The 20 Worst Halloween Candies
By Dave Basner
October 14, 2020
Halloween is right around the corner and if you haven’t yet picked out the candy you plan to give out, be sure to read this. There are some "treats" out there that, if you hand them out, you are sure to get your place covered in toilet paper.
Here are 20 terrible candies to avoid giving out on October 31st:
20. Milk Duds – By definition, a dud is a bad thing, so you should heed the warning in the name of this candy. It wouldn’t shock anyone if the American Dental Association funded Milk Duds because the candy is stickier than Super Glue and is sure to both pull out any dental work in your mouth and cause you to get more dental work, since the candy finds it’s way into all the crevices in your molars and sits as your teeth rot away beneath it. Also, it looks like rabbit poop.
19. Circus Peanuts – Even though marshmallows are great and peanuts are tasty, somehow when these peanut-shaped marshmallows were made, the result was a disaster. You’re better off eating packing peanuts than Circus Peanuts.
18. Dum Dums – Dum Dums don’t taste too bad, but even a sweet sucker isn’t enough to overcome the disappointment you feel when someone has given you essentially a flavored bead on a stick for Halloween. If you’re going to hand out lollipops for the holiday, at least do something big and worthy like a Blow Pop.
17. Mounds – Even without knowing what’s in them, the name Mounds is pretty unattractive. Then you learn it is just a chunk of coconut dipped in chocolate and you realize how fitting such a bad name is for the candy.
16. Almond Joy – Adding nuts to Mounds does not make it better. It makes it worse.
15. Candy Corn – Based on how they taste, many people think the ingredients in Candy Corn are sugar and wax. If that weren't bad enough, if you don’t eat Candy Corn after a day, it hardens and somehow is able to become even less appealing than it already is.
14. Mellowcreme Pumpkin – It’s like Candy Corn’s manufacturer realized people weren’t into their product so they made one that tastes exactly the same but in the shape of a pumpkin. Just, no.
13. Banana Laffy Taffy – Laffy Taffy actually isn’t terrible, but you know what is? Any banana candy. Whoever thought it’d be a good idea to make Laffy Taffy in banana flavor should be fired.
12. Candy Necklace – Candy necklaces are impressive because they have the distinct ability to twice disappoint on Halloween. It not only tastes nasty but also makes for a very unfashionable accessory.
11. Butterscotch Candy – Do elderly people not know how to buy candy? Too often, butterscotches are discovered in candy bags at the end of trick or treating and they are always from some grandma who grabbed a handful from a dish on her coffee table that she filled in 1977.
10. Bit-O-Honey – Honey is good! Honey is sweet! You’d think a bit o’ it would make for a tasty treat, but you would be dead wrong. If your jaw had nightmares, they’d be about Bit-O-Honey. People chew on gum for less time than they spend chomping on Bit-O-Honey.
9. Candy Buttons – Candy Buttons are the best candy ever for people who love eating paper. Though even if you can peel the candy off it's backing without taking a wad of paper with it, it’s still pointless - you don’t get any satisfaction from eating a bland pea-sized pile of sugar.
8. Mary Jane – Along with peanut butter, the main ingredient in Mary Jane is molasses, which is appropriate because the only time people under the age of 70 use the word molasses is to describe something very slow, like how long it takes to eat one of these. Mary Jane is not candy, it is disappointment in a yellow and red wrapper.
7. Necco Wafers – Necco Wafers are one of the oldest candies in America and from the taste of them, it seems like they are still selling the ones made in their first batch. Worse yet, even though Necco Wafers come in different colors and taste like chalk, they don't write on blackboards.
6. Runts – Runts must have been created by the produce industry since most kids would rather eat the actual fruit the candy resembles than the candy itself because it is so gross.
5. Dubble Bubble – Dubble Bubble is like someone tried making gum and screwed everything up, including the spelling of double, but decided to sell it anyways. First off, it is hard as a rock when you put it in your mouth. By the time you’ve softened it enough to chew it, your jaw is too sore to move. At about at that point the gum loses flavor, yet somehow, it manages to leave a chalky aftertaste in your mouth for the rest of the day.
4. Smarties – Overseas, Smarties are a candy like M&M’s, but here in the States, Smarties are the things that go right into the giveaway/trash pile after you empty your bag of treats on Halloween. You’d think a candy that comes in a roll of 15 pieces would be more exciting, but instead, it is a tasteless tablet. The makers of Smarties are pretty pleased it is fat free, but kids really aren’t watching their figures on Halloween and prefer something with a little more excitement and a little more taste.
3. Tootsie Rolls – Tootsie Rolls take the worst things about chocolate and caramel and put it into one awful candy. They manage to make chocolate taste gross and at the same time, keep you chewing on it for hours. Most trick or treaters are still removing last year’s Tootsie Rolls from their molars by Halloween.
2. Dots – In a world of actually delicious candy, why would anyone want to put Dots anywhere near their mouth. They claim to be "assorted fruit-flavored gumdrops" but that is a stretch because they don’t taste like fruit and they don’t feel like a gumdrop. Instead they are hard and taste worse than most medicines.
1. Good & Plenty – They got the "plenty" part right but "good," not so much. As exciting as it is to pop pill-shaped candy in your mouth, once you realize the pink and white pieces aren’t cherry and vanilla but instead are black licorice, it is too late – the taste will stay with you until Thanksgiving.
What psycho decided BLACK LICORICE is #candy ? I’m quite sure it is just a jerky made from chewing tobacco. Do people purposely buy #Good&Plenty candy to eat or just give them to the trick or treaters that annoy them? So many questions.. pic.twitter.com/4ogw9jZjZu— daniel cohen (@danBLOODcohen) August 14, 2019
You might disagree with this list but if you want to avoid disappointing children this Halloween, you should definitely not hand out any candy mentioned above.
Photo: Getty Images