November 4, 2025 • 21 mins
Have you ever found yourself waiting for something that never materializes, perhaps a trip, a proposal, or a promise that keeps getting pushed back to someday? In today's podcast, I’m explaining what future faking really is and how it traps you in a cycle of false hope and emotional exhaustion. I’ll share how narcissists and emotionally unavailable people use this tactic to keep you hooked and how to see through the illusion, finally. It’s time to take your power back and stop waiting for others to change.
#narcissistic #narcissism #malignantnarcissist #covertnarcissist #manipulation #deception #gaslighting #futurefaking #redflags #codependent #redflags
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#narcissistic #narcissism #malignantnarcissist #covertnarcissist #manipulation #deception #gaslighting #futurefaking #redflags #codependent #redflags
Become a supporter of this podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/podcast/the-ashley-berges-show--1272964/support.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back
live to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
In today's podcast, I want to discuss what future faking is,
and to me, future faking is that pin will of
death that many of us see when we have a
Mac computer and there's something wrong and the program won't open,
and the program won't close. It's frozen, and you're waiting
in time for this thing to open to actually happen
to take place for you. But will it ever happen?
(00:31):
We're waiting on baited breath. And future faking is something
that I find very interesting because I see that in
a lot of relationships. I see it in friendships. I
see it in personal relationships, romantic relationship, business partnerships, family,
dynamic everything. The list goes on, and I define future
faking as a manipulative tactic where a person makes promises
about a shared future to keep someone emotionally invested without
(00:53):
any real interaction, without any real intention, and without really any.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Follow up through with following through on the concept of
what they're talking they're gonna do.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
So we see it'll happen a lot of times we
see it happen often when somebody starts a relationship and
they start talking about taking a vacation together.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
We're gonna take this vacation. We're gonna do this. And
it was interesting.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I had a client recently say, hey, you know, and
in the six years that I dated someone and they
were serious, they were you know, he had asked her
to marry him and what have you. In the six years,
we never went on a trip. Every single year. There
was talk about it. Every single year, there was conversation
about it. But she said, but every time I ended
up going by myself, or I went with sorority friends,
(01:36):
or I went with friends, what have you, or family members.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
And I find that interesting because it's like you're holding
out for this hope.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
You're holding out and I do think that, you know,
future faking and falls hope go hand in hand. And
we see that a lot in different relationship dynamics. And
it's hard to put your finger on it, because you know,
we want it to be so badly, we want it
to happen so badly that we overlook some of the
red flags. I remember years ago, I was wanting to
(02:02):
do a project, and this project was so cool and
so massive and so awesome, and somebody came into my
life that was introduced from a friend of mine and
it seemed like the perfect situation, and they were wanting
to get involved, and I got other people involved, and
you know, based on what this person was saying and claiming,
they were going to do organize an entire group around it.
(02:23):
And it wasn't for months and months after all this
work and legwork and everything else, that well, it didn't
work out.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
And there was really no intention.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
It was all future faking in an effort to keep
them involved in a group that they would not be
involved with otherwise, to keep this like dream going that
they never ever thought could come to fruition, and they
never wanted it to come to fruition. And so, you know,
the vacation to me is one of those short term
future faking, very small, very short term, but you know,
(02:51):
it kind of gets bigger from there, right You get
like maybe the buying of a car for somebody, or
paying off their student loans for somebody, or putting them
through school, or maybe somebody says that they're going to
move to be closer to somebody because there's a long
distance relationship and so there's this constant conversation about moving
or changing states or what have you. And so I
(03:13):
think that's more of maybe a short term midterm. Then
you have like house buyership, like moving into a house
or moving into a different place to live, which is
very interesting and talking about that over and over again.
I find that a lot of people are future vaking
around the marriage concept, like, Oh, we're gonna get married.
It's gonna be so great, we'll get married, you know,
you take care of this, and I'll take care of this,
(03:34):
and let's get a few years past us and then
we'll get married. And you hear a lot of conversation
about that when somebody's been planning on marrying this one
person for all this time and then it doesn't happen.
And I find that interesting because I think that many
of us are holding on to that future faking. We're
holding on to that because there's like this hope around
it no matter what it is. It's like you've kind
(03:55):
of built up this image in your head about what
this is. You've built up this image about how you're
going to embrace this life. And this kind of life
takes on a life of its own. It's not in reality.
It's in kind of the ether, and it's just kind
of taking on a life of its own. And so
there's this entire image based concept that we fall in
(04:17):
love with that doesn't have any real, well anything real
about it. And so it's interesting when I do work
with clients in the very beginning where they're talking about
some of this stuff happening, None of it has come
to pass, none of it.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Has actually come to pass at all. But yet there
is still a part of them that's holding on to.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
This future, faking, holding on to this concept, holding on
to this dream you may say, that hasn't come to fruition,
and they're holding on through some very tough times. They're
holding on through some big struggles with another person, hoping
that they're going to get to do this at some
point in time, hoping that this is going to come
to fruition at some time, but yet it still hasn't
(04:55):
made it through.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
And you know, the marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Concept is interesting because I feel like they're because comes
a time in life and I know that many people say, yeah,
I mean, it's easy to see if that if they
haven't gotten married by this time, I mean, come on,
but when you're in the middle of a situation and
you can't see the forest through the trees because somebody's
telling you this and painting.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
You this picture.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
It's very hard to be able to step back from,
you know, this narrative that's created.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's movie.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Basically, it's basically a movie. I think we're so almost desensitized,
and many of us watch movies all the time. Some
of us actually kind of don't really know where reality
ends and films begin. And I think because of that,
there's a tendency of buying into some of these narratives
that don't have any support. There might be a piece
here or piece there, or we derive this from that
(05:42):
or what have you, but it never really comes to fruition.
I also think children is another concept of that, you know,
holding out for the children or saying we're going to
have children together. Well, and you hear this a lot
like when somebody is married and there is trauma and
drama in the relationship, where the wife is constantly trying
to pull the husband back in by saying, oh, let's
(06:03):
have kids, and oh I want to have kids with you,
and all this kind of stuff, and if the man
is really wanting to have children. He's gonna stay in,
you know, even though there's all these red flags, right,
And I find that future faking is the way that
somebody with a lot of red flags is easy to
float by, easy to get under the radar, easy to
(06:24):
be not seen because you have all these red flags.
It's like communist China. Right, It's like communists China. You know,
at an opening of a new mall, there's a lot
of red flags, right, You're like out there like wow,
I mean it looks like one big red flag to me,
you know, and so it's kind of like, you know,
being able to see that and accept that. But the
problem is there's all these red flags with that person.
(06:45):
Because if there wasn't red flags, they wouldn't have the
future fake. Okay, it's about the whole concept of being
okay in their own skin. Okay, you're not having to
create this false narrative, you're not having to paint a picture.
You're not having to sell a new reality to somebody
get them to deal with your crap, right, or to
get them to keep dealing with your timeline that doesn't
seem to add up, but heck, it's still there.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
And so somebody just keeps holding on.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Okay, And for example, if somebody's dealing with somebody that
has let's just say, a personality disorder or an alcohol
addiction or another type of addiction, what have you. And
every time there's an argument in or fight, the next day, oh,
I want to have kids with you, or I want
to do this with you. And so you're painting this future,
faking concept of something changing, of things getting better. And
I think that we put so much stock into different things.
(07:31):
For example, for many people, having children makes them think of, oh,
you know, going to little league games and doing this
and taking the care of the kids, and you know,
and then your mind plays tricks with you. So if
your wife's an alcoholic but she wants to have kids,
she'll stop drinking, She'll get better, things will get easier.
All those things start tying in, and you start buying
into the narrative, right, you start buying into that narrative
(07:53):
that you're creating. Not only are they feeding you part
of the narrative, you're also feeding yourself part of the narrative,
which is also good in the way of us being
able to see the truth, being able to move on,
being able to see the red flags and a constant
basins in the day to day life. I find that,
you know, that's a big deal. So whether it's the
small things like the vacation or the buying things of
the house, or the cars, or the marriage or the children.
(08:15):
And then you have the other concepts that are very interesting,
is like this concept of this general success, like I'm
going to be this multi millionaire or I'm gonna do this,
or I'm gonna have this job, or this is going
to be my title, or I'm going to be a
CEO or I'm going to be a well known lawyer
or whatever it looks like. And so somebody's sitting there going, oh, wow,
my spouse is going to be this very talented successful person,
(08:36):
and so things are going to come my way and
maybe I didn't grow up with much or what have you,
and so things are going to change. And you start
creating that narrative around the situation too. And I see
this happen a lot with many people in my clientsell
You know, they've gone through this future vacant and it's
taking years and years and years to analyze the situation
to see it for what it truly is. And this
(08:57):
is what's really hard to deal with. And I think
also many of us have been trained growing up in
our family dynamic with mother and dad. No matter how
great mom was, no matter how great Dad was, there
was definitely some future faking. I'm sure there was definitely
some future faking about, you know, anything from vacations to
maybe you know, buying a house or changing.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Schools or whatever. It looks like there was something there.
You know.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Also, I think too we're always trying to jump through
hoops for mom and dad, many of us with codependant backing.
I know, I'm I'm I'm in rehab for codependency. You know,
I'm constantly working on that, and so I'm in recovery,
you might say, But you know, in that process, you're
always trying to make good. You're always trying to make
them happy. And I think a lot of times in
that situation, when you're walking on eggshells or you're trying
(09:44):
to get this, or you're trying to do that, you
have a tendency of following that pattern in relationships. And
also many of you out there, and like myself, at
one point, you take people for face value, you take
them for what they say. You don't look past it,
and so one of the biggest things about under standing
in future faking is having discernment. Discernment is one of
those major concepts. It's not about being woke. We're not
(10:07):
being woke. Woke to me is the literally the sleep
folks here in our society today are all woke. Okay,
I mean, come on. But Discernment is being able to
see through things. Discernment is being able to be aware.
Discernment is able to say, Okay, hey, I might have
this desire or this narrative of what I want things
to look like, but I can actually see through that
(10:27):
narrative and analyze the situation. I can see through that narrative,
and I can see where I'm playing a role on
deceiving myself. I can see through this narrative, and I
can see where they're playing a role deceiving me. And
I think as long as we are open to the
fact of hey, I can see things, I'm not just
considering this picture that's being painted and I'm so far
(10:48):
up in this picture of this film, this movie, whatever,
I've created, this this alternative narrative that I can actually
see straight in my life, and I think it's very
interesting I think we do it to ourselves sometimes too,
like the future faking of when I have this much money,
I'll be happy when I have this house. I'm going
to finally feel comfortable when I have this job or
(11:10):
this title. I'll finally decide to settle down, because then
I can settle down and I'll have this time for
someone else because I have this title or I have
this job or I have this thing. And again that's
future faking to yourself, and many of us do that
as well. We future fake with ourselves. We do this,
and I want you to catch those things. The times
when you say you'll be happy, win, you'll be content, win,
(11:32):
you'll be safe, Win, you can add this into your life.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Win.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
These are all big red flags, personal red flags. And
this is all self sabotaged because oh, it's not like
you're gonna be like, oh wow, I hit that milestone.
Now I can relax. You know, everything that I've seen
pretty much ninety nine point nine percent of the time
is okay. They make this much money. Now, that's not
enough money. I gotta make this much money. Now, that's
not enough money. I gotta make this much money, or
this title is not good enough for this level is
(11:56):
not good enough for the salary's not good enough for
this career is not good enough. So it's all always
constant stepping stone. And it's also self sabotaged because we'resing
ourselves saying, oh, we keep moving, we keep moving, you know,
the goalposts, keep moving the goalposts. And so you may
be future faking yourself. You may be future faking someone else.
You may be in a situation where someone is future
(12:18):
faking you. You could be doing all three right. And
so that's something that I really want us to look at.
So I want you to analyze your situation, analyze your relationships.
Where am I right now with the future faking? Am
I doing it to myself? And I have been known
to do that too, and I've had to really work
on that. Is once I get here, i'll feel better
about that, or once I hit this many subscribers on YouTube,
(12:41):
oh that'll be good, you know what I mean. And
that doesn't ever work because once you hit a certain amount,
now you want to hit more because you're trying to
get the message out there. But at some point in time,
you have to be accepting of the message you're giving.
You have to be happy about what you're putting out there.
You have to feel contentment and peace of mind with
what you're doing, and you have to feel success within yourself.
(13:01):
It doesn't matter what everybody else thinks about you. You
have to actually find that success, that connection, that depth
within yourself to define yourself. And that's what's so interesting.
I want you to also look outside of yourself when
you're in relationships, whether it's a parent dynamic, or a
partner in work or a romantic partner or what have you.
(13:21):
I need you to start analyzing those relationships. Are there
things that I'm holding on too and waiting for? What
are those things? How am I waiting? What am I
waiting for? What do I think I'm gonna get? What
is my narrative that I'm looking at? What is the
current situation now? What is the narrative that I'm buying into.
What is the current situation now? And what is the
(13:42):
narrative that I'm buying into? And I want you to
look at that personally and with other people, because that
will be a tailtale sign. Because I do think that
many of us are holding ourselves back or we're believing
something and we're overlooking lots of red flags in an
effort to get that thing, that scenario, that movie, that
clip that we want our life to look at. And
(14:04):
if you go a step further and look at the
narrative that you've created or the narrative that's been created
for you and the one that you're buying into, why
is that appealing so much to you?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
What is the connection with that appeal? And that's going
to really.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Help you get dig deep into what you feel is
missing from your life. What is the things that you
feel are missing from your life? And why is this
going to fulfill it for you?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Why?
Speaker 1 (14:28):
These are the things I want you to think about. Okay,
if this happens in my life, why do I feel
so fulfilled? If this happens in my life? Why am
I overlooking all this stuff that's going over here just
because if I can get that, that's going to change
my life? And these are the things that I want
us to analyze in our life. And this podcast is
actually going to be short because I don't think you
need a long podcast. You don't need a lot of
conversation about this. This is really a direct thought about
(14:52):
your life. I need you to really dig deep and
find this because all this stuff. If we want certain things,
we got to get it. If we want it, we
got to But we don't want to be waiting on
something that's not going to be happening. We don't want
to wait on that pin wheel of death. We want
to reset that computer. And that's what we're doing right now.
We're resetting the hard drive. We're resetting our computer, we're
turning it back on. We're working through this and we're saying, Okay,
(15:14):
what in my life do I want to keep? What
do I want to change? What am I living by
a false narrative about why am I living for that?
And what can I do within myself to change that?
And that's one of the biggest things that I realized
is that usually when we're buying into future faking, we're
feeling that we don't have personal power of our own.
That's the first problem. We do have personal power. We
(15:37):
are able to take control, We are able to take
control of our life. We are able to do that.
We are in charge of our own destiny. So we
need to understand why am I in fear or why
do I feel like somebody outside of myself can provide
me peace or can provide the lifestyle that I want, Okay,
because that's also going to put us in a bad
situation because we're giving all that power to that out
of the individual. There has to be a two way
(15:58):
street here. We don't want to give a bunch of
power or to somebody else, And especially if they're future
faking you into staying with them, doing nasty, horrible things
to you in the process, being neglectful and mean or
mentally unstable all in the process, and keep telling you
about this narrative like what's gonna happen down the road.
They keep kicking the can down the road, thinking as
(16:18):
long as I can get them looking at that narrative,
that this is still a possibility. You know, they're gonna
overlook this, this, this, and that, you know. And I
had a client reason it was like, yeah, I kept
believing the future faking, and I'm spending all this money
and she, you know, is this or that or this
or that I was paying off for bills or I
was taking care of this, but this was never coming
to fruition. But also when you step back, you realize
(16:39):
that person was never doing any work to get to
that level. They were never doing any of the you know,
the work or the anything that needs to get to
that place. So it's like we're talking about this concept,
but we're not working to get there. And so that's
also a cute to say, Hmm, maybe this is future faking,
and I need you to see it for what it is,
because I have been in a position where I wanted
something so.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Badly that I overlooked all the red flags.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And I also need you to realize too when you're
doing it to yourself, because if we are able to
follow a narrative of somebody else, we have to create
that in our own mind too. It can't just be
that person, because otherwise we'd be ruled by that person.
You know, they'd be like you know, and so that
can't happen. So there has to be some part that
we're playing in it. And I've usually found that if
we're giving our power outside of ourselves, we're in fear
(17:24):
of something, We're in fear of not getting something. We
feel like this person can help us and we can't
help ourselves. We're taking ourselves out of the loop of power,
and we got to really step back in and say,
why am I doing this? Where are my fears coming from?
And how can I balance this and for yourself, like
stop kicking the can down the road for happiness or
being at peace. It's like you either at piece or not.
(17:44):
You're either going to get right with yourself or not.
The amount of money or the value of the house
or whatever is not going to change that. If anything,
the more expenses you have, the less you're going to
be connected to yourself, the less you're going to be
aware of your feelings and thoughts, the less you're going
to connect with yourself because you're so overwhelmed, because you
have so many things to pay for, and things are
getting a little tough, and so we need to look
(18:06):
at things honestly instead of kicking that can down the road,
getting more mindful, getting more discernment in our day to
day life. And so think about it. Where can you
have more discernment in your relationships? What are some things
that you're taking for face value that you need to question.
What are some narratives that you've caught yourself kind of
following down that you might need to change. What are
(18:27):
some things within yourself that you need to let go
because they're not giving you any sort of power or
peace of mind. You're just saying, hey, once I get there,
I'll get this. But there's no evidence to that. You're
just basically kicking the can down the road of your happiness.
And so again, future faking. If we listen to someone
else future faking and we buy into that, that's self sabotage.
(18:48):
If we're future faking and we buy into it, that's
self sabotage, right. And if we're having it on both sides,
that can feel very overwhelming, It can feel very manipulative,
and also can feel a big gas lighting to it,
because it's almost like we're gaslighting ourselves because there's a
part of us that realizes that this probably won't come
to pass, or this isn't going to happen, and then
(19:08):
there's a part that's trying to override that say, no,
I want to live in this illusion for as long
as I can. And the problem with that is that
a lot of times when we live in this illusion,
eventually the reality hits us very very hard, like a
ton of bricks, and we see all the time that
we've wasted in that illusion. And those are the things
that we really need to analyze in our life. If
you haven't already, check out the YouTube channel. Go to
(19:30):
YouTube put in Ashley Burgess Ashley Burgess. You can put
in life Coach Ashley Burgess. Go on and subscribe if
you haven't already. We put out at least two videos
every week. I'm interested to hear your concepts or what
thoughts that you have, or some video concepts that you
would like me to address. We're almost at two hundred
thousand subscribers, so please subscribe and comment on the videos
(19:52):
and let me know as well as go to the
website Ashleyburgess dot com Ashleyberges dot com. You can set
up a coaching set right online, and you can also
contact me. You can go to the contact page and
send me an email. I get back to you within
seventy two hours. You can set up a coaching session.
Just go to the coaching page and you can just
click my name and you can set up a coaching
(20:13):
session right there thirty sixty or ninety minutes. In the meantime,
think about it. Where in your life are you dealing
with future faking? How is the future faking impacting you?
And what can you do to change that to get
your life back on order to see the truth, to
not be taken by a narrative and to put yourself
back in the driver's seat, back in the power position,
(20:35):
eliminating fear, but also taking your power back. You don't
need to give your power to anybody but yourself, and
these future faking relationships are taking your power from you
with something that is never going to be fulfilled, something
that's never going to happen. It's never going to come
down the path. That is something that they've been using
(20:56):
to trick you as long as they can to keep
you because on that's not going to happen, and they're
hoping that you just kind of sweep it under the
rug and allow it to never happen. And the same
goes for yourself if you're doing this to yourself. Remember,
we have to stop this chain of events because that's
not a healthy pattern of living. Being able to see
our value and work on that and being in a
(21:17):
moment and having discernment is where we want to be.
I hope this short podcast has helped you really analyze
the areas of future faking in your life. Check out
the YouTube channel, go to the website. By the way,
don't forget to live your true life. And I hope
you've had a good time on this podcast listening and
the Ashley Burgers podcast will be back next week.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Have a going, take care,
You're in a good place now.
Speaker 2 (00:03):
You are listening to Perspectives with Ashley Burgets. Welcome back
live to the Ashley Burgess Podcast.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
In today's podcast, I want to discuss what future faking is,
and to me, future faking is that pin will of
death that many of us see when we have a
Mac computer and there's something wrong and the program won't open,
and the program won't close. It's frozen, and you're waiting
in time for this thing to open to actually happen
to take place for you. But will it ever happen?
(00:31):
We're waiting on baited breath. And future faking is something
that I find very interesting because I see that in
a lot of relationships. I see it in friendships. I
see it in personal relationships, romantic relationship, business partnerships, family,
dynamic everything. The list goes on, and I define future
faking as a manipulative tactic where a person makes promises
about a shared future to keep someone emotionally invested without
(00:53):
any real interaction, without any real intention, and without really any.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
Follow up through with following through on the concept of
what they're talking they're gonna do.
Speaker 1 (01:04):
So we see it'll happen a lot of times we
see it happen often when somebody starts a relationship and
they start talking about taking a vacation together.
Speaker 2 (01:12):
We're gonna take this vacation. We're gonna do this. And
it was interesting.
Speaker 1 (01:15):
I had a client recently say, hey, you know, and
in the six years that I dated someone and they
were serious, they were you know, he had asked her
to marry him and what have you. In the six years,
we never went on a trip. Every single year. There
was talk about it. Every single year, there was conversation
about it. But she said, but every time I ended
up going by myself, or I went with sorority friends,
(01:36):
or I went with friends, what have you, or family members.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
And I find that interesting because it's like you're holding
out for this hope.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
You're holding out and I do think that, you know,
future faking and falls hope go hand in hand. And
we see that a lot in different relationship dynamics. And
it's hard to put your finger on it, because you know,
we want it to be so badly, we want it
to happen so badly that we overlook some of the
red flags. I remember years ago, I was wanting to
(02:02):
do a project, and this project was so cool and
so massive and so awesome, and somebody came into my
life that was introduced from a friend of mine and
it seemed like the perfect situation, and they were wanting
to get involved, and I got other people involved, and
you know, based on what this person was saying and claiming,
they were going to do organize an entire group around it.
(02:23):
And it wasn't for months and months after all this
work and legwork and everything else, that well, it didn't
work out.
Speaker 2 (02:29):
And there was really no intention.
Speaker 1 (02:31):
It was all future faking in an effort to keep
them involved in a group that they would not be
involved with otherwise, to keep this like dream going that
they never ever thought could come to fruition, and they
never wanted it to come to fruition. And so, you know,
the vacation to me is one of those short term
future faking, very small, very short term, but you know,
(02:51):
it kind of gets bigger from there, right You get
like maybe the buying of a car for somebody, or
paying off their student loans for somebody, or putting them
through school, or maybe somebody says that they're going to
move to be closer to somebody because there's a long
distance relationship and so there's this constant conversation about moving
or changing states or what have you. And so I
(03:13):
think that's more of maybe a short term midterm. Then
you have like house buyership, like moving into a house
or moving into a different place to live, which is
very interesting and talking about that over and over again.
I find that a lot of people are future vaking
around the marriage concept, like, Oh, we're gonna get married.
It's gonna be so great, we'll get married, you know,
you take care of this, and I'll take care of this,
(03:34):
and let's get a few years past us and then
we'll get married. And you hear a lot of conversation
about that when somebody's been planning on marrying this one
person for all this time and then it doesn't happen.
And I find that interesting because I think that many
of us are holding on to that future faking. We're
holding on to that because there's like this hope around
it no matter what it is. It's like you've kind
(03:55):
of built up this image in your head about what
this is. You've built up this image about how you're
going to embrace this life. And this kind of life
takes on a life of its own. It's not in reality.
It's in kind of the ether, and it's just kind
of taking on a life of its own. And so
there's this entire image based concept that we fall in
(04:17):
love with that doesn't have any real, well anything real
about it. And so it's interesting when I do work
with clients in the very beginning where they're talking about
some of this stuff happening, None of it has come
to pass, none of it.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
Has actually come to pass at all. But yet there
is still a part of them that's holding on to.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
This future, faking, holding on to this concept, holding on
to this dream you may say, that hasn't come to fruition,
and they're holding on through some very tough times. They're
holding on through some big struggles with another person, hoping
that they're going to get to do this at some
point in time, hoping that this is going to come
to fruition at some time, but yet it still hasn't
(04:55):
made it through.
Speaker 2 (04:56):
And you know, the marriage.
Speaker 1 (04:57):
Concept is interesting because I feel like they're because comes
a time in life and I know that many people say, yeah,
I mean, it's easy to see if that if they
haven't gotten married by this time, I mean, come on,
but when you're in the middle of a situation and
you can't see the forest through the trees because somebody's
telling you this and painting.
Speaker 2 (05:13):
You this picture.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
It's very hard to be able to step back from,
you know, this narrative that's created.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
It's movie.
Speaker 1 (05:20):
Basically, it's basically a movie. I think we're so almost desensitized,
and many of us watch movies all the time. Some
of us actually kind of don't really know where reality
ends and films begin. And I think because of that,
there's a tendency of buying into some of these narratives
that don't have any support. There might be a piece
here or piece there, or we derive this from that
(05:42):
or what have you, but it never really comes to fruition.
I also think children is another concept of that, you know,
holding out for the children or saying we're going to
have children together. Well, and you hear this a lot
like when somebody is married and there is trauma and
drama in the relationship, where the wife is constantly trying
to pull the husband back in by saying, oh, let's
(06:03):
have kids, and oh I want to have kids with you,
and all this kind of stuff, and if the man
is really wanting to have children. He's gonna stay in,
you know, even though there's all these red flags, right,
And I find that future faking is the way that
somebody with a lot of red flags is easy to
float by, easy to get under the radar, easy to
(06:24):
be not seen because you have all these red flags.
It's like communist China. Right, It's like communists China. You know,
at an opening of a new mall, there's a lot
of red flags, right, You're like out there like wow,
I mean it looks like one big red flag to me,
you know, and so it's kind of like, you know,
being able to see that and accept that. But the
problem is there's all these red flags with that person.
(06:45):
Because if there wasn't red flags, they wouldn't have the
future fake. Okay, it's about the whole concept of being
okay in their own skin. Okay, you're not having to
create this false narrative, you're not having to paint a picture.
You're not having to sell a new reality to somebody
get them to deal with your crap, right, or to
get them to keep dealing with your timeline that doesn't
seem to add up, but heck, it's still there.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
And so somebody just keeps holding on.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
Okay, And for example, if somebody's dealing with somebody that
has let's just say, a personality disorder or an alcohol
addiction or another type of addiction, what have you. And
every time there's an argument in or fight, the next day, oh,
I want to have kids with you, or I want
to do this with you. And so you're painting this future,
faking concept of something changing, of things getting better. And
I think that we put so much stock into different things.
(07:31):
For example, for many people, having children makes them think of, oh,
you know, going to little league games and doing this
and taking the care of the kids, and you know,
and then your mind plays tricks with you. So if
your wife's an alcoholic but she wants to have kids,
she'll stop drinking, She'll get better, things will get easier.
All those things start tying in, and you start buying
into the narrative, right, you start buying into that narrative
(07:53):
that you're creating. Not only are they feeding you part
of the narrative, you're also feeding yourself part of the narrative,
which is also good in the way of us being
able to see the truth, being able to move on,
being able to see the red flags and a constant
basins in the day to day life. I find that,
you know, that's a big deal. So whether it's the
small things like the vacation or the buying things of
the house, or the cars, or the marriage or the children.
(08:15):
And then you have the other concepts that are very interesting,
is like this concept of this general success, like I'm
going to be this multi millionaire or I'm gonna do this,
or I'm gonna have this job, or this is going
to be my title, or I'm going to be a
CEO or I'm going to be a well known lawyer
or whatever it looks like. And so somebody's sitting there going, oh, wow,
my spouse is going to be this very talented successful person,
(08:36):
and so things are going to come my way and
maybe I didn't grow up with much or what have you,
and so things are going to change. And you start
creating that narrative around the situation too. And I see
this happen a lot with many people in my clientsell
You know, they've gone through this future vacant and it's
taking years and years and years to analyze the situation
to see it for what it truly is. And this
(08:57):
is what's really hard to deal with. And I think
also many of us have been trained growing up in
our family dynamic with mother and dad. No matter how
great mom was, no matter how great Dad was, there
was definitely some future faking. I'm sure there was definitely
some future faking about, you know, anything from vacations to
maybe you know, buying a house or changing.
Speaker 2 (09:17):
Schools or whatever. It looks like there was something there.
You know.
Speaker 1 (09:21):
Also, I think too we're always trying to jump through
hoops for mom and dad, many of us with codependant backing.
I know, I'm I'm I'm in rehab for codependency. You know,
I'm constantly working on that, and so I'm in recovery,
you might say, But you know, in that process, you're
always trying to make good. You're always trying to make
them happy. And I think a lot of times in
that situation, when you're walking on eggshells or you're trying
(09:44):
to get this, or you're trying to do that, you
have a tendency of following that pattern in relationships. And
also many of you out there, and like myself, at
one point, you take people for face value, you take
them for what they say. You don't look past it,
and so one of the biggest things about under standing
in future faking is having discernment. Discernment is one of
those major concepts. It's not about being woke. We're not
(10:07):
being woke. Woke to me is the literally the sleep
folks here in our society today are all woke. Okay,
I mean, come on. But Discernment is being able to
see through things. Discernment is being able to be aware.
Discernment is able to say, Okay, hey, I might have
this desire or this narrative of what I want things
to look like, but I can actually see through that
(10:27):
narrative and analyze the situation. I can see through that narrative,
and I can see where I'm playing a role on
deceiving myself. I can see through this narrative, and I
can see where they're playing a role deceiving me. And
I think as long as we are open to the
fact of hey, I can see things, I'm not just
considering this picture that's being painted and I'm so far
(10:48):
up in this picture of this film, this movie, whatever,
I've created, this this alternative narrative that I can actually
see straight in my life, and I think it's very
interesting I think we do it to ourselves sometimes too,
like the future faking of when I have this much money,
I'll be happy when I have this house. I'm going
to finally feel comfortable when I have this job or
(11:10):
this title. I'll finally decide to settle down, because then
I can settle down and I'll have this time for
someone else because I have this title or I have
this job or I have this thing. And again that's
future faking to yourself, and many of us do that
as well. We future fake with ourselves. We do this,
and I want you to catch those things. The times
when you say you'll be happy, win, you'll be content, win,
(11:32):
you'll be safe, Win, you can add this into your life.
Speaker 2 (11:35):
Win.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
These are all big red flags, personal red flags. And
this is all self sabotaged because oh, it's not like
you're gonna be like, oh wow, I hit that milestone.
Now I can relax. You know, everything that I've seen
pretty much ninety nine point nine percent of the time
is okay. They make this much money. Now, that's not
enough money. I gotta make this much money. Now, that's
not enough money. I gotta make this much money, or
this title is not good enough for this level is
(11:56):
not good enough for the salary's not good enough for
this career is not good enough. So it's all always
constant stepping stone. And it's also self sabotaged because we'resing
ourselves saying, oh, we keep moving, we keep moving, you know,
the goalposts, keep moving the goalposts. And so you may
be future faking yourself. You may be future faking someone else.
You may be in a situation where someone is future
(12:18):
faking you. You could be doing all three right. And
so that's something that I really want us to look at.
So I want you to analyze your situation, analyze your relationships.
Where am I right now with the future faking? Am
I doing it to myself? And I have been known
to do that too, and I've had to really work
on that. Is once I get here, i'll feel better
about that, or once I hit this many subscribers on YouTube,
(12:41):
oh that'll be good, you know what I mean. And
that doesn't ever work because once you hit a certain amount,
now you want to hit more because you're trying to
get the message out there. But at some point in time,
you have to be accepting of the message you're giving.
You have to be happy about what you're putting out there.
You have to feel contentment and peace of mind with
what you're doing, and you have to feel success within yourself.
(13:01):
It doesn't matter what everybody else thinks about you. You
have to actually find that success, that connection, that depth
within yourself to define yourself. And that's what's so interesting.
I want you to also look outside of yourself when
you're in relationships, whether it's a parent dynamic, or a
partner in work or a romantic partner or what have you.
(13:21):
I need you to start analyzing those relationships. Are there
things that I'm holding on too and waiting for? What
are those things? How am I waiting? What am I
waiting for? What do I think I'm gonna get? What
is my narrative that I'm looking at? What is the
current situation now? What is the narrative that I'm buying into.
What is the current situation now? And what is the
(13:42):
narrative that I'm buying into? And I want you to
look at that personally and with other people, because that
will be a tailtale sign. Because I do think that
many of us are holding ourselves back or we're believing
something and we're overlooking lots of red flags in an
effort to get that thing, that scenario, that movie, that
clip that we want our life to look at. And
(14:04):
if you go a step further and look at the
narrative that you've created or the narrative that's been created
for you and the one that you're buying into, why
is that appealing so much to you?
Speaker 2 (14:14):
What is the connection with that appeal? And that's going
to really.
Speaker 1 (14:17):
Help you get dig deep into what you feel is
missing from your life. What is the things that you
feel are missing from your life? And why is this
going to fulfill it for you?
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Why?
Speaker 1 (14:28):
These are the things I want you to think about. Okay,
if this happens in my life, why do I feel
so fulfilled? If this happens in my life? Why am
I overlooking all this stuff that's going over here just
because if I can get that, that's going to change
my life? And these are the things that I want
us to analyze in our life. And this podcast is
actually going to be short because I don't think you
need a long podcast. You don't need a lot of
conversation about this. This is really a direct thought about
(14:52):
your life. I need you to really dig deep and
find this because all this stuff. If we want certain things,
we got to get it. If we want it, we
got to But we don't want to be waiting on
something that's not going to be happening. We don't want
to wait on that pin wheel of death. We want
to reset that computer. And that's what we're doing right now.
We're resetting the hard drive. We're resetting our computer, we're
turning it back on. We're working through this and we're saying, Okay,
(15:14):
what in my life do I want to keep? What
do I want to change? What am I living by
a false narrative about why am I living for that?
And what can I do within myself to change that?
And that's one of the biggest things that I realized
is that usually when we're buying into future faking, we're
feeling that we don't have personal power of our own.
That's the first problem. We do have personal power. We
(15:37):
are able to take control, We are able to take
control of our life. We are able to do that.
We are in charge of our own destiny. So we
need to understand why am I in fear or why
do I feel like somebody outside of myself can provide
me peace or can provide the lifestyle that I want, Okay,
because that's also going to put us in a bad
situation because we're giving all that power to that out
of the individual. There has to be a two way
(15:58):
street here. We don't want to give a bunch of
power or to somebody else, And especially if they're future
faking you into staying with them, doing nasty, horrible things
to you in the process, being neglectful and mean or
mentally unstable all in the process, and keep telling you
about this narrative like what's gonna happen down the road.
They keep kicking the can down the road, thinking as
(16:18):
long as I can get them looking at that narrative,
that this is still a possibility. You know, they're gonna
overlook this, this, this, and that, you know. And I
had a client reason it was like, yeah, I kept
believing the future faking, and I'm spending all this money
and she, you know, is this or that or this
or that I was paying off for bills or I
was taking care of this, but this was never coming
to fruition. But also when you step back, you realize
(16:39):
that person was never doing any work to get to
that level. They were never doing any of the you know,
the work or the anything that needs to get to
that place. So it's like we're talking about this concept,
but we're not working to get there. And so that's
also a cute to say, Hmm, maybe this is future faking,
and I need you to see it for what it is,
because I have been in a position where I wanted
something so.
Speaker 2 (16:58):
Badly that I overlooked all the red flags.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
And I also need you to realize too when you're
doing it to yourself, because if we are able to
follow a narrative of somebody else, we have to create
that in our own mind too. It can't just be
that person, because otherwise we'd be ruled by that person.
You know, they'd be like you know, and so that
can't happen. So there has to be some part that
we're playing in it. And I've usually found that if
we're giving our power outside of ourselves, we're in fear
(17:24):
of something, We're in fear of not getting something. We
feel like this person can help us and we can't
help ourselves. We're taking ourselves out of the loop of power,
and we got to really step back in and say,
why am I doing this? Where are my fears coming from?
And how can I balance this and for yourself, like
stop kicking the can down the road for happiness or
being at peace. It's like you either at piece or not.
(17:44):
You're either going to get right with yourself or not.
The amount of money or the value of the house
or whatever is not going to change that. If anything,
the more expenses you have, the less you're going to
be connected to yourself, the less you're going to be
aware of your feelings and thoughts, the less you're going
to connect with yourself because you're so overwhelmed, because you
have so many things to pay for, and things are
getting a little tough, and so we need to look
(18:06):
at things honestly instead of kicking that can down the road,
getting more mindful, getting more discernment in our day to
day life. And so think about it. Where can you
have more discernment in your relationships? What are some things
that you're taking for face value that you need to question.
What are some narratives that you've caught yourself kind of
following down that you might need to change. What are
(18:27):
some things within yourself that you need to let go
because they're not giving you any sort of power or
peace of mind. You're just saying, hey, once I get there,
I'll get this. But there's no evidence to that. You're
just basically kicking the can down the road of your happiness.
And so again, future faking. If we listen to someone
else future faking and we buy into that, that's self sabotage.
(18:48):
If we're future faking and we buy into it, that's
self sabotage, right. And if we're having it on both sides,
that can feel very overwhelming, It can feel very manipulative,
and also can feel a big gas lighting to it,
because it's almost like we're gaslighting ourselves because there's a
part of us that realizes that this probably won't come
to pass, or this isn't going to happen, and then
(19:08):
there's a part that's trying to override that say, no,
I want to live in this illusion for as long
as I can. And the problem with that is that
a lot of times when we live in this illusion,
eventually the reality hits us very very hard, like a
ton of bricks, and we see all the time that
we've wasted in that illusion. And those are the things
that we really need to analyze in our life. If
you haven't already, check out the YouTube channel. Go to
(19:30):
YouTube put in Ashley Burgess Ashley Burgess. You can put
in life Coach Ashley Burgess. Go on and subscribe if
you haven't already. We put out at least two videos
every week. I'm interested to hear your concepts or what
thoughts that you have, or some video concepts that you
would like me to address. We're almost at two hundred
thousand subscribers, so please subscribe and comment on the videos
(19:52):
and let me know as well as go to the
website Ashleyburgess dot com Ashleyberges dot com. You can set
up a coaching set right online, and you can also
contact me. You can go to the contact page and
send me an email. I get back to you within
seventy two hours. You can set up a coaching session.
Just go to the coaching page and you can just
click my name and you can set up a coaching
(20:13):
session right there thirty sixty or ninety minutes. In the meantime,
think about it. Where in your life are you dealing
with future faking? How is the future faking impacting you?
And what can you do to change that to get
your life back on order to see the truth, to
not be taken by a narrative and to put yourself
back in the driver's seat, back in the power position,
(20:35):
eliminating fear, but also taking your power back. You don't
need to give your power to anybody but yourself, and
these future faking relationships are taking your power from you
with something that is never going to be fulfilled, something
that's never going to happen. It's never going to come
down the path. That is something that they've been using
(20:56):
to trick you as long as they can to keep
you because on that's not going to happen, and they're
hoping that you just kind of sweep it under the
rug and allow it to never happen. And the same
goes for yourself if you're doing this to yourself. Remember,
we have to stop this chain of events because that's
not a healthy pattern of living. Being able to see
our value and work on that and being in a
(21:17):
moment and having discernment is where we want to be.
I hope this short podcast has helped you really analyze
the areas of future faking in your life. Check out
the YouTube channel, go to the website. By the way,
don't forget to live your true life. And I hope
you've had a good time on this podcast listening and
the Ashley Burgers podcast will be back next week.
Speaker 2 (21:38):
Have a going, take care,
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