April 8, 2026 • 32 mins
Have you ever felt like you’re constantly cleaning up someone else’s mess, but nothing ever changes? In this episode of the Ashley Berges Podcast, I ask: Do the people in your lives really want help, or are they just putting on a show and dragging us into it? I'm breaking down the key indications that someone isn’t ready to change, from blaming others and refusing accountability to projecting their insecurities. I also go into deep explanation on how enabling others keep us stuck and why setting boundaries is essential to protect our energy and our self-worth. These relationships don’t just affect the person stuck in the chaos; they also take a toll on the people around them. As friends or family members, we often spend countless hours trying to fix, advise, or rescue someone, losing sight of our own needs and priorities. The stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion can quietly reshape your life, your relationships, and even your well-being. If you’ve poured your time and love into someone trapped in chaos, this episode will give you clarity and help you stop enabling. If you are currently in a relationship where you are dealing with chaos and drama on a daily basis you can't miss this podcast it will help you!
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
You're in a good place now you are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, and welcome back to the
Ashley Burgess podcast Okay and today's show.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I want to.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Pose the question, do they actually want help or do
they want an audience for their chaos. Many of us
have a relative, a spouse, or a friend who needs help.
They need therapy, counseling, coaching, They need to go that
extra mile to work on themselves. And you've probably done
(00:42):
a lot of the work in the background, but things
seem to not work out. In today's podcast, I want
to cover the six main ways to know when someone
doesn't really want help, when they just really want you
to be a part of their twenty four hour day,
seven day a week chaos and take.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
You down with them.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
This is important to recognize because many of us can
work really hard and actually become an enabler if we're
not aware of what's going on. So let's begin with
how do you know when someone really doesn't want help?
The first indication is that they say they will work
with a therapist or a coach, but they don't follow through.
(01:23):
And so many of you may have checked online, gone
onto YouTube looking for people you've actually reached out to
the office. Maybe you've gone online and contacted them, even
got the phone numbers for your significant other or for
your friend or family member, and nothing happens.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Maybe you've even.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Gone far enough as to set up the appointment, give
them the information be there so that they can get
on the chat with the therapist online doesn't happen. Maybe
you've gotten them all the way into the session and
they do the session, but they're not taking any responsibility,
or they're not talking about their situation. They're trying to
(02:03):
blame other people. Maybe you've actually gotten them to go
to several therapy sessions and things were actually working out,
and the therapist was actually aware of what's happening. They
weren't clueless, so they actually give them really good information
and knowledge. But then soon they decided that that therapist
wasn't good, they weren't right. They don't want to deal
with that person. That person doesn't have the information or
(02:25):
the knowledge, or I don't like them interesting. And one
of the things that I find with people who don't
want help is that they're not going to get help
the concept of getting help. They don't want to deal with.
They don't want to actually follow through. They don't want
to find someone on their own, and the easiest thing
to keep you at bay is to keep saying, oh, yes,
I'm looking for someone. I'm looking for someone, but they
(02:46):
often never find anyone to work with. The next awareness
piece is that they blame others for their problems. So
instead of seeing the role that they play in the
issues in their life, they blame everybody else, whether it's
blaming you, a sibling, an outside friend, another family member,
(03:10):
whoever it might be, they blame that person for all
of their problems. I wouldn't have these problems if it
wasn't for them. I wouldn't have these problems if it.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Wasn't for you.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
And so they switched the blame up, making you the
problem person, or someone else outside of the marriage or
outside of the family the problem person, so that they
can always use that person or you as the scapegoat
in their life. If it wasn't for this person, I
would have this, this, and that. If it wasn't for
that person in our life, I would be employed, or
I would be a different person. It's that person's problem,
(03:44):
it's that person's issues.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
They're the reason for.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
The downfall of my life, and it's easy to blame
someone else for your problems. It's easy to blame a
situation for your problems. Many people blame a situation that
took place in their life a long time ago, and
because of the situation, I.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Have these problems.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
And I can speak from my perspective being a coach
and working with clients.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
All over the world. We all have our problems.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
We've all dealt with things in our life that didn't
help us, that pushed us back, that hurt us, that
mentally and emotionally scarred us. But we have to overcome that.
We have to overcome that so we can be the
person we are today.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Now.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
It's interesting that these people, if they don't want help,
will blame the situation, blame the circumstance, blame financials, blame drugs, alcohol,
and once they're done blaming things, then they move on
to people because that's easier to blame because you can
actually blame a person, and then you switch people that
you blame. And when people leave their life and they
(04:44):
can no longer blame that particular person, they will find
someone else to blame who's currently in their life because
they'll keep on moving.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Okay, and that's always an.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Interesting dynamic too, is that I have clients that work
with me and their significant other is blaming every somebody
else for their problems, their issues, their inability to do xyz.
But when that person is the outside source of blame
goes away, guess what they find someone else. So even
if you eliminate all your friends, there will be somebody
that your spouse or significant.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Other family member will blame for their problem.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And it'll be somebody that you probably know, or somebody
that they're connected to you or a family member of.
And so that's one of the biggest keys is that
I've realized that until we're ready to stop blaming, we're
not taking responsibility. Another aspect is that there is no
accountability and they don't take responsibility for their actions and choices. Okay,
(05:39):
if you don't have accountability and you don't take responsibility,
you are not.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Adulting. You are not a healthy adult.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
You are still a child and an adult body that
has decided to take no responsibility, to take no accountability,
and to put it on everyone else. The problem with
this is crazy actions onhealthy choices, reactions that they think
of nothing that's gonna happen. They don't think about consequences.
(06:09):
Consequences are no longer a part of anything, Like there
is no consequences in their mind that something could come
you know, something could come back after a situation, they'll
do things and they don't think about that.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
That's not even part of their thought process.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And so, for example, if you get angrier or if
you pose a question about them, when are you gonna
get off the couts, When are you gonna go get
a job, When are you gonna get counseling, When are
you going to get therapy? When are you gonna right
these wrongs? When are you gonna take care of your
alcohol addiction or whatever that is. They will respond back,
usually not very in kind, very argumentative, fighting, maybe escalating
(06:43):
the fight, escalating the fight, escalating the fight because they're
wanting to shut you up, and an effort to shut
you up, they will get angry, they can get violent,
and this is very scary. Sometimes if you're married to
this person, or you're in a family dynamic with this
person where you live under the same roof with this person,
you're constantly doing damage control, and so you might be
dealing with all kinds of people outside of the relationship,
(07:06):
you know, whether whatever it happens to be, maybe it's
other family members. Maybe you live in a community around
other people who are calling the police and saying, hey,
they were screaming and yelling and all this stuff's going on,
and so you have security issues. So they are all
these things that happen, and so what happens though, as
you know, if you're in the situation, they're not taking responsibility,
(07:27):
they're not stopping their actions. And when you bring it up,
they say, you're the reason why I did that. If
you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have done that. You're
the reason why I reacted that way. So again putting
the blame back on you. Fourth, they project their insecurities
and mental issues upon you and tell you that you
are the problem. Okay, projection, Okay. When somebody has issues,
(07:49):
problems they don't want to deal with, they don't want
to take responsibility, they will project it onto the other person.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
They will project it. Look at you, you have a problem,
Look at you? Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Oh my gosh, are you are right? Do you need
to see a therapist? I think I think something's wrong
with you. Do you go out looking like that. I mean,
because I mean, are you made fun of or what
I mean? I just don't want you going out, you know,
in public being made fun of. I mean, because you're
sure gonna be made fun of, like looking like that
or acting like that, you know. And so you become
the problem. You become the person that can't do anything right.
(08:21):
You become the person that keeps doing everything wrong. You're
the person that can't get things right. Even though you've
gotten these things right your whole life, Apparently these aren't right.
Everything you do is wrong, everything you say is wrong,
everything you wear is wrong. The way you chew is wrong,
the way you eat whatever cereal is wrong. You are wrong,
and they will project and project and project their problems
(08:43):
their issues upon you. And what they're doing is they're
just degrading you. Over a period of time, they keep
degrading you and degrading you and degrading you because they
have these issues and subconsciously they do know that, and
to a degree consciously they do as well. But they
know that you're going to leave them or not be
there for them. If you realize your value, God forbid,
(09:05):
you realize your value and say why am I in
this horrible relationship with someone that will not get help,
or why am I living in this situation? Or I
might be a family member, I might be a sister
or brother, but why aren't I not getting this person help?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
I might be a parent, why aren't.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I not getting this person checked in to get some
help and some therapy or you know, or you know,
some actual medical attention or constant coach to work with
them to really recognize their issues and be able to
be more mindful. Okay, And so we end up realizing
as they continue to project and you start getting yourself
beaten down. Over a period of time, you begin to
(09:43):
see this projection because at the beginning, you're not seeing
it at the beginning. A lot of times when you're
in these relationships, unfortunately, you are enabling them because you
wouldn't have been in this relationship. There has to be
a time where enabling started, Okay, where you saw the issues,
you saw the problems, you chose to over look the problems.
You chose to overlook the issues, you chose to overlook
(10:04):
the need for help, and you believe I can do
this on my own. I can help them wake up,
I can help them figure out their life. I can
get therapy for them, because they're gonna listen to me.
They're gonna figure it out. Maybe just a little bit
more love and support, and they'll come around. They'll come around.
This is gonna be fine, it's gonna be easy. This
is not a big deal. You know, this will all
work out. And I get it, and that there's a
time for that. Everybody has to go through that time.
(10:26):
Everybody has to go through that experience of try and
try and try and try and try, and then failing, failing, failing, failing, failing,
And the only thing that's the same is that person
has all the same amount of energy to fight you still,
and now you feel almost avoid of all the energy
that you've lost trying to get this person help. The
(10:47):
next is interesting because they will find flying monkeys and
enablers to agree with them. I'm serious. And you might say, well,
where are they finding these people? You know, they don't
have a lot of friends, they don't really have any friends.
Where are they finding these people? Well, okay, social media
(11:09):
is perfect. Putting something on social media on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Oh you know I hate my life or my.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
You know, my spouse is so mean it's so judgment
some narcissistic. Oh, they're such a narcissist. Oh my god,
this is horrible. Calling people up that maybe they don't
know that well and telling them a story. The narrative, right,
the narrative of their narrative, and getting these fine monkeys around.
Oh are you okay?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Are you fine?
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I feel so bad for you. What's going on? Oh
they must be abusive. Oh, they're horrible.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And so they find people no matter how close they
are or how not close they are. They maybe they've
never met each other and they were like Facebook messaging
back and forth, and now they're friends, never met each
other and never see each other, probably don't even know
who they're really talking to you on the phone, but
now they're talking about all kinds of things, and this
person is like literally giving them the fuel to continue
(12:07):
this narrative. And this is real, Okay. So the more
people they can get to believe the narrative, the more
that the narrative holds water. So the more that they
get people to believe the narrative, the more they believe
the narrative because they've conned all these people into believing it.
(12:27):
So it has to be real, and so therefore the
narrative's real. Now you have all these flying monkeys around now. Also,
we have to be careful because at one point in time,
usually if you've been in a relationship with somebody this
over a period of time, you are an enabler.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
You were an enabler.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Maybe you are looking and watching this podcast and listening
to this podcast or like, oh my god, I've been
enabling this behavior, and like I'll give you an example
of enabling. Let's say that they go crazy, get drunk,
you know, break things in the house, pass out, and
you're over there instead of just letting them deal with
their own stuff.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
The next day, you're over.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
There cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning up the floors, trying
to clean up all the glass or whatever's broken, doing
all these things. Maybe the next days, you know, having
breakfast and acting like it never happened.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Enabler.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Enabler, I can put like red flags all over that
you're literally enabling somebody to continue the behavior because there
is no responsibility, there is no accountability because.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
You're gonna take care of it in the end. And
I know you say, okay, well what do I do?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Then what you do is you let them stew in
their own crap, and so they pull some crap that
they do probably often, and instead of being the cleaner
and the cleanup crew and the niem on one, you
over there and you're you're coddling them, you're taking care
of things. Stop that, step back, start looking at what
you're doing. You're literally doing everything for someone and you're
(13:51):
actually hurting them. You're not allowing them to take responsibility.
You're not allowing them to even see the truth of
what their life has become. Because if you were to
walk out tomorrow and leave them in this state, within
a few within a few days, if they don't have
anybody else to take care of them, they will be
(14:12):
walking the streets and in a few days, in a
few weeks, in a few months, and a few years,
they will be unable to take care of themselves because
they cannot take care of themselves. Now you are enabling them.
All this enablement makes somebody even worse. And the problem
with the enablement is when does it stop? But also
they hate you for it, even though they bully you
(14:35):
and bully you and push you down and push your
boundaries and push your boundaries. The more you allow that
to be the more they cannot respect you because you
have become an absolute doormat. When you become the doormat,
they don't listen to anything you have to say, because
what does it matter what you have to say. You're
(14:55):
gonna do anything anyway for them. You're gonna back down anyway.
They've watched you back down over and over and over again.
And they know that if they push that button, if
they say that that situation, if they bring up a
situation for the press, if they bring up somebody, if
they bring up anything that it's gonna upset you. It's
gonna anger you. It's gonna make you get angry. And
(15:16):
then if you get angry or you yell, or you
do whatever. See, you're horrible, you're abusive, you're a bad person.
You're the reason why I am the way I am.
And this is how they work and this is their
m oh and so if you're in this situation, please
listen up, because this is really the only way you
(15:38):
have to think about it this way, and you have
to see the truth. When you're enabling them, you get
stuck in. They're chaos, and it's almost like.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
They love it.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
They have made your life twenty four to seven chaos.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
They're loving it.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
You are part of their show, their soap opera. You
are a side piece cast for the soap opera and
they're just running game. They're just the center of attention
and you're over there cleaning up.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
You're the maid. You're the maid in the soap opera. Right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
They're the main star, the main hit. The billboard is
their face, and you're the housekeeper in the show. That's
what you do. That's your deal. Seriously, I mean, you
need to really honestly understand that when you were an
enabler in someone else's life, you've become their unpaid housekeeper
to clean up their stuff, to wipe their ass on
(16:28):
a daily basis. And guess what they do. They turn
around and beat you down for it. You don't get
a metal of it.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
They don't. They're not nice to you.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
They actually know that they can continue to beat you down,
even more so now that they know that you can get.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Down to that level.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Okay, now I'm gonna really take out their self esteem.
Now I'm gonna really go after them. Okay, and there
you are, still enabling, stealing abling. Maybe they'll come around,
Maybe they'll be that person I wanted them to be.
Maybe they'll be that person that I met in the
very beginning of the relationship, which wasn't real, that beginning
concept in the relationship that added to that, that personality
(17:04):
was not real.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
It was generated.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
To be what they thought you wanted to have, and
they were very good at it. They knew how to
give you attention, how to love b on you, how
to give you the right sex, love on you just right.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Guess what? And then all of a sudden, Yeah, come
move in with me, and guess what?
Speaker 1 (17:22):
A few months later, things changed, Things really changed, And
if you got married, things changed a whole hell.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Of a lot. And you're like, oh, what happened in
those first six months?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Those were really good? Those six months were great. What happened?
I thought that was him? I thought that was her. No,
it wasn't him or her. It was there six months.
It was their character acting, their character acting right, their
character acting. So you know, it's you know, it's like,
you know, it's like, what do you have there? You
had nothing, you had nothing, Central Casting, you had nothing,
(17:56):
you had nothing.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
So what did you have? You had nothing?
Speaker 1 (17:59):
And the sad thing is this is that we enable
them because we feel like they will come back around. Oh,
if I just give them time, if I just do this,
if I just love them more, if I just buy
them more stuff, if I just take them to more trips,
they'll get over it. They'll be better. Nope, doesn't happen.
And another concept is they never want solution. Constant controversy,
(18:20):
constant argument. They don't intend on solution. They're not gonna
find a solution with you. Okay, they're not gonna find
a solution with you. They're not gonna give into you,
and they're not gonna accept your reality. They're not gonna change.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
So it's like you're constantly looking for them to resolve
these issues, come to an understanding, get to solution, but
it never happens. You're always in a circular argument on
a constant basis. The circular argument is constant. There is
never solution. It's the same argument. Then it's projection. Then
they project on you, then they manipulate you, then they
(18:53):
gaslight you, then they project on you.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Then you enable them to do it.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Then you do it again, we do it again, and
we do it again, and we do it again. It's
this constant dance. See everybody's playing their role enabler person
that doesn't want to help. Right by enabling, we continue
the chaos. We allow for more and more chaos, more
and more chaos. We're allowing it. We're continuing to start
obviously a very small role in their soap opera, but
(19:20):
we're still there.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
We're still showing up, not getting paid.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And I think one of the biggest issues is that
you are scared that if they leave you, or you
leave them, or you move on, that they're gonna find
someone else and all these issues with them are gonna disappear,
All these issues are gonna disappear, and they're gonna find
someone other person, and they're gonna love that person and
share that person and be with that person and have
(19:46):
this amazing relationship with this person. All that you thought
was gonna happen in those first three months, and see
that's wrong. They will put on that persona like they
did with you, to this specific person. They know how
to do that. They're not stupid, they know how to
play the game, and they will put that persona on
(20:07):
just like they.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Allured you in.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
They lure you into the situation. They're come on and
you're like, oh wow, this feels great, this is awesome.
I'm getting more attention than I ever have gotten. And
then guess what, They're gonna switch back to how they
were before after a few weeks or after a few months,
and that person's gonna have hell as well, and they're
gonna go through the same cycle pattern with you, unless
they don't want to do it. Because some people are
(20:30):
not they don't have a blind side to this. Some
people don't have a blind side to narcissism or extreme
cluster b or sociopathic behavior because they weren't raised around it.
Many of us were raised around this behavior, so we
have a blind side. We've become codependent through our childhood,
and we've been raised to deal with it, to play caated,
(20:50):
to accept the narrative, to go along with the narrative,
to hope that they'll change, to hold out for hope
all that. Some people are not like that. They'll be like, hey,
this is crazy. You're either gonna get a help or
I'm gone, Okay, I'm gonna try it again. I'm gonna
try to it. I'm done, Okay, this relationship's over.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I'm out.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Hey, I'm gonna let I'm gonna pay for the next
two months for the least, and I'll see you later.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I hope you have a great day.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But most of us can't do that because we come
from the Code Pendant background. We come from the mother
or father that was narcissistic, extreme narcissism, malignant, covert, what
have you, combination of things right, And so we're used
to that. We're used to trying to play cad, trying
to get them to see their value, trying to see
have them see our value. You know, you're working so hard,
(21:32):
you're doing all these things, and you're cooking dinner, and
you're doing this, and you're cleaning the house and you're
doing Oh, if I just do all this stuff, they'll
see my value. If I just do all these things,
they're gonna figure out who I am. They're gonna see
my truth. They're gonna see who I am. They're gonna
see that I really love them. That's not gonna happen.
I'm sorry. They don't see their own value. They're certainly
(21:53):
not gonna see your value. They're gonna project on you.
They're gonna use you as a means to an end
to separate themselves from what they have to do. As
long as you're the bad person, or you're the person
standing in their way or something, then they always have
the scapegoat. A lot of times they don't make their
spouse escapegoat. They might make someone outside that relationship the scapegoat,
(22:16):
or a friend or a family member somehow the scapegoat.
Maybe mom's escapegoat. Maybe you know who knows the best
man that was in the wedding is the scapegoat?
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Who knows what it is? But that is the key.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
It's the scapegoat because it gives them somebody to blame,
to shame, the name, to use over and over again
as an excuse for their problems. So there's some questions
I want you to ask yourself, and these are very powerful,
And these are things that I want you to start
(22:50):
asking if you're in this situation. If you're not in
the situation, and you're in a great relationship, you're not
in a relationship and you're happy, whatever doesn't matter. But
if you have a friend that's not happy, So if
you're in a relationship dealing with this, please ask yourself
these questions. If you have a friend that you're trying
to talk to about this that doesn't seem to listen
to you talk about enabling responsibility, getting help versus chaos.
(23:11):
Share this with them. This will also like help you
because you've probably been talking to them until you're blue
in the face and they don't seem to be changing.
You're watching somebody ten fifteen years into this relationship or
nothing's changed. That person's still going to get therapy, but
they haven't gone. It's been ten years, right, the problems
are still there. You're hearing your friend tell you about
all the issues. Nothing's changed, right, you know, there's so
(23:35):
many Or if you are married to this, or you're
in a relationship with this, or this is a family
member of yours, this is very important, you know, think
about these things. What triggers me with this person? Am
I still being triggered? Because our triggers directly reflect on
things that we need to work on in our own life.
If they're triggering us, what are they triggering us about?
(23:55):
What is triggering? What is emotionally and mentally triggering? And
what are they say to you that really triggers you.
I want you to write these things down to you
because we got to work on those. You know, if
you I mean, that's what I work on with my
clients is we work on those triggers so that there
are no triggers, and so when somebody says something or
does something, there's no reaction. You might respond, but you're
not reacting. You're not out of control, and nobody's getting
(24:18):
you to lose your stuff. You're not yelling and screaming,
and none of that happens. You're just like looking at it,
like you know what's going on because you're tired of this.
You're very well aware of the projection. You're very well
understood about their situation, their circumstances, and their condition, whether
or not they want to admit it or not. And
(24:38):
I guess the next question would be, you know what
needs to be worked out? Do you see this person
actually getting help? How long has this been going on?
That's something else to write down. How often have you
tried to help this person and they don't follow through?
How often have you gotten them a therapist, counselor coach
or you know, a minister, And each time that person
(24:58):
gets close to dealing with the issue, shoes uh, you know,
with actually working on their issues, they are no longer good.
They are no longer qualified. How often has that happened?
How much step back have you taken in your life
because of this relationship that's taking place in your life
that's causing all this turmoil and all this emotional work
(25:20):
and taking all this time and effort. How much have
you separated yourself from other people in your life? How
much have you separated yourself from your friends and family?
How much have you done to separate yourself with your
friends and family? And that's something that I want you
to think about as well, because that is a lot.
That's a big deal. That's a huge deal. I mean,
(25:44):
and that is you know, and and and that's and
that's something that you want.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
To think about. That's a huge deal.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
I mean, like how far you know what you've dealt with,
what's changed in your life? And how many people have
you kind of left behind because you're so busy taking
care of this issue, this trauma, this drama on a
constant basis. How has this impacted your business to your friends,
your family, everybody, coworkers, mom, dad, frest, friends, Think about
(26:12):
that because that has taken a toll for most people.
Most people can't even identify their life after ten years
of being in a relationship like this because things have
changed so much and not a good way, and that
person is still creating chaos, not taking responsibility, and nothing's
changed with them except for everything in your life has changed.
You become the enabler, You become the doormat, You become
(26:34):
that person that does everything, and that person still doesn't
see your value. And last, but not least, a lot
of people are in these relationships because of their fears,
the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone,
the fear of going this life by themselves. But I've
realized that challenging relationships like this caused so much problems.
(26:57):
Stress and anxiety, blood pressure issues, heart issues, the stress.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And strain on your body is amazing.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I mean, so I've worked with clients where literally I'm
looking at them for the first day and they look
fifteen years older than somebody their same age because they
have internalized so much stress and anxiety and anger and fear.
And so maybe looking at how much fear is ruling
your life, how much fear is keeping this person in
your life? Where is the fear factor? How much fear
(27:31):
are you feeling? And when you think about letting go
of this relationship. Can you see yourself letting go? And
if you can't, that's something you're going to need to
work on. And I, you know, I advocate the concept of,
you know, trying a couple more times to get them
to see the truth. But if you've tried for years,
(27:52):
trying a few more times isn't going to hurt. But
I think you have to have a cutoff date. When
when is this done? When am I stop trying? And
when do I have to see some sort of action?
And what happens when I don't see that action? What's
my plan of action? What is my plan of action? Now,
if they don't do any action, that's fine, but what
is my plan? What is my action? What am I
going to do with my life? How am I gonna
(28:14):
change my life? How am I gonna move the needle
in my life? What am I gonna do? Nobody's gonna
give you a medal of honor for this. And some
of you were sitting on the sidelines. Some of you
are not in the marriage that's having this, not in
the family, you're a friend, maybe you're a coworker and
you're watching this, and you too have been on the
sidelines of your life trying to help this other person,
(28:37):
help another person, And you too, have wasted so much
of your life trying to help your friend that's in
this relationship with this person that doesn't want help, because
you've spent hours and hours of listening to it on
the phone, you spend hours and hours of talking about
it over coffee when you could have been doing other
things in your life. And that's the thing. This affects everybody.
(28:59):
This type of chaos affects everybody. I mean, if you're
dealing with this chaos in your life, everybody that's close
to you is dealing with this chaos in their life.
The people that really matter to you and the people
you open up to, they're happy to help. But there
comes a time where everybody has to see some action.
Everybody has to see this person come.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Around and do it.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
And if they're not, you have to put your foot
down and have a boundary and say, what am I
willing to deal with in my life?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
What am I not willing to deal with?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And can I overcome my fears in my life to
overcome this and change my trajectory of my life. I
work with clients on a daily basis to overcome relationships
that haven't been working for a long time. They haven't
really ever worked, and we have to go through the
fear and the stress and the anxiety to move through it.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
But we do it with ease.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
We cover our bases, we turn over every stone before
we do make any changes. We do everything we can
to make sure we have no regret. We see the
situation clearly, and then we work positively, move on, and
then we recreate a new life based on our values
and our direction and where we want to be, and
we focus our energy back on us for the first
(30:09):
time in our life to be able to successfully live
our life and overcome the damage from the past two, five, ten, twelve, twenty,
twenty five, thirty years.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
It's up to you.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
If you want to work with me, you can definitely
just go online Ashleyburgess dot com. Just click on that
coaching section page coaching Sessions.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Go in there.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You can set up an appointment right then, right there online
Ashleyburges dot com Coaching Sessions.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Done deal. You can also go to that contact page.
You can send me an.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Email as well, and if you haven't checked out the
YouTube channel, definitely do that. I put out new video
content throughout the week on subject matters that affect us, Narcissism, PPD,
overcoming traumatic situations, dealing with very challenging spouses, coworkers, family members,
how to deal with this, how to process it, how
to move on, how to find success our relationships, because
(31:01):
our relationships are such a key part of our life.
If we have a bunch of really kind of toxic relationships,
we're probably not very happy in our life. And so
I'm wanting everybody to find that happiness, find that connection,
find their direction, and be able to hone in some
of that energy so that they can do what they
need to for themselves. I hope that this podcast has helped.
(31:22):
Please share with any family or friends that need to
hear this. And if you need to hear this, listen
to this a couple of times. Maybe go walk around
the block, maybe go to the gym, maybe just drive
around and listen to this a few times, because this
information needs to be into your brain. It needs to
be ingrained so that you remember it, so that it
really goes in so that we can actually make positive change.
Because you're going to need some coaching as you go
(31:44):
through this and after it to get back to where
you need to be at and actually not back to
be at the highest.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
Level that you should be at.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Because we've gotten into the situation, it's probably created a
lot of havoc in your life. There's probably emotional turmoil,
a lot of triggers, and when somebody is not taking
responsibility for their actions, remember they're projecting on you, and
that projection leads to insecurity, it leads to fear, it
leads to even more fear of leaving the relationship. So
I hope that this has helped. Please share and in
(32:12):
the meantime, don't forget to live your true life. And
you've been living to the Ashley Burgess show originally named
Live your True Life perspectives, have a great one
You're in a good place now you are listening to
Perspectives with Ashley Burgess. Hi, and welcome back to the
Ashley Burgess podcast Okay and today's show.
Speaker 2 (00:19):
I want to.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Pose the question, do they actually want help or do
they want an audience for their chaos. Many of us
have a relative, a spouse, or a friend who needs help.
They need therapy, counseling, coaching, They need to go that
extra mile to work on themselves. And you've probably done
(00:42):
a lot of the work in the background, but things
seem to not work out. In today's podcast, I want
to cover the six main ways to know when someone
doesn't really want help, when they just really want you
to be a part of their twenty four hour day,
seven day a week chaos and take.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
You down with them.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
This is important to recognize because many of us can
work really hard and actually become an enabler if we're
not aware of what's going on. So let's begin with
how do you know when someone really doesn't want help?
The first indication is that they say they will work
with a therapist or a coach, but they don't follow through.
(01:23):
And so many of you may have checked online, gone
onto YouTube looking for people you've actually reached out to
the office. Maybe you've gone online and contacted them, even
got the phone numbers for your significant other or for
your friend or family member, and nothing happens.
Speaker 2 (01:41):
Maybe you've even.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
Gone far enough as to set up the appointment, give
them the information be there so that they can get
on the chat with the therapist online doesn't happen. Maybe
you've gotten them all the way into the session and
they do the session, but they're not taking any responsibility,
or they're not talking about their situation. They're trying to
(02:03):
blame other people. Maybe you've actually gotten them to go
to several therapy sessions and things were actually working out,
and the therapist was actually aware of what's happening. They
weren't clueless, so they actually give them really good information
and knowledge. But then soon they decided that that therapist
wasn't good, they weren't right. They don't want to deal
with that person. That person doesn't have the information or
(02:25):
the knowledge, or I don't like them interesting. And one
of the things that I find with people who don't
want help is that they're not going to get help
the concept of getting help. They don't want to deal with.
They don't want to actually follow through. They don't want
to find someone on their own, and the easiest thing
to keep you at bay is to keep saying, oh, yes,
I'm looking for someone. I'm looking for someone, but they
(02:46):
often never find anyone to work with. The next awareness
piece is that they blame others for their problems. So
instead of seeing the role that they play in the
issues in their life, they blame everybody else, whether it's
blaming you, a sibling, an outside friend, another family member,
(03:10):
whoever it might be, they blame that person for all
of their problems. I wouldn't have these problems if it
wasn't for them. I wouldn't have these problems if it.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Wasn't for you.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
And so they switched the blame up, making you the
problem person, or someone else outside of the marriage or
outside of the family the problem person, so that they
can always use that person or you as the scapegoat
in their life. If it wasn't for this person, I
would have this, this, and that. If it wasn't for
that person in our life, I would be employed, or
I would be a different person. It's that person's problem,
(03:44):
it's that person's issues.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
They're the reason for.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
The downfall of my life, and it's easy to blame
someone else for your problems. It's easy to blame a
situation for your problems. Many people blame a situation that
took place in their life a long time ago, and
because of the situation, I.
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Have these problems.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
And I can speak from my perspective being a coach
and working with clients.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
All over the world. We all have our problems.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
We've all dealt with things in our life that didn't
help us, that pushed us back, that hurt us, that
mentally and emotionally scarred us. But we have to overcome that.
We have to overcome that so we can be the
person we are today.
Speaker 2 (04:22):
Now.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
It's interesting that these people, if they don't want help,
will blame the situation, blame the circumstance, blame financials, blame drugs, alcohol,
and once they're done blaming things, then they move on
to people because that's easier to blame because you can
actually blame a person, and then you switch people that
you blame. And when people leave their life and they
(04:44):
can no longer blame that particular person, they will find
someone else to blame who's currently in their life because
they'll keep on moving.
Speaker 2 (04:52):
Okay, and that's always an.
Speaker 1 (04:54):
Interesting dynamic too, is that I have clients that work
with me and their significant other is blaming every somebody
else for their problems, their issues, their inability to do xyz.
But when that person is the outside source of blame
goes away, guess what they find someone else. So even
if you eliminate all your friends, there will be somebody
that your spouse or significant.
Speaker 2 (05:15):
Other family member will blame for their problem.
Speaker 1 (05:18):
And it'll be somebody that you probably know, or somebody
that they're connected to you or a family member of.
And so that's one of the biggest keys is that
I've realized that until we're ready to stop blaming, we're
not taking responsibility. Another aspect is that there is no
accountability and they don't take responsibility for their actions and choices. Okay,
(05:39):
if you don't have accountability and you don't take responsibility,
you are not.
Speaker 2 (05:44):
Adulting. You are not a healthy adult.
Speaker 1 (05:47):
You are still a child and an adult body that
has decided to take no responsibility, to take no accountability,
and to put it on everyone else. The problem with
this is crazy actions onhealthy choices, reactions that they think
of nothing that's gonna happen. They don't think about consequences.
(06:09):
Consequences are no longer a part of anything, Like there
is no consequences in their mind that something could come
you know, something could come back after a situation, they'll
do things and they don't think about that.
Speaker 2 (06:19):
That's not even part of their thought process.
Speaker 1 (06:21):
And so, for example, if you get angrier or if
you pose a question about them, when are you gonna
get off the couts, When are you gonna go get
a job, When are you gonna get counseling, When are
you going to get therapy? When are you gonna right
these wrongs? When are you gonna take care of your
alcohol addiction or whatever that is. They will respond back,
usually not very in kind, very argumentative, fighting, maybe escalating
(06:43):
the fight, escalating the fight, escalating the fight because they're
wanting to shut you up, and an effort to shut
you up, they will get angry, they can get violent,
and this is very scary. Sometimes if you're married to
this person, or you're in a family dynamic with this
person where you live under the same roof with this person,
you're constantly doing damage control, and so you might be
dealing with all kinds of people outside of the relationship,
(07:06):
you know, whether whatever it happens to be, maybe it's
other family members. Maybe you live in a community around
other people who are calling the police and saying, hey,
they were screaming and yelling and all this stuff's going on,
and so you have security issues. So they are all
these things that happen, and so what happens though, as
you know, if you're in the situation, they're not taking responsibility,
(07:27):
they're not stopping their actions. And when you bring it up,
they say, you're the reason why I did that. If
you hadn't said that, I wouldn't have done that. You're
the reason why I reacted that way. So again putting
the blame back on you. Fourth, they project their insecurities
and mental issues upon you and tell you that you
are the problem. Okay, projection, Okay. When somebody has issues,
(07:49):
problems they don't want to deal with, they don't want
to take responsibility, they will project it onto the other person.
Speaker 2 (07:54):
They will project it. Look at you, you have a problem,
Look at you? Are you okay?
Speaker 1 (07:58):
Oh my gosh, are you are right? Do you need
to see a therapist? I think I think something's wrong
with you. Do you go out looking like that. I mean,
because I mean, are you made fun of or what
I mean? I just don't want you going out, you know,
in public being made fun of. I mean, because you're
sure gonna be made fun of, like looking like that
or acting like that, you know. And so you become
the problem. You become the person that can't do anything right.
(08:21):
You become the person that keeps doing everything wrong. You're
the person that can't get things right. Even though you've
gotten these things right your whole life, Apparently these aren't right.
Everything you do is wrong, everything you say is wrong,
everything you wear is wrong. The way you chew is wrong,
the way you eat whatever cereal is wrong. You are wrong,
and they will project and project and project their problems
(08:43):
their issues upon you. And what they're doing is they're
just degrading you. Over a period of time, they keep
degrading you and degrading you and degrading you because they
have these issues and subconsciously they do know that, and
to a degree consciously they do as well. But they
know that you're going to leave them or not be
there for them. If you realize your value, God forbid,
(09:05):
you realize your value and say why am I in
this horrible relationship with someone that will not get help,
or why am I living in this situation? Or I
might be a family member, I might be a sister
or brother, but why aren't I not getting this person help?
Speaker 2 (09:18):
I might be a parent, why aren't.
Speaker 1 (09:20):
I not getting this person checked in to get some
help and some therapy or you know, or you know,
some actual medical attention or constant coach to work with
them to really recognize their issues and be able to
be more mindful. Okay, And so we end up realizing
as they continue to project and you start getting yourself
beaten down. Over a period of time, you begin to
(09:43):
see this projection because at the beginning, you're not seeing
it at the beginning. A lot of times when you're
in these relationships, unfortunately, you are enabling them because you
wouldn't have been in this relationship. There has to be
a time where enabling started, Okay, where you saw the issues,
you saw the problems, you chose to over look the problems.
You chose to overlook the issues, you chose to overlook
(10:04):
the need for help, and you believe I can do
this on my own. I can help them wake up,
I can help them figure out their life. I can
get therapy for them, because they're gonna listen to me.
They're gonna figure it out. Maybe just a little bit
more love and support, and they'll come around. They'll come around.
This is gonna be fine, it's gonna be easy. This
is not a big deal. You know, this will all
work out. And I get it, and that there's a
time for that. Everybody has to go through that time.
(10:26):
Everybody has to go through that experience of try and
try and try and try and try, and then failing, failing, failing, failing, failing,
And the only thing that's the same is that person
has all the same amount of energy to fight you still,
and now you feel almost avoid of all the energy
that you've lost trying to get this person help. The
(10:47):
next is interesting because they will find flying monkeys and
enablers to agree with them. I'm serious. And you might say, well,
where are they finding these people? You know, they don't
have a lot of friends, they don't really have any friends.
Where are they finding these people? Well, okay, social media
(11:09):
is perfect. Putting something on social media on Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
Oh you know I hate my life or my.
Speaker 1 (11:19):
You know, my spouse is so mean it's so judgment
some narcissistic. Oh, they're such a narcissist. Oh my god,
this is horrible. Calling people up that maybe they don't
know that well and telling them a story. The narrative, right,
the narrative of their narrative, and getting these fine monkeys around.
Oh are you okay?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
Are you fine?
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Oh?
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I feel so bad for you. What's going on? Oh
they must be abusive. Oh, they're horrible.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
And so they find people no matter how close they
are or how not close they are. They maybe they've
never met each other and they were like Facebook messaging
back and forth, and now they're friends, never met each
other and never see each other, probably don't even know
who they're really talking to you on the phone, but
now they're talking about all kinds of things, and this
person is like literally giving them the fuel to continue
(12:07):
this narrative. And this is real, Okay. So the more
people they can get to believe the narrative, the more
that the narrative holds water. So the more that they
get people to believe the narrative, the more they believe
the narrative because they've conned all these people into believing it.
(12:27):
So it has to be real, and so therefore the
narrative's real. Now you have all these flying monkeys around now. Also,
we have to be careful because at one point in time,
usually if you've been in a relationship with somebody this
over a period of time, you are an enabler.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
You were an enabler.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
Maybe you are looking and watching this podcast and listening
to this podcast or like, oh my god, I've been
enabling this behavior, and like I'll give you an example
of enabling. Let's say that they go crazy, get drunk,
you know, break things in the house, pass out, and
you're over there instead of just letting them deal with
their own stuff.
Speaker 2 (12:59):
The next day, you're over.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
There cleaning up the kitchen, cleaning up the floors, trying
to clean up all the glass or whatever's broken, doing
all these things. Maybe the next days, you know, having
breakfast and acting like it never happened.
Speaker 2 (13:11):
Enabler.
Speaker 1 (13:12):
Enabler, I can put like red flags all over that
you're literally enabling somebody to continue the behavior because there
is no responsibility, there is no accountability because.
Speaker 2 (13:22):
You're gonna take care of it in the end. And
I know you say, okay, well what do I do?
Speaker 1 (13:27):
Then what you do is you let them stew in
their own crap, and so they pull some crap that
they do probably often, and instead of being the cleaner
and the cleanup crew and the niem on one, you
over there and you're you're coddling them, you're taking care
of things. Stop that, step back, start looking at what
you're doing. You're literally doing everything for someone and you're
(13:51):
actually hurting them. You're not allowing them to take responsibility.
You're not allowing them to even see the truth of
what their life has become. Because if you were to
walk out tomorrow and leave them in this state, within
a few within a few days, if they don't have
anybody else to take care of them, they will be
(14:12):
walking the streets and in a few days, in a
few weeks, in a few months, and a few years,
they will be unable to take care of themselves because
they cannot take care of themselves. Now you are enabling them.
All this enablement makes somebody even worse. And the problem
with the enablement is when does it stop? But also
they hate you for it, even though they bully you
(14:35):
and bully you and push you down and push your
boundaries and push your boundaries. The more you allow that
to be the more they cannot respect you because you
have become an absolute doormat. When you become the doormat,
they don't listen to anything you have to say, because
what does it matter what you have to say. You're
(14:55):
gonna do anything anyway for them. You're gonna back down anyway.
They've watched you back down over and over and over again.
And they know that if they push that button, if
they say that that situation, if they bring up a
situation for the press, if they bring up somebody, if
they bring up anything that it's gonna upset you. It's
gonna anger you. It's gonna make you get angry. And
(15:16):
then if you get angry or you yell, or you
do whatever. See, you're horrible, you're abusive, you're a bad person.
You're the reason why I am the way I am.
And this is how they work and this is their
m oh and so if you're in this situation, please
listen up, because this is really the only way you
(15:38):
have to think about it this way, and you have
to see the truth. When you're enabling them, you get
stuck in. They're chaos, and it's almost like.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
They love it.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
They have made your life twenty four to seven chaos.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
They're loving it.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
You are part of their show, their soap opera. You
are a side piece cast for the soap opera and
they're just running game. They're just the center of attention
and you're over there cleaning up.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
You're the maid. You're the maid in the soap opera. Right.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
They're the main star, the main hit. The billboard is
their face, and you're the housekeeper in the show. That's
what you do. That's your deal. Seriously, I mean, you
need to really honestly understand that when you were an
enabler in someone else's life, you've become their unpaid housekeeper
to clean up their stuff, to wipe their ass on
(16:28):
a daily basis. And guess what they do. They turn
around and beat you down for it. You don't get
a metal of it.
Speaker 2 (16:35):
They don't. They're not nice to you.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
They actually know that they can continue to beat you down,
even more so now that they know that you can get.
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Down to that level.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Okay, now I'm gonna really take out their self esteem.
Now I'm gonna really go after them. Okay, and there
you are, still enabling, stealing abling. Maybe they'll come around,
Maybe they'll be that person I wanted them to be.
Maybe they'll be that person that I met in the
very beginning of the relationship, which wasn't real, that beginning
concept in the relationship that added to that, that personality
(17:04):
was not real.
Speaker 2 (17:05):
It was generated.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
To be what they thought you wanted to have, and
they were very good at it. They knew how to
give you attention, how to love b on you, how
to give you the right sex, love on you just right.
Speaker 2 (17:18):
Guess what? And then all of a sudden, Yeah, come
move in with me, and guess what?
Speaker 1 (17:22):
A few months later, things changed, Things really changed, And
if you got married, things changed a whole hell.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Of a lot. And you're like, oh, what happened in
those first six months?
Speaker 1 (17:33):
Those were really good? Those six months were great. What happened?
I thought that was him? I thought that was her. No,
it wasn't him or her. It was there six months.
It was their character acting, their character acting right, their
character acting. So you know, it's you know, it's like,
you know, it's like, what do you have there? You
had nothing, you had nothing, Central Casting, you had nothing,
(17:56):
you had nothing.
Speaker 2 (17:57):
So what did you have? You had nothing?
Speaker 1 (17:59):
And the sad thing is this is that we enable
them because we feel like they will come back around. Oh,
if I just give them time, if I just do this,
if I just love them more, if I just buy
them more stuff, if I just take them to more trips,
they'll get over it. They'll be better. Nope, doesn't happen.
And another concept is they never want solution. Constant controversy,
(18:20):
constant argument. They don't intend on solution. They're not gonna
find a solution with you. Okay, they're not gonna find
a solution with you. They're not gonna give into you,
and they're not gonna accept your reality. They're not gonna change.
Speaker 2 (18:31):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (18:32):
So it's like you're constantly looking for them to resolve
these issues, come to an understanding, get to solution, but
it never happens. You're always in a circular argument on
a constant basis. The circular argument is constant. There is
never solution. It's the same argument. Then it's projection. Then
they project on you, then they manipulate you, then they
(18:53):
gaslight you, then they project on you.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Then you enable them to do it.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Then you do it again, we do it again, and
we do it again, and we do it again. It's
this constant dance. See everybody's playing their role enabler person
that doesn't want to help. Right by enabling, we continue
the chaos. We allow for more and more chaos, more
and more chaos. We're allowing it. We're continuing to start
obviously a very small role in their soap opera, but
(19:20):
we're still there.
Speaker 2 (19:22):
We're still showing up, not getting paid.
Speaker 1 (19:25):
And I think one of the biggest issues is that
you are scared that if they leave you, or you
leave them, or you move on, that they're gonna find
someone else and all these issues with them are gonna disappear,
All these issues are gonna disappear, and they're gonna find
someone other person, and they're gonna love that person and
share that person and be with that person and have
(19:46):
this amazing relationship with this person. All that you thought
was gonna happen in those first three months, and see
that's wrong. They will put on that persona like they
did with you, to this specific person. They know how
to do that. They're not stupid, they know how to
play the game, and they will put that persona on
(20:07):
just like they.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
Allured you in.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
They lure you into the situation. They're come on and
you're like, oh wow, this feels great, this is awesome.
I'm getting more attention than I ever have gotten. And
then guess what, They're gonna switch back to how they
were before after a few weeks or after a few months,
and that person's gonna have hell as well, and they're
gonna go through the same cycle pattern with you, unless
they don't want to do it. Because some people are
(20:30):
not they don't have a blind side to this. Some
people don't have a blind side to narcissism or extreme
cluster b or sociopathic behavior because they weren't raised around it.
Many of us were raised around this behavior, so we
have a blind side. We've become codependent through our childhood,
and we've been raised to deal with it, to play caated,
(20:50):
to accept the narrative, to go along with the narrative,
to hope that they'll change, to hold out for hope
all that. Some people are not like that. They'll be like, hey,
this is crazy. You're either gonna get a help or
I'm gone, Okay, I'm gonna try it again. I'm gonna
try to it. I'm done, Okay, this relationship's over.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I'm out.
Speaker 1 (21:05):
Hey, I'm gonna let I'm gonna pay for the next
two months for the least, and I'll see you later.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
I hope you have a great day.
Speaker 1 (21:10):
But most of us can't do that because we come
from the Code Pendant background. We come from the mother
or father that was narcissistic, extreme narcissism, malignant, covert, what
have you, combination of things right, And so we're used
to that. We're used to trying to play cad, trying
to get them to see their value, trying to see
have them see our value. You know, you're working so hard,
(21:32):
you're doing all these things, and you're cooking dinner, and
you're doing this, and you're cleaning the house and you're
doing Oh, if I just do all this stuff, they'll
see my value. If I just do all these things,
they're gonna figure out who I am. They're gonna see
my truth. They're gonna see who I am. They're gonna
see that I really love them. That's not gonna happen.
I'm sorry. They don't see their own value. They're certainly
(21:53):
not gonna see your value. They're gonna project on you.
They're gonna use you as a means to an end
to separate themselves from what they have to do. As
long as you're the bad person, or you're the person
standing in their way or something, then they always have
the scapegoat. A lot of times they don't make their
spouse escapegoat. They might make someone outside that relationship the scapegoat,
(22:16):
or a friend or a family member somehow the scapegoat.
Maybe mom's escapegoat. Maybe you know who knows the best
man that was in the wedding is the scapegoat?
Speaker 2 (22:26):
Who knows what it is? But that is the key.
Speaker 1 (22:29):
It's the scapegoat because it gives them somebody to blame,
to shame, the name, to use over and over again
as an excuse for their problems. So there's some questions
I want you to ask yourself, and these are very powerful,
And these are things that I want you to start
(22:50):
asking if you're in this situation. If you're not in
the situation, and you're in a great relationship, you're not
in a relationship and you're happy, whatever doesn't matter. But
if you have a friend that's not happy, So if
you're in a relationship dealing with this, please ask yourself
these questions. If you have a friend that you're trying
to talk to about this that doesn't seem to listen
to you talk about enabling responsibility, getting help versus chaos.
(23:11):
Share this with them. This will also like help you
because you've probably been talking to them until you're blue
in the face and they don't seem to be changing.
You're watching somebody ten fifteen years into this relationship or
nothing's changed. That person's still going to get therapy, but
they haven't gone. It's been ten years, right, the problems
are still there. You're hearing your friend tell you about
all the issues. Nothing's changed, right, you know, there's so
(23:35):
many Or if you are married to this, or you're
in a relationship with this, or this is a family
member of yours, this is very important, you know, think
about these things. What triggers me with this person? Am
I still being triggered? Because our triggers directly reflect on
things that we need to work on in our own life.
If they're triggering us, what are they triggering us about?
(23:55):
What is triggering? What is emotionally and mentally triggering? And
what are they say to you that really triggers you.
I want you to write these things down to you
because we got to work on those. You know, if
you I mean, that's what I work on with my
clients is we work on those triggers so that there
are no triggers, and so when somebody says something or
does something, there's no reaction. You might respond, but you're
not reacting. You're not out of control, and nobody's getting
(24:18):
you to lose your stuff. You're not yelling and screaming,
and none of that happens. You're just like looking at it,
like you know what's going on because you're tired of this.
You're very well aware of the projection. You're very well
understood about their situation, their circumstances, and their condition, whether
or not they want to admit it or not. And
(24:38):
I guess the next question would be, you know what
needs to be worked out? Do you see this person
actually getting help? How long has this been going on?
That's something else to write down. How often have you
tried to help this person and they don't follow through?
How often have you gotten them a therapist, counselor coach
or you know, a minister, And each time that person
(24:58):
gets close to dealing with the issue, shoes uh, you know,
with actually working on their issues, they are no longer good.
They are no longer qualified. How often has that happened?
How much step back have you taken in your life
because of this relationship that's taking place in your life
that's causing all this turmoil and all this emotional work
(25:20):
and taking all this time and effort. How much have
you separated yourself from other people in your life? How
much have you separated yourself from your friends and family?
How much have you done to separate yourself with your
friends and family? And that's something that I want you
to think about as well, because that is a lot.
That's a big deal. That's a huge deal. I mean,
(25:44):
and that is you know, and and and that's and
that's something that you want.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
To think about. That's a huge deal.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
I mean, like how far you know what you've dealt with,
what's changed in your life? And how many people have
you kind of left behind because you're so busy taking
care of this issue, this trauma, this drama on a
constant basis. How has this impacted your business to your friends,
your family, everybody, coworkers, mom, dad, frest, friends, Think about
(26:12):
that because that has taken a toll for most people.
Most people can't even identify their life after ten years
of being in a relationship like this because things have
changed so much and not a good way, and that
person is still creating chaos, not taking responsibility, and nothing's
changed with them except for everything in your life has changed.
You become the enabler, You become the doormat, You become
(26:34):
that person that does everything, and that person still doesn't
see your value. And last, but not least, a lot
of people are in these relationships because of their fears,
the fear of the unknown, the fear of being alone,
the fear of going this life by themselves. But I've
realized that challenging relationships like this caused so much problems.
(26:57):
Stress and anxiety, blood pressure issues, heart issues, the stress.
Speaker 2 (27:04):
And strain on your body is amazing.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I mean, so I've worked with clients where literally I'm
looking at them for the first day and they look
fifteen years older than somebody their same age because they
have internalized so much stress and anxiety and anger and fear.
And so maybe looking at how much fear is ruling
your life, how much fear is keeping this person in
your life? Where is the fear factor? How much fear
(27:31):
are you feeling? And when you think about letting go
of this relationship. Can you see yourself letting go? And
if you can't, that's something you're going to need to
work on. And I, you know, I advocate the concept of,
you know, trying a couple more times to get them
to see the truth. But if you've tried for years,
(27:52):
trying a few more times isn't going to hurt. But
I think you have to have a cutoff date. When
when is this done? When am I stop trying? And
when do I have to see some sort of action?
And what happens when I don't see that action? What's
my plan of action? What is my plan of action? Now,
if they don't do any action, that's fine, but what
is my plan? What is my action? What am I
going to do with my life? How am I gonna
(28:14):
change my life? How am I gonna move the needle
in my life? What am I gonna do? Nobody's gonna
give you a medal of honor for this. And some
of you were sitting on the sidelines. Some of you
are not in the marriage that's having this, not in
the family, you're a friend, maybe you're a coworker and
you're watching this, and you too have been on the
sidelines of your life trying to help this other person,
(28:37):
help another person, And you too, have wasted so much
of your life trying to help your friend that's in
this relationship with this person that doesn't want help, because
you've spent hours and hours of listening to it on
the phone, you spend hours and hours of talking about
it over coffee when you could have been doing other
things in your life. And that's the thing. This affects everybody.
(28:59):
This type of chaos affects everybody. I mean, if you're
dealing with this chaos in your life, everybody that's close
to you is dealing with this chaos in their life.
The people that really matter to you and the people
you open up to, they're happy to help. But there
comes a time where everybody has to see some action.
Everybody has to see this person come.
Speaker 2 (29:17):
Around and do it.
Speaker 1 (29:18):
And if they're not, you have to put your foot
down and have a boundary and say, what am I
willing to deal with in my life?
Speaker 2 (29:23):
What am I not willing to deal with?
Speaker 1 (29:25):
And can I overcome my fears in my life to
overcome this and change my trajectory of my life. I
work with clients on a daily basis to overcome relationships
that haven't been working for a long time. They haven't
really ever worked, and we have to go through the
fear and the stress and the anxiety to move through it.
Speaker 2 (29:44):
But we do it with ease.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
We cover our bases, we turn over every stone before
we do make any changes. We do everything we can
to make sure we have no regret. We see the
situation clearly, and then we work positively, move on, and
then we recreate a new life based on our values
and our direction and where we want to be, and
we focus our energy back on us for the first
(30:09):
time in our life to be able to successfully live
our life and overcome the damage from the past two, five, ten, twelve, twenty,
twenty five, thirty years.
Speaker 2 (30:21):
It's up to you.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
If you want to work with me, you can definitely
just go online Ashleyburgess dot com. Just click on that
coaching section page coaching Sessions.
Speaker 2 (30:30):
Go in there.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
You can set up an appointment right then, right there online
Ashleyburges dot com Coaching Sessions.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
Done deal. You can also go to that contact page.
You can send me an.
Speaker 1 (30:37):
Email as well, and if you haven't checked out the
YouTube channel, definitely do that. I put out new video
content throughout the week on subject matters that affect us, Narcissism, PPD,
overcoming traumatic situations, dealing with very challenging spouses, coworkers, family members,
how to deal with this, how to process it, how
to move on, how to find success our relationships, because
(31:01):
our relationships are such a key part of our life.
If we have a bunch of really kind of toxic relationships,
we're probably not very happy in our life. And so
I'm wanting everybody to find that happiness, find that connection,
find their direction, and be able to hone in some
of that energy so that they can do what they
need to for themselves. I hope that this podcast has helped.
(31:22):
Please share with any family or friends that need to
hear this. And if you need to hear this, listen
to this a couple of times. Maybe go walk around
the block, maybe go to the gym, maybe just drive
around and listen to this a few times, because this
information needs to be into your brain. It needs to
be ingrained so that you remember it, so that it
really goes in so that we can actually make positive change.
Because you're going to need some coaching as you go
(31:44):
through this and after it to get back to where
you need to be at and actually not back to
be at the highest.
Speaker 2 (31:50):
Level that you should be at.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
Because we've gotten into the situation, it's probably created a
lot of havoc in your life. There's probably emotional turmoil,
a lot of triggers, and when somebody is not taking
responsibility for their actions, remember they're projecting on you, and
that projection leads to insecurity, it leads to fear, it
leads to even more fear of leaving the relationship. So
I hope that this has helped. Please share and in
(32:12):
the meantime, don't forget to live your true life. And
you've been living to the Ashley Burgess show originally named
Live your True Life perspectives, have a great one
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