Ron Burgundy’s New Church Might Be A Problem

On this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast, Ron Burgundy assures his co-host, Carolina Barlow, that he has been observing the quarantine measures put in place due to the “Colonial-19” virus – named, of course, for “the original 19 colonies on the Eastern seaboard.” He “just finished up a little spring break with Governor Ron DeSantis,” where they called themselves “the Two Rons” and wore matching sunglasses, popped a bunch of diet pills, and went out on the town. But now he’s been inside for two whole days. “You know they say one of the symptoms of Colonial-19 is, you lose taste," Ron informs us. "Carolina, I think you have it! You’ve been shopping at TJ Maxx for a long time!” Then he asks if she watched any of the “tiger man show” and says he hadn’t realized big cats were such a “wonderful investment opportunity,” before diving into the topic at hand: Spirituality. “I’m not the Dalai Lama,” Ron says, “but I think a lot of people would agree we have a similar vibe.”

He asks Carolina what she thinks spirituality is; she believes it can be found anywhere, either inside yourself, or from a religious community, or even in the simplest things: “You might find your spirituality in a church or find it in a flower,” she says. Ron says she’s wrong; the true path to enlightenment comes from a “cool book with a volcano on the cover” that a long-haul trucker named Robbie B. gave him at an all-night diner recently. At first Ron thought he was a vagrant who wanted to steal his wallet, but “he was just a really big fan of mine.” The book is called Dianetics, and it led him to a new church where he’s been “taking some very interesting courses, and they’re worth every penny. I’ll tell you, some of them are not cheap. But I’m getting a lot out of it!” 

Carolina nervously tells Ron he may want to do a little more research on the Internet about his new religion, but Ron doesn’t go for it: “They told me specifically to not do that” because there’s a lot of fake information out there, “someone tries to sell you something, they say a lot of mumbo-jumbo, and the next thing you know, you’re in a cult.” Can Carolina help Ron see the light, or will he convince her to sign “a billion-year contract”? Why does Ron wear a three-piece suit to eat a reuben? Can essential oils be trusted? Find out all this and more on this episode of The Ron Burgundy Podcast.

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