April 21, 2024 • 31 mins
Ben and Ashley take on some tough issues this week when they answer YOUR emails. If you’re struggling with something personal in your family life or in your faith, we hope this podcast will help.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hey everyone, welcome to the almost in his podcast. Today
we're doing an episode of almost Good Advice. Now let
me tell you. I read our three questions and I
cannot give advice on these. Okay, people, I'm letting mister Higgins,
who just I know that I say it every week
that like, you're an expert this, you could do a sermon,
(00:27):
you could be a minister.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
You do give the.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Best advice ever. But these three questions, I think there's
two of the three questions that I feel truly uncomfortable
giving my opinion on. I will touch on it, but like,
this is stuff that needs to be dealt with with
like family therapists. Okay, this is this is not Ashley
(00:50):
Ike and Eddie from The Bachelor. I have no appropriateness
in giving you guys advice on this topic. Plus, like, yeah,
I just I just feel like I am not qualified. Okay,
I'm just gonna put that out there. Ben just put
his glasses on their blue like blocking glasses are in They.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
These are my almost good advice glasses. They make me
feel smarter, they make me feel wiser. I mean, I
think with what you're saying too. I haven't read these
questions yet.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, he hasn't read them, which is why I'm going
to lead the conversation, but because I have to do
something here.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
One of the notes here that I think it's important
to say is good advice sometimes is hey, I don't
have an answer. You need to talk to somebody professionally.
Like that's good advice in light.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
That's what I thought. So that's what I thought while
reading this. I was like, I have no advice for you,
and therefore I that is the best I can help you. Now,
if you were my best friend or just like or
a good friend, and I knew a lot of aspects
about your life, I knew more about your personality, I
could help you a little bit better. But based on this,
like two paragraphs that I got from you can't do it.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Ben.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Are you ready to be challenged?
Speaker 3 (01:56):
I am. I feel like you had seven cups of
coffee this morning.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I haven't had any. But no, I think I'm over
compensating because you can feel that my energy was low
when we were just chatting off and I was like, okay,
I gotta hype myself up.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
We're on Okay, good. Well, let's kick it off. How
about you? If you've already read these and you don't
feel like you have anything to say, then how about
you read these questions Ashley, and I'll do the best
I can to respond in how I would you know
in any given circumstances.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Okay, I will save the one that I think is like, oh,
I can answer that or last. Okay, because it's kind
of fun and funny. It's a little bit, it's way lighter. Okay,
this is some anonymous My parents want to send me
to conversion therapy. What can I do? I'm a fifteen
year old male living in Oklahoma. Yesterday, my mom took
(02:48):
me to the eye doctor and while I was in
the chair, my phone, which was on the doctor's desk,
started buzzing. My mom picked it up to see what
it was, and she ended up snooping around finding a
photo album on my phone named Ah. This album was
filled with pictures of men. She immediately understood what it meant.
My parents are very homophobic and religious, and they believe
(03:11):
being gay is a sim as I feared, they didn't
accept me at all. My dad beat me with a belt,
and although my mom tried to stop him. She was
also screaming at me. Today, they told me that they
will look into conversion therapy for me. I have no
say in this, and I'm not allowed to play the
piano anymore. I've been taking piano lessons for nearly two
(03:34):
years and I absolutely love everything about it. It's very
important to my mental health. And I'm also really afraid
of conversion therapy. The stories that I've heard about it
really scares me. It's a legal practice here in Oklahoma,
which leaves me feeling trapped and scared, and I don't
want to undergo something so fundamentally against who I am.
Is there anything I can do at all? And if
(03:56):
I end up having to go to conversion, should I
just pretend to be straight? Any advice on how to
navigate this would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Okay, Ashley, do you want to say an.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I just want to say that I feel really really
bad for what you're going through and that I am
really upset with you the way your parents handled it.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
So the advice here is is there anything I can
do or you can do? Anonymous writer? Well, yeah, I'm
with Ashley. I'm sorry this is where you're at a
couple like keynotes here that I would say is, I've
never known anybody now the beating is really awful to hear. Now. Also,
(04:39):
I've never known anybody to that's beat the gay away, right,
And I've never you know, I know that's saying. I
know it's something attempted, but it's not. It doesn't work right.
And I've never really known anybody to change who they
are as a person based on this type of punishment
(04:59):
or brute I've never known anybody to like switch their
mindset or switch how they feel. Because what I believe
as a human and as somebody who deeply believes in Jesus,
there is uh, there's so much more to who we
are as a person than what's on the outside and
(05:20):
what's expressed on the outside or so. So my point
is that you're never going to convert somebody without it
being something deeply inside of him that calls to be converted.
I believe that there is a holy Spirit. I'm saying
all this because his family is religious, and so I'm
(05:41):
speaking to you to try to relate with these things.
I believe there's a holy Spirit that has incredible power
and wonder in this world, and as Christians, or as
anybody from a faith tradition that believes in the spiritual
realm at all, then I've always given a lot of
respect and power to that spirit realm and to say,
(06:03):
if Jesus is who he said he was, and if
God loves most importantly, then Jesus is going to work
in and through you, and how Jesus desires to work
in and through you, and that that power is available.
And so I'm maybe having a conversation with your parents
just saying, hey, I don't know what your belief system is.
(06:26):
If you agree with kind of their belief system or not.
I'm assuming that you're either very tainted by it or
you feel like faith is a list of rules and
things that you should and should not do. And you
probably know the church and people are from the church
more for what they're against than what they're for. And
that saddens me, because what the church should be for
(06:48):
is bringing people together. It should be it should be
I believe that oasis in the desert of life, so
that when you're around your church community, when you're practicing
your faith tradition, when you're praying to your God above,
when you're taking actions for the outsider in this world,
that you're actually getting a taste of heaven, You're getting
(07:11):
a taste of God, and so that your faith is
actually the oasis in the world that's going to tell
you you're not enough, then you're not doing the right things,
or who or who you are as a person doesn't
fit into this world. So I'm hoping your faith you
can find a faith community that wraps their arms around
you and says you are enough, and you are incredible,
(07:33):
and you are everything that God's ever desired you to be.
When it comes to the issue of your sexuality, I
can't speak to that because I don't have an expertise
in that really, but I do know many churches out
there that have fully accepted it and are affirming of
(07:53):
people who are attracted to the same sex. I do
believe there are people out there deeply have a true
faith in Jesus. I'm guessing that's what your religious tradition is,
your family's religious tradition, because you're in Oklahoma and they're
trying to convert you. So I'm assuming you know it's
probably some fundamental or conservative Christianity. But there are many
(08:16):
churches out there who have not only had people stand
up as teachers of scripture, teachers of God who also
are homosexual. So there are those people, and and I
encourage you to try to reach out to some of
those and to read some of those. I personally am
(08:38):
not a parent, but I can never imagine in this
situation asking one of the humans in my life that
a parent probably loves most, which is their child, that
they're just not good enough for their family dynamics no
matter what, Like I just can't and then that's not okay.
(09:02):
So back to the question of what can you do.
I think your options are honestly, sadly, very limited. I
think there's like a couple pass here, you're fifteen years old,
you can't leave home, and if you do, it's it's
not going to be good good for you. It's probably
not the best option here. If it is a very
unhealthy environment and you feel like you are, you know,
(09:24):
getting beaten to a point where you know you can
start to maybe categorize it in other ways, then I
would recommend maybe reaching out to some professional support to
see if there's options to either get out of there
or to separate for a period of time to get
some space. And if there's an environment that you could
go to for a while to get some protection and
(09:48):
to let everybody kind of breathe and maybe let this
well things sink in a bit. It's probably pretty shocking
for everybody, yourself included. I also would say that, you know,
I don't know what convert therapy it exactly is, or
what exactly does. It doesn't sound healthy. It feels very barbaric.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Seen documentary is on it before it can get really gruesome.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Yeah, it feels very barbara.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
But I will say that, like I'm very stuck on
the fact that he was beat Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I just don't know the we don't know the extent, right,
I mean obviously like my grandpa spanked me with a belt,
like that's kind of you know, like I don't, I
don't know, And it like wasn't like he beat me
to you know, where I was bleeding a bruised, but
it was I guess it. I don't know. I'm going
to assume because he didn't say, hey, I felt like
it was abuse, that it was probably like a spanking.
(10:44):
And if that's the case, then like I still think
spanking's weird. But like I know some people today that
still believe that it's a proper punishment. I mean, it
wasn't that long ago the elementary school of public elementary
schools in Indiana still had the principles, still have the
ability to spank the kids.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
That is wacky.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
So I don't know, Like I can't, I don't want to.
That's why I said, I don't want to categorize it
in a way that's unfair or not giving it like
the proper justice, or maybe giving it too much sentiment.
So I don't know. Conversion therapy it seems barbaric, it
doesn't seem healthy. It's not going to change who you are.
I mean, that's that's the truth of the whole thing.
(11:25):
There's only one thing in this world that changes who
we are, and that's a deep love for that I
believe comes from God like and that usually changes for
the better. And so I'm not saying that you need
to be changed. I'm saying, like, conversion therapy isn't going
to change you as a human. There's only one thing
that changes you as a human. And usually, at least
(11:45):
in my experience in life, God has only changed me
to be a better person to others and to myself
and to the people around me, And so I don't
think conversion therapy is going to do anything for you.
You find like it's going to be a very unhealthy practice.
So again going back to options, you need to talk
to them. You need to tell them who you believe
(12:08):
you are as a human. You need to tell maybe
tell them your kind of your stance on your fear.
I think parents, good parents, when a child expresses their
fear towards something, will respond in a loving way. And
I'm hoping that once they hear, hey, i'm really scared
of this, I'm really nervous about this, and here are
(12:30):
the reasons why. I'm hoping they respond in a loving
way and says okay, let's chat. I also think there,
you know, again, there is that possibility of taking a
leave of absence, hopefully away from them. I don't know
if you have family that maybe you can go to,
if you can ask them, if you can maybe visit
some family for a few weeks and let this like
(12:51):
sink into them a little bit, breathe a bit, get
some you know, so you can all kind of regather
your thoughts. So I think those two are really good
opt I think the third option here would one hundred
percent for me, and I'm encouraging you to do this
is to go to I mean, this is my advice
(13:12):
and what I would say, and so it's not everybody's.
I would go to your local church that you believe
will at least want to listen to you. I'm not
going to say they're going to agree with you on
where you're at in life, but at least they'll come
and listen to you. You need to go there and
kind of tell them your situation. And then finally you
have a psychiatrist or a therapist a family a family
(13:33):
therapist that can maybe sit and moderate and mediate for
your family here and kind of be maybe a voice
of reason in the midst of this really chaotic time
for your parents and for yourself obviously. I mean, I'm
not thinking that you want to come out to them
in this way with pictures on your phone. But all
of this to be said, and again this comes from anonymous.
(13:56):
I want your parents to love you well, and I
know that deeply when they had you as a child,
their desire was to love you well. And so at
fifteen years old, you are going to have to deal
with and figure out some complex issues that it's unfair
(14:20):
to you at fifteen years old. But my desire for
you is to figure out how your family can get
back to a loving place again. I'm sure this is
not how you want to come out to them. I'm
sure this is not how they would ever dreamed of
you coming out to them, if that was ever a possibility.
But it happened, and so now there is that kind
(14:41):
of really unfair thing to you that you're going to
have to talk through and deal with some complex feelings
and emotions and issues with parents who right now feel
like they're going to try to push you aside. And
I've never known a good parent that wants to push
their kids away no matter what.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Well, I hope that they're I don't know that they're
good parents, but we'll see.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
We'll see, we'll see how they respond. Now I know
personally that probably the god of your parents and the
god that your parents believe in been over backwards for
the outsider, for the person that was pushed aside in
this world, and so I hope they do the same thing.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
All right, Let's get to our next question, also from anonymous.
I'm pregnant and emotionally ready, but I can't afford it.
What should I do? I'm thirty and my partner is
thirty one. We've accidentally gotten pregnant. We're in a secure,
healthy relationship for the past three years, and I have
a well paid job, but he recently switched careers and
has a year left on a low paying traineeship. We
(15:59):
both want this so badly, but we're considering not going
through with the pregnancy, which breaks my heart in a
way I can't even describe. For a few reasons, we
don't have much in terms of savings. Our combined income
isn't very high. We're currently living in a house boat,
not great for a pregnant woman or a baby. We're
flipping it to sell it for profits and put a
(16:19):
down payment on a house eventually. We don't live in
the same country as any family. I want this so badly.
My partner and I are emotionally ready, but I don't
want my child to grow up any family struggling to
make ends meet. What should I do? Okay, I'll put
my two cents in here. I think you should have
the baby because you really want the baby, You're at
(16:42):
a good age for it. You sound like you're obviously
not in the greatest of financial situations. But can you
feed this baby? Can you keep the you know, can
you keep it clothed and healthy and bathe and have
a roof under the head over the head? I think
you can. And I just feel like it will be
(17:08):
a huge regret of yours if you were to end
this pregnancy. Of course, we're not best friends. I may
not be the best you know. I'm just going off
of what you're saying. I don't want your trial to
grow up in a struggling family either, but not everybody
is in the financial place that they want to be
(17:30):
when they end up having a baby. As long as
you can take care of this baby, I think you
you know, give it its fundamental needs and love being
one of you know, love and affection and guidance and
all that being so high I'm that list. So that's
my quick two cents, Ben, I feel like you are
(17:52):
going to say something similar.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Well, I mean, I make mind, just would There's the
only advice here for me would be give you encouragement.
Like people all over the world are having children and
they're doing it fantastically. They're great parents, they love well,
they're caring for their child well, and in fact, in
my life, I've never met somebody who's had a baby
(18:18):
who hasn't said it's one of the greatest gifts, if
not the greatest gift, that they've ever been given. And
so you know what right now, like I've told been
very open about, you know, my outlook on being a parent,
something I desire, something I want. But I'm thirty five
years old and I've gone thirty five years of my
life without it. So I don't know if I'm ready.
(18:39):
I don't know if it's like going to make my
life better. I believe it will, because I believe it's
one of the greatest gifts that we are given and
one of the biggest blessings that we can have. So
my point is, if millions upon millions of people every
year can have babies and do it, you can't too.
It sounds like you are actually very well suited to
(19:02):
do this and do it fantastically. And my other point
would be that I don't think you're ever ready, Like
I really believe that I think you think you are,
and I think women especially have like more of a
desire and like a an excitement or maybe that like
(19:22):
feeling of no I cannot wait to have a baby.
But I don't know if anybody is actually ever ready, Like,
I don't think there's ever a time in life where
you wake up and you're like, you know what, I'm
pregnant and I know I'm going to crush this. I
think that would be a terrible mindset. If you're like,
I'm going to bring a human life into this, I'm
going to carry them in my womb, I'm going to
(19:44):
give birth to this child, and I'm going to do
it perfectly because I'm so good at this. I think
that would be a bad mindset. I think the mindset
is like I know I can do it. I know
I can make it happen. Am I ready? I don't
really know because life is old and it takes twists
and turns every day. So my encouragement to you is
there's so many don't take this wrong. If Ashley can
(20:06):
do it, you can do it too. If if my
mom can do it, you can do it too. Like
you can do this.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Yeah, I'm really not concerned for you.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
No, I'm not like that.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I know it's just a few paragraphs were going.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Off of, but this is a very like I'm reading this,
I'm like, of course it's overwhelming. Of Course you're questioning
where you live. Of course, you're questioning you and your
husband's future. Of course, you're questioning if you're ready financially.
Of course you're questioning if you have the time and
the effort in the space for this. That's like, that's
very human, that's very normal. You're not alone in those questions.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
The baby's not going to know certain things. It's not
going to know if all of it's closed or hand
me downs, if you got all of the car seats
and strollers from the thrift store or they were all donated.
It's fine. You able to feed the baby, get the baby, love,
It's going to be happy. We're gonna be good.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
You're gonna do great. So my encouragement is have the baby.
Let it change you in the way it's gonna change you.
Let it enhance life where it enhances life. And it's
gonna be from not my personal experience, but from so
many around me, it's gonna be one of the coolest
things you ever did. Actually, would you agree it to
(21:23):
one of the coolest things you ever done? Oh?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Yeah, of course. And yeah, just like even in the
morning when they wake up and you're like, oh, you're
waking up. But then like you get to cuddle with
him in bed, and then they go, Mama, Mama, You're
just gonna be like, You're the best thing ever. You're
so cool. Okay. Our last one is the one that
I said was a little bit more lighthearted, good in
(21:48):
the grand scheme of things. Yeah, my boyfriend subscribed to
my best friend's OnlyFans. My boyfriend and I have been
dating for two and a half years. He's twenty six,
I'm twenty five. We live together now, and I thought
we were pretty serious. Long story short, I caught him
subscribing to my best friend's only fans page. She's confirmed
(22:09):
it's true, and so did he. It's been a few
months and we haven't broken up, but I feel extremely
betrayed and disgusted. I can't look at him the same,
let alone bring up her name. I am not mad
at her, of course, but I don't know what to do,
and I don't know if this could be forgiven. His
explanation is that he was curious. I don't know. Okay, Well,
(22:35):
first off, I don't know what your friend's only fans
looks like, because there's like a wide range of what
an OnlyFans can be it can go. Let's assume it's
just like it's porn, Yeah, like full full fledged porn.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, let's assume that, because if not, we can dance
around this forever.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
If it's full fledged porn and he's I mean, it's
effing like we it's weird and I would be grossed
out too. But I also kind of by him saying
that he was curious, Leo Ben's face is like, Ashley,
are you kidding me? Yeah? I I wonder how often
(23:16):
you see this friend? Like, is this a friend that's
in your daily life? Is this a friend that he
hangs out with often? If he hangs out with her
in person, that's really weird. I know it's his best friend,
but like, that's really weird. I guess. I mean, obviously
it's concerning. I would be pissed. I need more from him,
(23:38):
Like what was he thinking? I get being curious, but
like to subscribe? Did he subscribe to it? I don't.
I don't know. I don't know. It's it's all a
bit interesting, Yeah, that's all I don't know. Then obviously
(23:59):
it's a problem. I'm asking for your help here because
why do I not want her to break up with
him over the one thing is that bad.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
No, I would agree with you.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Okay, I just don't know if it's like totally break
upable over m it's just definitely effing a weird.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
I respect, I actually respect his honesty. I think he
was curious. I think he was curious, not only because
he was curious about the page of what was going on.
I think he was also he's kind of probably curious
about your best friend. He's obviously found her to be
at whatever level, something that I'm not going to say
(24:41):
he admires or he desires or that he fantasizes about.
But he's curious enough. And I think he was honest
with you about that. And so if he was honest
with you, I don't know what you're looking for in
a partner. So if you're looking for a partner who
doesn't follow your your friends on only things, then like
maybe he's not your guy. But if you're looking for
(25:02):
a partner to be honest with you, I think there
is a step here who you have to respect his life.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
He then nails it. He nails it. He was able
to put together what I was like kind of like
feeling but couldn't put into words. And I'm gonna be
so honest here. Before Jared and I were together, it's
like probably a year before we got together, he had
(25:28):
seen a girl like two visits. She was not on
OnlyFans at the time, but she gotten only fans and
I was like, her Instagram was a little silicious, okay,
And I was like, who is this? You know, who
is this? And then I'd ask his best friend, who's
(25:48):
a girl? Who is this? And she actually lied to
me until we were together, I think about who she
really was. She claimed it was a friend of hers,
but once we got together, thing was out in the air.
She was like yeah, well, like you know, he was like, yeah,
I saw her a few times and then and she
ended up getting only fans in I think probably when
(26:11):
we got together and I was at dinner with a
couple of girlfriends and we and I was dying of
curiosity to see what her only fans look like. So
my best friend subscribed so that we could watch the
videos at dinner. So like, I understand the burden curiosity
of having somebody in your on the outskirts of your
(26:35):
life and having an only fans just wanting to see
what was on it?
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I mean, am I wrong in saying that only fans
when it's probably nude? Like the design at the basis
of everything is curiosity, Like, it's fantasy and curiosity. You
follow these four fantasy and curiosity. And so I do
believe that as a drawing factor to why people follow
(27:12):
people they follow they see on Instagram, because it is
that that you know, desire that fantasy, the curiosity of
I want to see what else is there? Right? Or
and so I don't think he was lying to you,
and and and so none of this to me is like, Hey,
you're going to break up with him because he is.
(27:32):
He isn't communicating well with you, right, that's different. He's
lying to you, that's different. He's not honest with you,
that's different. He has been honest with you. Again, if
if you're hurt and you're just like I don't want
a partner who follows my best friend or would even
have the potential to follow my best friend on only fans,
(27:53):
then that's a whole separate issue. But if your your
question is here, can you be mad at him based
on his response? No, he was honest. And so now
you guys have to make the decision is this gonna
work or not? Or was this you know, is this
good enough for us or not? I think that's the
big question. It's wild. I find it weird. I don't
(28:15):
know if everybody would find it weird. I'm sure there's
many people who'd be like that makes sense, like yeah, yeah, onnervous,
and I get it. I find it weird. I find
it a little bit of a betrayal, probably of the
intimacy of your relationship and probably your friendship with her.
I don't I personally think it would hurt, It would
(28:37):
be weird, It would bring up a lot of questions,
It would bring up a lot of concerns. But I
think you have from what you wrote here, you have
somebody who at least, even if you have a lot
of questions and concerned, he'll be honest with you about
the questions you ask, if you're willing to hear him.
And then you have to make the decision is this
the right person for me or not? That's up in
(29:00):
the air, Like I can't make that decision for you,
but at least you can start asking the right questions.
You can ask him to be honest with you about
it and you guys can start figuring this out. But yes,
you feel weird about it. I think that's fine. I'm
sure he feels weird about it now too. I'm sure
your best friend probably feels weird about it also. But
it happened, and so now you have to figure out
what's best next.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Good answer, ven good as.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
I also want to go back to our very first question,
the fifteen year old and living in Oklahoma. Closing words
on that are, no matter what, no matter what, you
are a human with great value. You are a human
with breath. You are loved. Keep going, never give up,
(29:49):
because this is either going to become a story that
you tell to help others for years to come, or
this is going to be a story that you and
your parents talk about together. That's my hope that helps
others for years to come. But no matter what, you're
gonna have a story to tell that. So many people
(30:10):
are going to relate with that. So many people feel
pushed aside and alone by You're in it right now.
You're in that story. I mean, you're in this story.
It feels like you're walking through the valley of the
Shadow of Death, and it feels like nothing makes sense,
and it feels chaotic, and it feels complex, and it
makes you feel alone. But I promise you that story
(30:32):
is not over, and that ending to this story will
be one that allows you to have an incredible message
for so many who need people like you to speak
to the So keep going. You're in the story, don't
give up.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Let's sign off right there. I've been Ashley, and I've been.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Then follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
on iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Yeah,
This is the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
with iHeartRadio.
Speaker 2 (00:06):
Hey everyone, welcome to the almost in his podcast. Today
we're doing an episode of almost Good Advice. Now let
me tell you. I read our three questions and I
cannot give advice on these. Okay, people, I'm letting mister Higgins,
who just I know that I say it every week
that like, you're an expert this, you could do a sermon,
(00:27):
you could be a minister.
Speaker 3 (00:28):
You do give the.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Best advice ever. But these three questions, I think there's
two of the three questions that I feel truly uncomfortable
giving my opinion on. I will touch on it, but like,
this is stuff that needs to be dealt with with
like family therapists. Okay, this is this is not Ashley
(00:50):
Ike and Eddie from The Bachelor. I have no appropriateness
in giving you guys advice on this topic. Plus, like, yeah,
I just I just feel like I am not qualified. Okay,
I'm just gonna put that out there. Ben just put
his glasses on their blue like blocking glasses are in They.
Speaker 3 (01:07):
These are my almost good advice glasses. They make me
feel smarter, they make me feel wiser. I mean, I
think with what you're saying too. I haven't read these
questions yet.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, he hasn't read them, which is why I'm going
to lead the conversation, but because I have to do
something here.
Speaker 3 (01:20):
One of the notes here that I think it's important
to say is good advice sometimes is hey, I don't
have an answer. You need to talk to somebody professionally.
Like that's good advice in light.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
That's what I thought. So that's what I thought while
reading this. I was like, I have no advice for you,
and therefore I that is the best I can help you. Now,
if you were my best friend or just like or
a good friend, and I knew a lot of aspects
about your life, I knew more about your personality, I
could help you a little bit better. But based on this,
like two paragraphs that I got from you can't do it.
Speaker 3 (01:54):
Ben.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
Are you ready to be challenged?
Speaker 3 (01:56):
I am. I feel like you had seven cups of
coffee this morning.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I haven't had any. But no, I think I'm over
compensating because you can feel that my energy was low
when we were just chatting off and I was like, okay,
I gotta hype myself up.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
We're on Okay, good. Well, let's kick it off. How
about you? If you've already read these and you don't
feel like you have anything to say, then how about
you read these questions Ashley, and I'll do the best
I can to respond in how I would you know
in any given circumstances.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Okay, I will save the one that I think is like, oh,
I can answer that or last. Okay, because it's kind
of fun and funny. It's a little bit, it's way lighter. Okay,
this is some anonymous My parents want to send me
to conversion therapy. What can I do? I'm a fifteen
year old male living in Oklahoma. Yesterday, my mom took
(02:48):
me to the eye doctor and while I was in
the chair, my phone, which was on the doctor's desk,
started buzzing. My mom picked it up to see what
it was, and she ended up snooping around finding a
photo album on my phone named Ah. This album was
filled with pictures of men. She immediately understood what it meant.
My parents are very homophobic and religious, and they believe
(03:11):
being gay is a sim as I feared, they didn't
accept me at all. My dad beat me with a belt,
and although my mom tried to stop him. She was
also screaming at me. Today, they told me that they
will look into conversion therapy for me. I have no
say in this, and I'm not allowed to play the
piano anymore. I've been taking piano lessons for nearly two
(03:34):
years and I absolutely love everything about it. It's very
important to my mental health. And I'm also really afraid
of conversion therapy. The stories that I've heard about it
really scares me. It's a legal practice here in Oklahoma,
which leaves me feeling trapped and scared, and I don't
want to undergo something so fundamentally against who I am.
Is there anything I can do at all? And if
(03:56):
I end up having to go to conversion, should I
just pretend to be straight? Any advice on how to
navigate this would be greatly appreciated.
Speaker 3 (04:04):
Okay, Ashley, do you want to say an.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
I just want to say that I feel really really
bad for what you're going through and that I am
really upset with you the way your parents handled it.
Speaker 3 (04:16):
So the advice here is is there anything I can
do or you can do? Anonymous writer? Well, yeah, I'm
with Ashley. I'm sorry this is where you're at a
couple like keynotes here that I would say is, I've
never known anybody now the beating is really awful to hear. Now. Also,
(04:39):
I've never known anybody to that's beat the gay away, right,
And I've never you know, I know that's saying. I
know it's something attempted, but it's not. It doesn't work right.
And I've never really known anybody to change who they
are as a person based on this type of punishment
(04:59):
or brute I've never known anybody to like switch their
mindset or switch how they feel. Because what I believe
as a human and as somebody who deeply believes in Jesus,
there is uh, there's so much more to who we
are as a person than what's on the outside and
(05:20):
what's expressed on the outside or so. So my point
is that you're never going to convert somebody without it
being something deeply inside of him that calls to be converted.
I believe that there is a holy Spirit. I'm saying
all this because his family is religious, and so I'm
(05:41):
speaking to you to try to relate with these things.
I believe there's a holy Spirit that has incredible power
and wonder in this world, and as Christians, or as
anybody from a faith tradition that believes in the spiritual
realm at all, then I've always given a lot of
respect and power to that spirit realm and to say,
(06:03):
if Jesus is who he said he was, and if
God loves most importantly, then Jesus is going to work
in and through you, and how Jesus desires to work
in and through you, and that that power is available.
And so I'm maybe having a conversation with your parents
just saying, hey, I don't know what your belief system is.
(06:26):
If you agree with kind of their belief system or not.
I'm assuming that you're either very tainted by it or
you feel like faith is a list of rules and
things that you should and should not do. And you
probably know the church and people are from the church
more for what they're against than what they're for. And
that saddens me, because what the church should be for
(06:48):
is bringing people together. It should be it should be
I believe that oasis in the desert of life, so
that when you're around your church community, when you're practicing
your faith tradition, when you're praying to your God above,
when you're taking actions for the outsider in this world,
that you're actually getting a taste of heaven, You're getting
(07:11):
a taste of God, and so that your faith is
actually the oasis in the world that's going to tell
you you're not enough, then you're not doing the right things,
or who or who you are as a person doesn't
fit into this world. So I'm hoping your faith you
can find a faith community that wraps their arms around
you and says you are enough, and you are incredible,
(07:33):
and you are everything that God's ever desired you to be.
When it comes to the issue of your sexuality, I
can't speak to that because I don't have an expertise
in that really, but I do know many churches out
there that have fully accepted it and are affirming of
(07:53):
people who are attracted to the same sex. I do
believe there are people out there deeply have a true
faith in Jesus. I'm guessing that's what your religious tradition is,
your family's religious tradition, because you're in Oklahoma and they're
trying to convert you. So I'm assuming you know it's
probably some fundamental or conservative Christianity. But there are many
(08:16):
churches out there who have not only had people stand
up as teachers of scripture, teachers of God who also
are homosexual. So there are those people, and and I
encourage you to try to reach out to some of
those and to read some of those. I personally am
(08:38):
not a parent, but I can never imagine in this
situation asking one of the humans in my life that
a parent probably loves most, which is their child, that
they're just not good enough for their family dynamics no
matter what, Like I just can't and then that's not okay.
(09:02):
So back to the question of what can you do.
I think your options are honestly, sadly, very limited. I
think there's like a couple pass here, you're fifteen years old,
you can't leave home, and if you do, it's it's
not going to be good good for you. It's probably
not the best option here. If it is a very
unhealthy environment and you feel like you are, you know,
(09:24):
getting beaten to a point where you know you can
start to maybe categorize it in other ways, then I
would recommend maybe reaching out to some professional support to
see if there's options to either get out of there
or to separate for a period of time to get
some space. And if there's an environment that you could
go to for a while to get some protection and
(09:48):
to let everybody kind of breathe and maybe let this
well things sink in a bit. It's probably pretty shocking
for everybody, yourself included. I also would say that, you know,
I don't know what convert therapy it exactly is, or
what exactly does. It doesn't sound healthy. It feels very barbaric.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
Seen documentary is on it before it can get really gruesome.
Speaker 3 (10:14):
Yeah, it feels very barbara.
Speaker 2 (10:15):
But I will say that, like I'm very stuck on
the fact that he was beat Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:22):
I just don't know the we don't know the extent, right,
I mean obviously like my grandpa spanked me with a belt,
like that's kind of you know, like I don't, I
don't know, And it like wasn't like he beat me
to you know, where I was bleeding a bruised, but
it was I guess it. I don't know. I'm going
to assume because he didn't say, hey, I felt like
it was abuse, that it was probably like a spanking.
(10:44):
And if that's the case, then like I still think
spanking's weird. But like I know some people today that
still believe that it's a proper punishment. I mean, it
wasn't that long ago the elementary school of public elementary
schools in Indiana still had the principles, still have the
ability to spank the kids.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
That is wacky.
Speaker 3 (11:04):
So I don't know, Like I can't, I don't want to.
That's why I said, I don't want to categorize it
in a way that's unfair or not giving it like
the proper justice, or maybe giving it too much sentiment.
So I don't know. Conversion therapy it seems barbaric, it
doesn't seem healthy. It's not going to change who you are.
I mean, that's that's the truth of the whole thing.
(11:25):
There's only one thing in this world that changes who
we are, and that's a deep love for that I
believe comes from God like and that usually changes for
the better. And so I'm not saying that you need
to be changed. I'm saying, like, conversion therapy isn't going
to change you as a human. There's only one thing
that changes you as a human. And usually, at least
(11:45):
in my experience in life, God has only changed me
to be a better person to others and to myself
and to the people around me, And so I don't
think conversion therapy is going to do anything for you.
You find like it's going to be a very unhealthy practice.
So again going back to options, you need to talk
to them. You need to tell them who you believe
(12:08):
you are as a human. You need to tell maybe
tell them your kind of your stance on your fear.
I think parents, good parents, when a child expresses their
fear towards something, will respond in a loving way. And
I'm hoping that once they hear, hey, i'm really scared
of this, I'm really nervous about this, and here are
(12:30):
the reasons why. I'm hoping they respond in a loving
way and says okay, let's chat. I also think there,
you know, again, there is that possibility of taking a
leave of absence, hopefully away from them. I don't know
if you have family that maybe you can go to,
if you can ask them, if you can maybe visit
some family for a few weeks and let this like
(12:51):
sink into them a little bit, breathe a bit, get
some you know, so you can all kind of regather
your thoughts. So I think those two are really good
opt I think the third option here would one hundred
percent for me, and I'm encouraging you to do this
is to go to I mean, this is my advice
(13:12):
and what I would say, and so it's not everybody's.
I would go to your local church that you believe
will at least want to listen to you. I'm not
going to say they're going to agree with you on
where you're at in life, but at least they'll come
and listen to you. You need to go there and
kind of tell them your situation. And then finally you
have a psychiatrist or a therapist a family a family
(13:33):
therapist that can maybe sit and moderate and mediate for
your family here and kind of be maybe a voice
of reason in the midst of this really chaotic time
for your parents and for yourself obviously. I mean, I'm
not thinking that you want to come out to them
in this way with pictures on your phone. But all
of this to be said, and again this comes from anonymous.
(13:56):
I want your parents to love you well, and I
know that deeply when they had you as a child,
their desire was to love you well. And so at
fifteen years old, you are going to have to deal
with and figure out some complex issues that it's unfair
(14:20):
to you at fifteen years old. But my desire for
you is to figure out how your family can get
back to a loving place again. I'm sure this is
not how you want to come out to them. I'm
sure this is not how they would ever dreamed of
you coming out to them, if that was ever a possibility.
But it happened, and so now there is that kind
(14:41):
of really unfair thing to you that you're going to
have to talk through and deal with some complex feelings
and emotions and issues with parents who right now feel
like they're going to try to push you aside. And
I've never known a good parent that wants to push
their kids away no matter what.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Well, I hope that they're I don't know that they're
good parents, but we'll see.
Speaker 3 (15:05):
We'll see, we'll see how they respond. Now I know
personally that probably the god of your parents and the
god that your parents believe in been over backwards for
the outsider, for the person that was pushed aside in
this world, and so I hope they do the same thing.
Speaker 2 (15:35):
All right, Let's get to our next question, also from anonymous.
I'm pregnant and emotionally ready, but I can't afford it.
What should I do? I'm thirty and my partner is
thirty one. We've accidentally gotten pregnant. We're in a secure,
healthy relationship for the past three years, and I have
a well paid job, but he recently switched careers and
has a year left on a low paying traineeship. We
(15:59):
both want this so badly, but we're considering not going
through with the pregnancy, which breaks my heart in a
way I can't even describe. For a few reasons, we
don't have much in terms of savings. Our combined income
isn't very high. We're currently living in a house boat,
not great for a pregnant woman or a baby. We're
flipping it to sell it for profits and put a
(16:19):
down payment on a house eventually. We don't live in
the same country as any family. I want this so badly.
My partner and I are emotionally ready, but I don't
want my child to grow up any family struggling to
make ends meet. What should I do? Okay, I'll put
my two cents in here. I think you should have
the baby because you really want the baby, You're at
(16:42):
a good age for it. You sound like you're obviously
not in the greatest of financial situations. But can you
feed this baby? Can you keep the you know, can
you keep it clothed and healthy and bathe and have
a roof under the head over the head? I think
you can. And I just feel like it will be
(17:08):
a huge regret of yours if you were to end
this pregnancy. Of course, we're not best friends. I may
not be the best you know. I'm just going off
of what you're saying. I don't want your trial to
grow up in a struggling family either, but not everybody
is in the financial place that they want to be
(17:30):
when they end up having a baby. As long as
you can take care of this baby, I think you
you know, give it its fundamental needs and love being
one of you know, love and affection and guidance and
all that being so high I'm that list. So that's
my quick two cents, Ben, I feel like you are
(17:52):
going to say something similar.
Speaker 3 (17:55):
Well, I mean, I make mind, just would There's the
only advice here for me would be give you encouragement.
Like people all over the world are having children and
they're doing it fantastically. They're great parents, they love well,
they're caring for their child well, and in fact, in
my life, I've never met somebody who's had a baby
(18:18):
who hasn't said it's one of the greatest gifts, if
not the greatest gift, that they've ever been given. And
so you know what right now, like I've told been
very open about, you know, my outlook on being a parent,
something I desire, something I want. But I'm thirty five
years old and I've gone thirty five years of my
life without it. So I don't know if I'm ready.
(18:39):
I don't know if it's like going to make my
life better. I believe it will, because I believe it's
one of the greatest gifts that we are given and
one of the biggest blessings that we can have. So
my point is, if millions upon millions of people every
year can have babies and do it, you can't too.
It sounds like you are actually very well suited to
(19:02):
do this and do it fantastically. And my other point
would be that I don't think you're ever ready, Like
I really believe that I think you think you are,
and I think women especially have like more of a
desire and like a an excitement or maybe that like
(19:22):
feeling of no I cannot wait to have a baby.
But I don't know if anybody is actually ever ready, Like,
I don't think there's ever a time in life where
you wake up and you're like, you know what, I'm
pregnant and I know I'm going to crush this. I
think that would be a terrible mindset. If you're like,
I'm going to bring a human life into this, I'm
going to carry them in my womb, I'm going to
(19:44):
give birth to this child, and I'm going to do
it perfectly because I'm so good at this. I think
that would be a bad mindset. I think the mindset
is like I know I can do it. I know
I can make it happen. Am I ready? I don't
really know because life is old and it takes twists
and turns every day. So my encouragement to you is
there's so many don't take this wrong. If Ashley can
(20:06):
do it, you can do it too. If if my
mom can do it, you can do it too. Like
you can do this.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
Yeah, I'm really not concerned for you.
Speaker 3 (20:17):
No, I'm not like that.
Speaker 2 (20:18):
I know it's just a few paragraphs were going.
Speaker 3 (20:21):
Off of, but this is a very like I'm reading this,
I'm like, of course it's overwhelming. Of Course you're questioning
where you live. Of course, you're questioning you and your
husband's future. Of course, you're questioning if you're ready financially.
Of course you're questioning if you have the time and
the effort in the space for this. That's like, that's
very human, that's very normal. You're not alone in those questions.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
The baby's not going to know certain things. It's not
going to know if all of it's closed or hand
me downs, if you got all of the car seats
and strollers from the thrift store or they were all donated.
It's fine. You able to feed the baby, get the baby, love,
It's going to be happy. We're gonna be good.
Speaker 3 (21:01):
You're gonna do great. So my encouragement is have the baby.
Let it change you in the way it's gonna change you.
Let it enhance life where it enhances life. And it's
gonna be from not my personal experience, but from so
many around me, it's gonna be one of the coolest
things you ever did. Actually, would you agree it to
(21:23):
one of the coolest things you ever done? Oh?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
Yeah, of course. And yeah, just like even in the
morning when they wake up and you're like, oh, you're
waking up. But then like you get to cuddle with
him in bed, and then they go, Mama, Mama, You're
just gonna be like, You're the best thing ever. You're
so cool. Okay. Our last one is the one that
I said was a little bit more lighthearted, good in
(21:48):
the grand scheme of things. Yeah, my boyfriend subscribed to
my best friend's OnlyFans. My boyfriend and I have been
dating for two and a half years. He's twenty six,
I'm twenty five. We live together now, and I thought
we were pretty serious. Long story short, I caught him
subscribing to my best friend's only fans page. She's confirmed
(22:09):
it's true, and so did he. It's been a few
months and we haven't broken up, but I feel extremely
betrayed and disgusted. I can't look at him the same,
let alone bring up her name. I am not mad
at her, of course, but I don't know what to do,
and I don't know if this could be forgiven. His
explanation is that he was curious. I don't know. Okay, Well,
(22:35):
first off, I don't know what your friend's only fans
looks like, because there's like a wide range of what
an OnlyFans can be it can go. Let's assume it's
just like it's porn, Yeah, like full full fledged porn.
Speaker 3 (22:48):
Yeah, let's assume that, because if not, we can dance
around this forever.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
If it's full fledged porn and he's I mean, it's
effing like we it's weird and I would be grossed
out too. But I also kind of by him saying
that he was curious, Leo Ben's face is like, Ashley,
are you kidding me? Yeah? I I wonder how often
(23:16):
you see this friend? Like, is this a friend that's
in your daily life? Is this a friend that he
hangs out with often? If he hangs out with her
in person, that's really weird. I know it's his best friend,
but like, that's really weird. I guess. I mean, obviously
it's concerning. I would be pissed. I need more from him,
(23:38):
Like what was he thinking? I get being curious, but
like to subscribe? Did he subscribe to it? I don't.
I don't know. I don't know. It's it's all a
bit interesting, Yeah, that's all I don't know. Then obviously
(23:59):
it's a problem. I'm asking for your help here because
why do I not want her to break up with
him over the one thing is that bad.
Speaker 3 (24:08):
No, I would agree with you.
Speaker 2 (24:09):
Okay, I just don't know if it's like totally break
upable over m it's just definitely effing a weird.
Speaker 3 (24:18):
I respect, I actually respect his honesty. I think he
was curious. I think he was curious, not only because
he was curious about the page of what was going on.
I think he was also he's kind of probably curious
about your best friend. He's obviously found her to be
at whatever level, something that I'm not going to say
(24:41):
he admires or he desires or that he fantasizes about.
But he's curious enough. And I think he was honest
with you about that. And so if he was honest
with you, I don't know what you're looking for in
a partner. So if you're looking for a partner who
doesn't follow your your friends on only things, then like
maybe he's not your guy. But if you're looking for
(25:02):
a partner to be honest with you, I think there
is a step here who you have to respect his life.
Speaker 2 (25:07):
He then nails it. He nails it. He was able
to put together what I was like kind of like
feeling but couldn't put into words. And I'm gonna be
so honest here. Before Jared and I were together, it's
like probably a year before we got together, he had
(25:28):
seen a girl like two visits. She was not on
OnlyFans at the time, but she gotten only fans and
I was like, her Instagram was a little silicious, okay,
And I was like, who is this? You know, who
is this? And then I'd ask his best friend, who's
(25:48):
a girl? Who is this? And she actually lied to
me until we were together, I think about who she
really was. She claimed it was a friend of hers,
but once we got together, thing was out in the air.
She was like yeah, well, like you know, he was like, yeah,
I saw her a few times and then and she
ended up getting only fans in I think probably when
(26:11):
we got together and I was at dinner with a
couple of girlfriends and we and I was dying of
curiosity to see what her only fans look like. So
my best friend subscribed so that we could watch the
videos at dinner. So like, I understand the burden curiosity
of having somebody in your on the outskirts of your
(26:35):
life and having an only fans just wanting to see
what was on it?
Speaker 3 (26:50):
I mean, am I wrong in saying that only fans
when it's probably nude? Like the design at the basis
of everything is curiosity, Like, it's fantasy and curiosity. You
follow these four fantasy and curiosity. And so I do
believe that as a drawing factor to why people follow
(27:12):
people they follow they see on Instagram, because it is
that that you know, desire that fantasy, the curiosity of
I want to see what else is there? Right? Or
and so I don't think he was lying to you,
and and and so none of this to me is like, Hey,
you're going to break up with him because he is.
(27:32):
He isn't communicating well with you, right, that's different. He's
lying to you, that's different. He's not honest with you,
that's different. He has been honest with you. Again, if
if you're hurt and you're just like I don't want
a partner who follows my best friend or would even
have the potential to follow my best friend on only fans,
(27:53):
then that's a whole separate issue. But if your your
question is here, can you be mad at him based
on his response? No, he was honest. And so now
you guys have to make the decision is this gonna
work or not? Or was this you know, is this
good enough for us or not? I think that's the
big question. It's wild. I find it weird. I don't
(28:15):
know if everybody would find it weird. I'm sure there's
many people who'd be like that makes sense, like yeah, yeah, onnervous,
and I get it. I find it weird. I find
it a little bit of a betrayal, probably of the
intimacy of your relationship and probably your friendship with her.
I don't I personally think it would hurt, It would
(28:37):
be weird, It would bring up a lot of questions,
It would bring up a lot of concerns. But I
think you have from what you wrote here, you have
somebody who at least, even if you have a lot
of questions and concerned, he'll be honest with you about
the questions you ask, if you're willing to hear him.
And then you have to make the decision is this
the right person for me or not? That's up in
(29:00):
the air, Like I can't make that decision for you,
but at least you can start asking the right questions.
You can ask him to be honest with you about
it and you guys can start figuring this out. But yes,
you feel weird about it. I think that's fine. I'm
sure he feels weird about it now too. I'm sure
your best friend probably feels weird about it also. But
it happened, and so now you have to figure out
what's best next.
Speaker 2 (29:21):
Good answer, ven good as.
Speaker 3 (29:24):
I also want to go back to our very first question,
the fifteen year old and living in Oklahoma. Closing words
on that are, no matter what, no matter what, you
are a human with great value. You are a human
with breath. You are loved. Keep going, never give up,
(29:49):
because this is either going to become a story that
you tell to help others for years to come, or
this is going to be a story that you and
your parents talk about together. That's my hope that helps
others for years to come. But no matter what, you're
gonna have a story to tell that. So many people
(30:10):
are going to relate with that. So many people feel
pushed aside and alone by You're in it right now.
You're in that story. I mean, you're in this story.
It feels like you're walking through the valley of the
Shadow of Death, and it feels like nothing makes sense,
and it feels chaotic, and it feels complex, and it
makes you feel alone. But I promise you that story
(30:32):
is not over, and that ending to this story will
be one that allows you to have an incredible message
for so many who need people like you to speak
to the So keep going. You're in the story, don't
give up.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Let's sign off right there. I've been Ashley, and I've been.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Then follow the Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous podcast
on iHeartRadio or subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts.
Speaker 3 (31:00):
Yeah,
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