you're actually trauma bonded
to another person, but it keeps both people stuck in
this cycle pattern of this trauma bond. Nobody gets well,
(08:37):
nobody gets healthy. So what happens when you finally stop
What happens when you finally wake up to what is
actually going on? Well, first off, as you know, this
is where it's going to definitely get uncomfortable. And when
you stop regulating them, they actually may escalate. They may
escalate their attitude and their actions. They may accuse you
(08:58):
of being mean or cold. They may say that you're
the one that's changed. They may say you don't care anymore,
you're two distance, you're selfish. But what's actually happening is
that the system is recalibrating. When you stop overfunctioning, the
person that is underfunctioning actually begins to feel exposed and
(09:19):
they now have to self soothe themselves or try to
find the ability to self soothe. And if they relied
on you to do this for years, there may be
a really heavy resistance to this change. It doesn't mean
that you're wrong to change. Just because you have to
alter these circumstances to actually make things better. It means
the dynamic is actually shifting into the right direction. So
(09:43):
how do we stop regulating other people? This is interesting.
Many of you might be saying, yes, I do have
a lot of code of penditendencies. You know, growing up
with my family dynamic was very hard. I was having
to constantly reassure my mother, my father, sister, brother, a
situation I was the babysitter, I was the helper, And
so how do I stop regulating other people? Well, first
you have to stop, You have to take a pause,
(10:05):
and before fixing, you need to ask is this mind
to fix? Did I cause the situation? Or am I
reacting to discomfort? Am I just reacting to discomfort in
the situation. Second, we have to accept silence. Silence is
not always a bad thing. We don't always have to
feel the silence void. We can let it be silent.
You don't have to feel in that. If they're upset,
(10:28):
let them feel it, Let them feel the being upset,
let them feel the anger, let them feel that feeling.
You don't have to take that away from them. Adults
are allowed to actually experience frustration, sadness, anxiety. The third
thing is stop over explaining. You've gotten into this concept
and pattern of over explaining yourself to death. You know
that's what you've had to do. I over explain, over explain,
(10:50):
over explain until you're blue in the face. And so
you don't have to keep doing that. Just to have
clarity doesn't require a dissertation, right, So it's like you
know less is more and be able to regulate that
because you over explaining is just creating this even more so,
this trauma bond. Fourth, you need to regulate yourself. Notice that.
Notice when your body actually feels urgency. Are you feeling
(11:14):
like stressed? Is your blood pressure going up? Is your
chest tight? And that's something that we need to think about.
It's time to breathe because that's your old conditioning. You're
internalizing it, or you're actually physically internalizing their situation and
actually believing that it's yours. Fifth, you want to separate
love from rescue. Remember these are two different things. Love
(11:35):
supports growth. People need to grow in these relationships. Rescue
actually prevents the other person from growing, actually prevents you
from stop enabling them. Remember, because as you keep rescuing,
you are enabling them. You know, people talk about somebody
hitting rock bottom, while they can't hit rock bottom or
they can't come to awareness if you keep saving them,
and you keep jumping in and solving the problem or
(11:58):
cleaning the problem or making the go away. And I
want you to hear this clearly, you're not responsible for
someone else's emotional stability. Okay, you can be compassionate without
carrying their stuff. You can be supportive without absorbing their
energy and their situation, you can actually see it as there,
(12:19):
and you can love without managing them. You know, managing
somebody and loving them is very two different things. And
if you spend your life being the emotional thermost at,
constantly adjusting yourself to keeping everyone else comfortable, of course
this is going to make you tired, exhausted, emotionally spent.
You were never made to be someone else's regulator. You
(12:42):
were meant to actually be a partner or a friend
or a spouse. And I hope that this is resonating
with you because I want you to really kind of
reflect on a couple of questions. Who taught you that
you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? Really think about that.
Go back into the recesses of your brain, Go back
into the past, go back into childhood. Who taught you
that you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? You know where? Secondly,
(13:05):
you know where did you learn that from? And are
you constantly doing it? Because that belief I don't believe
started with you. I believe that was outside of you,
that wasn't true to you. And because it wasn't true
to you, these are things that we can let go
we don't have to continue with these We don't have
to continue with this. We can move forward in our life.
We can move forward with change and persistence to actually
(13:28):
find our truth. Just because these things happen in childhood,
where things were put on us that we did not want,
that we did not ask for, that we were kind
of thrown into, doesn't mean that we have to keep
carrying that. We don't have to keep wearing that. We
can actually shed that and become more of who we are.
We're not here to totally harden you. I'm not here
to make you a narcissist or raising narcissist. That is
(13:49):
not what I'm trying to do at all. I'm just
here to refocus your energy back on you. I'm here
to refocus your energy back on you, and it's about
here to freeing you, because I think there's also a
concept of freeing you, like freeing you from this burden,
freeing you from going down this direction, freeing you from
(14:10):
this situation, because this is a lot of weight on
your back when you're having to go through this process,
because you're not only carrying your emotions and your feelings
and your stress and your anxiety and your life issues,
but you're also carrying this other person's as well, trying
to figure out how to make it work for them,
trying to figure out how to help them in their life.
(14:30):
And usually those things are solved prior to your own
solving of your own issues. Okay, when people talk about codependency,
I know that people say, well, it's not in the
DSM and it's not an actual diagnosis. Fine, but it
is a type of programming, and that is very true.
Codependency is a type of programming that we fall into
(14:51):
because we were forced into it growing up. To be
able to feel secure, there were things that we had
to do to make things work around us. And so
what we're doing here basically fundamentally with in today's podcast
is to free ourselves to realize what has been going on.
Because freedom of this cannot start until you actually stop
carrying someone else. And this is something I want you
(15:13):
to really look at. Think about it. You know, are
you in relationships right now or is your marriage or
your significant other? Is this relationship more about enabling than caring?
And these are things that you have to ask yourself.
You know, am I trying to listen? Am I trying
to be there for them, or am I trying to
fix things? Am I trying to take responsibility for them?
(15:35):
Or am I letting them take responsibility for their own actions?
And where do these patterns come from? And being honest
about it, because this is the only way that we
get to the core of what we need to augment
and change, because we would rather have a friendship, a
loving friendship, or a loving romantic relationship, or a marriage
that is not based on a trauma bond but actually
based on actual caring and love, because those are two
(15:57):
different things. When we have a relationship based on a
trauma band on, both people are incapable of being able
to grow and move on as far as being able
to emotionally regulate themselves, allow the other person to do
it they need to do to emotionally regulate them not
taking on other people's burdens and really focusing on our own.
Because what I've realized is we can all talk about,
(16:18):
you know, our purpose in life, but our main purpose
in this lifetime is to actually find ourselves, to understand ourselves,
and to accept ourselves. And that is our big purpose
in this lifetime. And a lot of times we learn
more about our spouse or our friends than we know
about ourselves. And I think that this podcast, if you've
listened to it maybe a couple of times, can resonate
with you and you can see where you're doing this
(16:40):
in relationships as well as even in your marriage or
your romantic relationship. If you haven't already, go online and
check out the website Ashleyburgers dot com Ashleyberges dot com.
So let's check out the YouTube channel to new video
posts every week, and if there is some content that
you'd like for me to talk about on those videos.
If you're following on even Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn,
(17:03):
you can go online to a s h L E
y b E r Ges dot com and click on
that contact page and you can seend me a message
and I'll reply back within at least two business days.
So definitely want to get back with you on any
content that you are interested in me covering, and in
the process, think about this. When you look at patterns
in life, we're able to actually grow. When we're emotionally
regulating other people. We are walking on eggshells, and it's
(17:26):
time to have freedom. It's time to stop walking on
xs shells, and it's time to actually move forward with
our life. I hope that you found that this podcast
has been helpful. Please subscribe to the podcast here on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify or whatever podcast a website that
you look at, and let us know if there's any
content that you'd like us to cover. I hope this
(17:48):
podcast has helped you, and I look forward to seeing
you next week.
You're in a good place now. You are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burg's welcome back, lying to the Ashley
Burgess Podcast. And today we're talking about something that most
people don't even realize they're doing. You think you're being supportive,
you think you're being loving, you think that you're just
(00:24):
in good relationships. But what you're actually doing is regulating
everyone else's emotions. Let me ask you something. Do you
walk into a room and immediately scan someone's face to
see what mood they're in? Do you change your tone
depending on how they're feeling? Do you soften your opinions
or edit your words or over explain yourself so they
don't get upset? If somebody loves anxious, angry and sad
(00:48):
or spiraling, do you feel it in your body like
it's your own emergency. If you feel that way, you
might not just be caring, You actually may be overfunctioning.
And today we're I want to break this down what
emotional regulation actually is the difference between carrying and enabling,
where the pattern comes from, and how to stop carrying
(01:10):
emotional weight that was never yours to carry. Because here's
the truth, you're not meant to be someone else's nervous system.
So we're going to talk about healthy emotional regulation and
what that means. What is emotional regulation versus what is overfunctioning.
Healthy emotional regulation means each adult actually manages their own
(01:30):
inner and internal state. If I'm upset, I regulate myself.
If you're upset, you regulate yourself. We can support each other,
but we don't carry each other. That's a partnership. Overfunctioning
looks very different. Overfunctioning means if they're upset, then I
need to fix it. If they're angry, I need to
calm them down. If they're spiraling out of control, I
(01:52):
need to stabilize them. And when one person overfunctions, the
other person actually under functions. And this is where it
gets interesting. This is relationship physics. The more you regulate
for them, the less they learn to regulate for themselves.
And over time this dynamic becomes well, it becomes invisible.
You don't even realize that you're actually doing it. You
(02:14):
just know that you're tired, you're worn out, you're beat.
You seem to not be able to sleep well. You
seem to be processing a lot of emotion, and some
of it really has nothing to do with you. So
let's talk about the signs that you're actually regulating another
person's emotions and feelings. Let's dive deep right here. First.
(02:36):
It's interesting because there's the concept of hypervigilance, and when
you're hyper vigilant when it comes into relationships, it means
that you read these micro expressions of people. You notice
tone shifts practically immediately, you feel emotional temperature changes from
another person like a thermostat, and your nervousness and learned
(03:00):
to scan this actually at a very early age. Another
indication that you're regulating other people is the guilt reflex.
They're upset and somehow you feel responsible. You apologize quickly,
You explain yourself too much, You try to clear it
(03:21):
up before conflict escalates, even when you didn't do anything wrong.
The third that we need to look at is identity suppression.
You hold back your opinions, you avoid specific topics, you
shrink your reactions. And that's interesting. You don't say this
bothered me, or I didn't really like this, or I
(03:44):
wasn't really happy about that. Instead you say, hey, everything's fine.
You know I'm fine. I'm fine because somewhere inside your
brain says, if I say this, they may spiral out
of control. They may lose it, they may get angry,
they may get upset said. And a fourth indication is
that emotional exhaustion. After interacting with them, you may feel drained.
(04:09):
You replay conversations over and over again, looking for maybe
what you said wrong or you did wrong. You wonder
if you handle the situation correctly, and you worry about
it and pontificate on it, you also think about how
to prevent future issues, and that's emotional labor. And over time,
as this happens over and over again, it begins to
(04:32):
add up. So where does this pattern come from? It
doesn't happen randomly. It's usually conditioning. If you grew up
around let's say a voll little parent, an emotionally unstable caregiver.
Maybe you grew up around addiction one of your family members, mom, dad.
Maybe it was an alcoholic or addicted to drugs. You
(04:56):
grew up around narcissistic traits or even borderline traits, and
we've talked about that a lot on the podcast here
as well as on the YouTube channel. If you haven't subscribed,
already subscribed to my YouTube channel, go to life coach
Ashley Burgess and hit that subscribe button. We put out
two videos new each week, and some of it are
very easy, breezy one minute sorts as well as we
(05:17):
have a lot of long form videos as well to
really go into deep explanation of situations. Besides the narcissistic,
the addictive, the borderline, the emotionally unstable caregiver and the
voll little parent, you also have chronic anxiety, a depression.
You might have been dealing with somebody with chronic anxiety
constantly calming them down, assuring them and probably learn this
(05:41):
is if I manage the emotional environment in the family dynamic,
I stay safe. So you inherently become the peacemaker, the
mature one, the emotional stabilizer, and the skill set that
actually works very well. The skill set actually helps you
survive and thrive as much as you possibly can in
(06:02):
that environment. But now that same skill set is running
your adult relationships. Your nervous system actually equates love with management.
It's the same thing, and that's why a lot of
times in relationships, you become like a parental figure to
the person that you're supposed to be in a romantic relationship,
which creates really messed up boundaries, and it creates kind
(06:26):
of a messed up relationship. If I calm them, I'm loved.
If I soothe them, I am secure, And if I
prevent conflict, I'm safe. But remember that's not intimacy, that's
actually survival. And many of you listening have also dated
emotionally dysregulated partners as well. Emotional dysregulation is definitely rampant,
(06:49):
and when someone struggles with emotional regulation themselves, especially with
traits of BPD, narcissism, emotional maturity, the dynamic actually intensifies
because now you're overfunctioning meets their underfunctioning, and this begins
to lock in and it becomes a constant pattern, it
becomes a constant way of life. And that's something that
(07:12):
we have to be aware of in our relationship dynamics,
which can actually become a problematic obviously. So then we
have to ask ourselves, and I think many of you
are asking yourself right now, well, what's the difference between
carrying versus enabling, Because it seems kind of like they're
pretty close together. And this is where people get really confused,
(07:33):
is because you think I'm just supportive and support sounds
like I hear you, that sounds hard, you know, I
wish I could help. I'm here, But enabling sounds very different.
Instead of I hear you or that sounds difficult, enabling
is I'll fix it. I'll take the responsibility, I'll absorb
the consequences. All smooth this one over, I'll clean this up.
(07:55):
And so the interesting thing is that support actually allows discomfort,
while enabling prevents that discomfort and that reality for the
person that should be going through it. If someone explodes
and you immediately apologize to calm them down, that's what
we call enabling. If someone avoids accountability and you step in,
(08:17):
that's also enabling. And if someone blames you and you
internalize it just to restore the peace, that's also enabling
as well. And here's really the hard truth about it
is enabling feels like love when you're actually trauma bonded
to another person, but it keeps both people stuck in
this cycle pattern of this trauma bond. Nobody gets well,
(08:37):
nobody gets healthy. So what happens when you finally stop
What happens when you finally wake up to what is
actually going on? Well, first off, as you know, this
is where it's going to definitely get uncomfortable. And when
you stop regulating them, they actually may escalate. They may
escalate their attitude and their actions. They may accuse you
(08:58):
of being mean or cold. They may say that you're
the one that's changed. They may say you don't care anymore,
you're two distance, you're selfish. But what's actually happening is
that the system is recalibrating. When you stop overfunctioning, the
person that is underfunctioning actually begins to feel exposed and
(09:19):
they now have to self soothe themselves or try to
find the ability to self soothe. And if they relied
on you to do this for years, there may be
a really heavy resistance to this change. It doesn't mean
that you're wrong to change. Just because you have to
alter these circumstances to actually make things better. It means
the dynamic is actually shifting into the right direction. So
(09:43):
how do we stop regulating other people? This is interesting.
Many of you might be saying, yes, I do have
a lot of code of penditendencies. You know, growing up
with my family dynamic was very hard. I was having
to constantly reassure my mother, my father, sister, brother, a
situation I was the babysitter, I was the helper, And
so how do I stop regulating other people? Well, first
you have to stop, You have to take a pause,
(10:05):
and before fixing, you need to ask is this mind
to fix? Did I cause the situation? Or am I
reacting to discomfort? Am I just reacting to discomfort in
the situation. Second, we have to accept silence. Silence is
not always a bad thing. We don't always have to
feel the silence void. We can let it be silent.
You don't have to feel in that. If they're upset,
(10:28):
let them feel it, Let them feel the being upset,
let them feel the anger, let them feel that feeling.
You don't have to take that away from them. Adults
are allowed to actually experience frustration, sadness, anxiety. The third
thing is stop over explaining. You've gotten into this concept
and pattern of over explaining yourself to death. You know
that's what you've had to do. I over explain, over explain,
(10:50):
over explain until you're blue in the face. And so
you don't have to keep doing that. Just to have
clarity doesn't require a dissertation, right, So it's like you
know less is more and be able to regulate that
because you over explaining is just creating this even more so,
this trauma bond. Fourth, you need to regulate yourself. Notice that.
Notice when your body actually feels urgency. Are you feeling
(11:14):
like stressed? Is your blood pressure going up? Is your
chest tight? And that's something that we need to think about.
It's time to breathe because that's your old conditioning. You're
internalizing it, or you're actually physically internalizing their situation and
actually believing that it's yours. Fifth, you want to separate
love from rescue. Remember these are two different things. Love
(11:35):
supports growth. People need to grow in these relationships. Rescue
actually prevents the other person from growing, actually prevents you
from stop enabling them. Remember, because as you keep rescuing,
you are enabling them. You know, people talk about somebody
hitting rock bottom, while they can't hit rock bottom or
they can't come to awareness if you keep saving them,
and you keep jumping in and solving the problem or
(11:58):
cleaning the problem or making the go away. And I
want you to hear this clearly, you're not responsible for
someone else's emotional stability. Okay, you can be compassionate without
carrying their stuff. You can be supportive without absorbing their
energy and their situation, you can actually see it as there,
(12:19):
and you can love without managing them. You know, managing
somebody and loving them is very two different things. And
if you spend your life being the emotional thermost at,
constantly adjusting yourself to keeping everyone else comfortable, of course
this is going to make you tired, exhausted, emotionally spent.
You were never made to be someone else's regulator. You
(12:42):
were meant to actually be a partner or a friend
or a spouse. And I hope that this is resonating
with you because I want you to really kind of
reflect on a couple of questions. Who taught you that
you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? Really think about that.
Go back into the recesses of your brain, Go back
into the past, go back into childhood. Who taught you
that you're responsible for everyone else's feelings? You know where? Secondly,
(13:05):
you know where did you learn that from? And are
you constantly doing it? Because that belief I don't believe
started with you. I believe that was outside of you,
that wasn't true to you. And because it wasn't true
to you, these are things that we can let go
we don't have to continue with these We don't have
to continue with this. We can move forward in our life.
We can move forward with change and persistence to actually
(13:28):
find our truth. Just because these things happen in childhood,
where things were put on us that we did not want,
that we did not ask for, that we were kind
of thrown into, doesn't mean that we have to keep
carrying that. We don't have to keep wearing that. We
can actually shed that and become more of who we are.
We're not here to totally harden you. I'm not here
to make you a narcissist or raising narcissist. That is
(13:49):
not what I'm trying to do at all. I'm just
here to refocus your energy back on you. I'm here
to refocus your energy back on you, and it's about
here to freeing you, because I think there's also a
concept of freeing you, like freeing you from this burden,
freeing you from going down this direction, freeing you from
(14:10):
this situation, because this is a lot of weight on
your back when you're having to go through this process,
because you're not only carrying your emotions and your feelings
and your stress and your anxiety and your life issues,
but you're also carrying this other person's as well, trying
to figure out how to make it work for them,
trying to figure out how to help them in their life.
(14:30):
And usually those things are solved prior to your own
solving of your own issues. Okay, when people talk about codependency,
I know that people say, well, it's not in the
DSM and it's not an actual diagnosis. Fine, but it
is a type of programming, and that is very true.
Codependency is a type of programming that we fall into
(14:51):
because we were forced into it growing up. To be
able to feel secure, there were things that we had
to do to make things work around us. And so
what we're doing here basically fundamentally with in today's podcast
is to free ourselves to realize what has been going on.
Because freedom of this cannot start until you actually stop
carrying someone else. And this is something I want you
(15:13):
to really look at. Think about it. You know, are
you in relationships right now or is your marriage or
your significant other? Is this relationship more about enabling than caring?
And these are things that you have to ask yourself.
You know, am I trying to listen? Am I trying
to be there for them, or am I trying to
fix things? Am I trying to take responsibility for them?
(15:35):
Or am I letting them take responsibility for their own actions?
And where do these patterns come from? And being honest
about it, because this is the only way that we
get to the core of what we need to augment
and change, because we would rather have a friendship, a
loving friendship, or a loving romantic relationship, or a marriage
that is not based on a trauma bond but actually
based on actual caring and love, because those are two
(15:57):
different things. When we have a relationship based on a
trauma band on, both people are incapable of being able
to grow and move on as far as being able
to emotionally regulate themselves, allow the other person to do
it they need to do to emotionally regulate them not
taking on other people's burdens and really focusing on our own.
Because what I've realized is we can all talk about,
(16:18):
you know, our purpose in life, but our main purpose
in this lifetime is to actually find ourselves, to understand ourselves,
and to accept ourselves. And that is our big purpose
in this lifetime. And a lot of times we learn
more about our spouse or our friends than we know
about ourselves. And I think that this podcast, if you've
listened to it maybe a couple of times, can resonate
with you and you can see where you're doing this
(16:40):
in relationships as well as even in your marriage or
your romantic relationship. If you haven't already, go online and
check out the website Ashleyburgers dot com Ashleyberges dot com.
So let's check out the YouTube channel to new video
posts every week, and if there is some content that
you'd like for me to talk about on those videos.
If you're following on even Facebook or Instagram or LinkedIn,
(17:03):
you can go online to a s h L E
y b E r Ges dot com and click on
that contact page and you can seend me a message
and I'll reply back within at least two business days.
So definitely want to get back with you on any
content that you are interested in me covering, and in
the process, think about this. When you look at patterns
in life, we're able to actually grow. When we're emotionally
regulating other people. We are walking on eggshells, and it's
(17:26):
time to have freedom. It's time to stop walking on
xs shells, and it's time to actually move forward with
our life. I hope that you found that this podcast
has been helpful. Please subscribe to the podcast here on
Apple Podcasts or Spotify or whatever podcast a website that
you look at, and let us know if there's any
content that you'd like us to cover. I hope this
(17:48):
podcast has helped you, and I look forward to seeing
you next week.
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