February 21, 2019 • 41 mins
’Tis the season of Spring, and that means time to talk about the one thing that’s interesting year round: Christmas.
Credits:Ron Burgundy: Host, Writer, Executive ProducerCarolina Barlow: Co-Host, Writer, and Producer.Producers: Whitney Hodack, Jack O’Brien, Miles Gray, and Nick StumpfExecutive Producer: Mike FarahConsulting Producer: Andrew SteeleAssociate Producer: Anna HossniehWriter: Jake FogelnestProduction Supervisor: Colin MacDougallThis episode was Engineered, Mixed and Edited by: Nick StumpfMusic Clearance by Suzanne Coffman
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, sexy lady, what do you know It's time to
do the podcast and get down with the show. My
name is Ron Burgundy, and what I know? I know
it's time to do a podcast and get it done
podcast Ron Burgundy Podcast. Hello everyone, my name is Ron
(00:21):
Burgundy and you are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
If you are listening to this and have downloaded it
by mistake, please turn it off now, turn it off.
Turn it off. We don't want any new listeners or
random drive bys. If you will just dedicated and devoted
(00:43):
listeners to the RB podcast. If you have purposely downloaded
this and it is your first time listening, then welcome.
Welcome to the wonderfully inclusive family of the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
We have a wonderful show for you today. We're going
to talk about a topic which is truly evergreen. That
(01:06):
topic Christmas. It doesn't matter what time of year it is.
I'm always down to discuss Christmas. Every year, the Christmas
shopping season begins earlier and earlier, and it's still not
early enough for me. I think holiday shopping should begin
right after the fourth of July. Watch some fireworks, eat
(01:28):
some corn on the cob, and then hit cage Jeweler's done. Carolina.
Did I ever tell you about the time I ran
into pop superstar Jewel at a cave jewelers? Oh no,
that's amazing. Yes, it was so fun. You know what.
I actually saw Katie Perry as Fred Perry. Oh. Interesting,
(01:49):
And she was just in line. She waited in line
with us, and then she checked out right, and she said,
you know, maybe she don't. I mean, I'm thinking she
talked a little bit with the cash here and sure,
she just you know, you get it, you get a
vibe from people. She just seemed like a really good person.
And did she buy anything? Does she make a purchase? Um? Yeah,
(02:10):
she made a I mean it almost doesn't matter. I
can't remember the details of the story, but I remember
being like, oh, I'm I want to be friends with that. Yeah,
have you ever seen that was the thing when when
I saw Jewel and I was like, that's jewel. Yeah,
that's I can't believe it's jewel. And I pulled people
(02:31):
aside and I'm like, do you know who that is?
And they were like, yeah, that's jewel. And anyway, I
wish pictures did you get of her? I must have
gotten fiftys and video just clicking away and video. And
but then I was still too shy to say hello.
That's better, that's probably. That's a nice way of like
respecting her privacy. She bought a bracelet, a bracelet with
(02:53):
a charmed bracelet. That's a story. That's the dogs and stars.
And that's crazy because we both like dogs too, Oh Jewel, Yeah,
like you like dogs. Jewel like dogs. I like dogs.
It's so fun when those things line up that way. Yeah,
that's a coincidence for sure. I remember you told me
(03:14):
you saw another famous person, Ron Ron Howard claimed direct
for those of you listening that he's an acclaimed director,
a real artist, and a child actor and an adult
actor Richie Cunningham and Opie Cunningham. Yeah, he was just
leaving a hotel with his family and he just seemed
like a family guy, you know, and he put on
(03:36):
a hat. Oh was it was he out of Howard
Johnson's or was it just a regular hotel? It was Rearward,
So it wasn't Ron Howard at a Howard Johnson No, unfortunately,
it was just a regular hotel in Los Angeles. But
that is unfortunately, so it's not a rule. You know, No,
it's not a rule. Celebrities go everywhere, go to the
(03:58):
bathroom just like us do. They do. And there's a
study that just I was just handed this study out
of Johns Hopkins that celebrities go to the bathroom more
often than civilians. You're kidding. And I don't know who
volunteered for that study, but they somehow we're able to
track it. And that's what's interesting about celebrities. Yeah, whether
(04:22):
there's so much more interesting than normal people, because by far,
they'd blow normal people out of the water. When I
saw Ron Howard, I actually forgot that. I had a
mom that you know what, that's a that's that's a
common response when I saw it. When I saw Jewel,
I forgot I had legs. I just fell into the ground.
(04:42):
I collapsed. I was like, I can't, I've lost my
ability to walk. And I was like, no, which, I
can walk, it takes a second, but I couldn't. Yeah,
I was in a I was wheelchair bound for about
a month after my Jewels siding. By the way, Caroline,
let me ask you this why we're on the holidays,
What is your favorite holiday commercial? I want you to
(05:03):
think on that if you will um for me, it's
the Budweiser Clydesdale's. I mean, every time I see that commercial,
I know it's the holidays. Here. They come down a
snowy lane with bells around their necks, just doing their
thing that they love to do, and that's pull a
sleigh full of beer. They don't even know that they're
(05:26):
in a commercial, and yet they are giving cheer to
a world desperate for peace and hope. And I swear
to you, and I'm not being facetious here, but if
we could get every world leader in a room to
sit side by side, lock arms and watch the Budweiser
Clydesdale holiday commercial game over world peace one, war, strive,
(05:52):
poverty conflict zero. Yeah, that's how strongly I feel about
that commercial. It's artfully, tastefully done, and it just it
makes you feel, it makes you feel warm inside. And
and yet it does not make me want to buy
(06:12):
bud Wiser. No, but in this political climate, what a
powerful message, you know it. We need things like this,
you know, no, no kidding? Yeah, So, do you have
a favorite holiday commercial that runs during the Christmas season?
You know, I like the holiday car commercials um where
(06:34):
the cars have bows on them. Oh yes, when the
family says, come out, I have something. There's a surprise,
and then it's a it's the gift. The surprise is
a gift, and the gift is a car with a
bow on it. Yeah no, if those are beautiful. Um,
I don't really like cars or being in cars. Um
my parents never got me a car. But I just
think it's cute, like like a puppy with a like
(06:56):
a puppy coming out of a present box, you know, yes, yeah,
like a fat puppy coming out coming out of a box.
It's a present, right, and it's on Christmas morning, and
the kids are excited. I mean, that's on an ad.
(07:17):
That's just something that's fun to think. I knew we
had some We had some neighbors, the Jacobson family, and
they the parents did that and they put the puppy
in the box for the children and they ran down
on and it was the one thing they really wanted
was a puppy. Um. And they ran down and they
opened all the presents, like there's one more, and they
(07:39):
opened it and it was the puppy and he was
just blissfully asleep and they were so excited and then
they wanted to wake him up, of course, and he
wouldn't wake up because he was dead. They put the
puppy in the box too long for a month, and
they just wrapped it up and kept it under the tree. Well,
(08:00):
that's a good message for our listeners. You know, if
you're gonna do you're gonna do it. You know, you
gotta remember it is a live animal. You've got to
feed it and keep it alive until Christmas morning, or
at least. If you're going to leave the puppy in
the box that long, you should poke holes exactly, poke holes,
give it a treat occasionally. Um, you know, basic things
(08:20):
like that. While we're on the subject of commercials, have
you seen the Medieval Times commercials? I love the Medieval
Times commercials. I don't care if it's the holidays or not. No,
those are just good ads. They're great ads. They're not
even they're just they're like miniature movies. I feel like
a lot of Game Game of Thrones episodes were based
on the Medieval Times commercials. Yes, with the swashbuckling and
(08:44):
the fighting. No, they're so beautifully shot. The turkey legs huzza.
W D forty has a really good holiday commercial because
right around the holidays, w D forty always puts out
its holiday version of a can of w D forty,
and it's it's not the blue and gold that we've
(09:07):
come to know and love. It's more of a collector's edition.
I love the one to where the where the little
kid has left cookies for Santa by the fireplace and
falls asleep hoping to catch a glimpse of St. Nick
and then he and he wakes up just in time,
and Santa gives him a sly wink before he disappears
(09:28):
up the chimney. I love that commercial. I love it.
I don't know what the products for, but every kid
fantasizes about seeing Santa, every team, everyone. In fact, one
of my favorite Christmas memories was when I was gosh,
(09:49):
I must have been seven years old. It was Christmas
Eve and my mother and I were putting some last
second decorations on the tree. And we had this this beauty,
full fake Christmas tree that we would assemble every season.
It Uh it looked like a fresh Douglas fur from
about twenty ft away, but up close you could you
could tell it was a metal tree. Uh. In fact,
(10:12):
you had to put on oven myths to decorate it,
or the tree would cut you two shreds. We really
had to earn it every Christmas in the Burgundy household.
But it was worth it. It was worth it to
decorate that, that beautiful thing. And when when we plugged
in the last string of lights and Mom turned on
the switch, it would take your breath away. And I'm
(10:34):
not just saying that, it would just light up and
and once again though, another reason for the oven myths.
You couldn't hold onto the tree and plug the lights
in and at the same time, or you would get electrocuted.
And I don't mean a light shock electrocuted. I mean
raccoon crawled into the transformer box to keep warm, electrocuted,
(10:58):
that kind of electrocuted, char marks, electrocuted, Yeah, turn your
hair white, electrocuted. I'm talking electrocuted, yeah, zapped. So as
I was saying we were done decorating the tree, when
I heard a commotion in the back patio and I
looked up to see Santa himself with a bag full
(11:22):
of goodies. It turns out it was our neighbor, doctor
James tarn Cross, a dermatologist who dressed up every year
to deliver a fruitcake. Long story short. He was neither
a doctor, nor a dermatologist or a neighbor, but that's
for another show. Anyway. I I screamed, Santa is early,
(11:43):
and I sprinted to give him a hug. And I
got a full head of steam, running as fast as
my little legs could take me. Santa was here at
my house. I just couldn't believe it. So I'm in
a full sprint right there. Only one problem. We had
forgotten to put our holiday safety stickers on the sliding
(12:04):
glass patio door, and I went flying into that door.
Bamnham breakneck to me, do you ever done that? Even
run to the patio door like that? I smacked into
that patio door and I opened up a five inch
cut on my forehead. It's so there. I was on
Christmas Eve, sitting in my blood caked footy pajamas, receiving
(12:30):
stitches from dermatologists and neighbor Dr James tarn Cross once again,
not a doctor or a dermatologist or a neighbor, just
a creep with a lot of cologne, trying to get
into my mom's pants through her kid by dressing as Santa.
The end, ah do you have a favorite Christmas memory?
(12:56):
You know, I had a lot of normal Christmas. Yeah,
but that that was before my parents got divorced. But
my most memorable one is probably when my mom took
me and my sister to Tijuana. Oh I love t
j Yeah, that was after my parents got divorced. Um,
but south of the border. Yeah. We actually took a
(13:17):
photo on a donkey that was spray painted to look
like a zebra. And did you think it was a zebra? Yeah? No,
it was a really it was a really magic That's
a great childhood memory. Yeah. I didn't really understand divorce,
so I didn't understand they weren't going to be together
ever again. Um, and it's just something that I've been
(13:38):
really still processed or I don't really talk about it. Yeah,
it's a divorce. Yeah, a lot of kids go through it.
It happens a lot. Yeah. No, I think that doesn't
minimize the pain of it. But that must have been
a good Christmas, right Yeah. Yeah, No, definitely, I mean
it still was Christmas. You still got presents. Just because
your folks got divorced doesn't mean all of a sudden
the presence go away. No, No, definitely just just trying
(14:00):
to say it's totally hard, and sometimes the presents double right,
that's true Christmas and Dad's Christmas and jack pot that
Hey Mom, hey dad, can you get a divorce? I
want to double up my goods. I definitely didn't ask
for that, but so that's a fun memory. Sure, let's
(14:21):
just stick with that. By the way, if you're just
tuning into the Ron Burgundy podcast, Um, you can tune
into a podcast in the middle of it, can't, you know?
Not really, you have to fast forward. Okay, Well, if
you hit the fast forward button and you happen to
speed to this part, you are listening to the Ron
Burgundy podcast. We are talking about Christmas. That's our subject
(14:43):
for today. What what's your favorite Christmas movie? Oh? What
a good question. Um, probably it's a Wonderful Life with
Jim Jimmy James Cagney. Oh no, it's a Jimmy Stewart Stewart.
Is it Stewart or Stewart? I just one s age
(15:07):
Jimmy Stewart classic. Yeah, no, it was really nice. My
parents showed it to me right before they told me
that they were going to get a divorce. Um, and
that my mom was taking us to Tiajuana for Christmas. Um,
and it was just like a good reminder that you know,
they're still good out there. Um and um. Yeah. I
guess it's something that my favorite Christmas movie is die Hard.
(15:28):
Oh that's not a Christmas movie, I know, but it
takes place on Christmas. Okay. That's why on Christmas Day,
whenever I opened a present that I really like, it is, yeah,
yippy kai a mother wore each present. Well, if it's
the present I really like, it's like, oh oh thank you,
(15:49):
so oh oh my goodness, a Rolex watch yippy ka mother. Wow.
Even when I walked through a busy mall or shopping
areat Christmas, I just scream yippy kai a mother far
Merry Christmas. And I think it gets people in the
(16:09):
Christmas mood. I don't know it would scare me. I
walked into a j crue and just yelled yippy kai
a mother farer. Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't know. If
I'm going to do that. You should try it. I'm
telling you. It reminds people. People go, you know kind
of your similar response like oh that's from die Hard,
(16:31):
Yeah Christmas movie. You No, not really wish, but I go,
but it took place on Christmas. They usually give it
to me because of who I am. Wait, didn't you
record a Christmas album? Yes, I did, Thank you for asking.
I actually recorded four Christmas albums, all in the same year,
my most famous single being of course, Christmas Time. It's
(16:55):
a wonderful time. It's Christmas time. It's the you time,
Christmas time. It's time for some cheer, spending some time
for far a new Christmas time. It's my favorite time.
It's the only time because it's Christmas time. Quick check
the clock on the wall, soon say it will go.
(17:17):
It's Christmas time. Time to time, tod e time time,
tody time, time to time, aty time, special time, time
to time, any time to time. You get the We
didn't realize until it was playing on the radio that
we had made a hundred and ninety references to time
in a two and a half minute song. Yeah, I know,
(17:39):
but I still think it's one of those songs that
is such a holiday classic that you don't really think
about how many time references there are. You're sweet to
say that, but trust me, that's that's that's not what
the old internet thinks. Didn't you have to stop reading
the comments? Yeah, I know. I always that's my New
Year's resolution every year. Don't the comments because you start
(18:01):
around nine pm and then it's over and I'm obsessed.
Try to find the good ones. Yeah, and sometimes you
got a dig, you know, And I'm like, the good
ones will come with the rising sun, and they never do.
Didn't you have another Christmas classic called Crying Shame? Oh?
(18:23):
You mean it's a crying shame there are no presents tonight.
It's a crying shame that Christmas won't happen this year.
No one cares, No one hears, no one sees your
(18:49):
tears as they drop to the ground on Christmas More
Infant Jesus. That song I wrote because most, if not
(19:12):
all Christmas songs are upbeat, and I I just thought
there'd be a chance for a sad Christmas song in
the marketplace, and that was proven wrong. But you take
your lumps and you move on. Sure, I mean, I
think people appreciate someone who tries something different, and I
think that song is just ahead of its time. Maybe
(19:34):
maybe I appreciate that. Probably not. Yeah, I don't think
anyone is clamoring for a rerelease of crying shame. Um,
not to be confused with the with the movie Crying Game,
which is another excellent Christmas movie. Have you seen that movie? Yeah,
crying You know what happens in that movie? Right? Um?
(19:58):
You know what? Actually the lady has a ween. Yeah.
I remember I was in the theater and that moment
was revealed and the audience was oh, and I just
was laughing so hard. I burst out laughing. Yeah, that
usually gets you. The Irish lady who we thought was
(20:20):
a lady the whole time at a Wiener, I know,
talk about a Christmas surprise shoes, but that's another good
Christmas movie, Crying Game. I wouldn't No one can talk
about the ladies Wiener on the Crying Game. I don't
(20:43):
recognize that from a Christmas It was a personal friend
of mine. Then he said I could sing that song,
so Nick relaxed. We don't have to worry about shelling
out some dough for that one. We're good. Yeah. Favorite
Christmas gift. Oh what a good question. But hold on,
let's take a break and we're back. We are discussing
(21:11):
Christmas and just one of my favorite topics always brings
a smile to my face. And uh, let's just let's
just free associate right now. And let's just go back
and forth and name some of our favorite Christmas gifts. Okay, dollhouse,
(21:31):
oh Ice, hockey stick, Malbo, Barbie, easy bake oven, World
War two German lugar, pistol from my uncle Jetty, pantyhose
gift certificate to black Angus micronots, assigned Hustler magazine from
former actor Jimmy Con. Oh you that was a Christmas present? Recived?
You gave that to me? That's right, that was a
(21:53):
good one. The look on your face when you unwrapped that.
Did you really get Jimmy CON's signature on that? It
was signed by Jimmy Con, wasn't it? Sure? Okay, yeah, no,
I forged it, Carolina, You're too good. I'm pretty good
(22:14):
at forging celebrity autographs in. But I couldn't quite get
Jimmy CON's down. Yeah. You know how many hustlers I ruined?
I just didn't. I mean, later I realized ron just
practice on a piece of scratch paper. You don't have
to buy a stack of hustlers to work on Jimmy
CON's signature. It just seems like a weird actor, and
(22:35):
I never heard you talk about him. That's why, you know,
That's why my garage I'm always like, don't go near
that corner. Those are all fake signed copies of hustler
Jimmy con fake signed Wow. But anyway, I'm still glad
you enjoyed the gift. Did you ever look through the pages? Um? No,
I did not. I don't look at stuff like that.
(22:58):
One of my favorite gifts was a metal detector. Have
you ever seen oftentimes you'll see people on the beach
with the with the metal sectors looking for trinkets and
stuff like that. Well, when when I was a kid,
I received a metal detector and I absolutely loved it.
I would get home from school and I'd rush to
(23:20):
the beach down in San Diego and hunt for buried treasure.
I never worked a summer job because I would. I
would collect anywhere from nine to twelve thousand dollars and change.
I know, really that's a lot of change. And they
hated me at the bank because I refused to rule
the change and I would just bring it in big,
(23:41):
big grocery bags doubled. I'd have a double up the
grocery banks because they're so heavy, and I would make
the teller counted out in front of me, and I
had already pre counted it, so I knew exactly how
much there was. Well, have you already pre counted it?
Why wouldn't you just go ahead and put the change
in money? Wouldn't that have been easy? I know you
would think that I would do that, but I just
(24:04):
didn't want the bank teller to get off easy. For
some reason, I can't explain it. I just really wanted
her to do her job well. Anyway, one day, I'm
scouring the beach and my metal detector is going berserk.
It just won't stop beeping right. So I'm wondering what
what is going on here? And I I walk almost
(24:26):
I walk the length I would say it's three feet
the whole time. The beeping just keeps going and going
and going and going and going. But it's consistent as
if it's one chunk of metal. Well, I start to dig,
and I dig, and I dig and I dig next thing,
and I look up and there are fifty beach goers
(24:47):
helping me dig. We dig well into the night, and finally,
at seven am the following morning, we reach pay dirt.
Teenager Ron Burgundy and his prize metal detector had discovered
it World War two Japanese submarine missing an action for
over seventy years. Yes, it was truly incredible and it
(25:12):
was people just erupted and cheers. A Japanese sub It
had been missing for over seventy years in action, and
all of a sudden we start hearing this ping ping, ping, ping,
ping ping pink and we opened up the hatch and
everyone was still alive. No, No, they were just skeletons
(25:38):
in there. Jesus. Yeah, but it was. It was very incredible. Um.
The Japanese government at that time invited me to the
Tokyo Cherry Blossom Festival for honoring their war dead. Very moving. Ah,
so I got to go to Tokyo. Uh, at least
(26:00):
I think I was in Tokyo. I hope that was Tokyo,
but regardless it was. It was a very moving and
a wonderful Christmas. Wow. Yeah, that story is incredible, missing
for over seventy years, and it was it was under
their feet the whole time. Yeah. I can't believe it
(26:22):
just buried under the sand. Under the sand. Yeah, So
I guess the moral to that story is, um get
yourself a metal detector and you might could be your
key to adventure. M hmm, yeah, right, should we take
another break? Yeah, sure, let's take a break. Are you okay? Yeah? No,
(26:45):
I'm just interested. Are you mad at me? No? No? Alright,
it's good. Come up next. We have a wonderful guest
who's going to be joining us here in the podcast
studio right after this. Alright, you're back on the Ron
(27:05):
Burgundy podcast, Caroline, if you will tell us about our
our guests that we have joining us here in studio,
a gentleman by the name of Andrew. He has a
very interesting story. So for our Christmas episode, Ron asked
me to find someone who celebrated Christmas. That was the
only directive. So it was the last minute decision. I
(27:29):
was in line in Starbucks. I asked, has anyone here,
out of curiosity, celebrated the holiday Christmas? Um? Andrew was
a gentleman in front of me. Um. He agreed to
a discussed the holiday and his experience with it in
exchange for a fee. Um, and we're paying him. We
(27:53):
can discuss that later as long as it doesn't come
out of my bi paycheck. I know, I know. We've
bab has got to make his bones. I always say
that what does Papa have to make? I wish you
wouldn't make me finish that. Bob has got to make
his what his bones? I would like to move on.
(28:20):
Welcome to the studio, Andrew. Understand from Carolina's introduction you
are an expert on Christmas? What do you? I mean,
what don't you know about Christmas? Well, to clarify, I
don't know if I'm an expert on Christmas, but I
do celebrate it. Okay, great, we also have you? Have
you always celebrated Christmas? I mean yeah, I think that
(28:43):
was a little boy. I mean I grew up in
a household at celebrated and why because you just you
loved it so much? Well, I mean it's the holiday
that I think you know a lot of Christy. Maybe
a lot of people celebrate I don't know. I just
I think it's how did you become expert on Christmas? Again,
(29:03):
I probably know as much about Christmas as you're average American.
I would assume, huh, I think you're being coy. You
can tell us more. I think you're holding an ace
and three jacks, but they're dressed in Christmas colors and
one has a little Santa Beard. Okay, so how do
(29:25):
you celebrate someone who's a Christmas expert like yourself. I'm
just curious, how would you celebrate differently than say, a
layman like myself, the average Christmas uh participant. I mean, honestly,
I think most of us celebrate Christmas in a similar way,
at least my friends and I would. You know, like
(29:45):
when I was a boy, you wouldn't wake up in
the morning and you would go downstairs and there would
be presents under the tree on Christmas Day. Yeah, it
would be on Christmas Day, and some people open on
Christmas Eve. What do you think of that? Now? I
know that that's a little controversial. I think that's a
different kind of cheating. Mm hmm. I don't you know.
I mean, I just I just know from my experience.
(30:07):
We would wake up in the morning and we would
go and I know I would beg my. My parents
would be like, can please can we open one president
on Christmas Eve? And they'd be like, what about your stocking?
Maybe go check your stocking? Well that and sure enough
I checked my stocking. Guess what was in there? An
orange and some playing cards. Give me a fucking break Okay, geez, anyway,
(30:33):
I digress. So, being a Christmas expert, you choose to
open them on Christmas Day. Yeah, that's that was a
typical of our family. Would and what would you do
after that? Well, you know, I mean when we were young,
we would play with the toys for a while and
then there would you know, maybe be like some breakfast
(30:55):
or something that we would eat and and but you know,
you prepare for later, maybe a meal or something in
family gets together and maybe you have a relatives there
or something to eat. And would you would you leave
would you leave a treat for Santa the night before? Maybe?
Oh yeah, yeah, when you when you're young, you you know,
you leave cookies and milk and a little note for
(31:15):
for Santa and hopes that he gets it. And you know,
of course, I mean I'm a father now and oh
so you have children, I do, so we celebrate that
Christmas basically the same way that I celebrated it. We
would leave Santa a chuck roast interesting, yeah, with potatoes
(31:35):
and all the trimmings. And whether they're in the morning,
they would always he would always take a you know,
I think he's got he's got so much ground, he's
got a cover. He doesn't want to get way down. Um,
so he would just take a delicate little bite and
so we eat the rest of that chuck roast for
that week, and we make it last until All Queens Day,
(31:59):
which I believe this January. M Yeah, we'll have to
look into that. You just did cookies and milk. What's
you're feeling on holiday fruitcakes? Um? They weren't big in
our household, but we would have their little dents. Don't
you think it's a heavier kids, Yes, yeah, a heavier cake. Yeah.
(32:22):
Do you do you watch die Hard on Christmas? Die
Hard is not really a Christmas movie? Well? Yeah, I
was discussed sort of. That's more of an action thriller.
You can watch anything. I think it takes place on Christmas,
And I right you. You know what, the more I
talked to you just sound like an ordinary guy who
(32:42):
celebrates Christmas and you're not a Christmas at all. I
think that's what I told you. Your friend here, Carolina,
is that what he told you? He was just asked
why did you bring him in then? Because you just
asked me to kid someone to celebrate Christmas? So I
had like thirty minutes before the podcast, plenty of time,
and I got someone who celebrated Christmas. But I thought
(33:04):
that he would know more, you'd have more insight. It's
like a regular guy. I don't even know. This guy's
a dud. I can hear that. Andrew. It is a
pleasure to have you here in the studio. UM. A
lot of people do interesting things. I've noticed. For instance,
some families it's a tradition to go see a movie
(33:25):
on Christmas, right, Or some people are especially here in
the California area, are really into fitness. And do you
go to the gym on Christmas Day? Because I think
about it, it's one of the few places that still
open on Christmas, the gym. Probably for a good reason.
(33:48):
Uh No, I I think that would be weird. Because
we used to We used to hit the heavy bag
after we'd open our presence. We go down to the basement,
hit the heavy bag, and I'd get on one of
those nineteen fifties jiggle machine, you know the belt that
goes around your waist and goest go got go, got
got got got got got gog, or you could set
it to a higher speed. One time, one time I
(34:13):
fainted and I had it at the high speed and
gerger and then it got around my neck and almost
afisiated me. Those machines aren't very effective, if I understand correctly,
in helping you the nineteen fifties jiggle machine. Uh, Carolina,
why don't you ask the US Olympic Committee if they
are effective? Because they are currently in use as part
(34:36):
of their training for the track and field team. So
tell that to USA Olympics. Andrew one another question. Do
do you like egg nog or do you find it
too thick? I like, yeah, I do too. I think
it's Yeah, it's very delicious. I don't wish they would
(34:56):
fill at the other times of the year. I've always
said that. I've always said, anyone who starts selling eggnog
year round, that's a million dollar business. Ron actually usually
asks for eggnog, and someone says, can I get you coffee?
I'll take an eggnog. I would love an eggnog. Hot
(35:17):
summer day. Big picture of eggnog. I mean it's a
little fattening. Yeah, I mean it's a treat. HM put
a little something extra in it, Do you know what
I mean? I mean, I don't That's not how I like,
but I get it a little more bourbon. Hold the eggnog, right,
not not for me, but some people, but for some people.
(35:37):
And not for me either, but for some people. In
quotes air quotes, Well, huh, this is I'm just gonna
say this is probably more me than you. But this
has been a terrible interview. Okay, do you mind if
we send you home? We're not sending you home, We're
just gonna let you go out. We're just gonna do
(36:00):
we still have to pay you. Who do I talk
to about seventy five? I didn't know what to say.
He wouldn't go for twenty Carolina. We can get it
from the talent booker. We can also get it from
your pocketbook, okay, because I don't. I don't want to
go to the talent booker again and ask for more money.
(36:20):
I already she already gave me five for the for
the weekend. I need some walking around cash. That's not okay.
We are on a tight budget. I know where it will,
trust me. These podcasts are supposed to get me through
the end of the year, and I haven't seen a
check yet. Okay, I just I wish you wouldn't put
(36:41):
her in that position, Andrew were happy to pay you.
Carolina will pay you out of her her own money. Well,
thank you. Can you take do you need all seventy
five dollars up front? Yeah? I mean that's what you're promised.
That's it, you know what, It's the least we can do. Um,
(37:02):
thank you so much. Andrew supposed expert on Christmas, turns
out he was just a guy who celebrates Christmas. Um.
Big let down for the podcast audience and for myself. Um.
But you know what, Ultimately, as I've said from the beginning,
we're going to make mistakes. It falls on me. I
can take it. We'll learn from this and we'll improve
(37:23):
upon it. Thank you and you for your time. Thank
you for coming in. Thank you. We'll be right back
with some of my final thoughts. Oh okay, yes we're back, Carolina.
(37:44):
Let's do our fact checks. Tell me how we did. Oh,
we did pretty good. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
It's not in that genre. Um, well, it's classified as
an action thriller. Debatable. Okay, I can take a hit
on that one. Fine, Okay. Uh. January is not Queen's Day,
(38:04):
all Queen's Day. Sorry, January is not all Queen's Day now, Okay,
so what did I miss it by one? Um? This
is a longer conversation about the holiday. Um, Jimmy Stewart, Yes,
the actor, Jimmy Stewart. It's Jimmy. Um, it's not sc h,
(38:25):
it's s T S T. So no, sure, Yeah, it's
just gonna take a second because I've got Jimmy Stewart
locked in. Yeah, so it's just Jimmy Stewart. Yeah. Maybe
say it to yourself three times a day. Um, and
then let me write that down. Say Jimmy Stewart three
(38:45):
times a day. Say Jimmy Stewart three times a day. Okay, Um.
And then the submarine story. So we're talking about my
favorite memories. I'm gonna say the mid nineties, seventies, in
early sixties. Um, so in that submarine was seventy years old.
(39:07):
It's just a numbers thing, you know what. The numbers
aren't adding up, are you? Are you claiming that I've
made up the story? You know what? No, we want it.
Everyone in this community wants that story to be true.
And so it's just a numbers problem. We've just got
to sit and crunch because I'm trying at a few
different angles. Crunch all you want, and you'll find a
(39:27):
hundred times that story is true. Okay, you can crunch
till the numbers are so crunched up their dust. But
that story. I stand by that story. Okay, it's just
it's a a factual thing. Thank you, Carolina. Once again,
I think it, whether I like it or not, I
think it's important to fact check the show. Yeah. No,
(39:50):
it's like illegal thing at this point. Here's my final thoughts.
I think what we learned today is that Christmas doesn't
just take place on December. As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is every day of the year. Let's make a
commitment as the human race to treat each other with
(40:13):
kindness and dignity befitting of the holiday season. Let the
Christmas spirit start at the bottom of your feet, reach
the top of your head, but land in your fart.
I mean, heart, God, I did it again. Why do
I always do that when I'm trying to sound meaningful? Ah,
(40:36):
you get the gist. This is Ron Burgundy. See you
next Thursday on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. The Ron Burgundy
Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio podcast Network
and Funnier Die I'm Ron Burgundy. I'm the host, writer
and executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer
(40:58):
and producer. The show was also produced by Whitney Hodeck,
Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, and Nick Stump. Our executive producer
is Mike farre Our consulting producer is Andrew Steel. Our
associate producer is Anna Hosnier. Our writer is Jake Vogeless.
Our production supervisor is Colin McDougall. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(41:19):
and edited by Nick Stump. Until next time, this was
Ron Burgundy.
Hey, sexy lady, what do you know It's time to
do the podcast and get down with the show. My
name is Ron Burgundy, and what I know? I know
it's time to do a podcast and get it done
podcast Ron Burgundy Podcast. Hello everyone, my name is Ron
(00:21):
Burgundy and you are listening to the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
If you are listening to this and have downloaded it
by mistake, please turn it off now, turn it off.
Turn it off. We don't want any new listeners or
random drive bys. If you will just dedicated and devoted
(00:43):
listeners to the RB podcast. If you have purposely downloaded
this and it is your first time listening, then welcome.
Welcome to the wonderfully inclusive family of the Ron Burgundy Podcast.
We have a wonderful show for you today. We're going
to talk about a topic which is truly evergreen. That
(01:06):
topic Christmas. It doesn't matter what time of year it is.
I'm always down to discuss Christmas. Every year, the Christmas
shopping season begins earlier and earlier, and it's still not
early enough for me. I think holiday shopping should begin
right after the fourth of July. Watch some fireworks, eat
(01:28):
some corn on the cob, and then hit cage Jeweler's done. Carolina.
Did I ever tell you about the time I ran
into pop superstar Jewel at a cave jewelers? Oh no,
that's amazing. Yes, it was so fun. You know what.
I actually saw Katie Perry as Fred Perry. Oh. Interesting,
(01:49):
And she was just in line. She waited in line
with us, and then she checked out right, and she said,
you know, maybe she don't. I mean, I'm thinking she
talked a little bit with the cash here and sure,
she just you know, you get it, you get a
vibe from people. She just seemed like a really good person.
And did she buy anything? Does she make a purchase? Um? Yeah,
(02:10):
she made a I mean it almost doesn't matter. I
can't remember the details of the story, but I remember
being like, oh, I'm I want to be friends with that. Yeah,
have you ever seen that was the thing when when
I saw Jewel and I was like, that's jewel. Yeah,
that's I can't believe it's jewel. And I pulled people
(02:31):
aside and I'm like, do you know who that is?
And they were like, yeah, that's jewel. And anyway, I
wish pictures did you get of her? I must have
gotten fiftys and video just clicking away and video. And
but then I was still too shy to say hello.
That's better, that's probably. That's a nice way of like
respecting her privacy. She bought a bracelet, a bracelet with
(02:53):
a charmed bracelet. That's a story. That's the dogs and stars.
And that's crazy because we both like dogs too, Oh Jewel, Yeah,
like you like dogs. Jewel like dogs. I like dogs.
It's so fun when those things line up that way. Yeah,
that's a coincidence for sure. I remember you told me
(03:14):
you saw another famous person, Ron Ron Howard claimed direct
for those of you listening that he's an acclaimed director,
a real artist, and a child actor and an adult
actor Richie Cunningham and Opie Cunningham. Yeah, he was just
leaving a hotel with his family and he just seemed
like a family guy, you know, and he put on
(03:36):
a hat. Oh was it was he out of Howard
Johnson's or was it just a regular hotel? It was Rearward,
So it wasn't Ron Howard at a Howard Johnson No, unfortunately,
it was just a regular hotel in Los Angeles. But
that is unfortunately, so it's not a rule. You know, No,
it's not a rule. Celebrities go everywhere, go to the
(03:58):
bathroom just like us do. They do. And there's a
study that just I was just handed this study out
of Johns Hopkins that celebrities go to the bathroom more
often than civilians. You're kidding. And I don't know who
volunteered for that study, but they somehow we're able to
track it. And that's what's interesting about celebrities. Yeah, whether
(04:22):
there's so much more interesting than normal people, because by far,
they'd blow normal people out of the water. When I
saw Ron Howard, I actually forgot that. I had a
mom that you know what, that's a that's that's a
common response when I saw it. When I saw Jewel,
I forgot I had legs. I just fell into the ground.
(04:42):
I collapsed. I was like, I can't, I've lost my
ability to walk. And I was like, no, which, I
can walk, it takes a second, but I couldn't. Yeah,
I was in a I was wheelchair bound for about
a month after my Jewels siding. By the way, Caroline,
let me ask you this why we're on the holidays,
What is your favorite holiday commercial? I want you to
(05:03):
think on that if you will um for me, it's
the Budweiser Clydesdale's. I mean, every time I see that commercial,
I know it's the holidays. Here. They come down a
snowy lane with bells around their necks, just doing their
thing that they love to do, and that's pull a
sleigh full of beer. They don't even know that they're
(05:26):
in a commercial, and yet they are giving cheer to
a world desperate for peace and hope. And I swear
to you, and I'm not being facetious here, but if
we could get every world leader in a room to
sit side by side, lock arms and watch the Budweiser
Clydesdale holiday commercial game over world peace one, war, strive,
(05:52):
poverty conflict zero. Yeah, that's how strongly I feel about
that commercial. It's artfully, tastefully done, and it just it
makes you feel, it makes you feel warm inside. And
and yet it does not make me want to buy
(06:12):
bud Wiser. No, but in this political climate, what a
powerful message, you know it. We need things like this,
you know, no, no kidding? Yeah, So, do you have
a favorite holiday commercial that runs during the Christmas season?
You know, I like the holiday car commercials um where
(06:34):
the cars have bows on them. Oh yes, when the
family says, come out, I have something. There's a surprise,
and then it's a it's the gift. The surprise is
a gift, and the gift is a car with a
bow on it. Yeah no, if those are beautiful. Um,
I don't really like cars or being in cars. Um
my parents never got me a car. But I just
think it's cute, like like a puppy with a like
(06:56):
a puppy coming out of a present box, you know, yes, yeah,
like a fat puppy coming out coming out of a box.
It's a present, right, and it's on Christmas morning, and
the kids are excited. I mean, that's on an ad.
(07:17):
That's just something that's fun to think. I knew we
had some We had some neighbors, the Jacobson family, and
they the parents did that and they put the puppy
in the box for the children and they ran down
on and it was the one thing they really wanted
was a puppy. Um. And they ran down and they
opened all the presents, like there's one more, and they
(07:39):
opened it and it was the puppy and he was
just blissfully asleep and they were so excited and then
they wanted to wake him up, of course, and he
wouldn't wake up because he was dead. They put the
puppy in the box too long for a month, and
they just wrapped it up and kept it under the tree. Well,
(08:00):
that's a good message for our listeners. You know, if
you're gonna do you're gonna do it. You know, you
gotta remember it is a live animal. You've got to
feed it and keep it alive until Christmas morning, or
at least. If you're going to leave the puppy in
the box that long, you should poke holes exactly, poke holes,
give it a treat occasionally. Um, you know, basic things
(08:20):
like that. While we're on the subject of commercials, have
you seen the Medieval Times commercials? I love the Medieval
Times commercials. I don't care if it's the holidays or not. No,
those are just good ads. They're great ads. They're not
even they're just they're like miniature movies. I feel like
a lot of Game Game of Thrones episodes were based
on the Medieval Times commercials. Yes, with the swashbuckling and
(08:44):
the fighting. No, they're so beautifully shot. The turkey legs huzza.
W D forty has a really good holiday commercial because
right around the holidays, w D forty always puts out
its holiday version of a can of w D forty,
and it's it's not the blue and gold that we've
(09:07):
come to know and love. It's more of a collector's edition.
I love the one to where the where the little
kid has left cookies for Santa by the fireplace and
falls asleep hoping to catch a glimpse of St. Nick
and then he and he wakes up just in time,
and Santa gives him a sly wink before he disappears
(09:28):
up the chimney. I love that commercial. I love it.
I don't know what the products for, but every kid
fantasizes about seeing Santa, every team, everyone. In fact, one
of my favorite Christmas memories was when I was gosh,
(09:49):
I must have been seven years old. It was Christmas
Eve and my mother and I were putting some last
second decorations on the tree. And we had this this beauty,
full fake Christmas tree that we would assemble every season.
It Uh it looked like a fresh Douglas fur from
about twenty ft away, but up close you could you
could tell it was a metal tree. Uh. In fact,
(10:12):
you had to put on oven myths to decorate it,
or the tree would cut you two shreds. We really
had to earn it every Christmas in the Burgundy household.
But it was worth it. It was worth it to
decorate that, that beautiful thing. And when when we plugged
in the last string of lights and Mom turned on
the switch, it would take your breath away. And I'm
(10:34):
not just saying that, it would just light up and
and once again though, another reason for the oven myths.
You couldn't hold onto the tree and plug the lights
in and at the same time, or you would get electrocuted.
And I don't mean a light shock electrocuted. I mean
raccoon crawled into the transformer box to keep warm, electrocuted,
(10:58):
that kind of electrocuted, char marks, electrocuted, Yeah, turn your
hair white, electrocuted. I'm talking electrocuted, yeah, zapped. So as
I was saying we were done decorating the tree, when
I heard a commotion in the back patio and I
looked up to see Santa himself with a bag full
(11:22):
of goodies. It turns out it was our neighbor, doctor
James tarn Cross, a dermatologist who dressed up every year
to deliver a fruitcake. Long story short. He was neither
a doctor, nor a dermatologist or a neighbor, but that's
for another show. Anyway. I I screamed, Santa is early,
(11:43):
and I sprinted to give him a hug. And I
got a full head of steam, running as fast as
my little legs could take me. Santa was here at
my house. I just couldn't believe it. So I'm in
a full sprint right there. Only one problem. We had
forgotten to put our holiday safety stickers on the sliding
(12:04):
glass patio door, and I went flying into that door.
Bamnham breakneck to me, do you ever done that? Even
run to the patio door like that? I smacked into
that patio door and I opened up a five inch
cut on my forehead. It's so there. I was on
Christmas Eve, sitting in my blood caked footy pajamas, receiving
(12:30):
stitches from dermatologists and neighbor Dr James tarn Cross once again,
not a doctor or a dermatologist or a neighbor, just
a creep with a lot of cologne, trying to get
into my mom's pants through her kid by dressing as Santa.
The end, ah do you have a favorite Christmas memory?
(12:56):
You know, I had a lot of normal Christmas. Yeah,
but that that was before my parents got divorced. But
my most memorable one is probably when my mom took
me and my sister to Tijuana. Oh I love t
j Yeah, that was after my parents got divorced. Um,
but south of the border. Yeah. We actually took a
(13:17):
photo on a donkey that was spray painted to look
like a zebra. And did you think it was a zebra? Yeah? No,
it was a really it was a really magic That's
a great childhood memory. Yeah. I didn't really understand divorce,
so I didn't understand they weren't going to be together
ever again. Um, and it's just something that I've been
(13:38):
really still processed or I don't really talk about it. Yeah,
it's a divorce. Yeah, a lot of kids go through it.
It happens a lot. Yeah. No, I think that doesn't
minimize the pain of it. But that must have been
a good Christmas, right Yeah. Yeah, No, definitely, I mean
it still was Christmas. You still got presents. Just because
your folks got divorced doesn't mean all of a sudden
the presence go away. No, No, definitely just just trying
(14:00):
to say it's totally hard, and sometimes the presents double right,
that's true Christmas and Dad's Christmas and jack pot that
Hey Mom, hey dad, can you get a divorce? I
want to double up my goods. I definitely didn't ask
for that, but so that's a fun memory. Sure, let's
(14:21):
just stick with that. By the way, if you're just
tuning into the Ron Burgundy podcast, Um, you can tune
into a podcast in the middle of it, can't, you know?
Not really, you have to fast forward. Okay, Well, if
you hit the fast forward button and you happen to
speed to this part, you are listening to the Ron
Burgundy podcast. We are talking about Christmas. That's our subject
(14:43):
for today. What what's your favorite Christmas movie? Oh? What
a good question. Um, probably it's a Wonderful Life with
Jim Jimmy James Cagney. Oh no, it's a Jimmy Stewart Stewart.
Is it Stewart or Stewart? I just one s age
(15:07):
Jimmy Stewart classic. Yeah, no, it was really nice. My
parents showed it to me right before they told me
that they were going to get a divorce. Um, and
that my mom was taking us to Tiajuana for Christmas. Um,
and it was just like a good reminder that you know,
they're still good out there. Um and um. Yeah. I
guess it's something that my favorite Christmas movie is die Hard.
(15:28):
Oh that's not a Christmas movie, I know, but it
takes place on Christmas. Okay. That's why on Christmas Day,
whenever I opened a present that I really like, it is, yeah,
yippy kai a mother wore each present. Well, if it's
the present I really like, it's like, oh oh thank you,
(15:49):
so oh oh my goodness, a Rolex watch yippy ka mother. Wow.
Even when I walked through a busy mall or shopping
areat Christmas, I just scream yippy kai a mother far
Merry Christmas. And I think it gets people in the
(16:09):
Christmas mood. I don't know it would scare me. I
walked into a j crue and just yelled yippy kai
a mother farer. Yeah, I wouldn't. I don't know. If
I'm going to do that. You should try it. I'm
telling you. It reminds people. People go, you know kind
of your similar response like oh that's from die Hard,
(16:31):
Yeah Christmas movie. You No, not really wish, but I go,
but it took place on Christmas. They usually give it
to me because of who I am. Wait, didn't you
record a Christmas album? Yes, I did, Thank you for asking.
I actually recorded four Christmas albums, all in the same year,
my most famous single being of course, Christmas Time. It's
(16:55):
a wonderful time. It's Christmas time. It's the you time,
Christmas time. It's time for some cheer, spending some time
for far a new Christmas time. It's my favorite time.
It's the only time because it's Christmas time. Quick check
the clock on the wall, soon say it will go.
(17:17):
It's Christmas time. Time to time, tod e time time,
tody time, time to time, aty time, special time, time
to time, any time to time. You get the We
didn't realize until it was playing on the radio that
we had made a hundred and ninety references to time
in a two and a half minute song. Yeah, I know,
(17:39):
but I still think it's one of those songs that
is such a holiday classic that you don't really think
about how many time references there are. You're sweet to
say that, but trust me, that's that's that's not what
the old internet thinks. Didn't you have to stop reading
the comments? Yeah, I know. I always that's my New
Year's resolution every year. Don't the comments because you start
(18:01):
around nine pm and then it's over and I'm obsessed.
Try to find the good ones. Yeah, and sometimes you
got a dig, you know, And I'm like, the good
ones will come with the rising sun, and they never do.
Didn't you have another Christmas classic called Crying Shame? Oh?
(18:23):
You mean it's a crying shame there are no presents tonight.
It's a crying shame that Christmas won't happen this year.
No one cares, No one hears, no one sees your
(18:49):
tears as they drop to the ground on Christmas More
Infant Jesus. That song I wrote because most, if not
(19:12):
all Christmas songs are upbeat, and I I just thought
there'd be a chance for a sad Christmas song in
the marketplace, and that was proven wrong. But you take
your lumps and you move on. Sure, I mean, I
think people appreciate someone who tries something different, and I
think that song is just ahead of its time. Maybe
(19:34):
maybe I appreciate that. Probably not. Yeah, I don't think
anyone is clamoring for a rerelease of crying shame. Um,
not to be confused with the with the movie Crying Game,
which is another excellent Christmas movie. Have you seen that movie? Yeah,
crying You know what happens in that movie? Right? Um?
(19:58):
You know what? Actually the lady has a ween. Yeah.
I remember I was in the theater and that moment
was revealed and the audience was oh, and I just
was laughing so hard. I burst out laughing. Yeah, that
usually gets you. The Irish lady who we thought was
(20:20):
a lady the whole time at a Wiener, I know,
talk about a Christmas surprise shoes, but that's another good
Christmas movie, Crying Game. I wouldn't No one can talk
about the ladies Wiener on the Crying Game. I don't
(20:43):
recognize that from a Christmas It was a personal friend
of mine. Then he said I could sing that song,
so Nick relaxed. We don't have to worry about shelling
out some dough for that one. We're good. Yeah. Favorite
Christmas gift. Oh what a good question. But hold on,
let's take a break and we're back. We are discussing
(21:11):
Christmas and just one of my favorite topics always brings
a smile to my face. And uh, let's just let's
just free associate right now. And let's just go back
and forth and name some of our favorite Christmas gifts. Okay, dollhouse,
(21:31):
oh Ice, hockey stick, Malbo, Barbie, easy bake oven, World
War two German lugar, pistol from my uncle Jetty, pantyhose
gift certificate to black Angus micronots, assigned Hustler magazine from
former actor Jimmy Con. Oh you that was a Christmas present? Recived?
You gave that to me? That's right, that was a
(21:53):
good one. The look on your face when you unwrapped that.
Did you really get Jimmy CON's signature on that? It
was signed by Jimmy Con, wasn't it? Sure? Okay, yeah, no,
I forged it, Carolina, You're too good. I'm pretty good
(22:14):
at forging celebrity autographs in. But I couldn't quite get
Jimmy CON's down. Yeah. You know how many hustlers I ruined?
I just didn't. I mean, later I realized ron just
practice on a piece of scratch paper. You don't have
to buy a stack of hustlers to work on Jimmy
CON's signature. It just seems like a weird actor, and
(22:35):
I never heard you talk about him. That's why, you know,
That's why my garage I'm always like, don't go near
that corner. Those are all fake signed copies of hustler
Jimmy con fake signed Wow. But anyway, I'm still glad
you enjoyed the gift. Did you ever look through the pages? Um? No,
I did not. I don't look at stuff like that.
(22:58):
One of my favorite gifts was a metal detector. Have
you ever seen oftentimes you'll see people on the beach
with the with the metal sectors looking for trinkets and
stuff like that. Well, when when I was a kid,
I received a metal detector and I absolutely loved it.
I would get home from school and I'd rush to
(23:20):
the beach down in San Diego and hunt for buried treasure.
I never worked a summer job because I would. I
would collect anywhere from nine to twelve thousand dollars and change.
I know, really that's a lot of change. And they
hated me at the bank because I refused to rule
the change and I would just bring it in big,
(23:41):
big grocery bags doubled. I'd have a double up the
grocery banks because they're so heavy, and I would make
the teller counted out in front of me, and I
had already pre counted it, so I knew exactly how
much there was. Well, have you already pre counted it?
Why wouldn't you just go ahead and put the change
in money? Wouldn't that have been easy? I know you
would think that I would do that, but I just
(24:04):
didn't want the bank teller to get off easy. For
some reason, I can't explain it. I just really wanted
her to do her job well. Anyway, one day, I'm
scouring the beach and my metal detector is going berserk.
It just won't stop beeping right. So I'm wondering what
what is going on here? And I I walk almost
(24:26):
I walk the length I would say it's three feet
the whole time. The beeping just keeps going and going
and going and going and going. But it's consistent as
if it's one chunk of metal. Well, I start to dig,
and I dig, and I dig and I dig next thing,
and I look up and there are fifty beach goers
(24:47):
helping me dig. We dig well into the night, and finally,
at seven am the following morning, we reach pay dirt.
Teenager Ron Burgundy and his prize metal detector had discovered
it World War two Japanese submarine missing an action for
over seventy years. Yes, it was truly incredible and it
(25:12):
was people just erupted and cheers. A Japanese sub It
had been missing for over seventy years in action, and
all of a sudden we start hearing this ping ping, ping, ping,
ping ping pink and we opened up the hatch and
everyone was still alive. No, No, they were just skeletons
(25:38):
in there. Jesus. Yeah, but it was. It was very incredible. Um.
The Japanese government at that time invited me to the
Tokyo Cherry Blossom Festival for honoring their war dead. Very moving. Ah,
so I got to go to Tokyo. Uh, at least
(26:00):
I think I was in Tokyo. I hope that was Tokyo,
but regardless it was. It was a very moving and
a wonderful Christmas. Wow. Yeah, that story is incredible, missing
for over seventy years, and it was it was under
their feet the whole time. Yeah. I can't believe it
(26:22):
just buried under the sand. Under the sand. Yeah, So
I guess the moral to that story is, um get
yourself a metal detector and you might could be your
key to adventure. M hmm, yeah, right, should we take
another break? Yeah, sure, let's take a break. Are you okay? Yeah? No,
(26:45):
I'm just interested. Are you mad at me? No? No? Alright,
it's good. Come up next. We have a wonderful guest
who's going to be joining us here in the podcast
studio right after this. Alright, you're back on the Ron
(27:05):
Burgundy podcast, Caroline, if you will tell us about our
our guests that we have joining us here in studio,
a gentleman by the name of Andrew. He has a
very interesting story. So for our Christmas episode, Ron asked
me to find someone who celebrated Christmas. That was the
only directive. So it was the last minute decision. I
(27:29):
was in line in Starbucks. I asked, has anyone here,
out of curiosity, celebrated the holiday Christmas? Um? Andrew was
a gentleman in front of me. Um. He agreed to
a discussed the holiday and his experience with it in
exchange for a fee. Um, and we're paying him. We
(27:53):
can discuss that later as long as it doesn't come
out of my bi paycheck. I know, I know. We've
bab has got to make his bones. I always say
that what does Papa have to make? I wish you
wouldn't make me finish that. Bob has got to make
his what his bones? I would like to move on.
(28:20):
Welcome to the studio, Andrew. Understand from Carolina's introduction you
are an expert on Christmas? What do you? I mean,
what don't you know about Christmas? Well, to clarify, I
don't know if I'm an expert on Christmas, but I
do celebrate it. Okay, great, we also have you? Have
you always celebrated Christmas? I mean yeah, I think that
(28:43):
was a little boy. I mean I grew up in
a household at celebrated and why because you just you
loved it so much? Well, I mean it's the holiday
that I think you know a lot of Christy. Maybe
a lot of people celebrate I don't know. I just
I think it's how did you become expert on Christmas? Again,
(29:03):
I probably know as much about Christmas as you're average American.
I would assume, huh, I think you're being coy. You
can tell us more. I think you're holding an ace
and three jacks, but they're dressed in Christmas colors and
one has a little Santa Beard. Okay, so how do
(29:25):
you celebrate someone who's a Christmas expert like yourself. I'm
just curious, how would you celebrate differently than say, a
layman like myself, the average Christmas uh participant. I mean, honestly,
I think most of us celebrate Christmas in a similar way,
at least my friends and I would. You know, like
(29:45):
when I was a boy, you wouldn't wake up in
the morning and you would go downstairs and there would
be presents under the tree on Christmas Day. Yeah, it
would be on Christmas Day, and some people open on
Christmas Eve. What do you think of that? Now? I
know that that's a little controversial. I think that's a
different kind of cheating. Mm hmm. I don't you know.
I mean, I just I just know from my experience.
(30:07):
We would wake up in the morning and we would
go and I know I would beg my. My parents
would be like, can please can we open one president
on Christmas Eve? And they'd be like, what about your stocking?
Maybe go check your stocking? Well that and sure enough
I checked my stocking. Guess what was in there? An
orange and some playing cards. Give me a fucking break Okay, geez, anyway,
(30:33):
I digress. So, being a Christmas expert, you choose to
open them on Christmas Day. Yeah, that's that was a
typical of our family. Would and what would you do
after that? Well, you know, I mean when we were young,
we would play with the toys for a while and
then there would you know, maybe be like some breakfast
(30:55):
or something that we would eat and and but you know,
you prepare for later, maybe a meal or something in
family gets together and maybe you have a relatives there
or something to eat. And would you would you leave
would you leave a treat for Santa the night before? Maybe?
Oh yeah, yeah, when you when you're young, you you know,
you leave cookies and milk and a little note for
(31:15):
for Santa and hopes that he gets it. And you know,
of course, I mean I'm a father now and oh
so you have children, I do, so we celebrate that
Christmas basically the same way that I celebrated it. We
would leave Santa a chuck roast interesting, yeah, with potatoes
(31:35):
and all the trimmings. And whether they're in the morning,
they would always he would always take a you know,
I think he's got he's got so much ground, he's
got a cover. He doesn't want to get way down. Um,
so he would just take a delicate little bite and
so we eat the rest of that chuck roast for
that week, and we make it last until All Queens Day,
(31:59):
which I believe this January. M Yeah, we'll have to
look into that. You just did cookies and milk. What's
you're feeling on holiday fruitcakes? Um? They weren't big in
our household, but we would have their little dents. Don't
you think it's a heavier kids, Yes, yeah, a heavier cake. Yeah.
(32:22):
Do you do you watch die Hard on Christmas? Die
Hard is not really a Christmas movie? Well? Yeah, I
was discussed sort of. That's more of an action thriller.
You can watch anything. I think it takes place on Christmas,
And I right you. You know what, the more I
talked to you just sound like an ordinary guy who
(32:42):
celebrates Christmas and you're not a Christmas at all. I
think that's what I told you. Your friend here, Carolina,
is that what he told you? He was just asked
why did you bring him in then? Because you just
asked me to kid someone to celebrate Christmas? So I
had like thirty minutes before the podcast, plenty of time,
and I got someone who celebrated Christmas. But I thought
(33:04):
that he would know more, you'd have more insight. It's
like a regular guy. I don't even know. This guy's
a dud. I can hear that. Andrew. It is a
pleasure to have you here in the studio. UM. A
lot of people do interesting things. I've noticed. For instance,
some families it's a tradition to go see a movie
(33:25):
on Christmas, right, Or some people are especially here in
the California area, are really into fitness. And do you
go to the gym on Christmas Day? Because I think
about it, it's one of the few places that still
open on Christmas, the gym. Probably for a good reason.
(33:48):
Uh No, I I think that would be weird. Because
we used to We used to hit the heavy bag
after we'd open our presence. We go down to the basement,
hit the heavy bag, and I'd get on one of
those nineteen fifties jiggle machine, you know the belt that
goes around your waist and goest go got go, got
got got got got got gog, or you could set
it to a higher speed. One time, one time I
(34:13):
fainted and I had it at the high speed and
gerger and then it got around my neck and almost
afisiated me. Those machines aren't very effective, if I understand correctly,
in helping you the nineteen fifties jiggle machine. Uh, Carolina,
why don't you ask the US Olympic Committee if they
are effective? Because they are currently in use as part
(34:36):
of their training for the track and field team. So
tell that to USA Olympics. Andrew one another question. Do
do you like egg nog or do you find it
too thick? I like, yeah, I do too. I think
it's Yeah, it's very delicious. I don't wish they would
(34:56):
fill at the other times of the year. I've always
said that. I've always said, anyone who starts selling eggnog
year round, that's a million dollar business. Ron actually usually
asks for eggnog, and someone says, can I get you coffee?
I'll take an eggnog. I would love an eggnog. Hot
(35:17):
summer day. Big picture of eggnog. I mean it's a
little fattening. Yeah, I mean it's a treat. HM put
a little something extra in it, Do you know what
I mean? I mean, I don't That's not how I like,
but I get it a little more bourbon. Hold the eggnog, right,
not not for me, but some people, but for some people.
(35:37):
And not for me either, but for some people. In
quotes air quotes, Well, huh, this is I'm just gonna
say this is probably more me than you. But this
has been a terrible interview. Okay, do you mind if
we send you home? We're not sending you home, We're
just gonna let you go out. We're just gonna do
(36:00):
we still have to pay you. Who do I talk
to about seventy five? I didn't know what to say.
He wouldn't go for twenty Carolina. We can get it
from the talent booker. We can also get it from
your pocketbook, okay, because I don't. I don't want to
go to the talent booker again and ask for more money.
(36:20):
I already she already gave me five for the for
the weekend. I need some walking around cash. That's not okay.
We are on a tight budget. I know where it will,
trust me. These podcasts are supposed to get me through
the end of the year, and I haven't seen a
check yet. Okay, I just I wish you wouldn't put
(36:41):
her in that position, Andrew were happy to pay you.
Carolina will pay you out of her her own money. Well,
thank you. Can you take do you need all seventy
five dollars up front? Yeah? I mean that's what you're promised.
That's it, you know what, It's the least we can do. Um,
(37:02):
thank you so much. Andrew supposed expert on Christmas, turns
out he was just a guy who celebrates Christmas. Um.
Big let down for the podcast audience and for myself. Um.
But you know what, Ultimately, as I've said from the beginning,
we're going to make mistakes. It falls on me. I
can take it. We'll learn from this and we'll improve
(37:23):
upon it. Thank you and you for your time. Thank
you for coming in. Thank you. We'll be right back
with some of my final thoughts. Oh okay, yes we're back, Carolina.
(37:44):
Let's do our fact checks. Tell me how we did. Oh,
we did pretty good. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
It's not in that genre. Um, well, it's classified as
an action thriller. Debatable. Okay, I can take a hit
on that one. Fine, Okay. Uh. January is not Queen's Day,
(38:04):
all Queen's Day. Sorry, January is not all Queen's Day now, Okay,
so what did I miss it by one? Um? This
is a longer conversation about the holiday. Um, Jimmy Stewart, Yes,
the actor, Jimmy Stewart. It's Jimmy. Um, it's not sc h,
(38:25):
it's s T S T. So no, sure, Yeah, it's
just gonna take a second because I've got Jimmy Stewart
locked in. Yeah, so it's just Jimmy Stewart. Yeah. Maybe
say it to yourself three times a day. Um, and
then let me write that down. Say Jimmy Stewart three
(38:45):
times a day. Say Jimmy Stewart three times a day. Okay, Um.
And then the submarine story. So we're talking about my
favorite memories. I'm gonna say the mid nineties, seventies, in
early sixties. Um, so in that submarine was seventy years old.
(39:07):
It's just a numbers thing, you know what. The numbers
aren't adding up, are you? Are you claiming that I've
made up the story? You know what? No, we want it.
Everyone in this community wants that story to be true.
And so it's just a numbers problem. We've just got
to sit and crunch because I'm trying at a few
different angles. Crunch all you want, and you'll find a
(39:27):
hundred times that story is true. Okay, you can crunch
till the numbers are so crunched up their dust. But
that story. I stand by that story. Okay, it's just
it's a a factual thing. Thank you, Carolina. Once again,
I think it, whether I like it or not, I
think it's important to fact check the show. Yeah. No,
(39:50):
it's like illegal thing at this point. Here's my final thoughts.
I think what we learned today is that Christmas doesn't
just take place on December. As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is every day of the year. Let's make a
commitment as the human race to treat each other with
(40:13):
kindness and dignity befitting of the holiday season. Let the
Christmas spirit start at the bottom of your feet, reach
the top of your head, but land in your fart.
I mean, heart, God, I did it again. Why do
I always do that when I'm trying to sound meaningful? Ah,
(40:36):
you get the gist. This is Ron Burgundy. See you
next Thursday on the Ron Burgundy Podcast. The Ron Burgundy
Podcast is a production of I Heart Radio podcast Network
and Funnier Die I'm Ron Burgundy. I'm the host, writer
and executive producer. Carolina Barlow is my co host, writer
(40:58):
and producer. The show was also produced by Whitney Hodeck,
Jack O'Brien, Miles Gray, and Nick Stump. Our executive producer
is Mike farre Our consulting producer is Andrew Steel. Our
associate producer is Anna Hosnier. Our writer is Jake Vogeless.
Our production supervisor is Colin McDougall. This episode was engineered, mixed,
(41:19):
and edited by Nick Stump. Until next time, this was
Ron Burgundy.
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